Warning: brief talk of abuse, family separation, anxiety, and on-screen homophobic slurs
Days pass slowly with the Moreno's but I hold onto it all. Every day, there's something else to laugh about, some old story of Alex's childhood that I haven't heard yet. And when his uncle Tony leaves, the house feels quieter.
Even though I try to keep myself in the moment and not wander off inside my own head, my every thought ends up tangled with the decisions I keep making.
Like the one to leave dad or the one where I decided therapy was worth a try. I know that all of these decisions will catch up to me when school starts back again but I've still got a little while before that happens. And I don't want to spend that time wondering what if.
The night Tony leaves, I steal some time alone and finally give Kwan a call. We've exchanged a few texts since Christmas but it's not enough. It doesn't tell him everything he needs to know and it doesn't bring me the relief I desperately need.
So I call him and I tell him all of it. It's fuzzy and I don't include nearly enough details as I should but just saying some of it is enough.
I talk about mom, and dad, and the way I'm falling so desperately in love with the whole Moreno family. I leave Danny out of the conversation and I don't know if it's the fear of being overhead or if I'm sticking to the promise of keeping this quiet for a while.
The call isn't enough for Kwan and he asks to come see me for a few hours. Even though I love every moment I get to spend with this family, I feel the itch to get out of here for a while. And spending time with Kwan provides the perfect excuse. So I give him the address and tell him to pick me up tomorrow.
Before I crawl in bed that night, I tell Alex that I'm going with Kwan for a few hours. I get the sense that he's hesitant to let me go. But he doesn't tell me not to and I fall asleep on his shoulder again, the feeling of his warmth lulling me to sleep.
Kwan gets to the house a little past noon and I surprise myself with how much I'm looking forward to this. Usually when dad's worked me over and I'm still sporting lingering bruises, I want to hide away from everyone. But I want to spend time with Kwan… and if we happen to be somewhere that I can find a gift for Danny, that'll be fun too.
I'm the one to open the door for him even though it's not my house. As soon as Kwan sees me, he rushes forward. His arms circle my back and he drags me closer to him, the fear obvious in the shaky breath he lets out.
"God, Dash," he breathes.
I guess the bruises still look pretty bad.
Alex comes into the living room just as I pull away from Kwan. "Hey," he calls softly, giving the both of us a smile as he takes a step closer. "It's good to see you again, Kwan."
Kwan stands a little straighter, a smile easing onto his face. "Thanks. It's good to see you too. Thanks for… taking care of Dash."
His expression losing some of the light to it as he shifts his gaze to mine and I hate it. I don't want the way my face looks or anything to fuck with today. I've missed Kwan. And I just want it to be about that right now.
I lightly punch Kwan on the shoulder, sticking my tongue out when he looks at me. "Shut up. We're supposed to have fun today," I say, cutting him off when he tries to interject. "We can talk about all this shit later."
Kwan rolls his eyes, looking to Alex again. "Classic deflecting move. So Dash," he teases, despite the middle finger I give him. Alex laughs and my heart feels lighter, listening to the sound rumbling from him.
"Okay well… just send me a text when you're headed back this way. Kendra and I are going out later today," Alex says, shifting his gaze back to mine. "If you want to get a hold of me, just call me and I'll pick up, okay?"
I nod even though I won't need it. I'll be with Kwan for a few hours and if anyone can get me out of my head, he'll do it. And even though everything's still a wreck and I'm not sure of anything anymore, I know that going with Kwan today will be good for me. Being around him always is.
Kwan's truck is covered in mud and I give him a look as soon I see it. His whole face turns red and even though I don't know if I want to know, I ask anyway. "What the hell happened to your truck?"
He coughs once, not looking at me as we cross over to it. He gets in the driver's side and as soon as I'm in the passenger seat, I give him a look that he wilts under. He sinks down in the seat, burying his face in his hands as an embarrassed laugh escapes him.
"Keith took me mud racing," he says, peeking at me from between my fingers. Whatever look is on my face convinces him to hide again and he lets out a noise that's some cross between a whine and a groan. "He told me it's a tradition in his family. All of his cousin's took their girlfriends mud racing over the summer and Keith wanted to do it before he sees them again next month."
Kwan drops his hands from his face and steals a glance at me, his cheeks still red as he shrugs. "I don't know. It was… fun." He drops his gaze from mine as a nervous smile cracks his expression. "I've never done anything like that before."
"I just feel bad for your car," I respond, rolling my eyes when he looks at me. "At least give it a wash before school starts. For me?"
He laughs but it's tinged with that same nervousness I feel in my own veins when I think of Danny. And I guess we're alike in that sense for now. Kwan's been with guys before so it's not new to him. But being with Keith is.
"You like him a lot, huh?" I ask, feeling like I should know this by now. He's been with Keith for a couple of weeks – and I'm his best friend. I should know already. But asking now is better than not asking at all.
Kwan exhales softly and fidgets with his keys before he looks at me with a nod. "Yeah, I do," he admits, his cheeks tinged pink but not the full blush he was wearing moments before.
He shrugs, chewing on the inside of his lip like he's choosing his words carefully. "I met his family over the holidays. Like, officially, you know? And… they're all really nice. His parents are so much, I swear. They wanted pictures of the two of us because they told me that Keith hasn't stopped smiling since we started going out."
The image in my head of the two of them squished next to each other for a photo, wearing ugly Christmas sweaters, makes me grin. And the look on my face makes Kwan blush again and he shoves my shoulder with the palm of his hand.
"Shut up," he hisses out, dropping his forehead against the steering wheel as a whine leaves him. He's quiet for a few seconds while I try to school my expression into something less teasing. "I really like him, Dash. And I know it's only been a few weeks but… I don't know. It feels good with him – it's so natural between us, you know?"
I don't know if I get it the way he's explaining it. Nothing with Danny feels natural to me. I'm clumsy hands and nervous breaths and filled with so much fucking worry over how other people might react. But this isn't about me and the way that I feel. And even if I don't understand the way that Kwan's saying it, I get it. I know what he means.
"Yeah… that's good though, right?" I ask, unsure if Kwan's looking to get my input or not.
He sits back in his seat, letting out a heavy breath as he looks at me again with a nod. He runs his hand through his hair, his gaze shifting out the windshield again as he smiles. "Yeah. It's really good. A-Anyway… where do you want to go?"
I shrug and sink down in the passenger seat despite how tender my back still is. "I don't care. Somewhere with coffee," I joke, shifting my gaze out the window again. I can feel tension slowly settling between us and I hate that it's here again. I hate that I can feel it starting between us when things are supposed to be okay right now.
"Can we go to the mall?" I suddenly ask, turning back to look at him before he can bring up the shit that I've been dealing with lately. I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to think about it yet. I want to spend the day with Kwan and not have to worry about all this shit.
Kwan gives me a look like he wants me to bring up the dark shit but when I don't give in, he does. He exhales out, turning his keys in the engine before he nods. "Sure. But I'm getting the holiday drink at Starbucks cause I know it's still there and you're not allowed to judge me."
It makes me laugh when he sticks his tongue out and as we pull away from the Moreno house, I feel lighter than I have in months. I feel like things could be turning around for good. And for once, I'm not trying to guilt myself into running back to what I've always had. This time… I feel like I could reach for something more.
Spending time with Kwan is like blinking the day away. We hit every major clothing store we can find in the mall as Kwan frets over what to wear to meet Keith's grandparents. They're apparently coming down next month along with his cousins – some kind of family reunion – and Kwan's determined to make a good impression. And considering I'm such a great friend, I spend the day offering moral support… with a lot of teasing mixed in for good measure.
"Tell me again what's different with this sweater compared to the other twenty gray sweaters you've tried on?" I tease from outside another dressing room, nursing my second cup of coffee of the day.
We had lunch hours ago and even though Kwan insists that every store we walk into will be the last one, I know we're far from over. I haven't found anything even remotely worthy of Danny and I'm starting to lose hope. I don't want to get him something just because. I want it to be something he'll like. Or maybe something he'll look good in – either one works for me.
"Because," Kwan's voice comes back through the door of the dressing room. "The others made me look too tall." He sighs heavily, letting out a groan. "I don't think this one is fitting right. My shoulders look huge."
I collapse back on the bench outside the dressing room, responding to his groan with one of my own. "Dude, this is starting to get painful. If I knew this was how today was gonna go, I never would have suggested the mall," I tease, laughing when he starts protesting again.
He comes out of the dressing room, a pile of clothes draped over one arm. He shoves a bunch of hangers toward me. "Help me put these away."
Kwan separates one pile of clothes from the other. He drops one pile on the bench beside me and waits until I take the hangers before he sorts the pile in his arms.
"These jeans made my ass look great but I can't pull off acid wash," he moans.
I hang up one of the sweaters he tried on before I look up at him. "No one can pull off acid wash jeans anymore. Wasn't that shit supposed to die in the 90s?"
"Abercrombie and Fitch doesn't have to follow the rules of fashion, apparently," he responds, letting out another sigh before he puts the jeans to one side. He looks around at the pile before he looks up at me. "Considering I've exhausted all the resources here and I'm guessing you don't want to go to another clothing store just so I can keep doing this… where do you want to go?"
I hang up a pair of jeans before I look up at him again. "Anywhere that doesn't sell clothes."
He rolls his eyes, gathering up what I've already hung back on the hangers. "Whatever. Just figure it out. I'm gonna go put this all back," he says, disappearing before I have the chance to tease him again.
Now's the perfect time to tell him that I'm looking for a gift for Danny. But I'm scared that the words won't make it past my stuttering tongue and clenched teeth. I'm not afraid of what Kwan will think. I'm afraid of what everyone else will. And I guess that fear keeps me silent because when he comes back, I joke around and keep the focus off of me, promising myself that I'll tell him the truth soon.
We're in an overpriced shop geared toward emo and scene kids when I finally find it. The perfect thing for Danny is staring at me from across the shop and I abandon the conversation I'm in the middle of with Kwan and one of the sales clerks, immediately crossing over to it.
A black jacket with the phases of the moon printed down the length of each sleeve is paired with a smattering of stars on the back with the words "Stargazer Extraordinaire" embroidered on. It's perfect. It's fucking perfect. It's so Danny.
I practically throw my back out just getting it down but as soon as it's in my hands, I know I'm not leaving the shop without it. I can already picture the look on his face when he sees it and it makes me grin like a lovesick fool but I love it. I love that I know it'll look good on him and I love that I know he'll love it.
"Need help getting down a different size?" the sales clerk asks, already making her way over to me when I look up from the jacket.
Kwan's following behind her, a question on his face and I can't hide the grin as he gets closer to me. He takes one look at the jacket and from the expression on his face, I think he knows why I want this jacket. Danny's a lot smaller than me so I ask if the sales clerk has a small and she gets it down for me.
I follow the clerk up to the register and Kwan easily catches up to me, a smirk on his face when I glance his way.
"What?" I practically whisper, completely at his mercy with the blush I can feel coloring my face. I can't help it. I finally found something worthy of Danny. I fucked up on his birthday with the gimmick star thing but this time – this time I've got it right.
"You know what," Kwan says, laughing when I duck my head. "Just admit you're trying to get him to fall in love with you."
I pointedly ignore him as I get out my wallet and hand over my card. "Shut up. And fuck you." I cut my eyes toward him but not for longer than a few seconds. I feel like I'm gonna spontaneously combust but I'm so fucking happy at the same time. I don't know if he'll fall in love with me but I know he'll fall in love with this jacket.
When the sales clerk hands over my receipt along with my card, I'm quick to head to the exit. I'm mainly avoiding Kwan's stare but he catches up to me before I can get away.
"You're blushing," he points out, grinning like a fucking horrible best friend. It's not supposed to be like this. He's supposed to be fucking supportive, not teasing me. He's not supposed to act like me whenever he's talking about Keith. Fuck, I hate him right now.
I elbow him in the rib and he laughs loudly. There's a second of silence between us – only a moment – before he's teasing me again. But in that second, I hear someone else speaking.
I don't know if it's the cashier we were with only moments ago, or if it's someone else in the store, but someone mutters something about me. Something that has the word faggot in it.
From the look on Kwan's face, I know he's heard it too but he's trying to keep the conversation going elsewhere, leading me out of the store. I don't know why I stop – I don't know what I'm expecting – but I turn back to look at the store and I can't pick out who said it. No one's looking at us but I know what I heard. Someone called me it cause they heard how excited I am over a fucking jacket.
"Let's just go," Kwan says, his voice pointedly firm – like he doesn't want me to start something. But I don't know how to stop it.
My throat is tight and I hate that this is happening now. I knew that kissing Danny was a risk itself – not knowing whether he liked me back or not – but this… this part is what I've really been afraid of.
Amity Park is a small town. It's a fucking small town with small minded people. I don't know which one of them said it. But the bag in my hand feels too heavy now. Like I shouldn't have bought this jacket for Danny.
Who the hell have I been trying to fool? A guy like me doesn't get a guy like him.
"Dash," Kwan says more forcefully this time, waiting until I turn back to him before he grabs my arm, pulling me forward a few paces. "Just forget about it, okay? People are assholes."
I don't say a word as he leads me away from the store but not because I have no words. It's ironic, I guess. For once, I have too much to say in this moment.
My chest hurts from everything I'm holding back. From everything I want to say but I can't. Cause I'm not like Kwan. This shit isn't gonna roll off me the way he lets it roll off of him.
He leads me forward through the mall and though he suggests a few stores, one look at my face gives him his answer. I just want to get out of here and forget that I ever stopped for this stupid jacket. I should have known something like this would happen. Things have been going so well lately.
I almost forgot that I'm not the kind of person that gets the happy ending.
Kwan gets into his truck next to me. He only waits long enough to get the heat going before he turns to me. "Stop it. Get your mind away from where it's at." His eyebrows draw down when I manage to lift my stare to his. "I mean it. Stop thinking about what that asshole said."
How can I? They're right. I hate the word but that person in there was fucking right. I am what they said.
"Stop it," Kwan repeats, reaching across the space between us and putting his hands on my shoulders, shaking me gently. "Don't you remember all those nights I called you scared out of my goddamn mind and begging you to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me? Remember how you used to tell me that everything would be okay? Where's that person now, Dash? What did you do with him?"
He's gone. He was only here for you. It's different with you. Guys have always been on your radar. It's me. I'm the one that never noticed a guy before Danny. Cause I couldn't just be happy with what I fucking had. I don't know, Kwan. I don't know what happened to that guy you used to call but it's not me anymore.
Everything running through my mind must be clear on my face cause Kwan drags me into a hug, a heavy sigh leaving him. He holds me gently but I can't bring myself to hug him back. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with me.
"You can't let what other people think or say affect you like this." Kwan's voice is soft on the words and I wonder how many times he had to tell himself that. I wonder how many times he's had to hold his head high and walk away from someone trashing him just because of who he likes. Just because he likes guys instead of girls. What's the deal? What's the big fucking deal?
I rest my cheek against his shoulder, a sigh rattling from me that's not just from that one slur. It's from all of it – how people at school have treated Dale and Mitch. For Kwan's dad leaving him in the middle of all of this. For Paulina – outing Danny just to save herself. Danny. For surviving Blake only to get me instead. Someone so terrified of being out, I think I've locked myself in the closet with no hope of ever prying the door off again.
"It'll get easier," Kwan promises, holding me closer to him. "It doesn't happen overnight but it will get easier. You start paying less attention to what other people say. You start listening to what you know is the truth and then… then everyone else slips away. The people closest to you won't care about who you love, Dash. They won't."
I don't know if that's true. I know Alex doesn't care and Anastasia doesn't but… I don't know if Tatiana will. And if she hates that I love another boy, I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with it. Because the Moreno's are the closest thing I have to a family now and I'm so goddamn scared of losing a good thing.
I finally have something good. And I'm fucking terrified that I'll blow it by being who I really am.
Kwan pulls out of the parking lot and we drive in silence for ten minutes. But I refuse to let our time end there. I insist we stop for milkshakes and it brings a smile to Kwan's face that eases the tension in my chest.
I know that I don't have it in me to talk about this stuff yet. But chugging extra-large strawberry and chocolate swirl shakes with my best friend brings me a little out of the funk that one careless comment left me in.
We keep each other laughing and when we pull into the Moreno's neighborhood, I don't want to see him go yet. So I purposefully invite him inside so one of them will ask him to stay for dinner.
Tatiana is the one to greet us at the door and she's thrilled to have one of my friends over. As soon as Kwan agrees to stick around, she calls for Anastasia to set another plate, quickly disappearing into the kitchen.
"I gotta call my mom and let her know I'll be home later," Kwan tells me, touching my arm as he passes by me, stepping outside again. I watch the door close behind him and kick my shoes off, moving further into the house.
Alex appears at the top of the stairs, leaning against the banister. "Hey. You have a good time?"
Despite hearing that slur… I had a great time with Kwan. He always pulls me out of my head. I think I could use it a little more often.
"Totally."
A smile lights up Alex's features. "Good. Is he gone or did I hear my mom convincing him to have dinner with us?"
"She managed to convince him," I respond with a grin, hesitating only a second before I cross the room over to the stairs.
I jog up and Alex steps back on the landing, giving me room to step past him. I glance at him over my shoulder, holding the bag with Danny's jacket in it just a little higher so he can see it. "I'm gonna drop this off in your room, okay?"
"Yeah, of course," he responds, following after me anyway. I look away from him before the grin can be too obvious in my features but I feel it starting again. Danny's gonna love this jacket. And he's gonna look fucking great in it.
Alex leans against the doorframe as I cross the room over to the closet, not taking the jacket of the bag before I tuck it to the back of the closet. One look at it has me instantly making plans to see Danny. I need to give this to him before someone else gets it for him.
"I think my mom was a little disappointed that it wasn't Danny with you when she answered the door," Alex says from behind me, smiling when I glance over my shoulder at him. "She keeps calling him a sweetheart. That's like the highest form of praise from her."
I swallow hard, unable to hold his gaze as the white-hot flush of that word washes over me again. It's just a word. It's just a fucking word. I don't know why I'm letting it hold so much power over me – it's not like it came from someone I even know. Maybe I'm just scared that one day it will.
"She'll probably love Kwan too when she gets to know him. He's always kind to you so that'll put him in good with her," Alex says but when I look at him this time, he's not smiling. There's a hesitancy between us that he's unsure of how to break and I wish he'd ask. I wish he'd ask me if something happened.
I hear the door open downstairs and Alex looks over his shoulder at the noise. I can feel the tell-tale signs of the trembling starting in my hands. My legs feel jittery. It's just a word. It's just a word.
"Yeah, she'll… love him, too," I respond, ducking my head when Alex looks back at me. "I should… go see him. Wouldn't want to leave him at Anastasia's mercy."
Alex doesn't laugh and I guess it's the tone of my voice. I must sound more terrified than I feel because he catches my sleeve when I try to step past him. All of the bravado flees my system in a single second. Cause it's Alex. Cause I feel like I'm walking a fucking tightrope with the way I feel. But I don't want to break down here. I don't want to spend another dinner barely holding myself together.
"Later," I promise, meeting Alex's curious stare. I swallow again, dragging in a breath like it'll suddenly give me the courage and the strength I so desperately need in this moment. "I'll tell you… later. Okay?"
He hesitates a second – seems almost reluctant to let me go – but he does. He loosens his grip on my sleeve and I exhale out, a shiver running through me.
He follows me out of his bedroom, squeezing my shoulder before he gives me the space I need to figure this out. If I talk now, it'll all come out in a rush and I know I'll feel unfinished. I need the time to decide how I want to tell him what happened tonight.
But I don't want to keep this to myself. Alex is on my side. He'll care about this. He does care about this. Even though he doesn't know what happened yet, Alex cares. And for now, knowing that makes it easier just to keep my head up and not let the fear take too much from me.
I make it through dinner in one piece. I don't feel myself breaking apart at the seams and every time I laugh at something someone has said, it's sincere. And when dinner's finished, I invite Kwan to hang around for a while longer.
We end up in Alex's bedroom, the two of us lounging on the floor as we both stare lazily at our phones. Kwan insists that he's not texting Keith but when I get a look at how pink his face is, I know he's lying.
"Shut up, okay. You're gonna be even worse when you finally pluck up the courage to tell Danny how you feel," Kwan bites back, quickly focusing his gaze on his phone as I lift my stare to him.
He doesn't know yet. I haven't told him that I've kissed Danny. That I've done more than just want and ache for him lately. I know what he tastes like. I know what it's like now, Kwan. I know what he's like.
To: Danny
Hey
Remember how we said that we were gonna keep the two of us quiet for a while?
Can I tell Kwan?
I chew on my thumbnail, not sure whether I made the right call or not. But his name lights up my screen almost instantly and eases the pressure sitting on my chest.
From: Danny
I mean
I already broke that cause I told my sister lol
So yeah, go ahead
Tell me how he reacts though?
I breathe in deep, scrabbling in the dark for the courage I know I need to speak. I shift on the floor, and keep my stare purposefully focused away from Kwan. I can't look at him as I say this. As I finally admit what's enough to flush my cheeks just from the fucking thought.
"That's rich, Keith asked you out. At least I had the nerve to be the one to do it," I say as calmly as I fucking can given the circumstance. I tell myself I'm not holding my breath, waiting on his response but I am. Of fucking course I am.
Kwan proceeds to hide his face for a few seconds longer until what I've said clicks. Until he realizes what I mean and then he's all over me.
He drops his phone and practically scrambles up from the carpet, scooting over to me with a wicked grin on his face.
"Oh my god, are you kidding me?" he asks, and I fucking hate him for the look on his face.
I scoff, keeping my gaze locked on my phone as I slowly type out a response to Danny. "Shut up." I refuse to look at Kwan cause I know he's gonna tease me. Not that I don't fucking deserve it for the way I've been treating him about Keith but still.
"How'd you tell him – like what'd you say?" Kwan asks, stealing a pillow off the bed and flopping down on his chest next to me. He swings his legs back and forth in the air and drops his chin into his hands. "Come on, Dashy – tell me eeeverything!" his voice in a tone that's meant to remind me of a high school girl talking about her crush. Fuck you, Kwan. Fuck you so much.
"I'm ignoring you." I stare pointedly at my screen as I press send on the text to Danny, feeling my will to live slowly slip away. There's no getting out of this.
To: Danny
I've made the wrong choice
He's teasing the fuck out of me
"Oh come on – details, Dash. I need the details," Kwan's saying, a wolfish grin on his face when I look up at him again. "Did you ask him out? Or did you just say that you liked him – cause there is a difference there."
I roll my eyes, leaning over to shove him by the shoulder. "Shut up. I kissed him, alright?"
I rake my fingers through my hair and flop back on the floor again. I close my eyes against the flush I can feel creeping up my face.
Kwan laughs softly and I flip him off, on the verge of fucking combusting. I should never have teased him so much – karma's a fucking bitch and Kwan's never gonna let this go.
"You just kissed him? What like – out of the blue?" he asks and I don't want to answer that.
I shrug but he pushes for the details and I find it hard to hold back. "Yeah, I guess it was kind of… a spontaneous thing. It was just… we were standing really close and it was… after a lot of shit happened and I couldn't hold back anymore," I respond, chewing on the inside of my lip before I flick my gaze to Kwan's.
His eyebrows are drawn down a little and he's lost the teasing smirk to his expression. He scoots closer to me on the floor and drops his gaze, letting out a breath that shakes.
"Was that… after you came home from seeing your mom?" he asks softly and I slowly drag in a breath.
It was after a hell of a lot more than that but Kwan doesn't know everything. I didn't tell him the specifics of what happened with dad cause I wanted today to be a good day. I didn't want to dredge up my shit and bring the mood down but… I think I owe him the truth.
My own exhale rattles on the way out. It feels like it blows the dust off all my old wounds in the process. I wanted to keep them all hidden for just a little longer but Kwan deserves to know what's going on with me. More than anyone – Kwan deserves the truth.
"Yeah, it was after my mom." I run my hand down my face, desperately trying to find the strength I need to get through this conversation.
Kwan swallows hard, his eyebrows drawn down as he chews on his bottom lip. "What happened?"
"She didn't want me."
My voice is small and fragile on the few words. It's not what I wanted to say but it's what comes out of me and I don't want to take it back. It's the truth. "I drove through the night to get to her – kept going until we hit Ohio and… in the end, she didn't want me."
Kwan puts his hand on my arm. For a few agonizing minutes, I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to put it into words – and just thinking about it hurts. But I drag in a breath and I forge strength from my crumbling bones, convincing myself to keep going.
It comes out slowly but I tell the story. How mom pushed me away – how she wanted to have an abortion with me – and all the shit about dad comes out too. I tell Kwan about the shooting and going to the hospital to see him and the fucking voicemail he left me. I don't know how I tell it all without tearing up but I end the conversation with dry eyes and a fucking heavy heart.
I don't think Kwan knows what to say when I've finished. I don't think I know what to say anymore either. So we fall into a silence that's not entirely uncomfortable but I find it hard to settle into. I almost want to ask him to spend the night so we can talk until we both fall asleep. But I know that his mom will call him soon and I don't want to put that on him anyway.
Kwan looks my way when I sit up from the floor and I push my fingers through my hair, letting out a heavy breath before I meet his stare. "I suppose you'll need to be going soon, huh?" I ask, swallowing hard when he nods.
"I could stay," he says quietly and I'm instantly shaking my head.
It's not his job to sit with me and help me through this darkness. He spent the day with me and he saw a glimpse at my gut-wrenching insecurity over the way I feel for Danny. That's enough. It's enough that he's helped that much.
"No, I'm fine," I respond, shifting my gaze to his to emphasis my point. "Seriously. I've got Alex here – and the rest of this family. You go home, I'll be alright."
Kwan's hesitating but when I get up from the floor, he follows me. We leave the room together and both Anastasia and Alex wish Kwan a good night. I walk him out and we make it to his truck before he turns to look at me.
"Dash, I'm really sorry," he says, stopping me when I try to interject. "No, listen. I'm sorry that I didn't know all of this shit was going on. Danny was the one to tell me that you'd left and if he hadn't… I don't know that I would have known you were even with your mom. And this stuff with your dad… I'm just sorry I didn't know."
I shrug, shoving my hands in my pockets to stave off the cold. "It's not like there was anything you could have done."
I drop my gaze in the silence, my breath hanging in the air when I sigh. I don't want this shit to matter that much. I don't want it to change everything between us the way I can already feel it doing. All my life, the shit with dad has tainted everything I've ever had. I don't want it to ruin what I have with Danny. I don't want to let it infect my friendship with Kwan.
"I'm fine, okay? I have the Moreno's looking out for me and I know… I know that I can call you if I need you," I mumble, keeping my gaze downcast even as Kwan steps closer to me.
He puts his hands on my shoulders but he's quick to drag me in a hug that makes me ache but it makes everything feel so much better. I don't feel the need to stitch myself together in this moment cause Kwan's got me. As long as he's here, I don't have to fall – and even if I do, I know he'll catch me.
The night feels colder when he leaves. Once I've gone back inside, I tell the Moreno family goodnight and I head upstairs to take a long shower. I don't know how long I stand under the spray but it's almost midnight when I finally leave the bathroom.
Alex isn't in the bedroom yet but I crawl in bed anyway, pulling the covers up around me. I don't feel sad anymore but something feels off. I can't put my finger on it and it unnerves me more than it has the right to. I don't want to let it fuck with me all night so I turn to my phone, already knowing he'll still be awake.
To: Danny
How's your day been?
From: Danny
You wanna go for a drive?
His question is so blunt, I'm almost surprised by it. He's never so direct. I don't know why he's asking me that. And I could probably use the rest instead but… I think he might need me.
To: Danny
Sure. Pick me up?
From: Danny
Yeah, I'll be there soon
I slip out of Alex's room, dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, and creep downstairs. No one's downstairs but I'm still quiet in my movements. I find my shoes by the front door and I slip them on, stepping outside before Danny's even texted to say he's here.
A few cars come slowly through the neighborhood but Danny's is the only one that stops at the edge of the driveway. With one last glance back at the house, I move down the length of the driveway and get in the passenger seat of his car.
Danny's got music playing softly and the heat's on in his car. His face is flushed and blotchy like he's spent some time crying and it makes the breath hitch in my throat. What's happened?
Before I get a chance to ask him anything, I lose all space in his car. He's undone his seatbelt and presses me flat against the window, his lips on mine. The kiss is both hot and cold – telling me that something's off. That this kiss isn't just to feel my lips on his. He wants something more than just this but I don't know what it is. And I don't know if he'll find it in me.
"What's… wrong?" I ask when we break apart for air.
He answers with a groan before driving me back against the window again, his tongue in my mouth and his hands in my hair. I taste his tears before I even realize he's crying again and then his face is against my chest and he's holding onto me so tightly.
I slide my arms around him and press shaky kisses to his hairline. I'm hoping it helps – any of it – but he's sobbing and I'm breaking and I don't know how to help him. I don't know what he wants from me in this moment and all I can do is hold him.
As heart-stopping and earth shattering as his cries were, he calms down quickly. And then he's just laying against my chest, walking his fingers up and down my arm. He doesn't say anything about the sadness and I'm almost afraid to ask him. If it were me in his place, I'm not sure that I'd want to tell someone. But from how his body shook as I held him, I think he needs to tell someone.
"You okay?" I ask softly, being quiet on the few words. It still drags a sigh from Danny but I don't think it's because of me.
He shifts against my chest a few times until he's settled, his cheek against my stomach now and he slowly nods. "Yeah." His voice is gravelly from the crying and it twists my gut to hear him this way. I don't know what's going on with him and I don't want to make him cry again but I think he needs to get it off his chest.
"Wanna talk about it?"
Danny groans, burying his face in my sweatshirt as he shakes his head. I don't want to push him. I've spent so much time pushing him already. But I'm scared for him. I don't know what's fucking with him and it scares me.
I can't help if I don't know what's going on.
"You know there's nothing you could say that could push me away, right?" I ask more as something to say. He knows that. Of course he knows that. I've set a fire for him, convinced Valerie to steal evidence for him… there's nothing I won't do. Even if what I have to do is just wait this out until he's ready to talk, I'll do that for him.
He sighs again, this one more weighted than the last and he pushes away from me, sitting up in the driver's seat again. The distance between us makes the air feel colder now, despite the heat still running in his car. He won't look at me at first, his gaze focused on the steering wheel for a long few minutes before he'll look my way again.
"The holidays are hard for me," he admits softly, swallowing hard as he drops his gaze again with a nod. "My parents… fight. Non-stop from the time the decorations go up to the time they come down. I don't know why, they just do it. And tonight…"
Danny lets out a heavy breath, gripping the steering wheel with both hands. He closes his eyes, leaning forward until he's resting his forehead against the wheel. I watch him in silence for a few seconds, debating whether or not to reach out and touch him but he speaks before I can.
"They got into another stupid fight and my dad grabbed some of his stuff and left. He said he'd rather spend the night in the shitty motel up the road than stay in the same house as my mom," he says in a rush, squeezing his eyes closed tighter as a shiver runs through him. "They've done this before and I know he's not gone for good but… I don't know why they do this. I don't get it."
I don't know what to say. My parents fights always ended with bruises and most of the time, me patching my mom up and sometimes the other way around. I don't have a normal life to compare it to. I've never heard an argument between my parents that didn't shake me or make me afraid.
"I'm sorry," is what I go with in the silence and I know it's shitty. He's worth more than two words and I wish I knew what to say. I wish words came easily to me and I wish that he could know how much I care. That the way he feels isn't just his burden anymore. I'm here, Danny. I'm here now.
He pushes away from the steering wheel, turning to look at me with fresh tears brimming in his eyes.
"Why?" he asks, his voice breaking on the one word. "This time of the year, they both lose their goddamn minds when they argue. And if Jazz or I try to interrupt or diffuse the situation, it just makes things worse. We don't even know what they're fighting about and half the time, I don't think even they know."
I try to cough out something worth anything to help with his pain but I don't think there's anything I can say. Not because of my shit way with words but cause I don't think that'll help him. He's not looking for some kind of solution – he's looking for this. Talking about it, having someone listen – having me listen. So instead of scrabbling for words that don't mean anything, I encourage him to keep going with a simple nod and it pushes him over the edge.
Everything comes rushing out of him like a river finally freed from a dam and he can't stop talking. He tells me how it's been since he was a kid and how every year, the holidays are ruined for him because of his parents. How he used to spend days hiding out in his room, just waiting for it to be over. He tells me it's been better the past couple of years – that his parents have kept the fighting to a minimum and barely when he's home. But not this year.
He's nearly hysterical as he talks, telling me everything that goes on around this time of year and how horrible it always makes him feel. He tells me that he's been so damn anxious lately cause of the shit they pull. It makes me ache for him and when he finally lets me hold him, the tears start again.
I hold him while he cries, whispering that I'm here. That I'm not going anywhere and that I've got him. He didn't have someone before to dry his tears and put his heart at ease but he does now. He's got me and I've got him. I've got you, Danny. I've got you.
Danny doesn't want me to go yet. And even though I try to get him to let me drive, he insists on doing it, and takes the two of us to the outlook.
We lay back on the hood of his car together, watching the sky overhead, and talking about anything other than our shit. I make him laugh and though I try to keep it going, telling him one insane story after another, I know when his responses are more subdued that he's slipped back into his pain and there's little I can do to help him.
It's quiet between us for several long minutes until my phone starts to ring. Danny glances at me at the noise and I quietly apologize, slipping the device from my pocket. It's late and I can only imagine that Alex is worried about me. I've missed a few texts from him so I answer the call immediately.
"Hey," I answer with, letting out a long, slow breath.
Alex's voice is relieved when it comes on the line and I'm hit with a stab of guilt at the thought of him worrying because I didn't take the time to tell him I was leaving. "Dash, where are you? Ana said you took a shower but she didn't see you after that."
I flick my gaze to the sky in the silence, running a hand down my face. "I'm sorry, I should have told you – Danny came to get me. I'm with him now," I respond, glancing toward him in the silence.
Danny slides a little closer to me and intertwines his fingers with mine, letting out a soft breath before his eyes fall closed.
"Why didn't you tell me? I've been texting you. I thought…" Alex groans softly. "I just thought… that you might have gone to see your dad."
Hearing that makes the breath stick in my throat and I choke on everything I can't say. If certain things were different – if the beautiful boy beside me didn't need me tonight, maybe I would have gone to see dad. But I'm with Danny now and I don't think I get to have him and my dad, too. The world isn't kind enough.
"No," I choke out, swallowing hard as I shake my head even though Alex can't see me. "No, I didn't. I-I'm sorry, I should have texted you back. I wasn't paying attention to my phone."
Alex exhales. "It's okay. I'm just glad you're safe." He's quiet for a few seconds before another rattling sigh sounds across the line. "When are you coming home?"
One glance at Danny has my answer for me. "I don't know. But I'll let you know when I'm headed that way."
Even though I could definitely use the sleep at this point, I know I won't get any if I leave him now. He needs me. He sat with me all night at this outlook before and I'll sit with him too. Until his sadness fucks off for a while. Until I make him forget about all the shit he's burdened with. Until I hug him enough to soothe all his jagged edges and glue his broken pieces back together.
I'm sorry, Alex. I am home.
Danny lays his head on my chest for a while, neither of us willing to break the calm silence we've slipped into. And even though it's freezing outside and we're both shivering, we stay where we are. I don't know if he falls asleep on me but I know I drift in and out of it for a while, not even sure what time it is when I wake up again.
He lifts his head from my chest, running a hand down his face as he distances himself from me. I'm instantly colder again and he props his arm up, resting his cheek in his hand as he watches me in silence. A few long seconds pass between us before Danny drops his gaze from mine.
"If Alex is worried about you, I can take you home," he says softly, running his fingers down the hood of his car in the silence.
"No," I respond, scooting closer to him as a shiver runs through me. "I want to be here with you."
"Dash, maybe you should-"
"Come on, you've sat here through the night with me before," I cut him off.
He lets out a quiet breath that hangs in the air and I slide my hand onto his hip, pulling him closer to me. He's shivering from the cold and I try to breathe warmth back into his bones.
It takes a couple tries but I convince him to get in his car where it's warmer.
We get in the backseat together. I'm taller than he is so it's a little cramped for me. But he fits his back against my chest and I don't care about space anymore. I just care about holding him.
My hand is intertwined with his, pressed against his chest. I know he falls asleep but I stay awake. His quiet breathing should work as a lullaby for me but I'm busy watching him as he peacefully dreams.
If all I can do is this, then I'll do it. I'll hold him until the sun rises or until one of us has to go home. It doesn't matter. If this is all he needs, then I'll do this for him. I'll be whatever and do whatever he needs.
Eventually, I drift off too, my face buried in his hair, and the two of us sleep for a couple of hours. I only wake up when he starts to stir in my arms, bringing the chill back.
He sits up on the seat and looks back at me from over his shoulder. "Sorry," he says, his voice thick with sleep. "I didn't mean to wake you." He lets out a quiet breath, turning his stare away from me as a shiver races through him.
"You didn't," I lie, sitting up behind him.
He hesitates for a second but he leans back into me, groaning softly as I slide my arms around his chest. I lean forward enough to press a kiss to his shoulder, wishing it was his bare skin my lips were touching. "You okay?"
He doesn't answer me beyond giving me a simple shrug and I wish there was more I could do for him. I don't know if there's anything else that I could do to help him but I don't want to push him like I've done so many times before. He deserves better than that.
I drop my chin onto his shoulder and hold him closer, loving the way he sounds when he sighs. His eyes are closed when I steal a glance at him and he leans back into the touch, letting me know that he needs this more than he can admit.
"You wanna go get some coffee?" I ask, turning my head just far enough to kiss his neck. He melts into the touch and slides his hand into my hair. I kiss his neck again and a quiet breath is dragged from him. "Come on. It's cold."
He groans when he lets go of me and I miss the contact as soon as he's gone. When he pulls his keys from his pocket, I easily swipe them from him.
"Let me drive?" I ask softly, waiting until he nods before I get out of the car.
He follows me out and moves over to the passenger side. I want to hold him just to let him know that everything's gonna be okay. I want to kiss him until he forgets all of this – this stupid town and his parents stupid fights and everything that comes along with being him.
"Thanks for staying with me," he says as soon as I'm in the driver's seat, shifting his gaze from the floor to look at me. He doesn't smile but his expression softens as he leans forward to press a gentle kiss to my lips.
I kiss him back, molding him against me like I could fix his broken pieces if I just kiss him long enough. But the truth is, I'm not the fixing kind of person and he doesn't need me to do anything for him. He's always stood on his own before. And I guess the most I can do is be the one to get coffee with him and sit with him until the world feels less sad. Even if that's all I can do, I'll be there, no matter when he calls me.
We get our coffee from the Starbucks near school. There's almost no one inside but we still take it outside and sit in his car.
I make him laugh as I tell him about everything that happened the past couple of days. He cracks up when I tell him about Adrian running around the house wearing the cape cause of me.
Danny's laughter makes his eyes crinkle up into half-moon shapes and I love the way happy looks on him. He makes it look good.
So I keep him talking, entertaining him as long as he'll let me. Until he gets a few text messages from his parents and he starts to withdraw again. I don't want to see him go yet but he says he needs to.
The drive back to the Moreno's is quiet but it's not uncomfortable. He puts on a playlist of music I don't recognize but it's easy to slip into with him.
I try to be subtle when I watch him but every time he turns to me with a smile, I know he's seen. And I wish I didn't flush every single damn time but I do. Cause he's beautiful. Cause I can't believe he's mine.
When he pulls his car to a stop at the edge of the Moreno's lawn, I don't want to leave him. I feel like he's still bruised and everything is still pulling at him. I know I can't take the pain from him but if I could, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd sew it to my own skin instead. He shouldn't have to deal with any of this. And I wish I could just make this easier on him.
"I got you something," I say in the silence that falls when he takes his keys from the engine. He waits a few seconds but when he looks at me, there's a hint of confusion in his expression that I grin at. "You're gonna love it."
He laughs softly and I reach for the door handle. "Do you want to come inside? It's upstairs in Alex's room, you can come up with me if you want. It's-"
I stop when he looks away from me with a quiet sigh. I don't know what I said wrong but I stop as soon as his gaze is off me. I don't want to push him and I don't want to make this worse. He's struggling right now and what he's dealing with is important than what I want.
"You can come by in a couple of days to get it if you want to. Give you an excuse to get out of the house," I say softly and that drags a hesitant smile into his expression.
Danny nods, leaning back into his seat before he turns to look at me. "I'd like that, yeah," he says softly, unbuckling his seatbelt before he nods up to house. "Let me walk you to the front door so I can tell my sister that I dropped you off like a gentleman."
I lose my fucking mind at that. My whole face feels like it's on fire and when he laughs, I hide my face behind my hands, feeling like the ground might swallow me whole right now. Oh my god, why'd he have to say that? Oh my fucking god.
"Come on," Danny says with another laugh, getting out of the car and shutting the door behind him. I stay in the passenger seat, my head in my hands for a few long seconds until I manage to get my face to cool down.
He grins at me when I join him on the driver's side of the car and without asking each other, we end up leaning against the side of his car. I don't want to tell him not to go but I don't want to watch him drive away from here. He needed me last night. I think part of him still needs me. And I want to be there for him.
"You sure you don't want to hang around for a while?" I offer and he looks away from me.
Danny stares at the ground for a few seconds, nodding in the silence. "I do. If I could blow off my parents and be with you instead, I would." He lets out a heavy breath, turning to look at me with a shrug. "But I can't run from this. And I don't want to run from it. I just want to get it over with and move on."
I don't know how he deals with his shit and makes it look easy. If it were me going back to either one of my parents, I wouldn't be even a fraction of the calm he is right now. He pulls this off and he makes it look good and I'm envious.
"You know you can call me if you want to get away for a while, yeah? Or even just to talk?" I ask softly and he's quick to nod.
Silence descends between the two of us after that and it's only when the Moreno's front door opens that I shift my gaze away from him. Alex is stepping out of the house, Anastasia and Tatiana quick to follow. I wonder if they're going somewhere or if they heard Danny's car pull up.
He turns to me with a smile, sending those butterflies in my gut up to my throat. "It was nice to get away from reality for a while with you. Thanks again for staying with me."
"You can have any of my sleepless nights," I offer with a smile and a faint blush staining my cheeks. When he laughs, I imagine the sound pressed to my lips and I want it. I want to kiss him right now, feel the way his happiness feels against my lips.
I want to kiss him. I want it to not matter, no matter who's watching. I don't want to hide him from anyone and I don't want him to think I'm ashamed of him. I love him. Scars and bruises and all.
I kiss him hard, my mouth molding to his and his surprised noise doesn't escape my attention. I kiss him in broad daylight – in front of some of the people that mean the most to me in this whole world. I don't hide it and I don't try to pretend that it doesn't matter what they think of this. But I'm tired of being afraid of their reaction. The people closest to me won't care.
Danny pulls away from me, his face stained my favorite shade of pink and I love the look in his eyes. He's breathless as he talks but he says it in a rush – like he can't wait any longer to get it out of his mouth.
"You know they can see us, right?" he asks, voice barely above a whisper on the few words.
I shrug but I know that's not enough of an explanation. He needs more than that and I need to say more than that. My breath sticks in my throat but I force myself to talk anyway, knowing that I need to say these words, one way or another.
"Please don't hate me for doing it this way," I say quietly, dragging in a breath that shakes. "You know how I am with words. I couldn't find a way to say it."
There's sympathy in Danny's eyes. I don't want him to pity me but this doesn't feel like that. It feels like he gets it. Like he's been here before and he knows what it's like to go through the motions of being something you're not.
He opens his arms wide for a hug and I slide my hands around his back just as Anastasia calls out to us. I duck my head, pressing a kiss to his neck that makes him whine.
"Don't kiss me like that unless you plan to follow up, Baxter," he teases but there's enough edge to his voice to let me know that I'm unnerving him. I could be his undoing if we had the time. If there was a place where we could be alone and I could put my mouth all over his body, I'd make sure that he'd never forget what it felt like to be mine.
I pull away from him with a smirk and he rolls his eyes, pushing me away before I get a chance to tease him for the blush on his face. We keep distance between us as Anastasia jogs over to us, grinning like the fucking Cheshire cat.
"What's up you losers?" she asks, cutting me a look that lets me know she saw exactly what I did. I can just hear her teasing me now. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have kissed him in front of her. The teasing's never gonna end now, I can already tell.
I purposefully flick my gaze away from her. Even though I can feel a flush rising to my cheeks, I refuse to give into it.
Anastasia makes a low noise in the back of her throat and raises her eyebrows when I look up at her again. "If you kids are thinking about getting a room here, don't use mine – I just washed my sheets." She literally cackles when I splutter and Danny laughs nervously next to me.
He's rubbing the back of his neck when I manage to look his way and he darts his gaze to mine for a brief second. The look on his face feels so much more alive than before and staring at him now, I almost forget that there's anyone else here with us.
But a car door closing brings me back to the present, reminding me that I just outed myself to three of the most important people in my life.
Alex is coming down the lawn toward the three of us when I look up and Tatiana has disappeared from the yard. The lights click on in her van and my heart drops into my stomach.
"Mom says to get in the car if you're going with her," Alex says, his gaze on Anastasia as he comes to a stop beside her.
She glances at him just long enough to stick her tongue out at him before she shifts her gaze back to me. The grin is still in her expression and she leans forward to give me a shove.
"You try to behave yourself while I'm gone, huh?" She's grinning as she gives Danny a wink and though he's blushing and looks so fucking cute, I can't look at him for long.
Knots twist up inside my stomach and I lean back against Danny's car, letting out a breath that feels like it comes from the depths of my soul. Alex keeps his gaze away from me until Tatiana's car is halfway down the road and I finally turn to look at it.
"It's good to see you again," Alex is saying to Danny and I feel out of their orbit – like I'm watching this outside of myself and I forget that two people I care about are standing beside me. All I can think about is the one person driving away from me.
Alex looks at me and I don't know if Danny's talking or not but it's all white noise to me. I fucked up. I shouldn't have told her this way. She's gonna hate this part of me.
When Alex steps closer to me, his arm brushing mine, it brings all of the sound back and I can hear Danny talking.
I don't know what he's saying but I catch my name and I look up at him. He turns to me with a smile and I don't think I return it. From the way his eyebrows draw down, I don't think my expression changes even a little.
"You should stop for dinner when you have the chance – my mom loves having you around. I know Dash does too," Alex says with a smile, offering up a hug that Danny quickly takes.
It's short and Danny pulls away with a smile but my heart is pounding like everything's going wrong when it's not. I'm just overreacting. Again.
Alex puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes firmly, waiting until I look at him before he speaks. "I'll give you two some space. But we need to talk when you come inside," he says, nodding once before he slides his hand from my shoulder.
I watch him go, not entirely sure that I'm actually in this moment. I feel like I'm ruining this. Like I'm making it a bigger deal than it is. I don't know how to stop this. I'm sorry, I can't stop this.
Danny invites me in for another hug and I step into his embrace, dropping my cheek against his shoulder. This wasn't supposed to happen. I came to him last night cause he needed me to be there for him. I wasn't supposed to make it about me again. Why do I always let shit like this fuck with me?
He holds me closer and I can't take this space anymore. We're close and we're touching but it's not enough. I need him more than this right now so I pull away, my lips finding his as if I've known how to be with him like this my whole damn life.
I pull him closer to me, threading my fingers through his hair and he moans against my lips, sliding his tongue into my mouth as soon as I open it. He distracts me from everything around me and I try to drag him closer, wanting to destroy the space left between us.
I want him. Why is that so wrong?
"Dash," he breathes as he pulls away from me and I chase after him, not even hearing my own stuttered breathing until he covers my mouth with his hand. His eyebrows draw down and when I drop my gaze from his, I feel the tears in my eyes. Cause I can't hold back like this. Cause I can't fucking deal with my own shit.
He pulls his hand from my mouth and I drop my head into my hands, ashamed of the pricking sensation in the corners of my eyes. I don't want to cry about this. It doesn't matter. So what if this changes something between me and Tatiana? It's not like she's actually related to me. She doesn't have any obligation to accept me.
"It's okay," Danny says softly and I guess he already knows what's fucking with me. I guess he also noticed that Tatiana was the only one that didn't come near us. It's not you, Danny. It's me. I'm so fucking sorry I've ruined things again.
I don't want to look at him when I'm like this but he makes me. He puts one hand under my chin and tilts my head up to meet his stare. And I'm ashamed and I'm embarrassed and I know he can see it on my face but he doesn't care. It doesn't change anything to him.
"You'll figure this out," he says softly, his eyebrows drawing down as he nods. "Either she'll come around or you'll figure out how to move past it. She's one person, Dash. She's just one person."
There's a whole world of them I have to come out to, Danny. You don't get it. You don't fucking get it. The Moreno's are all I have – my mom hates my fucking guts and I don't ever want to see my dad again. They're all I have.
Danny tugs me into his arms again and presses a kiss to my neck that makes me shiver. I hold onto him tightly and I don't want to let him go. Because as soon as his arms aren't around me, I know I'll crack and break and someone will have to sweep up my broken pieces.
Don't let me break apart, Danny. Please – hold me together.
In the end, I'm the one to pull away and I put distance between us that neither of us ever wanted. But it's here now and I can't do a damn thing to fix it. It's me. I'm being stupid again and I know that. I can't stop it now that it's here and I stand out in the yard, watching his car pull away from the Moreno's house.
I don't want to go inside. I don't want to talk to Alex about whatever he wants to. I just want to be alone and not have to think for a while. I want to find Tatiana and beg her not to hate me for who I am. I don't want this to define me in her eyes. I like boys. But I'm still me. I'm still the kid you welcomed in like part of your family. Please don't push me out now.
Alex is waiting on me in the living room as soon as I step inside and the second that I see him, I know I can't talk like this. Whatever he has to tell me will be tainted by this and I can't stand it. So I tell him that I should take a shower before we talk and he lets me go without asking why.
I don't know if he knows that I'm fucked cause of his mom's reaction but I don't ask him. Maybe I don't want to know – maybe I just don't care right now. I just go upstairs and gather my clothes, getting in the shower before I even have time to process it all.
I don't know if I cry or not but by the time I'm finishing up, I feel some of the heaviness in my chest leaving me.
I think Danny's right. She's one person. And either she accepts this or she doesn't. I've survived dad and I've survived mom – I can survive this too. Even if it hurts and even if it's hard, I can get through this. I just hope I get through it less bruised and broken than my own parents have left me.
To: Danny
Call me later? I know things might be rough for you today but I want you to know that I'm here
I type and send a text to Danny before I leave the bathroom, only pocketing my phone when the message finishes sending. I don't want what just happened with Tatiana to stop him from reaching out when his shit's difficult to deal with. I want him to know that I'm still here no matter what.
Alex and Kendra are in the kitchen when I come downstairs, both of them drinking coffee. Kendra gives me a bright smile as soon as she sees me and I force myself to stop thinking about what's going on with Danny and the way Tatiana left without a word.
"You guys better have saved me some," I tease, not having to force the smile on my face when Alex turns to look at me.
Even though I can feel his stare on me, I take down a mug from a cabinet only a few steps away from him and I make a cup of coffee.
I should be wrecked right now – or my world should be crumbling more than it is – but it's not. Tatiana's just one person. And even though her and her family mean the world to me… I've lost the world before and survived. I can make it even if she hates me.
"You wanted to talk?" I ask softly, stirring my coffee a final time before I turn around to look at Alex, bringing the mug up to my mouth.
He hesitates for a second, his gaze flicking to Kendra, before he looks back at me. "Yeah, I want to show you something," he says, swallowing hard before he glances at Kendra again with a smile. "We want to show you something."
Kendra steps closer to him and he slides his arm around her, his gaze on me again. "You up for going on a drive?" he asks, his smile widening when I nod. "I'm gonna make a call and then we'll go, okay?"
"Sure," I respond, gesturing to my coffee. "I'll put this in a travel mug."
The kitchen is quiet as soon as Alex leaves and I hear every sound that I make when I transfer the coffee to a travel mug. I can feel Kendra's gaze on me as I snap the lid on and I hesitate a few seconds before I turn around to look at her.
She hesitates too but she sips from her coffee mug, dropping her gaze from me and I get the feeling that it's to give me some semblance of privacy.
"Are you alright?" she asks in a delicate way that I'll never master.
"Yeah," I respond, absent-mindedly fiddling with the lid on the travel mug.
Kendra lets out a quiet breath. "Alex told me how his mom left," she says, her voice soft on the few words. She looks up at me when I raise my stare to her. The expression on her face is sympathetic but I don't know if I want it. It's stupid. I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
"It's fine, I get it," I respond, my voice quieter than I wanted it to be. I don't want to sound like this is fucking with me. It's not. It shouldn't be. She's one person. She's just one person.
"I hope you know… that not all of us feel that way," Kendra says, breaking my train of thought. She takes a small step closer to me, a smile lifting her expression. "I'm really proud of you, by the way. I know that was hard."
I turn to jelly in uncomfortable situations like this. It's the only way I know how to function. If Tatiana hates me for who I am then I'll just avoid her until we can both pretend like it's not a big deal anymore.
I huff out a sigh, dropping my gaze from hers. "Why?"
"You told Danny how you felt," she says, like that should be enough to earn her pride. "I know that had to be really tough. You weren't sure that he would like you back but… you told him anyway. And I'm really proud of you for it. Danny seems like he's a good guy and I think he's lucky to have you."
I can feel the heat on my face and I won't look at her, scratching the underside of my chin in the silence. Danny's great. I don't know if I deserve someone like him. I've fucked up a lot with him. If anyone's lucky in this situation, it's me.
"And… I think you two make a cute couple," she says, sending me completely over the edge.
There's no way I can stop blushing now and I really don't want to get in Alex's car and make a complete fool of myself. So I lift my stare to Kendra's and pretend that my face isn't on fucking fire.
She smiles but there's a tone of apology to the expression and I shrug. It's not her fault that I blush like a fucking idiot whenever I think of Danny.
"Thanks… for saying that," I mumble, dropping my stare to the ground again as I rub the back of my neck.
I don't know what happens from here. I don't know if this is the kind of thing that Tatiana can ignore or if she'll come around. But I've got people like Kendra on my side. People that don't care about this shit. And that's enough. For now, it has to be.
I sit in the backseat of Alex's Charger and we leave the neighborhood, hitting the main road in town.
Kendra turns the radio on, switching it to a station playing soft music. I text both Dale and Jeff, asking how their holidays went. I don't know if I'm asking just to keep my mind away from everything else but when I don't get a response back from either one, I close out of my messages and scroll through Facebook instead.
When Alex pulls the car to a stop, we're parked at the edge of lawn in one of the neighborhoods across town. I feel like I've come here a couple of times to tow someone's car but I don't recognize the street we're on.
Both Kendra and Alex get out of the car without a word and I follow them out. "What are we doing here?" I ask, stretching my arms over my head to unkink my back.
Alex puts a hand on my shoulder as soon as I drop my arms and he steers me toward the front door. "You'll see," he promises with a laugh when I turn to look at him. "Relax, okay? This is a good thing."
Kendra's already at the front door, jiggling the lock open. I glance at Alex and he rolls his eyes when I mutter something about breaking and entering. I don't know what they're dragging me into but if I go down for this, I'm taking them with me.
"I said relax, alright? Jeez, you're wound," Alex comments, huffing out a breath when I give him a grin. "Come on."
We meet Kendra at the door and Alex urges me inside, pushing the door closed after us. There's nothing in the entry way and when they lead me in further, I realize there's no furniture anywhere. If this is their way of showing me they successfully robbed the joint, they really shouldn't announce it like this.
Alex huffs out another sigh when I voice that out loud along with another grin and he looks pointedly at Kendra. For a second, neither one of them say anything until they break eye contact. When Alex is looking at me, he's the one to finally say it.
"Kendra and I have been looking at buying this place," he says, spreading his arms wide to gesture around him. "We brought you here because we want to know your opinion. This place is going to be as much your home as it will be ours so… what do you think?"
I think part of me knew why they brought me here when we pulled into this neighborhood. It's why I've been cracking shitty jokes. Because that same part of myself didn't want to overthink it. I hate getting my hopes up and having it all crash down around me. It makes me feel stupid for ever hoping in the first place.
But this isn't hope anymore. This is reality.
"We want you to live with us, Dash. Permanently, okay?" Kendra says, smiling when I drag my stare from Alex's to hers. She touches my arm with her hand, her expression softening. "We want you to move with us – we don't know if it'll be here or in a different house but… we want out of the apartment."
"You need your own space," Alex says, nodding when I look at him. "I hate the thought of your bedroom being in the living room of the apartment. It's too small for you and you… you deserve your own space."
I don't know what to say. I don't know what they want me to say. But maybe they don't want me to say what they want to hear. Maybe they want to hear what I want to say. I don't know what that is either. I wish I could just figure out something nice to say instead of spitting out the first thing that tumbles from my mouth.
"You sure you want that?"
Alex is confused for a second but his expression softens almost in time with Kendra's. And when he steps closer to me in an attempt to close the distance, I put more between us.
I don't want to hope for something that can never be mine. They're both standing here, offering me more than I could have hoped for, and I'm too fucking terrified to take it.
I want this. I've been talking about moving in with them for weeks. Fuck, before all that shit happened before Christmas, I was already living with them. I was getting used to sleeping on the couch and waking up to the two of them every morning. But I don't know to react to this. I've crashed with my friends before and I've spent a lot of late nights with Alex but… I've never had anyone care this much.
"It's not gonna be easy," I mumble more to myself than to them and I feel like an ass. But this is hard. It doesn't feel like crashing with Alex anymore. Suddenly I'm a part of something bigger than just those late nights avoiding dad's angry blows.
I feel like I'm a part of a family. And I think it means leaving my old one behind.
They're both watching me when I manage to raise my stare but I can't look at them for long. They're asking me to move in with them. They actually want this. It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be so damn hard. But I want this. I'm scared of it and I don't know how things will go from now on but I want it.
I duck my head and scratch at the back of my neck, letting out a heavy breath before I finally look at them. They're both trapped in this breathless state of hesitation and I feel guilty for leaving them like this.
"We'll have to get a bigger coffee pot if we're gonna all live in the same house," I say with as much cheek as I can muster but it works to send the two of them into grins.
Kendra drags me into a hug and holds me tightly, telling me that we're gonna make this work. That it doesn't matter what I need or where we move – but that we're doing this. That the three of us are moving and… I guess that's it.
The shit I've been through doesn't matter anymore. I'm moving out and leaving all of that behind. And my bruised and broken heart is gonna have to get on the same page because I want this. I never let myself have anything I want but I'm grabbing a hold of this with both hands cause I fucking want it.
They show me the other houses they're looking at taking and the three of us have lunch together at a café downtown. They keep me laughing and even though I don't care what place we end up moving into, I fall in love with so many of them.
On the car ride home, I text a few photos of empty rooms to Danny with no context and after the fourth one, he finally asks what I'm photographing. It takes all of my strength just to type the few words I send him but I tell him that they've asked me to move in with them. That there's a couple of people in this world that don't think that living with me is a horrible idea.
From: Danny
Whoa, like… as in you're gonna move?
Are the places they're looking at far away…?
My heart's in my throat despite the gentle music playing from the speakers. I sink down further in my seat, keeping my gaze locked on my phone and not straying anywhere close to the two up front.
To: Danny
Not really. One's a couple miles from the school
A few others are close to that old sawmill that closed when we were kids
From: Danny
Oh so they're still in Amity Park
Okay, cool! :)
It takes me a few seconds to understand his confusion but it hits me like a ton of bricks when I get it. Two of his best friends up and left just after one of the worst years of his life. He went through all that shit with Blake and the accident in his parent's basement. And then his friends were gone the next year.
To: Danny
Yeah, of course they're still here. I don't want to leave now
Not when things are finally looking up
From: Danny
:)
I try to understand what that means but there's not much to draw on just from one emoji. I don't get it. It feels like he's holding back but every time I type out a message just trying to understand, it all feels too much. Like I'm searching for something that's just not there or like I'm drawing on something that's meant to be simple.
To: Danny
You okay?
It's to the point and I'm sure it lets him know that the worry has started to pick at my skin again. I don't want him holding back because he's trying to keep this shit from affecting me. It doesn't matter what I've got going on. I'm here – he knows I'm here.
From: Danny
Yeah
To: Danny
What is it?
From: Danny
It's nothing, Dash.
Just enjoy your time with Alex and Kendra. I'll call you later or something, okay? :)
I'm beginning to hate that stupid emoji. But we're pulling into the driveway of Tatiana's house and I don't want to waste my time on a text message that won't show him that I care. That I'm here for him even when things go to shit.
Alex and Kendra are talking animatedly about the houses we've seen today and I desperately want to be a part of that conversation but my heart's in two right now. I need to be here for Danny. Whatever's fucking with him is fucking with me too.
"Hey, you guys go on ahead, okay? I'll be inside in a second, I gotta… make a phone call," I say when they notice me lagging behind. I give my best attempt at a smile and nod to make it more convincing. "Seriously, I'll be inside soon."
Alex shares a look with Kendra but they agree and when they're inside the house, I call Danny. He picks up on the second ring and I wonder if he was waiting for this. If he was hoping that I'd get the hint and call him before he had to call me.
"What's going on?" I ask softly, trying to make it conversational instead of confrontational. I don't want to push him.
Danny sighs heavily and it sounds like the weight of the world is sitting on his chest as he breathes in and I know that feeling. I've cursed the moon and blinked in the too early sunlight to that feeling so many times. It was a constant companion of mine two summers back and I get that simple sigh more than he probably knows.
"My dad's back," he says.
I breathe out, tugging my jacket tighter around me. "Are they fighting already?"
I don't know if his parents are anything like mine but when dad would take off after a fight, the second that he came through the door, they were at it again. It's like neither one of them could stand to give each other a second to breathe before they were trying to scratch each other's throats out with their harsh words and dad's angry blows.
"No. Mom's giving him the silent treatment," he says with a soft sigh and when he speaks again, his voice is quiet, almost choking on the words. "I hate it when they do this. It's like neither one of them want to act like a grown-up. I handled the fallout with Blake better than my parents are handling their fucking marriage."
I hate the hitch I can hear in his breath. I hate that this is tearing at him so damn much and I wish there was something I could do about it. I wish I could fix this for him. I wish I was with him right now, holding his hand and placing kisses all over him just to make him forget.
"Parents suck," I respond, not having the words to say everything that I feel. Most of it doesn't matter now anyway. This is his pain and I'd only serve as a distraction.
Danny sighs heavily again and silence easily falls between the two of us. I don't feel the unspoken pressure to be the first one to talk so I wait him out. Listening to his every hitch in breathing and almost completely crumbling whenever he sniffles.
"They're both so stupid," he whispers and I'm immediately agreeing, letting him say whatever he needs just to feel better. Cause this shit is hard.
It's not always broken bones and hospital visits. Sometimes it's just a stupid fight between your parents. Sometimes it's watching someone turn away when you kiss someone they don't approve of. Sometimes it's someone asking you to move in with them – simultaneously asking you to leave behind everything you used to know.
We all have things that break us. It's not always the big, dramatic movie screen pain. Little stuff hurts too. We're only human.
I let Danny talk for as long as he needs to, watching the sun dip lower in the sky, and it's only when Alex comes to get me for dinner that I tell him goodbye.
I don't want to leave him now but I promise to call again later. And when he says goodbye, his voice is stronger than when this call started. I can hope that I've done something to help. That I've somehow lifted his burden from off his chest and made breathing just a little easier for a while.
Sometimes that's all you can do. It's like throwing a life-preserver to someone that's drowning. I've cast mine out for him now – it's up to him to grab a hold and let me pull him to the shore.
Dinner's just between the three of us. I don't know where Anastasia or Tatiana are right now but Alex shrugs it off and says his mom's at work by now. He texts Anastasia to find out if she's coming by for dinner but she doesn't respond. So the three of us sit down to eat.
Alex and Kendra have made a stir-fry dish for dinner. It reminds me of the night I spent at Danny's place, cooking him dinner and making him laugh, and it gives me a small taste of what life is gonna be like when I move in with these two. Even though it still scares me, I want this. It's terrifying but I think it's going to be worth it.
"So… you might not like this," Alex says, drawing my stare up from my plate to look at him. He lets out a soft breath and drops his gaze from mine for a split second before he looks up again with a nod. "I think we should go to your place next week. Get some of your stuff packed up before we move."
I don't know if there's anything there that I care about. My x-box is just a distraction and I can buy more clothes. My computer's at Alex's place and all my chargers and everything are already there, too. I don't have a reason to go back to my house. And I don't think I want to.
"Most of my stuff is already at the apartment," I respond softly with a shrug, my gaze on my dinner again. I don't feel hungry anymore. The thought of going back to the place I spent so many nights wondering if dad was gonna come after me turns my stomach and I don't know if I can get another bite of food down.
"Yeah but you can get the rest of your clothes and anything else you left behind the first time. I think you forgot your winter coat," Alex says, carrying on the conversation like I'm the only one with a lump in my throat and my breath caught in my chest.
I don't know how to do stuff like this. I don't know how to walk away from someone I used to share a home with. I don't know how to leave him while he's in the hospital. I don't know how to stop caring. Maybe it was different for Alex with his own father, but I can't just switch off the way I feel that easily. Part of me doesn't want to leave dad at all. Part of me just wants to go running home.
"We can get you a new one if you'd rather," Kendra says.
I look up at her at that. And something about her expression tells me that she's picking up on this.
Alex gives her a confused look but she doesn't look his way. She keeps her gaze toward me but not directly on me – like she's giving me a hint of privacy. "New clothes or schoolbooks or whatever you need."
She finally meets my gaze with a gentle smile and I know she understands better than I could have ever put into words. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to see the broken glass from the picture frame that cut me when dad pushed me down the stairs. I don't want to see my unmade bed and remember how tightly Danny had to hold onto me to get me to calm down. I don't want to see any of it and remember the way that panic tastes.
But I don't want to run from it either.
"No, it's… Alex is right. I should get my stuff," I mumble, not looking at Alex even when he turns to me. I don't want to see his expression and realize that he's figured it out now. That he knows why the breath has stuck in my throat and why those few words are all I can speak. I don't want to talk about not wanting this. Like what Alex and Kendra are offering isn't good enough. It is – it fucking is. I'm just scared.
Before the silence has a chance to settle in and turn my heart into stone, there's a rattling at the front door. For a split second, my heart jumps in my chest. Tatiana?
Anastasia calls something in Spanish from the living room. Alex rolls his eyes but it's with a smile. And I can suddenly breathe again.
She keeps rattling on in Spanish before she comes into the dining room and sees the three of us. She looks between us for a second before she crosses the room.
"Fix me a plate, will you?" she asks Alex, plopping down in the chair next to me. She lets out a heavy breath, sliding down in the chair and fixing her gaze on the ceiling. "And bring a beer back with you, I could use it."
Alex only hesitates for a second before gets up from his chair with a small exhale. "Guessing you went to see Hannah, huh? After you asked for my advice and I told you it wasn't a good idea?"
"Oh piss off, Alex. You spent forever pining after Kendra but not doing shit about it," she says with more bite to her tone than I think she intended. I can see it from the way she almost winces after the words have left her mouth.
Alex doesn't say anything, just gives her a simple shrug before he leaves the room. For a few seconds, the room is silent again but Anastasia's rough exhale disturbs.
"Sorry, I didn't mean that in a bad way about you," Anastasia says, her gaze flicking toward Kendra before she looks away again. "He just acts like he's never done anything stupid and we both know that's a lie."
Alex calls back into the room saying that Anastasia needs to shut up because she's done way more shit than he has.
Kendra glances where Alex has disappeared before she looks back at Anastasia with a smile. "I think you could one up him. Especially lately. He's really… getting things together."
Anastasia snorts, slumping down further in her chair before crossing her arms over her chest. "That's just what he's showing you," she mutters but won't look at either of us again.
Alex comes back into the dining room, setting down a plate of food with a fork balanced on the edge, along with a beer in front of Anastasia. "You shouldn't talk shit about the person making you dinner," he says, a teasing hint to the smile he gives her.
She sticks her tongue out in response before leaning forward to snag her beer. "What'd you guys do all day? Sat around doing gross happy couple things?" she asks, not waiting on their answer before she's talking again. "Dash, I'm sorry for what they've put you through. They can get so grossly romantic sometimes."
"Actually…" Alex says before I have the chance to speak. I look toward him and he slowly lifts his stare to Kendra before shifting it over to Anastasia. "Kendra and I took Dash out to see some of the places we've been looking at."
Anastasia looks up at that, her eyebrows slowly rising on her forehead. She glances between me and Alex a couple times before she exhales out, a grin splitting her expression. "So you said yes then?" she asks, directing the question at me with a small laugh. "You're actually gonna move in with my knucklehead of a brother?"
I still don't know if I've made the right choice. If leaving dad is what's best right now. He's in the hospital. And I want to make things work so desperately, I'll take any scrap of affection he throws my way. But I'm so terrified of going back to that empty house and slipping back into the way things used to be. I don't know if I've made the right choice but either way, I've made one.
"Yeah, I am," I practically whisper, swallowing hard before the smile picks at my own expression. "And if you're lucky, you won't have to do any of the heavy lifting when we pack my stuff."
"Oh, Anastasia's helping with all of this," Alex cuts in, grinning when Anastasia turns to look at him. "What? You didn't seriously think you were getting out of this without helping, did you? Uncle Tony and I did all the work when you moved into your apartment cause you were conveniently busy at the same time."
Anastasia puts a hand over her heart in mock hurt. "I can't believe you're accusing me of this."
He rolls his eyes but they're both grinning and it makes breathing easier. It reminds me that there's more to this situation than just me. I'm moving in with Alex and Kendra but they're moving out of that apartment too. When we pack up our stuff and unpack it in the new place, it won't be just my stuff. It'll be ours. It feels like being part of a family again. And for the first time in a really long time, I feel like I could be.
Danny texts me that night. I've just crawled in bed next to Alex when my phone lights up on the mattress. Alex is lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling and I dial the brightness on my phone screen down before I read Danny's text.
From: Danny
My parents are going out tomorrow for the afternoon. Apparently something with work that needs to be handled immediately, I don't know
Do you want to come over for a couple of hours?
To: Danny
Hell yeah, I do
You doing okay?
From: Danny
Please don't ask me that
I don't know what to say
This situation sucks but it's the same every year. And it's not even like it's that bad. So what if they fight like crazy and I have to put up with it
You're literally moving out of your house to get away from your dad
I have it easy
He's starting to sound like me. Like the shit he's going through doesn't matter just cause I'm going through something too. But it does matter. All of this matters. My pain, his pain, our friends pain – it's all important. It hurts in different ways but it still hurts. It leaves some of us aching and some of us just short of breath.
But comparing our problems by how many breaths we can take in without breaking isn't fair.
To: Danny
You know I don't see it that way
From: Danny
I do
Look at where you are
What you've been through
How the fuck have you listened to me talk all this shit about my two, loving parents that you don't have?
I'm an idiot for making this into such a big deal
I want to call him. I want to get out of bed and call him so he can hear my voice when I tell him all the ways he's wrong. How he's been so badly hurt by all the things he's put up with that it's beaten him down to this point. The one where he thinks his pain doesn't matter anymore in light of someone else's.
I've been there before. Fuck, I'm still there most of the time. And I want to call him so he knows how much I fucking care. But I'm scared of pushing him like I've always done in the past.
To: Danny
You're not an idiot, you're just in pain
You're allowed to be in pain, Danny
Even though I've got my shit to deal with, it's okay to talk about yours
I want to hear about what you're going through
From: Danny
It's just my parents. It's not like it's even that bad most of the time. It's nothing compared to what you're dealing with right now and I'm sorry I called you last night
I shouldn't put this kind of shit on you in the middle of everything you're going through
I get out of bed then, telling Alex I'll be back in a couple minutes. He doesn't question it and I leave the room without looking back. I call Danny on my way down the stairs and though it takes twice to get him to answer, he finally picks up and I don't waste precious seconds on a stupid hello.
"Stop comparing our situations," I tell him, running my hand through my hair and letting out a rough breath. "You're in pain. And you're allowed to feel that pain."
He groans softly and mutters something unintelligible but it's punctuated with a sniffle and my heart lurches in my chest. He's crying again. Over them.
His parents always seem to push him to his breaking point. I hate it. He's got enough shit to deal with already without adding his parents stupid fighting on top of it all.
"I'm glad you called me last night. Danny, I want to be here for you when stuff like this is going on," I confess, swallowing hard before I let out a quiet breath. "Look, you've been here for me when shit's gotten bad. You've sat up with me at the outlook and brought me coffee in the morning to make me feel better and I… I want to do the same for you. I want to help you through this kind of stuff even if it's ugly. Even if I've got my own shit to deal with."
Danny sighs heavily and I picture him lying in bed, the covers drawn up to his chin and one hand clenched around his phone as he desperately fights back against the tears brimming in his eyes. I hate the scenario. I hate that I know it's probably close to reality. I hate that I'm not there with him now and I hate that he's so damn upset over them.
"I'm sorry that they're doing this to you," I all but whisper, sinking down onto the bottom stair. I don't know how to help him like this. I don't know what he needs to hear but I don't want to say empty words just to fill the silence.
He's quiet for a few long seconds and even though I don't know how to break the silence, he doesn't need me to. He speaks before I try to force myself to come up with something and I'm relieved that his voice sounds steady despite the obvious emotion in his tone.
"You'll come by tomorrow then? Hang out with me for a few hours?" he asks, not giving me a chance to respond before he lets out a breath, saying the rest all in a rush. "I've missed you. I know it's literally only been a couple of hours but I miss you. I hope that's not… I hope that's okay."
It's more than okay. Fuck, it's way more than okay. He misses me. We saw each other this morning and he fucking misses me. Is this how it's supposed to be? I never felt this way with Paulina. I've never felt this way with anyone before. Is this how I was supposed to feel?
"I've missed you too," I confess, thankful that no one's around to see the flush staining my cheeks. "And yes, I'll come by tomorrow. I'll bring coffee and my charming wit and I'm prepared to kick your ass at Cards Against Humanity."
He laughs softly, letting out a quiet breath. "Okay first, you can't really kick someone's ass at that game. And second, we need at least three people to play and I don't think my sister's gonna be hanging around tomorrow."
"Fine then I'll bring a copy of Mario Kart over and you'll lose at that too," I insist, grinning when he laughs again. "I'll come by in the afternoon. What like, three or four?"
"Can you come by any earlier?" he asks softly, a hint of guilt in his tone. "I'm sorry, I know you're probably busy. It's just… my parents are leaving around noon so… wh-whatever time after that is good with me. Whenever you want to come by is fine."
"Twelve-thirty it is," I tell him, listening to his almost relieved sigh before I continue. "You want me to stick around for dinner or leave when they get back?"
He lets out a quiet noise. "I don't know. I'll let you know when we get there."
I agree and we settle into casual conversation until he starts to yawn. I tell him to sleep and even though he protests at first, when I tell him goodnight, he whispers it back. I end the call and watch it disappear from my screen before I climb the stairs again.
Alex is looking through his phone when I come back into the room but he looks up when I shut the door behind me. The light's off but I can see his expression illuminated from his phone and he watches me in silence for a few seconds before I cross over to the bed.
"Everything okay?"
I nod as I crawl in beside him but I'm not sure how well he can see me in the darkness. So as soon as I'm settled next to him, I let out a quiet breath and speak instead.
"Yeah, that was Danny." I shift on the mattress a little before I look up at him. "He wants me to come by tomorrow… can you give me a ride over there?"
Alex nods before he looks back at his phone. He fiddles with it for a few seconds before the screen goes dark and he sets it on the bedside table. "Yeah, that's fine. I need to stop by the apartment anyway. Pick up the mail and stuff. Then I'll probably head back here to do some laundry," he says. "I'll wash a load of your stuff with mine and Kendra's while you're gone. So leave whatever you want to be washed out so I know to throw it in."
I give him a nod and when he shifts on the mattress, I find my voice again. "Are we… going back to the apartment soon?"
He hesitates a second before he shrugs. "If you want to. Kendra and I had been talking about staying here while we figure the house situation out. But if you want to go back to the apartment, we can." He's quiet for a split second but he asks it and I know I can't lie. "Is this about my mom?"
I shrug even though he knows the truth. We both do. Of course it's about his mom. She doesn't want to see me with Danny and I can't not see Danny. I don't know how I'm supposed to be somebody that I'm not. I've spent so fucking long trying to convince myself that this is okay. That liking guys is okay. I don't know if I have the energy to convince someone else too.
"It's not you," Alex says softly and even though I lift my stare, I can't see him in the darkness. He's just a voice right now and maybe it's better that way. Maybe if I don't see his face as he tells me that I'm okay – that I don't have to hide this – then I'll believe it. If I don't see the sympathy in his eyes maybe everything he's saying will finally sink in. Maybe I'll finally believe someone when they say it's not my fault. Maybe it's never been.
A/N:
YOOOO! Long time no see. I haven't posted an update to this story since last year!
Look… I know I made that joke before but it holds up. Also for as long as this story runs, I'll make that same lame joke. Deal with it ;P
So… first things first. I'm sure some of you have noticed but I'll just say it cause I believe in transparency. The timeline is totally fucked up. Technically, from the way I've written things up 'til now, the day that Kwan and Dash go out together should be the 30th but for my sake, it's not. So if you could all pretend with me that it's actually the 28th that'd be great
ANYWAY. I'd love to know what you think of this chapter. It was quite the beast to edit. But yes. Please tell me what you think of the boys. They're fucking adorable when they're all lovey-dovey with each other. It's kinda killing me slowly lol
What do you think of what happened at the mall? I'd love to know your thoughts about both of their reactions. Because they're in such different situations, I couldn't see Kwan reacting the same way that Dash did. I'd love to know your take on it though
Speaking of your thoughts, how'd you like Danny calling him so late and the two cuddling throughout the night? Gotta be honest, I was dying writing that. These boys… so pure. Such love. Much angst
Basically, anything you'd like to let me know about this chapter, please do. I love reading what you all think of different parts of these updates
The title of this chapter comes from (Un)Lost by The Maine. It's SUCH a Dash song, I die. Especially for where he's at right now in life. Speaking of much angst lmao. But yeah, it's a great song. If you haven't heard it, give it a listen and think of this precious quarterback
So, it's officially been 3 years since I posted the first chapter of this fic. Three whole years, can you believe it? I know no ordinary fic should run that long but… I love what I'm doing and I'm glad you guys do too.
In honor of the anniversary, I've got quite an announcement to make now. I've been working with a good friend of mine ( astroplasmius hit them up on tumblr, they the shit) to create a place where all the information surrounding this story can live. Somewhere that could have details on chapters (titles, summaries, character appearances etc.) and together, we created a Wiki for it.
I suppose it's a bit corny to create one when this is just a fanfiction but… it's been so fun. There's character profiles with information about the character including their personality, likes and dislikes, relationships, age, sexuality, and best of all – profile pictures. I've taken the time to find photos that look like these characters in my head and I can't wait for you to see what they look like.
Wiki's are editable by anyone so if you want to fill out a summary for a chapter or add details to a character's profile, feel free! Just try to make sure it's accurate – if anything's out of place, my lovely admin friend Astro and I can put in the right place for you ;)
The whole thing is still very much a work in progress but I'd love for you all to check it out. I'll leave a link on my tumblr post about this chapter going live so if you've gotten this far in the A/N, make sure to go to my tumblr to get the link.
I'll include a link in the sidebar of my tumblr so you can see it even if the post gets buried (sorry, I can't figure out how to add links to my fanfiction or AO3 bio's)
A huge thanks is in order. It's because of all you lovely readers that this Wiki is even a thing. I wouldn't be building this if you weren't invested in this story. The dedication you've all shown this story and me is so inspiring. So thank you so much for giving this story a chance and for sticking with it all these years. I'm gonna be sad to see this go when I write the final chapter!
And speaking of chapters – in the next update, you can look forward to some Alex angst brewing in the background, cuddles with the boys, a surprise trip to the hospital, and all the angst you can stand (like an all you can eat buffet but with angst… I'll see myself out)
See you all next update!
