I don't know if it's the sun streaming in through the window above the bed or if it's the noises from downstairs but either way, I wake with a start. I hear someone downstairs laugh loudly and I lift myself up onto one elbow, reaching underneath the pillow for my phone to check the time.

When ten stares back at me, I flop back against the pillow and groan at the pain it causes me. I don't know if Tatiana will need help in the kitchen today but if she'll let me, I'll hide out with her all day. I don't mind the rest of the Moreno family. I just don't belong in it.

I switch my phone volume on and check the few text messages that Danny and Kwan have sent me, along with several typical holiday texts from my teammates and Paulina. Danny's is a follow-up to our conversation last night, just offering more support, and I don't know how to respond so I don't. Kwan's is about Christmas but there's just enough concern woven into his message, I know I'll feel shitty if I don't respond.

From: Kwan

Merry Christmas, Dash! I hope things go well today and that I get to see you soon. I miss hanging out with you :)

To: Kwan

Merry Christmas to you, too. I'll let you know when you can come by but it might be a while. It feels like Alex's entire extended family is here for the holidays. I miss hanging out with you too

I'm okay though, just so you know

I don't want to lie to Kwan but I know him. He'll worry about me until his whole day is ruined with thoughts of my pathetic, stupid angst. He's my best friend but he shouldn't have to worry about me the way he does. And if I can ease that feeling at all in him, I'll lie if I have to.

From: Kwan

Just so YOU know… I can always tell when you're lying. But if you don't want to talk about it right now, I get it and it's okay. I just care about you a lot and I want to help

Fuck, even when I'm trying to ease the worry sitting on my best friend's shoulders, he can see right through it. He knows me too well. Or maybe I'm too damn predictable. It's the same old shit with me. Something happens and I fuck up. I break. I can't stop myself from spilling all my shit in someone else's arms and expecting them to help me out of the mess.

From: Kwan

I know you're trying so hard and I'm proud of you for not just sticking around him. He doesn't deserve you over the holidays

Kwan's been so busy these past couple of days, I don't know how much he's paid attention to the news. But something tells me that he doesn't know. He hasn't brought it up yet and I can't tell if he's trying to avoid the topic because he doesn't want to bring it up or if it's because he doesn't know.

To: Kwan

You seen the news lately?

From: Kwan

No, why?

Shit, he doesn't know. He's telling me how proud he is of me cause I've walked away from dad for the holidays but he doesn't know. He thinks I'm being brave. He thinks I'm drawing on my strength. He has no fucking idea how weak I've been these past couple of days.

To: Kwan

My dad's in the hospital. He was shot

From: Kwan

What the hell?

He calls immediately and the ringing is so loud, it startles me into dropping my phone. I mumble a swear under my breath and grab my phone, declining the call after a couple of seconds. I flop back against the pillow and let out a low breath, trying to figure out what to say to him about this.

To: Kwan

I don't want to talk right now, okay?

Later, I'll tell you everything. I just don't want to talk about this shit right before I'm gonna be around a bunch of people

From: Kwan

Of course, I totally get it

Jesus, Dash. I'm really sorry

I don't know if I deserve his sympathy anymore. Not after where my mind was going last night. I wanted my dad to not be okay. It makes me a shitty son but part of me still wants it. Even though morning has come and the darkness is gone, a part of my soul is still smothered in that blackness. That selfishness.

There's nothing for me to say to Kwan anymore. Everything I want to say about this is too painful to write out or say out loud. I don't want to tell him what I was thinking last night because I don't want him to look at me differently. I don't want him to see that selfishness inside my soul.

A light knock on the door startles me from the silence I've been locked into. The doorknob turns and when the door opens, Alex slips inside. He pushes the door shut behind him and gives me a soft smile when he looks at me.

"Hey," he says, pushing away from the door. He wanders over to me, making it look unintentional. But when he sinks down on the end of the bed, I know there's nothing else he could be in here for. Even though all his shit's in here, he's only coming back for me.

I try to look less bruised but it's hard so I settle for giving him what I hope is a convincing smile. "Hey," I mumble, running my hand down my face despite the pain it brings. "What time did you get up?"

Alex shrugs, leaning back on his hands. "Around eight, I think? Whenever my cousin woke up because her kids were being loud," he says, a wry smile on his face. "They were way too excited about Christmas. They've been playing with their gifts all morning."

"Yeah?" I ask, a real smile easing onto my face now. "What about you? You get anything to play with, too?" I joke and Alex laughs softly.

He shakes his head, sitting forward. "I haven't opened mine yet. We all decided as a group to wait until you were awake. The kids have already opened theirs because trying to get them to wait would have been impossible. But the rest of us have just been up drinking coffee and helping mom prepare for today's lunch and dinner."

They waited for me? What the hell does he mean they decided to wait until I was awake. I didn't ask to be a part of that side of Christmas. Hell, I didn't ask to be a part of anything. I just wanted a place to sleep and heal from dad's latest damage.

"You uh… you didn't have to wait for me. I… didn't manage to get any of you anything yet," I mumble, gingerly sitting up and running a hand through my hair as I shrug. "I meant to but I just… didn't get a chance to."

Alex scoffs. "Dash, none of us expect anything from you. I know you haven't had a chance to get anything. And we don't expect you to, either. We just decided to wait because you should be a part of this too," he says, hesitating only a few seconds before he puts his hand on my shoulder. "Besides… there's no way in hell mom would let you go the entire day without opening your presents."

I remember Alex asking me about what I wanted for Christmas a few days ago. But I didn't think any of them would actually get me anything. Fuck, I can't remember what Christmas was like at my place but I'm pretty sure I don't normally fucking tear up at the thought of getting a present. It's not about whatever the hell they got me, it's that they got me something. They thought of me when they were Christmas shopping.

"I didn't realize you guys had gotten me anything," I admit, keeping my gaze on the blankets as I fidget nervously with my phone.

He makes a soft noise in the back of his throat. "Of course we did. Though one of our presents is kind of a joint thing…" he muses, scratching the stubble on the underside of his chin. He catches me watching him and drops his hand with a smile. "You'll see soon enough. But yes, we got you gifts. Of course we got you gifts, Dash."

I can't remember the last time anyone other than my friends or my parents gave me something. I know Danny fucking spoiled me on my birthday last month but that didn't feel the same as this does. That was Danny. This is an entire family that shouldn't care about me this much.

"None of you had to do that," I mumble.

Alex huffs out a sigh and gets up from the bed. When I manage to glance up at him, he's frowning and his arms are crossed over his chest. He stares at me for a few seconds before his expression softens, accompanied with a sigh.

"I know we didn't have to, Dash. We did it because we wanted to. So don't think for a second that you're getting out of this, alright? You're a part of this too so you're opening your gifts," he says, a smile breaking the serious expression on his face. "Not to mention, my mom will kill me if I let you out of this."

That drags a laugh from me. I guess since I can't hide out from this, I might as well do it. He steps back as I get up from the bed.

"Oh, by the way," he says, earning my attention again. "Kendra realized this morning that we forgot to pack your brace." He nods to the dresser. "I put it there for you."

I don't want to wear that thing. Not in front of everyone. The bruises are enough – there's no reason to drag a brace into this. And besides, my wrist doesn't hurt that bad.

"Thanks," I mumble, but I think he can tell I have no plans of wearing it. I say something about getting dressed before going downstairs but Alex stops me. His hand on my shoulder is gentle and though he doesn't say anything, I know what he wants.

"It barely hurts," I lie, taking my shirt off anyway. A shiver runs through me at the sudden cold. He delicately peels the gauze away from my back and the noise that he makes has me wincing. I wish I could see the full damage but I couldn't in the bathroom mirror last night, no matter which way I twisted.

I let out a soft breath, rolling my shoulders once before I ask it. "Does it look any better?"

"Not really," Alex says softly, letting out a quiet breath. "If you want… something oversized, I think there's a couple of t-shirts in the back of my closet if you want to wear one of them."

At this point, I'll wear whatever. But considering I'll be around people for a while, I should probably wear something comfortable. And most of what I've packed is way too fitted to wear all day.

"Okay. That sounds comfortable," I mumble, scratching the back of my head as I drop my t-shirt onto the floor. Alex moves from behind me and I drag my bag up onto his bed, digging inside until I find a pair of jeans.

"You sure you want to wear those?" Alex asks. He's standing in front of the closet when I look up at him. He nods to the jeans in my hands. "You should probably wear something more comfortable… don't you think?"

I probably should. But as it is, I'm already gonna wear a t-shirt that doesn't fit. Dressing in sweatpants is pushing it for me. I don't like lounging around in sleepwear.

"I'll be fine," I respond, dropping the jeans onto his mattress.

Alex passes me the t-shirt. "Alright. I'll wait for you in the hallway so you don't have to go downstairs alone."

I don't have words to say how fucking grateful I am for that. Cause walking into a room full of mostly strangers with my face looking like this? I don't think I'd have the nerve to do it by myself.

The door closes behind him and I stand in front of the bed, holding the t-shirt in my hands. I don't know why I'm hesitating or what I'm waiting for. I just know that the tension in my chest isn't making it easy to breathe.

I slide the jeans on and pull the t-shirt on over my head. I grab my phone from the bed, telling myself that it'll be okay. That this whole situation won't be too awkward. And even though my heart's pounding out of my chest and my brain is screaming at me to stay put, I leave Alex's bedroom.

He's waiting out in the hall and asks me a question with just a look. I give my response with only a shrug but I think he understands. We start down the hall together and I fall behind when we reach the stairs. My body aches with every step but I follow him down the staircase and try to pretend that I can't hear my heartbeat in my ears.

"Mom's finishing up a pie so we'll open gifts after that," Alex tells me as he stops at the bottom of the staircase. He looks back up at me and I nod, even though I'm far from sure about any of this. I'm not a part of this family. I shouldn't be here, doing these kinds of things with all of them. But I don't think any of them will let me out of it.

Alex leads me to the dining room where people are gathered around the table. It's nothing on the crowd that was here last night. But the room still holds more people than my pounding heart knows how to deal with.

I can hear Christmas music playing from somewhere in the house and it brings a flush of nostalgia to the back of my throat. I remember when I was a kid and Christmas was a big deal. Mom and I would make cookies. Dad would take a whole week off work to spend with us. It was nice. At least… back then it was.

"Dash, come save me from this boring conversation," Anastasia calls out to me, pulling out the empty chair next to her.

I freeze up when a couple of people turn to look at me and when some guy laughs. The sound picks at my skin and even though I hear him call Anastasia's name, it still feels like he was laughing at me. And it wrecks any sense of calm I had before walking in here. I don't know if I can do this.

Alex's hand on my shoulder drags me back to the present and it shakes a heavy exhale from me. I glance up to meet Anastasia's stare and she raises one eyebrow. I should be stronger than this. Not let shit like this rattle me. But goddammit, I just want to go back upstairs and hide until these next few days are over.

Even though I desperately want to escape back to Alex's room and pretend that I never showed my face down here in the first place, I lift my head higher and go to Anastasia. I sit down in the chair that she's pulled out for me.

"My uncle has been boring me for the past twenty minutes about financial stability," she stresses, cutting me a look as she sighs. "I was just about to pluck my eyeballs out to give myself something to do. Cause holy fuck."

Tatiana calls in from the next room and though she talks in Spanish, I think I understand the gist. Especially from the way Anastasia mutters softly under her breath and rolls her eyes. It makes me smile and Anastasia catches it on my face when she turns back to look at me.

"You better not be laughing at me, squirt," she says, flicking me on the arm.

I give her my best attempt at mock betrayal and it cracks her up. She rolls her eyes and glances back at her uncle. "Do you see what I have to put up with? This is why you don't need to worry about giving me financial talks. I never have time to think about that stuff because of this guy and my brother."

Her uncle is smiling when I manage to look up at him and his gaze darts my way. His smile widens and he nods toward me. "Ahh… I see. Anastasia has her hands full with you, huh? How long have you two been seeing each other?"

Alex snorts from across the table and Anastasia mimes gagging. "Dude. He's seventeen."

"Eighteen," I correct in somewhat of a daze, and her uncle's mouth takes on a surprised "o" shape about the same time I feel my face heat up. I try not to react but when Anastasia snorts loudly beside me, I shoot her a glare. "Shut up."

She raises her hands in surrender but that shit-eating grin remains on her face. "Anyone ever tell you that you're fucking adorable when you blush?"

I flip my middle finger up at her and she laughs along with her uncle. It eases the tension settling in the pit of my gut and I even manage a halfway decent grin. Maybe today will be easier than last night was. Anastasia has a way of easing the tension in me and if I stick by her for most of the day… maybe everything will turn out alright.

Someone pushes their chair back from the table and when I look up, I realize it's Kendra. She smiles at me before tossing a glance toward Alex. "I'm going to see if your mom needs any help," she explains quietly and he nods before leaning closer to kiss her.

I look away from them, the feeling shooting through me again of when it was Danny's lips on mine. It brings a new flush to my face and I try to huff out a breath to get rid of it but I'm not sure that it works. Especially with the side-eye Anastasia gives me.

Kendra leaves the room and Alex's uncle turns to him, calling his name softly. Alex looks away from where Kendra disappered, raising an eyebrow in question.

"Tatiana tells me you're still running Alejandro's garage," he says softly and Alex slowly nods.

Anastasia sighs, giving her uncle a look when he glances her way. "Uncle Tony, you should know better than to get on this conversation with him. He's gonna bore us all into tears now with stuff about cars."

"Oh, my mistake. I thought because you've worked at the garage with me since high school, you were actually interested in this kind of stuff," Alex says, smirking when Anastasia scoffs.

She balls up a paper towel laying on the table and chucks it at him. "Please,I'm not the one with the obsession,"she says, smirking when he rolls his eyes. "Besides, money is money, bro. Not to mention mom would have killed me if I left you to work there alone."

"Mom would have gotten over it," Alex mumbles, running a hand through his hair as he sighs.

Their uncle glances between the two of them before he lets out a quiet breath, his gaze shifting back toward Alex. "I'd love to see what you've done with the place in the next few days. I'm sure your grandfather would be proud of how you've carried on with the business."

Alex looks up at his uncle and I watch him swallow hard. Like he's choking back things he wants to say and I just want to hear everything he's thinking. He's never talked about his grandfather to me before and I feel like I'm seeing a different side of him. I'm not sure if he's okay with me seeing this now but I can't pull myself away.

Finally, Alex nods, his gaze dropping to the table again in the silence. It's the only response he offers but I guess his uncle wasn't waiting on anything more because he just smiles, pats Alex on the hand, and turns the conversation back to something else.

I zone out as Anastasia rattles on about something, half of what she's telling her uncle is in Spanish, but I'm not listening anyway. I'm watching Alex from the corner of my eye instead. He fidgets with his phone, turning his screen off and on multiple times before he eventually puts it away.

I'm busy focused on Alex and it takes me a couple of seconds to realize the room's gone quiet. I glance over at Anastasia and she's slouched down in her chair, chewing on her bottom lip in the silence.

Tatiana's standing at the end of the table, stirring a bowl of something and she calls Alex's name twice before he looks up. For a few seconds, the two of them have a staring contest, and Alex is the one to look away in the end.

I can tell from her tone that when Tatiana speaks in Spanish, she's asking a question. She pauses her stirring to raise her eyebrows when Alex looks at her again.

He shrugs, shifting in his chair a little before he shakes his head. "Not yet," his voice is quiet, and he won't look at Tatiana for too long.

There's a heavy tension in the room now and I know I'm not the only one that can feel it. It settles across my skin like a heavy blanket and I don't know how to breathe around it. I don't know what's passing between Alex and Tatiana but I don't think it's anything good.

"Alexander," she calls his name softly and it drags a sigh from him.

He pushes his hands through his hair, nodding once before he looks up at Tatiana. "I know, mama. I will. Just give me a little more time… por favor."

Tatiana suddenly shouts now and not even the language barrier could keep me from understanding this. She's pissed off at Alex but I don't get why. She drops the plastic bowl onto the table and the noise startles me but Tatiana doesn't notice, too busy boring holes into Alex with her stare. "How much longer do you need?"

Alex stands from his place at the end of the table and pushes his chair back. His eyes are practically flashing as he stares at his mom, his chest heaving. "Mom. I'll handle it."

"Because your track record for handling things has always been so great," Tatiana replies with a glare. "It's been wonderful to see Kendra, by the way. How many years has it been again?"

Alex growls something under his breath but he meets Tatiana's eyes with a sigh. He says something in Spanish then – and the weight of it is hard to miss. His voice shakes halfway through his sentence and he almost gives up on it. But he drags in a breath and finishes. And when Anastasia sighs next to me, I look to her.

I don't understand this. Why does he sound like he's breaking?

When I look back to Alex, our eyes meet and the tears in his eyes shocks me. It drags a small noise from me that doesn't go unnoticed in the quiet of this room. Tatiana looks toward me and I meet her gaze with so many damn questions. What the hell is going on between them?

Tatiana tsks softly before she crosses the room and holds her arms out to Alex. He doesn't give in at first, keeping his stare on the ground and his arms folded over his chest. But something in him must need this because he goes to her. He drops his cheek against her shoulder as she tugs him against her chest.

His face is turned away from me but I recognize the tell-tale sign of stitching yourself back together in the arms of someone that cares about you. He's trying to stay strong and I don't know what's tearing at him. I wish I could help him the way he's always helped me but I don't know if I'll ever be able to bring this up again.

Anastasia nudges her shoulder against mine and gives me a look when I meet her gaze. She mouths something but I don't catch what she's trying to say. Cause Alex sniffles behind me and I'm immediately turning to look at him again.

He's pulled away from Tatiana and she's got her hands on either side of his face. She's smiling at him as she leans forward to press a kiss to his cheek and his eyes fall closed at the action. He keeps them shut even as she pulls away again and pats his cheeks, whispering to him softly.

The accent is heavy on her words and I wish I paid attention in my freshman year of Spanish. I wish I could understand this more. Tatiana whispers softly to him again, squeezing him in a final hug before she steps away from him.

Alex opens his eyes with a nod and I drop my gaze from the two of them. I don't know what's happened between them but it unnerves me. I've never seen Alex cry before. Not even when he told me about the death of his father. Seeing it now… it's destroying my illusion that he's untouchable. That he's someone that could never break the way that I have. But I suppose he's just as fragile as I am.

Tatiana goes back to stirring the plastic bowl full of some kind of dough and I keep my gaze trained on my hands in my lap. The conversation resumes around me and even though Anastasia tries to get me involved a couple of times, I don't offer more than a couple of one word answers.

She gives up on trying to include me and I sit back in my chair, trying to stop myself from looking over at Alex again. He hesitates next to his chair for a few minutes before he follows Tatiana back into the kitchen. And when I look up to watch him go, I catch Anastasia watching me.

"What… was that about?" I ask softly, my voice pinched on the few words.

She shrugs, blowing out a breath. "It's complicated, squirt. Mom is pushing for Alex to do something and he's taking his time. She thinks he should have done it by now."

"Wh-What do you think?" I ask and she shrugs again. I guess she doesn't care either way. I wish Tatiana wouldn't push him. I don't think I can see him like that again.

Alex comes back into the dining room with a few cookies stacked on a napkin. I try not to look his way. But it's almost impossible when he settles down in the chair next to mine. His arm brushes against mine and when he says 'sorry', I can hear the smile in his voice. I don't want to look up and find out if that smile is forced or not.

He exhales out softly. "Dash," he calls and this time, I look at him. His eyebrows are drawn down and he tilts his head to one side in question. "You doing okay?"

I nod, darting my gaze away from him before I swallow hard and look back at him again. "Yeah. A-Are you?"

Alex's eyes fall closed in that moment and he lets out a breath that shakes. He seems to steel himself in that moment – like the silence is all he needs to tape his broken pieces back together. When his eyes open again, he's wearing such a genuine smile, I don't know how it could be forced this time.

"Yeah. I'm fine," he says, his voice low amidst the conversation still going on around us. Someone else has wandered in from the kitchen – a woman who looks a lot like Tatiana and smiles just as wide at the story Anastasia's telling.

Alex nudges my shoulder again and I turn to look at him. He nods toward his family. "Holidays just involve a lot of time with family and sometimes… it's hard on me, too," he says, meeting my gaze with a smile that's more pained than it should be. "I'm fine, I promise."

Just then, Tatiana comes back in from the kitchen. She says something to Anastasia before she glances over at the two of us. I hesitate for a second before I look her way and I catch her smiling softly at Alex. As if whatever argument they were having doesn't matter anymore. And I guess in a family like this one, it doesn't. Because he returns the smile and the two of them make it look easy. I don't remember being in a room with either one of my parents where an argument didn't lead to bruised skin or tears so suffocating I couldn't breathe.


Tatiana finishes making the pie crusts and we're all instructed to go into the living room and wait for her. She bustles around getting her camera and urges all of us to stand in front of the tree so she can take some photos of us.

I'm pulled in for the pictures too and it's selfish but I don't feel much like smiling. I paste a smile on anyway and when Tatiana pauses to check some of the photos, Alex's uncle moves from his position to stand closer to me.

"Family photos seem to last forever, huh?" he asks, smiling at me when I look up at him. He's taller than me and he's even got a couple inches on Alex. But his kind smile and gentle hand on my shoulder puts me at ease.

"Y-Yeah," I stammer out, dropping my gaze from him. When I chance a look back up at him, he gives me an encouraging smile and I return it, listening to the click and whirr of Tatiana's camera. I don't know how many photos she's taken at this point but she says that she's gotten the perfect shot and tells us all to spread out in the living room.

Even though I'd rather just sit on the floor like most of the Moreno family does, Alex won't let it drop until I'm sitting on the couch next to him. And I don't want his family to look at me so I just give in and sink down on the cushion next to him.

Tatiana starts passing out the pile of presents stacked underneath the tree and after a few rounds, Alex gets up to help. Kendra's quick to take his spot next to me and as every wrapped box is passed out, I try not to be so fucking emotional at the pile of gifts addressed to me. But it keeps hitting me that they thought of me. I don't have a family of my own to spend today with but this one thought of me.

"Okay, wait for me to get settled," Tatiana calls as she carefully steps over everyone spread out in the living room, taking a seat on one end of the couch. Alex sinks down onto the floor in front of the couch, his back against the cushion Kendra's sitting on.

She leans down to kiss the top of his head and he smiles at the action, already easing the tape off one end of a gift addressed to him.

Tatiana calls his name sharply and he looks up with a flush on his face. He laughs softly before he mutters an apology spoken halfway between English and Spanish but I guess the meaning is the same. Tatiana shakes her head with a smile before she tells us all to start opening up our gifts.

Even though I have a pile lying at my feet, I take my time on the first gift, watching everybody else around me. Anastasia starts shrieking about how excited she is over some video game her mom got for her and Tatiana beams, snapping photos as everyone opens up gifts she probably spent hours wrapping.

One of her sister's opens a gift and gasps as she pulls the wrapping paper off a dark blue scarf. She clutches it to her chest and looks up at Tatiana, a wide smile on her face. "Hermana, you remembered!" she calls across the living room and Tatiana grins, nodding.

Alex calls his aunt's name and when she looks his way, he holds up a book he's just unwrapped, a grin stretched across his face.

"I mentioned this like… sometime in the summer – did you get it back then?" he asks and she grins in response, shrugging like she'll never tell him. He laughs anyway and thanks her for it and just seeing everyone react to their gifts fills me up with a sort of hesitant feeling of joy.

I think I could get used to this. Spending the holidays with the Moreno's. If they'd have me, I'd spend every waking moment with them until the numbness I've been feeling is completely replaced by this sudden joy. Because I'm so damn tired of feeling numb.


Tatiana got me a variety of different stuff and I get the feeling that she didn't know what to get for me specifically. Cause she's gifted me clothes and gift-cards and though each one reminds me that she cares, I sense that she worried over how to show it. Alex on the other hand… he wrapped up nearly twice what Tatiana gifted me and each one makes me smile.

There's a coffee mug that boasts I only care about cars and coffee and it makes me laugh. Alex turns around to grin at me and Anastasia loudly claims that the gift was her idea. It sets her and Alex into an argument and their interaction makes me laugh too.

Kendra's given me a pair of gloves and when I thank her for them, she smiles before asking if she can hug me. It surprises me just a little but I let her slide her arms around me and she holds me gently.

When everybody's opened their gifts – including Tatiana, we just sit around talking. Someone puts on another pot of coffee and I get to enjoy a second cup along with the conversation. Kids are running around through the house, playing with their toys, and somewhere in the distance, the doorbell rings.

The conversation keeps going on around the room but Tatiana excuses herself from it, going to answer the door. Even though everyone keeps talking, I find myself straining to listen to whatever Tatiana's saying in the foyer.

Someone tells a joke and everyone laughs, giving me the opportunity to quietly slip from the couch. I escape anyone's notice as I leave the living room and I head down the hallway, listening to Tatiana's quiet voice in the foyer.

When I glance around the corner, I can see Tatiana wringing her hands nervously. She's shaking her head, talking in a low voice and I can't catch what she's saying. I can't see who she's talking to but only a few seconds pass before Alex appears at the edge of the foyer.

"Mom?" he calls softly and she spins around to look at him.

Tatiana's hand flies up to rest over her heart and she breathes out quietly. "Alex… I-I… didn't invite him," she whispers and Alex looks past her at whoever's shown up.

Alex nods once before a smile changes his expression. "I know. I did," he says, stepping past her. He says hi to whoever's standing in front of the door and when Alex drags him into a hug, I realize who it is.

Chuck grins as he pulls away from Alex and he steps further into the foyer. He claps Alex on the shoulder before he turns to look at Tatiana again, his smile softening. "It's good to see you again, Tatiana."

"Why didn't you tell me you invited him!" Tatiana squeaks out, lightly smacking Alex on the shoulder. She mutters something in Spanish before she turns to Chuck. She smiles widely before dragging him into a hug that he relaxes into. Just before he pulls away from her, he looks up and notices me hovering in the hallway. He pulls away from Tatiana before I manage to duck out of sight and he calls my name softly.

Alex looks over his shoulder as I shuffle out of the hallway, shoving my hands into my pockets to hide them if I start to tremble. "H-Hey," I mumble, nodding toward Chuck. "It's uh… g-good to see you."

Tatiana frowns, looking between us in silence for a few seconds before she asks. "You two know each other?"

Chuck nods, looking up at me and when Tatiana turns her gaze to me, I realize I'm supposed to be the one to answer. I don't know how Alex and his family know Chuck but I know him through mine. Or… part of mine at least.

"He's uh… Chuck's my dad's partner. At the uh… the station," I mumble, dropping my gaze to the floor for a few seconds before I look up again. Some sick part of myself has to know how he's doing and Chuck's one of the only people who might know. "You… been to the hospital today?"

Chuck lets out a breath, looking away from me before he nods. "Yeah. I spent a little time with him this morning, just seeing how he's doing. Doctors and nurses are pretty confident that he'll make a full recovery. It's just gonna take some time."

I swallow hard, nodding as my gaze drops again. I can feel someone looking at me and from the sigh that leaves Tatiana, I'm guessing it's her. When I steal a glance at her, she's sharing a look with Alex that he's ducking his head at. I don't know what they're trying to communicate but Chuck apparently gets it.

"How big of an entrance do you think I'm gonna make showing up here again?" Chuck asks, looking at Tatiana with a grin.

Alex snorts, running a hand through his hair as he shakes his head. "About as big of an entrance as Kendra made last night," he says, smirking when Chuck raises an eyebrow. "By the way, might have forgotten to mention but… she's here too."

"Piss off, man. Why didn't you tell me?" Chuck responds with a laugh, punching Alex on the shoulder. It drags a laugh from Alex too but it doesn't stop Chuck from looping his arm around Alex's neck and running his knuckles along the top of his head. "You could have at least mentioned it!"

Tatiana rolls her eyes at the two of them but she's smiling as she turns back to me. Her expression softens just a little bit and she takes a small step toward me. "Do you want to come help me in the kitchen, miel?" she asks, smiling when I nod. "Good. I'll make these two help as well."

Chuck drops his arm from Alex and shrugs his jacket off. "Of course, Tatiana. I'll do whatever you need me to."

"Ass kisser," Alex hisses to Chuck, grinning despite the glare Tatiana sends his way.

Tatiana scolds him softly in Spanish but when her back's turned, Chuck sticks his tongue out and Alex punches him on the shoulder in response. They're grinning as they follow after Tatiana and I find myself falling behind the two of them.

I don't know how Alex knows Chuck and I don't know why everyone in the living room reacts with some mixture of surprise when they welcome him in but I wish I understood. I wish I knew what was going on. And more than anything, I wish I wasn't thinking of dad.


I spend the afternoon with Tatiana and her sister. Occasionally Chuck or Alex will give us a hand and I think Anastasia makes an appearance once – but the bulk of the cooking is done by the three of us.

Tatiana shows me how to make several family recipes and even though everything is pretty similar to stuff mom and I used to make, it feels different. Maybe because she's guiding my movements and telling me what to do and that puts me at ease. Even having her sister around doesn't unnerve me the way I thought it would.

I'm finishing up the last of a filling for one of the pies when Anastasia comes into the kitchen. She takes one look at the apron Tatiana tied around my waist earlier on in the day and snorts loudly.

"Bitchin' outfit," she says with a grin and I roll my eyes.

I scrape what's left of the pie filling into the crust before I set the bowl to one side. "What do you want? I'm busy," I respond, taking the dough Tatiana rolled out for me earlier and draping it over the pie filling.

Anastasia watches me carefully pinch the edges how Tatiana taught me and she says something in Spanish that makes Tatiana call her name from across the room. When I glance at Anastasia, she's looking at her mom and though I don't understand the translation of what Tatiana's saying, I get that she's trying to usher Anastasia away from me.

"Chill, mama, I'll be gone in a sec. I just wanted to give Dash his phone," Anastasia says, turning back to me with an eye-roll. "It's been going off for the past couple minutes. I couldn't find the damn thing right away so there's a couple of missed calls there."

Who the hell is calling me on Christmas day?

I dry my hands on the apron around my waist and untie it before I take my phone from Anastasia, handing her the apron instead. There's a couple of text notifications from Danny and Kwan but I don't recognize the number that called me twice. Whoever it is left a voicemail and I debate for a second before I decide to listen to it.

Tatiana looks my way as I pass by her and she pats me on the shoulder. I hear her putting Anastasia to work but I press my phone to my ear, shoving my shoes on one-handedly before I open the back door.

Freshly fallen snow has blanketed the world overnight and everything in Alex's backyard is white. The trees are weighed down by it and the back porch is completely covered in it. I shuffle through the snow, the cold making me shiver despite the hoodie I'm wearing.

I step down a couple of stairs on the porch, feeling the wind blowing against me as the voicemail starts to play. At first, I think it's a wrong number – there's a lot of silence and a quiet sigh for a good thirty seconds. But when the person on the other end of the line starts to speak, my heart nearly stops in my chest and I feel just as cold as the snow lying at my feet.

"Dash," his voice is heavily medicated but I recognize it. I can hear him despite the sedation and it makes me lose my breath. He's calling me from the hospital. He's calling me from the fucking hospital. And I'm here with a family that isn't my own, playing pretend because I'm too fucking chicken to go see him.

He mumbles out a few things I don't catch but when he speaks, it's clear this time. "I just wanted to call you. I wanted to tell you… that I hope you have a good Christmas, son. I hope you're spending time with someone… that cares," he says, slurring a little the longer he talks and hearing it brings tears to my eyes that I don't understand.

I numbly brush snow off the top stair, sniffling quietly before I sink down on the stair, my legs shaking a little as the voicemail continues playing.

"We have… a lot to talk about. There's so much I want to tell you, Dash. And even more that I have to… apologize for. I know that I don't deserve a second chance with you but I've been hoping… that you'll give me one," he says softly, letting out another sigh that crackles on the phone and makes my breath hitch in my throat. "The point is… I hope you're having a good holiday. And I'm sorry, son. I'm so goddamn sorry."

The tears gathered in my eyes escape and I roughly swipe them away with the back of my hand as the voicemail comes to an end. When the automated voice asks me if I'd like to replay the message, I hit the right button and listen to his voice on the line again.

I play it through again and again but I lose count how many times. Because I memorize the hitch in his voice and no matter how many times I'm prepared for it, it always makes my own breath catch in the back of my throat and tears sting my eyes. I don't understand it. Why is he calling me now? Why is he apologizing?

The cold seeps into me as I put my phone away and I don't know how long I sit on the back porch. But the wind whips around me and everything feels so cold. My breath hangs in the air and my heart pounds in my chest and I can't move a single, goddamn muscle. All I can do is sit on the porch, surrounded by all this cold and my oldest friend – my fucking loneliness.


Anastasia comes to collect me for lunch just past noon and I numbly follow her back into the house. My teeth are chattering and I do my best to disguise it, slipping by Tatiana and Alex unnoticed as I leave to wash my hands.

I stand in the bathroom, my hands braced on the sink and my head hanging low for a long time. I'm trying to shake this feeling from my bones but I think it's a part of my soul. I don't think there's any way to separate me from my dad anymore. Shit happens to him and I feel it. Shit happens between us and I feel it. It fucks with me. It always fucks with me.

Someone knocks on the door and I ignore it, squaring my shoulders a little more, trying desperately to drag in oxygen that just isn't here for me anymore. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can be surrounded by strangers, laugh along to whatever stupid jokes they make, and pretend that my heart isn't somewhere else. Someplace with machines and IV's and nurses that can tell me how the hell my dad is doing.

The bathroom door opens and I jerk upright again, coming face to face with Anastasia. She raises an eyebrow at my appearance and I guess I look even worse than I feel.

"Jeez, kid. You look like you're carrying your own casket and a shovel. What's up?" she asks, leaning against the doorframe. She gives me a smirk that I can't return and the feeling chokes me. It's Christmas. I shouldn't be standing in the bathroom with sadness so damn heavy that I can't breathe.

The breath I drag in is violent and shakes. Anastasia's eyes widen and I collapse against the sink again, turning my back to her. Everything in me is so damn cold. I'm shaking all over and I can't fucking breathe. I can't fucking do this.

Anastasia pushes the door closed and comes to stand next to me, leaning her back against the counter. She keeps her head turned away from me and drags in a slow breath before speaking.

"Spill it."

I don't want to tell her anything. I don't want there to be anything to tell. I want this shit to be over with. I want to stop fucking caring about someone that's put me through hell. There's no way for me to tell Anastasia everything that's tearing at me right now. And if I can't say it all, there's no point in talking.

"I just need a minute. I'll be fine." My teeth are gritted as I speak and it doesn't escape Anastasia's notice.

She turns toward me and I shy away from her attention, turning my head away from her so she won't see the tears gathered in my eyes. I don't want her to know that I've been brought to this point again. That I'm so close to breaking, I'm terrified I'll shatter from the slightest bit of pressure.

"Bullshit," Anastasia whispers, her voice dragging out a shaky breath from me. She's silent for a few seconds, maybe trying to see if I'll speak again, but there's nothing left in me. I'm not the kind of person that words come to without some kind of struggle and I guess Anastasia gets that. Cause she doesn't leave us in silence for long.

She exhales out a heavy breath, leaning her shoulder against mine insistently – like she just wants me to look at her. "I get it, Dash. All of this shit is hard to deal with. And it's really shitty timing with the holidays and everything," she says, nudging my shoulder again with her own. "But you'll get through this, kid. I know you will."

I wish I had that kind of faith in my soul. I wish I could know that everything would work out. But I'm made up of broken car parts and bruises and I just can't believe I'm meant for more. It doesn't matter that I'm spending the holidays with people that care about me. It doesn't matter that Alex has been here for me. Or even that I fucking kissed Danny. I'm broken and fucked up and there's nothing anyone can do or say that'll fix me.

"Anastasia… I-I appreciate this but… I really just want to be alone," I mumble, squeezing my eyes closed at the fresh wave of tears building up beneath my lids. I don't want her to see me cry. I don't want her to know just how badly my bones have been bruised. I need her to leave me alone for just a few minutes so I can pull myself together long enough to make it through another meal.

She sighs, pushing away from the counter without giving me a second glance. She leaves the bathroom then and I practically collapse against the counter, my head in my hands and my every breath shattering.

I don't know how I'm supposed to pull myself together. I don't know if there's even any hope for me. I'm surrounded by a family that cares about me. That actually gives a shit about me. And it's not enough. I'm so fucking selfish but it's not enough. I want my mom back. I want my dad out of the hospital and I want his hands to never bruise me again. I want my family back – even if they don't want me.


Lunch is simple – or so Tatiana says. There's more food spread out on the table than I usually ever have for dinner with dad. But Alex tells me that there's a lot more coming for tonight and I don't see how there could be. Does the amount of food really matter? Is that what makes the holiday for everyone here?

I'm distantly aware of Alex's gaze lingering on me throughout the meal but I manage to choke down a bread roll and a serving of turkey before I give up. My stomach's in knots and I can barely breathe, I don't know if putting food in me is the best idea right now.

Kendra's sitting on one side of me, Alex's uncle Tony on the other, and I feel a little like I'm drowning. Like the water is rising over my head and I'm just standing in it, waiting for something to happen. Maybe I'm waiting for someone to notice and pull me out of it. Or maybe I'm just waiting to fucking drown.

A few times during lunch, when the conversation's fall quiet, the silence picks at me. It reminds me of the hammering of my heart and my shaky breathing. And I hate that Alex notices and I hate when he leans across Kendra to put his hand on mine. Because I know the surprise shows on my face and I can see the worry on his. And I hate that it's for me.

When everyone's stuffed themselves and I'm holding it together by a thread, I excuse myself with my empty plate, taking it into the kitchen. I turn the faucet on and rinse it before I stack it in the dishwasher, closing the door before I lean against the counter.

The kitchen door opens and though I expect Alex, it's Chuck that's followed me. I stare at him in silence and he lets out a breath, shuffling toward me. His movements seem hesitant and I don't know why. It's not like there's any way he can make this worse.

"Alex is worried about you," Chuck says, sliding his hands into his pockets. "He was going to follow you in here but I told him I'd check on you."

I don't need anyone checking on me. I'm fine. Even if I'm standing in the middle of the kitchen because I still feel like I might drown. I wish I could decide if I want someone to dive in after me and pull my head above the water.

"Well… you've checked on me," I respond, folding my arms over my chest as I look away from Chuck.

He sighs heavily, taking a few steps further into the kitchen. "Dash… I'm not going to pretend like I know what you're going through. Hell – Alex hasn't even told me everything that's going on. But I know enough to know that this is about more than just Howard. And you should know that… if there's anything I can do to help you, I will."

I don't want his help. I don't want anyone's help. I want to not need people anymore. I want to be stoic and unshakeable. But I'm like a fucking porcelain doll. And every part of me has shattered so many times before, I don't know how I'm ever supposed to put myself back together again.

"Thanks," I mumble, pushing away from the counter. I don't make a move to leave the kitchen and Chuck doesn't take a step closer to me. I feel like we're both trapped there, waiting on each other to make the next move.

Chuck lets out a heavy breath, flicking his stare to the ceiling with a shake of his head. "I don't know what to say to you. I don't want to say the wrong thing but… I'm not sure I know what the right thing is," he says softly, looking back at me. "You've been through a lot. And I know that as bad as things have been between you two, I know you're worried about him. But he's going to be okay."

"I didn't want him to be," I spit, the anger gnawing at my insides like a caged beast clawing its way out of my throat. "I wanted him to die in that hospital bed, Chuck. When I heard what happened, I just wanted him to-"

Everything chokes me at once and I look away from Chuck, dragging in a shaky breath that betrays how fucked I am right now. How fucked I've always been. And always will be.

"Does that make me a horrible son?"

Chuck groans softly and when I chance a look at him, his gaze is on the ground and he's shaking his head. I don't know if he thinks the way that Alex does but maybe he understands too. He was in the car when dad tried to run me off the road. He's gotta understand what I'm going through right now.

"You're not a horrible son. The things he put you through and the things that you've seen… they're unthinkable," he says, running a hand through his hair before looking up at me again. "It's not your fault that he's pushed you to this point."

I swallow hard, nodding once. I don't trust my voice not to break but I speak anyway, finding some hidden vat of strength in my stomach. "I can't go the hospital," I breathe, ashamed at the stinging in my eyes as I shrug. "I can't… see him anymore."

"No one's asking you to," Chuck says softly, hesitating a few seconds before he crosses the room over to me. "If I were you, I'd stay the hell away from him. He's been horrible to you and the damage that he's done… there's no repairing what you had. You don't owe him anything."

I didn't expect Chuck on my side. At least, not completely. But hearing him agree with me – hearing him say that I've been through hell and back, it's comforting. And unnerving. And generally just sets my heart racing until I'm dragging in one strangled breath after the other, trying to keep myself from panicking.

"You alright?" Chuck asks, putting a hand on my shoulder.

His touch hurts because of dad's hands but I don't shy away from it. I suck in a strangled breath and nod once before I stumble forward a step. "I-I just… need some air," I tell him, starting for the exit.

Chuck follows close behind me. The back exit is one door down from the entry way to the dining room. I don't know if anyone will see us leave but I hope with everything in me that no one does. I don't want to make a big deal out of this. I'm fine.

We pass by the dining room and Alex calls out to us. Chuck turns back to talk to him and I don't catch what's being said beyond my name. I slip out the door and breathe in the cold air. It stings my face when the wind blows and I pretend that's the only reason why I'm holding back tears.

The back door opens behind me and Chuck steps out, offering me a jacket. "Alex is worried about you," he says and I exhale out a breath that hangs in the air. He frowns when I take the jacket from him. "You should probably talk to him soon."

I don't know if I have that kind of strength but I nod anyway. It's not like I'll avoid him… but talking to Alex is like opening up my bleeding heart and asking him to fix it. I don't know if I can do that to him today. I don't know if I want to do that today.

Chuck follows me when I cross over to the stairs and helps me kick the snow off of it before we both sink down. I wrap my arms around my shins and drop my cheek against my knees, trying to remember how to breathe without shattering. I know I did it once. But it's been so long.

"Dad left me a voicemail today," I mumble, lifting my head to look at Chuck. He's frowning and I nod in the silence, not sure if he's asking me a question or if I'm just taking it as one. "Yeah. He… said a lot of things."

He leans back on the stair, putting his hands down on the porch behind us. He lets out a breath that hangs in the air like a cloud and my stare is drawn to it. I watch it rise higher and higher in the sky until it's disappeared and I'm just staring up at the gray winter clouds looming overhead.

"Can I listen to it?" he asks, his gaze fixated somewhere just past me when I look back at him. It takes him a few seconds before he manages to look at me and when he does, his voice is soft on the one word. "Please?"

I nod, uncrossing my arms from around my shins. I slide my phone from my pocket and enter my passcode before I navigate to the voicemail, passing it to Chuck just before it's about to play.

Chuck's eyebrows draw down as it starts and I nervously chew on my fingernails in the silence, waiting to hear what he'll say. Waiting to see his reaction. I don't want him to think that what dad's saying isn't enough. Because despite the way it makes my heart ache, dad apologized. He actually apologized for the shit he's put me through. Maybe it's the drugs the hospital's got him on. I don't care. He apologized and I'm holding it close to my heart.

I swallow hard when Chuck looks up at me, pulling the phone away from his ear. He's still frowning as he hands me back my phone and though I itch to listen to it again, I put my phone away. My knees are knocking together and I don't think it's entirely from the cold anymore.

"S-So… yeah," I mumble, chancing another look at Chuck before I drop my gaze to the ground.

Chuck doesn't say anything for a few minutes and the silence we're plunged into nearly kills me. Because I need to know what someone thinks about this. Is it enough? Is his broken, medicated apology worth listening to? Do I have a chance of having a parent again?

"You're all he would talk about this morning," Chuck says, his voice quiet, but it steals my breath anyway. He exhales out heavily when I look at him and he runs his hand through his hair. "He kept asking where you were and what you were doing and at first… at first, I thought he was asking cause of who he is. You know his nature better than anyone and I thought…"

He sighs roughly again, turning to face me better. "I've worked beside your dad since I joined the police force in Amity Park, fresh out of the academy. And… I'd like to think I know him. He's always gone back to his old ways, Dash. No matter how doting he was to you and your mother every time you came to the station, I knew that it wouldn't last. Because that's the kind of person he is and…" he trails off, his gaze dropping as he shrugs. "I don't want to crush your hopes or anything but… if you're trying to decide where to go from here… going back to him isn't the answer."

My heart is in my throat and I almost choke but I manage to breathe. I manage to gulp down a few hits of oxygen and it makes me dizzy. Just enough to make the question easier to ask and it slips from me before I can fully think it through. But I want to know.

"He was asking about me?"

Chuck looks up at me and from the expression on his face, I know that's not what he wanted me to ask. He's trying to push me away from my dad and even though a part of myself is telling me to run as far away from him as I can… there's another part that just wants him to be my dad again. I just want my family back.

"Dash… he'll go back to who he was. You and I both know that," he says, his voice so steady, I know I should believe him. He knows dad just as well as I do and we've seen this a thousand times before. He acts like he loves me and I take what scrap of affection I can from him cause I'm fucking starving for it. But he's right. Things always go back to the way they were. Dad's not the type of person to change.

I nod, looking away from him as I drag in a breath. It was stupid to think about this for longer than it took to hear the voicemail. Dad's always going to be the controlling person he's been since I was a child. It's in his blood. And I can only hope that it's not in mine.

The back door opens and Alex steps outside, quickly followed by three little kids, all bundled up in scarves and hats. The three of them are talking animatedly and they rush past me and Chuck, headed into the yard where they gather up handfuls of snow.

I watch them tossing snowballs at each other, their laughter loud in the air. Alex sinks down on the top stair on the other side of me so I'm in between him and Chuck. It doesn't pick at me the way it usually does but I guess the cold has finally reached me. Because right now, I feel numb to everything.

Alex passes a bottle of beer over to Chuck and he leans back on the top stair as he drinks from one of his own. I wish he'd offered me one the way Anastasia offered her cigarette to me last night. I want a moment like that again. Something that can numb the way I'm feeling and make me forget where I am.

"I'm sorry this is hard on you," Alex says, and for a few seconds, I think he's talking to Chuck. But when I manage to lift my stare from the ground, I see the expression on his face and I know it's for me. And as selfish as it sounds, I'm tired of it being for me.

I run a hand down my face even though it hurts. Even though it reminds me that just moments ago, tears were brimming in my eyes. I don't want to be selfish and push away his concern. But I'm so damn tired of the way it feels. I don't want anyone's pity anymore.

"It's fine," I respond, keeping my stare away from him in the silence, punctuated only by the kids enthusiasm over the snow. The three of them are talking in broken English and Spanish and I let my stare drift toward them, listening to their conversation instead of focusing on the one that Alex is trying to push me into.

He exhales softly next to me and takes another sip from his bottle before he leans forward, his shoulder against mine. "Listen," he says softly, the warmth from his contact making me lean into him. He reads too much into the movement and slides his arm around my shoulders.

I want to push him away. I don't want to need him in this moment. But I feel like I'm held together by sheer willpower and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want Alex to fix me. Even if it's not his job and even if I don't have the right to ask that of him. I just want to stop hurting.

"Everything's gonna be okay," Alex promises softly and I don't want to believe him. He's always telling me that I'll be okay. That I won't hurt one day. And this time, I don't want to hear it. I just want to hurt for a while and have that be okay. Can't it just be enough that I'm here and that I'm hurting?

I gently push away from him, running my hand down my face again despite the pain it brings. I don't want to be sitting here, thinking about this shit again, and trying to get the fuck over it. I wish I wasn't the only one feeling this way right now. I wish someone else knew what it feels like to have this hurricane inside my chest. And that's probably the most selfish fucking thing I could ever want.

Alex starts to say something, his words chosen carefully and purposefully, but one of the kids interrupts him before he has the chance to say whatever he wants to. One of the boys in the yard is crying loudly and when I look up to see him, the other two are shoving snow down the back of his jacket, laughing hysterically as he tries to get away.

"Hey, knock it off!" Alex calls out into the yard, sighing heavily when they don't listen to him. "Adrian, come here."

He says something in Spanish but it doesn't make them stop. And even though Alex knows these kids better than I do, seeing two of them picking on one doesn't sit right in my gut. I was never picked on by my classmates growing up but I always had a target on my back whenever dad was around. And I can't just sit here.

I get up before Alex does, crossing the yard in just a couple of paces. The kid is still sitting where his cousins have knocked him down and he's sniffling when I reach him. He looks up at me, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his jacket and I reach down to help him out of the snow.

He sniffles again but a smile easily takes over his expression as I kneel down in front of him, brushing snow off his shoulders.

"You wanna come help me build a snowman?" I ask and when he eagerly nods, I can't help but smile. There's such an innocence in his eyes and I barely remember when that was a part of me. It must have been in me at some point in my life. But I don't remember it.

The kid wants to hold my hand as we walk back to the stairs together so I let him. "Can we build one really tall? And a really round one – like Olaf!" he exclaims, swinging our hands back and forth as I come to a stop at the porch.

"Olaf?" I ask, sinking down on the bottom stair.

He eagerly nods his head, dropping my hand to raise his over his head. "He's Anna and Elsa's friend!" he explains, stooping down to gather some snow. It sticks to his mittens but he holds it out to me anyway, his grin showing off the gaps in his front teeth. "You roll it really round. And I'll go get a carrot from Aunt Tatty!"

Before I can work out that he's talking about Tatiana, he's racing up the stairs and inside the house, the back-door swinging shut behind him. I turn to look, absent-mindedly rolling the snow in my hands, and catch Alex watching me.

He gives me a small smile, nodding toward the house and my gaze shifts toward the back door again. "That's Adrian. He turned five last month," he says, letting out a quiet breath before he steals a glance at Chuck. "His mom took off a couple weeks ago."

I snap my attention back to him and Alex nods, setting his beer bottle down to shove his hands into his pockets. "Yeah. Emiliostill doesn't know how to tell him the truth. He still thinks his mom's on some kind of secret mission or whatever my cousin's come up with to tell him this time."

"She just… left him?" I ask, not even sure I meant to speak at all. But the lump is in my throat and my gaze is immediately drawn toward the back door again. I don't know what kind of person could do that to a kid.

Alex lets out a breath softly, nodding when I manage to look at him again. "Emilio knew she had a history of drugs in her past when he married her but… she'd been sober for years. We all thought everything was fine but… I guess it wasn't."

"I always knew she was a bitch," Chuck mumbles in response, lifting his beer bottle to his mouth when I glance at him.

I look away from the two of them, concentrating on rolling the snow in my hands. I was older when mom left but it still happened. And all I had was dad and my own problems to keep me company. I don't know this kid. But I know that pain.

"Has she ever disappeared before?" I ask, my voice soft on the question.

Alex doesn't answer me right away and I can feel his stare on me. He's watching me to see how much this is affecting me. How much hearing a similar story is fucking with me. I don't want to let on that hearing this shit is dredging up the last conversation I had with my own mom. So I feign innocence and wait for him to answer.

Eventually, he gives up with a sigh. "Yeah. She used to fight with him all the time and take off. Did it a couple times when she was pregnant. And once when Adrian was almost a year old." Alex glances toward Chuck. "You know she's never liked you?"

Chuck snorts, rolling his eyes before he drains the remainder of his beer. "That's cause I didn't like her."

Alex smiles, his expression shifting just a little as he looks from Chuck to me. "Emilio thought everything was good again but this is who she is. And we're all trying to get him to see that and convince him to start taking legal action to protect Adrian. Because that's who really matters in this situation."

I don't know what to say so I nod, dropping my gaze back to the snow again. I set the ball I've rolled down on the ground gently before I scoop up another handful of snow, my hands stinging from the cold.

The back door flings open and Adrian comes thundering out, letting the screen door slam shut behind him. "I got a carrot! And Aunt Tatty gave me some buttons for his eyes, too!" he exclaims, rushing past Alex and Chuck to get to me.

He holds his treasures out, grinning and bouncing up and down excitedly. "Will you help me make Olaf?" he practically begs, jumping in place until I smile.

"Sure," I agree, taking the carrot and buttons from him. I set them on the stair beside me and together, we roll out snow to make up the body of the snowman.

Adrian explains that this snowman only has a head and a body – he doesn't need a middle. And even though that doesn't make any sense to me, I don't question the logic of a five-year-old. Maybe because he's five and maybe because I know what he's going through. Either way, we build the snowman together. And at the end, even I have to admit – it looks fucking awesome.


When the snowman is finished, Adrian starts explaining in detail, the plot of the movie to me. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me but I chalk it up to the fact that I'm only hearing half of what he's saying. Part of his explanation is in Spanish and the other part is garbled kid talk.

The other two are still playing in the yard and one of them calls out to Adrian in Spanish. Alex calls the girl's name and I get the sense that whatever she said wasn't kind. Adrian's lower lip juts out and he sinks down on the stair beside me. He sniffles once, wiping his nose on his sleeve again and the sight makes my heart ache. I know how you feel kid.

Alex says something softly in Spanish before he's talking to Chuck again. I hear him say something about Tatiana – how long it took her to stop asking about Chuck. I wish I understood what's going on with Alex. But this kid beside me looks so forlorn, I push Alex from my mind for now.

I lean back on the stair. "Those are your cousins huh?"

"Yeah," Adrian nods, his gaze downcast for a few seconds before he lifts his chin to look out into the yard. "Mariais seven. My daddy doesn't like her mommy but I can still play with her."

I look over my shoulder, hoping Alex heard and can explain what that means but he isn't paying attention. He's still talking quietly with Chuck, both of them frowning the longer the conversation continues.

"Do you have any friends to play with?" Adrian asks, dragging my attention back to him. He sits up a little straighter when my gaze is on him again. "Aunt Tatty says that you're uncle Alex's friend."

"Yeah, I am," I respond, pushing my hand through my hair. My breath sticks in my throat when he squints his eyes at me and moves from sitting beside me to kneeling, studying me carefully.

He frowns just a little. "How come your face looks like that?"

I don't know why my breath catches in my throat the way it does when an adult asks me a similar question. But I remind myself that he's just a kid and I try to breathe easier. He's just a kid and he's curious so he's asking. I can't blame him.

"Cause," I respond, shrugging when he doesn't take that as an answer. "I was fighting bad guys." If facing off against my own father as he brands my back with hot metal counts, then I guess it's not a total lie.

Adrian's eyes are wide and his mouth hangs open just a little. "Are you a superhero?"

That makes me laugh and it feels good in my chest to make that noise again. It echoes around me even after I've stopped and my breath is hanging in the air between us as I give him a grin. "Yeah, kid. I'm a superhero."

"Woooow!" he whispers, shaking his head like he doesn't believe it. He turns his stare out into the yard, calling his cousins by name before he excitedly rambles to them. "Uncle Alex knows a superhero!"

The other two kids in the yard exchange a look before they drop the snowballs they're both holding and come running over to the steps. They're both talking animatedly in Spanish and Adrian is responding, the three of them carrying on a conversation I'm not a part of.

I catch Spiderman and Batman easily tossed around the conversation and the last one makes me laugh just a little. I'm nobody's hero really but I did dress up like Batman this year. So I guess it's not a total lie to say that I'm a superhero. And besides, if it makes the kids happy, what's the harm in it?


When Tatiana makes hot chocolate, the kids and I go back inside. Alex and Chuck stay on the porch and as I sit at the table with Tatiana and her sister, I look out the window a couple of times. The two of them just keep talking and I catch Alex with a screwed up look on his face once or twice. But I don't understand any of it or what this means. Every time I've seen them in the same room – it almost seemed like they despised each other. But… I think they must have had a falling out. It's the only thing that makes sense.

"They'll probably be out there for hours, dear," Tatiana says and I know my face is flushed when I look back at her. I try to explain that I was just looking at the snow but she gives me a patient smile. "It's alright, I know you're curious."

I swallow hard, the questions burning in the back of my throat. I can't voice a single one of them cause I don't know if it's my place to question this. Alex is my friend but that doesn't give me a right to ask questions.

"It's not my place to tell you," Tatiana says, giving me a sympathetic look when I manage to lift my stare to hers. "Alex has always kept to himself – even as a child. And as much as I'd like to tell you so you know the truth, it's just not my place. So… if you want to know, you'll have to ask him."

There's a lot of shit I want to ask him. But I don't know if I have the right to. I love Alex. But I'm younger than him. And he's seen so much of my shit already, I don't know if he wants to talk about his when he's around me. I just don't know if I'm the right person to talk to about the difficult stuff.

"It's nice to see Kendra around again," her sister says, smiling as she swipes her mug of hot chocolate from the table. "She's always been good for him. And kinder than any of the other girls he went out with."

Tatiana smiles, nodding as she turns to look at her sister. "Having her with us again – and Chuck too… it feels like my home is full again," she says, exhaling softly before her expression sours just a little. "Andrea, when they broke up, I didn't think I'd ever see him smile again."

Her sister, Andrea, tsks softly, scooting her chair closer to Tatiana's. "I know, hermana," shewhispers softly, sliding her arm around Tatiana's shoulders. "But everything turned out alright. When he left Amity Park, I told you he'd come back. And when everything happened between him and Chuck, I told you that the two of them would work it out eventually."

Tatiana nods, seeming so pulled together in this moment. But I see her bottom lip quiver and I know I can't see her cry. And I think she's holding back for me. So I pretend that someone's calling my phone and I excuse myself from the room, intent on hiding out in Alex's room until Tatiana's okay again.

I barely make it out of the room before I hear a soft cry spill from Tatiana and it tears at me. She's not my parent but hearing her cry feels the way it did when I was younger and mom would cry. That same feeling of helplessness is bubbling up inside myself and I know I have to get away.

I might be welcome to stay with the Moreno's for as long as I want to but I'm way too fucking selfish to be a part of this family.


I don't know how long Alex and Chuck stay outside and I don't know how long Tatiana cries in the dining room because I hide out from all of it. I stay hidden away in Alex's room for as long as I can. Until Anastasia comes to collect me for dinner, telling me that Christmas dinner isn't something to be missed. Everyone keeps telling me that every meal is better than the last one was and honestly, it's all good to me.

Anastasia talks the whole way down the stairs but she stops a few steps from the bottom when Alex appears at the bottom of the staircase. Without words, she understands what he's asking and she disappears into the dining room.

I drag in what little strength is left in my bones and I continue down the staircase, stopping one stair up from Alex. "H-Hey," I breathe, fidgeting with the toggles on my sweatshirt to keep my hands from betraying how nervous I am.

"Hey," he says softly, leaning against the banister in silence for a few seconds before he nods toward me. "Were you asleep?"

I shake my head, rubbing the back of my neck in silence. Even though my painkillers usually knock me out, I guess the energy of today is keeping me awake. I might end up crashing early tonight but I don't care. I could probably use the sleep.

Alex nods, stealing a glance over his shoulder before he turns back to me. He's chewing on the inside of his bottom lip when he meets my gaze and he exhales out quietly. "I'm sorry for leaving you alone earlier. I just… haven't seen Chuck in years. Not like this, anyway."

"It's fine, you don't have to apologize," I respond, letting out a breath slowly before I nod like I'm confirming it. "I get it, Alex. You don't have to explain."

He frowns just a little but he steps back from the staircase when I move to step off it. He hesitates for a split second but he pulls me into his arms and fits me against his chest. He's careful of where he puts his hands on my back but he drops his head onto my chin with a sigh so heavy, it makes my chest tense.

I draw in a breath before I speak, the question sticking in my throat. "Are you okay?"

Alex sighs, holding me tighter for a second before he presses a kiss to the top of my head. "Yeah," he says softly, his voice muffled but I feel the vibration of his throat against my cheek. "It's just the holidays. Things are always a little tough."

I nod like I understand even though I don't. I'm not a part of this family and I haven't been around him during the holidays before. So I don't know why it's hard and I don't know why he's holding himself together the way I do some days. But he pulls it off beautifully and I wish I could do this the way he can.

Alex pulls away from me, giving me a smile that's tinged just a little with the sadness I can feel radiating from him. I wish I could help him. I wish I knew how to help him. And I can't help but wonder if this is how Kwan feels when he's around me. How Danny feels around me.

I feel helpless as I follow after Alex but I don't want to smother him with questions. I can't do that to him even though I'm curious. Even though the questions are trying to claw their way out of me, I can't ask him to tell me the truth. It's not my place.

Tatiana and her sister are serving up the food and Alex's uncle Tony calls out to the two of us, saying that we're both sitting next to him. Kendra's sitting on one side of Tony and as soon as Alex sees her, it's like gravity pulls him toward her and he leaves my side.

He kisses her cheek and settles down next to her. And when Tony looks my way, I don't want to make this about me. So I sit next to him even though I barely know him. He offers up a smile that I think I manage to return.

"Alex told me you're on the football team at the high school," Tony says softly, setting out his silverware before he looks up at me.

I steal a glance at Alex but he's talking quietly with Kendra. "Yeah, I am." I look back at Tony, shrugging. "Season's over for now but knowing my coach, we may get a couple of charity games in over the spring. Last year we played for the children's hospital in Elmerton."

Tony smiles again. "I didn't know your team did charity games. Do you have one every year?"

I nod, looking up when Tatiana brings a plate of bread rolls to the table. She gives me a smile and pats my shoulder before she's gone again and I force myself to pay attention to Tony.

"Yeah, usually. Sometimes we play for a charity a couple times over late winter or early spring. Coach hasn't locked down a date yet but I'm sure he'll work something out," I respond, smiling a little at the genuine interest he's showing me. "What else did Alex mention about me?"

Tony shrugs, spooning out mashed potatoes on his plate before he looks at me again. "That you're a hard worker," he says, flicking his gaze to the kitchen before he looks at me again, his voice lowered. "And that Tatiana would have killed him if he hadn't brought you for the holidays."

That makes me laugh and Alex looks up at the noise. He smiles when I look his way and even though I want to stop everything and focus on him, I don't think he wants that. So I force myself to leave it at a smile and I turn to Tony again.

"Alex hasn't told me much about you," I admit, stealing a bread roll from the plate beside me. "What do you do? Like… your career, I guess."

Tony nods, adding some sweet potatoes onto his plate before he passes the dish my way. I add some to mine too before I set the bowl down on the table. "I'm a retired marine, actually," he says, nodding when he looks my way again. "I was working with one of my daughters in a shop she owns but… I'm at a break with that right now. I'm in the midst of what everyone around me is calling a 'mid-life crisis," he says with an eye-roll.

"Yeah?" I ask with a grin, tearing off a chunk of bread roll with my fingers before I bite it. "What are you doing then?"

He shrugs and I pass him the bread rolls when he asks for them. "I don't know," he says, adding two rolls to his plate before he passes them back to me. "I'm traveling right now. I've always wanted to visit all fifty states," he says, a smile easing its way into his expression before he looks up at me again. "My other goal was to have a beer in all fifty states but my sisters are discouraging that."

"Highly discouraging it," Tatiana says, suddenly beside me again. She puts down a plate of cranberry sauce before she looks my way with a smile. "Take what you want, dear."

I nod and she disappears again. When I turn back to Tony, he's pulled his wallet out and he's rifling through it. He frowns at a few coins in his hand before he selects one and passes it over to me. At first, I don't understand why he's passed me this but after a few seconds, I realize it's not actually a coin at all.

"To thine own self, be true" stares back at me and my breath sticks in my throat just a little as I look up at him again. He smiles, nodding once before his gaze drops to the table again.

"Former alcoholic. Been sober close to five years now," he says softly and I don't think I've done anything worthwhile in five years time. I've never fought an addiction and I know I've never done anything as brave as give something like that up. I can't even say goodbye to my own father.

Tony doesn't tell me how his addiction began but he tells me about when he hit rock bottom. How Tatiana and Andreawere there to pull him out of it. And it's a sad story but he injects so much hope into it, I can't help but feel those goosebumps on my skin at the end of it.

I don't get a chance to ask him any questions about it because only seconds after he's finished, someone says grace, and everyone's digging into their food. Chatter is lively around the table tonight and even though I want to be a part of it, I find myself unable to say anything. All the words stick in my throat and I can't separate them long enough to string together a coherent sentence.

Tony keeps me distracted throughout the meal, pointing people out around the table and telling me who they are in relation to him and his sisters. He talks about the kids running loose throughout the house, playing with their new toys, and chasing each other around.

I catch sight of Adrian wearing a red sheet as a cape, a yellow 'D' written on the back with marker. It makes me smile and I turn back to Tony, asking him when Adrian's leaving.

He lets out a soft breath, shaking his head. "I don't know. Emilio might be sticking around for a while. If… that's okay with everyone, that is," he says carefully, and though I can tell he's trying hard not to reveal anything, his gaze darts toward Alex for just a split second.

I don't understand the look and I wish I did. I wish I could just ask Tony to explain everything to me but that wouldn't be right. If Alex wants me to know, he'll tell me. And as badly as the curiosity is clawing at me, I don't ask Tony.

"Adrian seemed really taken by you earlier," Tony says and that drags another smile onto my face.

I nod, using my fork to move around the food on my plate before I exhale out, looking up at Tony again. "Yeah. We built a snowman together. And then he told me the entire plot of Frozen. Did you know it's actually about two sisters and not a snowman?"

Tony laughs then and it makes me laugh in response. I don't know this guy that well but he's kind. And from the way his concern for Alex is made known in simple touches and specific glances, I can tell the kind of person he is. He's a lot like Tatiana and that makes me like him even more.


Even though the conversation is good and I feel included, I still find myself drifting away inside my own head. I try to push it away at first but it comes back every time and it reaches a point where I can't ignore it.

I leave the table when everyone's distracted by something one of the kids has burst into the dining room to say and I'm able to slip into the kitchen. Feeling just a little guilty, I steal two beers from the fridge and grab my shoes and jacket on my way to the back door.

It's cold outside and I should really be inside with the warmth and the conversation and the laughter so hard, my stomach aches, but I'm not. I'm outside again because I can't let myself enjoy anything for too long. It all becomes stale and the taste is horrible to me. I wish I wasn't like this – the kind of person that has to sit outside in the snow instead of staying inside around people I actually fucking like.

I haven't had any beer since Danny's party and usually, I'm not into alcohol unless I'm partying, but this is pretty good. It's sweeter than the stuff my teammates buy.

The light from the house is spilling out into the backyard and the snowy ground is bathed in the warmth of the dining room chandelier. I find myself staring at the snow for a long time as I nurse my beer, feeling lighter the more I down.

I've just cracked open the second one when the back door opens behind me. I hide the bottle behind my leg on the stair and turn to look at the back door.

Alex steps out onto the porch, his breath hanging in the air as he exhales. He pushes the door closed behind him and comes to join me on the top stair. He sinks down beside me and swipes up a bottle cap, rolling it between his fingers before he looks my way.

"How many did you take?" he asks and for a split second, fear runs through me. He shakes his head just a little and the expression on my face must be clear as day. "I'm not angry. I just want to know if I'll be carrying you in by the end of the night."

I shrug, dropping my gaze as I swipe the bottle from the stair again. "This is… the second," I mumble, glancing toward Alex in the silence. "I only took two, I promise."

Alex nods, shifting his gaze away from me. He exhales again and I watch his breath drift into the night air until it's too high and the darkness of night steals it away. His stare is focused away from me when I look his way again and I feel this hesitation between us. Like we're both waiting on each other to make the first move.

I don't know what to say but something is better than nothing and he looks like he could use the conversation. He might have followed me out here but I think he needs the distance from his family just as much as I do.

"I didn't know that you knew Chuck," I say, waiting for him to look at me but he doesn't. So I continue anyway, letting out a breath as I run my thumb along the lip of my beer. "He's never mentioned you before. And I've known him since I was a kid. Well, twelve anyway. I guess that's still a kid? But yeah, he's never-"

I stop rambling and spewing words at Alex when he draws in a breath that shakes. Something is tearing at him and I don't know how to help him. I don't know if I'm supposed to put my hand on his shoulder like he always does to me or if I'm supposed to pretend that I don't recognize the tell-tale signs. I don't know if I'm supposed to get his mom or Kendra or if I'm supposed to deal with this myself. I don't know what to do, I just know that I don't want to do it wrong.

"I don't… know what's going on but I know that… something's eating at you. And… I want to help. I-If you'll let me," I breathe, too scared to make a move or say another word.

Tension settles quickly between us but Alex breaks it. He drops his head, running his hand through his hair before he looks at me, nodding just a little, and I don't understand it. I don't know if he's letting me know that yeah, something's definitely going on, or if he's telling me to help him. Tell me how, Alex. I don't even know how to help myself.

"There's a lot about me that you don't know," he says, his voice quiet on the few words. He seems to draw on some kind of strength in the silence that hangs between us and I almost envy him for how effortless he makes it look. Where I'm clenched fists and hot tears, he's a simple breath. A single moment just to compose himself. I can't help but be envious.

He turns toward me but he doesn't lift his stare to mine. "I can't… tell you all of it yet. Because some of it… some of it, I'm still figuring out myself. But what I can tell you isn't something you want to hear. And I'm sorry," he breathes, his eyes falling closed as his breath hitches again, taking my heart with him. "I'm so sorry, Dash. I should have told you this a long time ago but I didn't know how in the beginning and then every day was just another day you didn't know the truth and eventually… eventually, I just couldn't tell you cause I didn't want you to see me that way. I didn't want everything between us to change."

I swallow hard past the lump in my throat and draw in a breath, finding the strength to speak from somewhere deep inside myself. "It won't change anything. Just… tell me what's going on."

Alex lifts his head to look at me and I expected tears in his eyes. But his expression is clear, his only hesitation seeming to be for me. And I don't know why he's making this about me again. Whatever pain he's been dealing with – whatever he's kept from me – it's his turn to talk about it. He has a right to say it out loud and get it off his chest and I wish I could say that. I wish I could tell him that my shit doesn't matter in this moment because it's about him. It's about him now.

"I knew what your father was like when I hired you to work at the garage."

His confession hangs in the air between us and I don't understand it. How did he know? And so what if he did? Half the fucking town knew what Howard Baxter was capable of when I was a kid. Word spreads fast in a small town and showing up to my first day of high school with handprints around my neck wasn't exactly a good way to keep this shit quiet. Of course Alex knew. Who didn't know back then?

He cuts me off when I start to say that it's okay. He silences me with just a look because there are tears in his eyes now. He's sunk his teeth into his bottom lip and he's trying to hold it in but I know what it's like to be on the edge of breaking. He's close now but he's trying to hold himself together for me. It's okay, Alex. You can let go.

"I saw it," he admits, hanging his head before I get a look at his expression. He shakes his head, sniffling loudly in the silence that's encased us and I don't know what to say. I don't know how to ask him what he means by that.

Alex lifts his head, dragging in a staggered breath and raking his hands through his hair as he turns his gaze skyward. "Fuck," he whispers softly, shaking his head again. "I saw it, Dash. You had just played a little league game. Couldn't have been older than twelve. And I was coming around the side of the bleachers and I saw it, Dash. I saw him hit you and I saw you-"

He cuts himself off, almost choking over the words and fear splits through me. I don't know why he's crying over me. I don't know why this is such a big deal to him. I don't care that he's known the truth for so long now. I don't fucking care. I just want him to not be sad anymore.

"I thought about you for a long fucking time after that night. I kept thinking that I should have stepped in, I should have done something. But your mother showed up and you left with them and I tried to tell myself that she'd protect you at home," he says, dragging his hands through his hair again. He clasps his hands at the base of his neck, breathing heavily and a strangled sob leaves him, completely frazzling me.

I scoot closer to him on the stair, my hand shaking but I put it on his back. I rub a slow circle like he does to me and Alex twists his fingers around strands of his hair, seeming like he's trying desperately to hang onto a shred of sanity. I know what that looks like. What it feels like. And there's not much I can do for him other than just be here.

"It's okay, Alex," I breathe, and he shakes his head again. "I-I mean it, it's okay. I'm fine. I'm here and I'm… I'm fine, okay?"

He pushes away from me, dragging in a breath that sounds more like he's strangling and he shakes his head again. "No," he coughs out, sitting upright again and gulping down air. I can see him in the warm light from the dining room and I see my own brokenness reflected in him. It's in every shaky noise that leaves him. Every hitch of his breathing and every strangled sob that chokes him. We're alike. Always have been. And I don't think that him knowing the truth for so long is the only reason he's come out here to talk. There's more. There has to be more.

"Is there something you want to tell me?"

Alex looks at me then. His blotchy face illuminated by the light spilling from the house and every hitch of his breath is magnified by the silence around us. He stares at me and I stare back at him. Until the cold makes me shiver. Until he swallows hard. Until he finally says it.

"My dad was just like yours."

This truth settles more like a weight on my shoulders but it makes so much fucking sense, I don't doubt it for even a second. And after it hits me what he's said, the shock wears off faster than it should. It makes sense. Of course his dad was like mine.

"I'm sorry," I breathe into the open air and Alex laughs roughly, the sound not amused at all. I don't know what else to say or what he needs to hear. He's a lot like me but he's also nothing like me. I don't know how to help him when I don't even know what helps me.

He drags in another breath that shakes and I don't know how to pull him down from whatever ledge he's been talking himself up to all day. I don't know how to help him. That's the worst part of this whole mess. I don't know how to help.

"I've been terrified to tell you the truth. But after everything that's happened with you… I know I can't lie to you anymore," he breathes, his eyes falling closed again.

I don't know what to say. I don't think there's anything to say. I just know that seeing Alex this way hurts. I don't want him to keep this shit bottled up inside but I can't stand seeing his tears. He's supposed to be unshakeable.

"You didn't technically lie to me," I mumble, shrugging when Alex looks at me. "You just… never offered the information, I guess. And it's not like I can blame you for that."

He exhales out again with a nod and I look away from him, lifting the beer bottle to my lips for a long pull. Alex is watching me when I look his way again and my breath catches in my throat. "What?"

Alex shakes his head. "Nothing. But just so you know, tonight's the only night I'm letting you get away with that," he says, nodding to the bottle. "You're underage. And mom will have my head if I let you get drunk like this."

That drags a laugh from me and the sound makes Alex smile. I know that things are still a wreck for him and that one night like this won't fix him. But he seems lighter somehow – like the simple conversation we've shared has lifted the weight from his shoulders for just a few moments. And if that's what he needs for tonight, I'll give it to him. Because we both know that he's always given me everything.


I don't know how long we talk outside but it feels like hours have passed since I stepped out here. I've finished the second beer and it's making me feel like I'm floating. Like everything in the world is too far out of reach for me to worry about right now. And I fucking love to float.

When the back door opens, Alex looks past me at the door. I look over my shoulder at who it is but it's hard to tell from the angle. But when the door shuts and he shuffles forward a few paces, I recognize Alex's uncle.

"Hey," Alex greets him, scooting over a little on the stair. "Avoiding the family, too?"

His uncle Tony chuckles softly, shaking his head as he settles down. "No. But your mom's looking for you. Charles is too," he says, giving Alex a sidelong glance in the silence.

It takes me a few seconds to realize who that is but from the look on Alex's face, I can't help but wonder if whatever's going on between him and Chuck has anything to do with what he told me. That his father was the way mine is.

"Alright… I guess I'll go figure out what they want me for," Alex says, seeming to draw some kind of strength from deep inside himself, before he stands up. He looks down at me again, putting his hand on my shoulder. "You coming inside with me?"

Before I get the chance to respond, Tony clears his throat softly and looks at me. "If it's alright with you, I'd like a word first. It won't take long," he promises, looking up at Alex, who's frozen on the top step, looking between us.

Alex glances back at me so I nod, letting him know that I'm okay. I don't know what his uncle wants to talk to me about but I don't care right now. I feel freer than I have in a long time and I don't know if it's the beer or if it's the feeling of being around a family that isn't my own. Either way, I feel okay enough for a conversation.

Alex leaves then, closing the door softly behind him, and I shift on the stair a little, leaning my back against the railing. I look up at his uncle, folding my arms over my chest as a shiver races through me. "What's up?"

He lets out a quiet breath, looking toward me in the silence with a soft smile. "I didn't know you before these last few days. And hell – you don't get to know someone after a handful ofconversations. You know that as well as I do," he says, leaning forward to place his hand on my knee. "But I like you, Dash. I think you're a good kid."

Some variation of 'thanks' tumbles from my mouth cause I don't know what else to say and Tony laughs. He shakes his head, looking away from me and out into the yard. He stares out at the snow for a few seconds before he looks back at me.

"I don't know you. But I know my sister," he says, meeting my gaze in the silence that's fallen between us. "I know Tatiana's heart better than anyone. And if she's set on you this way then you must be special."

I swallow hard, feeling a lump in the back of my throat that I try to ignore. "I-I like her too," I mumble, dropping my gaze as I sink down further against the railing. I blow out a breath, turning to look at the snow gathered in the back yard.

Tony exhales out a breath quietly, hesitating a few seconds before he turns to me again. He looks me over like he's trying to figure me out and I don't blame him. I'm a stranger that part of his family has welcomed in. I'd have questions too if I were him.

"I don't know your story. And I won't pretend that I do," he says, raising his hands in surrender already. "But I've seen the way that Alex looks at you. I know his care and concern for you comes from a place that I'll never understand. It's something… only the two of you get."

The way that Tony's looking at me reminds me of the things Alex confessed to me tonight. How he knew about my dad. How his own was just like mine. And it makes it hard to swallow. Hard to breathe. But I don't want to shy away from this or pretend that Tony's got it wrong. He's right. He's so fucking right.

I shrug and push away from the railing just a little, wishing I had another bottle of beer to drain in this moment. If I was downing alcohol I wouldn't be talking. And if I wasn't talking, I wouldn't have to think about the way my words sound or phrase things carefully.

"I'm… a lot like Alex. I don't… know all the pain he's been through but… I-I get it. More than most," I say, stealing a glance at Tony's face, hoping that it's enough. That he understands what I'm trying to say.

Tony holds my gaze in silence for a few seconds and when he nods, he doesn't look away from me and I know he's got it now. I know he understand and that makes a relieved sigh slip from me in the quiet that's blanketed the two of us.

"I know that you don't know me but I want you to know that if there's ever anything you need, you can always give me a call," Tony says, drawing in a breath before he lets it out. "I've helped Alex out of a couple of scrapes over the years and… you can call on me just the same."

I give him a nod and a small smile, not entirely sure what to say. "Thanks. That uh… means a lot."

Tony grins broadly, patting me on the shoulder before he stands. "I should head back inside, see what my sisters need help with. Try not to stay out here too late or Alex will come looking for you," he says and I nod, shifting my gaze back to the snow. His footsteps crunch across the snow that's fallen along the porch and he hesitates outside the back door.

"You know," he says softly, waiting until I turn around to look at him to continue. "Seeing as Tatiana's ready to take you in as part of the family, that basically makes you my nephew. Same as Chuck."

After another smile from him, he opens the back door and disappears inside the house, the door clicking shut behind him.

I should probably head back inside too. But I don't feel like being around everyone again so soon. I feel weird inside and I don't know why. It's not exactly anxiety but something drives me to the point where my head is in my hands and I'm drawing in careful breaths to keep from shaking.

My hands and my heart know what to do before my brain has a chance to catch up. Without even thinking about it, I'm dialing Danny's number. I don't hesitate on pressing the call button but it sends my heart into my throat as I listen to the dial tone, waiting on him to pick up.

"Hello?" his voice comes softly through the line and I exhale out.

A laugh is stirred from somewhere in my soul and it comes out almost forced in the quiet of the backyard. "H-Hi," I squeak out, grinning to no one but myself as I shiver. "Merry Christmas."

He breathes out too and I hear a door shut on his end before he speaks. "Merry Christmas, Dash. How are things there?" he asks. "Everything going okay with Alex's family?"

"Yeah, things are… things are going pretty great here. It's weird, I thought…" I chew on my bottom lip, trying to find the right words and Danny gives me the space I need to find them. "I guess I thought that it'd be more awkward than it's been? But… the whole family's been really kind. And Alex is… h-he's been great too. Really understanding."

I don't know how to bring up all the truth he told me outside tonight and I find myself not wanting to, either. For some reason, I want to keep that part to myself for a while. Maybe just for tonight or maybe for a few days more.

"Good. I'm glad it's been easier on you," he says, letting out a heavy sigh that hints at his own tension. "I uh… I've missed you."

That sends a shock down my spine and I draw in a careful breath, counting the heartbeats that pass in between us in the silence. I've missed him too. God, I've fucking missed him. He said we need to give each other space and just focus on the holidays right now but… I want to see him .

"I've missed you too," I breathe, congratulating myself on the lack of stutter in my words. I let out a quiet breath, running my free hand up and down the leg of my jeans, trying to keep warm and trying to shake the tension from my limbs. "You think I can… come by in the next couple of days?"

He makes a soft noise. "Now's not a good time. My parents have been… well, you don't know my parents around the holidays but they're intense. Worse than usual," he says, hesitating a second or two before he asks. "How about I come see you instead?"

I don't know if that's a good idea either. Alex's family might stick around for a few days and I don't think I'm up for introducing him to a bunch of people as my sort-of-boyfriend. We didn't get a chance to talk about that part of this whole thing but that's not how I want to introduce him the first time. I want to get it right the first time. But god I want to see him.

"Y-Yeah, that'll probably work," I say, scratching the back of my head as I think it over. "Just let me… let me talk to Alex and his mom and I'll text you what day's good?"

I can hear the smile in his tone as he comes back with, "Sure – it's a date!"

That makes me blush furiously and any attempt at casual conversation is destroyed right then. I can't think clearly when I'm thinking about him like that. He makes everything harder but he makes everything so fucking good.

We make small-talk for a while and though it's mostly meaningless, it means so fucking much because it's him. Because it's him and he means so fucking much. And as the night wears on and he makes me laugh, I feel like every dark part of myself is turning white like the snow on the ground.


I go back inside when it's too cold to even feel my face and I've whispered a quiet goodbye to Danny. I promise to text him when I know a good day for him to come by and already, the nerves are threatening to eat me alive.

Tatiana fusses over me, saying I shouldn't have stayed out there so long. I take it with a grin and a few contrite looks and she turns her fussing over to Tony, saying that he shouldn't have let me stay out there so long.

Tony is at a loss for words, simply repeating that I'm old enough to know when it's too cold. That I didn't freeze to death and that's something. And it makes me laugh cause it's true and cause of the look on Tatiana's face when he says it.

I leave the two of them to argue more and I head upstairs to get a shower in. I feel warm and happy inside despite the fact that I'm so cold, my teeth are chattering. I think it's being in this house. I think it's being around this family. I think it's the fact that everything's falling into place and I feel so fucking good.


Something wakes me in the middle of the night. I don't know if it's the wind or if it's my own heart racing but something drags me from sleep and I'm panicking before I even know that I'm awake. I think I might have screamed but it's hard to tell beyond the pounding of my own heart.

I end up with my head in my hands, shaking all over and trying to keep from vomiting. Alex sits up with me, trying to calm me down, but like last night, it doesn't work. I start to cry, the shame overtaking me and turning my quiet tears into sobbing. I try to smother it with the covers, my whole body shaking.

Alex keeps running his hands down my arms, tugging me against his chest, whispering softly to me – anything to get me to calm down. It doesn't work. None of it does. And when his bedroom door creaks open and light floods the room, I jerk upright again.

It takes a few seconds – and a lot of blinking – to clear my eyes, but I realize it's Tatiana and I can't hold the tears at bay for long. I bury my face back in the covers, trying to come down from whatever the fuck this shaking is, and Alex keeps his hand on my upper back.

Tatiana turns the light on and closes the door before she crosses over to where I am, sitting down on the edge of the bed. It's silent in the room aside from my sobbing and the sound of it only makes me cry harder. I don't know what's wrong. I don't fucking know what's wrong.

I was sleeping and I think I saw my dad's face or maybe it was my mom's but either way, I'm shaking and there's no coming down from this. Even when Alex whispers that I'm gonna be okay. Even when Tatiana puts her hand on my shoulder and softly tells me that she's here. There's no fixing this. There's no fixing me.

Alex leaves my side and before I have the chance to look up at him, Tatiana's taken his place. She pulls me into her arms and against her chest and I try to stop shaking but I can't. She shushes me softly, pressing kisses to my forehead, and words leave me like broken glass, cutting my tongue on the way out.

"I-I hate him. I fu-fucking hate him."

Tatiana holds me tighter, rocking me just a little as she kisses my forehead again. "I know, baby. I know," she says softly, holding me while cry. While I fall apart. While I try to build my world back up around all the shattered pieces I've been left with. I don't know what to do. I don't know where I go from this. All I know is that I don't want to be this fucking broken forever.


A/N:

Yoooo! Welcome back to another update!

First things first, did you guys suspect the whole Alex's dad was abusive angle? For those of you that did suspect it, did I do it justice for you? I really wanted the confession scene to be good and I must have gone over it four or five times trying to get it right. In the end, it is what it is. I think I did okay but let me know what you think of it

This chapter gives me all the feels cause it's Christmas and Dash is both sad and happy and there's so much angst injected into it, just… ahh! All the feels

SO. What'd you think? Did you like the phone call at the end with the boys? What do you think of Anastasia? She's honestly one of my favorite characters for Dash to interact with. There's just something about their relationship that I love

Daaaaaash got presents! Honestly, I'm still a little emotional over that part. HE DESERVES THE FUCKING WORLD OKAY. Not to mention he's been through hell, poor thing lmao

But anyway – I'd love to know what you think of it. Good or bad, I always want to hear your thoughts. So if you gotta, send em my way

The title of this chapter comes from Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney. Throwback to the classics, my dudes. also it's great Christmas song and totally gets me in the spirit

Thanks again for sticking with this story. I'm not gonna go into the mushy spiel again but I appreciate the fuck out of all of you. You're the best. I hope your holiday season is kicking off right and you're enjoying time with friends and the like

I don't know what the next month has in store for me, a lot is up in the air. I'm gonna try to squeeze in an update sometime after Christmas but we'll see if I can get one done before New Years. I don't really like the idea of taking an entire month off but we'll see what happens, right? At the very least, I can promise that I'll try to have an update in

Next update, expect the angst to continue, fluff for Dash, and just general Moreno shenanigans. Thanks again for everything

See you all next update!