Dear Reader,
I re-read my own work and can see the hand of the Bridgerton books so clearly in the way I write at times! I've got back into my "What was England like in the 1830s?" research groove again, and brimming with ideas. First comes love, then comes conflict…Enjoy.
Christmas came to London, and then it passed. Small presents, ribbons and stockings, books and other small trinkets exchanged. The residents of Leyburn house and their extended family rang in the New Year with toasts and merriment, and then celebrated the Feast of the Magi. Before long, it was time for the greenery and festivities to die down. Soon Charlotte would gather her children and return them to where they belonged: Anthony would go back to school, and the girls to the Abbey with her. Her London friends, generally other Catholics of noble status: the Duke of Norfolk and his family, the Fitzalan-Howards, being the most prominent, as well as the Welds, Throckmortons, de Traffords, Smythes, and so on. It made for like-minded, if repetitive, company.
But since this summer, she had reconnected with the friends of her youth, of her days in Sanditon, and had gradually been brought back into the fold of their social circle. It was an odd amalgamation of entrepreneurs, artists, old money nobility, and some country cousin or another who has been sponsored by their rich connections for a season of fun. Not unlike a young Charlotte, fifteen years before.
The last social engagement before she went home to Yorkshire was a ball held by Tom's daughter, Jenny, now Mrs. David Shannon. It was the first social event she'd put on as a young matron, and Charlotte was eager to support her. And, as Jenny had married a Catholic Irishman, it was deemed a suitable opportunity for Protestants and Catholics to mix. As such, all of Charlotte's in-laws had been invited, from Grandmother Caroline to her sisters-in-law and their families.
She should have been more excited, one last ball, all the people she loved, but Charlotte was apprehensive. Since the quibble with her children at the opera, she'd not seen Sidney once, nor responded to any of his notes or inquiries. He'd even called on her once at Leyburn House, but she'd refused him under the guise of a cold.
By the time the ball began, she was apprehensive, but excited. And then it seemed every member of her family was finding fault in her behavior.
"Mind yourself," said Caroline, her mother-in-law, when Charlotte broke into a smile upon seeing Sidney in the ballroom.
"Please, let me have fun. I just want to dance. Won't you leave me alone?" Tere whined when Charlotte asked her to sit out one set, and let William, the Babington heir, ask someone else to dance, though they were both clearly keen on one another.
"Don't embarrass our name." Said Anthony, catching his mother searching for her lover, looking much older than his fifteen years.
By the time Sidney first approached her for a dance, Charlotte was downright irritable.
"A waltz, dearest?" He asked.
"Not yet." She quipped, and went off in search of her oldest daughter, whose curled hair was spinning around the dance floor.
A quarter of an hour went by. Sidney approached her again.
"The quadrille, then? I remember how you loved it."
"I must speak to Caroline." Charlotte replied.
Dinner was served, eaten, cleared away, and then the dancing resumed. It was past midnight by then.
He found her once more, his hand brushing her elbow softly, just where her silken glove ended and her bare skin began.
"I must have a waltz." He practically breathed onto her neck.
"Would you please stop badgering me? Haven't you done enough of that for one lifetime?" Charlotte snapped, clearly annoyed.
Sidney was taken aback by her sudden change in countenance. His face grew stormy.
"Forgive me madam, for only trying to be polite. I had perhaps hoped that the space of fifteen years would soften your tongue but I see I was too generous." He snarled.
"I could say the same for you Mr. Parker. You'd think the father of two young ladies would know better than to be so unbelievably stubborn." She threw back at him. But the look she gave was not one of anger, but one of longing. Charlotte looked at Sidney as though he'd just kissed her for the first time, not insulted her. And then her cheeks grew red and he knew she was embarrassed.
Charlotte snapped her fan shut and left the ballroom with a swish of her silk skirts. Sidney saw Tom raise an eyebrow at him, and his girls were also staring at the door where Charlotte had just stormed out. He nodded to the three of them and decided it would be best to disappear.
He found her outside the double doors of the ballroom, on the steps of the veranda.
"This is too soon." Charlotte said, knowing he stood behind her.
"Too soon? All I wanted was a dance and now I am on trial for my life."
"You know what you did, what you did then, to deserve my coldness."
"Charlotte it has been fifteen years since…" Sidney trailed off.
"Since you sacrificed me for Sanditon?" Charlotte finished for him. She'd never spoken of it like this before, least of all to Sidney. Her parting words to him had been an exhortation to love his wife.
"Yes." Sidney said quietly.
"It looks like it was well worth it. That place is more than Tom ever dreamed it would be in those days."
"We've had great success, it's true. And nothing stands in our way from being together now." Sidney felt hot guilt coursing through him as he whispered the final words.
"Like I said, it is too soon. And far too late." Charlotte said resolutely. Almost like she was convincing herself.
"Why do you keep saying "too soon?" Sidney asked, stepping forward to stand beside her. Her face was not angry, or sad, but reflective.
"I am a widow Sidney, and a rather recent one at that. No matter how I felt for you then, or feel for you still, my husband has only been gone for a year."
"Forgive me but I don't believe I suggested matrimony between us." Sidney replied with a smirk.
Charlotte hit him with her closed fan.
"I'm also not sure I believe you." Sidney prodded.
"How so sir?"
Sidney offered his arm to her and led her back towards the house.
"I don't believe it is too soon for you to love again."
"How have you arrived at that conclusion?" Charlotte inquired.
He studied her face, but he could not make out her expression.
"Because I know that I have never stopped loving you, and I know you have not stopped loving me."
"I loved my husband Sidney. I never would betray him."
"I don't doubt it. But he is gone now, and I'm here."
This seemed to affect her most deeply. She broke her arm from his.
"How can you be so certain that I return your affection, sir." She said with a wavering voice, walking away. Sidney remained close behind.
"Because you came back to me." He whispered.
Sidney took her arm into his as soon as they were on the veranda, resting his opposite hand on hers as they descended the stairs into the garden. They were no sooner enclosed in a hedge of boxwoods when she then withdrew her arm, only to place her hands upon his shoulders and press a soft kiss to his lips. Sidney could hardly control himself, wrapping his hands about her waist and lifting her up to kiss him once again. They only kissed for a moment or two until Charlotte buried her face in the crook of his neck, clutching his shoulders, while he strengthened his grip about her waist. He felt a few warm tears fall from her face, but held her close. It occurred to him: In youth there is time for sweet nothings and passionate kissing, but when your true love returns to you after many years, all you want to do is hold them and never let go. Sidney sat down on the stone bench behind him, Charlotte's figure cradled in his lap. She released her hold from his neck and he kissed her tear stained cheeks. When he pulled back, he saw that they were not tears of grief, but tears of joy.
"Oh Charlotte, my love." He whispered.
"Your love? Still?" She asked incredulously.
"Always."
"I thought you were still married, when I arrived in Sanditon this summer. I had prepared myself for that reality. I can't believe it." Charlotte stroked the side of his face with her gloved hand.
"I didn't know you were a countess." Sidney smiled teasingly, and kissed her cheek again. Charlotte laughed.
"A long story for another day, perhaps." She replied.
"Perhaps we can discuss it on our honeymoon?" Sidney said, moving his kisses to her neck and exposed shoulder.
"Pardon me?" Charlotte breathed.
"You heard me."
"Darling, I've told you that I've been a widow for just over a year. And you haven't known me since I was a naive twenty year old."
"Marry me, Charlotte. Like we should have done years ago."
"What about the children?" Charlotte stood up in an instant.
"They will understand in time." Sidney said with a wave of his hand. He seemed uncharacteristically unconcerned with the details, but characteristically certain of his sound judgment.
Charlotte began to pace in front of him, her brow wrinkled in frustration. Sidney was all too familiar with this look.
"I'm barely out of mourning Sidney. Don't let your desires drive you mad." She gestured to his trousers with a flick of her hand. It caused Sidney to bark with laughter.
"I quite like Charlotte Heywood, acquainted with the ways of the world."
"Charlotte Dryden, now." She fiddled with her sapphire earrings.
"You should be Charlotte Parker."
"Sidney, please. Sate your lust elsewhere."
"No madam, for that is not my motivation. I've loved you for these fifteen years, and I can't bear to wait another minute. I desire you in every fashion, body and soul."
"This sort of impulsiveness is not your nature. I'm quite worried you will regret having said this in the morning." Charlotte continued pacing.
Sidney once again had her by the waist, and pulled her back to him on the bench. She stood between his legs, her hands again on his shoulders.
"The Charlotte Heywood I knew never withheld what she really thought."
"Sidney…"
"Tell me what you're thinking." He demanded.
Charlotte looked down at her feet, then looked back into Sidney's eyes.
"Of course I'll marry you."
"Tonight?"
"Tonight? That's impossible." Charlotte exclaimed.
"We will take the carriage to my London house and from there we can elope to Scotland."
"Sidney Parker! What a scandal that would be."
"Why of course! We've had our proper marriages, our church weddings already. Let us be ridiculous if only this once." Sidney kissed her neck.
"We've barely had two words between one another save for "Good evening" and "I love you", not to mention we've already quarreled over a trifle."
"Didn't you miss that?" Sidney continued his kisses along her collarbone. Her hands rested in his thick, graying hair.
"Did I miss how you can send me over the edge so easily?" Charlotte breathed out, not measuring the double meaning of her words until it was too late. Sidney did not miss a beat, and pulled away from her neck to give her a grin.
"I'd like to."
"Oh hush." Charlotte replied, kissing his forehead.
"Tell me you still love me and I'll have my man prepare a carriage at this very moment." Sidney gazed into her eyes as he said this.
"I love you, though you do infuriate me." Charlotte replied, stepping back and smoothing her skirts.
"Do you love me enough to spend a few nights in sin, with the promise of matrimony soon?"
Charlotte gave him a withering look.
"You do know that I'm Catholic, Sidney. And raising Catholic children."
"Can Catholics not elope?"
"Pray tell, who shall marry us? An Anglican churchman or a Catholic priest? And if we were to have children, where would they be baptized? And how could I ever face our family priest with such indiscretion." Charlotte sat and spoke her thoughts.
"I have been of the frame of mind that our Maker forgives such things. And you could always return to the Church of England."
"I'm afraid that won't do. I converted to the Church to be with James, and James would have never asked me to do such an improper thing as elope. This faith is the only thing that has held me together after his death."
"Charlotte Heywood mumbling prayers in Latin and praying before statues? That isn't the girl I knew." He tried to joke.
"Charlotte Dryden. Or should you prefer it, your Ladyship. And I'm not going to marry you, when clearly all you care about is preserving some virginal version of me with no knowledge of who I grew into." Charlotte stood up, clearly offended.
"My dear, I promise, I mean no offense." Sidney stammered, trying to eat his teasing words.
They sparred for some time. Funny, how old habits so quickly return. The ferocity of their love matched only by the sharpness of their tongues. But these lovers, quarrelsome as they are, found themselves locked in a fervent embrace again. Finally, Sidney broke it, stood, and grasped Charlotte's hand.
"I'll not make the same mistake twice. I won't waste another minute."
And off they went.