From: Danny
You do realize you're being a nerd, right?
To: Danny
And here I thought you liked that in somebody ;p
From: Danny
Of course I do
When they're not using it against me, you loser
It's eleven-fifty on Wednesday when I start bugging Danny. I'm lying on my back in my bed, trying to keep from grinning at every text he sends me. And yeah, I'm feeling a little ballsy. The more texts I send that get a reaction out of him, the more confidence shoots through my veins and my texts get decidedly more flirty as we continue to banter.
To: Danny
At least I'm punctual
From: Danny
Staying awake until midnight just so you can be the first one to wish me a happy birthday isn't punctual, Dash
To: Danny
What? I'm sacrificing my sleep for you and this is what I get in response?
Rude
From: Danny
You barely sleep, this doesn't count
To: Danny
Ouch
I fight back another laugh and roll over onto one side, slowly typing out the message I've been waiting to send. Just as the clock ticks over to midnight, I send Danny a text, unable to keep the grin off my face.
To: Danny
Hey, Danny?
Happy Birthday ;p
From: Danny
Wow, I never saw that message coming
Nerd
Despite staying up just to text Danny, I'm dead to the world for a solid five hours before my alarm starts blaring at me. I turn it off almost as soon as it starts ringing and I'm up and dressed after only a few minutes of staring up at my ceiling.
My heart keeps up its nervous drumming as I gather my shit for school and head out the door before dad's even left his bedroom. But my heart isn't racing because of dad or anything to do with the shit that's between us again. This is the kind of nervous only Danny can make me.
I can't stop from grinning as I wait in line for coffee or the entire drive to school. I'm a nervous fucking wreck that can't stop smiling like a goddamn idiot but fuck it, I'm really happy. Cause I'm gonna see Danny and give him coffee and maybe convince myself that it's not too selfish to hug him just so I can catch the scent of him again.
I picked his gift out last night. It was one of those weird moments where Facebook gives you an ad for something you actually care about. Rare but in this case, it was a life saver. Danny's going to love what I got him… there's just a few small details left and as soon as I get the confirmation email, it's all gonna fall into place.
Danny's car is already parked near the front of the school when I pull up. For a second, I'm afraid that someone's dragged him inside already but when I park my car a few spaces down from his Equus, I see him in the front seat of his car.
I get out of my car, balance the two coffee cups as I slam the door closed, and make my way over to his car. He's talking on the phone, a small frown creasing his features and I debate just going back to my car and waiting for him to hang up. But he glances out his window and a smile takes over his face when he sees me.
He holds up one finger, and turns back to the conversation he's having, talking hurriedly. He's hanging up about five seconds later and climbing out of his car just as fast.
"That better be for me because the line at Starbucks was way too long for me to wait this morning," Danny says with a grin on his face, holding a hand out for one of the cups.
I extend it toward him but pull it away just as he reaches for it. He tilts his head to one side and I can't help but smirk. "What if I told you these were both for me?"
Danny rolls his eyes and reaches out for it again. "You can't tease me on my birthday," he insists, taking the cup from me before I have the chance to pull it away again. He sticks his tongue out before inhaling the scent of coffee. A slight flush takes over his face as he hesitantly glances up at me, a smile pulling at his mouth. "Thank you."
I shrug my shoulders, try to act casual about it, but I can't stop myself from grinning. Cause he looks so happy and I fucking love when he's happy. I duck my head as I inhale the scent of my own coffee, wondering if he notices how often I smile around him. If he notices how often I fucking cherish his smile.
"Coffee for birthday's… that's kinda gonna become our thing, isn't it?" Danny asks with a smile, lifting his cup to his mouth to take another sip.
I can only nod in response, my mind too busy dreaming up a thousand different ways I could kiss him to ever hope to manage a response.
Most of Thursday passes by in a blur. I'm too hopped up on adrenaline and my own nerves coursing through my veins to memorize every detail of the day. But the times when Danny's hand brushes my own or his touch lingers are the moments I commit to memory.
Over lunch and in the parking lot after school, my teammates, the cheerleaders, and some of our friends discuss tomorrow night's party with Danny. He gets everyone's phone number and promises to text out his address later.
Jeff and Star are the first to split away from the group and my teammates catcall after them. Paulina rolls her eyes and shares a look with Danny that I don't think I understand but… whatever. It doesn't matter. The time I spent with Paulina this week proves that.
It's not even a matter of putting this shit behind me for Danny's sake. It's about the girl I spent most of my high school life with. She's still the same girl I noticed in freshman year and a part of me will always belong to her. It's not her fault that Blake's an asshole and forced her to do what she did.
I hang back from the others as we leave for our cars, watching Danny from a distance. He and Paulina are still talking, and from the grin on Danny's face, I guess they're talking about the party tomorrow night.
"Could you be any more obvious?" Kwan asks, bumping his shoulder into mine as he passes by me. He sticks his tongue out when I look at him and he jerks his head toward Danny with a less than subtle wiggle of his eyebrows.
Danny glances our way but his stare doesn't linger. He's easily pulled back into the conversation he's having with Paulina and one of the other cheerleaders. I don't look their way for long, shooting a glare Kwan's way almost immediately.
My traitor of a best friend laughs quietly, giving me a sly grin before he's waving goodbye and heading toward his car. I watch him go before I make my way over to Danny's car. It shouldn't take too long before he'll head home and I wanna catch him before he does.
I lean against the trunk of Danny's Equus and slide my phone from my pocket when it dings.
The email I've been waiting on has arrived and it sends my heart racing. I can't fight the grin as I quickly open it. A picture of the dark sky with a million stars shining above fills my inbox and I carefully flick my gaze up toward Danny. He's still talking with Paulina, a wide grin playing up his features.
There were a million space themed gifts but that's not what my email confirmation says. Thank you for confirming your purchase as part of our Buy Your Loved One A Star package!
I don't know how the hell this works and I'll never admit how much I actually spent on this but… I did it last night. After all my endless searching, I couldn't think of anything that would make Danny happier. Paulina might give him a CD and his friends might send him some gift cards but… when I give him a fucking star, he'll have to realize how much he means to me.
There are a fuck ton of details in the webpage about how to print out my certificate of the star but Danny's starting away from Paulina and the rest of the cheerleaders. He's heading my way with a soft smile on his face so I put my phone away, chewing on the inside of my lip as I wait for him.
"The girls were asking me to help out with the decorations for the winter formal in January," Danny says as soon as he's close to me. He adjusts his backpack straps before he comes to lean against the trunk of his car with me, turning to me with a smile.
I can never think when Danny looks at me like that but I manage a smile of my own. "You uh… gonna help out? With the… decorations and stuff?" I ask, unable to hold Danny's gaze for too long. I'd almost forgotten about the holiday formal. I didn't go to it last year cause dad did a number on me. But maybe I'll go this year. And maybe… I could go with somebody...
Danny exhales, shrugging as he folds his arms across his chest. "I don't know. I'm a sucker for helping people so probably," he says, glancing at me with a grin. I return it but I don't get a chance to come up with anything to respond with before he pushes away from his car.
He runs a hand through his hair, glancing at his car with another shrug. "I don't know. Why not, right? The cheerleaders have basically accepted me as one of their own so."
I want to ask if he wants to go to the formal. And if he doesn't want to go alone. But my paper heart is struggling to hold back the flames of the fire I feel for him. I'm afraid that one step in his direction, one question, will cause my heart to burst and burn up into nothing. I don't want to miss my chance at holding his hand and placing kisses along his hairline but… I'm scared. That he'll say no. Scared that he'll say yes. And I don't know how to choke down either fear.
"It sounds like fun," I respond, pushing away from his car too. I shove my hands into my pockets and drop my stare down to the pavement beneath us, too scared to broach the topic of going to the formal just yet. "If you need any help picking up decorations or anything… let me know?"
Danny smiles, the simple expression somehow managing to make me believe that his every burden is a million times lighter. When he smiles like that, I don't see the boy that the world has damaged so much. I don't see the boy that Blake terrorized and I don't see the boy that could be hunted down by the government. I just see a boy. One I've fallen completely, hopelessly in love with.
From: Jeff
Can't wait to get waaaaasted tonight! Thank god Danny's birthday is right before finals. I'm taking advantage of my last weekend of freedom starting tonight!
To: Jeff
Try to remember that you're gonna need the brain cells you'll be killing tonight
Are you bringing a gift for him?
From: Jeff
Duh, I'm not a total loser
You think a Starbucks gift card is okay?
Cause Star got him some kind of bracelet thing?
I don't know what it was. She wouldn't let me attach my name too
So I'm up shit creek if a gift card won't work
To: Jeff
That should be fine
From: Jeff
What are you bringing him?
Aside from your undying love of course
To: Jeff
What the fuck?
I'm sitting in the back row of my history class on Friday, hiding my phone behind a stack of textbooks and trying really fucking hard not to blush. How the fuck does Jeff know? Or is he just fucking around and has no idea how close to the truth he actually is?
From: Jeff
Oh come on
Like I haven't noticed the way you stare at him like a lovesick puppy
Don't even try to deny it, Baxter
Kwan looks my way and gives me a questioning look at the expression on my face accompanied with the noise that's squeezed out of me at Jeff's latest response. I gesture to my phone, waiting until he pulls his out of his pocket before I send him a screenshot of the conversation with Jeff.
I fucking hate Kwan for snorting immediately and drawing attention to the both of us. Cause half of the fucking class turns around when our teacher calls on Kwan and I'm sure they can all see how red my face is. Including Jeff.
My face is on fire as I duck my head and continue doodling in my notebook, pretending I'm taking notes for this stupid class instead of internally combusting.
"Sorry, sir. It won't happen again," Kwan's saying while I'm busy trying not to die as I slowly tap out a response to Jeff.
To: Jeff
I don't know what the fuck you're getting at
Danny's my friend
I glare Kwan's way when I see him grinning at his screen again and send him a text that just says "fuck you". Which only makes him grin more. Am I that obvious? Has fucking everyone realized the way that I feel about Danny?
From: Jeff
Bro, you're crushing on him harder than I did on Star
I get it if you don't wanna talk about this shit cause I'm straight but like
There's no point in lying. I have eyes, Baxter
Fuck, I guess I am that obvious. I wonder who else has picked up on it. Alex and Anastasia had a fucking bet going cause of this. And Kwan probably picked up on it before I told him and even mom noticed when I brought Danny to her. Does everyone in my goddamn life know how I feel for him? Well… everyone except him.
Anxiety winds its way into my day as I get through my classes and start getting ready for the party. I text Danny and ask if it's okay if I come by his place early, offering to help him set up for the night. I guess he thinks I need the time away from dad or something cause his response is immediate, telling me that I'm welcome to show up whenever.
I spend half a fucking decade picking out what I want to wear tonight but I finally settle on a light blue, long-sleeved t-shirt that Paulina bought me last year. She said it reminded her of my eyes. I hope it reminds Danny of the same.
Even though Danny sent out a group text message last night, telling everyone to start showing up around eight-thirty or so, I'm ready just after six. So I text him to let him know that I'm on my way and I grab my jacket before I'm headed out of my house.
The radio is playing softly as I drive to Danny's house and I don't bother to change the station. A few softer songs come on, ones that remind me of the way my chest squeezes whenever he's near, but I let them play through. I try to sort out the mess that's in my head, try to figure out when I'm going to tell him how much I care about him. I've waited so damn long to tell him because I've been scared of pushing him away. And the longer I think about the way I feel for him, the more I have to accept what I've known for a long time now.
If I never say the things that my paper heart is bursting to tell him, then he'll never know how much I care for him. How much I long to hold him in my arms and cradle him against my chest when he starts to panic. How much I want to press kisses along his hairline. He has to know. Tonight. I have to tell Danny the way that I feel tonight.
To say I'm nervous is an understatement. It wouldn't convey how my fingers tremble around my steering wheel as I coast my car to a stop at the edge of his driveway. It wouldn't be telling of how many times I've pulled my visor down just to check my reflection in the mirror. Saying that I'm nervous doesn't speak volumes of the way I leave my car and stop myself before I make it halfway up his driveway. It doesn't show how I went back to my car pretending that I've forgotten something when in reality, the only thing I've forgotten is how to have courage. How to pretend to be normal around Danny. This is his party. And I'm making it about myself again.
I find unsteady courage in my nerve-riddled bones and I draw upon every ounce of it as I climb the few stairs up to his front door. I breathe out heavily once – twice – before I'm able to lift my hand and press the doorbell, listening to the faint jingle it makes on the inside.
Every time I've been to Danny's house, it's either been him or his dad that's answered the door. But Danny doesn't answer the door today. He just calls out for me to come in. That the door's open. He left his fucking door open for me.
I shakily push the door open, twisting the knob with one hand, before I step inside his house. Faint music is playing from somewhere deeper in the house but I can hear Danny humming along as his footsteps start toward me.
He rounds the corner into the foyer as I push the door closed and lean back against it, watching him. Wanting him. In his worn out, ripped jeans and a tattered, paint-stained t-shirt, he's more irresistible to me than anyone.
Danny tilts his head to one side, watching me carefully. Hesitantly. Like he's worried how I'll react if he takes a single step toward me. God, my heart is ready to burst from the way he's looking at me. Cause he looks concerned and I'm not worthy of that look from him.
"What's wrong?" Danny asks softly, taking a step toward me.
I can't tell him. Not now. Not yet. Before the night is up, he'll know how much I ache for him to be mine but he can't know yet. I haven't found enough courage between my bruised ribs and paper heart to ignite even the smallest words of affection to form on my tongue. I'm nowhere close to telling him. But I'll get there. I'll get there tonight.
"Nothing," I say, pushing away from the door and offering up a smile. He doesn't look convinced but I don't need him to be. I just need to help him set up for the party and give him time to celebrate before I ask him to be mine. To be the one that I call in the middle of the night because I just want to hear his voice. To be the one that I talk to about my future. The one who'll be my future.
Danny gives me a look like he calls bullshit but he tells me to follow him and I can only do as he asks. I climb the staircase behind him and follow into his room, keeping distance between us only because I know I won't be able to stop myself from touching him if we're too close.
"I'm trying to figure out what to wear," he mumbles, stopping in front of his dresser and opening the first drawer.
I shouldn't be this comfortable in his room but I easily cross the room to his bed and collapse onto it, giving him a grin when he looks my way. "What do you mean? What's wrong with what you're wearing now?"
Danny rolls his eyes, pushing the drawer closed again and taking a step toward me. "Shut up," he says, sticking his tongue out. "Help me pick something out?"
He nudges my knee with his, before he crosses over to his closet. He chews on his lower lip before reaching into his closet and pulling out a dark blue t-shirt with little white dots printed over it. He looks it over before pulling out a striped polo and frowning as he glances between the two. He turns back to me, holding them both. "Which one do you think I'll look better in?"
I think Danny could walk out of here wearing a fucking trash bag and I'd still find him sexy. Heat rushes through me at that thought and I'm ashamed to realize that most of that heat floods downward. I roughly exhale and try to think about something other than what my body so clearly wants me to.
"I uh… I think they both look pretty good," I say, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip when he gives me a look. There's no denying what he's able to do to me just from a single look but I try to pretend that I'm not blushing right now.
Danny exhales softly, looking between them again before he puts them both back in the closet. "I've been trying to decide all day and I have no idea what to wear," he says, chewing on his bottom lip as he looks at his clothing options again. A small frown creases his brows and I think I'd do just about anything to ease that expression from his face.
"Hey, relax. You could pull off anything, Danny," I say, smiling when he looks at me.
He manages to hold my gaze for all of three seconds before he looks away with a heavy sigh. "No, Dash, I can't. This isn't… it's not like I'm going to school or like I'm just hanging out with my friends. This is… a big deal," he says, another sigh leaving him as he looks back at me. "This is my first time hosting a party, Dash. I… want to make a good impression."
I didn't think that this kind of thing would be important to Danny. Worrying about what other people think seems like something I'd do, not him. But… maybe this isn't about just anybody. Maybe it's about the ones he still feels like he has something to prove to. Maybe it's about showing Blake that he's doing better than he actually is. Maybe it's about hanging out with the cheerleaders and letting everything go… even though he doesn't owe them his forgiveness or kindness. Maybe it's about shutting a door on everything that was and opening the door to everything that is.
"Here, let me see," I say, stepping past Danny to look at the options we've got.
Danny's closet is full of space themed t-shirts and long-sleeved button-ups that his parents probably got for him but… he doesn't have anything that immediately says party. And if he wants to make a good impression hosting one, he's asked the right person. I'm a master in the art of making myself look good when life is shit and letting everyone think that I'm having the time of my life when I just want to be alone. I'll make Danny into the kind of host that everyone here tonight will remember.
"Stop fidgeting with it. You look fine."
"Are you sure? Don't you think this looks a little…"
"No. You look fine."
"But-"
"Danny."
He sighs heavily, giving me a look before he glances over his reflection again in the bathroom mirror. I picked out a pair of jeans from the back of the closet that fit him better than the ones he usually wears and though he complained at first, I convinced him to at least put them on. I paired them with a dark blue and red striped pocket t-shirt. Nice enough to pass for the host of the party but casual enough to look like he doesn't care what he looks like. It'll just be our secret that he really does care.
Danny self-consciously pulls at his t-shirt, frowning at the way it hangs off his frame. I want to tell him that it doesn't matter what he wears – he'd still look a million times better than anyone that comes through his door tonight – but now's not the right time. Even though we're alone and my heart is pounding and I'm bursting to tell him… I have something more important to do.
"I know that I'll see you again this weekend for the surprise I'm putting together but… I got you a present," I say, watching as Danny turns away from the mirror to look at me. He raises his eyebrows in question and I duck my head, digging it from my pocket.
I present a small, wrapped box to him. He exhales softly, his hand trembling as he reaches to take it from me. To say that I don't know why my heart is pounding would be a lie. Danny's the one making it beat harder than it has to. It's misplaced in this moment but aren't all of my reactions?
Danny tears the wrapping paper off delicately – like he's trying to preserve my wrapping job. I want to tell him just to rip into it already because his every move is making me want to kiss him. But I know I'll still feel that way even after he puts the present down.
"Open it already, will you?" I say breathlessly, a faint laugh escaping me.
He looks up at me again, rolling his eyes but he's smiling. "Someone's impatient. I thought this was supposed to be my present." He drops his gaze back to the box and tears the last bit of wrapping, sliding the box out.
I can hardly breathe as he lifts the lid off the box and he leaves me waiting in silence. He lifts the green and black circular charm out of the box and squints at it, tilting his head to one side as he tries to figure out what it is.
"I know it's probably a gimmick but… I saw this woman selling those at the mall the other day. She claimed they worked as protection against evil spirits." I swallow hard, watching his expression to gauge his reaction. "I know you have your tattoo but… when I saw this, I thought of you and I couldn't leave it behind. Even if it is a gimmick, I thought you'd get a kick out of it."
Danny meets my gaze again, a faint smile turning up his lips. "I love it, Dash. I'll put on my keychain a-and… I know I'll think of you whenever I see it."
I'm pretty sure my heart stops with the look he's giving me. He hesitates a second before he pulls me into his arms, resting his chin on my shoulder with a soft sigh. I fit my arms around him and he relaxes into my touch.
There's no denying how well Danny fits against my chest. There's no denying that my heart is pounding at his touch. But I don't want to deny it. I want him to know that my heart is pounding because of him. For him. Because I want him so badly, the ache rings in my bones long after I've gone away from him.
"Thank you… for coming tonight," Danny says, pulling away from me too soon. He gives me a smile that I return, even though I want nothing more than to tug him back into my arms and keep holding him. Soon. He'll know of how much I long to touch him soon.
I'm almost finished setting up the last table in the backyard when the doorbell rings. Danny's inside with the stereo and I watch him from the open back door. He adjusts the volume dial a final time before he straightens his shirt and heads for the front door.
Even though he doesn't need me to follow after him, I do anyway. I'm finished with the table and I'd rather hang around inside and make sure that Danny doesn't need any help greeting people.
I wander closer to the foyer and watch as Danny peeks out the front window before sighing heavily. He seems even more nervous than he was upstairs and this kind of thing will only get worse the longer the night wears on. He needs to relax now if he wants to make a good impression.
"Hey," I whisper from my place at the edge of the foyer. Danny turns back to me, relief flooding his expression. I nod toward the door, keeping my voice low as I talk. "Who is it at the door?"
Danny exhales softly, glancing back once at the closed door before he takes a step closer to me. "Jeff and Star. I thought some of the other cheerleaders would be with them but… I think it's just the two of them," he says, his own voice soft on the words.
I chew on the inside of my lip, taking a step closer to the door before I nod toward it again. "You want me to get this for you? Show you how to handle it at a party?"
Relief floods Danny's expression again and he quickly nods.
"You have to act like you don't care about any of this," I say, smiling when he tilts his head to one side. "You have to pretend like you're not nervous and eventually, you won't be anymore."
"So… basically put on false confidence?" he asks, his eyes lighting up when I nod. "Okay… show me how?"
I give him a wink. "Of course." He hangs back while I head for the door. Just before I put my hand on the knob, I turn back to look at him. "First step, pretend like whatever you were just doing was way more important than opening the damn door."
Danny's watching me as I turn back to the door and for some reason, it elicits this electricity in my veins. I roll my shoulders and let out a breath before I paste a grin on my face and open the door with a fake laugh, glancing back at Danny as though he said something hilarious before I turn to face the two at the door.
"Hey guys, come on in," I say, a ton of fake energy interjected into my words. The music Danny's put on is helping set the scene and I let it push me more. Like I do at my own parties. I clap Jeff on the back and give Star a smile as she steps inside. "You guys ready to get drunk and hate yourself tomorrow?"
Jeff gives me a grin, shooting me a thumbs up and I respond with a laugh before I turn back to Danny. He's just silently watching from the edge of the foyer so I subtly wander closer to him, telling Jeff that I'll show him where the alcohol is in a second. As I come to a casual stop in front of Danny, I drop my voice, speaking quickly. "Show them where they can put their jackets."
Danny's face pales for a split second but I put my hand on his arm and whisper that he's got this and he relaxes. I step away from him, shooting Jeff a grin. "I'm gonna turn the music up. Come find me when you're ready to down a shot with me."
Jeff is still grinning but he looks back at Danny when he starts telling them about where they can put their jackets. The three of them leave the foyer together and I move back into the living room, looking through the selection of music Danny's laid out for the night.
I flip between CD's, letting the start of a pop track play out before I switch the song again. Overall, Danny's picked a pretty good lineup for the night and knowing my teammates and friends, there's enough alcohol that they won't care what music is playing.
Danny's talking softly just outside the living room so I leave to join the conversation. He turns to look at me when I step out into the hall and I offer a smile in response, glancing past him at Star. "Where'd Jeff go?"
"In search of alcohol," she says, rolling her eyes with a smile. "You know how Jeff is at parties."
Out of my teammates, Jeff's the one I know the best aside from Kwan. And he never wastes an opportunity to get drunk. He's always been a bit of a lightweight but he still manages to put away more alcohol than I usually have at these kind of parties.
"Cool, I'll go find him," I tell Star, giving her and Danny a smile before I leave in search of Jeff. Danny had me set up a couple of tables in the backyard and tie balloons to the columns leading down from his house into the backyard and I straighten one of the balloon bundles before I start down into the yard.
Danny's filled the tables with alcohol and put floating lights in the pool and I gotta admit – his backyard looks fucking great for this party.
There's more of a selection of alcohol here than at the parties Paulina's thrown in the past. Danny told me that his parents have an impressive liquor cabinet and there's no denying it now. He said something about people giving his parents alcohol as gifts but he didn't touch on the subject for long.
Jeff's standing near the pool, gazing down at the water, a red solo cup in his hand. He shivers as wind rolls through the backyard, whipping his sleeves around for a second or two. When the wind calms again, he takes a small sip from his cup and I cross the yard to where he's standing.
He looks up when I near him and he nods at me, dropping his gaze back to his cup as he swirls the liquid inside.
Standing out here reminds me of the day I found out what Blake had done to Danny. It reminds me of the way Danny held onto me so tightly I thought my heart was going to burst. Thinking about that day doesn't exactly put me in the mood for a party so I push it to the back of my mind and nudge Jeff with my elbow.
"You abandoned your girlfriend inside, y'know. Your love of alcohol trumping your love of women lately, Jeff?" I tease, flashing him a broad smirk when he looks up at me again.
Jeff grins in response, rolling his eyes before he lifts his cup to his mouth and drains the remainder in three long swallows. "Nah," he says, swapping the empty cup between hands for a second before he lets out a breath. "She said something about talking to Danny so… just giving them some space."
I look back at Danny's house over my shoulder, wondering what the hell he means. I saw them talking when we partied at the beach and Danny said that the cheerleaders have basically accepted him but… I wonder what Star wants from him.
"Any idea what they're talking about?" I ask, turning back to Jeff who just shrugs.
He stares down into his cup again before he sighs, wandering over to one of the trashcans Danny's set outside. He ditches the cup inside and glances at the house again before he walks back to where I'm standing.
"You think Danny would be cool if I went for a swim before everybody starts showing up?" he asks, already stripping his jacket off before I've even had time to consider what he's saying.
"Dude, it's December. The water's probably freezing," I say, frowning as he continues kicking his shoes off, not acknowledging me beyond a shrug. "Are you seriously going to swim in your boxers?"
He shrugs again and shoves his jeans down to his ankles. "Find me a towel inside, will you?"
Jeff used to be on the swim team in sophomore year. He worked it out with Coach and somehow balanced it with playing for the Ravens. But he quit swimming after the season closed out in sophomore year. He's never really hidden the fact that he still loves to swim but he's never been the kind of guy to just randomly jump into somebody's pool in the middle of December.
"Sure… I guess," I respond, starting for the house as Jeff continues to strip down in the middle of Danny's backyard. This isn't like Jeff. He loves parties and alcohol more than anything. He still swims in the summertime but… in an outside pool in the dead of winter?
I call Danny's name as soon as I step inside his house and I only get a few paces in before Danny appears at the end of the hallway. He raises his eyebrows in question and I let out a breath, glancing over my shoulder.
"Do you have a towel I can give Jeff?" I ask, folding my arms over my chest as Danny draws his eyebrows down. "He wants to go for a swim. He apparently doesn't care that it's freezing out right now. And has-" I look over my shoulder again to check. "-already stripped down to his boxers."
Danny frowns, blinking slowly before he shrugs. "Sure, there are towels in the bathroom, just behind you." He nods toward it, chewing on the inside of his lip. "If he needs to borrow some dry clothes later let me know."
"Yeah, if he doesn't catch his death of a cold," I mutter under my breath, turning back for the door but stopping when Danny snorts. I turn back to look at him and Danny hides his smirk behind his hand, pretending to cough as another laugh leaves him. "What's so funny?"
He shakes his head, biting back another laugh as he drops his hand back to his side with a shrug. "Nothing, it's just… you sound like an old man, not eighteen."
I roll my eyes. "I'm gonna go make sure Jeff doesn't catch pneumonia. You enjoy making fun of me in here," I say, pretending that his laugh isn't doing more to me than I'm willing to admit.
Jeff looks up when he hears me on the grass and I shrug when I come to a stop a few paces from him, tossing the towel his way. "Here. Try not to die from the cold."
"Sweet," Jeff says, dropping the towel on the grass before turning back to the pool. He rolls his shoulders a few times before he straightens his posture and dives into the water from a running start. I watch the water ripple as he swims beneath it, only breaking his stride to come up for air.
I watch him for a few seconds before I sink down onto the grass, pulling my phone out of my pocket. It's only a quarter past seven but knowing the rest of my teammates, they'll probably show up early too.
Jeff comes up for air, swimming over to me and clinging to the side of the pool with a shaky breath but a grin. "D-Dude… I think m-my nuts are gonna f-fall off," he stutters, his breath hanging in the air as he exhales again.
"What did you think swimming in a pool in the middle of December was gonna feel like?" I respond, rolling my eyes when he laughs. "Just so you know, none of us are willing to sew anything back on if it falls off."
He laughs again, bobbing his head in a nod. "That's fair." He leans back, floating on the water with only his head and chest above the surface. He lets his eyes fall closed and doesn't stir even when the wind blows again.
I pull handfuls of grass from the ground and sprinkle them across the yard again, looking up to watch Jeff every now and then. He keeps his head tilted back, the water resting just past his hairline on his forehead, his eyes still closed. He lazily drifts from one end of the pool to the other and back again, his breaths slow and measured in time with his movements.
"If you die because of this, what do you want us to tell Star?" I ask, disturbing the quiet peace that has fallen over the two of us.
Jeff blinks an eye open, sighing heavily before he stops floating. He puts his feet on the bottom of the pool and wades over to me. "I'm not gonna die, Baxter," he says, leaning against the side of the pool.
He won't look my way and it sends off a warning bell in my mind. Jeff doesn't avoid my gaze unless he's got something to hide. He's the kind of person that'll crack under the slightest bit of pressure and if you look in his eyes, everything spills from him.
"Something wrong?" I ask, trying to sound conversational.
"Nope." He heaves himself out of the pool and collapses onto the pavement just beside it, his head resting on the grass next to my feet. "You're not… gonna get rid of me that easily," he pants out, a shiver rocking through him. He spreads his arms wide either side of him, staring up at the stars that have begun to dot the night sky.
I lift my gaze to the sky, stare where Jeff is, but I look down again when he sits up. He exhales heavily again, shuffling over to where he left the towel. Jeff makes a face as the wind blows and another shiver races through him.
"You want another towel?" I ask, and Jeff looks up at me with a shrug. I deposit my last handful of grass onto a patch next to me before I stand too, brushing my hands down my jeans and grabbing my phone from the grass.
I head inside, getting lost on my way to the bathroom this time. I remember it being just past the stairs but… I've forgotten which door it's behind.
Danny's standing in the kitchen when I step into the entryway, completely turned around on where the hell the bathroom is. His expression is serious as he intently listens to whatever Star's telling him in a hushed whisper. I don't want to interrupt them and I try to backtrack but Danny catches sight of me hovering in the doorway.
He raises an eyebrow in question and Star looks away from me. But not before I catch sight of the tears in her eyes that she's desperately trying to fight back. Fuck, why is she crying?
"Yes?" Danny asks, turning toward me more as his eyebrows draw down in concern. I dart my gaze between him and Star but she won't look at me again. And Danny's expression offers nothing for an explanation.
"I uh… I lost my way to the bathroom. I'm… looking for another towel for Jeff. He's done freezing his ass off for now," I say, trying to inject as much humor into my words as possible. Maybe push Star away from the threat of tears building in her eyes.
Danny nods, glancing at Star before he looks at me. "I'll show you," he says, touching Star's arm with the tips of his fingers and speaking softly. "I'll be right back."
Star nods as she slowly eases her phone from her pocket, not looking up at either of us. Danny starts out of the kitchen and I cast a final glance back at Star before I follow him. He's quiet as we walk, clearly in deep thought about whatever conversation he's in the middle of with Star.
I trail after Danny to the right door. He turns the light on over the sink and bends down to pick out a towel, the back of his shirt riding up just a little. Despite my teammate standing half-naked in the backyard, probably freezing his balls off and Star in the kitchen, holding back tears… the sight of Danny's skin still causes my heart to race.
Danny turns around, holding the towel out toward me. "Does he need to borrow a pair of boxers?" he asks.
I glance past him, where the back door is, and slowly shake my head. I meet his gaze again, letting out a breath in the quiet. "Maybe..."
"Okay." He cuts the light out in the bathroom and steps out into the hall with me, pulling the bathroom door closed behind him. He nods at a door down the hall and I'm quick to follow after him.
He leads me over to a small laundry room and I hover in the doorway as he rummages through the contents of the dryer. He comes back with a white pair that makes me imagine what he looks like in them. The thought sends a heat down south and I know color explodes across my face.
I cough once to disturb the way my chest is tightening with every passing second. Danny cuts the light out and I step back to let him out of the laundry room. He pulls the door shut behind him and holds the pair out to me. "Tell him to put his wet boxers here in the laundry room and I'll wash them tomorrow."
His fingers brush by mine as I take the boxers and it makes my heart flutter like I've got even the ghost of a chance right now. Silence descends between us for a few seconds but he looks up at me with a small smile. "I'll see you later."
I catch his arm before he can walk away from me and he meets my gaze. "Danny… what's going on? Why is Star crying?" I question, frowning when he tugs his arm from my grip.
Danny lets out a shaky breath, chewing on his lower lip as he drops his gaze from mine. He slowly shakes his head, running his hand down his face as another breath leaves him. "Dash, she's…" He meets my gaze again before shaking his head more firmly this time. "Just go… take care of Jeff, okay?" he asks, squeezing my hand in his own before he leaves the hallway, not giving me the option to stop him again.
He quickly goes back to the kitchen and I hover in the hallway, listening to the gentle way he speaks to Star. I don't catch what he says as I start for the back door again but I recognize the consoling tone to his voice – he's used it enough times for me to have it memorized by now. I don't doubt that Danny's completely capable of consoling anyone. The question is… why would he need to console Star?
Jeff is appropriately grateful when I hand off the second towel and he promises to grovel at Danny's feet for the boxers. I stare out at the pool as Jeff strips out of his boxers and flings them onto the grass, quickly stepping into the borrowed pair as he continues to pat his skin dry with the towel.
"Dude, that water's fucking freezing but man. I forgot how much I love being in it," he says, staring out at the water dreamily. Like he's thinking of jumping back in again. He almost looks like he's warring with himself about getting back in but the wind blows around us and he makes up his mind.
He pulls his jeans on, shivering as the wind whips around the two of us. He's quiet as he dresses, drying off his hair with one end of the towel, keeping the other end looped around his neck. He keeps his stare low – not exactly on the ground but not high enough to risk meeting my gaze.
"Star's upset," I say, watching my teammate freeze as the words leave my tongue. He stays frozen for maybe a split second before he lets out a low breath, dropping the towel from around his neck and pulling his shirt on.
I watch him shrug his jacket on and pull his socks on over his feet but that's as long as I can stand the silence.
"What's going on?" I ask and Jeff sighs heavily. He turns his gaze to the sky, watching the stars above like they hold the answer to my question. Like they'll tell me why Star's inside crying and he's standing outside talking with me. Why he was swimming laps in the dead of winter while his girlfriend stood in the kitchen talking with Danny in a hushed voice.
Jeff flicks his gaze back and forth across the night sky – like he's looking for something – but I know the answers aren't in the stars. He's not fidgeting like I was expecting him to be at this point and he doesn't look even a little annoyed that I've asked. But he still doesn't answer me.
He doesn't lift his gaze from the sky above us, staying so quiet that I'm sure he's ignoring me. But he swallows hard and says two soft words that barely make it off the tip of his stuttering tongue. But they leave his mouth and I hear them clearly. And a cold shock runs through me.
"Star's pregnant."
Fuck. Hell, no wonder Jeff's been so quiet. And Star… god, poor Star. Standing in the kitchen with Danny, fighting back tears. And Jeff's standing out here with me and he's talking but he still won't look at me.
"Found out a couple weeks back. Haven't really told anyone but… she said she wanted to tell Danny tonight so. We came around early," he says, his voice soft. Like he's afraid to say too much or to say it too loud. As if someone could overhear. But it's just me standing out here in the backyard with him and I won't tell another soul.
Jeff disturbs the quiet again with another exhale, bending down to tie his shoes as he lets the towel drop to the ground. He kneels on the grass and I watch him tie his shoes, his hands quickly flicking one lace over the other.
Inside the house, I can hear the doorbell ring but standing with Jeff… I could hear a pin drop. He stands from the grass, gathering up his wet boxers with the towel and rolling them both into a ball that he tucks under his arm. A heavy breath leaves him and his gaze finally drifts over to meet mine.
"Goes without saying but… don't mention this to anyone yet, huh? We're not… sure how to tell our parents," he says softly, dropping his gaze from mine.
I want to tell him that I get it more than anyone. That I know what it's like to find out you're about to have a kid when you're still one yourself. I want to tell him that his racing thoughts, his pounding heart, his worries and fears… I get all of it. But to tell him any of that wouldn't just affect me. I'd be outing Paulina too. And it's not like it's the same, anyway. This is Jeff's kid and Paulina… was never really pregnant with mine.
"If you need… anything… let me know, okay? I mean it, Jeff. Anything," I say, taking a step closer to put my hand on his shoulder. He nods his head in response but I don't think he's hearing me. "It's going to be okay. Whatever you two decide to do… it'll be okay."
He exhales out heavily, nodding again before he glances toward the back door. I look where he is and we both watch a figure draw closer to us for a few seconds before Jeff pulls away from me. He returns his stare to the night sky and I give him space, only having to look at the dark figure behind us once before I realize who it is.
Blake saunters to a stop next to us, nudging me with his elbow. "What's up, Baxter?"
I set my jaw and let out a breath through my nose before I find the strength to respond. "Just waiting on everybody else to show up," I manage to spit from between my nearly clenched teeth. Why'd you have to invite him, Danny?
"This party could really use some alcohol to get shit going. Why aren't you two drinking yet?" Blake asks with a short laugh, his voice grating and hard for me to take. Fuck, I can't stand hearing a word he says. And when he claps a hand on my back, I react like he's shocked me.
Jeff gives me a side long glance when I practically jump out of touching range but Blake doesn't even acknowledge it. He just starts reminiscing on his glory days of beer pong when he first started playing for the Ravens. He mentions wanting to start a game tonight and jokes that he can beat my record but I don't want to play a stupid game with him. I don't want to be around him at all.
"I'm driving tonight so… I'm not playing with you," I say, my tone harsher and more brutal than I intended it to be. But I couldn't give a fuck if he picks up on it or not. "Find someone else."
Blake gives me a look but shrugs after a split second. "Maybe I can convince Keith to play. Hell, maybe even Dale would be up for a game or two. He was the reigning beer pong champ in our sophomore year before you. Remember that? He got Mitch so drunk that night – he could barely stand he was so wasted. Such a lightweight." Blake laughs softly, nudging me with his elbow again. "Maybe Dale was doing it on purpose, huh? Wouldn't put it past him to get Mitch drunk enough so he could fool around. Guess it's hard for someone like him to find a willing partner in a town like this." He snorts and that laugh snaps something in me. Cause it's not like he's enjoying the memory of our team getting drunk together. He's laughing at Mitch and Dale. Because they've got balls enough to come out of the closet while he's too pathetic to keep his bruising hands off Danny. Fuck. I should have been inside. I should have been the one to answer the door so Danny didn't have to. I can't imagine the shock that must have run through his system when he saw Blake on the other side.
Blake nudges me a final time and I lose it.
"I really don't care about the stupid game. And I'm not interested in a trip down memory lane so just… can it, will you?" I snap back, watching Jeff's eyebrows rise on his forehead. He briefly flicks his gaze toward Blake but his stare quickly returns to studying me.
Blake scoffs, rolling his eyes when I manage to shift my cold gaze from the ground to my teammate. "You know what, Baxter? Whatever. I don't fucking care if you wanna be miserable all night. I plan on getting wasted and not giving a fuck about anything. And if you're not down with that then whatever. I'm so tired of your bullshit."
He storms away from us like the hothead he'll always be. And I have to fight against everything in me to keep from following after him and introducing his face to my knuckles. He deserves far worse than what I can deliver.
"Damn." Jeff whistles softly and I manage to look back at him despite the anger brewing in my gut. He quirks one side of his mouth upward, a grin quickly breaking up his expression. "I know better than anyone how annoying Blake is – especially at parties – but… gotta say, that was an intense reaction, Dash."
After everything Blake's done to the people I care about, my reaction will never be enough. Until his skull is caved in from my aching knuckles and until the people he's hurt can breathe easier, my sharp words and biting tone will never be enough.
"I can't stand him," I spit, shaking my head as Jeff laugh softly. "No. I don't mean at parties or just tonight or fucking…" I breathe out, trying to get my hammering heart and shaky lungs to calm down long enough to let me speak. "He's not the person I thought he was, Jeff. He's not… who any of us thought he was. And he's… it's just… I can't explain it."
There aren't words to convey the things that Blake has done and I know that no matter what I'm able to spit out, it won't make sense. It won't impact Jeff the way it has me because I can't tell him everything. I can say how Blake's been an ass to me in the past but that shit is forgettable. That's the kind of shit you get a beer with someone and forget about. But this… the things he did to Danny and how he blackmailed Paulina into doing what she did… it's unforgiveable. And no amount of alcohol will ever fix the evil that Blake inflicted on two of the most important people in my life.
"You don't need to explain it. It's cool man," Jeff says, leaning over to slug me on the arm. He shrugs, another smile pulling at his expression.
I expect him to ask why – or maybe to say that my reaction was too much. That no matter the reasoning, I should back off Blake cause we share a team or because we're at a party or because of something. But Jeff doesn't tell me to back off and when he claps me on the shoulder, I think it's more comforting than he intended it to be. I don't know if he'll ever understand the way that I want him to but... I think that if this shit ever comes out, Jeff will choose to be on my side instead of Blake's.
Jeff and I sit on the grass by the pool, taking turns reminding each other of insane shit we got up to this time last year. Keith shows up to the party and joins me and Jeff outside and the talk shifts more toward current events. Mainly the holiday formal in January.
"Star's been obsessed with it since her and the girls started planning the theme and the decorations a couple weeks ago," he says, leaning back on his hands and tilting his face up toward the sky. His eyes are closed and a soft smile is pulling at face. I wonder if that expression is for show. Because it's not just me he's talking to anymore – Keith's here too. And he doesn't know the things Jeff's told me.
Keith exhales out, darting a nervous glance my way too before he speaks softly. "I've been… thinking about going. But I don't know if I can convince the guy I'm interested in to go with me…"
Jeff blinks, his carefree expression slipping away. He hesitates in silence for a few seconds before he looks at Keith, who nervously drums his fingers against his thighs, another quiet breath leaving him.
"Which guy?" Jeff asks, as casually as he can given the situation.
Keith looks relieved that he doesn't have to go through the whole "you're gay?" conversation and that relief comes out as his whole posture relaxes. He fidgets nervously again for a split second before he looks at Jeff. "Um… Kwan."
Jeff's eyebrows rise on his forehead before a grin stretches across his face. "Really? Aw fuck man, you guys are… shit, you guys would be adorable together. You should match ties at the formal, he'd say it's corny but you know he'd really love it."
"I still have to ask him to go, Jeff," Keith responds, a short laugh leaving him when Jeff shrugs.
I can see the tension ease from Keith almost immediately. Like telling another person about his crush on Kwan is the only thing that weighs on his mind. When in reality, there's so much shit weighing on him, I'm surprised he's even here tonight. But I guess even Keith has to have these simple, high-school problems. Cause maybe talking about who he's crushing on is his way of forgetting about everything else. Kind of like the way thinking about Danny keeps me from thinking about anything else.
I'm gonna take Keith's approach to this party. I'm not gonna think about the other shit I have to deal with and I'm not gonna let Blake weigh on my mind either. I'm gonna chill out with my friends and not worry about anything. With the holidays coming up and every other crazy thing in my life, who knows when I'll get a chance like this again?
People show up non-stop for hours. Every time someone rings the doorbell, I'm surprised at just how many people are standing outside. I didn't think that Danny invited this many people but apparently, he wanted his first time hosting a party to be a success.
My teammates take photos with each other, sending some to their friends on Snapchat or uploading them to Facebook or somewhere else. Kwan manages to get me in on a photo with him and Keith but as a whole, I hang back from the pictures. I pay attention to Danny instead.
He's playing the part of host perfectly and though most of the people here have already gone through several cases of beer, I don't see Danny take more than a few sips off a can. He's always adjusting the music, making sure the tables outside stay stocked with alcohol, or talking with people and doing his best to entertain them. At one point during the night, I hear him tell Paulina that he's going to check on the tables outside again so I beat him there and wait for him to show up.
Danny doesn't notice me – too busy surveying the table. He makes a small tsking noise that I barely catch over the sound of the thrumming music coming from the house. He turns back for the door but I catch him by the elbow before he can escape. He makes a surprised noise but relaxes when he sees it's me.
"Hey," he says brightly, gently pulling his arm from me. He folds his arm over his chest and holds his elbow in one hand, his smile widening when he nods toward me. "You look like you're having a good time. Enjoying the party?"
I'd be having way more fun if Danny was with me for the whole night. If he was hanging off my arm and we were driving our friends crazy from sending them way too many photos of us. Because if he were with me, I'd want everyone to know.
"Yeah, the party's cool… You're doing a great job," I say, watching the way my compliment bolsters his confidence again. He visibly brightens and he stands just a little taller. Though he ducks his head to avoid me seeing the flush on his face, I see it. I'd have to be blind not to.
Danny rubs the back of his neck embarrassedly, nodding when he manages to look up at me. "Thank you. It… means a lot coming from you," he says softly, his gaze drifting back toward the house.
I can tell he's thinking of his duties as a host and wondering how the guests are doing. He's probably thinking about how he should go back inside and make sure that everyone's still having a good time but I don't want him to. And though I might do what others want of me, when it comes down to it – I'm a selfish person. And I want Danny all to myself. I don't know when we'll get another quiet moment like this and… it feels like the right time.
"Hang on, they can fend for themselves for a few minutes," I say, taking Danny's arm again when he starts to turn back to the house. "Trust me, our friends know their way around a party by now."
Danny brightens again, a certain note of surprise in his expression and I realize it's my words. But it's true. They're not just my friends anymore. They might turn up anywhere for alcohol and a chance to blow off studying for another night but that's not the only reason they're here. It's Danny. He draws people in – makes you feel like you're the only person in the room. And right now, I don't want that to be only a feeling.
He smiles softly, shuffling closer to me in the silence. He keeps glancing at me and away again and I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he's known for a while. I wonder if he's thought about the fact that I'm completely obsessed with him. I wonder how it's made him feel.
I move my hand down to his, squeezing it tightly in my grip before I meet his gaze again, smiling as widely as my heart can possibly manage. "Take a walk with me?" I ask, studying him as his stare shifts back to the house. A strand of his fringe falls away from the rest so neatly tucked behind his ear and though I wouldn't normally, I reach out to brush it back.
He looks at me at the contact but he doesn't seem startled. He holds my gaze with his own and slowly nods, falling into step with me as I lead him away from the house. I keep our hands linked together and occasionally run my thumb across the back of his palm.
My heart is hammering in my chest and my old friend anxiety is twisting around me like it doesn't want to let me speak. Like it's afraid of what will happen once Danny hears how much I care for him. That makes two of us, anxiety.
"You know, Danny… I've been thinking," I say softly, coming to a stop several paces from the back door. I turn to look at him and I watch his throat bob as he swallows. Nervous energy builds up inside of me and it comes out in a stilted laugh. "S-Sorry, I'm uh… guess I'm just a little nervous?"
Danny nods, squeezing my hand in his own. "I understand," he whispers softly, silently urging me to keep going just from the look in his eyes. He wants this too.
"The thing is… we uh… haven't known each other that long. A-And I know that this might sound a little bit… sudden but you gotta know… I've been thinking about this for a while and I… can't hold it back anymore." Keeping the way I feel for Danny to myself has been one of the hardest things I've ever done and I can't anymore. Holding back the things I feel is like trying to hold back a raging river.
I can't help the smile I can feel pulling at my mouth as I reach a hand out to touch his cheek. He exhales out slowly and for a moment, we simply hold each other's gaze. I tell him a thousand things with one look that I swear to myself I'll say in words when I find the breath. Danny, I like you. More than I can say. More than I know how to say. I don't know how this is gonna work but… we'll make it work. Because you're everything to me. Because I love you.
"Danny, the thing is-"
"Hey, Danny, where'd you run off to? I thought we were doing shots together!" someone calls out into the backyard.
My heart freezes as Danny pulls his hand from mine and turns to look back at whoever's wandered outside. Whoever's standing out there on the patio has just interrupted a moment – a single moment – that was supposed to change my life and Danny's, too. I was supposed to make him mine.
"Gimme a minute, Jeff?" Danny asks, turning away from me. He takes a few steps away from me, giving Jeff a smile. "I'll be inside soon, I'm talking to Dash."
Jeff waves at me before realization seems to dawn on him and he gives me a sympathetic look. "Okay… take all the time you need, I'll just be… around," he says, mouthing 'sorry' at me when Danny turns his back to him.
Sorry doesn't give me the courage I so desperately need right now to convince my splintered tongue to speak again. I don't want to leave here tonight without telling Danny everything I feel so strongly for him but… the moment is lost. I can't tell him now when he's supposed to be inside taking shots with Jeff and getting back to his party. He's nervous already… I can't be the person that adds to that now.
I truly am a master in the art of pulling myself together when everything starts to fall apart around me. It's how I'm able to paint a grin on my face when Danny turns back to me and play this off like the whole thing was just about the two of us being great friends. Like I don't long to kiss his knuckles and hold him close every time I see him.
"Just wanted to ask you… if you wanted to come with me in January. I'm… supposed to be visiting a college that wants me to play for their team," I say, that grin slipping from my face for a moment. "I don't know… I think you could use the time away, I guess."
He lets out a breath and I see a flash of disappointment cross his expression. He knows. He's gotta know what I'm holding back. What I'm too scared to say in this moment.
I keep smiling but I don't know how much longer I can hold the expression. I ache to tell him and if it were up to me, I wouldn't let him go back inside his house until I'd kissed every inch of him and until he'd know without a doubt that I care about him.
Danny smiles but it seems just a little forced. "Sure, that sounds really nice. I'd love that." He puts his hand on my chest, his touch electrifying and far too much heat in the chill of his backyard. "I'm really proud of you, Dash."
I nod in response, grinning despite my heart breaking into a thousand pieces. He keeps watching me and even though I want to pull him in my arms and never let him go, I nod toward the house. "Anyway… I don't want to keep you from Jeff."
He gives me a look like he'd forget all about Jeff if I asked him to. But it isn't fair of me to keep him to myself. He's worked really hard on this night. He wants to impress everyone in there and he can hardly do that standing outside with me, waiting on words I can never say.
Danny drops his hand from my chest with a nod. "I'll see you later, then."
I watch him go back to the house, wishing against everything that I had just pulled him against my lips instead of wasting time on words. I'm shit with them anyway so they're never going to tell him what he needs to hear. What I'm dying to say.
He turns back to me as I'm trying to cage up my aching heart and I feel so vulnerable when he looks back at me. Like he can see the expression on my face and know instantly what's tearing at me. I'm sorry, Danny. I'm sorry I don't have the guts to tell you.
"Is that… all you wanted to tell me?" he asks, a hesitant tone to his voice.
I should take this chance. My heart's racing, he's still right in front of me, and I want him. But I want him to have this more. The party, the fitting in, all of the stuff that comes along with finally getting out of his shell. Blake kept him hidden away from things like this and I'll never do what he did. I can't smother Danny or keep him to myself the way that he did.
"Yeah, that's… that was it," I mumble the lie, unable to hold his gaze for longer than a few seconds.
Danny sighs heavily, his gaze away from me when I look up at him again. He's chewing on his bottom lip, his gaze on the pool lights drifting lazily in the water. I want to throw myself into that water just to cool me down from this moment. From the heat of this night.
"Dash…" he calls softly, exhaling out with my name.
I move closer to him but the distance between us is still gaping. It still makes me ache to have my arms around him. My lips against his. My hands in his hair and his breath in my mouth and-
"Y-Yeah?"
Danny meets my gaze when I find the strength to speak and he just stares at me. He watches me in silence, waiting for me to say something I'll never find the strength to. I like you, Danny. Please, understand what I mean just from the look on my face. I fucking like you, Danny.
"I… hope you enjoy the party," he says, turning back for the house without another word.
I watch him go, heart in my hand, and chest ripped open. I didn't tell him the truth. I promised myself that I'd tell him tonight. I've already missed my chance once… I can't let myself miss again. The next time that we're alone, I won't waste my time on words. I'll press my lips to his until he knows that I could never think of him as only a friend.
I wander through the backyard for a while, listening to the music drifting outside, and sipping on a Dr. Pepper that I'm pretty sure Blake tried to spike at one point. He and a couple of my other drunk teammates came stumbling out of the house earlier and were hanging on me, talking about how much fun this party is. I somehow managed to get them to leave me alone but something tells me that Blake's not as drunk as he's pretending to be.
Keith comes out of the house a little later on to check on me, saying that Kwan was worried cause he hasn't seen me inside in a while. I tell him I'm just taking a minute before I head back inside but he knows it's a lie. He puts a hand on my shoulder in some attempt at comfort but he doesn't even know what he's comforting me from. Maybe he thinks it's shit with my dad, I don't know. But I force a smile and a nod anyway and Keith goes back inside the house.
I only let myself stay outside for a little while longer, the cold finally getting to me, before I head back inside, pouring what's left of my now warm soda into the grass on my way to the back door. A group of freshmen are standing near the back door, talking loudly and urging one of their friends, who already looks drunk out of his mind, to chug his beer.
"Weird to think that was once us," someone says a few paces down the hall and I look up.
Kwan gives me a smile and bumps his shoulder against mine when I'm close enough to him. "I was wondering where you went off to. I was starting to get worried about you," he says, rolling his eyes when I stick my tongue out. "Where'd you go?"
"I was outside," I respond, turning into the kitchen before I can pass it. "I need a drink."
Kwan follows me as we pass by several people just so I can throw my can away in the garbage. I open the fridge and survey the options that are left, hesitating only a second before I reach for another Dr. Pepper.
"I thought you meant a drink, drink," Kwan says, frowning as I pop the tab on my soda with a shrug. "In case you missed it… we're at a party, Dash. And you're not drinking?"
Kwan sighs when I don't respond, choosing to drain half of my soda instead. He leans against the counter next to where I'm standing and lowers his voice.
"If something's going on… you know you can tell me," he practically whispers, glancing over his shoulder. He nods once he looks back at me. "What is it?"
I sigh, not out of frustration or because of Kwan but it's the situation. I want to tell Danny the way that I feel for him so desperately but there's never a right time. And I'm afraid that never finding the right time is some kind of warning from the universe that my stupid heart is choosing to ignore because I want him so badly.
"Nothing, man. I just don't feel like getting drunk tonight," I respond, swallowing down another few gulps of my soda before I pat him on the shoulder. "Go enjoy yourself, okay? I'm good, I promise."
Kwan gives me a look like he doesn't believe me but I give him a push in the direction of the drunk idiots known as our teammates and they're quick to pull him into their midst, exclaiming excitedly about some kind of app or something. I tip my can in Kwan's direction when he looks back at me but I make no move to rescue him from our teammates. He can fend for himself for now. I've got something more important to do.
Danny's apparently quit playing the part of a host and has disappeared somewhere in the house. He's not in the living room where the heart of the party is and I can't find him on the fringes anywhere. I can't explain the way my heart's started pounding at the thought of something happening to Danny but I take the stairs two at a time to look for him.
A few people are lingering in the hallway outside his bedroom but they're not paying me attention when I pass by them – too busy sucking face to even look up. I try his bedroom door but it's locked and I don't hear him inside when I press my ear to the door. His sister's bedroom is open and there's no one inside. Which only leaves one other place.
The bathroom is only a few doors down from his room and when I press my ear to the door, I can hear someone inside. Someone that sounds like they're crying.
My heart squeezes but I tap the door with my knuckles, hoping that Danny can hear me over the sound of the music. "Danny?" I almost whisper, my voice dry and scratchy as emotion chokes me. Why is he crying?
He doesn't respond but I can hear him sniffling so I knock lightly again. "Danny, it's me… Let me in."
There's no response but I know he heard me. Cause his sniffles get louder and it takes me a split second before I realize the reason he's getting louder is cause he's closer to the door. I have just enough time to stand up again before he opens the door. He ushers me in quickly and closes the door back behind me, turning the lock with a heavy sigh.
Danny rests his forehead against the door, a shuddering breath leaving him. A soft noise leaves him when I put my hand on his back but he lets me touch him. He lets me pull him toward me and hold him against my chest.
"What's going on?" I whisper, dropping my cheek against the top of his head. He's shaking in my arms and I hate that he's scared. I don't want him to be afraid of anything. I can protect him from anything – all he has to do is tell me what he needs. I'm here, Danny. It's okay, I'm here.
He holds me tighter and my heart constricts as he begins to talk softly, his voice breaking once or twice. "It's… Blake. I don't… want him here," he confesses with a heavy sigh. "I've been having lunch with all of your friends in the cafeteria every day for weeks now and… I thought that made a difference. I thought that I was getting better. That… this would be okay."
Danny sniffles, letting out a heavy sigh. "But this setting… it's the way it used to be between us and I… it still hurts, Dash. I don't… I don't want this."
Fuck. Blake's a fucking asshole for even showing up tonight. Danny extended the invitation but anyone with half a fucking brain would have realized when the invitation was just a formality. He should have realized before now that Danny didn't actually want him here.
Danny pushes away from me, wiping a hand down his face as he stumbles over to the tub, practically collapsing onto the edge. He lets out one shaky breath after another, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip as he shakes his head.
Words fail me again and I can't force my legs to move me across the room to where he's sitting. I'm stuck in place by the brewing anger in the pit of my stomach and the crushing ache in my heart from knowing how horrible Danny's really doing. This was his idea. I believed him. When he told me he'd be okay tonight, I was the idiot who believed him.
Danny hesitantly lifts his gaze to mine, still chewing on his bottom lip. "Feel free to… say that you told me so at any time," he mumbles, shaking his head as he drops his gaze. He's silent for a few seconds, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. "You were right. This wasn't a good idea."
The sound of his voice so quiet, so broken, stirs me out of my trance and I move to where he is, kneeling on the floor when I'm close enough to him. He looks up again and I reach for him, placing my hand on his cheek and ignoring the way the butterflies in my gut love the way he leans into my touch.
"I… could never say that. You were only doing what you thought was right. You were doing what you thought you needed to," I say, my voice barely above a whisper as I run my thumb across his cheek.
Danny exhales out another shuddering breath, dropping his gaze from mine as he nods. He's not that carefree boy I've come to know and I can see how heavily all of this shit weighs on him. But Blake's an asshole and I won't let him fuck with Danny tonight.
"I'll make him leave, okay? Jeff and I will make him go home," I say, dropping my hand from Danny's face and scooting back a little on the tile of his bathroom.
He immediately looks up and shakes his head, grabbing my hand before I can move too far away from him. "No. I don't…" he trails off, his eyes falling closed as his voice falls to a whisper. "I don't want him to know that this still hurts."
Of course this still hurts. It hasn't even been two years yet. The physical marks that Blake inflicted upon this boy in front of me may have healed but his heart… god, his heart hasn't had enough time. He's still hurting and goddammit, he has a right to fucking hurt.
I pull Danny against my chest, being careful of the way I hold him. I have no right to hold him like anything other than a friend. He's still hurting and he doesn't need anyone hitting on him right now. Or… even for a while. And despite how much my selfish heart is begging me to just fucking kiss him, I can't. I won't do that to him. I'll find time in the future to tell him how much I care about him but for now… showing him how much I care is far more important.
I promise Danny that I'll find a way to run Blake off without letting him know that's what I'm trying to do and I leave him in the bathroom to compose himself a little before he rejoins the party. I have no fucking clue how I'm going to manage running Blake off without raising some kind of questions but I have to do something. I can't leave Danny to deal with him all night.
Paulina's standing at the edge of the kitchen with a few cheerleaders but she easily turns to me when I come to a stop beside her. She's the only person here that knows the full story and can help Danny while I'm away from him.
I slide my arm around Paulina's waist and tug her a little away from the other girls, ducking my head to whisper in her ear.
"I need to find a way to send Blake home, Danny's not doing so great. Can you stay with him while I handle Blake?" I whisper, waiting until she nods before I continue. "He's in the bathroom upstairs trying to calm down. Last door on the right."
Paulina grabs my arm when I try to pull away from her and she stands on her tiptoes, pulling me closer to her to whisper in my ear. "Try to get Blake drunk and call an Uber for him," she says, giving me a nod when she pulls away.
I watch her head for the stairs for a few seconds before I leave to find Blake. In the throng of moving, partying bodies, it's hard to locate my teammate or even know if I'm going in the right direction. But when I hear somebody bragging about their late night parties and how this one pales in comparison… I know I'm heading in his direction.
"Hell, I wouldn't have believed it either if those models hadn't been standing in front of me. And if I hadn't gotten a lap dance from Crystal…" Blake whistles, as he nods toward our teammates. "Trust me, I wouldn't make this shit up."
My hands clench into fists unconsciously as I near him but I force myself to relax before I paste a grin on my face. "Hey, Weston."
Blake turns to me, his irritation obvious despite his attempts to play it cool. "Sup, Baxter? Finally get bored of sitting outside feeling sorry for yourself?" he asks, glancing at our teammate when Dale elbows him. He's such a fucker.
"You still owe me a game of beer pong," I say, almost choking over the smirk I manage to keep on my face. Blake doesn't deserve a single fucking thing from me but I have to keep my hate to myself for now. For Danny.
Blake raises an eyebrow in surprise, a laugh tumbling from him as he steps away from our teammates. He folds his arms over his chest, flicking his gaze down my frame before he meets my stare, a condescending smile on his face. "Is that your way of saying you want to get wasted?"
The goddamn, little-
"I'd watch the trash talk if I were you. Dash has been the reigning pong champion since freshman year," Keith says quietly, matching the glare Blake turns to him with. "You know it's true. We all do."
Blake scoffs, uncrossing his arms and rolling his shoulders before he turns back to me with a smirk. "Well that was freshman year, Keith. It's not my fault if Dash wants to lose his title tonight," he says, that condescending grin still on his face.
Sometimes I forget just how annoying Blake can be. Amidst all of the other shitty things my teammate can be, the level of his irritating nature sometimes slips my mind. But tonight it's not escaping my notice. He's like an overgrown child with this kind of stuff.
"The only person that's gonna be losing tonight is you, Weston. And if you're done gossiping about shit you've never actually done, then get ready to lose," I practically spit at him, watching the way his eyes narrow as he takes a step toward me.
Blake takes another step until he's close enough for me to feel his breath on my cheek and catch the way he reeks of beer already when he laughs. But my words struck something in him and he gives me the response I was hoping for all along.
"Bring it on, Baxter."
A lot of people think that winning a game of beer pong comes down to luck and maybe a little talent. But I didn't earn my reputation as the party champ by talent. The game is like football. It's based on skill, hard work, and practice. I've always worked harder than Blake at every football practice and I've got more skill in my pinky finger than he does in his entire body.
We decided on playing to best 3 out of 5. I've won twice and we're halfway through the third game. Blake's got seven of my cups left on the table and I'm down to four of his. He's still conscious but swaying a lot.
He blinks against the exhaustion pulling at him and licks his lips, rolling the ball in his palm twice before he looks up at me. "Rerack, I can't shoot like this," he says, stepping back from the table.
I give him a look but he insists so I line my cups into a triangle again, watching as he gets back into position to aim. He chews on his bottom lip, deciding where to shoot before he aims. The ball bounces off the table and barely hits the rim of one of my cups on the outer edge of my triangle.
Blake swears under his breath, wiping his forehead with his forearm, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. His hands are shaking as I reach down to pick up the ball and I decide to offer him an easy out. He's already almost drunk enough for me to send home without causing some kind of scene.
"If you want to quit now, no hard feelings, Blake," I say, rolling the ball between my thumb and fingers a couple times before I shrug. "It's up to you."
He shakes his head, huffing out a sigh. "No, if I win this one… we have to play another. A-And then if I win that one, we'll be tied and I'll have to-"
"Dude, the odds of you tying with him are second to none," Dale says with a laugh.
Blake turns to him with an irritated snarl, getting in Dale's face as he speaks. "Shut the fuck up. You're too much of a fucking coward to play him yourself."
Jeff rolls his eyes and grabs Blake's arm, pulling him away from Dale. "Calm down, it's just a game," he says, shrugging when Blake turns to look at him. "Look, no one here gives a shit if you lose. It's not the end of the world if-"
Blake's a lot like my dad. He's never been the kind of person to argue with words. He's rarely participated in class debates and when situations like this play out, he hates to come up stupid. So he doesn't wait to hear the rest of Jeff's sentence. He just shuts him up by landing his fist against the side of Jeff's jaw instead.
"What the fuck?" someone yells and Dale starts for Blake, quickly followed by Keith and Zeke. A few of our other teammates surge forward from the crowd in anticipation of holding Jeff back but he doesn't start toward Blake like I thought he would.
Jeff rubs his fingers lightly over his jaw where Blake's fist connected with him, some kind of half-laugh, half-scoff leaving him. He looks at Blake again and takes one step toward him.
"That is the only time you're ever gonna punch me." He speaks softly but the room has gone so quiet, it's almost as though he's shouting. He lets out another strangled laugh, shaking his head in the silence. "You're drunk. So I'm gonna let this go. But not again, Blake."
Blake scoffs, trying to pull away from the grip that Dale has on his arms. "Fuck off, like you could stop me – you can't throw a punch worth shit. When things get rough, you chicken shit out of doing anything. You're a fucking coward too, Jeff. You pretend you're not but you are. You're all fucking cowards!"
I can see a muscle in Jeff's jaw clench as he grits his teeth together. He lifts his gaze to Dale and nods once. "Get him out of here before I do."
Dale and Zeke ignore Blake's arguing and physically drag him away from Jeff and out the front door. Everyone's still silent but there's almost like a breath of relief that ripples through the crowd and I'm not immune to it either. I hadn't realized until now just how tightly I had my hands clenched.
"You think he was high?" one of my teammates asks quietly.
Jeff shakes his head, running his fingers along his jawline again. "No. Blake's just a really sore loser," he says, looking my way with a shrug. "That could have been your face he went after, you know. You should really thank me."
That playful grin is easing its way back onto his face and the silence that the room was engulfed in is almost immediately broken. I grin back at Jeff, moving from behind the table to give him a playful shove.
"You should be thankful he only got one hit in. I don't think Star would look at you if you got any uglier," I say with a grin when Jeff rolls his eyes.
He elbows me in the side with a laugh, glancing over his shoulder. "Speaking of… any idea where she went?" He nods when I shake my head and starts away from the crowd that's formed around the table. I haven't seen Star since I saw her crying in the kitchen before everyone started showing up. Before Jeff told me that she's pregnant.
Keith joins me when I start clearing away the cups and I push the table back into the right spot. The crowd has slowly started to move on from the almost fight that Blake started. Come Monday morning, no one's even going to be talking about him and that's probably both a good and a bad thing.
Blake doesn't deserve any kind of attention for tonight. For trying to start shit with somebody who's never been involved in this situation. But part of me wants people talking about him. So that they never forget the kind of asshole he can be. So that if all this shit with Danny ever comes to light… there won't be a single person in this town that won't believe him.
I wait until everyone's back to dancing and drinking before I slip up the stairs. The bathroom door is open and no one's inside. But across the hall, Danny's bedroom door is closed with the light on underneath it.
I move across the landing and tap on the door, whispering that it's me.
The doorknob turns and I expect to see Danny's tear-stained face again but it's Paulina who greets me. She gives me a sympathetic look and steps back to let me inside his room, shutting the door behind her.
Star's sitting on the bed next to Danny and glances up when she sees me. She doesn't look surprised at my presence and immediately looks back to Danny, whispering something softly to him as she puts a hand on his knee.
Danny nods at whatever she's saying before he lifts his gaze to mine. His eyes are red and his sniffle is unmistakable. He won't hold my gaze for long but it doesn't matter. Cause I cross the floor and come to kneel in front of him again.
He lets out a shuddering breath, turning away from me like that will hide it. Like that will stop me from seeing how badly he's hurting. I already know, Danny. It's okay.
I brush my knuckles against his cheekbone and he squeezes his eyes closed tighter but he doesn't pull away from me. God, it hurts to see him hurting. I hate that I can't help him. Blake's leaving but it's not enough. Danny needs more than just Blake disappearing for the night. He needs Blake gone forever.
"Did you send him home?" Paulina asks from her position leaning against the door. She raises an eyebrow when I glance over my shoulder and I nod at her, casting a hesitant glance toward Star.
"It's okay… she knows, too."
Danny meets my gaze for a split second when he speaks but he won't look at me for long, immediately dropping his stare to the floor with a heavy sigh. He swallows hard, his hand trembling as he reaches for me.
I don't have to be asked twice to hug him, I just pull him against my chest and lock my arms around him. He exhales out shakily again, his whole body shaking in my arms and I hold him tighter. I can't help him but I can hold him. And if that's all I can do in this moment, then that's what I'll do. Because I will never abandon Danny.
Fifteen minutes pass with awkward conversation and small-talk and Danny's not getting any better. He's still shaking and none of us are sure if it's from the panic still fucking with him or something entirely different.
Danny's on his bed and Paulina's got her arm wrapped loosely around his shoulders. Like she's worried that he'll run if she doesn't keep a hold on him. Star's on the bed with them, holding Danny's hand in hers. I'm on the floor in front of him, alternating between watching the time and watching his face.
He looks up at me when I raise my stare from my phone screen and though he's still shaking, for just the smallest moment, he manages to give me a tiny smile. And that smile is like a gulp of fresh air that my lungs have been crying out for. It brings a hesitant smile to my own face and he ducks his head, his face turning red as he lets out a breath.
"How'd you get him to leave?" Star finally asks, looking from Danny to me.
I shrug, my gaze barely leaving Danny for longer than a few seconds at a time. "He was losing in beer pong and punched Jeff," I say, giving her a sympathetic look. "Jeff's fine. But we were all in agreement to kick Blake out after that."
Star sits up straighter, blinking once as her eyebrows rise on her forehead. "Where's Jeff now?"
"Downstairs. He was looking for you earlier," I say, glancing toward the closed door. Star chews on her bottom lip, glancing at Paulina who nods once before she stands from the bed.
I watch Star go for a few seconds before I take her place on the end of Danny's bed. I don't sit as close to him as she was, somehow feeling this unconscious need for space between us. Despite the fact that I just want to hold him in my arms and let him know that everything's gonna be okay, I don't take his hand in mine and I don't move any closer to him.
"Do you want us to leave you alone?" Paulina asks.
Danny shrugs her arm off his shoulders. "I don't care either way… I'll be fine in a minute," he says softly, not lifting his gaze from the carpet. Fuck. He's started to tremble again and I hate seeing him like this. I want Blake to feel the same level of fear Danny feels just from seeing his stupid fucking face.
"He's a fucking idiot," I blurt out, watching Danny's eyes widen in surprise. He looks at me then and I almost choke over the emotion in his eyes. "He's an idiot for ever putting his hands on you and- god, he's never gonna know what he let go of. You're worth so much more than he ever realized and he's a fucking idiot for not seeing it."
Silence falls over the three of us and Danny won't look away from me. He fidgets once or twice before he lets out a quiet breath, leaning over to take my hand in his. He hesitates a second but he brings my hand up to his mouth and presses his lips to the back of my hand.
The butterflies I've been housing in my gut for the past three months fucking escape the moment his lips are against my skin. I have to bite my tongue until I taste blood to keep from making a noise that would sound way too sexual in the silence and privacy of his bedroom.
Even though Paulina's making eyes at me behind Danny, I ignore her and squeeze Danny's hand in my own. I don't fucking care who sees us right now. This is about Danny. And I'll let him do anything he wants to me as long as it takes away that sadness that's stitched itself to his soul. If there's anything I can do to pry the loneliness from his bones, he doesn't even need to ask. Because despite the way I want and crave him… I think his needs will always come before my own.
Danny decides to take those few minutes alone so Paulina and I leave his bedroom together, even though I desperately want to stay with him. She pulls the door closed behind us and nudges me in the side before I've taken more than a step away from her.
"What was that for?"
She grins in response, placing a hand on her hip and stepping in front of me, blocking my path to the stairs. "You've got it bad for him," she says, her grin only widening with the heat I can feel on my face. "Are you going to hate me forever if I say that watching you like this is kind of adorable?"
"Shut up," I scoff, folding my arms over my chest with a shrug. "It's just a stupid crush."
Paulina rolls her eyes. "Dash, you're a horrible liar. You think I'm the only one that's noticed how much you practically fawn over him? Star was asking me about it the other day and I lied to her because I know you're not ready for a bunch of people to know yet," she says, raising an eyebrow when I look up at her. "Don't even try to deny it, you know I can see right through your bullshit."
Goddammit. Does everyone in the fucking school know that I'm completely in love with Danny?
"It's not like anything could ever come from it so… it doesn't matter," I respond. She gives me a funny look – like maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way. Like maybe I just don't understand that someone like me could actually be with someone like Danny. But it's not even about that shit anymore. It doesn't have anything to do with the part about me not deserving someone as kind and amazing as Danny. It's about him. And what he wants. What he needs.
I lower my voice, leaning against the nearest wall. "You saw him tonight. Does it really look like he's ready to jump into another relationship?"
Her expression turns sad and the only thing she can do is shake her head, placing a hand on my shoulder. I can't stand the sympathy in her gaze for long and I turn my stare past her, watching drunk idiots on the stairs and listening to the sound of the party. Everyone's moved on from the incident with Blake but the boy in the room behind me never will. No matter how many times I promise to hold his heart gently or to protect him from people like Blake, Danny will never believe me. He'll always be afraid. And I'm not the kind of person that can eradicate fear from anyone.
Paulina convinces me to come downstairs even though I want to spend the rest of the night shadowing Danny. She leaves me with Keith and Dale and starts making the rounds, taking up Danny's host duties effortlessly. The way she steps in for him brings this aching sort of feeling to my heart. This is who Paulina is. She's not the same girl that outed him in sophomore year. I don't think she ever was. Blake just infects everything he ever touches.
Keith is going on about some assignment in history class and I'm only half-listening from the start. But the second I see Danny coming down the staircase, I completely blank. Nothing else can keep my focus when he's in the room.
Mitch meets him at the bottom of the stairs before I can cross the room to get to him. Danny's face is flushed and he's shaking his head with a broad smile. Mitch's eyebrows are drawn down and he keeps nodding but he swallows down whatever lie Danny manages to spin.
Danny steps past Mitch and his eyes scan the crowd. For half a second, I think he's looking for me. But I know he's not. He's watching his back, making sure that Blake really is gone. He doesn't have to worry about that. I'd never let Blake get close enough to hurt him again.
Mitch says something, earning Danny's attention again and I slip off further into the crowd. I want to go to him – make sure that he's okay. But I don't want to smother him. I don't want to let on how much my care has turned to love in the few months I've known him.
Danny's involved in the conversation with Mitch so I disappear into the kitchen, desperately craving the taste of alcohol now but I don't go for it. I don't know what I'm up against for the rest of the night and I don't want to risk it.
Paulina finds me twenty minutes later, sulking with another Dr. Pepper, and she gives me a look. "Danny's outside with some of our friends," she says, nodding toward the back of the house like I should go. Like I should instantly let myself be around him when I'm destined to only make him think of Blake. I'm just as desperately in love with him and that will only ever serve as a cruel reminder.
I shrug, dropping my stare down to my can. I watch the way the light catches and glints off the top when I tilt the can back and forth. Paulina sighs, her hands on her hips when I look up at her.
"You can't do this forever, you know." She frowns, shaking her head. "It's Danny's choice to be with you or not. You can't make that decision for him."
"I'm not trying to," I argue.
"What – and hiding out from him is what, not a choice?" she asks, unfolding her arms to put her hand on my upper arm. "Look, I'm just saying. Give him a chance. He might even like you back."
He doesn't. There's no damn way he does. Because the universe isn't kind to me – it doesn't care for boys like me. Boys that like other boys. Boys that don't stand up to their own fathers. Boys that make one mistake after another. Boys so selfish, they keep their distance from someone that needs them because it hurts.
"Dash, thank god," someone says, stepping into the kitchen.
I shift my gaze past Paulina and see Valerie, dressed in her coat and with cheeks red from the wind. "I swear, If I had to pass one more drunk, rambling idiot…" she trails off, rolling her eyes with a grumble. "Long story short, good thing I found you."
Paulina glances at me and I shift away from the counter, doing my best impression of a smile for Valerie. Danny invited her on the group message he sent out but she never responded. I didn't think she'd come after everything I asked of her.
"Didn't know you were coming. You got the night off?" I ask.
Valerie shakes her head, folding her arms over her chest. I offer to take her jacket but she cuts me off. "I'm not staying. I came to find you because you weren't answering your phone," she says, subtly glancing toward Paulina as if to ask me what the hell she's doing here.
"Well you found me," I say, injecting some attempt at humor into my tone but it's lost on Valerie.
She nods, unfolding her arms to place a hand on my shoulder. "Let's go outside for a second, I can barely hear myself think over this music," she says, turning away from me before I have the chance to respond.
I watch her go before I start out of the kitchen. I'm only two paces from Paulina before I turn back to her. "Watch out for Danny while I'm gone?"
Paulina nods, her eyebrows drawing down as I leave her standing in the kitchen. I don't know what Valerie's shown up here for or why she wants me outside but her lack of a smile is more concerning to me than it probably should be. I know Valerie better than I know myself… and something's scratching at me – telling me that whatever the reason she's here, it can't be good.
Valerie's leaning against my car, holding something against her chest, when I step outside. I can just barely see her in the dim lighting of the winter night but she looks up from where she's standing, ducking her chin into the collar of her jacket as she watches me descend the few stairs leading down from Danny's house.
"Sorry I missed your calls… I know it's a long drive out here," I mumble, scratching the back of my head as a shiver runs through me. I forgot to grab my jacket on the way out and the wind is almost biting against my skin.
She shakes her head. "It's okay. I'd rather get this over with," she says, holding out something toward me that I can barely make out in the darkness. "This is everything that the government had on the phantom. At least… everything I could find."
My heart constricts at the same time my stomach practically drops to the ground. Fuck. I thought she was going to destroy all of this, not give it to me. I don't know what the fuck to do with something like this.
I take a stack of folders from her and let out a breath that hangs in the air. She meets my gaze when I look at her but we don't look at each other for long. I stumble over to the hood of my car and set the folders down, quickly digging my phone from my pocket and turning the flashlight on.
Valerie moves over to me and I flip open the first folder, thumbing through the contents quickly before I move onto the next folder. I'm barely registering what I'm reading and I realize that I'm not actually reading it. I'm just scanning it for Danny's name.
"Do they…suspect him?" I ask softly, a shiver racing through me as I flip another page.
She exhales out, shifting closer to me until our shoulders are touching. "No. I went through everything myself. There's nothing in these files that directly ties Danny to any of this stuff."
I breathe a sigh of relief. Finally. Danny will be free as soon as I destroy all of this documentation and shit about him. Even if I don't destroy it – even if I just lock this shit away in my room forever, it still doesn't tie Danny to any part of it.
"But this might," Valerie says, continuing what I thought was finished. My heart sinks when she presses something into my hand, closing my fingers around it with hers. "It's a sample of blood the police gathered from a scene of a break-in that the phantom fled from. A few of the agents assigned to this task force were still in the process of removing the contamination from the DNA so… they probably never got a chance to compare it to any other samples they might have. And odds are, they don't have any samples of Danny's blood anyway."
All of this. Every part of this stuff about the phantom… I have it all now. And if I destroy it… will that end everything? Will that keep Danny safe? Will it keep him from having to hide forever? Or by having Valerie steal it so it can be destroyed simply point the finger in his direction? Fuck, how close did those agents get to figuring it all out?
"Val… thank you," I whisper, not even sure if this was the right move anymore. But she risked her job and she risked getting caught just to do this. To get everything related to the phantom. She doesn't know Danny the way that I do but she still got these for him. For me.
She sighs, putting her hand on my shoulder with a shake of her head. "I know that you're already hopelessly in love with him so saying this is pointless but… be careful, okay? I know you said that he's done doing this but in case he's not… you need to be aware of what the government will do to him if they catch him."
Like chase him down and shoot a tracking device into him?
I push out a breath from between my trembling lips and nod. Valerie holds my gaze in silence, shaking her head a little before she pulls me into her arms. I don't have the words to tell her how grateful I am for this. How much having this documentation has lifted a weight from my chest that I didn't even know was there. I can't express the way that I feel so I hold her closer, tighter, like that will somehow convey everything my heart wants to tell her.
Valerie holds me back just as tightly, running her hands up and down my spine in an almost soothing manner. But her touches are far too hesitant and skittish to be comforting. She's afraid. Of me? Of what I've asked of her? …of Danny?
"Take care of yourself tonight, Dash," Valerie whispers, pulling away to look at me. A smile ghosts across her face again and I catch the flash of her teeth in the darkness. She nudges my foot with hers and grins at me. "I heard something about you winning a couple games of beer pong?"
If we weren't standing outside in the darkness, she'd notice the way my whole body has stiffened at the mention of the game. She'd see the way my hands have unconsciously clenched into fists and she'd ask me about it. Valerie would make some joke about how it's only a game and I would be unable to laugh it off. I'd tell her everything. By the end of the party, she would know everything there is to know about Blake and Paulina and Danny… trembling, scared Danny.
But we're not standing in the light and I know she wants to go home and crawl in bed. I can't blame her – part of me wants to leave the party early but I can't. I left my heart inside with Danny. I can't leave him yet.
"You know me, Valerie. Reigning beer pong champion," I say with a grin to my tone and the sound isn't lost on her. She makes a joke about how I only got that title by cheating and I playfully argue with her about how she's just jealous.
The teasing does exactly what I wanted it to. It distracts her from picking up on how the anger that's sewn itself to my soul is lurking just beneath the surface of my skin, begging to be released. Pleading with me to set it free and let it overtake me until Blake is nothing more than a bad memory in everyone's mind. I don't want to be that kind of person – the one with the anger that scares people. And standing out in the darkness with one of my best friends, making one shitty joke after another, I can almost fool myself into believing that I'll never become that person.
I talk with Valerie for a long time. Until we've exhausted ourselves and my heart's feeling a million times lighter. Even as I lock away those documents in the back of my car, wedged between the seats. I walk her to her car with more energy than I should probably have after standing out here in the cold for so long.
"I meant to bring Danny a gift tonight but… I guess you'll have to be his present instead," Valerie says with a wicked grin that I know better than to trust. That look is one that just screams trouble and I remember the exact same expression on her face every time she's gotten me into something with her.
"Whatever you're thinking, the answer's no," I say just we reach her car. She fake pouts and I ignore her, reaching out to open her door.
While my back is turned to her, I hear a rustling sound. When I turn back to look, she presses a bright red bow to the center of my chest. Her grin is wicked and the heat that rushes to my face makes me splutter.
She's cackling, clutching her sides, and barely manages to choke out, "Tell Danny… I-I said… happy birthday!" before she's dissolving into spluttered giggles.
"V-Valerie," I hiss, ripping the stupid bow from my chest. I fucking hate her for this. I'm not Danny's present. I could never be that for him. Cause he doesn't want me the way that I want him.
She's still laughing but I usher her into the car, eager for her to be out of my sight. Valerie climbs into the driver seat and sticks her tongue out before she starts the engine. That grin is still on her face and she's still letting out a few, quiet giggles every now and then. I don't know if I really want to wipe away that happiness from her but… I don't know if there'll be another time for me to say this.
"Thank you," I say softly, watching the way her eyebrows draw down momentarily before she realizes what I'm saying. Those two words travel beyond what she did for me by getting those documents. For a second, I wonder if my words have lost some of their meaning to her when she grips her steering wheel tighter. I wonder if Valerie doesn't want me to say anything. But a few seconds pass in silence before she nods and the smile she wears when she looks at me is genuine.
I push her door shut and watch her drive away before I head back inside. I'm shaking all over from the cold and I welcome the heat of the party when I step inside Danny's house again. I pass by Jeff and Star on the couch and Jeff gives me a fist-bump before I move on.
Paulina's hanging out at the edge of the room, just watching everyone dancing and partying but not taking part in it herself. She's watching two people dancing and it takes me a few seconds before I realize that one of those people is Danny.
He's dancing with some guy in our English class and the heart that I left inside with Danny is now lying at his feet. Seeing him happy is supposed to feel better than watching him fight back tears but… goddammit, does he have to be happy with someone other than me?
I push past people on my way upstairs and I stumble into Danny's sister's room. I find my jacket with everyone else's, shrugging it on even though I'm barely noticing the cold anymore. My mind's too distracted with Danny to think about something as stupid as whether or not I'm cold.
"He's been drinking," Paulina says softly from behind me. "I think it's started to hit him. That's… why he's dancing with Felix."
Of course, she'd know who that guy is. I glance over my shoulder at her. She's leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed and eyebrows drawn down as she watches me. Her gaze darts from me to the jackets behind me before she speaks. "Are you leaving?"
I want to. I want to just get in my car and drive away from this. I want to forget that I came tonight. God, why am I so fucking jealous, they're just dancing. But fuck, why can't he be dancing with me? Even if he wouldn't remember it in the morning, even if he never brought it up again… I'd kill to dance with him.
"No," I respond, zipping my jacket closed before I turn back to Paulina with a shrug. "I'm gonna give it a little longer and then… take off, I guess."
"He's drunk, Dash," Paulina says, pushing away from the doorframe and crossing over to me. She puts her hands on my shoulders and shakes me a little. "He doesn't know what he's doing. He just wants to stop hurting for the night and… I think he deserves it."
Of course he deserves it. Danny deserves the whole fucking world. How can I selfishly take him away from what he wants? Why can't he want me?
"Yeah, he does," I respond, shrugging her hands off my shoulders with a heavy exhale. "He can do whatever he wants, I'm not gonna stop him. But I don't think I can watch him be with someone else. Not tonight."
Paulina grabs my arm when I try to pass by her and she keeps me from leaving the room. "He's drunk," she repeats, giving me a look when I sigh. "He could hurt himself like this. Or end up having sex with someone when we both know that's not what he wants to do."
She gives my arm a little shake, maybe testing to see if I'm still listening even though I'm not looking at her. "We have to be here for him, Dash. We have to make sure that he stays safe. It's our job to watch out for him tonight."
Why do I have to watch him dancing with someone else and pretend that my heart isn't breaking? I've known for a long time that I would do anything to keep Danny safe but… why does it have to be this? Why can't I be risking my life or some shit to save him and at the end of everything, I fucking finally get to kiss him? Why can't that be how our story goes? Fuck action movies for getting my hopes up about how it feels to watch out for someone.
"I know," I respond softly, tugging my arm from Paulina's grip. I don't want to watch Danny dance with somebody that'll never be me but if it keeps him safe, I'll watch someone else hold him all night long.
Danny drinks all night. Every time I see him, he's got a drink in his hand. Or he's taking shots with my teammates. He's stumbling by 1am and I'm exhausted just watching him. He dances with everybody and anybody and though I might be biased, he makes an awkward pair with Jeff, who's too drunk to remember his own name.
Star hangs back with me and Paulina but she doesn't sip on a beer like Paulina does. And even though the other cheerleaders try to convince her to join them on the dance floor, she doesn't. I don't know if Paulina knows why Star's sitting this party out for the most part but I do. And whenever anyone offers her any alcohol, I take it before she has to refuse.
Most of the time, I pour the cup into this ugly houseplant the Fenton's have in one corner of the living room. But sometimes I down the drink in one gulp, hoping it's enough to dull the ache in my chest. Cause seeing someone else's hands on Danny's hips as they dance together hurts more than I can admit.
He's drunk and stumbling but he never stops smiling. And it keeps my ass rooted to my chair. Even when Star decides to take Jeff home and even when Paulina has to leave to stop her parents from calling her phone constantly, I stay on the couch, watching out for Danny. Sometimes I scroll through Facebook and sometimes I just watch the dance floor, waiting for it to be late enough to send everyone home.
Everyone here other than me is stumbling and drunk and it's weird being outside of it all. That used to be me. That's usually me. But tonight, it's Danny and every body he keeps dancing with.
Someone makes a joke about running out of alcohol and suddenly, they're all clamoring to get into the kitchen. The music's loud and everybody's obnoxious and I just want to go home. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of watching the boy I love dance with everyone but me.
I get up from the couch and follow the crowd into the dining room just as Danny climbs on the table. They're all chanting his name and he clumsily fills a shot glass, throwing it back amidst the cheers of the crowd.
"Tell us about yourself, birthday boy!" someone hollers from the crowd and I try to pick out who it is but the group is all just a bunch of faces with no names attached to them.
Danny laughs, filling up the shot glass again before he looks into the crowd. "You want to know about me?"
The crowd cheers back at him and something in my gut is telling me that this is a bad idea. But some girl from my Economics class speaks up before I can put a stop to this.
"Eighteen things! Tell us eighteen things – as many as you are old!" she says with a laugh that's more like a cackle. She's clearly hopped up on alcohol and everyone here is too drunk to remember any of this tomorrow morning. But this still doesn't feel right.
Danny swirls the shot glass, half the alcohol inside slopping onto the table. He looks down at the mess he's made and grins up at the crowd again.
"Number one – I love being drunk!" he yells to the crowd, throwing the shot back when they cheer. He quickly fills up the glass again, grinning at the people crowded around. "Number two – I've never been this drunk before!"
He throws the shot down again and I watch him refill it before I unstick myself from the door frame. I can't stand here and watch him get blackout drunk. He's my responsibility tonight.
"Danny, come on. I think you've had enough to drink," I call, wading my way through the crowd.
They all chant, "buzz kill!" over and over until it echoes through the room long after they've all gone silent. Danny looks through the crowd, still grinning, and oblivious to me.
"Three – I have a tattoo!"
He throws another shot down his throat and I push forward in the crowd. He's not saying anything damaging but there's no telling when he'll start. And despite all the times I call his name, he won't even look at me.
"Four – I used to let some guy on the football team fuck me!" he hollers out, his clumsy hands refilling the shot. He's pouring alcohol everywhere but he downs the shot and eagerly fills up another glass. "F-Five – sometimes, I wish he was still fucking me!"
I surge forward through the crowd, pushing people out of my way to get to him. "Danny, stop!" I call, grabbing him behind the knee. He stumbles just a bit and looks down at me, his glassy eyes barely registering me before he looks away again.
"Six – I've never been this in love and this lonely at the same time!"
When he swallows that shot down, I reach up and snatch the bottle from him. He yells something unintelligible, practically gargling the alcohol as he reaches to take the bottle from me. It's slippery from his sloppy pouring and I can't keep my grip on it. It falls from my hands and shatters against the floor.
"Wh-What am I supposed to drink noooow?" he whines, leaning heavily against me as he reaches for the shattered glass.
I loop my arms around his waist and drag him down from the table. "Danny, I… I think you've had enough."
He groans loudly, threading his fingers through my hair and pulling me down to meet his stare. "I'll never get enough, Baxter."
The heat in his eyes is unmistakable. But he's drunk and I'm sober. Even if I could trust the intensity I can see in his stare, it wouldn't be fair to either of us to be with him like this.
Everyone around us is chanting his name as I scoop him up into my arms, his head against my chest, the scent of alcohol radiating from him like a damn cologne. He's waving to the crowd as I carry him from the dining room to the staircase.
He blows kisses at everyone we pass but I don't stop. Danny's still laughing and when he turns his head until his breath is hitting my neck, I almost lose my balance in the middle of the staircase. My knees get weak at the sensation of his warmth against mine and I drag in a shaky breath to calm the way my heart has started to race.
"I… s-saw you watching me… all night long," he whispers, a shaky breath leaving him.
Fuck. I didn't expect him to pick up on it. I assumed he'd be way too drunk to realize what I was doing. How do I tell him that I was just trying to keep him safe when it's so much more than that?
"Had to… make sure you kept yourself upright," I mumble, reaching the top of the staircase and starting for his bedroom. He laughs softly, pressing himself closer to my chest and I catch my breath as I awkwardly turn his doorknob.
I've taken one step inside when I feel Danny's lips against my neck and I lose all conscious thought. My body reacts to him and I know he can hear how fast my heart is pounding as a soft groan is dragged from me.
Danny pulls away to look at me, a smirk lighting up his features. "I knew you'd like that," he whispers, pushing away from me until I let him go. He's unsteady on his feet but he stays upright, sliding his arms around my neck as he pulls his face down to meet his.
Our lips don't touch but I can feel his breath across mine and I can't think. All I can focus on is his forehead resting against mine and the pounding of my own heart. He's so close to me. Just… a few more inches.
"I don't want to think," he whispers, a soft whine leaving him as he stumbles backward a few steps, pulling me with him. He pulls his face away from mine and ducks down to kiss my collarbones, tugging my jacket out of the way.
Fuck, Danny. I've wanted this for so long but it's here now and it's all wrong. He's drunk. He's too fucking drunk to do this with. It's wrong. It's all wrong. I'm-
My hands tremble as I place them on his back but he barely notices it. He's focused on unzipping my jacket and kissing his way down my chest as he drops to his knees.
"Danny, I-I…" I mumble, tangling my fingers in his hair.
He looks up at me, blinking in silence before he leans forward to kiss my abdomen again, a slight tremble of his lips as his clumsy fingers work to unbutton my jeans. God-fucking-dammit, Danny. "I want this," he whispers, rising to his full height again and pulling me backward. I want it too.
"We don't…. have to think beyond tonight," he whispers, stumbling backward with me and I can only follow him. His hands on my body feel so damn good and I never want this moment to end. I want to crawl in his bed and make him forget that tonight ever happened. Make him only remember my name and the way I taste.
He stumbles backward until he hits his bed and falls backward, slipping out of my arms and against his mattress instead. He seems surprised at the contact and a small laugh escapes him as he reaches for me again. I'm all too eager to let myself be pulled back into his atmosphere.
"Danny, I…" I want this. More than I can say. More than I know how to say. I want you. I've always wanted you. Danny, I… I love you.
He groans softly beneath me and when he tries to pull me in for a kiss, he ends up hitting my nose with his instead. The action disorients him and though I pull back, intent on kissing him, I don't. Cause his eyes are unfocused and he's still reaching for me and I realize how wrong this whole thing is.
I shift until my elbows are resting against the mattress either side of Danny and heave myself upward, looking down at him in his drunk, disoriented state. "As much as I'd love to do this… we can't," I say, watching as he tries to focus on me.
His brows furrow and he blinks a couple times, frowning as he asks it. "Why not?"
"Because you're drunk and I'm not." I exhale out, shaking my head and mumbling to myself. "If we ever do this, I want both of us to remember it."
He licks his lips and his eyes fall closed again. He's barely conscious but he's still trying to slur out a few words, mumbling about how he's definitely not too drunk to do this and how he'll totally remember it and… he's incoherent. Drunk. Too drunk to get tangled up with me.
I push away from his mattress, exhaling out a heavy breath as Danny opens his eyes. He blinks a couple of times but it's obvious that he's only moments away from falling asleep. The crowd downstairs is oblivious to what almost was and I can still hear them chanting his name as I give him a small smile.
Danny groans softly as I move his legs up onto the mattress and slide his pillow under his head. His eyes flutter closed in the silence and I wish against everything that this was different. That he wasn't so drunk and that I wasn't so scared of telling him how I feel.
If he knew his own name, I'd kiss him. I'd press my lips to his in an instant. I would fall onto the bed with him and make him love being under me. But I can't fuck someone that doesn't even remember where he is or who he's with.
"Why tonight?" I mumble, scratching the back of my head, talking more to myself than to Danny as I turn away from him. All this time between us… why would he choose tonight to get my attention? Maybe he's just drunk. Or maybe he's finally drunk enough to stop thinking about all the what if's the way I do.
Danny mumbles something softly and I try to tell myself that my mind's playing tricks on me. Because I don't want to believe what he's saying.
"What… was that?" I ask softly and he groans in response as I turn to look at him. He's rolled over onto his stomach, his face pressed into his pillow as he looks up at me. For a second, I wonder if he's going to talk again but I don't get a chance to ask again before he exhales heavily.
He shifts until his mouth isn't pressed into his pillow anymore, repeating what my heart desperately was hoping he wouldn't. "Cause I wanna… forget how much I miss Blake."
Part of me knew that this was too good to be true. Danny wanting me after all this time? Unlikely. Danny wanting to numb the pain and forget about everything that hurts? God, that I can fucking understand. Alcohol can only drown so much before you need another person there with you, holding you through the dark parts of the night. I'd kill to be that person for Danny but… I can't just be his one-night stand to forget his ex.
"You should get some rest," I say, keeping myself from choking as I talk, watching the pout form on his face before he opens his eyes again with a small whine. He stares up at me, blinking a few times in silence, as if he's trying to figure out why he should be sleeping.
Danny whines softly, grabbing onto my arm before I can move away from him. "No, I don't… wanna sleep," he mumbles, sitting up despite how unsteady he is. "I can't… sleep without a kiss," he says, a sleepy sort of grin on his face with the words.
You have no idea how badly I want to kiss you.
I wonder how much of this he's going to remember in the morning… but fuck it, I'm so tired of not touching him. I can't drag a smile up from the depths of my soul for this moment. But I lean down just far enough to press my lips against his forehead and he groans at the contact. I pull away before I have the chance to linger too long but I smile at him despite the way my heart is aching. I can't do anything to him when he's too drunk to remember any of it in the morning.
"Night, Danny," I say, stepping away from him until his hand falls from me. He whines again, collapsing back onto his mattress and I leave his room, closing the door behind me. I tell myself that it's better this way. I want him to remember the moment I press my lips to his and not have it stained with the bitter taste of alcohol.
Everyone downstairs is still drinking and the music is pounding but I start kicking everyone out. I send the people too drunk to remember their own names home in Uber's and by the time 3 ticks around, I've closed the door after the last person.
I make one final sweep of the house, checking the rooms upstairs and the kitchen again to make sure I haven't missed anyone, before I return to the living room where the music is still playing. And seeing the floor, littered with red cups and empty beer cans, reminds me of when I walked in here earlier and saw Danny dancing. He had his eyes closed, moving his hips to the beat like nobody else. He was so transfixed by the music, it was mesmerizing. I wish I could have that moment again. I wish I would have been brave enough to cross the dance floor and hold him in my arms instead of losing my chance to other people.
I should probably head home but… his place is completely trashed. Empty cups and garbage are strewn everywhere throughout the kitchen and dining room and dishes are piled in the sink from something I must have missed. I'm exhausted but I don't want Danny to have to deal with this first thing in the morning and there's no one else here.
The stereo is still playing softly – some playlist from Danny's phone – and I turn it up just a little before I start gathering up the trash in the living room, my mind running a million miles. I don't want to think about what Danny said to me upstairs. I don't want to know that I'm just a distraction to him.
I try not to think so I look for where the Fenton's keep their trash bags and I find a box of them in a kitchen cabinet. I gather up the trash, listening to the music coming from Danny's stereo and trying not to wonder if I'll only ever be a distraction to him. Considering how he's made fun of me before for listening to *NSYNC, I should probably tease him about putting One Direction on a playlist but… I'll let him sleep for now.
I clean up the garbage strewn throughout the house and start a small collection of things people left behind. Three phones and two shoes make it into the pile just in the living room alone – and in the kitchen I find a jacket, somebody's earrings, and Jeff's wallet.
The downstairs area is definitely more of a wreck than the upstairs is but I still check up the stairs anyway, clearing out everything that doesn't belong. Somebody ditched their cup in the bathroom tub and I carry it down the stairs to the trash bag I've been gathering everything else into.
Danny doesn't make a sound while I'm cleaning up and it isn't until I'm loading the dishes into the dishwasher that I hear him. His bedroom door creaks open and his footsteps sound across the landing. The bathroom door shuts behind him and I don't have to strain my ears for too long until I hear the shower water start running.
I finish loading up the last of the dishes and after searching for the dishwasher soap, I start the wash cycle. It quietly starts up its hum of washing and I move back into the living room, straightening up everything that's out of place.
It's just before six and the sun's slowly started rising outside. I watch it out the kitchen window for a few minutes. Until the shower water cuts off, pulling me back into reality. So I head back into the living room, exhaustion pulling at me.
The living room is the last to put back in order and I've just finished straightening the Fenton's DVD collection when I hear the creak of the stairs. Danny's slowly moving down the staircase and I hesitate for a second, wondering if I should announce myself or wait until he passes by the living room.
When his footsteps stop at the bottom of the stairs, I decide to let him know I'm still here and I wander over to the entry to the living room, leaning against the doorframe. "Hey," I call softly, watching the way he turns to me like a deer caught in headlights.
He blinks slowly, hesitating a few seconds before he wanders over closer to me. "H-Hey," he whispers, clearing his throat a few times to gain strength. "Uhh… wh-what are you… still doing here?"
I don't know if telling him that I didn't want to leave him with this mess in the morning is something a friend would say or not but I haven't had time to prepare an excuse. I didn't expect him to wake up before I left.
"I just thought… that you wouldn't want to have to deal with the mess of a party first thing in the morning."
Danny's cheeks flush and he scoffs a little, looking away from me. "Well… thank you," he says softly. He keeps his gaze turned away as he folds his arms over his chest, rubbing at one arm as though he's cold.
He takes a few steps away from me and exhales out quietly. "I'm gonna get some water," he says, crossing the hallway into the kitchen and I watch from the doorway, torn between going after him and giving him space.
I duck back into the living room to switch the music off. I unplug his phone from the stereo and power the machine off, passing his phone between my hands once or twice before I start for the kitchen.
Danny's standing beside the sink, one hand braced on the counter and the other around a glass half-full of water. He looks up when I step into the kitchen and I set his phone on the counter beside him. He glances at it for a second before he nods, lifting the glass to his mouth again and taking in a few large swallows.
I watch his throat move for only a few seconds before I look away from him. It isn't the time to stare at him the way I've always done in the past. I might be falling for him but he's just looking for someone to ease the aching in his chest.
"Probably not gonna be a surprise to you but… my head's killing me," Danny mutters softly, running his hand down his face with a heavy sigh. He glances toward me as he sets the glass down and swipes his phone from the counter.
He makes a face at whatever loads up on his screen and flicks his stare up to meet mine. "Judging from these photos… I'm guessing I made an idiot of myself tonight?" he asks, taking a step closer and turning his phone toward me.
On his screen is a photo of him with his arms slung around two of my teammates, all three of them grinning at whoever took the photo. He didn't make an idiot of himself tonight. I pulled him down from the table before he could say too much and… other than a slew of hangovers, I don't think anyone will remember this come Monday morning.
"It wasn't… that bad." I let out a breath when he looks at me, disbelief clear in his expression. "I stopped it from getting horrible. You just got really drunk," I tell him, shrugging as I step away. I don't want to keep distance between us but it still hurts to be this close to him. Because I want him more than he'll ever want me.
Danny frowns a little as he sets his phone on the counter again and I force a small smile onto my face. "Sorry, I'm just tired. I should head home," I tell him, putting more space between us than my heart wants. I don't want to leave him like this but… I really am tired.
I'm exhausted from trying to chase after him and make him see me as more than just a friend. I'm tired of seeing everyone I care about having to deal with shit. I'm tired of having to deal with my own shit. I'm tired of not having everything together and I'm so fucking tired of not being able to see past my own selfish wants.
"I'll see you… later today, I guess," I say, forcing a bigger smile on my face as I start away from Danny. He follows after me in silence and I don't speak either. I just double check that I have my wallet along with Jeff's, my keys, and my phone before I tug open his front door.
Danny's watching me in silence as I turn back to look at him and I don't know what to say. Goodbye seems so simple but there's nothing else for me to say. I'm not the kind of person that breathes words of comfort and I don't know how to ease someone else's hurt. All I know how to do is take.
I can only smile again but I think even he knows that it's forced this time. "Goodnight, Danny," I say before I turn to the door again. I get as far as putting my hand on the screen door before he stops me.
"Wait," he calls, crossing the foyer over to where I'm standing. I step back when he gets close to me and I let go of the door as he pulls it from me. He's silent for a few seconds before he pushes the door closed and leans his back against it, hesitating a moment before he looks up at me.
His blue eyes seem so much more alive now than any other time I've seen him. I don't know why but his gaze makes my breath catch in my throat.
"You don't have to go," he whispers softly. Like something in him has seen something in me and he's decided that he likes whatever piece of my broken soul he's examined. But it's only wishful thinking on my part. He's not stopping me because of anything I've done. He just doesn't want to be alone.
I let out a breath, tearing my gaze away from his unguarded expression. I don't want to push him away but I can't do this. I can't let myself get tangled up in someone that will only want me for the night. Because as badly as I want Danny, I can never be good for him.
"I think you should get some rest," I respond softly, somehow managing to look back at him. He swallows hard and I feel my heart jump. God, Danny. Do you even know how much you're killing me?
Danny drops his stare to the floor and runs his tongue along his bottom lip. He takes a step away from the door before looking up at me again, his cheeks flushed a pink so pretty, I know it can't be for me. Nothing that beautiful will ever belong to a guy like me.
"My parents… won't be home until Sunday," he whispers, taking another step closer to me. Until we're inches from each other. Until I can feel the air around us shake as he draws in a breath. Until I see stars just from how bad my soul longs for him.
God, I want him. I want to stop fucking thinking about everything that's gonna go wrong if we're together. I don't want to let myself be talked out of this but… it's not right. Seeing Blake tonight has made Danny vulnerable. He would never be talking to me like this if he didn't feel the need to drown the loneliness.
"I can't stay," I respond, my voice coming out quieter than I meant it to. I don't want to hurt Danny but I have to make him see that this can't happen. Not tonight. And when he takes my hand in his, looking up at me with a hesitation in his eyes, I know I have to be clearer. "Paulina's waiting on me."
Danny drops my hand almost immediately, surprise clear in his expression. He takes a small step backward from me, opening and closing his mouth without a sound. God, I don't want to hurt you. Please don't hate me.
"It's just to talk," I say in an attempt to soften the blow but he doesn't look convinced.
He runs a hand up and down his arm, exhaling out heavily before he looks at me again. "This late? You're… meeting up with her just to talk?" he asks, the curiosity clearly marred by something else. Some other emotion he's trying hard to conceal.
I don't know what to say in response so I say nothing, dropping my gaze to the floor. There's nothing to say that isn't going to hurt him and that's the last thing I want to do. But… I can't let him keep me here either. Because there's no telling what will happen if I stay the night.
"You're with Paulina again?" he asks softly, the worry clear in his tone. He crosses his arms tightly over his chest again, a shaky breath leaving him. "When did that happen?"
I don't want to lie to him but I need to go. Because if I don't, I'll do things to him that he'll regret in the morning. And I promised myself I'd keep Danny safe tonight. Even if the person I'm protecting him from is me.
"We're just seeing where things go from here," I lie, shrugging in an attempt to look casual about it. I don't know how to pretend that my heart isn't breaking from the look on his face but I disguise it as well as I can. "It just sort of… happened."
Danny swallows hard, looking away from me and I don't miss the fact that he's blinking rapidly. And it hurts me to know that I've caused this. I've pushed him again but this time, I'm not doing it for my own selfishness. I'm doing it to protect him. Despite how much he's hurting, I promise myself that this is for him. Please don't cry for me, Danny. I promise you, I'm not worth your tears.
"I should go," I say softly, stepping away from him and toward the door again.
He mumbles something under his breath and I don't catch all of it but I hear enough. He's hurting. Wondering why I'm going back to her. Even if this was a real thing, even I was really leaving so I could be with Paulina, it's not like it would erase the way I feel for him.
"Danny, what's wrong with this? Why does me going to see Paulina bother you?" I ask, all of my willpower slowly slipping away from me as I turn back to look at him. His back is still to me but I know he's listening. And I don't want to leave here tonight if this isn't just about Blake.
He won't look back at me and that cuts more than it should. "Nothing's wrong with it, Dash," he says, matching my step toward him with one away. He shakes his head, shrugging like it doesn't matter but it does. It does.
"Maybe I'll call up Blake after you're gone," he says, a certain edge to his tone that sends my heart into my throat.
"Why would you do that?" I ask, my own voice soft and weak on the few words.
Danny looks over his shoulder, shrugging once before he turns to face me. He's giving me a look like I should know why he's considering it. Like it's my fault that he's entertaining the idea of falling asleep in Blake's arms tonight. If he's doing this because he's lonely, then I'll drop all my fucking pretenses and I'll stay with him.
"Danny, I-"
"I'm tired of being alone, Dash," he breathes, looking away from me as his bottom lip trembles. "And it's not like… anyone else is lining up to be with me."
Let me be the one, Danny. Please. Want me for more than just a balm to your aching heart and I swear, I'd stay with you forever.
Danny lets out a soft breath, folding his arms over his chest as he looks my way again. "Was he… upset when you sent him home earlier?"
I don't care if he was. He was fucking with Danny's emotions and he punched Jeff. I don't care what the hell Blake was feeling.
"How you can feel anything for him?" I ask before I think it through.
Danny shrugs but from the look on his face, I know there are a thousand things he wants to tell me. So I push for it with just a look and he gives in with a sigh.
"You didn't know him like I did. Before all of this shit… Blake was good. He was kind, Dash." He chews on his bottom lip, unable to hold my gaze for long. "Before he started building up walls to keep people out, he was a kind person. He treated me… so well."
"I find that hard to believe." It's out of my mouth before I can stop it but I realize I don't want to take it back.
Danny looks at me. "That's because you didn't know him."
"Fine – maybe he wasn't an ass to you before. But he is now," I argue. "How can you care about him after everything he's done? After all the ways he's hurt you?"
He shrugs one shoulder so I push again. "That's not an answer."
Danny's expression darkens and he looks away from me in the silence. I hate this space that's opening up between us. It's filled with all of our misunderstandings and the things neither one of us are brave enough to say. He can't explain why he wants to even consider the idea of inviting Blake over when I'm gone. I can't find the words to say that I want to be the one that spends the night with him, even if I know he won't want me in the morning.
"Dash, he was my first," Danny whispers softly.
Fuck. It's hard to swallow past the words hanging in the air between us now but I find my voice before my brain catches up to my heart. I speak without thinking and I don't want to know the answer. I'm afraid of the answer. But I ask it anyway.
"First what?"
He lets out a heavy breath, blinking rapidly as he raises his stare to the ceiling. "Everything," he breathes, squeezing his eyes closed. "The first boy I ever kissed. First person I ever had sex with… the first person I gave my heart to." He places his hand over his chest where his heart is and lets out a breath that shakes. "My first love and my first heartbreak. His hold on me… eve after everything… it stretches beyond anything I can comprehend."
Fuck. This complicates everything.
"Danny, I-"
When he lets out another shaky breath, I stop talking. There's nothing I can say to ease this damage between us. This space is more like a chasm, opening wider and wider the longer we both talk. I'm terrified to fall in. But if I don't jump, I'll never make it over to his side. I'll never know if we have a chance at anything.
"If… there's something you want me to say… then just tell me," I whisper, closing some of the distance between us. "Cause I can't keep guessing what you need to hear."
He drops his hand from his heart and I immediately take his hand in mine. I can't stop myself from ducking my head and dragging my lips along his knuckles. His face flushes with the action but he doesn't say a word, staring back at me like he's trying to read my expression. Like he's trying to figure out why I'm doing this now. After telling him that I don't want to spend the night. After saying that I'm figuring this out with Paulina.
"I don't want you to say anything, Dash," he whispers, pulling his hand from mine.
It's simple. Things aren't complicated between us because there isn't an us. He doesn't want me and I'm used to building up walls to protect my heart. He wants Blake or someone better at this than me – he could never want me. He's been trying to chase out the loneliness tonight and I was just the person that was here. No matter what I do, he'll never want me the way that I want him.
I think I expected to feel some kind of relief from finally having my answer. To finally know that I don't belong with him and that I never will. Because I'm not the kind of person to kiss bruises or hold someone through the darkness. I expected to feel relieved that he won't be looking for that in me anymore but I don't. I just feel empty.
Danny doesn't look at me when I tell him goodnight and I leave his house without hearing another word from him. I pull the door closed behind me and he locks it almost immediately. Part of me aches for him, for the long night ahead where he's alone in that empty house. Or maybe he'll make that phone call and Blake will be the one spending the night with him. I ache for Danny. But I ache for me too. Because I don't know what to do with this stupid, broken heart anymore.
I stumble down his front steps and walk over to my Mitsubishi, weaving through the maze of cars abandoned in front of his house from people that were way too drunk to drive themselves home. I climb in behind the wheel and though I start my engine and get the heat going immediately, I have a feeling I'll be cold the whole way home.
A/N:
Yooooo!
So first, I've been editing this thing for a month omg. I wanted to get an update in before now but oh well. Life happened. Point is, it's here now and I hope it's every bit as angsty as you were hoping it would be
SO. Danny's birthday. The party. Th s… anything you have to say about any of this, please let me know, I'm dying to hear what you're thinking about all of this
This chapter went through so many changes, it's pretty much unrecognizable from the first version of it. And even though there was a lot of doubt in my mind during the editing process, I'm actually really happy with the way it came out. This might be my favorite chapter ever… also I'm sorry about how frustrating it is – believe me, I wish the boys could just kiss too!
There's so much to unpack with this chapter, I don't know where to start. What do you think of the whole pregnancy storyline with Star? That was something that wasn't planned from the start. But when I hit this chapter in terms of writing, I wrote it in and that was that pretty much
What do you think of Blake? Is Danny an idiot for thinking of Blake after everything he's done? Do you feel like he's testing Dash by mentioning that he wants to call Blake?
Oh and Dash now has the files on the phantom! What do you think he's going to do with them? What do you WANT him to do with them? What do you think of Valerie sticking that bow on his chest? Gotta admit, I cracked up when I thought of the idea and I knew I had to include it somehow
I could probably keep going on about this chapter forever so I'll leave it there. The song I chose this title from is Let Me Love the Lonely by James Arthur. My dudes… listen to it. It's probably the most Dash and Danny song I've ever mentioned here. Just… so much yes
Thank you so much for coming back update after update to see how the boys are doing. I'm sorry things are so desperate between them right now. Expect more of the same next chapter as well as two boys stargazing, the return of Howard, and plenty of angst to go around
See you next update!
