Chapter 39: Intervention
The day after Hange and Nora returned from Shiganshina, it was time for another round of negotiation in the hospital ward—while that excellent dinner was still fresh on Ayad's mind; one couldn't win a war without tactical manoeuvring.
"For a start," he said once Hange had opened the discussion, "I would be willing to answer some questions in exchange for proper lodgings and a modest allowance, the permission to move around in public—under supervision, if you insist. I would certainly appreciate not being secluded any longer. In other words, nothing fancy in exchange for nothing fancy. For now. Only what cooperating Marleyans receive, right?"
Hange nodded eagerly. Really, she had never in her life heard of the concept of a poker face. "Would you tell us some more about your research? Maybe translate the documents in your first language for us?"
The doctor gave a small, tight-lipped grin. "Not yet."
Leaning against Levi's bed with her arms folded (Ayad occupied her sodding chair), Nora cast her eyes to the ceiling. "Figured. That's the real deal, right?"
"Hange?" Levi asked, expectant.
"I think his offer is reasonable enough. Sounds like a good start."
Not even Nora could argue against that. For what they got in return—something useful, with a bit of luck—these demands were relatively reasonable, and so far, Ayad hadn't given them any reason to think he'd bolt—not that running away would do him much good on an island full of devils. Plus, he'd have a guard stationed at his home, just like Yelena and many other Marleyans who lived on their own.
"You better not tell anyone what you did for a living," Hange cautioned. "Especially not your fellow countrymen. Just say you're a doctor. For your own safety." Of the three soldiers present, she was the only one who could point it out without making it sound like a threat. Admittedly, her people skills—if unconventional—made up for her shite poker face, in particular because Levi and Nora were sorely lacking in the former.
"I am touched by your concern." Ayad's mocking expression didn't fit his light, amiable tone. "Or maybe you just don't want to lose a valuable asset?"
Hange smiled sweetly. "That, too."
Those two really got along just fine.
"Let's hold out judgement on the 'valuable' part, shall we?" Nora said, earning a pout from the scientist, who so far had only proven his worth as a surgeon. To be fair, it was an 'only' as huge as Rod Reiss' titan had been.
"How about you answer a little question before we wrap this up, doc?" Levi suggested nonchalantly, sitting cross-legged on the mattress. "We just gave you a goddamn house. Seems only fair."
To Nora's surprise, Ayad's answer came with barely a second's hesitation. "I accept. Depending on the question."
"We'll find something." Hange sounded distracted already, pinching her chin.
Nora leafed through her brain like she would with files in a cabinet, pulling forth stacks of unanswered questions they had discussed over the past year or so. "I might have something suitable," she said after a few seconds, looking at Hange. "It's relevant information, but general enough that I think he'll be willing to answer. Unless he's being difficult on purpose."
"I'm sitting right here, you know," Ayad remarked.
"Yeah, but I wasn't talking to you," Nora explained politely.
"Go ahead," Hange told her.
Nora turned to face him directly. "Suppose a shifter died." Ayad's brows arched, his whole posture changing in his seat, suddenly signifying attention. That was the downside: you couldn't ask a question without giving something away, yourself. "What exactly happens? We assume the specific Titan returns eventually. If so, when, where, and how?"
Ayad nodded. "Yes, they reincarnate. In the past—before our time—anything from about a month to three years after the shifter's death was observed. A random Eldian newborn will receive the power."
"So, how does that work?" Nora asked, intrigued. "Parents having their house blown up because their toddler who can't even speak transforms?"
"Thankfully, no. The powers lie dormant, initially, and manifest only after several years. To put it simply, the body needs to grow and mature before they're utilised. Until then, you think you've got a perfectly ordinary child on your hands."
"Now that sounds like a pleasant surprise," Levi said.
"Some people want their offspring to become a doctor, others a baker, and so on." Hange was slouching on her chair, elbows on her knees and chin propped on her folded hands, staring a hole through Nora's head. "But not many would want them to become a titan."
Levi clicked his tongue. "Not many? Pretty sure you're the only one who'd get a kick out of that, four-eyes."
"Nah, I'm good. I already have a titan for a best friend." Grinning, Hange winked at Nora, so very clearly baiting him. It worked somewhat; while Levi didn't provide her with the satisfaction of receiving his verbal abuse, his eyes grew flinty.
Normally, Nora would have joined in on the fun, but they had a witness and more pressing matters at hand. Addressing Ayad, she said, "So, even in the fastest case, it would be years after the fact until—"
"Yes, you don't have to worry about one or several Titans you might or might not have defeated resurfacing very soon." Despite the shrewd glint in his eyes, Ayad didn't prod, for once. Probably a sign of goodwill they wouldn't see all too often. "Does this suffice? I believe I was very generous with my answer."
"Yes, thank you," Hange said earnestly, which was probably a more advisable reaction than Nora pointing out all the things he wasn't generous with, and that this was part of the deal anyway. Hange summarised the whole affair differently: "This has been a very productive meeting. We're getting somewhere, wouldn't y'all say?"
###
"Finally," Nora sighed once Hange and Ayad were off to an early dinner. Yawning, she lifted her arms over her head, stretching her limbs and back. Levi watched, obviously, took in her slender figure, the bare white skin flashing through between the waistband of her trousers and the hem of her shirt.
He wasn't surprised by what he saw, and he was very much not pleased.
When her eyes opened, they met his. Something along those lines must have shown on his face, because she quickly averted her gaze, tugging her shirt back into place. She folded her arms in front of her chest as she took her usual seat by his bed.
He'd been watching this walking, talking shitshow ever since he'd woken from the coma, waiting for it to get better. So far, it hadn't, and enough was enough.
The extent had revealed itself to him only yesterday. He had felt the subtle difference when he'd finally touched her properly again, no concealing clothes in the way. Her thighs, her ass, her waist, her breasts—there was simply less of her, everywhere. Her ribs too distinguishable, her hipbones too sharp. He'd just been far too distracted to spend a single conscious thought on it at that moment. Looking back, it had already started when they'd been planning the mission, but the issue was on another level ever since their return.
Levi looked closely now, didn't let himself get sidetracked by her beauty, her eyes and her soft, loose curls and the golden-brown smattering of freckles.
Nora's cheeks had hollowed. Her chin was pointier. She was even paler than usual; the faint pink dusting on her cheeks was missing. Looking at her blueish-purple eyebags, one could believe she was trying to emulate his look. The rest of the changes were hidden beneath her clothes and inside her head. He might be able to guess at them, but he'd rather not have to guess. Yet, it struck him as superfluous to ask her what was wrong—wronger than he would have expected after witnessing how she had withstood blow after blow in the past. The tight-lipped brat probably wasn't inclined to provide him with the details he was missing—what made this time so different compared to, say, the fifty-seventh expedition—so he could only assume.
While Levi had made it and was recovering, Connie wasn't going to come back. Yet another one of his squad members—good soldiers as well as comrades, all of them—he had failed, another thing to keep himself entertained with at night. Unlike with Petra and the others, Nora had been there with Connie and still hadn't been able to prevent it. That must be hitting her especially hard. And headshots weren't pleasant to look at, Levi knew that all too well.
At any rate, he was all good now—kind of—but she wasn't. So much so that she wasn't eating enough in addition to her shitty sleep. And despite all the time they spent here one on one, she wouldn't lose a single word about it, wouldn't tell him what exactly was going on. As if he were just anyone, as if he were her idiot ex. She was shutting him out for reasons that were her own.
Sometimes, she did let him in, he wouldn't deny that, just as he would never forget the things she'd said those times. But the control freak didn't cope well with feeling vulnerable; so, she tended to clam up. Usually, it wasn't a loud and clear "I don't want to talk about it, okay?", but subtle signs Levi by now recognised as easy as breathing: a sudden change of subject, eyes skittering away, an answer she wouldn't give, a sentence she wouldn't finish.
Old habits die hard. And her old habits were fucking annoying.
Dammit if he didn't hate being in the dark. How was he supposed to do shit about things he was lacking crucial information on?
Nora was bouncing her leg and staring anywhere that wasn't him. Likely because he'd been watching her more closely and for longer than she could tolerate.
Fuck it. He had to work with what he'd got, as per usual. "Get yourself a full plate and eat your dinner here with me."
Her leg stopped bouncing. She blinked at him. "Why?"
Of course, she had to question fucking everything. The perfect soldier. "Because I say so."
"Don't tell me you feel lonely all of a sudden, eating on your own." Her little smirk managed to convey her scepticism perfectly.
"Maybe I do," Levi said. In his book, that didn't count as a lie, and he couldn't think of anything better to achieve the desired result.
Nora rolled her eyes at him. "Yeah, I don't buy it."
Now he remembered why he always relied on his tried and tested methods. He glowered at her, the irritation itching in his chest worsening. "Just get your meal, then get your ass back here."
She jutted her jaw, brows dipping. Radiating stubbornness from head to toe. If her arms hadn't been crossed already, she'd have done it now. "You know, seems to me this weird little discussion is an us thing, not a soldier thing. You can't always commandeer me around, off duty. Tell me why."
How about you first tell me why you're slowly going to pieces instead of getting better? How about you for once tell me what exactly is going on in that messed up brain of yours? Levi literally bit his tongue for a few seconds, trying to keep his temper in check. If he pushed too much now, it would be no use except maybe having her bail.
Focusing on the symptom it was, then; he cut right to the chase. "You've been getting thinner, you scrawny brat. Apparently, you can't even eat on your own like a normal person unless I watch every shitty little bite." She had the audacity to look puzzled, as if he hadn't simply pointed out the titan in the room. Sufficiently annoyed, Levi went on, "Have you come across a mirror lately? If not, let me inform you that you've reached a new low. Each day, you resemble a living corpse more and more. You look like absolute hell. Worse than me, which would already be bad enough, and even more so since I was in a goddamn coma. How's that for a reason?"
Hurt joined the mild indignation in Nora's expression. Well, shit. That was probably what she meant when she talked about his lack of a brain-to-mouth filter. Usually, not using it was a conscious decision; not so much when it came to her and her exceptional talent for stirring up his temper in every possible way. Didn't make what he'd said any less true, though.
She wrestled her expression back under her control, letting only her anger show. "Why, thank you for pointing all that out, I hadn't noticed. Good thing it was dark last night, after all, huh?" Her voice was pure, potent acid.
For a moment, Levi was too stunned to speak, to be angry, even. Provocation or not, how could she be so enormously dense, so infuriatingly ridiculous?
Before he had any chance to recover from this absurdity, she continued, glaring at a spot above his head. "I do realise I look far from appealing presently, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of—"
"You aren't just appealing; you're stunning, you nitwit," he said once his flaring irritation shook him out of his incredulity. "As always. Even though you do look like hell and are scrawny. And as soon as possible, I'll fuck you senseless. That's not the point." The way she now looked at him, with her lips parted a bit and a faint blush on her cheeks, almost made him reconsider. "The point is, I won't let you be an irresponsible brat again and watch you waste away."
Nora's anger had vanished without a trace. He wasn't sure how he deserved it with all the shit he'd given her, but that look induced in him the urge to stand up, bury his hands in her hair, and kiss her until they ran out of air. At the same time, bone-deep weariness was still written all across her features, a visible weight on her shoulders, making her smaller. Everything about it was wrong; she might be short, but she was never small.
She couldn't seem to shake the weight off, and he didn't know how he could relieve her of it when she didn't fucking tell him how. It was so frustrating; standing idly by went against his very nature, and the more he cared, the more obnoxious it got, obviously. And then, those people never seemed to listen to him; Hange gave the word 'self-abandonment' a whole new meaning, Erwin went into battle with one arm, and Nora… he didn't even know where to start, there. That he was still trapped in here wasn't helpful, either. Sitting around in this fucking bed all day, how was he supposed to notice anything and do shit? It was due time he got back home. He knew his own body best, and he wouldn't put up with this crap any longer; it wasn't like he'd don his gear the moment he stepped out of this ward.
"I might have some trouble with my appetite, lately," Nora mumbled eventually, fiddling with her necklace.
Truly impressive how forthcoming she was today. "You don't say." Bracing one hand on the mattress, he leaned forward and flicked her forehead. "Now will you finally piss off and come back with a big-ass serving of the greasiest shit you can get?"
She rubbed at her forehead, glaring. "Fine. Because you asked so nicely." She stood up and headed for the door.
"Nora," he said shortly before she could touch the handle. She turned swiftly, eyes a little rounder than usual, as was often the case when he said her name. He was pretty damn sure something subtle was off with the way he said it compared to how he said other names—like a normal fucking person—but he could neither pinpoint nor change it. Even now, when anger was still setting him on edge, when anger was what made him talk. The scowl he gave her was well-deserved. "Don't you ever again dare insinuate I don't want to see you when we fuck." Levi watched her fingers twitch a little, her dark eyes growing even wider. Remembering whom he was talking to, he felt the need to amend, "Actually, it doesn't matter what we're doing. I want to see you. Period."
"I want—" Nora took one step back in his direction, then halted, brows pinching. "Do you really think you usually look worse than me, as you implied earlier?"
"Where is that news? Pretty sure we already covered that at least once. And it's a simple enough fact." He indicated his tired eyes with a vague motion of his hand, including the new scar at his temple. "Couldn't give any less of a shit, though. Your problem, not mine."
"My problem," she repeated flatly.
He gave a single shrug in confirmation. "I'm sure as hell not complaining; you just happen to have strange taste—and that isn't limited to outer appearances, either."
All expression disappeared from her face, leaving only tension behind. "Right. You're such a lucky bastard." Her sarcasm, so thick he could have cut it with a knife, had an odd bitterness to it.
She turned abruptly, all but lunging for the door handle.
"That's right," he muttered once the door had fallen shut behind her. A lucky bastard. The question was just for how long.
He was still frowning at the door, pondering what exactly could be the oblivious brat's big issue—and hell, if she came back with a child's portion, he'd have to do that tedious argument all over again—when a little idea struck him.
Dammit. Why hadn't he thought of it days ago? No—maybe even weeks.
He'd have to place an order with Hange first chance he got.
#
Nora finished her meal—just so an amount Levi could live with—even though she was grimacing the whole time while eating. She likely knew resistance would be futile; seemed they both had enough of arguing for today.
Wordlessly, she traded her plate against the book on his bedside table. When she visited, they spent part of the time talking and the rest simply coexisting, as they did when life was business as usual. Who in their right mind would want to prattle for hours on end? She always brought some sort of reading material, and he couldn't blame her for making use of it now. Didn't mean that he thought he'd done anything wrong, though. Not his fault she was so goddamn unreasonable sometimes.
They coexisted in silence for half an hour at least, which he spent doing nothing, basically, other than fluffing his pillow and refolding the blanket to get rid of those ugly-ass creases. That took only a minute or two, but there was always shit to think about.
Brows severe, eyes far away, Nora had been staring holes through his chest for a while now, her book lying forgotten in her lap. All of a sudden, her gaze shifted and met his, solemn and steady. "The facility… Did you kill all of them?"
She asked as if she were inquiring after the weather tomorrow while expecting rain.
"All I came across, yeah," he told her. One of the easier questions she could ask him.
Her throat bobbed as she swallowed. "Over thirty, then."
Again, he couldn't get a clear read from her face, nor from her voice, carefully neutral. "I think so." Keeping track hadn't exactly been a priority.
Nora averted her eyes to her hands, clasped tightly in her lap. "This was not when you lost count, right? Because it was, for me."
Despite having grown quieter, she still sounded so factual. He could do factual. In fact, he couldn't do anything else. Not about this, about that part of his life. "No. That was already way back in my Underground days. In my goddamned teens, I think. I was always so angry, back then, it was easy to lose count. I never cared about numbers, in the first place. Didn't change shit about the situations I found myself in, and didn't make them any less dead."
Levi was only met with silence. One of the better possible reactions, he supposed. But had her pale face been this ashen before? He wasn't certain.
Maybe he should have been clearer far earlier. Maybe the extent of his actions revealed themselves to her only now. From the beginning, he had never made a secret of who he was—what he was. At the same time, he had never seen a reason to elaborate, either; on what he had done when, why, and how often. More pressing, on how he couldn't even answer the last question. It wasn't like Nora had ever asked him to share some nice little anecdotes. At most, she had asked about his life down there in general, about day-to-day things, about his time with Kenny (again, focusing more on the domestic side of things), about Furlan and Isabel. Never demanded details when his answer turned out bloodier than anticipated.
Nonetheless, she knew him considerably better than anyone else ever had, dead or alive—his habits, his character and thought processes, and yes, his past—and thus far, it had proven impossible to scare her off. But now, there was her ashen-faced silence. Even for her, there must be that line, somewhere, and if elaborating on his ugliest parts changed the way she looked at him…
Shit. It didn't matter; if she asked, he wouldn't withhold that kind of truth from her. Levi had always kept his regrets to a minimum; he would never be ashamed of his past. Not only because of that she should know on whom she wasted all her free time, be able to draw her own conclusions, and make well-informed decisions. If she looked at him differently then, he'd just have to do his damnedest to change it back.
"I would have been angry, too," Nora said thoughtfully—and shook her head the next second. "No, wait—I would have been super dead."
Levi needed a moment to process her unexpected reaction. Typical nutcase; where was that inevitable repugnance he had thought he'd seen in her complexion? And why the hell would she empathise with him after what he'd said?
"Maybe not," he replied, accepting that his rhetorical questions might forever go unanswered. "Not to warm up that discussion again, but just look at you." He reached for her, tucking a stray lock of her hair behind her ear. Her purplish lids fluttered shut at the contact. "They'd have done worse. And made good money with it, too."
She opened her eyes again, hard-nosed understanding giving way to contemplation in her expression. "When did your powers awaken? When was that moment you mentioned once?"
There it was; the second question was worse than the first. He braced himself, felt his face turn to stone while his heart rate picked up. Watched her closely as he said, "I started killing when I was ten. It was either me, or those pieces of shit. Kenny orchestrated it; he was a very hands-on guy. Efficient. Really an excellent teacher." Yeah, thanks a bunch, Kenny. Better than letting me starve to death, I suppose.
Finally, Nora's features revealed unconcealed, slack-jawed shock. "Ten years old…" She was whispering.
That was the look he'd been expecting; not only shocked, but appalled. His insides iced up, the cold invading his voice. "That's how I spent the bigger part of my life, that's what you're dealing with," he said harshly, driving it home. "You finally regretting what you signed up for?"
Nora's brows lowered, narrowing her eyes. "Never, you berk. Not even when I blow myself up or you decide to take a five-day nap. It's just… while I want to know everything about you—more than you'll ever want to tell me, and I understand that perfectly—it pains me what you've had to go through, your whole fucking life, right up to this point. I know you don't want to hear this, but it evidently has to be said."
His heart had first warmed in relief, then contracted during her speech. What was wrong with that woman, to waste such an amount of compassion on him? Not despite, but more or less because of the awful things he had done.
"You should feel sorry for them," he reminded her, glaring at his knees. However, with all those pleasant memories freshly dragged to the surface, he amended, "Maybe not all of them." Just because he could be a monster didn't mean there wasn't far worse out there. He liked to think he came nowhere near that scum, at least.
"And yet feeling bad for all those people you snuffed for one reason or another is not even close to my first priority. You know why? Because otherwise, you wouldn't be here. What do you say to that?"
When he looked up, her heated eyes were focused on him. Making her first priority in the matter unmistakably clear.
He really was a lucky bastard.
"I say… same." When it came to either her or people who were a threat to her life… the answer was crystal-clear, no matter the number of corpses they literally had to walk over.
Levi supposed one could say they were compatible. There were his duties as a soldier, his own moral code—if one could call it that—but then there was also this. Her. He had no desire to ever experience again what happened when those two priorities clashed.
The air between them seemed to heat up. A hint of rosy colour had found its way back into Nora's cheeks.
A few seconds ticked away, time being an insignificant background detail while they held each other's gaze, until she cleared her throat, steering the conversation back on track. "So, what exactly went down that fucking night two weeks ago, after you sent us the other way?"
"Probably nothing you don't know already. Most of the soldiers were inside the facility at that point, which was less than ideal. When I finally got out, there were still a few left on my side of the building, which was inconvenient because I'd already been shot. Slowed me down a bit."
"Inconvenient. Slowed you down a bit," she echoed blankly.
"You sound like an idiot when you're just repeating what I said."
"You realise you almost died."
Fuck's sake. Get shot one time, and you'll never hear the end of it. "For the last time," he said, enunciating each word carefully, "I didn't die."
"But you would have!" Nora exclaimed, indignant.
"But I didn't."
She rewarded him with a groan of deepest exasperation. "This is getting nowhere."
"Now we agree."
Her lips quirked into an unexpected smile, eyes twinkling. "Bound to happen every now and then, right?"
That was the first real smile he'd got from her today. The best kind: involuntary and therefore honest without a trace of cynicism, escaping her sometimes during their bickering sessions. More often than not, those smiles brought an end to them. And while sparring with her—physical or verbal—was more fun than he cared to admit, he didn't mind one bit.
Even better was her rare, clear laugh, especially when he was both the cause and the sole recipient. He was greedy and possessive when it came to her, something he had accepted long ago, around the time she'd first let him have her.
While Nora and 'cheerful' had never gone together, the frequency of her smiles and laughs had notably decreased. Something inside of her was dying a slow and painful death, and he couldn't let that happen. He needed to be there, with her, to see and know and do something, whatever that was. It was really time to get out of here, and it did not have much to do with altruism.
Hell, he wanted his life back.