Sometimes I like to think that I'm not completely selfish. I'm able to fool myself into believing that deep down, I'm a pretty decent person. But the longer I let Danny hold me, the less I feel like a decent person and the more I just feel like shit. It's not his job to help me through this gay panic.
I put unwanted distance between us after a few minutes and it's like the awkward is hanging in the air. Neither of us want the space to be here but it has to be. I'll do something stupid if our bodies are touching.
"I should head out of here," I mumble, rising from my chair. Fuck what Alex thinks, I'm going home. I've hit my head dozens of times in the past, this isn't anything new. I can't stay so close to Danny right now, not while my chest is still constricting every time I look at him.
Danny stands when I do, his hand immediately looping around my inner elbow. His touch really isn't helping and he mistakes my sigh as a sign that he can convince me. "D-Dash, you can't drive yourself home," he says, tugging on my arm until I look at him.
I'm completely capable of driving myself home, this isn't the first time I've driven after some kind of head trauma. It barely hurts now and I just need space. And if I don't go now, Alex will come out of the office and he won't let me get in my car.
"Danny, I need to go," I respond, trying to pull my arm from his grip. He must have anticipated my reaction because he keeps a firm hold as he shakes his head. Christ, Danny. I don't want to leave you either but I can't be around you.
He looks pretty determined to keep me here even when I pull against his arm again and I let out another sigh. Please don't make this any harder than it already is. "C-Come on, just let me go," I mumble, weakly pulling against him. It's not his fault that I'm about three seconds away from freaking out over the fact that we're both guys and I don't want to just be his friend.
Danny shakes his head, practically driving his heels into the ground to keep me rooted in place. "N-No. Alex said-"
"Fuck what Alex said," I respond, managing to catch him off guard enough to pull my arm away from him. Danny just stares at me, maybe still processing my words, but he doesn't say anything. His few seconds of hesitation gives me the perfect window to walk away from him but the most I can do is take a step backward. I don't want to leave Danny yet but I can't think so close to him.
He reaches a hand out toward me but he doesn't make contact. I don't know how to tell if I'm disappointed that I don't get to feel his fingertips against my skin again or grateful because it lets me think straight for a minute. Well… not straight but…
"D-Dash, please don't," Danny whispers, his voice quivering. I hate the way that the sound makes me want to stay. I don't even care what he asks of me, as long as his voice doesn't break on my name again.
I could easily give in but it's not fair to keep hanging around him when I feel this way. I'm his friend. But I don't want to be just his friend. And I have no fucking clue what it means about me or if I'm interested in all guys or just him.
The door to the office opens and we both turn to the noise. Anastasia and Alex are quiet as they leave, talking in low voices as Alex locks the office behind them again. He tucks his keys into his pocket again before glancing toward me and Danny. He doesn't look our way for long, focusing on his sister again when she starts to talk. They're too far away for me to make out anything they're saying but judging from Alex's expression, I highly doubt it's anything they want to share.
"Please don't," Danny whispers and suddenly my attention is on him again. He takes a small step toward me and grabs my hand in his. I can feel the flush across my skin but if he's noticed, he doesn't say anything. "I'll be worried about you if you go home by yourself."
Shit. I really don't want to be the cause of Danny's worry. He probably does that enough with whatever's going on in his life… I really shouldn't add to it. Even though I could walk away and text him when I get home so he knows I'm safe, I can't bring myself to leave. Too many questions are crowding in my mind and I can't stop myself from spilling one into the air between us.
"How'd you stop the car?" I ask, my voice a hell of a lot stronger than I thought it would be. Danny's eyes widen and his hand falls slack in mine. Fear is quickly taking over his expression and he darts his gaze away from mine. I tug on his hand again and he briefly meets my gaze before glancing over my shoulder. "Don't worry, they're too far away to hear you."
Danny shakes his head, a breath leaving him. "I d-didn't stop the car, Dash." He won't look at me as he speaks and from the way his fingers are trembling, I know he's lying.
"That car should have crushed me," I respond, running my thumb over the back of his hand. I shouldn't be pushing him like this. I don't want him to disappear on me again like he did after I pushed him for answers about his parents. I should just shut up but I can't. "What'd you do?"
He won't look at me but his expression is borderline panicked as he tries to pull his hand from mine. "D-Dash, I didn't do anything, okay? Y-You had a lucky b-break…"
"Danny, I should have died or at least gotten seriously hurt," I say and he finally meets my gaze again. I wasn't really expecting his eyes to be filled with tears but they are. And I fucking hate the sight of it. He should never look like that, god no, I'm sorry.
My heart is wrapped around my esophagus as he draws in a stuttering breath and nothing else matters. The only thing I'm focused on is that one lone tear making its way down his cheek.
"I-I didn't do an-anything," he whispers, his eyes falling closed. A second tear joins the first, and I can't help but watch them both race down his cheeks. Shit. I pushed him to this point again. Why do I do this? And why the hell can't he tell me the truth? What's so awful that he can't tell me?
I'm frozen, watching him try to hold himself together, and still clinging to his hand. His fingers are trembling a little but it's mostly his breathing that's fucked. He's drawing in oxygen like he's drowning and I fucking hate this. I can't stand that I've done this to him again. Christ, I didn't mean to push him this hard. I never meant to drive him away, I-
Danny pushes away from me, sliding his hand out of mine more easily than I thought he'd be able to. He wipes at his eyes with one hand and starts for the exit. It's like I'm watching him in slow motion until it all hits me.
"H-Hey, wait!" I run after him before I even think it through, easily catching up in a few seconds. I can't let him just walk away after what happened. I pushed him last time and I let him go, I can't do it again. "Danny, wait, come on." I put my hand on his shoulder and he spins around to face me. His eyes are still spilling over and I just want to reach out and wipe every goddamn tear away. I feel like I'm choking just watching him struggle like this.
"D-Dash, y-you have a problem b-believing people," he manages, fresh tears running down his cheeks again. He sniffles loudly and I know Anastasia and Alex are watching us now. "I-I didn't do anything to the c-car, okay? You just ha-have to believe me."
Shit, I hate the tremor in his voice. I can't stand seeing him panic like this. I want to believe him but he wouldn't be this terrified if he hadn't done something to it. I don't even fucking care what he did, I just want him to stop panicking.
"O-Okay, alright…" I take one of his hands in mine and I don't let him pull away even when he tries to. "I'm sorry, okay? I believe you," I lie, squeezing his hand gently. He won't look at me at first but I'm insistent and when he finally does, his eyes are still filled with tears. He doesn't look as scared as before but there's still hesitation in his every move.
Danny pulls his hand from mine and there's a split second of hesitation before he puts his shaky hand on my shoulder. His fingers curl around the fabric of my shirt and he tugs me toward him. It takes me a second before I realize what he's doing but as soon as his other hand loops around my back, I'm pulling him into my arms and crushing him against my chest.
His head rests perfectly against my shoulder and I don't think either one of us were expecting this to feel so right. Shit, I want to hate myself for loving the way he feels in my arms but I can't bring myself to. Not while he quietly sniffles and I rub circles on his back. I can't hate myself for something that feels this fucking perfect.
It feels like we should be talking, or at least like I should apologize again… but I don't want to break the silence. He moves his hands up higher on my back, curling his fingers around my shirt, and I swear, my heart jumps. His breath hits my neck when he turns his head and I can't stop the sharp inhale I make.
Danny pulls away just far enough to look at my face, keeping his hands on my back. I almost smile at him but my heart's pounding in my ears and I can't think. Danny's eyebrows draw down and he blinks up at me. Fuck, he's adorable with that look on his face.
"Your heart's beating like crazy," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. I don't know how to tell him that my heart's pounding because he's in my arms. That doesn't exactly sound like something a friend would say.
I let out a breath, the butterflies in my stomach going fucking nuts. He still holds my gaze and I want to look away but I can't. We're so close and I hate that my gaze darts to his lips the second he bites his bottom one. Shit, I want to kiss him. Make him forget that I was pushing him or that he was ever crying.
"Sorry," I mumble, not entirely sure what I'm apologizing for. My eyes fall closed when he shakes his head and he pulls away more, sliding his hands onto my shoulders again. We stand in silence for a few seconds before I open my eyes again.
Danny's expression is twisted up with concern and he looks like the last thing he wants me to do is apologize. He moves one hand down to mine, keeping the other curled around my shoulder. I open and close my mouth, not entirely sure what I want to say, but he keeps me from having to come up with something.
"You don't have to apologize," he whispers, sniffling a little in the silence. My hands are still resting comfortably on his lower back but I move one to wipe away a tear on his face. The pad of my thumb trips over a scar in his cheek and his eyes flutter closed. Shit, I want to kiss him.
He opens his eyes again and gives me a smile before I can ever think about getting my lips close enough to press against his. "I'll just… see you tomorrow?" he asks, his voice soft on the question. I nod, letting him leave my arms even though it's the last thing I want him to do.
Danny pushes his hair away from his forehead and wipes underneath his eyes, letting out a small scoff with the movement. "God, you'd think I'd be at least a little better at handling my own emotions." He exhales softly and glances up at me with a small smile. "Sorry."
"Don't worry about it," I mumble, gesturing toward his car. We walk in silence over to the Hyundai parked at the edge of the lot and even though there's a lingering feeling of tension between us, Danny doesn't let it keep us in silence for long.
He digs his keys out before glancing at me. "S-So, how impressed would you be… if I showed you the things you've taught me since we started this trade?" He's smiling with the question but it just makes me feel like shit. I should have taught him better than I have. If I could stop fucking up for even half a second, he might actually learn something that'd impress someone.
"Sorry," I respond, sliding my hands into my pockets with a shrug. "I don't think I'd be very impressed with the basics… we can have a re-do of today sometime this weekend," I mumble, already wondering how I'll fuck it up then.
Danny smiles, stopping at the driver's side of his car. He folds his arms over his chest and leans against the door. "Well, I'll text you and let you know when I have some free time, okay?" He hesitates a second before adding. "Text me when you're home? S-So I know you got there safely?"
This feeling kinda stirs in my chest at the thought of Danny waiting for me to text him and I immediately nod. I don't want to worry him but… it's nice knowing that someone's waiting around to hear that I'm okay. The fact that it's Danny doesn't hurt either.
"What was that about?" Alex asks once I'm back inside the garage. His arms are folded over his chest, his eyebrows drawn down as he asks the question. I doubt he'll believe me if I say it was nothing and I don't want to mention anything about Danny possibly stopping the car. I'm sure Anastasia would just tease me about watching Twilight one too many times.
I shrug, moving past them to get my car keys from the bay I was working in earlier. "He was just… upset about the car almost crushing me," I mumble, shedding my coveralls and ditching them on the stool. I glance back at the car that's still not finished, wondering what the hell actually happened. What Danny can't tell me.
My breath comes out in a sigh and I shove my keys into my pocket. I don't really want Anastasia or Alex to know I made Danny cry or that he was upset cause I asked about what happened with the car. Most people wouldn't have reacted the way he did… god, what is he so scared about? It could have easily been a lucky break, him managing to pull me out in time but his reaction wasn't normal. He had to have done something.
"Is he okay?" Anastasia asks, raising an eyebrow when I turn to look at her. Knowing Danny… I don't know. But at least he seemed a little better when I left him.
"Yeah," I respond, turning my gaze to Alex. "Are you really not gonna let me drive home?" I've done this plenty of times after dad's used me as his punching bag but I doubt Alex wants to hear that. "I didn't hit my head that hard, y'know."
Alex shares a look with Anastasia before focusing on me again, his arms uncrossing. "You're not driving, Dash. Anastasia's going to follow us to my apartment in your car and you're gonna stay with me." His arms fidget like he wants to cross them again but he doesn't. "I don't want you on your own tonight."
Fucking hell, I don't need a babysitter. I've been a thousand times worse before this. The expression on Alex's face tells me he's prepared an argument to fight me with if I try to refuse. Ugh, why does he have to be so worried about me all the time?
"Better just go with it, squirt. You know he always wins anyway," Anastasia responds, patting me on the shoulder before extending her hand. "So, keys for Rider?"
I groan, digging them out of my pocket again. Goddammit, I just wanted to go home and quietly panic about the fact that hey, I might be fucking gay, but of course that can't happen. Alex just has to care about me too much to let me have my goddamn meltdown.
Anastasia takes the keys from me and grins. "Finally I'll get to drive this thing. I can't believe Alex gave it to you," she says, sticking her tongue out when Alex looks at her. "You never offered a car like that to me."
Alex rolls his eyes. "He paid for most of it and you know it." His gaze flits around the room before he glances at his sister again. "Walk Dash to my car, will you? I'm gonna lock the place up." He moves past the two of us and wanders further into the shop. I watch him go but my attention's quickly on Anastasia again when she flicks me on the arm. She nods toward the exit and we start for Alex's car.
"So, is everything really okay with your friend?" Anastasia asks, continuing when I won't meet her stare. "He seemed really upset…"
Upset is a bit of an understatement. Danny was borderline hysterical before I caught up to him and I'm not even sure if it was my fault or not. Maybe I pushed him or maybe he was gonna panic either way… the whole situation is weird and I just want to help him.
I shrug, coming to a stop next to Alex's gray Dodge Challenger. "Yeah, he'll be okay," I respond, sliding my phone from my pocket. I turn it over in my hands, debate texting Danny or not, before I put it away again. I don't know why I'm considering the possibility of telling Anastasia how I feel about Danny but I keep coming up with ways it could play out. They all end with her asking what the fuck is wrong with me so I don't say anything. For now, I'll just keep that shit inside until I figure it out.
Alex and Anastasia use pizza as a way to cushion the fact that they're not letting me go home for the night. I refuse to admit to either one of them that it helps just a little. If I was by myself, I'd just cook whatever's still in the pantry so pizza's nice.
I'm almost doubled over the table by the time I've finished my second slice, laughing so fucking hard at every story Anastasia's telling me. I never get to hear stories about Alex as a kid and some of them are so hilarious.
"You should have seen the look on our mom's face," Anastasia says with a laugh, shaking her head as I try to stop snickering. "Seriously, she was so pissed off. I thought Alex was dead meat."
Alex rolls his eyes, snagging another slice of pizza before responding. "Yeah well. Lucky for me, she was too busy dealing with you and your latest boyfriend to kill me." He smirks as he takes a bite of the pizza and Anastasia scoffs.
"Oh, please. You brought home way more girlfriends," Anastasia drains another few swallows of her beer before raising an eyebrow at him. "Until Kendra, of course."
It's like the whole atmosphere in the room changes. Anastasia keeps that challenging grin on her face but Alex's demeanor shifts. His posture's a lot stiffer and his expression's completely lost any amusement to it. Anastasia struck some kind of nerve.
"Yeah, well," Alex mumbles, attempting to shrug it off, but it's pretty fucking obvious that he's bothered by the topic. He's almost glaring down at his pizza and I've never seen him like this before. When I met Kendra at the electric place that day, I knew she was important to Alex I just… I don't think I realized how important.
Anastasia starts to say something else but he cuts her off with a pointed look. She rolls her eyes like it isn't a big deal and I don't think this is the first time that he's shut down talk about Kendra. I don't know what she did to Alex but I want to understand.
"Is… that the same Kendra I met?" I ask, looking between Alex and Anastasia when they turn their gazes on me. Anastasia raises her eyebrows, glancing at her brother before focusing on me, leaning forward in her chair.
"You met her?" she asks, looking at Alex when he sighs. "Dash actually met Kendra? Something you forgot to mention, Alex?"
He shakes his head, abandoning his slice of pizza to cross his arms. "No. He didn't, he's mistaken." Alex shoots me a look and my gut twists. Whatever this girl did really fucked him up.
"Kendra's in town?" Anastasia asks, her gaze never straying from Alex. He holds my stare for another few seconds before giving in and looking at his sister. A thousand words are spoken in the weighted silence that falls between them and I'm nothing more than a spectator to their silent argument. I don't know what to do but Anastasia seems to.
She leans back in her chair, one hand closing around her beer before she looks away from Alex. Her gaze flits about the room for a few seconds before she's looking my way. I almost feel like I betrayed Alex in a way for bringing up that I met Kendra… even though he never specifically said not to mention it, I feel like I should have thought about it before I spoke.
"Where'd you meet her?" Anastasia asks, addressing me with the question. She raises an eyebrow when the silence stretches on and I look between her and Alex. I don't know if I should tell her anything or not... Shit, I shouldn't have brought it up and anyone else would have realized that before now.
Alex closes the box of pizza and slides it down the table, resting in between the two of us now. He hesitates a few seconds before looking at his sister, letting out a heavy exhale as he does. It takes a few seconds before Anastasia meets his gaze and when she does, he drops his to the table.
"Yes, she's in town," Alex's voice sounds like he's just barely holding it together. I don't think I should be hearing this, it's not something he's willingly brought up with me. It feels like a private conversation but I can't stop myself from listening to it.
Anastasia turns in her chair to face Alex more and he exhales out again, drumming his fingers against the table. His breath hitches when he draws it in and he closes his eyes when it happens. "Fuck," he mumbles, running a hand through his hair. It immediately falls back onto his forehead but he doesn't brush it away. "She moved back here over the summer… she's working at the electric company now."
"Shit," Anastasia responds, sliding her beer toward him. "Here, you need this more than I do."
He glances up at her for a second before taking the bottle. He downs it in one go and I think Anastasia and I are caught somewhere between impressed and concerned. Alex passes the bottle between his hands a few times, shaking his head after a couple of exchanges. "I tried to keep my distance for as long as I could but… god, I only lasted a week before I saw her."
Alex drops his head into his hands and lets out a soft breath. I feel like I'm watching him from the shadows, like he's forgotten I'm still sitting here. If it were me talking about some of this painful shit, I wouldn't want anyone watching. I almost work up the nerve to ask if he wants me to go but Alex speaks before I can.
"She's still beautiful, Ana. Just like she was then, she – Fuck." He jerks a hand through his hair again, roughly exhaling before he continues. "We talked all night, over a bottle of Bacardi. She told me everything she's done since she left town. You know she studied in England for a year?" Alex glances at her with the question but I don't think he's expecting a response. "She was supposed to take a teaching job over there but… she ended up back here."
He runs a hand down his face, looking like he's barely holding it together. "We drank and laughed and… just caught up. Everything felt… it felt like it used to and we both wanted it to go back to the way it was but it can't. You know it can't, you know I can't, it just..." He stops talking and closes his eyes, his hand clenched around the beer bottle again.
Anastasia doesn't even look my way, her focus completely on her brother. "I know. It sucks, it really does but you know… this… today wasn't... it's not the same as it was then. It's not like-" She stops instantly when Alex sighs and I'm guessing that they've had this conversation before.
I scoot my chair back and the sound draws their attention. I slowly let out a breath before standing up. "You mind if I take a shower?" I ask, picking up my plate from the table. I move over to the dishwasher and slide the plate inside before turning around to look at him again.
Alex nods and reminds me where I can get a spare set of his pajamas since we're close to the same size. I head to his bedroom, leaving the two alone. I don't know how the rest of this conversation is supposed to go but something tells me that it'll go better if I'm not there for it.
When I close the door to the bathroom, my phone vibrates and I think I know who it is before I even dig it out of my pocket.
From: Danny Fenton
You never texted me to tell me you got home safely ;p
I hate that he makes me instantly smile and forget about other shit with that stupid text message but I guess that's the way it's gonna be for a while now. I want to help Alex but… I don't think there's anything I can do. So I let Danny distract me instead. He always makes me feel better when we talk and I didn't think that was possible before I met him. I don't know if it's just cause we're really good friends or if it has something to do with that I sometimes think about kissing him but I could get used to feeling better just from a simple text.
A/N:
No one escapes my angst mwhaha
Yo, yo, yo! I hope your week's been good. Did you miss this angsty shit? ;P
Everyone's favorite quarterback has now realized that he's not straight and he's not handling it too well, is he? My poor bi child, so confuse, much scared… yes I went there, what are you gonna do about it? (Side note here: I know he keeps referring to it in terms of gay vs straight but he just hasn't realized yet that he can like more than one gender. Of course you all know that but just thought I'd make it clear why he's saying gay instead of bisexual)
How about that Danny angst? That boy is so precious and needs to be hugged and kissed. He doesn't deserve to be tortured… not that it's gonna stop me
I'm excited for Alex's story to begin unfolding because the secrets he and Anastasia have are things that Dash needs to hear one day. Knowing their shit helps him deal with his own in the future so I'm really happy that more of their story is being told throughout this chapter and the next few chapters as well
This chapter and next should really be read as one instead of two but if I put them together it'd fuck up the numbers for future chapters so… just kinda treat the next chapter as part 2 of this one (hopefully you guys understand why I can't put them together)
The title of this chapter comes from Lauren Aquilina's 'Fools'. It's suuuuch a great song for these two boys, especially when you view it from Dash's POV. There's a line in the song I plan on using for a future chapter but I went with this one because I felt like it tied in with the current events between Dash and Danny as well as the way Alex is feeling towards his ex-girlfriend. If you give the song a listen or anything I've suggested, feel free to hit me up on tumblr - I love talking music ;p
Thanks for reading this update! As always, your thoughts and comments are really awesome to get and your support is appreciated! I'll see you guys next week!
