Author's Note:

I've been trying to decide how I wanted to do this for a long time. I thought back to what I learned, how I learned it, and what was said; did some online research too, and spoke to a friend of mine, who works at a teen health centre. But here it is.

It is time for that super awkward parent-child conversation.

Reviews and Comments: To alix33: Thank you! I think French toast and bacon is a great meal as well! To geekymom: Thank you! To Guest: Thank you for saying I never disappoint you and that ASC is one of your top ten fanfics! Thanks for loving Zee and thinking the chapter was hot. I quite agree. To Guest: Thank you! Yes, Sirius and Zee were quite steamy, weren't they? Yes, they are officially dating now. Harry's first masturbation and yes, he saw a naked girl. He is being a regular teenager. Thank you!

Thank you very much for reading and please, please review!

Your reviews give me life! They give me inspiration! And they make me want to keep writing for more than just myself! Thank you!

CHAPTER NINETY:

The One With the Sex Talk

It was two days later when Sirius opened the hamper in Harry's bathroom to do laundry and found three pairs of wet pyjama bottoms in there. He frowned in confusion, wondering why they were soaked in water and he could see bits of hand soap rubbed into the crotch of them. Why would Harry be trying to wash his own clothes this way? He wondered on it for a moment and then he frowned.

Shit, he thought, filling up the basket with his son's dirty laundry. He knew exactly why.

He contemplated to himself how he was going to bring it up. It was a lot harder to broach than he had thought it would be. Sirius remembered how he had assumed having the talk with his son would be an absolute breeze, but now that the task was undoubtably before him, he wasn't so sure that it would be so easy.

He Flooed Remus after breakfast, smiling at his friend. "Hey, Rem, got a minute?"

Remus merely nodded, bringing his tea from the kitchen and into the living room to kneel before the fire where Sirius' head was dancing along the flames. "Of course, what's going on?"

Sirius explained what he had found that morning. "I think it's time to have the talk about… you know, sex and stuff."

Remus grinned. "Better you than me."

"Oh, come on, you're not going to come over and help?"

Remus chuckled. "What happened to not being able to wait to mortify him with details on everything from you and your immense knowledge as the god of sex?"

Sirius grinned. "Oh, I still plan to. Thea gave me some topics to start off with such as what his body is doing before I get into the sex stuff, but I just thought maybe you'd want to be there?"

Remus shook his head. "Not even a little bit."

"Remus," Sirius said with a laugh. "We should do this together, don't you think? You're just as much his parent as I am."

Remus sighed as the backs of his neck flushed red. "No, you're right. When do you need me to come over?"

They decided to just go for it after lunch. Remus came over to join them for lunch and listened as Harry filled him in on the Chamber of Secrets. They had finished eating and cleaning up the kitchen and Sirius smiled at Harry.

"Hey, Prongslet, there's um… there's something else that we need to talk about."

Harry's brow furrowed. "Something else?"

Sirius nodded, moving to sit at the kitchen table. "Yeah, have a seat."

Harry sat down across from his fathers, looking at them in bewilderment, his eyes moving from Sirius to Remus. "What do we have to talk about?"

Sirius let out a deep breath. "Well, I was going to sit you down this summer, but I just thought that maybe you weren't ready yet and maybe I should have spoken to you about it then, but… Harry, this might be an uncomfortable conversation for you, but there is nothing to be ashamed about, okay? Remember, we are always about honesty in this family."

Harry only looked at Sirius curiously. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Sirius grinned. "I want to talk to you about your body."

Harry blushed. "Er — my body?"

Remus smiled at him. "About the changes that your body is starting to go through and most importantly about sex."

Harry's cheeks flushed.

Sirius scratched his chin as he began. "You're growing up now, Harry. We talked about it a bit during the summer, about how you're getting taller now and that means that your body is changing too. I measured you the other day and you've grown another five centimetres since the beginning of last summer. You have already started to go through what's called puberty. Everyone goes through it, boys and girls, it's completely normal. You start to grow hair in places where you didn't have any before," Sirius said. "Maybe under your arms and around your navel and probably down above your bollocks, yeah?"

Harry nodded, his eyes downcast.

Sirius smiled. "There's no need to be embarrassed, Harry, it's normal. Everyone goes through it."

Remus smiled at him. "I have hair all over my chest, Sirius doesn't; some men get it and some men don't. Some men even get it on their backs."

Harry looked slightly horrified by this.

Remus chuckled. "James didn't have much chest hair and nothing on his back so, I think you'll be fine, Harry, don't look so panicked."

Sirius nodded. "As you get older, you'll start growing hair on your face too and your neck and you'll have to start shaving, but that usually doesn't come for another year or two, at least, and sometimes not even until you're much older. It's not just hair growth though. Your muscles are getting stronger as you grow and you might feel some pain in your limbs as your body stretches to adjust to these new changes."

Harry swallowed, the back of his neck still red as Sirius continued on.

"Now, with boys there's a few other things that start to happen. You will also start to notice that your penis has gotten longer and that your testicles have gotten bigger. They are forming to make you a man and with this change in your bollocks, this also means that testosterone is being produced in your body at a larger rate. This produces something called wet dreams. It used to happen to me all of the time and I was always so embarrassed at first, until I got the talk, and I found out that it was perfectly normal. I used to have a lot of wet dreams."

"What's — what's a wet dream?" Harry asked, carefully.

Sirius smiled and looked at his son rather sympathetically. "Well, your body is starting to become that of a man, which means that your body is producing more testosterone, a major male hormone. Do you remember when we talked about the differences between men and women? How men have more testosterone and women have more estrogen and the whole chromosomes thing and what it means in terms of having babies?"

Harry nodded. "Yes."

Remus picked up the conversation. "Well, when a boy starts to become a man, the testosterone really starts to build in his body and because it is a hormone, that also means that your sex drive is waking up, and sometimes it wakes up before you realize that it has woken up. This means that you might have wet dreams. Wet dreams are something that happen to you in your sleep when you're dreaming about a sexual image or something that attracts you and your penis rubs against the sheet or against your hand or against your bed in some way that pleases you and it brings you pleasure. It's called a wet dream because you don't even know it's happening, but you are stimulating your sex drive, and you ejaculate in your sleep. Sometimes, you'll wake up before you climax and you'll have an erection and sometimes it will happen while you sleep and you don't even know that it's happening until you wake up and find yourself covered in semen. This is perfectly normal so, don't be embarrassed by it."

Sirius walked over to the fridge and poured them each a soft fizzy drink before he sat back down. "So, what Uncle Remus is saying is that if you ever wake up and you have this sticky substance on your penis and on your pjs or in your bed, that's what happened, you've just had a wet dream."

"Oh," Harry said, taking a drink. "That's er… that's happened a few times."

Sirius smiled, sympathetically. "I get it, Prongslet, it used to happen to me, too, and to Uncle Remus. Don't worry, it doesn't last forever. Just clean yourself up and move on and don't worry about scrubbing your pyjamas clean, okay? The wash will get the semen out."

Harry nodded, his cheeks burning as he thought about his attempts at cleaning his pjs only that morning and realized that obviously Sirius had found them and knew what he had been attempting to do.

Sirius cleared his throat. "So, moving on from that, I want to talk to you about masturbation or more commonly called wanking."

Harry only stared at him, his face heating even more.

"Everybody does it. Boys, girls, men, and women, it's healthy and perfectly normal, I want you to understand that." He took a drink before he continued. "Uncle Rem and I both went through puberty, too, and let me tell you, there's nothing worse than waking up to or suddenly having an erection and not really knowing what to do about it. Your body is just adjusting and anything can set you off. Sometimes it's not even a sexual thing, but your body is just ready to go. Sometimes you just have to think hard about something that's not sexual in nature; your homework, Snape, or something equally as disgusting —" Harry smirked at that as Sirius continued. "— and your erection will go away. But sometimes it's a bit harder, no pun intended, and when that happens you might need to help it along by touching yourself."

Harry flushed a deeper red.

Sirius blushed a bit, too. "It's okay to touch yourself and it's healthy to do so. You should know how to give yourself pleasure. But it's the same thing as a wet dream, Harry, when you're done, clean yourself up and move on. There's no shame in having a good wank, in fact, I encourage it, but go somewhere private where you will not be disturbed and finish the job. You should explore your own body. You should touch yourself all over, know what gives you pleasure and what feels good, not just your bollocks, but all over. You should know what every part of your own body feels like and how it likes to be touched because one day, you are going to decide to share your body with another person and how can you pleasure them if you don't know what brings you pleasure first?"

Harry only nodded, drinking more from his soda pop. "Uncle Sirius, do we have to talk about this?"

Sirius smiled at him. "Yeah, Prongslet, we do."

Harry's face positively burned in protest.

Sirius dragged his fingers through his hair. "We're not doing this to embarrass you, Harry, though it is a parent's privilege to embarrass our son, but you need to know about your own body. Waking up with morning wood is pretty much the standard for blokes and I can promise you, Uncle Rem and I still wake up with a stiffy ourselves. It's normal. Soon your voice is going to change too, get deeper, and you won't sound like a child anymore. It's not only sexual changes that are taking place. You are going to notice a difference in how you smell as your body will be producing adult hormones and you will have to start keeping yourself extra clean, using the right toiletries such as deodorant and maybe even cologne if you want. There's the annoyance of acne, Merlin, we all hate that."

Remus chuckled. "I still get the occasional zit to annoy me. But there's also mood changes. One minute you might be incredibly angry for no reason and then maybe really sad and you can't completely explain why. It's a really tough time for you, but it's just a phase that your body is going through and everyone is going through the same thing as you, but it happens to everyone at a different pace. Some of the boys in your class might already be trying to kiss girls or be interested in dating and in some boys it might not even be something they are thinking about for two or three more years or longer. Everyone is different." He sighed. "But it is the sexual component of puberty that Uncle Siri and I want to talk to you about today."

Sirius nodded and let out a slow breath. "Harry, do you know what sex is?"

"You and Zee have it."

Sirius flushed at that. "Well, yeah we do."

"And now Tonks and Uncle Remus are having it."

"Yes, that's true, but, do you know what it is?"

"It's when a man puts his penis inside of a woman and they make a baby."

Sirius grinned. "Yeah, we had that baby conversation, didn't we? Sex makes babies, true, but people don't only have sex to make babies. They have sex because it feels good. Remember when we were in Pompeii and we saw those paintings on the walls and you asked me what those people were doing?" At Harry's nod, he smiled. "They were having sex, not to make babies — but for the pleasure of having sex."

Harry simply stared at him.

Sirius sighed. "Having sex is an amazing pleasure where you are with another person, pleasing them as they are pleasing you. It's a wonderful thing to experience when you are old enough and more importantly, when you are ready. Soon, you're going to start thinking about kissing, Harry. Kissing is a pretty great thing to experience. Everyone enjoys a good snog. And it's not just about your lips, but about how you can use your lips."

Harry stared at him as Sirius explained how kissing someone you were sexually attracted to was very different from kissing a friend or a family member. He explained how to kiss someone softly, deeply, open-mouthed, close-mouthed, how to use tongue, how to know what the correct amount of tongue was, how to lick and suck and nibble, and what to do with your hands when you were kissing someone. Sirius suggested holding their waist, holding their face, running your fingers through their hair, along their back.

"When you kiss someone for the first time, you feel a spark there, something that tells you that you like kissing them and if you don't feel that, then maybe that person isn't the right one for you," Remus explained to him.

Sirius crossed his arms in front of his chest and sighed. "All right, next we're going to talk about foreplay."

Harry flushed deeper, but he listened as his father explained how once you had spent time kissing someone how you might want to move a little further and that if both you and your partner were ready for that, you might want to touch each other. Remus explained that this touching was like the touching you did on your own body, exploring their arms and their back and their chest and their stomach; stroking and maybe even kissing.

"It depends on what you and your partner are ready for, Harry. You move at a comfortable pace for the two of you."

Harry only nodded.

Sirius moved on from touching above the waist to below it and pleasuring your partner. He drew moving diagrams of the male and female body, explaining what erogenous zones were.

"Uncle Sirius?"

"Yes, Harry?"

Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "The night before the train brought me home, I went downstairs because I couldn't sleep and I…"

"And you?"

He peeked a glance up at his father before he quickly looked away. "There was a sixth year girl in the common room and she was naked and… she had really pretty breasts and… a sixth year boy was kneeling in front of her and he had his tongue inside of her, you know… down there… and it looked like he was sucking on… something…"

Sirius smirked at him. "Inside of her vagina?" When Harry nodded, he grinned. "How did that make you feel?"

Harry flushed. "I, er… I ran back upstairs so that they didn't see me."

"Did you touch yourself?"

Harry's ears burned so red that he thought there had to be real flames coming from them. "Yes."

Sirius smiled. "There's nothing wrong with that, Harry. I bet it was pretty sexy to see, actually, not that you should be spying, mind you. But what that sixth year was doing to the girl was giving her pleasure by performing oral sex, something called cunnilingus. Trust me, that is fantastic for the witch and for you. He was sucking on her clitoris, or clit for short."

He pointed to the diagram on the table and explained where the pleasure points were and moved on to discuss the pros and cons of oral sex including the use of hands, fingers, mouth, and tongue. He explained the importance of pleasuring the clitoris and how to do so using mouth, tongue, fingers, and cock.

"You'll feel her walls fluttering, pulsing against you when she's ready and it feels incredible."

"Tastes incredible," Remus said with a smile. "But being inside her when she's climaxing is the most amazing experience."

Sirius nodded. "You can say that again. But we're talking about using the tongue, Moony."

"The feel of your tongue inside of her when she comes is also an amazing experience," Remus added as Sirius grinned at him.

When Sirius went on to explain how to pull the clitoris into your mouth while still working it with your tongue, Harry blushed scarlet, and buried his face in his hands.

"Orgasms are important, Harry," Remus insisted, making an embarrassed Harry look up at him. "You want to give your partner as many of those as you can and most importantly — you want her to come first. It will make the sex more enjoyable for both of you and the actual shagging far more enjoyable for her."

Sirius nodded and went on to explain how to use one's fingers expertly and Harry sunk lower in his chair.

"You experiment, Harry," Remus said simply. "Everyone is different and not all witches are the same. You kiss and you touch and you see what she likes you to do. Don't be afraid to ask her what she likes; get her to show you."

"That's hot as well," Sirius added, wiggling his eyebrows. "Watching a woman touch herself is foreplay on its own. Trust me."

Remus nodded. "He's not wrong. Remember, give your partner an orgasm. You just have to be patient and a good lover enjoys his work. Trust me, Harry, once you have a witch naked or semi-naked in your arms, you are going to know what to do. You won't be thinking of how and when, you'll be thinking, I want to kiss her here, or I want to touch her there and it will all make sense after that. This is just the basic guidelines to help you feel more comfortable. But together, you will figure it out, I swear."

"And you can always do a bit of everything, don't think that it has to be one thing. Sometimes the foreplay can start with oral and end with sex or vice versa or mix it up somewhere in the middle. It's about you and your partner. Don't overthink it," Sirius explained.

Four hours later, Harry's ears were ringing and his cock was so hard it hurt. He tried to think of other things like Uncle Sirius had suggested, but hearing how someone could touch him or suck on him or how he could put his cock into someone only made him even harder. Remus told him about hand jobs, blow jobs, and rim jobs, using Sirius' moving diagrams to point out where one's fingers and tongue should work for maximum pleasure and he stared at them between his fingers covering his face. Sirius had then gone on to explain all about sex and sexual positions and had moved on to teach him how to have safe sex.

When he finished, he smiled kindly at Harry. "Now, that was embarrassing enough for all of us. I'm going to get dinner started, why don't you go upstairs and think about what we just discussed. If you have any questions or if there's anything else that you'd like to know, just ask me or Uncle Remus, Harry. Remember, we don't lie to each other and we're always here to answer any questions you may have about absolutely anything no matter how embarrassing you might think it is — don't be afraid to talk to us."

Harry only nodded and hurried up the stairs, his cock pressing uncomfortably into the denim of his jeans. He closed his bedroom door behind him, unzipped his jeans and watched in fascination as his hard penis sprung free. He remembered what Sirius had said about it being perfectly normal to touch one's self and he reached down to fondle himself, an image of Alicia's breasts before his eyes again as he began exploring his sack and his anus in curiosity before he rubbed his palm over his privates, up and down and around until he came and he grunted in relief.

As embarrassing and traumatizing as that conversation had been for him, he was grateful to Sirius and Remus for finally explaining everything and he was grateful for the fact that Sirius had done everything in his power to not make it awkward.

It was still incredibly awkward, but it could have been a lot worse, he thought.

He cleaned himself up, deciding to shower before dinner instead of after.

He just hoped that he didn't have to talk about it again any time soon.

~ ASC ~

Once Harry was upstairs, Sirius looked at Remus and let out a long breath. "Do you think that we scarred him for life?"

Remus grinned, rubbing the back of his neck. "No, I don't think so, but we did throw a lot of information at him. I think that you got everything across well."

Sirius glanced up at the ceiling. "I feel like he's probably sitting in his room wishing he was anywhere but here."

Remus smiled. "At least we were nice enough to only give him the talk, do you remember how we learned about this stuff?"

Sirius flushed, but nodded. "Oh, I do. Summer before third year Monty overheard me telling you and James that I had gotten a blowie. He invited us out to camp with him that night in the garden and we sat around the fire roasting marshmallows as Fleamont Potter told us all about wet dreams and masturbation. I was completely mortified and then when he started to explain about oral sex and asked me what I knew about it since I was obviously the experienced one of the group… Merlin, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die."

Remus chuckled. "And then some. But he was thorough. He told us what we needed to know and then he carefully sent us along that book at school, remember, what was it called?"

"Pleasing Your Witch or Wizard, A Step by Step Guide," Sirius recited with a smile. "I still have my copy. I was thinking of giving it to Harry for Christmas."

"That's a smart idea. I think the book will answer any of the other questions he may have without having to embarrass him further."

"Me too. It covers erogenous zones and it lists all of the sexual positions with illustrations; breaks down the male and female reproductive system and how to give pleasure plus the first chapter is on safe sex practices."

"Do you think Fee ever knew he sent us that book?" Remus asked.

Sirius grinned. "I'd rather not think about it to be honest."

Remus laughed. "Agreed. I must admit though, I'm glad that talk is over with. You did a good job, Padfoot."

Sirius grinned and ruffled his hair. "Merlin, I hope we both did. And I hope it's a while before we have to worry about him doing any of that stuff. To think that he's almost the same age I was when I had my blow job is unthinkable."

"Tell me about it," Remus said with a chuckle. "You should take him shopping though, help him pick out his own soaps and deodorant, maybe choose a cologne. Help him decide what he wants to wear. He's growing up, Padfoot, and I think making his own choices on that stuff will be good for him."

Sirius nodded, letting out a long sigh. "Agreed. We'll do it tomorrow, I need a few things myself, plus I forgot to get the stuff for the eggnog which Minnie loves, and I forgot to get butterbeer."

Remus chuckled. "Sounds like a plan then."

"I'd ask you to come along, but you need to figure out when you're going to tell Ted and Andy that you're dating their daughter."

Remus blanched. "I don't think now's a good time."

"They need to know, Rem, especially before we're all over there on Christmas Day."

"I know, I know… I've just… I've never been through the whole meeting the parents thing. This is all new to me."

Sirius only grinned at him. "You've already met the parents and it's not the only thing that you need to think about, Moony. Tonks knows that you care about her. She knows how long you pushed her away and how stubborn you were in ignoring your feelings for her, but I already know she doesn't know why."

Remus hesitated. "Padfoot —"

"No," Sirius interrupted. "Don't 'Padfoot' me on this, Moony. She's your soulmate. She feels that bond just as clearly as you do and you need to tell her that."

Remus swallowed slowly. "When she learns what I am…"

"What? You think it's going to change how she feels about you?"

Remus bowed his head in shame. "I couldn't bear it. Not from her."

Sirius reached over to squeeze his friend's shoulder. "The longer you wait to tell her, the more it's going to come across as betrayal to her. She's known you for years and you've never told her this about you, but now that you're together… Moony, you have to tell her that you're a werewolf."

Remus only nodded, biting his bottom lip. "I know. God, I know." He buried his face in his hands. "I don't even know how to do that."

Sirius smiled, sympathetically. "Rem, we just gave our twelve-year-old the talk about puberty, masturbation, and sex. You can bloody well tell your girlfriend you're a werewolf."

He chuckled and grinned at his friend. "It's hardly the same thing."

"No, fuck, it's got to be way easier!"

Remus smirked. "I will. I just… not yet… I need more time."

Sirius simply nodded. "You don't have to tell her right this second, Rem, but you have to tell her soon. All right?"

"All right."

Sirius only hoped that his friend listened to him.