Sparks Fly
A DC fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Superman, Livewire, Batman and all other characters and worlds are the property of Warner Brothers and DC Comics. Please support the official release.
Dick Grayson had come into some weird things in the Batcave before. Weird and amazing things, like the T-Rex robot from one of their first cases as Batman and Robin.
(Alfred still wouldn't tell him how Bruce had done it).
This though... This was just flat out disturbing.
Bruce was sitting in front of the Batcomputer, his mask off, his face pressed into his hands. Dick ran up to the side of his mentor, his adoptive father, and rested a hand on his shoulder. Usually Bruce would flinch at that, but he barely reacted.
"Bruce? What is it?" Dick asked. "Alfred told me it was an emergency but-!"
"HIYAH DICKIE BOY!"
Dick's entire body stiffened. It couldn't be...
A cute and familiar blonde woman, dressed in one of his old costumes, was cheerfully doing a routine on the balance bar. She flipped off the bar and landed with a flourish in front of Dick. She walked around Dick, and took her side at Bruce's side. She squeezed his shoulders, leaned down, and kissed his cheek affectionately.
"Harley Quinn?!" Dick cried in disbelief.
"That's my name, don't wear it out, sport!" Harley said with a happy wink. She rose up and patted Dick on his shoulder.
"Now now, I want you to know that despite the fact Brucie and I are going to be together, he still loves you Dickie," she said. "He just can't say it cause, ya know, he's him."
Bruce let out a long, low groan.
"Buuut, we'll be up to lots of activities that daddies and step mommies get up to! All part of a healthy relationship!" She patted his shoulder. "So just know that when the cave's a rockin-Eh, you know the rest!"
Harley beamed at the gobsmacked Dick.
"... Thanks for letting me know?" Dick managed.
"Also! I'm glad you cut the mullet off, that was just blech!" Harley said. "Not that anyone's complaining about the rest of ya!" She winked. She patted Bruce's shoulder and leaned in against him.
"How did you-Why are you-?" Dick tried.
"Oh, I've decided to switch sides!" Harley said cheerfully.
Harley beamed, and fell over into Bruce's lap as she kept her arms around his neck.
"It all began when I got declared sane," she said happily, "and I went out and accidentally kidnapped Veronica Vreeland-You remember that, don'tcha?"
Dick slowly nodded. "Yes," he said.
"Remember how Bats saved me from graspin' at straws? Even brought me my dress? Even flirted back!" Harley recounted. She beamed up at Bruce, whose shoulders seemed to sag even further. "Then I got to thinkin'! All those times he saved me from a little booby trap gone wrong... When Joker tried to throw me off a building as a distraction... Keeping all my costumes in a vault... It all finally clicked!"
Harley hugged Bruce tightly, nuzzling him affectionately. She then threw an arm out dramatically.
"This emotionally stunted man child was trying to tell me he loved me!" She kissed his other cheek, smiling like the sun. "After he got tossed aside and used by that two faced cat burglar! We're just two tragic souls, used and abused by others-It's like fate!"
"I... How did you figure out-?" Dick tried. Bruce finally spoke.
"She profiled me," he grunted. Harley nodded.
"Right! Who had gone through something bad enough they'd wage war on all crime? Who would try to make Gotham a better place? Who has family roots in here goin' all the way to the founding! And who else has that chin?" Harley grinned and nuzzled Bruce. "It all came together!"
Bruce let out another groan. Harley tapped her chin thoughtfully.
"Of course, given the mountain of issues he's got after all this time, he'll need some means to work it out!" She lowered her voice and spoke in a faux whisper, "I think I'll need a safe word or two."
Dick blinked several times. Harley continued to nuzzle Bruce.
"I'm lookin' forward to it! No more face painted abusive losers for me! Brucie is better in every single way!" Harley crowed. "Especially down stairs!"
Bruce grasped his hair like he was trying to yank his head off. Harley slid out of his lap, with a deliberate wiggle of her bottom against him that almost didn't make Dick sick to his stomach. She then sauntered off.
"But you two have some catchin' up to do!" Harley said cheerfully. "Enjoy!"
Dick watched her go, and then slowly looked back at the hopeless expression on Bruce's face.
"... We have a plan for getting rid of her, right?" Dick asked.
Bruce slowly looked up into Dick's eyes.
"What could we possibly do to her," he began slowly, "that the Joker hasn't?"
Dick raised a finger, sure that an answer would come to him. Any time now. Any time after now, so he would stop looking like a fish gasping for water.
Bruce just stared back. Dick lowered his finger and let out a sigh.
"Please tell me Alfred hasn't locked the liquor cabinet yet?" He asked.
"If he hadn't, do you think I'd be sitting here sober?" Bruce demanded.
Admittedly, not too different from the original Bruce has a Problem. But why try to top perfection?
