A/N: After what I did in this arc, you folks are probably happy that I don't own Chuck.
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Carina sat in a wheelchair on the roof deck of the hospital and wondered if she should put sunscreen on her bald head. Goodness knows the summer sun was strong and her scalp had never been exposed to its rays and the bandage still covering the scalp wound wasn't large enough to cover much. She had felt ridiculous with half her head shaven and half with her hair down a few inches below her shoulders, so she taken it all off and donated the hair to one of those places that make wigs for cancer patients. It would be weird for a year or more, but at least it would all grow back at the same length.
After a while, she decided she should apply sunscreen. She'd ask Ellie or Devon to bring her some the next time one of them came to visit. Or even that strange little man, Morgan, who had come to visit her a few times. She remembered him from the engagement party, with that miniature brunette woman he was dating. He had explained his visits by telling her that he was friends with Team B and that he personally detested hospital food. In truth, his care packages for her were meals as good as she'd had in some of the world's top restaurants, and she found herself really looking forward to them and wishing he'd visit more often. She'd have to question him seriously about where he got them though, as she didn't quite believe that he'd cooked them himself.
Or maybe she'd get a hat.
She was looking at the sprawl of Los Angeles without really seeing it, thinking about her future.
With only one leg she'd never be a spy again, obviously. Hobbling around chasing some scumbag? Trying to seduce some cartel leader with her now broken body? Forget it. Men would run for the hills when they saw what was left of her. Forget seduction for work, God alone knew if she'd ever again find a man to go to bed with her just for fun. Going dancing with her girlfriends, the other CATS...not happening. A long run on a sunny weekend morning? Maybe a long roll in her fucking wheelchair, instead. These thoughts, which had been pretty much constant since she woke up after the bombing, exhausted her. She was sleeping much more than she usually did and some objective part of her mind recognized it as a sign of her depression. She was still in her twenties, at least for a few months more, and her life had already turned to complete shit.
So, she had determined to force herself to think of something more positive than what she was leaving behind with the remains of her leg. She was going to think of what she could do when she was no longer a spy. Her future.
The first thought was that she could be a Spanish teacher. She was totally fluent with the language, although she wondered if she needed a special teaching license or something. It probably depended on where she intended to teach. And that made her wonder where she should live after she quit the DEA. She could settle here in LA near Blondie, Chuckles, Casey, and Amy. Be nice to have some good friends around. But having them in the spy world she'd left behind would be a constant and painful reminder of what she'd lost. Maybe she could go back home to St. Louis, but that meant living near her brother and that wasn't a happy prospect to contemplate. Miami would be a good choice, but the nightlife of that city would always be a sad temptation. Some boring middle American city maybe? Fargo? She could hang out with Frances McDormand and watch the snow. She chuckled to herself.
A pretty woman in her early thirties or so crossed the roof deck obviously heading towards her. Carina didn't recognize the woman. She wore jeans and sneakers and a plain blue tee shirt. Her lustrous brown hair was covered by a plain black baseball cap. With her sunglasses on, her eyes weren't visible, but she was showing Carina a big smile. On the way, the woman snagged a chair with one hand and dropped it next to Carina.
Still standing, the woman stuck out her hand and said, "Agent Carina Miller. Hi, I'm Brittany Hughes. A mutual friend suggested I stop by and say hello."
Carina shook her hand and said, "Nice to meet you. Pardon me if I don't get up."
The woman sat in the chair she'd brought and said, "Hilarious." From the look on her face, she didn't seem to think it was at all funny. "You think of that one yourself?" She smiled to take some, but not all, of the sting from her words.
"I did. But I'm sort of new to this gig and I'm still working on my material. For the moment, I seem to be coming up short."
Ms. Hughes looked at her for a few moments stone faced and then laughed. "Short...ok, that was a good one. You're getting better. I'll bet in a few decades you really have those quips down."
"Lucky me."
"Yeah, actually, lucky you. You get to have some time to work on your material. So, yeah, lucky you," said Ms. Hughes, not cutting Carina any slack.
Carina, who had had only people being gentle with her since the bombing was slightly surprised to be getting it back a bit from Ms. Hughes, said, "Ms. Hughes...so, who's this mutual friend you mentioned?" She was not really in the mood to verbally spar with a stranger and was inclined to tell the woman to shove off.
"First of all, I'm Brittany. Maybe Britt if you feel like it. I'll answer to either. And the friend is Bryce Larkin. Although from the stories he told me as he flew me down here this morning, I do have to question whether he's really a friend."
"Larkin? He flew you down?"
"Yeah. I'm his PT...his physical therapist for his fucked up leg...up at the facility in Calistoga. The one for the rehab of intelligence officers. He said his best friend told him about the bombing. He wanted me to come down and talk to you, so, he borrowed a plane and flew me down. He was waiting at the bottom of the apartment stairs for me this morning at some ungodly early hour. My fault, I wanted to get here and back. You'll be one of my patients when you make it up to Calistoga."
"And Agent Larkin flew you down today just to see me?"
"Yeah. He wanted me to come down and talk to you before you came up. I made him promise to take me to dinner and some dancing at a club in town when we got back up later."
"Where is he now?" asked Carina.
"He's in a car parked across the street. He didn't want to come in. He knows some of the folks down here don't like him very much and he didn't want to upset anyone. Frankly, if half of what he told me he did is true, I don't blame you guys at all. He's really acted like an asshole. And that's the stuff HE told me he did. I can only imagine what he really did."
Carina thought about that for a bit and said, "Yeah. He treated some good friends of mine like shit. He's not my favorite guy. You said you're his PT?"
"Yup. And occasional bedmate."
A slightly exasperated Carina raised an eyebrow at that and said, "Proud of that, are we?"
"Not especially. Just full disclosure."
"Yeah? And how is he in the sack, Britt?" asked Carina, seeing if she could make the other woman uncomfortable.
Brittany grinned a little and seemed to think about it for a bit and then said, "Sort of middle of the road, honestly. I've had better and I've had worse. He can usually be expected to get the job done, but he doesn't make me swoon."
Carina gave a short bark of laughter. This woman was a straight shooter and Carina liked that...usually. "I guess that sounds about right. He was partnered with my best friend for a while. Great spy team, but she never did fall in love with him," said Carina.
"Not the only great spies around, though. I hear that you're a totally first-class spy with a brilliant career."
"Was. Past tense. Not a spy anymore. Not with this," Carina gestured at what was left of her leg.
"Why?" asked Britt.
"Why? Well, it's sort of obvious, isn't it. I can't do the job anymore. Not with what's left of my body."
"Wow, what a total load of bullshit," said Britt. "I don't even understand how you can say that crap with a straight face." She sounded honestly baffled by Carina's position.
Carina knew she was on the verge of getting a pep talk from the other woman and wasn't really in the mood for it. And anyway, the woman was reminding her of all the things she'd be missing from now on.
"So, Bryce thought you should visit and introduce yourself? Great. You did that. Thanks for coming. Hope you have a nice flight back. Sorry to have had you go to so much trouble. I'm not in much of a mood to make new friends today."
"Oh. Sorry. I can see how busy you are, Agent Miller. Got so much on your plate, feeling sorry for yourself and shit. By all means, you have to get back to that," said Ms. Hughes calmly. But her words set Carina off like a red cape to a bull.
"FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF? WHAT THE FUCK, HUGHES? I LOST MY FUCKING LEG," yelled Carina, shocked at the other woman's provocative words.
"Oh, boo hoo. So, your life is over? You give up? What kind of a pussy are you? Is that what you do? Wheelchair for the rest of your life? Forget the DEA. The broken bird will never fly again. Forget your career. According to Bryce you are one of the best spies out there. And he's a pretty arrogant guy, so that means a lot coming from him. So, forget all of that … all your training...all that you built and accomplished professionally...walk away from it all because you got hurt," said Brittany, sounding truly pissed off.
"What the fuck do you know, you entitled bitch? I have one leg. And what do you do? You come in here telling me about sex with Larkin. About going dancing tonight. About...having my career and .. and..."
"Don't forget the stairs to my apartment," said Brittany.
"Fuck you," said Carina, with feeling.
For some reason, that made Hughes smile. At that point, she pulled up the legs of her jeans to reveal two prosthetic legs. "Two years ago. Paktika Province, Afghanistan. Landmine."
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About an hour later, Sarah walked across the roof top. Carina was sitting with a brunette she didn't recognize. The two women seemed to be having a serious, if friendly, conversation.
Carina saw Sarah coming and said, "Oh, hey, Blondie. I want you to meet my new friend, Britt Hughes." Britt stood up to greet Sarah.
Sarah shook her hand and said, "Hi, Britt. Nice to meet you. You wouldn't know it from Carina, but my name isn't Blondie, it's Sarah."
"Oh, I know. Heard all about you. Good to meet you, Sarah," said Britt, with a warm smile. "I'm going to leave you guys to it. I have a plane to catch." She laughed a little at her own joke. Turning to Carina she said, "A few weeks, right? And remember, I want your core rock solid by the time you get to me. I want to be able to bounce a boulder off your abs."
"Yes, Ma'am," said Carina, with an insouciant grin. "You'll see. I'm going to be the best patient you've ever had. I'll give you a run for your money."
"I don't know about that, but I do look forward to taking you out for a run," said Britt. She bent down and gave Carina a hug. Then she looked around the sunny roof and took off her baseball cap and slipped it onto Carina's head, murmuring "See ya, Kojak."
"See ya, Britt. Thanks for coming. And thank Larkin. He may be a douchenozzle, but he makes the right call every once in a while."
Britt started to laugh softly as she walked away, "Douchenozzle? Heheh." Carina watched her leave, paying particular attention to how easily Britt was walking. She gestured to Sarah to watch the retreating woman.
Not seeing anything remarkable about Britt as she walked away from them, Sarah sat in the still warm chair and looked at her friend quizzically. "You want me to check out her ass?"
Carina said, "Bryce's PT up in Calistoga. He flew her down this morning to rattle my headspace a bit. I was sitting here planning my life without my leg. When I give up on all the things I love doing. That woman...she lost both legs to an Afghan landmine two years ago. She gave me a pretty serious verbal wallop." Smiling for the first time in many days, Carina looked at the LA skyline and said, "Bryce did good. I'm not quitting. I'm not quitting the DEA. I'm not quitting anything. I promise you, Blondie. I'm going to dance at your wedding. I promise."
"You'd better. I'm going to hold you to that." The two women hugged. "Hey, you took it all off," she gestured to Carina's bald head.
"Yeah, I did. Too Goth with it half long and half gone, so I just evened it out. But I don't want to talk about me. You totally look like shit. You look like you haven't slept in a week. What the fuck?"
"Yeah, that's about right. We had a tough time, Red. Amy's dead," she said woodenly.
Carina gasped and put her hand to cover her mouth, opened with surprise. "Oh, my God. What happened?"
Sarah told her, leaving nothing out. By the time they got to the part where Amy killed herself to save the team, both women were sobbing.
"So, what happened next?"
"Chuck took Pablo's cell phone and called the doctor from the town. He drove out with Father Luis to look to Zondra and drive her back to town. Chuck also used the phone to call DNI Malone and give him the status. Malone mobilized what seemed like the entire American IC in Brazil. That man can really get shit done when he sets his mind to it. Within the hour there was a medevac helicopter inbound from Cruziero do Sol and surgeons standing by at the other end. I went with Z to the hospital in the chopper."
"How is she?" Carina asked.
"She's going to be ok. She's probably got more antibiotics than blood in her system right now. And she's still on a colostomy bag until she's more healed from the surgery, but that's all temporary. They're transferring her here, actually. She should be here tomorrow."
"I see wheelchair races in our future," said Carina. "So then what happened?"
"Casey and Chuck stayed in Pollario while we took Z to the hospital. The priest, Father Luis, had some of the locals lower them on ropes down into the ravine. They collected Amy's body."
"Oh, shit. The bodies of Gaez and all his men were down there. And the trucks and the bridge and...shit. That ravine must have been a mess. Chuckles was down there?"
Sarah paused and her face scrunched with pain, her eyes looking at something a long way from Los Angeles. "Yeah. I understand … Casey told me...it was...it was pretty horrible. The kind of thing to give you and me new nightmares, and we've seen some pretty horrible shit. Yeah. Chuck was down there. He and Casey had … a tough time, but Chuck insisted. Amy was...she was our friend, Red. Chuck insisted on being there with Casey. As bad as it was...Took a long time, into the next day really...Casey told me that Chuck wouldn't stop or sleep or anything until he'd found Amy. Just kept going...and going, through all the...mess." Sarah started to cry a bit.
Carina said, "How is he?"
"Well, he hasn't been sleeping too well lately."
"And I guess you haven't either. Fuck, Blondie. I'm so sorry," said Carina.
Sarah sighed heavily and wiped some new tears from her eyes. "Thanks. Yeah. It sucks. Anyway, Malone arranged for Amy's body to be shipped up here. We're going to bury her in Evergreen in Boyle Heights day after tomorrow. She's got no living family so here is as good as anywhere. Langston and Anna are coming in. Malone too, I think. Beckman's a maybe."
"How did they react when you told them that Gaez was her brother? That she had betrayed the team?"
Sarah looked uncomfortable and said, "Yeah. Well, we didn't. It's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. We agreed to leave that out of the reports. Z took a bit of convincing. She was, understandably, pissed off. Amy's actions with the CATS had arguably fucked up Z's career for years. She still held a lot of anger about that. But in the end she agreed that Amy's redemption … well, yeah. Anyway, Gaez is dead and it doesn't matter anymore. So, we left that part out. So far as the CIA is concerned, she died a hero. No asterisk on that."
"That was a kindness," said Carina quietly.
Sarah shrugged. "I guess." The two women sat in silence for a while until Sarah finally said, "But, it's up to you, Red. You have more of a beef with her than anyone else. At least anyone still living. I told you the whole story to leave it up to you. It's your right. If you want to out her as the mole...as the reason you have one leg...well, it's up to you. We didn't want to take that decision away from you. If you choose to expose her...posthumously, it's your choice. We'll back whatever choice you may make. Adjust our reports accordingly."
"You know I want to hate her. I want to blame her for this," Carina said, gesturing at her missing leg, "but I'm having trouble hating her right now."
"Yeah," said Sarah, wiping some of her tears away. "I know. She told us she didn't know about the bomb beforehand. We believe her."
"Yeah. Based on what she did, I guess I do too."
The two women sat in silence again, staring at the roofs of the buildings stretching out to the horizon.
"Ok. Ok. If she didn't know about it, I won't blame her for it. I can blame her brother, and he's dead. Ok. I'm with you guys. We keep her secret."
Sarah reached out and took Carina's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Thanks."
Carina squeezed her hand back and shrugged. "Yeah. The whole thing fucking sucks for everybody. I have a question, though. What was the kid from the town doing there? I thought you'd said he was supposed to come back when you called him."
Sarah smiled a little bit. "Yeah. That was Chuck. He was worried about a mole on the team. We all were, but he actually did something about it. He put a plan into effect that he didn't tell any of the rest of us about. We all thought Pablo would come when called, but Chuck gave Father Luis other instructions. He had Pablo checking on us at dawn each day. If we weren't where he left us and he hadn't gotten contrary instructions from Chuck personally, he was to go back to town and alert them. Father Luis was to call Bryce and tell him the entire story. Then Chuck would have Pablo, Father Luis and Dr. Vega all hide until the cavalry arrived or they heard from Chuck. He even arranged a code phrase to use in the communication with them, in case he was calling them under duress. He'd trust Bryce to get to Malone and the IC and spin-up a Delta Force rescue or something. At least they'd know where Gaez was even if they just decided to bomb the shit out of it."
"Well, Chuckles was certainly thinking like a spy, but he trusted you, of course. Why not tell you the plan?"
"I had just reconciled with Zondra. He didn't want to jeopardize that. If I knew the plan and I didn't tell her..."
"Yeah. It would show you still didn't trust her. So, he took that burden on himself. Sounds like him. So, when Pablo showed up at dawn, he saw you weren't there, but..."
"Yeah, but he also saw us at the bridge with his sister. He came down the hill to the road with the horses," said Sarah. "Chuck sent him to Amy and me at the foot of the bridge. He thought we could ride away faster from any gunfire from across the gap if we were on the horses."
"That's right," said Carina. They sat in silence for a few moments until Carina asked, "Hey, did Amy look like her mom in the picture?"
"We didn't see it at the time, but in hindsight, knowing the relationship...yeah, I guess so."
Shaking her head, Carina said, "Jesus. Talk about a rock and a hard place."
"Yeah. Anyway, you want to attend her funeral? Just a simple graveside service."
Carina gave it a few moments thought and said, "Yeah. I will. Thanks."
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The heat of summer had turned oppressive almost overnight, and the ceremony was subdued. A hired minister who didn't know Amy said some anodyne words and a couple of prayers. None of the attendees chose to speak, but stood silently sweating. Two cemetery employees lowered the coffin into the ground and began to replace the dirt in the hole.
When it was over, Chuck and Sarah and Casey went back to Echo Park. Ellie and Devon had to go to work. As did Morgan and Eileen. Lou hadn't been able to attend. Ben and Lisa Mattock's limo took them back to Castle Studios. Bryce flew himself back up to Calistoga. Zondra and Carina shared a private ambulance back to the hospital. Anna and Langston Graham headed back to DC. Fitz and his men had been out of town on a mission, but Fitz's wife Megan was there. Malone and Beckman had been unable to get away from their desks to attend.
Driving back from the ceremony in Casey's Crown Vic, Team B was a silent group.
Chuck's phone rang. When he hung up after a few moments he said, "That was a lawyer. A trusts and estates guy from John's office here in town. Amy had contacted him before we left for Brazil. He has a package for us and he's sending a messenger to the apartment. I told him we'd be there in a half hour or so."
About a half an hour later, in Chuck and Sarah's apartment, they had taken off their jackets and cranked the AC up to maximum power when there was a knock at the door. Chuck took the package from the messenger and signed for it. It was addressed to all three of them.
He spilled it out onto the table. There was a letter from the lawyer. It seems that Amy had left it with him with instructions to have it delivered to them if she didn't contact him to stop the delivery. Dead man's handle.
There were two closed envelopes and a thumb drive. The letter instructed them to open the file on the thumb drive first.
Chuck plugged it into his computer and set the TV screen to show them the files. It was a small mpeg. He started the video playing.
Amy appeared on the TV screen, stepping away from the camera that was recording her.
She said to the camera. "Hi, guys. If you are watching this message, I think I'm dead. I set this up with the lawyer as a last message just in case." She looked miserable.
"I'm the mole. I betrayed the CATS before and I'm going to betray Team B now." Amy started to cry. "My mom was a Peace Corps volunteer in Brazil before she had me. Before she got married. She had an affair with a local man there named Gaez. She wasn't supposed to, but she did. She got pregnant and managed to keep the pregnancy secret from her supervisors at the Peace Corps. When she had the baby, she...she left it with the father to raise and came back to the States. That baby was Augusto Gaez. He's my brother..well, half-brother. My mom never told anyone
"She would go down to Brazil when she could. She'd see him. Talk to him. Mother him. Intermittently, I guess. Whatever. I never knew. I just knew she loved Brazil. It must have been pretty inadequate for him... I don't know.
"Anyway, after I joined the Agency and graduated from the Farm my mom was dying of cancer. We were very close, my mom and me. The Agency gave me compassionate leave to be with her while she was in hospice. One day she told me she had an errand for me to do. I was to go to the airport and pick up a man named Augusto Gaez and bring him to see her." Amy was sobbing at this point. "We were literally standing on either side of her bed. She made us take each other's hands and then she told us we were brother and sister. Both he and I were shocked. Neither of us had had any idea. It's why it was never in my CIA files. I hadn't known myself until after all the background checks and shit had been done. Mom made us promise to look out for each other. She'd be gone but we had to look out for each other. She died a few days later, with both of us there by her bedside.
"At the time, he was brokering mercs. He hadn't branched out to the terrorist stuff. He was just a middleman for the private armies that were being thrown around Africa like confetti. When the CATS were sent after him, I...I betrayed you, Sarah. I betrayed the others. I just kept us moving around in the wrong direction. Giving him a heads up when I had to. When you started to suspect a mole, I planted the transmitter in Zondra's boot...tell her I'm sorry, by the way...tell Carina too, please. I never expected that the fallout would destroy the team. I never planned that. But I did it. I did it to protect my brother. To keep the promise I made to my mother.
"And now … it's happening …. all over again." Amy was crying pretty hysterically by this point and she couldn't continue talking. She shut off the camera. A moment later, the message started again, but Amy's eyes were red and puffy. "I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. To have this happen to me twice. I don't want to betray you guys. I've never been happier than I have been these last few months with you. Never in my whole life. I love all three of you. I swear I do. To be forced by fate to …" she looked away and paused to get herself together. "..to choose between you and my brother. It really fucking sucks.
"Chuck, you should know that I am in awe of you. You are the most brilliant man I've ever met, but more than that, you have the most certain moral compass. It's like Casey said in his speech at the party. You are just good. And I've found myself, pretty regularly over the last few months, saying to myself 'what would Chuck do?' It's helped me a lot. And that helped me here. Because when I asked myself that question, I knew that you would do anything to protect Ellie. Anything. So, believe it or not, that has helped me decide what to do.
"Zondra and Carina arrive tomorrow. I've told my brother to leave Rio and hide, but I know this team and I know it won't be that easy. So, I'm expecting the worst. All I want to do is cry and puke and puke and cry, but I've got to put on a smiling face and try to point us in the wrong direction again. But, if you are listening to this message, it means the whole thing has gone to shit for me and I'm dead. Sarah, Casey, I realize that one of the two of you may very well have killed me. Please, please trust me when I tell you that I love you both with all my heart regardless. It's just the way it was meant to be, I think.
"I'm not happy about being dead, of course. There was a lot of stuff I wanted to do... to see. I wanted to be in your wedding, Sarah. I wanted to find a man of my own as wonderful as Chuck and have a romance as life-affirming as what you and Chuck share. I wanted to see Carmichael Industries make its first billion dollars." She barked out a quick laugh, although she was crying again. "But that's not to be.
"Sarah, you're the executrix of my will. It's in one of those envelopes. I've left everything I have to the three of you. The other envelope is my spy will. There's some info in there that you can share with Graham or not, your call. Also, all the info to access my overseas accounts. There's not a fortune in them, but just what I've managed to set aside in case I ever had to run. You guys understand.
"Well, this is getting pretty fucking maudlin, so I'm going to cut it off here before I start sobbing again.
"I hope you don't hate me too much. I hope that maybe in years to come you will remember me sometimes and smile a little. I love all three of you. I love this team. Don't you grimace, Case. I really do. I love you. Goodbye, guys. As Chuck would say, be safe." She reached towards the camera and turned it off.
Sarah and Chuck were crying hard and had been throughout most of the recording, their hearts broken for their friend. Casey wasn't crying, but was making a conscious effort to maintain a poker face, the muscles of his jaws bulging as he clenched them.
Silently, Casey got up from the table and went into the kitchen. He collected three glasses, the Johnny Walker Blue Chuck and Sarah kept just for him, and the Zyr vodka from the freezer. Coming back to the table, he poured them stiff drinks and sat back down. Still crying, Chuck and Sarah raised their glasses of vodka. He raised his scotch.
Sarah said, "To Amy."
As they clicked their glasses together, Casey said, "Poor kid betrayed us, but she did die pretty damn well."
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A/N2: Ancientgamer has connections with the physical therapist community, so I asked him to pick Brittany's name.
A/N3: Brittany's reference to Kojak was to a bald detective in a TV show by the same name.
A/N4: Why? Why did I do this? This arc hit our friends much harder than is usual for me and for New Day. I'm usually a happy ending kind of guy. Angst delivered with a teaspoon and not a backhoe. Why did I do this to the characters, you readers and, yes, even to myself? Chuck versus The CAT Squad was a huge disappointment to me. A traitor on the team is a frightening and potentially heartbreaking development. And I didn't care. I didn't care even a little bit. They introduced Amy and forty-five minutes later she's the traitor and goes to jail. Yawn. Zero stakes. Zero emotional investment in Amy and her relationship with the team and therefore, zero emotional investment in the story. So, in New Day, I asked myself if I could change that. Can I introduce Amy, who everyone knows, from the very first moment you meet her, will betray the team? You know it all along. Never in doubt and no surprises at all. But...and here's the real question...can I make you give a shit? That was the challenge I gave myself. It was the sole reason I put her on the team all those months ago. Everything about Amy and her relationship with our friends was building to this arc. Can I make you care that she's the traitor and feel her anguish and be invested in what happens to our friends as a result? I hope I succeeded in some small measure. I guess you guys will let me know how I did. For what it's worth, I know that some of my readers have been quite upset with me for this decision. (I got a death threat in a review.) Please believe me when I tell you that I personally dealt with this arc as if I was experiencing the death of a close friend. Only sunshine, unicorns and rainbows from me for the foreseeable future, though.