Shinji lay in his bedroll, drifting on the edge of consciousness. On the nights when Asuka had a nightmare he didn't sleep well either. Occasionally he had nightmares too, but it was worse when they came to her. Hearing her tossing in bed, mumbling restlessly and being unable to help in any way was awful. All he could do was wait and pray that the next moment of silence was the end of it and not a fleeting lull. It could last for hours.
That night Shinji fell asleep quickly and had a few hours of good rest. Then it started. It was a bright night, so he could see Asuka's face well as she lay a few meters away from him.
Shinji closed eyes and tried to not pay attention to Asuka. There was nothing he could do, his worry was pointless. The S-DAT player would have been helpful if he still had it. He was disgusted with himself for having such thoughts.
A moan of pain sounded in the dead of the night.
Shinji's eyes shot wide open. He glanced at Asuka, yet she looked fine. He lay still and listened intently. Was his mind so robbed of the rest that it started to hallucinate? He waited for a while, but nothing disturbed the silence.
He thought he could go back to sleep when it repeated again, now louder. Shinji sat up. It was definitely her. In front of his eyes Asuka started tossing in sleep again. Her movements were chaotic, then left hand moved to her face, then darted to her stomach. She curled into a ball and screamed. A tear rolled down her cheek.
Shinji panicked. He never saw her react like that to a nightmare before. Something was very wrong. He couldn't just watch idly.
"Asuka. Asuka! Wake up!"
She didn't react. Words did nothing. He came closer. What should he do? He gently shook her shoulder. It didn't seem to work, so he put a bit more force into it.
At that moment Asuka raised her right hand. It froze near his cheek. Her face relaxed a little. Was it over? Did he manage to somehow help her or did the nightmare pass on its own? He wondered what it was about.
Then in one swift move her hands lounged to his throat and squeezed. Squeezed hard.
First few seconds Shinji was too shocked to do anything. What? Why? Asuka's lips moved. He couldn't hear what she said at first.
"...kill you... I'll kill you..." Her voice full of hatred chilled him to the bones.
Shinji tried to release or at least weaken the grasp on his neck, but her fingers felt like steel. He started panicking when he needed to draw a breath and still couldn't do it. Maybe he could wake her up if he struck back, hurt her in any way? This thought didn't meet any support in his mind. He continued the futile struggle until strength left his hands and sight started dimming. To his surprise he felt unusually calm. There was no regret. If only he could see her smile one more time.
He heard a sharp gasp.
His body dropped onto the ground. Air rushed into his lungs. It scraped his throat, causing a bout of cough. Shinji was forcefully turned on his back, his shoulders shaken violently.
"Shinji? Shinji!"
He wished to get up, but his body didn't comply. Talking was out of his abilities too. As Shinji's vision regained clarity, he saw Asuka leaning over him. He didn't remember her ever looking so scared.
"I'm sorry," —he coughed again— "you had a nightmare."
He smiled. He wasn't sure why. Maybe it was to reassure her that he was fine. His head felt very light and mind didn't work like usual.
"It is not funny, idiot!" She punched him in the chest. It didn't hurt.
He didn't know what to say, so he kept looking at her. There were still tears in her eyes. Asuka must haven't recovered from the nightmare yet. He felt bad for causing more trouble for her.
Shinji felt he had enough strength to get up now. Asuka sat on the blanket hugging her knees. Her face was hidden behind the curtain of her bangs. He coughed again before he could talk.
"Are you alright?"
She raised her head. He could barely see her eyes in the darkness of the night.
"You are truly an idiot. No, I'm not. Isn't it obvious? I almost killed you!"
"I wouldn't hold a grudge if you did."
"You don't understand? It is not a joke! It could have happened! Of course you don't get it. You would have run away already if you weren't an idiot."
"What? No way I would do it—"
He stopped under Asuka's piercing gaze. She looked away.
"You would if you knew what's good for you," she whispered. Shinji had no idea what to say. It didn't make sense to him. After a minute of silence Asuka picked a pebble and angrily threw it into the darkness. "It is pathetic. You don't have nightmares like that. Invincible Shinji is tougher than that."
"You are wrong. I do have them."
Asuka sharply turned her head and looked at him.
"Really? Which one?"
He didn't need to ask what she meant.
"Different each time. I think I had nightmares about all of them."
"Even the one looking like a spider?"
He thought for a few seconds.
"No. Except it."
They felt silent again. Shinji wanted to ask what her nightmare was about. But should he pry her for such things? He still remembered how she shot him down when he tried asking about her life, when she had a call from her mom. No, it was her stepmother. Anyway, if Asuka thought it wasn't worth telling him anything, he didn't want to bother her. But as with all his other decisions he had doubts if it was the right one.
"Was your nightmare about an angel?" Shinji voiced a timid question at last.
Asuka stayed silent for so long that Shinji thought she would ignore his question.
"No." Another pause made him think it was all. But she continued, "Not angel, the white Eva. I finally caught the damned thing."
"You say you have nightmares too. Which angel is your worst?"
"I don't know. There are few that keep returning. Blue cube, the white and round one, –"
Asuka frowned.
"The one that killed the wondergirl? Of course. Why did I even ask?"
"– the one that stayed in space too," he continued.
"Why? You haven't even fought that one!"
Shinji stopped his attempts to remember other angels.
"I wish I did."
"Idiot! You have no idea what you are talking about! You didn't have to face that thing, good for you! You would have changed your mind very quickly after ten seconds under its beam!" Asuka got riled up more and more as she spoke. "Oh, she suffered no injuries, so how bad could it be? What a wimp she is! You think something like that, don't you?"
"No, never–"
"So what was so bad about that one to give you nightmares?"
What was so bad about it indeed? He was in a backup. His Eva was forbidden to launch. He only followed the orders. He had been reprimanded for not following them before. He didn't want to disappoint Misato or his father, did he? It was the commander's decision. And it seemed to be the right one. Rei killed the angel after all.
Then why did he feel so guilty? Why?
He did nothing wrong!
He did nothing wrong.
He did nothing.
He shuddered as another memory ringed in his ears.
"The way you screamed in the voice comms… It sounded horrible." He wanted to say more, but a lump in his throat made it impossible.
"You have no idea." Asuka raised her head. Her gaze locked up on something in the cloudless sky. "It crawls into your mind and there is no way to stop it. No weapon can reach the bastard. You can feel it slipping in, digging for the worst, most painful moments, using them against you. It made me live through –"
She didn't finish it. Shinji stayed as quiet as he could to not interrupt her. Asuka opened and closed her mouth again a few times. A tear rolled on her cheek. It glimmered in the moonlight for a second before she wiped it. She paused and looked with a slight surprise at the wet spot on her hand. Her gaze shot at Shinji. Their eyes met. Horror swept over her face.
"Just forget about it!" There was panic in her voice. "I'm fine! Just a bad night. Nothing special!"
"Asuka…"
She recoiled from him.
"Don't touch me while I'm sleeping!" Her voice was trembling. "Now go back to your bed!"
It didn't leave much space for discussion. Shinji didn't know what he could do except to follow her command. He lay for a while listening if Asuka's nightmare would return until the fatigue got better of him.
The next day Asuka acted like nothing happened. Shinji didn't bring it up either.
The days passed. As they walked, there were changes in the landscape.
For the first time Shinji saw trees still standing. They were without a single leaf on them, bare, spiky and withered. It looked like something drained all life force from them and left empty husks behind. It would have been funny how much it reminded him the way evil forests were usually drawn in children's books, if the sight wasn't so ghastly. At least the wood burned well.
The buildings they passed changed. It was no longer uncommon to see a house still having walls intact, or a part of the roof in place. But after a house wall almost fell onto his head, Shinji learned to be very cautious around them and became hesitant to come close to anything that was higher than himself.
Yet, the temptation was too high. With some luck and caution ten minutes of looting a house could provide more goods than digging rubble for hours. He didn't need much, but he couldn't pass up an opportunity to bring something that would make Asuka happy.
Shinji didn't like when Asuka risked entering the ruins. But she didn't listen to any of his arguments.
"It would be fine! It dropped on you because you are an idiot. I know how to handle it."
All discussions died down completely when Asuka found first relatively intact wardrobe. Shinji knew then it was no longer a battle he could win.
He couldn't deny that their life became more comfortable with all the new items. More food variety. Hygiene products – Asuka quickly collected a big bag of different jars and bottles. Clothes – she had an even bigger pile of these. Shoes. Things for the camp. None of it was new, but all was very welcome.
It was ironic that he finally found a tin box with some threads and needles. Right when they could just throw out the torn clothing and find a replacement. What was the point in repairing? A shirt was a shirt. Did it matter what color it was? However, Asuka didn't agree with him. She went through an uncountable number of clothing and still wasn't satisfied. Shinji heard an endless stream of complaints. About size, fit, color, pattern.
Once he noticed that Asuka inspected something for longer than usual. It was a skirt.
"It is not fair! Why does this one have to be with buttons torn out?" A second later it flew into the garbage pile.
Shinji pulled it out when Asuka went away. He couldn't see how it was better than others, but Asuka didn't complain about anything except the buttons. She must have liked it.
It took him a lot of effort. He needed to find a donor piece to get some buttons he could use, then sew them on. It turned out to be a lot harder than he expected. He lost count how many times he sewed the button on only to cut it out again. Asuka would not tolerate sloppy work. It had to look good.
Shinji faced a question than – how should he present his work? For some reason he was scared of giving it to her directly. What if she wouldn't like it? He decided to just put it on top of the bag with her clothing and hope she would notice it.
Asuka caught him in the process.
"Huh? What are you doing?"
Shinji froze in place, skirt still in his hand.
"I… It is..."
Asuka marched forward.
"Are you stealing my clothing?"
"No! It is not it."
"Then what is it?" her finger pointed to a garment he instinctively tried to hide behind his back.
Shinji took a few breaths, trying to gather resolve.
"I tried to fix it." He showed her the skirt. "You threw it away because it didn't have buttons."
Asuka took her time to inspect his work. She didn't raise immediate complaints. He hoped it was a sign she liked it.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
He got angry "Are you an idiot?" look from Asuka.
"Why did you try to fix it?"
"It— It looked nice. I thought you'd like it."
Asuka took it without saying another word.
Shinji was happy it went relatively well. But his relief didn't last long. The fixed skirt brought unexpected consequences. Asuka started demanding his opinion about the clothes she brought. And she wasn't satisfied with his, "Good. It looks good."
"Does anything look good to you, idiot?"
"Yes?"
Was it his fault that most of what she showed him was good? He felt Asuka would be pretty no matter what she wore. But she must have felt different about it. She blew up after a few days. Asuka stopped asking him after it.
Nothing of what she showed him stayed. Yet, she often wore the skirt he mended.
It was early evening. They agreed to move out early in the morning to get more time while the sun was not so hot. It meant everything had to be prepared the evening before.
Shinji hated packing up. After days spent at current place a bunch of new items were added to his possessions. It presented a dilemma. His backpack was already full to the brim. No way he could fit everything in. Even if he could, Shinji doubted he would be able to carry it all. It meant he needed to choose what to keep and what to leave behind.
"Huh, what are you pouting about?" Of course Asuka couldn't help but jab at him as she was passing by. Wasn't it obvious what he was busy with?
"Nothing. Just packing." He tried to push in the last bundle again. It almost got there, but slipped out the moment Shinji tried to close the backpack. Shinji furled brows in irritation. Asuka looking with amusement didn't help his mood. Why was she so cheerful? Did she enjoy seeing him fail or what?
"Stupid thing!" He pushed the backpack away. Asuka still looked curiously at him. "What? I wish we could stop somewhere at last and not need to pack everything every few days."
"And where would that be?" Shinji tried to walk away to avoid her gaze, but Asuka followed him. "A quiet village in a valley which was unaffected by whatever made this mess? Oh, you must hope to find another woman to take you in and make you do all the chores, don't you?"
Her smug smile was irritating. What did she mean? Shinji frowned.
"Misato wasn't that bad."
Asuka's expression lost its playfulness as he said it.
"You were drooling over her body just like the other two stooges, weren't you?"
"What? N-no!"
"Really?" Asuka came uncomfortably close and looked directly into his eyes. "So why are you so eager to defend her?"
"She cared about me."
"She did her job. She did what was needed to get you into the entry plug. You were the hardest for her to handle, so she spent more effort on you. Misato wouldn't have lifted a finger if you piloted willingly. Or if you were obedient like that doll. It would have worked for her too."
No, it wasn't true. It had to be. Misato wasn't the exemplary guardian, but she did care about them in her own way. Right? Shinji tried to find arguments that would prove Asuka wrong. He was sure there should be enough moments. Yet, he looked and looked and nothing came. The few memories where Misato felt like one of very few people happy to have him around were poisoned by doubt. Was she genuine? Or was it only a mask to make him compliant with his role? He no longer knew.
"If she had returned, would you want to live with Misato again?"
It should have been an easy question. Wouldn't it be nice to wake up again in Misato's apartment? But would Misato care about him if there was no Evangelion for him to pilot? And would Asuka be there?
"I don't know," he said. Asuka's expression softened slightly. She didn't push him further.
Shinji gathered items for which he couldn't find space in the backpack and carried them to the closest building. There were already a few stacks of bundles, boxes and bags. All the things that they didn't need or couldn't bring with them were stored neatly. Asuka had a habit of just throwing out anything she considered trash. It was a very wide and vague category. Shinji didn't like being wasteful. He covered the stash with boards to preserve it from the elements. Maybe one day it would be helpful to someone.
Someone. Did anyone except them return? There were no signs of other people anywhere. He felt guilty for wishing them to live in such a hellscape.
Asuka was rummaging in her backpack when he returned.
"Do you think we might be the only ones who returned?"
"I don't know. Can be." Her casual tone baffled Shinji.
"You say it so calmly."
"You worry too much."
"But what if there are only empty ruins everywhere? Where are we going then?"
"Have you got a news report or something? How are you going to learn if it is true or not if not by going to different places?" Asuka sounded irritated. "Even in the worst case – there is nobody around indeed – are you okay with settling right here?"
Shinji looked around once more. Their camp was no longer a few blankets put over bare rocks, with a fireplace nearby. It had all the things they found, including even some furniture from the houses nearby. It was better than what they had before. They lived like kings of the junkyard. But Shinji couldn't call it home.
"No."
"Good. Then pack it up too." Asuka threw a small bag to him which he caught instinctively.
"What? Hey! Why should I carry your belongings? There is no space for it in my backpack!"
Shinji fought bravely, but from the very beginning he knew it was not the fight he could win.
Shinji held an unusual find.
It was a white box with a red cross on its side and a label "Pool & Lifeguard First Aid Kit". He knew it meant some medicine inside, so he brought it to the camp.
Shinji emptied the box on his blanket and was studying its content now. He recognized the adhesive bandages. These would definitely be useful. But other items left him at loss. They couldn't carry much, so he had to choose the most essential items, but he had no idea what most of them did. The box was full of things that could be very important.
After a while he got tired of trying to decipher the labels. There were a lot of words on the packages, but they didn't improve his understanding much. Shinji sighed and stuffed it all back.
Few items he didn't notice before caught his attention. First one was a red whistle on a cord. He inspected it closer. Then tried to blow into it. The sound was awfully loud. He put it away.
Another object was a small book titled "First Aid Guide". It was interesting. Also it wasn't like he had anything better to do, so why not read something that might be helpful one day? Some images and descriptions were gruesome, he tried to get over them quickly. Other topics he could stomach without issues.
On one page he stayed longer than on the others. Symptoms and treatment of hypothermia. Huh, so Asuka didn't make it up when she told him that sharing body heat is helpful to warm up a person. He blushed as he read that the book called for undressing both people for it to be effective.
No, he should drop these thoughts at once!
Shinji jumped as he heard a sudden noise behind him and hurriedly closed the guide. Asuka looked at him suspiciously.
"Huh? What are you doing there?"
Somehow she always knew.
"Nothing! I mean, I found some medicine. I was trying to figure out what it was for."
"Why are you so nervous? You look suspicious."
"You just scared me!"
Only then he noticed what Asuka brought to the camp.
"Why do you need a bicycle that doesn't even have pedals?"
"Because you don't need to ride one for it to be useful! Check this out!"
She pointed to a few bundles hanging off its frame. It didn't look too impressive to him yet. He changed his mind when he tried to pick them up. He would never have guessed how much they weighed from the nonchalant way Asuka rolled the bicycle.
She smiled, satisfied that her ingenuity made an impression on him.
"So, what's this?" Shinji didn't notice when Asuka got to the first aid kit. She looked at the pile of medicine, then picked up the first aid guide and quickly flipped through its pages.
"Good. It would be good to have this just in case," she said and returned back to the bundles she brought.
Shinji released a breath he didn't notice he was holding. Asuka didn't catch what he was reading. He was saved.
It was time to make dinner. Shinji looked again at the box. He decided he would sort it out later. For now, he packed its content back.
Shinji woke up in a cold sweat. No! Asuka!
In a manic rush he turned, looking for her in the darkness. Asuka was in her bedroll, where she should have been.
It didn't bring the relief he hoped for. Shinji knew it was just a nightmare and everything was fine, but a rational explanation didn't help in calming him down. His heart still beat madly, horrible images lingered in his mind. He once more saw the aftermath of Asuka's last battle. Shinji wished he could purge these memories out of his mind, but he doubted it was possible.
He was agitated to the extreme. Sleep was out of the question. But it was still dark. From the experience Shinji knew he needed more rest, unless he wanted to have a very unpleasant day.
He needed to relax. Shinji lay on his back. The sky was cloudless and full of stars. Yet it was impossible to calm down. Even though he knew Asuka was right there, he was anxious it was some trick of a sick mind. He wasn't sure what was a dream and what – a reality. Shinji felt his heart rate increasing again, it was hard to breathe.
Shinji turned on his side. He needed to see her, to see she was okay.
Asuka lay not far from him. In the darkness he could only see an outline of her body under the cover and a mop of hair. Yet it was enough. He saw slight movements as she breathed and it calmed him. She was fine. It was only a bad dream.
Shinji didn't notice when he fell asleep again.
He hoped he would never see that nightmare again. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. It returned.
Then there were other dreams. Some of them weren't as gruesome. But they still left him trembling in despair when he woke up. She wasn't dead in these. Not always. Sometimes Asuka was missing. Sometimes other terrible things happen to her. Sometimes she looked fine at first, but her eyes were lifeless.
The one constant thing was - he couldn't help her. He was too late, wasn't there when she needed help. Even when he was present – the nightmare showed her succumbing to some illness in front of his eyes, him being impotent to stop it.
His sleep was terrible because of it. There was a remedy that helped, but he felt he resorted to it too often. Him waking up at night and seeking comfort in watching Asuka asleep was now a common occurrence. What would she think if she found out? He tried to not think about it.
Shinji also started waking up early even when he didn't have a nightmare. He opened eyes in the darkness, his body instilled with strange and shameful agitation. There was no excuse, his reasons were nothing but selfish. Yet something made him do it again and again. He looked for this moment in the evenings when he went to bed. He got upset when he overslept.
It was the best time of the day for him. Shinji was nervous, but not too much. Asuka was not an early riser, so he felt safe.
The sky slowly brightened. Most of the stars grew dim or disappeared completely except for the one. It shone especially brightly and didn't twinkle. It often accompanied him in his misdeeds. Shinji knew when it came the sunrise was soon to follow.
Morning after morning Shinji tried to understand why Asuka looked so different in the time like this. Maybe it was a lack of piercing stare turned at him that made him more comfortable. With eyes closed her features looked softer. The brows that he often saw furrowed in anger were relaxed. Her sharp nose looked the same. He couldn't determine if her lips looked different. As soon as his eyes found them his mind stopped working properly. It made his thoughts lose clearness and lured him to come closer.
He often had to turn away completely to break out of this enchantment and not do something ridiculously stupid. Though it never lasted for long before he yielded to the temptation and turned back to look at Asuka again.
Trying to avoid treacherous contours of her lips, his eyes stopped on her neck. It wasn't much better. So he escaped to her chin or forehead if it wasn't covered with locks of hair. Yes, the forehead was a safe place.
What he was doing was indecent, but he couldn't stop. Shinji was burning with shame. How could he betray her trust like this? He wasn't like this before. He used to be able to control himself. It terrified him that it was getting worse with time. He also got bolder with each day.
The lone star seemed to look at him with condemnation.
Suddenly, Asuka moved. His heart almost jumped out of his chest. But she only turned to the other side.
Shinji felt relieved. At last the enchantment that tormented him was lifted. But at the same time he felt a bitter resentment for being robbed.
At least he had a view of her hair as a consolation. Shinji watched it getting back its fiery color from the coming sun itself.
He kept looking when she turned back. His stare kept wandering in admiration. The flow of time seemed to stop. He kept discovering some minor details he didn't notice before. He took notice of miniscule movements on Asuka's face as she breathed. How her eyelashes trembled when she slept. The way she put her hands. The shape of her brows and how they peeked from under the waterfall of red hair. The deep sapphire of her irises.
The what?
He blinked a few times. It didn't change. His eyes opened wide. Oh no.
No panic! She might have just woken up! Asuka's crystal clear stare laser-focused on him told him he was wrong. He used to trick her a few times by pretending to be still asleep. It would not work this time. Fool! He should have stopped when he was almost caught last time.
Shinji's thoughts were in disarray. What should he do? Maybe she didn't see much and he would be able to find an excuse. He stood up and tried to follow usual morning routine like nothing happened. But occasional nervous glances at Asuka betrayed his acting. He felt her gaze on himself whenever he went.
Yet Asuka didn't say a word.
He took an empty cooking pot and went to the river. Asuka followed him. He had no pretenses left to justify escape.
"So, what were you doing?" she said when she caught up with him. Her tone was casual, but Shinji felt pinned down by the question.
"What do you mean, Asuka?"
"Stop it." As usual, she saw right through all his tricks. Asuka walked around him. "Don't pretend you have no idea what I meant," she said as she passed behind him.
Shinji froze in place. He could feel cold sweat forming on his forehead. She saw. She saw him. He was done.
"You looked like you were having a good time. Did your eye find something to its liking?" He didn't feel any anger in her words. There was even some playfulness. It could only mean that when the anger would come it would be terrifying. His knees were shaking.
"Tell me. What was it that put a smile on your face?" What? Did he smile?
She made a full circle around him and now stood in front of him. Her face changed as she met his eyes. The smug smile disappeared, replaced by a look of confusion. The irritation was added when Shinji didn't say anything.
"Hey! Are these questions too hard for you?"
He knew well how it would go if he didn't answer. He didn't want to anger Asuka even more. But his tongue refused to move. Asuka read something on his face that made her explode.
"What's wrong with you? It is stupid! What are you so afraid of, you—" Something on his face made her eyes widened and her mouth stayed open, not finishing the words.
She took a step back, then ran away before Shinji could do or say anything.
He didn't find her in the camp. Nor did he see her in the city. She came back only in the evening and didn't explain anything. Shinji didn't ask any questions, even though anxiety was eating him all day. His mind drew many scenarios of what could have happened.
Asuka didn't mention that morning again. He should have felt relief of being saved from it. But he felt he paid a terrible price for it. The look on her face before she ran away haunted him.
Shinji thought about confessing what he did, but the idea terrified him.
He didn't allow himself to look at Asuka while she slept anymore. Without it the nightmares became worse.
Asuka avoided him for the next few days. She was unusually quiet when he saw her. It worried Shinji.
Then her mood changed again. At first he thought everything was back to normal. But he quickly noticed that it wasn't. Asuka always had a short temper, but now she has become especially volatile. She exploded due to the smallest grievances and inconveniences. It kept him on the edge, he never knew when the next moment would come.
Maybe it was partly his own fault. She clearly didn't like how he asked where she was going many times a day, sometimes following her around if she didn't answer. He couldn't help it. If Asuka was absent for some time, Shinji's mind went wild with dozens of horrible possibilities. He had to accept that she wouldn't be near him all the time, but he checked on her more often than before.
Shinji wanted to lift her spirit. But how? What could he do for her? A week passed before he finally found something that might work.
He pulled a half full bucket out of the stream. Full one would have been too heavy for him. His muscles ache. It wasn't the first bucket, nor was it the last one. He willed himself to start moving. The path became familiar already, but he had to choose each step carefully to not trip over a piece of debris.
A bead of sweat formed on his forehead. His fingers were burning under the weight. Shinji pushed it out of his mind and focused instead on the steps, on a feeling of brick, wood or rocks under soles of his sneakers, the sound of smaller debris crushed under his feet.
"What are you doing?" heard from behind, caught him off guard. He didn't tell Asuka about his idea. He wasn't sure if he wanted to make a surprise, or to check if it would work at all first.
The bucket almost fell out of his hand as he turned around. Any words he might have had, left his mind. Asuka watched him suspiciously.
"Where are you taking this? The camp is in another direction."
Shinji considered trying to explain, but gave up quickly. They were almost there. It would be easier to just show.
"There," he pointed to a house nearby.
It lacked the roof, but the walls were still standing. The front door was missing. He entered, showing the way.
The smell of dust was in the air.
He walked past a dining table crushed under a big block of concrete, stepped over the massive wooden beam that could have been supporting the roof. Narrow hallway leading to the back rooms of the house was filled up to their knees with debris. Broken stairs leading nowhere were visible in the doorway.
The hallway ended abruptly. Instead of leading to a living room, where the family spent time together, it opened to a view of a ruined city. The back of the house was cut clean.
Shinji turned to a room that was reduced to just a nook between a few walls. He put down the bucket, exhaled with relief and stretched out his tired fingers. When Asuka appeared behind him he presented his finding.
"I thought maybe we can use it."
The place was thoroughly cleared. Light blue tiles with a geometric pattern could be still seen here and there. In the center of it stood a big white bathtub.
"I think it can be heated with fire underneath," Shinji said and knocked on the side of the bath. It produced dull metallic clang. "It's been a long time since we had a proper bath. I thought it would be nice."
He turned to her.
Asuka stared at the bathtub with wide-open eyes.
"Asuka?"
There was no reaction.
"What's wrong?"
Her face was pale. Asuka swayed slightly, looking like she was close to falling. Shinji made a step forward and raised a hand to catch her if needed.
In an instant her expression changed from shock to fear and she bolted away.
"Asuka!"
Shinji ran out of the building after her. Treacherous brick at the entrance caught his leg and threw him onto the ground. He had a mouth full of dust, scratches all over his palms and a number of bruises on his legs. He could still see Asuka, but she was so far ahead already. He got up ignoring the protest of his aching legs and ran after her.
He struggled with debris on the street, and almost fell again a few times. He panted heavily. He was losing the chase. Red hair steadily got further away from him. Then he saw it one last time flying in the air before it disappeared around the corner.
He had to hurry to not lose her, but he couldn't make himself move faster than a jog. There was not a chance that he could catch up with her.
Yet out of dumb stubbornness he refused to admit defeat. Did he really need to cross the corner and see an empty street without any hint where Asuka went? He was too slow. Too weak. He tried his best, but it was clearly not enough. It was time to accept it.
He didn't listen to what must have been a voice of reason and kept walking. Each step was accompanied with ache in his stomach. She called him an idiot, didn't she? It wouldn't make it worse if he acted like one once more.
At last he passed the corner and stopped. Was he satisfied now? Or did he need…
He didn't finish the thought.
"Asuka!"
Her body lay on the ground, red hair spread out on the dusty road.
Did she break a leg or sprain an ankle? Oh no. Shinji tried to remember everything he knew about treating such wounds while he hurried to Asuka. From up close he didn't see any signs of leg injury, except some scraped skin on her knees. If it wasn't it then what? Did she hit head while falling? An image of bloodied hair and lifeless stare flashed in front of his eyes. It made him nauseous. His hands trembled.
Whatever hesitation he had before was erased now. He had to check her wound if there was one. He kneeled down.
And froze as he met Asuka's stare.
It lasted only a second before she turned her head down, hiding her eyes behind the bangs. Was it a warning? He lost any idea what was going on and what he should do.
She had unpleasantly looking scrapes on her knees, but she didn't seem to be in pain. He'd think she was just resting if it wasn't in the middle of a dirty street and on the rough bed of bricks and stones. Unlike him she was breathing steadily.
Her skirt started slowly sliding off her thigh. It was instantly caught and put back in place. It was the one he repaired for her. She wore it often. Now it was missing buttons he sewed on previously that kept it in place. She must have tripped over it. He felt ashamed of his poor work and completely lost. Why did he chase her in the first place? He had no idea what he should do now.
"Are you alright?"
His mouth was dry. The words didn't come easily. And it sounded so stupid. Of course she wasn't! What was he asking?
There was no response for a while.
"Leave me alone."
Shinji's first reaction was to obey her words and escape. She gave him an excuse herself. But he knew he would regret it. He hurt her before because of his cowardice. He had no idea what he had to do and the possibility of provoking her rage terrified him. But he didn't take a step back.
A silence lingered for a while.
"Why?" she asked, barely moving her lips. "Why are you here?"
"Please. Let's go home." He bit his tongue. There was no such place as home anymore. "Let's return to the camp. Can you walk?"
Asuka didn't respond.
Shinji had no strength to worry anymore. He had no idea what to do. He couldn't make Asuka go with him. He felt she would hit him and ran away again if he tried to touch her. Leaving her was not an option either. He feared he wouldn't be able to find her again if he went away even for a moment.
At last Asuka stood up keeping a hand on her skirt and started walking. Shinji was relieved when she turned in the direction of the camp.
She ignored him all the way. At the camp Asuka didn't wait for dinner, skipped the evening routine and went to bed. Shinji still made a meal for her and set it aside in case she would be hungry later.
The night went uneasy. Shinji drifted all night in and out of shallow sleep. He woke up often to check on Asuka. One time he felt he heard a quiet groan. It was silenced quickly. In his groggy state he wasn't sure if it was real or his mind played games with him.
It was late morning. Shinji checked on Asuka again. She still laid motionlessly on her side in the bedroll, staring in the distance. She wasn't sleeping for a while, but didn't get up. It was late even by her standards.
Shinji ate the stale meal he made yesterday and made a fresh breakfast for her. It had cooled down already. He wondered if he should have waited with it.
Time passed.
Shinji had no idea what to occupy himself with. Even though she wasn't sleeping, he still tried to not make any noise to not annoy Asuka. He felt stupid. What good did his presence do?
He decided to give her some space and left the camp. Shinji didn't go far – just enough to not bother Asuka. He returned to check on her occasionally. He didn't see any change. Until she didn't find her at the usual place.
His heart raced as Shinji rushed to search for her. Fortunately, it didn't last long. He found Asuka at the riverbank. She sat hugging her knees and watched with a blank stare in the distance. He felt relieved that she finally got up. But Asuka didn't respond to his attempts to talk to her. It wasn't over.
He felt awful. He must have been too clingy lately. It was clear she didn't want him around. Shouldn't he respect her wish? Leaving her alone was an easy and tempting choice. If he did nothing she would have nothing to be angry about.
Shinji returned to the camp. The sun was past midday. His stare lingered on her meal, still left untouched.
Sound of footsteps disturbed the silence at the riverbank again. It was soon accompanied by a clinking of plastic spoons and bowls. As Shinji came closer a smell of food spread around. He put down a bowl near Asuka, then sat not far away from her. He felt like a winded up spring. Would Asuka lash out and drive him away? She didn't say anything about him disturbing her solitude. At least for now.
Shinji waited. It felt rude to start eating first. But Asuka ignored the food.
The silence felt suffocating. He should say something, but what?
Shinji started eating. It gave him an excuse to not talk.
He barely put any food onto the spoon to prolong his meal as far as possible. His mind worked in panic, trying to find any solution to the issue at hand, all in vain. The less food there was left in his bowl the more anxious he became. He bought himself some time, but it was not enough.
What if he was only getting on her nerves? He felt like an idiot, and this feeling intensified with each minute. He tried to not attract attention to himself, but his every move felt awfully loud. What a disaster. What was he even thinking? What did he hope to achieve with this?
Then he suddenly heard some weird sound. Shinji froze. It repeated again in the silence of the evening. Asuka's stomach rumbled. She tried to not pay attention to it, but it happened again even more loudly.
Shinji saw a struggle going behind her eyes. At last Asuka let earthly urges take over and took the bowl. She didn't show any enjoyment of the food. Shinji didn't expect her to praise it. He knew well how much she hated the limited choice of foods they had. But even then there was a satisfaction of finally having a full belly. He didn't see anything like that coming from her. Asuka looked like eating was a burden for her, an unpleasant obligation put on her against her will.
Shinji couldn't get it out of his mind the next few days. Her strange state unnerved him. Would it continue? What if it gets worse? Fortunately for him, she slowly got better.
Yet things didn't return to how they were. Asuka stayed unusually quiet for days to come. She used to hate moments when there was nothing to do and looked for some activity to occupy herself or demanded him to entertain her. He never was good at it, which irritated Asuka, sometimes she got really mad at him for it. It repeated again and again. He didn't understand why she kept doing it. The one thing he learned very well - bored Asuka was scary and dangerous Asuka.
Now she could be lost in thoughts for a long time. So less things to worry about for him, right? But something important was lost with it. He admired her fiery spirit even though he was burnt by it often. Now something essential to it was gone, leaving only embers where once was an untamable flame. Seeing Asuka like this made his heart ache.
Shinji stood on the crossroads. One road followed the riverbed inland. Another one crossed over the river and led further along the coastline.
Which way should they go? He looked at Asuka.
Usually she had strong opinions about everything. He rarely argued with her. Most often he either had no objections, or any possible results were not worth the trouble. Though sometimes agreeing with Asuka didn't save him from a bout of her anger. How? Why? It didn't make any sense to him. Sometimes there was no winning with her.
But in later days she showed little interest in what happened around her. Shinji was confused at first. It took time before the full meaning and weight of it dawned on him. Asuka left all decisions to him. There was no point asking her. Shinji lost count how many times he heard the dejected "Whatever."
It was one of such moments again. Where should they go? He had no idea how to solve this question. How did Asuka do it? She didn't tell him. Though why would she? He never asked her.
"Asuka." It looked like she didn't hear him as she kept looking at the river. Or did she, but decided to ignore him? Shinji finally decided to call her again. "Asuka!"
She slowly turned to him.
"Why did we keep walking along the coastline all this time?" Shinji tried to figure out what could be the reason behind it. There must have been some benefits, but he wasn't clever enough to understand.
Some time ago she'd have had a smug smile and made a long speech about how stupid he was to not be able to figure it out himself. Now she looked at him with a blank expression.
"There are mountains in every other direction. Walking uphill is annoying."
"Oh."
He had no reason to change this practice. So they crossed the bridge.
Two days passed after the bridge. Two days ago was the last time they had a source of drinkable water. There was a supply for a few days - a bunch of bottles in the bundles tied to the bicycle. It wasn't the first time they had to rely on their supply – they didn't have a map with all the water sources. But never before had they had such bad luck. Most of the bottles were empty now.
The anxiety was eating Shinji alive. Maybe there was a stream ahead. But what if not? They could return to their campsite before the bridge, but it had to be done now. If they went even further and used the remaining supply it would force them to make a three-day journey back without any water. He wasn't sure they could make it.
Yet even though Shinji understood the severity of the issue, his mind was paralyzed with indecision. He chose that road. That mistake was his responsibility. The thought of telling Asuka that they walked this far for nothing made him nauseous. So he kept walking forward, his anxiety rising even further with each step.
Asuka clearly knew about the issue, but didn't say anything. She acted like it didn't concern her, leaving the burden of choice to him.
Would there be a point where the fear made him turn back before it was too late? He didn't have a chance to find it out. A radio tower appeared in the distance before it happened. It could give him an answer to what he should do.
It sounded trivial – just climb up top and take a good look around. But looking at it up close Shinji found out that it was easier said than done. Huge steel construction towered over him. The upper third was mangled, but even in such a state it was terrifyingly tall. He hesitated.
Asuka looked at the tower with a blank expression. Then she started climbing.
What? No! He didn't plan it like that! It was dangerous! The plan was he would check it alone!
He watched in panic as Asuka went higher and higher.
Why did she do it? Did she consider him a coward unable to do it? Shinji didn't have time to think about it. The idea of Asuka alone at such height made him nauseous. He put a foot on the ladder.
In his frantic ascend Shinji didn't notice how the first section of the ladder ended. The height of the first platform made him uncomfortable already, but it wasn't as bad as he imagined. The view from Misato's apartment was higher. Maybe it wasn't that bad and he was scared for nothing? He switched to another ladder and continued ascending.
There Shinji met the first troubles. The metal construction didn't feel as sturdy as it looked from the ground. Whole tower swayed slightly in the wind. The movement was miniscule, but he could feel it. It made him clench the steps harder. His progress was slow, but Shinji kept going.
When he reached the second platform it felt like a small triumph. His muscles were tired. But he did it! He dared to look down. It was a mistake. It took a few minutes before the nausea passed. He didn't feel as excited now.
Yet where was Asuka? Shinji had another short moment of panic before he thought of looking up. There was a third platform high above. A lone figure stood there.
Shinji allowed himself another minute to rest. He had got so far already, he could do it, right? Oh how wrong he was.
The wind got stronger. The tower became thinner and felt very feeble. The signs of damage here and there didn't help. There was a ladder cage behind his back, but it didn't make him feel safer. Shinji didn't need to look down to feel the height. It made his arms and legs stiff. He couldn't look at anything but at the next ladder step. His hands and legs didn't want to part with the ladder, not even for a second. He had to move them with all his will, one at a time. Take a breath. Move one hand. A leg. Another leg. Then the second hand. Breath out. Repeat.
Shinji crawled onto the platform on all fours and latched onto one of the beams as soon as he got close enough. Using it he managed to stand up. He looked around, making sure to not lower his gaze too much. It was fine when he looked at things at some distance.
In the direction they came from lay a vast industrial area. Concrete behemoths banded with all kinds of metal constructions sprawled over the land, not stopping at the coastline, crawling into the depths of the ocean. Factories looked imposing when they passed them, but from the height he could see their true size.
In the distance he saw the pools they passed earlier. At last they found water, he thought at first. But their surface was covered with oily spots shimmering in the sunlight with all colors of rainbow. It didn't look safe to drink. At a few places Shinji felt he heard barely audible sound of water bubbling under his feet. But if it was there, it was inaccessible, completely enclosed in the concrete.
Yet from his point he could see only the path they covered already. The tower blocked the view of the landscape ahead. He needed to move to the other side of the platform. Right where Asuka stood.
Wind played with her hair. Sun shining through the clouds illuminated it in colors of gold, fire and honey. She stood only a dozen steps away from him, but it felt like an insurmountable distance.
Something in Shinji's mind screamed in agony at how casual she stood, holding the railings with only one hand. The urge to grab her and drag into safety almost made his muscles cramp. But just the thought of coming so close to the outer railing made his knees give out.
Asuka looked at him. What did the expression on her face mean? Was it a surprise? Annoyance? Pity? Disgust? He struggled to understand her even when she expressed her thoughts loudly. With her being so reserved and quiet he was completely lost.
Shinji didn't get an answer as Asuka turned back to studying the landscape without saying a word. He must have looked pitiful.
He forced his legs to move at last. He had to get closer to her just in case.
There were only a few more steps left when a sudden gust of wind threw Shinji off balance. His leg tripped and he found himself falling back. The railing was wrested out of his left hand. His right flew into the air but found nothing. The time seemed to stop. The heart was beating madly in his chest. Was it the end? Such a stupid way to die. He hoped at least it would not be painful.
Then something caught his right hand, yanking his body and softening the impact which followed a moment later. The grate floor of the platform pressed into his back. The back of his head ached. He got a few bruises. But it felt good to be still alive. The sky never looked as beautiful to him.
After a few moments to calm down Shinji raised head. He lied right in the middle of the platform. So there was no danger of falling off? He felt stupid for panicking so much. Then he noticed that he held tight whatever caught his fall. It felt warm to touch. Eh, what?
His eyes widened with horror as he saw Asuka's arm in his grip. He quickly let it go and jerked his hand away before she got mad that he touched her.
"I'm sorry!"
Asuka stared at him with the same unreadable expression. He'd prefer if she showed anger, disgust, or said something. Anything. But she didn't. She didn't question his courage. She knew he had none.
Climbing the tower was a big mistake. The idea that he could keep her safe was pathetic. What a great savior who needed help himself just to keep standing. All he wanted now was to crawl away from Asuka's eyes.
He wasn't allowed to do it. A hand caught Shinji's arm and pulled him up. It was insistent but not harsh. Asuka supported him until he stood on his own.
But as soon as she moved her hand away Shinji found his whole body trembling again. His both hands desperately clutched the railings, but it didn't help him feel safe. Constant fight with fear left him completely exhausted.
Asuka grasped his forearm again.
Her touch was calming. Slowly Shinji found himself being able to think again. Was she really okay with it? He hated that he made her do it. But he was in no condition to reject her help. Somehow her soft and delicate hand was more reassuring than hard and rugged metal.
If only he was stronger. She wouldn't need to support him. Even if he needed her hand for a moment, he would be able to thank her gallantly and confidently stand up on his own. He was nothing like that. Of all of this he could barely do a single thing.
"Thank you," he said while hiding his eyes.
Still hearing no response, Shinji allowed himself to look at Asuka. He hoped he didn't offend her any further.
Asuka looked at him intently.
She didn't let go of his arm during the entire time they were at the top. He had a lot on his mind as they descended.
Shinji was relieved to feel the firm ground under his feet again. The ordeal was over.
Yet another issue waited to be solved. He didn't see any streams ahead. There were only more factories, railroads and a huge sea port in the distance.
"Should we turn back?" he asked, trying to hide anxiety.
Asuka just nodded. She didn't bring up who led them there.
Shinji didn't remember much from the next two days.
Thirst. No escape from it. A gulp of water brings relief for a moment, but it returns even stronger soon. A relief when the sun hides behind the clouds. Thankfully the wind is cool. No water to cook the dinner. Few leftover snacks. They are not filling. He tries to give more to Asuka, she demands him to eat them himself. Restless sleep with mostly empty stomach. Waking up. No water to brush teeth or any other parts of the morning routine. On the road again soon. Hours baked into an endless nightmare. Last bottle is empty, but pushing the bicycle doesn't feel easier. Finally, the bridge. Elation. It will be over soon. Tries water from the river under the bridge. No. Too close to the ocean, too salty. Have to wait a bit more. More walking. The familiar stream. Gives first cup to Asuka. A gulp of fresh water reaches his dry lips. Time starts moving normally again.
They took their time at the stream, dipping the cups into it many times. Then just lying near it. Only after a while Shinji remembered they hadn't eaten for a whole day and he should have started cooking something.
That night Shinji dropped into bed completely exhausted and fell asleep quickly.
He woke up dazed. The memories of yesterday were hazy. Was it only a dream and a horrible day was still ahead of him? Panic gripped him. He looked around quickly. No, he remembered that place. He breathed out in relief.
The sun was high already. Shinji had to get up and start making breakfast to not make Asuka wait.
He was lost in thoughts as they ate. Asuka noticed it.
"What are you thinking about?"
It caught Shinji off guard. Her voice was still bleak, but her starting a talk was a hopeful development.
"Just trying to think what to do next."
"There was another road. No?"
"Yes, of course. I mean before that. There are a lot of things to do first." A quick sniff of his shirt earlier verified his worst assumptions. Shinji hoped he didn't smell too bad to spoil Asuka's meal. "I will heat the water for bathing later."
Asuka nodded.
For the rest of the day Shinji had his hands full. They both needed a proper bath and it meant a lot of work to make it happen. He missed the times when hot water was produced on demand by just a turn of the tap. Then the clothes needed a wash. The food would not cook itself too. And it didn't count minor tasks he did while waiting for the next pot of water to heat up, like sewing a button or mending a tear on the shirt.
Shinji didn't notice how evening came. He finally could rest when dinner was served. Just sitting without a worry about anything felt great. Shinji had finished eating already, an empty bowl stood near his knee. The dishes could wait a little. No thoughts interrupted his rest. It was a rare moment when his mind was too tired to worry about anything and he could enjoy the moment. Having a full belly and plenty of water to drink felt good. Cool evening air moved by the gentle wind felt pleasant on his skin, still hot from the work. The sun didn't set fully yet, but the first few stars had already appeared in the sky.
Asuka stood up and came closer to him with an empty bowl in her hands.
"Just leave it, I will wash the dishes in a minute." He didn't really need to say anything. It was their usual routine.
Yet Asuka kept looking strangely at him. Was something wrong?
Then she lent and picked up his bowl. A cooking pot was added to the stack she carried a second later.
"You don't need to—" Shinji said as Asuka started walking.
"I can do it too." The quiet determination in her eyes shut him down. She turned away before he could find any words and went to the stream with their dinnerware.
Asuka returned soon, and put everything on a cloth to dry out. She didn't look angry, but he could never be sure. Shinji suppressed an urge to apologize. He felt guilty. Asuka wouldn't be washing the dishes If he got to it quicker.
"Thank you," he said instead. It came out so quiet Shinji wasn't sure if Asuka heard him. Now he was stuck with a dilemma if he should repeat it louder. What an embarrassment.
Asuka turned to him. It seemed she heard him after all. But why was she looking at him so intently?
"Ah, sure." She quickly broke eye contact.
The exchange happened very quickly, yet it left Shinji confused for a while. Did he upset Asuka? What did her stare mean? He wasn't sure, but she didn't look past or through him. It was a good change. She felt present in the moment.
While Shinji was lost in thoughts his gaze wandered idly. He didn't notice how it came to the bowls Asuka washed and focused on a small dot on one of them. Just a peck of rice stuck to the side. Quick rub of his finger removed it. He wiped the bowl with the cloth to finish the job, turned it around to check if anything else was left. Then Shinji absentmindedly put the bowl back where it was and picked another one for inspection.
Then suddenly he noticed Asuka watching him. Her face didn't show much, but tightened lips told Shinji everything he needed to know.
"I just—"
Asuka stormed off before he could finish.
She went to bed soon without giving Shinji an opportunity to apologize. He carefully observed Asuka in the morning. She didn't shout at him or show any other signs of anger, but she looked hurt.
Shinji tried to say he was sorry when he felt the moment was right, but it didn't help much. He thought he finally learned how to say it properly, but as he found out it was not a magic button to solve everything. There was no guarantee it would be accepted.
Yet Asuka defiantly snatched the dishes after their breakfast and made a point of scrubbing them squeaky clean.
Soon they were standing at the familiar crossroads before the bridge. This time Shinji turned to the road along the river.
So cold. Shinji shivered under the blanket.
He had no idea such a warm day could turn to a night so frigid. After hours of walking, the evening coolness felt pleasant. But he wasn't prepared for what followed. Why was it so cold? He tried to throw some clothes on top of the blanket and curl under the covers. It didn't help. Each gust of wind pierced all his covers and got to the skin.
Shinji got up slowly. His muscles were stiff. An attempt to pick up the blanket almost made him fall. He caught himself at the last moment.
Fortunately, the fire didn't die down completely. With a blanket over the shoulders and back to the win he crouched over it and added more wood. He was lucky. It would have been hard to rekindle the fire in such wind.
In the corner of his eye Shinji noticed Asuka joining him. She reached out to the fire. The skin on her face and hands was pale.
Both sat silently, eyes not moving away from the flames, soaking up the warmth. The cracking of fire and howling of the wind were the only sounds in the night.
Shinji dozed uneasily the whole night. The fire had to be fed regularly, and the warmth it gave was not enough to fall cozily into the dreams. It seemed all it did was only prevent limbs from going numb so the gusts of the cold wind felt worse.
The weather calmed down closer to the morning. First sun rays on the skin felt heavenly. Both tried to get at least some rest.
The sun got high. Shinji's body felt stiff and weak. Getting out of the blanket was the last thing he wanted, but he had to make breakfast. They both needed a hot meal. Unfortunately, cooking over the open fire wasn't as quick as turning the stove on and watching the water boiling five minutes later.
At last it was done. Shinji returned to his place around the fire pit. Asuka cradled the mug of hot tea with both hands. Disheveled red hair poked from under the blanket wrapped all over her.
"It can't continue like this. We can't keep sleeping in the open," she broke the silence.
"Do you think it will get worse?"
Asuka took a slow sip.
"Don't be an idiot. Have you forgotten all the lessons about life before the second impact?"
Shinji looked at his tea, but it was too hot for him to drink yet. He was fine with just keeping the warm mug in his hands.
"I hardly listened to any of it." Asuka sent him an expressive glare. "Okay, I remember some. It is the winter the teacher was talking about?"
"I don't think so. Not yet. Winter will be worse. A lot worse." The tone of her words scared him. "It is coming. We need a shelter."
Shinji didn't doubt the truth of her words. But where would they find one?
Weeks later.
A bead of sweat ran over Shinji's forehead. He wiped it with a hand and raised the ax again. Short rest was over. He made another strike.
The ax was heavy. Calluses on his hands made it a bit less painful to swing, but he still got occasional blisters. It was not the first day he was using it, but he still had no idea if he was doing it the right way. Each time he approached the tool with fear. Shinji read parts from the first aid guide about treating cuts. The images made him nauseous.
Asuka asked once half-jokingly if he wished her to do it. He declined the offer. He had some pride even if it was a meager one. Though, not allowing Asuka to put herself in danger probably was a more significant her, she might have tried some flashy moves, or got bored and started rushing things. No. It was better for the ax to be in his hands.
Shinji spent another half an hour or so before the work was finished. A large wooden beam was freed from other parts of the ruined building. Shinji let himself get a bit more rest before he pulled out a cloth, wrapped it around the wood close to one end and tried to pick it up. Handling wood with bare hands was a certain recipe to get splints. Having no gloves, he had to improvise. The beam was heavy. It would have been wise to ask Asuka for help. Previous pieces of such size they carried together. But Shinji was stubbornly determined to deal with this one on his own. It wasn't that Asuka was away and he didn't want to wait until she returned. The idea that Asuka somehow might be impressed by it was stupid, but he couldn't get rid of it.
After a few attempts Shinji managed to lift one end of the beam and place it on his shoulder. He took a few steps and smiled with satisfaction. Yes, he could drag it on his own. Ah, he left the ax. After a second spent considering his options, Shinji decided it was fine. He would return for it later. Not like there was anyone around who could steal it.
Shinji walked past village buildings. He looked for a while before he found a place where he could get a piece of wood of the right size, in a good condition and without a need to dig it up from debris for days.
Shinji put the beam down to have a short rest. As he was catching his breath he found himself standing at a familiar scene. He recognized that place. A fire pit, footpath leading to the river, few leftovers of a small hut now gone. It was their first camp site in the village and a first attempt at building a shelter. He had no tools yet, it turned out not good, just a bunch of boards piled onto a shaky frame. He took most of them to use for their new dwelling.
Shinji reached that dwelling in about half an hour. The beam dropped on the ground with a loud thud. He stood in front of a small and crude dugout. It was a result of many trials and errors. Not once did Shinji have to redo parts which didn't work out and try to invent a better way to do them. The roof was covered with a variety of sheets that proved to be waterproof enough. On the front a canvas sheet served for the door.
He looked at the sky. Heavy gray clouds drifted over his head. There was no rain yet, but it could start at any moment. He hoped Asuka would return before it.
Shinji judged he should have enough time to bring back the ax. It would not be good for it to leave it in the open for a night. He took a small bag and pliers. It was also a good opportunity to get some nails. He used most of the stock lately.
When he returned the clouds got darker, and first drops of rain were falling. Shinji went inside the dugout. He put the axe and a handful of nails of different sizes into a box with other tools. It stood further away from the entrance to keep it dry. It was a recent addition to their inventory. Neither he nor Asuka thought it was necessary to carry so much metal while they were on the road every day. It would have been too heavy. But the toolbox was indispensable now. It would have been impossible to build anything like what they made without it.
Then Shinji turned to the centerpiece of the room. Asuka found it. One day she returned to their camp and declared, "Pack up, we are moving!" He was terrified of some new danger, as Asuka didn't bother to explain anything. Fortunately, it didn't last long as the new place wasn't too far away. It was another house in the same village. Shinji was confused at first as he didn't see any reason to abandon the hut he had already made to start anew in a different place. What were the benefits? The river was further away, the lot had more debris to clear. But then Asuka showed it to him – an antique potbelly stove lying on its side.
Shinji started lighting it to cook the dinner. The thing was immensely heavy, so their new home was built around it. It required a lot of work, but the result was totally worth it. He got used to cooking on an open fire, but it was so much more convenient to do it on a stove. But the best part was the warmth it provided to the small room. Building anything of the size that might fit an open fire safely inside was way above their reach, and having the fire near the entrance was nothing like a well heated stove inside.
Except for the stove the small room contained a bed. Shinji would have made a separate one for himself, but there was absolutely no space for it. It was a very awkward situation and the main reason he was looking for the wooden beam that day – he needed another post to support the extended roof.
The fire in the stove was lit, a pot full of water was on the stove. Shinji was glad he replenished the water bottle earlier so that he didn't need to get in the rain now. He walked to the exit of the dugout and looked outside. He hoped to see the familiar red hair in the distance, but the road was empty.
Asuka took the bicycle in the morning and went for a supply run into a bigger city nearby. It wasn't the first time she left him working on something at home and left for errands. He didn't like it when she went alone, but what could he say?
Shinji wasn't sure it was necessary to bring even more stuff. They had many bags of rice, noodles, cans of all kinds and other things stacked in the hut. The small room was cluttered with piles and piles of supplies. There was not enough space for everything, so the items with intact packaging were stored outside under a primitive shed.
Yet Asuka was restless to bring more. Last days she was always busy, finding another task for herself as soon as the previous one was done. Shinji proposed to her to take some rest, but she was having none of it.
Asuka usually returned by that time. What took her so long? Shinji was worried about her. He tried to calm himself down. There was no need to panic, it wouldn't help anything and only annoy Asuka when she would return. She had a jacket with her, it should have been enough to stand against the weather.
The dinner was ready a long time ago.
He looked outside again. The rain didn't stop and only grew stronger.
Shinji checked the stove and put another log in, then brought a bunch of firewood from the outside so it would dry up near the stove.
The tea he made for Asuka ran out. Shinji poured water into the kettle and put it onto the stove top again.
He checked the road again. It was dark already and he couldn't see far.
The time passed painfully slowly.
Shinji couldn't find a place for himself. He would have been pacing back and forth, but there was no space for it in the hut. He sat rocking on the bed instead.
He looked out at the road again and again and again, hoping a figure with red hair would suddenly appear and make all his fears pointless. It didn't happen.
He had an awful feeling that something went wrong.
Asuka was at the school. The blinding light from the windows didn't let her see anything outside. Her uniform was harsh to the touch and smelled of detergent. The building was full of noise the kids make when let loose for a long break. Yet she didn't see anyone.
The planning didn't make any sense. Halls, stairs and classrooms passed by her without any order. She had no idea what would be behind the next door.
She grabbed another door handle and pulled.
It opened to a corridor full of students. Finally she found someone. It started to become unnerving.
Suddenly all the noise stopped. All eyes were on her.
A push from behind forced Asuka forward. The door slammed closed behind her. Sound of her step landed in the dead silence.
She was exposed and had nowhere to hide. She moved a hand behind and tried to open the door, but it was gone. Her back was put to a solid wall. There was only one way out.
Asuka took a step forward. A wave of movement surged through the crowd. People silently hurried to get into the classrooms, disappearing before she could reach them, shutting the doors.
Asuka looked behind at the classrooms she passed. Many eyes kept staring at her through the glass, hiding when she looked back. Why did they keep looking?
"Just leave me alone!" Her scream didn't make any sound.
She increased pace.
Doors started closing more often. The corridor didn't seem to end.
She ran.
Her leg caught something, throwing her into the ground. She closed eyes, awaiting the impact.
It didn't come.
Instead the blinding light assaulted her eyes, making her cover them with her hand. When she accommodated to the light Asuka found herself on the streets of Tokyo-3. The glass of the windows shone bright in the morning sun. The buildings looked pristinely clean. Yet there was no one on the street except her. The city was eerily quiet. She heard no people talking, nor any car noises. Not even the omnipresent sound of cicadas was present. The city didn't look abandoned - not a speck of dust or rust could be found.
Asuka was completely lost. She had no idea where she was going. She couldn't say for how long she kept wandering aimlessly.
The city trembled. What was that? Nothing happened at first. Then she noticed that buildings in the distance started disappearing. One by one they were moving down. Soon the ones near her were crawling underground too.
Was it another Angel attack? But she didn't hear the bellow of the sirens and her phone was silent. Why did no one call to bring her to NERV?
Her thoughts came to a halt as the ground shook one more time. A steel maw opened in the center of the street a few city blocks ahead. Giant shadow covered Asuka.
What? Why was Unit-01 deployed already?
Eva made a step and the ground shook again.
Who was it fighting against?
Eyes of the Evangelion approaching her started to glow. It made another step.
Asuka looked around, but saw no angel. She felt another shake.
The metal boot landed so close, her hair was blown back with wind rushing from it.
Why was it looking at her?
The giant kneeled. Its unblinking eyes pinned her in place.
A hand reached down. She felt it closing around her neck.
Asuka woke up.
She would have jumped up if her muscles didn't feel like a truck ran over them.
The last moments of the nightmare stayed fresh in her memory. There was something before it, but fortunately nothing was left from it except a sticky sense of dread.
Her mind slowly returned from the dreamland. Where was she?
She heard the sound of raindrops hitting the roof. It smelled of wet earth, burnt wood and sweat that came from clothes and bed which couldn't be washed properly. Asuka opened eyes and glanced around. Earthen walls, changing into a rough wooden roof. A familiar blanket on top of her. Yes, she was back in the hut.
How did she get there? It took great effort to slowly get back some memories about yesterday.
Bitter tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. She failed. Trying to impress the idiot she got careless and greedy, wasted a whole day and lost their only cargo vehicle.
In the past it would have made her rage in frustration and humiliation for days. She didn't have energy for it now. And what was the point? Like screaming curses and breaking things would change anything.
She had less illusions now. She wasn't special. She wasn't an infallible genius.
It didn't mean she was okay with it. It really sucked when she was reminded about it. But she had to stop making a fuss when it happened. Maybe it would make her a bit less awful to be around.
There was even some progress in that direction. Though, she couldn't say if there was anything to praise herself for. She was always tired, there was just too little strength left to waste on silly tantrums.
What an awful dream. Though, it was to be expected. She rarely had more than three quiet nights in a row. She knew it was coming.
That nightmare was a new one. She feared it would be a different dream, which didn't occur for a while. That one made Shinji know about her attempt to run away when her sync rate dropped to zero. So when he led her to a bathtub in a broken house, it was a deliberate reminder for her to not forget who she was. Each time that nightmare came she woke up in sweat and tears and had to remind herself, "It wasn't him. Shinji couldn't be so cruel. It wasn't him. It wasn't him." It was one of the worst, second only to ones about her mother.
Every time it happened, it sapped her strength dry. So she didn't try to save any. Also she slept better when she was close to dropping from exhaustion. Can't have a nightmare if you are too tired to dream.
Asuka heard Shinji mumbling something incoherent and tossing in his sleep behind her. Seemed like he had a bad dream too.
Shinji. She tried to not think too much about him. Nothing good came out of it anyway. So many times she imagined things which didn't exist. Sometimes she felt she was someone special to him. But was it really him caring about her, or did he want to play the hero so badly? Even if he did care, could it be something special? Shinji was kind. All the things that made her heart skip a beat he could have done for anyone.
She had a habit of calling him an idiot, but it wasn't clear now who of the two was the bigger fool. Every time she made an attempt to sort out this mess it became only worse. Perhaps it was for the better to leave it as is. She should be grateful his kindness extended even to her.
Yet, she failed at it too. Such a stupid selfish girl.
Asuk felt a tear in the corner of her eye.
Shinji's voice interrupted her thoughts. His mumbling was unclear at first, but soon she could make out a few words.
"Where… Where are you?"
He repeated it a few more times with desperation rising in his voice.
Then suddenly a hand moved under the blanket and over her waist. It dropped down, the palm landed on her stomach. Shinji froze for a moment, then relaxed. The hand stayed on her waist.
Asuka froze. A storm was raging in her mind. What? How? Did he really dare to get under her blanket? The idiot always slept under his own, on the very edge of the bed. What did it mean? What should she do about it?
The hug strengthened, pulling her even closer and purging all thought from her mind. The warmth was washing all over her body, his breath gently tickled her nape.
Her heart beat madly.
It was overwhelming and at the same time painfully insufficient for her. Heavenly bliss and pure torture. Asuka desperately wanted to grab Shinji's hand and pull him even closer, or back down herself, until the skin on her back touched him. But she didn't dare. Even what she had now was pushing her luck too much.
Who knew whom Shinji saw and hugged in his dream? She felt guilty for taking advantage of it.
"Asu—"
What? What did he say? She didn't dare to believe it. No. She had rushed with conclusions too many times already. She needed to hear it again! Asuka held her breath and waited.
At that moment Shinji woke up.
His body tensed. Very slowly his hand moved away from her. Places where it touched her felt cold now. Shinji slipped away and carefully tucked the blanket around her back.
Asuka wanted to scream in frustration, but she didn't allow herself to be swayed by her raging emotions. She turned around, pretending she was still asleep. Very slowly she opened her eyes just enough to be able to peek at Shinji.
He sat in a corner as far as possible from her. It was dark in the room, but her eyes were used to it. She could see his hunched silhouette. He looked at her a few times, but apparently her acting was convincing enough.
Shinji shivered. It brought his attention to the potbelly stove. His face got lit by the dying embers when he kneeled down and opened the stove door. Few wooden planks went in. Shinji's hand groped for more between the legs of the stove, but there were none left. Most of the firewood was stored outside in a low shed hastily and roughly built a few days ago. Shinji moved aside a rough canvas serving them for the door and looked outside.
A bunch of clothes hung above the stove. After a brief inspection, Shinji picked a shirt. He shivered after putting it on, then slipped feet into sneakers and walked outside. He returned soon with a stack of wood that went into the floor around the stove. It needed to dry out before it could be used. Shinji took off the shirt, hung it back where it was, sat on the corner of the bed and hunched over the stove.
Shinji seemed to not have any plans to do anything else. Asuka didn't get anything useful out of her observations. What did she really expect? Shinji getting into a monologue about his true feelings? Kissing her as he believed she was still asleep? Truly a genius plan.
There was no point in pretending to be asleep anymore. It took her significant effort to sit up on a bed. Why did she feel so weak?
A board squeaked underneath her. Shinji quickly turned around. Their eyes met. He looked at her with worry and anxiety. Asuka had many questions, but asking any of them directly was unthinkable. So she let him talk first.
"Are you feeling okay?" Shinji finally managed to say.
"I'm fine."
"Are you hungry?" Asuka nodded. Then she noticed the extent to how hungry she was. She felt like that when she ran away from NERV, before the feeling of hunger went away. Fortunately, it looked like Shinji had something already done, as he picked up a pot smelling like rice. "I will heat it up quickly."
She refrained from demanding for it to be given to her right now. The fire was going already. It wouldn't take much time. Yet, it still felt like eternity. When she finally got her meal she dug in with a zeal that left Shinji sitting with an open jaw.
"What?" she grunted, then turned back to the food without waiting for an answer.
"Eh, nothing." If he had any comments, Shinji didn't dare to say them.
Asuka felt better with a full belly.
Asuka felt better with a full belly. Yet she still didn't have even a single idea how to approach Shinji. Awkward silence hung between them. Thinking harder didn't work. She felt stupid, which irritated her. Shinji having nothing to occupy himself with and so trying to act like the stove was the most interesting thing around only added more fuel to it. His disinterest was insulting.
Her train of thoughts broke as he looked at her. For a short moment Asuka thought he was going to say or do something, but Shinji quickly dropped his gaze down the instant their eyes met. Then it happened again a minute later. And again. She couldn't think like that!
Next time their eyes met she pinned him with a question.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
Asuka thought Shinji paled, but she couldn't be sure in the dim light.
"I'm just glad you're okay, Asuka." Who the hell was okay? Yet, Shinji didn't give her time to put in even a single word. "What took you so long to get back? Did something happen?"
"The stupid bicycle got stuck." Shinji's intent stare told her he was waiting for more details. "The rain turned the road into a quagmire. Then the damned thing slipped and fell into the ditch and didn't want to get out."
She didn't like the way he looked at her with disbelief. He didn't say, "That was it? You were delayed for so long because you couldn't get hold of a bicycle?", but she could read it on his face. Yes, that was all! She tried to get it out many times in many different ways. All to no avail. Only got mud all over herself and soaked the clothes.
"Asuka–" Whatever Shinji had in mind, he didn't say it after she glared at him. The patronizing tone irked her badly.
"What?" she retorted. "Do you have any comments about my performance? I will get it back today."
"It is still raining."
"So what? I can handle it."
"No!" Shinji got agitated. "You need to rest and wait out the weather. You can't go out in the rain again!"
Oh. Now she was properly mad.
"Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do? Why do you even care?"
"You could die yesterday!"
"So what?"
He gasped.
"What do you mean so what? Don't joke like that!"
It would have been amusing how Shinji suddenly started giving her orders if it wasn't so irritating. The idiot overstepped all lines. It was time to put him in his place. She rose up and leaned forward.
"Hey you, listen here–"
"It is not something you should joke about!" Shinji screamed into her face. He didn't back down, not even flinched. What the hell was going on? Intimidation always worked on him!
Wrong. Not always. A warning of danger blinked in her mind. She dismissed it and kept going.
"What? Can't stomach a bit of dark humor, huh? Too bad! We can die any day and there is nothing you can do about it!"
"Yes there is!" he roared. "There is no excuse for putting yourself in unnecessary danger! You won't go into the rain again!"
Shinji loomed over her. Asuka felt her hair standing up. Like a kitten puffing out its fur she tried to look undisturbed, but what she saw in Shinji's eyes frightened her. It were the eyes of an animal turned mad by pain. What got into him?
"Yeah? And how would you stop me?"
She regretted it as soon as the words left her mouth, but couldn't help it. Why did she need to escalate it?
He jerked forward, which made Asuka instinctively raise her hands to protect herself. Shinji froze. He blinked a few times in bewilderment.
Then he collapsed in tears.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Asuka."
Her heart still kept beating madly. Sticky fear didn't leave her mind quickly. Asuka tried to calm down while Shinji sat shaken by sobs, hiding his face in his hands.
Silence lasted for a long time. Both avoided looking at each other. Asuka broke it at last.
"What the hell was that?"
"I'm sorry," Shinji said. "I didn't want it to be like that."
Should she push him further? Maybe. She felt she could scold him for raising voice on her. It would have been appropriate. But she didn't have the energy for it.
"I bet you didn't."
Also it was so unusual for Shinji to be so worked out, there must have been something behind it. How could she get it out?
"Jeez, what got into you?" To hell with all the schemes. Plain old frontal assault often worked best for her. Shinji didn't answer, but she continued. Talking it out also helped to get some stress out of the system. "What's your deal? Worked up so much about some rain. Too much laundry or what? Just let it dry then, no need to beat all the dirt out of it as you usually do."
Shinji finally raised his head. He looked at her strangely.
"You don't remember?"
"I don't remember what?"
"How you were when you returned yesterday."
"What do you mean? I was fine! Or is it about the mud? I knew! It is about the laundry after all!"
Yet behind the mask of bravado a seed of doubt started growing. It brought back more memories about the previous day.
The sun started to set down when she left the city. The bags on the bicycle were stuffed to the brims. She knew she was late, but she didn't want to stop before there was literally no space left. She has excuses about efficiency and all. But in truth she needed to impress the idiot, didn't she?
She didn't pay attention to the dribbling rain at first – it went for hours already and the jacket did a good job at keeping it away – but it intensified when the darkness came.
Her hands exposed to the rain and wind got numb. Perhaps it was why she lost control of the bicycle on the next rough patch of the road. The front wheel slipped in the wet mud. With all the weight she put onto it she couldn't keep the damned thing from falling into the ditch.
With many curses she came down to get the bicycle out. The graceful descent she planned went wrong with the very first step onto the muddy slope. She slides all the way down to the bottom. The mud was all over her. Her legs landed into icy water gathered at the bottom. Great. Just great!
She found out there was nothing she could do about the bicycle. She barely managed to get out herself by crawling on all fours. There was no way she would be able to do it with a heavy weight in her hands. She still tried to look around. Maybe there would be a rope or a log that could help her? But she had to accept that it was a futile effort.
It was still a long way to the hut. She had to get moving.
The jacket and all the clothes underneath it were soaked. The cold creeped in with every drop of rain, every gust of wind, crawled through the wet clothes unopposed, seeping into the body, stopping only when it reached the bones.
It irritated her how badly she was shivering. It was just some cold. She got through worse. She only needed to endure it for some time. She could do it.
After a while the shivering stopped. The cold didn't bother her so much anymore. She felt very calm now. Calm and very tired. Could she make a short stop to get some rest? No, she must keep going.
She didn't remember anything after it.
Asuka may have had too much on her mind yesterday to put into words what she felt. But she was taught about the symptoms.
"Severe hypothermia." She voiced it.
Shinji confirmed it with a nod.
"You were barely standing. Didn't react to words. Skin ice cold. Face lost all color." At the start he talked calmly. But each new sentence was spoken quicker and quicker. Like a floodgate was opened and Shinji finally let out something that was tormenting him. "When I turned away for a moment you sat down a few steps outside the hut and almost fell asleep out there in the rain."
Asuka felt ashamed. She shouldn't have allowed it to come to such a state.
Another question was what she should do about it. She tried to remember the training. Then she suddenly realized she felt more or less okay. Especially after she had her meal. But hypothermia is no joke, and judging by her memories and Shinji's words she had it bad.
She looked at Shinji.
Now he definitely paled.
"I— I just followed the guide."
Shinji turned around and searched for something. After a short delay he gave her the first aid guide. She had forgotten they found one. So Shinji kept it?
It was opened on the hypothermia page. Her eyes widened.
"Did you do the 'Sharing body heat' part?"
"I'm s–sorry. I feared you would die. I was so scared."
Asuka didn't answer. She desperately tried to keep herself from pummeling the idiot out of embarrassment. It would definitely not help her at all.
He probably saved her life. Again. But he did it in the most embarrassing way possible. She hated that she needed his help, but it pleased her that Shinji was worried about her. He cared! She was fairly confident in it now. It made her ecstatic. But in what way he cared? The uncertainty brought terror.
The deadly mix in her mind needed just a spark, ready to explode. Of course she would find one easily.
"What are you sorry about, third?" she said with rage boiling in her voice. "Did you hate it that much? Or do you wish you did… nothing?" she stumbled on a last word, frozen by fear.
"No!"
"So what the hell is this? What are you sorry about?"
"I'm sorry I made you upset and angry."
"What you do now pisses me off a lot more than the body heat exchange treatment! You shouldn't look so miserable after spending a night like that, you idiot!" It was all going to hell. In her agitated state she was going to say enough to regret for years to come, wasn't she?
Shinji looked dumbstruck.
"What do you mean, Asuka? I wouldn't take advantage of you."
"So why do you look like you did?"
"I didn't–" Asuka interrupted his frantic speech.
"I trust you you didn't! I don't question this! I don't get what you are so afraid of if you did nothing wrong!"
The panic in his eyes subsided, but he still breathed fast. His eyes darted left and right, looking for an escape, but she clearly showed that none would be tolerated.
"I was afraid–" Shinji finally buckled under the pressure and started talking.
"Of course you were! You are always afraid! Not a day passes without you overthinking something." It was counterproductive, but Asuka could help it. Shinji shrunk under her verbal assault. She needed to get him back on track. "So, what was it that time?"
"I feared you'd think I did something worse and hate me."
"You can just explain yourself then. Or did you lose your tongue?" As expected, he didn't answer quickly enough. "What's the problem? Did you lose it for real?"
"I thought you might get so mad that you'd not listen," he blurted.
Asuka's hand involuntarily clenched into a fist. She felt like she was accused that her synch rate had dropped.
"Do you really believe I would do it?"
She tried to keep emotions under control, but Shinji still felt something. He looked very uncomfortable.
"I– I don't know. Perhaps no."
Asuka looked directly into his eyes.
"Was there a time when you tried to tell me something and I didn't listen? Have I ever done it? Have I?"
Shinji shrunk under her gaze.
"No, you didn't," he didn't dare to evade the question.
"You don't say anything and then blame me for not listening! I'm sorry, I missed the mind reading classes, silly me! Right now you didn't even have the decency to say it directly, 'Yes, I do think you might do it!' What is this 'I don't know'? You know it well! It wouldn't have been bothering you if you thought differently!"
It felt good to let out everything on her mind. Especially as she knew the idiot completely deserved it. She let the words flow. It was one of a few ways that did help her relieve some stress.
Finally Asuka used up the anger inside her. Did the idiot get the message? She hoped so. Repeating everything again was not something she was looking for.
Yet it was worth it. Shinji worried she would refuse to talk. He was really anxious it might happen. And then he risked it because he felt her life was in danger. He cared. There was proof. He cared!
It made her heart flutter.
She wished to continue the talk. Maybe she could get even more from the idiot today. Yet he didn't pay her any attention. Shinji sat holed up in a corner, shoulders slouched. It annoyed her.
"Hey."
He didn't react.
"Can you stop already?" Asuka said with irritation in her voice.
He turned slightly to her. It looked like he tried to say something, but his mouth just opened and closed without making any sound. He ended up bursting into tears.
Shinji was a total wreck.
Did she do it? Did she get carried away? Put too much pressure on him?
Her anger didn't feel so righteous anymore. She hated the feeling of guilt creeping in. She didn't know what to do with Shinji. How should she approach him? She hated how he made her feel again like a greenhorn nervously gripping control yokes in the wait for the simulation to load. She knew it was not his fault, but it was hard to not blame the idiot. She hated herself for it.
Stupid. Stupid-stupid-stupid girl!
Asuka was close to exploding again, but she couldn't allow it. He would fear her even more now, wouldn't he? Was there even somewhere to go on his fear scale? He was terrified to speak to her already. Didn't she just confirm his expectations?
She was anxious to talk to Shinji. Anything she might say could blow up in her face and only make him even more miserable. If only she had brought the bicycle. She could have distracted Shinji with the findings. Or maybe she could give him one can of those she planned to reserve for herself. Could some canned fruits cheer him up? No, what a stupid idea.
There were no ideas left. In frustration Asuka felt an urge to hit the idiot, punch out whatever nonsense sat in his head. She caught herself at the very last moment. Her face was burning from shame. What was she thinking? Fortunately, as Shinji faced away from her, he didn't notice the hand stopping an inch from his head.
Asuka could almost feel the hair under her fingers. Single hairs tingled her skin. An unexpected question occupied her mind. What was it like to the touch? Was it soft?
She slowly lowered her hand, ready to yank it away at any moment. She gently took a lock of hair between her fingers. It was soft indeed. But to her surprise it wasn't as supple as she expected. The lock stubbornly tried to return to its initial place and form.
Asuka played with the lock a little. Then suddenly it came to her attention how quiet Shinji was. His posture became rigid. She froze too.
Shinji didn't say anything, didn't move away. She couldn't tell if he didn't mind it, or he was too shocked to react. Then she felt him slightly leaning into her hand. Shinji didn't dare to go full distance. Judging by how he gasped and tried to correct himself it wasn't a conscious act. She didn't let the idiot do anything stupid again.
Slowly Asuka ran her hand through his hair, roughing it up a bit, gently caressing his head. Shinji didn't flinch away. She repeated it again, emboldened.
Asuka wasn't sure how long it lasted. Shinji stopped sobbing, his breathing calmed down.
"I'm sorry. I'm so terrible at it. I can't say even the simplest things," he said.
"What are you so afraid of? I already know you are an idiot. Too late trying to hide it."
Shinji didn't reply. His posture was more relaxed now, but Shinji still looked anxious. What else could she do for him? How could she make him fear her less?
A thought came to her mind. Asuka licked her lips. She spoke slowly trying to hide how nervous she was.
"Hey. I know it can be not easy.
"But if you would ever have something to say.
"And will try doing it – an honest attempt, not some weak excuse."
She paused again before the hardest part.
"I will listen to you, no matter how angry I might be.
"I promise."
She said it. Would it do? Would he try more? Asuka waited anxiously.
Shinji slowly turned his head. Her hand was still in his hair. She suddenly became very conscious about it. Asuka quickly pulled the hand away.
He looked at her.
"Deal?" Asuka needed a clear answer.
Shinji nodded.
"I'm sorry. I will try to do better."
Argh, another apology. She decided to let it slide this time.
"Thank you," he added for some reason.
Ah, these words again. She liked hearing them. The appreciation in them was tiny in comparison to the one she used to expect from the world for being the best pilot and a savior of humanity. But it was genuine. She wanted to hear it more.
Shinji shivered. A quick touch confirmed her suspicion.
"Your hand is cold. For how long are you going to sit in a thin t-shirt?"
"Ah, yeah. I will find something."
Asuka's brows furrowed slightly.
"Are you going to go outside in the rain?"
"No."
"So, what's the point?" A decision was made quicker than the rational part of her mind could process it. She pushed forward with it before any objections could be formed. "Just get under the blanket."
It was a wild gamble. She had no idea how Shinji would react. Asuka was so nervous her stomach cramped.
He glanced at the bed.
"Okay. Could you give me my blanket back?"
Asuka then noticed she was covered with all the blankets they had.
"No," she said instantly. Her mind worked frantically to come up with an excuse. "It is warmer this way."
"But how–"
Asuka moved to the side, making room for him. Unable to endure his stare and dying from embarrassment Asuka turned her back to him.
"Get it!. What are you waiting for?"
Shinji looked at her with shock.
"Looks like the method is effective. It would be rational to keep using it in given circumstances." Asuka's cheeks were burning. Could the idiot move already?
"What are you looking at? Move already, Third!"
This finally worked. It seemed his own will melted away, as he followed her command while still having a bewildered look on his face.
It took Shinji an infuriatingly long time to lay down. He mirrored her so they lay back to back. To Asuka's disappointment the idiot kept a small distance between their backs. She could feel his skin with some sense that comes before touch.
Minutes passed. At last Asuka couldn't tolerate it anymore and closed the distance herself. Shinji twitched as if from an electric shock. She could hear him breathing rapidly.
"Why are you so nervous? Do you hate it?"
"N-no."
"Why are you trembling then?"
Shinji needed to calm his breaths before speaking.
"Are you really okay with it?"
"You would have known if I wasn't!" After a long pause she added, "You saved me again. I will allow it then. You may consider it your reward."
"I barely did anything."
"You did enough."
Minutes passed. Neither of the two disturbed the silence. It was a rare moment for Asuka that she didn't want to change anything. Shinji finally calmed down and relaxed. His legs didn't feel ice cold to the touch anymore, he must have been comfortable now.
No, perhaps describing the moment as one Asuka didn't want to touch was not very accurate. She had many ideas on how to make it any better. But she took enough risks today. She didn't want to ruin it by being greedy.
Asuka wished to have something in her hands. His hair or finger would do. But it would have been awkward to reach behind her back. And she never knew what might make Shinji freak out.
She kept her hands occupied with a fold of her t-shirt. Her thumb kept making circles over the same spot. It felt a bit strange. Why was it so rough to the touch? Did it get damaged because of the crude washing it had to endure?
Asuka looked down.
She stared for a while.
She didn't recognize that t-shirt. Nor the shorts.
"Why am I wearing this?" Asuka said with confusion.
She glanced over her shoulder at Shinji. Judging by his look he would have gotten a heart attack if he was any older.
"It– It was in the guide. To remove wet clothes. I didn't look, I promise!"
What. The. Hell.
She felt her face turning beet red.
In astonishment she didn't say anything, except one thing.
"Eeeeh?!"
Somehow Asuka didn't hit him.
They lay in the same way – back to back – as they were before. Unknown amount of time passed in very awkward silence.
Asuka hoped some time would help her to figure out what to do next. It didn't help at all.
Whenever she felt like she was close to calming down she imagined events from yesterday evening. She didn't doubt Shinji. But her mind put its own spin on them, added some variations which made her heart beat madly.
The damned thing. The first aid guide. She should have burned it! Though this thought competed with an idea of making a notch on the page with CPR instructions. Aaah, she was going mad!
Shinji was quieter than a dormice in the winter. She didn't know why, but it rubbed her the wrong way. What was she fuming about? Would she prefer him walking with a smug grin and when confronted respond with "Yes, it happened. I had to undress you. Did I enjoy it? I wasn't thinking about it at the time, but the memories are quite pleasant now. I'm sorry, I can't help it"? Where did the thought "Maybe?" came from?!
She needed to do something about it before she had gone mad. It was the idiot's fault, so he would help her!
"Hey!" she called him with a demand in her voice.
Shinji didn't say anything but she knew she had his attention by how his body moved.
"Turn around!"
"What?" he asked weakly.
"I said turn around!"
Shinji didn't dare to object. She felt him slowly turning behind her.
"Now give me your hand!"
He was scared. Asuka felt it. But she had no patience to do anything about it.
Shinji slowly stretched the hand out over her body.
Glancing over her shoulder Asuka saw him closing his eyes when she grabbed his hand. Idiot. Did he think she would bite it off or what?
"That would be your punishment, Third!" she said and pulled his hand, forcing him to get closer. Then she put the hand on her stomach, at the same place it was when he hugged her in his sleep.
If she was going to die of embarrassment she might make it worth it.
"Asuka?" she felt his heart was beating madly too.
"What? Do you have any objections?" she said with a threat in her voice.
"N-No."
"Good."
A.N. Thank you for reading this. I would appreciate hearing if you liked it, so leave reviews please.
P.S. By the way, I also made an animated art for this chapter - you may check it out at r/asushin reddit. If you are reading it long after this chapter was posted - try looking for posts from Akomis, I hope it will help.