Warning: aggressive behavior


Monday morning is weird. My phone must have died overnight because my alarm never went off to wake me up. So dad actually came into my room to wake me and then I was scrambling to get out the door. He wished me a good day at school and I thought about it the whole drive.

I sit in my car, wishing I had coffee, and letting my phone charge from my cigarette lighter. No one's really in the lot anymore and I think the chill in the air has finally driven most people inside. Danny's still in the parking lot with a couple of my friends and when I finally get out of my car, he's all I can focus on.

He catches me watching him multiple times. In the parking lot before the first bell rings, in the hallway between classes, in the cafeteria as I wait in line for lunch… I can't stop looking his way. It's like some kind of an unconscious need to see him. Make sure he's okay. And I know he picks up on the way my gaze strays toward Blake immediately after checking on him.

"Don't make this a big deal," Danny had made me promise in the parking lot when he first caught me staring. I promised him I'd try. And I am. I'm trying really hard not to knock Blake's teeth in every time I see him.

I make my way over to the lunch table, balancing a tray for me and a Coke for Danny – mainly for the smile he gives me when I offer it up to him. He thanks me and I slide onto the bench beside him, brushing his hand on purpose as I pass him the can.

Danny's face flushes and he gives me a look like he knows what I'm doing. I can't help if it looks like I'm marking some kind of line around him. Like I'm letting everyone know I'm here to protect him. I'm not exactly trying to make it look that way but hey, if that's what other people at this table think, it's not exactly a bad thing.

I give Danny a shrug and bite into an apple – about the only thing on my tray that looks edible today. It doesn't stop Jeff from stealing more food off my tray and I don't even glare at him this time. I'm barely paying him any attention cause Danny's got my focus. Danny always has my focus.

"I'm throwing a party this Friday," Danny says, licking yogurt off the back of a spoon. He smiles a little when Jeff pauses stuffing his face and Star glances up from her phone to look at him. He nods once, his smile widening. "You guys should all come."

"Whaf's fhe occafion?" Jeff asks around a mouthful of food.

"Like you need an excuse to get drunk," Dale jibes, nudging Jeff in the ribcage with his elbow.

Danny rolls his eyes, a smile playing at his lips. "My birthday's next week. And my parents are going out of town over the weekend so… I figured why not. Plus, Paulina basically bullied me into it," he says, finally grinning as he turns to look her way.

Paulina matches his grin easily, rolling her eyes as she leans over to steal the Coke I gave him. "Oh bullshit. You barely needed any convincing," she says, gulping down his soda.

He easily swipes the can back from her, laughing as she playfully narrows her eyes at him. Watching the two of them around each other like this is fucking surreal. This is the same Paulina that was making fun of him and hating him two months ago. When the fuck did all of this change between them? Have I been so focused on Danny that I've missed it?

"Anyway." Danny sticks his tongue out at Paulina before he looks at the rest of the table, a smile easily taking place of the teasing expression. "Any of you interested in partying with me? It's gonna be pretty lowkey – nothing like what you guys are probably used to but y'know. Figured a party would be cool."

Jeff slams his fist on the table as he gulps down the last of whatever food of mine he stole. "Count me in, Fenton! Any excuse to get shitfaced before finals is a good excuse in my mind!"

Star rolls her eyes but she's grinning too. Everyone at the table is. Even fucking Blake looks excited about this. God, he has no fucking right to be excited for anything. Not since he put his fucking hands on Danny.

"You step in dog shit or something, Dash? What's wrong with your face?" Jeff asks, flicking a ketchup packet across the table at me.

I easily dodge the flying condiment and Jeff pouts, looking like he wanted it to hit me. I flip him my middle finger before I shrug, my focus drifting back down to my apple. Danny's tensed a little beside me and when I subtly glance his way, he shoots me a glare.

"Chill out," he mouths when no one's looking at us. I wish I could Danny.

The most I can do is offer another shrug and he rolls his eyes. Paulina glances between the two of us and I guess she's thinking about the way I left her on Saturday as soon as I figured out about Danny. I probably should have stuck around long enough to hear what the fuck happened after Paulina told Blake that she was pregnant but… I could only think of Danny.

I wonder if Paulina's talked to Danny about this before. She told me that she regrets what she did. I wonder if she apologized to Danny. I wonder how she said it. If she meant it. She got dealt a bad hand with Blake but she outed Danny to cover it up. And treated him like shit for years. I don't understand how Danny can sit here and joke with her and play around like this shit didn't fuck him up.

Danny looks up when I push away from the table and his eyebrows draw down as I stand, grabbing my backpack from the floor. Blake looks up from his phone just as Jeff turns to me. I focus on the latter, knowing I'd kick Blake's teeth in if I even glance his way for a second.

"I'm gonna head to the library to study. Heard a rumor that there's a pop quiz in algebra today," I say, forcing a smirk at the panicked look that crosses Jeff's face. I glance around at the rest of the table, keeping that forced smile in place. "I'll see you guys later."

A couple of my teammates call after me, complaining that I have a free period to study and that it's completely unfair. I don't bother flipping them the bird or making some kind of joke at their expense. I just continue out of the cafeteria and finally start breathing right halfway down the hall.

I don't know where the fuck Danny's dragged his kindness and patience up from but if his soul is like an ocean, mine's a puddle. I don't have the same strength he does. I couldn't force myself to be around either one of them if I were in his shoes. He's so much kinder than anyone deserves.

"Hey, wait a second!"

Danny's running down the hall, his smile almost mesmerizing as he jogs toward me. I stop in front of a row of lockers and watch him, trying to understand this. I don't know how he does it but he looks like the conversation at the table didn't bother him at all.

"You need your amazing math tutor to help you out?" he asks, a grin on his face.

I hate being an asshole. I hate not being able to joke around and let things go. But Danny tried to fucking kill himself cause of the shit Blake did. And now he's inviting him to a party and joking around with the girl that outed him? I don't get it. I don't get any of this.

"How can you do this?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

Danny's shoulders drop the same way his expression does and he lets out a long sigh. "Dash… it's done, okay? Everything that happened is in the past now. And I'm not really interested in looking back anymore cause y'know… I'm not headed that way."

The corners of his mouth quirk upward, like his stupid inspirational phrase is supposed to make this better. Like it's supposed to help him nurse his wounds or dry his tears. Like it's supposed to act as the glue that his cracked soul needs.

"They hurt you," I say, taking a step toward him when his eyebrows draw down. I take his elbow in my hand and pull him closer to me, hearing the hitch in his breath as he meets my gaze. "Danny they… really fucked you up. How can you stand to be around them?"

He pulls away from me, a pained noise leaving him. "What does it matter? It's over now."

"He fucked with you again at the beginning of the year. Right before the beach? How is that over, Danny?" I ask, shaking my head when he groans. "You shouldn't have to put up with him or anyone treating you like that. And yet… you're playing nice with him?"

Danny meets my gaze. "You don't get it."

No, I don't. I don't get a single fucking thing about this. I don't understand how he can just ignore the way Paulina treated him and joke around with her. It doesn't make any fucking sense how he can stand to be in the same room as Blake after what he did. I don't get any fucking part of this.

I don't let Danny put distance between us when he tries to. I drop my backpack to the ground and hold him by the upper arms. A flush instantly blooms across his face and the breath he lets out is rattling.

"Make me get it, Danny. Tell me whatever you're thinking – whatever you use to justify this. Make me see it your way. Cause I'm trying really fucking hard not to knock his teeth out of his fucking head," I hiss, hating the way Danny flinches at my tone.

Danny exhales quietly, shaking his head as he stares into my eyes. God, his eyes are so fucking beautiful. A perfect blue stares back at me – like summer skies and swimming pools. Like stars on a clear night. Like the color I've fallen so fucking hard for.

"Why can't you just leave this alone? I-It's not like you're my… boyfriend or anything. What does it matter to you how I'm dealing with this?" he asks, his voice so soft and so innocent, I almost kiss him right there. I almost crash my lips against his and drag him into a needy kiss. I almost show him that I want to be his boyfriend. But that would only make this whole fucked-up situation even worse.

I let him go and pull back, even though the only thing I ache to do is kiss his collarbones and tell him he's beautiful. I pull away cause I don't want to confuse him. I don't want to make this any harder on him.

"I know… that you're angry for me," Danny whispers, taking his hand in mine when I try to put more distance between us. He stares down at our intertwined fingers, letting out a sigh. "I get it, okay? I know that you hate him for what he's done to me."

He slides his fingers from between mine, squeezing my palm before he threads our fingers together again and looks up at me. "Believe me, I get it. But… my parents are angry for me. My sister is angry for me. My friends are angry, everyone in my life is angry for me. I don't need anyone else's anger, okay?" He pulls his hand from mine to push his hair away from his face. "You… have no idea how long it's taken me to quiet my own rage and learn to let these things go but please. Don't be angry for me."

I don't know how to be anything else. I don't know how I'm supposed to look at Blake and not want to kick his ass. Blake's parents are shitheads for… whatever the fuck it is that they did to him, but that doesn't excuse Blake. He still put his hands on Danny.

"What do you want me to be instead?" I ask, my voice soft but controlled. Barely holding it together. I don't know if I can do whatever he asks of me but… it's Danny. I'll always try for him.

Danny pushes out a breath, meeting my gaze as his bottom lip trembles – almost completely breaking me. His eyes flutter closed and it takes every ounce of the strength left ringing in my bones not to kiss him. Not to make him forget everything but the way my lips feel against his.

"I want you… to support me. H-However I decide to handle this, I want to know that you're on my side," he whispers, letting go of my hand as he takes a step closer to me. I can't stop myself from resting my forehead against his but he seems to relax at the touch. He slides his hands onto my shoulders, curling his fingers around the fabric of my jacket.

I don't know if I can do that. It's killing me to watch him play nice. Not just with Blake either – with Paulina too. She fucked him up by outing him like that just to save her own skin. He doesn't owe either of them a damn thing but he's giving them his kindness. Cause that's who he is. Danny's kind and I want him to be selfish. For once, I want him to be just like me.

"You shouldn't… have to deal with him anymore," I grumble out, my eyes falling closed as he exhales. He knows as well as I do that this is bullshit. That he shouldn't put up with any of it.

Danny groans softly as he pulls away from me, and I open my eyes to meet his stare. He slowly shakes his head, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip. "I don't want to hate him anymore, Dash. This shit that happened… god, it was so fucked up. But… I'm tired of hating him. I'm tired of wasting my time on him."

"Then why are being nice to him? Why'd you invite him to your party?" I push, watching the look in his eyes as he almost retreats back inside of himself. But he doesn't get the chance to. Something sparks alive in his eyes and the breath is knocked from me as he pushes me back against the row of lockers.

Danny's eyes are flickering between blue and green and I'm fucking frozen staring at them. His hand on my chest tightens around my shirt as he exhales out.

"Because I can," he hisses, his breath hot against my skin as he leans closer to me. I wonder what he can see in my eyes. How much of my concern is here in this moment? Can he tell it comes from somewhere deep inside of me - the place that's fallen in love with him?

He holds my gaze as his grip on my shirt tightens again. "This is how I want to deal with him for now. That might change in a few weeks. Hell – it might change tomorrow. But for now, this is what I want to do. And you can either support me or you can stand back and watch me. Either way, I'm through withbeing angry at him. He's wasted enough of my time. I've spent so much damn time being angry and afraid and I'm just done."

Fuck, I want to kiss him.

I drop my stare down to his lips and I think the shuddered exhale that leaves him is cause of it. I think he wants this. Fuck, I want this. Please, universe, let me have this. Just loan me the strength to pull him against me and kiss him. I want to kiss him, please let me kiss him, I want to-

Danny doesn't pull away when I lean closer to him and my nose brushes against his. Another shaky breath leaves him and I'm trying to quiet my heart when it happens. Between the pounding of my heart and how close Danny is to me, I barely hear the overhead speaker until it's calling my name. Of course it's calling my fucking name.

"Dash Baxter, please report to the front office. Dash Baxter, to the front office."

Thanks, universe.


The old me would have jumped away from Danny and immediately put distance between us the way that he does as soon as the speaker goes off, but I don't move an inch. I keep my back pressed against the lockers and watch the nervous flush appearing on his face, trying not to let my heart break off into a thousand tiny fragments of what it used to be. He doesn't like me.

All those times that I thought he was looking at me, when he was flirting with me at the club Kwan dragged me to, the chaste kisses he's pressed against my skin… It's not me. It's him. This is how he's started to heal. I'm not the guy he's gonna fall for. I'm his friend. The guy he knows is gonna be gentle with him. I'm his safety net.

I push out a breath, unsticking myself from the lockers. I barely glance Danny's way before I start down the hall. I don't know if I'd rather have him chase after me and insist on tagging along or just have the space between us for now.

This wouldn't hurt so damn badly if I hadn't fallen for him this hard. He's starlight while I'm barely more than a firefly. I'll burn out long before he will.

In a way… I guess it's better like this. I'll never know what it's like to kiss him or call him mine but… at least I'll never have to know what I'm missing.


Coach is standing in the front office, leaning on a desk and talking to some woman, when I step inside. I catch the tail end of a joke that Coach is telling her and she laughs politely before he catches sight of me.

He pushes away from the desk, clapping me on the shoulder with one hand. "Come on, son." He leads me to a door behind the woman's desk and down a long hallway. He comes to a stop in front of an open office and he puts one hand on my back, gently pushing me inside.

He turns the light on before he closes the door and when I turn to face him, he has a child-like grin on his face. It dampens just a little when I don't crack even a hint of one in return.

"You alright?" he asks, his hand on my shoulder again, concern oozing into his expression.

After finally realizing that despite how hard my bruised heart has fought for it, I'll never have Danny… I don't think I'll ever really be okay again. I want him so bad, it rings in my bones and in the way my chest constricts every time I'm near him. I want to be with him so much, it hurts.

"What's up, Coach?" I ignore his question, hoping that whatever he's called me here for is a hell of a lot easier to swallow than the knowledge that I'll never have the chance to kiss that starlight boy.

Coach gives me a look, like he can tell that something's fucking with me, but he doesn't push it. That grin is easily back in place as he puts both hands on my shoulders, shaking me a little.

"Dash, a few more colleges are interested in you. Right now, you're tied with my most sought-after player of the season," he says with a laugh, watching the surprise register on my face. "I know. You have more choices than you know what to do with. But this is a good thing, Baxter. All these schools see your talent and they want it. And I couldn't be prouder that they're calling for you."

I swallow, my throat dry as fuck, and drop my stare from Coach. I'm one of the most sought-after players this season. How the hell are that many schools interested in me? What the fuck is so special about me?

"Hey, relax, kid. You don't have to make a decision anytime soon, alright? You have plenty of time before the admission window closes. And even then, some of these colleges have been known to slip athletes past the deadline." Coach squeezes my shoulders again, in what I guess is supposed to be a reassuring gesture. "I've scheduled you to see two colleges over winter break, okay? And thanks to my charming personality, they're both paying for your airfare and hotel stay. So, you won't have to worry about a single thing, other than food."

Fuck. This is a good thing. This is a fucking great thing. Schools are actually interested in what I can do. They like what they've seen from me. I never thought I'd ever get a chance like this but it's basically dropped into my lap and I have no fucking clue what to do with it.

"I've made tentative plans with a handful of other colleges that want to see you over a couple weekends in February and March." He shakes me again, that grin still on his face when I manage to look up at him again. "It's finally go time, kid. If anyone's got it in them to impress these coaches, it's you. I know you'll do amazing. I know you'll make me proud."

There's a lump that's quickly growing in my throat and I swallow past it, chancing a look up at Coach again as I nod. I don't know what to say. Both happiness and fear have lodged themselves in my throat and I'm not sure which taste is on my tongue.

"Which um… wh-which schools am I seeing first?" I ask, hesitantly shrugging his hands off my shoulders. He easily puts space between us, seems to recognize that I need it, but it doesn't dampen the grin on his face.

"First up is Amridge University, they've booked a plane ride for you in the first week of January. After that, you'll visit Northview somewhere around the middle of the month. They haven't gotten back to me with any flight plans so I'm not sure when you're actually leaving for that." He clasps his hands in front of him, rocking back onto the balls of his feet.

He's so excited. For me. He wants this to happen for me and I have no fucking clue what to say. I can't speak past the lump in my throat but I think I'm excited too. Underneath the nerves threatening to eat me alive and the general tension in my gut at the thought of leaving this sleepy town for good, I think I'm really, really excited.

"Th-Thank you… for helping me, Coach," I mumble, dropping my gaze from his face.

Coach claps me on the shoulder again, his short laugh echoing off the walls. "You don't need to thank me, kid. Not only is this my job, I really believe in you. I mean it, there's not a doubt in my mind that you'll go incredibly far, no matter what school you go to." He gives my shoulder a final squeeze before he steps back from me, a smile lifting the corners of his mouth when I look up at him. "A lot of these schools like to meet a parent of the player when they fly out but… I wasn't sure if that'd be possible for you. I didn't know if your father would be able to get any time off."

Oh… right. Of course they'd want to meet a parent. Only problem is… one of them I don't think I ever want to see again and the other… fuck. I want him to come with me and support me cause things have been so good between us lately but… I don't want this to be what pushes him over the edge. What makes him start hating me again. I promised him I'd never leave.

I exhale, chewing on my bottom lip as I think it over. It's not like I could have someone stand in for my parents, I doubt a school would be happy if they ever found out. And besides, I don't have anyone that would make a convincing parent… but maybe an uncle?

"Hey, Coach?" I ask, following him when he starts out of the room. He barely glances over his shoulder at me but I take it as a sign to continue. "I don't think my dad will be able to get any time off but… do you think an uncle could work?"

He glances over his shoulder again, nodding. "Yeah, that should work. Why? Is your uncle gonna be in town around then?"

I don't know if he'll be up for flying to these schools with me but he's always supported me in everything else I've done. He's picked my sorry ass up from a jail cell and the hospital twice. Even if he doesn't want to go with me, I know I'll have his support. That's the kind of person he's always been.

"Sort of."


The ringing sound as the call connects brings a familiar anxiety to the pit of my stomach. It's not exactly uncomfortable but it makes me aware of everything. Mainly about the fact that he could say no.

I'm leaning against a row of lockers a few paces away from the main office, letting it all hit me. These coaches are interested in me. I could be playing ball next year. Going to college for free cause I can throw a ball pretty damn well. Shit, this could actually happen for me.

"Aren't you supposed to be in class?" Alex asks when the call connects, and the teasing lilt to his voice makes my heart swell.

I bite down on my lip, letting out a nervous breath. "Before you start lecturing me, I have a free period right now. But if you're just gonna tell me to spend my time studying or something, I'll hang up and go get some coffee instead."

Alex laughs softly amidst the sound of the shop I can hear in the background. "Yeah? What made you decide to call me instead of getting your caffeine fix?"

"I just… called to ask a question." I lean my head against the locker behind me, turning my stare up to the ugly fluorescents overhead. "You got a minute to talk?"

The shop sounds louder for a minute before Alex's voice is back on the line, the background noise almost completely silenced now. "Yeah, I do. Is something wrong?"

"No… it's a good thing." I draw in a short breath, trying to keep the grin from my tone. "S-So, I was talking to Coach just now and uhh… l-long story short, I've got a couple of colleges that are interested in seeing me over winter break. For like… a football scholarship thing. You uh… wanna… come with me?" I ask, exhaling out nervously. It's probably selfish of me to ask him to tag along but I want him there. And I think I can stand to be a little selfish right now.

Alex lets out a breath. "Are you kidding me?"

For a second, my heart races as I think I've completely misread everything between us. But he lets out a quiet, amazed laugh and the sound floods my veins with the kind of relief I didn't know I needed.

"Dash," he says my name softly and I swallow hard past the lump in my throat. "I'd love to come with you. Yes, okay? Just tell me the days as soon as you know and I'm there. Why did you even have to ask? Of course I want to be there."

The lump in my throat has quickly become more like a fucking brick, impossible to swallow past until my eyes well up with tears. God-fucking-dammit, of course Alex is gonna support me in this. Of course he's gonna be there for me.

"Alex-" I choke on his name and draw in a breath, squeezing my eyes closed. I can picture how this conversation would be going if I was standing in front of him right now. He'd put a hand on my shoulder or arm. Shake me gently. Tell me it's okay. Pull me into a hug. Whisper that-

"Fuck, kid, I'm so proud of you. Is this the first you've heard about this?"

I breathe in slowly, trying to remind my head that my feet are on the ground – no matter how much it feels like I'm floating. "No, I uhh… I've known about this since before the championship game, I guess. I mean… th-there was one college looking into me then but nothing was set in stone and… y-yeah, this is the um… yeah."

Alex laughs a little, the teasing tone back in his voice. "How come I haven't heard about this before? Did you expect to hide this forever?" he teases, the tone of his voice making me grin.

"For the record, I barely told anyone," I say, chewing on my bottom lip as I wonder if it'll sting when he finds out that Anastasia knew before him.

"Yeah? Why didn't you tell anyone?" he asks, the sound of the shop loud in the background once more. He lets out a breath that rattles across the receiver and I close my eyes to the sound of it. "Forget the anyone part, why didn't you tell me?"

I can tell he's still teasing but the question is genuine. We've had a lot of disagreements this year. Maybe he's wondering if I thought we'd fight over this too. I wonder if he thinks that I was worried he wouldn't support me in this.

"Honestly… it never felt real, you know? Like… it was always something that was there but it was in the future. It never felt like it was actually gonna happen until… I guess today. Cause I spoke to a lot of coaches after the championship game and after other games this season but… I don't know." I run a hand through my hair, letting out a quiet breath. "I guess it just never really hit me before."

Alex exhales out, a short laugh leaving him. "Shit, kid. I don't think it's gonna hit me until later, too. I'm just… I'm really proud of you, you know that? I know you never saw this or really anything good coming your way but I always believed in you. I knew that you were destined to do amazing things." He laughs softly again, completely oblivious to the tears stinging my eyes. "And I know that this opportunity… it's just one of many. You're gonna go really far. I honestly believe that. You'll leave this town behind and the world will have no idea what to do with someone like you. You're just… you're so talented, I hope you know that. You are. And intelligent. God, you're so intelligent and I know that you don't think you are but you are and-"

"Shut up, okay? God, you're gonna make me fucking blubber in the middle of the goddamn hallway, fuck," I interrupt, swiping the heel of my palm underneath my eyes in an attempt to dry the tears before they fall. I swallow multiple times and ignore Alex's soft laughter drifting through the phone.

"Okay, okay. I'll shut up for now but I'm hugging the shit out of you the next time I see you, I hope you know that," he says, renewing the smile on my face. I should have told Alex about this a long time ago. It's not like when I would tell my parents good news in the past. Alex doesn't ignore me or tell me that it's all unimportant. He doesn't make me feel like I'm bothering him when we talk. He's better to me than my own parents and I should have known to tell him first. Before anyone else, he should have been the one to know. Cause no matter who else or what else is in my life, I know that Alex will always be on my side.


After about ten thousand more compliments from Alex, I finally get him to shut up long enough to tell him that I need to go. I glance over my phone as I walk down the hallway, pausing outside the library doors to read a couple of text messages Kwan's sent me in the last half an hour.

From: Kwan

Hey, you okay? I know Danny followed after you but… just wanted to check up on you

Though I'm sure you prefer him chasing you rather than me ;) ;) ;)

I'm gonna have to kill him. God, I hate that his stupid teasing makes me blush like a fucking idiot. Instead of giving him a mature response, I respond with a photo of my middle finger, the library door the backdrop of my photo, and send it off with a short, "Fuck you."

My face is still flushed but I push open the library door anyway and trudge my way toward the back. Danny's at the table we usually occupy during our spare, but he's got his earphones in, his gaze on his notebook as he doodles in the margins.

I don't know how loud his music is so I approach the table slowly. He barely glances up from his notebook before he realizes I'm standing there and he takes his earphones out, raising his eyebrows.

"Hey." I force a smile onto my face and sink down in the chair across from him.

Danny scoffs a little, dropping his gaze back to his notebook. He's silent for a few seconds as he continues to doodle randomly. "Thought you were just gonna ignore me for most of today," he says casually, keeping his stare on the notebook that he's aggressively drawing in.

I let out a breath, flicking my gaze to the ceiling. I'm not surprised that he thought I'd ignore him. Part of me wants to ignore this whole fucked-up situation cause I don't know how the hell to handle it but I can't do that to him.

"I don't… get it. Why you continue to put yourself around him or why… you'd invite him to your party," I let out a breath, shifting my gaze from the ceiling to find him staring at me. A pink flush creeps across his cheeks and I wonder if that blush is for me. I wonder if he's only embarrassed cause he's been caught staring or if he's embarrassed cause it's me. God, I know he doesn't like me but… does he have the same butterflies I do?

Danny bites his bottom lip and it reminds me that I wasn't done talking. I roughly clear my throat, avoiding his gaze for a second before I force myself to meet it with a heavy exhale. "But I don't have to understand. I-It's your life, Danny. Even if I hate him and even if I think you shouldn't be letting him come around… it's your choice."

He blows out a breath that shakes, his gaze dropping to the table. "What made you change your mind?" he asks, his voice soft on the question. The tone of his voice makes it sound like he's afraid of my answer. But I think he's just afraid of asking the question.

"Well, I started by pulling my head out of my ass. After that, it kinda became easier to see things from someone else's point of view," I say, cracking a grin when he looks up at me with surprise on his face.

For a second, he just stares at me before he cracks up too, badly concealing his snorts by covering his mouth with the back of his hand. His grin matches mine and we try so damn hard to keep our laughter quiet, but despite the glares we get from the librarians, we both laugh until our stomachs ache. And I'm pretty sure that no matter what shit happens from now, however he decides to deal with all this stuff with Blake, this moment was worth seeing things his way.


Danny and I are called on in English class cause I pass him a note that makes him crack up so forcefully that Lancer stops mid-lesson to see what's going on. Danny has no hope of staving off his laughter but at least I manage to keep a straight face. Even if I am chewing on the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood.

Lancer separates us and I almost groan out loud when he tells me to sit next to Blake. My teammate, completely oblivious to my sudden hatred toward him, pats the desk next to him with a wide grin on his face.

"Slumming it with the troubled kids, eh, Baxter?" Blake whispers when I collapse into the seat beside him. He nudges my side with his elbow when Lancer turns his back to us and I have to hold myself back from returning the gesture except with my fist. Directly to his face.

Blake scoffs lightly, leaning across the aisle when I won't pay him attention. "Dude, what gives?"

I bite my cheek again but I'm not holding back laughter this time. No, what I'm holding back isn't even anger. It's some kind of barely controlled rage boiling in my blood and threatening to spread Blake's guts across this classroom.

My phone vibrates softly in my pocket and hawk-ears Lancer turns back to the classroom. He scans over us before he narrows his eyes slightly and looks in Jeff's direction. "Mr. Steele, can you tell me who wrote the poem Death Be Not Proud and in what year it was published?"

Jeff gives him a blank look and Lancer sighs exasperatedly, rolling his eyes like his whole class is stupid. His gaze shifts away from my teammate and instead, he looks toward someone else in the classroom. "What about you, Mr. Lester? Any idea what I'm talking about?"

I drag my phone from my pocket when the guy Lancer called on starts talking, glancing over the text with an inward groan. Of course it's this kind of text.

From: Danny

Please don't make a big deal out of sitting with Blake. I know you hate him but try to keep it quiet for me?

Fuck. Part of me thinks I'll never be able to keep my hatred for Blake quiet. Cause he's a fucking asshole and he completely wrecked Danny. But if Danny's asking me to keep it quiet for him then… fuck, I guess I am.

To: Danny

Only cause you asked me to.


Danny and I both get a stern look from Lancer on our way out of the classroom but Danny snorts which I think only pisses him off even more. The grin on Danny's face is completely worth the irritation I can feel from our English teacher.

"We'll probably go down in the history of his hated students, you know that right?" I joke, laughing at the innocence Danny tries to feign. He gives me a shocked look, pressing a hand over his heart and mouths, "me?" which cracks me up.

I'm busy watching the smile Danny's wearing and I don't realize Kwan's come up beside me until he claps his hand on my shoulder. He gives me a grin when I look his way. "You want to crash at my place tonight? My mom's working the late shift."

I start to respond, make some crack about how Kwan only wants me around so his mom will leave money for pizza, but I'm distracted when Paulina suddenly falls in step with us. Or more accurately, in step with Danny.

She's pulling her hair back into a ponytail, grinning at something Danny's saying. He's smiling too and though his gaze flits toward me after a second or two, his stare doesn't linger the way mine does. He's instantly drawn back into the conversation with Paulina and I try not to let it bother me. I try to remind myself of everything I said to Danny in the library. It's his life.

"Earth to Dash." Kwan nudges his shoulder against mine, hesitantly smiling when I look back at him. He chews the corner of his bottom lip as his eyebrows draw down a little. "You didn't catch any of what I just said, huh?"

I steal another glance toward Danny, forcing myself to make the look quick, before I focus on Kwan again, shaking my head. "No. Sorry, I was a little distracted."

Kwan snorts, flicking his gaze past me to look at Danny. A wicked grin spreads across my best friend's face and I know him well enough to know that the look he's giving me is a bad thing. "Oh, I bet."

My face heats up quickly as I try to avoid his gaze. "Shut up," I mumble, scratching the back of my head as I subtly steal a glance toward Danny again. If it was me that Paulina had pulled that shit on in sophomore year… I wouldn't be able to even imagine putting up with her after everything she did.

Fuck, part of me just wants to take Danny away from all of this. Spend a couple of weeks at the beach where I first saw the bruises on him, and eat the best fucking pizza he ever introduced me to and just let him get away. But that's not how he wants to deal with this shit and I have to accept that. Cause while I'd run and hide, Danny wants to stay and fight. He doesn't want to cower or back down anymore. And if he won't let me take him away from this, then I'm gonna stick around and do my best to protect him.

"Could you eyefuck him anymore?" Kwan suddenly asks, his voice low and so close to my ear, I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. So much for subtly looking.

I jab Kwan in the rib with my elbow and cut him a look. He only responds with an overzealous grin and I want to knock his stupid teeth in. "Fuck off," I mumble, dropping my gaze to the ground as we step outside the school.

I'm down the stairs and several paces away when I glance over my shoulder. Danny and Paulina are still inside, standing just at the exit doors. He shifts his gaze from Paulina to me and for a second, he just looks at me.

I offer up a small smile before I turn back to Kwan, trying hard not to get so caught up in Danny. In everything he does. In the way his lips look just before they curve into a smile or the way he makes every ugly emotion beautiful.

"Hey, wait up!" Danny calls from behind me and I'm instantly turning back to face him. He bounds down the stairs toward me and Kwan slows to a stop a few paces ahead. Danny stops, a few inches of space between us, and smiles. "Headed out?" he asks, tilting his head to one side. He smiles when I nod and he lets his gaze drift out into the parking lot.

"Yeah, pretty sure… Kwan wants me to come by his place so we can order pizza," I mumble, shrugging when Danny meets my gaze. His eyes practically sparkle as he smiles and it's killing me. Why do you make me like you so much?

"Cool… should be fun," he says with another smile. He hesitates a split second before he takes a step closer to me, letting out a soft breath. "Hey, listen… thanks for being cool about this. I really appreciate it."

I don't think I deserve his thanks. Cause I'm trying not to think about this shit or let it go or whatever it is that Danny wants me to do but I don't think I can. It's not in my blood to let shit like this go. Blake's a stupid son of a bitch and Paulina isn't much better. I get it. She didn't want Blake to let the whole town know that she was pregnant but still. Danny didn't deserve that.

"Yeah, well… the least I could do after I've been such an exceptional ass to you in the past." I shrug when Danny gives me a funny look. "I've pushed you a lot."

Danny's expression brightens a little and he shakes his head. For a second, he just stares at me before he takes another step closer and I can't stop myself. He's too close and if I'm not touching him, I'll go insane.

I tug him against my chest and he relaxes at my touch. I run my hand down his spine and rest it comfortably against his lower back. He shivers a little at the touch but I can't convince myself to pull away. I want to do more than just touch him but it wouldn't be right. Not just because we're in the parking lot of our high-school with my best friend's beady eyes watching everything we do. More cause he's still hurting from Blake. From everything. I'm nobody's knight in shining armor and it'd be an insult to Danny if I let myself believe that he could ever see me that way.

"Have fun with Paulina," I mumble, pulling away from him. I just barely resist the urge to kiss his forehead, almost managing to convince myself that it'd be okay. That it'd be like that time after he called me, all bloody and panicked, and I drove him to my mom. But he's not bleeding and I don't have the courage to kiss him.

One corner of Danny's mouth tucks upward and I manage to return the smile before I let him go, stepping back as he turns to face Paulina again. He doesn't look back as he climbs up the stairs again but I can't tear my gaze away from him.

He comes up to where she's standing and she's instantly grinning at whatever he's saying to her. There's a pang in my heart, watching the two of them connect so easily. I want to be a part of it. Not so I can protect him… I want it because I miss when things were simple between us. Before I knew about his abilities or what Paulina did or fucking Blake... before he knew about my dad or how shit things have become with my mom. I miss just having a friend that I was lowkey crushing on.

Kwan bumps his shoulder with mine and gives me a sympathetic look but I don't return it. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me just cause I can't hold Danny in my arms. "Come on. Let's go to my place. We'll play video games or something, okay?"

I don't think my stupid heart is gonna be happy with anything other than Danny in my arms but… good food and a great friend might be the start. And if I can never have the boy I love, I guess it's better to start getting over it now before it completely destroys me. If it hasn't already.


Kwan forces me to study for our history final next week before he'll let me order a pizza and by that point, I'm ready to die or sell my soul to the history gods. Forget pizza, I need alcohol to cure this.

"Why is all of this gonna be on the final?" I groan, shoving my face into a pillow I stole from the couch. It muffles my words into a barely audible whine but Kwan still laughs and swats me on the back with a pillow.

"You know, you probably wouldn't be having so much trouble with this if you had actually paid attention in class this year," Kwan teases, laughing when I stick my middle finger up at him. "Seriously, you used to be better than me in history."

I press my face harder into the pillow, groaning again. It only makes Kwan laugh harder so I lift my head high enough to glare at him. I want to smack that stupid ass grin off his face but I snort instead, rolling my eyes. "Whatever."

Kwan collapses on the floor next to me, letting out a quiet groan as he settles, rolling over to face me. He's got a stupid grin on his face and I can tell that whatever comes out of his mouth isn't gonna be good.

"Do you whine this much when you study with Danny?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. He laughs at the flush I can feel heating up my cheeks, and pokes me in the ribcage with his index finger.

I manage to glare at him before I bury my face in the pillow again. God, I wish I was hanging out with Danny right now. He wouldn't be teasing me. We'd just study and he'd be away from Paulina and wouldn't have to worry about Blake catching up to him after school cause I'd be by his side. Ready to protect him in a second if that fucker tried anything.

Kwan notices the shift in me and his tone loses all hint of teasing to it. "You okay?"

I don't think I am. But I don't have the right to not be. Cause this is Danny's shit to deal with, not mine. He's the one that should be hurting. The one that should be worrying about Blake, not me. But I'm fucking terrified that Blake'll try something and I won't be there and it'll set Danny back at square fucking one.

Kwan raises an eyebrow when I lift my head from the pillow again and roll over onto my back, exhaling out heavily as I close my eyes. I don't want to think about this shit anymore. I want to stop letting it fuck with me. But I'm stuck. I can't stop myself from thinking about it. From over-analyzing every moment I've spent with Danny this year. Every second that Blake was with me. When we partied at the beach, Danny hung back from the water. He wouldn't get in and I thought he was doing it cause he was bruised. But fuck, maybe he was trying to avoid being around Blake as much as possible.

"Something bothering you?" Kwan asks and I can picture the look on his face. I can hear the concern in his tone and I know he's worrying about me. Cause I left the lunch table earlier and barely responded to his texts.

I rest my arm across my forehead, letting out a breath. If I say yes, Kwan will ask what's bugging me. If I say no, he'll know I'm lying. Something is bothering me but that's not what he's really asking. He wants to know if I'm okay.

"I'll be fine, Kwan," I respond, running a hand down my face. I don't want to talk about Danny. Or any of this shit. I don't want to think about any fucked-up part of my life. I just want to think about what Coach told me. About the scholarships. That's what I want to focus on. Cause it's a good thing and I could fucking use a good thing right now.

Kwan shifts closer to me, his shoulder brushing mine as he settles down again with a sigh. "You sure?" he asks softly. I don't want to lie to him. I don't want to pretend that everything's okay but I don't have the right to talk about this shit. Danny's the one that Blake fucked up, not me. What right do I have to talk about it?

"You ever… find out a secret… and have no fucking clue how to deal with it?" I ask, my voice quiet. Cause I know I shouldn't be talking about this. I trust Kwan and I know that he'll never breathe a word of this but still… it's not my place.

I start to tell him never mind, change the subject back to something meaningless but Kwan beats me to it. He exhales heavily, his gaze on the ceiling when I look toward him. His expression is pinched and the breath he drags is in shaky.

"Yes," Kwan says, his voice barely above a whisper on the one word. His eyes flutter closed and he exhales out, slowly shaking his head. "I found out the real reason my parents are getting a divorce. All this time, I thought it was because of me. Because I'm gay. But… it's not."

Shit. I've never for a second thought his parent's divorce was his fault. One look at the pained expression on his face tells me he's been blaming himself for a long time. Fuck. I promised I wouldn't let him get this bad.

"It was... never your fault, Kwan," I say, turning toward him more. He squeezes his eyes closed tighter and breathes out a shaky breath. It's not your fault. I don't know how to get him to understand it but I can't stand the thought of Kwan hating himself for even a second cause of this shit between his parents.

I shift closer to him, putting a hand on his shoulder despite the way he winces at the contact. "Hey, come on. You know it's not your fault. It's… life sucks but that doesn't make it your fault. It's gonna be okay."

Kwan opens his eyes, keeping his stare on the ceiling and I have the feeling that my words did shit for him. The things that I said were barely comforting and I hate that I can never say the right thing. Of all the people in my life, Kwan deserves better than my shitty wording.

"I'm sorry. I know you're hurting and… I wish there was something I could say. But I know that it's not helping and you kinda gotta figure this out on your own cause I've been… w-well… I get it, okay?" I'm rambling at this point and I know Kwan can tell. But one corner of his mouth is quirked upward and I breathe out a sigh of relief, letting his small half-smile spur me on. "Seriously, life's shit and I hate that you're dealing with this but you're not… dealing with it alone. Or… you don't have to deal with it alone. I'm here. You know I'm here."

Kwan nods, turning to look at me as he swallows hard. "Thanks. I know you're always on my side. I should have told you about this before but… I don't know, you've got your own shit to deal with," he mumbles, shrugging as he looks away from me. "My mom told me that dad was cheating on her for a long time. And she found out late last year. She was trying to fix things – keep the three of us a family at least until I graduated high school but… a-after the way he started treating me when I… came out, she told me that was the last straw for her."

Fuck. Kwan's mom has been nothing but kind to me and she doesn't deserve someone like that in her life. And Kwan sure as hell deserves a better father than that. God, I really hope Kwan knows now that this isn't his fault. That his parents divorce has nothing to do with him. It's his stupid, shitty dad.

"I'm sorry. That fucking sucks," I mumble, nudging my shoulder against his in some show of comfort. Kwan smiles at the action, letting his eyes fall closed. He doesn't look like he's holding it together this time. More like he's letting it go. And I'm so busy being envious of how easy he's making it look, I almost forget I was the one that brought this conversation up.

He breathes out, that smile disappearing from his face as he turns to look at me. "Anyway, what made you ask that?"

Fuck… I almost wish I'd never asked him. I only said something cause I wanted to talk about Danny again without ever asking Kwan what the hell is going on in his life. Am I ever gonna get this shit right? Am I ever gonna be able to get Kwan to believe that I really do care about him and that I'm just an asshole that's so focused on my own shit, I can't ask anyone else about what's going on with them?

"It's… nothing. Forget I asked," I mumble, sitting up as I run a hand down my face. I find my phone on the floor between us and I unlock it, glancing toward Kwan as I let out a breath. "What kind of pizza do you want?"

Kwan frowns, sitting up too. He puts a hand on top of my phone, his eyebrows drawing down. "Hang on a second. What's going on?"

I shrug, trying to play it off, and drop my gaze back to my phone, pushing his hand off my screen. "Nothing. Are you gonna make me get some gross toppings on half of the pizza or are you gonna spare me from that tonight?"

"Dash, stop." Kwan swipes my phone from my hand and slides it behind him, giving me a serious look when I manage to meet his gaze. "Seriously. I know you, okay? You can't lie to me… what's going on?"

A stuttered breath leaves me and I drop my stare to the carpet. I don't want to talk about this. I don't have the right to talk about it. This is Danny's shit to bring up and I shouldn't. I'm gonna go out of my fucking mind if I don't get it off my chest. But it's not my shit to talk about.

"Do you remember…the night after the championship game? When you and I were… hanging out on the balcony?" My voice is barely above a whisper and I swallow hard as soon as the words leave my mouth. This is wrong.

"Yeah?" Kwan asks, his brows furrowed in confusion.

I let out a shaky breath, closing my eyes as a shiver runs through me. I wonder if Kwan can tell what I'm thinking about. I wonder if he's ever realized how much that night rattled me. How much it's made me unable to stop thinking about Danny. About every moment I've spent with him and how whenever we're together, he smiles more and he panics less and I-

I drop my forehead into my hands, letting out a slow breath. "Forget it. I can't tell you."

Kwan shifts next to me, his shoulder against mine – grounding me in this moment. You're not back on that balcony. You're not holding him. He's not crying into your chest. You're not-

"What is it?" Kwan asks softly and I choke, covering my mouth with the palm of my hand.

This hurts. Every part of this hurts. I want to tell someone. I want to get it off my chest and I want to let it go. But it's not my shit to talk about. I can't tell Kwan anything without Danny's permission. He's had enough people talking about him behind his back all his life. He doesn't need me to be one of those people.

"Kwan, please," I'm pleading with the both of us at this point, begging him to understand what I can't say and willing myself to have the strength to stay silent. I've pushed Danny so fucking much in the past. He deserves my silence about something so goddamn important.

He slides his arm around my back. "Hey, come on. It's me," he says, trying to soothe me but it doesn't work. Nothing will work when I'm like this. "What is it?"

I shake my head again but that's all I can do. If I try to speak, I'll say his name and I can't do that to him. I can't talk about this without his permission. I can't tell a goddamn soul until he tells me it's okay. He deserves better than that.

"Does it have something to do with your dad?" Kwan asks, exhaling softly when I shake my head. "Okay, um… did your mom call you or something?"

I swallow hard, groaning quietly and he takes that as some sort of answer and he pushes for more. He asks me what she said. How I'm doing. What's been going on. I don't have an answer for him. I don't have any answers for him.

"Kwan." I lift my head, dragging in a splintered breath. "Stop. Just… stop, okay?"

He falls silent next to me and I rake my fingers through my hair. I can't tell him about Danny. As much as I want to, it's not my shit to talk about. Danny deserves better than that.

I wouldn't even know where to start. I've talked about this shit with Paulina and Danny and fuck I'm tired of talking about it. I just want to reach back through the past and rip Blake's throat out for ever touching Danny. For ever making him cower.

"Dash," Kwan calls softly, his voice barely above a whisper. His hesitation tells me that he's concerned. More than concerned, Kwan's scared for me. Something in my tone of voice or in the way my hands won't stop fucking shaking has gotten under my best friend's skin. He's scared for me. And it's not like I can blame him. I'm scared too. But not for me and not even for Danny right now. I'm scared of how angry I am. How angry I'll always be from now on. Cause Blake put his fucking hands on Danny and I can't handle the thought of it without seeing red.

I drag in a breath and wish for things to be different. For me to have the strength in my lungs to tell him everything. If I had Danny's permission, I'd spill all of this to Kwan.

I'd tell him about Paulina's dad showing up at my house. I'd tell him about holding Danny in his backyard and feeling the sobs wrack through his body. I'd confess to him about being so angry I can't see straight and I'd tell him how my selfish heart wants to know that all of this shit won't ruin my chances of one day holding Danny in my arms. I want it more than almost anything. But I want him to be okay more. And I don't think he'll ever be okay in the arms of another football player.


Kwan forces me into staying with him for the night. Even though I try to insist that I'm fine, he says that he'll worry. I start to tell him that it's too late to worry - my stupid heart is in the middle of this shit now - but I know he won't understand without an explanation… and it's not like I can give him one.

We eat pizza and play videogames until his mom gets home, just after eleven. As soon as she's settled at the table, eating some food she picked up on her way home, I make my escape upstairs. Kwan doesn't get a chance to protest before I lock myself away in the shower.

I stand underneath the spray, staring up at the shower head, a million and one thoughts running through my head. It's not like me to turn my brain off and the odds of managing it now are pretty slim. Danny's… fuck. No wonder his dad basically threatened me when I was at his place on Thanksgiving. He doesn't want to see his son go through that again. He can't see it again. I know I couldn't.

There's a soft knock on the bathroom door so I leave the shower. I towel off and dress quickly in the clothes I swiped from Kwan's dresser, only glancing at myself in the mirror for a split-second before I'm out. Kwan's standing on the other side of the door, frowning at me when I step out of the bathroom. He gives me a hesitant smile and I somehow manage to return it before I step past him and start for his bedroom.

"Just so you know, my mom's worried about you," Kwan says over his shoulder on the way into the bathroom. He stops in front of the sink to brush his teeth and I only watch him for a few seconds before I move into his bedroom, crossing the room to stare out the window.

There are so many stars up above and Danny could be looking at any one of them right now. He could be staring up at the same sky I am right now. Or maybe he's passed out asleep in his bed already… but something tells me that's not where he is right now.

Kwan lets out a long sigh as he steps into his bedroom behind him, pushing the door closed. "Don't know about you but I'm exhausted." He moves around in his room behind me, putting things away and generally straightening up, all while I'm glued to the window.

It feels like forever since I talked to Danny about this shit with Blake. Since I held him in my arms in his backyard. I wonder if Danny would have ever told me the truth if I'd never figured it out. It's not like he owes me that conversation but… I like to think that someday, he would have told me without any prompting.

"You gonna lay down or are you gonna stare out the window for the rest of your life?" Kwan asks, obviously teasing me, but I can hear the quiet concern laced around his words. It's not just his mom that's worried – he is too. And I know my best friend pretty damn well, he'll probably worry about me forever.

I turn around, giving him the smile that I can manage before I shuffle the few spaces between the window and the air mattress. I collapse onto the mattress with a heavy groan, stretching my arms over my head. Today feels like it's been long as fuck but it's just like every other Monday in this goddamn town. Uneventful and straighter than I am.

Kwan cuts out the light before he crosses the room to his bed. It takes him a few minutes of shifting around on his mattress to get comfortable but he finally stops moving and his room is almost dead quiet afterward.

"Hey, Dash?" Kwan whispers when the silence has stretched between us for the better part of ten minutes. I turn my head toward him in response, hoping that he knows I'm listening. "I'm kinda… worried about you too, I guess. Not nearly as much as my mom cause I get that you'd tell me if something was serious. But… I don't know. Earlier it just seemed like... I kinda got the feeling that this is something serious. You just seemed… really angry over whatever this is."

I exhale through my nose, turning my head to stare up at Kwan's ceiling. At least what I'm guessing is the ceiling in the darkness of his bedroom. I can't remember a time when I was this angry. In the past, I've gotten pissed off but it's never been something that a long drive or an afternoon at Alex's can't fix. This is… I don't think there's any fixing this.

"Relax. I'm fine," I say, almost choking over the things I'd do to Blake in a second if he tries anything. I want to do what Danny's asked of me and not make this shit a big deal but I can't handle even the thought of Blake getting his hands on Danny and- fuck. It tears at my sanity to even think about something happening to the boy that's got me wrapped around his finger.

Silence falls between us and it's uncomfortable and smothering. I hate that I can't break it. I hate that I can't drag my mind away from the boy I've fallen so fucking hard for long enough to have a conversation with my best friend.

Kwan exhales softly, turning toward me a little. He finally breaks the silence with a short laugh. "So… I uh… I may or may not be flirting with some guy on Grindr purely because he has a nice ass," he says, a clear grin in his tone. I try really fucking hard to hold back a snort but it escapes and Kwan chucks a pillow at me.

"Shut up, he's also really interesting and has a great sense of humor," he tries to argue but it's too late. He admitted that he's talking to this guy cause of his ass. I'm pretty sure as his best friend I'm not allowed to let something like this go.

"So what you're saying is that he has a lot of great… assets, huh?" I ask, turning toward him with a grin that I know he can definitely hear in my voice.

He whines loudly in response and in the darkness, I can just barely make out him covering his head with his blankets. "You're such a jerk," he says, his voice muffled. He pokes one hand out of his covers, wiggling his fingers. "Gimme my pillow back."

My phone lights up next to me as I hand the pillow back to him and the glow illuminates the rom. I shift my gaze to the device, snatching it up as I collapse back on my own pillow. Two more texts come in while I'm typing in my passcode and I open up my messages.

From: Paulina

You owe me so big

I've been doing some birthday recon for you

I'm now armed with some gift ideas to get Danny

To: Paulina

What makes you think I don't already have this figured out?

In truth, I only have a small part figured out. I know I'm taking him stargazing at the outlook when we celebrate his birthday over the weekend. But other than that… fuck, I could probably use Paulina's help.

From: Paulina

You're forgetting that I know you

Ouch. I know I don't give the greatest gifts in the world but I put in a lot of effort. I try to get stuff that my friends will actually like. At least… I think I do anyway.

To: Paulina

The hell is that supposed to mean?

From: Paulina

You brought me gifts the day after my birthday last year

Shit, that's right… her birthday had slipped my mind and I ended up having to pick everything up for her that night. Considering that was the weekend my mom and I were both admitted to the hospital cause of the shit my dad was doing, I feel like she would have understood if I'd told her. But… it felt like a shitty excuse to give so I never mentioned it. At least I remembered to text her before the day was officially gone.

From: Paulina

Anyway, it doesn't matter

Point is… you and I are going shopping after school tomorrow

Damn, doesn't sound like she's giving me much of a choice. Not that I'd exactly fight her, I could probably use her help. But… fuck, I know she's trying to help but I don't know if I can be around her. All this shit that happened with Blake isn't her fault but… she's tied into it. In one fucked up way or another, she's a part of this whole mess.

But… Danny's been hanging around her. And he told me not to make this a big deal. I'm supposed to let it go. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that but I think it starts with Paulina. I'll never be able to forgive Blake or let go of the shit that he did but this isn't Paulina's fault. I still can't believe the shit she did to Danny in sophomore year but… Danny's put it behind him. The least I can do is try to do the same. And besides, whatever she comes up with for his birthday is gonna be ten times better than anything I could come up with.

To: Paulina

Fine but you're buying me a coffee

From: Paulina

Deal


School passes by in a blur on Tuesday. Coach talks to me during my free period again to tell me that Northviewofficially decided on a date to fly me out. He gives me a couple of dates to remember and I put them all down in my phone's calendar and I text Alex the official day for the flight to go up to Amridge.

Alex responds with a message that includes way too many exclamation points but I can't deny the way that it makes my chest swell with pride every time I read over it. God, it feels good having someone be proud of me again. The last time dad was proud of me was probably in fucking little league or something.

I spend the rest of my free period with Danny, cutting up in the back of the library and making him laugh by reading him a bunch of stupid jokes I find on my phone. At one point, one of the librarians tells us we need to be quiet and Danny can barely hold in a snicker when I make a face at him while she has her back turned to me.

The bell eventually rings and we go our separate ways until English class. Where I continue on my quest to make him laugh, completely in love with the way his smile makes the skin around his eyes crinkle up until his eyes look like crescent moons. It's fucking adorable.

Even though Lancer sends a stern look our way during the middle of his class, he doesn't separate us like he did yesterday. So we leave his classroom together and we're joking and cutting up when Blake is suddenly next to us.

He doesn't meet my gaze but he does stare daggers at Danny. And the boy that my heart is set on falters. He stumbles in his step, almost loses his footing, but he rights himself. The glare that Blake sent his way doesn't stop the starlight boy, even if it does make him pause.

Danny darts his gaze to me when Blake storms out of the building and down the steps. Danny doesn't try to get the conversation back to where it was, he just meets my gaze with a soft exhale and lifts one shoulder at me. If Danny hadn't asked me to not make this a big deal, I'd go after Blake and pound his fucking brains out. How dare he fuck with Danny like this.

"It's okay," I tell Danny, even though I can tell his hands are starting to tremble. This isn't anywhere close to okay but I force a small smile on my face, more for his benefit than mine.

He returns the smile after a second of hesitation and he lets out a shaky laugh. "S-So… anyway. We were talking about studying for your algebra final?"

Math is like a subtle form of torture for me – even with Danny's help – but if talking about math keeps Danny from having to talk about Blake, I'll discuss algorithms and equations for the rest of my life. As long as that smile stays on his face, I'll talk to Danny about anything he wants me to.

"Yeah, I'm definitely gonna need your help. I seriously wouldn't even be able to take my finals this semester if it wasn't for you. This class was incredibly brutal," I respond, groaning a little as I think about it again. All those nights I spent sacrificing my time and effort up to the algebra gods… if only I'd found Danny sooner.

Danny's shoulder bumps mine as we descend the stairs together and it makes the breath catch in my throat. Every time that he accidentally touches me, my heart gives me away and I end up with a racing pulse and a flushed face. It's only a matter of time before Danny realizes why I stumble over my words when he smiles at me.

"We can do some of your homework now if you want to…?" Danny offers, a half-smile on his face when I manage to meet his gaze. He lifts one shoulder again in another shrug, tilting his head to one side. "You can come by my house and we'll go over it together."

I think stars are born and galaxies are formed with the smile on Danny's lips. I want to go with him. But not just to do my homework. I want to follow him home and I want to line his skin with kisses. I want him to know what it feels like to be cared about. To be lusted after in the most innocent sense of the word. To show him that it's not just his body that I crave. I want his hands to fit into mine and I want his heart to know that it's safe with me. I want this boy but I wasn't made to hold starlight in my palms and call it mine.

"I'm gonna have to pass… Paulina beat you to the invite – I'm supposed to head out soon to meet up with her," I say, offering up a shrug when Danny raises an eyebrow. "I don't know, her idea. We're hanging out at the mall or something."

He frowns a little, chewing on his bottom lip as we come to a stop beside his car. He glances up, seeming almost surprised that we're here already. It shows just how much he was paying attention to me instead of where we were heading. Danny… tell me that you get caught up in staring at me the same way that I do you.

"You're… hanging out with Paulina?" he asks softly, more than the simple question clear in his tone. His expression is worried when I meet his gaze and he quickly tears his gaze from mine with a small shrug. "I-It's none of my business, I'm sorry."

I want to tell him that he's got it wrong. That things are purely platonic between me and her but… would that be too obvious? Do I even care about being subtle anymore?

Danny fumbles with his keys and his backpack, struggling to open his car door. He starts a little, his flush deepening when I put my hand on top of his, opening the door for him. I hesitate on pulling my hand back from his and I can't help but wonder about the blush on his face. What it means.

"Th-Thanks," he breathes, meeting my gaze as he swallows hard.

I chance my luck and shuffle forward a few steps with a shrug. There's barely any space between us now and my own breath catches in my throat when he exhales out heavily, his breath hanging in the air. Shit… we're close enough to kiss if he wanted us to…

Danny meets my gaze, his blue eyes shining as he shyly bites down on his bottom lip. I want to tug that lip from between his teeth and kiss him so hard, he'll forget everything but the feeling of my lips on his.

There are so many things I want to say – so many things I need to say to him. But they all get caught at the back of my throat and no amount of coughing could ever convince me to spit them out. This isn't the time. But god, I want him.

"Baxter, you better not have ditched me!" Paulina's voice rings out through the parking lot and Danny and I both turn to look. Paulina's standing next to my car, a few spaces down from where I am. Her hands on her hips as she glances around the lot, looking for me. A knowing smirk grows on her face when she finally sees who I'm with and Danny laughs nervously as he looks back at me.

"Guess that's your cue, huh?" he asks, a shy smile on his face.

I wish it wasn't. I wish I could just get in Danny's car and hang out with him until tonight ends. Or hell, even just a few hours would be better than having to leave him. But he doesn't need me to hold his hand or tell him that everything's gonna be okay. He just needs a friend and I desperately have to try to be that for him right now.

Danny gives me a hug before he gets into his car and I think a part of my heart leaves the parking lot with him as he drives away. Even though I know Paulina's waiting on me by my car, I stay rooted in the spot his car was just parked in, watching until he disappears from the lot.

"Hey," Paulina calls, coming to a stop next to me. She shifts her bag on her shoulder and gives me a smile when I turn to look at her, nodding toward my car. "You ready to go?"

I somehow manage to return the smile and it doesn't feel forced. I push all of this shit with Blake and everything Danny's told me to the back of my mind, not willing to let it fuck things up today. I've missed hanging around Paulina without all of this being a part of our interactions. And even though Danny will definitely be a topic of conversation today, I don't have to let our talk turn to the dark shit. Not for a while anyway. There'll be a time when I'll need Paulina to tell me everything but right now isn't it. Right now, we're just two people hanging out. I could definitely use more moments like this.


Paulina and I argue over the stereo the whole drive until we reach downtown Amity Park and it feels like old times between us. Except instead of getting pissed off, we trade insults about each other's music taste with the biggest fucking grins on our faces.

"All I'm saying is that there's more than one genre of music, Dash," Paulina says, laughing when I put on a mock hurt expression. The expression easily gives way to a grin as I coast my car to a stop in one of the available spaces outside of the only mall that Amity Park has to boast.

I turn the engine off. "You're one to talk. I practically have every Lana Del Ray album burned into my memory because of you."

Paulina sticks her tongue out and says something about how I wouldn't know good taste if it bit me in the ass before she gets out of my car. I pocket my phone and keys before I climb out of my car too, slamming the door shut behind me before I shrug my jacket on.

"I feel like it's been forever since I've come to the mall," Paulina says, stretching her arms over her head with a cute noise as she fits her jacket around her. The bottom of her shirt rides up a little and I catch sight of her hipbones, something in me stirring at the memory of trailing kisses down her body at her summer house.

She drops her arms with a soft exhale, her gaze instantly flicking to me. I pretend to be interested in the pavement as we start up to the door to the mall, biting back a grin. For half a second, I think I've flown under her radar but she scoffs, bumping her shoulder into mine.

"Don't think I didn't see that, Baxter. Still checking me out after all this time?" she asks, smirking at the flush I can feel creeping across my face. I don't think I'll ever want to date her again cause we both know that we're better off apart but hey – she's still really fucking hot.

I shrug, unable to hold back the smile any longer, and glance toward her. "Can't help it. If things were different… I don't think I would have broken up with you."

Paulina laughs – a real laugh. The kind that makes her tilt her head back and screws her eyes closed and leaves me with a grin on my face. She wipes the heels of her palms under her eyes, shaking her head as she looks at me.

"You know… if things don't work out with Danny, let me know," Paulina says, giving me a wink when I meet her gaze. "I'm mostly kidding."

She opens the door to the mall and steps back, letting me in first. I stop only a few paces inside and wait until she's next to me before I speak. "I doubt anything's gonna work out with Danny," I say, shrugging when she looks at me.

Paulina's eyebrows draw down and she tilts her head to one side. "What do you mean? Why won't it work out?"

I could mention the fact that I fucking suck as a boyfriend, or that the idea of commitment scares the fuck out of me. I could even just say that the timing sucks cause we'll both be heading out of this town next year but none of that shit is the truth. It's Danny. He's why we can't work out. Cause he's still wrecked and I don't know how to fix him.

"The shit with Blake… really fucked him up, Paulina. I don't know if he's gonna be ready to date anybody for a long time," I say, shrugging again when she shakes her head. "I know, it sucks. But… I'm not gonna push him for anything." Not again.

Paulina stops me with a hand on my arm, pausing outside some store advertising clothes I'll never be enough of a douche to wear. I let out a breath, meeting her gaze as I shake my head, a thousand reasons why this'll never work on the tip of my tongue but she beats me to it.

"Don't you think you should let him decide when he's ready?" she asks softly, sliding her hand down my arm to thread her fingers between mine. "I can't imagine how he's feeling but… maybe he's doing better than you think?"

I've only known Danny for three months. In that time I've managed to learn about his anxiety, some of the shit going on in between him and his parents, his powers, and his abusive ex-boyfriend. I've watched him literally be stitched back together only to fall apart in my arms. I've held him as he cried and tried my fucking hardest to put him back together again. And I've fallen completely, hopelessly in love with him. I think it's safe to say that I know him pretty damn well.

"Trust me. If I thought there was a chance, I'd tell him how I feel." I drop my gaze to our hands. "But he's broken and jumping into another relationship isn't gonna fix him. And I'm a pathetic form of super-glue anyway."

Paulina groans softly and shakes her head when I look up at her again but she doesn't tell me I'm wrong. I think deep down, even she knows that I'm right. That this thing with Danny is never gonna work. Cause after all, I'm not the kind of guy that people stay with.


We walk from store to store and though Paulina finds a CD for Danny, I don't find anything for him. Nothing screams his name in any of the stores we look and I doubt giving the boy you want to kiss a pair of socks will get his attention.

Paulina suggests a bunch of things that she swears Danny's into but I can't make a decision for my life. And I refuse to settle for a fucking Starbucks gift card. That's the kind of shit I'd get one of my teammates or somebody I work with. Not Danny. He deserves the whole universe not just a fucking cup of coffee.

It's just past seven when we give up for the day and wander into the food court. We're both exhausted and neither one of us want to eat at home. So we get burgers from the only decent place in the mall and sit at a table in the corner of the food court.

"You know," Paulina says, pausing to wipe her mouth on a napkin before she continues. "Even though we didn't find anything for you to give him… today's still been really fun." She smiles, ducking her head to take another bite from her burger.

I've had fun today too. More fun than I've had in years but… there's still a part of me that's hesitant. Cause even though I've been having fun and joking around with Paulina for most of the day, I still think of Danny. Every second that's quiet and leaves room for anything else to sneak into my senses, he's there. And when I think of Danny, I think of all the other shit too. With Blake and Paulina and everything that fucked him up in his sophomore year. It's always in the back of my mind but in the silence that falls between me and Paulina… it feels like it's fucking screaming at me.

"You're kinda quiet… whatcha thinking about?" Paulina asks, swiping one of my fries for herself. She grins as she delicately bites into it, arching an eyebrow at me in some kind of challenge. Like I care that much that she's stolen my fries.

I drop my gaze to the table, not sure if I should be bringing this shit up right now. Especially considering we're in public. But I think I'm gonna go insane if I don't ask her – or someone – how the fuck to handle all of this.

"I'm just… thinking about Danny," I mumble, exhaling out heavily before I continue. "And… the shit that Blake did. Just… Danny's sophomore year in general and… I don't know. I just wish I'd known him then. Probably would've been nice to have someone on his side."

Paulina exhales, her expression pinched when I look up at her again. I don't understand the look she's giving me… it's not like I hate her for what happened. I get her part of this. She did a shitty thing but at least she not acknowledged it, she's also never gonna do it again. Cause she's not that person anymore. But Blake… how can anyone expect me to not hate him for the shit that he's done?

"Dash, this will eat you alive if you let it," Paulina says, biting her bottom lip before she exhales out. "Things are different now. And believe me, I understand why this bothers you so much but you have to let it go. If not for your sake, for Danny's. Earlier you were talking about giving up on dating him because of this but what if he's afraid of that? What if he's been worrying that people won't want to be with him because of everything that's happened?"

I don't know if Danny's ever thought of me the way that I think of him but… I wouldn't want him to think that I won't date him because of his past. Because of the things that have happened to him. No, that's not why I'd pull back. The only reason that I wouldn't press my lips to his skin and whisper in his ear that he's fucking beautiful is because I know he's still hurting. He might be able to hang around Blake in the cafeteria during school and invite him to a party but Danny's still hurting. Even if he won't admit it, I know he's still hurting.

"How… did it all happen with you? With Blake I mean?"

It's not my place to ask but I can't help it. I can't hold back when it comes to Danny. And I think to understand Danny's pain, I have to understand this whole mess.

Paulina brushes her hair back with one hand, lifting her stare to meet mine with a shaky inhale. "We were at a party… you know, a typical after-game thing. You and I were doing our whole off again thing and I… just didn't want to be alone that night. So when Blake started hitting on the cheerleaders like he does all the time, I flirted with him."

Paulina drops her gaze and a flash of shame crawls over me. I have to stop letting my own damn curiosity take priority over how someone else feels. I pushed Danny to his fucking breaking point before. I can't do that to anyone else.

"You don't have to tell me. Forget I asked," I say, my voice carrying that same weight of shame it did the day I apologized to Danny after that trip to the beach. And practically begged him to keep talking to me…

She meets my gaze again, shaking her head. "No… I think I need to tell someone the whole story," she says in a whisper, her breath shaking on the few words.

It's only a few inches between her hand and mine but it still takes all the courage in my weathered soul to reach across the table and put my hand over hers. She starts a little at the contact but she quickly threads our fingers together and continues with the story.

"We were just supposed to hook up once but… we were both lonely so… whenever you and I weren't together, Blake and I would mess around at parties. We didn't think about getting pregnant, we were just… fooling around. Like you and I did," she whispers, her eyes falling closed as she lets out a soft breath.

I squeeze her hand in mine and she seems to draw some strength from the action, her eyes opening after a few seconds. I give her a nod, hoping it encourages her to keep going and she gives me a sad smile in response.

"I went looking for him at one party and I found him in my room… with Danny," she says, nodding when my eyes widen. "Apparently whenever you and I were together at parties, so were Blake and Danny."

Fuck. How long were they fucking each other before they started dating? Did Danny know that Blake was also fucking Paulina? How did I never notice him there with the football crowd? Shit, when did all of this get so goddamn complicated?

Paulina's talking again, her words garbled together in my head and not making any sense. She says something else about Blake – something about him freaking out when Paulina found him – but it barely makes any sense.

"… which is when his parents decided they needed to get involved. So you can imagine how great that conversation was. My mom on one side of me, her lawyer on the other side, his parents talking over everything Blake was trying to say and of course I-"

"What the fuck?" I breathe, meeting her gaze when she falls silent. She tilts her head to one side in question and I can only offer up a hesitant shrug. "Sorry, I… missed all of that. What was that about you… finding him with Danny?"

Paulina gives me a look like she gets exactly why I tuned out everything else she was saying. She shakes her head, gathering up our garbage and nods toward the trash can. "Come on, we'll talk on the way home."

I follow her over to the trash can, jamming my hands into my pockets as I wait for her to ditch everything. She slides her purse onto her shoulder and puts her jacket on again before she nods toward the door.

We walk side by side away from the food court and out of the mall, barely saying a word until we're outside. Paulina makes a face at the weather and pulls her jacket around her more tightly.

"All the colleges I've applied to are out west – I'm so over winter weather," Paulina grumbles, ducking her chin down inside her jacket collar with a sigh. She glares at me when I laugh, rolling her eyes as she looks away from me. "You suck, Baxter."

I bite back a hesitant smile, digging my keys from my pocket as we stop next to my car. I open the passenger door for her and she smirks, batting her eyelashes as she leans against the open door. "You're such a gentleman, Dash. I hope Danny realizes how lucky he is," she says with a shit-eating grin at the flush I can feel on my face.

"Shut up," I respond, pushing her toward the car. "J-Just get in so I can get rid of you."

Paulina tilts her head back in a laugh but she gets in the car and I close the door behind her. She grins at me from behind the glass and I roll my eyes before I start over to the other side of the car. I pause when I'm at my door, my gaze lifting to the night sky overhead and I wonder if Danny's looking at it right now too. I wonder if he's studying the stars or just casually looking out at them the way I am.

"Are you getting in or what?" Paulina asks, leaning across the drivers seat to tap on the window. When I drop my gaze to my car, she's grinning up at me. Like the conversation we're about to have isn't gonna be ugly one. Like it's not painful for her to dredge up all these ugly emotions. I don't know how she does it but Paulina wears her pain the way I've never been able to. She keeps a smile on her face and makes it look effortless.


We're almost a mile down the road from the mall when Paulina starts to talk again. She tells me the whole story – starting completely over again. She talks about the parties she and Blake would hook up at and how Blake acted after she found him with Danny. Her voice cracks when she tells me about reading the results of the pregnancy test alone in her bathroom in the middle of the night and I feel a lump in my own throat as I picture it how she's telling me. Her sitting on the floor of her bathroom, her chest heaving as sobs wrack her. The horror she must have felt when the test read positive.

I keep driving and she keeps talking – telling me how everything played out. She tells me that Blake didn't care when she told him that it was his baby and the waver in her voice is enough to make me want to knock that asshole's teeth in. I hate that he's fucked up not only Danny but Paulina too. She hasn't been the best person in the past but… she never deserved this shit.

Paulina composes herself in between telling me about skipping cheerleading practices as she tried to figure this out and retelling me the part about Danny. About how Blake threatened to tell everyone that she was pregnant if she didn't go along with him. If she didn't get the focus off of Blake by putting it on Danny instead. And the way she tells it – the picture she paints of Blake threatening her in person and over text and even going so far as to get himself invited to her house for dinner a few times… it makes me ache for her. And for a moment, a single second of time… I sympathize with her.

God, I understand why she did what she did. I get it now. It sucks and it was a shitty thing to do but I understand her now. And I feel like such an asshole for not getting it before. For not seeing that the Paulina I know would never have done that to someone if she'd had the choice. But Blake backed her into a corner and he made her do it. He's the one that deserves my anger.

Her story winds down the closer we get to Casper High and by the time I'm parked next to her Beetle, she's told me everything. About how her mom talked her into having an abortion and how Blake's parents found out about him anyway. Despite how hard he'd tried to keep it all a secret, his parents found out somehow and they sent him away. I know I should feel sorry for him – I know that I should see this part of the story the way Danny does. There's a part of me that can sympathize with the situation – that hates Blake's parents for doing this. And if it were someone other than Blake that went through this, I would feel every ounce of horror for them. But it's Blake and I don't have Danny's kindness. I can't forgive him that easily.

My engine is cooling the longer we sit and talk but neither of us make a move to leave. Because even though Paulina's story has come to an end, there's still so much left unsaid. So many questions I still have about this whole situation but I know I can't ask them all. So I slowly pick through them and wait as Paulina sorts out the answer each time.

"How long were you at the… camp?" I ask, too afraid to see the expression Paulina will make if I say the name. I can't imagine how alone Paulina must have felt after her mom talked her into doing what she did.

Paulina exhales out, turning her stare up to the roof of my car as she chews on her bottom lip. A strand of her hair falls loose from how she has it tied back and she tucks it behind her ear, my heart aching as she easily brushes away a tear I hadn't noticed before.

"Maybe six weeks?" she says more like a question, turning to look at me with a shrug. "I think my mom just wanted me gone for as long as possible. I guess she thought that as long as I was at a camp with a bunch of other girls, I wouldn't have the opportunity to get pregnant again."

She draws her feet up onto the passenger seat of my car and shrugs again, looping her arms around her shins. "She kept going on about how this would look to other people. What her women's group would say about it. What my dad would say about it… god, for so long she used to threaten to tell him to get me to do things she wanted me to." Paulina rolls her eyes, another sigh escaping her.

I can't imagine dealing with the shit that Paulina did. I can barely wrap my head around the whole situation and I can't even begin to understand how hard this was on her. Fuck, she had to keep this from everyone. I don't know if she's told anyone else but… I really hope I'm not the only one that knows this about her.

"Did you ever… tell anyone?" I ask softly, chewing on the inside of my lip with the question.

Paulina rests her head back against the seat, shaking it almost immediately. "Nope. Other than my mom, Blake and his parents, and unfortunately my dad now, you're the only one that knows."

Jeez… I couldn't imagine being in her position. And having to see Blake every school day since? Fuck, I'd have just quit school. I'd have left this town and never looked back. The fear of anyone finding out about my dad used to terrify me to the point that I couldn't sleep or eat. I can't even begin to think about how scared I would have been if it was me in Paulina's situation.

"Shit," I mumble, running a hand down my face with a heavy exhale. All this time… Paulina's been dealing with this shit alone. Her and Danny deserve some kind of fucking medal for dealing with Blake and his asshole tendencies. Shit, that's why they've been getting along so well recently. They both know what it feels like to deal with Blake. That makes perfect fucking sense, I should have seen it before now.

Paulina exhales heavily, shaking her head as she puts her feet on the floor again. "I should probably get going before my mom starts calling," she says, shrugging her jacket on again before she zips it closed. She leans over to grab her purse from the floor before she reaches for the door handle.

"Wait." I put my hand on her arm and she turns back to me, a soft 'hmm?' leaving her before I pull her into my arms. She exhales out, easily shifting closer to me and sliding her arms around my back. I turn my head just a little, pressing a kiss to her cheek and holding her tighter.

She leans in to my touch, holding me back just as tightly as a small shiver runs through her. She laughs softly, makes some joke about being cold, but I know better than that. This kind of cold isn't the type that sticks around in the winter only to vanish when the cold air gives way to the summer breeze. This is the same kind of cold I've known my whole life. And all this time… it's been living in Paulina's bones too. She's known the same kind of loneliness that has always been a part of me. Maybe that's why we never worked out in the past. How can we give part of ourselves away if we're not whole to begin with?


I don't really want to leave Paulina but her mom sends her a few text messages so I tell her goodnight and she gets out of my car. I watch her climb into her own car and she straightens the rearview mirror, clicking her seatbelt on, before she looks at me with a small wave.

She leaves the parking lot before me and though I put my key in the ignition again, I don't make a move to go home yet. My mind's running in a thousand different directions and home is the last thing on my mind. I feel like driving. Just covering ground until I run out of gas. Part of me just wants to hit the road and never stop. I just want to stay gone until winter break is here.

I'm not ready to leave Amity Park yet but that doesn't stop my mind from wondering. It doesn't stop my heart from aching for the day that this town will just be one of many in my rearview mirror on my way out of here.

The roads are empty as I make my way home but I still take the scenic route. I stop at every red light even though there's no one out driving this late. Every time I try to make sense of how this situation with Paulina spiraled out of control and how much Blake fucked up the two of them… it makes my heart ache even more. So I force myself to stop thinking about it. I shut out all of my thoughts and focus on driving. It's one of the only things in my life than can get my mind off shit like this. So I keep my wheels turning until the clock ticks just past midnight. When I see that number on my dashboard, I finally stop my aimless wandering and head toward home.

The house is dark when I pull into the driveway next to dad's car, killing my engine almost immediately. The cold quickly creeps in and I try to shake it off as I get out of my car but it cuts through my letterman jacket like it's paper.

I shiver on my way up the front walk, my breath hanging in the air as I get my keys from my pocket and let myself inside the house. The lights are off inside except for the one over the dining room table and I kick my shoes off before I make my way toward it.

It's too late to make myself anything to eat but I ate with Paulina hours ago so I search the pantry for something. I find a snack size package of Oreo's so I take that and grab a bottle of water from the fridge before I start out of the kitchen.

My gaze is on the cookie package when I round the corner of the dining room but I look up when I hear dad clear his throat.

He's standing at the bottom of the stairs, blocking my access to them, his arms crossed over his chest. I think my mouth hangs open for about two seconds before my heart remembers that things have been good between us.

"What's up?" I ask.

Dad raises an eyebrow at me, his expression some mix between disbelief and irritation. His gaze sweeps down my frame before he meets my stare again with a slight scoff. "Where the hell have you been?" he demands, like he's forgotten that he hasn't played the role of concerned father in about thirteen years.

I tear into the package of cookies with my teeth, propping the bottle of water against my arm. "I was at school. Then I hung out with Paulina for a while." I break off a piece of the cookie and cram it between my teeth, somehow managing to make eye contact with dad again. "Why?"

"What do you mean why?" dad asks, scoffing again when I raise an eyebrow. "Try to remember that I'm your father. I have a right to know where you've been and what you've been doing. Especially when you disappear for hours and don't tell me when you'll be back."

He's one to talk about disappearing. Ever since I was a kid, my dad has always been a part time magician. There for a while but the moment you blink, he disappears. And there's no telling when he'll show up again.

"I was at school, dad," I repeat, pushing the remainder of the cookie into my mouth. I break it up into smaller pieces with my teeth, swallowing a chunk before I speak again, trying to choose my words carefully. "You know… you could have texted me… to find out where I was."

Dad arches an eyebrow and I swallow a chunk of Oreo, shrugging a little before I return my attention to the cookies. I don't know why he's playing like he's worried about me – I can't figure out his angle tonight. Maybe I'm just too exhausted. Usually when he acts concerned about me, it's cause he wants to look good to certain people. But there's no one here except me and my loneliness.

I look up at him again, try to gauge something from his expression, but we just stare at each other. He looks like he's trying to curb his anger and I'm trying to pull back on my apathy. I just don't know how I'm supposed to care that he's concerned now of all times.

"I'm gonna go to bed," I say, stepping past him for the stairs. My foot lands on the first stair before dad grabs my arm, holding my gaze when I look at him over my shoulder.

Dad searches my expression but I don't know what he's looking for. His grip on my arm tightens until I can feel it almost bruising and he levels me with a glare that eradicates all of the apathy my glass heart was keeping trapped inside.

"You let me know next time you're going to be out late. Is that understood?" he asks, his voice low and gravelly, sending shivers through me.

I somehow manage to keep from swaying and I nod, swallowing down whatever's left of the Oreo in my mouth. His eyes narrow and he takes a step closer to me, his grip on my arm tightening again, forcing a small breath out of me.

"When I ask you a question, I expect an answer, Dash. Do you understand me?" he asks.

All of my courage is fleeing from my panic-soaked bones and I weakly nod, clearing the rust from my voice. "Y-Yes," I mumble, mentally swearing at myself for stammering. He shouldn't be able to affect me this way. I'm eighteen years old. It's not like I'm that scared five-year-old anymore. I'm old enough to handle this. But still… when he keeps glaring at me, it's hard to convince myself not to feel afraid.

"Yes, what?" he questions, his eyes narrowed into thin slits as he stares up at me.

If I had to give any advice about my dad, I'd say to expect the unexpected. My father isn't a predictable man by any means. He can go from cheering at a football game to breaking bottles and making his wife cower in a matter of minutes. His hands have bandaged my skinned knees and cracked my ribs. His voice has soothed me and terrified me. Dad never does what anyone expects him to and I think that's what scares me the most in situations like this. Even if I do everything right, even I try really fucking hard not to piss him off, his unpredictability will change the outcome. It decides whether I fall asleep bruised or not.

"Yes… sir," I say, my voice barely above a whisper as I drop my gaze from dad's. I haven't called him that in so long and he hasn't told me to. It's just another example of his unpredictability… but it doesn't feel random this time. The way he's acting tonight and his grip on my arm and his glare… none of it feels unpredictable to me. It feels more like a warning.


A/N:

I'm horrible, I know

Yooo, thanks for checking out this update! I know I say it a lot but it really does mean so much to see you guys coming back every update for more. I really hope you liked this one, it seemed to take FOREVER to edit this time around

Dash acting protective over Danny, huuuuuuh? How long have you guys been waiting for that? Seems like our quarterback is making up for lost time there ;p

What do you think of Kwan's situation? Do you think that this divorce is gonna be better or worse for him? Also, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to have more bromance scenes between these two, they're just the perfect friends, I swear

And speaking of that scene… originally, I did have Dash tell Kwan about Blake and Danny. But during edits, it just didn't fit. Maybe the Dash from the beginning of this story would have told Kwan that as soon as he learned about it, present Dash just doesn't feel like that person anymore. He knows how serious this whole mess is and he can't bring himself to tell someone when it's not his place to. I'd love to know what you think of the way that I handled it. Honestly, I've been debating about the changes I made so I'd love to know your thoughts

What do you think of Paulina's side of things? Does it change anything for you? Is she heartless in your eyes or just a victim of this whole thing too?

So… I'm dying to know what you think of the final scene. Whatever could Howard be warning Dash against? This is me so you know it's gonna be angsty as hell. I'd love to hear your guesses though ;p

I picked the title of this chapter from "If You're Not The One" by Daniel Bedingfield. You guys... it's so Dash, okay? The full lyric of what I chose is, "If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?" like... come on. That's so Dash. Another worthy lyric of him is, "Is there any way I can stay in your arms?" like Daaaash. Our boy has the most obvious crush in the world, I swear

Anyway, that about wraps it up for this chapter. Again, thank you so much for checking out this update. It's so encouraging that people want to come back month after month to read what I've written. This might just be a story about two boys that take their sweet time falling in love but I hope you know how much your support means. Truly, I appreciate each of you so much

I'll see you all next update!