Warning: talk of abuse, hospital visit, graphic depictions of burns and the treatment of them


Note: I've put numbers in the footnotes of the lines where someone talks in Spanish. You should be able to search for those numbers using ctrl + F or cmnd + F for Mac users (if you're using a desktop that is) to check the translation of what that character's saying. Let me know if that's too annoying and I won't include it in future chapters. I just through it might make it easier to tell what everyone's saying. Okay anyway, enjoy!


He holds me. Standing underneath the shower spray with all our clothes on, water running down the both of us, he holds me. As the shivers race through me and as the tears come and go. When I feel the panic bubbling up inside my chest and as it rocks through me, Danny won't let me go.

I can hear his heart beating. And his fingers running through the back of my hair is soothing. Even with all this stuff that's piled up on me. Even with how fucking bad I feel and with how much pain I'm in. His touch feels good. It calms me down before the panic even really sets in.

We stay like that for a while. Until the shower has soaked us both and I've stopped clinging on to Danny like he's my lifeline. Even though we both know he still is.

"You can… take a shower if you want to. I'll get you some dry clothes," he says softly, hesitant on leaving me.

I'm not leaning against him anymore but his hands are still resting on my shoulders. He seems like he wants to pull me into a hug again. But I give him the smile I can manage and it eases the tension in his movements.

"Okay… um… yeah. You shower and I'll… I'll bring you some dry clothes. Is your room upstairs?" he asks softly, nodding when I do. "Okay. Then yeah… okay."

He doesn't seem to know what to do once he's stepped out of the tub. He glances around the bathroom, looks up at me, and pushes his hands through his wet hair. I wonder if his nerves are only for me or if it has anything to do with the kisses we shared. Fuck, I actually kissed him.

I take a small step forward in the shower and Danny looks up at me instantly. I hold out my hand to him and he takes it, stepping closer to me in silence. I know I'm blushing but I bring his hand up to my mouth and I kiss his knuckles like I've done so many times before. But it isn't like before. I never knew what it felt like to kiss his lips before but I do now. God, I know now.

Danny's blushing too when I lift my gaze to his and it drags a smile onto my face. A real smile. The kind that hurts my nose and my jaw but it fills my heart and makes it easier to breathe. He exhales out with a nervous laugh, running his free hand through his hair.

"O-Okay… Um… you, shower. And I'll bring down some clothes," he says quietly, tugging his hand from mine. I let him go and when he shuts the bathroom door behind him, the reality of what the hell just happened hits me full force. And I can't stop from fucking grinning like I've got a stupid fucking school boy crush on him. Which I guess… given everything, I absolutely fucking do.


I rush through my shower so I can see him sooner. I've just turned off the water when he knocks softly on the door. I wrap a towel around my waist and check my reflection in the mirror. I think my face might've looked worse. Once. Maybe. When dad used a fucking bat.

He's already seen my face like this but for some reason, opening the door is nerve wracking. Like this is the first time he'll be seeing me even though it's not. It's nowhere close to the first time he's seen this kind of damage on me before but still. The butterflies in my gut are going crazy.

Danny gives me a small smile when I manage to open the door. His gaze drops from my face down to my chest and he drags in a soft breath. At first I think there's some kind of bruising there that's made him react that way but it's not. He's just seeing my bare chest and he's fucking blushing.

"Like what you see?" I tease, my own face turning red in the process.

He stammers a little in response, shoving a handful of clothes at me. "H-Here. I didn't know what you want to wear but i-it's cold so I brought you a hoodie too," he says, his face turning a darker shade when he meets my stare again. "Fuck, don't say things like that."

"You're the one who was staring," I respond, grinning despite the heat I can feel radiating from my own face.

Danny rolls his eyes. "You'd stare too if I looked like that," he mumbles, an embarrassed smile tugging at his mouth. He lets out a low breath, composes himself just a little, before he looks up at me. "I uh… I'm assuming you haven't had dinner yet so… I'm gonna order some food. Is pizza good?"

I don't even know what time it is, let alone what's in the fridge or pantry for dinner. So a pizza sounds perfect.

He starts away from the bathroom door after I've nodded but he turns back to look at me when I call his name. His hair and clothes are still wet from where he held me in the shower and I know he's gotta be cold. I doubt any of my clothes will fit him that well but it's better than nothing.

"You should… dry off and change into some of my clothes. You're still soaking wet," I point out, shrugging when he looks down at himself. "T-Take whatever you want, okay? I don't care."

Danny looks up at me again and for half a second, he doesn't say or do anything. But I sense some kind of danger when he smirks.

"If this is your way of getting me into your pants, I have to tell you… I'm a bit disappointed," he jokes and I fucking lose it.

My whole face is red and a nervous laugh is dragged from me, making me sound like a complete fucking idiot. He laughs at my reaction and I look away from him. God, he's so much better at this whole teasing, flirting thing than I am.

"I'm just kidding. Get dressed and I'll see you in a sec."

He leaves the room in a couple of small steps. I watch the doorway that leads out of my dad's bedroom for a second before I duck back into the bathroom and close the door.

I silently thank Danny for choosing clothes that are easy to get into as I step into a pair of sweatpants. Along with the pants and a t-shirt, he got me a pair of plain boxers. I'm pretty sure I'm blushing at the thought of him rummaging around through my fucking underwear drawer.

Fuck, he saw my dresser.

The whole night comes back to me again and I almost collapse against the bathroom counter. He's seen my room and the mess that dad made in it. He's seen my dresser and he must have wondered what happened. If my father pulled it down on me. Fuck.

My heart is pounding in my ears and this sick feeling twists my gut. For a second, I think I'm gonna vomit. I feel my stomach convulse and I even turn toward the trash can. But the feeling passes and I end up taking deep breaths, my hands linked behind my head as I struggle to keep a grip on myself.

When my heart has slowed its rhythm again, I grab the hoodie Danny got for me. He chose a light blue one that Kwan got for me a couple of Christmases ago. I slip it on over my t-shirt, ignoring the pressure it puts on my back.

I turn to the mirror again, somehow expecting the damage on my face to have eased just a little. But it's still just as ugly as it was when I got out of the shower and I don't know why I'm surprised. Marks from dad usually take a long fucking time to heal.

I leave the bathroom and nervously run my hands through my hair, leaving my dad's room in search of my phone. I had it earlier, before Danny came in, but I must have lost it somewhere along the way to the bathroom.

Danny's coming down the stairs just as I find my phone on the floor in front of the couch and we both stop what we're doing to look at each other. Neither one of us says a thing or makes another move.

We just take each other in and then, almost simultaneously, we both remember we're supposed to be doing something. He returns to descending the staircase and I pretend that I've just seen something interesting on my phone.

He stops at the foot of the stairs and I turn to look at him from my place in front of the couch. He's borrowed a pair of pajamas and a white t-shirt that hangs off one shoulder from how big it is on him. But he looks good. He looks so damn good.

"I ordered pepperoni on the pizza. That's good, right?" he asks softly and I nod. I don't care what we have on the pizza. I don't care if we even eat at all. I just want him. I want him and nothing else. I want all the shit that's happened between us to not matter anymore.

He nods toward the dining room. "You wanna sit down and wait for it?"

Sitting down sounds like it's the best thing for me right now considering my whole body aches so I follow him into the dining room. He pulls out a chair for me but doesn't sit yet. He leans against the end of the table as I sit and for a second, we just stare at each other.

I don't know if it's too soon or if I'm supposed to wait for some kind of sign but I take his hand in mine. When he doesn't pull away from me, I take that as my sign. I pull him just a little closer to me and my selfishness comes through in this moment.

"C-Can I… kiss you again?" I blurt out without thinking it through. But I want it. I want to beg him for permission just to press my lips to his. To pull him flush against my chest and forget everything while our lips on each other's. Just for a second. A single moment of tonight. Let me forget with you.

Danny slowly shakes his head and my heart drops to my feet. I don't understand. He kissed me back in the shower. When I was at his house the other night… he told me he wanted me. Fuck, what if he was just telling me that? What if he doesn't want me? Or what if my timing's shitty? What if this whole fucking thing is shitty?

He calls my name softly and puts his hand underneath my chin, turning my face up to meet his gaze again. "Let me kiss you instead."

His mouth covers mine in an instant and he leans down to get closer to me, his arms sliding around my neck. It takes me half a second to react but I tilt my head back and open my mouth into the kiss, begging his permission when I press my tongue to his mouth. And when he parts his lips in response, I slide my tongue into his mouth and he moans at the movement.

I pull him closer to me and he holds onto me tightly, his arms around my neck and my hands clawing at his back. I'm trying to drag him closer to me but there's no distance left between us. The heat builds between us and I don't know when he started straddling me but he's on my lap and it hurts but it's good.

We only break apart for oxygen when the doorbell rings. It hits him that he's not standing anymore. That at some point during our kiss he started straddling me, and his whole face goes red. He hesitates a second longer, until the doorbell sounds again, and then he practically vaults off of me.

"Fuck," he whispers softly and scratches the back of his head, looking anywhere but at me. He stands in place for a second, glancing around the room, before he leaves to answer the door. I watch him go for as long as I can before the situation hits me too.

We were just kissing. We were kissing. And if the doorbell hadn't gone off, we'd still be kissing. Fuck, I could get used to that. The feeling of him in my arms and on my lap and the taste of his mouth.

He comes back with the pizza and his face still red and I have to wonder what mine looks like. Do I look embarrassed to him? Cause I'm not embarrassed of kissing him. I'm a little ashamed of how badly I want to keep kissing him. If we didn't have to eat, I'd kiss him again. I'd pull him into my arms and he'd slide his around my neck and we'd fit. We would be perfect. God, Danny I want to kiss you again but I don't think I'll ever stop.


I don't know how he does it but Danny manages to push aside all the awkward feelings we both have about what the hell just happened. He keeps the conversation light as we eat and I drink in everything he's telling me. He talks about his family, his friend Sam, and I just listen. I don't add much in response but he doesn't seem to be expecting it. And I'm so fucking grateful that he's not.

When we're both full from the pizza, Danny puts what's left in the fridge. He hovers in front of the fridge for a few seconds longer, suddenly seeming uncertain of himself. It takes him a few seconds in the silence before he turns back to me, his expression worried.

"Do you have any of your painkillers left?" he asks softly and I realize why he's unsure of himself. He doesn't know how to shift our light-hearted conversation into something that's darker. Something sinister.

I nod. "Yeah. In the medicine cabinet, the one above the sink." I point to it and he turns to look. I drop my hand into my lap and he opens the cabinet, moving a few things out of the way until he sees a prescription bottle with my name on it.

Danny's frowning when he comes back over to the table with the pills. "They put you on fentanyl?" he asks, looking up at me in question.

I shrug, mainly cause Alex was the one who got the drugs filled for me when I was at the hospital. I didn't read the label because whatever eased the pain was enough for me. "Yeah?" I say, more as a question, and take the bottle from him.

He waits while I open the bottle and swallow down two pills before he takes the bottle back, shaking his head. "Nothing, it's just…" he sighs, looking up at me. "Dash, this is a strong medication. It's used for severe pain. And… I don't know. Maybe I should just take you to the hospital."

"No. I'm not going. And besides, it's late anyway, isn't it?" I ask, tugging my phone from my pocket to check the time. When two am stares back at me, it takes me a second to look up at Danny again. We haven't been sitting here that long which means, he probably got here around midnight. Fuck, what the hell was he doing coming over here so late just for me?

Danny gives me a sympathetic look and takes my phone from me. "Fine. Then at least get some rest? I'll help you to bed," he says softly and the kindness in his tone is what makes me get up from the chair.

"I can bring your mattress downstairs. We can put it in the living room," he offers, seeming to already know that sleeping in my dad's room is out of the question.

"No, I'm okay."

He looks doubtful but he takes me by the hand and leads me to the staircase.

I follow him up the stairs and let him turn down the covers on my bed before I sit. He busies himself around my room, setting my phone up to charge, and trying to clear up the mess dad made. He must have set my dresser upright when I was in the shower. Fuck, I hate that he saw everything dad left in his wake.

It feels like it's been months since I've been back inside my house but it's only been a couple of days. God, it seems like just yesterday that I met Alex at the garage, begging to stay at his place. If I'd only known then that he's just been putting up with me… I think I would have taken my chances with dad.

When Danny's done all that he can with the mess, he turns back to me and closes the distance between us, sitting down on the end of my bed. I scoot back to make room for him and he takes my hand in his. For a second, we just hold each other's gaze until he looks up at me, hesitation clear in his expression.

"Dash… did he do this?" He shifts his gaze away from me, slowly looking around my room again.

I don't want to answer him. And he doesn't seem to need me to anyway. One look back at me and he sighs softly, nodding.

He squeezes my hand in his and I wish I knew what to say. I wish I had the kind of words in my soul that could heal, instead of all the ones that cut.

Silence falls between and its awkward and uncomfortable. I wish I could be the one to break it but he does. He leans forward and brushes the hair back from my forehead with a soft sigh.

"I'll stay with you if you want me to."

I try to swallow past the lump in my throat. I don't want to wake up alone. I don't want to sleep in this big empty house by myself. I don't want him to go but I don't want him to see how fucking selfish I am. But I'm scared. And I don't think I can do this by myself.

"Stay," I whisper, squeezing my eyes closed when he looks at me. I can't look at him as he sees me like this. I know I'm selfish and I know I'm weak but… god, I never wanted him to see me like that. I never wanted anyone to see me like this. But he's here and I'm so goddamn scared.

He exhales softly, smoothing my hair down again before he leans forward to press a kiss to my forehead that's more calming than it should be. I could get used to the kind of calm Danny makes me feel and I wish I could tell him that. I wish he could know how much just being near him is helping ease the thunder in my chest.

"Okay," he says and he's smiling when I open my eyes to look at him. He nods once, like it's that easy to give me what I've asked of him. He stands from my bed. "Do you want the light on?"

I didn't think it was going to be that easy. I didn't know that he would give in just like that. I thought he would take back the offer. I thought he would tell me that he needs to go home or that his mom would kill him if he stayed out all night. But he didn't. He's staying the night. I'm not gonna be alone when I wake up.

"Dash," he calls softly and I look up at him. He's standing by the light switch, his head tilted to one side in question. He hesitates a second before he repeats the question. "Do you want to leave the light on?"

If it was just me here, I'd never be able to fall asleep without the light on. But maybe with Danny lying next to me, I can drift off in the darkness that always seems so unforgiving when I'm alone. Maybe with him next to me, I can sleep and I won't dream of all the bad things my mind can come up with.

He turns the light out when I shake my head and then he's crossing the room to get to me. I scoot back on the bed, giving him as much room as I can but he doesn't need much. He's smaller than me and he easily fits into half the space I was just occupying. His back is to me as he gets settled underneath the covers but as soon as he's done fidgeting, he turns to look at me.

I can't see him that well in the darkness but I know he's there. I can feel his body next to mine and I can hear every quiet breath he's dragging in. He's here. I'm not alone. I'm not alone.


Neither one of us fall asleep right away. We don't talk much but what few words we do exchange are quiet. Like we're both afraid to disturb the silence we've been settled into since he turned out the light.

We lay in silence next to each other and though we look each other's way occasionally, we don't keep a conversation going. I don't have much to say and it still hurts to talk. And I think he's trying to let me fall asleep.

His phone rings, breaking the silence. He apologizes softly, rolling over to get it from the floor. He's leaning out of the bed to grab his phone and when he slides forward just a little, I put my hand on his back to steady him.

He reacts like I've shocked him. When he turns back to me, I can see the flush on his face in the light his phone is giving off. "Sorry, just a sec," he says quietly, answering the call. "Hello?"

I can't hear what the other person on the phone is saying but from the way he's tensed, I'm guessing it's one of his parents. He fidgets with the covers for a second before he spares a glance at me and lays down again, keeping his hand around his phone.

"Yeah, I know, dad," he says, meeting my gaze in the quiet. "I'm fine, I promise."

Danny hesitates a second but he reaches for me and gently runs his fingers along my jawline, completely fucking mesmerizing me. He frowns just a little and when his gaze leaves mine, I'm guessing his expression has something to do with the phone call.

"I know," he whispers, rolling over onto his back as he talks. He pushes his hand through his hair, letting out a low breath. "Tell her to relax, okay? I'm still alive and I'm fine. I'm just staying the night with a friend."

I start a little at the word he's used for me and he looks my way at the movement. We've kissed now. We've made out. How does that leave us as friends? Will he only ever see me as a friend? Fuck, we just kissed. I shouldn't read too much into this. We just kissed. What is he supposed to call me so soon into this? …is there even a this?

"Yeah, dad. I know it's sudden but something came up, okay?" Danny asks softly, sighing again before he keeps going. "No, okay? I'm fine. Tell mom to call off the search party."

He's quiet as he listens to his dad talk and I watch him in the silence. He's chewing on his bottom lip, absent-mindedly playing with a strand of his hair. He twirls it around his finger, lets it go, and picks it up again. And he's beautiful. He's so fucking beautiful. I don't know how I went this long without kissing him. Without telling him how fucking beautiful he is. You're so goddamn beautiful, Danny.

"I'll call you when I leave tomorrow, okay?" he's saying, glancing my way in the silence. A smile tugs at his expression and he laughs softly. "Yeah, okay, dad. Love you too."

Danny hangs up the call and when he looks up at me, his face is still flushed. But he turns his screen off and we're both plunged back into darkness. I can't see how beautiful he is anymore but I still know he is. I'll never forget that he is.

"Sorry… my parents were just worried about me," Danny says softly, and he scoots closer to me on the bed. His hands brush against mine under the covers and he apologizes for his clumsiness. But I don't need his apologies. I want his hands on me. I want him to touch me and make me forget about everything.

I swallow hard, trying to choke down all of my own insecurities and I cough once – trying to disturb the quiet from where it's wedged itself in the middle of my throat. It's trying to choke me into silence and I don't want to let it. I don't want to be quiet anymore. Not when I've finally kissed him and he knows that I want him.

"I-It's okay," I mumble, and he must sense my hesitation. Because he puts his hand on my shoulder and without words, he asks to hug me. To draw me close to him. And I give him my answer by moving closer. And I can't stop from burying my face in his chest.

Danny's arms slide around my back and even though it hurts, I don't say a thing. Because he's holding me and it feels good. His arms around me and my head on his chest feels good and I never want this moment to end.

He smooths my hair down and I sniffle loudly in the silence, trying to kick the habit of being embarrassed because of my tears. He's here and he's holding me. He doesn't know the hell I've been walking through these past couple of days but he knows I'm in pain. He knows that all of this hurts.

"T-Tell me everything's gonna be okay?" My voice breaks on the question and Danny holds me closer in the quiet. He smooths my hair down and presses a kiss to the top of my head.

Danny gently rocks me back and forth, holding on to me tightly – like he's afraid I'm gonna disappear. But I'm the one that's terrified that when I wake up, this will all be a dream. Everything that's happened tonight will just fade away and I won't know how to deal with reality again.

"I promise, everything will be okay," Danny whispers and I think I lose it at that. It's hard to tell if the tears or the fear overtakes me first but I know I end up a mess in his arms and he holds me through it all. He never tells me to calm down or pushes me away. He just holds me and I cling onto him until I fall asleep against his chest, listening to the pounding of his heart to lull me to sleep.


I dream all night but nothing's concrete. Flashes and images play across my mind but they're never enough to stick around. I see Chuck's face at one point and Danny's another time. But it's my dad's that wakes me up. It's his face that startles me from a dead sleep and it's the reason why I'm sitting up in bed, shaking and panting like I've just run a marathon.

Danny sits up beside me, his hand instantly on my back. "You okay?" he asks, his voice groggy from sleep and though I nod, he doesn't lay down again. He keeps his hand on my back and I don't tell him how painful his touch is. Because it's grounding me back into reality.

"Nightmare?" he asks and I shrug, not really sure what to call it. It wasn't really a nightmare or if it was, I don't remember anything about it. I just saw dad's face and that was enough to wake me. It was enough to startle me into shaking and I don't know why I can't stop now.

He sits up with me, even though I can't explain why I'm shaking. Or even talk about what happened in my dream because there wasn't a dream. It was just my dad's face. And as soon as I saw it, I was fucking paralyzed with the thought that it was the last time I'd ever see it again.


When I wake up again, the sunlight's streaming in through my window. Danny's pushed the curtains open and I guess it's to make waking up easier. I don't know if it worked or if I woke up from the pain. But holy fuck, I'm in pain.

I can see my phone across the room and it's the only thing that pushes me out of bed.

My back hurts so fucking badly that just moving makes my breath catch and it's hard for me to even get up from my mattress. But I have to see if Chuck's called. I have to know how my dad is.

There are no messages waiting on me and he didn't call last night. I don't know if I'm relieved or just fucking terrified. I think it's some sick combination of both.

Pain is shooting up and down my spine with every step I take but I don't want to be alone anymore. If Danny's still here, he'll be downstairs. So I move across the room even though it's slowly killing me.

The scent of coffee is strong in the air when I leave my room and each step I take down the stairs makes me lose my breath. Halfway down the staircase, I end up sitting down to catch my breath but I get up and keep going.

As soon as I step into the dining room, I see Danny. Beautiful, selfless, kind Danny. He's sitting at the table, his hands wrapped around a mug and he's nodding at the person who's sitting across the table from him. I can only see the back of his head but I think I know who it is even before he turns around.

Alex glances over his shoulder at me and sighs. He looks like he's ready to bolt from his chair and run over to me but Danny speaks before he can make a move.

"I'm sorry… I didn't want you to be alone here over the next couple of days." His voice is soft on the words and he gives me an apologetic look when I shift my gaze to him.

He relaxes just a little when I shrug and I think we both know that he made the right call. I don't want to stay in here by myself. And even if things are fucked between Alex and I, at least I won't be alone.

Alex lets out a breath and stands from his chair. He closes the distance between us and puts his hands on my shoulders, holding me in place. Like I could even run away if I wanted to. I can barely walk down a set of stairs – what does he think I'm gonna do?

"What you heard last night wasn't about you. I have never thought about you that way. And you know it too. Because you know me better than that," he says, his voice not unkind but firm on the words. And I can't deny that it brings a lump to my throat that makes swallowing hard.

I nod, keeping my gaze downcast and Alex squeezes my shoulders gently. I think he's scared to hurt me because he gives me a sort of side-hug that does little to ease the aching in my chest. His arm around my back still makes me wince even though he's being careful and he lets me go as soon as he sees my expression.

"Sit down, I'll bring you some coffee," Danny says softly, leaving his chair to pull out one for me.

I cross over to where Danny is and his fingers touch mine as he leaves me. And I can't deny how it makes my heart flutter and the butterflies in my stomach practically skip. You kissed him. He knows now. He knows everything.

"You know you're staying with me, right?" Alex asks and he nods when I do. "Okay. I'll help you gather your stuff once you've had some coffee in you. Unless you want to shower or something before we go…?"

I shake my head and turn to Danny as he sets a cup of coffee in front of me. He's still wearing my pajamas but he's swiped a hoodie from my closet. It's a dark red one that looks good against his pale skin and I have half a mind to tell him how beautiful he looks. But Alex is sitting across the table from us. I might be brave but I'm not that brave. Not yet.

They both watch me as I add sugar and milk to my coffee and it's silent in the room as I stir both in. I try to find the bravery to speak but the words get stuck in my throat and never make it out of me.

Danny takes the milk when I'm finished and he leaves to put it back in the fridge. I turn to watch him go and I feel my face flush when Alex clears his throat. I'm forced to look at him or admit that I can't stop staring at Danny so I shift my gaze over to Alex's.

"Obviously a lot has happened over the past few days so if you don't want to go to my mom's for Christmas, I completely understand," Alex says, continuing before I have the chance to respond. "I mean it. It's not a big deal if you change your mind about being around people over the holidays. I know it'll be tough on you."

I don't really want to be around a bunch of people I don't know. But I don't want to be alone either. I want to spend the holidays with Alex and Anastasia and their mom and all their crazy relatives they're always telling me about. I want to know the Moreno family because more than anything, I want to be a part of their family. Even if it's just in my head and even if it's only for a few days, I want to pretend that they're all my family so I don't have to think about how broken my real one is.

"No, I… still want to go to your mom's for Christmas," I say softly, glancing up when Danny joins us at the table again. I watch him close his hand around his coffee mug but he doesn't take a sip from it the way Alex drinks from his. Danny just taps his fingers silently against the mug and chews on his bottom lip, driving me completely fucking mad.

Alex sets his empty mug back down on the table and exhales out a breath, nodding once. "Okay. I'm gonna give Kendra a call," he says, pushing back from the table when I nod. He slides his phone from his pocket and frowns at the screen for a few seconds before he looks up at me again.

There's a few seconds of silence between us but he disturbs it with another sigh and he leans over to put his hand on top of mine. "Everything will be okay. I promise you that," he says, squeezing my hand before he pulls back.

I try to smile or even just nod but I can barely respond past the lump in my throat. So I just drop my gaze to the table again until he leaves the room. It's just me and Danny then and somehow that makes it worse. The nerves flare up inside of me for an entirely different reason and I ache to feel his lips on mine again. To have his hands running softly through my hair and telling me that everything will be okay.

Danny scoots his chair closer to mine and in the silence of Alex's absence, I find the bravery I need to look up at him. He smiles instantly – not a pitying smile or one laced with sympathy. It's just a smile. The kind of smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes but there's enough happiness in it to let me know that it's real.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you before I called Alex. I just… started thinking about you spending the next few nights here by yourself and I couldn't stand it," he says, his voice losing strength as he talks. He takes my hand in his and I sink my teeth into my bottom lip to ground myself. "Dash… I hate the thought of you being alone or sad and… not being able to do anything about it. So please don't be angry with him or with me. We just… we both care so much."

He kisses the back of my hand then and if there was any piece of my heart left that wasn't his, it is now. I don't know when it happened or if he even knows that it did but he has all of my heart. He's worked his way inside over the past few months and it belongs to him now.

"I would have chickened out of calling him if you hadn't," I mumble, dropping my gaze from his when he looks up at me. I shrug, releasing a pent up breath before I finish. "So… thank you."

Danny's smiling again when I look up at him and it begs a smile from me too. Because he makes me want to smile. Because he's so goddamn beautiful when he smiles. Because everything in me likes everything in him and that has to deserve some kind of smile.

"I washed your clothes from last night with mine this morning. My dad was pretty cool about me not coming home last night but if I come back wearing your clothes, I think he's gonna have some questions," Danny jokes and it makes me laugh, even if it is a little nervously.

His parents will have questions about me soon. They'll wonder why Danny smiles a little brighter now and who he's hanging out with as often as I manage to drag him out. Everything will be different now that we've kissed. At least… I hope it will be.

"Hey, listen… Uh… a-about what happened last night," I mumble, flicking my stare up to meet his. That smile has slipped from his face, leaving behind a hesitant expression. I don't know if he's scared that I'll say the kiss was a mistake or if he's scared that I'll say it wasn't. I don't want to see this end before it's even begun.

Danny shifts his hold on my hand, staring down at our intertwined fingers like it's the only thing that makes sense in this world. I don't know what it's like in his head and in his world but in mine, we make sense. We make so much fucking sense. I want to make sense with him but I don't know if he feels the same.

The front door opens before either of us can say another word and before I think about it, I'm pulling my hand away from his. He looks up at me and when his eyebrows draw down, I want to apologize. I don't know why I don't want Alex to see us like this – he already knows that I like Danny. Maybe it's everything that happened last night that has me so fucked up. Or maybe I'm just fucked up and I need to stop overthinking everything.

Alex comes back into the dining room and he lets out a low breath before looking up at me again. When our gazes meet, I feel like he's looking over all the damage again. Like he's wondering how bad it is just based on the bruising alone.

"You ready to go?" he asks, his voice soft on the question.

I give a final glance at Danny before I nod. I don't know if I'm ready to leave yet but I don't think I want to stay here any longer. I just want to be with Alex and his family and forget that the rest of the world exists. I don't want to think about dad in the hospital or mom in Ohio with the brother I'll never know. I don't want to wonder if I mean as much to Danny as he does to me.

Danny looks like he wants to help me up from the chair when I stand but he doesn't make a move for me. Maybe he doesn't want to make me look weak. But I wish he'd just reach for me. I'd let him help me and I wouldn't care who saw.

"I'll get your clothes from the dryer. They should be done by now," Danny says softly, meeting my gaze before he turns to leave the room.

I watch him go until he disappears from my sight and then I'm left staring around the dining room before I finally manage to look at Alex. He seems like he wants to cross the distance between us and pull me into his arms but something is stopping him. Something keeps him from closing the distance and tugging me against his chest and I wish whatever it is would just let go of him for now.

"Do you need any more clothes from your room?" Alex asks me.

He catches my arm when I start for the stairs. "I'll get whatever you need, okay? You just stay down here and get dressed and then we'll go," he says, patting me on the arm once before he starts for the stairs.

I call up after him, telling him that there should be a bag in the closet at the top of the stairs that he can use for my clothes, and then he's disappearing into my room.

"Dash," Danny calls my name softly and I turn to look at him. He quirks one side of his mouth upward and extends out an armful of my clothes. "Here, you can get dressed now. Unless you want to wear something more comfortable."

I don't think I care enough to find something else to wear so I shake my head and take the clothes from him. I make my way into the master bathroom and I push the door shut behind me, my feet clumsy as I undress.

My shirt sticks to my back and I hiss when I peel it off. Fuck. I drop my shirt on the counter and get a full look at the damage from last night.

My upper arms have his handprints all over them. And my back… fuck, it's lined with angry, red welts mottled with white. The skin around each welt is puckered and gross looking – like at any minute, the skin will split apart and it'll all start to ooze.

The bruising on my face is worse today. It's along my jaw and across the bridge of my nose and there's blood crusted just underneath my nostrils. I really took a fucking beating last night and my face shows it. No wonder Alex has been hesitant since I came downstairs.

I leave the bathroom once I'm dressed but I leave my clothes from last night on the floor in the bathroom. I don't know when I'll be back here to wash them but I don't want to think about them right now. I just want to go with Alex and be around his family and forget everything that happened these past couple of days. Everything except Danny.

As if he can read my thoughts, he's waiting on me when I leave my dad's room. He's gotten dressed now too, the hoodie he borrowed from me thrown over his arm. He smiles when he sees me and it stirs that same nervous feeling in me. God, it's just a smile.

He silently holds the hoodie out to me and though I could easily take it and wear it over the next few days and remember how good he looked in it… he looked so fucking good in it. I don't want to take that away. I want him to keep it because no matter how I wear it from now on, I'll always remember how it looked on his body.

"You keep it. You… make it look good," I mumble, my face heating up at the same time Danny flushes.

He rolls his eyes but slips the hoodie on over his head again. He fidgets with the hem a little before he adjusts the drawstrings, taking a small step closer to me. Danny looks up to meet my gaze and I can't stop the nervous laugh from leaving me. I can't help it. He makes me nervous. And now that I can kiss him, it makes this whole thing even worse.

My back is to the staircase but I can hear Alex coming down it. And Danny steps back from me. I try not to think about his distance and instead, I turn to look at Alex. He's got a suitcase in one hand, and my phone in the other.

"Here," he says once he's close enough to me, holding out my phone for me to take. He slides his own from his pocket, frowning at whatever's on it. "Good to go?"

I nod when he looks up at me but I take a step closer to Danny, not wanting to leave him just yet. "Yeah, just gimme a minute. You go ahead to the car, I'll be out in just a second."

Alex looks between us and I don't know if he understands why I'm asking for him to go but he understands enough to just nod. He grabs my duffel bag from the end of the couch before he leaves the two of us alone, pulling the front door shut behind him. It takes me a few seconds to find my courage to look at Danny again.

He offers up a smile and takes my hand in his before I even have to reach for him. He swings our hands back and forth in the space between us and it's so fucking dorky that it makes me smile. It makes me snort and my reaction has him grinning.

"Thanks for… coming over last night," I say, my tongue far too big for my mouth in this moment. My words feel too soft on the thanks but I swear the meaning is there. Even if it somehow gets lost from the tip of my tongue to his ears, I mean it.

He pushes out a breath, nodding once, and I don't know if I'm supposed to be waiting on something. I don't know if there's anything he can say or what I'm really expecting. I just know that I want this to work. I want there to be a this and I want it to be so fucking good that neither of us look back.

"Danny, do you think…" I don't know how to ask it. I don't know if there's a way to ask it. If he likes me too, do we even need to clarify it? Do I have to have him say it specifically? Why can't I just be happy with the few kisses we've shared? Why can't I let that be enough?

I look up at him and I swallow hard before I find my courage. My voice shakes and I probably sound like a fucking idiot to him but I ask it. "Where do we go from here? A-After last night, I mean. I just… don't know what happens now."

Danny frowns just a little but he draws in a breath and shakes his head. "Don't think about that. We don't have to figure this out yet. We have time, Dash," he says softly, a tone of promise to his voice. Like we'll figure it out soon. But fuck, I want to have this figured out now.

"I don't want you to think too much about this over the next couple of days. You… you need this time with Alex and his family and you shouldn't have to worry about anything," Danny says, squeezing my hand in his before he looks up at me. "We both need just need to spend the holidays with our families for now. We'll figure out where we go from here, I promise. Just not right now."

I'm terrified that when we finally take the time to figure it out, he'll have changed his mind. He'll regret ever putting his lips to mine and I'll forever long to kiss him again. I'm terrified that if things don't change now, they never will. And I can't go back to just being his friend – not after I know what he tastes like and how good he feels in my arms.

"D-Do you want this?" I ask before I manage to stop myself.

Danny looks up at me and I swallow past the lump in my throat. I don't need him to tell me that we'll dive into this headfirst or anything. I just need to know that after the holidays are over, he'll still want me when we have the time to figure this out.

He exhales out a quiet breath and raises our intertwined hands to his mouth. Like that night in the back of Tatiana's beat-up mini-van, Danny kisses my knuckles. He presses his lips in between each knuckle and though it's the same as it was then, it feels different now. I feel like we're both mere shadows of the boys in the van that night and I think he feels it too. He's less hesitant with me now and I'm all clumsy limbs and pounding heart.

"Of course I want you," Danny breathes against my knuckles, pressing a final kiss to my pinky and I think it's that kiss that does me in. It's his words whispered softly against my skin and it's the thought of holding him all night again. Not tonight. Not any night soon. But some night, I'll have my arms around him and his body will fit perfectly against mine.


It's snowed overnight. It's the first thing I notice when Danny and I leave my house together. It's weird. Like all along, the snow's just been waiting on me to finally blanket the town. It wasn't snowing when I went to see dad last night. I guess the clouds broke about the time I did.

Danny waits with me while I lock up. And a shiver runs through both of us that has little to do with the snow and more to do with how closely we're standing to each other. But we don't comment on it. He just smiles when I look his way and I do my best to return it.

I try to walk down to his car with him but Danny argues with me the whole time, telling me that I'm the one in pain and I need to just sit. So I settle for hugging him beside Alex's car and I watch him walk down to his car alone before I get into the passenger seat of Alex's Charger.

Alex has the heat running inside his car and I relax into it as soon as I close the door behind me. There's an instant tension between us that I don't know how to respond to. I want to shy away from it – fill the car with words that mean nothing just to distract us both from the awkward silence. But I think Alex deserves more than that.

"I'm taking you to the hospital," Alex says, breaking my train of thought as he looks up from his phone. He barely waits for me to respond before he continues, making my breath catch in my throat. "You're not arguing with me about this and you're not going to change my mind. You're going to the hospital."

I don't want to go. I survived the night on painkillers, why can't I keep going that way? I don't want someone to look at the injuries dad's left on me while he's in a hospital room somewhere. Chuck still hasn't called… I don't want to get any kind of help until I hear from him.

"Did Chuck call you?" I ask, my voice soft on the question.

Alex sighs, leaning back in his seat as soon as the words leave my tongue. He's chewing on his bottom lip, his gaze out the window, when I turn to look at him. Frustration is clear in his expression but there's something to it that I don't understand. Some kind of resentment. I wonder if it has anything to do with me or if it's something with Chuck that I'll never understand.

"Yes," he finally says, his voice soft on the one word. He closes his eyes for a split second while I try to get my heart to stop pounding like crazy in the silence. Fuck, please be good news.

Alex turns away from the window and looks at me instead. "We talked on the phone this morning. He said Howard's out of critical condition," he says, a certain bite to his words. Like he hates even having to talk about this.

I let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding in and I relax against the seat. It hurts my back to touch the seat but I don't move a muscle, my mind running with a million thoughts. God, he's out of critical condition already. Fuck, I didn't expect this news so fast.

Alex clears his throat, adjusts his jacket a little, and clicks his seatbelt into place. He runs a hand down his face and swears quietly before he looks at me and nods. He waits until I've buckled my seatbelt before he shifts the car out of park and backs out of the driveway.

It's quiet as he drives out of my neighborhood but for once, I relax into the silence. Because I know that soon enough, he'll be pulling into the parking lot of the hospital and we'll have to talk then. We'll have to go over all this fucked up shit so for now, I sink into the silence and I let it soothe my every ache.


The hospital feels warmer than it did last night. Maybe it's because I'm not alone. Or maybe it's because I'm not here to see dad. Either way, having Alex by my side makes this easier. It eases the tension in my gut just a little. And when we have to sign in at the front desk, Alex handles it all for me.

When we sit down in the waiting room, he's the one to fill out the forms. He only has to ask about a couple of details, silently reminding me that he's done this for me before. He's signed me out of the hospital twice now but this is the first time he's helped me sign in and having him here for that part of it makes it easier to breathe.

Alex returns the forms to the receptionist and I keep my spot by the window, staring out into the parking lot. It's started to snow outside again but there's no telling how long it'll last. Snow tends to wash out the loneliness in this town so I hope it sticks around. But I think it's still too soon to tell.

We have to wait for someone to see me and I end up falling asleep on Alex's shoulder for a while. When a nurse finally comes to collect us, Alex rouses me from sleep. He waits for me to stand before he leads the way. The nurse that greets us smiles brightly before her expression slips as she gets a look at the damage on my face.

I follow after the nurse in silence and Alex falls into step beside me. His shoulder brushes against mine and I think he's trying to keep me in the moment. It works to ease the knots quickly forming in my stomach and I try to let that be enough. I try to let that keep me from panicking but I'm terrified it won't be enough.

"Okay, we can take you right in here." The nurse opens up the door to a small room. Alex lets me go first but he's quick to follow after me and the nurse is the final one inside. She pushes the door closed behind her and without anyone having to prompt me, I cross the room over to the bed.

While the nurse puts on a pair of gloves and finds a clipboard on the desk, Alex crosses the room over to me. I keep my gaze downcast, picking at my cuticles with my fingernails. I don't know why the tension is spiking higher in my chest but I feel like I'm on fire and I don't know how to come down from this.

"Why don't we start with what happened?" the nurse asks, coming to stand by the bed. She flips a page before she looks up at me, setting the clipboard down. "Was this some kind of accident or…?"

I swallow hard and look to Alex for an explanation. I don't want to have come up with something and I've always been horrible at it. And though Alex meets my stare, he doesn't say a word. He just holds my gaze and eventually I have to be the one to look away.

The nurse waits only a few seconds longer before she exhales. "I need to know what happened so I can help you better."

I don't want to tell her anything. Not about dad. Not while he's still in the hospital. Fuck, I haven't even seen him yet and Alex wants me to tell the truth about what he's done to me. How am I supposed to do that to him?

Alex sighs, shaking his head when I look up at him. His gaze is set away from both me and the nurse but he starts to talk. He starts to tell the same story I came up with last time. About how I was playing flag football and fell down into a ravine and… I don't want to hear it again. I don't think I can swallow down another lie and I don't want to ask that of Alex anyway. He's done so much for me, he shouldn't have to lie for me.

The nurse is listening to what he's saying and even though I could let this go on, pretend that it was just an accident, I don't think I can anymore. This hurts. He's in the hospital and it still hurts.

I think this whole time, I've been scared to come here. Cause I've been trying so fucking hard to convince myself that since he's in the hospital, I'm not allowed to hurt. But I don't think that's true. I'm hurting. And I think I should be allowed to.

"Alex," I call softly and he stops mid-sentence, his gaze shifting from the door to me. I don't look up at him but his hand on my shoulder is reassuring and it makes me want to do this even more. Even if this is the only time I ever admit it, I need to say this at least once.

I drag in a breath and I keep my gaze on the linoleum as I talk but I tell the truth. For once in my goddamn life, I tell the truth.

"He's lying because I asked him to but that's… not the truth," I say softly, picking at my cuticles again, trying to breathe past the panic that's rising in my chest. I don't know how to say it. I don't know the words I need to come up with to explain what's really happened to me but I know I can't leave that part to Alex.

The nurse slides her clipboard from the end of the bed. "Then what is the truth?"

It hurts to think about. And I know it's gonna hurt even worse just to speak the words out loud. But I can't keep this in anymore. I can't lie about it again.

"My dad… was angry with me last night."

I don't want to think about everything he did to me and how badly it hurt. I just want to forget that he ever put his hands on me. But I admitted the truth. It's out there now and I can't take it back.

Alex squeezes my shoulder gently and when I manage to look up at the nurse, her gaze in on Alex, her eyebrows drawn down. She looks like she has questions for him but she doesn't voice any of them, turning her attention back to me.

"We'll probably need an x-ray done on your jaw to tell if it's broken." The nurse stands from her spot, crossing over to where I'm still sitting on the bed.

She doesn't ask any questions about what specifically happened and I almost wish she would. She cleans away some of the blood that dried overnight and though it stings, the pain helps me focus.

When she's done all she can for me, she says someone will come for me soon to get x-ray's done. I watch her leave and when the silence falls in the room, it tears at me.

"Dash." Alex's voice is soft and he moves in front of me. He puts his hands on my shoulders and I look up at him, my breath sticking in my throat. His eyebrows are drawn down but I can see the pride in his expression as he talks. "I'm proud of you. I know how hard that was for you. But you were so brave and I'm… God, I'm so proud of you."

I can't swallow past the lump in my throat in time to stop the tears from forming in my eyes and he sees them. But he doesn't look at me any differently. He just pulls me against his chest and when I feel his warmth against my cold bones, I know I made the right choice. I'm so tired of hiding this and running from it. My dad might be in a hospital room somewhere but I am too. And that has to matter.


I'm sent for full body x-rays and the idea of an MRI comes up too. I don't know what any of it means but I go for the x-rays first. Alex goes down to the radiology floor with me but he's not allowed back in the room. So when my hoodie and shirt come off, it's just me and the radiologist technician.

The tech won't look directly at me when he sees the marks on my back. But he speaks calmly as he tells me how to position myself for the x-rays. And the anxiety that's been living in my chest for months sparks to life.

I don't want to be standing in this cold room just to find out if dad's broken anything in me. Even if these tests show nothing, I already know the truth. He broke me a long time ago.

When they've taken all the x-rays the doctor needs, the technician leads me back out into the hallway. He tells Alex we can go back to the first room they had me in and I follow Alex down the hall.

Alex's taken the lead and when I catch up to him, he's gotten an elevator for us. And as soon as we're standing inside, I lean my head against his shoulder. I think it surprises him. It surprises me too. I'm just so exhausted and my head is pounding. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

"I've got you." Alex's voice is soft on the words and I know he means them. Even before he slides his arm around my shoulders and tugs me closer to him. I don't know what I'd do without him. I don't have a fucking clue and it scares me. But Alex is here. He's here and I don't have to do this alone. And somehow, that makes this whole fucking thing seem easy.


I don't know how long Alex and I stay in the hospital room, him sitting in a chair across from me, and me sitting as carefully as I can on the bed. But it feels like weeks have gone by before someone finally comes for us. There's a soft knock on the door and Alex looks up at me. I shrug one shoulder and he turns to look at the door.

"Come in," he calls out.

The door opens slowly and when Chuck steps inside, I wish it was anyone else. This is too familiar. Chuck coming to see me in the hospital, Alex with me… I don't want to watch them fight again.

"Hey, how's it going in here?" Chuck asks softly, closing the door behind him. He directs the question toward Alex but he looks at me.

Alex exhales out softly. "Fine. He's had some x-rays done. Might be sent for an MRI, we don't know yet." He turns to look at Chuck and for a few moments, neither one of them say anything.

I expect shouting and anger and Alex getting up to shove Chuck. But it doesn't happen. Alex just nods toward the empty chair on his left and Chuck quickly takes up the space. I don't understand it. Just a few weeks ago, they were ready to tear each other's throats out. What changed?

"Have you guys eaten anything yet?" Chuck asks, making a face when Alex shrugs. "I can get you a couple of burgers…? There's a fast food place across the street."

Alex looks up at me. "You hungry?"

I don't know if I feel much of anything right now. Hunger's kind of taken a back seat amidst all this pain. But I think the two of them will worry if I don't eat anything.

"I could go for a burger," I say.

Chuck gets up from his chair. "Okay. I'll run across the street and get it. Anything else you want?"

I don't know how to ask it. But he's looking between us and I don't want to miss this chance. I'm afraid all my bravery will leak out of me before I get this opportunity again.

"Did they… have you heard anything more about my dad?"

Chuck hesitates, looking between the two of us again. Alex's gaze has drifted over to me and I can't look at him. I don't think he'll get it. I'm not an idiot, I know the shit dad's done to me isn't fair. But I have to know how he is.

"You heard he's out of critical condition, right?" Chuck asks, letting out a breath when I nod. "Then that's as much as I know."

I look up. "They haven't let you see him yet?"

He shakes his head with a frown. "No, they haven't. He's out of the critical stage but they're keeping a close eye on him. Having people coming and going from his room isn't the best thing for him right now."

I swallow hard, nodding as I drop my gaze to the floor. I don't know why I asked. It's not making me feel better. It's just driving this wedge of guilt deeper into my gut and twisting it a little more with every passing second. I shouldn't have asked. I don't have the right to ask.

"Do you think… they'd let me see him?"

I'm not sure that I mean the question. I don't know what I would do if the answer's yes. Do I even want to see him?

Chuck lets out a breath and when I manage to lift my stare, his is fixed on Alex. They're sharing something in this moment that I'm not a part of. I don't understand it and I desperately want to.

"I don't know. I could ask if you want me to," Chuck offers, finally shifting his gaze from Alex to me.

I chew on the inside of my lip. I don't know what I want. Fuck, that's a lie. I want my family back together and I want dad to have never put his hands on me or mom. I want to be with Danny and not be afraid that all my shit will be too much for him one day. I want my friends and all the people I care about not to spend their time worrying about me.

"Think about it. I'll go get you guys some food." Chuck gives me a smile and after one last look at Alex, he's out the door.

When the silence falls again, it's thick. It's tough to breathe through. I wish I'd never asked about my dad. Or maybe I wish we weren't here in the first place. Maybe I wish I wasn't here. If dad had listened to me last night… when he had his gun pressed to my forehead, if he'd pulled the trigger, I'd-

Fuck, I can't think like this. I'm here now. It doesn't matter what could have happened. All that matters is what did. I'm here in this hospital room now. I can deal with all that other shit later. Or maybe I can just bury it all in the dark corners of my mind and pretend it never happened. I think in all my years living with dad, I've gotten pretty damn good at that.


When we've finished eating the burgers Chuck brought back, the three of us just talk. Neither one of them will bring up the elephant in the room and I don't have the strength to either.

Alex is talking about one of his obnoxious uncles flying in for the holidays when the doctor comes in. She's a tall woman with light blonde hair pulled back into a low ponytail. She's got a pair of black glasses resting on her nose. She's got a look of concentration her face when she steps in the room.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Porter," she introduces herself, her serious expression giving way to a smile.

Alex gets up from his chair, extending his hand to her. "Alex Moreno." He shakes her hand, casting a glance toward me. "For all intents and purposes… I'm his guardian."

"I see." Dr. Porter adjusts her glasses, shifting the clipboard in her arms as she looks to Chuck. "And you are?"

"Getting out of your way." Chuck smiles, extending his hand to her too. "Chuck Dower, just a friend."

He nods to the door. "I'll get out of here, let you guys talk."

I watch him slip out of the room and I almost want to ask him to stay. But anxiety is twisting around my throat, cutting off all attempts at speech. Fuck, why did I let Alex bring me here?

"So you're Dash then," Dr. Porter says, crossing the room to shake my hand.

My hands are sweaty but I shake her hand anyway. I feel like she can hear how fucked up my breathing is getting. But if she can, she doesn't say anything about it.

Alex crosses over to the two of us again, sinking down in his chair. Dr. Porter sets her clipboard down on the desk and lets out a breath. She turns to look between the two of us, her mouth drawn into a thin line.

"Well, I have some good news. As well as some bad news… and some even worse news."

Alex looks at me, chewing on the inside of his lip before he addresses Dr. Porter. "Can we have it in that order?"

She nods as she turns back to her clipboard. She slides out several black and white photos before crossing over to the other side of the room.

I think I hold my breath as she turns on the light boxes above the sink. These are my x-rays. There's something bad about my x-rays. Fuck.

"So, the good news is – you haven't broken anything new." Dr. Porter turns to look at us with a gentle smile before she starts sliding the x-rays onto the light boxes. "Bad news is, you've fractured your left wrist. You'll have to keep it braced for a few weeks."

She takes a pen out of her breast pocket, using it to point at a specific part of the x-rays taken of my hand and wrist. "Here, you can see a hairline fracture starting in the scaphoid and extending just a little into the radius."

Dr. Porter takes one of the x-ray's down, replacing it with a different angle. "And here-" she uses her pen to draw an imaginary circle around one area. "You can see this dark, shadowy look to this part of your jaw. It's a bit of bruising on the actual bones in your jaw."

"But it's not broken?"

I think those are the first words I've spoken since Dr. Porter walked in the room. She turns back to look at me when I ask the question.

She shakes her head. "No, your jaw's not broken. Just badly bruised. I'll prescribe you some strong painkillers to get you through it. It's not going to be easy – bone bruises are really tough."

"What's the worst news?" Alex asks.

Dr. Porter looks at him. For a few seconds, she doesn't say anything – only clicks her pen twice. But she lets out a breath and turns back to the light boxes.

"Your rib is cracked in two places." She slides two new x-rays onto the light boxes. "And going from previous x-rays and what some of your other ER visits tell me… this isn't the first time your rib's been injured."

She turns to look at me with that and I drop my gaze. The silence hangs heavy over the three of us.

"I need you to understand something," Dr. Porter says, her voice calm despite the serious tone she's taken on.

I force myself to look up from the floor, my heart in my throat when I finally look at her again. She glances between me and Alex before she points to a spot on one of the x-rays.

"This is the first hairline crack you got this year." She drifts her pen a little lower. "Here's the second. They're so close together, you could easily mistake them for one joint crack. And just here, they almost do join but not quite. It unfortunately, leaves you with a unique set-up here, something we don't see a lot of."

"What's that?" Alex asks, his voice almost hoarse on the few words.

Dr. Porter spares him a glance before she's focused on the x-ray again. She draws an imaginary circle with the pen around the area she's talking about.

"This is now a weak point. Because these two cracks are so close together, if you were to get hit in this area of your rib again – it's likely that your bone will snap completely and puncture your lung."

Shit.

She continues despite the quiet state of shock she's left me and Alex in.

"Plenty of people survive punctured lungs but it's obviously not a position you want to put yourself in." She turns to look at me again. "Do you play any contact sports?"

It takes me a few seconds of silence to realize she's asking me. And suddenly my tongue's too big for my mouth and words won't come easily to me.

"I uh… yeah, football. I play the quarterback position."

Dr. Porter makes a soft noise before she nods. "Well, it's a good thing your season's out then." She turns back to the x-rays, gesturing to a specific area on my rib. "The first two of your vertebrosternal ribs on your left side show a little sign of damage as well. Though, thankfully, neither of the two have cracked. Part of the reason why-"

"Wait, are you saying I can't play anymore?"

She turns to face me. Clicks her pen again. Fuck.

"No, I'm not. But the next six weeks are crucial to healing. Any reinjury during that time could set you back by months – meaning you very well could lose the ability to play." She leans back against the sink, folding her arms over her chest. "Normally, given the state your rib is in, I'd have you fitted for a brace immediately. But I'm afraid that any outside pressure will only cause more harm and make a puncture inevitable."

Alex lets out a breath slowly and I can tell he's worried. Not that I can fucking blame him.

"Okay… so, what should be done instead?"

Dr. Porter lifts one shoulder in a shrug. "Just wait it out. After six weeks, we can reevaluate the situation. But until then, you need to seriously baby yourself." She looks back at me then, ticking things off on her fingers. "No sports, no rough play, don't trying lifting anything heavy, try not to do too many physical activities, limit your running for the first three weeks… essentially, nothing strenuous. Got it?"

Shit, this isn't gonna be easy. I've always gotten through pain before. And what I'm feeling in my rib – it's not the worst I've ever felt. It's mild. Manageable. But maybe it's a little more serious than that.

"I'll make sure he takes it easy," Alex says, nodding when Dr. Porter looks at him. "Is there anything we should do in the meantime? Any way to help with the healing process?"

"Taking painkillers as often as prescribed is a good start. Applying ice every few hours helps with the pain as well." She glances toward me for a second. "Make sure to take deep breaths quite often. You don't want to develop pneumonia on top of this."

Alex is quick to nod. "Got it. I'll make sure he does what he has to."

Great. Just what I need – Alex on me about this kind of stuff. I've survived things like this before. I've survived worse. This is… nothing.

"Okay, great." Dr. Porter gives him a thumbs up along with a smile before looking toward me again. "Is there anything else I need to know about?"

I hesitate too long to pass off a no. Alex has turned to watch me and the longer I stay silent, the harder it's getting to tell the truth. But I don't think I can walk out of here with my back the way it is. Not to mention, Alex would probably kill me if he found out.

"Yeah, my back… it's…" I don't know how to say it. I don't know how to put into words what dad did. He burned me. But this isn't like when I was a kid and he'd hold me in hot bath water to teach me to stop wetting the bed. This was… different.

Dr. Porter pushes away from the sink. She crosses the room to me but I can't lift my stare from the floor. This is hard. All the words are stuck at the back of my throat, aching to leave my tongue. But I won't let them. I can't let them.

"Do you want me to take a look?"

I swallow hard. And though my hands are shaking and I feel like I'm gonna vomit, I slide my arms out of my hoodie. I take it off and drop it next to me on the bed. I'm shaking worse by every passing second and I tell myself it's because of the cold. That this room isn't heated well and I'm just shivering. But it reaches a peak when I slowly lift the hem of my t-shirt and I can't deny it anymore. I'm not cold. I'm fucking terrified.

Dr. Porter makes a soft noise when I lift my shirt high enough for her to see. Alex leaves his chair then and I shut my eyes. I don't want to see his expression when he looks. I can't stop fucking shaking and I know he can see it. They both can.

"This needs to be treated," Dr. Porter says, her voice soft on the few words. "You understand that, right?"

I nod, heart in my throat the whole fucking time.

She gently touches my shoulder. "I'll have my nurse get a few things to treat this with. Just stay put."

I don't open my eyes but I hear her leave the room. And this whole fucked up thing hits me head on. I drop my head into my hands, my breathing shaky. Tears sting my eyes and I don't want to cry again. I always fucking cry.

Alex puts his hands on my shoulders and it only takes a second before I'm leaning forward, burying my face in his chest. He's careful how he holds me and I don't know if I can do this. I'm fucking terrified of how it needs to be treated. But Alex is here. I'm not alone in this. And maybe that'll be enough to get me through this. God, I hope it is.


Dr. Porter does things as gently as she can. But I'm still fighting back tears as she cleans the burns and applies a layer of cream.

Alex stands in front of me, holding my hands the entire time. If he wasn't, I'd probably jump off the table and get the hell out of here.

Sweat beads across my forehead as Dr. Porter works and every breath I drag in is ragged. It reaches a peak at one point and I think I'm yelling but I can't hear anything. Black spots are tinting my vision and I'm clinging on to Alex like he's a fucking lifeline. Fuck, I'd take a thousand cracked ribs over this.

Whatever cream the doctor applied to my skin has a numbing effect. And I can tolerate being touched a lot easier once it starts to kick in.

Dr. Porter wraps my back with gauze, being careful about how tightly she goes around my rib. And slowly everyone in the room starts to breathe easier. I don't know if I can do that again. Even though the doctor's telling Alex that I need to apply that cream every night before bed, I don't know how I'll survive it.

When they've done everything they can for me, we're left alone. And it takes me a long fucking time to put my shirt back on.

Alex doesn't leave my side. His hands are firm around my own and I think I need him more than he realizes. I think I'd fall apart if he wasn't here – holding me together.

Neither one of us has spoken a word since Dr. Porter left the room. But when I finally pull away to put my shirt on, Alex breaks the silence.

"Are you okay if I step out to get the discharge papers?"

I nod, carefully sliding my t-shirt on over the gauze. He doesn't move a muscle and I can't lift my stare from the bed. I'm too exhausted and worn out to feel ashamed over what just happened. I don't know how patients usually react to having their burns treated. I'm sure whatever their reaction is, it's better than mine.

Alex won't leave me and I can't look up. I can barely swallow past the lump in my throat and I think if I had any energy left, I'd fucking sob. Over the pain. Over Alex still wanting me even though I accused him of hating me. I'd cry for Danny and for my dad and for me too. Cause this hurts and I'm so fucking tired of hurting.

The door opens before either of us can make a move. I shift my gaze to the floor and I recognize Chuck's boots. He's hesitant when he comes in the room and closes the door behind him.

"Everything okay?" he asks and I don't know if he's asking me or Alex. I shrug anyway.

I feel raw. Like I've got nothing left in me. Like everything that was once in my soul has been ripped from me and taken far away. Emptiness. That's what it is.

Alex's voice is soft when he speaks. "I have to get the discharge papers. Can you stay with him?"

"Yeah, of course. Go ahead."

I don't need anyone to stay with me. But I don't have the energy to fight about it. One of them wants to stay with me? Fine, I don't give a fuck.

The door closes after Alex and I get my hoodie from the bed beside me. All of the bravery flooding my veins earlier is gone. When I was telling the nurse that my father's responsible for these wounds, I felt brave. I don't feel much of anything anymore.

"How you doing, champ?" Chuck asks, slowly crossing the room over to me.

I don't look up from my hoodie. "I've got a cracked rib, fractured wrist, and my back's wrapped in gauze cause my dad burned me." I look up then. Cause some sick part of myself has to see the expression he's got on his face. "How do you think I'm doing?"

Chuck grimaces. "I'm sorry."

Sorry isn't worth shit. It doesn't take back the damage that was done to me. It doesn't fix all the shitty things mom said to me. Sorry doesn't take me out of the hospital and sorry sure as hell doesn't give me a decent fucking family.

He doesn't know what to say when I don't respond. I can tell by the look on his face. But it's not my job to fill the silence. I'm sitting in a fucking hospital room. And all I can fucking think about is how dad's doing.

"Any news?" is how I choose to phrase it.

Chuck's expression shifts for a split second. He slowly lets out a breath and looks away from me. I don't know if Alex talked to him – if he asked Chuck not to tell me anything. But I deserve the truth. Even if it hurts.

"He's doing okay. Still really sedated but he's getting better."

It takes me a second to understand what he's saying.

"They let you see him?"

Chuck hesitates and I know the answer. Fuck, I can see him before I leave here. I can take the elevator to his floor and just walk in. I don't know if I want to. It feels too soon. God, it feels like it's been weeks since I've seen his face.

I put my hoodie on but I don't think the air conditioning is why I'm shivering. My heart's become a jack-hammer inside my chest. It's going to town on all my organs and I feel like I might puke. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want.

The door opens before I can make a decision. I don't know how long I've been sitting here in silence but Alex is in the doorway when I look up. He's got some paperwork in his hands as he steps inside but he doesn't close the door after him.

"Okay, that was easier than I thought. You ready to go?" he asks me.

I don't think I've ever been more ready to leave this place. But…

Chuck meets my stare when I look up at him. I feel Alex's gaze shifting between us. I know the unasked question he's thinking and I wish I was strong enough to answer him. But Chuck does it for me.

"I think Dash wants to see Howard first." Chuck turns to look over his shoulder and I steal a glance at Alex.

His eyebrows are drawn down and he slowly looks between us. There's something passing between him and Chuck that I don't understand. Alex doesn't give me a chance to figure it out.

"If that's what you want to do, then go ahead."

I look away from him then, chewing on the inside of my lip. I know he doesn't want me to do this. Fuck, he doesn't get why I have to do this. I don't even think I get it either. Am I such a horrible son if I want to walk out of here and never look back?

"I'll wait for you in the lobby," Alex says softly.

I snap my head up to look at him. He's got his gaze trained down on the paperwork in his hands, a frown creasing the skin between his eyebrows.

"You're not coming with me?" I don't think I mean to ask the question. But as soon as it's floating in the open air between us, Alex looks up.

He shakes his head, dropping his gaze to the paperwork again. It's not enough. Maybe I'm always pushing for answers I don't deserve or maybe asking for a little honesty isn't such a horrible thing. Either way, I push for it.

"Why not?"

Alex sighs heavily, looking up at me. "Because if I walk in that hospital room, I'll put his head through a wall for what he did to you."

It almost stings – the way he practically spits the words. But I guess he means them. Because he clenches and unclenches his jaw to keep calm.

Chuck calls his name softly and Alex gives him a look. It's like electricity is standing between them and I find it hard to understand. If this is about me – why do either of them care so much? And it's not about me, why are they fighting about it? What could be this bad?

"Look, I'm not trying to start something here – you've been through enough." Alex looks back at me, running his hand down his face. "But if you have to do this, I can't be there. I'm sorry."

I don't have to do this. And I think I'm too exhausted to anyway. Still… knowing where Alex draws the line is weird. I didn't think there was anything I'd have to do without him. But I guess even Alex has his breaking point.

I get off the bed and both of them turn to look at me. I let out a breath through my nose, liftig my stare to Alex. I shrug, not really sure if I'm making the right choice but either way, I'm making it. I think that's what matters. I'm the one deciding.

"Just take me home. Please."


When we get to Alex's apartment, Kendra has a pot of coffee on. I'm exhausted but I don't want to sleep. So the three of us sit in the living room together, drinking coffee. They show me old movies they insist are classics but every one is weirder than the one before it. Alex says I don't have good taste. I argue that he doesn't even know what good taste is.

Alex keeps me and Kendra updated about how things are going at his place via texts from Anastasia. Apparently it's pretty typical for Alex to already be at his mom's by now. Since his extended family usually comes to stay for a while, he and Anastasia are tasked with helping Tatiana cook meals in advance for that many people. But this year Alex seems to have escaped from that. I hope it's not because of me. But fuck, I'm just glad that I'm not there yet.

When the sun disappears from the sky and the night settles in, Alex makes omelets for the three of us. Kendra and I sit at the table as he cooks and she plays music from her phone that Alex sings along to it all – partially in Spanish sometimes.

It feels good to sit with them and laugh about things that don't matter. Kendra tells me about an old classic she wants me to see and Alex mocks it the entire time she talks. But they're both laughing as they play-fight and the smiles on their faces make me want to smile too. There's so much warmth in Alex apartment and my frozen bones are aching from how hard they've been trying to soak it in. But it's a good kind of ache. A really, really good kind.


We catch a few holiday movies playing on the television and it fills me with the kind of warmth and giddiness only this time of year can. I sleep through the last half of It's A Wonderful Life but Kendra assures me I didn't miss much despite Alex's protests that I slept through the best holiday movie ever.

As the night starts to wind down and as the exhaustion continues to pull at my body, I take a shower. Unwrapping the gauze is painful and I almost call for Alex to help me with it. But I don't. I can do this on my own.

My shower is shorter than I usually take because the water hitting my back is fucking painful. But I manage to at least get clean and that's something.

Alex has cut the television off when I come out of the bathroom and he's already blown up the air mattress for me. He looks up when I step into the living room and lifts one corner of his mouth in a tired smile.

"You ready to sleep?" he asks and I nod. I'll probably still be awake for a while but laying down sounds pretty good. I took some of the painkillers Dr. Porter prescribed before my shower. Hopefully, they'll knock me out for a couple of hours.

He stops me when I start for the air mattress. "You're sleeping in my bed tonight. Kendra and I talked about it and we want you to be comfortable."

"Alex-"

"No," he cuts me off and puts his hands on my shoulders. He waits until I look up at him before he talks again. "No, okay? I want you to be able to get up and down from the bed easily and it's harder on the floor. And the couch isn't that comfortable, I know that."

I try to shrug off his concern but he insists and I can't fight him. I'm too tired to fight with anyone. So I give in and I head back down the hall to Alex's bedroom. I hear Kendra talking softly with Alex in the living room and I think they're talking about me. But I'm too exhausted to stick around and listen.

Alex comes into his bedroom when I'm brushing my teeth. He's got something in his hands but I don't recognize it. But when he picks up a box of gauze sitting on his dresser, I know what he's here for.

I spit out a mouthful of toothpaste and wipe my mouth. "Can we skip it tonight?"

Alex looks up at me but I can't hold his stare for long. I don't think I can survive it again so soon. The thought alone makes my chest tight.

"Dash, the doctor was clear about this. You have-"

"Please?" I practically beg him and my voice comes out small and scared on the one word.

Alex hesitates for a few seconds before he lets out a breath. "Can I at least put new gauze on? So it doesn't ooze and make your shirt stick to the burns?"

Ugh, I forgot about that.

"Yeah, okay." I rinse my toothbrush and stick it back in the holder. Alex leaves the doorway and goes over to his bed.

I shrug my hoodie off when I'm close enough to him and ditch it on the end of the bed. He sits behind me and though it's painful, I get through it. It's nothing compared to what it was in the hospital.

When he's finished, he gently hugs me and part of me doesn't ever want him to leave. But I let him go.

He gets to the door before he turns to look back at me. He's got one hand on the doorknob, his eyebrows drawn down. "Everything's going to be okay. I promise."

I give him a nod but I can't bring myself to smile. This all still feels surreal.

Alex leaves, pulling the door shut behind him. I wait close to a minute after he's gone before I cross the room. I turn the light out, and crawl onto the mattress, every aching part of me more apparent now. It hurts just to lay down and I can only hope that the painkillers kick in soon.

I find my phone where I tossed it on the bed and even though I tell myself not to, I open up the conversation with Danny, staring at the last text messages he sent me. He hasn't sent me anything all day and I can't tell if he's giving me space or if he's trying to take some for himself. If it's for my benefit, it's pointless. I can't stop thinking about him even if I tried.

To: Danny

Hey

How's your day been?

It's too casual and I don't think it says how much him showing up last night means to me. But for now it has to do. I'll tell him everything else my heart is thinking but for now, I have to keep things casual or I'll burst at the seams from everything I'm holding in.

My phone vibrates almost immediately after my texts send and I can't stop a smile tugging at my lips.

From: Danny

I was just about to text you, haha. Guess you beat me to it

My day's been good. I was hanging out with my sister for most of it

How's it been with Alex?

God, it's just a couple of text messages. But it's Danny. And I fucking love hearing about his day and having him ask about mine. We had conversations like this before last night but I've kissed him now. It feels different now. Everything feels different now.

To: Danny

It's been good with Alex. He and his girlfriend showed me old movies I've never seen before pretty much all day. A lot of Christmas movies were involved toward the end there

What'd you and your sister do?

From: Danny

Nice! What movies did they show you? Me and my sister were making cookies and wrapping presents… typical "day before holidays" stuff, I guess :P

It sounds so normal. I wonder what he was doing last night that he left to stay with me. What I pulled him away from. Or how differently his morning would have begun if he hadn't woken up next to me. I wonder how differently his life would be today if I hadn't been the one to take him to the nurses' office when Blake threw that football into his face. Would we have ever met if he'd never been with Blake?

To: Danny

I don't remember them all. I know there was Roadhouse, The Princess Bride, and Die Hard

Sounds like fun with your sister

From: Danny

WHAT!?

Wait, I'm sorry. How have you NEVER seen Die Hard before?

To: Danny

I take it you're a fan?

From: Danny

Duh

Bruce Willis was hot

Still is tbh but considering he's old enough to be my dad, I feel like that's more than a little wrong lol

I snort quietly and drag the pillow over my face in an attempt to forget the fact that I'm fucking blushing. But it's not that easy to ignore so I push the pillow off and type back a response to Danny that's sort of cool. At least I think it is.

To: Danny

At this point, isn't he old enough to be your grandfather?

From: Danny

Shut uuuup!

Nobody likes to think of their idol as old

To: Danny

Didn't realize he was your idol

From: Danny

Nah, he's not. More like on my elevator list

To: Danny

Meaning…?

From: Danny

You know, that list of celebrities you have that if you're ever stuck in an elevator with, you'd have sex with them if the option presented itself

You do HAVE an elevator list, right?

To: Danny

I'm pretty sure most normal people don't

From: Danny

I'm pretty sure most people DO

You live a sad existence with no elevator list, Dash

I'll help you correct that soon

How does he have a conversation like this so easily? I kissed him last night and he's just casually talking about sex? How does that not stir things in him the way it does in me? Is everyone just better at conversations than I am?

From: Danny

How are you doing? Really, Dash… how are you?

Fuck. I wish he'd go back to talking about celebrity sex. I don't want to talk about me or the shit that happened yesterday. He doesn't know about the shit with mom. He saw the damage dad inflicted on me but he wasn't there when it happened. He didn't hear the things dad was saying to me. I don't want to tell Danny how I am because I don't want to make him worry about me. I don't want to tell him how I am because I don't even fucking know.

To: Danny

I don't know. Fine, I guess?

Alex took me to the hospital so I've got a refill on my painkillers for now

From: Danny

That's not what I mean

To: Danny

I know

But I don't know

It's hard. He's in the hospital. I don't know how to hate him right now

From: Danny

I understand

You don't have to be okay, Dash. I know all of this is hurting you. And it's okay

I want to be stronger than this. I want to be stronger than the kind of person that has tears in their eyes just from a stupid text message. But I'm not that strong. I've never been the kind of person that's had strength poured into their bones. I'm not made of tougher stuff. And I don't know how to not cry when I think of everything that's happened. I don't know how to keep it from fucking with me like this.

To: Danny

I want to be okay. I hate feeling like this

From: Danny

Someone once told me that we have to feel the bad stuff or we'll never really appreciate the good

If I hadn't felt all the pain I'd gone through with Blake, I never would have realized how good things could be with someone else

I never would have appreciated the way you kissed me last night

I didn't expect him to be the one to bring up the kiss but it makes something flare up in me when he does. Something stronger than sadness but not quite enough to overcome it entirely. I feel something deeper than my own pain but it's lacerated by my sadness and I don't know how to bandage the holes long enough to have this kind of conversation.

From: Danny

Point is… it's okay to be sad, Dash. It's okay to only feel the bad right now because you know you're making room for the good

Feel, Dash. Please feel

I don't know how to do anything other than feel. It's how I've existed my whole life and I don't know how to stop it. I was the kid that cried whenever I saw a dead bird on the sidewalk. My mom called me sensitive. My dad always called me a little bitch. I don't know if I'm both or neither. But I know that I feel weak when the tears overtake me and I end up with the pillow pulled over my head and sobbing myself to sleep.


My dreams are fragmented. Nothing really concludes, it all just bleeds over into the next dream again and again. I wake up a couple of times with my heart pounding and body aching but I manage to fall back asleep every time. And I don't fully wake up until half past ten in the morning. I can hear Alex or Kendra moving around in the kitchen but I don't want to join them yet.

I check my phone and though I wish for a text from Danny, it's Kwan's name that lights up my screen.

From: Kwan

Merry Christmas Eve! :D :D :D

Kwan's one of those people that gets ridiculously excited about the holidays in like October. His enthusiasm has always been such a huge impact on my own anticipation for the holidays. Even when dad was at his worst and I had bruises from his hands, we always celebrated the holidays. This is the first year that I'm away from my parents. And everything's gone to shit. I don't know if Kwan's enthusiasm will be enough this year.

To: Kwan

Merry Christmas Eve, too, you loser

I drop my phone against my chest and stare up at the ceiling, taking in breath after breath, trying to work up the courage to leave the bed. It's not a question of if I'll be in pain when I move but how much. Is it going to be the kind of pain I can shrug off and just use the painkillers to take the edge off? Or will it be the type of pain that completely cripples me and I have to take the painkillers around the clock just to survive?

My phone vibrates a couple of times with responses from Kwan and I take a few more moments to myself instead of immediately checking my phone.

From: Kwan

Hush, it's Christmas Eve! I get to be excited if I want to!

Also mom and I decided we're staying in Amity Park for the holidays. We were supposed to get on the plane last night and we decided not to. Mom's going after Christmas to get the money back but in the meantime, I'll be around when you come back

You said you're in Ohio, right?

Shit. I never told Kwan when I came back to Amity Park. Everything happened so fast yesterday, there wasn't really any time. Or maybe I didn't make time. Either way, he doesn't know everything that's happened. I feel like I'd be some kind of liar if I pretend that everything's not fucked right now.

To: Kwan

Not anymore

I came home yesterday. Sorry, I didn't get a chance to tell you

It's not enough. It's nowhere close to enough. Everything that happened after I came home is scratching at me. It's begging me to just tell him the truth and I'm holding my breath for no goddamn reason. He's my best friend. He's my best friend. He won't judge me for this kind of shit, he's never judged me for this kind of shit. But I'm scared. I'm so fucking terrified that I'm gonna ruin his holidays if I tell him what happened. I don't want to add anything to his mind right now.

From: Kwan

What happened?

Fuck. He knows me better than I know myself and it's really not fucking fair. I don't even have the chance to keep this from him because he already knows something happened. He knows I'm fucked and I don't know how to deny it. I don't want to deny it.

To: Kwan

A lot

From: Kwan

Do you need me?

He's always been this way. So fucking selfless, I can't even begin to imagine where that kind of strength comes from. But that's Kwan. It's what he's always been and always will be. He's selfless and I'm so fucking selfish, I would take him up on the offer in a heartbeat if I was alone. I would pull him away from his day and away from his mom just to come to me. Just so I wouldn't be alone. But I'm not alone this time. I have another selfless person in my life and he's looking out for me right now. I don't need to pull Kwan away from anything today.

To: Kwan

No, I'm okay. I'm with Alex. We're going over to his mom's place today. We're staying with her and the rest of his family over the holidays

From: Kwan

Good. I'm glad you won't be alone

Are you okay?

I don't want to say no and drag him down into this hell with me. But he deserves more than a lie and I can't bring myself to type 'yes.' It's a lie. It's a fucking lie and he doesn't deserve that. He's seen me at my worst before, he'll be able to tell when I'm lying. And I don't want to fucking lie.

To: Kwan

I think I will be

Everything Danny texted me last night is at the forefront of my mind and it tastes bittersweet. It's exactly what I needed to hear. What I still need to hear. I guess the expression 'the truth hurts' is right. Cause this fucking hurts.

From: Kwan

Is there anything I can do?

To: Kwan

No. I'll be okay, I've got Alex today and for the next few days

From: Kwan

Can I come see you?

I want to see him. I want him to know the damage that dad's done to my face and my body and not have it matter. But I'll be around Tatiana and her family and I don't want Kwan showing up in the middle of it all. I want to see him but I don't think today's a good day. And besides… he should be with his mom. Not looking after me again.

To: Kwan

Not yet, okay?

Things are just gonna be a little crazy today with Alex's family

After Christmas?

I don't want to pull him away from his home at all but I know that keeping distance will only make him worry. I have to let him see me at some point. Even I don't want to see the look in his eyes when he sees what dad's done to me or hear the concern in his tone when he asks me if I'm okay. I'm not okay. Not right now. But I think in time, I will be. At least, I hope I will be.


I leave the bed and do my best to ignore the fact that I'm moving so slowly because of the pain. I dress warmly because I know the chill in Alex's apartment is nothing compared to what it'll be like outside.

I can hear Alex and Kendra talking in low voices when I open the bedroom door. It sounds like they're sitting at the kitchen table so I head in that direction, trying to forgive myself for the time it takes me. My painkillers are in the kitchen and it'll only take an hour or so to fully kick in so… I'll be fine.

Alex is frowning down at a stack of papers I can see on the table spread in front of him and Kendra. They've both got coffee mugs half-full and I guess they've been up for a while. I don't know what they're pouring over together but I can see a lot of papers with money figures on it.

Kendra is the first to look up when I step into the kitchen but Alex is quick to follow. His frown disappears almost instantly and he runs a hand down his face, giving me a smile as he drops the papers back on the table.

"Hey, how'd you sleep?" he asks, pushing away from the table a little to face me.

I shrug, shoving my hands into the pocket on the front of my hoodie. "Like a rock," I say, feeling a little less guilty about the lie when Alex's smile widens. It's not that big of a lie anyway. I only woke up a couple of times.

"You want me to get you some coffee?" Alex asks.

Kendra starts to clear away the papers on the table but she looks up with a smirk. "If you left him any, you mean. Aren't you on your fourth cup of the morning?"

Alex rolls his eyes, but lifts his mug to his lips without a defense. "Anyway, Dash," he says, looking my way again. "Sit down, I'll get it for you."

"No, it's okay. I'm gonna… get my painkillers anyway," I mumble, dropping my gaze almost as soon as the words leave my mouth. I don't want to see the look on his face so I shuffle past him and further into the kitchen.

My painkillers are on the counter next to the stove and I grab the bottle before I get a bottle of water from the fridge. I can feel Alex's gaze on me as I swallow down two of the painkillers but I do my best to avoid looking his way as I pour myself a cup of coffee.

Kendra hesitates at the table for a few seconds before she gathers up the stack of papers and quietly says that she's going to take a shower. I know she's leaving us alone because Alex wants to talk about everything but I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I carry my coffee mug over to the table before Alex has a chance to come to me. If he's going to make me have this conversation, I don't want to have it standing up. So I collapse into the chair beside him and keep my gaze on my coffee.

It's almost silent between the two of us but I can feel the hesitation in the air. I know there's so much he wants to say and so much I probably need to hear. But I'm not in that place right now. I feel like I'm in a box made of fragile glass and one single tap will send the whole thing shattering down on me. I don't want to shatter yet.

"I know you want to talk about it. But if it's okay with you… I don't want to yet," I practically whisper, my gaze never lifting from my coffee. I watch the steam curling off and I breathe it in, trying to draw on some false sense of courage. "I just want to spend the next couple of days with your family and not have to think about… this."

Alex is quiet next to me and for a few seconds, I'm not sure if he's just gonna ignore what I want and try to talk about it anyway. But he gently puts his hand on my shoulder and gives me a little shake, expelling out a breath that sounds like he's been holding it in for a while.

"Whatever you want, Dash. I'm here if you want to talk about everything. But if you don't, there's no pressure," he says softly, his hand never leaving me. And I nod like I have something to say even though I don't. But he seems to get that. He seems to understand that I'm all out of words and he doesn't ask me for any more. He just squeezes my shoulder as gently as he can and effortlessly turns the conversation away from me.

He tells me about his family and how many of his relatives are flying in today and tonight. Which ones are staying at the house and which ones are getting hotels down the road. He tells me that his mom's sister has always been at odds with her because she's jealous that she doesn't have a family like Tatiana does. It reminds me of my own mom and aunt.

My mom has two kids like Tatiana. But in her eyes, she might as well just have one. And my aunt could never be jealous of her – she's too busy being angry with her for everything mom's put me through. I never asked for her anger but she brought it forward in my defense and I don't know if I should have thanked her for it. Looking back now, I don't know what I should have done when I was there.

"Dash?" Alex calls softly and when I look up, I realize he's moved away from the table. He's started to clean up the kitchen a little and he's watching me with a careful expression. Like he can see the glass walls set up around me and is worried that they might crash down on me, too. "You okay?"

I drag in a breath and let it out slowly, nodding before I take a sip of my coffee. "Yeah. Um… you think we could… go to your mom's place early today? I just… kind of want to get there before everyone else does."

Alex tilts his head to one side in a questioning way and sets his coffee mug in the sink. He turns the tap on and lets it run for a few seconds before he shuts the water off again and looks back at me. "What's up?"

I shrug, not sure if I have the words but knowing that I need to say something to make him understand. I don't want to be the odd person out. They all know each other but only Tatiana, Alex, and Anastasia know me. Walking into a room like that with people I've never met and with my face looking like this? I don't know if my glass walls can survive that.

"I just… don't want to walk into a room full of people I don't know. Especially… not with my face like this," I mumble, dropping my gaze from Alex's almost as soon as I meet it. I shrug one shoulder, taking a small sip from my coffee like it's some kind of liquid courage. "I don't know, I just… really don't want to have to explain this to a bunch of people."

Alex hesitates in front of the sink for a few seconds before he crosses over to me, placing his hand on my shoulder again. "Don't worry. You won't have to explain anything to anyone. But if it'll make you more comfortable, we'll go early," he says softly, hesitating a second before he tilts my chin up so he can meet my gaze. "I want you to know that my family won't care how this happened. It won't… change anything about you to them."

Every time I tell someone about the shit dad does to me or the way mom left me, it changes things. It's little at first but it always changes something. Kwan started picking up on my silence around our friends after I told him the truth when we were kids. Paulina spoke softer to me in the days after I confessed everything that's been happening to me. Valerie looked at me differently. Like I was breakable now. I don't know the rest of Alex's family but I don't want them to see me any differently. I know they will. And there's nothing I can do to change it.

"I already know that… it didn't change anything with Tatiana. She's… okay with it," I mumble, running a hand through my hair and pulling away from Alex just a little. He lets his hands drop to his sides and I let my gaze fall to the ground as I shrug a shoulder. "It's not her I'm worried about, it's just… the rest of your family."

Alex is quiet for a few seconds before he lets out a soft breath. "You never said anything about telling her," he says softly and even though I don't look up at him, I can guess the look on his face is some mixture of concerned. "She never said anything to me either."

"I didn't tell her not to." I don't know if she doesn't know that Alex already knows or if there's some reason why she didn't tell him. But it feels good knowing that she wouldn't say a word if I asked her not to.

I don't know where I go from here. I don't know what happens next. My mom doesn't want me. My dad's in the hospital. He's the reason I was in the hospital. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I think I might be numb to it all.

I just want to be around someone else's family for the next couple of days and get lost in all the holiday traditions they do. And maybe if they'll let me, I'll stay for far longer than the holidays. Maybe so I just don't have to be alone and maybe because they're the closest thing I have to a family now. Alex has always been so kind to me and I don't know if I deserve to intrude in on his family like this. But I don't want to go anywhere else. Not just because I don't have anywhere else to go but because there's nowhere else I want to be.


We leave for Tatiana's almost immediately. Alex helps me pack up everything I'll need for a few nights at his mom's place before Kendra calls him away. He leaves me in the living room and when the silence sets in, I find myself pulling my phone out of my pocket almost unconsciously.

It's a force of habit to take my phone out when I'm alone and I think that's how I'll spend the next couple of days whenever I'm around Alex's relatives. It won't be so bad around his mom and Anastasia but… there are gonna be so many people there I don't know.

To: Danny

I'm staying with Alex's family over the holidays. Not just his mom and sister but his aunts and uncles and grandparents and that type of thing

I don't know why I text Danny instead of anyone else. Or maybe I do. He knows how I feel about him so things are different between us now. But I don't think that's entirely it either. He calms me down whenever my thoughts are racing far too fast to think. It's always been that way with him. I don't know what's changed but something feels different this time. Like he's the only person in the world that really knows how to help me when I'm like this.

From: Danny

Sounds fun! You feeling a little nervous?

He knows me so fucking well. That's what's different now. He knows me so much more than he did when we first met. It's not that he knows me better than anyone else or that he's the only one who can help me. It's that he knows me better now. He can help me now. He couldn't before but he can now and I'm so fucking grateful.

To: Danny

Yeah, a little

I know his mom and sister but I've never met the rest of his family

From: Danny

I'm sure they'll love you :)

And besides, so much happens around the holidays, I'm sure they're barely going to notice you. Try not to worry too much about it – just ask people about their job or their kids or something and they'll start talking about themselves instead

He makes it sound so easy. Like I'm only worried about making awkward small talk with people I don't know. It's so much harder than that. It's not just the talking part. It's the part where someone introduces me. It's the part where someone sees my face for the first time and asks about the bruises. Even if they don't ask me – even if they just ask Tatiana or Alex – the question will still be out there. Someone will still have to ask what happened to me and there's a chance that someone might answer with my dad's name.

To: Danny

I don't know what they're gonna think of my face the way it is

It's already hard for me to be around people I barely know. Add in the bruises I'm sporting and I'm a complete fucking wreck. I don't know what I'm supposed to say or how I'm supposed to joke off the injuries I've got on my body. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know how to do this.

From: Danny

They're not going to think anything about it. And if they do, ignore them. You don't owe anyone an explanation, Dash. You wouldn't expect anyone else to explain something about them physically, would you?

I'm sorry this is so hard on you but if it's any consolation, I know that you can do this

I want to see things the way he does. I want to see myself the way he does. He thinks I'm strong. I know I'm not. He thinks I'm brave. I know that substance isn't found in my bones. He sees me as some kind of hero. I can only ever see myself as a failure.

From: Danny

If things get too awkward or anything, pretend that I'm calling you and step out for a bit. You can actually call me and I'll keep you distracted for a while

Sound good?

I don't know if that'll be enough to calm the pounding of my heart when I'm around everyone else but I think it could. If I let myself escape for a little while when things are too hard, maybe I'll be okay. Maybe I'll be as brave as he thinks I am.

To: Danny

Okay

Thank you

From: Danny

Always, Dash


Even though I try to let Danny's words comfort me, I'm still nervous on the way to Tatiana's house. Alex assures me that we're still earlier than most of his relatives but he warns me that Anastasia's already there. It's not her I'm worried about but I don't tell him that. I just nod and keep my gaze out the window.

I don't know why but I have this feeling – this sort of trepidation in my soul that tells me everything will be different once these next few days are over. That when I leave Tatiana's place, I won't be leaving it as the same person I'm walking in there as. And that's so terrifying and enticing at the same time, I don't know which to feel. So I feel a little of both the whole way there.

My stomach's in knots by the time Alex rolls his Charger to a stop at the edge of the grass in front of Tatiana's house. For the next few days, this is my temporary home. I don't know why but there's a hesitation in all of my movements. Like I'm terrified of Tatiana seeing me this way. Like her compassion will suddenly turn to apathy the moment she lays eyes on me. And it makes the breath catch in my throat and I know both Alex and Kendra hear it.

When I manage to lift my gaze, Alex is watching me in the rearview mirror. He shifts his stare from the mirror to Kendra, nodding once at her and she seems to understand. Without any words passing between them, she gets out of the car and goes to the trunk to get out the bags.

Alex unbuckles his seatbelt and turns around to look at me. He puts a hand on my knee and waits until I look up before he speaks, his voice clear and firm with every word he says.

"If you want to leave at any point, you just let me know. The apartment's only twenty minutes from my mom's place, it's not a big deal if you want to leave." He watches me, waiting until I nod before he continues. "You're okay, Dash. I'm gonna be with you whenever you need me. If it all starts to be too much, you come to me and we'll get away from it all for a while, okay?"

I nod again and though I don't think he's convinced, I unbuckle my seatbelt and climb from the car. My stomach has dropped to my knees and I can barely breathe as my hands start to shake. I know that Tatiana's a good person and I know that she wouldn't intentionally try to hurt me but… god, I just don't know how I'm supposed to deal with it if she doesn't care that my face looks the way it does.

Kendra looks up when I meet her at the trunk and she expels out a breath that hangs in the air. She glances up to where Alex is getting out of the car before she looks back at me, her eyebrows drawing down. "You as nervous as I am about walking in there?"

She pushes away from the trunk and closes it. "I haven't been back here in a long time. The people inside there are like a second family to me but it's been years," she practically whispers, darting a nervous glance up to Alex. "His family became mine when things got serious between us and I've really missed them but… until things were fixed with me and Alex, I knew I could never come back."

I want to ask her what happened between them. Not just because I'm curious but because I think it might help her. I think getting all that out of her head will make her breathe easier the way that telling Alex my shit has helped me before. But I don't know how to ask without sounding like the questions are for me.

Kendra smiles and exhales out again before picking up one of the bags. "Now or never, huh?"

"You two ready?" Alex asks as he comes around to the back of the car. He slides his arm around Kendra's back and presses a kiss just behind her ear before he looks at me, nodding once. I return the nod and drop my gaze to the ground, not entirely sure I'll be able to move an inch from the nerves locking up inside my bones.

Despite the fear eating me alive, I follow after Kendra and Alex. I walk on the driveway beside the snow-covered grass and I keep my gaze down because I'm scared to look up. If I'm not watching my feet, I'll trip or lose my footing and I won't know how to recover from it.

We shuffle onto the porch and Alex rings the doorbell even though this is his home too. Maybe it's a formality. Maybe it's because Kendra and I are with him. Either way, the sound of the bell awakens the nerves in the pit of my stomach and I try to stop them from exploding into my veins.

Anastasia's the one to answer the door. She's got the neck of a beer bottle crooked in between her fingers and she gives Alex a dirty look when she sees him through the screen door.

"Look at you. Finally crawling over here to help. To what do we owe this honor, your majesty?" Anastasia asks, doing a mock-bow before she cracks up at the look Alex is giving her.

He scoffs and I can hear the playful tone to his voice as he talks. "Shut up, Ana. Are you going to let us in or do I have to push my way in?" he asks, already looking like he's ready to do the latter. "Isn't it a little early to be drinking?"

Anastasia shrugs, pushing open the screen door. "It's five o'clock somewhere," she mumbles, beckoning us inside with a wave of her hand. "Come in. Mom's just finished a batch of cookies and she'll need taste-testers."

"Is she trying to achieve Grandma'scookie recipe again?" Alex asks, shedding his coat as soon as he's inside. He grins when Anastasia groans. "She's never going to stop, you know that, right?"

She gives another groan in response before she lifts her bottle to her lips and swallows back a sip. When she pulls the bottle away from her lips, she spies me first and though her expression reads like a wince, it quickly disappears when she turns to me.

"I didn't think Alex was ever going to bring you around," Anastasia says, leaning over to put her hand on my shoulder. "I'm surprised you survived so long at his place. I would have been bored to tears at this point."

Alex pushes her gently away from me, giving her a look that reads less like irritation and more like a warning. I don't know if he's warning her against hurting me or against teasing him but she backs down either way.

Kendra clears her throat softly and when Anastasia looks at her, Kendra lets out a breath slowly. "Here. I know Tatiana likes white rioja,so… I brought a bottle," she says softly, holding the bottle out to Anastasia.

For a few seconds, Anastasia just stares at her – like she's waiting for Kendra to pounce. Like she's waiting for Alex to say something or maybe for Kendra to speak and the silence stretches on between the four of us. Until Anastasia finally breaks it by dragging in a breath.

"Fuck," she says, taking the bottle and immediately passing it and her beer to Alex. She pretty much drags Kendra into a hug and if Kendra's surprised, she hides it well. She smiles brightly, embracing Anastasia.

Anastasia groans, pulling away from Kendra and swiping roughly at her eyes. "Fuck. I knew you were coming but it's been fucking forever," she says, meeting Kendra's stare after only a few seconds of silence. An understanding passes between the two of them that makes Alex sigh and I feel like I've missed something.

"God, mom's been so nervous about you coming today. She keeps cleaning and recleaning things and I've been trying to remind her that you practically lived here but she's not hearing me and-" Anastasia stops suddenly, dragging in a breath again before she grins wickedly, snatching her beer back from Alex. "Guess what I'm trying to say is, it's good having you back. Alex is gonna be way more tolerable this year now that he's not pining after you anymore."

Alex rolls his eyes and leans over to snatch Anastasia's beer. "Merry Christmas to you too," he mutters, swallowing back a few sips of her beer before he passes it back to her. "Where is mom anyway?"

Anastasia cocks her head to one side, like she's listening for something, before she's suddenly calling into the next room. "Mama, Alex is here!" she yells, waiting for a few seconds before she rolls her eyes and looks at Alex. "Why does she never listen to me?"

He shrugs, a smirk playing up his features. "Maybe because you're boring?"

Anastasia rolls her eyes, punching him on the arm before she waves us on to follow her. "Come on, we'll have to go find her. Uncle Carlosis already here and he brought his new wife," she says, turning around to give Alex a look. "Ya sabes, el que odiamos con los pechos falsos?" (1)

"Great," he mumbles, shaking his head before he lets out a breath. "What's she complained about already?"

She scoffs, continuing on toward the kitchen. "Too much to count. You know she bitched at Carlostheir entire honeymoon cause she thinks he should have taken her to Barcelona instead? Ella está loca si me preguntas," Anastasia says, waving her hand at the mere idea. (2)

I have no idea what Anastasia's saying but Kendra smiles at me warmly and whispers that she'll explain later and I'm grateful that she's here. I have a feeling that Alex talks in Spanish a lot more around his family than he does around me. I already feel so out of the loop by not knowing who they're talking about. But to not know the language? I feel a little lost trying to keep up with the three of them.

"Mom, Alex is here," Anastasia says as soon as the four of us step into the kitchen. I'm behind Alex and though I chance a look up to see Tatiana, I can't see her past Alex or Kendra.

Tatiana mumbles something softly under her breath before Alex moves just a little and I can see her. She's wearing a blue and white checked dress, an apron on over top it, and she smiles when she sees Alex but almost loses her footing when she sees Kendra.

Just like Anastasia, for a moment, Tatiana freezes. She just stares at Kendra like she's not sure that what she's looking at is real. But the momentary silence ends with a broad smile on Tatiana's face and her pulling Kendra into a hug.

"Oh dear," Tatiana whispers softly, patting Kendra on the back. "It's been far too long, miel."

Kendra practically melts into the hug and I know that feeling well. Tatiana tends to have that effect on me and I saw it with Danny too. She's the kind of person that just draws you in and when she hugs you, it feels so fucking right.

Tatiana pulls away from Kendra, smiling brightly at her, and patting her on the cheek before she drops her arms from her. "It's good to see you again. Mi chico te ha echado mucho de menos, sabes." (3)

Alex tsks softly and Tatiana looks at him, her smile never losing its brilliance. Until she notices me.

She immediately leaves Kendra's side and crosses over to me. And I don't know why but just before she reaches me, I take a step back. Like I don't want her to touch me. Even though all I want to do is be wrapped up in her warmth and held close, I step back and she stops a few paces from me.

Tatiana's wringing her hands when I manage to look up at her and her expression is painted with every shade of concern and worry there is. She looks like she wants to reach out and touch me or ask me what happened. But one look in her eyes and I know she understands. It comes with the territory of being Howard Baxter's son.

"Dash," she breathes, reaching for me in the silence that's encased the kitchen.

I try to swallow past everything washing up in the back of my throat but it doesn't work. It doesn't take away the tension in my body and it doesn't ease the fear ringing in my bones. I can barely look at Tatiana and behind her, I see the other three in the kitchen distancing themselves from us. Like they're giving us a bit of privacy in an otherwise public moment. And even though it hurts and even though I'm scared, I speak. Not because I suddenly get over the way I feel or because I'm braver than my emotions, I speak because she deserves it. Tatiana's been there for me so many times and I know she deserves something more than a shitty silence from me.

"H-Hi," I say, my voice coming out broken and pathetic in the silence. My hands are shaking and my heart's in my throat but I manage to meet Tatiana's gaze and step just a little closer to her in the silence.

That one step is all she needs and she closes the distance between us, scooping me up into her arms and squeezing me against her. She holds me tightly, not leaving even an inch of space between us, and she sways back and forth.

"Oh miel. I'm so sorry," she whispers softly and that lump in my throat is harder than ever to swallow past. With my face buried in her shoulder, it makes it easier to hide the tears brimming in my eyes and I sniffle quietly against her.

Tatiana sways with me and I slide my arms around her back, clinging on to her like I belong to her. Like she's the one I'm supposed to come home to every night even though that should be my parents. But I don't think I have either one anymore.

"Oh cariño, no sabía, no sabía," she whispers softly to me, pulling away to put her hands on either side of my face. Tears are welled up in both of our eyes but hers are spilling down her cheeks and mine are barely out of my eyes before she's wiping them away, shaking her head as she talks. "Cariño, habría estado allí. I didn't know," she whispers again before bringing me back in for another hug. (4)

I don't understand what she's saying but it makes me choke just the same. With her arms around me and the warmth of this house compared to my empty, cold one it's enough shock to my bones to shake tears from me.

She holds me even tighter when I start to shake and I know I should be stronger than this but I'm not. I'm just not. And even though I should be ashamed or I should shy away from the tears free flowing from me, I can't find it in myself to pull away. Because her arms around me are so warm and I've always been so fucking cold. It hurts. It helps. And I think that all my time with the Moreno's will be a little of both.


Translations:

1: Ya sabes, el que odiamos con los pechos falsos = You know, the one we hate with the fake boobs

2: Ella está loca si me preguntas = She's crazy if you ask me

3: Mi chico te ha echado mucho de menos, sabes = My boy has missed you so much, you know

4: Oh cariño, no sabía, no sabia = Oh honey, I didn't know, I didn't know

4: Cariño, habría estado allí = Honey, I would have been there


A/N:

YOOOOOO! I know I say this every time but it feels like FOREVER since I started editing this chapter! It's so different than the original version of this chapter but trust me – that's a good thing here

Hello and welcome to the fresh hell of this chapter lmao. WHAT DO YOU THINK? Any thoughts about the budding forgiveness between Chuck and Alex? Thoughts on the hospital stuff? Whaaaatcha think of the kisses and cuddles Danny shared with Dash?

I'm dying to know any and all thoughts about this chapter so please let me know whatever you're thinking. I spend so much time in my own head working on these chapters that it's nice to hear what other people think about it

The title of this chapter comes from the song The Devil In My Bloodstream by The Wonder Years. This is pretty much an Alex song in my head because it SO fits his backstory. But I feel like it fits this chapter really well

Anyway, that's all I have to say for this update. As always, thanks so much for reading it and letting me know what you think. Next chapter brings holiday fun, awkward small talk, and angst – oh the angst

See you guys next update!