Twenty

After, she goes straight home: into Tsubasa's arms, cheeks smushed together, legs tangled, hands fisted in each other's clothing. Her knuckles grind against the smooth, unyielding metal of Genjuurou's car with how hard she pushes her body against Tsubasa's.

Tsubasa holds her tightly, anchors her to the present, sears warmth back into her bones. The knot in her throat threatens to become a fully-fledged bawl the same way her quick departure from Finé became a flat-out run to Tsubasa, but Tsubasa coaxes her into gentle, easy crying, instead. There are tears, her heart is going through the ringer, but she can still breathe.

She can still breathe.

[***]

"How're you feeling, Maria?" Kirika leans in close to peer at her expression. Behind Kirika, Shirabe solemnly nods along.

"Girls, I'm fine. I'm fine," she assures them, both because it's the truth and because she doesn't want to linger long on her emotional state. She's fine, but she is also sure her equanimity won't hold up to scrutiny. It's only somewhat a moot point, since she will definitely end up in tears again sooner rather than later. Sooner, not later—not yet. There will be ugly sobbing in her near future, but this is her present. She's fine right now; she'll remain fine just long enough to get through this conversation as long as her girls don't push the matter.

They stare at each other, Kirika and Shirabe and Maria. Their eyes tell her that they know a misplaced nudge will topple her. Her eyes insist that she doesn't want to talk about her raw feelings.

Shirabe forestalls Kirika's doubt and bites the bullet, though not without a pointed look that promises a crying fest soon—"Then… how did it go?"

Her mind jumps to Finé, insouciant and nonchalant and dismissive: Isn't it obvious, darling?

She wants to say she kept a level, calm head once in Finé's presence. She had been all set to lay into Finé with all the anger Finé's resurrection has reignited; after her spar with Hibiki, however, she had cleared her mind and set aside her anger. Anger would only provide Finé with an opening. She had even managed to tamp down the anger sparked from finding out that someone gave Finé an apartment—she's not a cell, not a dungeon, not a cage—a spacious, excessive 1LDK apartment.

Finé lives in an apartment as if she's just some random, ordinary denizen with money to spend. Who made that decision? Genjuurou? Yatsuhiro? Some government official bribed by Finé's endless coffers?

Alright—so she's still a bit angry about that. Regardless, she had been determined not to let her anger, no matter how righteous, get the best of her. She had meditated. She had cleared her mind of stray thoughts and emotions. She had walked through Finé's front door fully intending to get the only answer she wants and promptly leave. She had stood across from a smirking Finé and told herself not to let Finé bait her.

Unfortunately for her, Finé still knows just which strings to pluck to play a person to her own tune. She's going to have to tell Hibiki that her definition of "reformed villain" needs serious revision, because Finé has lost absolutely none of her sadism.

[***]

"Goodness gracious, Maria! How you've grown! It feels like just yesterday that you had to use a stepstool to look into the operating theater. Oh! You and your sister were so adorable back then!"

"Nastassja made her bed. Slippery woman that she was, she didn't have to lie in it, unlike some of us, but she chose her path."

"Isn't it obvious, darling?"

"Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall."

"Rascals; little hellions, aren't they? My Chris was so much better behaved at their age!"

"You're lucky I'm not pressing an identity theft lawsuit, you know. I might be dead, but my reputation and my estate certainly aren't!"

"All the king's horses and all the king's men—"

"Three guesses, Maria, and the first two don't count."

"Hibiki has definitely grown into her body. It's such a shame she's married now. She's such a straight-laced girl, and straight-laced ones would sooner break than cheat on their spouse."

"All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't find Dumpty's body again."

"—do you really think I would be so foolish as to confess anything when Genjuurou's listening? You know I'm a competent villain. Ahem. Reformed villain, of course, as Hibiki can attest. I was a competent villain in my youth an indeterminate while ago."

"No, that's not how it goes."

"I should ask someone to give my regards to Ver. Dear man already had a few screws loose in his head; I can't imagine what a life on the lam has wrought on him. Some people just aren't made for this life, darling."

"Have you figured it out?"

"Of course, I'm legally dead, so you don't have to worry about losing custody."

"Her body is on The Frontier. In case you forgot, The Frontier was in space for a few years and then it got blasted into uncountable little bits by a top-secret US organization."

"—couldn't put Dumpty to~gether a~gain~!"

[***]

Before, she has no appetite for breakfast: she half-heartedly nibbles on saltines only to appease Tsubasa and Chris and Elfnein. Chris and Tsubasa urge her to be pragmatic, while Elfnein looks at her with such soulful eyes that she can't help but reach for more crackers. She even adds a bit of peanut butter to them, for extra protein.

"I'm surprised you managed to sleep at all," Chris remarks as she shoves food around on her plate; Chris doesn't have to worry about keeping her energy up and wits sharp.

"She took sleeping pills!" Elfnein explains with far too much enthusiasm.

Tsubasa adds, very helpfully, "She also abstained from that poison masquerading as 'coffee' for an entire day. I can only hope that her body still remembers how to function without absurd levels of caffeine."

There's no need for coffee when anxiety already has her blood racing. The deep, clumsy grogginess of the pills has long since faded away.

She's awake, she's agitated, and she's not yet ready to face Finé.

"It's okay," she says. "I'm okay. Let's go before we set an even worse example for Elfnein." She carefully gets up and steps away from the table. She breathes in, out. In, out.

"We are hardly—" Tsubasa starts to protest as Chris says, "You might want to meditate to center yourself. If you give Finé an inch, she'll take your whole goddamn life."

"Chris!"

"Ah, my bad. Please excuse my language, kiddo."

Elfnein probably didn't hear, busy as she is scrambling to reach her, arms outstretched.

Not wanting to push Elfnein away, yet also unsure of her ability to function properly, she decides keep still and let her daughter do the hugging. She finds herself grateful that one hand manages to stroke Elfnein's hair even if the other stays limp at her side.

Don't dissociate, don't dissociate, don't dissociate—

Elfnein doesn't say anything. Tsubasa and Chris look back at her, at them, worried but not panicked. In her chest, her heart stops rattling.

She hugs Elfnein and whispers into her daughter's hair, "Thank you, Elfnein."

[***]

"Honestly? I don't know why I'm so scared. She wasn't nearly so frightening when I was literally a vulnerable child!"

"You see the horror behind the pain, now."

"But, but—it's not like Finé hurt me like she hurt Chris!"

"That does not make your fear any less real or valid. Rational or not, you are afraid right now. There is no shame in this, Maria. You can only be brave when you are afraid."

She subsides at that.

Alright, so she's scared. She's also feeling determined, angry, and—yes—brave.

[***]

During, she realizes she underestimated Finé: those dark eyes meet her easily without fear, without worry, without remorse.

"You did a passable impersonation of me, darling, which was certainly enough to fool the masses. Personally, however, I found it lacking a little… oh, je ne sais quoi. Elegance, perhaps? Or dare I say… agency?"

She bites her tongue. She only just keeps herself still in her seat. The gall of this woman!

[***]

Kirika and Shirabe have her squished between them.

The bawling she's kept at bay has finally broken out of her throat, her lungs, her eyes. Yet she is not so far gone that she does not realize her little sisters are crying, too. Finally, they can grieve their mother together.

They cry together, and the world keeps spinning.

It's been a long day. It's going to be a long night.

Sometimes bad things happen and you don't die.

The world keeps spinning.

And they're crying, together.