Warning: Talk of abuse and of abuser
I think about a lot of shit on my way to the Starbucks that Paulina and I agreed to meet at.
I go over everything I can remember about the last time I was with Paulina, sometime after the beach, but we used a condom that night. We've always used some kind of protection. Even when we were both awkward virgins in our freshman year, I fumbled my way through using a condom. Fuck, how did we let this happen?
When I can't think about Paulina anymore cause my mind is going crazy, all I can think about is dad. How different things have been between us lately. Why things have been different between us. God, I can't remember the last time I passed out on the couch while hanging out with him. And he covered me with a blanket before he went to sleep last night and everything's been good between us and… I never want this to go away. I've really fucking missed having one parent to depend on. And I don't know if he'll stop thinking about the things that drove him to make this kind of change but I hope this lasts. I fucking hope all of it lasts.
Thinking about dad makes me think about mom… and I'm so fucking done thinking about mom. She's taken up so much of my headspace lately and there's no room left for her. Or maybe there is but… I don't want her there anymore. At least, not right now.
I ease to a stop in a space beside Paulina's Volkswagen 's leaning against the front of her car, sipping from a cup of coffee, and she barely glances my way when I stop. Her fleeting look makes my stomach clench and I push out a breath from between my clenched teeth before I turn off the ignition and pull my keys from it.
She's pregnant. She's having my baby and here we both are – having to fucking talk about it. I hate this. I'm too selfish for something like this. How the hell am I supposed to raise a kid? I barely know how to take care of me, how am I supposed to look after someone so much smaller?
My movements are slow but I know this is a conversation we have to have. As awkward and uncomfortable as it's gonna be on both of us… we have to do this. Fuck, do we have to do this?
Paulina finally looks at me when I climb out of my car and slam the door closed, shuffling forward the few steps between us. I hesitate when I come to a stop in front of her car but I finally look up at her and meet her gaze. For a few seconds, we just stare at each other and there's so many things I want to say. So many things I want to ask her but I don't. I can't find the fucking words.
"Here," she says softly, holding out a cup toward me. I drop my gaze to it and swallow past the lump growing in my throat. I don't want to do this. I don't want to sit next to my ex-girlfriend and make plans about how our future's gonna go from now on. Her parents will probably expect us to get married once high school is over. We'll probably move into a shitty apartment together and try to make this thing work for our kid. Fuck, I don't want to make this work.
I push out a breath, taking the cup from her. "Thanks," I manage to mumble, hoping it's enough for now, before I down three gulps of scalding coffee.
Paulina leans back on her hands, staring up at the clouds drifting by overhead and I lean against the front of her car beside her, everything hitting me at once. We're about to have a kid together. We're about to talk about plans and names and how we're both gonna be giving up everything to do this. I don't want to do this but I have to fucking do this.
She glances my way in the silence before her stare shifts to the tables in front of Starbucks. She exhales softly, pushing away from her car. "Come on," she says, grabbing her coffee before she starts toward the tables.
I look out toward the parking lot instead of following after her, staring at the cars pulling through the drive-through. Why am I here? I've never planned for this. I never thought I'd find myself sitting at a table in front of Starbucks, talking with my ex-girlfriend about what to do with our unborn child but I'm here. About to have that conversation. Fuck, I can't have that conversation.
"Dash."
Paulina tilts her head to one side when I turn around to look at her and for a moment, I get lost in her. I get lost in the way her hair looks the same as it has since our freshman year, and the way the curve of her lips still has the ability to stir things in me. She doesn't make my heart race anymore and I don't think I can ever want her the way I crave Danny but… I loved her once. I think I can love her again.
I follow her over to the table and sink down across from her, letting out a low breath. I don't know what to say and I stare down at my cup long enough for the silence to turn awkward. I wish I knew the words she needs to hear, or the things I need to say, but it's all jumbled up inside my head and none of it makes any sense. I don't know how to tell her that I'm gonna be here, no matter how this situation plays out. I don't know how to say that I'm scared shitless and that I don't know what we're supposed to do from here. I don't know how to let her in and tell her everything I'm thinking.
"I'm not good at this," I practically whisper. I'm not. I'm terrible with shit like this. Like talking about what to do or how I'm feeling. "I don't… know what we're supposed to do from here. I don't know what the next step is but I… wanna support you. I might be… really bad at it but I want to be here. Whatever we decide, I just… I'm here for all of it."
She gives me a sympathetic look when I manage to lift my stare higher than the table but I don't want it. I don't want her sympathy or her apologies. We did this. We're in this together, no matter what happens now.
"I mean it, I… don't know the first thing about doing this kind of stuff but I want you to know that I'm here. For all of it, okay? The doctor's appointments and the sleepless nights and…" I don't know what I'm saying anymore. She hasn't even said if she wants to keep it or not yet. "I just… want you to know that you're not alone. I'm here, okay? I'm here."
Paulina drags in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, looking away from me in the silence. There's so much more I want to say. But I don't want to force more words out before I've even heard what she's thinking. I'm shit with words but we're in this together. And I have to know what's running through her mind. I have to know if she's thinking the way that I am or if she's on a completely different thought process or-
"I'm not pregnant."
Those three words change everything from the second she says them and she drops her gaze from mine in the silence. She lets out a shaky breath this time and even though her hand shakes around her cup, she lifts it to her mouth anyway, taking a long drink before she sets it down again. Her gaze flits up to mine again and we stare back at each other for what feels like a lifetime before she finally speaks.
"I was but… I'm not anymore," she says softly, her expression pinched as she stares back at me. "Dash… I'm sorry my dad told you this. I never wanted you to know."
My throat is dry as I swallow back every question burning at the back of my tongue. Why wouldn't she have told me this? Why did I have to hear about this from her dad instead of her? If she's not pregnant… how long has it been since she was?
"A-Anymore?" I stammer, letting out a low breath. "You're not… pregnant anymore?"
Paulina shakes her head, her gaze straying out into the parking lot. "No… this wasn't even anything recent. Dash… it was in sophomore year."
Sophomore year? I don't understand. She was pregnant in sophomore year but she's not anymore. What happened then? We were still together then… why didn't I know about this? Why am I hearing about it from her dad years after?
"Why… didn't you tell me?" I ask, my own voice sounding broken and scared to my own ears. Paulina gives me a look of sympathy but I don't need it right now. I just want to know why her dad woke me this morning, going off about something that apparently happened years ago. Why didn't I know then? Why am I just finding about it now? Why am I the last goddamn person to know?
The breath I let out is shaky and I can't hold her stare for long. We would have been shit parents. I would have been a shit parent. But I would have been there. From the second that I knew, I'd have been by her side. I would've sucked at every part of it but I wouldn't have left Paulina alone.
"I just… never wanted anyone to know," she says quietly, shaking her head. "It was hard, Dash. I wasn't even sixteen yet… my mom found out pretty much as soon as I did and before I'd even thought about what I wanted to do, she… made the decision for me."
Paulina drops her gaze from mine and gently pulls her hand away. She tucks her hair behind her ear, a heavy exhale leaving her. "Sometimes…" she pauses, chancing a look up at me. There's a moment of hesitation before she just says it, her words coming out in a rush. "Sometimes I wish I would have had the baby… I know it would have been hard raising it on my own but… I don't know. Just something I think about at night, you know? Like… where I would be if I hadn't let her make the decision for me."
My breath sticks in my throat and I scratch my insides for the words I need to speak. I've always sucked at this part – the one where I have to say something in response – but I can't let my own insufficiencies be my excuse. Not about something so fucking important.
"I would have been there, y'know," I mumble, meeting her gaze as my heart crawls up into my throat. "For the baby and you… I wouldn't have… Fuck, I wouldn't have left you alone to deal with this shit. That's not… I'm not like that."
Paulina covers her mouth with her hand and shakes her head. I don't know if I'm hurting or helping her but I don't want to stop there. There's so much more shit in my head and even if I suck at phrasing things, I want to tell her everything I've been thinking about since her dad showed up at my place. I want to find the words I need to say.
"I would have sucked at it. Like, a lot. You probably woulda had to fucking… train me or something. Cause I don't know the first thing about babies or kids or anything." I jerk a hand through my hair, shaking my head with a heavy sigh. "A-And I would have been a shit dad, you know that. Like… god, I have no fucking clue how to be a dad. But I-I would have tried. That's… that's my point, Paulina. I would have been there for you. I promise. I never would have left you alone to deal with this. I don't know what I would have done then but… I would've figured it out."
She leaves her chair, crossing over to me and tugging me against her chest. She shushes me softly when I try to speak, and she ducks down to kiss the top of my head. "Dash…" Paulina sighs my name, brushing my hair back with one hand before she pulls away to look at me.
Paulina holds my face in her hands, a watery smile taking over her expression as she slowly shakes her head. "You would have made an amazing father. I don't doubt that. I don't doubt it for a second, Dash. You would have been incredible." She smiles a sad smile then, offering up only a shrug before she says it. "But I was never pregnant with your baby."
What?
I pull away from her, staring up in what I can only imagine disbelief or some kind of shock feels like. What the hell? How was it not mine? And if it wasn't… who the hell's was it? And why does her dad think it was mine?
Paulina's watery smile is back in place and she runs her fingers through my hair, exhaling softly. "I mean that. You would have been a wonderful father. And I know you would have been by my side from the moment you knew but… it wasn't yours."
I don't know what to say. I don't know what she wants me to say. It wasn't my kid. It was never my kid. Why does her dad think it was?
She steps back from me and scoots her chair closer to mine. There's a few moments more of silence while she settles down and takes in a long gulp of coffee before she meets my gaze again. I wonder if she can see the million questions I'll never have the balls to ask written all over my fucking face.
"My mom sent me away that summer. To some kind of after abortion camp or whatever." She sighs, putting her hand on top of mine, the look on her face almost pleading. "She was so embarrassed about the situation. She was worried about what other people would think if they knew that ElizaSanchez's daughter was pregnant. It was always about her."
The silence stretches over us for a few seconds before I turn my hand over to thread my fingers between hers. She squeezes my hand gently, her gaze dropping from mine to stare at the table or out into the parking lot – I don't know. I'm not watching her eyeline. I'm watching the way her chest rises and falls with every breath and the way the seconds tick at her the same way they do me. All this time. She's kept it quiet all this time.
"That's… why you couldn't go with me and the guys that summer. Why you bailed on the road trip," I mumble, watching her expression shift into something more guarded for a split-second before she relaxes and nods.
"Yeah," she says softly, looking back at me with a gentle smile. "I wanted to go with you. And I would have done it in a heartbeat if my mom hadn't basically threatened me." She rolls her eyes. "She said it was either the camp or boarding school for the rest of high school so."
I exhale out, grabbing my coffee again. I barely look at Paulina before I mumble the question, too afraid that I've already crossed a line by even mentioning it. "Is it… okay if I ask whose kid it was?"
She pulls her hand from mine and I down large gulps of coffee to avoid looking at her until the silence turns awkward. Until I can feel the prickle of unspoken words rising in the back of my throat and I force myself to look at her, apologies on the tip of my tongue. But she beats me to it.
"It was Blake's."
Blake? Paulina was pregnant with his baby? Fuck, no wonder she didn't tell me. But… god, when did it even happen? Sophomore year was crazy fucked up for me but… if Paulina found out she was gonna have Blake's kid, I have to give it to her. Her year was crazier.
I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling but I guess it's obvious on my face because Paulina won't hold my stare. She lets out a heavy sigh, smoothing her hair down as she turns her gaze back out into the parking lot. I watch her drink her coffee in silence before I finally find the courage to speak again, trying to bring some of the darkness out of this shitty conversation.
"I know I'm not exactly a hard act to follow but… why'd you go for Blake?" I ask with a hint of teasing to my tone. It's just a joke. It's a stupid joke like the million other ones I've told her. But it's different this time. It's not just about the two of us anymore. She actually went through this. And I'm making jokes about it cause I can't deal when something is fucking with someone I care about.
Paulina raises an eyebrow. "We were fooling around at a party at Star's place after I saw you in the pool with Roxane. When she was shoving her tongue down your throat."
I wince, scratching the back of my head as I dart my gaze away from hers. Shit… I think I know which party she's talking about. It was one right before spring break. Dad had really done a number on mom and then took off for a couple weeks. I was just trying to chill out at the party, get really fucking drunk, but Paulina wanted to talk. She always wanted to talk back then… fuck, I remember pushing her away and going after alcohol instead. I barely remember fucking Roxane but I know I woke up next to her instead of Paulina and that guilt is what drove me into planning that whole stupid road trip for that summer. I convinced two of the upperclassmen on my team to go with me and Paulina so we'd have someone to actually do the driving part. Fuck, I remember it all so clearly.
"S-Sorry…" I mumble, briefly meeting Paulina's gaze before I look down at my coffee again.
It's silent between us for a few awkward moments until she sighs. "It's not your fault. We both did stupid things back then. Even before that night, we both got into a lot of shit." She rolls her eyes, a smile tugging at her lips when I look back at her.
"What did Blake say?" I ask, tracing the edge of my cup with my index finger.
Paulina exhales out heavily, her gaze shifting out into the parking lot. "When he wasn't threatening to tell everyone we know?" she asks, a sad smile passing over her expression before she shrugs. "He… didn't want anything to do with the whole situation. That night was just as much a mistake for him as it was for me." She shrugs when she looks at me, her serious expression still in place. "We both ended up in camp that summer so… at least I didn't have to see much of him after it was all over."
I give her a nod, thinking about how much of a relief being distanced from him must have been before her words register in my brain. "Camp?" I question, looking up at her again. Her teeth sink into her bottom lip and her expression is a little pinched. I try to understand the look on her face but I don't. What's she saying doesn't make any sense… "What do you mean? Where'd he go?"
She hesitates too long before she pastes her smile back in place and I can tell she's trying to play this off. "I didn't mean anything by it. His parents just sent him off to his aunt's place for the summer. Figured some time away would be good for him. You know… keeping his distance from me and all that."
What isn't she saying?
I've known Paulina since we were in middle school. Dated her off and on since freshman year. I'm not one of her best friends or anything but I think I know her pretty well. Better than this. And I don't know why she's holding back. It's me.
"Paulina, what is it?"
She bites her bottom lip again and darts her gaze away from me. She tucks her hair behind her ear and takes a sip of her coffee before she hesitantly looks at me. I raise an eyebrow and she exhales, apparently taking that as some kind of a sign.
"Okay, you can't… tell anyone this, okay? I mean it, not even Kwan," she says, her expression so serious, I half-expect her to swear me to secrecy by blood.
I let out a breath myself, nodding as I run a hand through my hair. "Yeah, alright. Cross my heart and all that shit. What's up?"
Paulina looks into the parking lot again for a split second before she looks at me, her eyebrows drawing down. I don't know who the fuck she thinks might be listening in right now or what on earth she could possibly say that'd warrant this kind of secrecy but she slowly parts her lips. She runs her tongue along her bottom teeth and says it. "Blake's… gay."
What the fuck? Blake? No, that's not… There's no fucking way. Blake's the first one of my teammates to start talking about girls on the cheerleading team and he's always the one bragging about his latest adventures in the bedroom in way too much detail. Blake's… he can't be gay.
I remember that trip I went on with him to visit his uncle down in Miami. The one where he made out with the bartenderand how much he texted me afterward trying to figure it out and then… I don't know. I thought he was just high when it happened. I didn't know that it was all… real. I thought… I guess I thought he'd figured things out somewhere in the middle of sophomore year, when he was back to bragging about the girls he was with.
"He doesn't want anyone to know. He made me swear not to tell anyone as soon as I found out. He said he'd tell the school that I was pregnant if anyone found out about him," she says, letting out a breath as she shakes her head. "He didn't say this exactly but… I knew even if it wasn't my fault, he'd still tell everyone about me if anyone found out about him. So don't… breathe a word of this to anyone, I mean it."
I don't know what to think. I've always known Blake can be an asshole and the fact that he'd tell the school about the pregnancy doesn't surprise me at all but… why would Paulina tell anyone? She used to be a gossip but she never told anyone about my dad. She'd never talk about shit like that. Stuff you didn't want anyone else to know, especially stuff like-
Paulina's gaze darts up to me when I lean back in my chair, a breath leaving me. A thin web of realization is starting to connect in my mind and I can't make myself meet Paulina's stare. "Why'd he think people were gonna find out about him?"
I keep my stare past Paulina's head but I can still see the way she tenses at the question. If word got out that Paulina was pregnant with his baby, no one would suspect he's gay. But… that night was a mistake for him too. I don't know if he was with other people – other guys – before that night but… he could have easily used Paulina's pregnancy to make everyone believe he's straight. And if Paulina kept that quiet for so long and didn't want anyone to find out about her shit then… someone had to take the heat instead. Someone else had to be the distraction.
"This… happened in sophomore year, yeah?" I ask, finally looking toward Paulina. She slowly nods, chewing on her bottom lip again and I lift my gaze to the sky. "So that's why you outed Danny, huh? To save your own reputation."
She exhales heavily. "I'm sorry. I've told him already but you should know too. If I could go back – if I could handle this differently, I would," she says, chewing on her lip as she drops her gaze to the table. "You have no idea how horrible I've felt over that since the day I did it. And knowing that it forced Danny to keep quiet, I wish I never would have-"
"Keep quiet?" I ask, scoffing when she stops talking mid-sentence. "What the hell do you mean 'keep quiet'? Danny had to deal with the whole school knowing that he's gay. What did he have to keep quiet about?"
Paulina holds my stare and there's a second of silence between us. Just a second. A single, insignificant moment. Until everything clicks and the intake of breath I drag in sounds more like a gasp.
"Danny dated… Blake?"
My voice sounds scratchy to my own ears and Paulina shakes her head, tries to deny it, but I know it's true. More than I've ever known anything else in my life, it's true. God, it makes so much fucking sense. Why didn't I see it before now? Why have I never noticed it?
"Dash, he… he still doesn't want anyone to know. I wouldn't talk to him about this," Paulina says softly, almost wincing when I look up at her. "I'm sorry, okay? I wish I could have told you all of this sooner but… I was scared."
I don't know what to say. I've never known what to say and words still don't come easily to me so I don't. I don't say a goddamn word, I just push back from the table and leave my half-full coffee cup behind. All this time… Danny's been keeping quiet all this fucking time.
"Wait, hang on!" Paulina calls but I'm already headed to my car. I need to get away from this. Call Danny. Or just be alone with my thoughts. Fuck, I can't think like this. Today's been so weird from the moment I woke up but this just took a turn I fucking never expected it to.
She catches up to me, grabbing onto my arm and tugging me away from my car just a pace or two. "Dash, stop. Think for a second," she says, letting out a slow breath when I finally meet her gaze. "What would you want him to do if the situation was reversed? Would you really want him to come storming to your place demanding answers from you?"
I know she's right. And I have no fucking right to ask Danny anything about this. And as much as I want to turn back to Paulina, ask her to explain instead, I pull away from her. Cause I can't think like this and for once, I actually want to think about this. I need to figure this shit out, no matter how ugly it is. And as much as I'd kill to sit down with my ex-girlfriend and talk about anything other than this… I know that I'll only be able to think about Danny.
The drive to my house is long and I turn around a couple times, intent on just driving straight to Danny's place and talking to him about this shit. But I know I can't. Not until I can think about it for longer than a second without getting so fucking angry that I'll break something. Like a certain teammate's fucking face.
I grip my steering wheel tighter with every mile I drive and have to convince myself multiple times not to immediately go to Danny or Blake's house. I want to cradle one in my arms and the other… I want to fucking murder.
Every thought running through my mind is of Danny. How he's doing. How he's been able to hide this secret for so long. Why he still decided to be around me, knowing who I was on a team with. Why he's willingly hung around Blake during lunch and other shit just because I invited him to.
My anger rises and falls over and over again the closer I get to my house and I'm almost disappointed when I pull up in the driveway and dad's car isn't here. It's not like I could tell him any of this shit but… god I'd kill to have his advice. Or anyone's advice.
I could call Alex or fuck, even Anastasia but I don't. Not cause I can't and not cause I don't know what to say. I just… can't tell anyone anything about Danny. At least… not until I talk to him first. Not until I tell him that I know the truth and let him know that it's okay. That it doesn't fucking matter to me. It doesn't change the way I feel about him or the fact that I think he hung the fucking moon. He's still Danny to me. Scars and all.
Somehow, I convince myself not to get back in my car and drive over to Danny's place and I force myself inside instead. I pace the living room for a while, my mind running a thousand miles per second with no sign of ever slowing down. How didn't I pick up on this before? All those moments between us… all those times Danny faltered beside me… why didn't I realize what was going on?
Danny wouldn't share a hotel room with me at the championship game not cause he was worried about the school paying for it but cause I was sharing the room with Blake. The guy who fucked him up so badly, Danny tried to kill himself.
My anger surges again and I'm in my room before I even realize I climbed the stairs. I don't want to pace anymore. I don't want to think about this shit anymore. …fuck, all I want to do is think about this shit. I don't want to forget any instance where I let Danny down by not picking up on this. Cause I owe him an apology for every single moment.
I can't stop thinking about everything and the more I pace around my room, the angrier I get. So I jump in the shower instead. But focusing on the way the water runs over my head and down my spine only helps for a few minutes before I'm back on Danny. On this whole fucking mess.
Blake threw a football into Danny's face on the day of tryouts. He tackled Danny during our flag-football game. How the hell didn't I pick up on that? On the fact that he went after Danny both times? What kind of fucking idiot misses that?
Danny told me that his ex was just some guy he met on some dating app. He didn't want me to know it was Blake. Why the fuck did he lie about this? To protect Blake? Or did he lie cause he didn't want me to know? Is he thinking that I'm gonna pick my fucking teammate over him?
My hands soap up my body and hair but my mind won't stop running. I can't stop thinking about all the times I forced Danny to be around Blake. That flag football game. Trying to get him to share a room with me. The trip to the beach.
I drag in a startled breath, my hands gripping my hair as I try to steady myself. He had bruises then… Blake was still fucking him up then and I missed it. I fucking missed it. All those times, all those moments. I should have seen it. I should have fucking seen it!
Every second that I spend in the shower is another second that I'm not talking to Danny. Where I'm not holding him in my arms and making promises that everything's gonna be okay now. Cause I know the truth and I'll protect him from anything. Doesn't matter if it's government agents or my own fucking teammate or whatever else comes along.
I towel dry my hair and get some clothes from my closet, pulling on the first things my hands touch, before I find my phone. I sink down on the edge of my bed, nervously exhaling as I wait for Danny's conversation to load. When his name finally appears on my screen, I start to type out a message but I stop after the first letter.
What the fuck do I say?
Saying, "I know about Blake" over a goddamn text message doesn't sit right in my gut and no matter how hard I try to come up with anything else to bring this shit up, it all feels forced. Like I'm trying too hard to fake normalcy. I can't be fucking normal about this.
To: Danny
Hey, are you busy today?
It's way too fucking casual and to me, it's obvious as fuck that I'm fishing for a "no" so I can come by and hold in my arms. God, I want to hold him in my fucking arms.
I have so many questions about all of this shit. And I should have stuck around with Paulina, at least gotten some of them answered instead of asking Danny everything but… god, does she even know anything more than I do? Is she as much in the dark as I am or has she known about this for so fucking long, she's figured it all out at this point?
My phone vibrates twice in a row and I exhale out heavily, raking a hand through my hair to try and calm myself down. I focus on my breathing for about thirty seconds before I look over his responses, my heart in my goddamn throat.
From: Danny
Hey :)
I'm just hanging around the house. Why? You wanna do something?
I don't know if it'd be better to talk to him about this shit out in public or at his place. On the one hand, if we're out, at least his parents won't overhear us and maybe that'll help… but if we're at his place, he can fall the fuck apart and know that I'm right there if he wants me to be.
It's selfish. It's really fucking selfish of me to phrase my response the way that I do but I can't send anything else. I want to help him and even though he might not have ever wanted me to know, I do now. And I want to help him deal with this in any way he needs or wants me to. And I'll do everything I can to fucking protect him.
To: Danny
You think I could come by and hang out with you? Maybe bring my homework?
I know how selfish I'm being before I've even hit send and I try to talk myself out of this, convince myself to back off and let him tell me when he's ready but… I can't. I've always wanted to help him and I have the chance. He didn't tell me anything though… I figured it out on my own. Fuck… what do I do?
Danny's response comes through before I can make a decision and I let that be the deciding factor. Cause despite everything he's told me up until this point, despite how I pushed him for answers before, he's still here. Cause I think through all of this, I've become just as important to him as he has to me. And I hope after all of this, I'm still important to him. I hope that I don't ruin everything again.
From: Danny
Sure! Sounds like fun :)
I'm a nervous fucking wreck on the way to Danny's house. I turn around several times, too afraid that I'm pushing this, but I get back on the road and continue toward him every time. Cause as terrified as I am to have this conversation… he's probably been worrying about this forever. Since we met, I wonder if he's thought about how this conversation would go. I wonder if talking to me has made it worse for him – if Blake's gone after him cause we became friends.
Fuck. What if that's why he had those bruises at the beach? Cause he was fucking talking to me.
My breath comes out in a hiss as I roll my car to a stop at the traffic light on the last turn before his house. I clench the steering wheel between my hands, managing to keep my gaze on the road despite how much I want to just turn around and drive to Blake's house. Make him fucking unrecognizable.
It only takes a few minutes until I'm crawling to a stop at the edge of Danny's driveway and I kill the engine almost immediately. I don't open the door and I don't move to take my seat-belt off. I just stare up at the front of his house, thinking over every moment I've hung around him. All those times I should have asked. Those chances I had to protect him from Blake. If only I'd known.
The Fenton's have decorated since the last time I was here. Someone's draped dark green lights across the bushes lining the front walk and the roof is adorned with white lights cascading down like icicles. I wonder if Danny helped decorate. I wonder how long he faked a smile and pretended he wasn't in pain.
It hasn't snowed yet but I can feel it in the air. The promise of a white Christmas is just around the corner and when the weather finally decides to give it to us… this house, with its holiday lights, will stand out in stark contrast to all of the white, despite the darkness it hides within its walls.
My phone vibrates softly against the passenger seat and I tear my gaze from the front of his house to the device, the barest hint of a smile touching my face when I read the message he's sent me.
From: Danny
You gonna come in or you gonna stare at my place all night? ;p
I pocket my phone without responding and leave the warmth of my car, my backpack slung onto one shoulder. A shiver runs through me when I zip my jacket closed and slam my door shut behind me but I continue plodding up toward his front door. My breath hangs in the air when I exhale and I shuffle my feet on the porch, waiting while he opens the door before I've even knocked.
He's got a big smile on his face when he opens the front door and the first thing I notice is the glasses on his face. He unconsciously pushes them up higher on his nose and drops his gaze from mine, a flush staining his cheeks.
"H-Hey," Danny breathes, a smile on his face when he looks up at me again. He steps back to give me enough room to come inside and I easily take it. He tilts his head to one side, almost in a question, and my natural response is to return the smile.
He closes the door behind me, glancing over his shoulder. I shrug my backpack off and take him in when he crosses in front of me again. His hair is damp, like maybe he just got out of the shower, and his face is flushed. He's wearing a dark blue t-shirt with constellations dotted all along it and a pair of gray sweatpants – which thankfully aren't the ones my mom gave him.
"Hey," I respond, my heart constricting when he bites his bottom lip again. For a second, we just dopily stare at each other, both of us thinking a thousand things, before he remembers what we're supposed to be doing.
Danny scratches the back of his head, taking a step backward. "Ahh… you uh, brought your books, huh?" he asks, his gaze landing on my backpack before his face flushes and he nods. "R-Right, of course. Um… we can study in my room. If that's cool with you?"
I nod and take a step forward which he matches with one backward. He stumbles over nothing but stops himself from falling, his flush completely renewed when he glances up at me again. I have to bite back a smirk at the embarrassment crawling across his face. God, he looks so fucking cute like this.
"What's with the glasses?" I ask, cursing myself internally for the question. It makes the flush darker on his face but it makes me smile and I bite the inside of my lip to hold it in some.
He scoffs, pushing his hand against my arm like he wants to shove me away but there's no strength behind the movement. "Apparently my vision's gotten worse. I ordered contacts but they haven't come in yet so I'm stuck with these dorky things until they do," he says, rolling his eyes before he pushes the glasses up again. "I'm still getting used to them but I guess they're not horrible."
"I think they look cute on you," I blurt out, shrewdly aware of the flush I can feel rising to the surface of my skin. I swallow hard when he looks up at me but I don't take it back. I can't take it back now – and I don't want to either. He looks cute in them. Is that such a bad thing to point out?
He drops his gaze from mine but he nods with a hesitant smile. "Well… thank you," he says softly, shrugging before he looks up at me again. "Okay, so… homework?"
I give him a nod and the two of us start in the general direction of the stairs. We don't get more than a few paces toward it before his mom calls out to us. "Nice to see you again, Dash," she says, leaning against the doorframe that leads into the dining room when I turn to look at her. Her stare slowly drifts toward Danny and he seems to steel himself under her gaze.
Danny's face loses the flush it had as he looks toward his mom. They hold each other's gaze for a split second before he sighs and spares a glance at me. The expression that crosses his face is apologetic and he flicks his gaze back to his mom.
"We're just… gonna go upstairs and study," he mumbles, dropping his gaze when his mom nods.
She looks toward me again and I can't force myself to smile. I can't make any kind of expression when she looks my way cause I'm thinking about Danny again. Coming home with bruises that he easily explained away to his parents and they bought it. They bought it. He was terrified and they never saw. They never picked up that their kid was getting the shit beaten out of him.
Mrs. Fenton pushes away from the door with a small nod, her gaze quickly shifting toward Danny again. "Alright. Have fun," she says, breezing past the two of us without another word. I watch her go until Danny nudges my arm with his, nodding toward the stairs when I look at him.
He shuffles forward a few paces and I follow after him, only glancing over my shoulder once. His mom disappears into the kitchen and I come to a stop when I see the back-door just past the living room.
Danny turns back to me when I stop, raising his eyebrows in a silent question. I nod toward the living room and he frowns, his gaze shifting toward it. "Do you want to study in the living room instead? Cause we can if you want to…"
"No, it's…" I drop my bag at the bottom of the stairs and let out a breath. Everything is clawing at me and I barely meet his gaze as I rub the back of my neck, nerves flaring up inside of me like they're a part of my soul and always will be. "Can we… talk for a second? Outside?"
His eyebrows draw down but he nods. "Sure, come on." He leads me over to the back door and unlocks it, leaving it open behind him after he's stepped out. He bounces down the few stairs leading down to the backyard and shivers when his bare feet touch the grass.
I pull the door shut behind me and start down the stairs. I try to join him where he stands but he moves forward a few paces, stopping just before he reaches the pavement surrounding the pool. He stares down into the water like he's considering jumping in but he doesn't.
He glances back at me with a grin. "When my sister was here for Thanksgiving, we dared each other to jump in the water. It was freezing and my dad yelled at us," he laughs, pushing his hair back with one hand. "Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if this thing freezes over before winter's up."
Another shiver rocks through him and he folds his arms over his chest. "God, I hope we see snow on my birthday. That'd be the ultimate gift," he says, looking to me with a smile. "You think you can convince the weather gods to give that to me?"
I'm trying desperately to come up with something to say in response but I'm empty. All I can think about is Blake. Doing the shit he did to Danny and getting away with it. He's an asshole and Danny never deserved it but I missed it. I never picked up on the uncomfortable awkwardness between him and Blake and that's on me. I fucked up. Danny doesn't deserve any of this.
He looks away when I don't say anything and he lets out a heavy breath, coming over to where I'm standing. When another shiver runs through him, I unzip my jacket and put it around his shoulders before he can stop me.
Danny looks at me at the touch and tries to refuse the jacket but I'm insistent and he gives in. He practically snuggles down into my jacket and this moment is something I have no right to cling to. I have no right to feel the butterflies in my stomach because he's wearing my jacket and because he makes it look good. I'm about to tell him that I know who his ex is and I have no damn right to be thinking of him this way. But I can't fucking help it.
"Guessing you want to talk about something you don't want my parents to overhear?" he asks, his voice soft with the question. He looks away almost as soon as he meets my gaze and he nods like he understands. Like he gets why I want to talk to him.
I can't do this Danny. I can't bring up this painful shit cause it's not mine to talk about. It's yours and even though you told me part of it, you never invited me into your world. I don't know if you like that I've made myself at home with you or if you regret ever letting me in. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Danny.
"Actually… i-it's something… I don't think you want them to overhear," I say, almost calling this entire goddamn thing off when he tenses up. But just as easily as he froze, he seems to unstick himself from whatever fear is scratching so desperately at his bones.
He glances toward me, a curious expression on his face as he tilts his head to one side. The action makes him look younger somehow. The way he looked in the photos his sister showed me. When the world hadn't yet beaten him down to this point. Innocence. I think that's what I'm seeing in his expression. And it fucking hurts.
I let out a breath and nervously pick at the side of my thumbnail. I don't want to bring this shit up. I don't want to force him to talk about all of it. He's only mentioned his ex-boyfriend to me twice and both times, I managed to stop myself from asking too many questions but this time… This time, I have to. Not just cause I need to know now but I have to ask cause he'll never tell me if I don't. And I think he needs to tell me just as much as I need to hear it.
"Danny… I…"
Words are born and die on the tip of my tongue before they ever make it into the open air. He looks at me, like whatever words I choose to speak will be his gospel. Like whatever I have to tell him is more important than anything he's ever heard before.
"Is this about the fire? Or Valerie?" he asks softly, his eyebrows drawing down as he angles himself toward me again. There's a certain hesitance about him now. A trepidation in his movements that wasn't there before. I wonder if he's picturing those government agents storming his place and taking him away in the dead of night or if that's something only my panicked mind thinks of when the sun disappears behind the clouds.
He draws in a breath, letting it out slowly. "Speaking of…" he trails off before glancing up at me in the silence. "Tucker called me last night. He finished going over all the data that was stored on the tracker your mom pulled out of me."
Great. Just what we need. More shit like this to deal with.
"Yeah?" I ask softly, watching my breath hang in the air. I don't know if I have the strength for this. It's not fair to him. It's not fucking fair to him to bring it all up now. He's put it in the past. He's put all of this in the fucking past, why can't I leave it there? What does it matter if I know now – I didn't then. When it really mattered.
Danny nods, pushing his glasses up again, completely distracting me from everything in that moment. "There's some good news but… some really bad news too," he says softly, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip and nearly killing me. "Tucker said that... the tracker was probably damaged when it was pulled out of me. He said it stopped tracing my movements and recording really soon after it started. He said less than a day which is… great, considering we might have still been in Dryden when it stopped working s-so… odds are, the agents might be looking for me there instead of here."
I swallow hard, running a hand down my face in the silence. I try to readjust myself with reality, I try to remember that there are things beyond the two of us. That's the more to all of this than just the things he's been through and the way I feel for him.
"What's the bad news?"
He drops his gaze from mine immediately, sinking his teeth into his lip. He groans softly, stumbling forward a pace. He puts his hand on my chest and I've got my hands on his upper arms before I even think about it. I don't have to. Not with him.
"I'm sorry," he breathes, looking up at me and the fear looks misplaced in this moment. He's not supposed to be apologizing for being afraid. This is dark shit, it'd surprise me if he wasn't scared. But I don't get a chance to tell him any of that.
He drags in a breath before he's talking again, rambling so fast I can barely keep up. "I'm so sorry… Tucker played through the full recording – hours of stuff and… there's really only one moment you can hear clearly. Just a stupid, stupid moment and I-I'm sorry."
"What is it?" I ask softly, holding him gently in my arms as he stumbles his way through this.
Danny meets my gaze again and lets out a shaky breath. "It's your name, Dash. You can… clearly hear me say your name and I… if they've got that – if they somehow heard that remotely then you'll be on their radar. They'll be watching you and I… I'm so sorry. I never meant to let you get tangled up in this with me."
I want to be tangled up in everything with him. If he needs me, I'm there. It doesn't matter if it's this or the shit with Blake or anything else. It doesn't matter. I'm here. I'll always be here.
"It's okay," I say, insisting it when he tries to shake his head. "No, it is. We'll figure this out, okay? We've gotten this far together, we can get through this too, okay?" I assure him, some kind of strength creeping up from somewhere deep inside myself. It's only been a few days since I fucked up with the fire and with telling Valerie the truth before I ever even asked Danny.
But he looks up at me again, the smallest hint of a smile in his expression as he nods, and I know that I haven't ruined everything. Cause he knows I mean it. It doesn't matter what anyone or anything throws at us now. We've got this. We've more than got this. I'm not gonna leave him to deal with anything alone.
"So… what were you going to say?" he asks and for a moment, I've forgotten. I don't know how I could ever forget all this shit with Blake but for a single moment, I forgot the darkness Danny knows. I forgot that he spent months being afraid and taking Blake's abuse all in silence. How could I have forgotten? I'm so sorry, Danny. I should have known all along.
I shake my head, words still unwilling to cross over my fragile lips. I should talk to him about this phantom stuff instead. I shouldn't drag him back to the past. He doesn't belong there. He's got so much ahead of him, he doesn't deserve to have me dragging this shit up after he's already dealt with it. If he wanted me to know, he would have told me by now. Leave him alone. It's none of your fucking business.
"What is it?" Danny asks, his voice soft with the question. Like he's afraid I'll fall apart if he pushes too hard. You've got it all wrong, Danny. You're the one that's gonna break.
A stuttered breath leaves me and I watch it hang in the air. December is only days away and I wonder if Danny's looking forward to his birthday. I wonder if it just serves as a reminder to him. I wonder what he did for Danny in the past. Did they celebrate together? Has he always spent the day with his family? Is the day just another cruel reminder of everything that he ever did to him? Was Danny always-
"I know about Blake."
It's too blunt. Too harsh in the soft grass of the backyard. Those four words change everything from the moment I utter them. He tenses up, seems to lose his breath for a second before his wide eyes meet my gaze. He won't hold my stare for longer than a few seconds and I can't find another word to say in the silence. My paper heart is doing what it does best – lacerating my tongue and keeping me from speaking for fear of saying the wrong thing. It's a little late for that fear.
Danny drags in a breath, stumbling back a pace from me as he twists his hands around his hair. He drags in a gasping breath and something rocks through him that looks like a shiver but I think it's so much more than being cold. I ache to reach out to him. To cradle him in my arms and show him that everything's gonna be okay. Cause I didn't know before but I know now. I know now. And I'll walk through hell before I ever let anyone put their hands on him again.
I thought he'd try to deny it. I thought he'd feign ignorance. I thought he'd utter every swear he knows and tell me to get the hell away from him. I thought he'd say that I have no idea what I'm talking about or that it's not true. I never thought he'd fucking burst into tears.
Danny stumbles away from me, legitimate sobs wracking him that only get louder the more he tries to quiet them. He covers his mouth with his hand, the tears convulsing his shoulders up and down like some sick repetition, punctuated only by the sound of his sobbing.
I follow after him, stumbling in the grass that's still somehow hanging on despite the chill in the air these past few weeks, and go to him. I expect Danny to run when I put my hand on his back. Or to push me away. I expect him to hate me for bringing up his pain, but he doesn't. Cause Danny never acts the way I think he will and if I ever stop guessing what he's gonna do, I'll stop being surprised when he does the exact opposite of whatever my mind has come up with. Like throwing his arms around me and dragging me into a hug.
He buries his face against my chest immediately, his arms encircling my back, and I easily fit his body against mine. His sobs are finally muffled by my chest and his hands claw at my t-shirt, trying to drag me closer to him. I can't stop tears springing to life in my own eyes and I drop my chin onto his head, trying to stay strong for the both of us.
"I-It's okay," I whisper, running my hands along his back in what I hope is a soothing gesture. Cause Danny needs to be comforted right now. Not just with pretty words. Physical things – touching, holding. Things that make him feel safe.
I hold him tighter when his sobs reach a point where they're shaking even me, and I don't think I realize I've started talking until the words are pouring out of me like a waterfall.
"I'm so sorry. I should have known. I should have realized before. But you'll never… never have to worry about it again. I'm gonna protect you, I promise. You'll never have to… I-I'm gonna be there. N-No matter what, Danny. Cause I care about you so much and I want you to be okay again and to feel safe cause you're so important. So important. Danny, I-I lov-"
My words are choked off only by a small shred of my own self-restraint. This isn't the time to want to press my lips along his hairline and tell him how much I've fallen for him. Cause he's hurting and I'm his friend. Right now, Danny needs his friend. Not somebody that wants to take the place of the guy that drove him to this point. Where he's breaking apart in my arms.
Danny clings to me, like he's afraid I'll disappear if he ever lets go, and I hold him back just as tightly for the same fear coursing through my veins. This secret has been eating him alive since we started talking this year and he must've thought about telling me a million times before this moment. I wonder if he ever would have if I hadn't figured it out.
"I'm sorry," I whisper again, wanting nothing more than to plant kisses along his hairline and promise him that I will always protect him. But this isn't the time. As much as I want to keep his fears at bay and smother him in my kisses, I can only do one. Cause he doesn't need to be distracted by that yet. I'm not giving up on one day holding in my arms and telling him how beautiful he is but this isn't that day. I'd rather set myself on fire than let him go but it's not letting go if he was never even mine.
Eventually, Danny calms down and then I'm just holding him, absent-mindedly picking at the loose threads on the back of my jacket that I put on him earlier. Every now and then, he'll tense up again and I'll rub his back until he exhales out, shaking the tension with the action.
I don't know how long we stand outside but the cold has made me almost completely numb by the time Danny pulls away from me. He meets my gaze with a soft exhale and my heart twinges at how pitiful he looks. How his face is stained red and how swollen his eyes have become.
He holds my gaze for longer than I expected him to and in the end, I'm the one that looks away. Cause my heart's gonna break if I keep looking at the sadness still pulling at his expression. I want to hold him in my arms forever, as long as it keeps that weight off his chest.
"I'm… sorry that I didn't tell you before," he whispers, his bottom lip trembling when I look back at him. Sorry? That he never told me this before? He doesn't owe me the truth. He's never owed me a goddamn thing but he's sorry.
Danny fidgets when I don't respond, exhaling out a breath that hangs between us. "There was just… never a good time," he whispers, his eyes falling closed like the simple admission is enough to exhaust him.
"Don't apologize," I whisper back, brushing my knuckles against his cheek. His eyes flutter open at the contact and he lets out a breath, holding my gaze in complete silence. Neither of us say a word and I fucking ache to kiss him. To finally let this be the moment where I tell him how much he means to me. But I know better than that. I know that isn't what he needs right now. He needs a friend. Someone that's gonna be here for him and not expect anything in return. He needs someone less selfish than me cause all I can think about is kissing him.
He closes the space between us a little, his hands resting against my chest and I mentally blame my shiver on the cold. His mouth parts momentarily before he bites down on his lip again, looking like there's a thousand things he wants to say in this moment. And I want to ask him what it is. I want to ask him what he wants to tell me. But I can't. Cause I'm a selfish person and the only thing I can think about is pressing my lips to his.
Danny lets out a soft whimper as I lean closer to him but his eyes fall closed and he leans in. He leans in. Does he want this just as much as I do? Or is this a way to numb the pain that Blake has caused him for so long? Fuck, my bruised heart will take what it can get.
My eyes fall closed and I shiver at the feeling of his breath against my lips, inviting me in. We're doing this. He's gonna kiss me. I've wondered for so long how his lips would feel against mine – what he'll taste like, and where we'd be when this moment finally happened. I'm gonna know now. I'm finally gonna know. I want this. I fucking want this. I-
"Hey, what are you boys doing out here?"
Danny practically rips himself from my arms, his eyes flying open just after mine do. I can only imagine that the color on his face isn't even half as dark as mine cause my face is on fucking fire as we both turn to look behind us.
His dad is standing on the steps, looking between us. His eyebrows draw downward as he takes in the disheveled state Danny's in. He looks toward me after a few seconds of silence, maybe wondering if I know why he looks the way he does, but whatever look he sees on my face must be enough to answer that question.
He pulls the door closed and moves down a stair, leaning against the railing before he looks at Danny again. He spares another glance at me before his focus shifts entirely to his son. "Is something going on?"
Danny shakes his head, dropping his gaze to the grass as he scratches the back of his head. If it's possible, his face turns several shades redder under his dad's gaze. I can't hold Jack's stare for longer than a few seconds when he looks my way again.
"Is this something I need to handle?" Jack asks, his voice soft with the question.
I glance toward Danny, who's shaking his head again. "N-No, it's fine," Danny mumbles, sparing a glance my way before he manages to meet his dad's stare. "Um… W-We'll be inside in just a second, okay? We're… gonna study."
Jack raises an eyebrow but gives us a nod and climbs the stairs again before disappearing back inside the house. I watch the closed door for a few seconds before I manage to meet Danny's stare.
His face immediately flushes darker than before and I hate that we've been interrupted again. That time… it felt like Danny wanted it too. I don't know if he's trying to chase away the feeling of kissing Blake by kissing me but… fuck, I'd make myself a distraction for him if he wants me to be.
"S-So…" Danny mumbles, coughing once in the silence.
I can't meet his gaze for longer than a few seconds before I feel my own face heating up again and the silence turns awkward as I kick at the grass between us. I don't want to be the one to get a conversation going again but I can't leave it to him. He's the one that's hurting, not me.
"You uh… s-still wanna help me with my algebra? Or… do you want me to take off?" I ask, managing to meet his gaze toward the end of my question.
He gives me a soft smile, shaking his head. "No, it's okay. Besides, I'm sure you could use the help." The joke is clear in his tone but the grin he's got on his face looks forced to me. Maybe I'm looking too hard… god, I really hope he's as okay as he's bullshitting.
I follow him back into the house and toward the stairs. Jack is in the kitchen with his wife but he glances at us when we pass by the entrance. His frown is easily back in place but I don't look at him for long, focusing my attention on Danny instead. How his every step seems to put more confidence in him than he had before. The gentle sway of his hips and the softness in his gaze when he glances over his shoulder at me.
He offers a smile as I stop to grab my backpack. I somehow manage to give him a wobbly smile back before I'm following him up the stairs. We pass by two doors before Danny stops, twisting the handle twice before he opens the door.
"Been awhile since you've been in here," he says, closing the door as soon as we're both inside.
I glance toward him but I don't know what to say, other than giving him a small nod. He only looks my way for a second or two before he's moving around in his room, gathering up some notebooks and his own algebra textbook from his desk.
He holds a highlighter between his teeth as he crosses his room again, sinking down onto the floor in front of his bed. He swipes the highlighter out of his mouth and glances up at me, still awkwardly standing by his door.
Danny smiles, patting the carpet next to him. I try to seem casual with the way I stroll over to him but I'm sure my eagerness shows on my face as I sink down next to him. We both lean our backs against his bed and he spreads his notebook in the space of floor in front of us.
I busy myself with digging my textbook out, taking way too fucking long to search for a pencil, before I eventually turn back to Danny. My heart's in my throat but I manage to meet his gaze, offering up a sheepish smile.
He holds my stare for a split second before he drops his to my textbook. "This still tripping you up?" he asks, pursing his lips as he reads over the problem. I can only meekly nod, my tongue too caught up tying itself into a knot to speak, and he nods back. "Right, yeah. You're close every time but you keep confusing the two methods of solving this."
Danny shifts a little, turning toward me before he looks up. God, the smile he wears could fool anyone. For a second, I understand how he kept everything with Blake under the radar for so long. Why would his parents suspect a thing with a look like that on Danny's face? No wonder I never knew anything about Blake fucking him up. How could I have ever guessed that this boy made of sunshine and starlight has been holding himself above black holes and dying galaxies for so fucking long?
We spend hours studying – and by we, I mean he explains the formulas to me again and again cause I'm too lost in the tone of his voice to hear his words. He gives me a little smirk whenever I completely blank and I wonder if it has to do with the flush my face always gives in response or if it's because of what almost happened in the backyard. Did he want to kiss me too?
After we've worked through the majority of my homework, we start talking – about anything and everything. I find a way to ask about the uncle he mentioned to me on Skype without making a big deal of it and he tells me a little about him. How he and his sister used to spend a couple weeks with him every summer and one day, it all just stopped. He gets a really serious look on his face as he drifts off into silence but I refuse to let him think about the bad things right now.
So, I get him talking – and more importantly, laughing. I tell him all kinds of shit – how Kwan and I were almost arrested in our freshman year for letting ourselves be dared into sneaking into the school after hours, how I spent more time in the mud on my face during my first little league game – and I can't stop grinning cause Danny keeps laughing.
He talks too. Sometimes he's just keeping up the light-hearted conversation and sometimes, he delves a little deeper than the surface. He tells me about his parents. How he hears them fighting late at night and how something in his gut tells him they're fighting over him. It's useless to try and convince him that he's wrong so I simply hold his hand in mine as he stumbles over his words.
Danny talks about his sister, about his friends, about missing everyone and hating the days he can't leave the house. He blinks back tears as he talks about this past week and my stomach drops when I realize that he stayed home because of Blake. Cause he fucked Danny up so bad, this starlight boy can't function somedays.
I hold his hand gently, and nod to everything he says – not pushing for answers even though it's the only thing I want to do. Cause this is his moment and no amount of my anger can help him. It doesn't matter how I feel about this, all that matters is how he does.
Jack pokes his head into Danny's room during a lighter topic and I thank whatever god is listening that Danny's face is dry of the few tears he tried to hold back when talked about these past few days. His dad gives us both a smile and asks if I'm sticking around for dinner. One look at Danny has me responding with a firm, "yes" and we're both told to wash up before we come downstairs.
Danny looks toward me when his dad leaves, a gentle smile creasing the serious expression he wore only minutes ago. "You don't have to stick around if you don't want to. It's okay i-if you have other things to do," he mumbles softly, ducking his head as he absent-mindedly scratches his cheek with the side of his index finger.
My chest constricts at the sight of the faint blush staining his cheeks and I pray to something that he feels for me the way I do for him. Next time, Danny… I promise. I'll kiss you.
"And pass up a dinner of your mom glaring at me from across the table?" I give him a wink as I get to my feet and extend a hand down toward him. He looks up at me, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip and I think a piece of my heart chips off and lands at his feet.
He takes my hand and gets to his feet, a gentle smile on his face. "That's true. You wouldn't want to miss that, huh?" There's a joke to his tone and he's grinning so I return the expression, rolling my eyes in an exaggerated way so he knows I'm kidding.
"One day, I'll convince her that I'm not leading you down the path of destruction or whatever she believes," I joke, grinning with the words. "What's that about anyway? She hear about when I stole that bus with the guys? Thinks I'm out to drag you down with me?"
I glance over my shoulder, still grinning at Danny, but his smile has slipped. His expression has shifted back into a serious one and the sight makes my heart ache. I turn toward him again and take a step closer, almost in question, and he meets my gaze, blowing out a breath.
"It's… because of Blake," he says softly, shrugging one shoulder in the silence. "You're on the football team, Dash. She's just… worried about me hanging around you. She thinks Blake might try something," he mumbles, unable to hold my gaze for longer than a few seconds.
No wonder she fucking hates me. I'm a constant reminder of what her son went through. I'm on the goddamn football team with the guy who fucked Danny up so badly, he's still dealing with all of this shit. I'm the one that goes out for pizza and drinks with the guy who left bruises on her son.
"But… h-he's a-already done stuff… s-since we met…" I trail off, losing my breath when he looks up at me. His eyebrows draw down immediately and I know it was the wrong thing to say. I never should have said anything about this shit. He brought it up but that doesn't give me the right to talk about it.
"I'm sorry," I blurt out, nervously twisting my fingers around each other. "I didn't mean to… th-that's not what I meant. I didn't… I don't think that you… c-cause-"
Danny cuts me off with a look and I lose all the words I could ever say in my life in a single moment. He exhales out, shaking his head as he looks away from me. "Don't apologize, Dash. I know you're worried about me too." He shrugs as he looks back at me. "I can handle him now. My parents know that if anything happens… i-if it gets bad, I'll come to them. They know he threw that football at me at the beginning of the semester. And they kept me home for a couple days when they noticed the bruises on my face a while ago. R-Right before I introduced you to my sister?" he asks, like I need some kind of reminder. I know exactly when his face was fucked up and when bruises were painted across his chest and the days he's more anxious than others and the way his breath trembles between words and how his gentle tone is a mirror to his soul and that he never deserved a single second of this shit and-
"S-So… they know? That he's… been…" I trail off, not entirely sure what I'm asking but Danny seems to understand the question.
He nods, exhaling out again as he scratches at the underside of his chin. "Yeah, they know. And for the most part, they're staying out of it. My mom kinda got involved when she saw how banged up my face was." He pulls a frustrated expression, dropping his hand to his side and fidgeting nervously for a moment. "She called the school and I think he was almost suspended or something. She tried to get him kicked off the football team but I think your coach might've just… suspended him for a game or something…?" he trails off, a clear question in his tone and I realize I'm supposed to fill in the gaps. Except I'm too busy filling in the gaps of everything he's saying.
Blake almost got benched for a game. But in the end, Coach had to let him play cause his dad practically paid for the team this year. If his parents didn't kiss the school's ass so much, Coach probably would have kicked Blake off a long time ago. Especially if he knows anything about this.
"No, he… still got to play," I mumble, watching Danny drop his gaze with a nod. I know which game he's talking about. God, I thought he almost got benched cause of his fucking temper or cause he gets high more than anyone I know. Not cause of this.
We both look up when we hear Jack call our names and Danny meets my gaze, blowing out a breath as a smile quirks his lips upward. The gesture is so innocent and I don't know how someone so full of pain has the strength to fucking smile. I take his hand in mine and I promise to myself that this is over. All of the times Danny's had to face Blake are over. He's not getting anywhere close enough to touch the boy my heart is set on.
Dinner with the Fentons is similar to the way it went when I was here for Thanksgiving – with one change. I avoid all talk about football unless they bring it up. And Jack asks about it a couple times. I only talk briefly about the season and the college opportunities I have now because of it, before I move the conversation to something else.
I think Danny picks up on my careful wording and he shoots me a look a couple times. Twice, I catch his mom looking between the two of us and I wonder if she's realized that I know now. That I'm suddenly aware of all the pain Danny's been in since sophomore year. I wonder what she'd say if she figured out that I know now.
I keep the smile on my face at the conversation Jack is carrying on – talking about work and reminiscing on when he was in his senior year of high school – but I drop my hand beneath the table, resting it on Danny's knee when he starts to shake next to me. He starts a little at the contact but he subtly scoots closer to me. I trace circles and squares against the fabric of his sweatpants, making sure he can feel my every movement. His hand on me has kept me in the moment before and not spiraling into whatever hell my mind decided to come up with, I can only hope that the action is doing the same for him.
The conversation is easy between the four of us and I love the way it seems to lift the weight of the world from Danny's shoulders. He smiles more often and for longer than I've ever seen him before and his laugh is fucking beautiful when his dad makes one corny joke after another.
Eventually, the evening sets in and though Jack makes a few jokes about me spending the night, I start gathering up my stuff to leave. My backpack and jacket are still in Danny's room and he trails up the stairs after me as I get them both.
Even though it's cold as balls outside, he insists on walking me out to my car. And I insist that he pull on the jacket hanging by the door. He rolls his tongue as he grabs it but he shrugs it on as I open the door and start out of his house.
"This is my mom's," he says, sticking his tongue out when I glance over my shoulder at him.
It hangs off his shoulders and his hands have disappeared inside the length of the sleeves and I have to bite the inside of my cheek really fucking hard to keep from grinning. I think he can tell I'm fighting back a smile cause his face turns red and he pushes me toward the stairs.
"Thanks. Glad to know I look good in this," he says, following me down the stairs and into the grass. His gaze flits up to the sky, pushing his glasses up with one hand, as we walk to my car and I don't even try to drag him out of his mind. I wonder if he's thinking about star-gazing tonight. Just laying back and watching the sky for a couple hours. It must really put him at ease, not having to be around anyone and just being alone with the sky. And he did say it's the second best thing in the world.
Danny picks up on the way I've fallen quiet and I think he can tell it isn't just out of respect for his sky-watching. He raises an eyebrow when I open the backdoor of my car and shove my backpack inside. I slam the door closed and turn back to him with a small smile.
"Sorry… I'm just thinking about what I've got planned for your birthday," I say with a grin that reddens his cheeks again. In truth, it's not a fully fleshed idea yet. But I know it'll involve some time stargazing because I love the way he looks when he's staring up at the sky.
He scoffs, toeing the ground with a pair of flip-flops I badgered him into wearing. "You don't have to do anything for me. You know that, right?" he asks, looking up and rolling his eyes at the grin that's still on my face. "You're impossible."
"You're the one that made a big fucking deal out of my birthday. I'm allowed to do the same for yours," I say, laughing at the way he shakes his head more out of exasperation than anything else.
Danny darts his gaze up to the sky again before he looks down at me with a sigh. "I guess there's no talking you out of it then. But…" His teeth sink into his bottom lip before he pushes out the rest of his sentence. "Whatever you're planning, make it for this weekend, okay? I'm spending the actual day with just my family."
I'm not exactly disappointed that I don't get to celebrate with him on the day – it'll leave more time to spend with him. If his parents aren't waiting around to celebrate with him then I can keep him out as late as he'll let me.
"Okay. Saturday, then," I respond, flashing him a smile that he easily returns.
He takes a step closer to me and that tension I felt in the backyard returns, instantly flooding my gut with the kind of anxiety that only comes at the thought of kissing him. Danny's eyes are practically glowing behind his glasses as he looks up at me and I find it hard to hold his gaze.
"Actually, make it Sunday. I'm throwing a party Friday night and… I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel like death come Saturday," he says, his smile widening when I raise my eyebrows. He nods, taking a step back from me as he pushes a hand through his hair with a short laugh. "Yeah, I was hanging out with Paulina and some of the girls the other day and she kinda talked me into it. Though… I think she could tell how much I actually wanted to."
"A party?" I ask, the only words I can manage to say in the silence between us.
Danny nods eagerly. "Yeah, I wanted to do something for my birthday and my parents are leaving Friday morning – something to do with work – so… I figured, why not?" He smiles again, practically bouncing on his heels as he talks. "Paulina's gonna invite some of the cheerleaders, I've got a couple of people coming… I figured I could get you to invite your teammates and we could all just kinda… hang out for a while and forget everything. Kinda like we did at the beach."
Shit, I was right then. That trip helped him more than I realized. He did need that time away but it wasn't just being away from his parents that he needed. He should have… been able to escape everything, not just Amity Park.
I exhale out a breath, dropping my gaze to his feet. "You uh… you want me to invite everyone?" I ask, chancing a look up at him again.
There's a moment of confusion on his face before I see the recognition click in his eyes. He breathes out slowly, looking away from me. I watch his expression shift multiple times as he thinks it over – he spirals from worry to a brief flash of anger to sadness before he finally settles on what I guess is his attempt at a neutral expression. There's still far too much sadness in the look to ever fool me but I don't say anything about it.
Danny looks back at me with a shrug and I wonder how long he's spent perfecting the act of not caring. I know he cares. He doesn't want Blake there. And I don't fucking blame him, I never want to see that shitstain for the rest of my life. I won't be able to stop from tearing him the fuck apart the moment I see him.
"Yeah, invite everyone," Danny says, completely throwing me for a fucking loop.
He manages to tug a smile from the depths of his fucking broken soul and he shakes his head. "It's okay. I know… why you're worried. But I promise, I've got this. And it's not like…" He exhales out, looking away from me with a shrug. "I'm not the same person I was then. I can handle being around him, okay? This year has shown me that."
"But he's an asshole," I blurt out.
Danny sighs, and I recognize the way he almost retreats in on himself. It's the same way it started in the school's parking lot after the beach trip. The way he acted when I called him on the phone and asked him about being the phantom. I'm starting to push him again and he's starting to pull away.
"I'm sorry… I just… don't understand how you can… force yourself to be around him. He's… h-he fucked you up a-and I just… don't get it," I mumble, dropping my gaze from his face when he looks at me again. I can only offer up a shrug, the rest of my thoughts about this shit too tied up in the way I've fallen for him.
"You stay with your dad."
Danny stares back at me when I snap my head up to meet his gaze. For a second, all we can do is stare at each other and I try desperately to come up with some explanation to prove it's different. Cause dad is… he's my dad. He gets pissed off sometimes and takes it out on me but that's not… his fault, it's mine. I should know better than to make him angry, I- it's my fault.
"That's different," I breathe, watching Danny's eyebrows draw down.
"No, it isn't," he argues, folding his arms over his chest. He scoffs, shaking his head as he holds my gaze. I wish there was something I could say to get him to see it. To get him to understand that he doesn't have to put up with the shit Blake did to him but I… what am I supposed to do with my shit? It's my dad. It's not like it's as fucking simple as not hanging around him – I live with him.
Danny exhales out and it seems like all of his anger leaves him in that one movement. "Fine… maybe it is different but… whatever. That's not my point." He uncrosses his arms, adjusting his glasses again, and links his hands behind his head, returning his gaze up to the sky.
There's silence between us and I look where he is, wondering if he sees something in the stars that I don't. If he gets something out of the sky above us that I would never be able to understand on my own. Danny… help me understand. Tell me why you're doing this.
"After all this shit went down, Blake's parents sent him to a conversion camp, Dash," Danny says, not taking his eyes off the sky even when I look at him. The skin around his eyes is tightening as he talks and I barely breathe, too afraid to interrupt him. "His parents thought they could convince him to just… not be gay anymore."
So that's the camp Paulina was talking about. Shit, Blake's parents actually thought that they could… fuck, that's… god, I didn't even think that there was more shit to this… fuck. How am I supposed to feel about this now?
Danny drops his stare from the clouds and meets my gaze with a rough exhale. "I'm not saying that I should just forgive him and forget all of this shit because his parents are assholes but… god, his parents are assholes, Dash. And I know he doesn't deserve my kindness and I know I'm supposed to just hate him and never talk to him again but he was probably terrified that summer. And it's not like he knows anyone that knows he's gay, he's had to keep this whole thing to himself."
Fuck, I don't want to feel sorry for Blake. I just want to hate him. He's an abusive asshole that never deserved to even look at Danny, let alone be with him and trade kisses with him. And I don't know how Danny can be kind enough to feel sympathy for the monster that drove him to almost kill himself. I don't have that kind of strength, Danny. I'm sorry. I hate him.
"I know you think that I shouldn't even consider him for a second but he needs parties and alcohol and pretending to be straight. He'll need that until the day he moves away from his parents. Or until he can accept himself the way he is. Am I such a horrible person for letting him have a night like that?" Danny asks and I hate that he makes fucking perfect sense. I'm the kind of person that would tell Blake to handle his own shit but Danny's not like that. Danny's kind. He wants to help. Even if the person he's trying to help is a complete fucking asshole, Danny still wants to help. Cause he's a better person than I'll ever be and I'll never be able to talk him out of this.
I exhale out, stepping back from him as I roughly push my hand through my hair. This is Danny's party, not mine. If he wants me to invite everyone on the team, then that's what I need to do. Even if I would rather cut my tongue out than extend the invitation to Blake.
"Why do you have to make sense?" I mumble, running a hand down my face.
Danny's expression lightens and he smiles, just a little. "So, you'll invite your teammates then?" he asks, his smile widening at my small nod. "Thank you." He steps forward and pulls me into his arms and I don't think I deserve the hug. Cause even if he can let this shit go that easily, I can't. Cause Danny's made up of bruises and stars and he's held together by his own strength and his fucking overflowing kindness. Danny might share marks similar to my own but his soul is nowhere close to a lost cause like mine. How could I have ever thought I deserved to intertwine my tarnished soul with his starlit one?
I drive around for a long time after I leave Danny's place. I can't stop my mind from running and I know I won't be able to sleep. So I drive late into the night and the only reason I stop is when dad calls to ask where I'm at. I guess he's still thinking about Paulina's dad showing up this morning cause he tells me that he'll wait up until I'm home.
My neighborhood is completely dark as I coast my car to a stop in the driveway. I watch the porchlight turn on and take my time zipping my jacket up and grabbing my backpack before I turn off the ignition.
Dad opens the door when I get out of my car and I shuffle my way up the sidewalk, wishing that the damn snow would just fall already. It's cold enough to warrant it but the clouds just won't give in. And it leaves the whole of Amity Park in this weird state of "it might snow any day now." I hate it. I hate all of this.
"You alright, son?" dad asks when I'm closer to the front door. I hesitate a second before I give him a nod and pass him by to get inside the house. I don't want to talk or think anymore. Especially cause seeing dad just renews everything Danny said to me. God, the look on his face when he brought up my dad… fuck it hurt.
I ditch my backpack on the floor in front of the couch and though I want nothing more than to just collapse into bed and sleep for the next ten hours, I find myself making my way into the kitchen. It's late as fuck and I should just go before I start talking but my stomach is bitching for food. I've barely eaten anything other than what I managed to get down during dinner with the Fenton's and I guess that wasn't enough.
Dad follows me into the kitchen where I shed my jacket and glance through the fridge before I give up on finding something to just shove down my throat. I'm hungry. I'm making myself some actual fucking food. I move further into the kitchen, looking through the cabinets to find the frying pan, setting it out onto the stove before I glance up at dad with a small breath. "I'm just… gonna make an omelet," I say, opening up the fridge again to get out the carton of eggs.
He nods, crossing over to where I'm standing. "Let me," he insists, taking the carton from me and setting it on the counter next to the stove. Dad puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes firmly, giving me a little shake. "Go take a shower, it'll be ready when you're done."
I don't want to leave him to do this for me cause I've always known to never count on him. And ever since mom left, I learned that I have to be the one to look out for me cause no one else will. But he's offering and I'm tired and I can't fucking think anymore.
"Thanks," I mumble, easily slinking out of the kitchen and up the stairs. I don't want to make a habit of depending on dad for fucking anything anymore but he's here and I'm too exhausted to force myself to do anything. And for once… it's nice to have a parent again.
I take a long time in the shower. I scrub away every second of today, trying to forget the way Danny's chest felt against mine while he was shaking and sobbing over everything Blake did to him. I try not to think about how alone Paulina must have been while she was dealing with her pregnancy. The way Blake threatened to tell everyone about her. The fact that despite all of the shit he's pulled… Danny still finds the strength to be kind to Blake.
My mind won't let me rest even when I beat my forehead and pound my fists against the wall of the tub, begging myself to just fucking stop. It's in the past. Everything Blake did is in the past. There's no reason I should be letting it consume like this. If Danny can let it go, I should too.
But I can't let it go. It weighs on my mind as I towel off and as dress myself in pajamas I barely remember getting out of my dresser. It won't leave me alone as I leave the bathroom and start down the stairs, the smell of dad's cooking rising in the air.
I stumble my way downstairs, wishing I was still out driving. I don't want to think about anything that happened today but I can't stop myself. I shouldn't be around dad while I'm trying my fucking hardest to keep everything in cause something's bound to slip out but… he's cooking for me. And I'm so tired of having to keep everyone at arm's length.
Dad's whistling when I walk into the kitchen and he barely glances at me before he's focused on the omelet again. I listen to the sizzle it makes when he flips it as I cross the room to a cabinet, setting out a glass on the counter. Dad stops whistling when I cross the room again to get the milk from the fridge and fill up the glass.
I put the milk back and practically collapse into a chair once I reach the table. Dad glances at me with a concerned look but I ignore him, sinking down further in the chair and looking over the text messages I ignored today.
From: Paulina
Please don't talk to Blake about what I told you
I have no plans to talk to my teammate for the rest of my fucking life if I can avoid it, so her text is the easiest to respond to. I send 'I won't' back before I open Kwan's conversation, reading over his messages with a lump quickly growing in my throat.
From: Kwan
DASH I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE EMBARRASSED IN MY LIFE
So, my mom dragged me along to her book club, right? There's a mom here with HER gay son
THEY'RE TRYING TO HOOK US UP?
i wanna die this is humiliating
he is really cute though
but I can't let my MOM pick my dates out for me OMFG!
I can't help the smile that tugs at my mouth at my best friend's obnoxious texts. But the smile is fleeting cause I can't turn my mind off. Kwan's mom is really supportive of his sexuality but his dad fucking hates him for it. All I can think about is Blake. Going through fucking conversion therapy cause his parents want him to be straight. Fuck, what if that's how Kwan's shit had played out? What if instead of family counseling or whatever shit Kwan was stuck in, he was forced into that? I don't even fucking know what Kwan would have done. Fuck, I don't want to feel sorry for Blake.
Dad turns the burner off and I look up from my phone, watching him as he transfers the omelet to a plate. He keeps his gaze away from me but I can tell he's worried. And his concern makes me want to burst into fucking tears the way I did when I was a kid and he'd patch me up after I skinned my knee. I want him to hug me tightly and shush me softly the way he did then. I want to cry into his chest and not bottle everything up like I always do. But telling dad that the boy I've fallen in love with is so broken and telling dad that I've skinned my knee are two different things. And while he'd hold me for one of them, he'd fucking kill me for the other.
"Thanks," I mumble, taking the plate when he crosses the room and holds it out toward me. He gives a nod of recognition and says he'll grab me a fork. I turn the volume off on my phone so it won't make a sound and turn it face down next to my plate.
I take the fork from dad and barely glance up to meet his gaze before I cut into the omelet. I don't want to talk about anything, despite the fact that he's settling down in a chair across from me. I don't want him to ask me what's wrong and I don't want to have to lie. And I don't want to fucking think anymore.
"It'll be okay, son. I'm going to help you figure this out," dad says, giving me a firm nod when I look up at him. "Does she know what she wants to do yet?"
It takes me a few seconds of staring back at him, fork raised to my mouth, to understand what the hell he's talking about. He's still on Paulina while my mind is stuck on Danny. The way he was practically breaking apart in my arms because of Blake.
I drag a hand through my hair, roughly exhaling as I set my fork down on the edge of the plate. "No, she's not…" I blow out a breath, meeting dad's gaze again as I shake my head. "Paulina's not pregnant."
Dad frowns, leaning forward to rest his elbow on the tap and prop his chin in his hand. "She isn't?" he asks, tilting his head to one side in question. The gesture is so innocent. And it reminds me of when things were different. When mom was here. When I was just a kid and dad hadn't fucked us up to this point.
"No, sh-she… was," I mumble, not sure if I should be telling him this. Paulina asked me not to say anything to Blake and she's tried so hard to keep this a secret from everyone, I feel weird telling dad anything but I can't stop myself. I have to tell somebody something or I'll break apart into a million fucking pieces. "A couple years back, she was pregnant but… she's not anymore."
He gives me a curious look, maybe trying to figure out what I'm saying. He finally nods, exhaling out heavily. "I see… Hugh must've just found out then?" he asks, as if I know anything about that. I shrug, dropping my gaze back to the omelet as I cut off another bite. "Why didn't she talk to you about this when she was pregnant?" he asks, his frown back in place.
I swallow down the lump of omelet and shrug. "Cause it wasn't mine."
Dad watches me as I chew slowly and he waits until I swallow again before he raises his eyebrow in question, apparently waiting for me to elaborate. I don't want to talk about Paulina. Or anyone. I'm tired of thinking about all of this shit.
"It was some other guy's. Her dad just probably thought it was mine since we were together for so long," I mumble, sliding my fork across the omelet to cut off another piece. Dad continues to watch my movements and I wonder if he thinks I'm lying. If Paulina's really pregnant and I'm just not willing to deal with it. Fuck, if she was pregnant, I think dad would be the first person I'd talk to. Despite the shit between us, I don't know how the fuck to raise a kid. And regardless of the way my childhood went to shit after a while, dad was… he was still there. He still raised me.
I push my plate away even though there's still half of the omelet left and I drain the remainder of the milk in the glass. Dad watches me as I slide away from the table and I let out a breath before I meet his gaze. "It's been a long day. I'm just gonna… get some sleep," I mumble.
Dad gets up from the table when I carry my plate into the kitchen and scrape the leftover omelet into the trash can. He leans against the doorframe as I rinse it off before stacking it in the dishwasher. There aren't enough dishes to start a wash so I slide the door closed again and glance toward dad.
"Night," I mumble, crossing the room toward him. He catches my upper arm gently in his grip but it still makes my breath catch. Still makes me think of all the times he wasn't gentle on me. I meet his gaze despite the shake in my breath and he frowns.
Dad pulls me closer to him and it takes me a few seconds before I realize he's trying to hug me. As soon as my posture relaxes, his arms fit around my back and I exhale out shakily. He runs his hands up and down my back in a soothing gesture and I try to sink into it. The last time he hugged me, I couldn't breathe cause I'd started a fucking fire that hurt him. I'm not panicking this time but the tightness in my chest doesn't feel right either.
I barely remember what a hug is supposed to feel like coming from him. But I think his hands on my back and my chin on his shoulder feels good. I think this feels like what it used to.
A/N:
Yo! To all of you wonderful people that have stuck it this far into the story, thanks for giving this your time and hey – now you finally know why Danny was bruised at the beach!
I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to get this chapter up. I've been editing for nearly a month now and every change I made felt wrong. I felt like I needed to completely rewrite the chapter and other times I felt like it was ready to go up as is. It took me a long time to get comfortable with this chapter again – sometimes it's hard to trust that you're going in the right direction. But I just have to keep reminding myself that these storylines have been planned from the get-go
So, yes, like I said, you finally know why Danny was bruised at the beach. I'd love to know what you think of this storyline. Does it make sense to you? Did you see it coming? How do you feel about the whole thing? Any and all thoughts would be greatly appreciated, I've had to keep this part of the story a secret for so long that I'm eager to hear what you all think of it now that it's out there
As for Paulina's part, what do you think of what she did to save her reputation? Are her previous apologies enough for you? Does it make sense why she did what she did? Or do you hate her for what she's done to Danny?
And speaking of Danny – what do you think of him inviting Blake to his party anyway? How do you feel about Blake now, knowing what his parents did to him when they found out? Does it change your perspective on what he's done to Danny? Or do you still think he was horrible for what he did?
Not to repeat myself but again, any and all thoughts I would love. I'm excited to finally have this chapter up and out of just my head. It's been sitting here, patiently waiting, for so long. And there's still so much more to this story – so much left to discover – but this was one of the biggest chapters in my mind. It's the chapter when you all finally find out that Blake did this to him. I know he's an OC and I know some of you were hoping I'd go for a canon character but Blake was planned from the start. I hope that's okay with you. I hope you still enjoy this fic for what it is and is still to be
The title of this chapter was a tough one to choose. I went through so many options, trying to find the perfect way to sum up the events of this chapter. Eventually, Whole Damn Year by Mary J. Blige came up as an option and I knew it was right. So if you haven't checked it out, I highly recommend you do. It's so Danny about this whole situation with Blake. It's so, so Danny
Anyway though, I think I've rambled enough and I'll let the chapter speak for itself. Again, thank you so much for sticking with this story and reading this update. I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, leave me a comment or let me know on tumblr – I really love hearing from you
See you next update! (hopefully it won't take another month but we'll see)
