Chapter 23: Last Chances

And here they were, back on that blasted, rocking boat again. This time, however, Nora didn't feel sick because of the constant swaying beneath her feet, but rather owed to the sense of déjà vu. Unlike herself, the sea was calm, gentle waves caressing the hull of the boat.

She was clutching the cold, iron railing so hard her fingers hurt. The others were laughing and making a ruckus at the back, far enough she couldn't understand what they were saying. Levi had joined her once again, though, and one look at her had sufficed for him to gather how on edge she was. He probably knew why, but he asked regardless. Nicely.

"What are you doing here, sulking all on your own?"

She didn't have the energy to engage in verbal sparring. Besides, he wasn't exactly wrong. So, she simply explained. "They all seem excited about that forum. Hange and Armin, especially. And I..." Nora wavered, looking over her shoulder, where Paradis Island had become nothing more than a speck on the horizon. "I really don't want to go again. Not in the slightest."

Levi nodded, clearly not surprised. "Is it because of Niccolo's brother?"

"No, not that," she said, mentally amending, not only that. "It's just… the trip takes weeks, it's such a drag. I feel like I constantly have to be on guard—even more than back in Paradis—and the city is…" It's not home. Her mouth twisted in distaste. "I don't like the place much. Or all the people."

Hands in his pockets, Levi considered her for a few seconds before he spoke, his expression—she didn't know what, just that she hadn't seen it on him before. "It's not at all like, let's say, a house near the coast in the middle of nowhere, is it?"

With the aid of his voice, she could decipher the look on his face; it was nostalgia.

Something squeezed at her heart, melancholic, yet warm and sweet. "I…" She let go of the railing, shifting on her feet. "Yeah."

He had never before brought it up, that utopian future they had dreamt up once. He likely thought it was barely more than a delusion. And she could not disagree with him there. They'd indulged in the fantasy that once, but they'd both known from the start that this… that they were temporary—far more temporary than what would be normal. And they spent each and every day with that knowledge in mind.

It was safe to say they were making the most out of the time they had, but it was also a reason why they might still be holding back in some regards. That went for her, at least, she had come to realise, even if it was nothing more than a vague notion that scared her to death. It would be her death, if he ever—

No. She wouldn't go there.

But Nora couldn't say if he was holding back anything, or if what he gave her was all there was. Which was a lot, no complaints there. Again, scary enough, already—and more than she had ever thought possible, considering who he was, all he'd been through.

"You can allow yourself to relax there, though, every now and then," Levi said, taking her by surprise, thankfully putting an end to her brooding. "No one is gonna sneak up on me."

So she could relax, at least in the safety of the Azumabito mansion, but he wouldn't. She opened her mouth to argue, but closed it again; she wouldn't be able to sway him. Levi never relaxed, probably not even in the four-or-something hours he slept. After that intense nightmare he hadn't been able to hide from her, it was even more evident.

Nora trusted that his self-assessment was correct, no doubt. Something in her chest warmed when she realised he had managed to calm her down, make her feel… safe. Or something as close to it as was possible.

For once not caring that they were within sight of the others, she couldn't resist the urge to step into his space, hugging him close, burying her face in the crook of his neck.

He didn't pull away; tentatively, he wrapped his arms around her middle, splaying his hands on the small of her back.

Nora forgot her surroundings.

To her, every inch of him was exactly as it should be, head to toe. She wouldn't change a single thing, inside and out. His height, for example, which people often talked about and she strongly suspected he had some sort of hang-up with; he fit against her perfectly, while still being broader and taller than her. When his strong arms enveloped her frame, or when she had to stretch and tilt her chin up just a little to kiss him, or when his distinctly male, long-fingered hand took hers, much smaller, in his. Her heart still leapt every time he did it, only ever when it was just the two of them.

It fit, they fit, and she couldn't imagine anything else.

She breathed him in, deeply.

She could smell the change of season on his skin. His intoxicating aroma was always unmistakable, but the temperature, and their location—near the sea, in the forest, at the HQ back in Shiganshina—would bring forth different subtle, delicious, underlying flavours. Salty or spicy or sweeter than usual. Add to that black tea by day and mint by night, and just when she thought she might get used to his maddening, irresistible pull, someday, the season would change again; spring would bleed into summer, and his scent would grow even headier, weakening her knees whenever he—

"Are you sniffing me again, you weirdo?"

"Don't ask questions you know the answer to," she said, not for the first time citing him, smiling against his skin.

His arms around her tightened.

"Smartass," he murmured.

#

To say the forum was a disappointment would have been the understatement of the year.

The people taking the podium did talk about the abysmal conditions in the internment zones. About how people of different origins all deserved the same rights.

But then, at last, Paradis was mentioned.

"However," said a foreign politician—neither Marleyan nor from the Mid East—during a long-winded speech, "we cannot ignore the current situation, posing a threat to all of us. It might be true that Marley started the present war with Paradis—" Here, the man paused, casting a look over the packed room, heavy with meaning. "—but this doesn't make the devils inside the Walls any less dangerous." And in a grave voice, he delivered the death blow. "A hundred years ago, King Fritz threatened the world with the Rumbling, should anyone dare disturb their peace. And it might very well be that, now that it has happened, this is exactly what those devils plan to do. We cannot just idly stand by; we have to meet this threat head-on, as a united front."

#

Eren didn't bother hearing the rest. Nora followed him outside, following her gut-feeling that she shouldn't leave him alone.

"I'm fed up with this," he said under his breath as soon as she had caught up with him. His fists were clenched so hard his knuckles had turned white. "We might as well deliver on that man's assumptions."

Not for the first time, she barely recognised the young man opposite her. Shaking her head, she whispered, "We cannot and will not destroy the whole sodding world."

He remained steadfast, ignoring her objection. "We should contact Zeke and get him out of there as soon as possible."

It was as if he'd forgotten all about their discussion after her visit to her grandfather. "Do you really trust him?" Nora asked, sceptical.

"I don't need to trust Zeke to use him."

"You mean we."

The crease between Eren's brows deepened as he regarded her. "I'm not sure."

Nora needed to compose herself before she answered. Otherwise, she would surely have lashed out at him, only exacerbating the situation. "We'll strike eventually," she told him evenly. "If we can't end this war the diplomatic way, first."

"Do you really believe this can end without bloodshed? After this shitshow in there?" He jerked his arm toward the auditorium they had just exited.

"No," she admitted. And she hated it. Regardless, there were nuances to this option—but Eren had never been a man of nuances. After several seconds of deliberation, Nora said, appeasing, "We'll talk to Hange when we all had a chance to process this. But before we do something so drastic as attack, we need to plan the infiltration of the Research Society. This might just be what we need to even give us a chance to defend ourselves without risking—"

Stubborn as a mule, he interrupted her before she could make her point, agitated. "Hange won't listen to you. She isn't willing to take any risks at all."

"Will you keep it down, please?" she hissed, casting a glance around the deserted corridor.

He was being unfair. Hange was nothing if not a risk-taker—but no matter what Levi said, their commander was neither mental nor suicidal. Nora didn't know anymore if this applied to Eren, as well.

Her eyes narrowed at him, she whispered, "You're starting to sound like Floch."

He didn't try to deny it, didn't even seem taken aback by her accusation. A bad sign. "Maybe he has a point. At least he wants to do something."

Shit. Heat accumulated in her stomach, a strange mix of indignation and alarm. "Eren." She grabbed his forearm. To her surprise, he didn't pull away. "Has there been a single day in your life where you haven't been angry?"

His eyes went so cold Nora let go of him as if she'd burnt herself. "Not since they all but annihilated us," he said, as deliberately as she had spoken. "Not since I watched my mother getting eaten."

#

The nine of them talked in the late afternoon, back at the mansion, the mood in the room subdued, to say the least. Defeated.

Once again, Eren stated his opinion, though much more levelheaded than he had earlier. But he insisted on contacting Zeke while Marley was still busy fighting the Mid East, and he did talk about the Rumbling. About trampling down all of Marley, if necessary. Ignoring how that would aggravate their conflict with every other nation.

"Zeke can't be trusted," Hange said. "You know what could happen. Besides, Kiyomi is talking to some of the politicians who attended the forum right as we speak." One look at Eren's expression, and she hastened to add, "I'm not saying you're in the wrong here—but have you considered neither of us might be? At this point, I don't know if it will be inevitable to make them listen by moving against Marley, and ideally, while the world still hates them as much as they hate us. They might not listen without fear as one of the factors. But it's still not the right time." Hange paused, covering every point Eren had addressed. "And even if we decided to work with Zeke, how are we supposed to get him out without a fight? Without Marley knowing that he's alive and with us? A fight we aren't ready for, yet," she repeated, emphatic. "All that's left for us at the moment is cooperating with Zeke from afar and telling him we're following his plan. We still need more time. He doesn't need to know we're looking for other solutions."

"You heard those people, today," Eren said. "It's either us or them. We might as well tell Zeke to leave immediately, get this over with, and start the Rumbling now."

"No," Hange told him firmly. "We won't flatten an entire continent. If that would even be possible if you touch Zeke, in the first place. We have other options."

"Then we need to strike soon, at least. Try and take their titans from them, while they're weakened from the war. Within the year."

Jean's eyes went wide, and he gave a disbelieving shake of his head. "Still a suicidal maniac."

"Look," Hange said, "what has gone down today doesn't change a thing about our current situation. And we already talked about the consequences, over and over."

Eren shifted in his seat, turning his back on her. "Nora," he said, imploring, and she got the feeling it was his very last try. "You said you don't believe that threatening them is enough, either. You said we'll have to wait until after we've gathered more information in Marley. Well, now we know more, and it wasn't what we hoped for."

"Yeah, but… Hange has a point. If we strike first, it will make achieving peace in the aftermath that much harder. But if we were to act in self-defence…" When Eren opened his mouth to reply, she added, "I'm not saying we'll go along with the fifty-year-plan, and neither is Hange. Not even close. Historia's children will probably never have to take over the burden; all this will end much sooner, one way or the other." She shrugged, as if she wasn't just discussing the very real possibility of their imminent extinction. "But we need one or two more years. And that's me being optimistic." What she didn't add was that she, too, wasn't sure if they had them. "Zeke has got until 854, at least, before he can't use his titan anymore. And nobody knows if this would even affect his ability to activate the Founder."

"If we wait till then, it might still be too late for Historia, herself."

"But it wouldn't necessarily be a death sentence for her, just like for you two," Armin interjected.

"I'm sorry, Eren. But we can't attack now," Hange said, voice tight. "Everyone hates us enough as is."

He met her eyes, his features tense. "Is that your last word?"

"For now and the immediate future, yes. We'll re-evaluate the situation at a later point. Maybe we've learnt more, by then."

Nora saw her chance and took it, trying and failing to hide her eagerness; her pulse had steadily been rising throughout this difficult conversation. "In other words, one of our problems is still our lack of knowledge, isn't it? So, instead of an all-out attack, how about we first focus on the Titan Biology Research Society? If we infiltrated the facility, get us an expert—"

Hange was quick to shut her down. "That would be a suicide mission, at this point. And a shot in the dark. We don't know who or what to look for."

Disappointment had Nora's heart drop like a stone. She couldn't give this up without a fight; she didn't want to prove Eren right, and time was running. She had been mulling this over and over in her head for months, and couldn't help but believe that this was the best course of action, for now. "I think we should risk it. Spy on them, then infiltrate the building and hope we find someone suitable."

"Right," Levi said. "Talk to a friendly person in there and ask for directions, while we're at it. That'll sure work out nicely."

She knew perfectly well what she was suggesting here, so his comment was absolutely unnecessary. Her answering glare surely got the message across.

"I'm with Levi, here." Hange gave an apologetic squeeze to Nora's upper arm. "We can't do this until Kiyomi Azumabito finds someone who knows about the layout of the facility. Someone who is willing to cooperate with us. Then, maybe, we can consider working with Zeke or find a better solution."

For the first time ever, Nora had doubts about one of Hange's decisions. She bit her lip, considering arguing her point.

But it was Hange. Her best friend, whose assumptions had never been wrong for as long as they'd known each other. One of the two people she trusted most in the world.

"So we still won't do shit?" Eren asked then, his voice devoid of any emotion.

Hange twitched a little, but she held his rebellious gaze with resolve. She straightened, and said with determination, "If you insist on calling it that, then yes. But only for now."

He sought first Nora's eyes, then Armin's, but neither of them disagreed. No one around the table did. They followed the commander's lead, as they should.

Lastly, Eren's gaze landed on Mikasa, and stayed there.

She gave a minute shake of her head. "I just want you to be safe, Eren," she said, almost whispering.

"I see. Alright." His answer suggested he was giving in, but it lacked any conviction, was uttered with nothing but resignation.

Nora got the stomach-churning feeling that something awful had just happened.

It was really, really not alright. His expression had closed off, only increasing her unease.

Wordlessly, he stood up, turning to go.

"Eren, wait," Mikasa called after him, equal parts crestfallen and alarmed.

He ignored her, unwavering in his step, not even looking back over his shoulder.

Seconds later, he was out the door.

###

Eren was sitting in the neatly trimmed grass at the pond behind the Azumabito estate—because of course they had a pretty, little pond, covered with water lilies in full bloom. Deep in thoughts he couldn't escape from, he was picking up small stones from its enclosure, throwing them into the water, aiming at the blossoms. The stones disappeared beneath the surface immediately, taking the lilies with them, leaving behind nothing but the ripples from their impact. A moment later, the plant would re-emerge, persevering, if somewhat worse for the wear.

Soft steps behind him alerted him of someone's presence. He stood up when he saw it was Mikasa. He had wanted to be alone, at least for a little while. Yet, for some reason, she was the one person whose company he didn't mind, right now. He was at once sure she wouldn't bring up the subject again.

"I was looking for you all over," she said. Eren could hear the worry in her voice, making his heart twinge. Her concern had become ever-present in the past year or so, and he didn't know why. "Please, don't run off like that. I was worried."

"Sorry," he said automatically, pondering her, pondering what she had said.

They fell into a silence that was familiar, comfortable, and awkward all at once. The last sentiment was newer than the rest, and he was pretty sure it was just in his head, all him. But still, he couldn't shake it off. When it was like this, when it was just the two of them, it was hard not to get lost in her dark-grey eyes. He'd known for an eternity they looked blue-black in a certain light.

Maybe the awkwardness had come together with that thing he had been wanting to ask, even though he shouldn't. He shouldn't, he really, really shouldn't, and he was sure he wouldn't like the answer.

But it was now or never.

"Mikasa," he heard himself say. "Why is it that you care so much about me?" He had long since wondered, even before he'd got that strange urge to ask her this; he wasn't exactly the easiest person to be around. He wasn't pleasant.

"Huh?" She seemed taken off-guard by the question, clearly confused, and he didn't understand why.

All of a sudden, he needed to know, no matter what. He needed to know before he…

"Is it because I saved you as a kid? Or is it because I'm… family?" A strange feeling spread in his chest, something complex that he couldn't quite grasp; he could only identify apprehension… and greed. And hope against all hope. Eren barely noticed that he had stepped closer, tilting his chin to watch her face. "What am I to you?"

Mikasa froze, looking up at him with impossibly wide eyes. Her lips opened and closed soundlessly—and it struck him right then how rosy and soft they looked, not at all the lips one would associate with the fierce soldier she was—but hers, all the same, and he had seen them thousands of times, already, but he had rarely seen them—

"You…" she whispered, stammering. "You are… I…"

For the blink of an eye, out of nowhere, that memory of Nora and the captain on the boat, months ago, flashed in his mind, and Eren suddenly understood. Before he knew it, he was so close he could only see Mikasa's face, feel the warmth radiating from her, and she was not backing away. Shallow, accelerated puffs of air left those lips, caressing his throat, and suddenly he was feeling tingly and too hot all over, electrified, like in the split second before transforming. Filled with that sense of anticipation. He was aware of her as he had not been aware of another person ever before, everything he was seeing and feeling as familiar to him as the back of his own hand, yet entirely new.

Still discernible in the waning light of progressing dusk, a blush bloomed across her nose and cheeks, her long, black lashes fluttering as she blinked up at him, and if he took just another tiny step, he would feel her rapidly rising and falling chest against his, might be able to find out how those lips—intimately familiar only on sight—would feel on his own…

But she was still silent, stiff and unmoving, still watching him wide-eyed—and cornered. A look he'd barely ever seen on her face.

She looked afraid. Mikasa, afraid, because he was so close he could smell her breath, sweet and delicious like ice-cream, and her skin. Smell home.

Shit. This was Mikasa. What was he doing? What the hell had he expected she would say?

Eren was harshly torn out of his stupor. He stepped back, opening his mouth to say something, anything, though he didn't know what could erase his strange behaviour from the last minute, but then her hand shot out and clasped his wrist.

And she took a step forward.

And here he was, thinking again about kissing Mikasa, his heart hammering against his ribcage, threatening to burst, and when his head lowered without a conscious decision, her glazed eyes fluttered shut, lashes resting against the porcelain skin of her cheekbones, and her chin tilted upward.

Eren brushed his lips against hers and then he wasn't really thinking, anymore.

They were as soft as they'd looked. At first, their kiss was slow and gentle, almost hesitant, probing and inquisitive. The world stood still for a moment; everything, even the two of them, seemed to stand still. But his mouth moved on instinct, her plush, lower lip between his, and when her lips parted further and their tongues met, oh so slowly, so perfectly slowly, Mikasa sighed into his mouth, and it was the best sound he had ever heard, the best thing he had ever tasted.

He barely felt the iron grip she had on his wrist, couldn't remember when her other hand, hot and shaking, had come up to cradle his jaw; or when his free arm had wrapped around her waist, holding her so close he could feel the press of her soft breasts against his chest.

Shit, this was… He hadn't known, had had no way to imagine, even though he sometimes had, unwillingly and confusingly, in the darkness of the night. He was losing control, and it didn't matter. Nothing mattered other than this, all his senses filled with her and nothing else.

They found an unhurried, maddeningly perfect rhythm after he did not know how long, tasting and exploring and just feeling. Like this was how it should always have been, like it had been inevitable.

Finally, sadly, their mouths separated, because they had to breathe, and because good things could never last. He was unwilling to let go of her, though, and Mikasa didn't pull away, either. Both of them were panting, and his heart was aching, as was his groin. And she looked at him exactly like she had, back then in the grass, surrounded by titans, a small smile playing around swollen lips, but instead of tears there was a strange, determined heat in her dark, dark eyes, something that was definitely new; and it was, without a doubt, the best thing he had ever seen.

Eren wanted to say something, though he didn't know what, and he wanted to kiss her again, but she took a small step back, letting go of him, opening her mouth to speak—

"There you are!" Connie's voice pulled him harshly back to reality. "C'mon, you two; we got booze!"

One last look at Mikasa's expression confirmed that she was just as startled as him. Eren squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. He let out a long, measured breath through his mouth, and turned to face the source of the rude interruption.

Considering what would happen, what he was planning to do, he should be glad about it. It was for the better.

This had been his one and only, his last chance. And now, this would be his last chance to be with his closest friends.