Hope?
CE 72 September (Orb)
"The information's all here then?" Kira asked, flipping the data stick over once more as his mind, no doubt, did similar somersaults as he digested the news.
"I haven't looked at it yet; I brought it straight to you." Cagalli explained. They were out at the orphanage, the building looking to be always in the state of moving out and she frowned at the half-filled boxes in the corner of the bedroom. It was the only place they could speak in private and Cagalli patted the duvet on the mattress beneath her as she waited for her brother to respond further.
He was sitting at the only desk in the room, his right leg crossed over his left as he sat sideways in the chair, one elbow bent on the desktop and propped under his chin while the other held the data. Kira looked good that day, calmer and with a steadier strength in his gaze that the blonde hadn't seen in months. Even this bit of news he took in stride and any anxiety at bringing him the data was dispersing quickly. His stability was a comfort to those around him as well, and Cagalli watched him switch legs, crossing his left over his right as his silence continued. While they might not be the siblings she had hoped they would be, the two of them seemed to have reached a point of mutual understanding and that assurance was a rock she held onto tightly.
"I can look at it first, if you don't want to," she prompted further, his silence understandable, but not giving anything away. "Actually, maybe we should have Erika in the room too."
"We should probably bring her in at some point, but I think I want to keep this between us for a while—or at least until you and I can wrap our heads around it." He set the data stick down on the desktop and twisted to square up to her further. He smiled and she found herself matching it lightly. "I hope you don't mind that decision."
"Not at all; it makes sense. I just hope we do find answers and not more questions."
"I'm not sure how much information had survived Mendel, if I'm being honest," Kira continued. "I've been only able to gather limited content on the project and, admittedly, most of it I have yet to go through. Just haven't been in the right mindset."
Cagalli watched him pause and look down at the data stick again. The pain had returned to his gaze, but it was gentler that time and Cagalli's hands tensed in her lap. She could understand the hesitance to know the truth—to just go on with life as if nothing had changed, but she also knew the truth must be faced at some point. She wasn't dressed as Chief Representative that day, but casually as Kira's sister and she rose from her perch, walking to put a hand on his shoulder.
"Well, you don't have to learn alone," she assured him and was happy to see his positive reaction.
"Thanks, Cags. Why don't we set up a different day to go through this together—a day when we can meet at Morgenroete and have a bit more privacy." As if on cue, a posse of children ran past the door, the wooden frame rattling with the stomping feet and Kira gave a soft laugh, their not-so-light screaming echoing in the quiet room long past the children's retreat.
"Yes, let's," Cagalli agreed and patted his shoulder twice before returning to the bed and sitting down almost comically, the air lightening since the kids had wandered past.
"And I wouldn't mind looking in on the weapons' development teams either," he added and Cagalli felt the upward tilt in her chest again. He was starting to sound like the old, curious Kira and the smile on her lips was large.
"Sure! I should probably get a full report myself."
"Might try making a Haro myself," he mused further and Cagalli leaned forward.
"Oh? Curious if you can one-up Athrun?"
"Maybe, but primarily missing the old days when Sir Pink wasn't sentient."
Cagalli laughed and so did he, the two of them slipping into comfortable conversation before their privacy was inevitably broken by the children.
CE 73 March 29, Space (Morning)
Namarra was up early that morning, having showered almost an hour earlier than normal and was even dressed before her alarm had warmed up to go off. She had the entire day to herself to do as she pleased and there was a list, most of it involving her meet-up with Shinn that afternoon. It was going to be a good day and she was looking forward to it, knowing everyone she knew in space was equally preoccupied.
The coffee pot was done and Namarra was just pouring her first mug when the door opened suddenly and the familiar rustle of Lexi's routine sounded behind the Natural. She had tensed at the opening and was about to relax at the familiar sounds, but the face she squared up to wasn't one normally plastered on her fair roommate.
"I thought Yzak had the weekend off?" Namarra began slowly and held her mug close, watching the redhead curse as she struggled out of her shoes and practically collapsed into the dining table chair. She was pale, breath ragged and looked like she had barely slept, but none of that was as scary as the simple phrase of, "We need to talk," she uttered as soon as her feet were twisted underneath the table.
Nodding, the Natural set her mug down briefly before filling Lexi's mug of coffee and bringing them both over to the table.
"You okay?" Namarra asked despite knowing the redhead was far from it. Lexi shook her head anyway and thanked her for the mug, cupping the porcelain between both hands.
"The Berserker showed up last night."
Namarra's ears tingled as they deafened at the statement, the blood rush coursing up her neck and into her cheeks before the fear could be quelled. It was not a phrase either enjoyed hearing and especially not in peacetime.
"What do you mean?"
"It showed and confronted Yzak."
"Confronted?" she echoed and Lexi nodded then shrugged and shook her head at the same time.
"It's really the best word I have for it. According to him, it just talked but—but…" She trailed off and Namarra understood the worry. The Berserker didn't normally just talk with anyone.
"Is he okay?" Namarra asked slowly, rounding the other side of the table and taking the seat. The pang was still strong in her chest at his name, the pain stirring briefly, but she didn't want him harmed and especially by Lexi's Berserker.
"Seems like it. He was barely rattled—even slept like a child." She huffed at the statement and Namarra made careful note of it. It was a surprise the young commander had been so unbothered by meeting the Berserker, but maybe that was to his credit.
"He was so stupid—not worried at all."
Or maybe not.
"Aren't you being a little harsh?" the Natural asked. "Yzak not afraid is a good thing, I would assume."
"Surely that means his instincts regarding danger are skewed. How is no one afraid of that thing?"
"Maybe he didn't want to admit it?" she argued further, but even she wasn't sure why. Lexi wasn't upset Yzak had weathered the encounter well. There was something else she was concerned about and Namarra leaned forward, resting a hand on the redhead's forearm and squeezing it gently.
"Something else happened; you're not telling me the full story. What has you so worried?"
Lexi's demeanor completely changed, her anger slipping into panic and then a frown as the memory must have come back in a rush. Looking down at her mug, she fiddled with it, twisting it on the tabletop as she searched for her words and Namarra let her. Lexi going Berserk on Yzak was a big enough shock let alone there being something else bothering the redhead.
"It was… how or even when the Berserker took over," Lexi began quietly.
"It was a fight, right? You two had an argument?" The redhead was already shaking her head and Namarra felt a chilled prickle slide up the back of her neck.
"We were in bed," she continued, "and it wasn't anger that made me switch."
"Oh." It was the first sound out of her mouth and the prickle on the back of her neck flushed outward into her cheeks. Namarra wasn't sure why she was so embarrassed, necessarily, but it did catch her off guard.
"Not just anger then, huh?"
"Apparently not," she responded, a sharp edge to the words. "And I know he wouldn't make this up."
"No, of course not," Namarra agreed, taking a sip of her coffee to hide any further discomfort and wincing when she realized too late that it was still hot. "Well, we had suspected it was linked to other, high intensity emotions…" She trailed off and turned in her chair, looking out at the fake morning sun through the window of their apartment.
"I'm not sure I really wanted to be proven right." Lexi heaved a heavy sigh and pushed the mug forward, resting her arms on the table and then her head onto her arms. She looked defeated and Namarra couldn't blame her. This was quite the revelation and not one she was sure she wanted to know either.
The Natural heard a phone vibrate in the bag sitting near Lexi's feet and frowned. It was probably Yzak.
"Now what am I supposed to do?" the redhead asked instead, ignoring the call and let it continue to vibrate until it hit voicemail.
Namarra sighed. "Look you've been dating for a while now and this is only the first time it happened. Maybe something else was involved?" Lexi didn't say anything in response and Namarra's lips flipped into a frown. No doubt her inner turmoil at that moment was loud, chaotic, and filled with more guilt and doubt than Namarra would care to be a part of. That new bit of knowledge had put many things into perspective, she knew, even for herself. Was there really nothing that they could do or have that wouldn't be associated with their other halves? Was there really no way to avoid it?
"I'm afraid there's more, Nam," Lexi continued, her words muffled.
"What's that?"
Lexi heaved another sigh and brought her head up, locking her gaze. "The Berserker had claimed you were real. Your Berserker isn't a fake."
The air seemed to escape the room, the declaration reaching Namarra's ears and her skin prickled with what felt like energy. If Lexi had said anything to follow up the statement, the Natural couldn't hear her and soon she couldn't really see either, her eyes clouding as nothing but her other half's toothy smile stretched from corner to corner.
Not a fake? Surely that was a lie, something concocted by a sadistic being eager to stir up a little chaos. There was only one a generation—this was fact—and Lexi was as real as they come. Only Namarra had the shady past. She was the one that had been supposedly manipulated.
"L-lies," her mouth spoke, her lips barely open as her tongue spit out the word. She didn't want to believe that her parents had done the impossible—that they had succeeded in forcing Mother Nature to change. Her parents had been radicals, not visionaries and Namarra swallowed, spitting out "Lies" again before her hearing finally came back and the smile faded from her vision.
"Maybe," Lexi said and that admittance calmed Namarra's racing heart. Even Lexi was skeptical and that was validating. "But that's the secret it shared with Yzak. I… don't know what to do with it yet," she continued slowly and Namarra finally saw her sit straighter in the chair, "but we can't just brush this off so idly."
"I agree," Namarra said after further pause, pushing her mug up further on the table, suddenly not interested in its contents. "Though, this does drastically change the approach we had been taking to the research."
"I know," Lexi said with a sigh and her phone vibrated again, this time for longer seeing as Yzak had called twice in succession.
"So, what are you going to do then?" Namarra asked, pointing to Lexi's bag on the floor when the redhead locked gazes with her again.
"I-I don't want him to get hurt," was all Lexi said and Namarra nodded slowly, listening to the phone vibrate again.
CE 73 April 2, Space (Afternoon)
The next few days were painful, the phone conversations between Yzak and Lexi covering the spectrum of emotion. She had met him in public twice since the incident, but had never stayed over at his place again. Throughout the course of the days, Yzak's understanding had been slowly turning into panic, Namarra able to gauge his state of mind based on his frequency of calls, how often they argued, his raised voice, and perhaps most of all, his utter desperation when the Natural had found messages from him on her phone. Namarra hadn't responded to him and was happy that he took hints well, her phone remaining delightfully silent during her meet-up with Shinn that morning.
She was looking at her screen again as she was making her way back to the apartment, happy she wasn't being pestered, but still worried about the silence all the same. Frankly, it wasn't her place to butt in, but she did want to play a supporting role in some capacity and she sighed, slowing her feet as she neared the most memorable part of her journey.
Stray's Delicacies stood open to her right, the line thinning as the lunch crowd paid and was fed and Jaeger's familiar voice chimed out of the opening door. If Namarra's phone was silent, maybe that meant Lexi and Yzak were talking. If that was the case, the Natural should probably stay away from the apartment and she nodded, her ponytail bouncing against her shoulders as she veered to her right and through the door.
Jaeger's smile was instant the moment they locked gazes and even Namarra's softened at his expression, but she also knew her grin wasn't as bright. Jaeger caught onto that immediately and after her order, he promised to bring her the coffee personally. Maybe he had a moment to sit with her, but as thankful as she was for the company, she had no idea what to tell him. Couple's drama seemed like a cruel topic, so she opted to stick to small talk.
The coffee arrived with the fair chef as promised, his familiar grey hair and grey eyes still sparkling with curiosity even after her vague greeting.
"We're doing fine, thanks," Jaeger responded, sliding into the chair across from her and leaning forward on the table, bracing his arms beneath him. "Keeping a low profile seems to be something we're surprisingly good at."
"That is a surprise," Namarra responded with a short laugh, knowing very well the rambunctiousness of her previously squatting housemates. "So, this is your life now?"
"Seems like it," he said, attention scanning the store briefly before returning to the Natural. "It's not too bad."
Namarra hummed through another chuckle, mind grasping at any other small talk to begin, but Jaeger beat her to it, his voice quieting.
"I've heard a rumor, actually, that I thought you should be aware of." Namarra's mug was already at her lips, half drinking as her eyebrow rose in interest. "Sounds like someone claimed responsibility for South Korea, though it's all really hush hush," he explained and Namarra's other eyebrow rose. "I don't know the name of the company, but it sounds like they're active in space too, buying a lot of the scrap metal from the war and investing in some reconstruction activities."
"Reconstruction?"
"Colonies," Jaeger went on. "There's a lot of junk in space and they seem to be in the business of managing it."
"So, why Korea?" Namarra asked, keeping the mug at her lips.
Jaeger shrugged. "That's still kinda a mystery to me, though other rumors state it was a testing ground for something. Any time the word 'testing' is used, conspiracies take off like brush fires, so I've had a fun time trying to sift through them all."
Namarra nodded slowly, finally cushioning her drink back onto the table. "There seems to be a lot of players eager to clean up the Earth and space after the war," she mused and watched Jaeger shrug, the chef leaning back more comfortably in his chair after sharing the secret.
"A lot of money there. It's a new market, I should think, and many powerful companies are eager to get a slice of the profits."
"Seems dirty," the Natural scoffed and Jaeger readily agreed.
"You're not wrong, it's just that some people only think in profits and gains."
"This isn't the same company that's after Logan then?" Namarra asked further and Jaeger shook his head.
"No, not that we can tell. This is another new player."
"Another new one, huh?"
"Like I said, new market."
"Yes, but I guess it all feels too coordinated somehow. Makes my skin crawl."
"Powerful people often speak to other powerful people," Jaeger explained simply, his hand raising above his head in acknowledgement to Erik who seemed to be calling him back behind the desk. "And where power gathers, so often does greed."
Namarra nodded, thanking him for the drink as he excused himself and glanced sideways at her phone, the device still silent. She should share this news with the others, but she waited, mulling over the new development and enjoying the quiet moment with her coffee before she jumped back into the chaos.
CE 73 April 2, Space (Afternoon)
"Please stay," Yzak said, his hand twitching under the crook of his elbow. This is the first time he had gotten Lexi to walk back through his door and after five minutes she was already looking to leave. Before, she had been so easy for him to read, but now she was passive, hiding everything from even him and his twitching hand curled into a fist. It had all gone downhill so quickly.
"Just for a little while longer," he added when he at least noticed her tense. "Please."
"I don't know if I should—"
"Nothing's going to happen," he tried to assure her, stepping forward and placing his fist onto the bar.
"You don't know that."
"No, but I'm willing to take the chance. Ten minutes—20, that's all I ask. Please."
To her credit, she did stall, her hand still on the door as she turned, meeting his desperation with a stoic sadness that he had been forced to get used to. When was the last time she had looked at him warmly?
"Twenty minutes," he repeated and tensed when she sighed, but her hand did move from the handle, her other grip loosening on the bag around her shoulder as she set it back down on the table.
"I can do 10," she said, her tone dull but he saw the hint of a smile.
And his heart leapt at that small hope.
"Coffee?" he asked and the smile quirked higher.
"Yes, but only if I make it."
"What? I'm not that bad at it."
"No, but I'm just that little bit better."
A jest; he would take a jest. They both offered a small chuckle and he stood on the other side of the bar as she went about the routine. It was something he hadn't witnessed in a long while and he tried not to stare, but he had slipped into other habits as well. He watched her mannerisms, noting her tense façade as she waded through his kitchen, but she gradually relaxed as his attention moved from her to his questions.
For five minutes it was normal, the two of them still tiptoeing around each other, but they were sharing news, recounting their past five days with a level of detail they had been avoiding. For ten minutes more, it was normal, Lexi making a mug of coffee for her and even a black tea for him which he took eagerly. They hadn't left the kitchen, but he didn't mind. She was leaning towards him on the other side of the bar and him towards her, the space between them minimal and he laughed at one of her quips.
The 20-minute mark came and went, neither noticing the time and it wasn't until they had given in and ventured over to sit on the couch that Yzak suggested they go out for dinner. If he could just keep things normal, maybe they could get past the horrible moment before, and she thought about it—seriously thought on the proposition before actually agreeing.
"But nothing fancy and I can't stay out late—"
"That's perfect," he interjected, resisting the urge to put his hand on her knee. "Your company is enough." And he meant it—meant every desperate please his love-struck mind was signaling.
Her time and company were always more than enough.
Lexi's fingernails tapped against her glass of water as she watched Yzak through the window, the young commander having to leave the restaurant to take a call from work. She had an inkling for what the call was expecting him to do and he seemed about as excited to pick up the phone as she had been, his normally pristine self fidgeting on the other side of the glass while he ran fingers through his hair. They had had a good afternoon together and the sentiment was obvious to them both, but no matter what, work came first.
Their food arrived while he was still talking, Lexi thanking the server and picking idly at the contents on her plate until he arrived to share the news they both already expected.
"I need to go in," he said, face showing far deeper of a scowl than normal at the declaration. He had tried to talk himself out of it as much as he could, but, in the end, duty called, and she nodded as he stood across from her behind his chair.
"I understand. Now?" He nodded, his scowl dipping into sadness and he motioned for the server to come over to explain why his meal would be left uneaten. The server took it with grace and offered the meal for Lexi to take home who agreed.
"You stay and eat, of course," Yzak said after the server had left, and she watched his hands, his knuckles growing white as he gripped the back of the chair. "I'll call you later—if that's okay."
"Sounds nice," she replied and his grip loosened, but he was still tense, the two of them looking at each other longer than normal as she waited for him to leave. Most likely, he was having an internal battle, his instinct to kiss her on the cheek before he left the common gesture for these moments, but the feeling of his lips on her skin made her swallow, an unwanted shiver crawling up her spine as she tried to recall what must have been a horrifying moment for him, but like all other attempts, her memory remaining a blackened expanse with the distant echo of laughter.
"Later then," she continued when he didn't move and gave a soft grin in dismissal. He didn't have to do something he didn't want to, after all, and he did leave finally, the redhead watching him hurrying along the road towards duty.
Sighing, she returned to her meal, less hungry and definitely having a worse time. Normal felt… nice for a change, but perhaps normal just wasn't that easy to achieve.
She was halfway done with her plate when her phone went off, the redhead reaching for the device in her lap and seeing a message from Lathan.
We need to talk. – L
Lexi hadn't told anyone besides Namarra what had happened that night and she hadn't really gathered up the courage yet. It was possible Lathan had heard from Namarra, but she chose to not jump to conclusions, his ominous message possibly about anything. Nodding, she fired back a confirmation before finishing her meal and accepting the food to take home.
CE 73 April 2, Space (Evening)
"You okay?" Heine asked even before Lexi was able to cross the threshold into the apartment. He stood across from her comfortably, holding open the door and eyeing her in a way she might have felt offended if she hadn't been so exhausted by the past week's events.
"Yes, I'm fine," she lied, but was lucky Heine didn't do a follow-up. Instead, he stepped aside and ushered her in, the redhead stepping past him with Yzak's food still in the bag at her side. She held it up and pointed to the refrigerator, Heine waving a hand in confirmation before wandering back over to his perch on the sofa.
"Lathan said he wanted to talk to us," Heine explained and Lexi nodded, joining him over in the living room as soon as she had safely put the food away.
"Any ideas what it's about?"
He shook his head first, but then changed it to a shrug. "There was some sort of vial he had found the other day and he had been on the phone with me when he was talking about it. I don't know what it is, but I think that's what he wants to discuss."
Lexi hummed, twisting to pull her stockinged feet up underneath her butt as she sat in the room's only chair.
The two friends hadn't actually talked in a while, both their lives busy and Lexi's with some unfortunate relationship drama, but the redhead was happy to see he seemed to be in good spirits. He was currently reading a book, however, Heine having pulled the title into his lap and to a bookmarked page. He had mentioned wanting to finish a chapter and she was more than happy to let him, but the title she recognized and said as much, head tilting to read the print on the cover.
"You moving to a different department at work?" she asked and he hummed his questioning response. "Mechanics and electronics?" she followed up, pointing to the book.
"Oh—no, not moving, but I thought I could broaden my knowledge a bit."
"You know, Lathan could probably teach you a few things."
"I know," he said quickly, remaining quiet until he finally finished the page and shut the book. "It's just that he has a lot going on right now and I don't need an in-depth course, just some more knowledge than I currently have."
"Any particular reason?" Lexi pestered further and he didn't bite, ending the commentary with a shrug.
"Wanting to improve myself, I suppose."
It was as respectable of an answer as any and she nodded, the two of them slipping into a familiar silence as they waited for Lathan to call.
The wait wasn't long and he called Lexi, the redhead putting him onto speaker phone as soon as she admitted where she was.
"No Coda?" Lathan asked and Lexi shook her head before replying verbally.
"She said she had something to do that she couldn't get out of." Heine made a short snort and Lexi's eyes locked with his, her eyebrow rising curiously, but he shook off the noise, waving his hand to the side as he set his reading material down next to him.
"I see… I admit I had wanted both of you here for this, but I don't want to delay the conversation either. Be sure to update her as soon as you can. Deal?"
"Roger that," Lexi recited and there was a quiet pause as they all settled in, Lathan's voice leading the way.
"Sorry to not bring you into this until now, Sis, but Erika and I have made quite the discovery that we've been trying to sort through for the past month or so."
"What discovery is that?"
"Heine knows a little about it because he was around when I… remembered."
It was a heavy word and Lathan's pause before it made the redhead gaze up at Heine. He had heard the importance as well and was frowning by the time they had locked attentions.
"What do you mean, 'remembered'?"
"I don't know how to explain it other than there was something important I had forgotten and then in one, split second, I had remembered it. Before we spend too long focusing on that though," he interjected quickly, "know that I'm working with Erika and others to try and see if there's anything else I might've been burying."
"Through trauma?" Heine pressed and Lathan admitted he didn't know.
"We're not sure what caused it, but the memory was truly and wholly suppressed. That in itself is a cause for concern."
"Definitely," Lexi muttered and even Heine was bothered by the news, but they both held their tongue, Lathan moving forward quickly.
"But what I had remembered involves you and Coda, Pip, and before I tell you, I need you to understand that while extensive testing has been done, we are by no means finished. We've just reached a spot that I think we can confidently tell you the news."
"O-okay," Lexi stammered, her heart starting to race at both his insistence and the confidence in his voice. It must have been big if he had been keeping it from them for so long. Especially since Lexi had never even expected anything was going on.
"Okay," Lathan mimicked and took a deep breath, both Lexi and Heine leaning towards the phone. "We had managed to get that old Mendel computer working finally and made a huge discovery. While most of the data was corrupt or just a directory of names, there were some medical equations and formulas there as well. One," he continued, the two of them hearing Lathan shuffling briskly on the other side of the phone, "was a compound mixture for a drug that could be administered either by pill or in its rawest form through a syringe." He paused for a breath and Lexi locked eyes with Heine once again. "We didn't understand the significance of what we had found until we sent the formula to some close contacts who confirmed what we had assumed we stumbled upon."
"And that is?" Heine edged and Lathan ceased rustling, his voice clearly louder when he spoke again.
"From what we can tell, Pip, we found one of the foundation formulas for the drug you and Coda were given to separate you from your Berserkers."
As expected, Lexi had frozen, her breath hitching on intake and the blood rushed to her ears. They had all been convinced that formula had been lost or at the very least buried behind so many walls of security they could never hope to find it. Was he saying something had been found? And on Mendel, nonetheless? Most of their research and discoveries up until this moment were theoretical, often hypotheses or myths, but Lathan had found something concrete?
"What does this mean?" Heine asked, staring at Lexi as he did, but she wasn't looking at him anymore, her gaze entirely on the phone's black screen.
"It means a couple of things. While we have limited materials, we can either replicate the drug and analyze it, study and really learn the effects it had on your minds in an effort to see how the Berserkers work, take hold, etcetera, or—"
"Can you manipulate it?" Lexi asked and Lathan stopped mid-thought, startling to change course at her question.
"What do you mean?"
"Can we, for example, use it to suppress the Berserker?"
Another heavy question and despite Lexi's eagerness to know the answer, Heine's breath had slowed, his shoulders visibly tensing even in her peripheral vision. If that was possible, the game had changed and Lexi swallowed the lump in her throat. She so desperately wanted the game to change.
Lathan was quiet for a few breaths and the redhead repeated her question, her older brother eventually answering calmly. "As I said before, there's still a lot of research to do, but there is a possibility—"
"Y-you could do it?"
"Possibility, sis. I don't want to give you false hope, but to even get that far, we would need to finish the replication of the original drug first, put it through some tests and then go forward from there."
"A possibility," she echoed and her body finally began to react, the redhead's fingers curling into shaking fists as she rose from her seat. Walking a circle nearby, she did her best to calm her breathing. They had never had a possibility before and even though the Berserker had yet to state its opinion throughout the phone call, Lexi had a feeling it was grumbling.
A possibility.
"—Heine, you need to—" Lathan was saying, but the grin on Lexi's face wouldn't fade, her elation at the news only calming when Heine had finally rose and pressed a firm grip against her elbow to still her pacing.
"Don't get ahead of yourself, Pip," the singer said and no matter what nervousness she felt from him, his eyes mirrored her excitement.
A possibility—they had a fucking possibility and no matter what warnings Lathan was repeating on the phone, her and Heine's attentions were on each other.
Possibility meant hope.
CE 73 April 5, Space (Afternoon)
But then it happened again.
They were arguing about something mundane, but for one reason or another, Lexi's frustration was boiling to the point where she had to flee from Yzak in order to not let it get out of control. She didn't flee far, the barrier of a bathroom door enough of a separation in the past and it should have been the same for that argument.
Instead, it wasn't.
Lexi didn't remember switching, only that she did. She remembered blinking, her mind slowly coming back and seeing herself in the mirror. Well, sort of. The room was steamy, the shower having been running on hot for an extended period of time and the redhead came back to the words, "2 is a coincidence. 3 is a trend. This is #2." written on the mirror through the steam.
The fear leapt into her throat as quickly as the vomit, but one she held down, the other sending her shaking to wipe off the message and turn off the shower. It had happened again and just like last time, it was just her and Yzak. The only saving grace was she was confident the Berserker hadn't left the bathroom. That meant, it hadn't interacted with the young commander and Lexi forced that confidence to calm her tremors, the redhead bolting out of the bathroom and past Yzak's questions in the kitchen. He hadn't left his perch at the bar, but there was little comfort in that timeline. It wasn't only that she had switched, but she had no recollection, much like the time in his bedroom a week ago. She couldn't stop it—couldn't even recognize it was happening and that scared her more than anything.
"I'm leaving," she declared, mustering up that confidence that had fled with her from the bathroom and gathered her things. "Goodbye, Yzak."
"Wait, what do you mean?" he asked, too stunned to even move towards her despite her jarring words.
"It's too dangerous. I'm not coming back."
"H-hold on a second. We're figuring—"
"There's nothing to figure out. Goodbye."
He did find the strength to move eventually and managed to press a hand against the door as she opened it to leave. It was a firm refusal to her comment, but not even she could muster the will to be mad. Her fear was still palpable and no doubt he had caught onto that, but there was nothing he could do. She knew that and even if he was resisting that knowledge, she had to leave. She had to protect him from herself.
The Berserker smiled.
And Lexi panicked.
"Let me out," she demanded and leaned as close to him as she dared, willing him to listen and even respect her wishes.
"Not yet. You need to explain—we were doing fine—we were figuring it out—Lexi, something happened." He was stammering and her heart twisted at the sight. If her fear was palpable, so was his, but for an entirely different reason and she swallowed down the Berserker's laugh.
"I-I'm sorry. Goodbye." Lexi pulled on the door again and there was still resistance. The fear was switching drastically to frustration and she snapped at him, her face contorting into a growl that surprised him. His weight shifted, Lexi having enough leverage to pull open the door on the second go and she took her chance, slipping through the opening and fleeing, breathing through her grief and deafening her ears to his pleas as she beat him to the stairwell door and closed it before he could make any more arguments.
"She's scared, Yzak," Dearka said again, much to the dismay of his rather furious best friend. The blond had to admit he didn't think they would break up and found himself unpleasantly surprised when Yzak had told him the news. If that's even what happened. The whole thing was rather confusing, bridging more on that Lexi had run out on Yzak, but having listened to the story from Yzak's point of view, it wasn't hard to see that the possibility of Lexi coming back was, well, slim. "She doesn't want to hurt you."
"She's not!" he hissed in response and continued pacing.
Dearka sighed, for the first time in months seeing his friend being as the stubborn individual he had always known him to be. "Look, I get where she's coming from. I don't want you to get hurt either, you know?" The blond reached out as he passed by the sofa, grabbing his arm briefly before his friend broke the hold. "Listen to your brain for once on this one."
"Seriously?" he scoffed. "Mister 'think with your heart' is telling me to start being rational?"
Dearka frowned, arm falling back to the arm rest in front of him. "Fine, then let me paint you a picture. What would happen if she went berserk around your mom, huh? Or, better yet, ZAFT finally caught on that you were dating Lexi Rymyr and not Piper Palazzo?" Yzak snorted as he walked to the door and then returned, his disregard for the rationality of the situation grating on Dearka more than it probably should have, but the blond thought back to the time he had taunted the Berserker on the Archangel and swallowed. Lexi had been in control then. Yzak's description of the scene was nothing like what he had experienced before and perhaps some things not even love can conquer. "Or, here's a good one," Dearka continued spitefully, trying to drive in some logic, "what name would you put on the marriage certificate then, huh?"
Yzak snarled and Dearka sighed. "I honestly thought you might be on my side with this one," he spat.
"Yzak, I'm almost always on your side, but this one is beyond me and I think Lexi is being really rational here." That comment received another scowl and he rolled his eyes. "Look, I know it hurts—a lot—it hurts a lot right now, but she knows a lot more about this than you do."
"No, that's the problem. She doesn't know anything about it."
Dearka frowned. "Her and Nam have been doing research about this for over a year now and, need I remind you, they're the ones with the condition. I'd like to think that gives them a leg up in this situation."
"Fine, then just let me help—let someone help. Surely that's an option."
"It probably is," Dearka agreed, finally reaching out and snagging Yzak's arm successfully. "But are you really the one to help her with this?"
"What does that mean?" the young commander hissed, slamming both hands down on the arm rest and leaning in towards his best friend.
"ZAFT, Yzak."
It was the only answer and somehow the worst one. ZAFT was the barrier between the two of them—always had been and probably always would be. Lexi didn't want to go back to being a lab rat and Yzak definitely didn't want that to happen either. They had been running around ZAFT for over a year, but how long would that last now that Lexi's other half seemed to be making appearances at will? Their relationship was, at the end of the day, something not meant to last. A sad realization and even though he had heard each in turn admit that fact, watching at least one of them during the breakup process was proving that at some point in time, they had started thinking the inevitable was avoidable.
The young commander didn't say anything after the comment, the two friends sharing an emotional look that Yzak broke first, clicking his tongue in annoyance and turning away before Dearka could see anything more than a glimmer of moisture near his eyes.
"No, not yet," he said eventually and despite the defiance, Dearka gave a frustrated sigh. "Not yet," Yzak repeated and the emotion was in his voice that time, even if the blond couldn't see his face.
"I'm afraid that's not entirely up to you."
Dearka winced when Yzak slammed the door as he stormed out.
CE 73 April 6, Orb (Evening)
Lexi's phone went off again and she ignored it, sitting on the beach and watching the last of the pink sky fade into nighttime. She debated just throwing it into the water, but no matter how much she was afraid to talk to Yzak, a part of her was more terrified of the idea of never talking to him again. The conundrum of getting too close to something she wasn't meant to because if they had broken off the relationship back when they had said they probably should—back before the trial, before New Years, before Yzak had come to Orb… She sighed, her mind wandering through their time together and realizing that once, ideal time to break up just wasn't there. So, perhaps this had been inevitable. The Berserker had made the decision for them and maybe it was always going to end up that way. Hugging her knees to her chest, she gave a quick shiver, but still refused to move, digging her bare toes into the cooling sand.
She was thankful the kids were distracted with a movie and even more thankful that Namarra hadn't told the whole gang about what had happened between her and Yzak. She wasn't sure she could face any of them yet. Even escaping to Orb seemed like a bad idea giving her waning condition, but she had been desperate. She didn't want to be near them, but didn't want to be in space near him either, so she had ended up on the shore, feeling as small as the grains beneath her butt. Sighing, she rested her forehead on her knees and tried to drown everything out but the waves, wishing it would soothe her nerves.
No one seemed to have noticed she had wandered down to the shore, so she spent a good hour or two well past sunset by herself, not being able to achieve complete inner peace, but at least Yzak had stopped trying to call. She had 20 missed calls from him in total and five from Dearka. No doubt Yzak was with him, so picking up those calls seemed just as suicidal.
She felt like a coward—knew she was a coward and her stomach lurched because of it. But what other option was open to her? She had probably enjoyed too long of a relationship with him anyway—led him on for too long. She had convinced herself she could have a life she never could and even in that moment her Berserker was laughing at her. She should never have been alone with him, or be alone with anyone for that matter. Now more than ever, she was a ticking timebomb and every pulse of her heart felt like a countdown.
She heard the footsteps in the grass behind her long before they stopped beside her. Her instincts told her to check the threat, but instead she found no strength and her forehead remained on her knees, staring at the small patch of moonlight shining between her heels.
"You gonna talk to us?"
Another pair of footsteps walked up on the other side and Lexi was happy to learn it was Lacus and Cagalli who had joined her. She would have preferred talking to no one, but these were the least scary.
"Are you cold?" Lacus asked when the redhead didn't reply to Cagalli's question, draping a jacket over her shoulders without Lexi having to say anything. She muttered a thanks anyway, but still didn't lift her head.
Cagalli sat down on the sand to her left, the redhead recognizing the sound of her jeans as they bent. The night was definitely chilly if even Cagalli wore pants, but Lexi had noticed nothing of it, not even the jacket over her shoulders making much of an impact.
Cagalli's hand reached for the redhead's phone, Lexi seeing the light from her screen as the blonde's movements had lit it up and, no doubt, she had seen the notifications from the missed calls.
Well, she didn't have to explain anything then.
Lacus sighed and sat down on Lexi's other side, her palms sliding against the fabric of her dress as her knees hit the sand. "Are you going to be in Orb for a while?"
"No reason not to be," Lexi replied, trying to keep the harsh tone from her words, but failing. Instead, she sighed and shifted her anger away from the women, putting her chin on her knees and looking out over the water. "Don't really have a reason to go back to the PLANTs at the moment."
"You wanna talk about it?" Cagalli asked and Lexi's head bobbed as she responded from her knees.
"Not really. Not yet."
"Well, we could go for a drive or something. Just get away for a bit," she suggested as a counteroffer and Lexi gave a sad laugh.
"Not sure what I want to do, to be honest. Just kinda feel… nothing."
It was sort of true. She felt some things, but not much. At least the Berserker's commentary seemed to have died down, but the echoes of its words still remained. Perhaps that was what she felt the most, the deep pit in her stomach from her actions and the events that were currently taking place.
"I don't mind sitting here if you don't," Lacus said after a brief moment, shifting to be more comfortable on the sand.
They sat that way for a time, the three of them silent in the ocean breeze. Lexi shivered a couple more times, but hid it well, burying her toes deeper up to her ankles instead, hems of her own trousers scraping across the ground. She was thankful for the jacket not only because she had failed to dress properly for the weather in Orb that evening, but also because it hid her grip. Lexi's fingers were digging hard into her upper arms, bruising her skin no doubt, but her shivering was beneath the chill across her skin and the biting pain was keeping it under control.
Time just sort of ceased as the night insects began filling the air with song and the pre-bedtime chatter of the children calmed down into quiet stillness of another day gone. The air, often fishy and wet during the day, was crisp and fresh, Lexi taking multiple deep breaths and hearing the other two do the same. She didn't need them to speak—didn't want them to speak and the redhead was happy to see they had caught onto that.
Some unknown minutes later, Lexi's phone went off, the buzzing loud in their serene silence and that the redhead jumped, not expecting the text. Cagalli moved before her, looking at the contents and relaying to the others.
"Text from Nam," she said. "She's taking the last shuttle out today and should be arrive in our afternoon tomorrow."
"That's nice of her," Lexi breathed, the ocean breeze pushing a few strands of hair across her cheek. "I didn't expect her to come."
"We'll pick her up," Lacus said and that was it, the three slipping back into silence before Murrue eventually ushered them all inside.
CE 73 April 7, Orb (Afternoon)
Namarra tugged her suitcase behind her, heading towards the exit with the taxis. She had arrived a little earlier than she had planned and that was a relief. Lexi running off to Orb meant something had gone south very quickly and Namarra needed a few extra moments to prepare. As far as she knew, no one had been injured, but the Natural was very aware of every possibility and even more aware that Lexi's mental state on its own would be a cause for concern.
Namarra no longer had a tally for how many times she had crossed through the Orb terminal and her mind went on autopilot, weaving through the other afternoon arrivals and barely even looking at the signs. She knew where to go and had no further luggage to pick up. If everything continued going smoothly, she would be back at their apartment in a half hour or so and she could start her preparations.
Her phone buzzed while she was walking and she pulled it from her pocket briefly, watching the device list the missed calls and messages she had missed while in flight. Namarra often liked to be reachable while she was travelling, but the radio silence was needed for this ride down. Lexi had support in both Orb and space, so Namarra was rarely worried anything would go wrong, but she hadn't particularly wanted to speak on the matter without having all the facts first.
Almost at her exit, Namarra saw the message about the girls picking her up at the same time as she saw the familiar blonde standing across from her waving a hand in the air. The afternoon was warmer than usual for that time of year and despite her status, Cagalli had managed to dress informally. Of course, bodyguards were never too far away and Namarra could point out at least three within a few feet of her, casually speaking on their phones.
Tensing, Namarra's grip tightened around her phone, but she lifted it up to return the wave nonetheless, veering in her direction despite the Natural much preferring taking a taxi home. Cagalli didn't look too happy to be there either, which made Namarra tense even more before burying the phone back in the pocket of her light jacket.
"Thanks for picking me up, though you really didn't have to," Namarra said as soon as they exchanged an awkward hug.
"Lacus and Lexi are in the car," was the curt response, her head flicking back through the pair of sliding doors nearby.
Namarra frowned, suspicious now seeing as the blonde was the only one to come inside. Given Cagalli's status, the need for her to keep safe, among a multitude of other things, it was a strange meeting. "Cags—"
"Spill it. What happened?"
…Ah. Namarra understood what was going on now.
Sighing, the Natural looked around. Thankfully, most of the passengers arriving had been delayed by getting their luggage, the only ones in immediate vicinity being Cagalli's guards. Still, she didn't want to speak on the matter just yet and opened her mouth to say as much. "I don't—"
"You know what happened so tell me. we're not leaving until you do."
It was a dangerous statement and Namarra's other half stirred with the challenge. There was a bubble of anticipation that rose in her gut, but the Natural swallowed it down. "Not my story to tell, Cags."
"Then tell me what you can. We're not going anywhere so you'd better get comfortable."
"Stop threatening me. I told you it's not my story to tell." Namarra looked around them again, glad to see the head count in the lobby seemed to be the same.
Cagalli's eyes narrowed and Namarra scoffed, frustrated by her determination. "You're both keeping something from me and it's pissing me off. Breakup or no, something else happened."
Of course something else happened, Namarra thought, but kept the sentiment to herself. Yes, Lexi would have been upset about any breakup with Yzak, but adding the little extra sauce of it being because of her Berserker half being in the position to serious injure or even kill Yzak was enough to send the redhead running. There's nothing scarier than yourself, Namarra was starting to believe and despite her frustration, she puffed out a breath. Cagalli was good intentioned and family; it seemed only fair the Natural share a bit of the story.
Sighing, the Natural gave in and threw up her hands. She nodded over to the seats near the double doors and lead the way. They both sat and Namarra rolled her suitcase off to her left side, away from Cagalli so they could talk unhindered. Leaning forward, she put her elbows on her knees and offered up a silent plea for Lexi to not get too angry with her.
"She went berserk," Namarra finally admitted.
"What do you mean?"
Namarra sighed and turned her head towards her, keeping her voice low. "On him. She went berserk on him."
Cagalli shifted, her fingers slowly curling into fists as her eyes grew wide. "You're kidding. She loves him."
Namarra watched the reaction, but had no words of comfort, sighing and turning to look back at the terminal. How much should she tell her? "That doesn't seem to matter."
"Is he okay?"
She nodded and then shrugged. "Physically, yes. I've been getting calls from him throughout this whole thing, but I have talked to him very little. I want to talk to Lexi first and I'd imagine she's not talking to him either."
"No," Cagalli admitted with a sigh. "Did it happen this week?"
"Apparently, a couple of weeks ago. They were trying to figure it out, but either it happened again, or one of them ended it."
Cagalli went silent for a moment and rubbed a hand over her mouth, leaning forward much like Namarra. "Was it that bad?"
Again, Namarra didn't want to share too much, but the way the blonde had worded it irked her. Was there ever a time one of them went berserk that it was okay? The level of naivety stung a little, but, in the end, that was also Namarra's and Lexi's faults. They kept a lot to themselves and the Natural offered up another apology before continuing. "Lexi completely blacked out. She didn't know she switched and only found out what had happened when Yzak told her after the fact."
"I take it, it doesn't normally do that?"
"No. There's typically some recollection and some control, but Lexi had none of that and it was just the two of them. Naturally, it terrified them," she continued through a breath, trying to keep from being overheard. "Well, her probably more so than him because she knows what it's capable of." Namarra paused and Cagalli seemed to let her, the Natural releasing another breath as she recounted the tale. It was tough even for her to speak on the matter let alone Lexi having to recount it. So much could have gone wrong…
"I couldn't imagine if her other half had actually tried to hurt him and she woke up to…" Namarra stopped and shook her head, choosing to not scare the blonde more than she probably already was. "If Lexi ended it, I think she's panicking. Based on the phone calls, that's what happened."
"Helmaya's balls," Cagalli cursed and sat heavily back in the chair. "What does it mean?"
Namarra paused, her mouth open to admit what she knew, but nothing came out. This was the part of the conversation few were privy to and no matter who Cagalli was, no matter who she was to Lexi, Namarra shouldn't be the one telling this side of the story. Because what it meant, was that the Berserker was getting stronger. It meant Lexi's consciousness was beginning to lose.
It meant she would be gone soon.
"It means we're running out of time," she said instead and stood. "There, I told you. Let's go."
Cagalli hadn't moved though, her eyes large after the admission. Her breathing was shallow and Namarra frowned. "C'mon, Cags, let's not keep them waiting any longer."
"What do you mean 'running out of time'?"
"Just that, Cags. Nothing more and nothing less."
"That's not nothing—Let me help," she said suddenly, interjecting into her own thought and jumping to her feet to put her hands on Namarra's shoulders. "I can help."
"No, you can't."
"Of course I can," she stressed, the blonde giving the Natural's shoulders a firm shake. "If we all—"
"No, Cags, you don't get it. No one can help."
"That's a lie."
Bold, Namarra thought and the anger flared hot. She grabbed her hand from her shoulder, squeezing it hard before throwing it back to Cagalli's side. "It's not a lie and that's the problem. Not even I can help—you get it now? This is between Lexi and herself. No one can fuckin' help!"
"So—what—you just give up, huh?" Cagalli hissed, her mouth sucking in the air loudly before she spat out another curse. "That's it? Poor Lexi?"
Namarra almost throttled her. Her hands even twitched with the effort, her mind's eye imagining her fingers around the blonde's throat. After everything they had gone through, every bit of information they had gathered over the past year, every last experience they had—learning that their Berserkers were linked to practically every emotion they had. There was nothing they owned about themselves. Nothing. And this person, no matter how well-intentioned dared claim they were doing nothing?
"Don't you ever tell me we're giving up. Don't you ever say that again." Namarra's voice was low despite her fury, leaning in towards Cagalli so threateningly even her guards moved nearby. The Natural was far from caring however, appalled that anyone, including the Orb Princess would claim Lexi and Namarra were giving up. "You know nothing about it, Cags. Nothing! You think this is easy?"
"Then talk to us!" Unlike Namarra's hushed anger, Cagalli was yelling and the Natural cursed her for it. The guards had walked closer and people were beginning to stop, now noticing the Chief Representative and the argument she was having with a dark-haired girl near the exit of the airport. It wouldn't be much longer before this was news and the topic was the furthest from anything the Natural had wanted out in the open.
It took a lot of effort, but eventually Namarra capped her urge to throttle the blonde, digging her nails into her palms as she breathed through her clenched teeth.
"Car. Now."
Cagalli had enough sense to realize what their outburst was brewing as well and snorted, but didn't argue. She reached around to grab Namarra's bag and pulled it behind her through the double doors, leaving Namarra no choice but to follow.
A/N: Happy New Year everyone! I do hope you all had a restful time and were able to spend it with the people you most wanted.
Was a rather... uncreative end of the year for me, unfortunately. Even NaNoWriMo didn't take off as planned, so this chapter is quite a bit later than I had planned. Sorry about that. I had hoped to finish this story by the end of the year, but it's looking like I'll need a little more time. I appreciate everyone's patience!
Not the happiest of chapters to come back to either, but events are moving right along and we should be seeing even more drama popping up in the chapters to come. Thanks again for hanging in there with me!
As a reminder, I have a running summary for this story and have posted it as a separate entry. I will not be adding chapters, per se, so the summary will not notify anyone when there is a new entry, but I plan on keeping it three chapters behind what has been posted. On that note, I will be getting as soon as I can.
As always, my beta, Death-Scimitar, needs the loudest applause. I appreciate her help and understanding, especially since this chapter was quite hard to pull from my head. I am so grateful to have her support.
Corrections to the Narrative:
I mentioned this last chapter, but I've been kinda under the speculation for some time that the twins had information on Hibiki. The key is what are they going to do with it?
Please take care of yourselves, everyone, and thanks again for taking the time to read this story. I'll see you next chapter!
Strata