I wake up early and even though I want to sleep more, I get out of bed, doing my best not to wake Alex.
No one else is awake when I go downstairs. I move quietly through the kitchen as I put on a pot of coffee and sit by the back door, scrolling through old text messages on my phone.
It's weird re-reading texts I sent. Almost feels like someone else sent them. Like I was entirely different person when I was having these conversations.
When the coffee's done brewing, I make myself a cup and slip out the back door. It's snowed again last night, delivering a fresh blanket all across town, and I can see my breath in the air.
I stay out for as long as I can manage until the shivers are making my teeth chatter and not even the coffee is warming me up. So, I go inside again, welcoming the warmth, and close the back door behind me.
It feels like it's been forever since I've had a chance to enjoy the snow like this. In the past, it was always a pain to drive in, or I was too bruised to really appreciate it. This is nice. I feel like a kid again, gazing out at the fresh foot of snow in a weird state of wonderment.
The house is quiet around me for another half-an-hour or so before people start stirring. Anastasia makes an appearance first but I don't get more than a sleepy peace sign from her before she's heading up the stairs again, towel in hand.
Alex is the second one up and I can see the exhaustion in his features before he even speaks.
There's something off in his movements. Like more than the exhaustion is picking at him.
He sits next to me at the table and stretches his folded arms across the table. He rests his forehead against his arms, letting out a heavy breath in the silence. I'm almost scared to ask what's wrong.
"Is everything okay?" I ask anyway. Because it's Alex. It doesn't matter how scared I am.
Alex nods and he turns toward me, resting his cheek against his arms instead. He gives me what looks like a tired smile and I might be reading too much into it but… it feels like more. Like something's picking at him and he doesn't know how to get it to stop. Like he's just barely holding himself together.
I drop my gaze from him, running my index finger around the rim of my mug. I swallow hard before I speak. "Is something going on?"
He sighs heavily and pushes away from the table. He gets up from his chair with a shrug. "It's nothing."
I watch him leave the dining room with my heart in my throat and stomach flipping over itself. I can barely breathe in the silence he's left me in, but I'm not left in it for long.
Alex comes back only a few minutes later, his own mug of coffee in his hands. He collapses back into his chair and sets his mug down.
"There's a lot you still don't know about me," he mumbles. He taps his index finger against his mug a couple times. "I'm fine, I just… I get a little messed up sometimes. And I don't want you to think it's you because it's not. I just… I don't want to tell you anything about this shit."
I swallow hard, nodding in silence before he lets out another quiet breath and mumbles the truth. "I don't want to add to your problems."
"You wouldn't," I practically whisper, my heart in my throat as I meet his gaze. I shake my head when he starts to speak and he easily falls silent. "It's okay to talk to me. You've… always been there for me. I just want to help you, too."
He stares at his coffee cup in silence for a long time. It settles thickly around the two of us. I don't know if it's as hard to breathe for him as it is for me but I'm suffocating by the time he finally parts his lips.
"I can't," is all he says before lifting the mug to his lips and draining several swallows.
I don't know what to do. Danny doesn't want to let me help him, Alex doesn't either and… all I want to do is help. I can't watch the people I care about the most in this whole fucked up world going through their own shit and not do anything to help. That's not who I am.
"I'm not gonna… I'll support you with whatever," I mumble, dragging in a breath when he sighs again. "I can't do nothing about this. You… you're hurting and I-I… it hurts watching you hurt."
Alex drops his head into the palm of his hand, keeping the other clenched around his coffee mug.
"Damn it, Dash," he whispers, squeezing his eyes closed. He drops the two of us into silence again and I can't stay in it.
"It's okay. Whatever's going on – whatever's picking at you – it's okay, you know. I'm here. Like you've always been for me."
I hate the way my words pick at him. They shrink him down and he seems to almost disappear inside himself before he comes out again with another sigh.
He won't look at me and I've got nothing left to say. I want to help. I desperately want to help him. But that's all I can do. He can offer me a place to stay and be there when I wake from nightmares but… this is all I have. All I can offer is my words and I fucking suck with them.
"Thank you. I appreciate it," he says quietly and I know that I've done nothing for him.
My words are shit but my intentions are there. I mean what I've said. I want to help him. I want to help him so fucking badly but what use does he have of me and my words? I can barely keep myself together, I can't imagine what he thinks of me when I offer up support.
He drains a few sips more from his coffee before he pushes the mug away from him a little. "What time did Danny tell you to come by?" he asks, not looking up from the table.
I swallow hard, watching him in this weird state of limbo. If I push too hard, he'll pull away from me. But if I don't push at all, he'll never let me help him. I don't know what to do. I don't know what the fuck to do.
"Sometime after noon. He doesn't care when."
Alex nods. He still won't look at me and I hate myself for the lump I can feel in my throat. Why do I do this? Why do I always make this shit about me and the way that I feel?
I clear my throat roughly, downing a few swallows of lukewarm coffee in an attempt to drown this feeling. He's hurting and I'm making it about me. Cause that's all I fucking know how to do. I'm sorry, Alex. All of your kindness has made me selfish.
"I think Anastasia is out of the shower so… I'll take one and we can start getting ready to get out of here," he says quietly, getting up from his chair without another word. He leaves the room slowly, almost hesitating when he gets to the exit, before he just leaves. And I hate myself for the hot flush of tears I can feel pricking the corners of my eyes.
This isn't about me. This isn't fucking about me.
Alex is hurting. Danny's parents are fighting. Kwan's dad moved out. And there's nothing I can do about it. I can't help anyone and I fucking hate it. Everyone around me is struggling with their own shit and none of them will let me help.
I think it's because of me. Because of what I've been through. They all feel bad because my own father's hands put me in the hospital. No one wants to put anything else on me.
But fuck that.
My shit might be suffocating but I'm not the only one going through something. Danny's pain and mine and Alex's, Kwan's and Keith's – it's all the same. It's all real and earth-shattering and heart-stopping. It's hard. It's painful.
If I'm allowed to hurt – everyone else around me is too. I wish they could see that. And I really wish they'd just fucking let me help.
Alex is ready to go within the hour and it feels like he's itching to get out of here. It's just past ten but I don't want to tell Alex that we need to wait a little longer. It's almost like he can't breathe inside these walls so I leave with him, only stopping to grab the jacket I bought for Danny.
He's got the engine running and the heat on when I step outside. I feel like I'm steeling myself before I pull the door shut behind me and start for the car. Which is fucking ridiculous because it's Alex. I don't have to hold myself together around him or put on a brave face. He gets when things are shit and I never have to pretend. But I feel like I have to for his sake.
I trudge through the snow on the driveway and get in the car with him, sinking into the passenger seat. He keeps his gaze on the steering wheel while I get settled before he lets out a heavy breath and looks at me.
For a few seconds, he leaves us in silence. But he finds his strength before I find mine and speaks first. "You want to get breakfast with me?"
I swallow hard and nod, knowing that's all I can do. I don't have the words in me to speak comfort and he doesn't seem to want them anyway. So I let us fall in silence and he pulls out of the driveway, heading out of the neighborhood slowly.
He takes us to McDonalds – the only decent place in this town to get breakfast without driving downtown. I don't mind the food and even if I did, I wouldn't complain. I don't want to put anything on him today.
Alex gets out of the car as soon as he pulls into a parking space and cuts the engine. I'm a little slower and in the time it takes me to get out, he's stopped to lean against the hood of his car. I come to join him, and he tilts his head back to stare up at the sky.
I keep my gaze on the ground wishing I had the kind of words in my soul that could heal. The ones that would ease his aching wounds and tell him that he's not alone. But he doesn't need me and my pathetic attempts to console him.
"I'm meeting up with Chuck for lunch," he says in one breath, dragging one in immediately as he turns to look at me. "We used to have lunch together once a week for years. And this is the first time in… a long time."
He breathes out, shaking his head as he runs a hand through his hair. He shifts his gaze to the sky again. "I don't know what we're both expecting from today but… I don't want it to go badly." He swallows hard, nodding once before he looks at me again. "I've been so damn scared about this day but… I think I want it more than I'm scared of it."
All those times I've compared myself to Alex and fallen short pick at me in this moment. He's just like me. He's scared of what he wants – almost to the point where he wants to call it off. I know that feeling. I live that feeling every goddamn day. We're alike. We're just alike.
"I think you should give it a shot," I practically whisper, swallowing hard when he nods. "It might be hard at first but… you might find out that it's worth it."
He sighs again, nodding as he shifts his gaze to the pavement. "He is worth it. We've been there for each other through so much shit and… it's time we're there for each other again. It's been way too long with this back and forth."
I want to tell him that I understand. That I get the pounding of his heart and the nerves racing inside his veins. I get it. I get all of it. And it sucks and it's hard but… there's nothing to do about it. He's just gotta do it.
"What… happened between you guys?" I ask hesitantly, knowing that my every word could be too much. Anything I say could hurt him and I don't want to. I don't want to be the person that reminds him of all the bad shit but it's scratching at me. I've known Chuck since I was a kid.
What could he have done that was this bad?
Alex won't look at me in the silence that follows my question. He keeps his gaze fixed away and offers nothing more than a simple shrug. We're both rooted in that silence and I can't find a way to break it without breaking us.
I want to help him but maybe this is helping him. Maybe telling me what he can is enough. I want to do more than just listen but… I don't want to push too hard and watch him retreat again.
"Come on, I'm starving," he says suddenly, pushing away from his car and nodding to the front of McDonalds. "I don't know about you but I'm ready for another coffee already."
He gives me a tired smile and I wonder how many days he's spent stressing about this. I wonder how long it's been in plan for him to go to lunch with Chuck today.
I ache to know what happened between the two of them but all I know is that they're trying to fix things between them. And for now, that has to be enough. Because I'll drive myself crazy trying to figure out the truth. And Alex is worth so much more than my demanding questions. I'll wait for him to tell me the truth even if that means I'll be waiting forever.
When we're both finished with breakfast, we start for Danny's place. It's almost noon already and Danny lives pretty much on the other side of town so I'm not worried about showing up early anymore. I still take out my phone and text him anyway.
To: Danny
Headed your way now
Got your gift with me, you're going to love it
From: Danny
Thank god, my parents just left. They've been so stupid this morning!
Don't ask, I'll tell you about it when you get here
And how do you know I'll like it? You don't know me at all ;p
To: Danny
Trust me. I know you better than you think
From: Danny
Whaaaatever
I smile down at my screen, reading over our brief text exchange before I pocket my phone again. Alex keeps his gaze on the road but he fiddles with the radio, switching from station to station and I recognize the fidgeting in him. It's the same thing that happens in me when I'm nervous – when I'm not sure how something is gonna go but I know I have to go through with it. It's in Alex right now and I don't know if there's anything I can do to help him. But that won't stop me from trying.
"There's a really great station I heard the other day," I say, gently nudging Alex's hand out of the way and fixing the radio on a station that plays old rock songs. When Don't Stop Believin' starts playing, I turn the volume dial a few notches higher and start my sweet impression of an air guitar.
It doesn't get more than a small smile out of Alex at first but I keep it up, throwing in my bad impressions of Steve Perry, and it gets him laughing. And by the time he pulls the car to a stop at the last red light before Danny's place, he's singing along too, strumming his own air guitar as we wait on the light.
The song winds down and Alex is laughing but he turns the station off, easing the car forward in the line. "Okay, I'll admit. That's a decent station."
I grin at him, sliding my phone from my pocket to text Danny again. I let him know that we're turning onto his street and glance up at Alex again. "Thanks for giving me a ride. I know it's pretty far out."
Alex shrugs like it's not a big deal but it is to me. Neither one of my parents would have driven me out this far if they didn't have to. It's one of the reasons I was so desperate to start driving. It was always about more than four wheels and a running engine. Owning my own car meant freedom.
"Seriously, thanks," I repeat, swallowing hard when he shifts his gaze to mine. I lift one shoulder in a small shrug. "I know you have other things to do today."
He lets out a breath, nodding once before he focuses his gaze on the road again. "Anytime you want to go somewhere, just let me know and I'll take you there. I know it might… be a while before you can drive again."
"What do you mean?" I ask, frowning when he lifts his gaze to mine. "Cause I'm on the painkillers? It's not like I'll be on them for a long time. I'll probably only be on them for a couple more days but… I'll be good to drive again after that."
Alex hesitates before glancing at me but he looks away quickly, making the turn onto Danny's street before he speaks again. "Are you still in pain?"
The bruises on my face have faded a little but I know I still look pretty fucked up. And even though I've been applying the burn cream to my back most nights, it's still bad too. I don't know if pain is the right word to describe the feeling now. It's been over a week. I'm usually okay by now. I don't know… maybe I've just gotten used to the way bruises feel.
Danny's place comes into view at the end of the street and I swallow hard, pointing toward it. "That's his place at the end."
I don't hold Alex's stare for longer than a few seconds when he looks my way but I think it's enough for him to see the truth. Yeah, I'm still in pain. Dad did his worst, of course I'm still in pain.
Alex doesn't say another word until he comes to a stop at the edge of Danny's driveway. He cuts the engine off and shifts his stare from the steering wheel over to me instead. "If you're still in pain, you don't need to stop taking the medicine so soon. You've only been on them a few days… give yourself some time to heal."
I don't know if I know how to do that. I don't know if I know what time to heal even is. There's always something for me to jump into – football tryouts, practices, games, working at the garage… maybe that's how I've done this for so long. Maybe that's how I haven't lost my mind every time dad's done a number on me. There's always something to do and it keeps me from sitting around feeling fucking miserable.
"I'm fine," I respond without looking at him.
I don't know how to have conversations like this. Other than Kwan, no one's ever really followed up on the shit Dad's done to me. Why would they? I heal every time, it's not like it matters.
He sighs and I feel the apology on the tip of my tongue. I know I make things harder on everyone around me – especially when it comes to this shit. I don't know how to accept help or maybe I just don't want it or something. I'm held back every time and I don't know how to stop.
I find some makeshift courage sitting in the bottom of my gut and I draw on it long enough to look up at him.
"Have fun with Chuck," I say, managing to give him a small smile. "Send me a text when you're headed over here again?"
He looks away from me with a nod. "Yeah… might be a couple of hours though. I need to stop by the apartment and get a few things," he says, letting out a breath before he looks back at me with a smile. "Kendra found a couple more houses she wants us to check out next week. Not too far from the apartment either which'll make the actual move easier."
I nod, dropping my gaze to my lap. Something stirs in the back of my mind about the first week of the new year and I wonder if Alex has forgotten. So much has happened since that day I called him in the school hallway, asking him to go with me. When he said he was proud of me.
"You… still up for visiting that school with me?" I ask, stealing a glance up to catch the look on his face. There's a split second of confusion in his expression before he remembers, giving me a nod.
"Yeah, of course. When is that again?" he asks, pulling his phone from his pocket with a frown in his expression. "The fourth or something, right?"
I nod when he looks up at me again and there's a sudden rush of anxiety in my veins. I want this to go well. I want to impress this school. I want them to meet me and think that they have to have me on their team. I want them to likeme.
"Flight leaves on the fourth," I mumble, letting out a breath that's far too nervous for such a simple conversation. Alex picks up on it but I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to fuck things up before I spend time with Danny. "So… you'll call or text me when you're headed this way?"
Alex nods without another word and even though I've got one hand closed around the door handle, the other holding onto Danny's gift, I don't get out of the car. Something doesn't feel right about leaving this way and I realize what it is as soon as I look back at Alex.
He gives me a hesitant smile and without even hearing the words, I know he wants to hug me. And I want to hug him too. So I drop my hold on the door handle and I lean across the seats toward him. He fits me against his chest and holds me tightly – like that's all I need to fix my broken parts.
I pretend his touch is enough while I stitch myself back together and it works. It's enough for now. I can last this way long enough to forget everything and dive headfirst into this thing with Danny. For now, I'll be okay.
I'm nervous going up to Danny's place. I know he's expecting me and I know that this isn't that big of a deal but… I'm nervous. Maybe it's the gift I've brought. I suddenly question whether he'll actually like this jacket. I consider ditching the bag somewhere outside to save some face but he comes to the door before I can make a decision.
"Hey," he greets me as soon as he opens the door and I glance over my shoulder at where Alex is still parked at the edge of the driveway. I can see him wave through the driver's window and I let out a breath, glancing back to Danny.
He looks past me and waves to Alex, a smile on his face with the gesture, before he practically drags me into the house. His mouth covers mine before the door's even shut behind us and I'm caught off-guard a little.
"God, you smell good," are the first intelligible words out of his mouth after he pulls away from me. He's got his hands curled around the back of my shirt, his face buried in my neck and he breathes in deep.
I'm trying to steady the both of us but he nearly knocks me off balance and I end up with my back against the nearest wall. I can't complain though… it feels so fucking good to finally have him kissing me.
"Missed me?" I ask, out of breath but completely fucking wild for him.
He runs his fingers through my hair, his fingernails scraping along my scalp and I can't breathe at his touch. I'm still a little tender from where that glass broke on my head but Danny's worth that pain.
He nods as he pulls away from me and the smile he's wearing knocks the breath out of me too. He's beautiful. Goddammit, he's beautiful. And he's gonna be the fucking end of me but I don't think I'll care. He's worth it. He's worth all of it.
"I got you something," I breathe with what little oxygen I have left.
Danny pulls away from me further, a certain glint in his eyes that has no right to make me shiver. He sweeps his gaze down my body and back up again, a wicked grin lighting up his features.
"Is it you? Cause that's a pretty great gift, Baxter… I graciously accept," he says, grinning at the flush I can feel coloring my face.
"Shut up. No… it's an actual something," I respond, lifting the bag in my hand a little higher.
Danny steps back from me, giving me room to breathe again and part of me hates it. I never thought I'd hate distance so much but I guess it's necessary for now. If we're standing too close together, I won't be able to keep my hands or mouth off of him. And vice-versa, apparently.
"Here," I mumble, passing the bag over to him. He takes it with a quiet breath and steals a glance at me before he reaches down into the bag and pulls the jacket out.
I watch him in silence, feeling my heart in my throat the whole time. It reminded me of you. I had to hear people's bigotry because of it. But it was worth it – it's all worth it for you.
He looks up at me with a huge grin, his face slightly flushed. "Are you kidding me? This is amazing!" he exclaims, dropping the bag on the ground to hold the jacket with both hands. "This is… I love it, oh my god."
I duck my head, unable to stop myself from grinning. I did something right with him – he likes what I got for him. I fucked up on his birthday and I didn't have anything for him when he came to see me a few days ago but… this was a good idea. This makes up for it at least a little.
"I thought of you as soon as I saw it and I knew I had to get it for you," I confess, stealing a look up at him. He's completely enamored with the jacket but he lifts his stare to mine, offering up a small smile that has no right to stir up those butterflies in my gut.
He steps closer to me and nods behind me. "Come into the living room with me," he says, sliding his hand into mine and tugging gently until I'm following after him.
He leads me into the living room and all but pushes me onto the couch. He drops the jacket in the armchair on the other side of the room before crawling onto my lap.
Danny's mouth is on mine in an instant and I slide my hands onto his back, holding him in place. He pulls away from me and rests his forehead against mine. There's a few seconds where neither one of us make a move but in the end, he's the one to pull away.
"You want to watch something?" he asks, pressing another gentle kiss to my lips that I chase after. I'm rewarded with another kiss along with his breathy laugh against my lips as he gives in. God, this feels so fucking good.
He distances himself again and covers my mouth with the palm of his hand when I try to chase after him again. "Did you just come over here to make out with me all day?" he teases.
"Basically, yeah," I say with as much cheek as I can.
He rolls his eyes, sliding off of my lap.
Danny crosses the living room over to the TV stand and flips through a couple of movies before he glances over his shoulder. "You want to just pick something on Netflix?" he asks, exhaling out when I shrug. He gets the remote and crosses over to me again, collapsing on the cushion next to me.
He turns the television on and navigates to the Netflix app, waiting while it loads up the users. It takes me a long fucking time but I manage to unstick my arm from my side and silently invite him closer. He immediately takes the offer and ends up with his head on my shoulder, his side squished up against mine.
It's dopey. It's way too fucking romantic for the two of us to be doing already. But when he drags a blanket over us, I relax into this impromptu cuddling.
Danny settles on a comedy show that I know nothing about but he insists it's great. And as I watch the stupid jokes and sexual humor in the episodes, I care less about what I'm watching and more about the boy I'm snuggled up next to. I've wanted this for so long. I've longed to be at Danny's side doing stupid, couple things for so fucking long and I have it now.
I get to be one of those couples Kwan and I used to roll our eyes at. We get to be stupid together and dopey and so fucking romantic that we drive our friends insane. I get to have that now. I get to have that with Danny.
When we've binged through almost the entire first season together, Danny decides it's time for lunch. We debate for a bit about going out to pick up something to eat but in the end, we settle on making something simple.
Danny helps gather the ingredients for pancakes and even though I let him stir everything together, I refuse to let him ruin them so he's banned from going anywhere near the stove. He pouts when I take over and I can't deny how fucking cute he looks doing it.
"Can I at least put whip cream on my own pancakes – or are you going to insist on doing that too?" he asks, hopping up on the counter next to the stove. He swirls the spoon in the pancake batter and I refuse to look at him cause I know he'll just distract me.
I concentrate on flipping the pancake before I respond. "You can put whatever you want on them once they're off the stove. You can't ruin them too badly after that," I joke, finally stealing a glance at him.
Danny's stolen the spoon from the pancake batter and he's delicately sweeping a chocolate chip off the back of the spoon with his tongue. He lets it fall into his mouth before he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip and he might as well end me.
"Th-There's raw egg in there," I spit at him, shrewdly aware of how loud I'm talking and how red my face is. I immediately look away from him but he laughs and the sound carries through the kitchen. I duck my head, returning my attention to the pancake.
He gets off the counter and comes up behind me, sliding his arms around my stomach. He rests his cheek against my shoulder blade and exhales.
"Thanks for coming over today," he mumbles softly.
I don't think it was ever a question for me. The second he asked me, I knew I'd drop everything to be with him.
I lean back into his touch for a moment before I have to pull away a little to transfer the pancake to a plate.
He slides his arms from around me and comes back to the counter, choosing to lean against it this time. He doesn't look at me as I add more batter to the pan but he starts to talk and I don't think I should interrupt him.
"I mean it. I've been… going crazy here for the past couple of days," he says. "Jazz left this morning. Even though classes don't start again for a few more days. Everything's just been… so much worse lately."
Danny finally looks up at me again with another exhale, shrugging one shoulder. "I don't know what I'm trying to say. Just… thanks."
I don't know how to tell him that he wouldn't even have to ask me. I'm here for him. I'll be here for him no matter what he needs. I've lied to police and government agents and set a literal fire for him. There's nothing I wouldn't do if he asked.
"Of course," I respond softly, flipping the pancake before I glance at him. I give him my best attempt at a smile and I guess it comes across well cause he returns it. "If you ever need me to come by and save you from your own cooking, you just let me know."
Danny scoffs, rolling his eyes as he pushes away from the counter. "Whatever. I'm going to get the table set. It's apparently the only thing I'm good at." He sticks his tongue out at me, before he moves over to a drawer and pulls out two forks.
I watch him for a few seconds longer before I focus on the food again. I don't know if being around me right now is just going to make him hurt worse later. I feel like I'm falling short somehow. Like there's so much more I should be doing for him.
Danny's setting the table when I look over my shoulder at him and he moves effortlessly around the kitchen. He's completely oblivious to the attention I'm giving him, setting things on the table and rearranging others until he's happy with what he's got.
If this is all I can do, I'll do it the best I can. Because Danny's worth it. And as long as he'll let me, I'll give him everything I can – my time, late-nights, my love… anything he wants, it's his for the taking.
Time with Danny always passes so quickly. When we've both filled ourselves from lunch, we sit around talking for a while. And whenever talk shifts too close to his parents, I pull the conversation back every time. I know he can tell what I'm doing but I think he knows that I don't care.
Today's supposed to be about the both of us forgetting everything for a while. And damn it, I'm holding us to that.
We're lying on the couch together when he breaks that easy feeling between us. He snuggles further against my chest with a small sigh and turns the volume down on the TV. We're watching a football game that I'm only giving half of my attention, but Danny gets all of it now.
"How are you healing?" he asks bluntly, blinking up at me when I stay silent. A shrug isn't good enough for him but it's all I have to offer and he sighs in response, shifting closer to me again. "Do you have any kind of follow-up appointment?"
I don't know why he's thinking about this now. All I'm focused on is how good he feels in my arms and how much lighter my heat has been since I came to his place. But he's bringing this shit up… he's thinking about all of this now? When he's in my arms and everything finally feels good again?
It feels like it's been forever since I've been able to forget the way it hurts to breathe most days cause of the fucking shit I've been through.
"Do we have to talk about this now?" I ask softly and he shrugs.
He pulls away and sits up. "I guess not."
Danny doesn't say anything when he looks away but when he slides off the couch, I feel this distance suddenly between us. It makes the room feel so much colder than it was only moments before.
"You should probably go soon so… call Alex if he's picking you up," he says, his voice pinched and just slightly deeper than it usually is.
I don't understand. Everything was fine a couple of minutes ago. What just happened?
He keeps his distance from me when I get up from the couch and I don't get it. Is this because I don't want to talk about the ugly shit?
"You kicking me out so soon?" I ask, opting for a light-hearted joke to break the ice that's quickly settling. He seems completely okay with letting it freeze the both of us.
He shrugs, letting out a soft breath before he turns around to look at me. "No, it's just… my parents are going to be home in a couple of hours and I need to get the house back in order before they do. So… you should probably head out of here."
I don't get it. He's walking away from me now, leaving the living room and me standing in it behind. I don't get it. I don't get any of this. Is this all because I didn't want to talk about my shit?
"Hang on," I call after him, easily catching up to where he is, only a few paces outside the living room. He turns back to look at me and there's something about the expression on his face that makes me pause. It stops me dead in my tracks and it leaves so much space between us even though it's only a few steps. "What's going on?"
He lets out an irritated sigh, raking his hand through his hair. "Nothing. I just… like I said, my parents will be home soon and I want you out of here before they're back," he says, his expression softening after a few seconds. "It's not you. I just don't want you around their stupid arguing."
"I don't mind," I tell him quietly, knowing somewhere inside myself that I'm making this worse. He wants me gone so I should just go. But it feels like it's more than that.
It feels like it's not just today that he wants me gone.
Danny looks away from me. He lets us fall into silence and I can't do anything to break it this time. I've pushed him too much in the past, I can't do it this time. But if I don't push, I'll never know what I'm up against.
"What is it?" I ask, closing a small bit of the distance between us. It's not enough to ease the way it scratches at me, but I won't give it my attention for more than a few, fleeting moments. "I want to be able to talk about it when things are fucking with you."
He looks back at me now. "Maybe we made a mistake."
Those five words shatter me. The distance between us feels like a chasm now. We're both standing on the edge, threatening to fall to our deaths should we take another step toward one another.
Danny pushes one hand through his hair again, a sigh rattling from deep within his soul. He shrugs but doesn't offer anything else. Nothing to soothe this aching feeling that starts in the pit of my stomach and makes my legs feel like jelly.
"At least we didn't get too far into this. Hurts a little less," he says quietly, finally cracking the silence we've fallen into.
I don't get it. I don't get any of this. Everything was fine – what the hell just happened? How can I be losing him already?
I drag in a breath that's dizzying and when I chance a step forward, I'm met with one backward from him. He hesitates a long time before he looks up at me but the truth is in his eyes. He doesn't want this to happen. I don't want it to either. Then why? Why is he doing this to us?
"Danny… I don't get it. What did I do?" I ask him, my voice ragged and laced with so much fucking emotion, it's hard to swallow. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to see this end before it's even begun.
He groans softly, putting more distance between us, shaking his head as he steps away. "You didn't do anything," he admits. "It's just… this is never going to work. Why are we kidding ourselves into believing that it can?"
My voice sounds so incredibly fucking broken to my own ears but I have to ask it anyway. "Why can't it?"
Danny squeezes his eyes closed for a split second before he's looking at me again, tears brimming in his gaze. "Because." He swallows, a rasping sort of breath leaving him. "You're the quarterback. All eyes are you on and I'm… I'm just some boy your teammate fucked two years ago. This isn't going to work. This was never going to work."
I don't understand. It doesn't matter – none of that shit matters to me. I don't care who knows that we're together and I don't fucking care that Blake had him first. He didn't know how fucking lucky he was to have Danny on his arm.
"I don't… I don't care about any of that shit," I mumble softly, heart in my throat when I swallow. "It doesn't matter to me. Blake was an idiot for the shit he pulled and I… I don't care who knows that we're together, it-"
"That's the point!" Danny yells back, roughly sighing as he grips strands of his hair again. "It doesn't matter to you and that's the problem. You don't care and all I can do is care."
He's breathing hard and tears are streaming down his cheeks but he pulls away when I reach for him. I don't know what you mean. Let me fix this.
Danny shakes his head when I try to close the distance between us so I stop. I don't want to push him and I'm so fucking scared my knees are shaking. I don't want this. I don't want any of this stupid space between us. Whatever I did, I can fix. But I can't lose him – I don't know what my heart will do if it's ripped away from his before it's even had a chance to settle in.
"This was doomed from the start," he states bluntly, shrugging when he looks up at me again. "It's better this way. We can still be…friends."
I hate that word. I hate it applied to Danny. I don't want him to be my friend, I want him to be my boyfriend. And I don't care who would hate that about us. I don't fucking care if everyone in this whole goddamn town tells me that we're wrong for each other – I'll spend my life proving to them that we're right. I can't do this. I can't let him walk away from me.
"I don't want to be your friend," I say and his expression falls. The breath he lets out is heavy and he's weighed down by all of this – by wanting me to let go and not getting it. But I can't. I won't give up that easily – I'm stubborn. I'm so fucking stubborn.
He won't look at me then but he sniffles in the silence. "That's why we have to end this now. Because if we keep this going and eventually break up over something real… I couldn't handle it. I don't want to lose you." His voice is soft on my name and he sniffles again before looking back at me with a shrug. "You've become so important to me and if after a few days of being… whatever this is, you can't even picture being my friend again then I… don't want this anymore."
"I don't get it. You want me to be your friend instead? I thought you wanted this too," I respond, my heart at his feet in this moment.
I hate the way it feels – like I'm begging him to love me. He doesn't have to. He doesn't fucking have to. But I want him to and… fuck, on some level, I think I need him to. And I hate myself for needing something from somebody else.
He snaps then, the fury in his eyes when he looks up at me again. "Of course I want this. Look at you, how could I not?" he spits, his chest heaving as he drags in a strangled breath. "But I've done this before. I've been with someone before and when it all went to shit, I was the one who had to deal with the fallout."
Danny rakes his hands through his hair, stumbling back a pace from me even though I haven't tried nearing him again. I'm too frozen by his anger to ever chance a move toward him again.
"I won't do it again. I won't wait around for the day that we can't stand each other anymore because I've seen what it does. I've felt what it does. And I can't go back to spending my every moment locked in my bedroom like before!" He's practically screaming now, every part of him shaking as the tears completely consume him. "I won't go back to being that lonely boy again, I can't do it! I almost killed myself over a fucking boy, Dash. I c-can't do this again!"
He's in my arms before I've even thought it through. But I've got him against my chest and he's sobbing and even though he's still yelling in between splintered cries, I hold him. I don't let him go because I can't do this either. I can't watch him give up on the two of us because of what he's been through.
It won't end like that. I'll never let it end like that. He's too fucking important to me to ever let go of because of his fear.
I love you, Danny. I won't let us end up that way. You won't ever be lonely with me.
Time slows down in between when I take him in my arms and when Alex calls to tell me he's on the way to pick me up.
Danny and I are on the floor just outside the living room, and I've got my arms around him. He's nearly sitting in my lap and I can feel every bruise Dad left on me but I don't care. It doesn't matter right now.
He's got his head against my chest, his fingers curled in the fabric of my hoodie and I don't ever want to let him go. He's scared of this – of wanting me – but I won't let us end like this. I won't let his fear stop him from having something that could be good.
"I don't want to make my parents mistakes," he softly admits, shifting just a little in my arms to press his lips to my neck. I close my eyes at his touch and he presses another kiss to my neck before dropping his head against my chest again.
I hold him tighter for a moment before I turn my head to kiss the top of his and he leans into the touch.
"We won't," I promise, resting my cheek against his head.
There's a lot we're up against right now. His fear of the two of us turning out like his parents have and my fear of turning out like either of my parents. A small town and even smaller minded people – we're up against it all.
Even though I don't care who knows if we're together, I'm not ready to be out publicly. Not that it should matter. So what if I'm bi? It doesn't change anything about me as a person.
If people want to hate me or stop talking to me just cause of who I want to be with then I obviously don't need them around. And it hurts to think about Tatiana being one of those people but… I'd rather know the truth than believe a lie.
Alex calls not long after I've nearly reassured Danny that we're not making a mistake. That we're not a mistake. I know he doesn't believe me and I know it's gonna take a lot more than a few stuttered promises but I'll do whatever it takes to make him believe in us.
When Alex texts me to let me know he's at the last light before his place, I go outside with Danny, wanting nothing more than to keep sitting on the floor inside with him. I don't want the distance between us to make him pull away from me. I need to see him again before I go away for the visit to Amridge. I'll go out of my mind if we're apart for too long without knowing where I stand with him.
"Come to Dale's party with me tomorrow?" I ask suddenly, surprising myself with the words.
Danny hesitates for a few moments longer but he finally looks up at me, shuffling closer to me in the snow. He's wearing an over-sized hoodie, jeans that hug his ass fucking perfectly, and a pair of bunny slippers. I don't think I've ever wanted him more. I want to plant kisses every-fucking-where on him and I want that to be okay. I want us to figure things out and I don't want to end this year without knowing what I mean to him.
"He's throwing a New Year's Eve thing. It's supposed to be casual but… every year he ends up inviting the whole school. I don't give a fuck who's there," I admit, letting out a shaky breath. "But… come with me?"
I'm standing there with my heart in my throat, terrified of his every move, and I almost pass out when he sighs. Cause he sounds frustrated and I hate that I'm the cause of it. I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to become the person he wants to run away from. I don't even know what I did but if he'd tell me, I'd fix it. I'd fix all of it.
"I don't know… my family's low-key about New Years. We've never made a big deal out of it," he says quietly, shrugging one shoulder as he drops his gaze to the snow again. He's quiet as he keeps his gaze on the ground and I can barely breathe in the silence.
It feels like it takes forever. Like a lifetime passes between the moment when I asked him and when he finally responds but my heart's still in my throat and he's still staring down at the snow.
"Maybe I can go. My sister's already back at school and I think my parents are staying in so… what the hell," he mumbles, almost to himself rather than me. He pushes one hand through his hair before he looks up at me.
I swallow hard, nodding in the silence. "You want me to pick you up? I mean… me and Alex, I guess. He's not letting me drive for a while even though I'm fine but I can-"
"I'll drive myself," he responds, his voice flat and god the look on his face hurts. There aren't words to describe the pitfalls of my stomach when I meet his gaze. He doesn't want to do this. He doesn't want to fucking do this anymore.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hear a car pull up outside Danny's place but I don't turn to look. I'm frozen, staring at the boy who's slowly turning to stone right in front of me. He's putting up walls between us that I have no hope of climbing and I don't know if I can tear them down with only my two hands. I can't do this, Danny. You have to help me do this.
"Text me the address?" he asks, sliding his hands into the front pocket on his hoodie.
I'm crumbling. I'm barely breathing as he talks and I can't explain the way ice shards have entered into my lungs and my veins, preventing me from making a sound or reaching out for help. I don't know what to do. He doesn't want this and I all I want is this.
How do I do this? How do I let him walk away?
I nod, too afraid to leave and give him the space he wants. I can't let him go. I don't know how to let him go. He's barely been mine but I want him. No matter the distance between us and no matter how much shit we're up against, I want him.
"You should probably go… Alex is waiting on you," Danny says, hesitating a moment when I meet his gaze before he tilts his head to one side. "Unless you want to kiss me goodbye?"
God, yes. I want to kiss him goodbye and goodnight and good morning and-
"Would that be okay?" tumbles out of me before I can stop myself and I realize that it's the least sexy way to ask him if we can kiss. There's a million different ways I could have phrased it, but I had to make it conversational and that's not fucking romantic. I might as well have asked to borrow a cup of fucking sugar or a damn pencil with the way I asked it.
Danny smiles then, it's nothing more than one corner of his mouth tucking upward, but that little gesture means everything to me. And he invites me in with a nod as he slides his hands from his pockets.
I step closer to him in the silence, suddenly aware that Alex is watching us. But Danny places his hands on either side of my face and I forget about everything else.
He draws me closer and our lips are hesitant against one another's. It's gentle and calm and throws me off a little. All the kisses we've shared before have been rough and passionate and this… it's good. It's sweet. And I don't know what to make of it.
He smiles when he pulls away from me – a real smile that he tries to hide by ducking his head but I see it. "You should probably go now," he says softly, chancing a look up at me. His smile has faded a little but it's still there and he doesn't look frustrated anymore.
I lean closer to him to press a kiss to his forehead which he scoffs at but I do it anyway. It's stupid and corny as hell but I don't care. Cause it feels good when he drags me down to kiss him on the mouth again and I don't know how long I'll get to do this with him.
He might wake up tomorrow and decide that all of this isn't worth it. But for now, I get to kiss him. So I kiss the fucking hell out of him.
Alex is scrolling through something on his phone when I get in the car but he looks up at me with a shit-eating grin and I know my face is flushed.
"Shut up," I mumble before he's even said anything. I can tell from the look on his face that he's grinning at the kisses I shared with Danny.
He's grinning when I look his way and I roll my eyes but it doesn't stop him.
"So… that was cute," he teases, leaning back in his seat. "You two seem pretty close already. Very comfortable with each other, huh?"
"How'd it go with Chuck?" I cut him off, not entirely sure that's the question I meant to ask.
Alex sobers up almost immediately, losing that smile on his face as he shrugs. He looks away from me then and I almost feel bad for bringing it up just to get the attention off of me. But his expression softens just a little.
"Good, I think. About… as well as we both could have hoped for," he says, letting out a quiet breath. "I mean… we've barely held a civil conversation inyears so… baby steps."
He looks at me with a smile then and I relax a little, buckling my seat-belt in place. "That's great," I tell him, adjusting the strap on the seat-belt before I look up at him again. "Is he gonna help with the move? Cause with as much shit as you've got packed into the apartment, we're gonna need all the help we can get."
Alex laughs then, leaning over to tousle my hair and it surprises me but doesn't unnerve me the way it probably would have a few months ago. I feel closer to Alex than I ever have before and I don't ever want to lose this feeling between us.
Things might have gotten fucked up before but Alex is my rock now and I don't ever want to lose him. Even if that means putting up with his teasing.
Alex makes a stop at the grocery store and even though my face still looks pretty shit, I go inside with him. I get a few looks but I do my best to ignore them, focusing on Alex instead. I help him pick up a bunch of stuff he tells me that his mom asked him to and I try to ignore the way my heart aches when I think of Tatiana.
She doesn't like the part of myself that likes Danny and it hurts but… it is what it is. And I can't let myself focus on it for too long or I'll go crazy trying to find a way for her to accept me.
It doesn't take us long in the store and we're pulling into Tatiana's neighborhood just after five. He's back to teasing me about Danny as we get the few bags out of the trunk of his car and I pointedly ignore everything he's saying. He uses his key to get into the house and he's laughing as I flip him off, heading toward the kitchen.
"You know I can always get dirt on you from Anastasia, right? I'll get my revenge for this," I respond, rolling my eyes when he laughs at me. "Shut up, when have I ever been mean to you?"
He starts to defend himself – say that he's not being an ass about this – but we both stop short when we see Kendra at the dining room table. She has her hair piled into a bun on the top of her head and an old faded sweatshirt on. Her face is red and she gathers up a few books off the table, pasting a smile on her face as she looks up at us.
"Hey," she greets, sniffling just a little as she gets up from the table, tucking the books in to her arms. "You boys need help putting the groceries away?"
Alex watches her in a stunned silence for a few seconds before his gaze drops to the books in her arms. He lets out a quiet breath as his shoulders drop and he leans forward to set the bag of groceries down on the table.
Kendra won't look at him as he puts his hands on her shoulders but he doesn't need it. He just pulls her against his chest and she buries her face into his shoulder.
My stomach crawls into my throat and I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going on or what I should be doing.
Alex remembers I'm standing there before I find the courage to move and he turns just a little toward me. "Would you mind putting the groceries away?" he asks, sliding his arms a little further around Kendra. "I'll just be a minute."
I nod silently and get his bag from the table before I head into the kitchen. My knees feel weak as I walk and I force myself to take a deep breath – trying to shake out the tension settling comfortably in my bones. I don't know what's fucking with Kendra or how Alex immediately knows what's wrong but it doesn't involve me. I can't do anything to help.
I focus on what I can do – putting away the groceries – until it's finished and then I'm just standing there, trying to figure out what to do next. I can hear Alex talking quietly in the dining room and I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know something that Kendra doesn't want me to.
I try to slip out of the kitchen and past the dining room without hearing anything but… Alex doesn't make it easy.
"I've told my mom a thousand times not to leave these laying around. If it were up to me, we wouldn't even have them in the house anymore," Alex is saying softly and he sighs at whatever look Kendra gives him. "It's not like we need the constant reminder."
Kendra tsks softly and when she sighs, she whispers something I don't catch but I'm gone then. I'm up the stairs and moving across the landing before I can hear anything else. I don't have the right to know what's going on between the two of them. So I put on a playlist from my phone and get my laptop from my bag.
I'm on Facebook for all of five minutes when a chat window pops up in the bottom corner of the screen. I finish reading Kwan's post about the holidays from a couple days back, before I click on the chat, completely unprepared for the horrible chat speak that comes along with my teammate.
Dale H: duuuuuuuude
Dale H: ur coming tmrw rite
Dale H: my prnts rn't gunna b home until like the fourth or smthn
Dale H: so ur welcum to get drnk off ur ass n stay over
Me: Is that what you told Mitch?
Me: Also learn to spell
Dale H: fuCK U MAN
Dale H: mitch is alwys welcum to stay over ;) ;) ;)
Dale H: we drve my neighbrs insane lmaoooo
Dale H: all knds of noise cmplnts ;)
Ugh. I feel myself physically cringe at his responses. Why the fuck would he talk about it like that? I brought it on myself by bringing Mitch up in the first place but… I didn't need to know the details.
Me: Dude, seriously?
Dale H: whaaaat
Dale H: u asked
Me: I literally didn't
Dale H: wutever
Dale H: so ur comin?
Dale H: also is kwan
Dale H: been textin him but he's not rspndng
Me: Maybe it's because you're spelling like you're a four-year-old?
Dale H: fuck u
I lean back on Alex's bed, shifting my gaze to the ceiling as a bunch of messages from Dale start popping up. I listen to the notification sound multiple times in a row but I don't look down at my screen yet.
I don't know how it's gonna go at the party tomorrow. If Danny even shows up… oh god, I don't want to spend the whole night waiting for him and end up sitting with Kwan instead. Cause he'll probably be with Keith and it's not like I can sit with Dale and Mitch either. After this conversation, I don't think I'll be able to look Mitch in the eyes for a while. Ugh… why do all of my friends have to have their relationships figured out while I'm still trying not to make a mess of mine?
Dale H: R U COMIN
Dale H: u've been avoiding the question
Dale H: r u hanging w cooler ppl insted
Dale H: let me dwn easy man
Dale H: u know I h8 rejection
Me: Relax. Yes, I'm coming
Me: I'm pretty sure Kwan is too
Dale H: SWEET
I hesitate for several minutes, typing and re-typing the same message over and over again, trying to find the right way to phrase it. I don't want to make it seem like a big deal but… I need to ask him so I can tell Danny.
Me: I invited Danny too… I hope that's okay
Dale H: yeah of course
Dale H: sweet of u, Baxter ;) any reason why HE'S the one u asked to come?
Me: Shut up
Me: What time does it start? Danny doesn't want to be the first one to show up
Me: And honestly same, lol
Dale H: whoa ur not drvng ur wannabe bf over here?
Dale H: that's terrible man
Dale H: pick him up. Mitch finds it rmntic
Dale H: I think Danny will too
Dale H: maybe u'll get lcky n he'll give u a midnight kiss ;)
Me: Does Mitch find your spelling "rmntic"?
Dale H: fuck u whts wrng with the way I talk?
Dale H: also PICK HIM UP
Me: He doesn't want me to
It's tough as hell to admit but I make myself do it. I breathe out heavily, dragging my phone from my pocket. I force myself to focus on navigating to Danny's conversation, ready to tell him what time to show up, before I look up at my screen.
Dale H: oh jeez
Dale H: what'd you do?
Me: Why are you assuming I did something?
Dale H: idk
Dale H: what happened then, I guess
Me: Oh now you can spell?
Dale H: shut up
Dale H: seriously what happened
Me: I don't know
Me: Things are just weird right now
Me: He's got a bit of a past and it's just… making things difficult
Dale H: you mean with his ex-boyfriend?
I blink, staring at the words on my screen several times before they sink in. Dale wasn't out on the balcony with us that night… when did Danny tell him?
Me: You know about that?
Dale H: of course
Dale H: Mitch mentioned in passing that Danny had an ex-boyfriend that was pretty shit
Dale H: and Danny came by a couple weeks ago when Mitch was staying the weekend with me. Apparently things were really bad with his ex or something
Dale H: I don't know, he talked mostly to Mitch, I only caught part of it
Dale H: but yeah I know. Why?
Me: I don't know. I just didn't expect him to have mentioned it to you
He sends back an obnoxiously sized gif of someone shrugging and I try to type several responses but I don't come up with anything.
I want to ask him if he knows who it is. I want to know what the hell was going on a few weeks ago that I don't know about. Danny didn't mention anything to me. Maybe I can ask him at the party tomorrow or maybe I can find some way to casually ask about it over text when I get the time for him… fuck, I'm pushing too hard with all of this. I need to pull back and just take what he's given me before I ruin everything.
Me: So, the time?
Dale H: seriously?
Dale H: I tell you that I know about all of that shit and you don't have anything to say about it?
Me: Guess not
Dale H: cut the crap, baxter
Dale H: you mean to tell me that this doesn't bother you? at all?
Dale H: haven't you thought about how this is gonna affect you asking him out?
Dale H: like how do you even go about something like that now?
Talking to Dale was a bad idea right now. It's not taking my mind off of anything and I don't want to talk about this shit. What Danny went through was fucking horrible and I know how much it's gonna hinder our relationship but that doesn't help when I'm trying with everything in me to save it from falling apart before it even starts.
Me: I don't know, Dale. I'm just focused on the party tomorrow, okay? I didn't think he was going to come but he said he would so I'm just trying to stay focused on that
Me: I'll get the party time from Jeff or somebody
Dale H: wait, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help
Me: I know. It's fine. I'll ask Jeff, thanks
I log out of Facebook before he has the chance to send me anything else and I get my phone instead. After I navigate out of Danny's text conversation and into Jeff's, I shoot off a couple of quick texts to him, not even caring that I'm probably saying more than he needs to know just to give me the address.
To: Jeff
Hey man, do you know what time Dale's party is?
I need to send it to Danny so he can come
I was talking to Dale on Facebook but he wouldn't surrender it that easily. He was too busy talking about his sex life with Mitch
I get several texts back from Jeff immediately, starting with the party time – eight-thirty – which I mentally copy so I can send it to Danny.
From: Jeff
Gross
Every time I talk to him lately, he's going on about that. Like congrats man, you got laid
You invited Danny to the party, huh? Getting serious with him? ;p
To: Jeff
Not now, please
It sounds desperate and whiny and I don't mean for it to. I try to take it back or lighten it with a joke but everything I type out sounds forced. So I close out of Jeff's conversation and open Danny's again, immediately sending him the time before I carefully type out a second message.
To: Danny
See you tomorrow?
I hesitate for a long time, watching his conversation and waiting for a text back, before I close out again. I try to find something to do on the computer but nothing feels right, so I put on a random playlist from my music library and stare up at the ceiling instead.
When my phone vibrates three times in a row, part of me hopes it's all from Danny but I know it's not. Only one text is from him, just a stupid thumbs up emoji and I hate myself for being disappointed.
He's coming tomorrow. He's showing up because I asked him to and… that should be enough. But fuck, I just want everything to be fixed between us. I don't even know what I did wrong – I just want it over with.
I stop torturing myself by agonizing over the one emoji I got back from Danny and switch to Jeff's texts instead.
From: Jeff
Okay
Everything alright with him?
To: Jeff
No. Things are fucked up and I don't know why
I try to talk myself out of pushing send but I do it anyway. I can't be the only one that knows about this right now. I'll drive myself crazy before the party tomorrow. I need someone's advice – someone outside this situation.
From: Jeff
What happened?
To: Jeff
He's not sure that he wants to be with me
Like as a boyfriend
I can't go back to being his friend
From: Jeff
What do you mean? You can't go back to being his friend?
Did you tell him how you feel or something?
To: Jeff
I kissed him. A couple days before Christmas and everything was fine but… it's not fine anymore. I don't know what's wrong but everything's wrong
It's more than I should admit to him. Danny and I agreed not to tell anyone about us right away – we wanted the time and space to figure everything out. But we haven't figured anything out and I feel like I'm on the verge of losing him.
From: Jeff
Shit, man
Okay, so. You kissed him and he was into it too?
And now he's not interested?
To: Jeff
I don't know if he's not interested… I think he's scared of this
I drum my fingers against the sides of my phone, internally debating, before I just send it.
To: Jeff
I think it's cause of Blake
From: Jeff
Gotcha
Leave it to Blake to cock-block you, huh?
He's trying to make me laugh and I feel like an ass cause it's not working. I don't feel like joking about this. I finally have Danny but… at any second, I could lose him. And that fucking terrifies me because I've never wanted something this badly before. I've never wanted anyone this badly before.
To: Jeff
Come on, man
From: Jeff
Sorry
But seriously. Did he actually say it was cause of Blake?
To: Jeff
No. I just know him well enough
From: Jeff
Gotcha
It's too much. I shouldn't be telling Jeff anything. Danny probably doesn't know that Jeff's already aware of what happened with Blake. I have no fucking right to be talking about it. I didn't ask him before I told Valerie about the phantom stuff and I didn't ask him before I set that fire and here I am again. Not fucking asking him and doing what I want anyway.
To: Jeff
I shouldn't be talking about this. Forget I mentioned it
From: Jeff
How come?
I think you need to talk to him. Tell him what you want and figure out how to bridge that gap between the two of you
Does he know how much you like him or does he think you're just fooling around?
I collapse back on the mattress, pushing my laptop off of me, and stare up at the ceiling again. I don't want to do this now. I don't want to think about how I could lose Danny before I've ever had the chance to really have him. I want him more than words can say but… it doesn't matter if he doesn't want me.
From: Jeff
I'm not trying to pry or anything. You just sound frustrated and I'm trying to help
You wanna meet me somewhere and talk about this? I know it's hard over text
To: Jeff
I don't feel like it tonight
From: Jeff
Tomorrow then?
We can go out for coffee or something before the party?
I shouldn't even entertain the idea of getting into this stuff with Jeff cause it's not my shit to talk about. But I'm going out of my mind trying to figure out what to do and I know I'll go stir crazy tomorrow if I'm waiting around all day to go to this party.
To: Jeff
Okay. That sounds good
We agree on going to get coffee tomorrow and then I lay in silence on Alex's bed, staring up at the ceiling. Music drifts softly from my phone but I'm too zoned out to figure out what's playing.
It's silent downstairs for a long time. But when I hear Kendra and Alex start making dinner, I get up from the bed and go downstairs to offer up my help.
The two of them are making a simple pasta dinner but they invite me in to help anyway. I notice the subdued tone of Kendra's voice and even though part of me wants to ask about it, I don't.
I don't know her the way I do Alex and it's not my right to ask anyway.
It's just the three of us for dinner again and when no one comes home mid-meal to join us, I realize that this is the way it's gonna be when I move in with them. We've been looking at houses and making plans but I think it's just now hitting me. I'm moving in with the two of them. We're all gonna live together.
"How'd it go with Danny today?" Kendra asks me, smiling when I lift my gaze from my plate.
I don't want to talk about the way things ended between the two of us. But it takes everything in me to force a smile on my face. "Fine. We just hung out together, you know? It was nice."
The words don't feel fake. It was nice. Before everything went to shit.
"Yeah… seemed like you had a lot of fun," Alex says, a clear teasing note to his tone.
My face colors instantly – I can tell from the heat that washes over me – and when Kendra glances at Alex, I know she gets everything she needs to know from that one look. I drop my gaze back to my plate and let out a breath slowly before I look up at Alex.
"I did," I respond, my tone as calm as it can be with my face feeling like a fucking inferno. It only makes Alex grin but I ignore him, stirring the food on my plate. "I'm going to a party tomorrow night."
"Oh?" Kendra asks, giving me a genuine smile when I shift my gaze to her. She straightens the napkin laying beside her plate and gives her food a glance before she meets my gaze. "Whose party is it?"
Alex's phone vibrates against the table and steals his attention.
"My teammate, Dale's," I tell Kendra, continuing when she nods. "He throws one every New Year's Eve."
Kendra looks to her plate again, twirling the pasta noodles around her fork before she looks up at me again. "Yeah? His parents don't mind you guys partying?" she asks, glancing at Alex when he snorts. "What?"
"I highly doubt his parents are home during the party, Kendra," Alex says, shifting his gaze to mine in the silence. "I'm sure they're all there to get wasted and do shit that his parents definitely wouldn't want them to."
"Yeah, that's about right." I grin, lifting one shoulder. "It's the one time of the year I can get absolutely shit-faced and not have to worry about a ride home. He's cool with anybody crashing there."
Alex laughs softly, shaking his head. His gaze strays toward Kendra – like he's remembering the nights when they used to get shit-faced. I wonder if he misses it. Or if when I'm older, I'll miss it too.
I'd like to think I'll at least miss the friends I used to get drunk with. When life's absolutely shit, at least my friends are always down to do something stupid. It's hard to believe a couple months from now, we'll all be scattered across the country.
Sleep doesn't come easily to me. I fall into endless nightmares that always end just before I wake each time, leaving me disorientated. Reality feels like a distant dream when I finally do wake up. But the comforter is fisted in my hands and my heart's fucking racing.
This is real.
My pulse is screaming in my ears but Alex is asleep next to me and I don't want to wake him. So I get out of bed, shaking as I leave the room.
I pace the halls outside his bedroom, grabbing fistfuls of my own hair and trying to calm my heart but nothing works. I end up downstairs, pacing through the living room and into the kitchen, searching for something to numb this feeling.
I brush my shoulder against something in the darkness of the living room and I nearly jump out of my skin when a loud clatter sounds behind me. My hands shake but when I turn the overhead light on, I realize it's just Alex's keys, fallen from the hook they were on.
When I put them up on the hook again, I realize what's woken me – what's been waking me every damn night since I got here.
I don't need to stop taking my painkillers or try fucking therapy to fix this. I need to fix this. And there's only one fucking way to.
I'm quiet as I slip back into Alex's room, getting my phone and a hoodie before I go back downstairs. Guilt gnaws at my stomach as I swipe Alex's keys from the hook again, sliding my feet into my shoes before I unlock the front door and step outside.
I make it into the driver's seat before the reality of what I'm doing hits me.
I don't have a right to take Alex's car without asking him and he'll kill me for doing this in the middle of the night but… I have to. If I don't go now, I won't get the chance again and these nightmares will never stop.
If I want this bad shit to go away, I have to face what started it all.
The outside of the hospital feels cold to me. And sitting in the front seat of Alex's car, I'm almost able to convince myself that the shivers running through me are entirely from the snow blanketing the ground.
I get out of the car slowly, everything in me trembling from the cold and the fear racing through my veins. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be coming around to see him after everything that's happened. But I'm here. I can't move on until I stop looking back. And if I never see him again, I'll always be looking over my shoulder.
The receptionist at the desk is kind as she tells me where to go. And even though the elevators are just around the corner, it takes me for-fucking-ever just to get on one. Every second that I'm on the way to his floor, I'm praying for this damn elevator to just break down. I don't want to do this. I don't want to fucking do this. I can't-
When the elevator shudders to a stop, my chest is constricting with every breath I drag in. Every step I take reverberates up my spine and I turn back from his room twice before I find the courage to step inside.
He's asleep on the bed, tubes and wires going into him and the sight makes me choke. All the monitors in the room are beeping steadily and it's so fucking surreal to see him like this. I feel like I'm in some kind of dream as I cross the room over to him.
I stand beside the chair next to his bed, my knees weak and shaky but unable to force myself to sit.
He's so still on the bed. But I can see the steady rise and fall of his chest. That simple sight is enough to shake me and I end up collapsing in the chair, my head in my hands, dragging in breaths that make me feel like I'm strangling.
I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. I never want to see him again and yet… here I am. Trying not to fucking sob at the sight of him.
He did his worst to me. He's always done the worst to me and this time… there wasn't supposed to be any coming back from it. It was supposed to be over. I was supposed to hate him forever and fucking never look back. But I'm running back to him already, terrified that I'm making a mistake by leaving him behind.
"I don't know what I'm doing," I softly admit into the silence, wondering if he can hear me wherever he's at in dreamland. "I don't even know why I came here now, I just… did. And I'm supposed to be moving in with Alex but… how can I ever move forward if I'm always looking back?"
Everything is coming out in a whisper now and I hate that I'm blinking back tears and swallowing past the stupid lump in my throat. I shouldn't be here. Not like this. Not swallowing back everything I feel like saying and blinking against the hot tears forming under my lids.
"I wanted to believe you… when you said that things were gonna be different," I mumble, pushing my hand through my hair as a pained breath leaves me. "But you lied to me. You… you promised that you were gonna make an effort but… you didn't. Everything ended and I'm the idiot that fell for it. Again."
This isn't fair. I tried everything to make this work. But Mom left and Dad still fucks me up. Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's never been me.
But fuck, I'm the common denominator here. Mom left me behind. Dad puts his hands on me. I fuck everything up. I always have.
"I don't know what I'm doing wrong," I whisper, dragging in breath after breath that shakes. "And I don't know what I'm hoping will change but… I wanted this to work. I wanted to fix things between us but… I don't think I have that kind of power."
It's not up to me. It's never been up to me. I'd do anything to fix this shit that's been between us since I was a kid but… Dad's the one that always starts it. He's the one that puts his hands on me and it doesn't matter what I say or do. It happens and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
When I look up at him, I expect his eyes to have opened. I expect apologies to fall from his lips and I expect everything to fix itself. But real life doesn't work the way I dream it will. He's still asleep.
I can't keep doing this to myself. I have to end it here. Now. Right now.
"I can't do this anymore," I manage to say, my throat so thick with tears, I can barely swallow. "I can't come here and hope that things will be different the next time you open your eyes. And I can't… play your stupid voicemail and pretend that it fixes anything. It doesn't. Things between us are fucked. They'll… god they'll always be fucked. You don't know how to change and I don't know how to accept what is and we-"
I stop then, out of breath and out of strength to hold back the tears brimming in my eyes. So I stop. And I just fucking leave.
I'm barely breathing right until I'm in the front seat of Alex's car again, my face in my hands and the tears shaking me completely. This was it. The last time I'll ever see my dad again. He wasn't even awake for me to say goodbye to but… I can't let that stop me. This was it. This has to be it. Or I'll spend the rest of my life looking back at someone that's only ever gonna hurt me.
The sun's just started to rise, turning the sky from pitch black to blue in a matter of moments when I pull into the Moreno's driveway. I cut the car off and watch the sky slowly lighten right in front of me, trying to process everything. But it's cold and I'm exhausted so I give up. I'll figure everything out when it's light outside.
I'm quiet as I slip back inside the house, hanging Alex's keys on the hook again, before I head up the stairs. He's still asleep when I crawl in bed beside him but I accidentally bump into him as I'm settling down again and it stirs him from sleep.
He mumbles something softly and my heart's pounding in my ears again as I turn away from him, trying to stop myself from shaking. For a few seconds, nothing happens. But things never go my way and Alex talks instead of falling back asleep.
"Nightmare?" he asks, his voice thick with sleep.
I'm blinking back tears again, trying to stay calm, and I have to swallow hard several times but I manage to respond.
"I'm fine," I say, somehow sounding like I'm not about to burst into fucking tears. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why this hurts so bad.
Alex exhales heavily and I squeeze my eyes closed. "You wanna talk about it?" he asks softly, putting his hand on my back. "Jesus, you're freezing."
He slides his arm onto my shoulder like he wants to turn me toward him but I can't let him. I don't want to give in to this crushing sadness and let it win again.
"I'm fine," I stress, trying with everything in me to sound calm with the words. "I just want to go back to sleep, okay?"
He hesitates for a few seconds but eventually his hand falls from my shoulder. It's dead silent in his room for a long time before I hear him softly snoring behind me and my whole body relaxes.
With him asleep, I don't have to hold myself together anymore and it all hits me at once. Tears completely consume me and I end up with the comforter pressed to my face, smothering the sobs as I shake the whole damn bed frame.
It's over. It's fucking over. I'm never gonna see my dad again. And I don't know why the fuck it hurts but god-fucking-dammit, it hurts.
I'm awake before him when the sun's fully risen and the house is quiet around me when I leave the bed. I only managed to sleep for a couple of hours but… I can't keep laying there, hoping that it all stops hurting.
I spend a long time in the shower, thinking everything over but I always come back to the same thought. The only solution to this fucked up situation. I don't want to leave dad but… it's the only way I'm ever gonna move on.
When I finally turn the water off, I convince myself I need to shave and I take a long time doing it – trying to avoid re-opening any of the cuts or scrapes Dad hand delivered to me.
My every movement is sluggish and I wish I was still asleep in Alex's bed, not thinking about everything that's fucked up with my life. Dad's still in the hospital and I'm leaving him anyway. I'm moving out of my house and I have no clue where I stand with Danny. It all sucks. Every part of this sucks.
I leave the bathroom, trying to be quiet when I go back in Alex's room but his bed's empty when I step inside. So I drop my razor on the dresser and grab a hoodie from my bag before I head downstairs.
I don't want to talk to anybody but I desperately need coffee. And I'm tired of hiding out just because this shit hurts.
Anastasia's at the dining room table with Alex and she calls out to me as I pass by. I give her a wave in response before I go into the kitchen, focused on getting caffeine into me as soon as possible. I feel like it's been forever since I've had a decent night's sleep. It's starting to take its toll.
Tatiana is in the kitchen, making something for breakfast, and the second we make eye-contact, I regret coming here. Caffeine be damned, I should have stayed upstairs. I can live with exhaustion. I can't live with feeling this way around someone that's supposed to be so damn important to me.
She looks away from without a word and I can't find the courage to say 'good morning' even though it was on the tip of my tongue moments ago.
This isn't supposed to feel like this. Everything's supposed to be better with the Moreno's. It's not supposed to feel like I'm choking over nothing and everything all at once.
I move around her in silence, getting down a mug from the cabinet above the coffee pot. I make myself a cup of coffee in that same weighted silence and she doesn't look my way once. I don't get it. I don't fucking get it. So I like Danny. What's so wrong with it? What's so wrong with me?
A braver person than me would find a way to confront her – confront this whole mess that's slowly building between us – but I'm not brave. I'm not even close to brave. So I escape with my coffee and slip into the dining room where Alex and Anastasia are sitting.
I collapse in the first empty chair I see and Alex shares a glance with Anastasia before he gets up from his chair and moves to the one next to mine. He tries to make it look natural but anyone with eyes can see what he's doing.
"I don't want to talk so please. Don't try to get me to," I say before he has the chance to speak. All my years of playing football with the Ravens has taught me that playing offense doesn't always work in our favor. Sometimes you've gotta go on the defensive in order to play the game.
Alex is quiet next to me for a few seconds but he lets out a quiet breath and rests his arm on the back of my chair, his hand brushing by my shoulder.
"Okay. You don't have to," he says, letting me off easier than I thought he would.
Normally I'd put up with his constant prying and his need to help me. But I'm not in the mood. Everything sucks and I don't need Alex to tell me that it's gonna be okay. Cause maybe it's not. Maybe everything is just gonna suck until it stops sucking. If it ever stops.
"Craziest thing happened the other night…" Anastasia says, a sly look in her eyes when I glance up at her. She shifts her gaze over to Alex with a smirk. "Guess who I bumped into at Javier's?"
Alex shrugs and Anastasia makes a soft tsking noise. "You're no fun, you're supposed to guess." She leans back in her chair, playing with a bobby pin before she looks up at Alex again with a grin. "Marsha Atwood."
"Yeah?" he asks, taking a long drink from his mug before he nods. "I heard something about her being back in town but I wasn't sure. I knew the town's biggest gossip would find out for me, though," he says with a smirk of his own, tilting his mug in Anastasia's direction.
She rolls her eyes again with a scoff. "Please. We both know who the real gossip is." She looks pointedly toward the kitchen. "She's the worst and we know it. Come on, don't even try to say it's me."
Alex is looking like he's ready to argue and I shouldn't trust myself to speak yet but… I'm tired of this. I'm tired of not being a part of a conversation I can easily be in. This is surface shit and I don't have to go into any more detail than I want to.
"That's cause neither one of you have ever had a conversation with Mrs. Sanchez – Paulina's mom," I mumble, sipping from my coffee when they glance my way. I shrug as I set the cup down on the table. "She's the worst. I know more shit about my friends parents than I should."
Alex gives me a small smile, accompanied with a nod but it's Anastasia who speaks up.
"Yeah, we know Eliza," she says, the amusement gone from her expression when I look at her. She won't hold my gaze for longer than a second and from the way Alex is looking at her, I guess he didn't want me to know that.
I don't feel like playing like I don't care. I just ask it instead. "Yeah? How do you guys know her?"
Anastasia lifts her gaze to Alex's, raising her eyebrows in question. I guess he's the one that's supposed to answer me so I shift my gaze over to him, meeting his stare when he finally looks my way.
"What's up?"
He exhales out a small breath, shaking his head as he fidgets with his mug. He shrugs one shoulder like it doesn't matter but from how weighted the silence has gotten, I think it does.
"She's… Hugh's our cousin." Alex glances toward me with a nod. "He's almost twice my age so… Ana and I grew up knowing him as sort of an uncle. When they married, she was pretty much an aunt but-"
"The thing is, she's a bitch," Anastasia says, cutting to the chase.
Alex sighs, leaning back in his chair as he pushes his mug away from him. "Yeah, basically." He runs his hand through his hair, dropping his gaze to the table again. "I don't want to get into it but… there's a reason I keep my distance from that family."
"Why didn't you tell me?" It's out of my mouth before I can stop myself but I realize how much I actually want to know the answer when he looks at me. I swallow hard and attempt to soften the words. "I mean… I was dating her daughter. Why didn't you mention it before?"
He shrugs. "It wasn't something I felt like dragging you into. It's not a big deal."
Anastasia scoffs like it is but the doorbell rings and Alex looks at her pointedly until she gets up to answer it. As soon as she disappears from the entryway to the dining room, Alex leans back in his chair again, draping his arm over the back of my chair.
"We gonna talk about last night?" he asks in a way only he can. "Are your nightmares getting worse?"
He's trying to be gentle with the question but it still sends my heart racing as a jolt of electricity runs through me. It wasn't a nightmare. I went to see Dad last night.
I don't respond, sipping from my own mug to avoid looking at him. I don't want to lie to Alex but I don't know how he'll react to me seeing Dad without telling him. And basically stealing his car for the night.
"I'm fine," I lie, not looking at him when he sighs. It's not like it even matters. I'm never going to see my dad again. And I'm gonna end up in therapy either way cause Alex will never let this slide by.
Anastasia comes back into the dining room, grinning widely. "Look what the cat dragged in," she announces proudly, followed into the room by Chuck.
He smiles at me and Alex, offering a quiet hello. It takes Alex a few seconds in silence before he reacts. But his arm slides from my chair and he gets up, crossing over to envelope him in a hug. The two of them share a laugh that I'm not sure of the context but I feel the need to be a part of this. To not be so caught up in my own stupid drama that I can't say hello.
"Hey, Chuck," I easily say, forcing a smile for his sake when he looks at me.
I'm given a nod in return and the conversation is quickly taken over by Anastasia. She asks what he's doing here and if he can stay for long and I'm able to easily slip off into my own head again. Alex notices – of course he notices – but I manage to ignore him and the conversation around me continues without my input.
Chuck settles down at the table with the three of us and he's suddenly a part of something he wasn't just moments ago. I wonder if this is the way it used to be. Before everything got so fucked up and turned around between him and Alex – did he stop in like this? Unannounced but welcomed in immediately? What did he do that was bad enough for Alex to push him away?
Tatiana comes out with breakfast and it's a spread of foods I've never heard of but I eat it anyway. I smile at the appropriate times in the conversation and when Tatiana sits in the chair farthest away from me, I try to pretend it's because she wants to be closer to Chuck.
When there's a lull in the conversation, Chuck says he needs to get down to the station. He says he's working an early shift today and Alex invites him to ring in the New Year with us.
The way that Chuck looks at him tells me that there's something more there between them. But Chuck agrees with a smile and I guess I'm just seeing things that aren't there.
"I actually won't be here," I say, earning everyone's attention. It sends a hot flush rushing through me but I drag in a breath and meet Alex's stare with a shrug. "Remember? I'm going to my friend's party."
Alex hesitates a second before recognition clicks on his face. He gives me a nod and the attention is quickly pulled from me when Chuck pushes his chair back.
He smiles toward Alex before looking Tatiana's way. "Thank you for breakfast, Tatiana. It was amazing as always."
"Kiss ass," Anastasia mutters, rolling her eyes when Tatiana calls her name. "What? He is."
Chuck winks when Tatiana isn't looking and he slides his phone into his pocket. He pats his jeans, seems to double check that he hasn't forgotten something, then looks up again.
"Dash, you mind walking outside with me for a second?" he asks and something about the expression on his face unnerves me. I don't know if New Years Eve is a bigger deal to Alex than I realized before. I wonder if Chuck is gonna tell me to stay here for the night but… I can't. Danny's supposed to come to the party.
I get up from the table despite the way Alex is looking between the two of us. "Sure."
Chuck leads the way and then we're standing on the Moreno's front porch, staring out at all the other houses just like this one, snow covering their lawns and melting off their roofs. It'll all refreeze tonight when the temperature drops again but the steady dripping of melting snow is easy to focus on.
"I know you went to see your dad last night," Chuck says out of the blue, completely throwing me off.
When I look back at him, I can feel the racing of my heart and how dry my mouth suddenly is but his words don't sink in. I don't know what he's saying. He knows that I… why didn't he say something inside? Why didn't he call Alex as soon as he knew?
Is this why he made a stop here?
There's nothing I can say to defend myself but Chuck doesn't ask for that. He just puts one hand on my shoulder, shaking me a little, and frowns at my expression. "You have to understand… that getting caught up with him again is a bad idea. He might tell you one thing now but you've been through this enough times to know… doesn't he always go back on his word at some point?"
Of course he does. That's Dad. He says one thing but it changes over time. He changes over time. He tries for a while but it gets bad again and I fuck up and… everything becomes a mess again. But it's our mess and I'm tired of pretending like it's not a part of me anymore.
I might be moving out but that mess is coming with me whether I want it to or not.
"Yes," I barely manage to say, swallowing hard when he nods. I don't know what to say in the silence. I don't want to go back to Dad but seeing him in that hospital bed… looking so fucking helpless… it hurt. It reminded me of when I was in the hospital after the charity game last spring – when my calf got fucked up and Dad was there for me. I should be there for him now.
Chuck grips my shoulder a little tighter but it's not uncomfortable. "I don't want to have to bring this up with Alex but… you need to stay away from your dad," he says, his voice firm on the words and I can't hold his stare. He shakes my shoulder when I look away from him. "Hey, we're trying to protect you, okay? I know it's hard but… he's not in a good place right now. He's saying a lot of things he doesn't mean and we don't want you to-"
"He told me he wanted a second chance. In his voicemail," I say, nodding at the ground, keeping my gaze on my bare feet. "You heard it."
I don't know if Dad meant it or if it was a byproduct of the drugs they've got him on but… hearing him say that made everything feel okay for one fraction of a second. But everyone keeps trying to warn me that this isn't a good thing – that this isn't what I want.
But it is. God, it fucking is. I want everything to be fixed between me and Dad. But if it's all just gonna come crashing down around me, what the fuck is the point?
"Dash, he's…" Chuck trails off and I guess I'll never know what he was gonna say. Cause the door opens behind us and I distance myself from Chuck.
His hand falls from my shoulder and I think I know who's stepped out before I even hear him speak.
"What are you two gossiping about?" Alex asks, his tone infused with an amusement that feels misplaced in this moment. It's too sharp and biting and I hate the way it cuts like broken glass against my fucking baby skin.
I shift my gaze over to Chuck and he seems to hesitate a moment before he looks at Alex. The two of them share a glance that I don't understand but when Alex looks between us, I know Chuck's waiting for me to bring it up. For me to be the one to tell him. But it's done now, there's nothing to tell.
"New Year's Eve. He's telling me not to get drunk tonight," I say, my voice flat.
Alex doesn't say anything and I know he's not buying it. Whatever. It was a shitty attempt anyway.
Chuck draws in a deep breath. "Dash went to see Howard last night."
It's like a bombshell the way he says it. I see it in the way that Alex's posture stiffens and the way that the two of them are watching me like I'm about to explode at any second. But I don't care enough to get angry. Not for longer than it takes for me to call Chuck's name softly.
"Is that true?" Alex asks, his tone intertwined with a heavy dose of concern. And I think a touch of anger, too.
I don't know why he wants to hear me admit it. It's not like Chuck would lie about it. My dad's in the hospital. Of course I went to go see him.
I scoff, my breath hanging in the air and I watch it for as long as Alex lets me. Until his hands are on my shoulders, turning me around to face him and I can't take this.
"Stop," I snap, pushing his hands off. "Just stop. I get it. You all think I should stay away from him. I get it."
Alex watches me in silence and I can't stand this. I can't handle this waiting game that I'm playing with fucking everyone. I'm waiting on Dad to get out of the hospital, and Tatiana to tell me what she thinks of me, and Alex to stop thinking that I'm making a mistake by not walking away from dad.
I'm waiting for Jeff to pick me up, for Dale's party to start, and Danny to just fucking tell me how he feels about us.
"I can't let you do this to yourself. You have to understand… I'm trying to stop you from making a mistake you'll regret forever," Alex says, his tone injected with a sense of finality that ignites the worst part of me. The part that has to push back against anyone who tries to tell me that I'm fucking up my life. I might be making the worst fucking mistake in the world but it's mine to make.
Everything in this moment is electrified – from the way his words fall across me to the way I react when he touches me. I explode like he's a lit match and I'm gasoline. Because I don't know how to do this any other way.
"It's not your decision to make," I snap, ashamed of the bite to my words and the way I can't just stop. "It's my fucking mistake and I can make it if I want to. And I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye to him."
"Just a couple days ago you were!" Alex responds, his voice ice cold. "You told me that you were done. That you never wanted to see him again. So, what? What was this about? What changed your mind?"
God, he doesn't get it. I was blowing off steam in the moments I told him and Tatiana and fucking anyone who would listen that I was done with my dad. I'm angry. I'm fucking terrified that this is all gonna happen again. But he's my dad. He's my dad and he deserves better than a son that's desperately trying to leave him while he's still in the hospital. Last night wasn't a goodbye after all. It was an awakening.
Alex lets out a quiet breath when I don't speak. "Who brought you to the hospital last night?"
"I drove myself," I spit back, trying to stop some of the venom from leaking into my tone but it's a lost cause. I'm pissed off and I'm taking it out on the one person who doesn't deserve it. Alex has always been on my side and I'm fucking things up between us cause I'm angry about everything else going wrong in my life.
Confusion's clear in his expression before the realization dawns on him. "You took my car," he says, his tone flat. He's not asking it.
"I'll give you the money for the gas," I respond and I know I'm being flippant. I know I sound like an asshole but it doesn't matter. Cause I'm selfish. Cause I'm fucked up. Cause all I can focus on in moments like this is how I feel. How everything is fucked up for me.
Alex blows out a breath through his nose and he's clearly pissed off at me. "I don't care about the gas. I care about you. And you know you're not supposed to be driving while taking your painkillers – we just talked about this the other day."
"It's not the first time," I bite back, feeling like a child throwing a tantrum because I'm not getting my way. None of this is my way. It's not the way I wanted things to end between me and my dad. It's not the way I pictured being with Danny. And Tatiana's clear rejection of this other part of me… none of it's the way I pictured.
Chuck clears his throat softly and pats Alex on the shoulder before he's leaving.
I watch him walk down the driveway and get into the front seat of his cruiser. He just comes by, drops the news, and leaves. And I'm the one that has to get through this awful conversation – I'm the one who has to clean up this mess.
"We need to talk about this," Alex insists and that's the last thing I want to do.
I shrug, wishing against everything that he would just let this go. So I visited my dad. So I drove while on painkillers. It doesn't matter. None of it matters. This is all gonna go away in a few weeks. Dad'll get out of the hospital and I'll go crawling back to him cause that's all I know how to do.
"I don't want to see you get hurt again," Alex is saying, his hands on my shoulders, holding me firmly in place but I won't look up. "Hey, listen to me. I know that you're confused and… everything's a wreck right now. But you can't do stuff like that, okay? I'm here now. I can help you with whatever you need me to, okay? I'm here."
"So you would have taken me to the hospital last night?" I ask, finally meeting his stare. I don't need the silence that inevitably falls between us to get my answer. I see it in his eyes the second the question passes my lips. No. He wouldn't have.
Alex doesn't say anything for several moments, chewing on his lip and generally avoiding my gaze. But when he finally speaks, the question is calm and straight to the point. "Why'd you go?"
"Because I'm scared," I admit, feeling pissed off that I even have to mention it. And the confusion on Alex's face just adds to this whole fucked up feeling inside of me. "He's the only family I've got left. I almost lost him. And maybe some people see this as my chance to get away from him. But the only way I can see it is that I'm kicking him while he's down."
He's quiet again and I hate it. He always has something to say unless I'm going off like this. And I'm tired of making everything into a big fucking deal and I'm tired of everyone around me just letting me do it.
"We're here for you now. You're not… alone, Dash."
That twists the knife deeper in my gut. It fucks me up a little more and I hate that a scoff is the first thing I have to spit back at him. They're here for me. They're not my flesh and blood and I barely belong with any of them but they're the ones that are here for me.
"Yeah. You are," is what comes out and my tone is flat and all wrong. I watch the confusion in Alex's expression and I wish there was something I could say to fix this. But it's the truth. They are here for me.
Alex with his half-truths and Kendra with her crying yesterday and Tatiana… Tatiana with her rejection and my stupid broken heart. They're all here for me and a small, fucked-up part of myself wishes they weren't.
I swallow hard. "Jeff's gonna come by in a couple of hours to pick me up for the party."
Alex nods without a word and I can't move. I'm shivering in just my t-shirt and jeans but I can't step past him to get inside. I wish he'd go in first so I could follow him and pretend this never happened.
There's a million things he needs to hear me say but I'm selfish in this moment. I don't want to say the shit that heals and I don't want to say the things that are gonna help him. Everything hurts and I want him to know that I'm hurting without trying to fix it all for me.
The afternoon seems to take forever. I avoid Tatiana as much as I can but Alex is more difficult. He wants to check up on me and I can tell he's hovering even when he's pretending he's not. No one comes into a room that many times because they've conveniently forgotten something.
Part of me wants to call this whole goddamn party thing off and just stay here. Avoid having to find out that I mean nothing to Danny. But I know I'll go insane staying inside these walls for the rest of the night. So when Jeff comes around early, I barely say goodbye to Kendra and Alex before I'm out the door.
Jeff's still standing on the porch from ringing the doorbell, a puzzled expression on his face.
"Don't ask," I respond to the unasked question and tug the door shut behind me. "Come on. Let's just… get some coffee or whatever."
I collapse into the passenger seat and even though Jeff hasn't said anything yet, I feel the hesitation between us. He doesn't know anything about what's going on and he hasn't seen dad's damage yet so… I'm not surprised. And I guess that's the easiest place to start.
"Dad got his hands on me just before Christmas," is how I choose to explain it.
Jeff hesitates for a moment longer before he nods. He turns the car engine on and gets the heat running, buckling his seat-belt before he turns to me. "I'm sure everyone's asked already but… you alright?"
No. And not cause of the dad stuff either. It's everything else. Not knowing what I mean to Danny. Wondering how tonight's gonna end. Spending so much goddamn time building walls that Alex is desperately trying to climb. I don't need anyone – or maybe I don't want to need anyone. This sucks. It all sucks.
"I'll be fine." I hate the bitterness of the words and I hate not knowing if they're a lie. I think I will be. Eventually. But right now it feels like my world has begun to implode and there's nothing I can do but stand among the wreckage and wait for it all to stop.
Jeff lets out a quiet breath, shifting his gaze out the windshield again. "Put your seat-belt on," he says before he backs out of Tatiana's driveway.
I buckle my seat-belt with one hand and watch the house disappear until it's just us. Me and Jeff and all the shit that comes along with me.
Starbucks is stupidly over-crowded and Jeff can tell I'm irritated with the crowd as soon as we step inside. One look at the line and he's ushering me outside again.
We get back in his car and he takes us to a small café close to Dale's place. It's out of the way and I get major hipster vibes even from the outside. But there's no line and I'm desperate for coffee now.
"You ever been here before?" he asks, tsking softly when I shake my head. "You'll like it. Everyone usually gets coffee to go so it's a nice place to sit. Enjoy the silence."
He holds the door open for me and one glance inside the place has me wondering if Danny's ever been here before. The artwork on the walls reminds me of him.
I feel like I'm seeing him everywhere now. I can't help it. Tonight's either gonna be the start of something fucking amazing or the end of something that never really got started in the first place.
There's no line and the guy working behind the counter is vaguely familiar. His sun-blonde hair reminds me of someone and I recognize the exhaustion in his gray-blue eyes. His nametag reads Derekand even though it takes me a second, I realize it's Star's brother.
"Hey, Jeff. What can I get for you guys?" he asks, giving Jeff a tired smile before he looks at me.
Jeff rattles off his order, some gross over-priced sugary concoction, and I keep it simple. Regular coffee with room for cream. For some reason, that makes Derek smile and he punches in the orders into the cash register.
"Throw in a blueberry muffin, will you? Dash needs to try one," Jeff says, laughing when Derek rolls his eyes. He looks at me with a grin. "I was here all day a couple weekends ago and over the course of the day, I ordered every blueberry muffin they had."
Derek smiles when I look at him. "He doesn't believe that he's got some kind of obsession."
"Jeff? Obsessed?" I play like I'm shocked and Jeff lightly knocks his shoulder into mine.
"Shut up, man," he's laughing as he says it.
Derek moves over to the pastry container, whistling softly. He gets a paper sheet to grab the muffin, dropping it down into a paper bag.
"You coming to the party tonight?" I ask.
He frowns a little as he shakes his head, rolling down the top of the paper bag. "No. Some friends of mine are doing stuff tonight. Thought I'd hang out with them instead." He looks up with a grin. "As fun as tagging along with Star is, I'll pass."
Jeff takes the bag when Derek passes it to him. There's a moment of hesitation before Jeff looks to me, the smile on his face obviously forced.
"Can you go get a table? I'll wait for our coffees here."
I don't mind waiting, but I get the sense that he wants to talk to Derek. So I nod and slip away, wandering further into the café.
String light bulbs hang from the ceiling, colorful paintings on each wall. They're mostly of coffee cups or café scenes, but there's one depicting a rainstorm. I take the empty table closest to that picture.
There's almost no one else here so I leave my phone on the table before going to the condiment station. I don't know how strong their brew is so I bring a couple of extra sugar packets with me, taking the creamer canister, too.
Jeff doesn't take long with Derek. He's got both our coffees in his hands, the bag with the muffin clenched between his teeth. He gives me a grin as he sets our coffees on the table, depositing the bag into his hand.
"Seriously, you gotta try this muffin, it's amazing," he says, settling down across from me.
I tear open one of the sugar packets and carefully dump it into the steaming coffee. "Considering you lost your shit over it, I'm guessing it's good."
Jeff snorts before he checks his phone. His eyebrows draw down and he types something out before glancing up at me.
"Sorry, just a sec," he mumbles, returning his gaze to his phone.
I stir my coffee, adding the appropriate sugar-to-creamer ratio. He finishes whatever he was typing and sets his phone down on the table next to mine.
I sip my coffee. Damn, they do brew strong. "Was that Star?"
"Yeah." He nods then shrugs. "She's supposed to meet me at the party tonight but… she's not sure she can make it anymore." He lets out a breath, sipping from his own coffee.
I add another sugar packet, slowly stirring it in. "Yeah? Did she say why?"
"Her parents. I think they're starting to suspect something's up," he says softly. He lets out a breath when I look up at him. "I don't know. I feel like I'm going crazy waiting to tell them."
"Why haven't you?" I ask.
He looks away, shrugging one shoulder. "It's just not the right time yet."
We lapse into silence at that. I finish stirring my coffee and lick the droplets off the stirrer. There's a trash can just behind me so I lean as far as I can to ditch it. It bounces against the rim and wobbles like it's gonna fall to the floor. I feel a tiny victory when it falls in instead.
"So," Jeff breaks the silence with. He's looking at me when I turn around again. "What's going on with you? Did you… get things between you and Danny sorted out?"
I don't know how much I can tell him. Danny and I agreed on not letting a lot of people know right away. But I already caught Jeff up to where we're at because I've been so desperate for someone to understand.
"No," I run my finger along the lid of my cup, shrugging one shoulder. "He's been taking some time to figure it out."
Jeff nods like he gets it. I can tell he's got more questions about this whole mess. But he's not like me. He's not gonna push me or pry until I start talking. I can't tell if I want him to.
"It's hard to explain," I mumble, a heavy sigh rattling from me.
Jeff looks up at the noise but he doesn't ask. I wish he would. If someone outright asks me, I can't lie or try to pretend it's anything other than what it is. But this? This… wondering? I don't know what the fuck to do with it.
He lets us fall into a silence that I'm unsure of how to break. I feel it pick at my skin every second I leave us in it, but it feels like all the bravado in my system is gone in this moment.
"You don't have to," he finally says, releasing me from this moment. His eyebrows are drawn down again when I look up at him. "I don't know everything that happened when Blake was with Danny. I know the basic gist – obviously – but… you don't have to get specific."
I want to get specific with him. With anyone that asks me. Cause I'm tired of harboring this whole thing inside of me. Blake fucked Danny up. And I know Blake's got his own shit going on but… it doesn't excuse him. He's the reason I'm in this stupid mess in the first place.
Jeff wouldn't agree but… I think I can justify blaming this whole thing on Blake. Just for a little while.
He gives me a few moments longer in silence before he nudges the paper bag toward me. "Try the muffin. It's the best thing ever."
I hesitate for a few seconds but he's insistent so I tear into the packaging. He's grinning as I pinch off a bite with my fingers. And I have to admit, it's pretty fucking good.
"I died when I had one," Jeff says, letting out a laugh when I roll my eyes. "For real, though. Good, aren't they?"
I nod, breaking it in half. I push the paper bag with one half on it back toward Jeff. He smiles softly, quickly swiping up his half of the muffin.
"So what else is going on with you? I feel like I haven't seen you in forever," Jeff says around a mouthful of muffin. He's actually catching the crumbs falling out of his mouth and shoveling them back into his mouth… sometimes I have no idea what Star sees in him.
"I went to see my dad last night."
I don't know why I said it. Maybe cause I just can't stop thinking about it.
Jeff pauses chewing, meeting my gaze. He swallows, setting his muffin down again. "Okay… uhh… is he still…?"
I don't think he really knows what he's asking. I don't know if he knows that my dad's in the hospital. Kwan didn't know until I told him. Maybe Jeff doesn't either. And from the way he's eyeing up my bruises, I think he's more concerned with that than my dad.
"In the hospital?" I ask.
Jeff nods. "Yeah, was last night your first time seeing him since…" He hesitates before gesturing to me. I'm assuming he means the bruises. "…this happened?"
I swallow hard, discarding the rest of my muffin on the bag next to his. I'm not hungry anymore.
"Yeah." I rub my hands together to dust off the crumbs. Jeff's watching me and I feel the need to offer up something. "It was kind of… surreal."
"I can imagine. Are you doing okay?"
Why couldn't Alex have asked me that? He was so concerned with making sure I knew I shouldn't be seeing my dad anymore, he didn't even ask me how I was feeling. I would have been honest with him. I would have admitted that I feel like shit. That a part of me fucking regrets going to see Dad.
I shrug, turning my gaze out to the empty café around us. I wish this was easier to talk about. I wish I didn't feel my breath catch in my throat when I think of him.
"I don't know," I admit into the silence.
Jeff exhales softly. His hand on mine surprises me, dragging my stare back to him. He lifts one corner of his mouth, almost in apology.
"It's okay, you know. You can feel… whatever you feel about this. I'm not going to judge you."
I feel so much shit about this. Pissed off that Alex didn't pick up that this visit fucked with me. And it was so fucking weird to see my own father lying in a hospital bed. I don't know what I feel about this. And I don't know if I want to talk about it anymore.
"Thanks… I appreciate that."
Jeff seems to get something from my expression cause he pulls his hand away, easily directing the conversation elsewhere.
"So." He nods to my half of the muffin with a sly grin. "Are you going to finish your half or can I devour that too?"
I snort, pushing the bag toward him. "Eat up, dude.
Meeting up with Jeff was a really good idea.
Nervous is far too simple of a word to describe the way I feel when we get to Dale's place. The penthouse apartment he lives in with his parents feels like it's worlds away from where I've lived my whole life. Not to mention… at some point tonight, Danny will walk through the door.
"My boys," Dale answers the door with, grinning at the pair of us. Music is already pumping throughout the apartment and past his shoulder, I can see a small group of people awkwardly dancing along to it. I can't see Danny and it makes my gut sink.
Dale leans against the doorframe, raising an eyebrow. "Guessing you two forgot that you both owe me a case of beer. Delivery or you don't get in."
Mitch calls something and when Dale looks over his shoulder, Jeff ducks under his arm and slips into the apartment. Jeff grins and holds his hands up in mock surrender. The gesture makes Dale laugh and he pushes away from the doorframe.
I follow him into the apartment, nervous hands and shaky breaths tying me up into knots. Drunk girls are hanging off the arms of my teammates and some of my friends are already so fucking plastered, they can't even walk straight.
"So what's going on?" Dale asks, leading us into the living room. There's no one in here – save for us and Mitch.
Mitch is settled on the couch but he scoots over when Dale drops down next to him. Dale leans over, giving him an obscenely aggressive kiss. Mitch even lets out a tiny squeak.
"Dale," he calls softly, his face red as he turns to look between me and Jeff. "Sorry. He's already a little drunk."
He rolls his eyes when Dale mumbles that he's barely tipsy. "Is Star coming?"
Jeff shrugs, sinking down on the floor in front of the couch. He ditches his jacket on the fireplace and I follow suit.
"Don't know," he says. "She's gonna make an attempt but apparently her parents are on her about partying."
"Ugh, I hate that. My dad didn't want me coming tonight either," Paulina says as she enters the room. She gives me a smile as she crosses the room, claiming the empty cushion beside Mitch.
She looks around the room before her gaze focuses on me. She wrinkles her nose like she does when she's confused. I almost forgot how cute that is.
"I thought Danny was coming with you…?" she asks.
Dale's got a sympathetic expression on his face as he pulls away from Mitch. Even Jeff turns to look at me a little. I was kind of hoping no one would notice.
"He's meeting me here," I say. If I speak it out loud, that means it has to happen.
They're all still looking at me – like I need some kind of sympathy. I can't take it. Danny's coming. He has to.
"I'm gonna get a drink," I say, hesitating only a second longer before I leave the living room.
There's a handful of people in the hall between the living room and kitchen, dancing along to the music. It's not so much dancing as it is drunk stumbling but still. They're all still vertical so… that's something.
A couple people are in the kitchen but I don't pay them attention. I head straight for the keg set up on the counter and pour myself a cup. I gotta get something to wash away this feeling. Alcohol's never let me down before.
Near the back of the kitchen, a guy's sitting against one wall, cradling his head in his hands. He's got a cloth pressed to his forehead and someone's sitting next to him. Somebody with black hair and-
For a second, my heart lurches. For a single moment, I think it's him. But his body language's totally wrong. It's not Danny – it's Blake.
He recognizes me when I can't tear my gaze away. One corner of his mouth lifts in a small smile and he offers up a wave.
I consider leaving without saying a word but I don't know that I want to go back to the living room. I don't want everyone in there to give me more sympathetic looks. Everything's fine – Danny's just making sure he's not going to be the first person to show up.
"Hey."
My voice sounds scratchy to my own ears but Blake doesn't comment on it.
"Hey. Just get here?" he asks, glancing toward the guy sitting next to him before he's focused on me again. "You came with Jeff, right?"
I nod, sipping from my beer. Ugh. Leave it to Dale to put out shitty beer for the party-goers. I'll make sure to raid his liquor cabinet when no one's looking.
"Who's your friend?" I ask, nodding toward the slumped figure.
Blake looks his way again, shrugging one shoulder. "Said his name is Tommy." He looks back to me when the guy groans softly. "We're waiting on his sister to come pick him up."
"I'm such a lightweight," the guy moans.
Blake laughs softly, patting him on the knee. "Nah. You're fine. It's better she picks you up and makes sure you're okay."
Tommy groans again, not relinquishing his hold on his head. Damn, the party's barely started. Maybe he is a lightweight.
"Has she texted yet?" Blake asks, scooting closer to him. He leans over to look at the phone when Tommy pulls it from his jeans pocket. "Okay, she's almost here then. You want to go down to the parking lot and wait for her?"
Tommy breathes out slowly as he nods, lifting his head just high enough for me to see a flash of red across his forehead. What the hell happened to him?
Blake stands, looping Tommy's arm around his shoulders. He sways a little and I guess Tommy's a little heavier than he anticipated.
I set my beer on the counter and the words just kind of tumble out of me. "You want some help?"
Blake looks at me, his expression screwed up – like he's trying to make sure he heard me right. There's a moment of hesitation as Tommy presses the cloth back to the gash on his forehead. But Blake nods and I move to join them.
We slowly make our way across the kitchen. Once we're in the hallway, a girl from the crowd breaks away and opens the door for us.
Blake keeps his arm around Tommy's back and we get to the elevators without too much trouble. Once we're inside, Tommy leans against the wall, pulling the cloth away to look at his reflection in the door's shiny surface.
"She's gonna freak when she sees the blood," he says softly.
"You want me to talk to her?" Blake asks but Tommy's quick to shake his head.
"No." He presses the cloth to his forehead again with a sigh. His eyes fall closed as he shakes his head. "It's better I just get it over with."
Blake pats him on the back, looking past him at me. "You don't have to wait with us in the parking lot if you don't want to."
I shrug and start to say I probably won't but the doors part before I can speak. The three of us cross the lobby slowly, earning curious glances from everyone we pass. Tommy won't lift his head from the cloth now – not that I can blame him.
We get outside and Tommy sits on the curb in front of the apartment building. Blake crouches next to him, rubbing his hand in a circular motion between Tommy's shoulder blades.
It's freezing out and Blake doesn't have a jacket on. I'm wearing a red sweater Mom got me last winter and a long-sleeved t-shirt underneath that but my coat's upstairs. For half a second, I almost offer Blake my sweater. But Tommy's sister pulls up before I can get the words out.
"You think you can stand again?" Blake asks, looping his arm around Tommy's back. I get his other side and we help him to the passenger side of his sister's car.
Her face pales when she gets a look at him. As soon as he's within reach, she swats him on the arm.
"Tommy! Jesus, you scared the shit out of me. Mom and Dad are going to kill you – you realize that, right?"
He groans, buckling his seatbelt with one hand as he turns to look at us again. "Thanks for the help."
Blake leans forward to fist bump him through the open window. "Sure. Get some rest, man – I'll see you at school."
Tommy weakly nods, leaning back in the passenger seat as the window rolls up. Blake steps back onto the sidewalk with me.
The car starts away from us and Blake lets out a breath. It hangs in the air as he turns to me. I catch the faint smile on his face, illuminated by the streetlamps.
"Thanks for your help. Not sure I could have gotten him down here myself," Blake says, his expression lightening the longer he talks.
I shrug, burying my hands in my pockets. "What happened to him?"
He lifts one shoulder. "He was already pretty tipsy when he came in. I guess he was drinking on the way over. Anyway – he was dancing with his friends and got on the table. Hit his head when he fell off."
"Shit."
Blake nods, humming softly in response. It's quiet between us for all of five seconds before my brain-to-mouth filter malfunctions. I don't know why I say it.
"What made you decide to play nurse maid?"
His expression screws up – eyebrows draw down, mouth pulls into a frown. It didn't come out the way I meant it. It sounds harsher out loud.
"I don't know," Blake says.
There's an awkward, tangible silence between us as he nods to the front door of the apartment building. He waits beside me for a second before he starts for it. I'm quick to follow him, my insides shivering from the cold now.
I follow him inside and over to the elevators and he presses the up button. We're left in this weighted silence for a few seconds but Blake's quick to break it.
"I just remember when that was me, you know?" He looks at me with the words. He drags his fingers across his scalp, sighing heavily. "Wasted at a party – nobody looking out for me. Well… until Jeff came along."
"I thought you guys knew each other in elementary school," I say. I don't know why it pops into my head.
Blake shakes his head. The elevator arrives and he steps on, putting his arm in front of the doors for me. It's not like they'd close that quickly. But still… the gesture is nice. And all kinds of strange, too.
"No, we met in freshman year. Feels like forever ago now." He leans back against the wall, closing his eyes.
We're plunged into silence until the elevator arrives at Dale's floor. I get out of the elevator first and half-turn back for Blake. I don't know why – I just feel like I should.
"Did Danny come with you?"
I feel like ice shoots through my veins with the question. My heart twinges at the thought and I hate having to shake my head.
"No, he's meeting me here."
Blake nods slowly, pausing in front of Dale's door. He raps his knuckles against it before looking my way again. "Try not to worry too much. He'll show up."
"How do you know?"
It comes out almost accusatory and I hate it. Blake's trying to… I don't know, to be nice? I shouldn't be throwing it back at him like this.
Blake shrugs. "He cares about you. Trust me, he'll show."
Mitch answers the door this time, looking between us in confusion. "Hey," he greets softly, opening the door wider for the both of us. "Come in… again."
I step past Mitch into the apartment, feeling my heart in my throat. I feel like Danny should be here now but… it's only nine-thirty. He's probably taking his time, making sure he won't be the first to show up.
"You want to grab a drink?" Blake asks, starting for the kitchen anyway.
I don't really feel like getting drunk but I follow him. I tell myself it's too soon to text him but I type a message to him anyway. It takes actual effort to sound conversational but… I think I pull it off.
To: Danny
Hey, I just got here. See you soon
I have to resist the urge to add a stupid emoji just to make myself feel like I'm less invested in this. Of course I'm fucking invested in this – it's Danny.
"You want another beer?" Blake asks, eyeing up the keg before he turns back to me. "Or you wanna raid Dale's liquor cabinet instead?"
Danny doesn't text back. He could be driving already but… I get the sense that he's ignoring the message. Shitty beer's not gonna get me through this.
"Liquor cabinet. Definitely."
Blake makes himself a drink with some vodka and fruit juices he finds in Dale's fridge. I drink a couple shots of whiskey, feeling the burn all the way down.
My heart races every time the someone knocks on the door but it's never Danny. After ten-thirty hits, I stop checking when the door sounds.
Jeff's disappeared somewhere further into the apartment but Blake's still in the kitchen with me. He's sitting on the counter next to me, swinging his legs back and forth as he sips from another drink – this one a slightly different concoction.
He looks happier than he has in a while. I almost want to ask why but… I'm not sure that I care. Taking care of one drunk guy at a party doesn't undo the shit he did to Danny.
I'm staring down at the empty glass in my hand, debating going back for more, when Blake takes the glass out of my hands.
Blake sticks his tongue out when I look at him, setting the glass next to him on the counter. "Stop worrying. He's probably taking his time getting here. You realize he lives an hour away from here, right?"
I mentally calculate the mileage in my head. And… he's right. Danny's house is almost exactly an hour from here. Something about Blake knowing that rubs me the wrong way and I have to ask.
"How'd you know that?"
He blinks slowly. "Uhh… I used to go to his place all the time?"
Fuck. I'm blaming the whiskey on this one – I don't know how the fuck that slipped my mind. He used to go to Danny's place all the time. Fucking duh.
Blake laughs a little when I run my hand through my hair. He sips from his drink again, the ice clinking together inside the glass.
"Look, don't spend the whole party worrying. Just try to relax with your friends." He hesitates a moment before he leans over, placing his hand on my arm. "He'll show up, okay?"
"How do you know?"
I'm not sure if I mean to ask the question or not but it's burning in my gut. Unless he talked to him about this situation, Blake has no idea if Danny's gonna show up or not. He's just saying what I want to hear.
Blake sighs heavily, pulling away to set his glass down next to mine. "Because if I were him, I couldn't not show up for you. Especially knowing how good you look in that sweater."
What the fuck?
I think my brain shuts down for a few seconds. Blake likes the way this sweater looks on me? He's noticed shit like that?
He waits all of sixty seconds before he dooms my brain too far gone to respond. He lets out a breath and picks up his drink again. "All I'm saying is that… I don't know. If Danny's as gay as I am, he'd show up at least to get a look at you. If it were me, I'd definitely be here."
It's like his words are barely registering in my mind. Or… maybe not that. It's like… I can't make the words he's saying match up with the person saying them. He's my almost-boyfriend's ex. How is he saying that shit with a straight face?
"Blake, I…"
Words fail me, just like they always have. It's weird. This is Blake. And I'm still me. No brazen compliment is going to change that. No matter how many wasted people he helps up off the floor, he still did what he did.
"Thanks. I'm gonna go mingle," I say, my voice flat even to my own ears.
Something shifts in Blake's expression as he drops his stare down to his glass. He nods but doesn't say anything. I almost want him to. But he stays silent so I leave the kitchen.
The nervous energy from earlier is still thrumming through my veins. I take a look at the people now crowded in the living room, dancing to the music pumping from Dale's speaker system. I briefly wonder where Dale and Mitch have disappeared to before I decide that I don't care.
I go upstairs, part of me hoping that I just somehow missed Danny's arrival. Like maybe he's searching the top floor for me and we'll just bump into each other. Cause life always works out like a fucking movie.
It's darker up here. Like nobody's bothered to turn on any of the lights. Most of the people that have wandered up here are making out in the hallway or pulling each other into empty bedrooms. I think that could have been me and Danny if he'd shown up.
He's not in any of the open bedrooms or bathrooms upstairs. I don't know why I feel the need to check each one – he's not here. He hasn't responded to my text either. He's blowing me off.
"Dash, hey! I've been looking all over for you."
Valerie's standing just behind me, a Red Solo cup in her hand. She's grinning when I turn around but she quickly takes in the bruises littering my face. I guess they're horrible even in dim lighting.
"Shit." She sets her cup down on a table just outside one of the closed bedrooms. She starts to reach for me but something stops her. The hesitation takes me back all those months to that day in the classroom. When she asked me to have dinner with her and her dad to avoid me going home.
I let out a breath, nodding toward one of the open bedrooms. If we have to do this, I'd rather not risk having an audience. "You want to talk?"
Valerie nods, taking my hand in hers. I lead her to one of the empty bedrooms and turn the light on. I don't know if this is a guest bedroom or Dale's. I'd like to think Dale has a better decorating sense than the ugly curtains hanging up but… who knows.
I let go of Valerie's hand and cross over to the bed. She pushes the door shut before following after me. And once she's sitting beside me, it's like she doesn't know what to do. She reaches for me again – like she wants to touch my face – but she stops herself.
"I heard about your dad," she says, her voice barely above a whisper.
I close my eyes, picturing him lying in that hospital bed. How still he looked. It doesn't matter that Valerie knows. Half the town has probably heard about it by now. What's one more person?
"I'm sorry."
I don't need her apologies. I don't need anyone's.
"It's fine." I open my eyes, offering up a pathetic shrug as my response. "He's gonna be fine so… that's all that matters."
Valerie's expression screws up and she slowly shakes her head. "I heard talk that it happened because of a burglary…? I don't know. I don't buy it."
"What do you mean?"
She looks away from me, sinking her teeth into bottom lip. The action reminds me of Danny. A lot of things remind me of him lately.
"I don't know," she starts slowly, turning to look back at me. "It's just… I don't know how to tell you this."
"Just say it." I lay down on the mattress, staring up at the ceiling fan. Definitely not Dale's room. He'd never put up with something that ugly.
Valerie sighs. "Do you remember when I stole that evidence for you? All that stuff about phantom?"
I nod. How could I forget?
She's quiet again and I flick my stare to the empty, hollow paintings on the wall. I wonder what they mean. Danny would probably know. Though he'd probably joke that they roughly translated to "tasteless."
"I don't know, Dash. After it happened, I got the sense that the people I work for thought your dad had something to do with it."
It takes a second for her words to register. I'm still staring at those ugly paintings when it clicks in my mind. They think my dad stole their evidence?
"Are you serious?" I look to her as I sit up and she's quick to nod. She takes my hand in hers again but I don't get it. "He's got nothing to do with them. Why the hell would they think he did it?"
Valerie shakes her head. "I don't know. I'm still trying to figure everything out. I could be wrong."
Why would she be wrong? If life's got a chance to fuck with me, why the hell wouldn't it? Feels like everything lately has just been waiting to screw me over.
I run my hand down my face, suppressing a wince at the pain it brings. "Okay. Thanks for telling me."
"You can't really go poking around asking questions, okay?" Valerie sighs when I shrug. "I'm serious, Dash."
I pull my hand from hers and take my phone out. Eleven-thirty stares back at me. Danny's not fucking coming.
"I should go." I get up from the bed.
"Why? Where are you going?" Valerie sounds confused with the question, like she doesn't know why she's asking it.
"I don't know, I just… I need to get out of here. I'm sorry. I hope you enjoy the rest of the party." I offer up what smile I can but Valerie frowns.
She grabs my wrist when I turn for the door. "Hey, why are you leaving?"
"Val, come on. Let me-"
"It's me, Dash. What's going on?"
I don't want to tell her how hung up I am on Danny. How he stood me up and how much it's fucking with me. He doesn't want me. And it feels like knives in my chest.
"I just want to go." I weakly tug against her but she won't give in.
She doesn't ask again. I leave us in weighted silence for a few seconds longer. But I know she won't let me go unless I give up the truth.
"Danny was supposed to meet me here tonight." I swallow hard and the rest burns on the way out. "He stood me up."
Valerie makes a soft noise. "Stood you up? Like-"
"I kissed him." I turn back to look at her, huffing out a sigh. "I kissed him before Christmas and things were fine and now it's…"
I don't finish the sentence. I don't know how to. Things are just fucked up but I don't know why. I was hoping Danny would come here tonight and explain but that's a lost cause. He's not interested in talking.
She tsks softly. "I'm sorry. That's horrible."
Is it though? If we were bound to fuck things up between us eventually, isn't it better this way? What did Danny say – give up before we both got too attached?
"It's whatever." I pull my hand from her grip now and she lets me go. I open the door and look back at her over my shoulder. "I'll see you around."
Valerie follows me out of the room and stops me before I can start down the stairs. She pulls me into a hug, resting her cheek against my shoulder. I feel the sigh reverberate through her. It makes me sigh in return.
"I'm sorry, Dash. You deserve better than that," she says softly. She hesitates for a second, maybe waiting to see if I'm going to say something. But I stay silent so she plunges on. "I want to hang out with you soon. Before you go back to school."
Oh… right. Val's done with school now. She's one of those students that's in the weird state of limbo where they're technically done but aren't graduating until June along with the rest of us.
"Yeah. I'll try to make it happen." I pull away from her, letting out a breath. "Kinda got a lot going on right now but… text me. We'll try to make it work."
She nods, leaning up to gently kiss my cheek. "For sure. I'm gonna miss the hell out of you."
"Gonna miss you too." I give her a smile that doesn't feel entirely forced.
I go downstairs again, in search of Jeff now. I doubt he'll want to leave yet but I don't want him to worry about me. I'll just take an Uber home.
As I pull my phone out, intent on texting him if I don't find him, I head toward the living room. I have a fleeting moment where I wonder if Star is here. But everything floods from my mind as soon as I step into the living room.
Danny's sitting on the arm of the couch, looking fucking ridiculously sexy in his jeans and white dress shirt. A thin black tie is loosely tied around his neck and the thoughts I have of him right now are fucking sinful.
He's laughing along with Mitch at some story that Paulina's telling and I'm… standing here. With my heart in my throat and nerves completely frayed. He's here. He showed up.
He notices me then and I steel myself before I start toward him, pushing my way through the crowd. Danny leans over to say something to Mitch, who nods, before he's pulling away, standing up from the arm of the couch.
I don't know what to say when I come to a stop in front of him. I'm just frozen, watching him watch me, and everything I could ever say is trapped somewhere inside me.
"Hi," he says raising his voice to be heard over the music. He tilts his head to one side with a soft smile. He's simultaneously making this easier and harder than it has to be.
I can barely speak but the small hello I manage to spit out makes one corner of his mouth tuck upward. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I asked him to come to this party and now that he's here… I have no fucking clue what to do.
"You never told me what to wear," he says, gesturing to his outfit. "So I kind of went for a half-casual, half-dressy look." He wrinkles his nose, glancing down at his jeans.
I want to tell him that he pulls it off. That he makes me want to pull it off of him. Every last piece until we're just two people at a party, drunk off alcohol and the taste of someone else.
Dale comes back to the couch from wherever he disappeared, sinking down next to Mitch before he glances up at me. "You want a cushion? Mitch can sit on my lap – he doesn't mind."
Mitch's face turns red and he scoffs, swatting Dale on the shoulder. "Shut up."
Danny smiles softly at the pair of them before his gaze shifts to mine again. The smile loses some of its light and I hate myself for it. I don't know why I have to make everything harder for him.
He hesitates a second longer but he's the one to answer Dale, not me. "As fun as that sounds… we'll pass."
I can't breathe as he steps closer to me and fits his hand into mine. He softly whispers that we should talk and I can only nod. It scares me how much I want this. How much I want him. If it all ends tonight… if he decides that we can never be together, I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
He leads me through the living room. "Know any place here that's quieter?"
"The balcony," I say softly, letting out a breath when he looks at me. "It's too cold for anyone to be out there."
He nods and the two of us weave through the crowd to get to the balcony. We almost walk right past it but I point it out to him before we miss it.
Danny opens the door for me and follows me out onto the balcony. A few girls from the cheerleading team are on the way back inside, shivering and freaking out over the cold, and he holds the door for them.
As soon as the door is closed after them, Danny lets out a sigh and leans against the closest wall. It takes me a few moments of silence before I find the bravery to cross over to where he stands and lean against the wall with him.
"I know you're wondering what I've decided." His voice is soft but hesitant on the words. It unnerves me more than it should.
I let out a breath, running my hand through my hair. I don't know how I could see him and not wonder. He looks fucking sexy as hell in what he's wearing. I want to know if this is it. If I get to call him mine or if it ends before it ever began.
"Yeah," is what I come back with and it feels stupid.
Danny looks at me and when I meet his stare, he doesn't look away. He holds my gaze and I feel like I should recognize the look in his eyes. Like it should stir something in me that makes me realize one way or the other what he's decided. But I don't figure it out and he looks away from me.
He pushes away from the wall and moves to the railing, leaning his forearms against it. He stares out at the starlit sky and I can only stare at him. I don't know what needs to be said. What he needs to hear. All I know is that I love the way he tastes and I don't think I can stand to let him go so soon.
"Come here," Danny calls softly, looking over his shoulder at me. His breath hangs in the air when he exhales and he nods toward the railing. "Come look at the stars with me."
I don't know what he means with the simple invite. Is this his way of ending things? Does he not want to be with me at all? Have I been a fucking idiot from the start?
"Dash," he calls softly, turning around to look at me again and I can't resist him. I can never resist him.
I go to him then. Heart in my throat and an anxiousness in my stomach that feels like I've missed a step on my way over to him. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to do any of this. I'd take broken bones and smashed dishes right about now.
I don't know how to be delicate about this kind of stuff, Danny. Please. Teach me to be like you.
Danny fits his arm around my lower back as soon as I'm next to him and he pulls me closer. It sends butterflies racing though me – the kind that makes breathing impossible when they're fluttering through my veins.
"Look out at the stars," he instructs, using one hand to point toward them, a grin lighting up his features when I steal a glance his way. "Come on, seriously. Look – right there." He points at a specific area.
I shift my gaze from him to where he's pointing in the night sky, looking up at all the stars that are billions of light years away from me and him. They're just stars. Hurtling, burning balls of gas. What do they care for boys like me? Boys that fall in love with boys like Danny.
"That's the star you gave me," he says, his voice suddenly closer to me, his breath hot against my neck as he talks. "The Casper star."
He's beaming when I turn to look at him and he nods once before shifting his gaze back to the sky. "I wanted to show you it because… unfortunately, looks like it's gonna burn out in a couple of days. Totally explode in a supernova. Along with a couple of others, actually – according to NASA."
"Why is it gonna burn out?" I ask, my heart pounding hard in my chest on the question.
Danny shrugs one shoulder. "It's exhausted its fuel supply. Doesn't matter, point is – I wanted to show it to you tonight. Before we missed the chance."
He's looking at me then, dragging in a slow breath, and it finally clicks for me. This isn't about the damn star. This is about us. About what we could have been. About what we could still be.
"Danny-"
He steps away from me as he drags his fingers through his hair. He moves several paces away and keeps his back to me. "I think we need to talk."
No. Damn it, no. I didn't want this to happen. I never wanted this to happen. I wanted things to go back to normal between us. Before yesterday. When I went to his house and gave him a kiss that felt like goodbye. I don't want this space. I don't want any part of this.
"I still want to be with you," I blurt out, feeling like an idiot the second he tenses up. "I'm sorry, I just… I don't want to miss this chance. You're… really important to me."
He lets out a heavy breath, turning around to look at me. "You're important to me too. Which is why… I don't know if I can do this." He rubs the back of his neck, looking away from me. "It's hard. This… isn't like before. I never cared this much about any of my boyfriends before we got together. I've never been friends with any of my boyfriends before."
Let me be the one to change that. Please.
"I know it's hard," I breathe, chancing a step closer to him. He barely looks at me at the movement but he doesn't move backward. "But I'm not… w-we don't have to rush into this, okay? I'm fine if we take this whole thing slow. Really slow. We can-"
"Dash." He chews on the inside of his lip in silence for a few agonizing seconds before he meets my gaze again with a heavy sigh. "I don't think I can take things slow. Not with you." He flushes at that, a groan tumbling from him. "You're you and I'm… god, I really like you."
His words send a rush of bravado through my system and like an idiot, I let them fuel me. I close more of the distance between us but it's too much. It's too sudden and he retreats. He keeps space between us, his back up against a wall.
He shakes his head when he looks up and I don't know if the gesture is for me or for him.
"I want you," I admit, feeling so fucking naked in front of him. It's the truth. I want him. In any way or form that I can have him. I want this. I want what we had before everything got fucked up. I want us.
"I don't know if I can give myself to you. Not the way you'd want me to," he whispers, shaking his head. He blows out a breath and squeezes his eyes closed. He leans his head back against the wall, groaning softly. "God, when did everything get so complicated?"
My heart's in my throat. Chest heaving. I can barely breathe around him and I don't know what he wants me to say. I don't know anything. I just know that I want him. I know that better than anything else.
"We can figure this out. We can… do this however you need us to," I whisper, chancing a few paces toward him again.
He opens his eyes, staring at me and I swallow hard, taking another step until our feet are inches apart. Until I'm close enough to kiss him.
He sighs again, running his tongue along his teeth. "I don't know, Dash. I just… I don't know."
Short of begging, I don't know what to tell him. I can't stomach the thought of pushing him again. But is it really pushing if it's just a simple question?
"I need to know." I find one of his hands with my own, intertwining our fingers together. I can barely breathe as he blinks up at me. Fuck. It's just four words. "Do you want this?"
He groans, turning away from me as his eyes fall closed. He doesn't say anything for several long moments and in the silence, I hear my teammates shouting inside. They're counting down to the New Year. Two minutes to go.
"I want a lot of things," he responds, shaking his head as he meets my gaze again. "And everything can be so confusing sometimes and I… I get scared. I get scared a lot and I make stupid decisions and I don't want to put you through it."
He could put me through hell and I'd let him. I'd walk through the flames if he asked me to.
Danny drags his fingers through his hair. "I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't." I swallow hard when he meets my gaze again. I squeeze his hand in my own, feeling like my heart's at his feet in this moment. "We'll figure this out. We'll figure it all out. I just… I only need to know one thing."
He holds my gaze, exhaling out slowly and the question is sitting between us. Inside Dale's apartment, I can hear everyone counting down. Thirty seconds to the New Year.
Danny blinks against the tears suddenly gathered in his eyes and lets out a shaky breath. "How could I not want you?" he asks, reaching for me as soon as the words are out of his mouth. He slides his hands around my neck and drags me closer to him.
Our foreheads rest against each other's and the breath he lets out is punctuated with a whimper. I slide my arms around his back, pulling him into a hug.
I duck down to press a kiss to his neck and it makes him shiver. But it's okay. He wants this, I want this – it's gonna work out. We're gonna make it work.
"Ten seconds till midnight," he whispers and faintly, I can hear the others inside, counting down the seconds. Danny's breath hits my neck again and the feeling is dizzying. "Kiss me at midnight?"
I pull away from him, taking him in as he smiles before I lean closer to him.
My mouth hovers over his, our breath mingling together until the last second is up. Our friends start cheering inside and it's almost like they're cheering for us. Like we're at the end of a goddamn movie and they're all watching the highlight reel instead of these bumpy outtakes we both keep having.
We crash into each other, a chaste kiss that's easily deepened when he slides his tongue between my lips. I let him explore my mouth as I press him up against the wall. He moans softly into my mouth, wrapping his legs around my waist. It sends sparks through me and everything around us just becomes background noise to this moment.
His every kiss drives me wild and when I pull away for air, he chases after me. I meet him each time, exchanging kisses I thought we wouldn't get to share anymore.
It's not going to be easy. Beginnings never are. But we're in it together. From here on out, we're in this whole beautiful, crazy mess together.
A/N:
Yoooo! Thanks for checking out this update – I hope you enjoyed!
I know it's been over a month and honestly, next update's probably gonna be the same. I think I've decided on dedicating the camp session that happens in April to Stay rather than anything else so… here's to putting another 60k on it next month
So, this update… what'd you think? I'm kind of dying cause I've had this scene planned since the early plotting days. Fun fact: this was actually supposed to be their first kiss rather than that kiss in the shower but when I was further into the fic, I realized just how perfect that shower kiss scene was gonna be and well… you all know which one I went with lol
What do you think of Danny being all hesitant to make this work with Dash? Does it make sense giving what he's been through? Also, thoughts on the Facebook chat conversation between Dash and Dale? I was dying while writing it and also while editing it – what can I say, I have to make myself laugh before I can hope to make anyone else laugh too lol
The title of this chapter comes from Start of Something Good by Daughtry. I had so many title ideas for this chapter but… I think this one fits the most. As always, if you have song suggestions, I'd love to hear from you either in the comments or on my tumblr – jaeger-soul
Now, remember last update – when I talked all about the Wiki my friend Astro and I created for this? I've got something else up my sleeve for you all – there's finally a Discord server in place for this fic!
I spoke about this on my tumblr but I'm thinking of streamlining updates/notes regarding chapter updates and sharing them via a specific Discord channel rather than having them all over the place on my tumblr. And Astro was pretty fucking brilliant and came up with the idea of having a channel dedicated to discussing chapter updates, which I thought was pretty cool
If you're interested in any of these things I've mentioned, send me a message on tumblr and I'll give you the link!
I think that's pretty much everything I wanted to talk about regarding this chapter update. Again, thanks for reading and as for the next one – expect lots of making out, boys being adorable, angst (cause when isn't there?), and *drum roll please* their first OFFICIAL date! :O
Thanks again for checking this out – see you all next update!
