SEVENTEEN
Some say married persons take on each other's traits as time passes.
Her hands shake, her pulse gallops through her heart, and sweat drips from her face. All she can smell is freshly pressed coffee beans, all she can taste is freshly distilled coffee, all she can hear is the fresh caffeine in her veins chasing down every last thought her mind can muster—all thoughts, except one.
"I just—I keep waiting for her to appear, to scold me for being reckless. To tell me—tell me that I need to focus. Where is she? Why isn't she stopping me?"
Tsubasa doesn't know whether married persons truly become more alike as time passes, but she knows that from the beginning, she and Maria have been very similar: not superficially, but definitely in their thought processes. It is only relatively recently, after all, that Tsubasa snuffed that mote of desperate, delusional denial in her own heart. Fitfully, yet ever onward she goes in this reality in which she lives and Kanade does not. She is now a messy person by habit, not deliberate challenge.
I keep waiting—where is she? Where is she? Where is she?
"I'm going to put Maru-chan to bed," the real Maria says with a touch to her elbow to get her attention. "Don't drink any more coffee, okay? I order this stuff extra-strong, and you're already on your second cup… you'll have a hard time sleeping tonight." Again, real-Maria's eyes accuse her. Maybe 'accuse' is a strong word; real-Maria's lips press into a line that is more concern than anger.
As her wife predicts, the caffeine keeps her from sinking into the oblivion that is sleep. She is left alone as the household settles for the night.
Elfnein goes to bed with far less tension than she had had the night before; all the tears of the day have cleansed the child of the conflicting knot of emotions that had anguished her since the day young Carol absconded from school with her. Tonight, the child falls easily into untroubled sleep, curled up close in Maria's arms.
Despite clearly wanting to have a serious conversation, Maria could not leave Elfnein to sleep alone. Maria does not parent with the heavy hand that Nastassja favored. Maria chooses the child over the adult.
Rather than inflict her restlessness on her sweetly sleeping family, Tsubasa anchors herself to the recliner she has in her study. The caffeine wants her to move, to pace, to tear through every room and every hallway of this wretched home. It tells her to chase that wretched question to the ends of the Earth.
Hunt, or be hunted.
She turns off the lights. She stares at the shadows of the ceiling for a while, then she closes her eyes to meditate, then she deepens her breathing, then she thinks of sheep jumping over fences on the back of her eyelids, and then she opens her eyes to stare at the ceiling once again in frustrated dissatisfaction. Maybe a second patrol around her home will quiet the helpless restlessness of her body.
Everything else has been addressed except that single wretched question.
It nips, barely coherent yet viciously insistent, at her back. It chases her from her study to Elfnein's bedroom where her family lies, then to the empty bedroom she shares with her wife, from there to the rooms that had housed Chris and Kirika and Shirabe, then to the sitting room they most frequent, then it chases her down countless lonely halls until she gasps for breath in front of Kanade's portrait.
She does not see Kanade's face in the darkness of night. She knows, however, that Kanade watches her. Tsubasa has living confidants, yet tonight she chose to come here.
Did she choose Kanade because the grief of that day has finally aged into something less bitter, more sweet? Did she choose a ghost because her living friends have only just begun to mend their friendship with her? Did she choose this room because Fudou is here, too? Did she come here because this is a reminder of the other people who once made her helpless?
Perhaps Tsubasa is here because she did not let herself tell Kanade everything, that day she could no longer bear the weeks' worth of resentment from Finé's return. Tsubasa had put her daughter foremost, which had meant reconciling with Chris and Hibiki and Miku enough to let Carol step foot in Tsubasa's family home.
"Why so much negativity alluva sudden? Didn't today go great? Your friends, they're good kids, y'know."
Kanade's ever-confident grin does not waver when Tsubasa says, "I can't avoid that damn question anymore." She paces a bit, then gives up and kneels properly in front of Kanade's portrait. Her heartrate normalizes. "And they are not children, Kanade. They are, in fact, many years your senior now." She is sure that fact hurts her more than it hurts Kanade.
"Stop messing around. Tell it to me straight."
"I'm not messing around," she grumbles, crossing her arms. "I am quite serious. We are all older, and our problems are those of adults. How does anyone deal with multiple problems at once, some of which even have multiple fronts? I couldn't adequately focus all at once on the revelation of Elfnein's sister and Finé's resurrection and Chris' emotional state and my friends' betrayal and Nastassja's missing body!"
She takes deep breaths.
"So you did the smart thing. That's how it goes, Tsubasa—one problem at a time."
The wretched question is not, Where is Nastassja's body? The wretched question is: "But did I prioritize them appropriately?"
Once the apology Queens of Music abridged tour ended, Tsubasa had entreated Yatsuhiro for funds and personnel to look for Nastassja's body. Tsubasa could have used her own considerable funds and personnel, but Fudou had kept too close an eye on her finances and activities to do such a thing. He would have cut her off from everyone to teach her a lesson about "ignoring transient distractions," whereas Yatsuhiro, being a discarded heir, had much more freedom.
Yatsuhiro's investigation yielded nothing but Ver's not-even-confirmed involvement. By the time Fudou passed and Tsubasa could commit more money, more people, more time to look for Nastassja, all clues and trails to both Nastassja and Ver had long gone cold. Maria reluctantly resigned herself to never finding her mother's body.
But it was in the little moments that Tsubasa could see how brittle Maria's resignation was: bouts of caffeine over-consumption, frivolous spending, and questionable dress have peppered Maria's days.
Finé might know. Instead, Tsubasa chose to address every other problem stemming from Finé's reappearance. She made the decision together with Maria, but she knows she deliberately did not point out the possibility of Finé's knowledge to Maria.
"Maria chose the child over the adult. So did I. To let Carol Malus Dienheim into my home, I had to let Miku and Hibiki into my home. To let them in, I had to reconcile with them. To reconcile, I had to fulfill my familial duty to Chris. To fulfill my duty, I had to control my anger. To control my anger, I needed time. Now that this chain has reached its conclusion, ongoing as it may be, I can finally address the needs of Maria.
"What if I had gone straight to bringing young Carol here? If I hadn't been so weak…"
"Being a crybaby doesn't make you weak, Tsubasa. What's done is done."
She stands, paces, and comes to a stop in front of a different portrait.
"Why can't your precious name ever give me anything good?" She looks him in the eye as she never could in life. This man told her that their name meant nothing was out of their reach, yet here she is tonight!
"Yelling at him won't do anything. C'mon, crybaby. I'm sure your wife has something to say about all this."
Maria stands in the doorway.
"Here you are," Maria says, rumpled from sleep and beautiful as ever. That Maria bows to Kanade, murmuring a greeting, makes it easier for Tsubasa to subdue the embarrassment-guilt-joy-shame which always smolders when Maria and Kanade encounter each other's existence. The worry in Maria's eyes softens the frustration in her tone when she says, "Will you tell me now what's bothering you?"
She takes a moment to brush the edge of Kanade's frame. The wood is warm. She says, "Yes," and allows Maria to guide her away.
[* * *]
"Dearest, that coffee is frightfully strong. Do you really have it every day?"
"Clearly, you've never worked with teenagers. Tsubasa, I need every bit of energy I can get to wrangle those rapscallions. It's harder than herding a bunch of cats!"
"…Will Elfnein be like that in her teenage years?"
"…I'm sure she'll take after you. Nurture over nature will be in our favor."
"Let it be so. I don't think my heart could keep up with daily doses of caffeine. Speaking of which, I've scheduled a physical for you."
"At this hour? The perks of being rich enough to have a doctor always on call. Anyway, it's not necessary, darling. A little coffee won't hurt me."
"When did you get a medical degree?"
"…Okay, fine. But only to make you feel better, Tsubasa!"
[* * *]
Black lightens into pre-dawn grey. Maria's arms around her ward off the automatic shame-guilt-anger-self-loathing that usually grows over the course of a sleepless night like this.
How did she live so long without having the balm of a loved one's touch?
Right here, right now, she can say she truly understands Miku's life philosophy: right here, right now, she has someone who can express their love for her without reservation. The lonely child she once was finally has a family she can call hers.
She panicked last night. Perhaps they have in fact taken on some of each other's traits. Last night, she was the anxious one, and Maria was the level-headed one. That is fine. Breakdowns are not a sign of weakness, not a stain on her being, not a shame of failure. A breakdown is a symptom of stress. Her mental health is not a dirty secret.
Grey lightens further into yellow-pink dawn. She is okay, and so is Maria. Even if she is not okay—she is still safe.
[* * *]
"I'm feeling better now," she says into Maria's shoulder.
Maria mumbles, "Great. 'M gonna need that coffee…." She yawns.
She resists the answering yawn that pulls at her; she can take a nap after breakfast.
"I'm not saying you got more upset than I did." Maria, sounding much more awake, gently dislodges her to sit upright in their bed. "You know I appreciate the sheer amount of effort you put into trying to find my mother. And maybe Finé has some answers. But… you get a bit, well—you get all intense to a frankly scary degree. I think you need to step back a little.
"I think you should spend some time with Miku and Hibiki."
She understands, but still she frowns, "Without you? When we have a new lead to find Nastassja?"
"Don't you miss them?" Maria presses. "Out of all of us, Hibiki and Miku have been with you the longest. They met you when you were," Maria waves vaguely, "you know, a 'sword.' Genjuurou, Yatsuhiro, and Kanade have watched you grow, but Miku and Hibiki—they've grown with you. You're important to them, and they're important to you." Maria forestalls her protest with a shake of her head. "Tsubasa, my mother is dead. Finding her body won't change that.
"But Hibiki and Miku, they're alive. You shouldn't let your precious friendship break. They honestly don't mind taking you along on their dates, for goodness' sake! They invited you into their lives. They made a place for you with them!"
"So, I should give them a second chance?" she says, not because she believes that framing, but because she wants to hear what Maria thinks.
Maria vehemently shakes her head. "This isn't about whether they deserve a second chance, or that they've earned the right to be heard. This is, this is about the fact that when you started being human again, you started with them. Your worry about my mom's—" Maria clears her throat, and Tsubasa catches a few tears—"Just, stop tying yourself into knots. We're partners. Finé isn't going anywhere. You miss our friends. That's it. Okay?"
"Yes, dearest." She pulls Maria's head to the crook of her shoulder. Maria does not cry. Her grip on Tsubasa is almost strong enough to bruise.
The gap between meeting Hibiki and Miku and meeting Maria hadn't been that long, especially considering how many years they've all been friends now, but she can appreciate now that the person she had been upon meeting Maria had already made significant progress on decoupling her identity from her ability as a sword.
Her friendship with Miku and Hibiki is so solidly tranquil, and her relationship with Maria is so effervescent, that she did not realize Hibiki and Miku mean so much to her.
She listens to Maria's breathing calm down. She listens to the steady inhale and exhale as her thoughts percolate.
Tension drains from her.
"I really do miss them."
a/n:
woo! A new chapter! We're that much closer to The End. I was thinking about that one time Miku and Hibiki invited Tsubasa along on their not-date, and then I headcanon'd too hard! I tried to cut down the resulting rant into something that works in-fic and isn't info-dumping. Also, it's occurred to me that my scene breaks are wildly inconsistent, lol. I might fix that someday.
I hope everyone's doing well!
