Chapter Forty-three – 'Interstate paradise'

"So how does this thing work?" Milhouse danced around the miniature silver dog. The token had not moved when he sat upon it or stood on top of it before Luann yelled at him to get down. "What happens next?" He impatiently asked.

Luann glanced down at the MyPad's blank screen. To her dismay it meant more waiting for her turn. She double-checked and gave it a great shake to get a reaction electronically. "When this lights up, I press the button to display the dice, then I ride the dog to the next property."

It sounded simple when she explained it, but the game was more complicated than this. Or it would become more difficult according to the holograms.

"Where do think we will end up next?" Milhouse asked his mom as she shrugged it off while staring out towards the water. They waited a few more minutes before the glow of the MyPad was intensely bright. "Mom!" He danced around the silver dog. "The MyPad lit up... it's time for Team Van Houten to play!" He climbed the dog this time and stood on top of its head.

"Get down from there." Luann scolded him again. "Get down before you fall down." She warned him to no effect.

He balanced himself as Luann pushed the roll icon as loud boom echoed across the sky. She looked around trying to see where the noise originated from but couldn't find it. The only indication was from over the water represented by large ripples hitting the shore.

She turned at the last second to see Milhouse slip off the dog and make a splash beside the dock. Now she had a problem. She frantically searched for a way to rescue him. He bobbed up and down before calling out. "Mom. The water is nice. You should join me."

"We don't have time for this. I have a game to play. It's our turn now." She responded. The mayor's yacht had a life ring on it, she grabbed for Milhouse. "Time to get out of the pool." She told Milhouse tossing him the flotation device.

"I don't want to get out... does this mean I can ride the dog now?" His disappointment turned to excitement as he scrambled out of the water and mounted his miniature token. "Giddy-up!" He dug his heels into the side of the dog like he was trying to kick-start a horse. Of course, it didn't respond.

"That's not how this works, honey." Luann picked up the MyPad and saw eleven displayed on the dice. "Now we can go... eleven spaces from here, whatever that means..."

She jumped on the larger silver dog and it faced the smaller one. They confirmed it was time to go with a series of barks and yips.

They sprinted down the docks and raced past the other boats tied to the pier. The dogs knew where to run since there was little light for Luann and Milhouse to see.

They made it all the way to the entrance of the property where the gate next to the guardhouse was wide open. "It seems the guard actually did leave his post." She rode through the gate and nothing happened. "Stop!" She commanded the dog. "We must shut the gate to secure my..." But her words were interrupted by the mechanical starting of a motor which slowly closed the gate behind them. "Well... that answers my question."

The dogs sprinted single file with Luann in front of Milhouse as they turned onto a plain dirt road flanked by thin trees. The scenery was fairly simple at first, but became more colorful the closer they got. A small building came into focus with something attached to it stretching across the landscape. It looked like a giant checkpoint they had to cross.

Luann stood up to see further into the distance. Everything came into focus as the distance shortened. "I see it!" She screamed as the checkpoint had a black and white checkered banner hanging from it. "This is it. The finish line...!"

She prodded the dog to gallop faster toward the finish line. Her goal was in sight. She was racing down the home stretch when the dog drifted and a waist-high fence came out of nowhere. Was she inside the race, or outside of it?

She kicked the dog again as a horse caught up to her on the opposite side of the fence. The horse should beat her to the finish line easily because of its longer strides. Her dog could not keep up as it had reached its top speed.

"I'm not finishing second." Luann was determined to win... until she learned this wasn't the end.

A green hologram materialized riding the horse ahead of Luann which slowly faded to meet her. "Greetings. Welcome to Go, where The End is also The Beginning. The finish line you see ahead is also the starting line you were teleported into the game at. Let me make this clear: You have not won. All seven players remain."

Her disappointment was visible based on the position of her thick blue eyebrows. "So... what good does this do anyways...?"

Milhouse caught up as he, Luann, and the green hologram sprinted towards the finish line. "Mom, did we win?"

"No..." Luann quietly said.

The green hologram continued. "By passing Go, you will collect two hundred dollars which is automatically direct deposited into your account."

"The statue! I see it! I must stop and..." Luann was confused as to why her dog and the hologram would not allow her to stop.

"Let me explain again." The green hologram thought for a second. "There is no action required on your part when passing Go, it is more of a formality. In fact, the statue waiting at the line is our Master Statue. It glows with its green aura. Some would say this one contains special magic... and with that I wish you luck..."

"I'll be sure to remember that..." Luann whispered to herself.

When the trio reached the statue waiting at the finish line, the green hologram disappeared and its horse ran free inside the fence. The MyPad played a melody as the dogs kept their stride toward the horizon.

"I guess we are done here." Luann concluded as the racetrack and magical statue faded into the distance. The path turned into the same narrow trail with trees flanking each side.

The journey slowed through the landscape as the excitement was gone from the impromptu horse race. To a child, the miles stretched forever, wondering how much further the destination is. To an adult, it's only five or ten minutes up the road, which instantly became paved with a few side streets.

"Are we there yet?" Milhouse complained as a kid would. "I'm hungry. Can we stop somewhere to get some food." The list went on. "I need the bathroom. Is there a rest stop nearby?" All the common questions a child would ask on a really long car trip. "Mom!"

"I heard you Milhouse. Unfortunately, we can't jump off these dogs until we get there... wherever there is. Last time..." An image flashed in Luann's mind of her first turn. "When I jumped off this dog to explore the woods... a hologram appeared to reprimand me. It scared the daylights out of me. So, no jumping off before we get there."

The dogs made a high-speed turn onto the interstate much to the delight of Milhouse and to a smaller extent Luann. An adult would count mile markers to estimate how far they had traveled and how far was left, but this was a special world designed by Burns where normal ideas did not exist.

They did not know how far their destination was until Milhouse saw... "Food! Mom! Look! So much food!" At this rate of speed, falling off the dog would leave more than a bruise. "I want food!"

"I can't change where the dog goes, so I'm sorry if..." Luann started to apologize but the dog changed lanes to exit the highway. "I could be wrong."

Milhouse cheered as loud as he could as the interstate signs for fast food came into better focus. All his favorites were located at this exit. The blue exit sign also confirmed this. There were so many restaurants to choose from but Milhouse just wanted anything and everything at this point. This street could feed an army, if all the restaurants were open.

The silver dogs stopped at the beginning of the fast food strip. "You have arrived at Vermont Avenue." The MyPad announced and showed the eleven spaces they had traveled including passing Go during their ride. "Your two hundred dollars is available for use."

"Alright! I'm going to eat all the food. Here I come." Milhouse quickly ditched the silver token and sprinted to the first restaurant he saw. "I want to start here!"

There was no way Luann was going to outrun her son, however, the programming of the game would ensure he stayed on the current property. The idea of barriers and holograms haunted her while she walked at her leisurely pace. "Stay where I can see you... or not." Milhouse disappeared into the labyrinth of food choices.

Where did he go? Luann did not know. She saw the Dead Lobster and placed her hands against the glass to see better through it. There were no lights on inside because the employees had gone home for the night.

Same was true with General Chang's Taco Italino and Chili Blasters. One by one she eliminated possibilities where Milhouse could have run off to. She turned a corner to the sight of a twenty-six-foot tall chubby man holding a ten-foot wide donut.

"For sale?" Luann stated to herself. "Who would want to buy a giant donut? I bet it's not even real..." She shrugged it off and peered through the window to see if Milhouse got here first. "No sign of him. Let's search for the meaning of the 'For Sale' sign, which I assume applies to this property and not a giant metal advertisement. She entered the donut shop to inquire about the over-sized treat.

"Welcome to Lard Lad Donuts. What can I get for you this overnight shift?" A young voice called out and greeted her. "Our daily special is a key lime donut... which I believe we have one left. If I don't sell it to you, I can claim it for myself."

She should grab the donut for Milhouse, but who knows how much food he has eaten by now. "I'll pass on the donut. I just need to know how to buy this property. The giant donut..."

"I just sell donuts." The young voice informed her. "Let me ask the manager. He may know." This was only an excuse for him to stash his newly-claimed donut out of sight. He disappeared for less time than it would actually take to ask a supervisor a question. When he reappeared, Luann was already turning to leave. "The manager said..."

"Did the manager say anything or did you just want to hide the donut?" She was quick to jump on him for his actions.

"You got me." He admitted. "I'm the only one here right now. If you have any questions, I can refer you to the Mayor of our fast food region. Find the Krusty Burger. It's open twenty-four hours like we are. The Mayor should be there taking the nightly food inventory."

"Thanks." Luann frustrating rolled her eyes and left to find the only fast food place she had ever eaten at.

In the silence and the darkness, it didn't take look to find her runaway son. Behind the Lard Lad Donuts, came two voices. One she recognized, the other was slightly distorted.

"...I'm sorry sir, we are out of broccoli and beef as well. Come to think of it, we are out of all chicken and beef based combos at the moment as we are currently waiting on the daily shipment." The drive-through box of Kentucky Fried Panda told Milhouse.

"Can I get an order of pork fried rice and four egg rolls?" Milhouse countered.

The box was silent for a second before listing more items they were out of. "I'm sorry again sir, we are out of anything rice based and I just sold the last egg roll an hour ago. In fact..." The box clicked off while Luann approached. "Actually, we don't have any food at this hour. I'm not sure why we are even open..." With that, the interior lights all shut off signifying the restaurant was closed.

Luann could see the sadness in his eyes. "There is one place still open and it's your favorite. Follow me!"

It was their only solution for a midnight snack. We led him by the hand as they passed a few more dark buildings, but Milhouse's eyes lit up in amazement when the tall Krusty Burger sign was in sight. "Krusty Burger!"

"The kid at Lard lad said it was the only one open this late." Luann let him run toward the door. He was a hungry boy and nothing would stand in his way. He flung open the door to the familiar smell of heavily-salted french fries and the inconsistent hum of a broken ice cream machine.

"I'm home!" Milhouse shouted. "Are you still open?" He asked the obvious question.

"We are." A teenage girl with a southern accent answered. "Our entire menu is available including all day breakfast."

Milhouse was hungry enough to eat one of everything, and so he did. He named off almost every item listed on the lighted board above him. "I'll have a Deep Fried Krusty Burger, a Double Double Double Double, and a... Clogger." He thought about his choices and scanned the menu board. "Can I also have a large bucket of fries and a Super Large Soda?"

"Will that be all?" The cashier verified the order. "Ma'am, can I deep fry anything for you tonight?"

"No thanks. Is there anything on the menu that isn't deep-fried?" The cashier shook her head. "Then I'd like to speak to the manager... I mean Mayor..."

No employee ever wanted to hear those words. "Wait here. I'll be right back." She left the register unguarded and dropped a bag of fries into the deep fryer on her way through. Faint voices could be heard conversing before a loud voice interrupted everyone.

"Hey hey!" The most annoying laugh followed much to the delight of Milhouse. "I heard you asked to speak to the Mayor, which is me, Krusty the Klown. What can I do for you?"

"Hey Krusty, I'm Milhouse and I'm one of your biggest fans. Remember me? I watch your show every afternoon. The Itchy and Scratchy cartoons are the best..."

"Look kid, I don't recognize you and I've never heard of this Scratchy and Itch thing you speak of. I just make greasy and deep-fried burgers for the public..." Krusty's answer disappointed Milhouse. "...and I've been waiting for someone to buy this place, so I can give the keys away on the way out. Honestly, I'm tired of counting frozen burger patties."

The gears in Luann's head were already turning. This was the moment she was waiting for: the opportunity to buy this property. "If you are willing to sell, I am a willing and able purchaser."

Krusty wanted to leave as soon as possible and this was a chance he wasn't willing to pass up. "How do I know...?"

"There is a stone statue around here somewhere I need to find." Luann played her trump card all the Mayors knew what it meant. "So where is it?"

"Follow me." Krusty gestured to Milhouse and Luann. It was part of the daily inventory delivery and I got lazy as usual. They told me to hide it, but I just hid it where customers couldn't see it."

And he was right. The statue was standing just out of sight from the register, next to a stack of hamburger buns. It was definitely out-of-place inside a fast food restaurant.

It was time to conduct business, but as Luann stretched toward the statue, Krusty stopped her. "Before you start, I'm going to take a smoke break outside..." He was quick to leave the room.

She rolled her eyes and began the ritual by placing the MyPad into the hands of the statue. A green hologram appeared beside the statue. "Greetings and welcome to Vermont Avenue. This property is currently unowned, but before we get to your decision, I have some housekeeping issues to discuss..."

"Um... I guess..." Luann hesitantly agreed.

"Doesn't really matter what your answer was. Remember, we control the game." The green hologram asserted.

"Actually, another green hologram told us there is a Master Hologram in charge of all the minion holograms like yourself." Luann confidently replied.

The minion hologram in front of her did not like the rank structure. "It's up to me whether on not I allow you to purchase this castle of calories. The thought of fried food makes me..."

"Can you actually eat the food?" Milhouse giggled.

"Let's get back to business. This property is for sale at the cheap price of one hundred dollars with a special ten percent discount this turn only making the purchase price only ninety dollars. Any future visitors to this property can buy a combo meal at any restaurant for the low price of six dollars. Choose wisely."

"Mom! Six dollars is cheap for a value meal at Kentucky Fried Panda." Milhouse interjected.

Luann didn't care about the actual food, just the fact she could purchase another property. She pressed the Buy icon on the MyPad as Milhouse celebrated the idea of cheap combo meals for life. Three pieces of paper printed out below the statue's hands. Milhouse grabbed the papers before Luann did.

"Give me those." She snatched them out of his hand. "I mean... I need those. They are important." She knew what they were and read them out loud to Milhouse. "This one is the Title-deed for the property. My proof of purchase." Milhouse nodded. "The second says: Seven hundred ten dollars plus eighteen dollars from Comic Book Guy for a Box Factory tour, plus two hundred dollars for passing Go, minus ninety dollars for purchasing the fast food wasteland equals eight hundred thirty-eight dollars remaining."

"That was long and confusing." Milhouse added.

"Anyways, the third says... it says... we are all masters of our destiny." This confused both of them. It had nothing to do with anything game-related. "That's... weird..."

"Just remember it..." The green hologram said before disappearing.

The Van Houtens looked at each other with neither knowing what to say. The restaurant intercom guided them back to reality. "Order number seventy-two, your food is ready."

"Yeah!" Milhouse sprinted back to the register.

"I forgot to ask if this order was for here or to go." The cashier inquired. "I assumed for here..." Loud booms echoed across the sky as usual when someone's turn was over. "I was ordered to give you this as well. It's the master key to all the restaurants."

Luann cautiously accepted it. "Where's Krusty?"

"He left, assuming you would become the new owner. He couldn't get out of here any faster." The cashier explained.

That was to be expected. "Anyways, I guess we will eat our food here as we have time to kill before it's our turn again." Milhouse grabbed the trays full of deep-fried goodness and found an empty booth next to the front window. "Can I also get a diet soda... you know what, make it a large." Luann asked and received.