Every Who Down in Hooville Liked Christmas a lot...
But Quill, Who orbited Hooville, Did NOT!
Peter feared Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his space-suit wasn't fitted just right.
It could be, perhaps, his jet-shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason for fear,
Was the horrible holiday specials each year.
Whatever the reason, His suit or his shoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Hoos,
Staring down from his ship with a terrified frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
"No! No I'm not coming out of my room, Gamora! Every year, every single year I've been on this ship some horrible, and weirdly Christmas themed thing happens every life day and I'm always the one that ends up getting brain-washed, injured, attacked or drugged with Rocket's damn eggnog! Now I Like Christmas, I like it as much as the next guy, but I'm not going out Gamora! I'm not leaving my room, and you can't make me."
"But Quill." Asked Gamora, Santa hat on head, "This whole Christmas thing is your idea, you introduced us to this, and yes, we've had some ups and downs…. Had some people try to ill us a few times…. But that happens every day regardless of whether or not it's Life Day or Christmas or Yule, or whatever you call it. Someone is always trying to kill us, so instead of worrying about it why don't you come out of your room, grab a mulled wine, and relax with the rest of-"
"No mulled wine!" Yelled Quill, running up the stars from his room into the main body of the ship, and smacking the glass out of her hands, to the yelped protests of Rocket who got a face full of hot wine for the trouble. "Jesus, Gammy, are you trying to get us killed. No festive stuff! That's how it starts! We have a nice little quiet Christmas dinner and a few drinks… and then one of us has to leave the ship for some convoluted but festive reason… and then blam! Killer Santa's! Ninja-reindeer, Mafia-snowmen! Some sort of weird festive bull will bite us in the ass! Nope! This year, I'm staying in my room until new-years!" he yelled, while Rocket, wearing light up reinteer antlers, cussed and whipped at his face with the hem of Gamora's Santa-skirt.
"Ah! Mother-frickin' humie! Right in the eyes! Who does that, Groot, who does that?!"
"Oh come on, do you really think that that's going to happen again?" asked Gamora.
"Yes! Because I have basic pattern-recognition Gamora! And stop making a big thing about it Rock, it wasn't that hot."
"Right in the eyes! Uggg, some of it went up my nose too! And after all the money I spent on your present!"
"You stole that, and we all know you did Rocket." Said Gamora "Although the thought was very sweet. See, Quill, even Rocket has got into the swing of it, Drax is wearing an Elf hat! So why don't you show a little Christmas cheer and join us for a-"
"Nope!" said Quill, turning and ducking into the head and slamming the door. Gamora tapped her foot, and then slammed her palm into the door, angrily, swearing in Zen Whoberi.
"Fine! Stay locked in the toilet while we have a good time, you stubborn ass! We're going top eat, drink, be Merry, and have a good time with each-others company, you idiotic human! Come on Rocket! Lets eat until we can't move and show him."
"Yeah, yeah good plan. Come on Groot: we can see how much Rum we can sneak into Drax's cooking before it all catches fire and – Hey, get off my tail!" Yelled Rocket, seconds before a strong yank pulled him into the confines of the ship's head.
[Close up on the tiny confines of the ships head: complex and terrifying Geiger-esque tangle of pipes in the background, Manic looking Quill and Angry Rocket pressed up close to each other, chest to chest, with no space to move, scene lit by only Rocket's flashing felt reinter antlers. Backgroind music playing from the other room: Jingle bell rock by Bobby Helms.]
"If you're about to proposition me for sex, I'm biting it off." Warned Rocket, un-amused. "Because that's one candy cane I ain't about to suck: find another chimney to come down, creaper."
"Look at then, Rock, just look at them!" said Quill face peering out of the tiny porthole mounted in the hull.
"What? The Drapes?"
"No, not the fucking drapes! The planet: those poor suckers, stuck there celebrating life-day. Don't they see the danger? Don't they know the risk they are in!? Do they know it's Christmas day at all, and if they do how do we stop them! They're going to get us all killed!" said Quill playing with his new green sweater, nervously.
"Calm down, Geldof. First off, you're crazy, and secondly, that planet? That planned there? Fuck em! That Hoovile: It's a planet of giant sapient owls! Owls: Godless feathery killing machines. You know how many small furry animals owls kill per year? They're terrifying! Let 'em party and celebrate life day, so long as they do it down there and we do it up here, far, far away. Come on Quill, forget it: let them keep life day their way, and you keep it yours, scrooge."
"Yeah, and then when their party somehow summons axe-wielding killer robot Santa's and we're the ones who have to deal with it? What then?"
"Honestly? That sounds rad as shit: I'd be up for that, Quill. It's been a while since we had a good fight."
"The poor fools…. We need to stop them, Rocket. I mean look, you can literally see their lights display from orbit! We need to stop them, no save them!"
"So what? We're going to swoop down and, what? Steal all their shit so they can't celebrate life day?" Asked Rocket, sarcastically. Quill turned to him, grinning manically, face lit from below by the Christmas lights on Rocket's hat.
"Seriously? Seriously?! I… well I do love stealing… Okay" He said, snapping of one of his antlers, and leaving him with just one. "Okay, I'm in."
"Great, glad to have you on board… why did you snap off one antler?"
"Oh I assumed… Grinch, we're doing the Grinch right?"
"What?" asked Quill, dressed all in green.
"I… never mind, you'll work it out as we go." Muttered Rocket, grinning evilly, paws pressed top the window, peering down at the planet. "So, were Robbing the shit out of them on Life day eve? Nice. So you'll want,. What? Some sort of jet-powered sleigh? We're hovering at an upper station within their atmosphere, so we can have an air-intake ram-jet, we'll want 50 thousand kilos of trust, minimum… 2 terawatt turbo-lasers, missiles…. Maybe a railgun or two…"
"Yeah, yeah…. Um… this is a humanitarian mission, Rock: were going in to save these people. So, you know, we don't maybe need it that heavily armed…"
"So…. Just the one railgun then?"
"Just the one. So how long would it take you to knock up a quick in-atmo air-superiority sleigh?... you already have one, don't you?"
"Now what would give you that impression?" asked Rocket.
[hard-cut to the interior of the Milano where Drax is truing to cook and Gamora truing to help, as they have to manoeuvre around Groot, dressed as a tree, while under him one giant, very conspicuously sleigh-shaped present take up half the room, only partly wrapped with a visible after-burner poking out, labelled To Rocket, mery Xmas, from Rocket in shaky child-like hand-writing. Quill and Rocket rush in, stage left.]
"We're heading out!" yelled Quill. "Important Christmas stuff!" he said, grabbing his space-suit as Rocket ripped into the paper off the sleigh and started to warm up the engine.
"Okay… glad to see you're" Gamora paused, as there was a loud clang, a cheerer of racoon-ish noise and a lot of cussing. "You're getting into the spirit of it at last. Have fun, be back in time for dinner. Are you okay?"
"Better than okay, I'm saving these people."
"Owls" corrected Rocket. "Evil, vicious, killer owls."
"We're saving these owls! We're on a mission from god!"
"Wrong reference." Said Rocket, grabbing a cardboard box, and ramming it over the helmet of his space-suit.
"What?" asked Quill.
"What?" asked Gamora.
"What?!" Asked Rocket.
"I…. never mind. Lets go!" said Quill, rushing to grab his guns, and a large, conspicuous hessian sack. "I'm saving the owl people, be back later, don't come out no matter what you hear! Love you!" said Quill, giving Gamora a quick peck on the cheek, before running out towards the air-lock. Rocker made a gagging noise, but gave Groot an affectionate pat on the head before following in his jet-sleigh, cackling evilly.
Gamora stood in the gally for a long moment, holding the cooking pot, eyes narrowed.
"They're robbing the shit out of that owl planet, aren't they?"
"I am Groot?"
"Probably." Said Drax, looking up from basting a roast beast. "Do… do you want to try and stop them?"
Gamora sighed. "No, it will just make it worse. Come on: lets just try to enjoy ourselves and hope they don't do anything too stupid." She said, and Rocket and Quill Grinched off into the night.
