Chapter Forty-eight – 'From riches to rags'

"...and then I said to him, only an obtuse person would violate the ninety degree rule." The strange voice garnered a laugh from the remaining golfers hanging out on the covered patio beside the clubhouse. "The less I have to repair, the better."

Smithers took the last sip of his martini and set the empty glass back on the table. This was the life he could grow accustomed to. Late night drinks and hors d'oeuvres, relaxing next to the perfectly manicured eighteenth green. No one was still on the darkened course as play was suspended at sunset. The only light visible was the torches surrounding the patio.

It was a dream for Smithers to rub elbows with the city's elite, and he had hoped his number two position at the nuclear power plant earned him enough clout to be part of the in crowd. But he was never invited to the country club. Though he was Burns' assistant, he would get a view from the long winding driveway, but never through the foyer or elegant balcony overlooking acres of plush greenery.

"Now this is all mine..." Smithers gazed into the darkness, but could only make out the dim outline of the flag at the eighteen hole. "Anyways, I feel like a king, like never before." He added.

This was the life he had dreamed of. Years of hard work earned him his place among royalty.

"It's all yours." The accented voice of Groundskeeper Willie made him a deal. "If you would like me to stay on the payroll to maintain these beautiful grounds and to look after the place while you continue your game. I'd be more than happy to."

It sounded good to Smithers. "Deal." There was much more to explore of the grounds, but the fact of how late it was prevented that. He ordered another martini as the sound of crickets faded, and the air was still. "I could prop my feet up and stay here forever..."

The MyPad interrupted that thought as it flashed to signal it was time to go. "Well... there is always the next trip around the board." Groundskeeper Willie raised his dark amber drink to cheers this special occasion. "Here's to finishing your first lap around the board. You know this is space number forty. Bah! I'll see you around soon." He got up and extinguished all the torches except the one closest to Smithers' thimble.

Smithers pressed the Roll icon on the MyPad and the usual loud booms echoed across the sky. It displayed a nine, which Smithers shrugged off. He didn't know whether this was good or bad, so he was indifferent to it.

He mounted the thimble and took one last look at the glory he just purchased for four hundred dollars. Little did he know, the dividing line between luxury and less was mere yards away.

The thimble took one lap around the eighteenth green. A normal golf cart would have left tire tracks, which Groundskeeper Willie would have shaken a fist at, but the silver token effortlessly glided without leaving a trace. After the circle was complete, the thimble bumped the final lit torch. He blew out the flame, and the thimble continued towards the front gate.

Smithers took one last look around the property. "I'll be back soon." He waved as the front gate closed to guard his purchase. Would anyone visit here while he was absent? How would he know if they did? Would Groundskeeper Willie keep the greens looking immaculate? He didn't have time to worry about all the questions as the thimble picked up speed towards nothingness.

The journey was short, shorter than his last roll. A building with a checkered banner hanging from the side appeared in the distance.

"This can't be the destination yet. Last roll was half the number as this, and the ride was longer." It made no sense to him, but he went wherever the thimble took him.

Whatever this was, it was getting closer as the thimble glided over a dirt path. There were few traces of life in the dirt except for a few hoof prints and a solo set of footprints.

"Am I about to finish the race?" Smithers asked himself as the rhythmic gallop of a horse slowly intensified. "If this is a race, I need to win..."

"If you want this to be a race, you would have finished second..." A green hologram riding a horse maintained the same pace, so it could talk to Smithers. "Another competitor has already crossed the space known as Go."

"I'm in second place?" Smithers asked and received a less desired response.

The green hologram froze for a second before answering, almost in a state of visible thinking. "Position-wise, you are the second furthest around the board. Fiscally, you are middle of the pack. I suggest you count to ten."

"Actually, I rolled a nine..." Smithers confused what the hologram was hinting at. "Anyways... one, two..."

"Silently, please." The hologram interrupted. "Nevermind. We are here." The checkered banner approached and Smithers could see the outline of a larger statue with a green aura placed directly beneath. "Welcome to Go where passing this space will automatically collect you two hundred dollars. No action is necessary. It will be direct deposited as I speak. Now to answer your original question... you are currently second in the game."

"You are confusing..." With that comment, the green hologram faded and Smithers continued the journey he thought he would have taken from the start.

The dirt from the racetrack become more rocky as the silver token glided smoothly over it, and the darkness covered any signs of life. Smithers glanced behind him and only saw the faint green glow described by the hologram. He was truly in the emptiness of nowhere.

There was absolutely nothing around him for several minutes. "I hope I soon arrive again at civilization." The air was peaceful as a few fireflies lit the path forward.

One-by-one, they dimmed their lights as streetlights came in view. There was a bump as the dirt path became paved. It slowly widened from one lane into two as it ran parallel to a less traveled interstate. The fireflies maintained their heading as the thimble merged onto the empty highway.

"Back to civilization." He remarked. "At least I can be found on this road." Which might not have been true since he was the only vehicle within miles.

The trip didn't take long, as the majority of the spaces he needed to travel were along the dirt path. Eight billboards advertising food were lined up to his right, and the thimble slowed down so Smithers had time to comprehend them.

"Chili Blasters sounds delicious this late at night..." They had the best advertising as they were the first sign for everyone to see. "They have a Lard Lad here. I could go for some late night donuts."

The signs continued and Smithers shrugged off General Chang's Taco Italiano, Krusty Burger, Kentucky Fried Panda, and Dead Lobster. These didn't hit that late night sweet spot.

The thimble slowed down a bit more to exit the highway and proceeded to the greatest place in the world... according to a child. Fast food restaurants lined both sides of the street as far as he could see. Smithers made the motion to check an invisible watch on his wrist. "This could either be good because I'm hungry or bad because everything was closed since it's very late."

He came to a stop at the beginning of the strip, and the MyPad announced his destination. "You have arrived at Vermont Avenue." It displayed the nine spaces he had traveled.

"Time to explore and eat." He dismounted the thimble and began to walk towards his first choice for a meal: Chili Blasters. "I wonder if this location has the super spicy but yet simply sweet supreme bowl. That would hit the spot."

It was several buildings down the road on the left. He was in luck as there were a few lights on inside, however, when he reached the door...

"Locked?" Frustrated, he made his way around the building to the other door, and it was also locked. Still frustrated, he walked to the drive through window and waited for a response. No one was there, but he could hear voices through the window. "Someone is inside."

Technically, they were walking inside the building and outside. He turned the corner to see two workers unloading a supply truck into the back of the restaurant. Two young employees unloaded heavy boxes from the truck and set them inside.

"Excuse me!" Smithers motioned to the workers, who ignored him. "Young sir, can I order the supreme bowl. I've been hanging out at the country club, and I am in search of food."

"Sorry man. We're closed. We open at sunrise, which is... two hours from now." One of the fast food workers replied. "I haven't fired up the grills yet and everything is frozen."

This was a dead end. Smithers' stomach growled to alert him his task was getting more important. "Thanks anyways!" He waved as he headed across the street to the building next to the twenty-six-foot tall man holding a donut. "This place has to be open. All donut shops are open twenty-four hours a day."

This time the door was unlocked. Donuts are a good second choice behind a supreme bowl of chili. But of course Smithers had the worst luck. Where a wall of donuts should be stacked on the shelves, there were none.

"How can I help you?" A gruff female voice greeted him upon entering. "As you can see, we are currently out of donuts." She explained while taking a bite out of the last key lime donut from the day before. "The night baker is currently making fresh for the day."

"When will those be finished. I traveled through the night after hanging out at the country club most of the night." Smithers explained his story again to someone probably making minimum wage plus third shift differential.

The lady walked to the door leading to the back and lazily yelled the question. "How long until donuts are ready?" A faint voice gave an unintelligible answer, so she made one up. "Joe says an hour and a half. Come back closer to sunrise."

"Thanks anyways." Smithers was getting hungrier, and this game of hide-and-seek wasn't fun anymore. "Before I leave, I have a question..." The gruff voice lady was listening without acknowledging him. "Which restaurants are actually serving food right now?"

She thought for a moment. What did she care, since she worked for the donut shop and the others were competition? "I think Kentucky Fried Panda might open early, but I know for a fact, Krusty Burger is open all hours."

This was not his first choice for food, or choices two through five either, but it was his only choice.

Kentucky Fried Panda didn't sound bad at this time of night. Deep-fried chicken with orange sauce could match well with the martini from earlier. This time, when Smithers checked a restaurant, it was completely dark and locked. There was zero sign of life inside.

He audibly sighed. "I guess I am down to one choice..." It wasn't his ideal late night snack, but it was something. "Krusty Burger, here I come."

It was at the end of the strip, passed General Chang's Taco Italiano, which was closed as well. Krusty Burger was a bright beacon compared to the other restaurants. "Let's just make this quick, so I can find the statue and eat this greasy burger in peace in the parking lot."

Smithers approached the drive through lane to place his order. This method minimized contact with the workers, since he did not want to be associated in any way, shape, or form with eating a Krusty Burger. "Welcome to Krusty Burger. We currently have our late night menu available. You can order when ready." The garbled noise came from the speaker.

"What is the late night menu?" Smithers asked, since the question was floating above him. "I don't see anything differentiating the full menu from the late night menu. How about..."

"It's typically what we have left from the day which isn't already frozen, and sometimes it's what we feel like making. Choices are limited tonight." The speaker clicked off.

"Can I speak to someone, a manager or a mayor?" He threw all the cards on the table. "I also need to find a stone statue if..."

There was whispering coming from the speaker as the drive through attendant was asking for help. "Sir, I'm going to need you to come inside to complete your order. Thank you and have a nice day." The speaker clicked off again, and Smithers figured it wasn't turning back on.

He made his way to the closest door on this side of the building and entered to find very familiar things. "Luann!" He shouted a bit too loud. "Milhouse?" This one was interpreted as a question. "Krusty" Back to shouting. "Glad to see you all here."

They were all seated in a plastic booth enjoying some deep-fried snack food. Milhouse dipped a chicken tender into a mystery sauce while Luann and Krusty stood up to greet him.

"Hey man, I don't know you, and I'm actually on my way out. Luann just bought this franchise location from me, so time to hit the casino." Krusty jumped up from his seat and raced to the door.

"Technically, I bought this entire fast food strip." Luann explained. "I got here first, and it was for sale... and Milhouse was hungry, and it was cheap as well." She continued on regarding her good luck and being the first around the board. "Also, apparently I'm the furthest ahead according to the statue at the finish line..."

"Yeah!" Milhouse added. "It was big and green, and the hologram riding a horse told us how well mom is doing."

Smithers was still shocked to see Milhouse inside the game. "I have a few questions about how you are here?" He wasn't one of the six chosen to play the game, so it made no sense how he could be here. "I am not of the chosen ones either, but..."

"You had Burns put you in here to sabotage... I mean... compete against us." Luann was not thrilled with how that event happened and vocally let Smithers know. "This game would have been hard enough with six of us, seven... that's even worse."

The tension in the air was thick as Smithers and Luann thought of a way to deescalate the situation.

"I'll tell you what... go grab a value meal, and we can discuss how we both got here." It sounded like a great plan... except Luann left out one important part. "It's gonna cost you six bucks, so order anything you want from the statue behind the counter."

Smithers groaned as he realized he couldn't buy this property, and this was his payment to Luann for already owning it.

He approached the counter, the menu boards, and the statue as Luann had instructed. Placing the MyPad in the statue's hands made the typical green hologram appear beside the statue.

"Greetings and welcome to Vermont Avenue." The green hologram recited the usually greeting. "Unfortunately for you, Luann has already purchased this property, so you owe her a payment of six dollars, which is deductible from your account."

"Well in that case, I will have a double bacon cheeseburger, a large unsalted fry box, a large strawberry milkshake, and..." Smithers thought for a moment and figured he could enhance the friendship between himself, Luann, and Milhouse. "Milhouse, you want anything else?"

The hologram appeared disgruntled as usual because Smithers was taking so long.

"Yeah! I'll have another chicken tenders basket and large cola." Milhouse yelled across the room. "And ketchup!" He added.

"Will this complete your order?" The green hologram asked. Smithers nodded and pressed the screen of the MyPad to acknowledge the financial part of his turn was complete. "Your order will be ready momentarily." The hologram concluded while three pieces of paper printed below the MyPad. He took them and rejoined Milhouse and Luann at the table.

He placed the papers on top of a pile of napkins, and Milhouse grabbed them and read them aloud. "This first one says our order number is seventy-two. That's good to know." The screen above the counter showed order seventy-one was ready, so their food was next. "This next one is your receipt for six dollars subtracted from your total and shows you collected two hundred dollars for passing Go, and now you have seven hundred thirty-four dollars."

"I'm not sure I wanted you two to know that, but it's in the open now." Smithers thought more about the game than his building an ally in Luann. "Not like it matters anyways..."

Milhouse read the remaining paper. "Don't worry Mr. Smithers, this piece of paper shows my mom collecting six dollars and now has a total of eight hundred forty-four dollars."

"Milhouse!" The cat was out of the bag now. The secret of how well they both were playing was in the open. "Anyways. I got lucky with a few properties and collecting money from Moe."

"I just bought a country club." Smithers affirmed. "Then I landed here and... six bucks won't break the bank."

"Order number seventy-two." A voice called from behind the counter.

"Milhouse, go help Smithers with the food." Luann directed as they both stood up to collect their midnight feast. As they returned to the table, an extra visitor had joined them.

Standing on top of the table was a red hologram. "It's nice to see you again. Enjoy your food as I take my turn." It disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

"I must have fallen asleep waiting for your turn to end." The same familiar voice spoke over the loudspeaker. "Just as the red hologram said, it's my turn. Now where were we..." The loudspeaker clicked off.

"What was that?" Milhouse wondered.

"This is Burns freezing the game after my turn." Smithers pointed to the burger suspended over the grill. "We just sit here and wait..."

"And eat." Milhouse decided.

"And talk strategy..." Luann declared. "Might as well do something productive while we wait."

Smithers nodded. "In exchange for telling me how Milhouse got here."

Milhouse agreed through a mouth full of food.