Disclaimer: Hawaii Five-0 and its characters do not belong to me.
…
Danny pushed himself up, bracing his arms against the couch. He paused, allowing the dizzying rush of blood to his head to settle. He reached for his phone that had been buzzing relentlessly on the coffee table.
Steve: Hey, Danny. How's Charlie?
Steve: Is he still running a temp?
Steve: Tell him I miss him. Can't wait to see him when he's better.
Steve: And you too…
Steve: I miss you.
Danny switched off his screen, swallowing the ache in his chest.
He was a coward.
He had lied. He had used his son as a pathetic excuse. Charlie had indeed caught a bug at school but he had lied that Rachel was out of town. He had lied that he couldn't get away from watching his son. He had lied to his best friend. The best friend who was still in the hospital because of him. His best friend who had risked his life for him. The man he loved. The man whose heart he was inevitably going to break.
Danny Williams was a coward. And no one could tell him any different.
Three days. He had not seen Steve in three days. Three days may have seemed like a ridiculously short amount of time. But after everything that had happened, it was too long. Every minute apart seemed like a never-ending exile. If it were up to him, he would want to be with Steve every second of every day.
But he didn't deserve that.
He couldn't have that.
So even if every cell in his body screamed at him to be with Steve, he couldn't. He didn't know how to face his friend. Which was why he had chosen to stay away from Steve.
But he didn't have much time left either. He couldn't avoid Steve forever. His partner had already been discharged from the ICU. And quite honestly, he wouldn't put it past Steve to break out of the hospital and end up in front of his house. He needed to face the truth sooner or later.
He pushed himself up, needing to stabilise himself on the couch as the ground beneath him seemed to sway slightly. He headed to the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee which was the only thing that had been sustaining him the past few days. He just didn't have the appetite for anything else. Not with the guilt eating him.
He barely drank half the cup of coffee. Heading towards his room almost robotically, he grabbed a fresh pair of jeans and shirt. He took a long, warm shower, hoping to delay seeing his friend as much as possible. The shower helped. He looked less of a zombie and more of a human, though there was no hiding those dark circles under his eyes.
He breathed, fishing out the letter from his partner that he had kept in his wallet. He read those words again. For possibly the umpteenth time. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he mouthed a soft apology. He folded the piece of paper carefully, tucking it back into his wallet, behind the picture he had of Grace and Charlie. He breathed through the weight in his chest. An attempt to strengthen his resolve. He couldn't leave Steve hanging any longer. He grabbed his keys and headed out the door.
His heart beat heavily in his chest as he drove to the hospital. He tried to arrange his thoughts, to form the words in his mind. Even now, after three days of thinking, he couldn't find the right words for his partner.
The traffic was a little to smooth. There hadn't been enough time for him to figure it out before he arrived at the hospital. With every step that he took, he could feel his heart pounding against his ribs.
He stood in front of the door to Steve's room. The urge to make a run for it was immense. But he couldn't. Steeling himself, he pushed the door open.
Almost immediately, Steve turned to look at the door, his face lighting up with a soft smile. "Danno.."
Danny forced a smile on his face. He was genuinely happy to see that the three days had done his partner a lot of good. Steve looked a lot better than he had last seen. The colour on Steve's face had returned almost back to normal. There were no longer the overwhelming machines surrounding his partner though there was still an IV drip connected to Steve. But apart from that, Steve looked really well, which was a tremendous relief.
"Hey." He said almost too softly, gently touching Steve's foeearm. "You look good." He said, trying to sound as normal as possible.
"Yeah?" Steve smiled. His heart ached. "Can't say the same about you, buddy. Rough few days, huh? How's Charlie?"
"He's better."
"Everything okay, Danny?" Steve asked, a frown appearing on his face as he slowly sat up.
Danny helped his partner up, his hand supporting Steve's arm as he adjusted the bed and the pillows behind Steve's back.
"You're good?" Danny asked, ignoring Steve's question.
Steve nodded, the crease on his forehead remaining affixed. "Yeah.. I am. The PT is doing me good. Got me moving around a little." Steve said. "It's you, I'm worried about. What's wrong, Danny? You look..tensed.. something wrong?"
"I'm fine.. Charlie's alright too. Don't worry.." He said. "Just a little tired is all."
"You shouldn't have come if you were tired, Danny. I know I said I miss you but I didn't mean.. I'm fine now. Doc says it should be a matter of days before I'm out of here.." Steve said.
"I'm sorry I haven't been with you the last couple of days.." Danny said.
"Hey.. it's alright. Your kids always come first, right..."
"Hmm.." He hummed, avoiding Steve's eyes. "I..uh..I lied."
"What?"
"I didn't have Charlie the last few days. I lied." Danny looked up. "I needed.. time.. Time to think." He watched the colour drain from his partner's face and never had he hated himself more than in that moment.
He would hate himself for the rest of his life for breaking his partner's heart. But he knew that he would hate himself a lot more if he ended up killing his partner due to his selfishness. He would hate himself so much that he didn't think he would be able to go on living. So it was much easier to break his partner's heart now. He strengthened the resolve in his heart.
"Think.. about? About what I told you?" Almost immediately, the resolve melted away as he looked into Steve's tearful eyes. He had never seen his partner this way and never wished to either. And to be the reason for those tears just about killed him on the inside.
"Steve.." He looked down at his feet and swallowed the brewing tears. He could do this. "I.. I'm sorry.." He stuttered. "I.."
Danny looked up at his partner when Steve involuntarily let out a strangled gasp. Steve looked lost, blinking a few times, presumably to ward of the sting in his eyes.
"I'm really sorry.." He whispered the three words that were quite different from the ones he really wanted to say.
Steve cleared his throat, breathing in slowly as he slowly came to terms with the realisation that Danny didn't actually return his feelings. "I.. uhh.. I.. Look..I thought… Danny.. I did.." He attempted to string the words together but his mind seemed to have short-circuited.
"I'm really sorry, Steve.. I love you. I do. But.." Danny said, wrapping his fingers over Steve's.
"No.. it's okay.. I uh.. I get it.." Steve pulled his hand away and Danny could feel a fresh wave of agony in his chest.
"I'm sorry, Steve." His voice cracked as he repeated the words.
"No.. no.. I'm sorry.. I shouldn't have.. I thought.." Steve hid his face in his hands, rubbing his features as though it could erase the last few seconds away from his memory and Danny's. "I just thought.. I'm sorr.."
"You have nothing to be sorry about, Steve." Danny said quickly. "I'm the one who is sorry. I'm so sorry. I.."
"Stop.. Just stop apologizing." Steve voiced, almost with a tinge of annoyance and he deserved that completely.
He nodded slowly, for the first time in his life unable to find words to fill the silence between them.
"It's not your fault.. I was wrong to think that.." Steve said after a while. "Look…just.. forget about it.. Forget about all of this.. Please.. "
Except it wasn't that easy. How could he ever forget the look in Steve's eyes. How could he ever forget that the happiness he craved would never be his.
He nodded.
"Danny.. I'd.." Steve hesitated. "I'd like to be alone.."
He nodded, the tears spilling from his eyes. "St.."
"I'll be okay, Danny.. It's not your fault.. I just.." Steve paused. "Just.. please.."
He knew what it was Steve wanted to say. That it hurt too much to be looking at the man he loved knowing they would never be together. He knew how exactly that felt.
"Please go.." Steve whispered, his voice cracking discernibly.
And so he did. He turned his back on his partner and walked away.
He couldn't turn back. He wouldn't turn back.
Even if he knew that with every step he took, he was trampling all over Steve's heart, he had to walk away. Because he would willingly play the villain and break Steve's heart but he could never be the reason Steve lost his life.
He continued walking, his vision fading as the tears seemed to lose all restrain and flood his eyes. He was doing the right thing and no one could tell him any different.
He wouldn't turn. Steve had asked him to leave, as he rightly should.
He wasn't sure how he made it to his car. He didn't remember turning the engine on, nor the drive home. He couldn't remember anything at all. Everything else was masked by the memory of Steve's disappointment and the inexplicable ache in his chest. He couldn't breathe, as though a huge boulder was constricting his chest.
It was a miracle he made it home in one piece. He entered the house and barely made it inside. No longer needing to keep up the pretence, his body crashed and he collapsed onto the ground, shutting out the world that had fallen apart around him.
...
"I lied. I needed time.. Time to think." The moment Danny avoided his eyes, he knew exactly what Danny was about to tell him.
The thing was, he knew Danny like the back of his hand. He knew exactly what his partner was thinking at any single time, well, at least he liked to believe so. He knew when Danny was uncomfortable. When Danny was upset. When Danny was terrified. When Danny was happy. And he also knew when Danny was sad.
This look in Danny's eyes wasn't something he had seen often. There was mix of sadness and discomfort hidden behind those blue eyes that had him worried. Danny's voice was subdued, as though something was weighing heavily on his mind. But more than that, there was something apparent in Danny's gaze.
Guilt.
Danny's eyes were filled with guilt as he avoided his eyes. And he could guess why. He didn't want to believe it but if he knew Danny as well as he did, he could guess what Danny would say.
And he was right.
Steve bit his lips as he watched Danny struggling with his words. Another thing that was extremely rare for the loud-mouthed curmudgeon. He he had gotten it all wrong. Danny didn't love him that way. The way he wanted to be loved.
Danny didn't love him back. Danny didn't love love him. He had been wrong after all…
Maybe he didn't know Danny as well as he thought he did. No, not maybe. He didn't know Danny at all. If he did, he would never have misunderstood Danny's friendship and loyalty for something it wasn't.
How could he have been this stupid? How could he have been this reckless? But then again, Danny always did say he was reckless. He always took stupid risks.
Danny was apologising. He kept apologising. Saying sorry over and over again. Except.. it wasn't Danny's fault. It wasn't Danny's fault that he loved his best friend. It wasn't Danny's fault that he had monumentally screwed up.
It wasn't Danny's fault that he had taken the biggest risk in his life. The risk he took that might have just cost him the thing he deemed most important in his life. The most important person in his life.
"Stop.. Just stop apologizing." He voiced more harshly than he intended. Annoyed. Not at Danny, but at himself. It wasn't Danny's fault that he didn't love him the way he did. It was his fault for voicing out the words and possibly ruining their friendship.
He was afraid. Steve McGarrett was freaking terrified. Terrified of losing the man in front of him.
What would Danny think of him now? Could they ever get past this?
He wished Danny would say something. Anything besides an apology.
He wished he could turn back time. He wished he could erase this from their memories. He just wanted things to go back to the way it was before. But he knew there was no going back now.
"It's not your fault.. I was wrong to think that.." He plucked the courage to speak as the unnerving silence between them dragged on. "Look…just.. forget about it.. Forget about all of this.. Please.."
When Danny didn't answer aside from a solemn nod, he knew he could no longer bear to be in the same space as his partner. Never had he hated being stuck in a hospital bed more than that moment. He wanted to run but his body failed him. He breathed, "Danny.. I'd like to be alone."
He watched the tears spill out from his partner's conflicted eyes. "St.." Danny began and he knew what Danny would say.
"I'll be okay, Danny.. It's not your fault.. I just.." Steve convinced his partner. He needed Danny to know that he didn't blame him. Feelings couldn't be forced and although he had known there was a very real possibility that Danny would reject him, he hadn't quite expected it.
"Just.. please.." He paused. "Please go.."
He was grateful that Danny didn't insist. That Danny left. Danny's retreating back was all he could see amidst the tears blurring his vision. Steve watched as his best friend walked away. He never imagined this. He never thought that one day, he might lose Danny. But it seemed that with his confession, that was exactly what had happened. He had lost his best friend, his partner, his soulmate. Probably forever.
He hoped Danny wouldn't turn back. He wasn't quite sure how to face his partner. His chest hurt, supressed sobs seizing his heart. It hurt so much. With every step that Danny took away from him, it felt like his heart was being ripped apart. He was better off not realising his feelings for Danny.
Danny paused at the door but didn't turn back. With hesitant steps, Danny walked out of his room, disappearing from sight. Alone, the pathetic hurt in his chest became insurmountable as the tears imprisoned in his eyes were finally let loose.
...
A/N: Hey everyone! First of all thank you to those still reading this little story of mine. My muse is really with a mind of its own for this one. I really hope you guys are still enjoying it. Let me know what you think.