Warnings: abuse of a minor, threats made from a parental figure, panic attack, throwing up, anxiety, a car chase, and general fear

Notes: this chapter is 48k, brace yourself


"Eric, if I trip over your creeper one more time-" Alex cuts himself off from grumbling, kicking the offending shop creeper out of the way as he sends another glare in my coworker's direction. Eric only snickers in response before he turns his back to Alex, focused on Anastasia again. Much to Alex's irritation, she continues to tell Eric a story of something that happened last week when he was out sick.

Alex huffs out a breath, his hands sliding onto his hips as he takes a few steps toward the pair of them. "Try to remember that you work for me, not my annoying sister," Alex says, waiting until they both look at him before he spreads his hands wide. "Is there a reason Keith and Dash are the only ones working right now?"

I'm one bay over from where Eric and Anastasia are slacking off and for once, I'm staying out of it. Though it doesn't stop me from quietly snickering at how ticked off Alex sounds. He doesn't lose his cool easily and I know they're only pushing his buttons on purpose to see how far they can run with this.

"Alright, alright, keep your hair on." Anastasia hops down from the stool she's been perched on for the last half an hour, nursing a beer and half a pack of cigarettes. She gives Alex a look as she passes by him but she returns to the Nissan Pathfinder she abandoned in favor of alcohol.

It's almost closing time on Tuesday, only a couple days until school's out for winter break, and everything would be done right about now if Eric and Anastasia hadn't decided on playing the slacker game. I, on the other hand, am a completely model employee and just finished up the repairs on an old Kia. The lady who dropped it off literally laid hands on the hood and prayed over it before she let go of the keys. Not that I blame her – the thing was barely hanging on when she left it with me.

"Alex, you'll be happy to know that I'm finished with my car," I say, tossing a smirk at Eric and Anastasia, snorting when she flips me her middle finger. "And, might I add, it's perfectly capable of running now, so… our customer will be very happy with our repairs."

Alex gestures toward me. "See – Dash knows what it means to show up and get some actual work done. What the hell's the matter with you two?"

Anastasia's still mouthing off, half her talk in Spanish and the other in swears, when I slam the hood closed on the car.I leave my bay, swiping a rag from the stool to clean my hands, as I start for the bay Keith's working in.

My teammate barely looks up at me when I approach him but the tips of his ears turn pink when I stop in front of him. I've been teasing him about Kwan since his shift started and I think he's finally realized that there's no escaping this. He's dating my best friend – he had to expect it on some level.

"I hope your intentions for my best friend are completely pure, Keith. A little bird told me that you spent the night with him only hours after telling him of your affections. Is that true?" I ask, leaning against the car he's mostly finished with. He's just putting the hubcaps on the new tires and then he'll be done too.

Keith doesn't look up at me as he continues to work but a smile quirks one corner of his mouth before he speaks. "I'm surprised that little bird had any vocal cords left after I was finished with him," he says and I can practically feel vomit sitting at the back of my throat.

"Ew, dude," I respond, backhanding him on the shoulder. "I don't want to hear that shit about my best friend – I've known him since we were in grade school."

Keith shrugs with a grin. "Well, he's all grown up now."

I groan, turning away from him. I hate him for putting that kind of image in my head. I mean… technically, I brought on it myself by teasing him in the first place but still. Ugh.

"Speaking of…" He spins a screw in place before looking up at me. "Why haven't you told Danny how you feel yet?"

I lean across the space between us, smacking him on the shoulder again. His words send a rush through my system. He's one to talk – he took his fucking time telling Kwan how he feels. "Hey, say that a little louder, will you? I don't think people in Canada heard you."

Keith rolls his eyes, passing his wrench between his hands before he shrugs. "Seriously. What are you waiting on – the two of you to grow old together or something?"

"Shut up, I'm taking my time," I respond.

"Please. You've been taking your time since that day Blake threw a football in his face," Keith argues, talking over me when I try to give another shitty excuse. "I don't care what your hang-up's are, Dash. Fact is: you haven't told him." He waves a wrench toward the Kia I just finished with. "You're good at fixing cars and running plays on the field but you have no idea how to go after him, do you?"

It stings that he's so damn right. I'm starting to get certain parts of my life together but some of it… I don't think I even know how to get it together. How to fix this shit with dad. Or how to cup Danny's face in my hands and tell him he means the world to me.

I kick the tire on the FordKeith's working on. "It's… complicated."

"Sounds like an excuse."

I sigh. "Look, you saw him today," I mumble, hating the way the words taste on my tongue. "He looked… happy with Felix. In the cafetera? He just… he looked happy."

"Yeah, well." Keith tightens another screw before he stands, tossing his wrench into his tool box. "He'll be happier with you. If you ever get the guts to tell him, that is."

He stretches his arms over his head, letting out a soft breath before he looks back at me. "Kinda weird that Blake wasn't at lunch today," he says, watching me as I meet his gaze. "Do you know if something happened to him?"

I saw Blake in English class – we both did. But he practically avoided all of us for the bulk of the day. I think he's hoping that after winter break's finished and next semester starts, everyone will have forgotten what Roxane said. How she basically outed him in front of all of us. And I know I'm a dick for even thinking it but… there's a part of me that feels like he got what he deserved. He forced Paulina to out Danny years ago. Eye for an eye.

"No, I… don't know anything about that," I lie, looking over my shoulder as if someone called me.

Keith nudges my arm with the back of his hand. He gives me a look when I finally turn back to him. "Come on." He folds his arms over his chest and nods toward me. "I keep thinking about the way he was acting at Danny's party. It's just… weird, right? He was really amped up but I don't think he was on something that night. It was almost like someone was messing with him."

The reminder of Danny's party does shit for my attempts to stay calm. I don't want to think about Danny and Blake in the same sentence. Even if Blake says he's backing off and not going after him, that doesn't stop Danny from wanting him. And something tells me he's always gonna want Blake.

"What I don't get is… Blake's always been a loose cannon, you know?" Keith lets out a breath, unfolding his arms just to slide his hands into his back pockets. "Were we supposed to see this coming or…?"

I chew on the inside of my lip and shake my head in the silence. "I don't know, Keith."

"Is there something you know that I don't?"

Everything I can't say is clawing up the back of my throat, urging me to just spill it. To just tell Keith the truth so I'm not the only one dealing with the fallout of this situation. But it's not my shit to talk about. It's Danny's story to tell. And though Keith was there that night fucking forever ago on the cold balcony as Danny told us all about his ex-boyfriend… Keith still doesn't know that it's Blake.

My phone rings in my back pocket and I let out a slow breath, dragging my hand through my hair. "Gimme a second," I mumble, tugging my phone out of my pocket. A picture of Jeff with his tongue stuck out fills my screen as the photo ID and it's almost a relief to see him instead of Danny.

"Hello?" I answer with, darting my gaze away from Keith.

Jeff heaves a sigh into the receiver. "Dude, I think I'm fucked. I can't find my wallet. I texted Danny cause I thought I left it at his place, right? But he says it's not there. So, I call Star, okay? And she can't find it either. I've completely torn my house apart but I can't tell either of my parents cause they'll kill me for losing my dad's credit card and I-"

"Relax, I have your wallet," I interrupt him.

He breathes out quickly, his tone taking on a note of relief. "Oh thank fuck."

"Sorry, I meant to give it back to you the other day but I forgot." I sandwich the phone between my cheek and my ear, starting out of the garage. "I left it in my car. It must have slipped my mind."

Although a few snow flurries are drifting lazily through the sky, it's nothing like what Amity Park usually sees. And I don't think it's gonna stick yet. We normally have a white Christmas every year but… it feels like the snow is holding off on something.

"Nah, you're good. Totally feel that dude – finals season gets us all," he says and some kind of noise plays in the background before his voice is back on the line. "So where are you? I'll come and get it."

I tell him to meet me at the garage and repeat the address twice before his GPS device takes it.

"You need to upgrade that thing, it's a piece of junk," I tease.

He snorts. "Says the guy that doesn't have the balls to tell a certain someone how he feels."

Fuck. What is up with the universe today – is it national tease the fuck out of your friend day? I haven't done anything remotely horrible to deserve this. First Keith, now Jeff. What – are they fucking tag-teaming me?

"Shove it. Drive safe," is how I choose to respond before I abruptly end the call.

My car is cold as fuck when I open the passenger door to dig through the glove box. I shed my coveralls and toss them into the backseat, grabbing my hoodie instead. I find Jeff's wallet in my glove compartment and toss my hoodie over my arm as I start up to the garage again.

Alex glances my way when I come to a stop in the bay I was just working in and I give him a hesitant smile before I move to where he's standing. "Finally got the slackers to work?" I ask, yanking the hoodie on over my head.

Without prompting, Alex reaches over and helps me pull the hoodie down over my stomach and I shoot him a grateful smile before I adjust the drawstrings either side of the hood. "Thanks," I say as Alex leans back against the KiaI finished.

He nods toward the exit, his eyebrows drawing down. "What's going on? Who were you talking to?"

Hearing that kind of question used to make a chill run through me. Cause it was usually dad posing the question not out of curiosity but something else. Something almost sinister. Cause he never cared what the answer was, he just wanted to put me on the spot. Force me to come up with some lie or stumble my way through the truth, terrified that either one would anger him for some reason. But Alex asking gives me an entirely different feeling.

I can't help the smile tugging at my mouth as I sink down on the stool, my knees brushing Alex's as I move. "Nothing. One of my friends – Jeff – he left his wallet at a party the other night and I kept up with it for him. He's just gonna swing by the garage to pick it up."

Alex nods, his gaze drifting past my head to look at Anastasia. Once he's confirmed that she's still working, he looks back at me. "Kendra's making dinner tonight but let me know if you'd rather get something with Jeff, I have a couple twenties in my wallet."

I forgot what it's like to be around somebody that actually cares about me. And even though it's been kinda strange since I started staying at his place, Alex is just going with it. He doesn't see it the way that I do. He doesn't see me the way that I do. And I'm really fucking grateful he hasn't caught that side of me yet. Cause as much as I know that this can't go on forever, I wanna enjoy it while it lasts.

"No, I'm fine," I respond, smiling when I look up at him. "You leaving now?"

Alex shakes his head, pushing away from the car. "And leave these idiots without any supervision?" he asks, a smile crossing his face as Anastasia hollers something back in Spanish that anybody could guess is some kind of swear.

"Sorry, let me clarify – Keith you're not an idiot. These two are," Alex says, gesturing to Eric and Anastasia who both flip him off, drawing out a laugh from Alex.

I turn on the stool to watch them, grinning as the three of them trade insults – some in English and some in Spanish – but they're all laughing with each passing word and it makes me laugh too. God, I fucking love being at the garage.


Jeff's dusty old Ford pulls to a stop at the edge of the garage and he hops out of it, slamming the door closed. He bounds up into the garage like a puppy and I barely have time to react before he's attempting to pick me up in a bear hug.

"This just in, Jeff Steele's got the quarterback in a chokehold. He's running for the end zone," Jeff is practically screaming, wobbling as he staggers forward a few steps, twisting his head out of my reach as I try to push away from him. "H-He's got the pass. And it's gooooooood!"

He abruptly drops me onto the ground, grinning as he stands over me, and I glare at him in response.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I ask, taking Jeff's hand anyway when he offers it to me. He helps pull me back onto my feet and shove him as soon as I'm upright. "You could have hurt my throwing arm and then I'd have to kill you."

Jeff laughs loudly, clapping me on the shoulder, and I pass his wallet off to him. "Aw, thank fuck, dude. I was shitting myself the other night when Danny said he didn't have it. I thought I was gonna have to start living under a bridge to avoid my parents ever finding out that I lost my dad's credit card." He dramatically kisses his wallet before he shoves it into his back pocket. "Thanks man, I owe you one."

"Does that mean pizza's on you tonight?" I ask, grinning as he rolls his eyes.

"In your dreams, dude," he says, turning when Alex greets him. Jeff waves, grinning as he takes a step away from me. "Yo, Alex. Was Dash giving you trouble like always?" he asks before he drags me into a headlock, scrubbing his knuckles against the top of my head.

I push him away and give him a look that only makes him laugh hysterically. Forget his parents killing him, he'll be lucky if I don't.

Alex smiles when he reaches the two of us. "I've heard a lot about you from Dash and Keith, it's nice to meet you."

Jeff takes Alex's hand when it's offered to him and he shakes it vigorously. "Likewise. Though I gotta tell you, if either of those shits have told you anything about me stealing a bus… you should know that it was their idea."

I shove his shoulder, grinning as he turns to look at me. "Oh bullshit, it was you and that senior you used to follow around like a puppy – what was his name?"

"Martin," Keith calls from his bay, waving a wrench in greeting when Jeff glances his way.

Jeff rolls his eyes, crossing his arms. "Whatever. Point is, I had nothing to do with it. I was framed, Alex. Entirely innocent. These two will tell you anything to ruin my good name."

"Hey, come here," Keith says, gesturing to Jeff who quickly leaves me and Alex in favor of "better conversation." He's such an idiot but god, he's fucking hilarious sometimes.

I spare a glance at Alex before I follow Jeff over to Keith. They're already cutting up when I get over to them and Jeff's grinning from ear to ear.

"What are you two idiots talking about?" I tease, smiling too when Jeff looks at me. "I'm guessing nothing interesting since you're involved, Jeff."

He rolls his eyes dramatically. "You say that like you don't want to hang out over winter break." He jerks his thumb toward Keith. "He wants to hang out with me, you know."

"Please. Keith just wants somebody to talk to about Kwan."

Keith's cheeks turn pink. "Like you're one to talk. As soon as you get the guts to tell Danny how you feel, you'll be talking him up to every single one of us."

"Dude, he already does that," Jeff responds, clasping his hands in front of him and batting his eyes dramatically. "Did you guys know that he loves stars? Oh, he's so smart in algebra! Do you think he'll like my-"

I give him a shove backward. "Shut up!" I hiss, looking over my shoulder. Both Alex and Anastasia are involved in their conversation with Eric again so they miss the interaction. But if I could kill with just a fucking look, Jeff wouldn't make it out of this garage.

"Aww, come on, we're just teasing you." Jeff's grinning when I look back at him but he gives in when I don't lift my glare. "Okay, okay, I'll stop. Sheesh."

Keith's looking my way when I shift my gaze over to him but he's quick to look at Jeff instead. "Have you talked to Blake today?"

Jeff's smile dampens a little with the question but he nods. "Yeah, he came by my house after school. Had dinner with me and the folks."

That scratches at me more than it should. Jeff's one of my best friends and if he's hanging out with Blake… maybe he'll actually pick Blake's side over mine. I don't even know if it matters anymore but… from the way my chest is aching, I think it still matters to me.

"What Roxane said the other day…" Keith trails off, glancing my way before he lets out a breath. "Kind of weird, huh? Like… out of the blue?"

Jeff hesitates for a second, sliding his hands into his pockets before he shrugs. "Kind of."

There's something almost nonchalant about his response. Like it doesn't matter to him either way. And I guess that's a good thing – he doesn't care if Keith and I like guys, so why should he care if Blake does? But there's something else about it. Almost like it didn't come as a surprise to him. Almost like-

"You knew?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

Jeff looks to me, running his tongue along his teeth before he shrugs again. "Of course I knew." He lets out a slow breath as he shakes his head. "I've known Blake for years, he couldn't really hide it from me. Not that he… tried that hard to, but still."

That sends my heart racing in my chest and I can't explain it. So what if Jeff knows? So what if he's closer to Blake than I thought he was? Blake's not going after Danny anymore. And he knows I'll fucking kill him if he tries anything.

"I knew when he was with Danny too," Jeff says suddenly, nodding when I look up at him. "Blake told me when he was with him."

Keith makes some kind of surprised noise but I beat him to the response. "Did Blake also tell you that he used Danny as his fucking punching bag?"

I didn't mean to spit the words out but they land at his feet anyway. Jeff watches me carefully, like he doesn't know what to say or what will set me off. And my own chest is heaving from the anger I feel coursing through me like my own damn blood. Keith's lost somewhere in this conversation but I don't have the brain space to figure out how to bring him up to speed.

Jeff lets out a quiet breath. "Yeah, I know that too."

What the fuck? How can he be friends with Blake after knowing the shit he's done? Blake's a fucking monster for ever putting his hands on Danny. How can Jeff justify it? How he can stay friends with someone like that?

"Why are you still friends with him?" I ask, my voice betraying how much this conversation is fucking with me.

Jeff hesitates again, chewing on his bottom lip as his gaze drifts around the garage. His silence is unnerving and I ache to interrupt it. To bring up everything Blake's ever done. But my voice is stuck inside my throat and I can't find the words I need to speak. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe it'll sting less when Jeff starts to defend him.

"I'm not going to defend him," Jeff starts out, his words working to ease the way my heart has clenched. "I can't excuse what he did because… there's no excusing it. He's done some horrible stuff."

There's no denying that. But it doesn't answer my question.

"Jeff." I wait till he looks at me before I repeat it. "Why are you still friends with him?"

He sighs, looking away from both of us. He chews on the inside of his lip, looking around the garage, and leaving the three of us in silence. I don't know why he just can't say it. Whatever reason he has for sticking by Blake even after all of this bullshit… it has to be a good one. And if it's that good of an answer, why can't he just spit it out?

"Blake is lost, you guys." Jeff turns to look at the both of us, sparing a glance Keith's way before his stare shifts to me. His expression softens but it doesn't make the words any easier to swallow. "I know you don't want to hear this and believe me, I know that you're still going to see him as the guy that screwed Danny up. But… it's just not that simple to me."

Jeff slides his hands from his pockets, folding his arms over his chest before he lets out a breath. "Sophomore year, Blake was struggling with his sexuality. He was going to clubs and hooking up with guys and then calling me on the phone, begging me to come pick him up."

Fuck, I don't want to hear this. I don't want all of this shit to make me feel sorry for Blake. He fucked up. He did something horrible to the boy that I love. How is his fucking tragedy supposed to make this better?

"He got high one night, drove his dad's car to my place and…" Jeff sighs heavily, unfolding his arms to run his hand through his hair. "He was talking crazy. Said he shouldn't be here anymore – that everyone would just be better off if he was gone. He said that things had gotten really bad since his sister left for college. She was apparently some kind of… barrier between him and his parents. But with her gone…" Jeff trails off, whistling softly.

It shouldn't make a difference. So what if Blake's had the shit beaten out of him? I have too. I'm not out here beating the shit out of someone else just because it's happened to me. That's an excuse. It's a fucking excuse and I-

"Sorry, is that supposed to make the shit he's done okay?" I spit out before I can stop myself.

Jeff meets my stare with a heavy sigh and he hangs his head just a little. I feel like a dick. It's not Jeff's fault that I can't get over this shit with Blake. It's not his fault that Danny means the fucking world to me and I can't forgive anyone that hurts him.

"No, it's not. But I… thought it might explain him a little better," Jeff says, watching me carefully before he sighs again. "I don't know, I just thought you of all people would understand."

"What does that mean?"

He shakes his head, chewing on his lip again. "Nothing."

I run my tongue along my teeth, count to ten in my head. I even try the breathing trick that Danny taught me. But none of it works to ease the burning in the center of my chest. I can't come down from this and I don't think I ever will.

"Come on, just say it," I spit.

Jeff meets my stare again before he shrugs one shoulder. "I just meant that you know what having a parent like that feels like. I just thought… that you might understand why he gets so crazy sometimes."

"It doesn't excuse the shit he did to Danny, he's still-"

"I'm not saying it excuses what he did!" Jeff suddenly yells, jerking his hands through his hair. "God, Dash, you're so blind to this situation just because Danny's tied in. Can't you see it? Before Danny – before all of this – Blake was spiraling. His parents were slowly killing him and he didn't feel like he could be himself with any of us. I was the only one he trusted enough to come out to."

I'm shrewdly aware of everyone looking our way and that's the only thing that keeps me quiet. It's the only thing that stops me from spewing more of this acid at Jeff. He's not the one I'm angry at. Fuck, I don't even know if I should be angry anymore. Danny's moved on. Blake's trying to change… would it fucking kill me just to give him a chance?

"Blake went away that summer," Jeff says, his voice at normal volume again. He looks toward Keith, letting out a breath and providing context to him. "To a conversion camp."

I hear Keith make a disgusted noise but I can't look away from Jeff. It doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. Fuck, am I an asshole for thinking it doesn't matter? I wouldn't wish that kind of thing on anyone but Blake is… it doesn't excuse what he did. We all have shit to go through. It can't be used as an excuse or some kind of crutch. Life sucks. We don't all go out and beat the shit out of our boyfriends.

"You can't expect me to believe that his pain somehow makes what he did okay," I speak softly, try to keep my tone from rising. And from the look on Jeff's face, I think he recognizes how much effort I'm putting in just to sound fucking normal.

Jeff nods slowly. "I'm not saying that it does. Of course it doesn't, Dash." He lets out a breath, closing some of the distance that's grown between us. "Look, I get that you can't look past what he's done. But… I can. And I'm sorry but as long as he's not doing it anymore, I can get past what he did."

God, I wish it were that simple. I wish that I could just see Danny and Blake hanging out and not want to kill him for hurting Danny. I wish I could tell my irrational heart to stop worrying about this whole goddamn mess. But love isn't as simple as we want it to be.

"I'm sorry about it but… I can't turn my back on him now. Everyone else already has," Jeff says, driving this wedge of guilt deeper into my gut.

Blake's trying to change. Jeff can look past the shit that Blake did. Danny's even getting through all of this. Why the fuck can't I?

There's a million things I want to ask Jeff but I don't want to ask in front of Keith. He's a bystander in all of this. He's never been close with Blake and he doesn't like Danny the way I do. He's neutral and maybe that'd be a good thing in this kind of conversation but… I don't want to get him involved.

"You know, he used to come by my place almost every night because of something to do with his parents?" Jeff looks between me and Keith. "But after they sent him away, he stopped coming by. I tried to reach him, to help in any way that I could but… he didn't want to see me." He drops his stare down to his hands, twisting his fingers around each other as he shrugs. "I don't know. He's been starting to open up again these past few weeks but… it's slow progress."

Keith lets out a pent-up breath and I wish I could expel everything I'm feeling with a breath of my own. I wish I could make this work. I wish I wasn't so hung up on the details of this situation. And sometimes, I wish I wasn't so desperately, pathetically in love with Danny.

"Hey, boys!" Alex calls from across the garage. He waves when I look at him over my shoulder. "We're going to order some food, any of you want in on it?"

Jeff holds up a hand. "I'm good, thanks!"

Keith is quick to agree and I hear him quietly say that he's leaving to pick Kwan up for ice cream soon. The tips of his ears turn pink with the confession and I wish it were that easy for me. I wish that I could let something like this turn my mind away from Blake. But he hurt the boy I love. I don't know if it'll ever be easy for me.

I leave Keith and Jeff in their bay and come over to where Alex is. He's chewing on the end of a pencil as he nods to something Eric's rattling off. Judging from everything Alex has already written down on the pad of paper in his hand, I guess they're ordering Chinese.

"What do you want, Dash?" Alex asks, barely looking up from his pad with the question. And what a fucking question it is.

There's so many things I want. To go to a good college. For Danny to be mine. To not let this shit with Blake fuck me up so badly. A dad that doesn't change his mind in the blink of an eye. A mom that doesn't just leave in the middle of the night without an explanation.

"Egg roll," I respond, shrugging when Alex looks at me. Something in his eyes spills more from me than I should tell him. "I'm not really hungry. Just wanted to get away from them."

Alex looks past me, in the direction of the other two. His eyebrows draw down just a little as he nods toward them. "Is something going on?"

It's nothing, really. It's me. I'm making this out to be a bigger deal than it has to be. Jeff's trying to protect a friend. It's not his fault that friend broke the boy I've fallen for.

"No, it's just… Jeff and I disagree on something. And I don't know if we'll ever see each other's side." I chew on the inside of my lip as I drop my gaze from Alex.

He's quiet for a few seconds but his hand on my shoulder is comforting. "You'll work it out. You two have been friends for a while, right? I'm sure you've had your disagreements before."

We've never had one like this. Disagreements over video games or alcohol tastes is one thing. This is bigger than any of that. This feels life changing. World shattering. How can we work something like this out?

"He's actually one of my best friends," I admit with a sigh, looking back at him.

Keith's talking with Jeff in a low tone and I can tell from the look on Jeff's face that the conversation has taken a turn he didn't expect or want. He keeps grimacing and for a second, I think that Keith's torturing him with details about Kwan the way he was doing to me but… I see Jeff's mouth form Star's name and I think I know what they're talking about. His whole world is changing now. And it makes everything we were arguing about seem so stupid. We disagree. So fucking what?

"If you need any advice, I'm here for anything."

I drag my stare back to him and I shouldn't say anything. I shouldn't even think about mentioning it. But one look at me and Alex reads me like a damn book. His hand touches my shoulder again like it never left in the first place and it's like a breath of fresh air in the midst of drowning.

"What's wrong?"

I shake my head, swallowing hard to dislodge the lump in my throat. "Do you think… Jeff could start working here?" I ask, continuing when Alex's eyebrows draw down. "He knows a little about cars but I can train him for a while. I'll make sure that he knows everything he needs to in order to do a good job." I fidget, try to sound casual with the question. "We can start him with some of the basics? Or even just working the counter?"

"Slow down, kiddo. What's this about?" Alex asks, his voice soft as he squeezes my shoulder again. He's looking at me with such concern in his eyes, I know I'll feel guilty lying to him. So I drop my gaze to the floor and utter a silent apology to Jeff.

I exhale out, shrugging Alex's hand off of me as I scratch the back of my head, keeping my gaze downcast. Fuck, I want to help Jeff but… maybe this isn't the way. Maybe I should have fucking asked him first what he needs.

"Jeff's girlfriend is… she's pregnant, Alex," I say, my voice barely above a whisper as I look up at him, mirroring his frown. "I don't know how to help him but I guess he's gonna need a job now, right? Or… something."

Alex gets this far away look in his eyes. Like he retreats inside of himself. It doesn't last for longer than a few seconds but I feel this coldness between us in that time. Like he's constructing a wall big enough to hide behind and there's nothing I can do to drag him back out again.

He lets go of my shoulder and turns toward the other two as he calls Jeff's name. "Come here," he says when Jeff looks up. Alex steps away from me and I follow him over to a bay where Eric's Hondais sitting. "You know how to change a tire?"

"Yeah, of course." Jeff gestures toward me. "What – you think I'm friends with this one and don't know anything about cars? I think he'd disown me if I didn't."

"Mind changing this one for me?" Alex asks, making it sound more like a statement than a question. He checks that the arms on the rotary liftare in the right position under the car before he starts to raise them up to meet the underside of the car. He glances at Jeff, but doesn't wait for him to respond. "Grab that brown toolbox behind you."

Jeff looks from Alex to me, giving me a questioning look before he heads for the toolbox. He slides his hand from his pocket to grab the handle and carries it over to Alex, holding it out toward him.

Alex shakes his head, not looking up from the car as he turns the brake lock on. "Set it on the stool," he instructs, not looking in his direction even Jeff is giving him a "what the hell?" look. "You're looking for a lug wrench,right? It'll be a four way wrench. Find that and come over here."

Jeff exhales softly but he sorts through the tools until he finds what he's looking for and brings it over to Alex. He doesn't hold it out this time and Alex barely glances at him before he comes over to Jeff's other side, pointing out where the lug nutsare on this particular brand.

I hang back near the edge of the bay, watching Jeff switch the tire out as Alex points out how to do things faster or more effectively. Jeff takes the advice in his stride, nodding and asking a couple questions as he works.

Jeff fits the hubcap back in place before he takes a step back from the car, passing the wrench between his hands with a distant smile on his face. "Done." He spins the wrench in his left hand, turning to Alex with a grin. "Gonna add me to the payroll now?"

Alex puts his hand on Jeff's shoulder with a laugh. "Actually, we're looking for new hires right now. You looking to get a job?"

Jeff raises his eyebrows, biting down on his bottom lip in the silence that stretches between the two of them. His stare won't stay on Alex for long and when he looks away, he looks at me. There's something almost questioning in his gaze and I think I know what he's asking but I don't have an answer for him.

It takes him a few seconds of fucking weighted silence but Jeff finally looks back at Alex, simply nodding rather than speaking.

"Well, you're welcome here. I'll work your hours around school and football practice, just like I do for Dash and Keith," Alex says, giving Jeff a smile and another pat on the shoulder.

Jeff swallows hard, scratching the back of his head before he speaks. "S-Season's… um, the season's out for the year. So it's just… school."

Alex nods in response and my chest feels a little lighter at the smile that crosses Jeff's face. "Thanks… I appreciate this a lot more than you know," Jeff says and even though his stare drifts to me again, I can't stop myself from smiling. So maybe I did do the right thing.

My phone rings in my back pocket and I tug the device out, turning away from Alex and Jeff. I don't recognize the number but I answer it anyway, hoping it's not mom's voice I hear on the other end.

"Hello?"

There's a second of rustling on the other end before someone's voice comes on the line. "Hello, is this Dash?" a guy asks and I vaguely recognize the voice but I can't put my finger on who it is.

"Yeah, that's me… who's this?" I ask, propping the phone between my ear and my shoulder.

The guy on the other end of the line exhales out heavily. "It's Jack Fenton – Danny's father? I'm sorry to call you this late but… I can't get a hold of him. I was wondering if you've seen him today?"

Shit. Danny's parents haven't heard from him? I spent my spare at school today with him and he was in English class with me but he didn't mention anything about not going home. What if something happened to him? Fuck… what if Blake happened to him?

I hate myself for where my mind is going. Knowing that Jeff would defend Blake while my mind's all too quick to paint him as the bad guy. I can't help it. He was the bad guy. Maybe not anymore – maybe he's trying to change, I don't fucking know. All I know is that I'm picturing him following Danny and my throat is tight and it's hard to swallow and-

"No, the last time I saw him was at school… He didn't come home afterward?" I ask, my heart already slamming into overdrive before Jack's sigh tells me the answer. "Shit. Okay, uhh… I'm… do you want me to look for him?"

Jack makes a soft noise and I can picture him warring with himself about asking that of me. It's no trouble, Mr. Fenton. You see… he's just as important to me, too.

"That's alright, son. I'm sure he'll be home soon. It's just… his phone keeps going straight to voicemail," Jack says, letting out another sigh. "If think of somewhere he might be, could you give me a call back?"

For a second, I have no fucking clue where he might be but it hits me as 'okay' leaves my mouth. There's only one place Danny could be if he didn't want to be found. But I'm not planning on letting anyone else find him instead. Danny might not want to talk to his parents right now but he has to talk to me. We've seen far too much of each other's shit to push each other away now.

I offer up a brief explanation to Alex when he asks but I don't linger long, immediately leaving the garage and getting into my car. Shivers run through me as I start up my engine and pull out of the lot but I don't think they're entirely from the cold. But I tell myself everything will be okay as I point my car toward the outlook. If I keep telling myself that he's fine, I've gotta believe it at some point, right?


With every road I turn my Mitsubishi down, my heart climbs higher in my throat, telling me it's too late. Telling me that Danny's been found by those government agents and that's why he didn't go home. They've got him. You know they've got him.

I slam the heel of my hand against the steering wheel when the anxiety washes over me, convincing me there's no hope. That I'm wasting my time checking the outlook. Why would he still be there? He's long gone by now. Even if I manage to find where they're holding him, what the fuck makes me think I can save him? I'm nobody's hero.

The pounding of my heart is painful as the outlook comes into view, Danny's Equus bathed in my headlights. He's parked where he always does and the sight causes a somersault in my stomach. My hands, and legs, and everything is shaking as I park my car and climb out of the driver's seat, stepping out into the darkness of the night. Fuck, please still be here.

I let out a shaky breath, slamming my car door shut behind me. My breath hangs in the air as I start through the woods on the other side of the outlook. I've only ever hung out in the clearing with Danny and when I started that fire here, I didn't have to go far. I've never been this deep into these woods but I don't let myself turn back. I keep covering ground even though something in my gut is telling me it's too late.

Someone or something is making noise only a few feet head of me but I can't see a fucking thing in the dark. My hands are shaking as I pull my phone from my pocket but I manage to dial Danny's number. It immediately goes to his voicemail and my heart slams into overdrive as I pick up my pace.

"Danny?" I call out, a cold shiver running through me at the thought that it might not be Danny who answers me. Fuck.

There's rustling up ahead and I break into a run, not stopping to let myself think about what this person might have on them. I don't care if they're a government agent here to kill him or if it's Blake or some random mugger.

Someone is crouched on a small bridge just ahead of me and I quietly make my way toward them. The nervous thrum is rattling around inside of me but I throw myself over the side of the bridge and tackle the crouched figure. I knock them to the ground with my force, a quiet 'oof' spilling from them.

I grab their wrists in my hands and manage to pin their hands above their head, a panting breath leaving me. They struggle underneath me for a second but I'm stronger. "Wh-Who are you? What did you do to Danny?"

They exhale a breath but it comes out in a nervous laugh. "Uhh… h-hi, Dash," Danny says, another short laugh leaving him. It's… Danny? How can this be Danny – he was… I thought…

"What the fuck?" I voice, my breath hanging in the air. The moonlight is coming in tiny slivers through the tops of the trees and I can just barely make out Danny's face as my eyes adjust to the low light. He's got a small smile on his face and when he shifts underneath me, it sends a shiver straight through me.

Danny gives a soft laugh, tinged with nervous energy. "Mind uh… getting off of me?" he asks, shifting underneath me again, reminding me that I'm still sitting on top of him.

I slowly release his wrists from my grip and practically bolt off of him, landing on my ass a few paces from him. He sits up and though I can barely see him in the darkness now, I think he's still smiling. It colors the tone of his voice.

"You wanna tell me what that was about or… just gonna leave me wondering?" he asks, laughing a little in the silence. "Were you trying to scare the shit out of me or something?"

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I don't know how the fuck to say that I thought some government agent had a hold of him and that my grand plan was to tackle them. He'd think I'm a complete idiot.

"Your… dad called me," I say, hesitating a second before I continue. "You weren't answering your phone and he was worried. He called me cause he thought I might know where you'd be. Guess he was right," I mumble, standing up and extending my hand down to Danny to help him up.

I don't know how he sees my hand in the darkness but he takes it and stands up too, our hands lingering on each other's long enough to make me flush. Shit, thank fucking god for the darkness.

"What are you doing out here anyway?" I ask, my voice soft to my own ears. He doesn't say anything for a few seconds and the breath I let out hangs in the air as I take a step away from him. After a moment of hesitation, he leans back against the railing on one side of the bridge.

I lean against the opposite side of the bridge and he lets out a quiet breath, looking up at the sky when the moon starts to peak through the trees, shining a little brighter now. I almost get lost in watching him – the fascination in his features is endless as he stares up at the sky.

"I was just out here practicing." He drops his stare to me again, offering up a small smile as he tilts his head to one side. "Can't exactly do that at home, you know?"

Danny nudges my foot with his and though it still sends a shock through my system, the feeling is nothing compared to what his words do to me.

Practicing? As in...

"I thought you were giving up the phantom thing," I say, feeling the bitterness rise in the back of my throat, almost choking me as I speak. "You change your mind or something?"

He groans softly, pushing away from the railing. "No, I haven't changed my mind. It's just… Dash, there's so much about myself that I still don't know. Who the hell knows what I'm capable of? Cause I sure don't." He puts his hand on my shoulder, making me start with the sudden contact. "I'm just seeing what I can do, okay? I'm not doing the things I was doing as the phantom, alright? I promise."

"What if those government people – those agents – what happens if they come after you? What are you going to do if they get their hands on you again?" I ask, listening to his heavy exhale before I continue. "Danny, I'm… worried about you. After everything that I've seen happen with you and… what you can do, I just… i-it doesn't feel safe."

Danny drops his hand from my shoulder. "It's not your decision to make. It's no one's decision to make, except for mine. And if I want to mess around or figure out what I'm capable of doing now that my body's different, then… that's for me to decide. And right now, I'm just having fun figuring things out."

God, he doesn't get it. I can't see him get hurt again. Not cause of this. Not after how hard I've tried to bury this shit so that they never get their hands on him. I saved him once – when he was covered in blood and shaking and fucking destroying me. I don't know if my heart can take it a second time.

"Danny, I think you should lay low for a while. It hasn't even been a month since we had to get you patched up," I argue, a bite to my tone with the words. "They're probably still looking for you. And the longer that you stay hidden, the better chance you have of escaping this without the government ever finding out who the phantom really is."

"I don't care!" Danny snaps, his words biting and harsh. His anger or frustration or whatever he's been bottling up spills over into his hands and he presses them against my chest, pushing me away. "I can't care anymore. Not about those agents or Blake or anything! My life is mine and maybe whoever's not okay with whatever the hell I'm doing shouldn't be around me at all. No one can control me, Dash. Don't even try. I'm sick and tired of living the way other people want me to."

I catch his wrists in my hands when he moves to place his palms against my chest again. In the moment I meet his gaze, the clouds overhead part just a fraction and a sliver of moonlight casts shadows on the ground but I can see his face now. His tone sounded angry and defensive but his eyes… he can never hide anything from me if I'm looking into his eyes. If our gazes are locked on each other's, Danny's no mystery to me.

"Don't confuse my concern for control," I say softly, watching his shoulders fall. He hangs his head but he doesn't pull away from me. I have an overwhelming urge to tug him against my chest but the words are burning in the back of my throat and if I don't say them now, I never will. "I'm not your parents, looking to protect you because of what you've been through. And I'm not… I'm not Blake either. The only thing I want from you, the only thing I've ever wanted from you is to just be safe. And being alone while you're seeing what you're capable of isn't safe."

He keeps his head down as he pulls away from me and I let him go easily. Because I'm not interested in keeping him somewhere he doesn't want to be. I'll always be at Danny's side as long as he'll let me. Even if he doesn't need me there – even if my concern is unwarranted or unnecessary, he has to understand. I can never forget the day I watched my mom stitch him closed and listened to his pain spilling from him as easily as his blood did.

"I understand why you're afraid for me, but… I'm fine. I promise you, I have this under control," Danny says softly, chancing a look up at me again and offering a half-smile. Like maybe if I see him smiling that I'll have to believe his words. That I'll have to accept that he'll be fine practicing his abilities alone, late at night in some woods somewhere. Fuck that.

Danny calls my name when I turn away from him but I don't turn back to him. I start out of the woods and after a few, tense seconds of silence, I hear him follow after me. He calls my name again but I don't stop until I make it to the clearing.

I turn back to him and there's something about the look on his face that unnerves me. That almost stops me. But what he's doing is dangerous and I can't risk everything on his need for freedom. I've risked so much to get us here – I can't let him throw it away when we have the chance to bury it.

"There's something you should see," I say, as way of explanation before I start for my car.

I open the back door and though it takes me a few seconds to get it loose, the stack of folders Valerie gave me at the party is still right where I left it – wedged between my back seats.

"Come here," I call softly, slamming my car door closed again and taking the folders to the hood of my car. I slide my phone from my pocket and turn on the flashlight function, sifting through the loose papers before I get to some of the pages that scared the shit out of me.

Danny hesitates for a few seconds before he starts for my car, his footsteps light as he nears me. He's got his arms folded over his chest as he nears me but whether that's out of frustration or just to lock in body heat, I don't know. And I don't care.

"Valerie gave me these the night of your party. This is all the information that the government had on phantom. Everything they had on you," I say, aiming the beam of light from my phone so he can see the papers detailing everything the government once had on him.

His eyebrows draw down as he scans the pages and his fingers tremble as he flips through the pages. The information about his blood type and the testing they were doing on it is clearly spelled out for him and a breath is squeezed out of him in surprise.

Silently, Danny looks at me with his eyes wide and his mouth slightly open. For a second, he doesn't say anything but his gaze drops back to the pages and he reads one of them over again before reaching out to flip through the stack.

"What the… th-they had all this on me?" he asks, his voice small with the question. He flips a few more pages again, a pained gasp leaving him. "Whoa… a lot of this information is right. How did they…" He flips the page again, making a small noise as he reads. "Shit, it says here that given the behavior of phantom during certain break-in's, they can only assume that the phantom comes from a family with more than one child?"

Danny turns to look at me again, his eyes still blown wide as he takes it in. "Wh-What the hell, Dash? Those agents… they could have figured out who I am. They… holy shit, what would they have done to me if they'd found out?"

"I don't know," I respond, stepping closer to him until I can put my hand on his shoulder. "But this is everything. Valerie took all of it and destroyed the few copies a couple of the agents had made."

He breathes out a sigh of relief but he doesn't look this is bring him any kind of relief. His hands are still shaking as he flips through the papers again. "I don't… t-tell her thank you for me?" he asks, his voice barely above a whisper as he turns to look at me.

I nod and his shoulders relax. And for a moment – for a single moment – everything's okay. Everything's fine and Danny's okay and I'm happy. But in the space between when I draw in a breath and when I exhale it out, that moment is destroyed.

"Since they don't have this information anymore, they'll never figure out who the phantom really is so… I guess practicing will be fine," Danny says with a smile, barely glancing my way before he's gathering up the papers. "Seriously this is… a lot. Really, tell Valerie thank you, okay?"

My breath comes out in a rush and a tumble of swears that has Danny looking at me with a raised eyebrow. Like he doesn't understand what has me so twisted up inside, it's squeezing far too many 'fuck's out.

"Are you kidding me?" I ask with too much bite to my tone.

Before I even realize what I'm doing, I've cut off the flashlight on my phone and put my hands on Danny's shoulders. My breath hangs in the air between us and my fingers are trembling with every second that passes between us in silence.

"Danny, this is everything they had on you. This is a chance to start over – to leave this stuff in the past. At least for now it is. And if you fly under the radar for long enough, you might leave this town behind and never have to worry about them coming after you," I tell him, hardly believing the shit that's coming out of my mouth. Odds are, these agents will never stop looking for the phantom. But as long as they don't believe it's Danny anymore, he'll get out of this alive.

He puts his hands on my hips, his touch like lightning against my skin. "Relax, okay? I'm not planning on walking into the government office and announcing that I'm the phantom. But I also don't want to live my life constantly afraid, Dash. If this-" he turns his head away from me and gestures to the papers and files spread across the hood of my car. "Is truly everything they had on the phantom then… I have no reason to worry. I have all of their information about me now. Without these files, they'll be chasing after nothing more than smoke."

My hands slide from his shoulders as my heart sinks deeper into my gut. He doesn't care. After everything I did for him – after how hard I fought to save him, he doesn't care. Danny's still going to do what he wants because… because that's who he is. He refuses to let things scare him into silence while I'm all too willing to sew my own mouth closed if it meant keeping him safe. Fuck, Danny, why can't you just let me keep you safe?

"I promised Valerie that you were going to end this. And I begged her to help me get rid of everything that tied you to the phantom." I take a step back from Danny, my gut burning with every word I say to him. "But if you want to throw it all away because you're curious about what else you can do then… be my guest. I won't stop you." Even if it's killing me.

Danny doesn't say anything as I turn away from him and he watches in silence as I gather up the pages spread across the hood of my Mitsubishi. When everything's gathered into two neat piles, I stack them together and hold them out toward Danny.

"Here. You can decide what you want to do with them. Keep them locked away in your closet or under your bed – or hell. Fucking burn them if that's what you want to do, just… here." I press the stack against his chest and he wraps his arms around it, glancing up at me with the movement.

I step back from him, exhaling out heavily. I don't want to leave him like this. I don't want to be angry with him cause I get it – it's his life. But would it kill him to just let it go? To leave this shit behind and not try anything until he's safely out of Amity Park?

"Alex is expecting me home so… I need to go," I say, turning away from him before he has the chance to say anything. He doesn't try to stop me as I get into the driver's seat and slam the door closed and I try to pretend that it doesn't sting the way it does.

I don't expect Danny to ask me to stay with him or to tell me that he wants me around but fuck, it'd be nice if he said something to me instead of leaving me with the taste of silence on my tongue.


Alex and Kendra are just sitting down to eat when I show up and though everything in my bones is telling me to just leave and stay with Kwan for the night, I join them at the table. And I know the both of them can see the tension in my movements.

Kendra makes small talk about work and asks me about school a few times but it's all surface shit. And for once in my fucking life, I want something deeper than a conversation that only lasts long enough to say that my day was fine.

The two of them look at me when I set my fork down but I don't look up. I keep my gaze on the table as I drop my hands into my lap, everything in my body telling me that if I start talking now, I'll never shut up. But I can't bring myself to keep quiet again.

"How do you look out for someone that won't look out for themselves?" I ask, not waiting for an answer – I don't really care if I get one or not. "How are you supposed to let somebody make their own mistakes when you know they're going to get hurt?"

I'm tired of feeling the worry and fear burn through me like I'm on fire. But I can't control Danny. Everyone he's ever known has tried to control him in some way and I can't be that person to him. I have to just be his friend. Even if I know that not standing in his way when he does this is a mistake, I have to do it. No matter how much it fucking burns.

Alex shifts next to me and lets out a quiet breath. "What's going on?"

I'd tell you if I could, Alex. Hell – for a second, I think I can tell him. Cause it's just Alex, it's not like he'd tell anyone. But this is Danny's secret and I already broke my promise not to tell anyone once already. Even though it was to protect him, I still told Valerie the truth. I can't break his trust again.

"I'm watching someone make a mistake that I've tried to warn them about and… there's nothing more I can do. If I try to intervene they'll hate me. But every fucking day that I don't, I hate myself," I practically spit, the fear spiking through me as I curl my hands into fists in my lap. Fuck, I hate this.

Silence descends in the room again and I can taste it on the back of my tongue. Its underlying bitterness is something I won't forget easily. Whether I'm talking to my friends or Danny or even Alex, silence is the only thing I'll ever have. Cause I can never just spill the fucking truth.

"What are you talking about? Who's making a mistake?" Alex asks and the breath I let out doesn't go unnoticed.

I keep my gaze fixated on the table, trying to guess how fast I can make it from the table to the front door before either of them stop me. God, would they even try to stop me? Should I be on my own while I try to process this?

"I think… that you have to let people make their own mistakes," Kendra says softly, drawing my attention and my gaze. For a fleeting moment, I lift my stare from Alex's kitchen table and I look up at her instead.

Kendra holds my gaze in silence for a few seconds before she continues. "We all want to save someone, Dash. But in the end… it's their life. And they have a right to mess up and make as many mistakes as they want to. If you've tried talking to them, tried to get them to see things your way… there's nothing more you can do. You just have to let them make their own mistakes."

Fuck. I hate that she makes sense. I hate that I can see her point. I hate that she's making me rethink my stance on this. I've told myself a million times before – this is his life. And I have no fucking right to come barging in and tell him what he should be doing with it. But god-fucking-dammit, I can't save him again. I can't hear the tremble in his voice when he calls me in the middle of the fucking night and I can't feel the way the terror will rip through me when I find him covered in blood and I can't-

"What if the thing I'm trying to save him from… what if it could kill him? Would you still tell me to let him make his own mistakes?" I ask, watching the way Kendra's expression shifts. Her eyebrows draw down and for just a single second, her eyes dart toward Alex. Her gaze doesn't linger but so much is said in that one look. Why is she scared for Alex the way I'm scared for Danny?

Alex doesn't sink into the silence the way that Kendra does. His gaze flicks between us for a second before he decides that he can't stand the quiet the way that I can. I guess he's not used to weathering a silent storm when for me – it's all I've known my whole life.

"Dash, if you know somebody that's going to do something stupid – something that could get them killed, you need to tell someone. Call their parents or tell someone that can take care of them – don't shoulder this alone," he says, his expression dead serious when I look back at him. "I mean it, you'll blame yourself if something happens to them. And I'm not watching that happen."

I grit my teeth, the pounding of my heart all I can focus on as I spit it out. "I'll blame myself anyway. It's Danny." I don't look at either Alex or Kendra as I say it. "There's no stopping him when he has his mind made up. Trust me. Telling someone is the last thing that would work."

Alex glances at Kendra for a split second before he turns to look at me, reaching across the table to place his hand on my shoulder. "Dash, I know that you've probably promised to keep whatever this is quiet but… if you think he could get seriously hurt, you need to tell someone."

How can I tell anyone the truth? How am I supposed to find the strength in my lungs to say what Danny's doing? What he's been doing. How do I tell Alex – or anyone – that Danny is the person that the police and the government have been searching for?

Kendra seems to get something from my expression that Alex doesn't and she reaches across the table to put her hand on mine. "It's okay if you don't want to tell us anything. But I think what Alex is trying to say is that… if you're worried about his safety, then you should tell someone that can help him. But you don't have to tell anyone that you don't want to know."

Alex waits a beat before he starts to talk again, telling me that I need to at least talk to his parents, but Kendra stops him with just a look and he falls silent. They share a glance before she shifts her gaze back to mine and all the breath leaves my lungs in a single instant.

"I can't tell anyone. I think… Fuck, I know he can take care of himself, I'm just…" I'm paranoid. I'm constantly over-thinking. I'm always worrying about those fucking government agents. About them getting their hands on Danny and completely undoing him. Fucking him up beyond repair, destroying his-

My phone vibrates softly against the table and I swipe the device off the table before either Kendra or Alex can read the contact. I already know who's texting me.

From: Danny

I think you're right… I just overheard my parents talking

My mom said that the you-know-what is having to start completely from scratch with information and solid proof

They're still looking for who stole that stuff from them…

Maybe this is my chance to lay low

The breath I let out is shaky and I even though I don't want to look at either Kendra or Alex, I force myself to. Cause I don't want to pretend like this doesn't hurt and burn the way that it does. Even if Danny really does leave this behind, the memory of his blood soaking into my own clothing as I held him down so my mom could stitch him up… it'll hurt forever.

"I'm gonna figure out what to do but… thanks for listening," I say, pushing away from the table and standing up from my chair. "I need to write my final paper for English class cause it's due tomorrow and I've been procrastinating on it so…"

Alex nods, releasing me from the awkward silence, and I quickly take my exit, moving into the living room. I get my laptop from its bag along with my earphones and sink down on end of the couch, typing out my response to Danny while I wait for my computer to start up.

He's trying to talk in some kind of makeshift code so I go with it, thinking my wording over carefully before I press send.

To: Danny

I can't watch something happen to you. I was terrified when I found you like that

I don't want to tell you what to do but I can't watch that again.

My computer wakes up and I navigate to open a new document, slipping my earphones into my ears when iTunes loads. I don't know what I feel like listening to so I just hit play on a random playlist Kwan made for me sometime over the summer.

For the final paper of the semester, we're supposed to write about a day we would relive differently if given the chance. Ordinarily, English is my strongest subject and I can fly through a paper in less than hour. But I've been procrastinating on this one pretty hard cause I have no fucking clue how to write it.

My fingers tap out sentences that I ultimately delete and I turn my music up louder, leaning my head back on the couch to stare up at the ceiling. How do I write a stupid paper when I'm supposed to be convincing Danny not to risk his life the way he's so ready to?

The music pumping through my earphones is enough to distract me from the way my heart has begun to ache at just the thought of Danny and I let it push me into writing. I type the same few words over and over again, always backspacing them – trying to find a better way to phrase things – and it hits home pretty fucking hard.

English has always been my best subject cause it's easy for me to write out the things floating around in my headspace. Saying them out loud is harder. Messier. I never say things the right way – the silences between words tears at my sanity and it makes the tension in my gut coil higher into my throat. I hate trying to say the things that I need to. Writing everything out is so much easier.

My phone vibrates softly on the couch cushion next to me and I dial down the volume on my music, reading Danny's response twice before I'm able to breathe right.

From: Danny

I know. And I'm sorry that I ever put you through that. I can't promise that I'll forever stay away from this but for now, I will. You were right, this is a chance for me to start over and lay low for a while

I run a hand through my hair, struggling to respond when I know the words are inside of me. They're trapped somewhere between the memory of his blood-soaked hand in mine and the feeling in my chest every time I look at him. Fuck.

My fingers tremble far too many times as I try to respond to him so I set my phone down, trying to focus on the music instead. I let it shake the tension out of me as much as possible before I start to type again. But the words flowing from me aren't for Danny. They're for this paper that I spent far too long procrastinating on. English is my best subject. And this topic is more than easy for me to write about.

A day I would relive differently. Danny's the only thing that comes to mind. And I think of all those nights ago on that beach, hours from Amity Park. When I could have pressed my lips to his and made him mine. I don't think it would have worked – I'm just a shadow of the guy that was there that night on the beach, and Danny… god, I've know him so much better now. I know his strength and his heartaches. I want to have already kissed him by now but at the same time… I think it's better this way. I don't know what that me would have done in the days after I pressed my lips to his.

I'm halfway through the fourth page of this paper when my phone vibrates again. I tap out the rest of my sentence before I check the text Danny's sent me.

From: Danny

So… how mad at me are you?

I don't know if mad is the right word. I'm scared for him. Frustrated that he wasn't listening to me. Worried out of my mind that something's gonna happen to him and this time, my mom won't be able to fix him. I'm not mad at Danny. I'm just terrified.

To: Danny

Not too mad that a cup of coffee tomorrow won't smooth things over

From: Danny

Got it

I'll get you the grande size

I snort, slouching down further on the couch as I type my response back.

To: Danny

Wow, you know how to apologize

From: Danny

Duh

Also, it's the last few days of finals

Gotta keep our energy up!

I try to bite back the smile I can feel tugging at my mouth but it's useless cause it's him. I can't stop grinning cause his enthusiasm is infectious. Because texting him makes me happy. Because I'm so stupidly in fucking love with him.


Everyone's ready for school to be out for the holidays. All the teachers are checking the clocks every few minutes and most of my classmates can barely sit still. Even Kwan is practically vibrating next to me, waiting for the bell to ring.

There's only one more class to get through today and though I haven't been stir crazy since this morning like my friends have been, I'm starting to feel it too. The bite to the air is in full force and a few snow flurries were falling this morning on my drive to school. It wasn't enough to stick but there's still a chance of Amity Park seeing a white Christmas.

When the bell rings, everyone's bolting for the door and I feel my own excitement rush through me again. Today's the last day of school and then it's only a few days until Christmas. This time last year, I was dreading the end of the semester cause I didn't have much to go home to. Mom was still with me but dad always brings a special brand of hell around the holidays.

But this year is gonna be different. I'm not spending time with dad, I'll be with Alex instead. And his entire family. Which… I'm still unsure of. I know it'll probably be awkward as hell at first but I'm hoping that given enough time, everyone will just forget that I'm the kid Alex is looking out for cause my family's pretty crap at the moment.

"My dudes," Jeff calls from where he's standing in front of his locker as soon as Kwan and I step out into the hall. Jeff's waving his arms back and forth to get our attention. "Bitches, get over here!"

Kwan looks at me with a grin that I easily return before we start down the hallway together. Jeff leans against the locker next to his open one, a wide grin on his face as we come to a stop in front of him.

"Dale's having his annual New Years Eve party and I wanted to remind you that you both owe him and the party goers a case of beer for last year," he says, his grin quickly turning into a laugh. "And don't even try to tell me that you don't remember about making off with two cases of beer that night… we have proof."

I smirk, leaning against the locker next to him as I cross my arms over my chest. "Really? Well how about the year before that? As I recall, you were the one that ended up taking off with half the liquor table in the back of your car and the other half in your stomach."

Jeff roll his eyes. "That wasn't me and you know it. Stop trying to weasel out of this. You guys are bringing a case of beer to his party. Both of you," he says, looking Kwan's way again.

"Dash Baxter, please report to the administration office. Dash Baxter, to the administration office," the overhead speaker crackles above us and Jeff glances up at the sound.

He looks back at me with a grin. "Saved by the bell, I guess," he says, leaning over to backhand me on the shoulder. "Get out of here before I make you bring two cases of beer to Dale's party."

I laugh at Jeff's stupid joke and give Kwan a fist bump when he holds his hand out for one. "See you. Try to get Jeff to power down, huh?" I suggest, grinning when Jeff flips me off. "Good luck though."

Kwan grins in response and waves me off before I start down the hall. My thoughts are probably way too overconfident but I can't help imagining that Coach is the one calling me from the administration building. And that his call has something to do with more colleges that are interested in me. I still don't know why any of these colleges want to take on a pretty fucked-up quarterback from a small ass town in the middle of nowhere but… who am I to argue?


Coach isn't standing in the administration building when I get there and I glance around the office before I approach the desk where the secretary is. She barely glances up from her computer screen before she's back to typing.

"Dash Baxter?" she asks. Her gaze drifts back down to her computer when I nod and she continues to type. "First room on the right, someone's waiting for you."

Last time that Coach called me to the admin building, he was waiting out in the lobby but we ended up talking inside a room. Since he's already in the room, I've got a sinking feeling in my gut that's telling me this is bad news. Last time, Coach was waiting around cause he was excited to see me. Excited to tell me about the opportunities I have. But… if he's not waiting around out here, maybe it's cause this time, it's not good news.

I stop in front of the room and I draw in a deep breath before I turn the handle and push the door open.

My heart doesn't just skip a beat when I see who's waiting for me on the other side of the door. It almost fucking stops. And my breath doesn't just stick in my throat. It clings to the walls of my lungs and hurts on the way out. What the fuck is he doing here?

"Dash," dad greets me with a cold stare, his words falling sharply in the silence I've been shocked into.

I start just a little when the door swings shut behind me, the noise startling me. Dad's eyes narrow when he sees my reaction and it immediately makes my fingers start to tremble. Shit. I don't want to do this. Not today.

"H-Hey," I respond, swallowing hard as I shift my weight. "What's um… what's going on?"

I feel myself actually shake when dad steps closer to me – and it doesn't go unnoticed. He glares at me in silence for only a few seconds before he gets even closer. He grabs my upper arm and it makes me wince.

"The phone bill came in this morning. There's a new number you've been calling and texting recently," he practically spits at me, his grip tightening around my arm.

Shit. When I gave my number to Danny, I never thought dad would notice how much I text him. Then again, I never expected to be texting him a lot. Fuck, I gave Danny my number ages ago, why is dad just bringing this up now?

"Uhh… that's uh… a friend of mine. He got a new number recently," I lie in what I hope is a casual way, adding a shrug before a I swallow hard and force myself to continue. "D-Did I go over the limit or something?"

Last I heard about the cell phone bill, everything was fine. We've got unlimited on whatever we want but knowing dad, he could have changed that overnight. Though… something is telling me that this has nothing to do with the actual phone bill.

Dad exhales out a breath that sounds more like a growl to my trained ears and I try to distance myself from the noise. I know better than to get too close to dad when he's about to go off like this. But his grip doesn't loosen and I'm stuck staring as his face turns almost purple from the anger.

"It's not an area code for Amity Park," he snarls in response, his thumb bruising me as he twists his palm across my skin. "I know you've been talking with your mother. And I'm going to give you one more chance to come clean with me. Where is she staying?"

My breath sticks in my throat and there's a split second where I feel like I'm gonna pass out. Cause his grip is too strong and I'm terrified that dad's gonna do his worst to me and no one will find me in time.

"Dad, I…"

I don't know what to say. I can't just give mom up like this. She's fought too long to stay hidden from him. And she's settled in Dryden. She's safe in Dryden. But how long can she hide out from dad? How long did she really expect to keep her location from him?

Dad's not interested in waiting around as I war with myself. He only gives me a few seconds of silence before he makes his move. In one quick motion, he twists my arm behind my back and holds it there, shoving me forward until my chest hits the wall beside the door.

The breath is knocked from me and I guess this must be his new favorite thing. Pinning me against something and holding me there in an attempt to get me talk. Just like he did at the police station on Saturday. And like he did when he chained me to my bed and pressed his gun to my forehead.

"I-If I knew where she was staying, don't you think I would have told you before now?" I ask him, unable to stop the pained groan from leaving me as dad twists my arm up higher on my back. "Come on, why would I want to lie about this? She left me too."

Dad's grip on my arm relaxes just a little and he seems to consider my words. A second of relief courses through my whole body when my arm isn't twisted into such an odd position and my chest is no longer flush with the wall. But just as quickly as that second of relief came, it disappears and dad practically slams me against the wall again.

"You think if you just wait around long enough, your mother's going to take you with her and you two are just gonna live happily ever after?" he demands, his breath hot against the back of my neck as he leans in close to hiss in my ear. "Let me make this very clear, son. There's nowhere in this whole world that you can go where I won't be able to find you."

I drag in a breath that hurts and dad only twists my arm up higher, drawing out another pained whimper from me. I can feel the butt of his gun sticking out from the holster on his hip and it's pressing into my lower back as he leans his body against mine, pushing me even further against the wall.

"You can run away from this town. You can leave the country. You can go hide in a fucking hole if you want. Nothing will get in my way, do you understand me?" dad hisses, his threat causing the panic in me to rise higher and higher until I feel like I'm choking. Until his every word is making me gasp just to drag in oxygen.

Dad growls as he speaks and he practically spits the words at me this time. "You will never escape me, Dash. It's only a matter of time before I find your mother. And if you ever leave this town… it won't be hard to find you either."

He shoves me one final time against the wall before abruptly letting go of me. He leaves the room then, slamming the door closed behind him so hard a picture frame falls from its place on the wall. The frame crashes against the floor and the glass inside shatters upon impact. And I can't blame it. Dad's threats have done to me what the slamming door did to the picture frame. There's no other way to describe it. He always leaves me feeling completely shattered.


It takes me a long fucking time to breathe right again. Even though I leave the administration office before the last bell rings, I don't make it to my English class on time. I end up outside in the hall, pacing in front of a row of lockers, trying to will myself to stop shaking. Everyone's already in their classes and I know that I've got about ten minutes before Lancer will count me as absent. Not that it really fucking matters, it's the last class of the semester. If he assigns anything to be completed over winter break, I can ask Danny or someone else to collect the homework for me.

But fuck, I don't want them to collect it for me. I want to be better than this. I want to be stronger than this. I want this shit with dad to stop fucking with me. I don't want his threats to make me feel like this anymore. I don't want to be fucking panicking in the school hallway cause of him.

It takes me almost the full ten minutes just to calm the fuck down but I manage it. I manage to still my breathing and force my shaking to stop. I think about anything other than dad for as long as I can before I finally stop my pacing and start for my English class.

Lancer pauses writing whatever the fuck he's writing on the blackboard when I open the door and I pull in a breath to keep myself calm. It doesn't matter that he and everyone else in the room is looking at me. Or that Danny's looking at me. I'm fine. Everything is fine.

"Well, Mr. Baxter. Nice of you to join us," Lancer says, glancing at the blackboard again but not writing anything on it. He looks back at me almost immediately and folds his arms over his chest. "What's the excuse this time?"

I swallow hard, the fear spiking high in me. Fuck, I should have just left. "Coach… called me down to his office to talk," I lie, unable to hold Lancer's gaze without completely coming undone. "He said he could write up a pass for me if you need it but… he didn't think it would matter today."

Lancer's quiet and for a split second, I wonder if he knows I'm lying. I picture him crossing over to me and whispering softly that he knows it's my dad. That he knows I'm not okay and that I should wait outside. That he'll call someone if I want him to but that I'm in no state to sit through the last forty minutes of his class. But this is reality and someone picking up that I'm not okay is only something I entertain when I'm alone in my bed. It's never gonna happen in real life.

"Very well. Take a seat," he instructs, using a stick of chalk to gesture toward the open chair beside Danny before he turns back to the board. "Now. In Edgar Allen Poe'spoem The City of Sin he brings up the subject of death in the first line. Can anyone tell me what metaphor he was drawing upon for his opening?"

I feel like some kind of robot as I cross the room over to Danny. He's watching me but I won't meet his gaze. I can't. Cause if I see his eyes and the concern I know is on his face, I won't be able to breathe. I'll asphyxiate on all the things I need to tell him. All the things I need to get out. The things that are killing me.

Lancer calls on someone and when they start to talk, I keep my stare trained on the front of the room. Even when Danny subtly drops a folded note on my desk and even when Dale pokes me in the back with his pencil, I don't look at either of them. I have to keep my focus on no one in particular cause otherwise I'll…. Otherwise I'll…

All eyes are on me as the loud sound of my chair scraping against the floor breaks the previous quiet that was blanketing the room. I barely have time to turn my head away from my desk before whatever the hell I had for lunch comes rushing back up my throat and spews onto the floor beside me.

My chest is heaving and I drag in a breath, trying to keep my hands from shaking as I push my hair off my forehead. The people in the row next to me have abandoned their desks, looking like their next move is attempting to shield themselves with their textbooks.

People around me are talking and I know it's about me but I can't hear what they're saying. None of it makes any sense. And I don't register a thing until I feel Danny's arm around my back, pulling me up from my chair.

Lancer's watching me with concern and I look away from him. Danny says something to him and I think Lancer responds but I barely hear any of it besides something about the nurses office. I want to stop Danny and tell him that I don't belong there – that I haven't come down with the flu or even a cold. I'm just… panicking, I guess? Is this panicking? Or am I just being a huge fucking coward?

Danny doesn't say a word as he practically drags me out of the classroom and I'm not able to speak until we're only a few feet away from the nurse's office. But it hits me where we're going and I pull away from Danny, almost collapsing as I lean my weight against a locker.

"W-Wait," I manage to wheeze out from between my shaking lips, hanging my head as I struggle to catch my breath. I can't do this. I can't go in there and pretend that I'm sick cause of something other than my dad. I don't want to pretend that I've come down with something when in reality, the only thing coursing through my veins is fear.

Danny exhales out, wrapping his arm around my back again and tugging me away from the lockers. I try to argue with him – I try to tell him that I don't want to go to the nurses office but I don't get a chance to. My lungs fill up with everything I've never said and the fear inside chokes me into silence.

"It'll be okay," Danny says, taking a glance in my direction that I can't return. I can't look at him when I'm like this. I don't want him to see what I look like when I'm completely wrecked cause of my dad. Cause he threatened me.

Danny twists the doorknob of the nurses office and uses his shoulder to push the door open, his other arm wrapped around my back. "Come on, you've probably caught something," he says, tugging me into the office.

My breathing sounds strangled to my own ears but Danny doesn't hear it. He's immediately talking to one of the nurses in the room, maybe explaining what happened, maybe talking about what the fucking weather is. I can hear his tone of voice and I know he's talking but his words aren't registering in my mind. Everything around me is just happening and I'm just an observer.

The nurse is talking to Danny, instructing him on something, and he pulls me toward the cot on the other side of the room. As soon as I'm settled on the cot, Danny pulls his arm from around me and turns back to the nurse.

I'm still barely hearing either of them and I can only think about how different this trip to the nurses office is to the last one. Danny was with me last time too but it was different then. I was different then. It was before I knew that Blake throwing that football in his face wasn't an accident. Before I knew the kind of person Danny is. Before I knew that I love him.

The fear is rapidly climbing into my throat again and I press my fist against my lips, leaning forward as I try to catch my breath. Danny's hand on my back is sudden and it drags a surprised noise out of me that makes his eyebrows draw down.

"I'll go find him a bucket," the nurse says, speaking the first words I've been able to understand. She nods when Danny looks up at her again. "And I'll call for Soucie, see if she's left already."

Danny thanks her softly before she leaves and I feel the trembling return completely. It makes the breath I let out sound shaky and I'm not exactly quiet as I drop my head into my hands. Why am I still panicking?

"You okay?" Danny asks, his hand warm on my back. Anchoring me to this moment. He rubs a slow circle against my hoodie and I let myself relax into it. Cause I'm afraid of what I might do if I don't calm the fuck down. I don't want to go back to English class. And I don't want to admit that my dad has shaken me enough to cause this kind of reaction. But I can't pretend that I'm just sick.

I let out a careful breath. A measured breath. Cause I don't know when I'll be able to draw in a deep enough breath to speak again. But I force myself to talk, even when my voice trembles and threatens to break. "I'm not sick. This… I-I'm not sick, Danny. I'm… i-it's hard to… breathe."

Danny's hand stills on my back and he exhales out too. "You can't breathe?" he asks softly, crouching down in front of me. I can only meet his gaze for a few, fleeting seconds but it's enough. I see the understanding dawn on his face and I know he gets it. I'm not that kind of sick, Danny.

"You're having a panic attack," he says it rather than asking and I can only nod. Cause I might be brave enough to kiss his knuckles when we're alone or when he's the one that needs me but… I can't need him. I can't need anyone. It's not fair to drag anyone into my shit again. I've done enough of that my whole life.

The door opens again and Nurse Soucie steps inside, carrying a small basin that I get is for me. I manage to look up at her and though she smiles and her entire demeanor is calming, it's not enough to quiet the screaming in my brain. Her and Danny being here with me is doing nothing to ease the tension that's built up around my heart from everything dad said to me. Everything I need to get out before it eats me alive.

"I understand you're not feeling well. It's rotten luck to catch a cold just before winter break, huh?" Soucie asks, walking over to where I am. She starts to pull on a pair of gloves but stops when Danny puts his hand on her arm.

He speaks softly – like he doesn't want me to hear him – but his every word is burned into my mind. I don't think I'll ever forget hearing the boy I love tell someone else how pathetic I am. How I can't control the way my breath is sticking in my throat and the way ice runs through my veins in the name of fear.

"I think he's having a panic attack," Danny says, casting a glance over his shoulder at me. And this time, I don't have the strength to look away from him. To pretend I'm stronger than this. Braver than this. I'm so tired of being brave.

Soucie's eyebrows are drawn down as she turns back to me and this time, I have to drop my gaze. She nears me again and I shut my eyes, willing myself to stop shaking. To stop making a big deal out of this. To stop panicking. Just stop.

"Dash, can you tell me what's going on?" Soucie asks me, placing a hand on my shoulder. She squeezes my shoulder gently – like if she can just comfort me enough, I'll start to talk. And I wish I could talk. I wish I could tell her and Danny everything. I wish they could both know why I'm so fucked up right now. Why my heart is racing. Why I can't fucking breathe. But I could never find the right words to explain the way fear courses through me like my own blood. The kind of words I need to say stem from strength and bravery and I don't think either exist inside my soul.

I drag in a breath that feels more strangled than it sounds and open my eyes to stare down at the tile floor below me. I don't know how to put it into words. Other than the fact that I can't breathe, the way I'm feeling can't be described. It's not as easy as not breathing. It's so much worse than that. It's like I'm trying to run from something that doesn't exist anymore. Like whatever's been chasing me all my life is gone in this moment and my body can't believe it. It feels like I'm trying my fucking hardest just to survive.

Soucie speaks again, her hand squeezing my shoulder, but I don't hear what she's saying. There's a ringing in my ears and it's drowning out all conscious thought. I duck my head again and twist my fingers in my hair, just trying to focus on dragging in one strangled breath after another. Fuck, I can't do this.

"Do you know if he has a history of an anxiety disorder?" Soucie's asking Danny and though he glances back at me, it's clear from his expression that he doesn't think he should answer that. Cause it's not his shit to talk about. It's mine.

Danny sinks his teeth into his bottom lip and his eyebrows draw down and he looks so fucking worried about me so I give him permission. It's not much more than a simple nod but he gets it. He knows what I mean and he turns back to Soucie, telling her that he doesn't think I've seen a doctor for it but that I've been experiencing symptoms for a few years.

Soucie looks past Danny to see me instead and the frown on her face is laced with concern. "Do you know if he's ever had any kind of treatment for it?"

"No, I don't think he has. Like I said… he hasn't even seen a doctor for it yet," Danny says, glancing over his shoulder at me too. He's biting his lip again and the action would usually make me lose my breath but… there's not much left for me to lose.

A few seconds tick by in silence before Soucie lets out a heavy sigh, her words weighted as she speaks them. "I'll see if I can get a hold of his emergency contact," she says, only glancing my way for a second before Danny's voice drags the attention away from me.

"N-No, he's not…" Danny glances back at me, biting down hard on his bottom lip, before he fixes his gaze on Soucie once more. "His parents aren't… I-I think they're busy right now. You could try his friend, Alex? I don't think he's… as busy."

Soucie gives him a look. "His emergency contact is Alex. And even if it wasn't, I know better than to call either of his parents," she says, her look softening as she shifts her gaze back to mine despite Danny's wide-eyed stare. "If you think I haven't paid attention these past few years, you're mistaken."

Her words shock me. Or… I guess they would if I could feel anything other than this crushing panic running through me. I manage to give the nurse a nod in response but it's not enough for her. The frown lines on her face pull deeper and she shakes her head.

"I'm sorry that there's wasn't more I could have done for you. No one in this town seems to care about this kind of thing and with who your father is… I can't imagine how it's been for you," she says, stepping closer to the cot to put her hand on my knee. "I'm going to call Alex and I'll be back, okay?"

She leaves the room then and the door clicks shut behind her. The silence quickly crawls into the forefront of my mind and I drop my stare down to the floor again. I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't want to be sitting in the nurse's office, struggling to breathe, just cause my dad showed up. God, why do I let him fuck with me this way?

Danny hesitates a second or two before he steps closer to me, his knuckles just barely brushing my kneecap as he reaches for me. "I'm sorry," he says and I have to squeeze my eyes closed as I shake my head. I don't care that he told the nurse about how fucked I am right now. If he hadn't said something to her, she would have assumed I'm sick and though I feel like I'm gonna puke again, I'm not sick anywhere except inside my own head.

"It's… okay. You had to… say something to her," I mumble as I manage to wrench my eyes open only to stare down at the floor again. I don't have the strength to look at Danny just yet and I think he gets that. He more than gets that. God, he knows what this shit feels like but I can't stop thinking that he sees me the way I see myself. Weak. Pathetic. Someone that just can't fucking handle their own shit.

He sinks down on one end of the cot with me, his hip brushing against mine. His touch is almost enough to distract me but the panic swirling in my chest only gives me a second to breathe before it's hammering into me again. Reminding me that no matter how much I want Danny, someone as pathetic as me could never deserve him.

"No, that's not what I'm sorry for," he almost whispers and I turn toward him even though I know there's no hope of meeting his gaze. "I'm sorry for not… realizing what was going on with you. I-I don't know why I didn't see it but when I was helping you get here, I just thought… I-I'm sorry, Dash."

As soon as I left the classroom with Danny, I thought the look on my face would tell him everything but I guess not. It's not like I expect him to look at me and instantly know when I'm more fucked-up than usual. It's not his responsibility to know what's going on with me all the time.

"I don't… expect you to notice," I say, my voice trembling far too many times for me to feign strength. I still can't meet his gaze but he puts his hand on my shoulder and too much comes spilling from me in that moment. "My dad came by. C-Called me to the admin building."

Danny's sharp intake of breath hangs in the air in the silence of the nurses office and there's little I can say or do aside from nod. I almost want to pretend like that's it. Like all he needs to know is that dad came by and it's left me fucked up more than usual. But there's more to this story and if I could ever cough it out of my blackened lungs, I know he would tell me that it's okay. That I don't have to deal with this shit alone. Even if I know that's not true, I'd still let myself believe it during the moment it left his lips.

"Are you okay?" Danny asks suddenly and he lets out a soft noise almost immediately after he speaks. "Stupid question. You wouldn't be here if you were. Can I… do anything to help you?" he asks again, his voice softer this time. Almost like he's afraid I'll break if he speaks too loudly. I might be fragile, Danny but I promise you. Your voice could only ever heal me.

I shake my head, keeping us in silence even though I know he wants me to talk. He's watching me carefully but I still refuse to look up at him. Cause I know even if I could find the strength to meet his gaze, I'd lose it the second I saw his blue eyes. I would see the concern on his face while the only thing he'd get from my expression is my weakness. My inability to handle this.

Danny's quiet for a few minutes that feel more like hours as they tick by and just when he starts to speak, when his soft voice is distracting my heart from the crazy pounding its caught up in, the door opens.

Nurse Soucie steps into the room and Danny looks up at her while I keep my gaze somewhere around her shins. She exhales softly and I can tell she's sharing a look with Danny even though I can't see her face.

"Alex said he'll be here in the next few minutes. I told him he could come here to pick you up," she says, crossing over to me and placing another hand on my shoulder. "You're going to be okay, Dash. I promise."

I know her words are supposed to ignite courage in my veins and apply bandages to my wounds but they don't. They simply fall flat on my ears. I nod anyway, keeping up the pretense that I'm still fixable, and she pulls back from me.

Danny pushes away from the cot and he follows Soucie over the door. The two of them talk softly and though they don't say my name directly, I know they're talking about me. I don't think there's anything else for them to talk about right now. I just wish that they weren't talking about me because of this. Because my dad's come and fucked me up again. Because I'm not enough of a man to just fucking handle my own shit. I always have to drag someone else into helping me. I wish I'd never dragged Danny into this part of my world. I don't want him to see me with bruises on my skin or scars across my heart. He has his own to deal with and he shoulders it all alone. He's made art out of his pain and I can't help but think that I've only ever made a mess of mine.


I can hear Alex down the hall well before he gets to the door and the sound of his voice talking softly with another nurse brings a small smile to my face. At least no matter how many times I end up fucked, Alex'll be there to help me out. Even if he's got better things to do with his time, he still shows up whenever I ask him to.

Nurse Soucie opens the door before he has to knock. He's got a screwed up look on his face when he asks her something. I don't catch what he's saying – he speaks too softly – but when Nurse Soucie nods and gestures toward me, his gaze is instantly on me.

There's a moment of hesitation. Where my lungs twist up around my heart and nearly choke me. But Alex lets out a breath and crosses the room, breaking that tension. Danny's still in the room but he's been hovering by the door with Soucie instead of sitting anywhere near me. I can't understand why that's doing things to my heart.

Alex places his hands on my shoulders and gives me a gentle shake. He doesn't say anything at first, just watching me in silence instead, but he finds his voice after a few seconds.

"What happened?" he asks and I'm surprised at how much worry is ringing in his tone. I've heard Alex sound like this before but it's usually coupled with some layer of anger towards whoever's fucked me up. But I guess without a target to assign his anger to just yet, he's left with only the concern.

I shake my head but not out of refusal to talk and thankfully, Alex gets that. He softly tells me we'll talk in the car before he turns back to Soucie, asking if there's any paperwork that he needs to sign.

Soucie tells him what he needs to do and says that she'll get the paperwork for him. And when she leaves, I make the mistake of looking up. Danny's gaze is on me and my breath sticks in my throat as shame crawls over me. I don't think I want him here anymore. I don't want him to see me like this. Fuck, I don't want anyone to see me like this.

I slide off the cot and Alex looks at me, his eyebrows drawing down. I swallow hard once and drag in two uneven, shaky breaths before I manage to speak. It comes out splintered and pathetic but at least I manage to speak.

"I'm… gonna wait in the car," I mumble, taking a small step toward the door. Alex hesitates for a second but he steps out of my way and Soucie follows suit. The only one that hasn't made a move is Danny. He's stuck in place, staring at me and I can't meet his gaze.

Danny doesn't say a word as I come to a stop in front of him and I can't find my voice either. I swallow hard and nod toward the door just behind him, silently pleading with him to just let me go. To let me slip away with the shame I wear like my own skin. I don't want you to see me like this.

"I'll walk him out," Danny says, his gaze on Alex when I manage to look at him for a fleeting second. All my hopes of escaping with a shred of dignity die right there in that moment and I exhale out heavier than I intended to.

When Danny turns back to me, our gazes meet for a split second and in that second, I know he's seen everything. I know that he understands I'm frustrated cause I don't want anyone to see me like this. Cause I don't want him to know that I'm weak.

His breath hitches as I lean closer to him to open the door and though he steps back, there's still not enough space between us. The electricity I've felt in the air since that night on the beach is sparking in the air and when I meet his gaze, I imagine what it would be like to kiss him. To feel his tongue against mine. His hands in my hair and my arms around his back. Our every touch igniting a flame inside both of us that burns brighter than all the lights in this stupid town.

I leave the nurse's station without another word but not before I catch the expression on Alex's face. He's never been any good at hiding his curiosity with me. I know what he's thinking just from a single look. He's wondering if whatever this is, why he's picking me up before my final class, has something to do with Danny. And I can't decide which is gonna be harder for me to talk about – the shit with dad or the boy I've fallen for utterly and completely.


I didn't get Alex's keys from him so I end up leaning against the side of his car instead of collapsing in the passenger seat like I want to. I keep my fingers knotted tightly in the back of my hair as I struggle to breathe right and to keep myself from completely panicking all over again.

My heart won't quit pounding no matter how many times I tell myself that it's over. That dad's gone. There was a time when that was enough. When being alone with only my thoughts didn't wreck me this way. But that time is long gone and I drag in every hit of oxygen that my lungs can grasp onto, just to keep myself from falling.

I'm standing halfway across the parking lot but I still hear the front door squeak open and I glance up at the sound, expecting Alex to be making his way out of the school. Danny's the one at the top of the stairs and one part of me longs for him to cross the lot over to where I am and hold me. Squeeze me tightly against his chest and whisper words of comfort I desperately need to hear. But the other part of me wants him to just go back inside. Leave me to figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to do from here.

Danny hesitates for a few seconds at the top of the stairs and in those few moments, I manage to drag my stare away from him. I drop my gaze to the gravel beneath my feet instead and will myself to calm down. Try to school myself back into the sort of calm I used to carry with me effortlessly.

I can hear Danny's every footstep as he starts for me but I keep my gaze focused down. Cause I know if I look up at him, I'll lose all ability to keep myself together. I don't want to do that to him. I can't do that to him. He has enough of his own shit to deal with, he sure as hell doesn't need mine.

He comes to a stop in front of me, his hands fiddling with his backpack strap like he's nervous. I don't know why he's nervous right now. I'm the one that's still fucking shaking cause of my fucking dad, not Danny.

"Are you angry at me?" Danny asks suddenly, surprising me enough to look up at him.

I lose the strength in my fingers just a little and I almost let go of the grip on my hair but I manage to catch myself. I shake my head and look away from him, my stare falling at his feet. I'm jealous of how put-together he always looks whenever he's fucked the way I am right now. Of how he can pull himself together while I'm scrambling just to breathe. I hate that he makes this look easy. But how could I ever be angry with him?

"No," my bruised lungs manage to spit at his feet. It's pathetic. It comes out weak. It doesn't sound sincere. But it's all I can manage. It's all I can drag up from the depths of my soul and I just hope it's enough to keep him from running as far away from me as he can. Or fuck, maybe he should run.

Danny exhales softly and his voice trembles as he starts to speak but he still manages to sound better than me. His voice doesn't shake as much as mine would and I hate that he makes this sound easy. "Dash... In the nurse's office…"

I barely look up at him before he continues, painting images in my head of the two of us tangled together just from the words he chooses.

"When you looked at me… It felt like… It was different. You looked at me… differently," he says, practically in a whisper at the end, and I can't help the small part of me that's angry with him in this moment. Of all the times we were alone, all the time spent holding his hand and brushing tears from his face, all the moments when he could have said something – anything – to let me know that he's noticed the way I try so fucking hard to catch his eye… All of those moments and he chooses this one to bring this shit up? Why, Danny? Why now?

He fidgets under my gaze as a thousand things to say cross through my mind. The million things I could tell him that would make him see – that would make him realize just how badly I want him. Just how much I ache for him and how I think of running my hands through his hair and kissing him until he's panting.

"I was panicking," is what comes out instead and I hate the way it sounds. I hate the way it draws Danny's eyebrows down and makes his breath hitch like he expected something different. Something better.

He nods, his throat bobbing as he swallows. "Right," he says softly, just a hint of disappointment in his tone.

I hate this. I hate that he's decided to ask me about this now – when I'm barely able to think straight and my mind can only come up with all the ways this will go wrong. Why would someone so kind want anything to do with me?

"Why now?" slips from me before I can stop myself and I regret it the instant I say it. Because Danny's eyebrows draw down and he shakes his head ever so slightly and it hits me. It fucking hurts but I get it. He doesn't understand the way I feel for him. He never will because… because he doesn't see me that way. He doesn't think about me the way that I do about him and it makes me ache more than I have a right to.

I press myself further back against Alex's car and let out a pent up breath, twisting my fingers around my hair harder than I should. Until it makes my scalp hurt and even then, I dig my fingernails into my skin to keep myself from spilling all of the shit I want to say to Danny. I want to lay it all at his feet and have him decide if I'm worth the trouble or not. I know I'm not but… maybe he'd be kind enough to indulge me for just a little while longer.

"What?" Danny asks, taking a small step toward me and I wish I could respond with one backward. I can't let him get that close to me. I won't be able to stop myself from pressing my mouth to his if the space between us gets any thinner. Stay away, Danny. I'll only drag you down into my hell.

I shake my head, dropping my gaze to the ground as I choke over the words. "My… dad. Why'd he do this shit now?" It's not the question that's pounding in my brain but it's close enough. It's another reason why I'm fucking shaking right now. But it's not the only reason. The other reason belongs to Danny. And how easily he's made me fall for him.

Danny steps closer to me again and mistakes my groan as some need for contact. His hand easily touches my forearm and he tugs one hand of mine away from my scalp. His eyebrows are drawn down when I manage to look up at him and his breath trembles as he speaks.

"I don't know… I-I'm sorry that he's doing this to you again," he says softly, his hand curling around my wrist. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Short of letting me drag you into a kiss that lasts for the rest of my life, no.

I wish there was something I could say. Something that would make him think I was worthy of his time. Of his kiss. But there's no way that this scarred heart of mine could be of worth to him. I'm not the kind of person that people stay with. I'm just the kind of person that people leave.

"No. You can't help me," is what I spit out and it hurts to cough up. It tastes bitter in the back of my throat and I know my words taste the same to Danny. I didn't need his frown to tell me that much. It's obvious in the way his grip tightens around my wrist and how long his hesitation lingers in between us.

The expression Danny wears is telling me that he has more to say – that everything he's thinking of right now is just burning to get out and into the open air – but he doesn't get a chance to speak. And I think that not knowing hurts worse than the truth. I can take the knowledge that you don't want me but… please don't leave me wondering.

We both look at the school when the door opens again and Alex hurries down the stairs, making his way over to me faster than Danny did. The silence is still stagnant between me and Danny but I pull my wrist from his grip and I drop my other hand from where I've been clawing at my scalp.

Danny looks back at me at the loss of contact and when his eyebrows draw downward, I can't help but feel like the expression he wears has nothing to do with me. A fucking million things that either one of us could say just pass in silence between us and I feel it digging into my skin – reminding me why I never should have gotten involved with him in the first fucking place. He deserves better than this. Better than me.

"You ready to go?" Alex asks me when he comes to a stop at the trunk of his Challenger. I don't look back at him as I nod but I watch Danny look at him. They share a look that I don't and I put more distance between myself and the boy I don't deserve.

I rap my knuckles against the car window and nod toward it. "Can you unlock the door?" I ask, finally managing to cast a quick glance toward Alex. His expression is miles past concerned but he nods and immediately crosses over to the driver's side.

As he opens the drivers door and hits the unlock switch, Danny puts his hand on my shoulder and I know what he wants. He needs to make sure that I'm okay. Cause despite all of my fucking shit and despite how much better of a friend he deserves… Danny still cares about me. He still worries about me.

"Be… safe, okay?" Danny says more like a question, without realizing just how much he's asking of me. I can try. But dad made it crystal clear what will happen if I run from this. Run from him. And I don't know how to promise Danny that I'll be safe when I can't predict dad's move or when he'll make it.

I nod anyway, looking away from him again to close my hand around the door handle. Danny's hand is still on my shoulder and when he gives me a little pull, I know he's silently asking for a hug. Maybe for him. Maybe for me. But fuck I can't touch him right now. Because I don't want to hug him like I hug my friends. God, I want to hug him so tightly to my chest that he feels all of my broken pieces and not have it matter. Not have him care. But Danny's not interested in me. He wants to get over Blake and be friends with him and flirt with boys that have it together and god-fucking-dammit, I can't blame him. That's the worst part. I can't blame him.

Danny steps forward when I turn back to look at him and I know he's going in for the hug. He wants the contact maybe to make himself feel better about the state I'm leaving in. But I can't do this.

I tug open the passenger door and swing it open far enough to where it's in between us. Danny stumbles a little in his footing and he glances down at the door before slowly looking up at me with his eyes wide, eyebrows drawn down again.

My throat scratches as I swallow hard and I clear my throat like it'll help me clear the sadness from my chest. But that shit will be there for the rest of my life. If it's not because I can't have Danny, then it'll be there cause of my dad. My mom. Alex, and everyone else that's ever given a fuck about me. Because I'll never be what they need.

"I'll text you later," I mumble to Danny, taking the easy way out like I always fucking do. I feel Danny's gaze on me as I get into the passenger seat of Alex's Challenger and slam the door closed. Alex is staring down at his phone but he looks up when my door closes.

Alex gives me a funny look when I glance his way and his gaze quickly strays to the window. Danny hasn't budged and I almost want to tell him to. Just roll down the window and ask him to just leave me alone long enough to fall the fuck apart over everything.

I drag in a shaky breath and close my eyes, mentally counting the seconds in my head. When I reach ten, I let out a breath and flick my gaze out the passenger window. Danny's disappeared from his spot and when I look over my shoulder out the back windshield, I can see him heading toward the school.

A soft groan escapes me and I lean my head back against the headrest, staring up at the roof of Alex's car. He's silent next to me but I know he's got a fuckton of questions to ask and I don't even know where to start with the answers.

"It's a long story." I run my hand down my face and let out a breath that's a hell of a lot shakier than I thought it'd be. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want dad, or Danny, or anyone to wreck me this way. Fuck, I want to be stronger than this.

Alex stays quiet but he turns the engine on and lets the heat fill the car, almost managing to erase the cold that's been intertwined with my bones since dad showed up here.

I know there's a lot of shit I need to tell Alex but I don't want to talk about any of it. I don't want him to know how fucked I've really been today. But god, I can't take the thought that he's assumed that this is all cause of my stupid feelings for Danny. I promise, my problem might be worth your attention this time.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on or do I need to bribe you with some coffee first?"

That drags a weak smile from the depths of my soul but I let myself enjoy the fleeting happiness that lingers at the edges of my consciousness. I know Alex is concerned about me but he's playing it off – putting it gently. Maybe cause he doesn't know how to say it. Or maybe he's afraid his concern will scare me off like it did the last time he picked me up. From the police station. But the me that was in his car that night and the me that's here now are two different people and while the old me would have run, I don't want to go anywhere now.

"My dad showed up," I say, surprising myself with the strength behind my words. I don't want to talk about this shit and especially not in the middle of the day when I don't have the darkness of night to hide behind – but if I wait any longer, I won't be able to convince myself to talk about it. And I need to get it out of my head.

Alex turns toward me a little more and though I know he's watching me carefully, I don't turn to meet his gaze. I'll lose the strength I've managed to drag up from my splintering bones the moment my eyes meet his. So I keep my gaze forward and force more broken words in between my shaky breaths.

I tell him the whole story. Not just a mere mention of my father the way I did with Danny. I tell Alex everything because I know I can. Because it's easier to pretend that I'm strong with Alex. Cause I know that he'll be there to catch me when I'm not.

For the most part, he stays silent while I talk. There's a few moments where the way he exhales sounds so frustrated and I know it's for me. I know he's frustrated cause of how badly dad's fucked me up. But still. Some sick part of myself imagines that what Alex is actually frustrated with is me. Because I've called him to help me with my shit again.

"J-Just so you know… I didn't tell the nurse to call you," I mumble, finally chancing a look at Alex as I talk, testing the waters just a little.

Alex keeps his stare out the windshield and I hold my breath as his eyebrows draw down. We're both locked into silence somehow and I'm scared to be the one to break it. Am I supposed to keep talking? Keep telling him that I would never pull him away from his day if I wasn't completely wrecked? Fuck, this visit from dad didn't end with me in the hospital… does this even count as being wrecked?

"Dash, you can always call me," Alex says, finally breaking the silence as he turns to look at me. He shakes his head at my lack of response but he continues on effortlessly. "I don't care where you are or what I'm doing. If you need me, I'll always come to you."

My throat feels so fucking tight as I force down a swallow but I manage to steady the breath I exhale out. I don't want him to know that I'm fucked but I don't want to pretend that I didn't hear him. That his words mean nothing. Fuck, his words mean everything to me.

"It's okay when you need me," Alex says, his voice soft on the words and I want to believe him. I ache to know that I'm not pathetic for leaving school early cause of a stupid fucking panic attack. But it is stupid. And pathetic isn't a strong enough word to describe the level I've sunk to today.

"Dash," Alex says more forcefully, placing his hand on my shoulder and I fucking wither. The reality of this fucked up situation comes down on me and it shakes me. Fucks me up. Reminds me how fucking weak I've always been and always will be.

Alex lets out a quiet swear under his breath and squeezes my shoulder, giving me a little shake but I still can't look at him. "It's okay when you need me," he stresses, continuing when I shake my head just a little. "No, don't do this. Don't push me away. You never let yourself need anyone. And I get it, okay? God, I get why you do this. But you can need me. You can always need me. I will always be here for you, no matter what's going on."

Fuck. What did I ever do in my miserable, pathetic life to deserve Alex? To take up so much of his goddamn time? And why the fuck hasn't he gotten sick of me yet? I'm fucking sick of me.

"I-I'm… sorry." I spit broken words from the depths of my soul but Alex doesn't want them. Doesn't want my pathetic apologies. And I can't fucking blame him. I've spent most of my life picking out words of apology for all the times I fuck up but I still fucking suck at saying sorry.

Alex keeps his hand on my shoulder but uses the other one to turn my face back toward him. "You have nothing to apologize for. If I didn't want to help you, I wouldn't be here. But I am here so please… let me help you."

I don't know how to give that part of myself away. I've gotten so used to hiding when I need someone's help and after mom left, I had to learn that I only have myself to rely on. But fuck, Alex has always been here for me. And I want it to be okay that I need him sometimes. That I can't always do this by myself.

"You don't have to be ashamed of this. The things your father has done to you… the life you've grown up knowing – it's made you this way. It's taught you to hide it when you need someone," Alex is saying, his voice barely above a whisper as he cups his hand around my cheek. His thumb brushes over the faint bruise on my cheekbone and he makes a face when I wince. "It doesn't have to stay this way. You're not just a product of your environment. You get to decide where you go from here and you… you can need someone, Dash. You can need me."

I want it to be that simple. I want to just run headfirst into his open arms and have no fucking regrets. But I know the taste of fear on the back of my tongue and it lingers no matter how many times I swallow. No matter how fast I blink. And the fears that slam into me are questions I don't have answers for.

What if I need him too much? What if I'm more than he can handle? What if he changes his mind?

Alex stays quiet when I don't respond and I wonder if he can see it on my face. If how badly I want this shows in my expression and I wonder if he's waiting me out. Trying to see if I'm too scared to admit that I need him so badly I can barely comprehend it. I don't let myself need anyone. Because I've spent too much time picking up the damn pieces of myself when someone lets me down again. I can't risk it. I can't risk losing Alex because I know I'll be too much for him at some point.

"Alex, I…" I trail off, pulling away from him as much as I can in his car, and he retreats too. He pulls back when I do and I can't look at him. I know he's watching me carefully, trying to get what he can from whatever expression is on my face, but I don't meet his gaze. Cause he'd see everything in my eyes and he'd know then that I need him.

"I kept telling myself to give you time," Alex starts, his breath shaky as he exhales and I steal a glance his way. His gaze is focused out the windshield so I let my stare linger, watching the way his chest rises and falls as he drags in a breath. "I convinced myself that you'd come to this decision in your own time. That you'd come to me and tell me that you wanted out. That you wanted somewhere you could call home that you didn't have to share with him."

He practically spits the word and I can feel his anger radiating off of him in waves. It makes his hands shake but he clenches them around the steering wheel. It makes him look stronger. And it fucking looks like me.

"I just kept convincing myself that I was doing the right thing. That by giving you space and keeping the door open, I was giving you the option to come to me when you were ready. But for fuck's sake, Dash, I can't give you any more time," Alex says, turning back to me as he clenches his hands tighter around the wheel.

He catches my eye when I don't look away fast enough and I'm too scared to breathe as I hold his stare. I don't want to think about what he's saying. About how long he waited for me to come to my senses. How am I supposed to come to something I don't fucking have? I was taught to toughen up and take the hits like they were nothing. I wasn't taught to run away from something that has so much fucking control over me.

"I can't let you go home, Dash," Alex says and it fucking kills me when his voice breaks on my name. Like he's been keeping it together long enough to reach this moment. The one where I'm supposed to finally give in and admit that I can't fucking take this anymore. That the shit dad does to me is too much and I'll come stay at Alex's place instead. Not just for a couple of days but for forever. And I'm fucking terrified by how much I want that.

Alex exhales heavily when I look away from him. I can't stop my hands from fucking shaking but I find words laced with the kind of courage that my soul has no right to have. I'm not supposed to be this brave. Or this fucking stupid. But I'm tired of nursing wounds and teaching myself how to take more hits. I don't want to take any more fucking hits.

"I don't want to go home… not for a while," I admit, and though my voice doesn't shake, I do. From the tremble in my fingers as I card them through my hair and the shiver that rocks through me, I know that this is shaking me. Breaking my foundation and tearing down all the walls I've spent so fucking long building. And I don't know what scares me more – the thought of leaving him or the part where I want to.


I spend the rest of the day floating. Just drifting from one place to the next without really thinking about what I'm doing. Alex takes me back to his apartment and though we talk for a little while, I don't remember any of it. When he turns on the television, it gives me an excuse to check out. I silence my phone so I won't get any text messages or notifications and I just stop thinking. Everything that crosses my mind is nothing more than a passing thought and Alex doesn't try to engage me in conversation.

Kendra comes home at half-past five and brings food with her. She picked up some burgers from a fast food place near Alex's apartment and the smell convinces me to leave the couch. I join them at the table and though the conversation is good, it's not enough to drag me out of this funk. Alex says something that makes Kendra laugh at one point and I think I laugh too but I forget it almost as soon as it happens.

I offer to help clean what few dishes have gathered in the sink from earlier in the day but they both turn me down. So I retreat to the couch again and scroll through Facebook on my phone, ignoring the notifications and text messages I've gotten today.

Alex and Kendra are talking quietly as they clean the kitchen up and I have this scratching feeling that I'm the topic of conversation. But I don't bother to listen too closely and eventually, their voices fade from my attention. I keep my eyes glued to my phone and I slip back into the nothingness I've been drifting in for the past couple of hours.


I'm awake later than both Alex and Kendra and I watch TV on mute to pass the time until I can fall asleep. I don't really care what's playing, I just want something to watch so I don't have to think. Which has come to be a frequent habit of mine lately.

A commercial break interrupts my lip-reading of some really strange music video, and I roll over on the couch to grab my phone, the silence finally scratching at me. It's half-past midnight but I'm not surprised to see texts from Danny sent less than ten minutes ago.

He's… actually texted me a lot since this afternoon. I should have responded before now cause his worry is clear in some of these texts but… I didn't have the mental energy to talk to anyone. And I hope that Danny can understand that.

From: Danny

You can text me or call me if you need anything, okay?

I hope you're staying with Alex instead of going home

Are you okay?

Just so you know, panic attacks happen to a lot of people. The statistics for how many people deal with panic attacks is a lot higher than you'd think

You're not alone. That's what I'm trying to get at

If you decide you want someone to talk to about this, you know you can talk to me. But in case you don't want to tell me about it, I know another person that could help you

I don't know how you feel about therapy and I'm not trying to push something on you that you don't want to get involved in. I'm just saying that it's helped me so if you need to talk to a professional about this, I've been there. And I can help you through the process of starting with therapy

Anyway… guess I'm just saying that I'm here for you. Whatever you need, let me know, okay?

When you see this message, can you text me back to let me know you're okay?

I just called Alex cause I was starting to worry. He told me you're okay so don't worry about responding to my earlier text. I'll talk to you tomorrow or something?

Fuck, I really scared him earlier. I should have texted him back before now. Even if all I'd said was something about how out of it I've been feeling all day, I should have replied with something. Cause I've just left him to worry and I hate that I've done that to him of all people. He shouldn't be worrying about me and my shit and yet here is. Doing exactly that. And his most recent text, the one sent only a few minutes ago, is the one that causes my breath to stick in my throat and reminds me that even if Danny has the kindness to care about me, I will still never deserve him.

From: Danny

It's okay to be scared, Dash. I know what it feels like to be afraid and I can promise you right now, you will always come out on the other side of fear stronger than you were before. And if you want someone to walk with you to the other side, I'll be there for you

How does he send a text like that and sum up everythingI've ever wanted to say to him? All the times I thought about saying something to him about how he doesn't have to face his problems alone and he so effortlessly puts together a text message like that one. And I know that the words he's sent me weren't dragged up from the depths of his soul like they would be from mine. Because I'd have to take an hour to write one sentence and he makes a fucking paragraph seem as easy as breathing.

To: Danny

I'm sorry I didn't respond before now. Thank you for all of that. I really appreciate it

It sounds shitty. Or at least like I didn't put in nearly enough effort the way he did. But it's all I could come up with and I'm tired of staring at my screen, trying to write something perfect when it's so fucking obvious that I'll never be able to.

The television is back to playing another weird music video and this time, I unmute the volume, keeping it down low so I don't wake Alex and Kendra. I don't really care about what's playing, I just need something to focus on besides staring at my phone as Danny types his message back to me.

From: Danny

You're still awake?

I look away from my screen for a few seconds, watching the music video again, and when I look back at my phone, our text conversation is covered by an incoming notification. One that's telling me that Danny's calling me.

My hands are sweaty as I tap the answer button and squish my phone in between my shoulder and my ear. "H-Hello?"

Danny exhales out a breath that sounds a lot shakier than I was expecting from him. "Dash," he breathes, his voice quiet on my name and I close my eyes to it. Fuck, I really scared him.

"Hey," I say, my tone just as quiet. I swallow hard, trying to shake out the nervousness and sound strong when I speak but what comes out is a garbled mess of what I'm trying to say. "Sorry… that I didn't… text you back. I'm… I'm okay. Now. I'm okay now."

He's quiet on his end, the only sound letting me know he's still there is his quiet breathing. He doesn't say anything for about a minute and I flick my gaze to the television before Danny's voice pulls me back to him.

"Dash, are you sure?" he whispers and his voice breaking almost breaks me.

The music video that's playing on the television is way too upbeat for the way I'm feeling right now so I turn the volume down a little. I try to remember how to breathe right and Danny's shaky exhale doesn't help.

"I'm fine," I whisper back, my own voice threatening to break too. "I'm sorry that I scared you. I should have responded to your messages before now."

Danny exhales heavily into the receiver. "I don't care about that. I'm just glad you're okay," he responds, his voice shaky as he talks. "I just couldn't stop thinking that you might have done something and I… I-I'm just glad you're okay, Dash."

"Done something?" I ask, running a hand down my face as I drop back onto the couch, staring up at the ceiling again. "You mean like I'd gone home instead of staying with Alex tonight?"

He doesn't say anything and though his quiet gives me a chance to collect myself, it worries me just a little. This silence is too weighted to not be hiding some kind of darkness behind it. And with Danny, I can never tell just how heavy his darkness is until I'm wading through it with him.

"What is it?" I ask when the silence has been scratching at me long enough to make hearing my own heartbeat sound like a drum in my ears.

Danny groans softly. "You're going to think I'm insane."

"I won't," I promise. Whatever Danny's thinking about is a hundred times more normal than the things my mind is coming up with. And even if it's not, I can handle weird. My whole fucking life is weird. I'm crashing on my boss-turned-pseudo-parent's couch for fuck's sake. Whatever he throws at me now can't make things any weirder than they already are.

He exhales before speaking, his voice trembling a little as he starts to talk. "I thought… maybe you might have… done something to yourself. Because dealing with… dealing with panic attacks is hard and I just… I thought you might have tried to find a way out of it."

I don't think I understand what he's saying until another quiet, pained noise escapes him. And I get it then. He's not talking in generalities right now. He's talking from experience. Danny told me once that he tried to kill himself. And all he could think about when I walked away from him earlier is that I might be going home to try the same fucking thing.

"Danny… I-I'm okay," I whisper, almost choking over the words. I don't know how to tell him that I'm not like him. His pain was so much bigger and his problems so much more intense than mine… I don't have the right to ever assume that my pain is enough to push me that far. To push me to that breaking point.

He's quiet again but I don't think his silence is for me. He's probably thinking about what happened then. About how ending his life was all he could think about and I hate that I'm only serving as a reminder. That my pathetic form of pain has stirred these feelings in him.

"I'm sorry. I should have called you," I say, jerking my hand through my hair and twisting my fingers around several strands until it hurts. Until I remember that Danny doesn't deserve this. He should only have his problems to worry about. Not me and mine. "I'm sorry."

"Dash, it's okay," he says back, his voice steadier than it was before. It reminds me that his strength is endless. If I was in his place, I wouldn't be able to breathe right for the rest of my life. But Danny… Danny makes this look easy. He puts his pain away and I envy how effortlessly he manages to turn the conversation away from him. "You're staying with Alex now?"

I'm still reeling from the idea that Danny thought I might try to do what he did. He thought my pain was bad enough for it. Fuck, it's not. The shit that Danny's been through is so much worse than whatever dad or life throws at me. I'm fine.

"Yeah," I mumble, letting go of my hair as I roll over to face the television again. It only serves to unnerve me even more so I find the remote and turn the television off. I stare at the blank screen in silence for a few seconds before I drag in a breath and find the strength to speak again. "He's cool with me staying for a couple days so, I'll be fine."

Danny lets out a breath that holds too much relief for it to just be for me. "Good. I'm glad you won't be alone," he says softly and the tone of his voice almost has me believing that his concern really is just for me. That the only reason he's worried is because it's me. But I know better than that. Danny worries about a lot of people. I'm just one of the many people that he's chosen to care about.

"Are you… planning on staying with him for a while?" Danny asks, his voice soft on the question. Like there's more he wants to ask but he's holding back. I hate that I can't tell if his hesitance is for my sake or his.

"I don't know. I'm staying here for at least a couple days," I respond, a heavy breath leaving me at the thought of what I admitted to Alex earlier in his car. I don't know what to think about the way I feel about it everything but I don't have to make a decision now. I'll… figure it out eventually. "Why? You planning on showing up here unannounced?"

Danny laughs and the sound twists a smile onto my face. At least I can still make him laugh. Even if everything else is fucked, at least I've got this right. Even if I don't know how the fuck to walk away from something that I should have left a long fucking time ago.

"I don't even know where Alex lives. And even if I did, I wouldn't show up without calling you first," Danny says with another laugh that dies almost as soon as it escapes him. "That's not why I was asking. I was hoping… that what happened today… might have given you some room to breathe a-and to think about what you really want."

For one brief second of insanity, I think he's talking about the way I feel for him. About the way my gaze lingered on him when I was with him in the nurse's office earlier. But I blew that off to lead him away from the truth. And he bought it.

"What I want?"

Danny sighs and it sounds nervous to me. But he talks anyway and manages to make his voice sound stronger than I thought he would. "I know this isn't what you want, Dash. And you don't… have to wait until graduation to have what you want. You can… you can have it now. You just have to take it. I know you want it."

I think a small part of myself knows what he's talking about. But I don't usually listen to that part of myself cause it fucking scares me. Danny might be able to easily talk about the things he wants but I can't. I've never been able to. Everything I've ever wanted has always been out of my reach. Something I'll never get to have but they work as lullabies. Things to help ease the constant ache in my chest and the endless scrambling in my brain. It's okay if I want something. But the second I reach for it, I come crashing down so fucking hard. I can't risk that anymore. It hurts too bad when I fall.

"I don't… I-I'm just staying here for a couple days. I'm not… I-I'm fine," I respond, my voice a million times smaller than his. I can't admit the truth – that I've entertained the idea of leaving my dad. Just cause I want it, doesn't mean I get to have it. Just cause I don't want to go home to dad tonight – or any night – doesn't give me the fucking right to think about ending this whole thing. It doesn't mean I'm allowed to think about walking away. About fucking healing.

"I know you want more," Danny breathes, his voice smaller now too – maybe to match mine. Maybe because he's losing strength the longer we talk, just like I am. "Dash, I know what you're going through. Leaving someone that hurts you is really hard."

Fuck. I can't do this. I barely made it through the conversation with Alex. I can't do this. I can't-

"Do you… do you think it'll make me… weak?" I whisper, my heart fucking hammering in my ears. I can't believe I'm talking about this. God, it hurts to breathe. Why the fuck am I talking about this?

I don't know if Danny tried to talk and I just didn't hear him but either way – I talk first. And my voice wavers. My breath catches. My eyes fucking burn from the emotion I can feel fucking choking me but I spit it out. I use what strength I have to claw out my raw, bleeding insides long enough to tell Danny where it hurts.

"If I leave him now… do you think that makes me weak?"

He sucks in a breath that catches the way mine does and I squeeze my eyes closed, trying to forget the way my chest is feeling. The way his voice is just as shaky as mine. I shouldn't be fucking talking to him about this.

"Dash," his voice breaks on my name and I can't think straight, listening to the words he's chosen to say through my stupid fucking phone. "You… have never been weak," he breathes and I don't know if he means what he's saying or if he can hear the panic in my tone and is just trying to keep me calm. It doesn't matter either way. Hearing him say that I'm not weak in his eyes makes breathing a little easier.

I feel weak. Even though he's telling me I'm not, I still feel it. In the way my hands tremble and the way thinking about my dad causes the panic to swell up inside of me and makes my throat feel tight – like I'm about to puke.

"I'm… scared," I whisper, unable to force out anything else. It's all I can really focus on. I want to leave him but I'm so fucking scared. And I don't know how I'm supposed to feel strong when my weakness is constantly at the back of my throat. I'm fucking terrified. And it hurts to admit.

"It's okay," Danny says softly, his voice stronger than mine now. Like he realized one of us had to have strength and courage to make it through this conversation. And right now, that's definitely not me. "I was scared too. But it's a good thing to be afraid. It usually means you're doing something really brave."

His words stir something in me that I have no right to hold inside of my chest. He stirs hope inside of me and years of living with dad has taught me how dangerous that is. Years of listening to him call me weak – pathetic – for not being able to take his hits made me realize that hope is the most dangerous fucking thing I can ever have. And every time that I dare to have a little bit of hope, dad finds it and destroys it. And he leaves me so fucking wrecked… I don't know if I can stomach having my hope torn away again.

"I don't feel brave right now," I whisper, spilling my insecurities at Danny's feet and I beg something that's listening that he doesn't push me away this time. That this isn't the moment he decides that I need him more than he'll ever need me.

"Someone taught me that you never truly realize how brave you're being until it's all over," Danny says, his voice strong but lowered to a whisper again and fuck, I want to believe him. Because I've wanted this for so long. I've fucking always wanted to be free. But I'm scared that the second I reach for it, this will all disappear. And I'll be stuck with dad for the rest of my life.

Danny's quiet as I struggle to breathe and I silently thank him for not pushing me the way I've pushed him so fucking much since I met him. God, thinking about leaving my dad is making my hands shake and my stomach twist like I'm gonna vomit. And I've pushed for answers from Danny when he was feeling this way. When he was feeling worse than this. Why the fuck was I so selfish?

"I'm sorry," I blurt out, already knowing that he won't understand what I'm apologizing for but I continue anyway. "I'm s-so fucking sorry, Danny," I breathe, the hysteria biting at the back of my throat now and I try to drag it out with a few quick breaths but it just makes me feel like I'm panicking. Fuck, I can't panic again.

Danny wastes no time – the second my breath catches on my apology, he's quick to interject, trying to talk me down from this. "Hey, it's okay. I know everything's really messed up right now and I know you're scared but it won't be this way forever. You'll be okay," he promises me, and something about his words makes me want to believe him. I want to sink into the thought that everything will be okay. That I'll be okay. That the way I'm feeling won't last forever. God, this can't last forever.

I drag in a breath that hurts and the tears sting my eyes and god-fucking-dammit, this burns in my chest. Because I want it. I want it so fucking badly and I know that I can try for it now. I'm closer than I've ever fucking been before and I'm terrified. Because everything I've ever wanted has always escaped me before and I don't think I'll live through the aftermath if this does too.

"It's okay," Danny says, his voice working overtime to soothe all my jagged edges. I'm here, okay? I'm right here. And I promise you, it'll be okay. Everything will be okay. And I'll be here until it is."


Even though I can tell he's trying really hard to be quiet, Alex wakes me in the morning as he puts on coffee. I stare up at the ceiling as I listen to him moving around in the kitchen, trying not to think about all the shit running through my head. He tries to quietly creep past the living room and I let my eyes fall closed again when he stops by the end of the couch to see if I'm awake. I'm not ready to talk to anyone so I feign sleep the best I can and he buys it.

When he goes back to his bedroom, I grab my phone from the floor when I hear the shower water start up. I turned my phone on silent last night after Danny's call and I'm not surprised that he's sent me a few texts.

From: Danny

I meant what I said last night. Call me or text me if you want or need to

Hell, just show up at my house, I honestly don't care

Just don't run from this, okay? I'm here. But you've got to do this. And I know you can

Fuck, he's really going for this. He really wants me to make a decision about this. I don't want to think about it long enough to decide because… because I think I already know what I've decided. I think I decided it a long time ago and I've just been too scared to admit it to myself.

I don't know what to text back to Danny. That I appreciate his faith in me? Thanks for not thinking I'm a fucking basket-case? God, how do I tell him thank you for everything he's done and not make it sound like I'm in love with him?

I type a million texts to Danny but I don't send any of them. I don't know how to put into words how much everything he's done means to me. He tried so fucking hard to keep me calm when I was in the nurse's office yesterday. He kept me grounded. Outside of my fucked-up thoughts. And there are no words I can drag up from my broken soul to make him know just how much that's meant to me.

Nothing comes to me and the silence stretches on, scratching at me. Reminding me that I'll never have the right words. That no matter how far I manage to go with Danny, I'll never be able to talk the way he can. I'm not the kind of person that whispers words of comfort – I'm used to hearing them. Danny deserves so much more than a thank you from me and if I could come up with fucking anything, I'd send what few words I could string together to him. But truth is, I don't have those words in me.

Alex's bedroom door opens before I can come up with a response to Danny's text so I click my screen off and drop my phone against my chest. I keep my stare up at the ceiling for a few seconds and I wait for Alex to come by and probably check on me again. But it's Kendra who passes by the living room this time and I turn my head to watch her.

She doesn't notice me as she turns into the kitchen, her attention solely on getting to the coffee pot. Kendra takes down a mug from the cabinet above the coffee pot and she pours herself a cup before she searches for the sugar. It takes her longer than I thought it would to find the sugar and I chalk it up to the exhaustion in her movements.

The coffee pot sputters once or twice and she leans against the counter, only giving half of her attention to stirring her coffee now. She one-handedly scrolls down whatever she's reading on her phone and her other hand continues to stir her coffee.

I watch her from my position on the couch and she adds milk to her coffee in silence before putting the carton back in the fridge. It isn't until she crosses over to the table to set her mug down that she notices me. Her gaze meets mine and though I try to smile at her, all I manage to do is swallow hard. She manages a smile before she crosses the few feet between the kitchen and the couch.

"Hey," she says, sliding her phone into the pocket on the front of her sweatshirt before she sinks down onto the arm of the couch just above my feet. "How'd you sleep?"

I stretch my arms over my head and let out a breath. "Not bad. You?" I ask, trying not to hate myself for the hitch in my breath as I talk.

She keeps that gentle smile on her face, effortlessly drawing in a breath before she speaks, and I envy her just a little for making this conversation seem so easy. "I slept alright. To be honest, I'm still getting used to this town again. Let alone an apartment other than mine," she says, that smile slipping from her face for a moment and though she tries to quickly cover it, it's too late.

I want to ask her about the expression – or maybe just why she's not used to living with Alex when they're so clearly obsessed with each other but… I don't have the right to ask her something like that. If this were Alex, I might. But I barely know Kendra. And I don't think she wants anyone asking her questions like that.

Kendra suddenly turns back to me with that smile back in place and it throws me for a split second. How quickly she's able to disguise her true emotions reminds me of Danny and I don't know how to react as she slips off the arm of the couch.

"Let me grab my coffee and I'll be right back," she says, turning away from me.

I sit up and push the covers off myself, running one hand through my hair. "Um… I can come to table," I say, my breath hitching just a little when she looks back at me. "Cause I could… probably use some coffee too."

She hesitates a second and I try to gauge her reaction. I don't know if she wants me to follow after her or if she'd prefer for me to just leave her alone. I don't know how much Alex has told her about me. Even though I've already given him permission to tell her anything, I don't know if he's acted on that yet. And I don't know if her learning about my tragic backstory over a cup of coffee is the best idea.

"Okay, yeah," Kendra says before I can talk myself out of this and I can only follow after her as she leaves the living room.

I move around inside the kitchen, taking my time as I pour the coffee into a mug and stir in the sugar and cream. It doesn't hit me until I'm putting the milk back into the fridge but my hand is trembling just a little. And I realize just how scared I am of this. Because it's not like when I told Alex about what the fuck my dad does. This is different. I barely know Kendra. And I shouldn't be telling her my fucking tragedy but someone ought to. And even though I told him that it's okay, I don't think Alex will tell her. And it's my shit anyway. I should probably be the one to broach this fucked up situation.

Kendra's scrolling down her newsfeed on Facebook when I pass by her to get to the other side of the table and her attention is quickly pulled from her phone. She clicks the screen off and looks up at me, a smile easily taking over her expression.

"Alex was telling me the other day about how the championship game went," she says, easily turning the conversation to something I'd probably want to talk about. God, is everyone on this planet better at conversations than I am?

I sink down into the chair across from her and let out a breath. "Uhh… yeah? He tell you that we won by a landslide?" I ask, a smile tugging at my mouth at the memory. We lost too many timesto Livermore but at least this year, Amity Park got to be the champion.

Kendra smiles widely then, nodding. "He did, actually. Told me all about how great you were during the game," she says and I duck my head, a blush creeping over my face. Leave it to Alex to talk me up to someone who barely even knows me.

"He acts like it was just me out there on the field," I mumble, taking a small sip of coffee before I glance up at her again with a shrug. "I was just one part of the team."

Knowing that Alex is proud of me – enough to talk me up to Kendra – makes me want to do something to earn that pride. To deserve it. And I think that starts with being brave even when I don't want to be.

"What else… has Alex told you about me?" I ask, dragging my stare up to look at her even though I don't want to. But I need to see her expression so I can gauge what the hell she's thinking.

Kendra hesitates a second or two before she looks up at me and something about the look in her eyes is telling me that she knows where this conversation is headed. I can't tell if she's nervous about talking about the ugly shit of my past that Alex hasn't explained to her or if she just doesn't care about this.

"He hasn't told me much," she says, her voice soft as she talks. There's an uncertainty in her tone and I can't tell what it's for. If it's because she's worried that she's making me talk about this stuff, she's wrong. I have to get it out. And if she thinks that her curiosity is overstepping some invisible boundary, it's not. Alex trusts her. And I trust Alex.

I drop my gaze as I take another sip from my coffee and I allow myself the room to breathe – to figure out how to say it – before I look up at her again. She tilts her head to one side just a little, almost like she's posing a question that she doesn't know how to phrase yet. And I just breathe.

"My home life… is kind of messed up," I start, pushing back the part of myself that's screaming at me to shut up because she doesn't care. It doesn't matter either way. If I'm going to do this – if I'm really going to leave dad – I'll be here for a while. And it's not fair to leave Kendra guessing about what the hell's going on just because I'm too scared to broach the subject.

I lean back in my chair, my stare drifting around the kitchen as I talk. "My dad likes to get his point across by using his fists and my mom… she took off last year. So it's just me and him now and I-" I realize at the last second that I can't talk about the decision I'm still struggling with just yet. "Sometimes it's just… too much. So Alex offered… for me to stay here for a while."

There's so much more I want to say. So many things I want to talk about with this whole messed up situation but it's not her I want to tell these things to. It would take too long to catch her up on everything that's happened since the time I was five. I want to tell someone about the stuff running through my mind and hear them say that it's okay if I want to leave dad. But Kendra's not the person to talk about that stuff with.

Kendra's silent for a few seconds, the look on her face morphing from shock to a quiet understanding. Like she expected this from me all along. Slowly, she reaches her hand across the table and hesitates just a second, looking up at me to gauge my reaction, before she closes her hand around mine. "Dash…" she trails off, shaking her head when I look at her. She drops her stare down to the table, looking torn between what she wants to do and what she thinks I want her to do. I don't expect anything from you. I just had to tell you.

The silence ticks around us for what feels like forever and I watch her every move. The way her shoulders tense as she drags in a breath, her hesitancy to let go of me and how she withdraws as soon as her hand isn't on me.

She looks around the kitchen, a frown taking over her expression, and folds her arms over her chest as a shiver rocks through her. "Alex cares about you a lot," she finally says, meeting my gaze for just a few seconds before she's looking away again. "He doesn't want to see you get hurt anymore. So if this is… however long you can stay – if you want to live here – please do it. Because I don't know if Alex can watch this anymore."

I don't know if I can live it anymore.

Kendra's looking at me expectantly, like she's waiting for me to make my decision right now, but I don't get the chance to tell her that I don't ever want to go back to my dad. I don't get to say it not because my fear chokes me back into silence or because I don't have the rights words in my soul but I don't get the chance to.

"You two better not have taken all the coffee," Alex says, his voice sounding from halfway down the hall and I know it's only a few seconds until he'll come into the kitchen. I don't have time to tell Kendra everything I'm thinking or talk about how I'm aching to walk away from everything I've ever known and make a new life here. But I have time enough for one thing.

I lift my gaze to Kendra's and offer up what small smile I can, speaking the words as easy as breathing this time. "Thank you." For not making this a big deal. Making me feel welcome here. Telling me to leave my dad even when you don't know him – because even you can see how much this is fucking with me.

Kendra smiles back at me and nods before Alex comes around the corner. Her gaze lingers on me for just a few seconds longer before she shifts it to Alex, her smile widening as he stops next to her.

"Enjoying my coffee, huh?" Alex asks, a smirk playing up his features as he leans down to press a kiss to her forehead. She cuts her eyes at him when she pulls her away and the playful nature of the two of them keeps that smile on my face.

I drop my gaze to my coffee again, taking a small sip as the two of them continue to flirt. It's nice not having school now that the holiday's are just around the corner. And it's really nice that I'm not spending my morning nursing bruises and avoiding dad.

Kendra slips from her chair, patting Alex on the shoulder as she passes by and I watch her leave the kitchen as Alex moves over to the coffee pot. He takes down a coffee mug and I let my gaze linger on him, watching his movements in silence. He adds sugar to his mug first before pouring the coffee in and I like the way he makes this look effortless.

I don't know how long he'll hang around here with me until he heads in to work considering he took most of yesterday off to come get me. God, I miss working. I wonder if he'd let me come to garage today and work on at least one car. I miss the smell of gasoline in the air and how much easier it is to breathe when I'm around things I know how to fix instead of trying to fix every broken part of my life.

Alex glances over his shoulder at me and notices me staring. I expect a smile or maybe just a quiet acknowledgement that I've been staring at him but he does neither. He brings his coffee to the table and collapses into the chair that Kendra was just occupying.

In a small distant part of my mind, I can hear the shower water starting up and it causes the breath to stick in my throat just a little. It's just me and Alex and all the things that are choking me – trying desperately to get out of my head this time.

"We should talk about yesterday," Alex says softly, meeting my gaze when I look at him.

I can't hold his stare for long but I nod as I look away from him, silently agreeing to figure this out. In the past, I hated the way that he always wanted to drag this shit out into the light and deal with it. I'm used to shoving it away and forcing myself to stop thinking about it around other people. But I can't do that anymore. I have to deal with this shit once and for all and never look back again. I owe myself that much.

"I know that… you're struggling right now. But I hope you know that… whatever you need, however I can help you, I'm going to be here for you," Alex says, his eyebrows drawing downward when I manage to look at him. "I mean it. Don't think for even a second that something you want or need will be too much for me. I'm here, Dash. I'll always be here."

The part that always scared me the most about leaving was not having anywhere to go. And I should have known better than that. Because no matter how much shit I bring to Alex's doorstep, he's always welcomed me in. Made me feel better. Taken care of me when no one else was here. I should have known better than to ever think that I wouldn't have somewhere to go or someone looking out for me.

"I'm sorry… that it's taken me this long," I say, glancing up at Alex again. He breathes a small sigh of relief and nods for me to continue, thinking that somewhere inside of myself, I have the words I need to say. And if this were a perfect moment, everything I feel would come spilling from me in a single instant and he would understand. He would get why I've waited so long and he would realize that fear has been poured into my bones and shaped my frame for years. But just because I'm clawing up enough strength from the depths of my soul to leave dad doesn't mean that I have the courage just to speak.

Alex gives me another minute to come up with something to say but when it becomes obvious that I have nothing left, he fills the silence instead. "It's okay. This kind of decision doesn't come easily," he says softly and I can only nod, my gaze drifting aimlessly around the kitchen as my mind keeps running.

All those nights. All those times when I should have left dad, I could have come to Alex. He offered for me to move in with him and I said no. Because I was afraid that it would be too much. That it would be selfish for me to get his help with this when I should have realized the truth before now. Even if I don't want him to be, Alex will always be here and ready to help me with anything I ask of him. And I don't know how to say just how grateful I am for his unwavering support.

"I don't know… where I go from here but… I know that I don't want to go back to him," I say, my voice losing strength the longer I talk. Alex stays silent, giving me room to find the words that I know are inside of myself. And after a shaky breath leaves me, I force myself to drag up enough courage to speak again. To say the words that have been burning in my chest since last night – even longer than that if I'm honest with myself. I've wanted this for so long and this is the first time I've been brave enough to reach for it.

Alex holds my gaze when I look up at him and that courage is bubbling up from my chest, feeling closer to hysteria instead of steel-tipped bravery. I still don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I deserve this. All I know is that I want it so bad, I can barely breathe when I think of it. And this time, I think I can actually try for it. I think I can actually have it.

"I want to move out. I don't… ever want to go home to my dad again."


Alex ends up letting me work a couple of hours at the garage after all and I think everyone working with us can tell how fucking happy I am. All this shit isn't over just cause I finally decided that enough is enough but… I'm heading in the right direction for once and I'm so fucking relieved.

Keith and Stephen keep me laughing throughout my shift and when it comes time to clock out, I don't find myself wanting to stick around longer. In the past, this place has been my safe haven but it doesn't have to be today.

Alex asks me to text him when I get back to his apartment and I agree, but I let him know that I'm not heading back just yet. With only a few days to go until Christmas, it's not the best time for me to start picking up the gifts I've been meaning to but hey – better late than never.

I call out to my coworkers and wave to Alex before I leave, the warmth filling up my chest easily pushing back the bite in the air. I can't fight the grin on my face when the radio starts to play holiday music as I'm backing out of the parking lot.

Traffic is a little hectic as I merge onto the main road just past the garage but it thins out as I keep driving. The closer I get to the only mall that Amity Park has, the more I can feel that excitement bubbling up inside me again. I can't wait to just hang out with Alex and his family over the holidays and drink way too much eggnog and just chill out. No school and nothing to worry or stress about. And for the first time… I won't have to deal with dad.

I ease my car to a stop at a red light just before the next turn I need to take and I lean forward to adjust the radio. I don't know what it is about the car sitting next to me that catches my attention but I look toward it and I fucking wish I hadn't.

Dad's sitting in the police cruiser next to me, Chuck in the passenger seat, and I can't breathe as I look away from them. Fuck. Even when I'm trying desperately to keep space between us, he fucking always knows how to show up right where I am. Maybe it's a coincidence – or maybe he's keeping tabs on me. But fuck, why now? When everything just started to feel okay.

I keep my gaze locked on the car in front of me but my skin still prickles when I feel dad's gaze on me. It makes all those horrible things I feel bubble up inside of myself and I can't breathe past the fear sitting in the center of my chest.

My heart jumps and slams into overdrive when dad revs his engine and though I still won't look at him, I can hear him. Everything inside of myself is telling me not to but I glance toward him. He's rolled the passenger window down and is leaning across Chuck, trying to get my attention. His face is so red, anger clearly painted in his expression, and I can't do this. The light turns green and I hit the gas, speeding away from dad before he can try to stop me.

I'm practically fucking hyperventilating as I keep driving and it only gets worse when those flashing lights and siren turn on behind me. Fuck, why is he doing this? Why can't he just let me go?

The police cruiser easily catches up to me and I don't fucking know if I should pull over and get this done with or if I can outrun him. Because it's not an actual cop that's after me for doing something illegal. It's my dad. Chasing me because I'm trying to leave him.

I tap the gas just a little more to stay ahead of him before I ease up to take the turn. And I fucking wish I hadn't.

Dad slams the front of his car into the back of mine so hard my teeth snap together and my forehead hits the wheel. Nerves shoot to life in my veins and I'm shaking as I take the turn faster than I should, my tires squealing against the asphalt. Dad's car is right behind me and though I press the gas pedal, he's faster. The side of his car collides into mine and I keep my grip on the steering wheel despite the way that my car spins nearly out of my control.

Other cars have begun to swerve around us but to them, it just looks like the police chasing somebody down. They have no clue that the person this cop is after shares his own blood and that I've done nothing more than decide that I can't take this anymore.

I keep going, not sure if it's safer to outrun him or stop somewhere. If I don't stop, he might kill me in a fucking car wreck. And if I stop, I know I'll wish he had.

The police cruiser plows into the side of my car again, almost running me off the road. I slam the heel of my hand into the steering wheel, some desperate noise clawing its way out of me as I continue trying to put distance between us. Why the fuck are you doing this to me? Please just let me go.

I don't know if it's because Chuck is in the car with him or if it's because dad finally found a shred of humanity inside of himself but he lets me go. His car stops chasing after me and I keep driving. Past the mall and past everything that would ordinarily distract me from dad and his angry hits. He's done a lot to me and mom in the past but this feels like something entirely different. It feels dangerous. And something is telling me that this is only the beginning.


I can't stop shaking. I've pulled off into a parking lot of some place I don't recognize just to find some way to calm down. I'm trying to control my breathing but nothing's working. I tried fisting my hands in my hair, squeezing my eyes closed and measuring each breath I take, punching my steering wheel until my knuckles bled and telling myself that I'm fine but nothing's working. Nothing's helping. And I can't keep feeling this panic rooted so deeply in my chest that I can't fucking breathe.

My heart knows what to do before my mind has a chance to catch up and by the time I've realized what I'm doing, the line is ringing. I try to tell myself that this doesn't matter. That this isn't worth his time. But he told me to call him if I needed him. And god, I need him now.

"Hello?"

I drag in a staggered breath and let it out just as shakily. The silence is deafening for a few moments until another strangled noise leaves me. My fingers curl around sections of my hair and I tighten my hold until it hurts. Until it grounds me. Reminds me where I am and what I'm doing.

Danny lets out a low breath and seems to understand me better than even I do. "What happened?"

So much. So much has happened, Danny. And I don't know how to tell you a goddamn word of it. Because I'm afraid. Because what just happened was enough to shake me. And I don't know how to stop feeling this way. Please, help me stop feeling this way.

I open my mouth and close it a dozen times but nothing passes over my tongue. I can't think of anything to say that would matter. That would explain to him why I'm like this. Why I'm fucking panicking again and I don't know if I can drag him into this again. I'm not his fucking responsibility and I'm trying to get his help again. Cause I don't know how to do it myself.

"What's going on?" he asks again, his voice softer now. Like he's afraid he'll scare me off. And ordinarily, that thought would be ridiculous. But right now… I think anything could scare me. Because my dad actually tried to run me off the fucking road and I don't know how to handle anything anymore.

The noise I let out is broken. Pathetic. It says far too much and not enough at the same time. It tells Danny I'm hurting. It doesn't tell him why. It says I need him to fix me. It doesn't say how. But god, I need him to fix me. Because I can't think like this. I'm shaking and on the verge of panicking and I fucking hate this. I hate that dad's done this to me again. Just when I thought it was finally going to end.

"M-My… dad…" is all I can breathe out and I know it's not enough. I know I have to keep talking if I want him to understand. But I can't. I don't have the strength to keep going – keep telling him what dad's done to me. And suddenly the space in my car isn't enough anymore. It's choking me and I know I have to get out.

I drop my keys twice after I take them from the engine but I get out of my car and shove them down into my pockets, willing myself to stop shaking. Stop thinking. I keep one hand clenched around my phone and the other fisted inside of my pocket, my eyes squeezed closed.

"What did he do?" Danny asks softly, in that delicate way only he can. His gentle and careful way of speaking makes it easier to talk about it. It makes me want to tell him. And god I want to tell him. Maybe so I'm not the only person that knows and maybe because I want him to tell me that everything's gonna be okay. Maybe just to hear him whisper words of comfort over the line and maybe because he's the only fucking person in the world that still makes me feel normal even when my world is crumbling around me.

I drag in a breath, almost choking, and the hit of oxygen is dizzying. It makes me sway on my feet and I turn around, catching sight of my car for the first time. Long gouge marks are criss-crossed along the front door and the side of my car, reaching all the way to the tail light. My drivers side mirror has obviously been hit and it's titled at an odd angle. It'll probably twist off at the slightest bit of pressure and I'm scared to touch it.

"Dash," Danny prompts softly.

His voice kickstarts my heart again and I take in a measured breath, willing myself not to give up talking after only a few sentences. Because I need to get this out and I need someone to hear it. I want Danny to hear it.

"My dad… I-I saw him in traffic and I… D-Danny, I can't breathe," I all but whisper, squeezing my eyes closed as I stumble forward several paces, leaning against my car for support. I suck in a strangled breath, a broken noise leaving me in the silence. "H-He… god, he tried to… run me off the fucking road."

Danny's slight gasp doesn't escape my notice but he works quickly to hide it. "Dash… are you okay? Did he cause an accident?" he asks softly, hesitating just a moment to let me breathe before he asks another question. "Do you want me to come get you?"

"No," I choke. I don't need him to come to me and I have no fucking clue if I'm okay. I don't know if I know how to be okay now.

"I'll come get you. Where are you?" he asks, his voice muffled – like he's already on the move. Maybe he's just getting his shoes on or maybe he's already headed out to the car, I can't tell the difference. But I don't want him to come find me. Not like this.

I push my fingers through my hair, a shaky breath leaving me. "N-No, I… I don't want you to. I'm… I'm fine. I just need a minute."

Danny makes a soft noise and exhales out quietly. "Dash… you're hurting," he whispers softly and I can't deny it. I am. I'm hurting. I'm barely breathing. I'm scared out of my fucking mind. And I don't want to deal with this alone.

"Can I come to you? Just for a little while, I promise," I say, begging the universe that he doesn't say no. That he doesn't tell me that Alex needs to come get me or that I shouldn't be driving myself. Cause I don't want to see Alex yet. I want time to process this before I have to talk about it anymore than I already have.

There's garbled noise on Danny's end for a few seconds and I hear the faint sound of keys jingling against each other before his voice comes back on the line. He speaks loud and clear and straight to my heart, reminding me that no matter how low I sink, Danny doesn't give up on me. And I want that to be enough for tonight.

"Yes. You can stay with me as long as you need, Dash."


Every car that passes by me is too close. The traffic makes me wince and I flinch away from every car that merges into my lane. I don't even see them as cars anymore. They're all police cruisers and every driver is my dad.

I can't stop reliving the way his car slammed into mine and how my forehead hit the steering wheel and how fucking terrified I was. Am.

It takes me twice as long to get to Danny's place as it normally does and by the time I pull up to the edge of his grass, the sun is hanging low in the sky and I feel like I've stolen a little bit of calm from the pit of my stomach. My breathing is still wrecked and I'm still shaking but I'm better than I was before. At least… that's what I choose to believe.

Danny's front door opens before I've even turned off my engine and he practically runs out of his house. He's not wearing a coat and his feet are bare but he runs down the length of the driveway to meet me when I open my car door.

He waits until I've stepped out fully before he surges forward, wrapping me in his warm embrace. There's a split second of hesitation on my part and he pulls back just a little. "Are you okay?" he asks, his breath hot against my neck and for once, it's not enough to distract me.

I nod, wrapping my arms around his frame and tugging him closer to me. I squeeze my eyes closed and try to let myself be in this moment. Where his arms are around me and mine around him and we fit and make sense and I pretend that I don't have this fucking fear swirling in my gut.

Danny threads his fingers through my hair, holding me gently. Whispering things I can't hear over the thrumming of my heart and the buzzing in my ears. I can't hear him but I can feel him. And his warm kindness pouring into my cold wounds is jarring. It's painful. But I need it.

"I-I… h-he was… i-it all happened so fast," I breathe, dropping my forehead to rest against his shoulder, my face buried in the crook of his neck.

He doesn't tell me to calm down or that it's over now. He just holds me and sways gently, standing on his toes to tug me down closer to him. His touch is gentle. Patient. Calming. And I don't ever want to leave his arms again. I don't want to go back to the harsh reality I've known my whole life. Where ugly words are spewed at me and where my strength has always been measured by how many hits I can take without falling down.

"I just… told Alex this morning that I want to… th-that I was gonna leave my dad and then he… then he pulls this shit and I can't fucking, I-I can't," I breathe, my hands fisting in the back of Danny's t-shirt as I try to hold on to some piece of sanity that I know I have left in me. But I'm just so fucking terrified.

Danny draws in a careful breath and I feel his chest rise against mine with the action before it falls again as he exhales. His hands have left my hair and he's now running his fingers along my spine, maybe trying to distract me from the pain that's choking me. I don't know if he can. I don't know if there's any way to make me forget about everything that happened today.

I want to say more. I want to have more to say. But I've been so fucking scared since it happened and Danny's here now and he's making it easier. I can breathe better just being in his arms and I want to soak it up. I want every broken part of myself to feel the calm that Danny's trying to pour into me.

"I'm here," he whispers, his fingers trailing higher as he plays with the hair at the nape of my neck. His every touch is gentle, like he's scared of sending me running. But with the way I'm feeling right now, he'll have to push me away to get me to leave.

Danny holds me tighter against him when a shiver rocks through me, mistaking it for my fear again. But I'm not scared. The chill is reaching me through my coat and it's enough to distract me just a little. And it reminds me that Danny's standing out here in a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

I pull away from him and he reluctantly lets me go. His touch lingers on my arms as I pull away from him and he frowns, his gaze sweeping across my face as I stare back at him. For a moment, neither of us say a thing and in the silence, I can feel just how hard my heart is pounding.

"Are you okay?" he asks, his voice barely above a whisper as he stares up at me, a million emotions portrayed in his eyes and in the lines on his face. He's worried about me. He cares about me. Still, despite everything that my mind is focusing on, a small part is wondering if he could ever love me. Not this me – another version of me. The better version. The one that doesn't run when things get tough and isn't terrified out of his mind because of his father.

I nod, dropping my gaze from his face as I put more distance between us even though I ache to let him hold me once more. "Yeah," I say and I don't think it's a lie. I think I am okay. Or at least, I think I will be. Maybe not now. Maybe not for a while. But eventually, I will be.

Danny fits his hand into mine with a heavy sigh and flicks his gaze away from mine. There's a split second of confusion on his face that quickly morphs into some kind of shock or horror.

"Dash, oh my god," he breathes, looking back at me with a shaky expression. His gaze flicks behind me again and a short breath leaves him. "He could have killed you."

It only takes me a few seconds to realize that he's seen my car and I glance over my shoulder to look at it again too. The damage that dad's done stands out in stark contrast to how much I take care of my car. Now that I'm away from dad and the situation is over, I fucking hate him for what he's done. I work so fucking hard to keep this thing in good condition and he fucks with it just cause I'm leaving him.

"God, I'm just glad you're safe," Danny whispers softly, his hand warm in mine as he tugs me forward a few steps. "Come inside? You can stay for a while and have dinner with us."

Fuck, I don't know if I can face his parents right now. I know where their concern for their son comes from now but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. And after what just happened, I don't want anyone watching me carefully. I'll break under that kind of pressure.

"No offense… but I don't think I can hang around your parents right now," I mumble, avoiding Danny's gaze when he looks back at me. I lift one shoulder in a pathetic attempt at explaining before I push words out. "Sorry, I just… don't want to hang out with any adults."

Danny shakes his head when I manage to glance up at him and a smile tugs one corner of his mouth upward. "Unless you count Jazz as one, my house is adult free right now. My parents are out at a science award show. They've been nominated to win an award for their research into ecto-entities," he says with a roll of his eyes. "Yet still have no clue that one's living under their roof."

I don't know what to say but I let him pull me forward another step before I find my footing.

"There is one thing though," Danny says, coming to a stop at the bottom of the steps leading up to his front door. He bites down on his bottom lip and turns back to look at me, his expression worried. "There's someone else over too. A friend of mine is back in town and she's staying at my place for a few days… She'll probably be hanging out with us too, at least for a little while."

He tilts his head to one side, taking a backward step onto the stairs with a soft exhale. "Is that okay?"

His breath hangs in the air as he talks and I watch it instead of him, thinking it over. I don't want to be alone right now. Scratch that, I can't be alone right now. And if Danny likes being around this girl then… I guess I'll get used to it. Because I don't think I can be away from him yet.

"Okay, just don't… don't tell her anything about why I'm here," I say, dropping my gaze from his instantly. I managed to tell Danny that I'm fucked and for a few minutes, I let myself need him. But I don't want anyone else to know that I'm here because of what my dad has done. The way he's got me so fucked up, I can barely breathe.

Danny slides his hand into mine again, squeezing tightly, and nods when I look up at him. "Your secrets are safe with me, Dash," he whispers and I believe him. I believe that this beautiful boy standing in front of me will never tell another soul the things I've told him.

I follow him inside the house and I take my shoes off by the door. He waits with me even though he doesn't have to. I can hear voices coming from further in the house and Danny glances over his shoulder at the sound, giving me a split second to watch him.

His posture is relaxed for the most part but I've become so used to existing in his orbit, I can tell that something's off. He's standing a little straighter, arms crossed over his chest a little tighter, eyebrows drawn down a little further. I know that I'm here because I need him but… what if he needs me too?

"You okay?" I ask, trying to make it casual as I shuffle over to him. I slide my hands into the depths of my pockets even though the only thing I want to do is put my hand on him, make sure that he's okay.

Danny lets out a breath and his shoulders drop as he turns back to me. There's something in his expression that's telling me this is something I'm not gonna like and part of me is scared to know what it is. But I've made it this far with him, no way am I backing out now.

"I'll tell you later," he says softly, uncrossing his arms before he reaches out to brush his hand down my arm – maybe reminding himself that I'm okay. I know he's only doing it because my phone call probably scared the shit out of him. But still, my heart does a pathetic jump when his touch is against my skin and I don't know how he's managed to distract me already.

He takes a small step away from me before he meets my gaze, a smile easing onto his expression. "We were playing a card game if you want to join in… I can convince them to watch a movie or something if you'd rather," he says with a shrug.

I shake my head and follow after him as he starts in the direction of the kitchen. "No, it's fine. What are you playing?"

Danny glances over his shoulder at me and his face turns bright fucking red. "Uhh… you heard of Cards Against Humanity?" he asks, coming to a stop just outside the entrance to the kitchen. I can hear Jazz's voice but I'm focused on the sheepish expression on Danny's face.

"Yeah, I play it with the guys all the time," I respond, tilting my head to one side. "What's the big deal?"

He shakes his head, mumbling, "you'll see" before he steps into the kitchen and I can only follow after him. Jazz is on one side of the kitchen table, leaning forward in her chair as she talks, a wide grin on her face and her attention is on the girl across from her.

I recognize the other girl but I can't place her name. I used to see her hanging around Danny all the time before I knew him but it's been a while and I'm blanking on her name. I remember her dark hair being longer – it was nearly to her shoulders when she was at Casper High. But now it's almost completely buzzed off on one side.

Her gaze shifts from Jazz over to the doorway and she catches sight of me, her pierced brow quirking upward. She runs her tongue along her top teeth and folds her arms over her chest before she nods at me.

"Danny, who's your friend?"

Jazz falls silent and twists in her chair to look at me. A grin lights up her face and she gives a little wave but Danny doesn't have the same reaction. He looks up at me, a sort of hesitation in his movements, and I wonder if it's because of me or because of his friend. Either way, something on his face is telling me that he never planned on letting us meet.

There's a silence that stretches over all of us for a few seconds before Danny closes his eyes and lets out a breath. Just as quickly as the quiet took over the room, he easily fills it, a smile easing back into his expression and his tone.

"Dash," he says with a smile as he opens his eyes and I fucking love the way he says it. Like my name has more weight and meaning to it than it actually does. He glances up at me and his smile is gentle. "Dash, this is my friend-"

"Sam, right?" I guess, interrupting him without really meaning to. I don't know how I remembered her name but it seems to get some kind of surprise out of her which makes me grin for some reason. "You used to go to Casper High, didn't you?"

Her expression darkens but she nods and leans back in her chair. "Yeah, I did. Kudos for remembering the little people, Mr. Quarterback."

Danny sighs and hangs his head just a little as he sinks down into a chair and I think I know why he never wanted me to meet her. Judging from the spite in her tone and the resignation in his expression, I don't think she likes me.

I hesitate only a second longer before I claim the chair beside Danny, my knees brushing his as I settle down. It's not my fault that I didn't know Danny when she was still in Amity Park. I barely talked to anyone save for Kwan and my mom until late last year. I didn't have time to drag anyone else into my hell.

Jazz seems to sense that I don't know how to respond because she gets the focus off that bizarre comment from Sam, turning to me instead with a bright smile. "You ever played this game, Dash?" she asks, gesturing down to the cards spread across the table. "We'll deal you in if you want."

A smile tugs at Danny's expression as he begins to gather up the cards so of course I agree. How could I refuse something that's making him happy? Even if that means I'll have to interact with Sam through the course of the game.

"Yeah, my teammates and I play it all the time," I say, grinning as I turn to look at Jazz. "I have to warn you, I'm pretty damn good though. I have an unbeatable record with the guys."

For the most part, the games I win have to do with the fact that we're usually pretty drunk by the time we play and that Jeff laughs at everything. Even when he's not drunk, Jeff's always the first one of my teammates to crack up at this game.

"Well, I have to warn you that my little brother has a twisted sense of humor when it comes to this game," Jazz says, cutting Danny a sly look that has a smirk appearing on his face despite how he tries to feign innocence.

"Who, me?" he asks, dropping his gaze as he continues to shuffle the white cards.

I reach forward to shuffle the black cards for him but Sam beats me to it. She cuts me a look when I glance up at her and Danny's posture tenses for just a second. In that second, I hate her for doing this to him. What the fuck is her problem with me?

Sam's gaze doesn't leave mine as I lean back in my chair and even though I want to ask her why the fuck she's doing this, I don't. I look away from her first because I don't want to escalate this situation. I don't care if she hates me but I will stop her from fucking with Danny's emotions like this.

Danny takes in another measured breath and lets it out slowly before he looks up at me. I meet his gaze instantly and a touch of relief eases into his expression. I want to reach out and touch him – just to make him feel better, but I don't.

"Jazz is going out to pick up a pizza in just a little while. Do you have a preference?" he asks, setting the white cards down and pushing them toward the middle of the table. He looks toward Sam for a split second before he looks back at me with that same hesitant smile on his face. "These two want ham and pineapple so there's no hope for them. But I'm good with whatever you want."

Jazz flings a scorecard at Danny but he ducks, letting it sail past him. She sticks her tongue out when he looks at her and he laughs softly. "Sorry but your taste is awful, Jazz. Pineapple on pizza? It's so gross."

Danny sticks his tongue out again before looking back at me, raising his eyebrows in question. "So. Pizza?"

"The only pizza I can think about is the fucking amazing one you showed me at the beach," I say and though I grin, I catch the way Sam has tensed just a little. She looks at me, her gaze practically boring holes in the side of my head but I don't pay her more than a second of attention.

I refocus my gaze on Danny, nudging him in the arm with my elbow. "You ruined all other pizza for me, I hope you know."

He laughs and nudges me back gently. "That is definitely not my fault. I had to introduce you to it so someone else can suffer being so far away from that pizzeria the way I do. I don't know why other pizza places don't offer it," he says with a groan despite the smile on his face.

Sam puts the black cards down on the table, harder than necessary, and cuts me another look before she looks at Danny. "Deal us in. Dash is the card czar first – I want to know his sense of humor first so I don't waste my good cards on someone with a stick up their ass."

"Sam," Danny says, meeting her gaze with an irritated sigh. "Dash has a great sense of humor, okay? Chill out."

Jazz looks between Sam and I and seems to get something that I don't. She shoots a sympathetic look my way before she speaks, her gaze drifting over to her brother. "Sam's right though, Danny. He really should be the czar first," she says, glancing my way again. "If you're cool with that."

I'm okay with however they want to play this. The fact that Sam's the one that suggested it makes me want to say no but I nod at Jazz. I don't want to cause some kind of scene just cause this girl doesn't like me. Or hates me more like it.

"O-Okay, then… you'll be up first and then the position of czar will pass to me," Danny says, keeping his gaze on the cards as he deals them. I can tell that what Sam's doing is fucking with him. It's making his fingers tremble and his breath catch occasionally. And I hate it.

I reach for the blackdeck as soon as he's done dealing and I flip over the top card. And as the universe would have it, the card is one that's gonna bring some fucking interesting results. "What ended my last relationship?" I read out, setting the card face up so everyone can see it.

Danny snorts, his gaze flicking over the cards in his hands. "Let's see… the fact that he was a borderline alcoholic who couldn't keep it in his pants isn't in here," he says, glancing up at me at my silence despite Jazz's laugh. He exhales out, nudging his elbow against mine again. "It's a joke, ease up."

His gaze returns to his card and I let my stare drift as I watch Jazz shuffle through her hand too. She reaches for one card before frowning and pulling a different one from her hand. She hesitates a second before putting it back.

Sam slides her card across the table toward me but doesn't make eye contact, surveying her hand as she leans back in her chair. I only watch her for a split second because Jazz adds her card to the pile and just a second later, Danny drops his card too.

He can't stop grinning and I can't help but feel this sort of iridescent giddiness bubbling up inside my chest. I can't place the reason for the feeling exactly but I'm sure it has something to do with the grin on Danny's face and the way he's looking at me right now.

I shuffle the cards around a couple of times before I read out the black card again for dramatic effect before I turn over the first answer. "…Nickelback," I say, snorting just a little before I flip over the next one and nearly choke. "Half-assed foreplay."

Jazz laughs out loud and I glance up at her before I flip over the final card. "And Robert Downey Jr."

I lean back in my chair, letting out a low breath that quickly turns into a laugh. "God, you guys, I don't know." My gaze drifts over the three cards in front of me. Even though the answer nearly made me choke, I have to go with the middle one. I push the card higher than the other three. "Gotta go with my gut. This one."

Danny fucking lights up beside me, a laugh spilling from him. "I knew you'd make the right choice," he says, a wicked grin on his face when I look at him. It takes me a second – and him swiping the white card – for me to realize that I picked his answer. He's the one who threw in the sex card.

"That was yours?" I choke out, watching him in what's probably wide-eyed shock. He laughs a little, a faint blush staining his cheeks as he nods.

He gathers up the cards into a pile and sets them aside before looking back at me. "Surprised?"

Understatement of the fucking year. I'm more than surprised. I'm slightly shocked that Danny would make that kind of joke. Not that… it's not fucking hilarious but… I'm used to playing this game with my teammates. Where jokes like this don't ruin me because I'm not thinking about fucking one of them. I'm in entirely new territory right now and I don't know how to navigate these waters with Danny.

"Just a little. Didn't know you had it in you," I say, flicking my stare up to meet Danny's.

He leans forward, resting his chin in his hand, and bats his eyelashes at me – almost giving me a fucking heart attack.

"There's a lot you don't know about me," he says and I swear, for a single moment, his eyes fucking glow. They're that same green color they were when he told me the truth about the phantom. And the look in his eyes that day scared me but this time… this time it sparks something in my chest and in my mind that can only be described as pure need.

"You're up, Danny," Sam cuts in, meeting my gaze for a second when I look up at her. She quickly looks back to her hand and I look to mine as Danny reaches forward for a black card.

He reads out the prompt quickly and though I look at my hand for any cards I could use, I'm not really seeing what's in front of me. It's been a long time since I've sat around playing this game and just having fun in a long fucking time but… I'm glad I'm here. Even if I have to deal with his friend shooting daggers at me when she thinks I'm not looking and not being able to sit as close to him as I would be if we were alone… I'm really glad that there's more than just the two of us in this moment.


The game continues for a while and we're on the last hand before Jazz is supposed to leave to pick up the pizzas. She called in the order ten minutes ago and Danny's up for reading out the final card.

I've moved my chair closer to his in the time that we've been playing and his shoulder is leaning heavily against my own, electricity practically standing between us. A breezy sort of laugh leaves him as he reaches for one of the cards and I don't think the noise is entirely due to the half-full can of beer he's been sipping on for the past twenty minutes.

He exhales out a breath, grinning just a little as he reads. "What never fails to liven up the party?" A short laugh leaves him as he sets the card down, his shoulder brushing mine again as he settles back into place. "Gimme some good answers, you guys," he says, letting his stare drift across his own set of cards.

I'm still snickering over the answer that won last round – that turned out to be from fucking Jazz of all people. I'm just glancing through my hand for any card that'll keep this laughter going when my breath catches in my throat at what I could throw out there. And I have to mentally talk myself through the merits of going with one in particular. On the one hand… Danny might read too much into this and I could end up accidentally outing myself here but… god, I really want to hear him laugh. And I think this could make him laugh.

I slide my card facedown across the table and Danny glances up with a smile. My heart's pounding in my chest as Sam adds hers to the mix and Jazz follows suit. Danny starts mixing up the cards and the breath I drag in has a sort of dizziness to it.

Danny clears his throat and his eyes scan the question again. "Okay, some things that never fail to liven up the party are," he flips over each card slowly, snorting as he reads. "Sexual Tension. Axe Body Spray. And The Homosexual Agenda," he's cracking up by the time he reaches mine and he covers his face with one hand, the laughter radiating off of him and through all of us too.

I laugh along, electricity vibrating in my chest and through my veins, reminding me that I'm sitting here with the boy my heart has settled upon. And that his shoulder is pressed against mine and that everything about this moment feels good. It feels right.

"Oh my god," he breathes, lifting his hand from his face to read the answers again. "I'm sorry, this one almost got me," he says, pushing the first card out of the way before he slaps his palm down across mine. "Points go to whichever one of you came up with this one."

A breathy laugh leaves me and I sink my teeth into my bottom lip as he glances at me. "Thanks, I thought it was… pretty funny," I mumble, reaching forward to take the black card. I avoid looking toward him cause of the expression on his face but I'm surprised to hear Sam laugh loudly, her expression nothing but pure amusement when I look up at her.

"Nice job, Baxter. We can so rarely make Danny speechless during this game – or any game for that matter," she says with a smirk that fades just a little as she talks. "I guess if I have to lose anyone, you're not such an unworthy opponent."

From the look she's giving me, something's telling me that she's not just talking about the game anymore. And a cold shock runs through me at the look in her eyes when she meets my gaze. Fuck. I think she knows why I put that card down there. Why I'm sitting so closely to Danny and I think that's why she hates me. I think she wants him in the same way I have since that night on the beach.

Danny exhales out quietly, meeting my gaze as amusement reaches his eyes again. "That was good," he says, his expression softening as he looks at me. And for a split-second there's an unbridled curiosity shining in his eyes and I almost choke. Because I think he's wondering why I played that card and if there's a reason behind it other than wanting to make him laugh.

I can't exactly meet his gaze for long and thankfully, his attention is diverted from me when Sam pushes her chair back. She's looking at Jazz when I manage to glance up at her and she jerks a thumb behind her.

"Gimme a second to piss and put my shoes on and I'll ride up there with you. Give you something more interesting to listen to than the radio," she says, a certain note of disgust in her tone.

Sam disappears from the kitchen and Jazz pushes back from the table. I feign needing to stretch my legs and I stand from my chair too, stretching my arms over my head as I walk away from the table just a few paces. My shoulders pop as I stretch them and I groan softly. It's been a while since I've just sat around and done nothing more than play a game. It's almost weird to be doing it now.

Danny slides his phone from his pocket and glances at the screen once before he looks up at Jazz. "Dad says that the event might run past midnight," he says, dropping his gaze after Jazz nods.

I keep my back to Danny after his sister leaves the room and it isn't until I hear his chair scoot across the floor that I turn toward him again. He hesitates a second, standing between the table and me, looking like he wants to close the distance between us in a heartbeat.

We stare at each other in silence for a few seconds until a breath leaves him and he crosses over to me. He doesn't say anything as he takes my hand in his but he doesn't have to. I read the look on his face and I know that the poorly concealed worry has nothing to do with the last card I played. It has everything to do with my car sitting at the edge of his grass, still bearing the marks of dad's possessive nature.

"I'm okay," I promise, even though I'm sure that the memory of today will fuck with me for a lot longer than just tonight. I'll see his car in my dreams for weeks to come and I don't know how well I'll be able to deal with it yet. But I'm stronger than I was before. I can handle this.

Danny exhales out a breath that I didn't realize he'd been holding. And from the way his shoulders relax, I think that breath has been caught in his throat since he met me outside my car and held me close, just to help me stop thinking about dad and all the fucked up shit that happened today.

I don't know where I pull a shred of bravery from but it sparks alive in my chest and directs my hand to brush my knuckles along his cheek. And he fucking leans into my touch and I almost break as his eyes fall closed. I want to kiss him a thousand times and tell him that I'm okay. That I'm way more than okay. And tonight seems like the perfect night to tell him everything – to show him just how long I've wanted him and let that be enough.

But I can't stop my mind from coming up with a million different possibilities of how this would end and I'm stuck thinking about Blake. How easily he came into Danny's life and how badly he wrecked this beautiful boy. And I just don't know if I mean anything more to him than someone to get over his ex-boyfriend with. I want Danny so fucking badly and it'd be a privilege to be used by him. But I don't know if I could get used to being thrown away at the end of the night. I've wanted him for so long but… maybe it's better if I never get a taste. If I never know what I'm missing, it'll be easier to get over him. At least, that's what I choose to believe. I'm afraid my heart will shatter if I let myself believe anything else.


Jazz and Sam try to explain to me and Danny why ham and pineapple is infinitely better than pepperoni pizza but we won't hear it. Even though I don't actually mind their pizza, being on Danny's side in this playful argument reignites that electricity in my veins and I ride it like a fucking high.

I'm busy thinking about Danny, and how I never want to leave this moment, when my phone rings. Danny looks toward me at the noise and I slide my phone from my pocket, an apology spilling from me before I even think about it. My heart jumps just a little at Alex's name across my screen as an incoming call and the barrage of texts from him that I didn't even notice. Shit, he's probably worried about me.

"One sec," I say, pushing my chair back before I answer the call. "Hey, Alex… Sorry, I meant to call you," I mumble, stumbling away from the table. I don't really want to talk in front of everyone so I leave the house, grabbing my shoes before I step out on to the porch. I cradle the phone between my shoulder and my ear as I shove my feet into my shoes, pulling the door closed behind me.

Alex breathes out what sounds like a sigh of relief before his voice is on the line. "Shit, you scared me. I know you said you were going out for a while but I haven't heard from you in a few hours and you weren't returning my texts and I just… god, please don't hate me for assuming the worst had happened."

I can't hate him for assuming the truth. I can't hate him for anything. He's been my rock for a long time now and I should have called him the second that this shit happened with dad. But god, being with Danny today has done so much good for me in just the few hours I've been here. I feel lighter somehow despite the darkness clawing at my mind.

"Actually… s-something did happen," I say, my voice soft as I sink down onto the top step, cradling my phone with one hand. "Just… remember that it's over and that I'm fine as I tell you this, okay? I've been at Danny's place for the past couple of hours and I… I'm okay, alright?"

He holds his breath before he responds, the sound heavy with static on my end. "What happened?"

I don't know how to tell him about earlier without scaring him. But at this point, I've already started. If I stop now, it'll scare him worse than if I just tell him. God, I don't want to do this to him… but he deserves to know. And that's the only reason I start talking at all.

"S-So, I was… on my way to the mall, right? And I saw my dad in traffic and he saw me and he…"

How do I put it into words? How do I tell Alex how dad chased me and ran his car into mine, trying to literally run me off the road? I don't want to scare him but he's asking and I don't want to lie to him. I want him to know the truth so we can figure out how to handle it. Because I'm not alone in this anymore.

"He… chased me. Hit my car a couple of times with his," I say, swallowing hard in the deafening silence that Alex is leaving me in. I exhale out a breath, running a hand down my face. I continue talking cause I don't know what else to do but I don't think I'm making this situation any better. "Yeah, one of my taillight's is totally fucked. And I think he cracked the bumper? So… I'm gonna have to order a new one cause we don't have any for my model in the shop still, do we? And I'm probably gonna need to fix the paint job, the scratches are really bad. But I think I can-"

Alex makes a noise over the line that stops me in the middle of whatever the fuck I was rambling. The sound of his voice is worse than shaky. It's fucking broken and I don't know how to deal with that. Fuck, I knew this would scare him. Maybe I shouldn't have said a fucking word.

"Dash, oh my god. Tell me you're okay, please," he breathes out, fear laced with every word he speaks. And that same fear sparks to life in my own veins. It makes my own breath catch in my throat and I don't know why hearing Alex afraid makes me afraid but… god, I am now.

I drag in a breath that shutters but I speak anyway. "I-I'm okay, I promise," I say, exhaling out heavily in an attempt to shake the fear from my bones. I know it's ingrained in me at this point but… I guess it never hurts to try.

"Are you on your way back here?" he asks softly, in a way that lets me know he's hoping I'll say yes. Maybe he needs to see me in person before he'll believe that I'm okay. And with as much as Alex has done for me in all the time I've known him, I owe it to him to show up when he wants me to.

I lean back, shifting my gaze to the sky above me, as I exhale out a breath. The sun has completely disappeared now and the stars have begun to dot nature's blank canvas overhead. Every tiny star stands out in stark contrast to the blackness surrounding each one and my breath catches when I think about how much Danny loves a view like this one. And my face flushes when I think about loving a view like him.

"Not yet. I'm gonna leave here in just a bit. Gonna… say goodbye to Danny and all," I mumble, dragging my hand through my hair with an embarrassed laugh. "I'll be there soon, alright?"

Alex hesitates on his end for a few seconds until his voice crackles on the line again. "Dash… when you get back here, we should probably talk."

My mind immediately slams into overdrive, joined almost instantly by my heart. I don't know what he wants to talk to me about but those words have never meant anything good. It's the classic way to start a breakup and I can't help but feel like that's what he's trying to do. That he's finally had enough of me. That he's tired of the shit show that is my life. And I can't even fucking blame him, I'm tired of it too. I get it. I fucking get it but I never expected it from Alex and I-

No.

I screw my eyes closed and lean forward again, dropping my head into one hand with a heavy sigh. No. Stop thinking like that. Alex cares about you. He does. You know he does. Stop assuming the worst before you've even fucking asked.

Alex is silent while I let out a controlled breath before drawing one in of equal measure. "About what?" I ask innocently enough, like I wasn't about to have a fucking heart attack at the thought of losing him to all the pressure that comes along with me and my shit.

"A lot of things," he says quietly, hesitating a second before he continues. "There's… a lot I haven't told you, Dash. Things that I should have told you before now and I… I don't think I can wait any longer. I've run out of excuses to keep these things from you and… you deserve to know the truth."

My heart is still pounding and my mind is racing again but it's not of insults hurled at my fragile bones. It's about everything Alex could have to tell me. In the few seconds of silence that pass between us, I imagine up every scenario that would have him talking to me like this. He's tired of hiding things from me but I've never asked him to. He has always accepted me as I am – fuck up's and all. I don't know why he's ever thought I won't do the same.

"Text me when you're leaving, okay? I'll put on some coffee for us and we'll just talk for a while," he says, the soft tone of his voice enough to snap me out of my momentary haze.

I run my hand down my face, letting out a heavy breath. "Uhh, y-yeah. I'll… let you know," I respond, not entirely sure I'm thinking clearly anymore. I don't know what Alex has to tell me but it's important. He's important. Whatever he has to tell me won't change a thing between us but… I'm gonna be there to hear it. I owe him that. I owe him more than that.


Alex tells me to drive safely and then the call has ended and I'm left just staring down at my phone in some weird state of disbelief and confusion. Whatever he has to tell me is important enough to mention over the phone instead of waiting until I'm there. I need to just get in my car and get to him so I can hear it. So he can tell me what's been scratching at him and I can offer up whatever I can to make it better.

The door opens behind me and I glance over my shoulder, half-expecting Danny, but it's Sam who steps out. She's got a pack of cigarettes and a lighter clutched in one hand, her phone in the other. She offers up a nod before she heads for the railing around Danny's front porch.

I watch her drop her phone onto the railing before she tries to light her cigarette. The lighter catches three times before her cigarette lights and she breathes in a lungful of the smoke. She drops the lighter and pack of cigarettes beside her phone before she leans her forearms against the railing, exhaling out a cloud of smoke.

A second or two ticks by in silence as I watch her before I push myself up from the steps. I take them up to his front door, my gaze focused downward. My hand closes around the door knob before Sam calls my name.

She has her back to me when I turn around and she takes in another drag off her cigarette, the orange tip glowing brightly in the dusk. She blows out another mouthful of smoke before she glances over her shoulder, nodding toward the space beside her.

"Give a girl some company, huh?" she asks, turning around again without waiting for a response.

My fingers tighten around the doorknob and though I want to go inside and tell Danny goodbye so I can be with Alex, I find myself moving over to the railing instead. Just to give a girl who hates my guts some company. Cause that's apparently the kind of person I am.

Sam smiles just a little as I join her and I lean my forearms against the railing too, looking out into Danny's front yard. It's too dark now to really see the damage that dad has done to my car but I know my car well enough to tell that the side mirror is fucked up.

"I really wanted to hate you, you know," Sam says, keeping her gaze forward even when I glance at her. She nods at nothing in particular, taking a long drag on her cigarette before she exhales out the smoke again. "Every time that Danny talked about you, that hatred toward you just kept growing. Danny never listened to the reasons why you were a bad idea for him to hang around. I've been trying to talk him out of being friends with you for months but he never listened to me. And then you showed up tonight and I hated you even more because I had to act like it didn't matter. I had to stow the way I was feeling because Danny's my best friend. Which meant I'd have to put up with you."

I push away from the railing with a sigh. "Thanks. As much as I want to stand here and listen to you list all the reasons why I'm a horrible friend and apparently a bad influence on him, I gotta be somewhere."

"I know you love him," Sam says and I stop only one step away from her. The same rush of fear floods my veins again at the realization that his friend knows the way I feel for him. But just as quickly as that fear reared up inside of myself, it disappears again. Cause I don't think I care anymore who knows and who doesn't. I l love him. Of course I love him.

The breath I exhale out hangs in the air the way her smoke does and I watch it curl higher in the sky before I turn back to her. Excuses are ready on the tip of my tongue, ways to explain away what's so painfully obvious to anyone with eyes, but I don't say any of them. Maybe because I'm tired of hiding that part from everyone and maybe because I want her to know that I'm sticking around him for as long as he'll let me – no matter what anyone else says.

"So? What does it matter to you?"

A broken laugh leaves her and she takes another drag off her cigarette before she speaks. "It matters to me because I love him too," she says, in such a small voice, I know she doesn't mean she loves him as only a friend. She loves him, same as me. And I don't know if that makes her hatred of me understandable or not.

I move next to her again, leaning against the railing too. I watch the orange glow of her cigarette in the near-darkness and I don't know what to say. We both love him but only one of us can have him. If he even wants one of us.

"How long?" Sam asks, not looking toward me when I glance at her. I know what she's asking. How long have I looked him this way? How long have I wanted him? How long have I waited to offer up my heart to him?

She glances toward me at the groan I let out and I run my hand down my face, dropping my gaze down to the grass far below both of us. I don't know if I knew it when I fell in love with him but that hazy, drunk night on the beach is the one I can clearly remember. My mind was running rampant with numerous, surprisingly gay thoughts. I couldn't stop myself then and I can't stop myself now. I want him.

"September… was the first time it hit me," I say, drifting off into myself as I talk. I barely notice Sam beside me as I talk, my mind going back to that night on the beach and how his hand felt against my chest and how blue his eyes looked in the darkness. "It was after the first game of the season and… my friends and I go down to the beach every year to ring in the new season. I invited Danny along. It was the first night we were there that I realized… I realized there was something more to him than just a friend."

Quiet settles between the two of us and it takes me longer than it should to pull myself back to reality and far away from that night. My crush on Danny might have begun on that trip but I don't think I realized just how much I really wanted him until these past few weeks. I liked him in the beginning but I think I always knew it would end with loving him.

"How long… has it been for you?" I ask, not looking at Sam with the question. I tell myself that I'm only asking to make conversation. But I know it isn't true. I have to know how long she's wanted him and if she'll hate me forever if I'm the one who's brave enough to chase after him.

Sam exhales out a breath that quickly turns to a laugh. "It's not that simple, Dash. I've known Danny since we were kids. I fell in love with him over the years. And even now… I still love him. I'll always love him," she says, her voice soft when she glances at me. She shrugs just a little before stubbing her cigarette out on the railing. "But it's not like there's anything that can change his mind about me and him now so… what's the point?"

I guess she sees the look on my face as confusion because she shakes her head in the silence, folding her arms across her chest as a shiver rocks through her. She turns her gaze out to the yard before she talks again, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Piece of advice… Danny's the easiest person in the world to fall in love with. But trying to fall out of love with him? It's like trying to catch a rainstorm with nothing more than your bare hands. And it's feeling that storm every damn day as you try to move past this. And it doesn't get any easier. Not even a little."

My breath catches when I inhale and it trembles when I exhale out again. I don't know what to say. She might have given up on ever being with him but I won't. I can't. Because I have to know what it's like even if I only ever get to kiss him. Even if I don't get that much – I have to know what it feels like to try.

"I don't… think I can give up that easily," I admit, dropping my gaze when she turns toward me again. I shrug one shoulder, exhaling out a heavy breath. "I don't know if he'd rather be with you than with me but… I have to at least try. And I just…" I trail off, glancing up at her in the silence. "If you have to hate me for that, I get it."

Sam tsks softly, rolling her eyes as she looks away from me. "How could I hate you for this? I have even less of a chance with him than you do. You're way more his type."

For half a second, I take that as a pathetic dig about me being on the football team just like his ex. But it hits me that she's not saying I have a better chance cause of Danny's past. I have a better chance than she does because Danny's gay.

I don't really know what to say in the silence and I can only watch Sam's face turn red the longer we're trapped in this quiet. It doesn't matter if he prefers my personality over Sam's – all that matters is that I'm not a girl.

Sam scoffs, looking away from me again, the blush on her face still lingering. She doesn't seem to know what to say either and I can't blame her. She lost a chance at being with Danny the day he figured out his sexuality. Here I am, with an even bigger chance than she ever had and I'm… not doing a fucking thing about it. I can draw whatever conclusions I want from how closely he sits with me or how long he holds my gaze but none of it fucking matters if I don't tell him the truth. If I don't hold his hands in mine or press kisses to his fingertips as I whisper that I want him. That I love him.

"He won't wait around forever, you know," Sam says, turning to look back at me, raising her eyebrow upward before she shrugs. "I meant what I said inside earlier. If I have to lose to anyone, you're not such a bad person to lose to. Just take care of him, alright? Don't make me kick your ass because you stop seeing how special he is."

I don't think there's anything in the world that could make me stop seeing starlight in Danny's eyes and stop cherishing his every smile. In the few months I've known him, he's become everything to me. He makes me forget about my shit when the rest of the world is beating down on me. He makes me feel better. He makes me feel sane.

"Trust me, I'll… never forget how amazing he is," I respond, my voice barely more than a whisper as a shiver runs through me. I've been out here long enough for the cold to have reached me by now but something's telling me that's not it. Without really saying it, Sam's telling me to confess how I feel. Not to her. To him. And not a couple months or even a couple weeks from now. It's now. I have to tell him now. Before this night ends, before we slip away from each other and spend the holidays with other people. Before I lose my nerve. I have to tell him.

It's like somebody out there was eavesdropping on our conversation. Because the door opens behind me and Danny steps out. He's tucking his jacket around himself, trying to keep warm in the cold air.

"Hey, what are you guys still doing out here? It's freezing," he says, running his hands up and down his arms to keep warm.

Sam must see the look on my face when I turn back to her because she softly mumbles, "Good luck."

She steps past me, patting me once on the shoulder before she slips past Danny and back into the house. I watch the door close behind her almost in slow motion and I exhale out a breath that hangs in the air, dancing higher and higher until I can't see it anymore.

Danny looks back at the closed door before he slowly looks at me. "What's… going on?"

I panic for a second. I wonder how I'm supposed to say it – how I'm supposed to broach the topic of hey, I fucking like you to someone that might only see me as a friend. I wish I had more time and I wish I hadn't taken so much damn time already. I want this conversation to be over with already and I want it to turn out right. With his arms around me and my lips against his neck and fuck – I want him.

My nerves are pooling in the pit of my gut and I know it's time. I shuffle my feet, close a bit of the distance between us. Clench my fists. Breathe in. And breathe out. It's time.

I try to shake this cold from myself. I try to stop feeling afraid but it's hard when that's all you've ever known. And Danny's everything that I want and despite how much I try to convince myself that I can have him, my fear is pounding inside my chest, reminding me that before I get everything I want, I have to reach for it. I have to try.

"I don't… really know how to say this," I start, not looking up at him as I talk. I keep my gaze on the wooden porch beneath us, trying to line up my breathing with his. Because I don't think his heart is pounding and mine definitely is.

He's quiet as I try to work out what the fuck is in my head and I silently thank him for it. Cause I don't know what I would do with any of his questions right now. I'd probably short-circuit and we'd get nowhere. But he stays silent and I stay strong, figuring out what I want to say to him before I actually try it.

"I know… we haven't known each other that long but… knowing you for a couple months is like knowing you for a year," I say, my breath hitching just a little as I talk but I ignore it. I'm not gonna let anything stop me from finally doing this.

Danny's looking at me curiously when I manage to lift my stare from the porch to his face. His beautiful fucking face. And his eyes are so kind and so curious in this moment. I don't want to take the time to explain anymore. I just want to kiss him and I want that to be it. To be all the words I need to say. But I know it won't be enough.

"I feel like I've known you for years, Danny," I breathe, watching the way his eyebrows draw down in the silence. He shakes his head just a little and I know he doesn't understand me. Something about the look on my face has confused him. He thinks I have something bad to say but I don't. This is not that kind of conversation. This is a really, really good conversation. I just have to keep talking so he knows it is.

I nervously laugh, running my hand through my hair as I jerk my thumb toward his house. "In there tonight… it felt… good. And that's the thing, it always feels good when I'm with you. Cause you… you make it feel good. You make me feel good and I… like the way you make me feel, Danny."

His eyebrows slowly rise until they're practically in his hairline and his eyes are blown wide. He gives a little shake of his head and I know that he still doesn't understand. But he's getting it. He knows what I mean. He just doesn't believe it. Believe it, Danny. I want you.

I take one of his hands in mine, trying not to move too quickly. I'm afraid of scaring him off but I'm afraid of scaring myself if I don't keep going. And ordinarily I'd struggle over how to say something or the right words to use but tonight, I don't have those fearsholding me back. I didn't have a beer over dinner like he did but I feel like I'm the one drunk on wild fantasies that could become my reality if I just try for them.

"I've… thought about this a lot since we met. And I just… I don't see a point in keeping it from you anymore," I say, chancing a look up at his face again. His teeth have sunk into his bottom lip again and I give him a small smile before I use my thumb to tug his lip away from his teeth.

I ache to run my tongue over the indents his teeth have made but I use the pad of my thumb instead. It's not the same. But I'm touching him. And he's not pulling away. And that's fucking all that matters.

Danny's breath is shaky as he exhales and his eyes fall closed for a split second. When he opens his eyes again, I can see tears clinging to his lashes and it makes the breath catch in my throat. Is he crying because he wants this or because he doesn't?

I reach up to brush a tear away from the corner of his eye and he pulls away from me. My stomach drops as I realize it might be the latter. But if he doesn't want me, why has he been acting this way? Why does he touch me and place kisses on my knuckles if he doesn't want more? Do friends act this way? Have I just been fucking delusional?

"Danny, I-"

"Please don't do this," he practically begs me, pulling away to fold his arms over his chest again. The action makes it look like he's trying to infuse some kind of strength into himself again and there's something distinctly familiar about the action.

When he looks back at me, he shakes his head, his bottom lip quivering. "Please, Dash. This was… th-things have been good between us and I can't… let this go that easily."

"L-Let it go?" I ask, my breath hitching as I inhale. "I don't want to let anything go. I don't want to let you go."

He shakes his head, looking away from me again as a tear escapes his eye and runs down his cheek. He doesn't move to brush it away and I ache to. If he would only let me touch him, I would brush away every last one of his tears – even if I'm somehow the reason for them.

Silence falls between us and I don't know how to break it. He knows I want him now. And from the way he's always touched me and held onto me, I thought it was the same for him. Fuck that, I know it's the same for him. You don't touch friends the way he's touched me. He wants me. He's just scared.

"Danny, I know that this… is a lot but I can't stop thinking about you," I almost whisper, my breath hanging in the air between us. "I need you to know that I want this. I want… you."

He screws his eyes closed as his bottom lip trembles again. He doesn't say anything and somehow that's worse than if he was just denying this. If he was just pushing me away. Because at least then, it's a clear answer. It's a strong no. This isn't a no. This isn't anything.

"You gotta tell me what you're thinking, okay? I'm a little lost here… I-I've never done this before," I admit. In the past, it's been Paulina or a girl from the cheerleading team at a party, or someone that didn't really matter to me. But this is Danny. And he fucking matters.

Danny drags in a breath that sounds like he's dying and a piece of me feels like it's breaking at the noises leaving him. He uncrosses his arms to fiddle with the hem of his sweater, to push his hair back from his face – anything to distract himself. I know that feeling. When everything is scratching at you and you don't know what to do so you do a little bit of everything – hoping that somewhere along the way, it all starts to help.

"Th-This is… why, Dash?" he breathes out, stopping all of his distractions just to look at me. To stare at me as tears make their way down his face and he drags in another raspy breath. He uses all the oxygen he's managed to drag into his lungs just to ask it again. "Why?"

I don't know how to put into words all the reasons I want him and it hits me that's not really what he's asking. He doesn't need to know why I want him. He's asking why I'm doing this now. And I don't have an answer for him other than I'm tired. I don't want to have to wait around anymore for the day that things fall into place and I know it's fucking selfish but I want him.

"I've spent years trying to get myself to a place where I could be with someone again and at one point, it could have been you, Dash. God – I would have let it be you but this? Now?" Danny's crying now, tears rolling down his cheeks and his breath hitching in between words and I… don't know how to fix this.

I didn't want to upset him. I just wanted him so badly and everyone along the way has filled my head with the hope of one day asking him to be mine. Maybe this is just shitty timing and maybe he just doesn't want me but… I have to know the difference.

"Because I couldn't wait any longer," I say, watching the expression on Danny's face shift. He shakes his head and looks away from me but the tears racing down his face now are slower and he sounds less choked as he breathes. And I can't stand that I've pushed him to this point but I can't stand not knowing more.

He dabs at his eyes with the sleeves of his sweater, shaking his head as he talks. "So what – you just… you saw what you wanted to see tonight and decided to go for it?"

God, that hurts. It cuts right through me like I'm made of paper and he's a sharp blade. It's not just tonight. It's every night I've spent with him. In the beach house, before the championship game, on the hood of his car all night long after he told me the truth about phantom. It's been every waking moment with him that's made me fall for him. And I thought he was falling for me too.

"Don't tell me that what I've seen between us these past few months has just been my imagination," I say, and I feel like an asshole for saying it. But it's not fair. He's touched me and held me close and I know that's not how I treat my friends. Danny's the one that I want and I thought he wanted me too. And though my mind has loved torturing me with the thought that Danny was only using me as a rebound from Blake, I don't want to believe that it's the truth.

Danny sighs, spreading his arms wide in exasperation. "What do you want me to say?"

I want him to tell me that he likes me too. That he's scared but that he wants this. That we'll take our time and figure it out along the way. That whatever we're about to jump into, he wants to be a part of it. That he wants me.

"The truth, Danny. You owe me that much."

His gaze snaps up to mine and there's some kind of fire brewing in his eyes. The darkness that takes over his expression is haunting and a stark contrast to the boy that I was just playing a ridiculous card game with only a few hours ago. He changes in that split second and when he speaks, he spits the words at me, like he's aiming to hurt me just from his tone.

"I don't owe you anything."

I watch his hands ball into fists at his sides, his chest heaving with each shaky breath he draws in, and the pure anger radiating off of him and I know this isn't about me. This has nothing to do with the fact that I want the truth or that I want him. I'm not the reason for his anger.

"I'm not him," I say, watching his eyes widen slowly before he looks away from me, swearing under his breath. I have shitty timing and I know he needs more time to get over Blake and all the shit that he's left Danny to deal with but I'm not him.

Danny looks up again when I step closer to him and I put my hands on his upper arms, drawing him closer to me. He meets my stare, trying to keep the anger in his gaze but it's losing out to the fear I can see creeping in. He's afraid of this or me, or something, and it's holding him back. It's keeping the truth locked up inside of him and I can't let it go this time.

"Tell me you're not trying to say that you don't want me," I whisper, losing strength as I stare into his eyes. As I watch everything I've wanted since the day I met him slowly slip away from me and I can't do a damn thing about it.

He pushes me away from him – his hands flush against my chest with the movement, and he lets out a small sob. "Of course I want you," he chokes out, his hands balling into his fists at his sides. "I have always wanted you, Dash. I was after you when I got tangled up with Blake and after everything went to shit, I just… I couldn't imagine that you would want me and now you're here and I- I just can't… D-Dash, I can't do this anymore."

"This isn't just about Blake, is it?" I ask softly, watching his expression fall. Like maybe that was the one thing he didn't want me to ask him about. But I have to know what's fucking with him so I can fix it. So I can fix us.

"No, Dash. It's not." His bottom lip won't stop trembling but he speaks clearly and when he crosses his arms over his chest again, he pulls off the look of anger so well. "It's about everything else too. It's about me and the way that I see things now and it's about you and everyone in my life that I care about and I-"

He cuts himself off and turns away from me, dragging in a shaky breath. I start to say something – ask him how he sees things now compared to how he used to – but he doesn't hear me. His voice cracks and breaks as he talks but he starts to talk and there's nothing I can say to stop him. To make him understand that I don't care about whatever baggage he thinks he's bringing with him. It doesn't matter to me – he's whatmatters to me.

"I didn't tell Blake about being the phantom and when I told you… God, I knew it was because I trusted you more than I ever trusted him. But if I… if I'm dating you, I can't trust you. Because everything gets messy and confusing when you're with someone like that and I can't let that happen with you. Dash, I need you when everything else is messed up and nothing makes sense and I just can't-"

"I'm not him, Danny," I interrupt, closing the distance between us again, my arms instantly around him. My palms are pressed flat to his back and I'm pulling him closer to me, trying to get him to calm down. Trying to ease the tension in his every movement. "You can trust me, I promise. Even if you date me."

Danny's shaking his head and pulling away from me so I repeat it. I'm not him.

"But you could be," he whispers, meeting my gaze with tears in his eyes, and I can only stare back at him. His eyes fall closed and those tears fall from his eyes and I fall with them. I fall for him more, I fall for the idea of being with him, I fall for this whole fucking situation all over again. And this time, it hurts.

"Is that really how little you think of me?"

Danny drags in a breath and pushes away from me and I let him go, feeling like this is the moment where it all ends. Where he tells me to go away and I leave because I don't know how to fucking fight for anything. And how I'm supposed to fight for someone that doesn't even want me?

"Please don't try to say that there aren't any similarities that I could find. B-Because believe me… I've been over this a million times in my head and I…" he trails off and swallows hard, shaking his head like he doesn't need to explain. Like I'm just supposed to get it. I don't, Danny.

I push my hands through my hair, knotting my fingers around several strands, trying to make sense of this. Trying to understand what he's saying to me and why he's saying it now. Has he always compared me to Blake? How do I measure up? Am I just a constant reminder because I played on the same team as his ex? And will I ever have the chance to be anything more?

"Fine," I say, my voice low. "But try not to forget all the differences too."

Danny meets my gaze and for a few seconds, we just stare at each other, not knowing what to say. Because we're both right. Because we're both wrong. I guess to him, I am like Blake in some ways. But in a lot of others, I'm nothing like him. And I wish he could see that. Because I want him so badly, it rings in my bones and fills my chest up until I can't breathe and I wish he knew it. I wish he could see how much of my heart is already his.

I'm at a loss for what to say but we're not plunged into silence for long. My phone rings suddenly, disturbing the quiet, and tug it from my pocket with a grumble, wondering why Alex couldn't have just waited a fucking minute longer to call me. I don't even glance at the screen before I mumble that this'll only take a second.

"Look, I'll be there soon, alright? I'll call you when I leave," I say, lifting my gaze to look at Danny again. He's looking away from me, biting down hard on his bottom lip, and I don't know how to fix this. How do I always mange to fuck up something that was supposed to be good?

There's rustling on the other end of the phone before his voice comes back on the line. And my blood runs fucking cold when I realize it's not Alex I'm talking to. My heart pounds inside my chest and all conscious thoughts leave my mind instantly.

"Coming home so soon?" dad's voice easily slips through the phone line, sending shivers rocking down my spine. Fuck, why didn't I check the fucking contact? He laughs again at my silence and I claw for even just a little strength. Just a taste of it to get me through this conversation. God, I can't fucking do this right now.

His voice rumbles through my phone again, making my breath catch and my heart beat faster. "I hope our little rendezvous in traffic today taught you what I've been trying to get you to learn. No matter what you do, you can never outrun me."

"I did today," I spit without even thinking about what the fuck I'm saying. But fuck it, it's true. I got away from him today. And I'll do it again. Every fucking day if he makes me. He might have ruled me once but I'll never give him that chance again.

Dad laughs again, the sound low and grating on my ears. Why does he always have to act so fucking smug all the time? As if to answer my question, he starts to talk, his every word laced with that certain tone of malice and hatred that I've known since I was just a kid.

"I let you go today. I have my sights set on something bigger than you," he says, pausing for fucking dramatic effect before he continues, a laugh spilling from him as he speaks two words that stop me cold. "Your mother."

A broken noise escapes me that I desperately try to keep in but I know he's heard me. He knows how much this will fuck with me. Mom's done everything she can to get away from him – to stay hidden. I'm the one that took so fucking long to decide to leave him. If anyone deserves his wrath, his hatred, it's me. Please, universe. Let him take me instead.

Danny looks back at me, his brow furrowed down and I can't look at him. I take the steps down into the front yard, pacing back and forth as my every nerve sparks to life inside of myself.

"If you're calling me to fucking threaten me into telling you where she is, you're wasting your time. I'll never tell you. P-Put as many fucking guns to my head that you want to, I won't say a fucking word," I hiss, begging the universe not to let Danny hear me. My own anger is sparking to life inside my chest and I can't hold it back this time. He can fuck with me as much as he wants to. He doesn't get to fuck with mom anymore.

"You know… if I had any reason to threaten you for information, I wouldn't do it over the phone. You've always been hard-headed, Dash. It's always taken force to get you to talk." His every word sends my heart fucking screaming as I fight to keep down my own stomach acid. "Point is… I don't need anything from you. I just thought I'd call to tell you, you're off the hook, kid. Your mother's always been the one I've wanted to find. And now, thanks to you, I finally have."

I choke back the feeling of bile rising in the back of my throat and I take in a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I didn't tell him a goddamn thing about mom or where she is now. I lied to him. Even when he had a fucking gun to my head, I lied. Cause I could never give her up like that.

"You should really think about where you travel to in the future. Three trips to Dryden in the past few months? It's almost like you wanted me to find her."

He laughs again, the sound turning my stomach and I ball my hands into fists, breathing deeply so I don't puke. Fuck, he found her. And I fucking led him there.

"In case you missed it, I played a game in Dryden. Those trips I was taking? I was scouting the other team, seeing what the fuck I was up against," I say, more confidence in my words than I thought there would be.

"I'm impressed. I would almost believe you if it weren't for one, small thing. You forgot that I can check security camera's. And I've tracked your time in Dryden. All the way up to that cute little gallery space she's invested in. I wonder how much she'd sell for after I make her face into my own work of art."

My heart is fucking screaming in my ears and I try to think of something to say. Some way to make him think that he's got this all wrong. That mom isn't in Dryden and that I haven't been to see her and – fuck.

I practically break my neck turning around when I feel a hand on my shoulder. Danny's standing behind me, shaking his head with his eyes wide – like he's asking me what's going on. I can't tell you, Danny. I can't fucking tell you.

"You see, Dash… I don't need you for any part of this now. I'm running the address of her gallery space now to get the one where she's living. And the police force in Dryden are waiting on just a phone call from me before they'll make an arrest on her for escaping police custody right here in Amity Park," he gives another sickening laugh with the words and the sound is like a kick to my chest.

I can't let him do this. I can't let him destroy everything mom's worked so fucking hard for.

"Take me… instead," I practically beg, my voice shaky as I speak and Danny's eyes are blown wide as he stares at me. I turn my back to him and shove my hand through my hair, scratching at my scalp until it hurts. Pain has always helped me focus. "Dad, I will… go with you wherever you want me to. We can leave Amity Park if that's what you want just please… please let her go."

Dad barks out a laugh that shakes me. That has my bones rattling from the sound and I know there isn't a chance of him letting go of either one of us. As soon as he has mom, he'll come after me. He's right. No matter how far we run… he will always fucking find us.

I jerk my phone away from my ear and stab end on the call, hurriedly typing in mom's number instead. My heart is like a jack-hammer inside my chest and I'm fighting back tears as I listen to the ringing until her voicemail picks up.

"Fuck," I practically scream, stumbling away from Danny as I dial her number. I'm distantly aware of Danny calling my name but I don't pay attention to him, listening to the ringing. It clicks off again and I fucking lose it. My breath comes out of me like a sob and I scratch my fingernails along my scalp before I enter her number one final time. If they've already gotten to her, if I'm too late, I-

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" mom answers, exhaustion in her tone as she talks. "This is a really bad time to call. Can whatever this is wait until tomorrow?"

I drag in a breath that's laced with another sob and mom goes silent on her end. "M-Mom, i-it's dad!" I think I know that I'm screaming but I can't stop. I'm fucking terrified and I'm running on pure adrenaline and fear as I talk. "He found you, h-he's… god, he's gonna fucking come after you!"

She's quiet for half a second before she lets out a heavy breath that sounds scared to me. Or maybe that's my own breathing I can hear. But in that moment – when the tremble in her voice could be my own, I know that I can't let him do this. And simply calling her isn't enough. It's my fault that she's in this mess right now. It's my fault that he's found her. And it's my job to make it right.

"Mom, listen to me. Get your stuff, okay? Pack everything you need, I'm coming to get you. He knows where your gallery is and he's probably… fuck, he's probably got your license plate at this point so you can't… we can't take your car. Just get your stuff, whatever you need. Go somewhere safe, somewhere you never took me and that can't be traced back to you, okay?" I instruct, trying to come down from this hysteria as I talk but it doesn't work. Giving mom instructions only fuels the panic in me and it forces more words out. "I'm closer than he is but he's gonna send the police after you. I'm coming for you. Mom, I'll be there, just be ready."

She's quiet for a split second before she's talking again, rattling off an address to me and I commit it to memory, reciting it back to myself again and again until I can't forget it. Until I remember it like I remember my own name and the fact that I have to save her. No matter what I do, I have to save her.

I promise her that I'll be there soon and then I'm off the phone. I'm practically running across the grass to get to my car and Danny calls my name but I don't stop.

"Dash, wait!"

He catches up to me and puts his hand on my shoulder, spinning me around to face him. His hands are shaking too but he turns me back to him – he pulls me away from the direction of my car and closer to him. He doesn't seem to know what to do but his hands are firm on either side of my face, like he's trying to infuse strength back inside of me.

"Dash, you're scaring me. Wh-What's going on?" he asks, his voice like a taste of calm to my panicked brain. I drag in a deep breath, needing him in this moment more than I can admit. But I don't have time to need him.

I try to pull away from him but he holds me, shaking his head. "Please don't do this," he whispers, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip in the momentary silence. "Dash, you can't do this."

"What the fuck am I supposed to do?" I spit, distantly aware of the fact that I'm still basically shouting. He winces just a little and I hate that I'm doing this now. I hate that I'm spilling all of my fucked up shit right here and now but I can't do this.

I push him away and start for my car again, my every movement strung up on some form of panic and adrenaline but I get there. My hands are shaking too badly to unlock my car but Danny's followed me over. And he easily swipes the keys from my hand.

"If you're doing this then… let me go with you," he whispers, closing his hand around the keys when I reach for them. His eyebrows draw down and he shakes his head. "Please, think about what you're doing."

Fuck, I am. I have to save mom – she'd do the same for me in a fucking heartbeat. And even if she wouldn't, this is my fucking fault. I'm the reason that she's in this fucking position. I need to fix this before he gets to her. I have to fucking fix this.

"I have to go." I grab his wrist and he lets go of my keys with a heavy sigh.

I don't waste any time before I'm unlocking my car door but Danny doesn't let me sit down. He grabs my upper arm and lets out a breath that's hanging in between us when I turn back to look at him.

Fear is laced throughout his expression and even before he speaks, I know that this isn't just about me anymore. Something is scaring the fuck out of him and the conversation we were both locked into only moments ago is clearly tearing at him and his sanity.

"Dash… I-I'll talk about this, okay? We'll… we'll figure out how to make this work and I'll… I'll be with you. Just don't leave, okay? Don't go, please just… stay," he practically begs me and I hate that he's doing this now. That a stupid fucking phone call is what it takes to make him want to figure this shit out when that's all I've wanted for months.

"I can't," I respond, jerking a hand through my hair as I pull my arm away from him.

Danny won't let me go, grabbing onto my wrist before I can fully get away from him and I groan, a broken sob dragged out of me just from his simple action. And it scares him, I can see it on his face, but it scares me too. Because I'm walking away from everything I've ever wanted and I know it's not gonna be here when I get back. But maybe it's better this way. Maybe if I leave now, he'll find a way to be okay again without me around – without having a constant reminder.

"Look, just… c-consider this my way of setting you free." I sigh, dragging in what little oxygen my lungs manage to. "We've been doing this stupid dance for too long. And I'd love to just have this conversation on pause until I come back but we both know that when I do, you won't want this anymore. So… you're free, okay? Figure out what you want from here. And if you need more time before you jump into a relationship, then take it. Because I want you to have the fucking world, Danny. Even if I'm not the one to give it to you."

Danny's shaking his head, talking before I've even finished – telling me that he doesn't need more time and that he wants to figure this out now – and I know that I have to push him away. Because I need to go and he needs space. I have to go save my fucking mom and he has to save himself. And we can't do either of those things this close to each other.

"Don't worry about having another reminder of what he did to you, okay?" I ask, reaching up to brush the pad of my thumb along his cheek, wishing that everything around us would just stop for a few more fucking minutes so I could have this. So I could have him. "You won't ever have to see me again."

Maybe it's because he's surprised or maybe it's years of avoiding dad's angry blows, but either way, I manage to slip away from him and though he calls my name, I close my car the door. He stares back at me through my window and I start my car, pulling away from his house despite him calling my name. Despite him screaming after me, begging me to come back. And I'm fucking sobbing, leaving behind everything I've ever wanted because it's the right thing to do. But god, how can something be right if it hurts this fucking badly?


A/N:

Yooo, welcome to hell

I honestly don't know what to say about this chapter. I've been editing it for like two months. And I didn't plan on finishing for another couple of days but I just can't keep staring at it. Even after all these edits, it feels jumbled and a poor representation of what I wanted to say or the way I wanted to tell parts of this story. But it is what it is and like I said, I can't keep staring at it

Thank you guys so much for your patience on this update, I know it's been longer than usual in between updates. Thanks for all the encouragement with this update and all previous updates, I know I say it a lot but seriously, I really appreciate it

So, I'm gonna try to cobble together some thoughts about this chapter and I hope they make sense. First, ohmygod, it's finally up! I've been waiting SO LONG for this one to be up. I know you guys have wanted the confession scene since practically the first chapter. It's here now and I can only hope that I did it justice for you

I'd love to know any and all thoughts you have about this update. Any thoughts about Blake? He's proving to be really interesting for me and it's fun to play with him. I'll be honest – I never really planned on giving him a redemption arc or anything but… it makes sense. And I hope in the future, I do justice to the parallel of his story to someone else's

How do you feel about Jeff's side of the story? Do you think he's trying to justify what Blake's done? Or do you think that he's right – that Dash is too close to the situation and that's why he can't see anything but the pain Blake has caused Danny?

What do you think Alex wants to tell Dash? How do you feel about the things have been left between the boys? It's so heartbreaking to me – Dash pushed so hard for Danny to take him but the second that Danny says he will, Dash has to leave. God, that's one thing that's so hard for me – they were so close!

If I keep going, I'll talk forever so I'm going to leave it there. But just know that this chapter took so long in edits because I was determined to make it better. If I missed typo's or something's unclear, I apologize. But I've gone over specific scenes too many times to count. I hope I did it right. I hope you've enjoyed it

The title of this chapter comes from Out Loud by Gabbie Hanna. The song is about a lot of different things depending on how you interpret it. To me, it's about breaking up – losing someone you really love. And since I heard this line, I knew it was these boys. These idiot boys that love each other so much but everything keeps getting in the way. It's Dash, frustrated to the point where he just wants an answer – even if the answer is no. And to me, this line just captures that so well

As always, thank you so much for your support and I can't wait to bring you 70. Expect travel time, heartbreaking phone calls, so many tears, and a hospital visit. I won't spoil it but buckle up. Shit. Hits. The. Fan.

Thanks again, I'll see you guys next update!