DISCLAIMER: Characters of Veronica Mars, the canon events of their storylines, and recognizable dialogue belong to Rob Thomas.

A/N:

Before I say anything else … a note about upcoming posts:

I plan to post another chapter and a one-shot by the end of the year.

Happy holidays!

[

The timeline of this series begins Christmas 2004 (Chapter 2 of Stall = modified version of #1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas"). As Chapter 7 of Learning begins, it is Christmas 2008, and we are four years into the timeline (approximate total = 250,000 words so far).

The upcoming chapters here in Part 4 and then in Part 5 will cover the remaining seven and a half years of this series timeline (approximately 100,000 words to go).

[

I've mentioned this before … As I was finishing Part 1, I outlined the rest of this series. Some scenes/moments were clear in my head even then. So, I've known this was coming. And I've tried to warn you along the way that there would be a "final breakup" and then they would spend years apart before they get back together in Part 5.

Here it is. It's painful. Even for me.

Prepare your hearts.

If you cry easily, you might want to get some tissues before you start reading.

[

Occurs between late December 2008 and early January 2009 (about two and a half weeks) — Christmas break and the beginning of spring semester her junior year at Sweet Briar.

This chapter begins the day after the previous chapter ended.


Chapter 7

On Friday, Alicia and Dad let us kids sleep in while the two of them made a huge breakfast. After we ate, they sent us out to shop the after-Christmas sales—mostly looking for wrapping paper and other items for next Christmas.

After Alicia gave me a list of things to look for and Dad handed me some cash and his credit card, they explained that they would stay home to clean up the kitchen. Even as they spoke, I suspected there was more to it than that.

Wallace, Darrell, and I were out for a few hours, and we managed to get most of what Alicia had asked us to find. We split up for a while so that Wallace could help Darrell spend his Christmas gift cards wisely.

When we arrived home, it was obvious that Dad and Alicia had wanted the house to themselves. We found them dancing in the living room. And by dancing, I mean making out while standing up. My instinct was to cover Darrell's eyes.

I didn't recognize the song that was playing, but Dad knew it well enough to sing along.

Listen to me, and I will try to

Sing you a song that makes you see

How much I long to be beside you

And how much you mean to me

Wallace groaned loudly and guided Darrell from the room. I averted my eyes and headed for the storage closet just off the kitchen. I was putting away our purchases when Dad joined me. He chatted away, making what seemed like nervous small talk. It amused me that he might be embarrassed that we had walked in on them dancing.

Among Dad's rambling was info about the song they had been dancing to. He had told me about the song earlier this year. Dan Fogelberg, one of Dad's favorite musicians, had written and recorded it for his wife a couple years ago. But it wasn't released until this past Valentine's Day, just a couple months after his death.

Dad liked to ramble random facts. And since I missed the sound of his voice when I was away at school, I was happy to let him tell me about anything and everything while I was at home.

[

[

Late Saturday morning, I got a text from Eli letting me know that he was on his way to pick me up. He had worked late the night before, finishing repairs to a client's bike.

During our drive to the B&B, I found myself thinking about Dad and Alicia—what they had together and how happy I was for them. When they had started dating, Wallace and I weren't sure what we thought about it. But it had turned out to be a wonderful thing for all five of us.

Both of them had been through a lot before they met one another, but each of them were stronger for all they'd been through. And as a couple, they supported and complemented one another. Bottom line, they were stronger together than they were separately.

[

Eli and I arrived at the B&B a little after 1:00 pm. As we carried our bags upstairs, Eli told me that he had arranged for us to have a late lunch alone in our room. After Bri set everything on the table, she excused herself. Eli immediately locked the door.

The meal was delicious, as was the dessert—which he fed to me. The entire mealtime felt like foreplay. I had missed spending this kind of slow-paced private time with him.

We spent some time out on the deck, listening to the waves. And making out. So many of my memories with Eli involved the sound of the ocean and the smell of salt in the air.

A short while later, he insisted that we move inside for some privacy. And I absolutely agreed.

As soon as the sliding door was closed, he began to slowly undress me. I became acutely aware that we had not gotten naked together since I left for school in August.

There was a flutter in my abdomen. Anticipation, yes. But also nervousness.

When I tried to remove his shirt, he stopped me. Shaking his head, he said, "My turn first. Need to take my time."

And boy, did he ever.

Once he removed every piece of clothing I'd been wearing, he walked in a slow circle around me. I could feel his gaze on me—even when I couldn't see his eyes.

He stood behind me as he pushed my hair to one side over my shoulder. Then he placed kisses on my neck and shoulder while he traced down my spine with one fingertip.

His hands found my hips and pulled me toward him. As his arousal pressed into my backside, he moved one hand around to my breast.

Sensations buzzed through my body. I hadn't realized how much I had been craving him.

After running his fingers all over my skin—my back, abdomen, breasts, arms—his hand finally made its way to the spot that pulsed in anticipation of his touch.

My head tipped back and rested on his shoulder. I writhed against him while trying to stay upright as my knees began to buckle.

He wrapped an arm around my torso, one hand resting on my breast, and he held me against his chest.

When my orgasmic haze cleared, I turned in his arms and said, "My turn."

He shook his head. "Not done yet, Mia." Walking me toward the bed until the backs of my legs hit the mattress, he nudged me to sit on the bed.

After he lowered himself to his knees, he took my face in his hands and kissed me—slowly and thoroughly. When we were apart, it was easy to forget exactly how amazing it was to be kissed by him. In moments like this, I tried to hold onto the vividly clear details.

He broke the kiss and traced a finger down my sternum. As he stared into my eyes, he gently pushed on my abdomen to get me to lie down.

After settling between my legs, he placed whisper-soft kisses on my inner thighs. Then he went to work with his tongue.

Within minutes, I was having an internal argument. On the one hand, I didn't want him to stop. Ever. But I wasn't sure how much more I could take. My legs shook uncontrollably.

Finally, I pushed on his head, saying, "Need a break."

"Sure about that?"

"Yeah."

He took this opportunity to remove his shirt. And damn. Although my imagination could conjure accurate images of his muscles and tattoos in my fantasies and dreams, I preferred seeing him in the flesh.

All that glorious sexiness was almost more than I could handle. Almost. But I found a way to suffer through.

One corner of his mouth pulled into a crooked smile when he saw the way my eyes were feasting on him. Then, he stood to remove his pants, giving me a full view.

I turned and began to crawl up the bed away from him, but he grabbed onto my hips, stopping me in the middle of the mattress.

He leaned over my back, his face next to my ear, as he asked, "You still on the pill?" When I looked over my shoulder and nodded, he confirmed, "So we're good without a condom?"

As I replied, "Yes," I felt him pressing into me, seeking entrance. I squirmed away from his hold and rolled onto my back, saying, "I need to see you."

Something passed over his face. I wondered what he was thinking. But then he blinked, and the look was gone. A moment later, he was inside me, and I completely forgot that I had wanted to ask what he was thinking.

My eyelids closed as I got lost in the sensations that bombarded me. His movements were smooth and deliberate. Slow but not exactly gentle. He took me to the edge and then kept me there. It was deliciously maddening.

As I teetered on the brink of another orgasm, I opened my eyes. My mind was hazy, but my vision was clear. I saw something I recognized but couldn't quite place.

That look. That look in his eyes.

I'd seen it before. But when?

And just as the orgasm tore through my body, my brain put the pieces together.

I fell apart physically and emotionally at the exact same moment.

He continued his rhythmic movements as my brain screamed inside my skull:

Oh, fuck no! Not again. He wouldn't. Would he?

He must have sensed the conversation happening in my head because he stopped moving. And then his eyes searched mine as he asked, "What's wrong?"

All the feelings that had been building up in my body gathered in laser focus—and aimed at him. "What's wrong?!" I pushed on his chest. "What the hell … Get off me, Eli!" I continued pushing until he lifted his weight off me.

With the sheet gathered around my body, I crossed the room as I continued ranting. I don't even know what I said.

I heard him telling me to calm down, but that just made me yell louder.

Then, Bri was at the door, knocking and asking if everything was okay. After a couple minutes of this, she let herself into the room using the master key.

She looked back and forth between the two of us—me wrapped in a sheet, Eli standing there naked.

Cautiously, Bri asked, "What's going on?"

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them: "Your cousin was having one last go at me before he breaks up with me."

She shook her head. "Veronica, I'm sure you're wrong. He would never—"

"Yeah, he would. He did it before. Right here in this room, in fact." Turning to Eli, I said, "Did you think I wouldn't notice? Did you think I wouldn't remember? I know you … and I know your tells."

Bri looked like she wanted to say something, but she stayed quiet, watching Eli's face as I spoke.

Since neither of them seemed to have anything to say, I continued, "Go ahead … tell your cousin exactly how much of an asshole you are. Tell her the first thing you planned to say after we got dressed." When I paused, Eli looked down at his feet. "You are such a fucking coward. You can't even say it."

Still looking down, he said, "I wasn't planning to have this conversation today."

I could hear the shock and disappointment in Bri's voice as she said, "Eli …"

"He's not even trying to deny it," I said more to myself than either of them.

Finally lifting his head, he looked at her. "Brigida, please shut the door on your way out." He raised a hand as she started to protest. "This conversation should happen in private."

After Bri left, he and I just stared at each other for a moment. I leaned back against the wall to steady myself. Then, my legs started to give out, and I slid down to the floor.

Sobs racked through my body until he started talking, and then I was angry again.

I cut him off. "I've heard this speech before. Let me see if I can save you the trouble … I'm better off without you. You want me to have the best life possible, and you're about to mansplain to me how that is only possible if you're not in my life. Did I miss anything?"

"Veronica, let me explain—"

"No need. You just did." I straightened the bedsheet as I stood up. "When you pulled this shit our senior year, you told Mac it would have been easier to deal with if I had yelled at you for being an asshole." I walked to the door, opened it, and shoved him into the hallway. "Well, how's this?" I yelled, "You're an asshole!" Then, I slammed the door and locked it.

As I took a shower, I cried and made an exit plan. After getting dressed and making sure that all my things were packed up, I left the room and walked downstairs.

When I got to the lobby, Eli was standing there in clothes he had clearly borrowed from Ben. He tried to intercept me before I got to the door.

I pulled away from his grasp. Showing him that I had his car keys, I said, "Obviously, you'll need to find a ride home."

"Mia—"

"Stop! Seriously, just stop. You did this our senior year—bringing me here for goodbye sex. Then, you gave me some bullshit line about ending things while the pain was survivable."

"V, can we—?"

"Talk?! No, Eli. I can't keep having this same conversation with you. I can't spend all my energy convincing you that we are better together when you've clearly decided that the opposite is true."

As I started to turn toward the door, he grabbed my elbow. "Veronica." His voice was barely above a whisper.

He leaned his forehead into mine, and I closed my eyes.

I took a deep breath before speaking. "Eli, you've been pushing me away since you and Dad were at Sweet Briar … months ago." I leaned back to look at him, but he wouldn't meet my eyes. "Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong." He finally looked at me with sadness in his eyes. "Before you came to see me in D.C. last year, I told you if you did this again, we'd be done. I can't … I just …" Stepping away from him, I said one last thing before leaving. "There's nothing left to say … except goodbye."

I had expected him to follow me to the car. I braced for it.

When he didn't, it triggered something, and the shock of the past hour started to settle over me.

I was on autopilot as I unlocked the car door and put my bag on the seat.

Then, I sat behind the wheel for several minutes without starting the engine.

My mind was strangely blank, and my heart was numb.

But I knew the pain would hit. Eventually. Soon.

[

When I started driving toward Neptune, the radio was tuned to a station playing mostly soft rock from the 1970s. Many of the songs and artists were familiar to me because of my father's choice in radio stations. I was content to leave that radio station on until I heard these lyrics being sung by a young Olivia Newton-John:

We whiled away the hours

Making promises that might

Have just changed the world we knew

If they'd only turned out right

Promises. Eli and I had made promises to one another before I left for D.C.

I wanted to believe that he had meant them at the time.

Unable to listen to that song anymore, I changed the station and landed on one playing hits from the 1980s. I let my mind wander for a while, not really paying attention to the music until I heard Steve Perry's voice cry out these lines:

Troubled times

Caught between confusion and pain, pain, pain

Distant eyes

Promises we made were in vain, in vain, in vain

There was that damn word again: promises.

I couldn't change the station fast enough. Then, after a few more minutes, I just turned the radio off.

As I drove past familiar landmarks and road signs, my mind alternated between settling into coherent lines of thinking and then spinning onto related trains of thought.

Not only would I need to get a few things I'd left in his apartment, but I would need to return some things to him. At the top of the "to be returned list" would be his grandmother's ruby ring—which he had said was his promise to me. When he had said that he wanted to make this work. A promise to each other, to do whatever it took to make our relationship work.

And we did for the past year and a half.

But at some point, something had changed. And instead of talking things through with me, he pushed me away. Again.

[

When I arrived home, the house was empty. I was thankful for that.

The rest of the family was out for the evening. Dinner and miniature golf, if memory served.

Once inside the house, I dug through the freezer for ice cream, grabbed a spoon, and headed up the stairs to my room.

An hour later, I looked down at the carton in my hand, surprised to find it empty. I didn't remember eating all of it, but apparently, I had.

When I curled up under the covers, Backup climbed up next to me on the bed. Although he seemed to know that I needed comfort, I wondered for a moment how this would affect him—since he and Eli had gotten close these past years.

I drifted in and out of sleep for a couple hours before I heard everyone get home from their family night out.

Darrell's voice called out to me, and I heard his footsteps on the stairs. He poked his head through my doorway. I could tell by his facial expression that he was worried by what he saw.

A couple minutes later, Wallace came in and knelt next to me. "Veronica, what happened?"

Shaking my head, I said simply, "Don't wanna talk about it."

"What can I do? What do you need?"

"I don't even know how to answer right now."

Then, Dad was in my doorway. As he entered, Wallace left.

My father looked at me with concern in his eyes. "Honey, what's going on? We didn't expect you home until tomorrow."

Before I could formulate a response, I burst into tears.

Apparently, my tear ducts had not run dry.

Dad pulled me into his arms. In between sobs and hiccups, I managed to give him the basics.

He didn't say much. I didn't need him to.

I didn't need advice or consolation. I just needed his presence.

He held me until I fell asleep.

[

[

The next morning, I woke up when Darrell came into my room to get Backup for his walk. After that, I don't think I went back to sleep.

It was at least an hour later when Dad came in to talk to me.

He asked if there was anything he could do. I knew he needed to feel helpful, so I asked him to handle the practical and logistical stuff—like returning Eli's car, as well as giving back the keys to his apartment and his grandmother's ring.

Then, I added, "While you're there, if you wouldn't mind picking up a few things I left at his place."

"Just give me a list, honey. I'll take care of it."

I had never loved my father more than I did in that moment.

[

I finally made my way downstairs around noon, shortly after I heard Dad pull out of the driveway.

Alicia handed me coffee and offered to make anything I wanted for breakfast.

She admitted, "It's been a while since I had to deal with a broken heart, and I don't have much practice parenting a daughter, but I'm here for you. I hope you know that."

"I do. Thanks. That means a lot." That was all I could manage to say.

After I finished eating, I went upstairs. When I got out of the shower, I checked my phone—out of habit. As soon as I looked at the screen, I wished I hadn't picked it up.

There was a missed call from Eli. And a voicemail.

I sat down on the edge of my bed and pressed play.

"Your dad was just here. I know you're upset," Eli's voice pleaded, "But I'd like to talk to you before you go back to school. Please call me."

[

[

After getting that message from Eli, I had spent the rest of the day in bed. I had drifted in and out of sleep. Everyone in the family took their turns checking on me. Darrell and Backup seemed particularly concerned. Although my assurances that I was "fine" seemed to work on Wallace, Alicia, and Dad, I guess I couldn't fool the youngest member of the family or the furry one.

Sunday had rolled into Monday. But I wouldn't have known what day it was if Mac hadn't dropped by the house.

She came over to announce that she would be having a New Year's Eve party.

I was confused. "I know we talked about getting together—all of us. But when did you decide it was gonna be a party?" I asked her.

"When Casey invited me to his party, and I needed a reason for why I couldn't be there."

"You couldn't just say you had plans?"

"He'd ask who I had plans with … and then he'd tell me to bring all of you along."

"I'm guessing that means that Casey still wants to get back together. And you've decided you don't?"

"Don't know. Not sure. Data is inconclusive."

"So we … keep calm and party like it's 1999?"

Mac gave me a quizzical look. "Not sure it's possible to do both of those at the same time."

"You may have a point there."

"I assume you don't want me to include Eli on the invite list."

"Affirmative."

"Are you ready to talk about what happened?"

"Mac, I told you what—"

"No, actually, you didn't. Clearly, he did something that deeply hurt you. But I don't know what that was."

"Are you gonna run back and tell him what I say?"

"Of course not. I wouldn't do that to you."

I did not respond immediately. When I finally did, I reminded her of the times that he had pushed me away. Then, I said, "During my FBI internship, I told him that if he did it again, he wouldn't get another chance after that."

It was clear that she was trying to piece things together. "So … he pushed you away again?"

"Yep. Complete with goodbye sex at the B&B … except he failed to inform me that was the purpose of the trip. Just like he did before."

"He did it before? When?"

"Our senior year."

"Seriously?! Not once, but twice … oh, Veronica, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say." Mac reached for my hand.

Then, I explained how distant and avoidy he had been since visiting Sweet Briar. I just hadn't realized it until that day at the B&B.

"Now that you mention it, he was acting strange when he got back from that trip."

There was a knock on my bedroom, and then Wallace poked his head in. "Got room for one more?"

As he sat down, Mac continued talking. "I remember threatening him … that day you kissed in the hallway. When we all found out that you were together. That if he—"

Wallace cut her off. "Well, she told me about a week before that."

"Right," Mac said.

"And I threatened him, too. As I recall, I told him that if he made you cry one tear, I would dedicate my life to ruining his." Wallace's tone was as menacing as it had been that day in high school.

Mac looked back and forth between Wallace and me, and then she asked, "Are we gonna need to make good on those threats?"

I honestly didn't trust myself to answer that question.

[

[

When I awoke on Tuesday, I decided that I would not spend the whole day in bed again. My lofty goals for the day were: take a shower and eat a decent meal.

For two days, I had primarily existed on Christmas cookies and ice cream. My father must have gone to the store at least a couple of times because the freezer seemed to have a self-replenishing stock of my favorite ice cream flavors—chocolate chip mint and butter pecan.

I decided that my first stop would be the kitchen—for coffee. While I was filling my mug with the nectar of the gods, Dad walked in. He tried not to look too shocked or happy that I was somewhere other than my bed.

"Can I get you something to eat? Not sure you should drink coffee on an empty stomach. Especially after what you've put in it the past three days." He joked, trying to keep the conversation light.

"I wouldn't say no to some eggs and toast."

"What would you prefer? Scrambled? Sunny side up? In a nest?"

"Surprise me," I replied. Honestly, I really didn't care.

After eating, I went upstairs to take a shower. As the water sluiced over my skin, it seemed to wash away the fog I'd been in since I left the B&B on Saturday.

Even before getting out of the shower, I was actually able to hear myself think for the first time in days. I got dressed and then took Backup for a walk.

Maybe it was the fresh air—I don't know. But as I walked, some thoughts began to form. And then those thoughts started to connect. Like puzzle pieces. Until I could clearly see what I needed to do.

As soon as I got back to the house, I opened my laptop and logged in to my school email account. It only took me a few seconds to find what I was looking for: an email one of my professors sent me about a month ago.

Dr. Larson had asked if I would be interested in helping her with a journal article she was working on. The first thing she needed help with was organizing her research findings. And she planned to do that during the holiday break.

I had turned down her offer—flattering as it was—because I had not wanted to cut my vacation short. But after what happened with Eli, it seemed like a welcome escape hatch. It would be the perfect excuse to go back to school early. As long as Dr. Larson hadn't found someone else to help her.

I decided to email her and find out. As I hit send, I prayed that the odds would be in my favor.

Because I sure as hell did not want to stay in Neptune any longer than I had to. I didn't know how long I could keep avoiding Eli.

[

[

The next morning, I got a reply from my professor. She had found someone else to help, but once she got started, she realized that she should have gotten more than one student to help. So, she was thrilled to hear from me.

Mac's New Year's Eve party was scheduled for later that night, and I had promised to arrive early to help her set things up. Since Wallace and I would be out for the evening, Dad and Alicia decided the five of us should have a big family meal around lunchtime.

As everyone passed serving dishes around the table, I told them about my recent email exchange with Dr. Larson. At first, everyone seemed glad that I was excited about something—after how gloomy I'd been all week.

But then Dad asked, "That sounds great. Why do I feel like I'm missing something?"

"Because I left out one detail." I paused before continuing. "I would need to leave Saturday."

My father nearly choked, trying to get out the words, "In three days?! A week early?!"

Finally, I said, "Yes."

Everyone else at the table just stared at me.

I pushed my food around on the plate with my fork. "I just … I need something to keep my mind busy. And I need to … be anywhere else."

Dad got up and walked around the table to hug me. "I get it, honey. I wish I had more time with you, but I get it."

After that, the conversation moved on to other topics. I was thankful for that.

When Alicia and I were doing the dishes, she told me to gather up my laundry so she could take care of it. "If you've only got a few more days here, I don't want you to have to spend any of that time doing laundry."

"Thanks. I appreciate that." At moments like this, I almost slipped up and called her Mom.

Before my parents split up and my mother still lived at home, I thought we had a happy family. Over the years, I have become more and more aware that there was something not-so-happy lurking under the façade.

Being here in this house—even for short periods of time—I finally understood what it felt like to be part of a happy family.

[

Mac was giddy when I first got to the Sinclair house. It amused me when her usually calm demeanor was overtaken by excitement.

She had continued to get close to her birth parents and her sister—and they loved to throw parties. Although she had sprung this on them at the last minute, they didn't seem to care. Plus, Mac had only invited about a dozen people.

I wasn't sure why she needed me to help set up. With such a small number of people. And the fact that she intended it to be casual—mostly hanging out and talking … while watching "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" on TV. There wasn't much to set up.

But getting there early meant that I had to change clothes at her house before the other guests arrived. That may have been why she requested my presence earlier than everyone else.

I had to admit that it was kind of fun to stand side by side in the bathroom while we did our hair and makeup. In a few days, I'd be back at Sweet Briar, and I wouldn't get to spend one-on-one time with her.

Just before we went downstairs to wait for her guests to start showing up, I said, "Hey, can we talk for a minute?"

"Sure." She looked worried as she sat down on the edge of her bed.

As I sat down next to her, I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts. Then, I explained the same thing to her that I had explained to my family earlier in the day.

Like my family, she looked stunned. And more than a little sad.

"But if you made up your mind not to help your professor, why change your mind at the last min—?" She cut herself off. "Sorry. Stupid question."

We stared at each other for a moment before I finally said, "I just can't … be here … right now."

"Please tell me you have at least one friend at school who will sit with you and eat junk food while you cry or scream or whatever you need to do to process your feelings."

"I'd like to think so. But honestly, I might need to call you on a semi-regular basis. Not sure anyone there measures up to you and Wallace. You two set the bar high."

"I'm here for you. Whatever you need."

Whatever you need. Eli had often said those exact words to me.

For years, he had been my safe place.

Now, I felt the need to get as far away from him as possible.

Mac gave me a strange look as she asked, "Are you okay, Veronica?"

"Yeah, sorry. Just thinking about everything I need to do in the next couple days."

"At least you'll get a chance to say goodbye to everyone tonight."

"That's true. I guess I should thank you for having this party."

"Yep. Did it just for you," she joked as we started to head downstairs.

Although I didn't mind spending time with a few of my friends, I was in no mood for a party. But for tonight, I would do my best to smile and enjoy the time I had with these people.

New Year's … I'd always taken issue with including the word "new" in the holiday's name. Without a doubt, 2009 would be different and new. However, I could not bring myself to add the word "happy."

[

[

The next day, I slept in … until Darrell bounced on my bed and told me I needed to get up. He was concerned I would sleep through the football games. After all, what would New Year's Day be without Bowl games? His words, not mine.

I was tired all day. Not hungover—I didn't drink that much at Mac's party. But it was exhausting to be social. Not to mention pretending that my heart wasn't shattered into a million tiny pieces.

I tried to help Alicia in the kitchen, but she insisted that I sit on the couch and enjoy the time with my dad. Between folding loads of my laundry, she brought out tray after tray of snacks for those of us watching the TV.

It was fun to see my dad interact with Wallace and Darrell. I shouldn't have been, but I was amazed at how well this family fit together. Like we were always supposed to be a unit.

"What? You're smiling," my dad said.

"I was just thinking how glad I am that these two are discovering what a great dad you are."

Wallace looked back and forth between my father and me. "You don't mind sharing him?" His tone was teasing.

Shaking my head, I gave a non-teasing reply. "Not at all. There's plenty of Papa Mars love to go around."

[

[

When I woke up the next day, I was immediately aware that it was my last day in Neptune.

I spent the day packing. And cleaning up the room, in case Wallace needed to use it while I was gone.

Mac called to tell me that she had dropped by Eli's shop for an oil change—one of the perks of being his business partner—and she let it slip that I was leaving for school a week earlier than expected.

He had been texting and calling at least once a day. It had been six days. And I had not answered any of his calls or replied to any of his messages.

Mac rambled apologetically, "He seemed upset that you hadn't talked to him since, uh, that day. Understandable … that you haven't. But it seems like he has some things he wants to say. Until an hour ago, he thought he had another week to do that … Well, I just wanted to warn you that I screwed up, and he knows … and there's a good chance he's gonna show up on your doorstep. I tried to discourage him from doing that. But you know Eli …"

Later that day, Eli did show up. Darrell answered the door and started to tell him off for hurting me. Then, Dad stepped in and asked Darrell to go into the kitchen. He spoke to Eli for a few minutes—but wouldn't let him in.

Backup pressed against my leg as I listened at the top of the stairs

"I'm just curious, Eli … Are you here to try to fix things … to get back together? Or just to explain your side of things?" Dad asked these questions calmly.

If Eli answered him, I couldn't hear his response.

"You know I care about you. But she's my daughter. And she gave me instructions to tell you that she won't see you and won't take your calls. Other than that, I'm supposed to stay out of it. And I'm gonna honor her wishes."

"I know she's going back early, and … I don't want to leave things like this."

Hearing the regret in his voice, I couldn't listen to any more of their conversation.

As I turned back to my room, I heard my father say, "I get why you would feel that way, but this isn't about what you want. She's not ready to talk to you. And honestly, I'm not sure how long it's gonna take."

A few minutes later, Dad came into my room, holding an envelope.

I took it from him, but I didn't open it.

Hours after that, Wallace came to check in on me. At first, he just sat with me, not saying anything. Then, he gestured toward the envelope on my nightstand, asking, "Have you read it?"

Shaking my head, I choked on my words. "I can't."

He wrapped his arms around me, comforting me as I cried. Again.

After a while, I dried the tears from my face and walked over to pick up the letter. I handed it to Wallace and asked him to read it—giving him specific instructions. I explained what I expected it to say. And then said, "Tell me if it says anything other than that, and I'll let you know if I want you to read it to me."

As it turned out, it had said exactly what I expected.

I put Eli's letter into a new envelope and sealed it. Perhaps someday I would want to read it.

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[

Saturday—the day of my flight—came faster than I expected. I got up early and took Backup for one last walk. It gave me time to think, as well as alone time with my favorite cuddle buddy.

As difficult as it was to say goodbye to my family, I knew I was doing the right thing. The moment I decided to go back to school early, my mood had lifted.

Earlier in the week, I would hear the sound of the TV or stereo from other rooms. Or I would walk through the living room on my way to get ice cream. And I would hear snippets of recognizable movies or songs. At any other time, familiar dialogue or lyrics might have brought comfort. But at that point in time, everything I heard seemed to slice the wound wide open before it had a chance to heal.

I was sad to leave, but the distance would help the healing process.

It seemed like everything here in Neptune reminded me of Eli.

I wondered if it would always be that way.

[

[


[

[

Being on a plane for hours gave me lots of time to think. I had slept a little, but mostly I sat there with my eyes closed—pretending to be asleep so that nobody would try to talk to me.

There was still a lot to process. I had gotten past the acute phase of pain and the numbness that followed. That left me with a dull ache around the edges of the hole in my chest.

Not sure what the next phase would be. I knew that I needed time to heal. But I couldn't just snap my fingers and move on.

I was not quite ready to let go of Eli, of who he and I were together, of who I was with him and because of him.

In some ways, getting back to school early had been a good decision. But after the first few days of assisting my professor with her project, I found that I got lonely at night. If I were at home with my family, I'd have someone to watch TV with … or talk—if I decided I wanted to.

Instead, I found myself flipping through channels late at night, watching infomercials and old movies.

One night, I stumbled upon one of the Gidget movies. I'd seen the original starring Sandra Dee, and I was aware that there were several others, starring different actresses in the title role. But I hadn't seen Gidget Grows Up before.

In this one, she had given up her surfboard to go to college in Europe for two years. Then she dropped out and moved to New York City, working as a tour guide at the United Nations. No longer dating her long-time boyfriend, she began to spend time with an older Australian man named Alex.

As their relationship was ending, he said this to her: "Certain people—when they meet—sense that there is something to share. And if they're wise, they'll share it, and they're the richer for it. But once the feeling begins to fade, that is the time to let go. Oh, I know that letting go can be painful. But hanging onto emptiness can be worse. So, you let go there; you reach out here."

I wasn't sure if I agreed with him, but I felt a connection to what he said. I felt empty inside, and I didn't want to feel that way forever.

It was exhausting to sift through my feelings and memories. Even though it would be simpler in the short run to avoid doing that and go on like everything was fine, I knew that wasn't healthy.

So, I pulled out a notebook and started to write down how I felt about what Alex had said to Gidget.

I wanted to believe that there was a reason for the time I'd been with Eli. But then the ache in my chest would throb again … and I'd find myself wishing that we had just remained friends, that we hadn't started dating. I still could have tutored him and helped him leave the PCH Bike Club. He would still have ended up starting his own business—and I wouldn't have ended up with a broken heart.

One night that week, I got a text from Sean. She asked how my vacation was going and added that I must be enjoying the uninterrupted time with Eli. I couldn't bring myself to reply. I couldn't find the words.

It would have been great to get on the phone with her and catch up. But there was no way I could put on a happy voice and pretend that everything was five by five. I also wasn't ready to rehash the whole thing with someone else.

[

[

While I was at home, I had gotten out of the habit of running each day. I should have taken advantage of the weather. Now that I was back in Virginia, I opted for the treadmills in the fitness center.

I couldn't handle listening to music quite yet—too many emotional landmines. So, I would put in my earbuds and listen to a recording of ocean waves, imagining that I was at the beach with Backup.

That time on the treadmill was my little bubble.

I let my mind wander where it wanted to. And then I'd camp there for a while and process.

I took a long and winding trip down memory lane. We had been together about three and a half years—on and off. A significant chunk of my life.

It seemed that everyone remembered their first love. But what I'd had with Eli was … epic.

Had I been ridiculously stupid to think it could last forever?

I continued to process my feelings and memories—not just of my relationship with Eli, but also of other guys I had dated.

Duncan had been my first real relationship. Not love, though I thought so at the time. If all the complicating factors hadn't existed, maybe things would have gone differently with him. But honestly, I don't think I would have changed a thing. I was glad that he and Meg were so happy together.

Even if Troy had turned out to be a decent guy, I doubt things with him would have lasted very long.

I'd enjoyed the couple of dates I had with Leo. He was a nice guy, but I had just been passing time with him. I sometimes wondered, though … In another time or place, would things have been different?

Then there was Piz. Another nice guy. I don't think I really gave him a chance. How could I? I was still too much in love with Eli to let anyone else into my heart.

I had no idea how long it would take before I was ready to do that.

I decided that it was probably better for me to put my effort into finding out what I wanted in life—and love.

Life truly is a learning process.

The time I spent away from Neptune—FBI internship, a year in Spain, then Sweet Briar—had been an important part of getting to know myself. Where I was and the people around me had a lot to do with how I saw myself and who I would become.

The opinions and expectations of others could sometimes be limiting. A change of scenery can help.

I wanted to approach the future with my eyes, mind, and heart open to possibilities, open to opportunities I might have previously ignored or rejected.

As President Bartlet always said on The West Wing: "What's next?"

This—my time at Sweet Briar, while not in a relationship—was an opportunity to reinvent myself. I could leave the old me completely behind. Not only did I not have to pursue a career in law enforcement, but I could literally do or be anything I wanted to.

So many options. All I had to do was decide.


A/N:

Although I've warned you throughout this series, I'm sure that didn't make it any easier to read this chapter.

They've still got some learning and growing to do before they finally get their happily ever after. But you won't have to wait until Part 5 to see Eli again.

They will occasionally talk and see each other during the next seven and a half years (the remainder of Part 4; probably five more chapters). And he will be in her thoughts as she continues to process and tries to move on.

Key moments related to this chapter:

* Stall (Along the Road – part 1) – Chapter 12 = Spring 2005, Wallace threatened Eli

* Stall (Along the Road – part 1) – Chapter 15 = Spring 2005, Mac threatened Eli

* Process (Along the Road – part 2) – Chapter 18 = Spring 2006, their senior year of high school, Eli pushed V away after her visit to Hearst. They break up after goodbye sex at the B&B. A couple days later, he said that they "should just end this now … while the pain is survivable."

* Commence (Along the Road – part 3) – Chapter 7 = Fall 2006, first time they have sex after getting back together, felt like saying hello

* Commence (Along the Road – part 3) – Chapter 16 = Valentine's Day 2007, Eli says he thinks they should take a break

* Commence (Along the Road – part 3) – Chapter 17 = Spring 2007, Eli told V he wants her to have an incredible life, and he thinks she has a better chance of doing that with someone else

* Learning (Along the Road – part 4) – Chapter 3 = Summer 2007, phone call during FBI internship, V tells him how much it hurt when he pushed her away and broke up with her (twice), and that "if you do it again … we're done."

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Things I quoted or referred to in this chapter:

* "Sometimes a Song" – Dan Fogelberg (2008)

* "A Thousand Conversations" – Olivia Newton-John, Don't Stop Believin' (1976)

* "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" – Journey, Frontiers (1983)

* Gidget Grows Up (1969)

* The line "What's next?" is first heard in The West Wing #1.1 Pilot (1999) and then in many other episodes.

[

Reminder: I plan to post another chapter and a one-shot by the end of the year.

For now, I'll just be over here ... preparing myself for your comments.

Until next time …

~Jen

6 December 2022