I wake up before Alex does. He's still sleeping soundly but my heart's beating out of time again. It's different than what woke me last night. It's less like panic. It's more like the moment you miss a step going down a staircase. Just a split second where you think you might fall. But even though you right yourself, that second seems to linger. Sends this shock through your system. Legs tingly, hand gripping the banister. It's exhausting. That's the feeling wrapped around my chest.
I can hear people talking and generally moving around so I get up. I don't know if I'm ready to face them all yet but I think I can manage a shower. I feel like I need one. Wash away last night's shame, clinging to me like a second skin. I think it'll help. If the pounding water doesn't reopen the burns on my back.
The water's warm when I get in and I savor it, not turning my back to it. I face the shower spray the whole time, afraid to turn around. In the end, I don't feel that clean but… it is what it is.
Alex is still asleep when I leave the shower. So I get my phone and leave him to sleep some more. Everyone's downstairs, taking up the kitchen and living room spaces. I feel the urge to turn and run back up the stairs but Anastasia catches sight of me.
"Finally decided to make an appearance?" she asks with a grin, looking behind me. "Where's Alex?"
It's hard to breathe when a few people look my way. I don't want the attention on me. And the lingering memory of last night is pounding into me with every beat of my heart. I taste it at the back of my throat. Like I'll never be free of it.
"Still asleep." I take another step down the stairs and drop my hold on the banister. No matter how tightly I hold onto it, that shock is already coursing through me. No matter how many stairs I make it down in one piece.
I don't know if Tatiana told anyone here about what happened last night or if they all heard me. Either way, shame sews itself to my skin and takes root in my chest. I find it hard to breathe right when I'm in a room with more than a handful of people. So I drift listlessly as everyone packs up and goodbyes are exchanged.
I'm hiding out in the kitchen when I hear Tony ask about it.
"Hey, hermana, is Dash okay?"
Tatiana sighs and the sound tears at me. "No. You heard him last night?" she asks, lowering her voice when she adds something in Spanish.
It's killing me not to know what they're saying. I wish I could find Anastasia. Maybe she'd translate for me.
"I can stay for a few days," Tony says softly, exhaling out heavily. "He'll be okay. If he's anything like Alex-"
"That's what I'm afraid of," Tatiana comes back with, her voice quivering on the few words. "He's so young and I-I see so much of Alexander in him. I… don't want him to make the same mistakes."
Fuck, I wish they'd talk entirely in Spanish. I don't want to hear about Alex's jaded past. He hasn't told me all of it – if he wanted me to know, he'd tell me. It's not my place to fucking eavesdrop on this conversation.
"We have one thing now that we didn't have then – we've got Alex," Tony says, a small laugh escaping him. "Come on, you've seen how he cares for the boy. Trust me, Alexander will never let him spiral that way. He'll keep him safe."
Tatiana whispers something back in Spanish and Tony simply responds with a soft, "I know, I know."
I move away from the kitchen door, trying to find something to busy myself with in the kitchen. My hands are starting to tremble and I don't know how to stop it. I just wish this whole thing was over with. I wish I was back at Alex's apartment – just me, him, and Kendra. We'd watch old movies again and drink coffee and forget the holidays ever fucking happened.
Maybe when he wakes up, I'll ask him to get me the hell out of here. Maybe just for a few hours. Just enough space to breathe again. I think it'll help. And even if it doesn't, I think I'm just desperate enough to try anything.
Emilio decides he's going home instead, taking Adrian with him. Which just leaves Tony sticking around. I don't know why it scratches at me the way it does but it's painful just to breathe.
Anastasia comes to get me when Emilio's leaving cause Adrian wants to say goodbye. I'm still trying to hide out from everyone but… he's just a kid. So I leave my makeshift sanctuary and venture out into the living room.
The kid's weaving in between everyone's legs, laughing hysterically the whole time. I don't know why my stomach clenches when he looks at me but I try to breathe past it.
"Daaash!" he cheers my name as he rushes over to me.
I feel shitty for having to force the smile but I do it for him. He's only a kid. He wouldn't understand why I don't feel like smiling.
"Hey. Going home?" I ask, kneeling down to his level. He's got that red sheet draped over one arm, the yellow D faded just a little.
Adrian's grinning as he bobs his head. "Yup. Me and papa have lots to do," he says, continuing on in Spanish like I've got any fucking clue what it means. I nod anyway and he keeps going.
Emilio snorts quietly, coming up behind Adrian. He pats his son on the shoulder, calling his name softly. "We need to get going, eh, niño?"
Adrian pouts but he steps closer to me and holds his arms out for a hug. I hold him gently – distantly aware that almost everyone in the room is watching us. But he wants a hug. So it doesn't matter how awkward I'm feeling – I'll hug him.
When he pulls back from me, Emilio gives me a smile. "Hey, thanks for keeping him entertained yesterday. I know he can be a handful."
I rise from my crouched position, shrugging one shoulder. "No problem. He's a funny kid."
Emilio's eyes light up and he laughs softly. "Yeah, isn't he?" He drops his gaze down to Adrian, tousling his hair with one hand. "Best thing that ever happened to me."
I don't think either of my parents would say that about me. I know my mom wouldn't. Jury's still out on my dad, I guess.
"It's been good meeting you. I can tell Alex loves having you around," Emilio says, breaking my train of thought. He takes half a step toward me, his arms out for a hug too.
I've never been around people like this. He doesn't even know me but he's offering up a hug. I wonder if there's something in the Moreno's blood. Something akin to kindness.
I step into his embrace and Emilio fits his arms tightly across my back. I don't let on how much it hurts. His hug feels a little like Alex's. He's about the same height. But it's different – the familiarity is gone. And even though I've liked getting to know him too, I still feel weird when we part.
He pats my shoulders, smiling at me before he steps back, taking Adrian with him.
"Hey, tell Alex to call me later, yeah?" he asks, turning to Tatiana with the question. She smiles with a nod and he goes to hug her too.
Emilio hugs her tightly before he moves on to Chuck. "Next time I'm in town – you, me, and Alex are going for beers at Javier's place, got it?" He half-turns back to Tatiana, rambling something in Spanish that she nods at. "Okay, I'll catch him next time then."
After he's hugged Chuck, he pulls Kendra into his embrace. He speaks softly to her in Spanish and when she pulls away to smile at him, I get the sense that she's shaken by his words. I don't know what he's said but I hate seeing it pick at her this way.
When Emilio and Adrian have hugged everyone, Anastasia offers to walk them out. They're the last family to leave. There's something almost final about them walking out the door. But I can't find my voice and even if I could, there's nothing I could say.
Chuck locks up after Anastasia comes back inside and when Tatiana slowly turns to look at me, she lets out a breath. I expect her to pounce then. To bring up last night. I expect her to tell everyone what happened and I can feel myself slowly slipping away. I don't want to do this now. Please don't make me do this now.
"Chess," Tony says quietly, looking at me when I manage to tear my gaze away from Tatiana. He gives me a small smile. "My father and I used to play chess every year on the day after Christmas. Would you like to play a game with me?"
I don't know why he's asking me but I don't want to stand here under Tatiana's gaze any longer. So I mumble okay and I follow him into the dining room. He promises to walk me through the rules and tells me to take a seat. He offers to put on a pot of coffee for us and I can only nod.
I practically collapse into one of the chairs when he leaves and every part of me feels electrified. Like I'm just waiting for something to happen before I blow up or catch fire or something. And no matter how hard I try to calm down, something in me just can't fucking chill out.
When Tony comes back, he's got the game with him and he sets the board down in front of me. "Do you know how to play?" he asks, drawing the playing pieces out of a drawstring bag. He explains how to set up the pieces on the board when I shake my head and moving the pieces around brings a small bit of calm to my otherwise rattled brain.
He walks me through the rules of the game and after one practice play-through, we start playing a real game. Concentrating on making my next move and watching out for what he might do to counteract it forces me to focus on something else. It drags my brain out of the part that's quick to panic and into the part that's more logical. I'm forced to think about something other than my own problems and I find myself drifting away from everything that felt so damn important before now.
I lose the first game we play but I beat him in the second one. And strangely enough, it doesn't feel like he let me win either. I think I beat him fairly. And when he gives me a grin and tells me congratulations, I fucking bask in it.
We're setting up for a third game when Alex comes down the stairs and into the dining room. His hair's messed up from sleep and he blinks a couple times as he looks between us.
"Hey," he greets, his morning voice gravelly. He clears his throat once before he looks to Tony. "Is everyone gone?"
Tony nods, placing his final pawn on the board before he turns around to look at Alex. "Emilio left about half an hour ago."
Alex nods slowly, dropping his gaze to the floor for a split second before he looks up again. "A-And… Chuck?"
Tony shakes his head. "No, he was here earlier. I think your sister dragged him out…" he trails off, raising his eyebrows. "Something about showing him something you asked her to?"
A knowing look crosses Alex's face and he smiles softly, nodding again. "Okay, cool. I'll call them in a minute – see how it's going."
I don't understand what's passing between them but at least there aren't tears in Alex's eyes this time. I'll take anything over that sight again.
"I'm gonna get some coffee," I say softly, pushing away from the table.
Alex looks my way, nodding once. "Yeah, I'll be in there in a second. We should… probably talk."
Fuck. I knew he'd want to talk about last night eventually. I just thought he'd give me a little more time. I don't want to think about it yet. It's still twisted tightly around my throat – threatening to choke me if I speak at all.
I escape to the kitchen, everything in me thrumming as I find a mug in the cabinet above the coffee pot. I can hear Alex talking softly with his uncle in the dining room. But I've only got enough time to stir in sugar before I hear his footsteps following after me. I try to brace myself but there's never enough time to prepare for the kind of conversations Alex wants to have.
"Hey," he calls, his voice soft on the one word and I let out a low breath, trying to keep myself in the moment and away from darker thoughts. It was easier in the dining room with his uncle Tony. When I was concentrating on something other than my own thoughts and my inner turmoil. But here in the kitchen with Alex, I might as well be naked in front of him.
I stir creamer into my coffee slowly, watching the way it turns the black coffee light brown. It takes everything in me not to run. But I draw on what little strength was infused in my bones from my time with Tony and I turn to face Alex. I lean back against the counter I'm standing in front of, bringing my coffee mug to my lips before I respond. "Hey."
Everything in me is still unsteady as I hold Alex's gaze but I manage to keep myself from looking away. He's the one to finally break the stare between us and it's with a sigh so heavy, it sounds like he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. But he's not. It's just me and my problems again.
"Dash… we have to talk about this," he says, his voice weak – like I could sway him away from his decision. We don't have to talk about anything. I've had nightmares before, they always go away eventually. It's just been a long time since it was ever this bad.
I shrug when he looks up at me again. "I'm fine, Alex. This… isn't the first time I've had trouble sleeping," I mumble, drinking my coffee again when the silence falls between us. I don't want to talk about this. I don't even want to think about it. I sleep better when I take my painkillers before bed – maybe I'll start taking them at night instead.
"Look, I know you don't want to hear this but… I talked to my mom about it," he says, pausing when I groan. "I know. And I'm sorry but I don't know what else to do. I want to help you but there's nothing I can do. S-So, my mom and I came up with a solution. Something you might benefit from."
He pauses there, fidgeting nervously when I drag my stare up to his again and he swallows hard when he looks at me. There's some kind of tension in his every movement but he lets it all go with the one breath he exhales, his words tumbling out too.
"We both think you might get something out of seeing a therapist."
A therapist? He wants me to go talk to a therapist just cause I'm having a little trouble sleeping?
I snort, shaking my head before I take in another sip from my coffee. The only thing worse than talking to a therapist about this shit is going to the police about my dad. It's not a big deal and it'll pass. It always does. I just gotta get through the next couple of days until it's done.
"No," I respond, watching Alex's expression fall. "I'm sorry but that's… it's just not me."
I offer up another shrug when Alex lifts his gaze to mine. I blow out a breath and shake my head as I start for the exit. But Alex grabs my arm before I can leave and he hesitates a few seconds before meeting my gaze in the silence.
"Just so you know… I went to therapy, too. For a long time and I… it helps, Dash. I promise you, it helps," he says, his voice quiet on the words – like he's afraid that someone else will hear him. But it's just me standing in the kitchen and I don't want to hear him.
I want him to back down or change his mind about this. I don't want to fucking go to a therapist and talk about all this shit. It changes nothing. I still have to go through it even if I talk to someone else about it. Talking doesn't do shit for the situation I'm in. I've just gotta get through it.
"I know you're worried but you shouldn't be. I'm fine," I say, hating how cold my tone is as I pull my arm from Alex. I drag in a breath that shakes and I look away from him with another shrug. "I appreciate it but I just… I'm not going to a therapist."
I leave the kitchen then, pretending to myself that I've won somehow. That fashioning this wall between us makes me stronger. Like this shit doesn't hurt anymore. But it hurts. It always fucking hurts. And therapist or no therapist, I have to get through this before it kills me.
I keep my distance from Alex all day and I think he can tell. Tatiana heats up leftovers for lunch when the time comes and I sit next to Tony – the farthest I can get from Alex without making it look intentional.
I've spent years practicing the art of avoiding someone – but my heart still crashes in my chest when I nearly run into him. The Moreno house is big enough to avoid someone in but I think Alex might be trying to catch me.
So I hide out in the kitchen with Tatiana – making more desserts than any of us could possibly eat. There's not that many of us left. But she keeps baking so I stick around her.
Chuck and Anastasia get back just before dinner. Chuck stays for dinner but he mentions that he's going home afterward. I know I'm not the only one that notices Alex's disappointment but Chuck seems oblivious to it. He keeps the conversation lively and energetic throughout dinner and when the meal's done, he gets up to leave.
I don't know why but we all get up from the table and follow Chuck to the front door. He gives all of us a hug, touching me gently when he gets to me. When he pulls away from me, he gives me a strong smile and pats my shoulder before he leaves.
When the door closes behind him, Tatiana and Alex stand in front of the screen door, watching him walk down to his car. Alex says something softly to his mom and I barely catch her response. But I hear her say, "Go after him" and he does.
As soon as the door swings shut behind him, I shuffle forward in the foyer and come to stand next to Tatiana. She smiles softly, sliding her arm around my shoulders and I don't tell her that it hurts. I just let her hold me and I watch Alex go down the walk and the way Chuck turns back to him when his name is called.
I can't hear what they're saying but I can read the body language between the two of them. Alex is stumbling footsteps and nervous hands. Chuck is strong shoulders held high and silent observing. One of them takes a step closer to the other and then they're hugging, hanging on like they're afraid to let go and watch the other disappear.
I don't know what happened between the two of them and I don't think it's any of my business but my mind wanders. I think about what Alex confessed to me last night. About the way he hugged Chuck when he first showed up here yesterday. The way that he's followed Chuck down to his car and is holding on to him again. I don't get it. I don't get any of it.
"Tatiana… how does Chuck know your family?" I ask softly, afraid my voice will carry to the two outside. But neither of them look my way and neither does Tatiana. Not even when I shrug her arm off of my shoulders.
She lets out a quiet breath, keeping her gaze outside as she responds. "He met Alex in high school. They were both freshmen and… I don't know. They became friends. Started hanging out here all the time and… we just sort of welcomed him in as part of the family."
I've always tried so hard to keep my parents separate from my friends because I always knew that I'd have to really trust someone before they could see the truth. I thought I had to protect my dad but he's the police chief. His word is law. I never should have wasted my breath trying to protect him.
I leave the foyer and join Kendra and Anastasia in the kitchen, helping to clean up anything that's out of place. At first, Kendra doesn't want me to help and I guess she's worried about me still being in pain. So I just take the wet dishes from Anastasia and dry them before Kendra has a chance to.
Alex and Tatiana come into the kitchen as the three of us are finishing up and he looks so fucking lighter. There's almost a bounce to his step as he walks and I don't get it. It's just Chuck. I've known him since I was a kid.
"Just before dinner, I slid in a blackberry pie and I've had it cooling since we sat down to eat," Tatiana says, smiling broadly at the four of us in the kitchen. "Do you want some of it?"
When we all more or less agree, she tells Anastasia to get some plates and forks. She calls Tony's name and wanders off to go find him. Anastasia takes down a stack of plates from one of the cabinets, muttering under her breath about how we just washed these, and I get forks from the silverware drawer.
I practically drag my feet into the dining room, wanting to be anywhere else right now. I can feel the tension working its way up inside my chest again and I don't want to do this anymore. I want to escape to Alex's room or go to sleep or something to get away from this.
Tatiana and Tony come into the dining room before I can decide to make a run for it so I sink down uneasily into a chair. Tony comes to sit in the chair next to me and as everyone else takes their place, I keep drifting off inside myself. I know everyone around me is talking and I can distantly hear what they're saying but none of it phases me. None of it makes any sense.
Anastasia bumps my elbow with hers but when I look up at her, I don't know what she's said. I don't know what she's asked me and I don't know how the fuck to respond. I don't know why swallowing is hard and I don't know why tears prick the corners of my eyes as I look away from Anastasia.
Tatiana sets a plate down in front of me and I don't look up at her. Everyone around me keeps up the chatter, laughing at jokes I don't understand, and old stories I wasn't a part of. And it tears at me. As I push down bite after bite of blackberry pie, it chokes me. It makes it impossible to breathe.
I always thought of myself as strong. The kind of person that comes up against something and despite all the fucking odds, I find my way out of it. Cause I'm made of tougher stuff and I've got courage poured into my bones. But the truth is I'm a coward and I run when things get tough. And sometimes – when running's become too much effort – I simply break down like an old fucking car.
I don't know if I hear one of them call my name first or if I'm out of my chair before they do. Either way – I have to get away.
Alex leaves his chair and though I make a break for the stairs, I'm not quick enough to outrun him. He catches my arm and holds on tight – keeping me from running. My heart is pounding and tears are still pricking the corners of my eyes. I taste blackberries. And I silently beg Alex to let me go.
"Hey, don't leave," he says softly, asking far too much of me in this moment. "Come on, just… let us help you."
They can't. No one can. I'm a lost cause and I've just been fucking kidding myself that anything could change. I'm still Howard Baxter's son. All the shit that comes along with the name is still trapped inside my chest.
"Alex," I practically whisper his name but he still hears me.
He keeps his hold on me. Silently urges me to come back to the table. But I can't. If I go back there, I'll shatter into a million pieces. I don't want anyone to hold me together. I just want to be alone so I can fucking break.
"Stay."
There's such a promise to the one word. I can taste it – it tries to wash out the blackberries lingering on my tongue. But it's not enough. He can ask me to stay. But it doesn't change anything. Even if I turn around and go back to the table, all this shit will still come with me.
"I can't," I whisper.
His hold has loosened just a bit – enough for me to slip out of. But he's quick to capture my hand, his fingers closed around my palm. My eyes are stinging and I just want to get away but he won't let me. I can't do this. I can't break down like I do every time.
"Please, Dash."
"I can't," I repeat, stressing the word.
"We're here for you – all of us. You don't have to do this alone anymore," he's whispering now too and it picks at me. At these walls I've spent years building up between me and everyone that knows the truth.
"Alex, please. Let me go," I practically beg but he won't give in.
I pull on his hold again and my palm slips out of his grasp. His index finger catches my pinky but it's not a strong hold. I could easily pull my hand away and be up the stairs in a matter of seconds. But something stops me. I don't want to go back to the table but I don't want him to let me go.
"Stay, Dash. Please… stay."
He curls his index finger around my pinky and my heart is crashing around inside my chest. He'll give up on me eventually. I'm too much mess for anyone to take. I know this won't last forever. But maybe this time… maybe just one more time – I can let him hold me. Pour his kindness into all the cracks littered across my skin.
I turn toward him and he immediately pulls me against his chest. I keep my head turned away from the dining table, ashamed of the way tears are still stinging my eyes.
Alex's hands are light on my back but he whispers that it's okay. That I'm okay. That everything's okay and it's not. He's wrong. Nothing's okay and I'm not fucking okay. I'm so pathetic that I'm completely wrecked in front of anyone.
I know everyone's watching us and they're all too stunned to do anything. I wish I wasn't doing this now. I wish I could have kept it inside longer or not broken down in tears like this. I wish I wasn't always such a fucking burden no matter where I go.
I start to apologize, my words broken up by splintered sobs and my erratic breathing, and Alex won't hear it. He keeps shushing me, pressing kisses to the top of my head as he says that there's nothing to apologize for. That it's okay.
He softly tells me to let it out and I don't think there's any chance of keeping it in anymore. The tears are free-flowing from me now and I couldn't stop it even if I tried. I'm nothing but a broken mess in the middle of the dining room and I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to tuck this pain back inside myself and maybe I've spent too much goddamn time hiding it away.
I don't want to give in to this but Alex's arms are warm and all the strength I ever had floods from me the instant he slides one hand to the back of my head. Because he can hold me and I can let go even though it hurts. I'm so fucking tired of hurting.
It takes me a while to come down from the tears and the panic that raced through me. For a long time, Alex just holds me. But eventually, my legs start to tremble. So he leads me over to the table again and sits in the chair next to me.
Tatiana's on my other side and as soon as I'm seated, she slides her arm around my back. The pain sends a jolt of electricity through me but I don't say a word. I just sit at the table, my gaze on the uneaten pie.
Alex and Tatiana take turns giving me words of comfort along with their hugs and I don't know if it's helping but I know it's not hurting. Even though I still am.
Tatiana's rubbing circles on my back and Kendra's clearing the table when I finally speak. When I finally shatter these glass walls of silence I've encased myself in. The tears have dried but my voice is still hoarse when I speak. But I manage to spit the words past my broken teeth and that has to count for something.
"I don't… want to go near him again."
A collective breath is held throughout the room and I feel it in my own chest. This moment of uncertainty that passes over all of us. I know I'm supposed to talk first. I know I'm supposed to let them all know that they can breathe again but I just can't. Because I don't know what to say to put everyone else at ease. I can't even put myself at ease.
"You don't have to," Alex says, his voice strong as he speaks. "You'll stay with me and Kendra and that'll… that'll be it, Dash. You won't ever have to see him again."
I don't want to. I really don't fucking want to. And I know it's selfish to put this kind of shit on Alex but I just don't know what else to do. There's nowhere else for me to go and nothing else I can do. My mom doesn't want anything to do with me and I can't even think about going near dad again. It's over. Everything is fucking over and it hurts so much worse than I thought it would.
Tatiana slides her hand down a little lower on my back and I have to push her away this time. It's too painful for anything to touch me and I hate that it hurts just for someone to fucking comfort me.
"It's his back," I hear Alex whisper softly and I end up with my head in my hands. Another hesitation ripples through the room as everyone waits for me to fall apart again but I don't. And when everyone manages to breathe again, the guilt stabs at me. I wasn't supposed to spend the holidays making it all about me.
When Tatiana touches me again, it's hesitant and light on my shoulder and I hate it. I wish my back was healed enough to just let someone hold me. But it hurts and I'm so damn tired of hurting. I'm so tired of being in pain from everything dad's done to me.
I push away from the table, not sure if I'm trying to stand up or just give myself space to breathe. To exist. But whatever the gesture was for doesn't get farther than sliding my chair backward because Alex stops me.
He puts his hands on my shoulders, holding me in place for a few seconds until he's assumed I won't try to run. "It's okay," he says, his hold on me firm. "Whatever's going on inside your head… you can let us in and let us help you."
I don't want to let any of them in. I don't want to have to talk about this shit. But I don't want to fucking hurt anymore. I'm so tired of always hurting. From the shit mom spews at me or from the marks dad leaves with his fists or from my own unworthiness. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of everything.
"I don't want to talk," I manage to speak without my voice shaking and Alex lets out a quiet breath, his hold on me never wavering. I chew on the words before I spit them out and they come out almost violent. "I just want this all to stop."
I'm tired of waking up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and panic shooting through my veins like my own blood. I don't want to lay awake at night, wondering if this is really over or if I'll go crawling back to my dad. I don't want to wish that he hadn't survived that bullet and I don't want to be grateful that he did. I just want to stop. I want everything to stop.
"I know it's hard." Alex's voice is soft on the words and his touch is even softer as he pulls me backward, his chest against my back now. It hurts a little but it's the kind I can manage. And I've always been better at dealing with the physical pain than I ever have with the shit that goes on inside my head. So when Alex holds me securely against his chest, I let it hurt because at least I can handle that part of this.
Alex dips his head just far enough to press a kiss to the top of mine and he exhales out with a soft groan. "I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could fix this for you."
But he can't. No one can. This is my fucking mess and I have to find some way to claw my way out of it. Even if I lean on the Moreno's for now, there'll always be something that comes and fucks it up. Maybe my dad will get out of the hospital and his voicemail won't be enough for me anymore. Or maybe mom will show up, telling me that she's sorry for everything and I'll crawl back to her cause goddammit, I want a family. And maybe I'll just never learn to accept that my "family" is nothing more than my own flesh and bones. I'm all that's left of that shattered excuse for a family and I don't know if I'll ever know how to take that in.
Even though everyone at the table is kind and understanding, I find myself wanting to escape from it all. And one look at Alex tells him everything he needs to know. He subtly lets everyone know that I need space and the two of us slip upstairs and into his bedroom.
When we're alone, he tells me that we'll make this work. That we'll figure it out. And I don't know if I want to figure it out but I guess this is what I'm doing now. I made a choice downstairs, somewhere between the taste of blackberry pie and my own tears choking me. I'm not going back to dad. I'm never returning to that sad house in that fucking sad neighborhood.
It takes a while but I manage to convince Alex I'm okay enough to shower. I stay in the bathroom for a while, just letting the steam surround me even though I'm not standing under the spray. It's still painful to shower but it's more painful to sit on Alex's bed as he watches me try to stitch myself back together.
Alex isn't in his room when I finally leave the bathroom and I relax into the quiet. I close the door behind me and I cross over his bed, running my hands through my wet hair. It's still early but I don't feel like doing much of anything so I get beneath the blankets with all the lights on.
I can hear someone talking out in the hall but I can't pick out who it is. I stare up at the ceiling until the voice starts to scratch at me. Until the sound picks at me and forces me up from the relaxed position.
I crawl to the end of the bed and get my earphones from my bag. It takes a second of fiddling with the controls but when I collapse again, I've got music pumping into my ears. And for once, it helps me stop thinking.
Song after song plays from my phone and it gets my mind off of all the shit that's happened these past couple of days. It keeps my mind focused on something other than my own rampant thoughts. So I play tracks from playlists Kwan made for me forever ago. Albums I listened to as a freshman. Shit I've heard on the radio a thousand times. I just keep it all playing. Cause if I'm listening to it, I'm not thinking. And I'm so damn tired of thinking.
Half an hour passes with just me and the music before Alex comes into the room. It hasn't been nearly enough time alone but I pull my earphones out and pause the music, turning to look at Alex as he steps inside.
He gives me a smile but it's hesitant. "Hey." His voice is soft on the one word, like he's afraid of scaring me. It's not like I can blame him though – I was downstairs fucking sobbing less than an hour ago.
"Did I wake you?" he asks, crossing over to me but not sitting on the bed.
I shrug, wrapping my earphones around my phone. "No." I wish I had fallen asleep. Maybe I'd still be asleep right now and I wouldn't be having to think any longer. But it's not like I can push Alex away now.
He hesitates for a second longer before he sinks down on the end of the bed, letting out a sigh. "Dash… we have to talk about this," he says softly and I wish he wouldn't. I wish he'd say anything other than that.
When I don't say anything, when I don't even look at him in response, he continues like he wasn't waiting on me at all.
"You can't go on like this. It's one thing to deal with what you're going through alone and it's…" he lets out a quiet breath. "It's an entirely different thing to push people away. You don't have to do this alone and none of us want you to. We want to help you."
I keep my stare on the ceiling. "Did you ever wonder what I want?"
It's harsh and biting and I know I sound like an asshole. But I don't want anyone to help me. Or fuck maybe I do. But I want it to be my decision. I don't want to let Alex help me because I'm out of options. I want Alex in my life because I fucking want him to be.
He's silent for a few seconds and when he speaks again, there's a hesitation in his voice that shouldn't be there. He shouldn't have to hold back for me. Because I'm being a fucking asshole by pushing him away again when all he fucking wants to do is help.
"I know… that you want this to be over. That you want the pain to go away. And… I'm sorry if I've overstepped at some point but I just want to help you," he says softly, and I hate myself.
I hate that I'm being such a dick and that I've made him feel this way. It's not his fault. It's not his fucking fault that I'm pushing him away again. I don't want to. But I'm so fucking scared.
A groan leaves me as I push my fingers through my hair. I sit up, keeping my gaze away from him as I sort through what the fuck is going on inside my own head. It should be easier to just say what I want. To ask him if I can still stay with him even though I thought the worst of him only a few days ago. Part of me knows the offer still stands. But the smaller, insecure part of me can't help but torture myself with the thought that he just can't wait to get rid of me.
"It's not… gonna be easy," I mumble, chewing on my fingernails to keep myself from shaking. "If I… live with you, I can't promise that it'll be easy. I'll probably be really hard to deal with for a while. A-And I'm sorry because I know… I know I'm hard to live with. I know that the things I go through end up… affecting more than just me. But… if the offer still stands, I-I want to move in with you."
Alex groans softly, getting up from the end of the bed. He moves over to sit next to me, sliding his arm around my shoulders. "Dash." He waits until I look up at him before he shakes his head. "You're not hard to live with. You're nowhere close to it. And the problems that you go through, I want to go through it with you. I want to help you in any way that I can."
I can't help but wonder why he wants to help me. Is it just because we've been through similar things? Because it's his way of ending the cycle of shitty parents? Am I some way for him to fix things in himself by fixing me?
"Please don't think that you're not worth someone's time," he says softly, swallowing hard before he nods. "Because you're so worth it. I promise you, Dash, you are so worth my time."
It's hard to swallow past the lump in my throat but I manage to give him a nod even though I have to look away from him. I take in even breaths, trying to keep this crushing sadness at bay long enough for this conversation.
"There's… one more thing," Alex says, chewing on his lip when I manage to drag my stare up to him again. He holds my gaze, suddenly nervous in this moment and I don't understand it. He lets out a quiet breath. "I know how you feel about it but… I want you to seriously consider talking to a therapist."
He cuts me off before I can argue, the words barely off my tongue before he's speaking again. "I know you think it's ridiculous and I know that you think it won't help. But it helped me in a lot of ways I didn't think it would."
"I'm not going to therapy," I say, watching the way his shoulders drop at my words. "I'm sorry, I just… I don't want to think about anything else right now. Maybe… maybe in the future." I don't know if I'll ever want to spill my shit to a shrink but Alex doesn't have to know that.
He lets out a breath slowly. "Alright. For now… we'll focus on what we can and maybe in the future… if you're up for it, we can figure out a therapist for you to try."
I nod, running a hand through my hair again before I collapse back against the pillows. It's been a long day and I'm fucking exhausted. All I wanna do is sleep but I don't know if I want Alex sleeping next to me again. If it happens again tonight… if I wake with a scream in my throat, I don't know if I want Alex there to see it. It'll only be another thing convincing him I need to see a therapist.
"If it's alright with you… I think I'd rather sleep alone tonight," I say, not looking at Alex as the words tumble from my mouth. I don't want to meet his gaze and change my mind. Cause I know that one look at his concern will have me bending when all I want to do is stand strong.
He's quiet next to me and I gingerly sit up again, rearranging the blankets until I'm covered. When my head hits the pillow again, I finally flick my gaze to him. I feel like I should apologize but he doesn't seem to need one.
Alex gets up from the bed, offering up a smile before he brushes the hair back from my forehead. "Okay. Sleep well," he says, pulling back from me. He hesitates for a few seconds before he brushes his knuckles gently along my cheek. "If you need me, I'll be right across the hall."
I nod and watch as he gets his bag. He cuts the light out before he leaves the room and when the door closes behind him, I'm plunged into darkness. At first, it prickles at me and leaves my skin feeling raw. But after a few minutes of steady breathing, I manage to push the darkness from my mind.
Sleep doesn't avoid me tonight and even though I know I might wake up in a cold sweat again, I welcome it in. Because I'm exhausted and sleep is worth whatever hell my mind decides to torture me with.
I wake in the middle of the night, my heart racing, but I don't think I've screamed. I press my fist to my lips, willing myself to just keep it quiet. I try to stand strong but these dreams – they fucking tear at me. And I just want Alex here, wrapping his arms around me and whispering softly.
But he's not coming. It's just me in here and I'm a fucking pathetic excuse for comfort. I don't know why I thought I could handle this on my own. I'm a fucking wreck and I just want someone here with me. I'd put up with all the smothering and the suggestions of therapy. I'd put up with it all if someone would just hold me.
When the morning comes, I pretend like nothing happened. I don't know if anyone can see it on my face but I bullshit my way through most of the day. I think I even have Alex convinced that I'm fine.
Danny texts me after dinner. I'm sitting on one end of the couch in the living room with the Moreno's, watching Tatiana's favorite show. It's some kind of period drama… I don't really know what it's about, it's not really my type of show.
From: Danny
Hey, you think I could come by in the next couple of days?
I'm sorry if it's still a bad time, I just… really kind of miss you
Oh fuck, he misses me. He's gonna be the death of me and I don't think he even knows.
I wait until a commercial break before I ask. "Hey, is it okay if I have a friend over tomorrow?"
Tatiana's sitting two empty cushions down from me but she turns to look my way. Alex is sitting on the floor but when he turns to look too, I feel my skin prickle. I don't understand the feeling blooming in my chest – like I'm starting to suffocate just from asking a simple question – but I fight against it.
"Sure," Tatiana says, giving me a smile with the words.
"Who is it?" Alex asks, turning to face me a little more.
I don't know why the question sends electricity coursing through me. Maybe it's because the answer is Danny. And maybe because he's not really a friend anymore. I don't know what we are exactly but calling him a friend isn't right anymore.
"Danny."
Alex nods slowly, glancing back toward the TV when another commercial starts. "Okay, cool. He's always fun to be around."
I don't know that fun's the right word to call being around him. It's more like… a breath of fresh air. Like he's this sense of calm I could never find on my own. He gets my mind far away from everything else. And he kisses like a fucking angel.
"Yeah, he's fun," I mumble, sinking down further on the couch.
The show comes back on, stealing Tatiana and Alex's attention. So I turn back to my phone, slowly typing out a response. I've missed him too. It feels like it's been weeks since that night he came to my house. When I kissed him in the shower and we made out while we waited for the pizza and he held me in my bed and-
God. I've missed him.
To: Danny
Can you come by tomorrow?
From: Danny
DONE! :D
I sleep alone again but it's broken. I don't know that I'm asleep for longer than an hour every time I drift off. Something always jerks me awake again. I almost wish Alex was sleeping next to me. Maybe this wouldn't happen if he was.
When it's late enough to call morning instead of the dead of night, I get up. I'm halfway through my shower when I realize that in a couple of hours, Danny'll be here. And there's no word strong enough to describe the way my heart bounces around inside my chest cavity.
I'm in this weird state of anticipation all day long, waiting for him to show up. I know he's not coming until after lunch – we discussed that last night – but still. I feel like I'm waiting on him to get here just so I can breathe.
I change my outfit three fucking times after lunch and I know Alex notices. He doesn't say anything about it, choosing instead to smirk at me over the rim of his coffee mug instead when I come back downstairs. And even though I itch to flip him my middle finger, his mom and Kendra are in the dining room with us. So I settle for a pointed glare.
When the doorbell finally rings, I practically jump from my seat. Nerves race through me and I see Tatiana shoot Alex a curious glance but I leave the dining room before either of them can say a thing. I don't want this to be a big fucking deal but I'm making it one. Cause I'm nervous. Cause I'm excited to see him. Cause I'm so pathetically in love with him, I don't know how to keep it quiet any longer.
I try to shake out my nerves but that's like trying to dry up the ocean. So I give up and open the front door instead. Danny's on the other side, holding a wrapped box with a bright red bow on it. He gives me a smile and I let out a low breath, taking him in.
He's wearing dark wash jeans that fit him so fucking well and a red button down shirt. His outer layer is a black fitted jacketthat looks fucking sinful against him and I think I stop breathing for a few seconds.
I step back to let him in, entirely at a loss for words and he smiles, brushing his fingers against mine as he moves inside.
"Hi," he says, shifting the box to hold under his arm, using the other to pull me into a hug. He wraps his arm loosely around my back and exhales softly, his breath hitting my neck. "You smell good."
My heart pounds in my chest as I take in a careful breath, fitting my arm around his back. "Thanks. Y-You… do too," I mumble, feeling the heat radiating from my face when he pulls away to look at me.
He gives me a bright smile before he reaches up to brush hair back from my forehead. "How've you been?" he asks, rocking on the balls of his feet as he smiles up at me.
I've never been a shy person. But Danny makes me shy and I find it hard to look at him as I mumble that I've been good.
"You uh… wanna go say hi to Tatiana and Alex?" I ask.
Danny smiles brightly, nodding. "Sure. Just let me put this down," he says, shifting the box under his arm. He turns to the sofa and puts it down on the cushion closest to him. His gaze lingers on the present for a few seconds before he looks up at me with another smile. "That's for you, by the way."
I know my face flushes when I meet his gaze and I make a few spluttered noises before I attempt an actual response. "You didn't have to do that," I say, barely managing to hold his gaze before I have to look away again. "I… haven't had the chance to get any presents for anyone yet."
He shakes his head, frowning just a little, when I look up at him. "Dash, I don't expect anything from you. I did this because I wanted to and… i-it's really more of a gift for me, honestly," he says, flushing just a little before he takes in a deep breath. "Anyway. Point is, I don't expect anything from you."
I can't tell if he's lying or not. I don't even know what I'm supposed to get him. I always got Paulina jewelry or lingerie. I know how to shop for a girlfriend. I have no fucking clue how to shop for a boyfriend.
"Actually, there is one thing I want from you," Danny says quietly, his tone almost shy when I look at him again. He hesitates a second before he steps closer to me. He gently places one of his palms against my cheek and uses his other hand against the back of my neck, tugging me down closer to him.
When his eyes fall closed, mine do too. And his lips meet mine with the kind of electricity that my soul has no business owning. It gets my heart racing and his every touch drives me wild. I can barely breathe when his lips are on mine but it feels good and I fucking love feeling good.
Danny pulls away from me for a breath and I chase after him, capturing his lips again before he can get too far away. I slide my arms around his back and fit him against my chest, the little moan that escapes him sending a jolt through me. He fucking likes kissing me.
When we part again, I let him go this time and our breaths mingle with each other's for an exhale or two. He bites down on his bottom lip as he flicks his stare up to mine again, his cheeks stained a pink so pretty, I want to kiss him until he's flushed forever.
"A-Anyway… uhh… Tatiana and Alex?" he asks softly, scratching the back of his head in the silence that we've fallen into. It's not an uncomfortable silence but I'm incredibly aware of my lips and the way they haven't stopped tingling since we broke apart.
I nod and turn for the dining room again, letting Danny follow after me. I want to hold his hand as we enter in, so everyone will know what he means to me, but the fear in me is bigger than the bravery. I don't have the strength to walk in the room, holding his hand like I'm not fucking terrified of how they'll react.
Anastasia's come down the stairs and she's standing by Alex's chair when I step inside the dining room. She takes one look at Danny trailing behind before she's smirking at me. I glare at her but it goes unnoticed when Tatiana looks our way.
"Danny!" she exclaims, leaving her chair to go over to him. She pulls him into a hug, calling him pet names in Spanish as she rubs his back. He relaxes into her touch and I find myself letting out a breath I didn't realize I was holding in.
Alex glances my way, an almost question in his expression but I look away from him before I can figure it out. I don't want to answer anyone's questions yet. I just want to leave with Danny and spend the rest of his time here locked away from everyone. So I can steal kisses whenever I want to and unashamedly take in how fucking beautiful he looks.
"Good thing you showed up. Dash has been going a little stir crazy lately," Anastasia says, smirking at me again when I look her way. She shifts her gaze over to Danny when he pulls away from Tatiana. "Then again, I've been surrounded by my family for days now so I've been going crazy too."
Danny laughs softly, practically radiating light as he steps away from Tatiana. "I get that. Thankfully this year, it was just my immediately family. Parents and sister, you know?" he says, smiling again before his gaze unconsciously flicks toward me.
"You two want to sit down? I can cut you a slice of pie," Tatiana offers, smiling at Danny when she looks his way.
I know that keeping him to myself right now is probably a little selfish. But it feels like it's been years since I first pressed my lips to his and I don't want to share him in this moment. I want to escape with him far away from anyone else and kiss him until we both forget our own names.
"Actually… w-we're probably just gonna hang out upstairs for a while," I respond, feeling my face heat up when Tatiana looks my way. I take in a careful breath before I shift my gaze to Danny. "If… that's okay with you."
Danny nods and for some reason, it sets my heart racing.
"Will you stay for dinner at least?" Tatiana asks and Danny turns back to her. He seems to debate for a split second before he nods again, earning another hug from Tatiana.
I step back from the two of them, palming the back of my neck as I try to even out my breathing. Tatiana pulls back from Danny, patting him firmly on the cheeks with a smile before she lets go of him. He returns the smile but he's quick to follow after me once I start out of the room.
"One second," Danny says at the foot of the stairs. He disappears from my sight and I crane my neck to watch him go. When he returns, he's carrying the present again, a slight flush on his face. "O-Okay. Lead the way."
I take the stairs, Danny following after me, and my heart's pounding like crazy as I lead us to Alex's bedroom, pushing the door open. I hold the door for him and as soon as we're both inside, I close it behind us. The silence settles quickly between the two of us and when I look up at him, I don't know why I thought it'd be good to be alone with him.
I'm suddenly all nervous hands, stuttered breaths, and flushed face now that we're alone. He doesn't seem to notice – or if he does, he's too kind to point it out.
Danny crosses the room to set the present on the bed and when he turns to look back at me, there's a hint of sympathy on his face. Shit. I guess he has noticed.
He hesitates by the bed for a second before he slowly walks over to me again, taking my hand in his when he's close enough. He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles, making my heart lodge somewhere in my throat.
"Sorry that you're nervous," he says softly, his breath hitting my knuckles as he looks up at me. When he blinks, I swear I can see a thousand stars in his eyes but I know it's just the light. It's the illumination of the overhead light in Alex's bedroom playing tricks on me. But god I love the stars dancing along his irises.
I step closer to him, my heart pounding as I slowly drag in a breath. "N-No… I'm… sorry," I breathe, trying to keep from showing how nervous he really makes me. I don't know if it's because I like him so much or if I'm nervous because I've never kissed guys before. But just the thought of kissing him has my heart racing like I've run a marathon.
Danny shakes his head firmly, dropping our hands down from his mouth. "There's nothing to apologize for," he says, giving me a smile before he tugs on my hand, stepping backward. "Come on. Sit down with me."
I follow after him over to the bed, shrewdly aware of my feet and how one wrong step would cause me to stumble. I don't like being this nervous around him. It was easier before I kissed him. When I was left to only imagine what he tasted like, it wasn't as hard to act normal around him. But knowing that right now his mouth tastes like peppermints and strong coffee makes it hard to focus on anything else.
Danny sinks down on the foot of the bed and tugs on my hand, telling me to sit with him. Our knees brush each other as we sit and he kicks his shoes off. He shifts a little on the bed, letting go of my hand as he gets settled. He ends up cross-legged next to me and I'm sitting back against the pillows on Alex's bed, my hands and legs jittering just a little.
"Here," Danny says, pushing the box over to me. He grins but it's tinged with a blush that makes my mind go places it has no right to in this moment.
I know my own face is flushed but I drop my gaze to the box. He's wrapped it so well, I almost feel bad for destroying it. But he's looking at me insistently and his grin drags a laugh from me so I tear into the wrapping.
He practically bounces on the bed, grinning as I open the box and push back tissue paper he's tucked around the present. Nestled in white paper is a navy blue sweater that's soft to the touch and looks really warm.
"I've… always thought you looked good in blue," Danny says, blushing furiously when I look up at him. He draws in a breath that shakes just a little but he holds my gaze and that's more than I'd be able to achieve if it were me confessing that. "That's what I meant when I said the gift was more for me."
He ducks his head, the blush so fucking pretty on his face, I can hardly stand it.
"You noticed the way I look in blue?" is what my mind decides to spit at him and I feel my own face heat up at the question.
Danny rolls his eyes but meets my gaze with a nod. "You made it hard to ignore," he says, that pink flush still dotting his cheeks. "I was out with my family when I saw that sweater and it made me think of you and then I started thinking about how you would look wearing it and…" he trails off, shaking his head as a smile fights to twist his lips upward.
"Thank you," I mumble, dropping my gaze down to the sweater again. It really is a nice sweater – the kind I'd wear when it's so cold outside, my fingers have turned numb and I can see my breath hanging in the air. I know I'll wear this a lot this winter and it'll remind me of Danny the way it reminded him of me.
He's still blushing when I look up at him and though he bites down on his bottom lip, something spurs him on into speaking. "Do you remember… when I took you to the car show for your birthday?" he asks softly, drawing in a breath when I nod. "I couldn't keep my eyes off you the whole day," he says, a little breathlessly and I find it hard to drag in a breath of my own.
Danny's thought about me. About what I wear and how it makes me look. And that makes my heart race more than anything else. Knowing that he likes the way certain things look on me makes me want to wear them all the fucking time just to pay attention to his reaction to them now.
"A-And that sweater you wore to my place on Thanksgiving. That was… pretty damn sexy too," he adds, dropping his gaze from mine as his face darkens another shade.
God, he looks good too. His button-down shirt looks good against his pale skin and I want him to know that he's beautiful to me too. His eyes are stunning and he pulls off everything he wears fucking effortlessly.
"You're beautiful to me too," I manage to say without stuttering and when he looks up at me, I lose my breath a little. Cause the darker blush has faded for the most part, leaving behind the pink that's so pretty, I want to memorize the way it looks on him.
I don't know if he leans forward first or if I reach for him but we end up with our lips on each other's again. He moves closer to me on the bed, kneeling in front of me as he breaks apart for air. We're only separated for a few seconds but I miss him in those moments. And when he crashes his lips back onto mine, I slide my tongue into his mouth, falling in love with the little noises that escape him.
He drags his nails across my scalp and breaks away from me, turning his head to press a kiss to my neck. I lean my head back, my eyes falling closed as he kisses his way down my neck and across my collarbones. The noises he's dragging from me are fucking sinful in the open air and I ache to taste him again.
I duck down to capture his lips with mine and our teeth click together but the momentary pain isn't enough to stop either one of us. He bites my bottom lip with his teeth, dragging a groan from me, before he's sliding his tongue into my mouth.
He explores every inch of my mouth in a way that I've never felt before. I feel like every inch of it belongs to him now and I fucking love the way that feels. I want him to be the only one that makes me breathless and memorizes the way that I taste.
When he pulls away this time, we're both panting and his chest is flush against my own. I don't remember sliding my arms around his back but I did at some point. I've got handfuls of his shirt twisted between my fingers like I couldn't get him close enough to me and I slowly release it, running my hands along his back to smooth out the fabric.
Danny pants softly, leaning forward to press a small, chaste kiss to my cheek. His own cheek is warm as it brushes by mine as he tugs me into his arms. He holds me close, his arms sliding around my neck, like he can't get me close enough.
I breathe deeply, taking in the way he smells and the fact that I can taste peppermints on my own tongue now. His quiet, breathy inhale has my every nerve ending standing on end and I can hardly breathe just thinking about him. You're gonna be the death of me.
We lie next to each other for a while after that, just talking. We've got our fingers intertwined with each other's and occasionally we steal a kiss or two but nothing like what we shared earlier. His hand is warm in my own and I drift off for a while, not even sure what time it is when I wake up again.
Danny's still beside me when I open my eyes and he smiles so brightly, I don't care about anything other than the two of us in this moment – forever suspended in time. His eyes are so blue and his body next to mine is so warm. I can stare at him unashamed now because he knows the truth. And he likes me too.
"How've you been?" he asks softly, the smile dropping from his face with the question. "Really, Dash."
I swallow hard, immediately dropping my gaze from his because I don't know how to answer him. I don't want to let my darkness taint the light I have with Danny. It took me so fucking long to open up to Paulina about this shit when we were together… I want to give him the truth. But I don't want to drive him away with all the shit that comes along with me.
"Fine. Tatiana's keeping me well-fed," I joke, trying for a smirk when I look up at him. But I lose the nerve with the look on his face. I blow out a breath and look away from him, chewing on the inside of my cheek. "Some days are easier than others. I'll get through it."
Danny makes a soft noise in the back of his throat and scoots closer to me on the mattress. He rests his head on my shoulder, his hand against my chest. "You don't have to lie to me," he says so quietly, I almost miss it.
The breath I draw in is pinched and not nearly enough to keep me going in this moment. And the words I choose to say aren't enough either but they're all my weary soul can come up with.
"I'm fine. I've… dealt with worse."
He groans, moving his head from my shoulder. He props his elbow on the mattress and drops his cheek into his palm. He frowns when I meet his gaze and there's an intensity in his eyes there I've never seen before.
"You were talking in your sleep just now," he says, his voice soft on the words but he might as well have screamed them.
I pull my hand from his and the bed feels too small for the both of us now. I don't want to push him away but I don't know another way to do this. I never let anyone see every part of myself and even though I want to let Danny in, there's no fucking way I have that kind of strength.
"I'm fine." I push my hand through my hair before I scoot away from him. I crawl to the end of the bed instead and lean against the footboard, the two of us across from each other now. I shrug when he gives me a look. "Seriously. It's not like I haven't lived through this before."
Danny groans softly, his gaze shifting away from me. "Is this how it's always going to be?" he asks quietly, almost like the question wasn't intended for me.
"What does that mean?" I ask anyway, hyper-aware of the bite in my tone. I hate doing this to him. I can't do this to him. I want to let him in but all I ever know how to do is push people away and I… I want to save him from this shit. I don't want to let him get wrapped up in the things that consume me.
Danny shifts his gaze back to mine and sits up on the bed. He scoots back until he's leaning against the headboard and we stare at each other in silence for a few seconds. He's the one to break eye-contact and he does it with another groan, the sound clawing at me more than it has the right to.
"I'm sorry. I know I'm not easy to get along with," I mumble, not looking at him even when he turns to me again. "I get it if… this isn't what you thought it'd be."
Danny scoffs, nudging my thigh with his foot. "Shut up, you idiot. I don't want this to be what I thought it'd be," he says, raising an eyebrow almost in a challenge when I look up at him again. "It's just… I know you, Dash. And you're holding back and I guess I just don't get it."
"I don't want my shit to be a part of this. Whatever… we've got between us, I just want to protect it," I say, shrugging when he shakes his head. "I've never been good at this so… I'm sorry. I don't know what you want me to say."
He moves forward on the bed, uncrossing his arms and planting his hands on either side of himself. "I don't want you to say anything. I want you to say what you think. I want you to be honest with me. Like you've been doing. But what? Now that we've kissed, suddenly everything has to change?" He lets out a quiet breath and moves closer to me again, on his hands and knees next to me now. "I want you to be the same person that poured your heart out to me at the outlook before the sun was even up."
I don't know if I'm that person anymore. I thought I could count on mom but she betrayed that without a second thought. And things between dad and I were good for a while but it all came crashing down again. And I can't fucking stop thinking about what Paulina said to me at the beginning of the semester. I'm not the kind of guy people stay with.
"I don't know if I can be what you want," I all but whisper, trying to blink the tears back but Danny sees them anyway. His expression softens and he crawls onto my lap, straddling me like he did the night I kissed him.
He loosely drapes one arm around my neck and presses the other to my chest. "I know you're trying. And I know that everything is so hard right now. I don't want to put any kind of pressure on you. I just want you to know that I'm here. And that you don't have to push me away because you're afraid of how it'll affect this thing we have now."
I drop my gaze from his and he tugs me into his arms. He runs his hands down my back and even though it hurts, I don't stop him. Maybe because it helps and maybe because I want him so badly, I'll take the pain if it means having him closer.
Danny guides my head forward until my chin is resting on his shoulder and the tears in my eyes are hard to blink past. I'm starting to tremble and Danny presses a kiss just below my ear as he whispers that he's here. That he's not going anywhere. And more than anyone else, I want to believe him.
I end up telling him a little of how it went down that night with dad. I can't get more than a few sentences out about the shit he did before it chokes me.
Danny holds onto me fiercely as I talk – as if his touch can hold me together, and maybe it can. Because every time I stumble in my wording or my breath catches, his presence is what brings me back. Keeps me in this moment.
Eventually talk slips away from the darker side of things and Danny tells me about his holidays. How he and his sister marathon baked dozens of cookies for friends in the area. When I ask about Sam, he sort of mumbles an answer but he's quick to shift the conversation in another direction. I don't know what he's holding back but I make a mental note to figure it out.
"Anyway, so. Point being, holidays were insane, the new year is probably going to be insane too, and I just… is it too early to be wishing for spring break already?" he asks, his eyes crinkled up like half-moons from the smile he's wearing.
He's lying on the bed again and I've collapsed beside him, our bodies close to one another even though we're not touching. He's flushed like he was after our lips were on each other's but this time, it's from the conversation we've been sharing.
"I could go for spring break, too," I mumble, dropping my chin on his shoulder. He turns to look at me, raising an eyebrow and I let out a soft breath. "I'm… supposed to leave early January to visit one of the schools interested in me. Alex is going with me."
I don't know what made me say it. But as soon as it leaves my mouth, Danny grins so widely, I can't regret it. He shifts until he can look at me better and delicately runs his fingers through my hair, driving me absolutely wild with his touch.
"Dash, that's so great," he praises, making my own face flush. "I mean it, that's incredible. I'm so proud of you."
With my cheeks still flushed and some sort of bravery dancing along my spine, I give him a smirk. "You proud enough to give me a kiss?" I ask, loving the way the question flows so easily from me now. We've kissed. And he can kiss me again and again and again.
Danny rolls his eyes but he tugs me down to meet his lips, cupping my face with his hands. His tongue slides into my mouth and I think a groan tumbles from me at the action. I've never kissed like this before. With Paulina, it was always about the sex. Kisses were just an addition to the important part. But the way that Danny kisses me makes it feel like they're the important part.
He pulls away, his lips twisting up at the expression on my face and I can only imagine what I look like. Completely blissed out just from a fucking kiss.
Before I get the chance to say anything, someone knocks on the door and I turn at the sound. As the knob twists and the door's pushed open, my heart slams inside of my ribcage and I all but rip myself away from Danny.
He gives me a look but he doesn't say a word as Anastasia steps into the room. She glances between the two of us but fixes her gaze on me. And I can't help but feel like I'm sweating bullets and shaking like crazy. But I'm as still as a rock and dry as fucking bone.
"Mom sent me up to get you two. Dinner's on the table and she's insisting on keeping Danny around for pie afterward. Just so you're fully prepared for what you're walking into here," Anastasia says, her mouth twisting into a smirk before she leaves the room again.
When the door clicks shut softly behind her, the two of us are plunged into a silence that I don't know how to break.
Danny won't look at me. He keeps his gaze on the carpet, his jaw set and I get the feeling that I screwed up. Not in a way that can be fixed with an apology. This deserves something better but all I have to spit at him is one broken apology after the other.
"Are you embarrassed by me?" he asks so softly, I almost miss it. And when I understand what he's saying, I have no idea what to tell him. For me, to know Danny is to love him. To fall so completely in love with him, I forget everything else in the moment I see him. I don't know how I could ever be embarrassed by him.
He finally turns to look at me when I don't respond and he draws his eyebrows down. "Are you?" he asks, his voice barely above a whisper this time and I almost choke over the look on his face. How could I ever be embarrassed by you?
"No," I choke out, shaking my head as the breath sticks in my throat. "No – are you kidding me? H-How could I be?"
Danny sinks his teeth into his bottom lip and looks away from me again. He lets out a breath that practically hangs between us and I hate it. I hate that I've made him think that of me and I hate that he feels that hesitation between us. I'm not embarrassed of him.I'm embarrassed of me.
"I'm terrified," I admit, not looking up to meet his gaze. I shake my head and drag in a breath that shakes. "Anastasia told me that Tatiana… i-it took her a while to come around to Ana's sexuality and I just…"
A breath leaves me and I force myself to look up at him, swallowing past the lump in my throat. "I love this family, Danny. I love them so fucking much and I'm so terrified of losing them. I don't want this to be a big deal to them but I'm scared it will be."
Danny exhales quietly, hesitating for a split second before he nods. He doesn't say anything as he rises from the bed and that scares me even more. He nudges the sweater box on the floor out of his way with his foot and lets out a heavy breath before he turns to me again.
"Then for tonight, you can play the straight guy if you want to. Just don't forget that it's not who you are," he says, studying my face before he sighs, stepping closer to me. "If they truly care about you, then this won't matter. You'll still be you to them and that should be enough."
I'm too scared to see if it is or isn't. I don't want to lose them when I've barely had a chance to be a part of this family. If I move in with Alex, I'll be around his family a lot more and I don't want anything to fuck with that. I want to keep things normal for as long as I can. But fuck, Danny's right. Being myself should be enough.
"The right people will accept you. Just as you are, Dash. And if they're too small-minded to appreciate you for who you are, then fuck them. Fuck them all," Danny says, his cheeks flushed when I look up at him and I don't think he understands. It's different for him. He's got his parents and his sister and friends that understand him. My family is broken and pathetic and half of my friends still think I'm interested in Paulina. I don't know how to set them straight that it didn't hit me until this year that I'm not fucking straight.
I blow out a breath, getting up from the bed. "You don't get it," I mumble, pushing my hand through my hair. "Let's just forget it and go downstairs. They're probably waiting on us."
Danny scoffs when I step past him and he turns to face me when I glance over my shoulder at him. He folds his arms over his chest. "Seriously? I don't get it? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. "Just because you're the quarterback, that somehow makes it worse for you if people don't accept you?"
"Do you have any clue what my father would do to me if he knew about this?" I snap back, instantly regretting the words as soon as they leave my mouth. That's not what I wanted to say. I just fucking hate that he's right. It's the same. It's all the fucking same.
He shakes his head, running his tongue along his teeth, making me mad and making me sane in the same moment. "This isn't about your father. This is about you and what you want," he says, searching my face for a few seconds before he continues. "And what kind of behavior you'll accept from other people and what you'll refuse to put up with. If you want them to like you for you, tell them the truth. And if they don't, then fuck them because you're better than that. You're worth more than that."
I think it is different for him. Cause he's never had to avoid his father's fist just for being who he is. When my dad found out about Kwan, there was a chance that I wouldn't get to be around him anymore. That I'd have to be friends with him in secret. Because I know the kind of person dad is and Danny… god, he's never had to fucking deal with that before.
I don't feel like arguing with him and I don't want to make a big deal out of this so I give in. I won't look at him as I nod cause I know he'd see the truth in my eyes. He'd know that I'm just agreeing so he'll stop. So we'll both stop. So we can pretend like there's nothing between us and for a few fleeting moments, I can taste happiness again.
I follow him into the bathroom to wash my hands, too. He takes his time cleaning his and as he dries them, he looks up at me in the mirror. And I nearly fucking choke.
I close what little distance is between us, sliding my arms around his waist. He leans into my touch and I drop my chin onto his shoulder.
He lets out a delicate sigh, dropping the towel onto the counter again. His back is warm against my chest and I pull him as close to me as I can. I don't want to go down there and pretend I'm straight. I want to hold Danny's hand and not have it matter.
"Look at us," he says softly, reaching up to push one of his hands through my hair. "We make sense."
We do. My arms around him, my chin on his shoulder, his hands on me – god, we fit. We make perfect fucking sense and I don't get it. If this is right, why the fuck do I feel so wrong?
I wish this was easier. I wish one of the Moreno's could catch us like this. So I couldn't back out of it or try to explain it away. I want them all to know the truth but maybe I don't want to be the one to tell them.
But life's not that simple. Things don't work out just because you want them to. You have to fight for it. And even then, life still might shit all over your plans. It's a gamble. I come out, they might hate me. I pretend I'm straight, I hate myself. Either way, I end up losing.
When we go downstairs, Danny plays the perfect part of friend and I hate it. I hate that he does it so well and I hate that he has everyone at the table convinced. I want them all to know him as my boyfriend – or whatever Danny wants to be called. I want to hold his hand and not have anyone question why or look at me differently. I don't want to be straight and I want that to be okay.
Being around everyone is exhausting but I try to keep myself in the moment, forcing my mind far away from the darker thoughts. I laugh at jokes when they're made but I think Danny can tell there's something off with me. I catch a glimpse of his concern when his knee brushes against mine beneath the table. And when he works to direct a few conversations away from me so I don't have to think. I don't know how he can sense this shit and do what he does but he makes it look effortless and I'm so fucking jealous.
The night seems to drag on forever but after painful conversations and a slice of pie each, we leave the dining room together. I can hear Tatiana cleaning up in the kitchen and I almost want to offer to help her. But I wait with Danny instead while he pulls his coat and shoes on.
He checks the time on his phone and hesitates a split second before he looks up at me again. "Walk me to my car?" he asks and I wordlessly nod, following him out of the house.
The cold hits me full-force, making me shiver despite the hoodie I'm wearing. Snow is still blanketing the ground and I briefly wonder if Amity Park has ever had a Christmas without snow. But Danny turns to me before I can give it a lot of thought.
"Tonight was fun," he says, smiling brightly as he steps closer to me. "Thanks for inviting me."
He holds out his arms for a hug but it's not enough. I want so much more than that.
I push him against his car as I drive forward, my lips meeting his in a kiss that's equal parts heat and need. I want his lips against mine and I want his tongue in my mouth and I don't want this feeling to be a big deal. What does it matter if I want his kiss? Would it really be that different if one of us were a girl?
Danny pulls away from me, letting out a low breath. His eyes are hazy as he looks up at me again and he lifts one eyebrow in silence. For a few seconds, we only stare at each other and I wonder what he can see in my eyes. If he can see everything I'm holding back or how hard I'm trying not to choke. This is hard for me. But he's worth it. He's so fucking worth it.
"You know anyone can see us, right?" he asks.
It's dark outside. And we're just two shadows by his car right now but it doesn't fucking matter. It could be broad daylight in this moment and I'd still kiss him just the same. I'd still drive him back against his car and pin him there until his mouth is the only thing I know. I want him. And I don't fucking care who sees.
"I don't care," I manage but I'm shaking again. My hands are trembling and when I push them through my hair, Danny sees. He studies me as I try to pull myself the fuck together and I know it's not enough. He needs to know what's running through my head. He needs to know why I'm so fucking terrified of this. It's not just the Moreno's – it's everyone. I want them to know who I am but I'm so damn scared of it too.
The breath I let out hangs in the air, like an unanswered thought or an unspoken prayer. I don't know if there's anyone out there that would listen to someone like me but I wish for strength in this moment. I beg whatever's out there to give me strength enough to get through this conversation without breaking.
"I'm sorry… if I upset you inside," I manage, my teeth chattering from the cold or the fear – I don't know which. I drag in a breath that sounds strangled and the hit of oxygen is dizzying in the cold. "Weren't you ever scared of telling your family the truth?"
Danny exhales out softly, stepping closer to me in the silence. "Of course I was. But it was just my family, Dash," he says, hesitating a second before a nervous laugh tumbles from him. "It wasn't some scary beast I had to take down with my own two hands. It was just my family."
I nod, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip as I blink past the fear trying to choke me into silence again. It's different for him. It's so fucking different for him.
"Please… don't take this wrong… b-but I really think it was different for you," I breathe, my head spinning in the silence Danny leaves us in. The breath I drag in is strangled but I manage to meet his gaze and that has to count for something.
He's watching me – studying me – like he's trying to figure me out. I don't know what he's seeing but I hope it's enough to convince him to stick around. I fucking hope he doesn't leave me because I'm too scared to be who I want.
"You're not the sheriff's son," I breathe, hoping my every word doesn't push him away. "You're not the quarterback. Everyone's got their eyes on me and… if I fall – if I fuck up – everyone's gonna see. And people expect things of me. They assume things of me. If I fall short, I… everyone's gonna see," I all but whisper the last part, my heart pounding far too hard for this moment.
Danny lets out a quiet breath, his gaze dropping from my face and I can't breathe in the silence that falls between us. He takes my hand in his and drags it up to his chest, pressing my palm flat over where his heart is. When he looks up to meet my gaze again, there's an intensity in his stare that I don't know how to take in and not crumble under at the same time.
"The whole town wasn't in there tonight," he breathes, his hand warm over mine. "You were there with a family that cares so much about you. And god, I get why you're scared. But they love you, Dash."
I know they do. I know that I have nothing to fear with Alex or Anastasia. But Tatiana is the closest thing I have to a mother now and I don't want to let go of the pathetic fantasies I have. The ones filled with Christmases at the Moreno's for the rest of my life and Tatiana's advice as I make life decisions. Her enthusiasm and unwavering support as I chase after all these dreams that my coach and college scouts have filled my head up with. I want all of it – every part. But fear is as much a part of these dreams as all the hope in the world.
"Why did you ask me that?" I breathe, not even sure I meant to bring it up. But the question's been sitting at the back of my throat since Anastasia walked in on the two of us. "Why'd you ask if I was embarrassed of you?"
Danny's expression changes and he drops his gaze from mine, letting out a breath quietly. He shakes his head like it doesn't matter. It does. It matters to me. I could never be embarrassed of him and I want him to know that. I want him to always know in his heart that he's never a source of shame for me.
"Blake always was," he says quietly, almost hesitantly – like he doesn't want to bring it up. Hearing his name stings just a little but I ignore the fleeting pain. Danny's hurting cause this feels the same to him. My hesitancy and fear looks like Blake's shame to him. And I don't want to ever be the source of that hurt.
I pull him closer to me, my lips meeting his for the briefest of kiss before I tug him against my chest. "I'm not ashamed of you," I breathe, turning my head just enough to press a kiss to the top of his ear. "Danny, I… have nothing to be ashamed of when I'm with you. I want to tell them all about you and I swear to you, I will."
Danny exhales out quietly, holding onto me as a shiver races through him. I don't know if it's entirely from the cold but I hold him tighter either way. Cause I can't just stand by and watch him tremble anymore.
"It's gonna be okay. I promise you, I'm not… gonna try to keep us a secret forever," I mumble, pressing another kiss to his hair just before he pulls away from me.
His breath hangs in the air as he lets it out and he only hesitates a second before he drags me into another kiss. He throws more passion into this kiss than before and the taste of his tongue is dizzying. His fingernails scrape down my scalp and I groan into the kiss, dragging him closer to me – until there's no space left between us and his body is flush against mine.
"I don't… want to tell anyone yet either," he says softly when we part, hesitating before he looks up at me again. He pants just a little as he tries to steady himself again and I hold onto him to keep from swaying. "I know how my mom will react to this and I don't… know if I'm ready to tell my friends yet. S-So for now, I'm okay if we keep it a secret."
He shivers as I trace his bottom lip with my index finger. "Not forever though," I promise and he's quick to nod, our breaths intertwining again as I lean forward to place a final kiss on his lips. It's not the last time I'll see him but it's the last kiss I'll get for the night. And I already miss his touch before we've even parted.
I wave to him as he pulls out of the driveway and then I trudge my way back up through the snow to the Moreno's front door. I stand on the porch, watching the taillights of his car disappearing down the street until he's gone completely and it's only me standing outside.
The part of this that stings the most is that he's right. It's not like I have to take on the whole town all at once. I can start with the Moreno's and let that be enough. I can tell them the truth and deal with it if they don't like this part of me. But it is a part of me and I can't pretend that it's not. And I don't want to ever pretend like Danny's only my friend any longer.
When I step back inside the house, the warmth invites me in and I can hear quiet laughter and conversation coming from the kitchen. The feeling of coming home to other people fills me with a warmth that drives out the winter my soul has seen and it pushes me further into the house.
Tony is the first one to notice me when I step into the kitchen. "Dash," he greets, smiling brightly when I look his way. "Is Danny on his way home?"
I nod, swallowing back the fear in my throat long enough to speak. "Yeah, he… left." My gaze shifts over to Tatiana's and I fight back against the panic rising in my throat. "He said to tell you that he had a good time tonight. A-And to thank you for dinner."
Tatiana smiles brightly. "Good. It was nice to see him," she says, turning her back to me as she puts a stack of plates into a cabinet. "Do you think he'll come over again soon?"
If it were up to me, Danny would be waking up here. I'd never let him out of my arms and I'd spend every waking second with my lips on his and I wouldn't care who saw us. I just want him around. Every day, I want him around.
I know my face is flushed and if Tatiana were to turn around and see me now, she might question why. But she keeps her gaze away from mine and I somehow manage to stumble my way through an answer that sounds straighter than I am.
I don't know how long I can do this. I'm terrified of telling the truth but talking to Danny tonight ignited something in me that my fear can't put out this time. I'm scared of telling the truth – but I'm even more scared of faking another lie. Danny's right. I should be who I am around the people that matter the most to me. And the truth might not come out tonight but I fucking swear, it will.
Alex follows me out of the kitchen and up the stairs when I leave. He rambles on about how Anastasia will probably kill him for leaving her on dish duty with their mom and I think he's only talking about it to make me laugh. Cause for a few seconds, while he talks, I forget about everything else. Until I step into his bedroom and see the sweater Danny gave me and everything comes crashing back on my shoulders.
I hesitate in the doorway for a few seconds before I cross the room over to the sweater. Alex pushes the door closed behind him and waits by the door. I find it hard to look up at him. Everything in me is on fire when I finally meet his gaze and there's such a knowing look on his face that I choke.
Alex slowly crosses the room over to where I've collapsed onto the bed, my head in my hands and my heart stuck in the middle of my throat. Please don't let it change anything. Please don't let it change anything. Please don't care that I've fallen for a boy so beautiful, I can hardly breathe around him.
"If there's something on your mind… you can talk to me," Alex says softly, his arm brushing by mine as he settles down on the mattress next to me.
I can trust Alex. I know I can trust Alex. But this doesn't feel the way it did when I was with Paulina. I could at least talk about her. Maybe it's because he's a boy or maybe it's because I love him more than I ever loved her. I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know.
"I'm… sort of seeing Danny," I mumble, swallowing hard before I force the rest of the confession out of me. "Like… as a boyfriend."
Alex's hand comes to rest softly in the middle of my back and he lets out a quiet breath. I try not to let it fuck with me. I try really fucking hard not to let it fuck with me. But I'm alive with the electricity of belonging to someone else again and I've always loved that feeling. I don't want anybody's cold words to short circuit the way that I feel.
"Dash… if he makes you happy, that's all I care about," Alex says softly, moving his hand up a little higher on my back as he shakes me just a little. "If he likes you – if he's kind toyou… then that's good enough for me."
I knew it would be easy with Alex. Knowing it and feeling it are two different things and I'm a little ashamed of the relief that floods through my veins. I trust Alex. I knew he wouldn't care about stuff like this. It's just… the rest of his family that scares me.
"Is… there something else bothering you?" Alex's voice is quiet on the question and I find it hard to drag a breath in.
I want to tell him that I'm terrified of how his mom will react. That I'm scared to death that she'll hate this part of myself and I'll have to keep it far away from her. And I'm terrified that I'll care too much and let it ruin what I have with Danny before it ever has the chance to become something. And I'm so damn scared of being too scared to fucking do something about it.
But I shake my head. For now, telling Alex is enough. It has to be.
I take my time in the shower and the door to the bedroom is open when I get out. Alex is standing in front of the bed, hanging up a pile of clothes that must have just come from the dryer. His phone is playing music softly that I recognize from the radio as he easily hums along to it.
"Hey," I call softly as I step into the room, leaving the door open behind me.
Alex looks up from the pile of laundry and even though I should offer to help, I don't. I cross the room over to the bed and sink down on one end. The painkillers I took this afternoon have worn off but it's still too early to take anymore.
I nod toward the pile as I settle on the mattress. "Need any help?"
He shakes his head, hanging one of my t-shirts onto a hanger. "No, I've got it." He adjusts the collar of my shirt until it's in the center of the hanger before he drapes it over the end of the bed on top of several shirts just like it.
"Mom figured you could use some clean clothes," he says with a smile, glancing up at me as he grabs another hanger from the bed. "I told her I'm going to get some more stuff from my place in the next couple of days but she wouldn't hear it."
Tatiana worrying about me makes me smile, despite the way it picks at the part of me that's still electrified with thoughts of her rejection. I don't want to lose her but I don't think I want to lose myself either. It's taken me a long time to get to this place – to admit that I don't just like girls anymore.
"Something bothering you?" Alex asks softly, his gaze away from me when I look up at him. I get the feeling that he's offering me some semblance of privacy but I don't want it. I don't want any part of hiding from this anymore. Danny was right. The right people will accept me the way that I am. And I don't know about Tatiana and the rest of his family, but Alex has already accepted me. Time and time again, Alex has always accepted me.
I let out a low breath, scratching the back of my neck as I shift my gaze away from him. I don't want this to be a big deal. I don't want to be the one that makes it a big deal but it feels bigger than me. I've always dealt with my shit by myself but I don't want to this time. I want Alex here with me as I figure this all out.
"Would you mind… sleeping in here tonight?" I ask softly, barely glancing up at him before I'm studying the carpet again. I give a shrug to a question he hasn't asked but I can feel it in the air between us. "I just don't want to be alone."
Alex lays another shirt over the end of the bed before he looks at me. "If you want me in here tonight, then I'll be here," he promises, nodding when I manage to lift my gaze up to him again. "Did something happen?"
"Sort of," I shrug again, swallowing hard but managing to hold his gaze. "I just… don't want you to see me differently. Cause… I might wake up in the night again."
He drops the hanger he was holding and instantly crosses over to me, his hands firm on my shoulders. "Hey," he says softly, waiting until I look up at him again before he lets out a quiet breath. "I won't look at you any differently, okay? I promise."
I want to believe him. So I tell myself that his words are true. I don't want to push him or anyone else away anymore. I've had enough of that over the past couple of days. Alex is trying to help me. Even if I shut everyone else out, I can't do it to him.
"There's… something else," I breathe before he can step away from me. I have to drop my gaze from his but I drag in a breath and use what little courage I have left to ignite my bones long enough to keep me warm. "My dad… called. Left a voicemail."
Alex's eyebrows are drawn down when I look up at him and he lets out a soft breath, nodding like he wants me to keep talking. I don't know if I have strength enough to speak. But I swallow hard and force something out. I refuse to let myself settle back into the silence that only comes when I run from things.
"He said… that there's a lot he needs to apologize for," I say softly, glancing up at Alex in the silence. One look at the expression on his face tells me everything I need to know. It doesn't matter what dad's said on the message.
I let out a breath, dropping my gaze as I scratch the underside of my chin. I offer up another shrug and keep my stare away from him. "I don't know. I just thought I should mention it."
"Please tell me that you're not considering going back to him," Alex says quietly and it stings more this time than it ever has before. Cause I know the truth about him now. He cares so damn much about me cause he knows what this is like. He's watched me go back to dad countless times and all along, he knows what having a father like that feels like.
I shake my head, steeling myself before I manage to look up at him. "No. I don't want to see him anymore," I admit, my eyes falling closed in the silence as I heave myself up from the ground I've always let dad push me to. I'm done being his punching bag and I'm done letting him fuck with me the way he always does.
Alex squeezes my shoulders gently and I take the action as the comfort he's intended it to be. I don't want this shit to tear at me the way it's always done so I let it go. For just a moment, I let the weight of all of the bullshit that comes along with dad fall off my shoulders. And I convince myself I'm doing the right thing. Cause I'm finally doing something that's right for me.
I wake from another nightmare. I don't know if I've made a noise or if Alex wasn't sleeping but either way, he sits up when I do. I keep my clenched fist pressed to my lips, desperately willing myself to calm down. Despite my pounding heart and shaking hands, I try to pretend that I'm fine.
"I'm here," Alex says, his voice thick with sleep but I can hear the concern in his tone. His arm fits around my back and I don't push him away this time. I lean into him despite the shivers racing through me and Alex drags the blankets up around me.
Everything inside of me is bouncing around like I'm running a fucking marathon and it takes all the strength I have just to exhale out a breath. Alex seems to understand how hard I'm trying to hold on cause his arm around my back is firm, holding me in place despite the way my body is trembling.
"I've got you," he says softly and I focus on his words. I try really fucking hard to stop giving the trembling all of my attention and force myself to focus on Alex instead. On his arm around me and his soft voice and the even breaths he's taking in.
I drag in a breath, my face in my hands for only a moment before I stop hiding this. I'm terrified. Over nothing. Over everything. But Alex is here. I'm not alone in my bedroom, trying to stitch myself back together. Alex is here.
He shifts his arm around me when I push back against him and I practically collapse against the pillows again, the shivers racing through me. Alex lays down beside me, tucking the blankets closer around me before he pulls me to his chest.
The silence is only punctuated by my shaky, uneven breaths, and the sound of his heartbeat in my ears. He doesn't ask me what I was dreaming of and even though I feel the need to apologize, I don't say a word. Cause other things are so much more important to get out in this moment.
"If I go to therapy… do you think that'll fix this?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper on the question but I ask it.
Alex tucks me closer to him, letting out a quiet breath as he rests his cheek against the top of my head. "I don't know. It might make it easier," he says softly, his hands working to smooth the covers around me. "I think it might make other things easier, too."
I swallow hard, tasting the desire on my tongue. I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. I don't want to fall asleep next to Danny and wake in a cold sweat and a panic that he can't bring me down from. I want to feel normal again and I don't think I can do it on my own.
"Then… I-I wanna try it," I all but whisper, tears threatening to overwhelm me as I drag in a breath that begs of promise and tastes of giving in to something I so desperately need. "If it can fix this… I'll give therapy a try."
A/N:
YOOOOO! MERRY CHRISTMAS BIATCHES
I know I said I probably wouldn't be back until after Christmas but surprise! It wouldn't be the holidays without an angsty update, amiright? ;P
Anyway, I hope your holidays are going well. Being around family can be stressful as fuuuuck but I hope you're all still enjoying yourself. And if you're not with family, hey, that's cool too. You do you, bros
SO. As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter. I'm particularly curious as to what you think of the Chuck/Alex dynamic. I looooove writing the two of them. And I can't wait for you all to know what's up with them. Soon.
A lot of you seemed to like Alex's uncle Tony, who was introduced in last update. Honestly, I really like him too. He's a damn trooper, that's for sure. And I really like the dynamic between him and Dash. Oh and Emilio! Please tell me any thoughts you have about Emilio. I didn't plan to like him this much but it just kind of happened?
MOVING ON. The part where Danny comes to visit….. PLEASE. I'm dying, let me know what you think of it. I wrote it so long ago and I've been so eager to hear someone else's thoughts about it. Dash holding him in the bathroom while he looked at how perfect they look together in the mirror. Just… ahhhh gotta love that angst
The title of this chapter comes from Before October's Gone by Cimorelli. I heard this song on Spotify not too long ago and I was like "damn, if that line ain't Dash his dad, I don't know what is" That's how this title was picked lmao. But I actually feel like parts of the song are very Dash his dad? Like, maybe it's just me but damn. Also, it's a good song so give it a listen if you want, it's pretty cool
Thank you all so much for such an amazing year with this fic. I can't believe it'll be THREE years since I started writing it this January. Any thoughts of what I should do to celebrate it? I have a couple ideas but I'd love to know if you have an idea
Okay, I've rambled on for long enough. I hope you're all enjoying yourselves – whether you celebrate a holiday or not. I wish you all the best and for real this time, I won't be updating for a couple weeks. Well into January, for sure
Thanks so much for reading this update, I hope you've enjoyed it and stick around for the next one. I can promise angst (like always), some Kwan goodness, late night talking/snuggling with Danny, and a surprisingly fast coming out scene. You'll know it when you see it ;)
See you next update!
