FIFTEEN
Saturday morning finds her sulking, but not sad. She isn't crying; therefore, she isn't sad.
She has Dáinsleif clutched in her arms, face squished against his soft plush body, her homework and blankets shoved to the floor. It's her room, all to herself; she can make whatever mess she wants without other girls fussing about the finite space of their dormitory, without matrons chiding her to be mindful and tidy, without Papa telling her that an organized room reflects an organized mind, without Carol complaining loudly or retaliating sharply.
No, Carol won't complain or retaliate, since, well—she doesn't need to anymore. Carol has her own life now, with her own room and her own toys and her own friends and her own parents. Even if Carol won't admit that she loves them, it's so obvious that she does, or at least that she loves Dr. Tachibana and likes Mrs. Tachibana enough to be openly happy with them. She'll even love Aunt Chris, now, because Aunt Chris has gotten Carol a present, which is the best way to win Carol's favor.
She pouts even more.
Aunt Chris hadn't even seen her, nor had Carol, and today Aunt Chris is visiting but Elfnein had been told to entertain herself for a bit while the adults talked about "boring adult things, darling," in Tsubasa's office—but what does that mean? A spark of anxiety jumps from her head to her stomach to her fingertips and back through the circuit. She doesn't want to put to words what the spark means, doesn't want to put a name to the feelings the spark brings. She curls more tightly around Dáinsleif, as if he can snuff out the spark or break the circuit.
He can't, of course.
[***]
"Elfnein?" Maria's voice calls as she knocks on Elfnein's closed door.
She uncurls, just a little, blinking the sleepiness out of her eyes. She clears her throat. "You can come in," she calls back. She rolls over as the door opens and steps approach her, but she doesn't make eye contact with Maria, who kneels next to her bed.
"Did you have a nice nap, darling?" Maria croons, running her fingers through Elfnein's short hair and thankfully not mentioning the mess Elfnein has made on the floor.
Not really, but that reminds her that she's been sulking for the entire time the adults were busy, so she doesn't answer. Maria doesn't press. She basks in the attention for a few minutes, until curiosity and insecurity drive her to ask, "Is Aunt Chris still here?"
"She is, yes. Actually, we changed our plans a bit, and she wants to know if we want to go on a picnic with her, Genjuurou, and Yatsuhiro. What do you say, darling?" Maria's hand nudges her shoulder gently.
Her eyes widen. Mr. Kazanari-the-Giant and Mr. Kazanari-the-Elder are here?
If she were Carol (the old Carol, the Carol who left her behind), she would probably say no just to be able to sulk longer. Elfnein, however, very much wants to see her Aunt Chris and she hasn't been on a picnic since that time Tsubasa and Maria took her on one at the orphanage to get to know her better—the day they told her they wanted to adopt her and asked her if she wanted them.
She sits up. She stares at Dáinsleif, then she puts him aside to meet Maria's open gaze.
"Yes," she says and feels lighter, floaty without the weight of her brooding when Maria's eyes crinkle, pleased.
[***]
From Mr. Giant's shoulders, Aunt Chris suddenly looks tiny. Everything looks miniscule. Is this how Riel felt, in Kekkai Sensen & Beyond episode nine? Will she stop caring for Aunt Chris if she stays up here too long?
Aunt Chris notices her staring, shrugs, and says, "Guess I lost the genetic lottery, and then I hated eating vegetables. Don't skip the greens if you want a shot at being tall, kiddo, especially if you're set on being as tall as a bear."
"I want to be at least 183 cm, but some bears are over 3 meters," Elfnein tells her. Her birth parents weren't short at all, and she isn't a picky eater like Carol can be. It's reasonable, it's attainable, and she won't ever forget the little people!
"So, taller than even Maria. You want to be my height, more or less. Your German roots definitely help, but you will need a good diet and physical regimen to make the most of what nature has given you. Perhaps I can adjust one of my regimens, like I did for Hibiki," Mr. Giant muses, his fingers tapping on her ankles.
Maria steps out of the house then, although she mostly appears to Elfnein as a big floppy hat moving around, and says, "Elfnein's barely eleven and still in elementary school, Genjuurou. Let's wait on the body building until she's at least in middle school. Tsubasa took the food with her when she went ahead with Yatsuhiro, right?"
From her perch, it's easy to hide the pout that overtakes her. Then she yelps when Mr. Giant starts walking—being so high up while moving might make her dizzy, noooo. They all head away from the flower fields, though she's not sure which way they go because she keeps her eyes very firmly upward. How did Riel cope with such a stark change in perspective? …He mostly didn't. She really hopes she won't have this problem when she's tall!
"Body improvement, not body building," Mr. Giant says. "And yes, they have everything with them already."
"That's a fine line for most people."
"How about a sport? Soccer is all the rage now, or she can follow in the family footsteps by going into kendo. Table tennis, badminton, softball, do they have volleyball at the elementary level? She could join a swimming team, or do track like Miku did. She's fit despite being a hardcore nerd."
Did Papa ever carry her or Carol like this?
"Kendo! There's a fine idea. We have a distant relative whose husband owns a very respectable dojo in the city. Their daughter is the primary instructor now; I hear she does quite well."
"Tsubasa and I don't want Elfnein to overwhelm herself. She's already taken up piano lessons, and she studies diligently every day. Children need time to play, you know."
"Flailing around with sticks trying to hit each other doesn't count as playing?"
"When you put it that way—"
She doesn't remember. Maybe that means he didn't… or maybe that means she's forgetting him. Which is worse? Does it matter? Papa is—gone. Memories are all she has left.
"—HA! I should tell Yatsu that one. Perhaps I can arrange for a demonstration during a school break; I'm sure my old friend won't mind. What do you think, Elfnein? Does any sport sound appealing?"
Blinking, she replies, "I-I'm not sure…."
"We can talk about it later if you want to, Elfnein. There's no rush," says Maria.
"O-Okay."
"Oh, watch out for branches and be careful with your head, Elfnein. We are heading into the woods now," says Mr. Giant.
Her eyes widen as she realizes that they're really close to the woods lining one side of the estate. "Can I come down?" She hadn't had permission to go into the woods alone, so this is the perfect chance to explore!
Mr. Giant laughs, easily setting her on her feet on the ground and holding her steady while she finds her balance again.
"Don't wander from the path and don't go too far ahead from us so you don't get lost in the woods, darling," Maria says, patting her head.
"Okay!" Immediately, she darts over to a cluster of mushrooms that've caught her eye. She hasn't seen these before, and the ferns next to them are different from the ones closer to the house, and there are some tiny white flowers just over there, and near those are—!
"Well, I guess this'll give Tsubasa and her old man more parent-child bonding time."
"You mean more time to talk politics."
"My brother is perfectly capable of discussing matters other than politics."
"Hmm, like economics?"
"Got it in one!"
[***]
"Enjoying yourself, darling child?" Tsubasa's voice interrupts her chase of a yellow butterfly.
"Yeah!" She trips over her own feet but doesn't fall. The butterfly flies further up and toward the tops of the trees, so she wanders back to the picnic blanket and makes sure to carefully step around Aunt Chris's sprawled limbs. "Can we come here more often?" She plops down in between Tsubasa and Maria, accepting a small container of fruit salad from Maria.
Tsubasa, who somehow is still in the seiza position along with Mr. Kazanari-the-Elder (don't his joints hurt?), says, "Yes, certainly. I would have brought you here sooner if I had known about the secondary trail to find this place. Father recently found some of the less antiquated maps of the estate, which he and I will be updating over the upcoming months. You may come with us for some of the closer areas."
She swallows hastily to ask, "Why do you have to update the maps?"
It's Mr. Giant who answers, "The estate has undergone significant changes over the centuries that it has been in our family. The feudal era brought some of the largest changes to the estate, but the modern era rivals that one in magnitude and the past two or three generations—" here he elbows his brother, who rolls his eyes—"have not adequately kept up with documenting those changes."
"What kinds of changes?"
"Hmm, well, some of these changes were structural ones for the nearby village and for the compound itself: such as when you must replace your clothes as you outgrow them, so too did the family and the village require accommodations for their expansion. Other changes were geographical as we leveled hills and cut down forests for things like farming and construction. Still others were legal, as when we sold a portion of the attached rice farms to other families just a few years ago, which changed the property line of the estate."
Aunt Chris rolls over to face them, grumbling, "Most of that's ancient history with little relevance to us. The fun part is the exploring, of course."
"Even if you think it's not relevant, Chris, you should at least show respect to the history of your senpai's ancestral home," Maria scolds and leans over to ruffle Aunt Chris's hair.
"O-Oi, don't say things like that!" Aunt Chris hides her bright red face in her hands.
"My home is your home, Yukine," Tsubasa says, which seems to make steam come out of Aunt Chris's ears (Elfnein is pretty sure that isn't physically possible yet Aunt Chris has somehow done it).
Maria adds, smoothing down Elfnein's hair, "Our home is yours, Elfnein. We belong here."
[***]
She holds Maria's hand on the way back. She doesn't let go, even when they stop at the driveway to say goodbye to Aunt Chris and Mr. Giant and Mr. Creaky.
Inside, Tsubasa makes some fresh tea. Maria and Elfnein sit at one of the couches, and she lets herself be cuddled while the synapses in her brain engage.
Normally, her brain cells would be busy unpacking everything she had observed over the course of their walk to and from the clearing in the woods: rehashing the highlights of the bugs, plants, fungi, and birds she'd seen in pursuit of something to have fun researching in depth. Maybe she would be making lists of questions in one of her notebooks, or trying to sketch things from memory, or describing scenes to the best of her ability in long, rambling paragraphs.
Her brain ignores all that. Instead, she follows the topic of family history to its logical conclusion, which means her brain goes back to questions she has been putting off: how did she not realize that her father, the only person besides Carol to have been a constant in her life, was a bad man? What were the signs of his criminal activities? When did he commit crime? Where did his life philosophy suggest villainy rather than heroism? Was his status as a bad man a matter of law or a matter of ethics?
"You're tense, darling." A hand runs through her hair.
It isn't a question, so she doesn't answer. Her jaw feels glued shut.
Eventually, Tsubasa sets down a tray with a full tea set prepared. "Do you want to talk, Elfnein? Maria and I are ever at your disposal."
Kazanari is one of those old families with long histories. Tsubasa, both Mr. Kazanari, and even Aunt Chris know a lot about so many generations of their family. The picture room is full of not only Tsubasa's photographs, but also of many other family members over many years. They have maps from the feudal era, they probably have countless records of their business transactions, and of course they have a family home.
In a history as long as the Kazanari one—it's statistics, isn't it? So, she asks, "What did Papa do to be called a criminal? What kind of criminal was he? Why didn't he tell us? Did someone kill him? Why, why we didn't notice?"
Tsubasa's eyebrows go up in surprise. "Please allow us a few minutes to construct a response," she says as she slides two coasters across the table, "and while we do so, please have some tea. It should be cool enough to drink now." She takes her own cup, but makes eye contact with Maria somewhere above Elfnein's head.
She doesn't want tea, nor does she want to sit up, but she's glad to have someone else take the burden of answering the questions she's raised. Even if only Papa has—had—complete answers, she doesn't have to wander around in the dark by herself for the pieces left behind like other orphans might.
The tea is tart and a nice dark red. Adding two spoonsful of honey might have been too much. It's warm.
When she puts her cup down on the coaster, Maria and Tsubasa seem to take it as a signal; Maria shifts so that they're face to face on the couch, both hands holding her own.
"First and most important for you to know, Elfnein," says Maria, "you are not at fault for not realizing the truth of the situation. Responsibility is the job of adults, not children, because they have much more information, knowledge, and knowledge in their hands.
"You see, darling child, a parent's world is like… like an Euler diagram. That means your world, even as expansive as your curiosity makes it, is entirely contained within your parent's world, which is even larger and full of things that aren't relevant to you. They have jobs, hobbies, entire personal histories removed from their children. That's normal.
"So don't blame yourself for not knowing everything about your father, okay, Elfnein?"
With a lump in her throat, all she can do is nod and try not to cry.
[***]
She wants to call Maria and Tsubasa "Mom" and "Dad" again.
a/n:
Huzzah!Does anyone know what would be good nicknames/diminutives for Elfnein and Carol? Like… El-chan/El-tan/El-min/Erumin, or something like how "Claudine" somehow turns into "Kuro(ko)"? I ask because Tsubasa calls Elfnein "darling child," and Maria calls her "darling," and I wanted to branch out but Elfnein and Carol are distinctly non-Japanese names and even if they were I don't know enough to come up with something reasonable...
