Chapter 8: Uncharted Waters
It was a mild and foggy morning when the Special Ops squad and their commander boarded the modest ship Hizuru had sent to pick them up at Paradis Harbour. Typical weather for mid-autumn down here, far from the Walls.
It seemed so nonsensical to travel in the wrong direction for an entire week when the end destination would have been comparatively close, but they couldn't exactly drop anchor at Liberio's port with one of the Marleyan military ships that had never returned, claiming they were Hizuru's guests. No, for that ruse to work, they'd have to go through the zealous ordeal of travelling all the way to Hizuru, discreetly debark there, and go on board of a proper liner ready to transport hundreds of people overseas, journeying the long way from Hizuru to the Marleyan mainland. Nine additional people of an origin better left unmentioned wouldn't draw any attention, hopefully, not with the preparations Kiyomi Azumabito had made for them.
Assuming none of them would arouse suspicion, Nora thought, for example by acting like they were seeing the real world for the first time—which was exactly the case. Good thing Sasha and Connie, in particular, could get part of their excitement out on the arduous trip to Hizuru before them, while it was just the nine Scouts plus a small crew on the boat.
Their first day on board, Connie wouldn't stop rambling nervously and making jokes that were definitely not suited for the ears of people outside the Walls, while Sasha went on and on about all the different foods she was going to try. To be fair, Hange didn't set the best example as their commander; she'd been commenting on and asking questions about every little thing she discovered on the boat, covering everything from lifebuoys to "Which side is starboard?" to "Why is it called starboard?"
"…and the desserts! Niccolo told me all about them. There's chocolate, which is made out of some sort of beans but is still used for sweets," Sasha was saying when they all sat together below deck after supper. When it came to food-related facts, she could retain a lot of information. "Oh! And ice-cream! It's supposed to be super tasty even though it's very cold, and there's all kinds of different flavours—"
"Ugh. Please, no more talking about food." Nora's stomach churned at the word, the knot at the base of her throat tightening. Saliva had gathered in her mouth, and she found she had a hard time swallowing. She propped her elbows on the round table, supported her forehead with her hands for a few measured breaths. "Anyone else feeling a bit queasy?"
"No," Levi said, frowning at her. The others concurred by shaking their heads.
"It's probably your nerves," Hange supplied helpfully.
"It's not nerves," Nora snapped. At least, not exclusively. "It's this stupid, rocking ship." Even sitting down here, she could feel it moving.
"Well, I'm kinda nervous," Armin admitted, all the while smiling like a child the night before his birthday. "But this—venturing beyond the Walls, beyond the sea—is exactly what we've always been working towards, and we come well prepared, right? For once, the risk of something going wrong should be reasonably low."
Hopefully, he was right about that; Nora was painfully aware of how unarmed she was. That far from everything she'd ever known, she felt uncomfortably naked without her gear and weapons. A knife, soon to be hidden away in her boot, was all she had to defend herself.
"And if everything goes pear-shaped," Connie said, "I hope your titan can swim, Nora. Go big and go home, get it?" He waggled his eyebrows, grinning a big, toothy grin.
"Not helpful, Connie," Mikasa said. Jean smacked him upside the head.
"It's true, though." Eren's thoughtful gaze was cast down to the glass of water he was turning in his hand. "If worst came to worst, we could maybe escape with our titans and make our way to Paradis on the Colossal's back."
Nora grimaced. Now that was a mental image. And definitely not something she ever wanted to test out.
"As amusing as the thought of using her as a hideous, oversized raft is," Levi said dryly, ignoring the glare she threw him, "it wouldn't be ideal if we exposed Hizuru as our ally in the process."
Eren shrugged, lips twitching. "What's one more problem? We'll just add it to the list." He looked up then, his composed façade slipping to reveal mild alarm, as if he had, for a moment, forgotten whom he had just answered. "Er, sir," he hastened to add.
Maybe he hadn't changed as much as Nora had feared.
"Don't be so cynical, Eren." She gave a wry, wobbly smile, splaying one hand over her upset stomach. "It can always get worse."
#
The salty breeze had cooled considerably at night. Yet, she welcomed the sensation on her face, welcomed the fresh air in her lungs. It helped a bit.
Nora was leaning heavily on the railing like a sack of potatoes, head lolling on her crossed forearms, which were slowly growing numb with the metal fencing digging into them. Below her, the waves lapped against the bow of the ship, dictating the rhythm of the gentle sway beneath her feet; ceaselessly keeping her body in constant motion, allowing her sense of equilibrium not a moment's peace.
Soothing, Mikasa had called it earlier. Laughable.
"You're going to freeze your ass off if you stay out here."
She barely flinched at the sound of Levi's voice in her back—she hadn't really expected him to be asleep below deck—but righted herself slowly from her undignified position, careful not to make any sudden movements, her hands clasping the cold metal.
"If the alternative is that stifling, bloody awful bunk below deck, I'll take my chances," Nora grumbled.
He came to stand an arm's length from her, leaning with his hip against the rail. "Now aren't you in a chipper mood." He sized her up with tired, expressionless eyes, exuding about as much compassion as a stone.
"How can I be anything but ecstatic when I'm trapped on a vessel without any means of escape, surrounded by nothing but tons of water, the destination nowhere to be seen, and the fucking thing won't. stop. swaying." When she didn't get any reaction from him, not even the slightest raise of an eyebrow, she continued her rant. "I feel too sick to eat properly, which in turn makes the nausea even worse, and on top of it, lying down makes it worse, too, so trying to fall asleep is an absolute nightmare."
"I can't believe that is coming from a woman who enjoys flying through the air like a raving lunatic." Levi reached out, and she tensed immediately, half expecting he'd flick her forehead. But instead, the tips of his fingers brushed her temple, tucking back a loose strand of hair. Goosebumps rose on her arms, and she was pretty sure they had nothing to do with the cool sea breeze.
All her bodily discomfort somehow couldn't prevent the small grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Is that why you picked me for your squad, on my first day? Because I was butchering those training dummies like a 'raving lunatic'?"
"Pretty much. Did you think it was your winning personality?"
She tsked—she was obviously spending too much time with him—rolling her eyes. No need to call him out on his hypocrisy, once again, when he was so clearly riling her up on purpose. If it was meant to be a distraction, it worked.
"That's completely different, though," she explained. "With ODM, I have control, and I get to decide which way my body gets pushed. I can stop anytime and don't have to deal with this endless rocking."
"Tsk. You don't have any problems with carriages, either. No matter what you're doing in them. I can attest to that." The pitch of his voice had dropped, deep with innuendo, and something in his eyes changed, grew more intent.
Her body went warm all over as the memory of the trip he was referring to flooded her mind; how she'd been fed up with how they'd been avoiding each other after they'd first slept together. The inescapable tension between them in the cramped carriage, and what he had said. How she hadn't been able to help herself, and how she'd ended up on her knees before him because she had so badly, desperately wanted to taste him, and fuck, he had been so—
Stop it, she silently scolded herself, this is not the time. For one thing, there would be no opportunity to act on such thoughts in the near future, and for another, they were probably plain for him to read from her face.
"Well, then fuck if I know what's the damn problem with this bloody ship," she said. Averting her gaze to her clammy hands on the railing, she added in a much softer voice, "That trip to the capital back then was definitely more entertaining than this."
"I'll say," Levi muttered. Somehow, she could tell he was still looking at her. After a beat of silence, he said, "Still the best goddamn carriage ride of my life."
Nora's heart leapt in her chest as her eyes met his, and she was gladder than ever that the only sources of lighting came from the wall lamp of the deck enclosure several metres behind them, and from the half-full moon. Her tone of voice was far easier to school into nonchalance than her face. "I should hope so. Or else I'd have to ask you what the hell you and Hange are doing when you're travelling without me."
Levi gave a small, disapproving grunt. "Don't be nasty." His dark, sharp brows arched almost imperceptibly, and he added as an afterthought, "But, come to think of it, I'll allow it for certain instances."
A prickling sensation ran over her skin, raising the fine hairs on her nape. Dammit, he really wasn't going easy on her, tonight. "You realise we're on a mission? Not quite the ideal opportunity for doing the kind of nasty you seem to have in mind." She worked hard to keep her voice light and airy.
"You don't need to remind me." He folded his arms in front of his chest, cocked his head the slightest bit, surveying her like an insect under a magnifier. "Maybe I just get a kick out of turning you on." He spoke softly, unhurried. "Without having to touch you, even."
Of course, he had noticed. There was no point in denying it; he never missed even the faintest reaction, the tiniest twitch from her.
Once, he would have left such observations unacknowledged. Once, she would have needed to goad him into admitting to anything related to him and her; and if she was being perfectly honest, it had been the same the other way round. She liked to think she'd improved somewhat in that regard.
"How times have changed," Nora mused, trying to ease the dangerous, electrifying tension crackling in the air between them. "You once told me we were a shit idea, with shit timing to boot."
Any hint of playfulness disappeared from his posture; the muscles in his arms seemed to tense. "That's one thing that hasn't changed. Doesn't mean you aren't the best fucking thing that's ever happened to me." He said it evenly and with a straight face, eyes vacant and unblinking as they continued to bore into hers.
For a brief period of time, all noise ceased for her; even the ocean, lapping against the hull of the ship, fell quiet. A frown crept on Levi's face, deepening the longer he watched hers; Nora was dimly aware she had frozen in place, feeling kind of numb and lightheaded, her pulse thumping in her ears.
"You gonna puke, after all?" he asked, breaking the spell he had put her under with his unexpected, inconceivable statement.
"No, I…" She cleared her throat, searched for something to say, but her head was strangely empty, except for one simple, new truth.
The best fucking thing that had ever happened to him.
Shit. She should have said something, she wanted to say something, but she somehow couldn't, and now she had missed her chance, and he didn't even seem to expect her to say anything in return.
Damn, but how much she wanted to kiss him.
She focused on his impatient expression, slightly shaking her head to clear the haze in her brain, and finally answered his question. "I feel far better out here. Though I do want to heave if I think too hard about where we're going." Her seasickness had disappeared almost completely, by now, leaving behind nothing but a queasy feeling in her stomach and slight vertigo. And the fresh air hadn't been the only thing that had helped.
But nothing could make her forget for long that they were headed straight for enemy territory, and all her eagerness didn't change that she was well aware of exactly what would happen if they blew their cover. She did not possess Armin's optimism.
"The stink there probably won't be any worse than inside the Walls," Levi deadpanned, and her worries were reduced to background noise, once more.
"Very reassuring, thanks." Rolling her eyes as though she had, at this moment, any capacity to be annoyed with him, she turned and faced him fully, took a step closer.
Took him in; how his slate-grey eyes seemed glued to her, how the severity of his features was played up by the dim lamplight casting shadows from his sharp cheekbones over the hollow planes beneath.
Fuck it. She was absolutely going to kiss him.
"Sarcastic brat." The volume and pitch of his delectable voice had lowered again, taking away nothing from the sudden heat in his timbre.
"I learned from the best." She sounded somewhat short of breath, didn't really pay attention to what she was saying, anymore.
"There was nothing left for me to teach you in that regard." He had pushed away from the railing, mirroring her stance, tilting his head down to her face.
"Sweet-talker," Nora whispered, and not just in answer to his last statement.
Her gaze had lowered, transfixed on his lips.
The best fucking thing, indeed.
Before she could think better of it, she closed the few inches of distance left between their faces and pressed her lips to his.
###
Eren woke from his dreams the same way he usually did: all at once, and burning with rage; his own and that culminated from dozens of his predecessors fighting dozens of different battles that were all the same, in the end. His mind brimming with countless memories from many different times and people and places and names.
For a few heavy, laboured breaths, their pain was his, their fury was his, amplifying his own a hundredfold. Then, it always faded, leaving behind his thundering heartbeat and a deep-seated, crawl-out-of-his-skin kind of frustration, and that sinking sense of disillusionment he had become so familiar with over the past year or so.
Was it a him thing, or an Attack Titan thing, that he could see that far into the past? Either way, seeing all those memories didn't help shit; there was nothing new to be learnt from them. Not anymore.
He used his sleeve to wipe the cold beads of sweat from his forehead and stood from his bunk, hoping he wouldn't wake the others. Good thing Horseface was snoring over the creaking of the floorboards.
He had to get out of here, had to get moving to rid himself of his excess energy. Had to ensure that this was reality, and that he really was where he thought he was: on a ship with his comrades, in the middle of an ocean that belonged to no one.
On their long, stony path to freedom.
The sea was calm in the night, the moon casting a faint, shimmering glow over the endless expanse of water around them.
Eren was already halfway around the deck when he saw that he wasn't alone out here, not even this late. He froze, just shy of rounding the corner and stepping out of the shadow and into sight.
At the railing on the upper deck stood Nora and Captain Levi.
And they were kissing.
This was… well, it shouldn't be unexpected, but here he was. It was a bit of a shock, really. While everyone in the Regiment knew the two of them were a thing—it hadn't been anywhere close to a secret for a long time, already for the fact that they shared living space—Eren had barely ever seen them touch, aside from brief, unobtrusive gestures that were easy to miss. It was safe to say public displays of affection weren't their thing. They never embraced or held hands or anything like that in front of others, and he had certainly never seen them kiss.
So yes, this was kind of unexpected, and not at all how he thought they would…
The way they were absorbed with each other, pressing together from head to toe; it was the most intimate thing he had ever witnessed. And he had, on occasion, stumbled across fellow soldiers screwing in an alley or a bathroom. But it had been nothing like this.
They kissed like there was nothing more important in the world than this very moment. Like they were breathing the other. The captain's hands were at the small of Nora's back and in her hair, holding her close. Her arms were wrapped tightly around his middle, fingers clutching his shirt at the back.
Eren stood pressed against the enclosure of the deck, just staring for a few seconds, blindsided by the turn this night had taken.
Why the hell was he still watching them? Not that what he saw was… terribly inappropriate or anything, but… This wasn't meant for anyone to be seen. This was all theirs.
Their mouths separated, mere inches between them, and how they looked at each other…
He wouldn't have thought it possible that either of them could look like that. Least of all the captain.
Something about it gave Eren a pang to the chest. While what he had just witnessed was unique and highly personal—and private, dammit—there was a strange familiarity to their gazes that made him ache. For something he had lost, or was missing, or would lose, he couldn't say.
But he would surely remember if someone had ever looked at him like that.
On his way back to his bunk, careful not to make any noise as he crept along the wall, it hit him like a ton of bricks on the head—what it had reminded him of.
All of a sudden, he thought of Mikasa, kneeling with him in the grass as he was screaming and sobbing uncontrollably. Her smile so warm and honest and unguarded, gazing at him with tears in her eyes, the tiniest droplets catching in her long, black lashes, her face so impossibly close it blotted out everything else for one fleeting yet lingering moment; even the death and screams and carnage surrounding them. Even the titan coming for them.
And then she had said what had given him the strength and determination to stand up again and face the titan that had once been his father's first wife and had taken everything from him—his home, his mother, his childhood—and wanted to take everything from him again. And he had known: No. Not this time, not under his watch, never again. He would fight to his last breath despite all odds, even if it had to be with his bare hands. Even if he would go down with his enemies.
That crucial moment, her words, had stayed with him since then.
Thank you for being with me. Thank you for teaching me how to live. Thank you for wrapping this scarf around me.
AN: I hope the pacing is still okay-ish to read. Very much unlike the source material, I'm handling this story in a chronological fashion, so there's maybe less chaos, but also more buildup. In addition to that, we have the romance that's at least as important as the non-romantic plot. I'd say it will balance out a bit more, later on.
In both matters, I definitely plan to have all the buildup pay off, and not only once.