Day 5 (Or Why Lucina Masks Aren't Effective)

"So you're saying that the MC's big bro bangs his gal in the janitor's closet while he's… uh, doing detention with the token bombshell prof?"

"Sounds about right."

"Gods above. Like, I totally need the sauce."

"Ninjas of Love: Cleaners."

"You sure it's not Ninjas of Love: NTR?"

Blake flushed and held her book between her boobs, pushing her soaked shirt into the valley of her chest—I swear I'm not leering at her it's just Jaune's hormones talking.

"You're a really tactless guy, aren't you?"

"What do you mean? I'm, like, the most tactful gal—I mean, guy out here."

"Considering that your only competition is Nex and he's, well…"

We climbed another slope, the desert sun glaring at our faces. Nex laughed as Weiss stumbled on her heels, landing on a pitch-black glyph and launching herself back up. Little Miss Schnee-byou flinched, the tell-tale glow of a golden glyph flashing on her hand for a split-second. Then it vanished—just another trick of the desert light, I'm sure.

"He's, well, Nex," Blake finished. We started jogging so we can keep pace. "What about you?"

"Me?" I said. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. You wanna know if I like NTR, too?"

"No, that's obvious," Blake said. "What gets you up in the morning?"

Huh. You know, Akane asked me the same question, too. And she's, like, supposed to be the genderbent partner of this version of Blake. Like, in another world.

"Uh, like, aside from my job?" I said. "My constant need for validation, maybe?"

"You have a constant need for validation?"

"Dunno. Are you validating it?"

"Ha-ha," Blake said. "Seriously."

I arched both eyebrows. "What's this all about?"

"I just…" Blake took a sip of her water-skin. "Need someone to talk to that isn't my team."

"I'm, like, a stranger," I said. "Didn't your mom ever tell you not to talk to strangers?"

"I haven't talked to mom in years," Blake said.

"Oh, damn," I said, a pang of holy shit wrong turn lodged in my heart. "Is this, like, supposed to be the part where I say, I'm sorry for your loss?"

Blake shrugged. "Not really. I ran away from home, you know."

"Ah, shite, here we go," I said. "This is the part where you reveal that you have the tragic backstory of abused and neglected male reader, don't you?"

Blake did a funny series of blinks with her almond-shaped eyes. "No, actually. We didn't have much back in Menagerie, but we had a pretty good life."

"Aaaaaaaand now because you left, you have to learn the value of family? Like, Dom or something?"

"Will you please stop trying to write me into your weird fanfic?"

"Can't help it. Like, I've written more than two-hundred books. Everything feels like free real estate at this point."

"Never heard of you."

"Keep going like that and you won't ever get my signature." I wagged a finger at her nose. "I'm secretly a bestselling author, you know."

Blake's lips twitched. "Okay, mister bestseller. You still haven't answered my question."

"I get up… 'cuz it's fun, and it's my job," I said. "It's, uh, kinda because I don't really have much of a choice, though."

"Not having a choice," Blake said. "Yeah."

"Tell me about it," I said. "We have, like, an hour more to walk anyway."

"Oi! Guardian!" Inky waved her staff, standing atop a dune. "We be heading straight, eh?"

"Yeah!" I yelled back. "There's a giant tower that we have to go around and a chasm we have to avoid falling into!"

"Aye, aye, cap'n!" Inky said, thrusting her staff towards the skies. "Put your backs into it 'ye bloomin' cockroaches! We be all walkin' faster, eh?!"

"Verily!" Fiona chimed in, pointing at the very same dick-shaped cloud Inky set her sights on. "We must make for the piles of the glittering gold! Oh! 'Twould be a sight for the sightless! A gift of the gilded! A…"

I sighed, shaking my head at Blake. "Once again, ignore her. Archer has what the Mistralians call… chuunibyou."

"I've noticed," Blake said, nodding. "What do you see in her?"

"She's saved my ass more times than I can count," I said. "She's, like, really the one person I can rely on."

And that's the truth.

Like, I mean, Taurus? The Akane Taurus? She's good in a scrap and a fine gal to hang with, but I don't really know her that well.

Ruby? Our Ruby? She's, like, the definition of an emotional blackhole, sucking everything into her and collapsing 'em into one giant vortex of edginess.

Weiss—the shining, smiling, shimmering Paladin Weiss? Well, she's a little better. Scratch that. A lot better. Like, waifu-material better. The type of gal that's there for the isekai protagonist on their very first day.

But her actually flirting with me? I don't know. Like, it's fucking creepy.

"Quote what about me unquote?"

Screw you. You're, like, the worst possible Guide in anything out there. Even freaking Dark Souls has a better tutorial.

"Quote my heart unquote."

Yeah, your heart. It's crammed full of ones and zeroes. Tell me something I don't know.

"I used to be a member of the White Fang," Blake said. "I wanted a world where I didn't need to wear a bow."

She frowned, her cat ears twitching.

"But then, I left," Blake whispered. "I couldn't stomach how it was turning into something so violent. So destructive."

I winced. "Geez, that's super edgy." She glared at me for a second. "But, you know, hot take, if you want something done, then you better be ready to fight for it—tooth for tooth."

Like, our world reached peace—under the rule of a unified council of Arbiters—by wading through oceans of blood. It's not easy. Giving everyone jobs, fighting for the lesser denominator. Hell. It's even harder building that kind of society in the first place.

"I know," Blake said, sighing through her teeth. "But I'm tired. So very tired. I just want to… read a book and get lost in its pages."

I bit my lip, reaching out to dust some sand off her shoulder. "Like, I get it. We're both tired, Little Miss Cat Girl. We just wanna read NTR in peace. I know, I know."

"Hands off." Blake smiled and swatted my arm away. "Your beloved might get jealous."

"Hmph!" Fiona crossed her arms under her corseted boobs, pushing them up against the tight fabric with a smirk on her face. "The cat in the black will be most disappointed!" she said. "For you see, the Guardian Eir prefers only the most bountiful of the boobies—"

"Okay! Okay! Geez!" I said, my cheeks spewing flames like a volcano. "Like, I'm not a sex-deprived virgin basement dweller, okay?!"

Blake snorted as she wiped a sheen of sweat off her forehead. "Gods. You're made for each other."

There's a round of snickers coming from Leli and Inky, and odd looks from Weiss and Nex. Like, leave me alone, alright? It's not like I peeked at her chest on purpose. I mean, I might have stared hard enough for even a dense Schnee-byou to get it… But I swear. It's just the damn hormones talking.

"What would you do?" Blake said.

I kicked a pebble away, watching it roll off the dune and down the desert below. "Huh?" I said.

"If you had a choice…" Blake said. "What would you do?"

Riiiiiight. She's got the energy of a confused, quiet, and edgy teenager. Somehow, I keep forgetting that these four are, like, barely university-age or something. And that their world deals in angsty child-soldiers practically every day.

"Like, seriously, Blake. If you don't like how they're doing it, then you gotta stop making love to the fence and actually do it your way, yeah?"

"Easier said than done," Blake mumbled.

"Like, what isn't? Honestly? I love fighting monsters, you know," I said—and I swear I'm not bullshitting. "Swinging a sword is waaaaayyyy easier than politics. 'Cuz that one's, like, juggling feral house cats with their claws out all the time."

"You work in politics?" Blake arched an eyebrow.

"Yeah, like, completely unbelievable, I know," I said. "But let's not talk about me. Let's talk about you."

Blake grinned. "Sounds exactly like what a two-bit politician would say."

"Nuh, uh, uh," I said. "Unlike two-bit politicians, I actually mean what I say."

"So you want me to talk about me," Blake said.

"Like, you need someone to hang with, yeah? A stranger to, like, offload all your baggage to?"

"I'll tell you my life story in a bit. Just… after I get all this sand out of my boots. Which means you might have to wait a while."

I chuckled as she kept trudging forward, leaving sunken trails on the dune. In a way, it's exactly what we are. Just a couple of guys and gals making their way through the endless multiverse, the ground sinking below them—because neither it nor the blistering, crimson sun above cared.

I blinked. A shaft of desert light caught Fiona's grin—in 4K—as she craned her head and tossed me a wink. Her ruffled hair bobbed under the shadow of her dusty, old hood.

Whoa. She's… waaaaayyyyy prettier. Way, way prettier than even Vogue girls all dolled up in Photoshop. Hell, she's practically glowing behind her skewed butterfly mask.

"Beloved!" Fiona skipped towards me, leaving a smiling Weiss alone. She hooked her elbow around mine. "How fares thee?"

"Are you, uh, okay?" I said, gulping. My throat constricted like someone shoved an entire orchestra of nails and chalkboards down my pipes.

"Verily!" Fiona responded, in typical Schnee-byou fashion. "For you see, the heiress of the Schnee—"

"That's, like, your mom," I muttered. "And, technically, isn't the heiress supposed to be you?"

"—has seen fit to offer the advice for the dating!" Fiona pressed on—what. "Oh! 'Twould behove the Guardian—"

"Wait, what, hol' up," I said, putting a screeching halt to her tirade. "Out of all the things you could've asked her, you asked for dating advice?!"

Nex shrugged at the corner of my eye, snickering.

"Hmph!" Fiona curled her nose up. "Mayhaps the Guardian has aught of the speechiness?"

"You could have, like…" I said. "Asked about school or something."

Fiona smirked. "'Tis the epitome of the mundane, is it not?"

"Alright, alright, fair point," I said. "Still. Dating. I'm, like, at a disadvantage, you know."

"Fret not, beloved!" Fiona giggled. "This Heroine shall—as the locals say it—take the most careful care of thee!"

Just when I was about to believe her, Little Miss Schnee-byou winked.

"Hmph! This Heroine is of the most magnanimous, is she not?" Fiona lifted her chin, her smirk growing bigger. "Is she not? Is she not, Beloved—with a capital B? Is she not?"

I rolled my eyes and set my sights on the cliff ahead, catching a glimpse of Inky chatting merrily with Ruby. As well as the moment Inky stopped walking. She held her staff up, an inch away from falling off the edge of the cliff.

"Hmph!" Archer folded her arms. "'Tis most dastardly of the cultists to do the direction of the amiss."

"What do you mean?" Weiss said.

"There be powerful magics in the air," Inky said, squeezing her staff. "Not a step further, lest y'all be lost in the vilest of dreams."

Yeah, like, of course.

Inception. An Inceptionglobe. Or something.

Because why not?

Observe.

Curse of the Stranger

Bounded Field

Illusion

"An illusion," I said. "Just perfect."

"Born of blood and fire…"

Inky's voice came as a quiet whisper, her eyes scrunched shut.

"...and blessed by midnight's hand."

A silver knife arced through the air, flaying Inky's arm from the elbow down to the wrist. Flesh squelched as red sprayed the sand.

She's the one holding the instrument of death, by the way.

Nex stared at Inky, his golden eyes glinting like steel.

Weiss gasped.

"Inky!" Ruby held her palms over her mouth.

Leli placed a hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

I ran a hand through my hair as droplets of Inky's blood stained her pants. The rest of the fountain stilled, frozen. "Oh, wow. So you're a blood mage too. Can you, like, warn people before going all stabby though?"

Inky's eyes turned foggy, blazing with green fire—exactly like a certain Demon Hunter I know.

Like, copyright police? Anyone? Anyone?

"By the call of the pyre, no sorrows we repent…"

White fire spiralled out of thin air, stitching together a sigil—of a staff wreathed in roaring flames. It flew against the boundary, magic sparking and tearing. Inky's fire spread like a net and reached far across the desert, going beyond the horizon far, far beyond what my eyes could see.

Inky's panting snapped me back to reality. She stumbled on her heels, a wave of sand spraying my jeans as she did. Thankfully, Leli propped her up before she fell.

"Are you alright, ma chérie?" Leli said.

Inky grinned. "Peachy. Now then. There be two anchors tethering the spell to this plane."

"Can't you just, like, crack it open?" I said. "Like an egg?"

Seriously. She had sky-high stats. I'd be more surprised if she couldn't brute-force her way into it.

"Oh, 'ye sweet, sweet summer child," Inky said, shaking her head.

Wait. Isn't that supposed to be my line?

"What Inky means to say is that the magic is designed to be impregnable from the outside," Leli said. "We cannot afford the backlash that would result from, ah shall we say, a more forceful entry like what you are suggesting, old friend."

"Aye! That be true!" Inky said. "It be an eloquent way to say it, eh, amatus?"

Leli smiled. "One of us has to be, unfortunately."

I swear, there's hearts flying around these two, some sort of unspoken bond, and it makes me wonder what's the story behind it.

"So, like, how do we do this?" I said.

Inky had us sortie into two strike teams—one for each anchor. Little Miss Schnee-byou and I, unsurprisingly, got matched with her parents.

It's good party-composition, Inky said. One tank, two supports, and a dps.

I stared blankly at her.

It'll be fine, she said, patting my bicep with a shit-eating grin hewing her face in two.

Riiiiight.

After spewing her excuses, Inky shot me a wink. Then we rode off towards the horizon, with Nex and Weiss sharing his hoverboard and us all saddled up on Maribelle.

The message was clear. Apparently, we're supposed to act like supportive friends. The three of us, I mean.

Maribelle neighed, the saddle bumping against the delicate jewels hanging from my crotch. The impact jarred my pelvis and knocked a couple points off my AU.

Ouch. Alright, alright, I get it.

Us four then.

Got any ideas, oh horsey o' mine?

Ask, mistress.

Ask?

The one by your side is… a blunt lady, is she not?

Kinda. I mean, not all the time. But most of the time.

Then I believe that a little push is all she needs.

You know what? You got a totally valid point. I've been hinting at it, but I never actually told her to do it. Maybe that's the secret sauce to getting me and her on the same wavelength? Just, order her to do it? Like, no brakes tackle her over to her parents?

My stomach churned, and it's not hunger setting it. Like, I'm not the type of person to just bark out orders, life-or-death situations aside. I'm not Edgy Rose or Akane or anyone like that. Right? I'm a staunch practitioner of chillosophy, I promise.

The pulsing dot on my Mini-Map—that Inky marked—grew ever closer. I tugged at Maribelle's reins, letting her canter atop a steep dune. The low humming of Nex's hoverboard drowned the hissing of the desert as he pulled its gearstick back. They floated inches above the ground, right beside us.

"We've stopped," Weiss said. "Why?"

"Contacts," Nex said, squinting through the Vacuan breeze.

Cultists. Lots of cultists. Hooded cultists like the ones from our Weiss' world roaming around a crumbling temple. The shattered head of a woman—a goddess, I think—lay on its cheek, half-buried in dirt. It shone a deep grey, sucking in every speck of light.

That reminds me. It's gotten so fucking hot all of a sudden. And I swear it's not just the nerves talking.

I wiped the sweat off my face. If I could glare at the sun without making the situation so much worse, I would've done so already. "Hesus," I said. "It's, like, they personally made this place to piss me off or something."

Can't stop me from complaining though.

"We should do what Inky wants us to do as soon as possible and get out of this infernal sun," Weiss said, scowling.

Fiona's soft hand pressed against my neck.

Aaaaaaaaand it's gotten even hotter.

"Pray!" Fiona frowned. "Mayhaps the Guardian is feeling of the unwell?"

"I'm, like, roasting like a fish here," I said, shivering. "Any moment now, I'll flop over and die, and golden girl isn't here to rez."

Nex snickered.

"Impossible. Walks With Death—"

Yeah, I know, I know. Walks With Fucking Death is available. Have you ever heard of a hyperbole or a metaphor?

"Only a simile."

Fiona whipped her bow out. "Mayhaps 'twould be wise for the Shade and the Schnee to do the pressing of the onwards?"

Weiss quirked an eyebrow. "You want us to lead the charge."

I get the feeling that isn't a question at all. You and me both, Weiss. You and me with the same thoughts over here. Which I'll promptly voice, being the only sane gal that I am.

"That sounds kinda dumb—with a capital D," I said. "I'm, like, the mega tank here, remember? You know, that one guy built to be the meat-shield in every raid?"

Fiona broke into another one of her tittering fits, choking like a bird. "The Guardian and this Heroine shall attempt to do the flanking. But mayhaps we ought to do the swapping of the partners?"

A spark lit Weiss' face.

"That sounds great, Archer," Weiss said. "Nex and Eir will act as our vanguard, while we aid them from a distance."

Geez. Me and the Virgil-clone with the blue trench coat, huh? Our eyes met. He seemed to be sizing me up already, edgy protagonist style. That makes me wonder. Is he part of the reason why Edgy turned out the way she did?

Nah. I shook my head. That can't be it. It makes a little too much sense. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that there's no such thing as sense when you're with the Guardians of the Unknowing.

For your incredible sense, you have earned 1 WIS.

Har-har, see? Funny. I'm going insane getting some WIS, yeah?

"Very well! 'Tis a glorious day for the battling indeed! Let us ride for the war and the slaughter, comrades of the arms!" Archer twirled and poked Weiss' chest. "Leave none standing! Take no prisoners! For honour! For glory! For the sons and daughters of Skyrim!"

I peeled my eyes away from the tragedy about to unfold, taking the chance to drag Nex off. Like, thank me later, dude. Your future kid's about to murder your future wife. Accidentally. All with the sheer, unbelievable force of fucking chuunibyou.

"You owe me one," I said. "Like, big-time."

"I'll buy you a milkshake," Nex said, shrugging. "Just name the time and place."

We slowly, carefully made our way to the temple, tip-toeing over the worn path paved with what seemed to be stone blocks fashioned from sand.

"Hesus," I said. "You don't know how long it's been since I've had, like, a glass of milkshake."

Nex cracked his neck. "How long?"

"Four days," I said, using the cuff of my sleeve to dab the salt from my eyes. "Fuckin' feels like eternity though."

"Tell me about it," Nex said.

I chuckled. "Yeah, like, no. It's, like, a super long story, more than a hundred-thousand words long. And you're not exactly loaded with H2O."

The moment we officially stepped into the temple, we had to squat behind a pillar, hiding from their posse of generic, hooded cultists. They stood guard around something—a beating, black heart sitting on a pedestal, right below the very same goddess from earlier. Every single heartbeat sent my EEP-senses tingling, the crimson tendrils woven into its veiny walls a little too familiar.

Observe.

Heart of Darkness

Conduit of Power

Whoa. Edgy. Hey, Guide. What's a Heart of Darkness?

"A conduit for the corrupt powers of Corruption."

No shit.

"The Heart of Darkness seems to be drawing magic from an entity deep beneath the earth. Caution is greatly advised, Guardian."

Oh, great. A dark, magical McGuffin. Cosmic horrors hiding under our feet. Abominations floating in space right above us. What could possibly go wrong?

"Quote a million things unquote."

You're not being very Guide-like right now, Guide. Aren't Guides supposed to be super helpful? Then again, I'm probably expecting a liiiiiiittle too much from you.

"Should victory prove impossible, escape is a valid option."

You mean just run away? Geez. Why didn't I think of that?

I licked my cracked lips, eyeing the big, bad, bear of a man standing—arms crossed—next to the Heart of Darkness.

Observe.

Hazel Rainart (Human) — Remnant A-404

The Negotiator

Bruiser

Level 56

Wait. Something's wrong. Like, that's it? Isn't Hazel supposed to be one of the terrifying henchmen of the final boss of the series? Why is Nexus freaking Shade—the college student from some cliched anime school—only three Levels away from a goddamn endgame-tier Mini-Boss?

"Quote why don't you ask unquote."

You want me to ask the shady edge lord why—pun awfully intended—at the risk of receiving vague non-sequiturs or, worse, an emo monologue detailing his tragic, mysterious backstory where his mom died and his dad never came back with the milk?

Yeah, like, no, I'll pass.

Imma ask you a better question. What are my chances of taking Hazel while Nex, Weiss, and Fiona wipe the floor with his mooks?

"69.69696969696969—"

Okay, you can round it off to a seventy. I get it. Like, why though?

"Reaper Knights are almost always the bane of other tank classes, with their high sustain, DoT damage, and Walks With Death. Quote it's a hundred-zero match-up unquote."

Really? That's all I need to hear then.

I smirked, whispering, "Looks tough, but I can take him."

"You sure?" Nex asked.

"I can't die, remember?" I said, stepping away from the pillar.

I know, I know. I'm super badass right now. Try not to lose it, okay?

Not like these Death Dealer rip-offs going all quiet like rats the moment they saw me.

I swung my bloodsword out, hefting my bloodshield into a rigid stance. "Oi! Yes, you, the morons with the matching hoods!" I banged my bloodsword and bloodshield together. "No offence, but, honestly?! You look like Death Dealer rejects from My Immortal!"

Bear-man—I mean, Hazel grunted. "You. Are you one of Ozpin's?"

I snorted. "Budget Dumbledore? Fuck no."

I mean, like ,really? Working for some wrinkled old man sounds pretty fucking lame no matter how you cut it. Oh, right, look at me calling the kettle black. It's not like working for some disembodied voice is any better.

Moments passed and Hazel didn't say anything.

"I'm just here to clean up the trash," I said, shifting on my heels.

Hazel's still not saying anything, choosing to glare at me instead.

"So I'd really appreciate it if you, like, move over and let me do my thing," I said. "'Cuz, like, you know this bit about my job?" I chuckled, my voice going weaker. "It's a pain in the ass sometimes."

"Your name?" Hazel said.

"Eir." I flexed my sword-arm, grinning. "So, you moving or what?"

Hazel gave his name and stretched his shoulders—well, a little. "I was about to ask you the same. Leave and no one needs to die today."

Whoohooo! The Negotiator! And here I thought it was another meme or something. Like, Arc-mage, much?

"Well," I said, snickering. Enchant wreathed my bloodsword with invisible air. "Death's, like, the dumbest thing you could possibly threaten me with."

Death Defiant and Creeping Death switched on as Hazel finally uncrossed his arms.

"Last chance. From one tank to another," I said, "you're, like, super screwed right now. Bad RNG, Hazel. Bad RNG."

"Cocky. Or confident," Hazel said. "We'll see."

Yeah, like, no kidding. That's what every villain ever says, right?

Strength coursed through my limbs as I activated Stampede. With bloodshield in hand, I charged towards Hazel. My bloodsword lay poised above, the crystalline blade glimmering crimson.

A fist.

It smashed against my bloodshield.

The raw, explosive impact flung a pack of cultists around the temple, and turned my bones into jelly.

But it didn't matter. I could shrug it off. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the System was a system—even though it went against all things sensible. Unwavering had my back against the Lyndwyrm. And, now, Hazel, with his eyes wide and his breath fogging up the steel of my bloodshield.

I smirked. Wasn't expecting that, were you, Mister Negotiator?

My bloodsword arced into a swift riposte, digging into his shoulder. His aura bounced the blow back, almost as if I were striking stone instead of flesh.

Hazel Rainart

HP: 18,113/18,771

SP: 15,473/15,473

Two-hundred points. Guess his AU deflected the rest.

And, uh—

I bashed his fist away, ducking under the other one. Wind tousled my hair as I weaved around his waist and stabbed at his back with a Reaping Slash. My flaming bloodsword boomed and drew a roar from Hazel—a critical hit stacking with Reaping Slash.

Ouch.

Hazel Rainart

HP: 17,419/18,771

SP: 15,473/15,473

Hazel lashed out with a backhand. The blow struck my ribs with the force of a speeding truck. Agony lanced through my body, my bones embroiled in fire. Any normal gal would've already cried and collapsed, but, luckily, my formidable CON blocked out the bulk of the pain.

Not the thousand points of damage though.

Eir

HP: 979/2,067

MP: 3,369/3,769

Damn. More than half of my HP off, even with my AU taking the brunt of it.

Go easy on my squishy, fifty-percent more damage taken ass, okay?

We traded more blows, my bloodsword etching scratches on his thick, tanned hide. His fists would sometimes slip past my bloodshield, planting axes into my limbs. But… I had Skills like Creeping Death and Reaper's Bulwark. My Reaping Slash was powerful enough to top my HP off whenever it landed a crit. And with Rogue's Parry being a guarantee? Well…

Hazel Rainart

HP: 9,419/18,771

SP: 5,473/15,473

He's halfway dead. Meanwhile, there's me being a life-stealing asshole, exploiting my balanced multipliers.

Eir

HP: 1,917/2,067

MP: 1,541/3,769

Yeah, like, that's totally not broken at all. I guess it's what you get for not bothering to dodge my attacks and face-tanking every single one of them.

"Why won't you die?!" Hazel howled and palmed a yellowish crystal, sparks dancing over his fists.

They came in a flurry of frenzied hooks, the thunder frying my shield-arm as I held back the tide. Zap. Boom. Thud. The bloodsteel was impregnable, Arkhalla's enchantments proving to be tougher than any armament fashioned by mortal hands.

I stood my ground, unyielding, and spied Little Miss Schnee-byou already bombarding a group of cultists from afar.

"Reaper Knights, Hazel!" I said, coughing to shake the haemorrhage loose in my throat. Blood rained over my eyes like a curtain of red. My arm snapped back into place like a mannequin's limb. "We harden in response to physical trauma!"

My bloodsword sang as it slid across the rim of my bloodshield, nicking Hazel's wrist with a wet squelch. It sucked the blood dry and topped my HP back to full, Arkhalla's faint, raspy laughter ringing in my hood.

I blocked another furious haymaker. My bloodshield clanged, quivering in my grip. Hazel staggered backwards, a few steps away, as my Reaper's Bulwark miraculously made itself known for the first time in forever.

My bloodsword fell into a lightning-fast cut. It wrote another thin, red line on Hazel's chest.

He growled. His aura sparked over his cracked skin as his eyes went past my shoulder, just for a split second, letting me tear another gash into his waist.

Hazel roared as a cultist slammed against the Heart of Darkness, propelled by one of Weiss' black glyphs.

His blood spilled over it, the heart beating, thumping faster.

Uh oh. Not good. Evil-looking thing doing something equals bad, right?

"You fool!" Hazel said, a trail of blood dripping down his chin. "You've doomed us all!"

With a burst of sudden speed, he sprinted past me, thick, trunk-like arms flinging me aside.

"Hey!"

I lunged at him with Stampede, bloodsword swinging in a wide arc and gouging out a pound of his sinewy flesh. Gore splattered the temple tiles, dripping with more blood than even Arkhalla's sword could drink.

"Get back here!"

He ignored me and seemingly even the pain, dashing straight towards Weiss.

What the fuck? What happened to fuckin' Death Defiant?

"Creatures with a higher capacity for cognitive reasoning are much more difficult to quote aggro unquote."

Hazel appeared from seemingly thin air, fist blurring towards Weiss' head.

Nex leapt. His coat shimmered a pale blue—hard-light dust as Observe told me. He took the blow meant for Weiss with his shield—Vigilance—and promptly paid for it with an express flight against a pillar.

Fiona's eyes widened, before she growled and fired a volley of arrows at Hazel, forcing him to hide behind his arms and waddle his way towards her, frost creeping over his limbs.

The impact didn't chunk Nex's HP much, but I reckon the headache's gonna be a bitch.

Nexus Shade

HP: 8,010/9,011

SP: 13,619/16,417

Just as when I was about to help Fiona with Hazel, the temple shook violently. Rabid roars echoed deep within the earth. Whatever Abomination or Herald it was this time, it lay under our feet, intent on ripping its way through the temple—and burying us, alive and all.

Weiss already had Nex in her arms, ferrying him along with the help of her glyphs. Her armour clanked as she leapt past me, shooting us a worried glance.

"C'mon!" I yelled, waving my bloodsword to catch Little Miss Schnee-byou's attention. "We gotta bail!"

"Nay!" Fiona's eyes flashed red for a moment, a giant bolt of thunder straining against her bow. "Perish with the gale of the storm, villain!"

Hazel skidded to a halt.

A sudden snap hit my ears.

A shadow loomed over Fiona, accompanied by the sound of rocks grinding together.

…

The roof!

It's fuckin' fallin'!

I shrieked and slapped my cheeks. "This is so not the time!"

C'mon, EEP! Slap! Think! Slap! What to do—what to do—what to—

I crashed into Fiona with another Stampede, the excess momentum carrying us both towards the exit, and away from Hazel and an early death via collapsing infrastructure.

"Ooof!" Fiona's arms wrapped around my neck. "I had him!"

She glared at me.

The temple crumbled into a pile of debris, the statue of the goddess buried in sand.

"Yeah, well, see that?" I said, huffing as her chest pressed against mine. "Immortal or no, I didn't wanna have to dig you up, Fione."

"Hmph!" Fiona snatched my hand, dragging me along as we made a break for the mouth of the canyon.

Boulders rolled down its sides, the earth quaking below our feet. Behind us, a fetid darkness oozed out of the hole, a swarm of red eyes flitting across its expanse. Tentacles, wings, tails, claws, and all sorts of things did an orgy in the black ooze.

It chased after us.

The it.

"What the fuck is that?"

I screamed as Fiona swept my legs out from under me, catching me into a literal princess carry. A golden glyph launched us towards the cliff-face, more glyphs acting as platforms and letting her dash to the sun like some fucking Sonic OC on steroids.

"An elder one," Fiona said, her lips set into a thin line. "My research says—"

"You do research?" I snorted. "You? I can believe you being a connoisseur of the history or whatever, but actual research?"

"Yes! Me! Research!" Fiona said, scowling. She held me even tighter as we spun mid-air, dodging a thick mass of slithering tentacles. "Believe it or not, beloved, I'm not just a big-breasted bimbo!"

I smirked. "But you are a big-breasted bimbo!"

Fiona grinned as a blast of wind sent us running over the cliff-side. "Verily! Hmph! You love my breasts, do you not?" She winked and gripped my hand, whispering, the words almost lost in the clamour, "You want to squeeze them, don't you?"

A supernova's worth of heat rushed into my hormone-addled brain and lit my cheeks up like fireworks.

"Wai—wait—wait!" I yelped as we jumped over a gnarled palm tree, its leaves all withered and frayed. "You're, like, acting suuuuuuuuper flirty right now. Are you okay? You're not… injured, are you?"

Did the eldritch abomination damage her already damaged brain or something?!

"Nay!" Fiona raised her chin, even as the thing grew taller and bigger, blotting out the skies. "'Tis merely what the scriptures have told and foretold!"

"Scriptures?"

"The Ninjas of the Love!" Fiona said. "This Heroine has gleaned much wisdom from spying on—"

"I'm so gonna kill Blake!"

"Nay! Thou must not! However would Selene of the Belladonna come to be?!"

"I'm sure she'll find another mom! And change hair colour or something!"

We scaled the outcropping, jumping down towards a dune. Fiona cushioned our fall with another blast of wind as we landed behind Nex and Weiss.

"Where's Archer?" Nex grunted like every other anime edge lord ever.

"'Tis most fortunate!" Fiona shrieked, almost breathing down on his extra pair of ears—ouch. "This Heroine is here of the present!"

"Yeah, me too, by the way," I said, catching a glimpse of the splintered canyon.

The black haze had swallowed it whole, tentacles snaking out of the fog and dragging the screaming, fleeing cultists into its grasp.

Hesus.

"Is it just me," I said, "or are tentacles cropping up wayyyyyy too often?"

Almost as if in answer, an unearthly voice boomed out of the darkness, the fog dissipating.

"Who dares to awaken me?!"

Oh, great. Meet Abomination number two. He's not your typical Abomination. He only lives underground and has a really loud voice and—

"Who dares to steal my power?!"

Of course, he also has a penchant for interrupting me mid-monologue and a terrible case of halitosis, but I'm sure he's a pretty swell guy, under all those tentacles—

It's a fucking cockroach.

The giant Grimm jettisoned itself out of the sands, stepping on the remains of the temple. Tentacles swayed on its back. Fucking tentacles. A big-ass cockroach with fucking tentacles, millions of red eyes glimmering under its white carapace.

A cockroach.

With fucking tentacles.

I don't know how you get any more terrifying—or disgusting—than that.

"Who dares to stand before me?!"

Yeah, like, I'm wondering that too. I curled my nose up, sniffling. Your breath stinks like the local abattoir, dude.

"Hmph! I dare!" Fiona raised Skadi, letting go of my hand as she tugged at the bowstring. "This Heroine fears neither the gods above nor the terrors of the below!"

The Abomination hummed. "You are… bold, keeper of the storm. By what right do you challenge me, Czipueth, herald of the dark abyss?!"

"By right of birth! By right of ascendancy!" Fiona swept her cloak back. "By right of the blood coursing through my veins!"

Oh no. Here it comes.

She thrust her palm towards the heavens, her cloak billowing mysteriously.

"Cosmic fire, bring!" Fiona said, grinning as she winked at her parents. "The weapon of the immortal witch queen!"

Author's Notes:

I had a blast writing this. Thanks for reading and leaving those reviews!