The rain is still pounding when my alarm goes off for the morning so my room is dark. It only makes the idea of staying in bed that much more appealing. Considering that yesterday sucked balls, I can only imagine what today's got in store for me.
I should probably go for a run. Or at least get out of bed. But the day's already looking like it's gonna suck just as much as yesterday. And I'd just go back to sleep and skip class if I could ignore my fucking phone.
The damn thing won't stop vibrating and blasting some crap ass ringtone I must've picked while I was drunk. Jesus Christ, why did I pick such an annoying sound?
With a groan, I roll over onto my stomach and lunge off the edge of my bed to grab my phone from where I left it on the floor.
"'Lo?" I mumble as soon as I tap the answer on Kwan's incoming call. Knowing my best friend, he's probably freaking the fuck out cause I haven't called or texted him since yesterday. And I didn't go to practice either so I'm sure he's worried out of his mind. Probably shitty of me to not contact him until now but I'm sure he's come to expect it. I've always been shitty, he's probably used to it.
"Dash, where the hell are you? I've been calling and texting you since practice yesterday. I barely slept, I was so worried!" Kwan says all in one breath. There's a few seconds of silence while he inhales and I wait him out. It's not like I have anything to add. "Did something happen?"
I'd almost prefer for him to be angry with me. I hate the concern I can hear dripping from his words. I don't need anyone to worry over me. I'm fine. Fucked-up. Whatever, same thing. Kwan wastes so much of his time worrying about me and he shouldn't. I'm not worth his time or effort anymore.
Maybe when I was younger, I was. Back when I had illusions of grandeur and dreams of getting out of this town alive. But I've given up those thoughts and I definitely don't deserve Kwan's concern or sympathy anymore. This is my fucking bed now and I've gotta lie in it.
"Sorry," is about all I can manage to say. I want to say it a thousand times over but not just to Kwan. To mom for not being the kind of son she could take with her when she left. To dad for being such a fuck-up and making him angry enough to swing at me. To Danny, for screwing up whatever budding friendship we had. To Alex for being a terrible employee, to Kwan for being a dick all the time, to my teammates, to everybody I've ever met. "I-I'm just sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. Sorry, s-"
"Hey, it's okay," Kwan says softly and I realize that I said those last few apologies out loud. "Talk to me. What's going on, Dash?"
I can't tell him about the phone call with my mom. And I don't want to hear what he'd say about dad not paying for the power bill. We've already talked about how I fucked things up with Danny so there's really nothing else to talk about. And it's not really those things. It's more of...
"It's everything, man," I say, my voice incredibly quiet as I try my best to hold myself the fuck together. Not exactly an easy feat when the weight of the world knows just where the cracks in my broken pieces are.
Kwan exhales and though I can hear it over the phone, it's still quiet. I don't know if that sigh is cause of me being me again but I really hope this isn't the time he decides that I'm just not worth it anymore. God, he'd be so fucking right and I wouldn't even try to change his mind.
"Why didn't you come to practice yesterday? I talked to Valerie and she said you were called to the office," Kwan says, attempting to get me to explain in less of a broad sense than 'everything'. I can't really blame him for trying but he's probably already guessed that I won't tell him anything. It's not like I'm trying to lock him out, it's just hard. I guess when you're used to keeping such a tight lock on everything you feel, it's hard to let anyone else in.
There are so many things I could say to explain my absence but I don't want to lie. I also don't want to tell him the truth. "I don't know, man," I mumble, scrubbing a hand down my face with a sigh. It's really stupid of me to keep Kwan of all people out of this… and there's somewhere I could start.
"Promise not to get mad?" I ask, already groaning cause I know he will. If there's one thing my best friend hates, it's my dad. And I know this latest incident will just fuel that fire.
I take Kwan's silence as him not making any kind of promises but I just plunge ahead anyway. No use avoiding the inevitable. "Dad didn't pay the power bill." The complete silence sounds deafening and I roughly exhale just to create a noise. "It's not that big of a deal, I'm just gonna-"
"Dash, did you come home to an empty, dark house?" There's not really a question to his tone and he only waits a beat before he huffs, sounding seriously ticked off. "Son of a bitch, he's such a child, you know that? He acts like a dick all the time just because he can. He just likes to throw his goddamn weight around and act like you can't survive without him. But you're better off when he's gone."
Kwan takes a few seconds to catch his breath and I'm still processing everything that just came out of his mouth. Kwan's not exactly a saint but he doesn't swear even half as often as I do and I'm surprised. Even for a conversation revolving around my dad, that has to be a new record for my best friend.
"I can loan you some money after practice. I can't believe he'd just take off like that. He can be a real asshole, Dash. If I were you-"
"N-No, man. That's alright, I got it," I interject, finally forcing myself to sit upright. "I've got the money, I can take care of it." I just don't know where to take care of it. Part of me doesn't want Kwan to know that. I don't know how else I'm supposed to figure it out but I'll search for it on the internet or something. I can't have my best friend hold my hand every day of my life.
I leave the warmth of my bed before I can talk myself out of it and begin rummaging through my closet for something to wear. "I'm gonna pay it after school." I don't know if I'm even gonna show up for practice today but I should probably make an attempt. If you miss practice, you're usually benched for the following game. Coach doesn't take skipping practices lightly but he'll make an exception once. Probably not twice.
"Okay, I need to get going," Kwan says, his breathing a little labored. I wonder if he's finishing his morning run. Probably. Leave it to Kwan to keep up with his shit even when he's got so much else to deal with. "But I'll see you at school, right?"
Skipping all day still sounds really fucking appealing. But I don't want Kwan to worry any more than he already is. "Yeah. I'll see you there."
I take the world's coldest shower and I'm still kind of shivering by the time I leave the house, my letterman jacket thrown over my arm. No electricity means no coffee. And I'm running kind of late so I can't stop for any on the way. Which means today's gonna be long as fuck. Everyone seems extra annoying when I don't get my morning dose of caffeine.
As soon as I'm in my car, I scroll through the messages on my phone. A ton of them are from Kwan, just asking if I'm okay or where the hell I am. But a couple are from Paulina and I'm surprised by how her words actually make me feel something. Normally, we're texting when we're horny but this is an entirely different feeling.
From: Paulina
The boys said you weren't at practice… I hope you're okay!
From: Paulina
I know things haven't been easy between us for a while but I'm really hoping this is a chance to start over. And I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything.
There's some kind of sincerity to her message that makes it hard for me to brush this off as her way of rekindling things between us. I get the feeling that this message didn't come from the Paulina everyone else sees. This is from the one only I got to see before junior year. I miss that girl.
I don't know what to say back but I feel shitty for not responding before. I mean… given all the shit that happened yesterday, I highly doubt that she'll hold it against me but still. She's really making an effort here.
To: Paulina
Thanks, that means a lot. Sorry, yesterday was crazy
There's probably a hell of a lot more that I could say and maybe on some level she deserves to know but I'm not ready to tell anyone yet. This shit with my mom is supposed to stay between me and her. At least until after I see her. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep it a secret and it's probably really fucking stupid to see her after she left me and stopped taking my calls but some twisted part of myself has to see this through. I need to see how this whole thing plays out and I'm dying to know what she's gonna say to me. I don't care if I hate it, I have to know.
My teammates are heading in to the school building when I pull into a parking space but Paulina and Kwan hang back. Star hesitates beside Paulina's side but darts off when Jeff calls out to her. I watch them climb the steps before I turn my engine off and slide my arms into my jacket, grabbing my backpack as I open the door. Kwan smiles at me when I step out and offers a cup of coffee my way when I'm close enough. Oh fuck me, I seriously don't deserve this kindness.
"Thanks man," I mumble, taking a small sip before my gaze drifts to Paulina. She gives me a smile and I notice that her eyes are free of makeup. Or if it's there, it's pretty fucking subtle. She's pulled her hair back into a low ponytail and she definitely looks like the Paulina I knew in sophomore year.
"Hey," she says softly, taking a step closer to me. There's a second of hesitation before she pulls me into a hug and I gotta admit… she fits pretty perfectly in my arms.
I kiss the top of her head and she pulls away to smile up at me. It feels weird but somehow almost right to be like this with her again. I don't even bother trying to stop the smile that's pulling at my mouth. "Sorry I didn't text you yesterday," I tell her, glancing toward Kwan with an exhale. "Both of you."
Kwan shrugs, his hands disappearing into his jeans pockets. "It's okay." He gives me a smile but I think it's just code for 'I'm used to it by now'. God, I've had enough time to get the fuck over it, why do I still feel like crap?
"Is everything okay?" Paulina asks, her eyes taking in the bruises again. I really wish that I could say that I'm fine. Or that I'll be fine. I wish my tongue wasn't immediately prepared to start bitching. And I really wish it didn't come so naturally to me.
I exhale heavily, letting go of her hand to shift my backpack strap. One side is digging into my shoulder and it's bugging me. "Yeah, I'm fine." I take a sip of my coffee as Kwan and Paulina share a look. They probably both know I'm bullshitting and they're trying to figure out which one I'll tell the truth to. There's a high chance that neither of them will get to hear it.
"Come on, Ms. Anderson's really strict about being late," I say. Kwan looks like he wants to stop me but he doesn't. The three of us walk next to each other and I feel like I've fallen back into our sophomore year. Before Kwan told his parents how he feels about guys and before Paulina and I royally fucked up who we used to be. Before my mom left. When life was simple.
Danny's a no-show in English again and Lancer doesn't even call his name or ask anyone if we've seen him. He just marks him down and launches into his lesson for the day.
I'm probably the only one in the room wondering where the fuck he is. I doubt he's the kind of person that would skip just cause of the shit that went down between us but I can't help but feel like maybe it's personal. This is the second time since Sunday and god, I hope it's not cause of me. I really don't want to be the reason that Danny skips classes.
By the time the bell rings for the end of the class, I'm ready to bolt. And I'd leave the building as soon as possible if not for Kwan. He's outside Lancer's classroom when I exit and he easily falls into step beside me.
"Listen, I gotta take off but call me later and I'll help you with this power bill stuff," Kwan says, following me out into the parking lot.
I continue walking for a few seconds before I look at my best friend, raising an eyebrow. "You're not gonna be at practice?" I ask and he shakes his head. My eyebrows draw down as I speak. "Why are you skipping?"
Kwan looks away from me, letting out a quiet breath. He avoids meeting my gaze as we walk together to my car. I open the passenger door and exchange my backpack for my gym bag, slamming the door closed again. I situate the bag on my shoulder before I turn around to face Kwan, giving him a questioning look.
He exhales softly, scratching at the back of his head. "It's… a long story. I'll call you or text you later or something, okay?" he mumbles, glancing at his phone with a sigh. "I gotta go."
I watch him start for his own car for a few seconds before I call his name. He glances over his shoulder, a hesitant worry threatening to take over his features. I don't want him to worry about me at all. He deserves at least a few hours without my shit crowding up his head. Even if whatever the fuck he's gonna do is already causing that frown on his face.
"Don't worry, okay? Just practice for the both of us so we can win next game," Kwan says, pumping his fist in the air. The action would be convincing if I didn't know my best friend or see the skin tightening around his eyes. He's holding it together but just barely. What the fuck has a hold of him?
I'm pretty sure I die on the field. Seriously, how the fuck am I supposed to be able to keep up with everyone when I barely slept last night? I thought about mentioning that but knowing Coach, he'd just say I was trying to find an excuse. And to be fair, I haven't been running every day like my teammates. I don't know how they do it, it's a struggle just to drag my ass to school every day.
The parking lot empties quickly and though I really don't want to, I start for home. I don't know where the hell to pay this power bill and I don't know who to ask. I'm not bothering Kwan right now and I can't stand the thought of Valerie knowing that dad's done this before. Those are the only two officially in the know which leaves me with no one. Maybe I can find something at the house that'll tell me what to do.
Normally, the drive home feels a lot longer but it goes by so fast this time. Probably cause I don't actually want to be here. I'm on my porch before I know it but the door only sticks once so I guess that's a small victory for the day.
I don't know how much longer the sun's gonna be out so I make my way into the dining room as soon as I drop my backpack on the couch. Better to get this over with before I run out of time. I really don't want to spend another night in the dark.
The stack of mail is still on the table, reminding me that I never checked it yesterday or today. Should probably do that before I leave.
My fingers still thumb through the mail until I find a few envelopes that look like they're bills or at the very least, they look important. I tear into them quickly and scan them over. One is another bill that dad hasn't paid but it doesn't look like it's the power bill. It does say something about shutting something off…? Maybe it is the power bill… fuck, I can't tell any of this apart.
I have no way of knowing what's what between these four envelopes I chose and I really just want the power turned back on. I barely spend what I make at Alex's on anything other than food, I definitely have the money to pay these. I just don't know how.
Maybe… Alex could help me. Shit, do I really want him to? If I ask him to tell me where the hell to pay these bills, he'll ask why I'm the one paying them and not dad. And I'll have to explain that dad and I had a fight and he skipped out on paying a couple of bills to make me miserable. Fuck, I really don't want to spend another night in the dark.
I don't even realize I'm doing it until my thumb is hovering over the send button on a text message to Alex. I'm just asking him if he's working today. It's not like he can tell anything from that text. I could always ask Anastasia instead. She wouldn't ask as many questions as I know Alex will. But she'd probably mention it and then Alex would find out anyway. Fuck, what do I do?
Hesitation is one thing but I'm just fucking stalling now. I tap the send button and pocket my phone, looking over the letters again. Shit, I must really be an idiot. These don't make any sense and I wish I'd asked mom how to do this kind of thing before she left. Just in case. But I was naïve and thought she'd never leave me alone with dad. We were supposed to be each other's anchors but maybe I was just her dead weight. Keeping her trapped in Amity Park, never able to leave or move on or-
No. I can't let my mind go there. I have to focus and figure out how to do this on my own. Mom's not here to hold my hand during this process and I don't need her to. I can do this without her. If I could ever figure out how to fucking read these stupid letters.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I easily give in, grateful that out of everyone in my life, Alex is still here. He hasn't given up on me yet and thank fucking god cause I really can't do this.
From: Alex
Yeah, I'm closing soon. Why?
I should really figure this out on my own but I don't even know where to start. And it's getting late and I'm gonna run out of time. I guess dad was right. I really can't handle being an adult. At least Alex is still here to hold my hand for now.
Alex is shutting off the lights inside the garage when I pull into the lot and he looks surprised at my presence. I didn't bother to text him back cause I wasn't sure what to say. And really, I didn't want to do this over the phone. Sure, it'd prevent him from seeing my face and the marks dad left on it but Alex would want to come over anyway. Make sure I got everything sorted and all that shit.
He's walking across the shop to meet me when I get out of my car. I hate how quickly his smile disappears when he gets a look at my face. I'm okay, Alex. Please don't look at me like that, I'm fine.
I stuff the letters into my back pocket, letting out a breath as I close the distance between us. He stops when I do and I'm guessing that he thinks I need the space. Maybe I do, I don't know. The only thing I know for certain is that I need his help. Otherwise, I'm not getting out of this mess until dad comes home. And I really don't want him to know how terrible I am at this kind of shit.
"H-Hey," I stammer, sliding my hands into my pockets and dropping my gaze to the shop floor. I feel awkward, like I'm fourteen again. When I would hang on to Alex's every word and follow after him like a damn puppy. "How's uh… how's work been?"
Alex is silent for a few seconds and when I meet his stare, he's watching me. He's studying my bruises and I hate the sympathy I can see in his eyes. I'm okay, Alex. I promise, I'm okay.
"Does it still hurt?" he asks, taking a small step toward me. His arms hang limply at his sides but he looks like he wants to reach out and hug me. I don't think I'd even try to stop him. I… almost want to ask him to.
I let out a breath, moving my hand from my pocket to run my fingers through my hair. "Yeah, a little." Actually, it hurts a lot. But I'm not gonna say that. It's probably obvious and anyway- it's just my face. It's not like when it's my ribs or my stomach and just breathing hurts. My face, I can handle.
Alex nods and takes another step closer to me. This time, he puts a hand on my shoulder and maybe that touch is what I needed. Some kind of comfort or reassurance that maybe everything's not as bad as it seems. His touch gives me the courage to start talking.
"I need your help." It's straight to the point and hopefully doesn't sound pathetic. Well… it's me, so I'm sure it's at least a little pathetic. I don't know if it sounds the same to everyone else but it sure as hell sounds that way to me.
"Okay," he says softly, his hand never leaving my shoulder. I feel like he's keeping it there on purpose, to keep me going. If I wasn't faced with the idea of returning to a home with no power and no idea when dad would be back to turn it on again, I think I'd probably tell him to forget it and I'd get back in my car.
My hand shakes as I grab the bills from my back pocket and I hold them out toward Alex with a shaky exhale. "U-Um… my dad uh… he took off for a couple days, a-an investigation or something and uh… he kinda forgot to pay a couple of the bills," I mumble. The papers are shaking in my trembling hand but I continue anyway. "I uh, I don't know where to pay these a-and I was hoping you could tell me where to go. Just kinda point me in the right direction or something."
Alex hesitates a few seconds before his hand leaves my shoulder and he takes the papers from me. I drop my hand as soon as he does, trying to forget that my hands are shaking at all. My breath is still shaky but I try my best to control it. I'm starting to feel a little light headed and Danny's breathing trick comes back to me. Something like 2, 6, and 8, right? … that's probably not it.
I chew on my thumbnail while I watch Alex, still partially concentrating on my breathing. I'd hate to pass out and Alex insist on watching over me or something. That'd really put a dent in my 'turn the lights back on and go the fuck home' plan.
The silence is thick between us and the frown on Alex's face deepens until I'm pretty sure it'll be there permanently. He lets out a small breath, muttering for a second as he flips between letters. I watch his eyes scan the paper and suddenly he stops, looking up at me.
There's so much sympathy in his eyes, I feel like I'm gonna choke on it. I drop my hand from my mouth, ready to say that I'm fine or that it's nothing out of the ordinary but Alex speaks first. And to be honest, I'm not sure I would have found my voice if he hadn't.
"Dash… are you bruised because of your dad?" Alex asks, worry painted across his face like his expression belongs in an art gallery. I really wish I wasn't the reason for that look. I don't need anyone's sympathy anymore. It's not like when I was five and I didn't know how to deal with dad when he would drink. I know how to deal with it all now.
I have to look at the floor again. I don't want to see Alex's face like that right now. Or ever, really. At least not cause of me. And I really don't want to lie to him. I hate lying to Alex, it's like trying to lie to Jesus or something. He can always tell when I'm being completely honest and when there's only some truth to my words.
Alex puts a finger on the underside of my chin, his touch gentle as he turns my face up to look at him. He doesn't ask again but it's clear from his expression that he still wants an answer. It's been so fucking long since I've let anyone else in. I told Paulina in sophomore year for christ's sake. I don't know if I even remember how to open up anymore.
"Y-Yeah." I think I surprise myself with the answer but I can't take it back now. It's out of my mouth, hanging in the air, and I really wish I hadn't said it. Alex has his own shit to deal with and from the way Anastasia was talking the other night, it seems like it's way more than I ever thought.
He must be able to sense that I don't want to talk about it cause he hesitates for a few seconds before he speaks. "Are you bruised anywhere else?" His voice is soft and I think he's trying to make sure that I stay calm or whatever cause he doesn't normally speak this quietly.
I shake my head, a little afraid to speak in case it brings the shakiness back. I've managed to get my breathing to steady again but there's no telling if it'll stay that way for long. I can only hope that I can hold myself together for a little while longer.
Alex drops his hand from my chin and takes a hesitant step toward me. I don't stop him and he easily pulls me into his arms, one hand cupping the back of my head while the other curls around my back. Shit, I can feel myself tearing up.
"It's okay, Dash," he whispers softly and it's like the damn floodgates break or some shit cause I can't stop the tears from escaping. I try really fucking hard to keep it quiet and it would have probably gone unnoticed if it wasn't for the silence of the shop. But my sniffle is loud and Alex shushes me softly, continuing to rub my back. I don't want to cry again but he makes it so easy. And I bury my face in his shoulder and before I know it, I'm clutching at his shirt like I'm that five-year-old kid again. The one who just didn't understand why dad would get angry and why mom wouldn't stop him. The one that would nurse bruises and skinned knees and let everyone at school think that they were both from riding my bike too fast down the biggest hill in Amity Park.
I've been dealing with dad's shit for twelve years and maybe that's why I can't just stop. Because I've never told Alex the truth before. He's asked and I've ignored or avoided the question. Sometimes I just lied. But here and now, I couldn't. I can't keep him out anymore. Above everyone else, I need Alex. He's always been there in the past and he and his family fucking held me together after mom left.
That five-year-old kid is long gone and the seventeen-year-old in his place still nurses bruises and wonders how to pay power bills that he really shouldn't be dealing with. It's my senior year. It should be about parties and getting so drunk I don't even remember whose party it was and the kind of football games that people outside of Amity Park talk about. Not dealing with an angry dad that takes off when we fight and leaves me to pick up the broken pieces of myself. I'm not fucking china and I think this is the first time that I've ever admitted to myself that none of this is fair. It wasn't when I was five and it's not now. I don't think it ever was.
A/N:
Yo, yo, yo!
Welcome back to another week of the angst. Have you missed me? I know one thing you're missing for sure, the space nerd…. I'm sorry! Next chapter, I promise, he's back. (And it's angsty as fuck so buckle in)
Yay, Dash finally let someone in on the secret! The poor child though. He just wants to be loooooved (and I won't let him be mwhahaha! …until Danny comes along of course)
I've really been enjoying your comments about Dash's mom (and his dad too). I'm glad so many of you are upset with her lmao. I aim to displease when it comes to this story pff
The title of this chapter comes from 'Atlas' by Man Overboard. It's the first track on the Stay playlist on 8tracks. (though I'm considering adding it to Spotify since I've started using the app and have fallen completely in love with it?) I really feel like that song reflects Dash in a little bit of a happier note compared to some of the other songs I've compared him to. …I can't help it, the boy must be tortured!
So, in 10 days, I'll have been writing this story for a year. It's really weird to think that it's almost been an entire year since I started this train wreck, like holy shit. That's a pretty big accomplishment, sticking with it and all, so to celebrate, I've written an anniversary piece for it which will go up in the first week of February. I'll give you some more information about that when the day draws closer but for now, just know that it miiiiight be written from the POV of someone other than Dash… ;)
Thank you for reading this story, this past year has been insane and I've been so happy to watch Stay grow the way it has. I love reading everything you've had to say about this fic. Who knew the tiny idea I had in my mind of Dash being abused would grow into something like this?
I'm gonna stop there before I get all mushy. Thanks for coming back for another week of this angsty shit. I appreciate the hell out of all of you and I'll see you next chapter!
