English class, freshman year. Our first assignment was to pick a few quotes for the next four years of our lives.
I remember spending hours pouring over books and websites looking for the perfect quotes because I thought it was important. I thought something as stupid as a freshman quote mattered. Now, I can barely remember any of the ones I chose. Except the one that raced through me and rattled my bones the moment I was standing in Danny's bedroom, realizing for the first time that I didn't matter to him. That I was just someone to drown the pain with.
Richard Pryor once said that only three types of people tell the truth. Kids, drunk people, and anyone who's pissed the fuck off.
Danny was only one of those people and though my stupid, desperate heart wants to believe that he wasn't telling the truth, that he chased after my kiss for more reasons than just to make him forget about Blake... I can't let myself go there. I can't entertain the idea that I might have a chance with someone like him.
My tires against the road and the sound of my heater are the only things I hear as I drive across town while everyone else is still asleep. While my friends and this whole damn town are asleep, Danny's either sitting up alone – or fucking Blake, and I'm keeping my engine running. Cause I can't stop myself from thinking. The party started out with such a promise. And it only took Danny's drunk rambling to steal that hope far away from my bruised heart.
I push my car to go faster, flying through red lights because I know all the officers in Amity Park aren't looking for anyone right now. I've visited the station in the early morning hours enough times to know when the officers are actually out of the precinct and when they're sitting around talking with each other. Because not a goddamn thing goes on inside of this sleepy town.
A drive in this early lighting, with nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company, would normally relax me and lull me into an almost peaceful state. But not this time. Because the broken pieces of my heart are littered across the floor of my car. I don't know how long it'll be until I find a way to scrape those broken pieces up off the floor and somehow glue them back together but it has to be soon… I see Danny on Sunday. I have to have it together before then.
I don't even try for my neighborhood, I drive right past the turn before I think about it. I don't want to go home to an empty house. Even if dad's there, it'll be like I'm on my own. And I really don't fucking want to be alone.
All the lights in Paulina's house are still off and I feel bad waking her up. But I don't manage to stop myself from leaving my car and starting for her backyard. The key to the back gate is still underneath the plant with the broken pot and judging from how dirty it is, I'm guessing no one's used this in months. Not since the last time I came around like this.
I'm quiet as I slip into her backyard and close the gate behind me, pocketing the key before I stoop to grab a handful of pebbles from the rock bed the rose bushes are planted in. A couple of the thorns get me as I pull back my handful of rocks and I swear under my breath.
My fingers shake a little as I sort out some of the rocks that are too big to throw. I'm aiming to wake her up, not break her window. The last thing I need is to accidentally wake her parents and have them find me here like this.
I have to get a second handful of rocks and I'm almost halfway through it before the light clicks on in Paulina's bedroom. I watch her silhouette in front of the curtains before she pulls them back and looks down into the yard, blinking in the morning light.
It's hard to tell from so far up but Paulina looks confused as she unlocks her window. She opens the window and shoves it upward, tugging on it twice to make sure it isn't going to fall before she sticks her head out.
"Dash, what are you doing here?" she whispers, tugging her night robe closer around her body. It's black and silky as hell. I bought her that robe. I picked it out for her one Christmas. Back when we thought we were meant to be together. Back before everything.
She tucks her hair behind one ear. "It's still early," she says, hesitating a second longer before she asks it. "Have you slept at all?"
I want to tell her everything about what happened and how I've been driving around for hours. I want to ask her to make me forget all about it but saying that into the open air of her backyard isn't easy. My voice falters twice and I give up.
"Paulina I… I don't want to be alone."
She gives me a sympathetic look and leans her forearms against her windowsill. "Do you want me to come down with you?" she asks. I try to tell her what I want but I don't know how. She only waits a few seconds before she asks, "Do you want to come up?"
"Please," I whisper, blinking back the tears I didn't anticipate. She nods, and tells me to meet her at the backdoor, shutting her window before she disappears.
I numbly move from the grass in the backyard to the patio, waiting outside the backdoor. The chill reaching me through my jacket and I don't know if coming here was the right decision anymore. My heart is broken and I want someone to make me forget. But it's not Paulina's job to fix me. It's mine. It's just… I fucking suck at it.
Paulina opens the back door and quickly ushers me inside, whispering softly that we need to be quiet so we don't wake her parents. It reminds me of when we were younger. When she was the only one that I thought could make me happy. God, I put so much of my shit on her when we were dating and all along… she was quietly dealing with Blake and all of the shit that goes along with him.
I follow her up the stairs and though the top stair creaks after both of us, we don't hear a sound from her parents bedroom. We quickly step into her room and she pushes the door closed behind us.
For a second, we just stare at each other, not knowing what to do. Paulina adjusts faster than I do and takes my hand in hers, leading me over to her bed. We sit on one end of the mattress together and she curls her arm around my back.
"You're freezing, Dash," she says, dropping her cheek against my shoulder with a small exhale. She runs her hand up and down my back and I close my eyes to the sensation, trying to keep myself from spilling everything that my shaking bones want to drop at her feet and ask her to help me fix.
Paulina squeezes me tighter and I wince, a faint pain from the rib dad cracked weeks ago still twinging at the pressure. She turns toward me at the noise but I don't open my eyes, too afraid of what I'll say when I finally look at her.
"What happened?" she asks softly and I can't stop myself. The habit of making someone else help me sort out my shit is so deeply ingrained in my bones, it's like second nature to open my mouth and spill all of my hurt.
I drag in a breath, turning to her but not holding her gaze. "It's Danny," I whisper, chewing on the inside of my lip as the feeling bubbles up inside of me, gnawing at the edges of my fraying heart. I don't know how to tell her that I want him more than I ever wanted anyone or anything and that I have to give him up. Because he doesn't need me. Not the way that I need him.
Paulina's eyebrows are drawn down when I manage to lift my gaze to hers and though my voice shakes as I start, the story comes out and I don't know why I tried to hold it back. This kind of shit is going to burn for the rest of my life, I might as well spill it now.
"He doesn't… He never wanted me, Paulina. He just wants to forget about Blake. And I guess he thought that I could help him c-cause he was… drunk and rambling and he tried to kiss me but I knew he wasn't doing this because he wants me. He just wants to forget Blake and I don't… Paulina, I don't know how to get over it. I want him so badly but he doesn't want me and I just, I can't, I don't… this can't, I-"
She cuts me off by tugging me against her and I realize just how loud my voice has become in the silence that follows. I let out one shaky breath after another, trying to steady myself as I hold onto Paulina. My heart hammers inside my chest with the same intensity that floods through my veins under the name anxiety. I don't know how to be okay when my whole body is shaking and betraying just how much Danny's disinterest has fucked me up.
"He was drunk, Dash. He didn't mean what he was saying," Paulina says softly, trying to ease the worry that has already stitched itself to my bones. She keeps me tight against her when a shiver runs through me but she pulls back to look at me, brushing my hair back from my face. "I mean it. You can't think about tonight as the way it's always going to be. He was scared so he started drinking. And then he was drunk and you know you can't trust what someone says when they're drunk. It's-"
I don't know why I close the distance between us and press my lips to hers. I don't know why I put my hands on her back like we're still together. I don't know why I kiss her when I'm wishing it was Danny's body I'm molding myself to.
Paulina pushes me back, her hand against my chest. She lets out a low breath and won't meet my stare as shame crawls over me. She presses her lips together, like she's tasting the kiss we shared, but I know she's trying to hold back from telling me what an idiot I am.
"I'm sorry," I blurt out, watching her gaze flit around her room a few times before she looks back at me. Her expression is unreadable and guilt pools in my stomach. "I-I don't… I'm sorry."
She shakes her head, sliding her hand down from my chest to take my hand in hers. She exhales, a smile creasing her features as she looks up at me.
"Dash… you know that I will always love you," she whispers, squeezing my hand. "And you know that I'm here for you no matter what. Whatever you need, you know I'm here." She exhales out quietly, squeezing my hand in hers before she meets my gaze. "But if you think for a second that I'll let you have me just to forget about Danny, I'll kick your ass out of here."
I swallow hard, nodding as she talks. She gives me a sad smile when she lets go of my hand and the guilt that was pooling in my stomach earlier is now flooding through my veins. God, I'm such an idiot.
"I… really am sorry," I mumble, scratching at the stubble on my chin before I look up at her again. She shrugs like it isn't a big deal and I guess it isn't. I knew the second that she pushed me away what an asshole move that was. Just because I can't have Danny doesn't mean that I can come crawling back to Paulina. She deserves better than that.
"He was drunk, Dash," she continues, like I never interrupted her with my kiss. "You can't trust what anyone says when they're drunk. You should hear some of the shit you say when you've had a few drinks."
I don't want to know the kind of things I've spilled to my friends when alcohol has coursed through my veins like my own blood. But I know it can't be worse than this. It can't be worse than what Danny said to me – what he's doing to me.
"He woke up," I say, my voice hitching on the few words. "He was asleep – I put him to bed a-and I kicked everybody out but he… he woke up, Paulina. He wasn't drunk anymore."
She purses her lips, giving me the same look she always did when we argued like this. When I thought she was my whole world and I never dreamed of pressing my lips to another boy's. When I thought I was straight.
"I think he called Blake after I left."
Paulina's eyebrows shoot up on her forehead and her mouth drops open. "Are you kidding me?"
I swallow hard, dropping my gaze from hers as I shake my head. "I wish I was." I push one of my hands through my hair, a shaky breath leaving me. "He told me before I left that he… wanted to call Blake. Because he misses him."
"And you what – left anyway?" she asks, getting up from her mattress. She pulls her robe tighter around herself, looking around her room. "What are we still doing here, we can't leave him like that."
She finally sees what she's looking for and crosses the room over to her dresser, swiping her keys from the top. "Let's go, it's not too late to stop this. He can't get involved with Blake again, he's just asking for trouble. And we both know that he's vulnerable tonight and it's our responsibility to-"
"Paulina, stop." I drop my head into my hands, trying to make sense of this. Of how she's all too willing to drive across town to stop what's probably already happened and I'm too scared to move. I don't want it to end this way. But maybe this is kinder. Maybe… this is the way it's supposed to be.
Her keys jingle together. "You don't want to stop this?"
I want nothing more than to drive across town and rip Danny away from the mistake he's making. But it's not my job. It's not my place. If he wants to dance with guys from our English class, flirt with my teammates, or crawl back to the ex that fucked him up… that's his choice. It's not the one I want him to make but it's not my decision. It's his.
"I want him to have what he wants," I admit, running my hands through my hair. "Even if he wants Blake."
Paulina sighs. "He could get hurt."
"That's his choice."
She falls silent at that and I can't explain how much this hurts. How I wish against everything that I could change this. That I could make Danny fall in love with me instead of him. But he wants what he wants and I can't be something to numb the pain. I want him too badly to ever let myself have just a taste.
Paulina drops her keys onto her dresser again with a heavy sigh. "Some of your clothes are still here from the summer. You want to change into something else before we sleep?"
I didn't expect her to agree to let me stay the night so I didn't bother asking – especially after I kissed her. But she's offering now and I really don't want to go home.
"Yeah." I get up from her mattress, kicking my shoes off and unzipping my jacket. I drop both in the floor in front of her bed and she opens her dresser, pulling out some clothes for me.
She nods when I mumble my thanks and she starts straightening the blankets on her bed as I pull my shirt off, letting it drop to the floor. She sits down on the edge of her bed and looks through her phone as I pull on a pair of shorts, shivering in the chill of the early morning. I cross over to her nightstand and she looks up at me as I put my phone down with an exhale. It's cold in Paulina's room and when she folds the blankets back, I barely need the invitation.
I scoot back against one side of her bed, closest to the wall, and she lays down next to me. The way we used to lay together when I would spend those long summer nights with her when her parents were away. Back then, I would have been holding her and keeping her warm. But warmth is no longer a substance in my bones and she's not mine anymore.
Paulina rearranges the blankets a few times, making sure we're both covered, before she drops her head against the pillow. I lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling in the early morning light and try to will my mind to just stop. I don't want to think about him anymore.
"We only have a few hours until my parents are going to be up," Paulina says softly and I look at her.
I watch the way her side rises and falls as she tells me that her dad has some kind of meeting tomorrow – something to do with Saturday training with some of the interns and I blank. I stop hearing her talk and when she falls silent again, I barely acknowledge her beyond a simple sigh. But knowing the kind of shit she's always put up with from me, I guess she must be used to it by now.
Paulina drifts off to sleep but I can't. I force myself to close my eyes but sleep doesn't want to find me the way it has her. She turns toward me in her sleep and I envy the peaceful expression on her face. Like wherever she's at in dreamland is good. Like all the bullshit of this life can't touch her there.
The morning sun rises higher in the sky and I hear distant thunder as I lean over her to grab my phone from the nightstand. I scroll through Facebook for a few minutes but looking at pictures of Danny's party and status updates from my friends only renews the feeling of loneliness in my gut.
I close out and open my texts instead, finding myself typing out a message to Alex instead of Kwan or literally anyone else I could talk to about this shit. There's something about spilling out everything to Alex that calms me down. Like he's the only person I know that could come up with some way to ease the aching in my bones.
To: Alex
I went to a party at Danny's place last night
He got really drunk
Tried to kiss me
And I wanted to kiss him so badly, Alex
But it's not me he wants
He just wanted to forget about his ex. And I guess he wanted to use me to do it
I don't know where to go from here
There's nothing more for me to say and as soon as the last message sends, a stab of regret courses through me. I don't know why I told him any of that. Why I'm wasting his time with more of my pathetic attempts at finding love or something worthwhile in this town.
I cut my phone screen off and return my stare to the ceiling of Paulina's bedroom, dropping my phone against my chest. I don't want to think anymore and if there was a god or anyone that I could talk to, I'd just plead with them to knock me out. Just let me sleep so I don't have to feel like this anymore. So I don't have to think about Danny. I have to stop wanting him.
My dreams are made up of distorted parties and pressing kisses to Danny's pale skin, intermittent with claps of thunder that shake me. I'm not deep enough into the dream to believe it's reality and that makes the experience of it even weirder. I dream that we're at prom together, laughing at something Kwan's telling us. Danny's got his arm around mine and when I turn to him, the scene changes.
We're standing on a beach, side-by-side, looking out at the water. A little ways down the sand, our friends are building a bonfire, talking and laughing as Jeff and Blake try to splash everyone with sea water. I don't know how but I can tell that even in the dream, I'm sad. At something I don't quite understand and Danny keeps telling me that it'll be okay. It'll be okay. I just have to wake up. He promises me that everything will be okay but I have to wake up.
"Dash, you need to wake up," his voice comes softly and I almost believe it's his. My heart wants to believe it's his. But a faint vibration against the mattress I'm lying on wakes me completely and I know it's Paulina who's really talking.
I roll over, blinking open an eye to see Paulina standing in front of her closet, dressed for the day already. I watch her in silence for a few seconds, as she puts on a few bracelets and gathers up her purse and shoes, before I mumble my response.
"I'm awake."
Paulina turns back to look at me and sympathy is all I can see in her eyes. I don't want her to feel bad for me anymore. I don't want anyone's pity just because I can't have the boy that my heart's been dreaming about since that night on the beach.
"You going out?" I ask, pushing back her covers despite the shiver that runs through me. December in Amity Park is brutal. I get out of her bed, stumbling a little as I trip over the clothes I left on her floor last night.
She exhales softly, sinking down on the edge of her mattress as she watches me. "Yeah. I'm headed to the mall with Star and some of the girls… why?" she asks.
I shrug, sliding my pajama shorts off and replacing them with my jeans. "Just asking," I mumble, sliding my shirt on over my head, quickly followed by my jacket. God, it's fucking freezing and I hate that I don't have the luxury of a lazy Saturday morning in bed because I'm not at my place. "What time is it?"
She lets out a soft breath. "Just past eleven… you didn't get much sleep."
I shrug. "I'll manage." I always do.
Paulina watches as I get dressed and just as I pull my keys from my jeans pocket, she holds my phone out to me. I take it with a small nod, shoving it into the pocket my keys just vacated and I let out a breath.
"Guess I'm off then," I say, zipping my jacket closed.
She stands from her bed and walks the few steps toward me, holding out her arms for a hug. I don't know if the gesture is because she feels bad for me or if it's because of the history between us. Either way, I walk into her embrace and drop my cheek against her shoulder.
Paulina holds me tightly, wrapping her arms firmly around me and rubbing her palms up and down my back. She lets one hand move up higher, her fingers running gently through the back of my hair, and it elicits a sigh from me.
"You'll figure this out, Dash. I know you will," she whispers, turning just a little to press a kiss to my cheek before she's holding me firmly again. "It might take a little while but you'll figure out how to make this work."
I don't know if there is a way to make it work. If by some miracle, Danny didn't spend last night with Blake, I don't know how to believe that he could ever want me for more than a distraction. And that isn't even the worst part. The worst part is that I get it. You want to forget the football player you dated, you fuck the quarterback. I get it. I just wish that wasn't what Danny wanted.
"Thanks for letting me stay over," I say, pulling away when Paulina lets up on her hold on me. I don't have to force the smile on my face this time but even I can tell it's a sad expression. Paulina's expression is sympathetic in response and she reaches to brush the hair back from my forehead.
I take her hand in mine before she can touch me and squeeze gently. "I hope you have fun with the girls today," I tell her, that sad smile still on my face as I drop her hand from mine.
She exhales softly and steps away from me. "Come on, my dad left already but I'll sneak you out the back before my mom sees you," she says, crossing over to the door and pulling it open for me.
I follow behind her in silence and we walk down the stairs without making a noise – except for one creaky stair. And it's that one stair that draws attention to the two of us.
"Paulina, is that you?" her mom calls and Paulina swears under her breath, turning back to me with an apologetic expression.
She exhales softly, shaking her head before she responds. "Yeah. I'm getting ready to go out with the girls like I told you about," she says, hesitating a second or two before she continues. "Are you still meeting dad for lunch?"
"You know your father – he's probably overbooked again and will end up late to the restaurant," her mom calls back, her voice getting louder as she starts for the stairs. I let go of the railing to shove my hands deep inside my jeans pockets, hoping that when her mom sees me, this'll look casual instead of like the walk of shame.
Paulina takes another step down the stairs but I don't follow after her, listening to the click of her mom's high heels against the floor until she comes into view. She's rattling on about something to do with a parent-teacher meeting next week but she quickly stops talking, her gaze drifting higher up on the staircase until her gaze meets mine. She raises her eyebrows, lifting her coffee mug to her lips for a slow sip.
"You didn't tell me you were seeing him again," her mom says, addressing Paulina like I'm not even standing here. Then again… it's the way she acted when we were dating. She always talked at me instead of to me.
Paulina exhales softly, sparing a glance back at me before she turns to her mom. "I'm not. He just came by last night to talk and we fell asleep," she says, but her mom is rolling her eyes before she's even finished talking.
"I've heard that one before," Mrs. Sanchez says, looking past Paulina to look at me. "Tell me something, Dash. Did you have the sense to use a condom with my daughter or do I need to get her a morning after pill?" her mom questions, her eyes narrowed into thin slits as she stares at me.
"Mom!" Paulina scoffs as she gives her mom a look. "Just stop, okay? Nothing happened last night."
Her mom purses her lips, looking from me back to Paulina. "Can you really blame me? After how long I spent repairing the damage that "one stupid night" caused our family? Can you really fault me for wanting to take caution?"
Paulina turns back to me, with a sigh and I step down another stair. "You should go," she says, patting me on the arm before she walks down the rest of the stairs, past her mom. She's cleared the way for me and I quickly follow, not wanting to get caught in another one of her mom's death stares. I almost forgot what those looked like.
I can feel her mom staring at me but I don't look back at her. I fall into step with Paulina instead, keeping my gaze on the front door. I can deal with her mom laying insults at my feet – I'm just glad it's not her dad. I have no clue if he still thinks I'm the one that got his daughter pregnant but I don't want to stick around and find out.
"Call me later?" Paulina asks, crossing the living room with me. She opens the front door and holds it open for me, leaning her head against the side of the door. "Drive safe, okay?"
"Of course," I respond, hesitating a second before I lean forward to kiss her cheek. She smiles when I pull back and I return the expression. "Thanks for letting me stay with you last night. I don't… know what I would have done if I hadn't come by here."
Paulina makes a face, reaching out to put a hand on my shoulder. "Good thing we'll never know then," she says, squeezing my shoulder with her words before she pulls back with another smile. "I'll see you later, Dash."
I leave her place and I can practically hear her mom starting in on her as Paulina waves goodbye from the front door. I probably just made Paulina's morning more difficult than it should be. All because I don't know how to handle it when my heart gets broken. Am I ever going to stop taking from everyone around me?
The drive back to my place is punctuated by the usual sounds – my radio playing softly and my tires against the road. I've been on enough lonely drives to memorize the sound by now. And today's no different – the sound draws me in and gives me just enough to focus on so I don't have to think about all of the fucked up shit in my head.
Dad's car isn't in the driveway when I pull up and I think I breathe a sigh of relief. If I can lay low for a while, I can find the time to piece my heart back together and dad won't have the opportunity to kick me while I'm down. Figuratively or literally – it doesn't matter.
I'm gathering some clothes for a shower when my phone starts vibrating in my pocket. If it was just a text, I'd ignore it until later but dad's name is flashing across my screen when I pull my phone from my pocket. Ugh.
"Hello?" I answer, propping the phone between my ear and my shoulder as I continue to search through my closet. It's cold as fuck outside and I'd rather not lose my nuts just walking to and from my car today. I don't know if I even have plans to be out of the house today but… at the very least, I need to get some coffee.
"Where the hell are you?" dad's voice comes through the phone, sharp and biting like always.
I exhale out, sliding a few hangers of t-shirts out of my way to get a pair of jeans. "Morning to you too," I respond, pulling the jeans off the hanger. "I'm at home. Why?"
"What do you mean why? You didn't come home last night. I've been calling you all morning," he responds, playing the concerned parent card like he has any fucking right to. He hasn't been "concerned" about me since that day I hurt my calf during a game.
I don't know if I can deal with this bullshit today. I just want to be miserable and forget about everything. But if dad's on my ass, I won't be able to relax even for a second while I'm home. I'll constantly be waiting for him to come home and pounce.
"Sorry. I meant to call," I lie, finding a t-shirt that looks more comfortable than the others. I take a pair of boxers from my dresser and shut my closet door again. "Did you need me for something? Cause I'm gonna take a shower."
Dad exhales heavily through the phone and to anyone else, it'd just sound like an irritated sigh. But my childhood has trained me better than that. He's pissed as fuck but I have no clue why. Usually, I have some kind of idea but I'm blanking right now. Maybe it's how fucked up my sleep was.
"Come by the station," dad says and there's a moment of hesitation before he hangs up the phone and my stomach drops. What the fuck does he want me at the station for?
Anxiety sparks alive in my chest and I find it hard to swallow as I slide my phone back into my pocket. My fingers are trembling just a little as I pick up my clothes and I tell myself that it's just gonna be a talk with dad. That he's just playing the concerned parent card because he's in front of his coworkers. And that once we're alone, he'll go back to ignoring me or hating me or whatever he has planned for today. I just… hope I get through whatever's waiting on me at the station first.
The drive out to the station isn't soothing like my drives usually are. I'm on edge this time and I can't relax. No amount of soft music pouring from my stereo speakers or the rhythm of my tires against the road can calm me down. The nerves are winding their way up my chest and wrapping around my esophagus, cutting off all oxygen.
It feels like no time has passed as I park my car in the station's lot. The trembling in my fingers has become bad enough that I drop my keys as soon as I take them out of the engine. A shaky breath leaves me and I grab my keys from the floor, dropping them into the center console as I pull my phone from my pocket.
Texts I didn't read this morning are still waiting on me. I don't know if I have the mental energy to respond to any of them but… I have to do something to keep myself distracted before I go inside.
Danny's left a handful of texts on my phone and I already know that I'm not in the right place to read his messages yet. Later, I promise myself, opening Alex's conversation instead. My stomach drops as I realize that reading his messages is a little like reading Danny's, considering what I texted him when I was trying to fall asleep next to Paulina.
From: Alex
Jeez, kid. You sure he just wanted to forget his ex?
He was drunk… maybe he didn't mean what he was saying?
Dash, I know that it sucks right now and you feel like he doesn't but Danny really does care about you. When I was in the crowd with him at the Ravens final game, he was telling me and Ana about how proud he is of you
Seriously, he couldn't stop talking about you
He cares more than you know, okay? Try to remember that
It's hard to remember that when my soul is telling me otherwise. When I look at him and ache, it's hard to remind myself that he cares too. Because I don't know if his care goes beyond a friend. And I'm standing so far past the friendship line, I don't know why he can't see it.
I type out a few things in response to Alex but I don't send any of them. Because I really don't have the mental energy for this. I pocket my phone and get out of my car, locking it behind me before I shove my keys to the bottom of my pocket.
My steps are slow and nerves are shooting up and down my veins, telling me to just get back in my car and drive away. I don't know why I can't convince myself to leave. Nothing good can come of this. God, please let me be wrong about this.
I open the front door to the station and walk through the lobby, keeping my head down as I walk. I don't want to look at anyone and thankfully, no one stops me. Everyone knows who my dad is because I used to visit him here all the time.
Dad's standing just inside his office, talking with Chuck and Milo, and my steps become slower as I near his office. He's distracted which gives me just enough time to steel myself before he notices me. His eyebrows draw down when I'm in his sight and I swallow hard, continuing toward him, even though my heart's pounding wildly in my chest.
Milo falls silent when I come to a stop only a few steps from them. My hands are shaking in my pockets but I try to disguise it as best as I can, forcing myself to keep my stare on dad. There's something so cold in his expression, I can't help the shiver that runs through me.
"You want to tell me where the hell you've been?" dad asks and the officers he's standing with draw in a breath as they look away from me. They both know how this goes down when we're in the privacy of our home but… we're in public now. I can only hope that'll change how dad handles this.
I rub the back of my neck with one hand, dropping my stare to the floor with a shrug. "I was… at a party last night. A birthday thing for a friend," I mumble, chancing a look back up at him. "I meant to call but I just… forgot. I'm sorry."
Dad stares back at me and the fear that's been coiling in my stomach burns like acid as it courses through my veins and comes out in a shaky exhale. I should get back in my car and drive away. What the fuck am I doing here?
"I was worried about you," dad says quietly, with just enough concern that anyone listening would believe that this is just a conversation between a father and his son. But I know better than that. He's not worried about me. He's pissed off and I have no idea why.
I swallow hard, not looking away from him again. I don't know if he's trying to get me to confess to something I haven't done or if he's just pissed off because I wasn't around for him to use as his punching bag. Either way, something doesn't sit right in my gut with the thought of taking my eyes off of him.
"And then you had such a flippant attitude when I called you this morning. I don't know why you're acting this way, is something going on?" dad asks, that same fake concern injected into his tone as he takes a step closer to me.
My body goes on high alert and I instinctively take a step backward. He responds by grabbing my upper arm in a grip so tight, I know it's going to bruise. I know that days from now, the finger prints will linger on my skin and I'll have to explain it away to anyone that's curious.
"Dad, I was just… tired when you called this morning," I say, trying to subtly pull away from him. My attempts only result in him holding onto me tighter and it draws a pained wince from me.
Chuck looks at me at the noise and his eyebrows draw down. He takes a step closer to us, putting his hand on dad's shoulder. "Howard, we should really go over these case notes. We've got a limited time window to talk to everyone involved so… we need to get on this."
Dad barely glances back at him before he's focused on me again, holding me even tighter with every passing second. He doesn't say anything and I can't decide if his voice or the silence unnerves me more. I can only drag in small breaths and I can't make myself look away.
"Were you with the Fenton's kid again?" dad asks, his question cutting through all of my false courage. It destroys any sense of calm I had before the moment he touched me and I can only let out a small, shaky breath. Fuck, why is he asking me something like that?
I can't convince my trembling lungs to speak a word. To tell him no. I don't know why he's asking me that and it's making my heart pound in my chest and every breath I drag in is a struggle.
He holds me tighter. "I asked you a question."
"Why… do you care?" I know the question is a mistake the moment I ask it. He narrows his eyes and I can't stop my mind from racing through all of the possible ways this could go wrong.
"You know his parents are feds, right?" he asks, continuing before I have a chance to find enough oxygen to speak a word. "They're the reason you were arrested when their men raided your school."
What the fuck?
My mind's racing overtime, trying to understand what the hell he's telling me. I don't understand. Why would Danny's parents do that to me? I was helping their son… unless they thought I wasn't. If they saw the fire alarm as some way of directing the attention at Danny, they'd have me hauled in for sure. But then… what does that mean? Do his parents know exactly what he's capable of?
"They've been sticking their nose in our business for way too long and I don't want you near them, you understand?" dad asks, breaking my train of thought.
I look up at him and blurt out the only thing I know as the truth. "It's not Danny's fault. He wouldn't do that to me."
Dad's eyes narrow again and his grip on my arm tightens, squeezing a breath out of me. The look in his eyes is terrifying. Like he'll go after Danny if I don't stay away from him.
I don't know if there's any way dad will let me go or if there's anything the officers standing with us can say to make him. All I know is that for the first time in a long time, I'm scared of what he's going to do.
"Howard, we're on a deadline," Milo reminds him, sparing a glance at me before he shuffles through a stack of folders propped against his arm. His gaze stays on the folders but it's obvious from the look on his face that he's paying more attention to the way that dad hasn't let go of me.
"I'm… sorry. It's just, h-he's not like his parents. He wouldn't do that," I say, my voice almost dying out halfway through. I don't want to be standing in front of him anymore, trying to control the panic coursing through my veins, as I defend the only boy I've ever loved. Don't panic, just don't panic, don't fucking-
My heart is pounding in my chest and when I try to pull away from him, the noise that escapes my clenched teeth betrays how much I suck at holding back the fear. Dad doesn't let up and I pull against him harder, earning Chuck's attention.
"C-Come on, dad. I need to… get to work," I lie, the panic laced through my words, making my voice sound small and weak. "I told Alex I'd work the morning shift and I should really-"
I don't know if Chuck reaches for us before or after dad moves but everything happens so fast. All I can focus on is the sudden pain exploding across my cheekbone and eyebrow and it takes me a few seconds to realize that dad's shoved me forward a few paces and pressed me flat against the top of somebody's desk.
My chest is flush with the wood and he's got my hands pinned behind my back, holding them in place with his own hands. A surprised breath is pushed out of me as he keeps me against the desk with his arm, his elbow digging into my shoulder blade. I drag in a breath that stings a little and I realize that the sharp pain is coming from the rib that he cracked a few weeks ago. Shit.
"Howard, what the hell are you doing?" Chuck's voice breaks through my trance and reminds me that we're not in the privacy of our home. Where he can take his anger out on me without anyone finding out. We're not alone. We're standing in the middle of the police station with officers all around us. Watching us.
I feel dad's weight leave my back and I take in a breath of oxygen, my rib still aching even without his pressure against me. He's yelling behind me and I can tell someone's pulling him away. No way would he let go of me that easily.
Milo grabs my shoulders and helps me up from the desk, oblivious to how much my rib aches. He's gentle on me as he helps me stand, keeping an arm around my shoulders like he's worried that dad might come after me again. It's not like that fear doesn't run through me every day but it's crippling now. Because it's not just me he could hurt anymore. At any second, he could go after Danny.
Chuck's got a handle on dad, trying to calm him down, and I'm watching the whole fucked up scene unfold. Dad's spewing swears at me and I barely recognize him. The look on his face and the rage boiling in his eyes isn't a part of the man I grew up with. None of this is.
The man that Chuck's holding back isn't my dad. It's the same beast that put a gun to my forehead and made me beg for my life. Tried to make me give up mom for it. Chuck's got a steady grip on dad, keeping him from coming after me, and Milo's slowly pushing me behind him. Like he wants to protect me from the monster I share a home with. And I can't do this anymore.
I push away from Milo, passing by Chuck and dad on my way to the door. Dad calls after me, screaming my name and ugly swear words but I'm not listening. I don't care. I hate him for fucking with me. For doing this in front of people. For practically threatening Danny.
I hate him for always having control over me. But I hate me too. I hate myself for ever giving him the opportunity to fuck with me. And a small part of my soul makes a quiet promise. What happened here today marks the last time I'll ever give dad this kind of control.
My car is in desperate need of an oil change and I drive straight to the garage, not bothering to check if he's even working today. Part of me hopes he is. Because I want to ask if I can spend a couple days at his place, while I work through everything dad said about Danny's parents.
The garage is up and running when I come to a stop in the parking lot but it's not Alex who's there. Anastasia's the one that's working today and I'm trying to decide if that's some kind of sign. If maybe him not being here means that I shouldn't ask him to stay with him… fuck, does the universe really send signs like that or am I just fucking paranoid?
I ease my car up to the edge of the garage and roll my window down when Anastasia starts my way. She crouches down by my window to look at me, propping her clipboard against her arm as a grin lights up her features.
"What are you doing? Alex didn't put you on the schedule this week," she says, flipping a page on her clipboard before she nods. "Yep, you're not on here at all. Sneaking in before his shift starts?" she asks, a teasing lilt to her voice.
I try to smile – try to joke. But a low exhale escapes me instead and I have to look away from Anastasia. Because her expression quickly becomes concerned and I know I'll spill far too much of the truth at her feet.
My throat is dry when I swallow but I manage to keep from speaking my pain into the silence between us. "I'm just gonna change my oil," I say, turning back to look at her without the forced smile that I feel the need to make. I don't want to lie to her but it's not like I can tell her everything. But maybe it's not her I need to talk to about this stuff. Maybe it's time I tell the one person who's always had my back and been on my side through everything. I think it's time I let him and let him help me. Because this time, I could use the help.
"Could you… ask Alex to meet me here?"
It's just past eleven when Alex's Challenger comes to a stop in the parking lot. I finished changing my oil a while ago but I've left my car in the bay. I'm sitting on the hood, my legs hanging off in front of the driver's side tire, just staring out into the shop as Anastasia and Stephen work.
Alex is quiet as he comes into the garage and his tone is soft as he greets the other two. Anastasia gives him a hesitant smile that I think is mostly for me and Stephen waves a wrench in my direction before he returns to his work.
Just before Alex comes to a stop in front of me, for an earth-shattering second, a wave of anxiety splits through me. It twists around my insides, pulling at me, trying to convince me that talking to Alex about this shit is useless. That he doesn't care. That it doesn't matter whether I let someone in or not. I usually let anxiety have its way with me but I can't today. I might be scared of telling Alex everything but I'm terrified of going home to dad tonight.
"Hey… you doing okay?" Alex asks when he stops in front of me. He slides his hands into his pockets and I guess he's trying to keep this casual until I start talking about the ugly stuff.
I let my stare drift around the garage, trying to pick where to start. There's so much shit to tell him and I don't know how much of it I'll be able to get out without choking but I'll try. I'll talk until my voice gives out because I'm so tired of stitching these secrets to my bones just to hide them away from the world.
"I meant what I texted you. He was drunk. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you," Alex says, taking a small step closer to me. He gives me a smile when I look back at him and it takes me a second before I realize that he's talking about Danny, not dad.
A breath escapes me and I'm almost ashamed at the way it shakes so violently. But I'm tired of feeling shame or guilt for the way that I feel. I'm so tired of having to pretend that things are fine when I'm waking up in the middle of the night with a hurt so deep, I can barely breathe.
"This isn't about Danny," I say, shifting my gaze away from Alex. I lean back on my hands, the hood of my car cool beneath my palms. I let my eyes fall closed, focusing on the feeling of that chill against my fingertips, letting it keep me calm as I speak. "It's about my dad."
There's an instant tension in the air as soon as I say his name and I don't have to open my eyes to know that Alex is concerned. He shuffles closer to me in the silence and I feel his knee brush against mine, almost in a silent plea for me to keep going. And I don't think I need anyone's help telling the truth this time. It's been hurting for too long.
"He called me this morning. Wanted me to come meet him at the station. So I went and… it didn't go so well," I say, opening my eyes to stare out into the shop again. I don't know how to describe what went down at the police station this morning but a shitty explanation is better than nothing so I convince myself to give it a try. "I said a couple things that he didn't like and he ended up… shoving me down against a desk in front of a couple other officers and it was… pretty bad."
Alex takes a step closer to me again and wordlessly slides his hand from his pocket, placing his fingers under my chin. He turns my face toward him and tsks softly, gently running his thumb across my cheekbone.
"That's going to bruise," Alex says softly, letting go of my chin. He doesn't move away from me and I wish that I could stop talking now. I wish that telling him about what happened with dad this morning was all I needed to say. But if I don't get it off my chest, I'm afraid I'll never breathe again.
"You remember… when Kwan took me to the hospital? And you and Anastasia came by and I… spent the night with you?" I ask, my voice losing strength toward the end. "I didn't tell you what happened because I was scared to say it out loud but I… I'm scared to keep it to myself too."
Alex puts his hand on my shoulder and that touch is all it takes for tears to spring to life in my eyes. I barely have time to blink before one escapes the corner of my eye and runs down my cheek and my first instinct is to turn away. To not let Alex see me like this. To keep pretending that I'm strong enough to handle anything life or dad throws at me. But I'm not. I'm not superhuman. I have a breaking point too. And I think I reached mine today. I have to let someone in.
"He was… trying to find out where my mom is," I start, the anxiety coiling up and around my throat. Trying to choke me into silence. But I fight back. And I keep going. "I-I couldn't tell him because that's… she's my mom. Despite… everything, she's… sh-she's my mom and I couldn't just… hand her over and he… He couldn't stand it. He put h-his… His..."
Fuck.
I lean forward, shifting my hand from the hood of my car to swipe it down my face, trying to stop myself from shaking and just spit it out. Cause it's trying to stay lodged in my throat and I don't want to stop here. I don't want to get this close and not tell Alex what's been terrifying me since it happened.
"He put his gun to my forehead. And he… threatened to shoot if I didn't- If I didn't-" I cut myself off – not out of fear of finally telling the truth but because my stomach lurches and I'm afraid of spewing vomit at his feet.
Alex pulls me against his chest, resting his chin on top of my head. He doesn't shush me or tell me that it's okay – he doesn't say a word. He just holds me and gently rubs my back as I start to shake. I've been so fucking scared, Alex.
I don't cling to him the way that I thought I would need to but his arms around me work to ease the knot wrapped around my throat. I focus on my breathing instead of holding him – trying to breathe in time to stay calm, the way that Danny taught me all those months ago.
"I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this alone," Alex say softly, his chest rumbling against my cheek, bringing a fresh wave of tears to my eyes that waste no time in spilling out and down my cheeks. Alex only holds me tighter when he hears my sniffle and I try to stop from mentally berating myself for crying over the same shit again but… some habits are harder to break than others.
Alex pulls away from me just enough to brush my hair back from my forehead before he's pressing me against his chest again. "Everything's gonna be okay, alright? I promise you, I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that you're safe."
I shift against him a couple times, the question lying at the back of my tongue, waiting to be said. Waiting to be out in the open air instead of crawling through my mind and twisting me up with thoughts of being shot down before the words have even left my tongue.
"Can I… stay with you for a couple days?" I ask, swallowing hard to keep the lump in my throat at bay long enough to speak. "I don't want to go home to him right now."
He holds me tighter and he presses a kiss to the top of my head. And I think my soul knows his answer before he ever says it. But I don't think my heart knew how much I needed to hear it. "Dash… you are always welcome to stay with me. For however long you want it to be, my home is yours."
Alex follows me in his car when I go back to my place to grab some stuff for the next couple of days. I don't know what to pack and I guess the nerves are starting to get to me. The reality of what I'm doing is hitting me square in the chest and I can't think of what to take with me.
I stand in front of my closet, trying to make a decision, but Alex makes it for me. He just starts pulling things off their hangers and tossing them into my duffel bag, packing it down so I can fit more into it.
"You packing me for a lifetime journey or something?" I ask, a smile to my tone and on my lips when Alex turns back to me. The look he gives me is with a smile but I know the humor is lost on him. He's worried about me – I can see it on his face. And a small part of me hates myself for making him worry.
I get my textbooks and computer, making sure to grab its charger along with the one for my phone too. I pack my computer in an old laptop bag mom got me years ago but I can't put anything else in my backpack. It's barely holding on as it is.
"Ready to go?" Alex asks, putting my duffel bag onto his shoulder.
I cast a final glance around my bedroom but I can't think of anything else. At least not anything I'll need in the next few days. Or hell… the next few weeks if Alex will let me stay that long. I'll have to come home at some point but for now, I just want to get out of here before dad shows up.
"Yeah… I'm ready."
Alex beats me back to his place and he's waiting outside his door when I park my Mitsubishi next to his Challenger. He's leaning on the railing in front of his apartment, his gaze glued to his phone but he looks up when he hears my car.
He took my duffel bag with him when we left my place so I slip my laptop bag and backpack onto my shoulders before I get out of my car.
I'm hesitant as I come up the stairs and Alex pushes away from the railing, letting out a tentative breath. "Before you go in, I…" He stops short when he looks at me, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip. I stop only a few steps from him and tilt my head to one side in question.
Alex looks away from me, exhaling heavily. "Fuck," he whispers, rubbing the back of his neck in silence. He's warring with something and a small part of my brain is picking at me, telling me that he's trying to say that he's changed his mind. That he wants me to get lost and never bother him again. Let me down easy, Alex. That's all I ask.
"If you've… changed your mind, I-I understand," I manage to say but I'm unable to keep his gaze when he looks back at me. I don't know what I'm going to do if Alex has decided that he's done helping me or if this is over or where I'm supposed to spend the next few nights… I could stay with Kwan for a while but-
"Stop," Alex says, breaking my train of thought. He crosses the few steps to the stairs and puts his phone away. He reaches out to place a hand on my shoulder and shakes me a little. "I haven't changed my mind. I doubt you're ever going to believe me but I wouldn't just leave you like that. I care about you a lot, kid."
Relief floods through me and I can't help the smile that crosses my face at his words. I duck my head, my face flushed from his kindness. I don't know what I ever did to deserve someone like Alex in my life or if he plans on hanging around forever but I'm glad that he's here for now.
"There's just… something I didn't mention before," Alex says softly, meeting my gaze when I look up at him. His eyebrows draw down in concern but I don't think it's for me. He chews on the inside of his lip for a second before he speaks. "I'm not… exactly alone. Someone… someone else is living with me."
For a second, I think he's saying that in a roundabout way, Anastasia's been staying with him. But the look on his face and the worry clear in his tone makes it click in my mind instantly. He's not alone – he's seeing someone.
"O-Oh, that's- I mean… is that a… problem?"
Alex shakes his head, relief easing the expression on his face. "No, I talked with her about it earlier. She's… Kendra's completely fine with you staying for however long you need to. I just… thought I should warn you."
He takes my laptop bag from me and steps off the stairs, oblivious to my surprise. "She's making lunch right now – I tried to tell her that we'd be fine with picking up something on the way here but… she insisted," Alex says, glancing over his shoulder at me with a smile.
Kendra? That's who Alex is with? Shit, does that mean that they've… fixed whatever it is they needed to fix between them?
I silently follow him inside and the scent of something heavenly greets me. Alex laughs softly at the look on my face and I stick my tongue out at him in response.
"Hey, we're home," Alex calls, setting my laptop bag down by the couch.
I silently drop my backpack by the couch and tug my phone from my pocket, just to have something to fiddle with, before I follow Alex into the kitchen. I met Kendra once before – when I needed to get my power turned back on – but this is more official. She's not Alex's ex that happens to work at the power plant anymore.
"Good, I'm just about finished," Kendra says, her back to us as she stands in front of the stove. She's wearing a light blue dress that stops at her knees, a white apron tied over it. She's stirring something in a pot on the stove and Alex's small radio is playing softly on the counter next to her. He recognizes whatever's playing and easily takes up humming along to it.
He steps further into the kitchen before he glances back at me. "Kendra, this is Dash."
Kendra turns away from what she's stirring and smiles widely, passing the spoon off to Alex when he offers to take it. He immediately takes her position at the stove but he glances back at us to watch as she takes a step closer to me.
"Dash, it's great to finally meet you. Alex always speaks very highly of you," she says, extending her hand toward me and I awkwardly take it.
I swallow hard, attempting a shitty smile for her benefit. "Y-Yeah?" I respond, feeling that awkward tension clawing at my insides again but I refuse to give in. "I can guarantee that at least half of what he's said are lies."
Alex snorts, rolling his eyes when I look at him. "Yeah, right. Anastasia's the one not to trust. I only speak the truth," he responds, flicking his gaze to the pot he's stirring before he looks back at me. "You and I both know that you're a natural with cars and whenever there's a football in your hands. You've got a good head on your shoulders too, there's no denying that."
I feel my face flush again but a small smile creases my expression and I know Alex sees it before I manage to duck my head. I scratch the back of my head but the silence doesn't last for long.
Kendra moves back to the stove and takes the spoon from Alex, making an off-hand dig about his poor stirring. He pretends to be insulted and watching the two of them like this feels good. Cause Alex looks really, really happy. And I don't remember the last time he looked like this.
"Come on, Dash. Let's set the table before she has the chance to insult me again," Alex says, leaning over to kiss Kendra on the cheek anyway. He opens the cabinet door above the sink and I move closer to him, taking the plates he passes my way.
"I'm guessing a Dr. Pepper for you?" Alex asks, taking down two glasses from another cabinet and setting them on the counter next to the stove. He glances back at me before I have the chance to speak so I nod instead.
He reaches up to get the last glass from the cabinet and Kendra pauses in her stirring to lean closer to him, pressing a kiss to his cheek before she returns the stove. She switches the burner off and they move around each other almost in sync. Like they've had a lifetime to learn how to live with each other and I'm almost in awe.
Whatever shit that happened between them doesn't exist here – in his tiny kitchen with the smell of something amazing cooking. They seem completely at peace with each other now and a small part of me is jealous. Because I want the kind of poetry that exists between the two of them. But I don't want it with anyone other than a boy that could only ever want me as a distraction.
Lunch is amazing – Kendra made some kind of pasta casserole and I practically inhale my plate. Alex keeps the conversation lighthearted for the most part but there's a moment where he slips up. He brings up that he wants me to stay with him until after the holidays are over – so I won't have to spend them alone.
Kendra subtly glances between the two of us before she looks away from me, almost like she's giving me a sense of privacy. And I have to hand it to her, she's got a hell of a lot more class than I do. When Anastasia brought up Kendra's name in front of me, I didn't keep my mouth shut the way that Kendra's doing now. I had to ask Alex about it– because my curiosity was digging at me and I couldn't let it go.
Alex quickly shifts the conversation back toward something meaningless but not before it hits me that Kendra doesn't know. The reason that she looked away from me, the reason that she didn't ask is because Alex hasn't told her. And I don't know how I feel about that. It's almost like a relief – knowing that Alex isn't going to tell someone unless I give him the okay. But it scares me into wondering what Kendra thinks of me now. If she doesn't know about my home life… what does she think I'm staying with Alex for?
I help the two of them clear the table after we're finished with lunch and Kendra excuses herself into the back room to make a couple of phone calls. She leaves us alone and I help Alex wash the few dishes we used. It doesn't take long to finish them and I'm drying the last of the plates when Alex finally speaks, his voice soft, like the radio still playing on the counter.
"I'm… sorry. I didn't mean to say anything in front of her," he says softly, giving me a sympathetic look when I turn back to look at him. "I haven't told her anything, just so you know. I wouldn't do that to you."
I slowly nod, placing the final plate in the cabinet before I turn around to face Alex, leaning my back against the counter. "What… does she think I'm staying with you for?" I ask, my voice soft on the question.
Alex exhales, glancing toward the hall before he turns back to me, his gaze falling somewhere around my chest. "She thinks that there might be something… difficult going on in your life. She's asked me before if your parents are neglectful and I told her that I… didn't have the right to tell her. So… she doesn't know anything."
I swallow hard, nodding in silence as I flick my gaze toward the hall. I wonder how long it'll take her to figure it out. To connect the dots between how Alex treats me and how fucking skittish I can be sometimes. I wonder what she'll think of me when she knows the truth. Then again… from the way I've seen her interact with Alex, maybe my shitty past won't matter to her. Maybe the fact that my dad's anger leaves marks on me sometimes won't change her opinion of me.
"You can tell her, you know. I don't mind," I say, hesitantly looking back at Alex. His eyebrows are raised and he's looking at me like he's trying to figure out if he heard me right. I can't hold his gaze for long but I nod, continuing before he can say anything. "I trust you. So… I don't care if you tell her."
Alex exhales softly, pushing away from the counter he's leaning against to get closer to me. He puts a hand on my shoulder, squeezing softly and giving me a smile when I look at him.
"You know I'll keep your secrets safe, Dash," he says, dropping his hand from me after a moment of silence passes between us. "But there's something you should know." He fidgets nervously at that and there's something about the look on his face that I don't understand.
I tilt my head to one side in question.
He exhales heavily, shaking his head as he lets his gaze fall to the floor. "When I have you stay at my place or I tell you not to drive because you're hurt, you know I'm not doing it to… make things more difficult for you, right? You know that I only do these things because I worry about you." He draws in a breath that shakes and it's weird to hear that nervousness in him. "And I… worry about you for a lot of reasons but you should know that I… that some reasons are a lot more… complicated than others. And I should have said something forever ago but you-"
He abruptly stops talking at the sound of his bedroom door opening. A soft swear tumbles from his lips and he steps away from me, running a hand through his hair. I want to tell him to continue anyway. That I don't care if Kendra overhears us talking about my shit, but I don't think this has anything to do with me anymore. From the look on his face… I think he was about to tell me something about him. Maybe the truth about what happened between him and Kendra.
"Alright, I'm off work until Wednesday," Kendra says as she breezes back into the kitchen. She spares me a glance accompanied with a smile before she looks at Alex, taking his hand in hers when she's close enough. "If you still want to take a look at my car, we can do that tomorrow or Monday because the girls and I aren't meeting up until later in the week anyway. Nadiacan't get a sitter until then."
Alex nods, a small smile pulling at his mouth. He speaks softly back to her, saying something about their plans for her time off, and I put distance between myself and them. The electricity of that half-finished conversation I had with Alex is still crackling in the air in between us. And I might be welcome to crash with Alex at any time but… he's with Kendra now. I don't want to get in between them the entire time I'm here.
I only get about three paces out of the kitchen before Alex calls my name. He doesn't ask but I can tell that he's worried about me just from the expression on his face when I look at him over my shoulder. I wonder if there'll ever be a day when he doesn't worry about me anymore.
"I should… probably get some of my homework done," I say, shrugging a little before I turn back to the living room, shuffling forward a few steps in the silence. I kick my shoes off before I sink down in front of the couch, tugging my backpack closer to me.
There are a few chapters in history that I haven't gotten around to reading yet and now is about the best time I'm gonna get to handle it. I don't know what Alex has planned for tonight but I don't want to be in the way of anything. And tomorrow night… tomorrow night's for Danny. Even though his parents are somehow responsible for my arrest. Even though he doesn't want me. Even though he could never want me.
"What homework do you have?" Alex asks as he comes into the living room, sinking down on the arm of the couch just behind me.
I flip a few pages ahead, trying to find my place. "History for now. Probably need to tackle my algebra after," I respond, making a face at just the thought of handling that hellish subject on my own. Kinda wish I could Skype with Danny so he could walk me through it… but something tells me that calling him might result in my lovesick heart going into some kind of an attack.
Alex hums softly, standing up from the couch with an exhale. "I need to head into work. But let me know if you need any help when I'm back."
I glance over my shoulder again, past Alex, to where Kendra's now sitting at the table with her computer. "Is she… leaving too?" I ask softly, shifting my gaze back to Alex's and trying to sound casual with the way I ask the question. I just want to know if I'll be alone with her.
Alex glances in her direction before he looks at me. "Is it a problem if I say no?" he asks, his tone soft – like he's afraid it'll scare me off.
"No," I respond, even though my heart has climbed up into my throat and made itself a home around my esophagus. "I was just curious."
I turn back to my history book, my eyes scanning over the page but I don't take the information in. Because the ugliness that is anxiety has started to crawl upward into my throat and I feel like I'm choking. Like there's so much I need to say in this moment but I can't.
Alex doesn't hang around behind me for long before he's heading away. He pauses to talk to Kendra before he disappears back into his bedroom. The silence claws at me for a minute or two but I focus on my history book, trying to guess what information from this chapter is gonna end up on the final exam.
"I'm heading out now, okay?" Alex suddenly asks from behind me, completely jarring my attention from the history book.
I glance up at him with a hard swallow, forcing a smile onto my face that I'm pretty sure he sees right through. "Okay. I'll see you when you get back," I respond, dropping my gaze back to the textbook.
He hovers next to me for a few seconds before he exhales heavily and starts away again. I hear him stop to talk to Kendra again before he leaves his apartment, the door shutting behind him.
I try to get back to my history but it's not getting my attention like before. My mind is hyper-aware of Kendra instead.
Anxiety is prickling at my skin as she types on her keyboard but I do my best to ignore it, forcing myself to read and re-read sentences multiple times until they make sense to me. Until I lose myself somewhere between the pages of my history book, reading about things that happened before Amity Park existed. Before Alex , before his family. Before my best friends, before everyone I've ever cared about. Before Danny…. before me. Before all the chances we've missed and all the moments I thought of kissing his skin.
I forget that Alex is gone and I forget that Kendra's behind me. I just focus on my history and it takes me far away from everything trying to pick at me. It keeps my mind away from everything that's happened these past few days and how even now, it all still makes my breath catch. Maybe because I know it's not over. I might not be under dad's roof now but… he almost threatened Danny. And I don't know when or where but… there's something in my gut telling me to prepare myself. To be ready to protect him again. And it won't be an ex-boyfriend or government agents this time.
Algebra was created by the devil. It's the only explanation for why it's so fucking difficult.
I've resulted to looking up the answers up on the internet but then my fucking homework is telling me to "explain" how I got my answer. I don't think Mr. Stick-up-his-ass Brunowould find it funny if I wrote "the internet" in the explain slot.
My sanity is slowly slipping away from me and I practically stab my thumbs against my screen as I type a message to Danny. Why the fuck is this stupid subject so fucking hard? And why isn't Danny here to keep me from throwing this book halfway across the fucking room?
To: Danny
Fuck Algebra. Fuck school. I'm just gonna quit and live under a bridge for the rest of my life
I'm only half kidding with my text. I know in a couple of hours, this shit won't seem so dreadful. But right now, I'm ready to call it quits on the whole fucking day and just sleep. But that's another thing I fucking suck at. I can't sleep and I can't figure out a fucking math problem and I can't fucking deal with everything I feel for-
"Are you okay?"
I almost jump out of my skin at Kendra's voice. She's standing just behind the couch when I turn around to look, her eyebrow's drawn down in concern. I don't know why she's worried about me, she barely knows me. Then again… Alex probably said something to her.
"Yeah," I respond, jerking my hand through my hair in frustration as I turn back to my textbook. None of this makes sense and I'm gonna lose my fucking mind if I have to try to "explain" my answers one more time.
"Do you want some help?" Kendra asks, taking a small step closer to the end of the couch.
I shrug in response and that's apparently all the permission she needs. She quickly crosses the room and steps over my pile of books. She sits down on the floor, tucking her dress out of the way, before she reaches for my textbook, silently asking my permission with her hesitation.
She slides the book from my lap to hers in the silence and looks over my answers, nodding along as she reads through the problems. I lean my head back on the couch and check my phone when it vibrates against the floor.
From: Kwan
Wanna hear something weird?
Weird has been my whole day so far but I'll take anyone else's weirdness over my own right now. Just so I can stop thinking about the fact that Alex's girlfriend is helping me with my math because I'm too fucking stupid to grasp it.
"I'm guessing you looked up the answers to number six and number thirteen online?" Kendra asks, glancing from the book to me.
I don't lift my head from the couch but I look toward her. "That's putting way too much faith in me. I looked up the answers to all of them except the first four. Which I somehow managed to solve on my own."
Kendra bites down on her bottom lip, her eyebrows drawing down as she drops her gaze back to my textbook. "Actually, you didn't solve them. Your answers aren't complete."
"Yeah, I know. I still have to fill in the stupid explain section."
"No, I mean the actual answer you have written down. It's not correct," she says and I feel a tiny piece of my soul break off and fly into the universe. Fucking hell, what more does algebra want from me? Is my blood, sweat, and tears not enough?
I groan, turning my gaze back to the ceiling. This subject is never going to make sense to me. It's always gonna be that one fucking thing that reminds me how incompetent I am. I can tell somebody what's wrong under the hood of their car and I can throw a ball pretty damn well but school is the one thing I'll always fucking suck at.
"It's not that bad, you were close with your answer for the second problem," Kendra says, glancing over her shoulder. She chews on her lip again for a second or two before she looks back at me. "Come on. Let's move to the table and I'll help you figure this out."
I don't want to take up too much of her time but I think I'd take anyone's offer to help at this point.
Kendra helps me gather up my text books and we move to the table together. She puts her computer away, sliding it into a laptop bag, and I practically collapse into one of the chairs. I think I'd rather tear my own skin off than do any more of my algebra right now.
I decide to give Kendra a chance to help me understand this stupid subject before I start a bonfire with my algebra book as kindling. She doesn't explain it the way that Danny does but I'm able to follow along with what she's saying.
She shows me specific parts of an equation as an example and helps me work through the first two again, walking me through the process of each part and making sure that I get it before she moves onto the next part of the problem. By the time we get to the fourth problem, I'm able to work it through myself and for the first time tonight, I don't want to immediately throw my book across the room after I've written the answer down.
Kendra tells me how to fill in the explain section without using a ridiculously complicated method so I have to give her credit for that. Between her and Danny, I'd still rather have him help me cause at least I can see his cute smile when these equations start making me want to die.
"Since you already looked up the answers for the rest of these, I'm not going to tell you to redo them. But if you want to, I'll help you work them out if you get stuck," Kendra says, giving me a smile when I look up at her.
God, no wonder Alex likes her. Kind and smart… not to mention the fact that she's willing to put up with me.
"Thanks… I really appreciate your help," I say, dropping my gaze back to my textbook to avoid the awkward staring-at-each-other-in-silence part of this. I write down my explanations for how I solved the last few problems before I finally shut the stupid book. If I never have to touch another algebra book for the rest of my life, that's more than fine with me.
"Well, you're welcome. I used to teach so… helping people's just sort of in my nature," Kendra says, pushing her chair back as she stands.
I look up, watching her stretch her arms over her head and there are so many questions crowding up my head. I want to ask her how long she taught. If she gave it up for Alex. Or if some crucial part of them got so fucked up, she left her teaching behind just to be with him. Or maybe she didn't give up her job for him at all. Maybe it's what she wants. There's so much I want to ask her but I lose my nerve. Not just cause I'm scared of how she'll react but my phone vibrates against the table and interrupts whatever I was gonna attempt to say.
Kendra moves away from the table and I watch her go for a minute, wondering what the hell happened between her and Alex, before I turn back to my phone.
From: Kwan
Keith asked me out last night
To: Kwan
Wait, really?
Damn. Leave it to Keith to make a move on his crush before I manage to make one on mine. Jealousy picks at me just a little. All it took was one simple question to put his feelings out there. But there's so much shit between me and Danny, I could never summarize the way my heart beats in time with his or the way I ache to hold him.
From: Kwan
Yeah
He's a really good kisser?
I let him spend the night?
To: Kwan
And you called me thirsty ;P
From: Kwan
Shut up!
I can't help but snort at Kwan's clear exasperation just as Kendra steps back into the kitchen. She smiles at whatever expression is on my face and leans her forearms onto the table across from me.
"Something funny?" she asks, genuine curiosity in her gaze when I look up at her.
I shrug, turning my phone screen off before I set it onto the table. "One of my teammates finally worked up the nerve to ask out his crush, who just so happens to be my best friend. His embarrassment is kind of amusing to watch," I say with a grin, hoping I don't come across as too much of an asshole. Kwan's teased me about Danny plenty of times. He deserves this. Actually, he deserves worse than this.
Kendra smiles warmly. "Ahh, I can imagine that it's been difficult for him. I take it your teammate hasn't won her affection yet?"
She doesn't mean anything by the question - she's just trying to make conversation. But she's assumed the wrong gender and I don't want to make a big deal about it. Because she's Alex's girlfriend and I actually really like her and… Considering that I'll be staying with them for the next few days, I should just let it go. Pretend that my best friend's a girl. But I can't.
"Well… i-it's…" I scratch the back of my head in the silence, letting my gaze drift to my phone so I don't have to look at her as I say it. "Kwan just… didn't plan on having another boyfriend until after he graduated high school. S-So… Keith asking him out kinda came out of nowhere to him," I mumble, forcing myself to look up at Kendra, my heart in my fucking throat as I meet her gaze. Please don't care that my best friend is gay. Cause I'm in fucking love with another boy and I really want you to like me.
Kendra lifts an eyebrow, her expression caught somewhere between embarrassed and surprised. "Oh…" she says, nodding after a second of silence. "Right, of course. Your friend, Kwan?" she asks, waiting until I weakly nod before she continues. "He wasn't interested in dating again?"
"N-Not yet. Bad experience with his ex," I mumble, dropping my gaze from hers. Shit, why did I have to make this awkward? Why couldn't I have just let this go?
Kendra clears her throat. "I'm sorry, I made this awkward," she apologizes, smiling softly when I look up. "I assumed you were talking about a girl and you obviously aren't. I should have asked." She hesitates a second before that smile brightens just a little. "So, do you like Keith or do you want Kwan to wait it out for someone better?"
I swallow hard, glancing at my phone when it vibrates before I look up at Kendra again. "Uh… N-No, I like Keith. He's great. I think… I think Kwan could be really happy with him if it works out," I mumble, feeling like an idiot the more that I ramble. But Kendra smiles and nods, easing the tension sitting dead-center in my chest.
God, I hope that she'll react this way when I tell her about Danny. I hope that she'll accept my love for Danny as easily as she's accepted this. Cause Alex seems really fucking happy with her and I desperately want her to like me too.
Alex brings pizza home for dinner and though he's hesitant when he asks how things were, he relaxes when I fill him in about Kendra helping me with my algebra. I guess he was just as worried about us getting along as I've been.
The three of us talk for a while after we've finished eating and I get the chance to hear more stories about when Alex was my age. I can't help but smile when Kendra brings up things about him that sound so much like me – like how he was completely obsessed with cars from a pretty young age, had a few run-in's with the principal and though he won't admit it, Kendra insinuates that Alex was involved with his own bus-stealing incident during his time at Casper High.
Alex won't let Kendra "talk shit" about him for too long so the three of us go our separate ways for the rest of the evening. The two of them disappear into Alex's bedroom and he tells me I'm welcome to watch TV or do anything as late as I want. He says he won't wake me up early and something about that makes this warmth grow in my chest.
I lie on the couch and watch replays of the Chicago Bulls games as the time grows later and later. Until my phone vibrates against the floor and jerks me out of the sleepy state I've been easing into for the past few hours.
Danny's name is flashing across the screen and I hesitate on answering. Because there's so much shit between us now. Because I haven't seen him since yesterday and I ache to. Because hearing his voice before I sleep is a bad idea. I'll dream of him. But then again… when I have not?
"Hello?"
I'm met with a sigh and it makes my heart constrict in my chest. I don't know if that sound is because of me or because of all the other bullshit he deals with. I'm scared to ask so I leave us in silence, trying to keep my heart from bursting with all the things I need to say to him.
"My parents came home early," he says softly, his voice pinched on the few words.
Shit.
I let out a slow breath. This is complicated. It's not just about me and Danny anymore. His parents might know about this phantom stuff. And though I desperately need to tell him what dad said… I can't bring myself to. Not like this. He sounds like the weight of the world is sitting on his chest and I've been there. I can't add anything to him when he's like this.
It takes me a few seconds of silence but I shif my gaze to the TV and shut it off, my focus entirely on Danny now. "You okay?" I ask, keeping my voice quiet in case Alex or Kendra are still awake.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
We both know it's a lie. He wouldn't be calling me in the middle of the night if he was. If everything was smooth sailing between him and his parents, I wouldn't be hearing his careful intake of breath, wondering if his voice will shake when he speaks again.
"Danny, if something happened, you know you can-"
"They caught me with Blake," he interrupts, breaking my heart with just a handful of words. "Things are just… tense right now. With no sign of letting up."
If I were either of his parents, I'd want to keep him indoors every night and weekend until he came to his senses. Until he realized that some people aren't worth crawling back to. No matter how many firsts they gave you.
"So you ended up calling him after all?" I ask, fully aware that I have no right to voice the question burning at the back of my throat. Of course he called Blake. I gave him every reason to. He asked me to stay and I pulled back. I choked. Because I'm scared of everything we could be. Of finally having everything I've wanted for so long and not knowing what the fuck to do with it.
Danny sighs. "Do you hate me for it?"
There's not a part of me that could ever hate any part of him. But it sucks. Knowing that I left and he spent the night with Blake instead. Having to hear how close I was to having him the way his ex-boyfriend did instead. It sucks but I don't hate him. We all get lonely sometimes.
"No," I admit, letting out a heavy breath. "Do your parents?"
"I think my mom does. My dad's just… disappointed, I guess," he hesitates. "And scared. He thinks this is a sign that I'm starting to slip – that I'm gonna sink down into that hole I was in after we broke up."
I swallow hard. "Are you?"
"What – slipping?" He sighs heavily. "No, Dash. I'm not even close to slipping. That person – that version of me – he doesn't exist anymore. I got knocked down and I didn't know how to pick myself up so I got desperate. I'm not that boy this time and… and neither is Blake."
I don't know what he sees in Blake but I wish I could see it too. I wish I could make sense of this storm that Danny's quietly stirring up. I don't know why he's doing this. If everyone around him is telling him it's a bad idea, why is he throwing caution to the wind like this?
"Are you going to try to work things out with him?"
It's hard just to ask the question. To know that the answer might be yes. That Danny might actually want to give Blake a second chance. I don't know why he would. This feels like it stretches beyond just being lonely but… it's Danny's life. It's his choice.
"I don't know," he says, his voice soft – like he's afraid to speak the words out loud. Oh, if only he knew how terrified I am to hear them. "I don't think Blake wants to."
A small part of myself is cheering Blake's name for making the right choice – for not fucking Danny up any worse than he already has. Despite everything else he's done, Blake's doing a good thing for once.
"Are you disappointed?" I pride myself on being able to even ask the question. I'm already cheering inside my own head like I've somehow won. Like Blake stepping out of the way guarantees my victory. Danny doesn't want me – yet my heart is still celebrating.
He hesitates. "Do you want me to be?"
What kind of question is that? Is he trying to get me to admit it over the fucking phone? I can't do it like this. I had a plan. I was going to confess everything to him the night of his party. Failing that, I had this weekend to fall back on – when I'd take him to spend a night under the stars. He'd tell me about constellations he's in love with while I tell him how much I'm in love with him.
"I want you to be happy." Even if it's not with me.
Danny's quiet for a few minutes, the silence stretching between us through the phone lines. It's an uncomfortable, heavy feeling – like falling asleep under a thick blanket in the middle of July. It's out of place and makes me feel like I'm choking when I draw in a breath.
"About this surprise you have planned," is how he chooses to break the silence. "Under the hopeful assumption that my parents will even let me out of the house, when am I supposed to meet you tomorrow?"
I push my hand through my hair. "Is six okay for you?"
"I'll make it work," he promises, letting out a breath. "Just be aware that my mom will probably call me non-stop so… I'm sorry in advance."
"You don't have to apologize."
I've set fires for him. I've had one of my best friends steal government evidence for him. I lied about what my father's done to an attorney for him. I don't need his apologies if his parents are worried about him. I just need him there tomorrow and I need to find some way to tell him all the things dad said about his parents. And all the words of love I couldn't speak at his house last night.
He mumbles something soft and unintelligible in response but it doesn't matter. I've made up my mind. Danny could ask me to walk through hell with him and I'd do it. I'd take his hand in mine and I'd follow him anywhere.
"Meet me at the outlook at six tomorrow. Bring your telescope," I instruct, a faint smile tugging at my lips. "And don't ask any questions."
Danny exhales out with a soft laugh. "Dash Baxter, are you trying to tell me what to do?"
"Yes. And I think that this time, you'll find it's perfectly acceptable," I come back with, the teasing lilt to his voice pushing false confidence through my veins. "So, just do what I say and expect to have fun tomorrow."
He tsks softly, the sound low in his throat before his voice comes back on the line. "Okay. I've gotta go before either of my parents catch me on the phone. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm on the way, okay? It might involve me sneaking out so… I might not get there at six exactly. Just, as a warning."
"Okay. Whenever you show up, everything will be ready," I tell him, trying to ignore the damn butterflies that have resurrected in my stomach and in my throat. I thought they died at his party last night. I thought my own stomach acid had turned them to nothing more than dust and a faint memory. But they're here – twisting up my insides and fluttering through my veins. Whispering to me that I have to try for this. That I have to go after what I want or I'll never have it. And for once, I desperately want to listen.
After I tell Danny goodnight, I end up staring at the ceiling until insomnia lets go of me and I manage to drift off. My dreams are disjointed and don't make a whole lot of sense but at least I get a few hours of sleep. I'm gonna need all the energy I can get if I'm going to tell Danny the way I feel for him.
Alex and Kendra are quietly talking at the table when I finally emerge from the couch, cracking all the necessary joints with an obscene groan as I walk. They both look up at me and Alex smiles, tipping his mug toward me.
"Morning, coffee's in the pot if you want some," he says.
I cross the kitchen to get to the source of caffeine and I blindly fumble for a mug in the cabinet. I add just enough sugar and milk to make it perfect before I practically inhale the delicious caffeine. I'm draining the last of it when Alex speaks.
"I'm not working today so if you want to go and do something together, let me know. Kendra and I have nothing planned," he says, turning to her and smiling when she leans forward to press a kiss to his cheek.
Kendra looks so different this morning compared to how she did last night. Her face is free of makeup and her hair is pulled back into a ponytail. She's traded out the dress for sweatpants and a hoodie of Alex's. She looks softer somehow, like she's just an ordinary girl. But from the way Alex looks at her, I know she's anything but ordinary to him.
"That sounds good," I respond, tearing my gaze away from the two of them when Alex looks back at me. "I'm doing something tonight with Danny but… I don't have to head out until five, so…" I trail off, offering up a shrug before I turn back to the coffee pot to get a refill. "I'm free until then."
There's a silence in the kitchen for a few seconds and it scratches at me. It makes the sound of the coffee filling my mug louder. It makes me aware of my own heart pounding in my ears and I guess my anxiety has decided to fuck with me earlier than I planned on. I thought I'd at least make it to the outlook before the pounding of my heart and thrumming of my veins started to scratch at me.
"Are you two close?" Kendra asks softly and I want to fucking kill Alex for the way he snorts into his mug.
I send him a glare as I turn around before I shift my gaze to Kendra's with a shrug. "Sort of," I lie, sipping from my mug to avoid spilling my guts about this whole mess. About how much I want Danny. About how I bought him a fucking star for his birthday.
Alex snorts again at my answer and when Kendra turns to look at him, I mouth "fuck you" from across the kitchen. Alex looks away from me to give Kendra a smile but the look doesn't ease the question on her face.
She looks from Alex to me after a second of silence and exhales softly as she meets my gaze. "Is Danny… your Kwan?" she asks and I think my heart stops for a second. Cause I didn't expect her to actually ask. I didn't think that she'd question the way my face has flushed at the mere mention of the boy who's stolen my heart.
"He's um…" I don't know how to say it. It should be simpler than this. I shouldn't be trying to talk myself down from the panic of admitting the truth. She's practically a stranger – that should make this easier. That should ease the way my heart is racing inside my chest but it doesn't. And I'm not sure that it matters either way.
I release a pent up breath, finding strength from somewhere deep inside myself. "I-I… want him to be," I admit, stealing a glance at Alex before I manage to shift my gaze back to Kendra's. I shrug, trying to look casual as I lean against the counter behind me. "It's just… been really shitty timing between us for a while b-but… we might be able to figure it out. If we give each other time."
Kendra smiles and though Alex looks between us with a question in his gaze, I don't feel the need to explain. Cause he knows all about Danny and now, Kendra knows a little too. She doesn't know all of it – she has no clue how hard my heart pounds for him or how much I want to hold him or how his face lights up when he sees the night sky or how bruised we both are but… she knows enough. For now, she knows enough.
I end up going out with Alex and Kendra to an outlet mall downtown and we get lunch while we're out. On the way back to the apartment, Kendra makes Alex stop at a Christmas tree lot. Alex insists it's too early to get a tree, says that it'll die before the day even arrives, but Kendra talks him into taking a small one. She convinces him that it's "just what their counter needs." I don't think I can blame him for giving in to her.
We're back at the apartment just after four-thirty and I leave almost immediately to get everything ready to be with Danny tonight. Kendra wishes me good luck before I leave and though my heart hammers in my chest almost the entire time I drive, I manage to convince myself that I'm making the right choice. That tonight should be about him first, and my love for him second.
It's not like I can deny it anymore. I want him. And if I can find a way to make this night about the way I feel for long enough, then I'll spill it. I'll tell him everything. Because I don't know if I can keep it to myself any longer.
I make a quick stop at a supermarket to get a few essentials for tonight before I go to a deli that mom and I used to frequent all the time when I was younger. I get dinner for me and Danny – hoping that he likes sub sandwiches the way I do. When I'm back out in my car, I pack the food away in a styrofoam cooler I picked up at the supermarket before I get behind the wheel again.
My fingers shake as I type but I manage to send a few messages to Danny, my heart pounding with every word I type.
To: Danny
I hope you can sneak out tonight
Don't forget your telescope
I wait a few seconds to see if Danny's gonna respond before I put my phone away and start for the outlook. I have to make sure everything's perfect before he shows up. Because despite how badly my heart is hammering at me – telling me to finally let the truth out, tonight is about him. And I want him to know just how special he is – even if that knowledge doesn't come with my lips against his.
I seriously underestimated just how fucking cold it is outside. I borrowed a blanket from Alex but I don't know how warm it'll keep the two of us. At least I've got a hoodie on. Hopefully Danny knows better than me and dresses warmer.
Danny texts me back just after five thirty, letting me know he's on his way. His text renews the butterflies in my stomach and I can't keep them caged up as I set out everything we need for tonight. I spread a picnic blanket out on the grass and set out the cooler and a bottle of wine I managed to score from Paulina. I doubt we'll do a whole lot of drinking tonight considering we both have to drive home and we have school tomorrow but… getting tipsy with Danny sounds like a good idea. Maybe when the alcohol is coursing through my veins, it'll ignite the liquid courage in my stomach and I'll convince myself to tell him how I feel. Even if he still wants Blake in the end. Even if he doesn't feel that same fire. I have to tell him. Even if it all amounts to nothing.
Every time I hear a car pass on the road just behind the outlook, my heart beats harder, but nothing comes to a stop next to mine. And when one car finally pulls in beside mine, the sun's gone down behind the clouds and I can barely breathe as I turn to look.
Danny's behind the wheel, frowning at whatever he's looking down at, but his attention is quickly pulled to me. He waves as I stand up from the picnic blanket and he cuts his engine off before he exits his car. He shoves his keys down into his pocket before he tugs open the back door of his Equus.
"Traffic was kind of a nightmare," Danny calls over his shoulder as I move closer to him. He makes a soft noise as he pulls his telescope from the backseat of his car and I realize how big it is in comparison to him.
"Here, let me help," I say, stepping closer to Danny. I take the telescope from him, my fingers brushing against his with the movement. He steps back a little, maybe to give me more room, but his stuttered "thank you" makes me smile. Maybe I'll find strength enough to tell him after all.
I carry the telescope over to the picnic blanket and Danny closes his car door, following behind me with the stand for his telescope. His footsteps falter a little when he sees what I've got set up for tonight and I can't help the way my heart practically flutters.
Danny exhales softly, biting his lip when I glance over my shoulder at him. "Dash… all of this is for me?" he asks, his voice almost quivering as he looks up at me. I'd kill to be able to cross the distance between us and press kisses to his face, whispering that yes, of course this is all for him.
I smile at him instead, leaning the telescope against my leg to keep it upright. "Yeah. I wanted you to celebrate your birthday right." I nod toward the blanket. "Come on, I've got dinner in the cooler and after we eat… I'll give you your present."
Danny's quiet as he crosses over to me, setting up the telescope stand at the edge of the picnic blanket. He side-eyes me when I set the telescope on its stand and I tilt my head at him in question.
"You already gave me a present," he mumbles softly, rolling his eyes when I respond with a sheepish grin. "You're too much, I swear."
I collapse onto the ground, patting the spot beside me before I lean forward to get the bottle of wine. Danny lifts an eyebrow at the alcohol but he smiles, sinking down next to me.
"There's a deli on the other side of town that's fucking amazing. I don't know if you like sub sandwiches or not… but I figured it was worth a try," I say, glancing at Danny whose smile widens.
"That sounds perfect," Danny says, taking one of the sandwiches from me. He sits cross legged next to me, our shoulders brushing against each other's as I pour us both far too much wine in glasses I promised Paulina I wouldn't break.
Danny gives me another smile and that's the last thing I see before we dive into the food – which is just as delicious as I remember it being. Danny sips his wine naturally, like he regularly has a glass at meals and I'm almost jealous of how easy he makes it look.
He catches me staring and raises an eyebrow, causing a deep flush to blossom across my face. Shit, Danny. How do you do so easily ruin me?
"You uh… I'm gonna… get your present ready," I mumble, turning away from him as the tips of my ears start to burn. Thinking about Danny for even a second is enough to get me flustered. I never thought that one person could have this kind of power over me but Danny's captured me completely.
I can feel his stare on me as I crawl to the edge of the picnic blanket and settle down in front of his telescope. He's silent behind me and at first, knowing that he's staring at me is unsettling. It makes my movements stilted and my fingers tremble as I position the telescope to the right coordinates the email told me to. But the more I focus on getting the angle exactly right, I forget that Danny's even watching me.
"O-Okay… ready for you," I say, chancing a look over my shoulder. Danny's still watching me and a slight smile lifts one corner of his mouth when he meets my gaze. He nods, crawling across the picnic blanket and joining me in front of his telescope.
He glances up at the sky once before he looks at me expectantly, like a kid on Christmas morning. I'm sure he can tell that the grin I'm giving him is nervous but I don't care. I am nervous right now. Cause I want him to love what I've done for him.
"Take a look," I say, nodding toward the telescope casually – like my heart's not in my throat.
Danny gives me a curious glance before he scoots forward a little, closer to the telescope. He hesitates only a moment before he leans forward, looking through the eyepieceof the telescope. His breath catches a little as a smile quickly forms on his face.
"You know I love stargazing but… why tonight?" he asks, pulling away from the telescope to give me a curious look. For a split second, the look on his face throws me. It makes me wonder who else has taken him stargazing – who else he's sat with under a blanket of stars and talked to for hours. I want to ask him everything but… I can't find the words to speak.
I move closer to him, purposefully brushing my knee against his as I get settled. "Because," I say, passing off the sheet of paper I printed out yesterday. It explains everything about these coordinates, when I purchased the star, and it lets Danny know the name I chose.
"I figured phantom was too obvious but… Casper seemed appropriate," I joke, waiting for that recognition to appear on Danny's face. Waiting for him to grin and say that he can't believe I bought him a star.
He does smile when he looks up at me again, but it's not as bright as I thought it'd be. It's not as happy. Something in my gut is telling me that I fucked up but… I can't think of how.
"Was this… a bad idea?" I ask, my voice quiet with the question. I don't want him to say that stargazing is something he and Blake used to do or tell me that buying somebody a star is an expression of deep love and we're only friends because… because I won't be able to stop myself from kissing him and showing him that I don't want to be just friends anymore. But goddammit, tonight's about Danny and I can't let my selfish streak take hold of me this time.
Danny shakes his head, his eyebrows drawing down. "No, you didn't… this isn't a bad idea," he says, his smile brightening just a little as he puts his hand over mine. "Thank you. This is really thoughtful."
He turns his gaze back to the sky but he doesn't look through the telescope this time. He just watches the stars up above us, a smile on his face as he stares up. Though he's smiling and looking up at the stars, I know he's not that happy. I've done something to upset him. I've fucked up somehow and I wish he'd just tell me. I'd rather know and try to fix it than muster my way through figuring it out on my own.
"If this… upsets you, could you… tell me what I did wrong?" I ask, hating how small my voice sounds even to my own ears. I don't want anyone to think I'm breakable. I don't want Danny to think I'm breakable.
Danny turns to me, shaking his head as his eyebrows draw down. "You haven't done anything wrong. This is perfect. I love it, I promise," he says with a smile that's almost bright enough to convince me of his words. But I know Danny.
I drop my gaze from his and he exhales heavily. He scoots closer to me and drops his hand on my knee, waiting until I look at him before he speaks.
"You know I appreciate you and everything you've done for me. I mean it when I say that this is the best way to celebrate my birthday," he says, patting my knee once before he pulls his hand away. "Seriously. Thank you."
I want to believe him. Cause he's smiling and we're sitting so close and he was just touching me… but I know Danny. And all it takes is looking up at him again to get the truth. A single look into my eyes is the only thing he needs to spill it.
"Alright, fine," Danny says with another exhale. "Whoever you "bought" this star from scammed you. Big time. You can't actually buy a star, Dash. Nobody can own them – they're exploding balls of gasin the sky, they don't exactly have a price tag dangling from them."
Oh. Fucking hell, I'm such an idiot. Any normal person would have realized before now that this whole thing was just a scam. Why the fuck didn't I pick up on it?
Danny gives me a patient smile when I groan and he speaks before I can. "It's okay. They fool a lot of people all the time – it's not just you. I'm sure whoever you talked to made sure to make this sound more legitimate."
I know he's trying to make me feel better but it's not. I really am an idiot. I should have known this thing was all a lie. How could I have done something so stupid? How could I have spent so much money on something that was all a scam?
"My parents did this for me too, for my thirteenth birthday. And I had to awkwardly tell them that this was a scam and-" he breaks off with a snort. "You really should have seen the look on my dad's face, it was priceless."
He returns his gaze to the sky but the mention of his parents jumpstarts my heart. Reminds me that this night should be about more than just the stars and how much I'm in love with him. I should tell him about his parents now, while I have the chance.
"Come on," Danny says, tugging on the sleeve of my hoodie and pulling me toward him a little. "We can still watch the stars for a while. I'm not going home until midnight. Even if my parents call me before then," he says, smiling as he stretches out on the picnic blanket.
His hand brushes by one of the wine glasses and I stop it from falling over, watching the amusement that crinkles up the corners of his eyes. He laughs softly, turning his gaze to the sky and I can't turn mine away from him. Because he's in love with his stars and I'm in love with mine.
"Danny… we should probably talk."
He exhales softly, looking toward me with a pinched expression. "If it's something bad, can it wait? I just want to watch the stars and forget everything with you."
The way he says 'you' makes my heart race but I'm scared to read too much into it. To let him know how much I want him. Now's not the time. If it's not the time to tell him about his parents, it can't be the time to tell him how I feel either.
I lie down next to him and watch the sky the way he is but it's different for me. He's fucking enamored by it all and I'm just slowly taking it in. Cause the sky is beautiful but he is too. He's brighter than all the stars above us and no matter what happens to him, he'll never burn out.
"Second best thing in the world, huh?" I ask, feeling a smile tug at my lips as the last time we laid together like this comes to mind. It was only hours before I met his sister for the first time. Only the millionth time I thought about kissing him.
Danny laughs again, a smile gracing his lips too. I roll my head over to watch him and though it takes him a second, he turns to meet my gaze. He's still smiling and I don't want to see it disappear but I have to know. I've been curious since that day and I think now's finally the right time to ask.
"What's the best thing?" I ask softly, my voice almost shaking on the question. I'm not scared to ask him and I'm not scared of his answer. I'm scared of shitty timing and badly phrased words spilling from my lips that only know how to bruise.
His smile is still genuine and I know I haven't upset him yet. But there's a touch of sadness in his expression now and I wish I could take the question back. He turns his gaze to the sky again and searches the stars for so long, I get lost just watching him. Waiting for him to say something. Wondering if he's ever going to answer me.
"Love," he finally says, his voice barely above a whisper. There's a moment of hesitation before he turns to me, that smile taking over his expression again as he nods like he's confirming it. "It's love, Dash. Stargazing and space are two of my biggest passions but… they don't hold a candle to the way I feel about love. And… not just romantic love either. The kind of love I have for my parents. The kind they have for me. The way I feel about my friends and everybody that's once been important to me. Love is… the most powerful thing that this world has and… nothing beats it. Nothing, Dash."
I don't know why I feel a lump in my throat but I'm glad for the moment Danny looks away from me. He speaks so easily and so freely about love, it almost scares me. Not because I'm afraid of loving him but… I'm afraid I don't know what love is supposed to feel like. Is it easy? Am I supposed to fight for it? Mom said she loved me. But is love leaving somebody behind? Is love keeping your shit to yourself so you don't bring anyone down into your hell? Is love supposed to leave marks across my skin and echoes of fear ringing so deep in my bones, I can barely breathe? Is that what love is supposed to feel like? Do I… even want Danny to love me like that?
My mind is running and I don't want to think about this anymore. I close my eyes, trying to push all of this from my brain long enough to breathe. I just want to pretend that Danny's got all of the answers and that when the time comes… he'll show me what it means to be loved.
I lie next to him in the silence and though our hands brush by each other's occasionally, it still feels like there's too much distance between us. But maybe that's just a consequence of falling in love with someone you can never have. Maybe you always want to touch them and maybe you forever fall asleep wondering what it's like to hold them. Maybe your thoughts keep you up at night and maybe the only way to sleep is to tell yourself that one day it'll happen. Even if it isn't true.
"Make a wish," Danny says softly and when I open my eyes to look at him, his stare is fixed on the sky. At a shooting star so far above us, it couldn't care any less who wished upon it. But I make a wish anyway. Because if there's one thing I haven't given up on, it's being with Danny. Even if I'll never know love the way that he does, I know that whatever we can have, I want it. One day, Danny. I promise I'll make you mine.
I wake up on Alex's couch on Monday morning, my alarm dragging me far away from the dreams where I kissed Danny under the stars. Where his hands were on my chest, unzipping my jacket, and the heat in his eyes was unmistakable. The worst part of waking up is leaving behind all those dreams.
The shower water is running but Alex is at the kitchen table when I get up. My movements are sluggish and I have the urge to skip school entirely and sleep the rest of the day. But I have a final in Economics today so I have to go for that class at least.
"Morning. Sleep well?" Alex asks, not looking up from the papers he has spread across the table.
I pour myself a cup of coffee and stir in some sugar before I respond with a quiet, "yeah," even though it's a lie. I got in late last night because I spent every second that I could with Danny. And I stayed awake to wait for his text, letting me know that he got home safely.
Alex is focused on his papers, a frown creasing his features, when I shuffle over to join him at the table. I don't want to interrupt what he's doing but I gain his attention when I settle down in a chair across from him.
He shifts a few papers to give me space to set down my coffee. "You doing okay?"
Other than being exhausted and frustrated with this whole back and forth dance I'm doing with Danny, I'm okay. The few bruises dad managed to leave on my skin over the weekend aren't that painful and at least I'm not having to avoid him at every turn.
"Yeah, I'm good. Just tired." I drain a few swallows of my coffee before I lift my stare, nodding toward his papers. "What are you working on?"
He exhales out, running a hand down his face. "Right now? Sorting the monthly bills for this place and the garage."
I swallow another mouthful of coffee. "Do you need help?"
Alex shakes his head, frowning as he looks between two papers. It falls silent between the two of us but it's not an uncomfortable silence. I relax into it and keep my mind far away from thoughts of Danny. At least… I try to.
"So listen, I mentioned to my mom the other day that you're spending the holidays with us." Alex drops the papers he's holding and looks up at me with a smile. "She's now running around trying to figure out what to get for you so… if there's something you've had your eye on, let me know and I'll pass the info along."
The exhaustion pulling at me makes it harder to understand what he's saying. It takes a few seconds before it hits me and I don't know what to say. Tatiana's… buying gifts for me?
"Like… presents?"
Alex nods. "Yeah, just you know… music, or video games, or something like that. Anything you're interested in."
I don't know what to say. My throat feels tight and I can't hold his stare. There were presents under the tree last year but mom didn't know what to get for me. So I ended up with school supplies for the upcoming semester and a gift-card to Starbucks. Dad didn't bother to get anything for me or mom.
"She's going to get you things either way so… any ideas you have will help on the search," Alex says, watching me carefully when I manage to raise my stare to his again.
My breath is still stuck in my throat but I manage to nod. I can't keep holding his gaze so I drop mine to my coffee again, wishing I was inhaling liquid strength instead. I don't know how to deal with this. How to swallow the knowledge that people I don't belong to care more about me than my own family does.
"Bad memories associated with the holidays?" Alex guesses.
I shake my head, swallowing hard in the silence. I don't want to tell him the truth. That my friends were the only ones to get me things I actually wanted. It sounds selfish. But maybe I have a right to be.
"No, it's just… I didn't think she would get me anything," I confess, the breath knocked from me at the small confession.
There's sympathy in Alex's eyes when I look up at him again and I can't do this today. I can't sit here and reminisce on all the years that my parents didn't even bother to get a tree or when our holiday dinner would be nothing more than whatever fast food place was still open.
I push back from the table and stretch my arms over my head. "I need to head out of here… get to school."
Alex nods but he watches me as I move away from the table. I don't know if he's looking for something but I don't want to get into the details of all the Christmases I've spent before this one. It doesn't matter. Because I'll be spending this one with people that are kind enough to care about someone they don't really know. And that has to mean that this year will be better than all the ones before it.
I get to school just before the first bell rings so I barely get a chance to see Danny. He's with some of the guys, heading inside the building, when I pull up. He gives me a wave but disappears inside almost immediately after.
It's a long few hours until lunch. I'm pretty sure I bomb my Economics final and that feeling lingers over me as I leave the classroom, meeting Kwan at his locker.
"Another day of cramming our heads full of knowledge we'll forget come graduation, huh?" I joke, earning a small laugh from him.
He looks up from putting his backpack inside his locker, the grin on his face disappearing the moment he sees me. "God, Dash." He lets his backpack hit the floor and turns to me, his hand under my chin as he turns my face to look at the bruising on my cheekbone. "What happened?"
I shrug one shoulder but we both know who did this. It's not like it matters whether I admit it or not. So dad puts his hands on me and leaves bruises in his wake. Does it really matter? I'll get a few days away from him where I'll be with the Moreno's.
"You really going to make me say it?"
Kwan sighs heavily and I can't let this sit between us. We've only got a few more days of school left. And I might not be with dad over the holidays but I want to see Kwan at least once.
"So, are we getting together day before Christmas Eve? Traditions and all," I tease, giving him a smile. "Remember the year we drank spiked egg nog and I threw up on your front lawn?"
He laughs softly, his expression lightening just like I wanted it to. "Yeah…" he trails off, chewing on the inside of his lip before he stoops down to get his backpack. He focuses on putting it away in his locker in the brief silence between us.
Kwan swings his locker door shut and turns to face me, his cheeks flushed dark pink. "About the holidays… I was just in the locker room with Keith. We were-"
"Spare me the details of your secret rendezvous, please." I make an overexaggerated gagging motion and Kwan swats me on the arm.
"Stop, you're horrible. We were just talking, I promise." He glances over his shoulder, at people passing by us, and drops his voice. "He wants me to meet his family over the holiday break."
I lean against his locker. "We've all met them tons of times at games and stuff."
Kwan rolls his eyes, huffing out a sigh. "It's different this time and you know it." He gives me a look. "Is something bugging you?" His gaze is drawn to the bruise again.
I don't want to let the gruesome details of this weekend fall at his feet so I grin instead. "I have to tease you, it's in the best friend handbook, you know. Plus, you make it so easy."
"You're the worst." He groans softly, sagging back against the lockers with me. "Anyway, I don't think I'll get the chance to meet his family over break. My mom's been talking about spending the holidays at some cabin one of her work friends offered." He makes a face, looking at me. "I want to stay here but… I think mom needs the time away."
I can't imagine why anyone would come back to a town like this one. It's not short on good people and I've had some of the best late night drives of my life in this place. But if I ever get the chance to get the hell out of here, I'm never looking back.
"Can't say that I blame her." I let out a breath, nodding down the hall. "You want to join the others in the cafeteria?"
Kwan exhales softly but he nods, pushing away from the lockers. I fall in step beside him and we walk the short distance to the cafeteria in silence.
Our friends and teammates are at our usual table, Danny sitting in between Keith and Jeff. The three of them are pouring over his phone, laughing at something but I don't catch what before Kwan pulls me into the lunch line with him.
"So." He fixes me with a look, arching one eyebrow. "You ever going to make a move on that?"
I can feel the heat on my face and I don't need Kwan's laugh to tell me that I'm blushing. I roll my eyes as way of response and pointedly ignore him, checking and rechecking social media until he falls silent next to me in line.
We get our food and cross the cafeteria over to our table. One look from Keith has him offering his seat to me, the tips of his ears red as he slides next to Kwan. I take the opportunity to sit next to Danny and he looks up from his phone, giving me a smile. There's something hesitant about the expression. Like he's forcing it for my benefit.
"I'm pretty sure I failed my history final," Jeff bemoans as he moves from his spot next to Danny, sliding closer to Star.
Dale balls up a napkin and tosses it toward Jeff. "Did you actually study though? Or did you wing it again like last year?"
Jeff makes a face. "Do I look like someone that would study?" He groans softly, dropping his chin onto Star's shoulder. "My parents are gonna kill me."
Star wordlessly offers Jeff some of her food and he takes it on instinct. Watching how easy it is between the two of them has my heart aching. They make sense together. They fit together easily. And even Mitch and Dale – who are sitting closer than usual – seem to have their shit together easier than Danny and I do. I want to make things work between us. And maybe I have to bridge this gap between us before we can get there.
"Can you help me study after lunch?" I ask, keeping my stare on Danny even though Jeff lifts his gaze to watch me.
Danny swirls a plastic spoon inside his yogurt container, shrugging one shoulder. He darts his tongue out to delicately lick at the spoon, shifting his gaze over to me. "Sure. Is this for algebra?" he asks, nodding when I do. "Okay."
There's this intangible tension stretched so tightly between the two of us, I know everyone else at the table can feel it too. It's like we're trying to stand on eggshells, knowing that at any second, they'll break beneath the weight of everything there is left to say.
Danny sets his yogurt container on his tray and he's smiling widely when I look at him. For a second, my heart jumps inside my chest – wondering if the smile is for me. But his gaze is trained out into the cafeteria instead of at me.
"Felix, hey!" he calls out, waving to get the guy's attention as my stomach sinks lower inside of me.
Blake looks up from his phone and over his shoulder at the guy now jogging to our table. His gaze slowly shifts back and cuts my way for a split second before his phone has his attention again.
I keep my stare focused on the table as Felix comes to the end of our table. "Hey," he greets Danny and I have to look their way. The jealous creature sitting on my heart has to know how close they are. I saw them dancing at Danny's party over the weekend but… does Danny want more than that drunken night?
"You should join us," Danny offers, scooting down further on the bench, his body against mine now.
I wonder if he knows what he's doing to me. If he's making room for Felix so he can sit closer to me. I wonder if anyone at the table can hear how fast my heart is pounding. I wonder if it shows on my face. Just how badly I want him.
"We're talking about our finals," Danny says, giving Felix a smile as he settles down next to the boy that's supposed to be mine. "How are yours going?"
He makes a face, opening a bag of chips with his teeth. "So-so. Pretty sure I aced my math final but English is gonna kick my ass," he says, his cheeks tinged pink from the confession. Though he glances at Jeff, his attention is quickly drawn back to Danny. "How about you? How're yours going?"
Danny's got a grin on his face that I don't think I've ever been able to put there. Maybe this isn't such a terrible thing after all. Maybe Felix is a better match for Danny than I could ever be. Danny's meant to be with boys who aren't afraid of the way they feel – boys that can breathe in his stardust without a hitch in their throat.
They easily lapse into a conversation that I'm not a part of and it shouldn't sting like this. I should care enough about Danny's happiness to let him have this. To sit here in silence while he flirts with boys that could never understand the things he's been through.
"Dash."
I look up when Danny calls my name and I hate that jealous creature inside of me. Because it makes me despise the smile on Danny's face and I don't have a right to feel that way. So what if another guy twists his lips upward and brings out that musical laugh of his? Am I really so selfish to want the only guy who does that to be me?
"You and Felix actually have a few things in common," he says, looking toward Felix with a smile. "You two are both mechanics, for one."
I shift my stare from Danny to Felix. I've seen him around school before but I've never paid enough attention to notice that he's actually kind of cute. He has a set of straight, white teeth when he smiles, and the blush his cheeks are tinged with is a nice color on him. It doesn't hold a candle to the pink that stains Danny's cheeks but he's cute. And as much as I hate it, I can understand why Danny's interested.
"You work with Alexander, right? Alexander Moreno?" Felix asks, a hesitant smile in his expression.
I lift my soda can from the table. "Just Alex. But yeah." I tilt the can, taking a long sip from it. "Where do you work?"
He practically brightens with the question and I hate myself for noticing the way that Danny almost mirrors it. "Actually, I work at-" he pauses, glancing toward Danny as he chews on his bottom lip. "I work at Sanchez Automotives. I interned for nearly a year and I've slowly worked my way up since then."
Huh. No wonder I've never talked to this guy. I don't like people that think interior fixes is the same thing as working on an engine. If it's drive-able without your fix, you shouldn't be paid for it.
"We're actually working on an entirely new line of sports cars. Mr. Sanchez is hoping to launch them this summer and… if all goes well, I'll be bumped up a level and actually be in charge of my own team."
He's grinning at that and Danny's congratulating him. Even the girls look impressed with him. And I hate myself for always choosing the wrong moments. I never have anything to say until situations like this. Situations where I should keep my fucking mouth shut.
"Sweet. Means more business for us at Alex's." I don't exactly spit the words but from the way everyone at the table looks at me, I know my tone was harsh.
Felix laughs nervously and glances around the table before he meets my stare. "I'm sorry… what do you mean by that?"
"Sanchez Automotives has never sold a car in this town that's lasted a year without a trip to us," I respond, purposefully avoiding Danny's stare as I talk. "You guys sell junk and wait for them to come crawling back so you can charge them to fix it."
His eyebrows draw down and he lets out a quiet breath. "That's not…" he trails off and closes his eyes for a split second, starting again the second he meets my gaze. "Mr. Sanchez takes a lot of pride in his work. He would never sell something like that."
"Clearly, you don't know your boss as well as you think you do." I regret the bite to my tone the moment the words leave my lips but I can't take it back. I can only drain another sip of soda and chew the inside of my lip to keep from saying more.
Felix rolls his eyes. "And apparently, you don't know yours either," he counters, arching his eyebrow when I look at him. "Why don't you ask him who really owns the garage?"
"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"
Danny puts a hand on my shoulder and I'm instantly drawn to him, my stare tearing away from Felix before I even think about it. He turns to Felix and puts his other hand on him too. "Stop, both of you," he lets out a breath, glancing between us. "Look, I'm sorry I brought it up. I didn't realize it was a sore spot."
"It's not – as long as he's not saying shit that's not true," I snap back, earning a glare from Danny.
Felix laughs, the sound grating on me the moment he makes it. "You really don't know him, do you? Mr. Sanchez told me about how everything happened all those years ago. Whatever Alexander's been telling you, it's-"
"For the last fucking time, his name is Alex," I spit.
"Dash," Danny calls, glaring at me when I meet his stare. "Stop, okay?" He looks at Felix with a sigh. "Both of you, please. I just thought… it was a common interest. I didn't know either of you would react like this. So, please, forget I brought it up."
Felix shrugs when Danny looks at him. "It doesn't matter. I'll get my lunch from the café across the street," he says, stopping Danny when he starts to speak. "These guys are your friends, Danny, so… I don't want to make you pick." He gets up from the bench and I see the disappointment in Danny's expression. And for a second, that jealous creature in me rejoices. Because I've won. Felix is leaving and I get to stay by Danny's side instead.
But Danny's upset and the bigger part of me knows that this is wrong. That he should get the chance to spend time with someone he actually cares about. Someone that has a chance at kissing him and making him happier than I ever could.
"Felix, don't go," I say, getting up from the bench before he can make a move for the door. My stomach's churning too badly to get anything down anyway. "Just… you stay, I'll go."
Danny starts to argue and I touch his shoulder, shaking him a little when he looks at me. I have to force the smile I give him but I remind myself that this'll make him happy. That sitting with Felix instead of me is what's going to make him smile.
"It's fine. I've got a ton of studying to do anyway so…" I lift my stare to Felix's when I trail off, nodding again. "You stay. I'll get out of here."
Silence has fallen over our table and for a few seconds, no one makes a move to break it as I get my backpack from the floor and put it on. But leave it to Roxane to make everything worse while I'm trying to fix it, for once.
"Is anyone else over this whole thing?" she asks to no one in particular. She picks at one of her nails before looking up, her stare drifting lazily toward Danny. "So you're gay but you can't make up your mind. What's the big deal?"
She clasps her hands in front of her face, clearly mocking Danny with her tone. "Oh, which boy do I kiss? Which boy do I call over for the weekend? How shall I ever decide?" she mocks with a sneer. "Who cares, Fenton?"
"What the fuck is your problem?" Blake spits, surprising the hell out of me.
Roxane cuts a look his way, laughing softly. "Don't you even start with me, Weston. You and I both know the things I could say about you." She tilts her head to one side. "How did dear old daddy take the news about your boy-toy weekend?"
Blake's face turns red and he glances around the table – trying to gauge how many people here care. He's clearly drowning, trying to cover up the truth, but it's too late. The realization is slowly dawning on everyone at the table and there's nothing Blake can do to stop it. Before I have time to react – before anyone has time to react – he's out of his seat.
He grabs Roxane's bottle of water off the table and throws the water in her face.
"Fuck you, bitch. You're so fucking homophobic," he spits, dropping what's left of the water into her lap before he turns back to the table. He snatches his backpack from the bench and storms out of the cafeteria.
Everyone at the table is too stunned to make a move. Danny's turned around on the bench, watching as Blake leaves. The expression he's wearing is familiar. Like he can't decide if he's going to chase after him or not. So I make the decision for him.
I touch his shoulder again. "Stay," I repeat when he looks up at me, his eyes wild. He swallows hard and I stop him before he can argue, dropping my voice just a little. "Stay and talk to Felix, okay?"
Danny catches my hand before I can leave and his stare slowly drifts toward the doors. He asks the question without words. I don't want to but if I don't, he will. And I want him to have this time with Felix. It's better if I'm the one to chase after Blake.
"I'll go after him," I promise, squeezing his hand in my own before I pull back. I leave his orbit – his world with his almost-boyfriend and all of our friends. I should be the one by his side and Felix should be making tracks out of here. But if this is what Danny wants – if this is what he needs – then this is how it has to be. And I have to learn to be okay with that.
I don't really care where Blake has gone but I look for him anyway. I don't see his car in the parking lot and I guess he's taken off. I'm not sure that I care – the only concern I have is that Danny might try to chase after him as soon as knows that Blake's gone.
I head for the library instead, intent on waiting Danny out. If he still wants to study with me after Felix has successfully lured him far away from me, he can find me here. Almost all the tables are occupied – including the usual one I share with Danny – so I pace down the aisles, looking for an empty one near the back instead.
"Hard to stomach that shit, huh?" someone calls from behind me.
I recognize his voice but it's strange to see Blake slumped against a wall, his backpack discarded on one side of him. His gaze sweeps down my body and he lets out a breath, leaning forward to grab an open bag of chips in front of him.
"I'm starving but… no way I could watch Danny with that guy like that," he admits, chewing slowly on a chip before he looks up at me. "You wanna sit?"
I take another glance back at the tables full of other people studying and resign myself to sitting on the floor either way. I don't want to be remotely near Blake but… Danny asked me to find him anyway.
He offers me an unopened bag of chips and even though I shouldn't, I take them. Partially because I'm hungry and partially because I don't want to set him off. He exploded on Roxane back there – not that she didn't deserve it.
Blake slouches down further against the wall, letting out a quiet breath as he drains water from a bottle. From the way he's sitting, I can see a dark spot on his hipbones and something races through me at the sight.
I don't have a right to ask him. But he didn't have a right to put his hands on Danny or to punch Jeff at the party.
"The hell happened to you? One of the cheerleaders kick your ass?" I ask, going for humor.
He stiffens at the question and shifts, freeing up one hand to tug his shirt down. He doesn't offer an explanation and I wish he would. I wish there was some way that this was simple. That he didn't do all those horrible things to Danny or to Paulina and that I could just get along with him the way that Danny wants me to.
"You're not the only one with an old man that can throw a decent punch." He won't look at me when he says it, offering nothing more than shrug.
I swallow hard, wondering how much this is supposed to change. "Your dad did that?"
Blake rolls his eyes. "No, the man in the moon did." He looks at me then, a hint of amusement in his eyes. "Yeah, it was my dad. What – you think Roxane was bluffing in there?"
His confession stirs something in me. Something akin to sympathy but it's not the only thing I'm feeling. I wouldn't wish this kind of shit on anyone but… some sick part of myself almost thinks he deserves it. After the hell he's put Danny through… what are a few bruises?
"You know this doesn't change anything to me, right?" I ask, wondering if he'll think this is just abut Jeff. Or if he'll somehow read between the lines and know that I've figured out the truth.
Blake laughs then, the sound loud in the quiet of the library. "I think I'd hate you a little if it did." He looks at me with a smile that disappears almost immediately. "I deserve it. Whatever horrible thing you're thinking, I deserve it. I deserve worse than what you're thinking."
I don't know how to disagree so I decide to leave that for Danny. He can speak words of reassurance to Blake even though he doesn't deserve them. It's not my job to comfort someone who broke the boy that has my heart.
"I'm not an idiot. I know the shit I did was fucked up," he admits, his gaze fixed on the carpet when I look at him. "And I don't have an excuse because… because there isn't an excuse. Not for what I've done."
Why does it have to be like this? Why does he have to be self-aware of what an asshole he's been? It's easier to hate him when he's not admitting just how horrible the things he's done have been or trying to muster out an apology.
"I'm trying really damn hard to stop being that asshole – the one I've turned into but…" He drops his hands into his lap with a heavy sigh. "What's in my head doesn't come out right and I don't know how to start over or how to take back all the things I've done."
There isn't an easy solution to this. He can't just apologize and have it all go away. He broke Danny. He forced Paulina to do something horrible. He can't just snap his fingers and undo it all.
"I don't think you can take back any of it." My tone is soft on the words but I mean them.
He nods, leaning his head back against the wall. His stare is trained up at the ceiling but he doesn't stay silent for long. I get this weird feeling that this conversation is some kind of a relief for him. No one else knows all the shit he's done without being directly involved. I'm an outsider. I'm a blank slate for him.
"And I know you're probably thinking it but this isn't even about wanting to be with Danny." He breaks the staring contest with the ceiling, rolling his head to the side to look at me. "I mean, I still like him – hell, I think I'll always like him. But I know it's over between us. I know he's moved on." Blake lifts one corner of his mouth. "Don't worry, I know the score. You win, Dash."
My heart jumps inside my chest when I realize what he means. Danny. He means I've won Danny.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I lie.
Blake rolls his eyes. "Bullshit. You honestly think you're subtle? I think half the school knows you're crushing on him by now." He shrugs, leaning back against the wall. "Besides, I've known you since we were freshman. You can't hide it from me."
That makes me flush and if this were anyone else, I'd laugh it off and continue denying it. But Blake's always been perceptive. As annoying as he can be, he's always been able to read all of us instantly. He'd know I was lying before I even got the words out.
"Danny's crushing on you back, you know," he says, one corner of his mouth lifting upward when I meet his gaze. "I've seen that look on his face enough times to know. He likes you."
I don't know why my heart is pounding in my ears but I don't want to believe him. After everything that happened the night of his party, I don't think letting myself believe that Danny could ever want me is a good thing. My heart might get too attached to the idea and never want to let go again.
"I-It doesn't matter," I blurt out before I can stop myself. I don't want to keep going with the thought but Blake raises an eyebrow and the rest tumbles out of me. "You saw him in there. With Felix."
Blake snorts. "Please. That guy's a tool, he'll bore Danny quickly," he says with a shrug. "Besides – Danny's just using him to make you jealous anyway."
"No, he's not." I don't know why that sends the butterflies racing through me but I feel strangely happy and like I'm about to spontaneously combust at the same time. I shouldn't feel anything remotely close to happiness while I'm sitting with Blake.
He groans, collapsing back against the wall. "Are you blind? Come on – everyone sees it but you. Danny's falling for you. Hard." He tilts his head to one side, raising one eyebrow again. "You think I wouldn't recognize it?"
I run a hand through my hair, looking away from him. This is hard. I'm not ready to give up on being with Danny but letting myself entertain this idea is asking for trouble. It's like playing Russian roulette with love – there's a chance that I might have it but there's always the chance that things end messy. With broken hearts and the thousand what if's between us forever.
Blake nudges my foot with his and I nearly jump at the sudden contact. He frowns when I look at him and I can only shrug in response, slowly letting out a breath I didn't realize I was holding in.
"What I did in the past was fucked up but I'm not lying to you. I know Danny. He likes you," he says the words with a hint of sadness to his tone and for one fraction of a second, I feel sorry for him. But the second passes when someone comes to a stop at the end of the aisle we're sitting by.
I look up before Blake does. Danny's hesitating at the end of the aisle but he seems to find some strength and starts toward us. My heart's in my throat as he walks the short distance to us and Blake's gone silent next to me.
"Hey, I was looking for you," Danny says, his gaze on me. His cheeks color quickly and I read too much into it as he looks toward Blake. "B-Both of you."
Blake gives me a look like he calls bullshit but he doesn't say anything. He just gets his backpack from the floor and stands, gathering his makeshift lunch.
"It's cool. I don't have a spare like you guys so I'll just get out of your way." He offers Danny a smile and though he starts away from us, Danny's quick to call after him.
He lets out a quiet breath but he turns around, his usual defenses and guards down in this moment. His expression more open and honest than I ever seen him before. Maybe it's just being around Danny. Maybe he brings that out in people. Or maybe Danny's the only person that Blake has ever been honest with.
"You don't… have to go yet," Danny says quietly.
Blake looks past him, toward me. It only lasts a split second but I think I know what he means with the look. He would stay if not for me. He'd try to fix all the ways he went wrong with Danny if I wasn't already here to pick up his broken pieces.
"No, that's okay. I need to talk to the guidance counselor about college application stuff anyway," Blake says, giving Danny a smile. He touches him on the elbow and I wonder if I'm imagining the way that Danny leans into the touch. It stirs that jealous creature sitting in my chest and I don't have a right to feel this way.
Blake leaves then and Danny's rooted in place, just watching. He stands there in silence for a few seconds longer than he has to and that tugs at my heart strings. Reminds me that before me, Danny had Blake. That he had everything with Blake.
"Danny."
He turns to look at me, worry pinching his expression. I imagine him running after Blake and leaving me behind like some stale image of something he once thought he wanted.
"You were looking for me?" I ask, self-consciousness leaking into my tone.
Danny hesitates for a second longer but he takes in a deep breath and that worry drops from his expression. He's all smiles as he crosses the bit of distance between us and sits down in the spot Blake was just in.
"Yes… you have a final to study for?" he asks, unzipping his backpack before he looks over his shoulder. "Do you want to go sit at one of the tables?"
I gesture in their general direction. "They're all full."
He chews on his bottom lip, distracting me entirely from the subject of math. He's quiet for a few seconds longer and it's enough for me to get used to the racing of my heart again now that he's near.
"We could find somewhere else to study if you want to…" he trails off, like it's up to me. But his hesitation only lasts so long before the rest tumbles out. "You could come by my place after school if you want. I'm free all night."
The way he says it – with a promise in his tone – it makes me think that everything Blake said is true. That the stars I can see in Danny's eyes are for me. That they're mine for the taking. And I want to have them. More than I want anything else. But there are things between us that no confession can fix. And before I even try, I have to tell him the things I know.
"Danny, I gotta tell you something," I say before he has the chance to speak again. "The other day… I went by the station to see my dad and he-"
"Is that when this happened?" he asks, brushing his knuckles against the bruise along my cheekbone.
I catch his hand in mine, groaning softly as my eyes fall closed. He's making this harder than it has to be. "Danny, please." I'm practically begging and I know he can hear it in my tone.
He drops his hand from mine, giving me an apologetic look when I open my eyes again. I lean across the space between us and squeeze his knee – letting him know I'm not upset with him. It's just bad timing piled on top of every other shitty excuse I keep coming up with to not go after this thing with Danny.
Truth is, I'm scared. I think deep down, I always have been. I'm scared that I'll get the chance to try with Danny and he'll decide that he doesn't like me that much. Or he'll start to miss Blake and everything will fall apart between us. I'm terrified my dad will find out about this – about how badly I want to kiss another boy, and he'll end it. Either with his power at the police department or with a bullet to my head.
I can't have dad come after Danny like that. I can't have him scare away the one person that makes these endless days until graduation bearable.
"He told me… that your parents had something to do with my arrest," I admit, feeling this weight drop off my shoulders when the information shifts Danny's focus to what I'm saying. "After that day the agents were here?"
"And you pulled the fire alarm for me," Danny finishes for me, letting out a pent-up breath. He runs his hand through his hair, his movements shaky. "God, that's…"
He looks up at me then, the look on his face almost unreadable. "Dash… I don't know anything about that, I swear. I wouldn't have let them do that to you if I'd known," he promises, sliding his hand into my own. His shakes and no matter how tightly I hold onto him, I can't fix this for him.
"I wouldn't have done that to you," he says again.
"I know," I try, an attempt at reassuring him. It does little to calm the way his hand shakes in mine and I wish I hadn't brought it up. "Don't say anything about it to them, yet. Not until we know more. I just thought… that you should know."
Danny tightens his hold on my hand. "Dash," he breathes, meeting my gaze with fear in his eyes. "Do you think that they know about this? About… what I can do?"
I lean across the space between us, putting my hand on his shoulder. He breathes out shakily, the fear in his eyes now spreading to the rest of his body. I don't know what to say to calm him. I don't know how to fix this for him.
"I don't know," I admit, shaking his shoulder just a little as he looks away from me. "But you don't have to find out alone. I'll be with you, for whatever you need me to be."
He nods, his eyes falling closed for a few moments while he collects himself. While he quiets the shaking in his breath and the trembling of his soul. I don't know how he does it. I don't even know if I have a right to be jealous of him. But he makes this look easy and I don't know how it ever could be.
"I want to see you over the holiday break," Danny says when opens his eyes. He takes a second longer to himself before he raises his stare to mine, inviting me to see the stars in his eyes again. "Things are always… so chaotic at my place and I think that having you there for some of it will help."
I wonder if I ease the racing of his heart the way he does mine. If I inject some sense of calm into his veins. He's probably stronger than me – strong enough to face all of this on his own. But if he wants me, then I'm his.
"Just tell me when to be there and I'll come over," I promise.
He relaxes next to me and when his eyes fall closed, he drops his head against my shoulder. I don't think I'm going to get much studying done. Then again – with Danny next to me, did I ever have a chance?
A/N:
Yoooooo! My dudes, this chapter is done and it took FOREVER TO EDIT. I kept second guessing myself and putting new scenes in only to take them out again and omg, it's time that it's finally out of my head and out there for all of you.
I'm sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out there. And I'm sorry there's still no confession, I know some of you must be thinking that I'm dragging this out just because I can but I swear, this is all going according to plan
SO LETS TALK THIS CHAPTER. I can finally communicate with you all about this shit instead of just going over it again and again in my head. So, let's talk.
What do you think of Dash spending the night with Paulina? How about the altercation with his dad at the station? How about that casual info drop about the Fenton parents? PLEASE tell me anything you're thinking, I've been keeping all of this to myself for so long now
The scene with Blake and just generally, everything after the stargazing scene, was added on during edits. So, I'd really love to know what you think of it. I always planned for some information about Blake to be slipped in here and there so I'd love to know what you think of it
Let me be clear though, because I know sometimes it can get lost in translation, just because I'm giving Blake a back-story like this – some way to feel sorry for him – I'm not saying that it excuses what he did or that what he did was somehow forgivable because of what he's going through. He fucked up a lot with Danny and it's inexcusable and unforgiveable
Danny might be the forgiving type but I know that it's not that simple. Just because you want to give someone a second chance doesn't mean you should. But I also know that sometimes people change, sometimes they grow up and they get some perspective and they realize how shitty they were. Again, it doesn't excuse what they did. It doesn't forgive it. But people can change
I hope that makes sense and it doesn't sound like a bunch of excuses piled on top of each other. Truth be told, if I could write this story any other way, Danny wouldn't forgive Blake and Dash would come charging in and clock Blake a good one. But I can't write a story that's not true. Danny's the forgiving type and it wouldn't do him justice to paint him in any other light
Okay, this author's note is getting longer than I thought it'd be so I'll leave you with this. I'd love to know what you think of this chapter and/or this fic in general. You can hit me up on tumblr if you want to – I'd love to hear from you!
The title of this chapter comes from Stay by Hurts. The title of this story is in the title of the song so… you gotta know that means it's good. Give it a listen if you want
Thank you so much for sticking with this story. Even though it's insanely long and brings a whole new meaning to slow burn, thank you for your continued support and interest. Next update, expect a car chase, a fight between our boys, and a confession scene that none of you will be ready for. Prepare yourselves, it gets angsty
I'll see you all next update!
