Alex didn't stop too far from my house but it still takes me more than thirty minutes to get home. I wish I hadn't ditched my only ride back because I'm exhausted by the time I make it into my neighborhood. I can't decide if answering Alex's questions would have been easier than trucking it home.
I stop at the edge of my driveway and stare up at my house, shrouded in the darkness of the night. I don't want to be alone again but it's not like it's any better when dad's there. Fuck, I don't think I can be alone right now.
My phone's in my hand as soon as I step inside the house and Kwan answers on the second ring, sounding a little out of breath. "H-Hello?"
I don't speak for a few seconds and when I open my mouth to, all that comes out is a really heavy exhale. Kwan's silent while I try to pull myself together long enough to ask the stupid question. It's not like he'll say no but part of me is afraid to ask him if I can stay at his place tonight. He has enough of his own shit to deal with, it's not fair of me to dump mine on him too.
"Dash?" he finally asks when the silence has stretched on too long.
Another sigh leaves me before I say it in a rush. "Can I crash at your place for the night?" I pinch the bridge of my nose between my forefinger and thumb, attempting to give some kind of reason behind it but the things I'm mumbling under my breath are nowhere near coherent.
"Yeah, of course. I'm not home yet so you might beat me there," he says, hesitating a second or two before asking anyway. "Did something happen?"
I don't know if it's better to tell him over the phone or in person that I was arrested and questioned by the government. For doing something so stupid for someone that I care a whole fucking lot about. I could have done anything to cause some kind of distraction, but that was the only thing that came to mind. I was so focused on getting Danny out of there, I didn't really stop to think about what the fuck I was actually doing.
"No, it's just… I don't want to be alone, man," I admit, being partially honest. I really don't want to be alone but… something did happen today. And I can't get it out of my mind no matter how hard I try. It's not just the agents questioning me part. It's everything. The look on Danny's face just before the lights went out in the gym. How panicked he sounded when he spoke, the way he begged me to come up with some kind of distraction… it's all so fucking weird and I don't care if he doesn't want me to be a part of whatever this is, I am now. Whatever the hell he did with the car, preventing me from getting my face scraped all to shit, and what happened today dragged me into this.
Whatever's going on with Danny, I'm in it now, too. And I really don't fucking care if he doesn't want me to be. I can't watch him panic again like he did in the gym. I need to know everything that I can to help him from now on and there's only one person that can tell me everything.
I tell Kwan I'll be by his place before midnight and I set off for Danny's house. I second-guess myself half a dozen times before I end up parked at the curb in front of his house. I stare up at the window that I guess belongs to his room. His light is still on and every now and then, a shadow passes in front of the window as I watch. I consider just ringing the doorbell so his parents will get him and he won't have a chance to ignore me but something about that rubs me the wrong way.
Danny still hasn't responded to any of my messages from hours ago but I'm willing to bet that he won't be able to ignore this one. Even though I change and rewrite my text a million times before I press send, I end up going with the first thing I typed. It still sounds vaguely threatening to me but I let it go through anyway. I doubt I would have come up with anything better.
To: Danny Fenton
Come outside, we need to talk
My phone stays silent for a few agonizing minutes before his response pops up on my screen.
From: Danny Fenton
Dash, go home.
No fucking way am I backing down now. I spent hours with those government agents and in a jail cell tonight. I drove all the way out here to get more than just words on my screen. My chest is aching at the memory of how Danny retreated last time I pushed him for answers but something tells me this time will be different. Something tells me that he needs to tell someone what's going on. I want to be that someone for him. Even if he's helping the phantom, I want to know the truth.
To: Danny Fenton
No. Either you come out or I'm coming in
From: Danny Fenton
Are you serious?
To: Danny Fenton
Yes
When he doesn't respond for several minutes, I look up and see that he's opened his curtains. He's staring down at my car and though he probably can't see me from where he is, I stare up at him too, only looking away when he responds.
From: Danny Fenton
I'm tired, Dash. Please go home.
Part of me wants to give in, just let him know that I'm here for him when he's ready to open up. I want to say okay and go to Kwan's and crash on the air mattress he only keeps around for the nights that I can't take dad or myself for much longer. But the other part of me can't let Danny suffer alone anymore.
To: Danny Fenton
I'm coming up
Danny's curtains fall closed again and his shadow disappears from in front of the window. I watch his house for what feels like forever before his front door finally opens. I didn't think I was gonna be able to convince him to talk to me but he starts out of his house, pulling the door closed behind him.
I get out of my car as he approaches, and he pockets his phone before folding his arms over his chest as he crosses over to me. When he stops a few feet away from me, I take a couple of steps forward to close the distance between us. He stares up at me, exhaustion obvious in his features.
"Dash, I-"
"Whatever it is that's so bad you feel like you can't tell me, you can," I say, watching the way his expression falls. "Believe me, Danny, I get it. I'm not gonna freak out or get pissed off no matter what it is. Please trust me."
Danny exhales and the noise sounds like the weariness he feels is part of his soul now. I want to take it from him and sew it to myself instead. I want to bury all his problems so deep inside me, he'd never be able to take them back.
"You… have no idea what you're saying. You can't promise me any of that without knowing everything," he says, shaking his head as he looks away from me. His stare is set out past the tree-line that hides his place from the view of the road and his expression is somewhere between disappointed and just tired.
I take a step closer to him, placing a hand on his upper arm. My fingers tremble with the movement and I feel the goosebumps that rise to his skin at my clumsiness. I almost apologize for it but when he turns to look at me, all thoughts of sorry leave my mind.
"Then tell me everything," I whisper, watching his eyes search my face. Whatever he's looking for, he doesn't find in me and I can't help but feel disappointed. I don't expect him to compare my eyes to stars or to find strength in someone as fucked up as I am but I want him to trust me with anything that hurts. Instead, he looks away from me and shakes his head as the silence extends over us.
I don't know what to say, cause I'm shit when it comes to words, but I gently run my fingers up and down his arm several times, trying to soothe him I guess. It's not like it does that much because whatever's fucking with him won't let him have this moment for too long.
Danny pulls away from me and the distance between us makes the ache in my chest return. I already miss the feeling of his skin against mine and that thought does nothing to calm my pounding heart. I almost think he can hear it because he looks back at me with a puzzled expression that has my blood running cold.
"Why did you come here? You… knew I wouldn't tell you anything," he says, distracting me with the way his teeth capture his bottom lip. I hate myself for tracing the shape of his mouth with my eyes rather than coming up with an answer to his question.
"I-I thought you might change your mind… c-cause… I want to know how to help you," I say, and he sighs. I try to close the distance between us, touch his skin again, but he steps away, preventing me from getting close enough to brush my fingers along his arm.
Danny toes the ground with his shoe, staring down at the scuff in the dirt he's made. "I can't tell you anything, Dash. I'm sorry." He won't look at me, in favor of gazing at the ground, for a long time.
"I pulled a fire alarm for you today," I suddenly say, my voice a lot louder than I meant it to be. "You can't even explain why you needed a distraction?"
He looks up at me before slowly shaking his head. "No." He uncrosses his arms and stares back at me like that's the end of the conversation. Like I don't deserve an explanation despite doing something illegal for him.
"I'll see you at school," he says, turning toward his house again. I watch him walk away but he only gets to take about five steps before I come after him, spinning him around with my hand on his shoulder. Danny's expression is startled as he stares up at me and for a second, all we can hear is each other's breathing.
Danny's gaze is locked onto mine and my breath is shaky as I open and close my mouth. I want to be angry at him for keeping me in the dark but I can't be. Not when he's looking up at me the way that he is. Not while my heart is so tangled around my throat, I can barely speak.
"I-I was arrested tonight," I whisper, watching the way his eyes widen. I curl my fingers in the fabric of his t-shirt as I continue, my voice dying out several times. "I-I was taken to some kind of… government office and these agents questioned me for fucking hours. They had photos of my parents, Danny. My parents. They threatened to… I don't fucking know but I… I need some answers. Just tell me something… to explain why I had to do what I did today."
He's silent as he holds my gaze, his eyes blown wide, and his throat bobs as he swallows. I hate myself for being distracted by anything his body does. It's an involuntary reaction and I can't tear my gaze away from his throat until he distracts me again. And my heart fucking stops when he bites into his bottom lip. God, I wish it was my lip he was biting on.
My eyes fall closed and my hand slides from his shoulder, onto his arm again. My fingers trip over the hem of his sleeve and my pinky just barely grazes his skin but it's enough to make drawing in a breath sound strangled.
"Please… tell me something," I whisper into the silence that's surrounding us.
Danny's hand is warm as he places it on the side of my face and I try not to shiver at the touch. I want to open my eyes and see him staring back at me but I know the moment I do, I won't be able to stop myself from pressing my lips to his.
"I-I'm sorry… I can't tell you anything," he whispers back, resting his forehead against mine. His hand slides from my cheek to the back of my neck, pulling me down closer to his level. His rattling exhale ghosts over my lips and the breath I draw in is choked and strangled. Because I want his lips against mine instead of only his breath.
I don't tell him that it's okay or that I understand because it's not and I don't. This isn't fucking fair but I can't watch him disappear on me again. At some point in his life, he's gonna have to trust someone with the truth. I can only hope that one day, I can be that someone for him.
The awkward tension between us doesn't dissipate any and the longer we stand around, making shitty conversation, the worse we both feel. So, I say that Kwan's waiting up on me and we tell each other goodnight.
After an equally awkward hug, he leaves me leaning against my car as he disappears inside his house again. I wait for his shadow to appear in the window again before I climb into my car. When I check his window, he's pulled the curtains open and gives me a small wave that I'm quick to return.
I only hesitate a few more seconds before I pull away from his house and start down the road, my mind running faster than my car. I don't know why he won't tell me what the hell is going on. I can only hope that he just accepts he can trust me and tells me the truth. Because my mind's going crazy trying to justify the thought of him helping out the phantom.
My rambling thoughts keep me occupied on the drive to Kwan's place and he opens the door before I even have to text him. I get out of my car and he meets me at the back, taking my duffel bag from me so I can close the trunk. He gives me a tired smile and I feel shitty for making him wait past midnight to go to sleep.
"S-Sorry man… I had to take care of something before I came over here," I say, rubbing the back of my neck as we walk to his house. He offers a shrug in response, stifling a yawn with the back of his hand.
He quietly opens the door and gestures for me to follow, carefully locking up after we're both inside. Kwan double checks the bottom lock before handing my bag off to me. "My mom's asleep so we gotta be quiet," he whispers, glancing over his shoulder at his mom's closed door as he continues into the house. "You go ahead upstairs, I'll be right behind you."
Kwan disappears into the kitchen and I climb the stairs, trying to be as quiet as I can. I can't imagine that Mrs. Young would be understanding if I were to wake her this late so I dress quickly in the bathroom before heading into Kwan's room.
He's already set up the air mattress and his bed's turned down. I leave the door cracked so Kwan won't have to open it and I cross over to the bed. I stare down at it and though I'm tired as fuck, I don't collapse onto it. My attention is pulled to the window and I move toward it, tugging the curtain back to look out. I picture Danny staring up at the same sky and counting the stars the way I am. I wonder how many he can count from where he is. I give up after seven but mostly because the door creaks behind me.
Kwan's got a bag of chips clenched between his teeth and is carrying two soda's and a package of Oreo's. He manages to close the door a lot quieter than I would have done in his position and he hands off one of the drinks to me when he's close enough.
I take it without questioning the midnight snack, mainly cause my stomach is growling. I ate a shitty microwave meal before the cops picked me up and I guess my body's finally letting me know what it thinks of that.
"Thanks," I say, taking the bag of chips Kwan offers me before I collapse onto the air mattress with a heavy sigh. Tonight's been so fucking weird and I'm relieved that Kwan's okay with me crashing here. I don't think I could handle being alone.
Kwan settles onto his bed, his soda can making that signature noise when he opens it. He chugs a few swallows before resting the can on his knee. He looks down at me and I wordlessly pass the bag of chips his way.
We spend ten minutes just munching and chugging our drinks before he finally breaks the silence. I'm licking the cream from my second Oreo when he speaks.
"You're sure nothing happened today?" he asks, watching my expression. I try to keep it neutral but I look away too fast to be subtle. I don't want to bring up the fact that I was arrested and hauled into a government office cause that would lead to telling him about pulling the fire alarm. And I can't tell him about the things I did today cause he'd want to know why Danny needed me to cause a distraction. I know I can trust Kwan with anything, he's been my best friend since we were five, but… something about the look on Danny's face tonight makes me want to keep silent about this forever.
I shrug, returning my attention to the Oreo. I give up trying to lick all the cream off and just cram the rest of the cookie into my mouth. Kwan's patient as I work through everything I'm thinking and I finally opt for something that sounds pretty casual.
"Yeah, it's just… been a weird day, y'know?" I respond, crawling off the end of the mattress to ditch the empty soda can into the trash on the other side of the room.
I lay down as soon as I'm on the mattress again and though I close my eyes, sleep feels like the farthest thing from my mind. After a few minutes of silence, Kwan cuts out the light overhead before collapsing back onto his bed.
My body is nowhere near ready to sleep but I keep my eyes closed in the darkness anyway, hoping that I'll actually manage to get in a few hours before school. With the way my mind is running, I'll be lucky to get one hour.
So many things tick at my mind and scratch at my brain the longer we're both silent. I know Kwan's tired but when I don't hear his breathing even out for half an hour, I softly whisper, "Hey, you still awake?" knowing that he is.
"Yeah," Kwan says, a yawn escaping him immediately after. I open my eyes to stare up at the ceiling and he exhales softly. "What is it?"
There are so many things I could say, so many things I need to tell him in this moment as my mind turns over all the shit that happened today but something else nags at me. Something more important. One stupid thing that's been bugging me since that night on the beach where Danny's hands were on me and my mind was hazy from alcohol and the late hour and pure want. Something I can't ask anyone else but I know I can ask my best friend.
"How… did you figure out that you're not… how'd you realize you're gay?" I ask, my throat constricting with every word, threatening to cut me off. For a second, I think my left hand is vibrating before I realize it's just trembling. Because I'm terrified of the answer. Did Kwan just realize it one day? Or was there someone that made him question everything the way Danny's doing to me?
Kwan stays quiet for half a decade and I'm so fucking glad it's dark in his bedroom. This is something I can only talk about in the dead of night. When the shadows are all around me, convincing me that it's okay to be something other than what I've been raised to be. I'm terrified that I am and terrified that I'm not. What does it mean if I don't like guys but I just like Danny? Or what if I don't like girls anymore but I only like Paulina? Can't I like both? Fuck, it's all confusing.
"Honestly, when I was hanging out at girl's places, I just realized I was checking out their brothers more often than them," Kwan says, laughing a little. "Kind of embarrassing I guess but… I don't know, it just sort of hit me one day that I was way more interested in our teammates rather than the cheerleaders."
I don't know what to say, it's not like my experience is similar. I'm not interested in other guys. Just Danny. I don't find myself checking out the guys we go to school with. Only wishing that Danny's lips were against mine.
"Why are you asking?" Kwan asks, shifting on his mattress. I listen to the springs until he stills again and my breath sticks in my throat. It's not like I can just say that I'm asking because Danny's making me question everything. I can't tell Kwan who it is.
My chest is squeezing painfully and the breath that escapes me is shaky as fuck. I can't say it. I can't fucking say it. God, I know Kwan will understand this shit the most but I can't tell him that I've become completely obsessed with someone I've known for only a small part of my life.
"I'm scared, Kwan," I whisper, squeezing my eyes closed as soon as the words leave me. Fuck, I can't say it. I don't want anyone to know that I'm questioning everything right now. All because of a boy that points out stars and makes me believe that he's one of them, fallen to earth.
"It's me, Dash… you don't have to be afraid," Kwan whispers, moving from his bed and sinking down onto the edge of the air mattress. He quickly intertwines our fingers together and doesn't say anything about the fact that I'm shaking.
I know I must be bruising him in my grip but it's not like I can help it. If I let go of him for even a second, I'll shatter into a thousand tiny fragments. And I really don't want my best friend to have to clean up my broken pieces. Not again.
"What's scaring you?" Kwan asks softly and I suck in a strangled breath. It's Danny. It's his smile. His eyes. The way he talks about space and makes it seem like the most interesting thing in the world. It's the way that when he's around, no one else fucking matters to me.
I don't know how to be anything other than straight but I don't think I'm fucking straight when Danny's around me. I think of his lips against mine far too often to be straight. But I've always loved Paulina too much to be gay. God, what the fuck is wrong with me?
"Th-The things… that I want… th-they scare me," I whisper, feeling the words choke me on the way out. But it's true. I'm scared shitless. I really fucking like Danny but that's not the answer to some great mystery I've always felt in my soul. It's just another question. Something else for me to figure out. God, I don't want to have to figure this out.
Kwan swipes his thumb across the back of my hand and squeezes gently. "Why are they scaring you? What do you want, Dash?"
I hate the way my voice shakes and I hate that I can barely breathe as I speak but I say it. I finally say what's been choking me since I carried Danny up the stairs and laid next to him that night at the beach. I want him. More than I've ever wanted a single person before, I fucking want-
"Danny. I-I want… Danny."
The silence scratches at me when Kwan doesn't say a fucking word and I start to question whether I spoke at all. The only tell-tale sign that the confession even left me is the way my heart is fucking pounding.
Kwan's quiet for a minute or two, maybe just thinking it over, but he finally runs his thumb over the back of my hand again, in an attempt to reassure me. He's quiet as he shifts on the mattress, letting out a low breath with the movement.
"You like him?" he asks, his voice almost a whisper in the darkness.
I can't believe I'm lying in my best friend's bedroom, trying to find a way to tell him about the boy that's grabbed a hold of my heart and made me believe that death is a kinder fate than not having him in my arms or against my lips.
"I-I… y-yeah…" I mumble, running my free hand down my face. Shit, I do. I like Danny. A lot more than I thought I did. I like the way his face lights up when I get something right in algebra, and the way his eyes shine as he stares up at the sky in the dead of night. I like the way his shoulder feels against mine when we're sitting on the hood of my car, and I like the way he fits perfectly in my arms. Yes, Kwan, I like him. I like him so fucking much.
Kwan lets out another breath, squeezing my hand gently. "How long have you… been struggling with this, Dash?" he asks softly, shifting a little more on the mattress as he tucks one leg beneath him.
I pull my hand from his only because mine has gotten sweaty and gross, and it's probably still trembling. I push my hands through my hair instead, to keep him from reaching for me again. "Um… I-I… Fuck, I don't know. Since like… god, probably since that weekend at the beach." It didn't hit me until later why I was feeling the way I was about Danny but I think I started to like him that night. When his lips were almost on mine and I regretted every second that they weren't.
My phone vibrates on the floor, startling the both of us. I run a shaky hand down my face, trying to get a grip. I roll over to grab it, the screen illuminating the bedroom as I type in my passcode.
From: Danny Fenton
Did you get home okay?
There's no denying the way my heart flutters at the mere thought of him worrying about me or wondering how I am. It's definitely not something that should make me grin in the darkness of my best friend's bedroom and yet, I can't stop it and I know Kwan can see.
"Is that from him?" Kwan asks, stretching his arms over his head in a yawn. He stands from the air mattress, shuffling over to his bed before he collapses onto it with an obscene groan.
I read over Danny's text a couple times more, trying to come up with the right way to respond. "Yeah. He uh… just wants to make sure I got home okay." It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud but it makes fighting off another grin more difficult.
Kwan snorts quietly and I turn to look at him at the noise. My screen is still lighting up his bedroom and I can clearly see the expression on his face. "That's adorable," he says, the grin widening at what I'm guessing is a blush on my face considering I can feel the heat crawling down my neck.
I let out a scoff and turn back to my phone, intent on ignoring him, despite the laugh he gives. I don't give him my attention as I type and re-type my response to Danny, changing it multiple times before I finally press send.
To: Danny Fenton
Yeah, I'm crashing at Kwan's. Thanks for checking up on me.
It still sounds casual as fuck but I guess admitting that I like him isn't something I'm ready for anyone but my best friend to hear yet. And speaking of Kwan, he's half-hanging off his bed lying on his stomach as he tugs at my arm because I've been ignoring him for the better part of ten minutes.
"Dude," I finally say, giving him a pointed look. He just grins in response which doesn't help. I've already got those damn butterflies in my gut from Danny's text, I don't need that feeling to make me smile despite Kwan's teasing. That'll just give him the wrong impression.
"What is it about Danny that you like? What got your attention?" Kwan asks, continuing to hang off his bed as he swings his feet back and forth in the air like a fucking child.
I roll my eyes at him and shrug, clicking my screen off. I turn off the sound before placing it over my chest. I don't know what it is about Danny that gets my breath caught in my throat at the mention of him but I know he makes me happy. Makes me forget about all the ugly shit for a while.
"Wait, hang on… this is… new for you, right? He's the first guy you've liked?" Kwan asks, some tone of hesitation in his voice with the question. He doesn't seem to need an answer because he's instantly talking again, like he never asked the question in the first place. "Cause I didn't think you could start questioning and not tell me. I mean, that's kind of something you eventually tell your best friend, you know? Well, you know, cause I did. Not that you have to tell me something like that, it's more like-"
I let out a low breath, trying to be quiet in my meltdown, but the noise stops Kwan mid-sentence. The silence falls over us again and I consider not speaking at all. Just rolling over and going to sleep, but… I think I need Kwan right now. The place my mind is going isn't somewhere I want to be alone in.
"I've never… liked guys before. Like they weren't… E-Even when you were figuring your shit out, I never… And even now, i-it's not just… I like girls, too. I don't… What's… Kwan, what's wrong with me?" I whisper, a groan leaving me as Kwan moves from his mattress back to mine. He reaches for my hand again but I won't let him grab a hold of it. I don't need him to hold my hand and walk me through this gay panic. Or fuck, maybe I do. I don't know anything anymore because it's Danny. Everything's fucking different with Danny.
"Nothing's wrong with you," Kwan says, placing his hand on my shoulder when I won't let him have my hand. "Seriously, a lot of people don't figure out the genders they like until they're older. People do a lot of experimenting in college before they come to terms with it all. If anyone's a little odd in this situation, it's me. I figured out my sexuality practically in middle school."
He gives a short laugh but it's not funny. None of this is funny and I don't know why I ever thought this was okay. Fucking hell, I like Danny. I want to feel his teeth against my lip and drag my nails down his spine. I like another boy. That's not a good thing. I'm not somebody that gets the chance to fucking experiment and figure this shit out. Not with a dad like mine.
"I can't do this," I respond, pushing Kwan's hands off me. There's only a split second of hesitation before I'm crawling off the mattress and stumbling through the darkness of Kwan's bedroom. I shouldn't have come here tonight. I should never have told him any of this, never admitted how much I want Danny. Cause I can never have somebody that beautiful and kind. Not when I'm just a fucked-up quarter-back that can't even stand up to my own father.
"Dash, wait. H-Hang on a second," Kwan responds, losing his footing as he trips over something on his floor. He grabs onto my shirt and I don't know if it's to stay upright or if it's to keep me here. Fuck, I can't stay here. Kwan's figured this all out and I'm just-
"I'm a fucking wreck," I spit, not sure when I changed from thinking to talking but I can't stop. "Shit, Kwan, I can't do this. You're not… god, you've figured this shit out and… I can't do this. My dad would never go for this. He'll fucking… I don't even want to imagine the shit he'll do to me if he ever finds out that I might be gay, this can't happen, I-"
"You think my dad understands this?" Kwan asks, his voice softer than mine. I have to strain my ears to catch what he's saying but I don't miss the stuttering breath he drags in. Shit, Kwan, no. That's not what I meant. Please don't… don't think about your dad. He doesn't understand you cause he's a fucking prick. He's not like mine… mine is… my dad's right. I can't be gay. I just can't fucking be gay.
"Don't… limit yourself because of what someone else believes, Dash. You'll never make yourself happy if you only let yourself exist within the fine lines other people have drawn for you." Kwan puts his hands on my shoulders and though his fingers are trembling, his voice is steady. "Please… don't make the mistakes I did and give up on something before it has the chance to be everything."
I hang my head the longer he talks and I hate the way tears have sprung to my eyes in the quiet. I hate feeling this way. Pathetic. Weak. All cause of a pair of bright eyes and a grin so fucking beautiful, it makes me believe a piece of starlight was born with the name Danny.
Kwan gently squeezes my shoulders, letting me sort through everything in my head in silence. He doesn't immediately push for a response but when I've dragged out the quiet between us for too long, he pulls me into his arms, shushing me before I have the chance to argue.
God, I fucking hate this. I don't need anyone to hold my hand but Kwan's insistent with the hug and I slide my arms around him, unable to resist it any longer. Part of me hates him for dragging me into this and part of me loves him for loving me enough to hold me. To try to make me feel like everything's not fucked and that I'm not fucked and fuck, it feels good.
And that's how I end up almost hyper-ventilating in my best friend's arms as I try to accept that it's no longer a question. I like Danny. Even more than that… I think part of me fucking loves him.
Kwan doesn't let me mope about it for too long, convincing me to crawl back into bed. I try to stay awake and talk to him about something else but I start drifting off before him and everything around me just gets dark and hazy. I think I roll over on my phone at one point in the night but I'm out of it before it completely registers in my brain. The next thing I'm aware of is Kwan gently shaking my shoulder, calling out to me from beyond the void that is sleep.
I groan, trying to make sense of the world again when I catch the scent of brewing coffee. I can sleep through people talking, or somebody making breakfast but coffee and I go way back. Pretty sure that shit could wake me from a fucking coma.
"Better… save me some coffee," I mumble, rolling onto my back and covering my eyes with my arm. It works to block out the light but nothing can block Kwan out. He laughs either at my response or my desperate attempt to get a few more minutes of sleep.
"Come on if you wanna take a shower before school," Kwan says, nudging my leg with his foot. It only works to draw another groan out of me. I don't want to get up and face the day. Ugh, the only reason I haven't just gone back to sleep is cause I can still smell the coffee.
I tug the covers over my head, intent on staying in bed all fucking day if I have to, but Kwan won't fucking leave me alone. He sinks down on his bed, nudging my shoulder again.
"Dash, get up. There's a test in history today, come on," he insists, continuing to shake my arm every time I start to drift off again. I've known Kwan since I was a kid and most of the time, I like him a lot. But right now, I think I could get used to the idea of hating him.
He laughs when I pull the covers off my head just enough to glare at him. Kwan sips from his coffee mug before nudging my leg with his foot again. "Seriously, you'll be late if you don't get up. And I know how much Ms. Anderson loves it when people are late to her class."
I roll my eyes, throwing the covers off me only to make him shut up. I really don't want to go to school today but I don't think Kwan's gonna let me sleep so what's the point of staying here?
"Fine, I'm getting up. Are you happy? I could have been dreaming about super-models or something, god," I mumble, running a hand down my face as I reluctantly leave the warmth of the bed to grab some clothes from my bag.
Kwan clears his throat softly and I just barely catch the grin on his face when I throw a glance over my shoulder. "What the fuck are you so happy about already? It's too fucking early for this, what the hell is so great?"
"Did any of those supermodels look like Danny?" he asks, innocently sipping from his coffee when I turn around to glare at him again.
I try not to give him a response as I finish gathering my clothes but I end up flipping up my middle finger. He laughs again, coming up behind me to clap me on the shoulder.
"Come on, you can have some coffee after your shower. My mom should be done with breakfast by then," Kwan says, sipping from his mug again. "And hopefully you won't miss any classes. I think Coach'll have a heart attack if he has to bench you for the game."
I blink, glancing around his room for my phone. Is it really Friday already? God, it feels like fucking yesterday that I went to Danny's place for a tutoring session and ended up cooking dinner for the both of us.
"It's game day?" I ask, moving over to where I left my phone. I click the screen on and notice a couple of unread texts from Danny. I tap in my passcode and one-handedly rub at my eye, a yawn escaping me.
From: Danny Fenton
I'm glad you're staying with Kwan
From: Danny Fenton
As a warning, I'm not coming in to school tomorrow. Telling you now so you don't show up at my house to make sure I'm not dead
From: Danny Fenton
Not coming to the game either… just know that I'll be rooting for you at home
What? Why isn't he gonna be there? I wanted to see him… at least to just make sure he was okay. Between the bruises on his face yesterday and all the shit that happened with the agents, I kinda wanted to make sure Danny was alright.
To: Danny Fenton
Why? Is something wrong?
I don't like the way my stomach twists around itself at the thought of anything happening to Danny. He shouldn't have to worry about the kind of shit that he does. Whoever's inflicting those bruises on him just shouldn't be around him anymore. I swear, if I ever find out who's knocking him around, I'll make sure they pay for it. No one can get away with doing that shit to anyone around me but especially not to Danny.
And whatever's going on with the phantom… if he's really helping them, he's gotta have a good reason. Danny doesn't seem like the kind of person to go along with something if it's not right. Maybe he knows something the cops don't about the phantom. Either way… if he ever trusts me enough with the truth, I'm not gonna tell him that he's wrong. Even if every fucking police officer and government agent is telling me that he is.
"Did you really forget that it's Friday?" Kwan asks, frowning when I look over at him. He sips from his coffee again before resting the mug in his palm, a smile quickly taking over his expression. "Oh speaking of, next weekend is the opening of that place I told you about, Starlit Specters. You're… still coming to that right?"
I run a hand through my hair, clutching my phone with the other. "Um… yeah, man. Of course I'm still coming." I barely remember when Kwan mentioned the club but if he still wants me there, then that's where I'll be.
"Dash, are you okay?" Kwan asks, placing a hand on my shoulder. He gives me a funny look but I try to shrug it off, still trying to make sense of the world.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just… I'm gonna take a shower." I leave his room then but I can't stop thinking. While I'm undressing and lathering up, standing under the spray, and toweling dry, I can't turn my mind off.
I don't know why Danny's staying home today but after what happened yesterday, I can't stop thinking about it. Wondering if he's hiding out in his room away from his parents or just the world in general. Do his parents even know when he skips school or does he somehow keep that from them? Is he not showing up cause of the agents or is it me? Did I push him too far last night?
Unable to stop myself, I grab my phone from the counter and hastily type in my passcode. I send a flurry of text messages to Danny, just hoping that he's okay. Hoping that I didn't do anything to make him hate me. I can take it if he wants some space but I can't handle it if he hates me for not knowing when to shut up.
To: Danny Fenton
You're okay though, right? Kind of worried about you
Please tell me you don't hate me
If this is about last night, I'm sorry. I don't know when the hell to shut up and I'm sorry that I upset you. I'm just worried and I wish I could help you
Please be okay
I don't know what else to say so I leave it at that. I only stare down at my phone for a few minutes before I come to terms with how pathetic it is and I put it away, only exiting the bathroom so Kwan won't come banging on the door, thinking that I've tried to drown myself. I don't care that Kwan's mom has made something that smells amazing for breakfast. Or that there's a game tonight and I'll get to tear up the field and kick some ass with my teammates. Right now, all I can care about is Danny. And hope that wherever he is, whatever he's doing, he's okay. I just need him to be okay cause I don't think I know how to be if he's not.
Kwan leaves his house at the same time I do but I end up taking the long way to school, just trying to make sense of everything right now. I don't know how the fuck I forgot it's game day or why I can't come up with any kind of explanation for why Danny's staying home or what the fuck was up with those agents yesterday or even why-
Valerie.
Oh my fucking god, Valerie. She'd know what the hell's going on, at least as far as the agents go. They're suspicious of the phantom having an accomplice at Casper High but… do they suspect it's Danny the way I do? I think a part of myself has to have the answer so I can know what I'm up against. If it comes down to telling the police what I've seen Danny do and protecting him… it's no fucking contest.
I turn my car around before I have a chance to talk myself out of it and I know I can catch Valerie in time if I don't stop for anything. So, I push my car to go faster than the speed limit and try not to think about the fact that my brakes are still really fucking shitty.
Even with having to stop for a red-light cause I know cops hide out on the other side of some bushes to catch people, I make it to Valerie's place just after 7. Her Prius is still parked outside the apartment building and I leave my car quickly, climbing the stairs two at a time to get up them faster.
Valerie opens the door after the third knock and she raises an eyebrow, a coffee mug clutched in one hand. She's already dressed in a white coat similar to the one she wore yesterday and I wonder how long she's been up.
"Hey, what's up?" she asks, stepping back to let me inside. She wanders away from the doorway, sipping from her mug. I push the door closed behind me and follow her to the small kitchen table where some folders are spread out.
She glances down at them before focusing on me. "Is something wrong?" she asks, lifting her mug to take another sip. I try to remember how words work but I can't think of what to say. How do I bring up the agents at school yesterday? Unless… I can just say that.
"It's been bugging me and I know you'll know… I'm just," I push out a breath, forcing myself to ask it. "I don't understand why those… guys were at school the other day. I know that… they're working with my dad and the rest of the police force on all this phantom stuff but…" I trail off with a shrug, not really sure what I'm asking anymore.
Her eyebrows draw down and she drops her gaze to stare down into her coffee mug. I don't know if she's trying to figure out what to say or if she's trying to pretend I didn't ask the question. I can't let the latter win out.
"Valerie, come on. It's me, what's the harm in explaining it?" I ask, trying my best to give her an "I'm just curious" smile rather than a "please tell me how to protect Danny" grimace.
She meets my gaze again before shrugging. "Nothing. Just… standard procedure, really." Valerie sets her coffee mug on the table and gathers her hair up into a high ponytail, fastening it in place before she drops her arms with a sigh.
Her gaze flits around the room before she eventually looks back at me again. "Aren't you supposed to be at school?" she asks in what is probably supposed to be a teasing tone.
"Yeah but this is more important." I shove my hands into the depths of my pockets. Her eyebrows draw down and I push out a breath, continuing before she has a chance to argue. "Look, Val. The agent that talked to me… he was asking some really weird questions. I just want to know what's going on. A-And I know that you know."
Valerie exhales, shaking her head as she grabs her mug and crosses the kitchen to the sink. She rinses it a couple times before she shuts the water off and turns to look at me. "I'm sorry, Dash. I can't tell you anything. A lot of what goes on at work is classified."
She does know whatever the hell is going on. She just can't tell me. Or maybe she won't tell me. "It's just me, who the fuck am I gonna tell?" I ask, trying to play it off as some kind of joke but Valerie doesn't see it that way.
"Why are you so curious?" She folds her arms over her chest, fixing me with a look. "You've never cared that much about my work before but suddenly you do?"
I roll my eyes, giving her a look of my own. "These white suits just showed up in the middle of a school day and I'm not allowed to have questions? Wouldn't you care if you were me?"
Valerie shrugs, her indifference pissing me off more than it probably should.
"In case you haven't noticed, Val, I don't see the shit that you see with your work. So this is all really strange, foreign territory to me. I mean… what the fuck were they hoping they'd find at Casper High? Just expected someone to come forward and confess to helping out the phantom?"
She opens her mouth to respond but stops, a curious look in her expression as she lets her breath out in a surprised huff. "I… never said that we suspected that the phantom's working with someone."
Shit.
I swallow hard, shaking my head to try to seem casual. "No, you didn't but i-it's… so obvious that's what they were there for. I mean, come on, the agent I talked to practically spelled it out for me," I say, gesturing with my hands as I talk to get my point across. I don't want her to know that I was hauled into a government office and questioned again and I hope that she assumes the agent I'm talking about is the one that saw me at school.
Valerie's expression shifts as she flicks her gaze from my face to my hand. She takes a step toward me and a breath leaves me as she closes her fingers around my palm. She clumsily traces the ink stain still coating my hand before turning her gaze up at me again, her eyebrows rising on her forehead.
For a few seconds, we just stare at each other in total silence, neither one of us willing to speak. I have so many fucking questions involving those agents and how I can keep them from ever finding out that Danny's the accomplice they're looking for and I'm sure Valerie has just as many questions for me.
"You're the one who pulled the alarm," Valerie says softly, slowly shaking her head as she exhales. Her eyes are wide as her hold on my hand tightens. "A… lot of people are looking for you."
I let out a breath of my own, deciding honesty is better than a poorly constructed lie. "Well, they found me already. Spent a couple of hours last night being questioned by two agents. And if that wasn't bad enough, they dragged my ass back to the police station and stuck me in a holding cell for a while." If this was an ordinary situation and I got arrested for something stupid like pulling a fire alarm, I'd just give her a shit-eating grin and we'd laugh it off together. But this isn't an ordinary situation. I don't think Valerie's up for laughing this off with me.
She stares up at me for a few seconds longer before she pulls her hand from mine. Her expression is pretty neutral as she crosses her arms. "You know you interrupted my job, right? Tiffany and I ended up having to file paperwork late last night to get everything sorted out."
"I interrupted something?" I ask, matching Valerie's posture by folding my arms over my chest. "You do realize that your job interrupted the middle of a school day, yeah? Or did you just conveniently forget that school's still important for some people?"
She rolls her eyes. "Trust me. One day out of the year isn't going to screw anyone up. What those agents were doing was more important than any algebra lesson."
"Yeah? What was so important about it?" I demand, my hands balling into fists against my chest. God, I can't believe the way she's acting. Like none of this fucking matters cause those agents got what they needed and we should all just be grateful that they dragged us into the gym and questioned us.
Valerie scoffs, shaking her head as she holds my gaze. "It's not like I would tell you if it wasn't but like I said, it's classified information." She uncrosses her arms, her voice considerably softer than before. "Why'd you pull the fire alarm?"
I should remember to fucking think before I speak but I'm just so fucking pissed off at this whole thing. I'm tired of asking questions and having everyone say that they can't tell me. What the fuck makes Valerie or Danny think they can't trust me?
"Are you asking as a friend or for them?" I ask, immediately regretting the hurt look that crosses Valerie's face. Shit, I should really stop fucking things up worse than they already are. It's not like she's trying to keep this shit from me, the least I could do is not be an asshole about it.
Valerie's eyebrows draw down and her entire expression darkens. The room feels colder as she stares at me, her voice low as she speaks. "If you have nothing to hide then I'm asking as your friend."
We hold each other's gazes like there's nowhere else to look. Hell, maybe there isn't. Maybe if we stare at one another long enough, we'll suddenly understand where we're coming from. I doubt it. She's already chosen a side in this and it's pretty fucking clear that it's not mine. What the fuck even is my side? Whichever one protects Danny?
"Hey, Valerie, I'm working the late shift tonight so- Oh, hey, Dash."
We turn toward her dad at the same time and he gives both of us a smile before he steps past to get to the coffee pot. He pours himself a cup and stirs in a few spoons of sugar before glancing at me over his shoulder. "What made you decide to stop in this morning?"
Valerie shoots me a look that I choose to ignore and I force a smile onto my face when her dad turns around to look at us again.
"Just thought I'd check in. See Valerie before she went to work," I tell him, attempting to keep up my own smile when he returns it.
He sips from his coffee quietly, his gaze moving to Valerie. "That's kind of you… I don't think she takes enough time off work to see her friends. Especially lately, something's got her and her coworkers all stirred up. She mentioned something about-"
"Dad, come on. Dash doesn't care about my work," Valerie snaps.
I don't get a chance to tell him that I actually do care about her work and I'd really like my fucking questions answered, before he picks up on the awkward tension suddenly between the three of us. It's almost tangible in the silence and he quietly sets his mug on the counter.
"I've… interrupted something, haven't I?" he asks, trying to read the situation by looking between the two of us. I could save him the trouble and tell him that there's nothing to pick up on cause the shit between us is so fucking convoluted, he'd need an entire team to figure it out.
Valerie pushes away from the counter with a sigh. "Yes." She shoots me a look before throwing a last glance at her dad. "I've got to get to work though, I'll see you when I get back." She grabs a bag from the table before she gestures for me to follow after her.
I almost ignore her and stick around with her dad, maybe he'd be able to give me more answers, but I leave the apartment when she does and climb down the staircase after her. Our cars are parked a few spaces from each other but she stops between them, turning back to look at me.
We stare at each other again as I shove my hands into my pockets. She stares back at me, like the words she wants to say are trapped in the air between us but they're just not reaching me yet. Like they're stuck behind this giant wall of misunderstanding and I want more than anything to break that wall the fuck down.
"I don't know why you want to know this stuff so badly but…" She pauses for a second, seems to consider her words before that cold expression is back on her face. "I can't tell you anything. I don't know if you'd use it against us."
I think we both knew the conversation was headed that way back in the kitchen but to hear her put it so bluntly stings more than it should. And to hear us instead of them really fucking solidifies it in my mind. She'll never see my side of this.
Valerie lets out a soft breath, shaking her head as she starts for her car. I don't want to let her go without putting up some kind of fight but there's no point in trying. We both want answers that each other will never give.
I get to school about halfway through my biology class but Ms. Anderson doesn't give me too hard of a time about it. She tries to get me to stay after class but I pretend that I didn't hear her and I book it out of her classroom and merge with the crowd before she can pick me out.
Everything around me just kind of happens and I don't think I'm present for any of it. Paulina's next to me during lunch, holding my hand, but other than a few worried glances from her and Kwan, no one notices me. I guess they're used to me zoning out because none of them try to get me to talk. I feel their eyes on me occasionally but I can't explain why I'm staring out into the cafeteria, thinking about Valerie and wondering why Danny isn't here today.
The whole day passes by and I don't think I'm really paying attention until I'm in the locker room. It's the usual pre-game chatter but I don't feel like joining this time. I don't care about who's dating who or what my teammates are planning on doing after high school. I don't give a shit about which scouts are here tonight, or that there was another phantom sighting, or who got smashed at what party, or-
I don't know how it happens but it's like everything suddenly snaps into focus and I draw in a strangled breath as I stagger up from the bench. Half the people in the locker room are staring at me and everyone's gone silent but I don't let that stop me. I make it to my locker and wrench it open, my hands trembling as I take my phone out. I have to… I just need to… He's gotta-
"Dash, you alright?" Keith asks, clapping me on the shoulder as he stops next to me.
I barely look at him before I shove his hand off of me, heading for the doors to the locker room. I can't call him surrounded by my teammates. I can't ask him the question that's pounding in my brain with everyone around me. I hear a couple of my teammates call out to me, asking me where I'm going but I can't answer that.
Kwan tries to keep up with me but I don't stop. Not even when he does at the edge of the field and calls out to me, telling me that I don't have time for this. I'll make time for this. Because it's Danny and I need to know that he's okay. I don't fucking care about the game or my teammates or anyone right now. He's the only thing that matters.
It rings three times before he finally picks up and I let out a sigh of relief that it's not his machine again. This isn't the kind of thing that should be a voicemail.
"Dash-"
"I just have one question, alright? A-And you can go back to hating me or being angry at the world, or whatever it is you're doing right now. But just…. Just hear me out, Danny. Please l-listen to me," I stammer, letting out a breath as I squeeze my eyes closed. I pace back and forth in the parking lot, listening to the music start up on the field.
The cheerleaders will be coming out any minute now, keeping the crowd entertained. While the cheerleaders do their thing and the crowd enjoys the show, I'll be having a fucking breakdown in the middle of the school parking lot cause everything is finally making sense and I wish to god that it wasn't.
"What is it?" Danny asks, sighing on the question. Like he's not afraid of what I'm gonna ask, just tired. Like maybe someone's asked him this before and he's tired of giving the answer.
I don't know why I'm bothering with the question. I already know the answer, it's the only thing that makes sense. It's not like when I asked him if his parents were kicking his ass. I was just guessing then. Blinded by my shit, assuming that he was anything like me. Danny's the farthest thing from me and I know that before I even utter the question but I ask it anyway. Maybe as some kind of formality or maybe cause I want to see if he denies it. Cause I don't think anyone else has ever gotten this far before. I don't think anyone's ever been able to ask him this. He's not a fucking accomplice. He's…
"Danny… are you the phantom?"
A/N:
Just call me master of cliff-hangers ;p
Yoooo, readers! Glad to see you back for another update! (And this one's over 10k words so kudos for reading that much)
So much has happened in this chapter, I don't know even know where to start. I saw a lot of you talking last update about how Dash had a right to push Danny now – considering he pulled a fire alarm and was arrested for him – and I was actually really glad to see that, cause that was my line of thinking while I was writing this chapter
Dash finally decides to push the space nerd for answers but unfortunately, he stops too soon out of fear of driving him away. That boy needs to learn to pick his moments, I swear
Kwaaaaan! The precious gem is baaack! (I know he was in ch45, but I've missed the little shit) He'll always let Dash spend the night with him – even if he ends up staying up late, waiting on the adorable quarterback to get there
Let's talk about the coming out scene. Obviously, Dash is confused on bisexuality versus homosexuality and heterosexuality. It's understandable that someone in his position would not only be confused about what he's feeling but scared for many reasons. (Not just including his dad.) I really wanted to explore that a little more instead of him telling Kwan and everything being okay now because "my best friend knows!" It just didn't feel realistic without Dash panicking over this, y'know?
Kwan didn't really talk about Dash's sexuality or explain anything to him in this chapter mainly cause he could tell how scared the poor guy is. It's a lot to take in, especially for someone that's raised with a homophobic father or parents. I promise this isn't the end of Dash figuring this stuff out, it's not all magically fixed or better just cause he told his best friend. But when I was writing this scene, it just didn't feel like the time for Kwan to launch into any explanations about different sexualities
How about that fight with Valerie? Can you understand where she's coming from? Or do you just hate her for fighting with Dash over this? (Obviously the adorable quarterback's just trying to look out for the space nerd, cut him some slack, Val)
This precious boy FINALLY realized that no way in hell is Danny just helping the phantom. But of course, I couldn't let him have the answer until next chapter, could I? ;p
Thank you for reading chapter 47! I hope you enjoyed this angsty ride and you like where the story's going. Since this chapter isn't posted on a Tuesday and I'm about be a whole hell of a lot of busier in my life, I'm not sure when the next update will happen. It might be in 2 weeks time, might be 3. It all depends on when I can find the time to sit down and really give the next chapter a proper look over and make sure it all makes sense and flows with the previous and next chapter
I chose the title of this chapter from Door Without A Key by Real Friends. I feel like that song is pretty Dash – maybe more of past Dash than the present Dash you see in this chapter but still. I felt like it fit so I went with that one. Also, general song feelings for this chapter include: Satellite by Starset and The Only Thing That Matters by blink-182
As always, I appreciate all the love and support you guys give this fic – I know I say it every week, but it really does mean a lot to me. You're all the best and I'll see you next update
