With everyone inside distracted by the celebrations, Danny and I slip inside unnoticed. I let him lead me by the hand up a flight of stairs and into a bedroom near the back of the apartment.

He closes the door after us and turns to look at me. There's a look in his eyes that I can't place. But when he locks the door, something in the pit of my stomach jumps into my throat.

He sweeps his gaze down my body and presses his hand against my chest, kicking his shoes off in silence.

"God, I love the way this looks on you," he confesses, a pretty flush staining his cheeks.

Neither of us can stand the distance for long and we end up trading heady kisses and compliments as we stumble toward the bed. He falls backward and pulls me down on top of him, a soft laugh tumbling from him.

I kiss the side of his neck, one hand working to undo his tie. He groans softly at the contact, or maybe where I'm placing my kisses. When I pull away, he's quick to tug my sweater over my head.

I undo the buttons on the front of his dress shirt, and he fists handfuls of my shirt, dragging me down to meet his lips again. We kiss, our tongues speaking a language only the two of us understand. It's breathtaking. Mesmerizing.

Danny doesn't say anything, but my t-shirt comes off as soon as we part, and he slides his arms from his dress shirt. Our clothes are abandoned on the floor and when I kick my shoes off, Danny drags me into another kiss.

I pull away from his lips after only a second, trailing kisses down the front of his white undershirt. He groans at the contact and something shoots through me. Everything we're leading up to hits me. I've wanted to do this with him for so long and I've dreamt of this before but… I don't know what to do with this now that we're here. Now that it's happening.

"What's wrong?" Danny breathes, sliding his hand into my hair. He softly brushes my hair back when I look up at him. He tilts his head to one side, his chest heaving underneath me. "You okay?"

I duck down to place another kiss to his stomach and when he groans softly, I kiss him again.

"Dash," he actually whines my name. His shaky breath shouldn't have this much hold over me.

He tilts my chin up to look at him again, pulling me closer. His lips press a gentle kiss to mine, and he asks it again. "What's wrong?"

I don't want to admit it. How long I've been thinking of this and how much I've been wanting him and how… I don't want to screw it up. Sex complicates things. What if I'm worse at it than I thought? What if he hates it with me?

"Dash." His voice is firmer this time, and when I meet his gaze, he raises an eyebrow.

I don't want to confess the truth, but I don't know what to tell him. I want this. I want him. But not like this. Not here. Not while our friends are downstairs, drinking and partying. I don't want to fuck him at a party the way someone else used to. I want our time together to be on purpose – not a matter of convenience.

"I just… think we should take things slow," I whisper, practically holding my breath after I've said it.

He's quiet for a few seconds, absent-mindedly running his hand through my hair. He watches me in silence, tracing my bottom lip with one finger and sending shivers through me.

"Okay," he says softly, offering up a smile with the words. He slides his hands down to my shoulders, pulling me closer. "Do you want to go back downstairs?"

I shake my head, and he tilts his to one side. Watches me in silence for a few seconds longer. I feel like he's trying to get something out of my expression. I don't know if he does or not.

"Do you want to lay here for a while?"

I nod and he scoots back on the bed. He lies on his back, watching me settle next to him, but he offers up his hand for me to hold. I bring it up to my mouth, pressing my lips to his knuckles and he smiles at the action.

"Anyone ever tell you that you're a dork?" he asks, voice barely above a whisper.

I shrug one shoulder, and he leans close enough to kiss my cheek.

"You're the dorkiest dork I ever met, Baxter," he whispers, his breath hot and enticing against my neck. God, I want him. I want every part of him.

He scoots closer to me and rests his head against my chest, his hair tickling the underside of my chin. He smells amazing. Like everything I've ever wanted.

This moment is better than any dream I've ever had about him. His head against my chest and my hand pressed to his warm back. This is everything my stupid, lovesick heart could have ever hoped for.


I don't know what time it is when we fall asleep, but I wake early in the morning. The first rays of sunlight are streaming in through the blinds and Danny's peacefully sleeping next to me. His hair's messed up and his shirt has ridden up just a little in his sleep, giving me a glimpse of the skin just above his pelvis.

He's frowning – like whatever he's dreaming of is dark – and I press kisses to the side of his face and neck until he melts into my touch. He scoots closer to me and I bury my face in the crook of his neck, snuggling into his warmth before sleep takes me far away again.


When my eyes open again, Danny's awake next to me, walking his fingers up and down my chest. He doesn't notice that I'm awake and it gives me a chance to take in his expression. His blissed out, innocent fucking expression.

He blushes immediately when he finds me staring at him.

"Morning," he delicately greets, ducking his head to snuggle closer to me. He presses a kiss to my neck that has me groaning as I slide my arm around his back.

"I can't believe we fell asleep," he mumbles against my chest.

"Dale's gonna have a field day with this. I hope you know that."

I laugh when he groans, and press a kiss to the top of his head. It feels natural. Like the two of us were meant to do this. Wake up next to each other.

Danny pulls away from me, a teasing glint in his eyes. "Your heart's pounding like crazy," he tells me, a smile cracking the serious expression on his face. "And we should probably get the teasing from Dale over with."

He shifts away from me, but I catch his hand before he can slide off the bed. He turns back to look at me and I lean forward to press a kiss to the back of his hand. He snorts at the action and tugs his hand free from mine.

"Come on, I'm hungry. And I'm not doing the walk of shame out of here on my own."

I follow him out of the bed and stretch my arms over my head, cracking all the necessary joints in the process. Danny's watching me, and he flushes when I look his way.

"Like what you see?" I joke and he rolls his eyes.

Danny fits his hand into mine before tugging me toward the door with a sigh. "Mitch is a good guy… he'll tell Dale to stop teasing us after a few minutes, right?" he asks, looking back at me when we reach the door.

I doubt Dale would stop teasing us for anybody, but I nod at Danny, smiling when he sighs again. "Relax, it'll be over with soon. Come on, let's get some coffee. If they've saved us any." I slide my arm around his shoulders and fit him against my chest as I open the door.

As soon as we reach the stairs, I lose my nerve and withdraw my arm from his shoulders. In the past, when Paulina and I would come out of some bedroom at whoever's party we were at, we'd be hanging all over each other. I'd grin and fist-bump whichever of my teammates were around, but this… doesn't feel like that.

Danny bumps his shoulder against mine, smiling at me when I look his way. He doesn't wait longer than a second before he's walking down the stairs and I'm quick to follow him. I don't want to show him off to my teammates. I want to keep him all to myself.

But there's still no escaping this walk of shame so… might as well get it over with.

Mitch is at the stove when Danny and I come into the kitchen. Dale's sitting at the breakfast bar. He grins from behind a mug of coffee and I regret everything. This is gonna be so much worse than I thought it'd be.

"Well, good morning, you two," Dale says, running his tongue along his top teeth. "Enjoy the guest bedroom last night?"

I roll my eyes and Danny steps away from me, slinking over to Mitch. He quietly asks if Mitch needs any help and my teammate gives him a sympathetic look before offering him an out. He tells Danny something he can do but I'm distracted by Dale's snicker from across the bar.

I brace my palms against the bar. "What?"

He shrugs, covering his grin with his coffee mug. Mitch sends him a look, but Dale doesn't see it before he's setting his mug down again, a fucking evil glint in his eyes now.

"Be glad you two stumbled into that room. I just replenished the condom stock in there."

Fuck him. Fuck him and everything he's ever said, fuck.

"Dale!" Mitch chastises, throwing a kitchen cloth at him with a glare.

Danny's got his back to me, but I can see the flush clear on the back of his neck and the tips of his ears. He won't look at us and even though I try to glare at Dale, it does little to dampen the fucking grin on his face.

I push away from the bar, moving across the kitchen to where Mitch and Danny are. "Need an extra pair of hands?"

"Sure," Mitch responds, giving Dale another glare before he passes a spatula to me. "You ever made omelets before?"

I nod and he easily gives me permission to take over. He moves to Danny's other side and the two of them work on cutting vegetables and various meats while I focus on the one in the pan.

"Omelets are the ultimate hang-over food," Dale calls from his side of the kitchen, and though Mitch lets out a quiet breath, none of us acknowledge him. "Oh come on, you guys are seriously giving me the silent treatment?"

I don't bother turning around but I flip my middle finger up at him. It only makes him laugh but somehow, it breaks the tension in the kitchen and I snort too.

"You fucking suck," I say. I close the omelet and flip it once, leaving it in the pan to melt the cheese a little longer.

Mitch is instructing Danny on how to better cut the onions, and he's nodding but continuing to completely pulverize them.

"Here, let me show him. You watch the omelet instead," I tell Mitch, moving past him when he goes to the stove.

Danny doesn't look up when I come up on his side, but I steal Mitch's knife from the counter and easily take over.

"Still as hopeless as ever, huh?" I tease, bumping his shoulder with mine. "You should have asked me to tutor you in cooking instead of cars."

He rolls his eyes, that pretty blush back on his face.

I set my knife down on the counter again and take Danny's hand in my own. "Here, let me show you." I close his hand around the knife and show him how to cut the onion without completely destroying it. "Short, quick movements, okay? You're not supposed to saw them in half – there's no need to drag out long strokes."

Behind me, Dale starts spluttering and when the innuendo registers in my mind, I almost rip myself away from Danny out of sheer embarrassment. But all it takes is a deep breath and a mental 'fuck you' aimed in Dale's direction to get me back on track.

"Ignore him," I instruct, squeezing Danny's hand in my own.

He's completely red in the face at this point, and the breath he lets out is pinched. But with my help, he manages to cut the onions into pieces that don't look completely inedible. By the time we've finished, the first omelet is done cooking, and Mitch instructs us to start mixing together the ingredients for the next one.

Danny helps me, and when we're finished, Mitch dumps it into the pan, the sizzling noise making my stomach growl. Danny smiles at me when he hears it and after a second of hesitation, he stands on his tip-toes to press a kiss to my cheek.

I think my heart stops for a milli-second at the touch. And when Danny leans away, giving me another smile, I can't keep the grin off my face.

"Hey, loverboy, you gonna stay and help me clean up after breakfast?" Dale asks.

I barely dignify him with a response beyond a fleeting look, but he's grinning again. He's always been bad about teasing any of us in the past when we're doing the walk of shame, but this feels different. More personal in a way that I don't think he realizes it does.

Almost like… we're the same now. Cause we both happen to be with guys this time.

"Still getting your kicks out of making fun of me, huh?" I ask, wandering close to the bar again.

He grins at me, guzzling down orange juice from a fucking wine glass. "Why stop a good thing?" he asks, offering up a wink as some lame excuse for torturing me this early in the morning.

"You know what they say… if you're talking about somebody else's action, you're not getting any of your own," Danny says, his voice clear as a fucking bell in the kitchen.

Dale's face turns red and he splutters over his orange juice, but Mitch breaks out in a fit of laughter. Danny turns around to give us a smirk and Dale ducks his head almost in defeat. Leave it to Danny to bring him and his infinite teasing down a notch.

"I get plenty of action by the way," Dale mutters under his breath, focusing his attention entirely on his food now.

Mitch slides the next omelet onto a plate. "This one's yours if you want it," he says to Danny who shrugs one shoulder.

Danny leans back against the counter with a sigh. "No, give it to Dash. I need to call my mom first."

He digs his phone from his pocket and I know I'm not the only one that can feel the tension in the air now.

"You can talk in the dining room if you want some privacy," Mitch offers, pointing the door out to him. "It's just through there."

Danny looks to where he's pointed before shrugging again. "No, I'm alright. Thanks anyway," he says, hitting call before he brings the phone up to his ear. He folds one arm over his chest, meeting my gaze from across the room. "Better to get this over with."

"Here," Mitch says softly, holding out the plate with the omelet on it toward me. He offers a small smile. "I'll get to work on Danny's."

I take the plate and fork from him, settling down at the bar next to Dale. He wordlessly passes a glass pitcher of orange juice my way and tells me where to find a glass. And then we all hold a collective breath when Danny starts to speak.

"Hey, Mom," he says softly, dropping his gaze to the floor in the silence. He nods once even though she can't see him. "Right, no, I know. I meant to call, I just… didn't get the chance to."

He looks at me at that, a smile quirking his lips upward. I return it instantly, but he loses his as soon as his mom starts to speak again. A sigh is dragged practically from the depths of his soul and I wish this shit didn't weigh on him so heavily.

"Come on. You know me better than that," he says softly, an irritated noise passing his lips before he snaps. "Okay, sure. Fine, you're right. I was out somewhere having lots of unprotected, incredibly gay sex. You've got me."

Mitch is practically frozen at the stove and Dale won't look up from his plate. I'm the only one in the kitchen to see the anger clear in Danny's expression. I don't know what she's saying to fuck with him but… it feels like they've fought about this before.

"That's your issue, Mom." His voice is ice-cold on the words and he rolls his eyes before pushing away from the counter. "Okay, well, I've got to go. No, I'll talk to you when I get there." He sighs again, pinching the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and thumb. "Bye."

He pulls his phone away from his ear, but we can all hear her voice still coming from it. When he ends the call and the kitchen falls silent – save for the sizzling coming from the stove – Danny lets out a heavy breath.

None of us know what to do to break the silence and I feel like it should be me. I feel like I should be the kind of boyfriend to cross the room and sweep him into my arms the moment that something starts to fuck with him. I think I could be that person. But I don't think Danny needs that kind of person.

"You okay?" I ask instead.

He nods once, chewing on his bottom lip before he meets my gaze. Something about my expression must be what he needs in this moment because when he lets out a breath this time, he sounds almost relieved.

"My mom's crazy sometimes," he says, glancing between Mitch and Dale before he focuses on me. "She thinks all the shit with my ex was my fault because…" He sighs again, raking his fingers through his hair before he crosses the kitchen to get to me.

He sinks down on a stool across the bar from me. He drops his phone onto the bar and puts his head in his hands. "She thinks it's my fault because if I just wasn't gay, none of it would have happened. I'd have started dating girls instead and… things wouldn't be so messed up."

"That's bullshit," Dale says, looking up from his plate. He glances at me before he's watching Danny, who won't lift his head from his hands. "Come on, if that's true about you, what does it say for me? Or for Mitch? That what – we should have just dated girls to avoid the school finding out about us?"

Mitch wordlessly crosses over to the bar and sets down a plate and fork in front of Danny. "Eat," he prompts softly, his hand on Danny's back as he leans across the bar to get the orange juice for him. "I'll bring you a cup of coffee after you're finished."

He goes back to the stove then and Danny lifts his head from his hands. He drags the plate closer to him and pokes at the omelet with his fork. Silence has quickly occupied a stool next to us all and Danny's the only one that can do something about it.

I watch bite after bite disappear into his mouth before I finally find the nerve to say something.

"She's wrong," I say softly, dragging in a sharp breath when he looks up at me. "It's not your fault. You know it's not your fault."

Mitch lets out a quiet breath in the silence that's fallen around us, and he turns back to the bar. He watches Danny in silence for a few seconds before he finds his voice. "Danny… can I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

Danny shrugs one shoulder before he sets down his fork and swivels on the stool. "What is it?"

Mitch draws in one breath, slowly letting it out. "Your ex-boyfriend… is Blake, isn't it?"

I watch my starlight boy crumble for a second. He buckles under the weight of Blake's name. He hangs his head for the briefest of moments but he's stronger than that. He's stronger than all of us.

So, he lifts his head again. And gives Mitch a single nod that changes the whole tone of this conversation.

"Fuck, are you kidding me?" Dale asks, mouth hanging open as he looks between me and Danny. "You guys are shitting me, right? Is this some kind of sick revenge for my teasing earlier?"

I shake my head and he swears. Danny turns away from Mitch and one look at me has him reaching across the bar. I link our fingers together instantly. He breathes out a sigh of relief, and his eyes fall closed for a split second. Like I'm the only thing his tired soul will ever need again.

"It was forever ago," he says, trying to play this off. I shouldn't let him – because we both know this shit weighs so heavily on him sometimes he can barely stand.

But maybe there are moments like this one, where he needs to pretend that because it happened in the past, he's okay. That his world doesn't spin when he hears Blake's name. That his heart doesn't stop when he has to pass him in the hallways at school.

Sometimes the pain we feel has to be smaller. Even if it's a lie.

Mitch turns back to the stove, working on his own omelet. I can't see his expression but his posture is tense. Like he has more to say about this mess but now isn't the time. Maybe there'll never be a time.

Danny squeezes my hand before he turns on the stool again, tilting his head to one side as he watches Mitch.

"You know Blake, huh?" he asks softly and for a second, Dale looks at me curiously. We're on the football team with him – of course we know Blake. But… maybe that's not what Danny's really asking.

Mitch lets out a sigh that's heavy enough to rattle dust from his bones and the surprise registers in Dale's expression before it hits me. Mitch knows Blake the way Danny did.

"Yeah," is all he says softly but it's enough. It drags a breath from me and when Danny nods sympathetically, Dale leaves his stool.

He comes up to Mitch and cups his elbow, whispering something quietly to him that Mitch nods at. Dale doesn't seem to know what to do besides that, but he stays beside Mitch while the last omelet finishes cooking.

Mitch turns the stove off and Dale carries the plate over to the bar for him. For a few seconds, he just hovers beside the empty stool, but when Mitch comes over, he goes to his own seat beside me.

Dale's ten thousand volts of nervous energy sitting next to me and it starts to rub off on me. Danny finds my hand with his own in the silence that Mitch has allowed the four of us to settle into and I try to breathe steadiness back into my bones.

"We were freshman," Mitch says calmly, slicing a piece of his omelet off and popping into his mouth before he looks up at us. He shrugs. "It didn't last long. He was just…"

"Persistent?" Danny guesses, nodding when Mitch does. "Yeah, that's Blake for you."

Mitch won't look at Dale in the silence and I can't imagine what either of them are feeling in this moment. I wonder if Dale's questioning why Mitch would want to hide something like that from him. I'm not – I get it. Pain is easier to deal with when it's just your own.

"How'd you guess he was with me?" Danny asks, holding Mitch's gaze when he looks up.

A silent sort of understanding passes between the two of them and I feel outside of their connection – I think Dale does too. But it's not important. In this painful moment they're sharing, our discomfort matters little.

Mitch shrugs one shoulder, focusing on his food for a few seconds before he admits it. "Something about the way you've described your ex to me just sounded like Blake. At least… the Blake I knew."

Danny nods again and Mitch falls silent. We're all waiting on him to break the silence again, and he doesn't leave us in suspense for long.

"Blake and I were just fooling around when we were together. I don't think either of us really knew what we were doing, and it only happened when we were tipsy." He lets out a quiet breath before looking up at Danny.

Danny squeezes my hand in his. "I was trying to be subtle because… I didn't want to out him, you know? Even after everything, it just… that's not my place."

Mitch is quick to nod and if they weren't friends before, they are now. I can see it in their body language and although there's a pang of hurt that Danny's able to so easily share his pain, it's overpowered by the relief coursing through my veins.

I told Paulina before – I'm a pathetic excuse for superglue. And Danny needs more than just me to pour into his wounds and remind him that he's still worth something.


Time passes quickly in Dale's place. When we're finished with breakfast, the four of us take to straightening up the place and someone puts the stereo on. We blast ridiculous pop tracks that none of us would be caught dead listening to, but we fucking jam along to all of it.

When everything's back in place, we collapse on the couches and talk for a long time. It's all lighter topics and the weight I can see it lift off Danny's shoulders makes my heart swell. And when Alex texts me, Danny and I gather up our stuff to leave.

Dale and Mitch walk us to the door where Dale fist bumps me and Mitch hugs Danny. It feels weird leaving like this. Like we're two couples that just decided to spend time together. Like we're all a bunch of fucking grown-up's.

When the door closes after us, Danny fits his hand into mine like we've been together for forever.

Our hands – knotted together – hang in between us, connecting us in a way that feels brand new. It fills me to the brim with this rising high that I don't ever want to come down from.

I open the driver's side of Danny's car for him and he mockingly calls me a gentleman. But I see the flush on his face, and it makes it worth the teasing.

He starts the engine and we take turns shedding our jackets and stealing kisses before we're both buckled in and ready for the drive. Danny adjusts the rearview mirror and lets out a quiet breath, accompanied with a smile before he turns to look at me.

"Would you get my glasses from the glove compartment?" he asks, shifting his gaze away from me before I have the chance to appreciate how beautiful his eyes are.

I open the glove compartment and pull out a case that looks right, holding it out toward him. He takes it with a brief smile and slides his glasses out before setting the case down on the center console. He slips his glasses onto his nose with just a hint of flush rising to his skin.

"Didn't expect to spend the night here so… I only brought my glasses with me," he says, shrugging one shoulder before he focuses his gaze on the parking lot. "Anyway… is there anywhere you want to stop before I drop you off at Alex's place?"

I chew on the inside of my lip, watching him as he pulls out of the parking lot. "Why? Do you want to do something together?"

He shrugs again but I can tell from his hesitation that he does. He's not ready to go home yet. And I can't blame him for that. Danny's parents might not be anything like mine have been my whole life but in their own way, they push him. And I can't fault Danny for wanting to get away from it for a while.

"You want to go to the planetarium?" I ask, about the only thing I can think of right away. Looking at stars always seems to relax him. I think he could use some semblance of calm before he goes home.

Danny shakes his head as the car crawls to a stop at a red light. "No… we should probably just go home." He looks at me with a soft smile. "People might start talking if they see the two of us together in the clothes we wore last night."

"Let them talk." I grin when he laughs. "Seriously. If you want to go do something, I'm game. To hell with everyone else and what they think."

He laughs again, shaking his head as traffic begins to creep forward. "No, that's okay. I need to get home and… get this over with."

The skin around his eyes is pinched as he talks, and I hate that this kind of stuff weighs on him. After everything he's been through – after everything he's dealt with – he shouldn't have to worry about his goddamn parents.

I ache to close the distance between us, lace my fingers between his, and tell him that everything's gonna be okay. But Danny's always been stronger than everyone – I don't know that he needs anyone's comfort.


Danny takes me home after that. And I keep him talking when he finally parks his car at the end of the driveway.

There's a Ram 1500 I don't recognize sandwiched between Alex's Charger and Chuck's Corolla, but I don't care enough to find out who it belongs to. I just keep Danny talking and I pretend that we're the only two people in the world.

"So… I've gotta be honest with you about something," Danny says, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip in the silence. He squeezes my hand when I intertwine our fingers. "You're not going to like it but… promise not to get mad?"

I bring his hand up to kiss the back of it. "I promise."

He watches me, chewing on his bottom lip. He hesitates for a long time – like whatever he's thinking has the power to make me rip my hand from his and end it all right here. There's nothing he could say that could pull me away now

"You were crying in your sleep."

He says it so bluntly, I snap my head up to look at him. His expression softens and he lets out a quiet breath.

"Last night. You were… you were crying in your sleep," he repeats softly, squeezing my hand in his own. "I didn't want to ignore this because I know that you-"

I pull my hand from his and he stops talking. I lean back against the seat, trying to somehow brace myself for this conversation. I don't want to talk about this shit. The stuff that wakes me up in the middle of the night with my heart racing so hard, I can't drag in a deep enough breath.

They're just nightmares. They'll go away eventually.

"I'm fine."

Danny sighs, putting his hand on my knee. "I know you're not. And that's okay. I told you before… you don't have to be okay with me. Things can be shit and we'll deal with it together." He squeezes my knee. "You can fall apart and let me help you put yourself back together. Or you can vent if that's all you need. It doesn't matter to me – I'm here for whatever you need."

I'm not good at this. At giving away the parts of myself I've worked so hard to perfect. I wear a mask for the world. So no one will know how much all of this stuff tears at me. Danny might know that my dad pushes me and that he scares the shit out of me sometimes, but he doesn't know everything about it.

He doesn't know about the times Dad would lock me out of the house if I came home after curfew. He doesn't know that I had to listen to my mother defending him for years only to wake up to find her gone one day. Danny has no clue what this is like for me and if I can't even tell Kwan… how does Danny expect me to tell him?

"Thank you. But… I'm fine."

Danny pulls his hand away and leans back in his seat with a heavy sigh. His lips are set in a thin line when I manage to look his way, and I wish I knew how to fix this. I wish I knew the kind of words that would heal and not the ones that cut.

"I knew you were going to do this," he says softly.

"What do you want me to say?" I ask instead of building another wall between us.

Danny shakes his head, before he looks at me. "I want you to be honest with me. Please don't tell me that this stuff you've been through hasn't been picking at you." He groans softly. "I saw it, remember? I saw how much this is hurting you the night that you kissed me."

Electricity runs through me at the memory of my lips on his, standing in the shower with all our clothes on. He did see it then. I tried to hide it, but it was right in front of him. My pain was as much a part of that night as our kiss was.

"It's not easy for me," I say, my words careful. I don't want to send him running but inviting him into this part of myself isn't something I want to do either. I don't want to share this with him. It's hard enough with Kwan and Alex.

He takes my hand in his again. "I know. But if you go on pretending like this doesn't matter – like this doesn't hurt – then you'll hurt forever." He drops his gaze from mine but not before I catch the tears in his eyes. He sniffles quietly and I don't understand.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to upset you."

Danny looks up at me again, shaking his head. "No, it's not you, it's… it's all of this." He exhales softly, chewing on his bottom lip again as he sniffles. "You remember how you felt when you found out about Blake and me?"

How could I forget? I still go to sleep at night sometimes with the taste of rage at the back of my throat. I scare myself some days with how angry I can still get over the situation. And even though I know Blake's been through his own shit, I still want him gone. I want him to just disappear and never come near Danny again.

"That's the way I feel when I think of your father," Danny says, taking my hand and placing it over his chest. I can feel his steady heartbeat beneath my palm. "Dash, I can't remember a time when I was ever this angry for someone else. You… don't deserve this. Any of it."

Tears are in my own eyes now and swallowing is harder than it should be. This is why I don't talk about this stuff. I'm angry, too. I have to be to survive dad. But these tears… they're not supposed to come yet. I'm not alone and Danny can see everything and I-

"I don't want you to see me like this," I admit, dropping my gaze from his when my bottom lip trembles. I try to drag up strength from somewhere deep inside of myself but it's gone. My vat of courage that I've been drawing from to get through these last few days has just run dry. And now Danny can see it. He can see how much this all hurts me.

Danny presses my hand against his chest more firmly as he whispers. "I still think you're brave. I still think you're the strongest person I know.

I don't see myself the way he does. I can't see myself like that. If I'm so brave, why has it taken me this long to leave Dad? If I'm as strong as he thinks I am, why can't I just walk away and stop letting this shit affect me? It's done. My body's slowly healing from the marks Dad left on me this time but… my heart still hurts. It's still holding on to everything he's done.

I pull my hand from Danny's grip, dropping my head into my palms. I don't want to fall apart. I don't want Danny to be the one sweeping up my broken pieces and trying to put me back together. Not again.

"I'm here," he whispers softly, sliding his arms around me. He pulls me closer to him, leaning across the center console to get to me. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

My breath is sticking in my throat and tears are stinging my eyes and I don't want to do this. I don't want to fucking break like this.

"It's… really hard to talk about," I breathe, blinking rapidly to stop the tears from falling.

I can't tear down the walls that are between us. They're here for a reason. They protect me. Him. Both of us. I don't even know anymore – I've just gotten used to them. Without this space between us – this wall – I'm naked in front of him.

Danny holds me tightly against his chest. "I know. You don't have to." He turns his head just far enough to press a kiss to my cheek. "I'm here. I know you're scared but I'm here."

I'm not scared. Not the way he thinks I am. It's not Dad and his angry fists that terrify me. It's this. Danny terrifies me. Because I could fuck up and he could run away. Because I might never learn how to let him in and end up pushing him away. Because we might make so much goddamn sense in my head but that doesn't make it reality.

I'm scared of this. Of everything we could be. Because I've never had something like this before. Something worth holding onto.


Eventually, his dad calls, and I leave Danny's arms. We share a final kiss that ends far too quickly, and he promises to call me tonight.

I stand in the snow as he drives out of the neighborhood and I wave until I can't see him anymore. It doesn't feel as cold outside as it should as I start up into the house, my every move hesitant the closer I get to Chuck's car.

I can hear conversation flowing in the dining room as soon as I step inside. I close the door behind me as quietly as I can, but Alex still hears and calls out to me.

Kind of thought I could avoid doing the walk of shame twice today but… I guess the universe wants me to suffer.

I toe my shoes off by the door but carry them to the dining room. Might as well put them away.

Chuck is sitting at one end of the table, grinning as he enters the dining room. There's a guy next to him that seems familiar. And across from Alex, there's a teenager that I've never met but the family resemblance is uncanny.

Alex raises his eyebrows when he turns to look at me. I feel the heat creeping across my face, but I try not to pay it too much attention.

"Oh man, look at you," Chuck teases, still grinning when I look his way. "Out late partying with your friends? Or did you get a little lucky last night?"

"Chuck," Alex calls, leaning across the table to swat him on the shoulder. "He's seventeen. Cut it out, will you?"

"Eighteen," I correct. I shift my gaze around the table and the guy next to Chuck gives me a smile.

"Dash, it's good to see you again," he says, getting up from his chair.

He's extended his hand out to me, and it's only when I clasp his hand that I recognize him.

"It's good to see you too, Javier."

He beams, pulling his hand back as he gestures to the teenager sitting on his other side. "I don't think you two met when we did – this is my son, Nikolas."

Nikolas glances up at his dad before standing. He holds his hand toward me, a faint smile lightening his features.

"Hey, man. Call me Nik."

I shake his hand too, feeling even more awkward in last night's clothes. "Alright, good to meet you, Nik."

He slides his hands into his back pockets, rocking on his heels now. "We've actually met before. A year or two ago – you helped me get my drunk friend into my car after a party."

"I did?"

He nods. "Yeah, Derek? His sister's a cheerleader."

"Star?" I ask, nodding when he grins. "Yeah, I know him. Can't say I remember that party though."

"To be fair, you did get pretty wasted according to several eye-witnesses," he grins, giving me a wink. "Not that I blame you. Parties can get crazy so fast."

I laugh, that heat flushing across my face again. "Are you in Casper High, too?"

"Yep. Two more years and I'm out of this bitch though."

"Nik," Javier calls, shaking his head when Nik looks at him. "Come on, we got to go. Your mother's picking you up in a few hours."

He makes a face, turning back to me with a shrug. "Maybe I'll see you at school soon. If you're not too busy dying over everything you've gotta do as a senior."

Oh fuck, I almost forgot about that. There's senior year pictures and getting our class rings and all that other end of year shit. And winter formal is just a few weeks from now.

"He'll be fine," Alex says, getting up from his chair. He puts one hand on my shoulder, giving me a smile when I look at him.

Javier comes around the table, pulling Alex away from me to give him a hug. "We gotta do this more often."

"Yeah, we do. Maybe next weekend, we can get together. Or you can stop by the garage any time you want."

Javier pulls away with a grin, looking to Nik. "Well, soon my boy's gonna be working with you every summer so you'll see me all the time."

Nik rolls his eyes. "I'm not working anywhere over the summer, Dad." He looks past his dad to Alex, giving a little wave. "Talk him out of it, Uncle. I'll be in the truck."

Javier shakes his head as Nik leaves the dining room. He waits until the front door's closed behind him before he turns to Alex. "I swear, it's like he's already forgotten that you helped me get him that bike for Christmas."

Alex shrugs, a faint smile in his expression. "Go easy on him. He's had a rough year."

"Yeah…" Javier sighs, darting his gaze away as he slowly nods. "Alright, I'll see you soon."

He leans over to hug Chuck before moving on to me. I let him hug me and though it's kind of awkward, it's over with quickly.

Alex waves as he leaves the dining room, and I listen for the front door to close again.

"I've missed him," Chuck says.

Alex's expression is hesitant now, and I get the sense that there's something buried there. So I speak before either of them can get into it.

"You wanted me home?"

Chuck looks to Alex, and the two communicate something through that look that I don't understand. I get the sense that Alex is nervous.

"What is it?" I finally ask when the silence has stretched between us long enough to become uncomfortable.

Alex lets out a small breath. "Chuck has the day off so… we were thinking about getting some packing done." He glances Chuck's way again. "We wanted to know if you wanted to help."

I shrug, sliding my phone from my pocket to check the time. "Sounds good. Let me change my clothes first."

Chuck clears his throat and gives Alex a look that actually makes him squirm. I don't think I've ever seen Alex like this before, and I don't know what's twisting him up inside. It's usually my job to be the wreck out of the two of us. What the hell is fucking with him?

"We were thinking… that we should start packing up your stuff first." He sinks his teeth into his bottom lip and stops skirting around it. "At Howard's place. We were thinking that we could start at Howard's place."

My heart jumps into my throat, black spots tinting my vision. The oxygen in the room starts to thin and I can't drag enough in.

I don't want to see my unmade bed and remember the first nightmare that started this whole train wreck. I don't want to step over the broken glass and relive the moment he pushed me down the stairs. Or remember his hands around my throat. Or the iron he used to burn me with. I don't want to go back there. I don't-

"Dash?"

Chuck has stood from his chair and turned toward me when I manage to drag my stare up to look at him. He raises an eyebrow like he's waiting on an explanation, but I have nothing to say.

I can't say that my heart is twisted inside my ribcage and every breath is a painful reminder of what happened to me that night.

"Maybe next week." I feel the emotion in the back of my throat, and I can't clear it away.

Alex gives me a look that feels sympathetic. But my fucked-up mind can only see it as disappointment.

He thinks I should be stronger than this. That I should be ready to take this on, and leave Dad behind. I'm sorry, Alex. I'm not that strong. I'm not like you.

"That's fine. Do you still want to help us with packing at the apartment?" Chuck asks, easily taking control of the situation when Alex doesn't speak. He glances toward Alex, but when his stare isn't met, he looks back at me. "We'll order a pizza or something while we work. You in?"

I don't want to spend today building up walls that Alex is desperate to knock down. But staying here runs the risk of bumping into Tatiana, and I don't want that either.

I finally figured everything out with Danny last night. We're gonna try this thing. It might get confusing or scary for the both of us but… we're willing to try. And I don't want Tatiana's doubt to ruin what fragile thing we're piecing together.

"Sure, just… let me change my clothes."

I start up the stairs, and I hear Chuck tell Alex that he'll get the boxes and things we'll need from the store. I guess they're both driving… my stomach twists at the thought of riding in awkward silence next to Alex.

"Hey, can I… ride with you?" I ask, coming down the stairs far enough to where I can see Chuck. He turns to me at the question, frowning a little and I force out a lie. "I need to grab a couple things from the store."

Chuck looks toward Alex, but I won't. I don't want to see the expression on his face.

"Sure, that's fine," Chuck says, swinging his keys around his finger.

"Cool, I'll just be a sec."

I start up the stairs again, taking them two at a time to get up them faster. My heart is pounding in my chest again and I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I didn't have to put this space between us. I wish I was braver than this – I wish I could just face my stupid house and get it over with.

It's just a building. It shouldn't be able to hurt me this much.


Chuck keeps up steady chatter on the way out of Alex's neighborhood. He gets the heat running and keeps the radio at a low drone, talking idly about things that don't really matter. How the weather's been, if it's gonna snow again or not – meaningless stuff. But it's conversation, and I can't fault him for trying to make this easier between us.

We're at a stoplight when he turns the music off and looks at me. "So… you need something from the store, huh? As excuses go, that's pretty flimsy."

I exhale out a heavy breath, leaning back in my seat. "I know."

He doesn't seem surprised that it's a lie. That I made it up just so I can ride with him instead of Alex. He knows Alex's past better than I do. I wonder if he gets this. If he knows why I'm hiding out instead of facing it the way I should.

"I know you think that I'm… being pathetic." I close my eyes in the silence. "But I don't want to deal with it today. I know he's worried about me but… I just can't."

Chuck puts his hand on my shoulder, nodding when I open my eyes and look at him. "I get it. You don't have to explain yourself."

The light turns green and his attention is back on the traffic for a few moments.

"To be honest with you, I think Alex is pushing a little hard." Chuck taps the brakes when the car in front of him slows down. "I think he's expecting too much too fast from you."

"You do?" My voice sounds small and broken to my own ears.

He frowns, switching lanes before he looks at me. "Yeah, I do. I know Alex but I also know you. I just think that… the similarities between you two are starting to scare him." He shifts his gaze back to the road when someone in the other lane blows their horn.

I look out the windshield where he is and try to pick out which car it is.

"Alex means well. I hope you know that." He nods when I look back at him. "He just doesn't want you turning out anything like him."

I don't know why that'd be such a bad thing. Alex is a good person. If anything… I try to be more like him.

"Why?" I practically whisper the question and I don't know why I'm afraid of the answer. It's not like anything Chuck can say will break me any more than I've already been.

He heaves out a sigh. "It's just… he has his own issues. And he doesn't want to pass any of it on to you." He looks at me then, chewing on his bottom lip. "I can't tell you what it's about, Alex is just… he's going through his own things. It's not my place to tell you what it is."

I wish he would. I wish someone would tell me why sometimes Alex is too sad to smile and how he'll sit alone in the mornings. Why he drifted so far away from Chuck and Kendra and everyone that once mattered to him.

I don't know why he's just getting things back on track – I don't know what happened to fuck them up in the first place. But I wish I knew. I wish I could help him.


When Chuck and I get to the apartment, Alex and Kendra have already begun to sort through their stuff. They've set aside what can be packed up already from what they still need until the move is official – so that's where we start.

I'm working on packing up some books, and Chuck is in the midst of telling me stories about the two of them as kids when Danny calls me. My phone lights up with his name and for a second, my heart stops. Because I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath, waiting on him to call.

I excuse myself and leave the chaos of the apartment, stepping out the front door.

"Hey," I answer with, crossing over to the railing above the stairs.

Danny lets out a small breath and for a second, my own breath catches. But he talks with a smile in his tone and I don't think he's faking it just for me.

"Hey… I wanted to call you. Wanted to know how your day's been going."

I can't keep from grinning and I drop my stare to the parking lot far below me, trying to keep the blush off my face. "Things are good… how's it been for you?"

He sighs. "My mom's insane – like always. But otherwise, it's been okay." There's a second of rustling on his end before he's back on the line. "I know this might be too soon but… god, waking up next to you this morning was just… it was perfect. I loved it."

My heart jumps inside my chest and I can't stop the blush this time. I can feel the air around me shift and even though it's freezing out, I'm filled with a warmth that this snow simply can't touch.

"I-I… loved that too," my voice is small on the few words, but I say them. And that has to count.

Danny groans. "When can I see you again?"

I let out a slow breath, glancing over my shoulder to make sure I'm still alone. "I don't know… I'm leaving for that college visit soon," I remind him, continuing when he sighs. "Are you coming with me? Alex is gonna be there too. I don't know… if that changes it for you."

"I'd love to," he says but there's something to his tone that I recognize.

"What is it?"

He groans again. "I'm sorry. My mom will kill me if I suddenly take off with you like that." He falls silent on his end for a few seconds before he starts again. "The thing is… my dad wouldn't care. Because he trusts me. But my mom just thinks I'm going to get myself in trouble again and-"

"You told them about us?" I interrupt with, my tone soft.

"God, no – are you kidding me? My mom would have your head if she knew that you and I are…"

He trails off like he doesn't know what to call us. I don't know either.

Danny's voice sounds stronger when he speaks again. "I'll tell them eventually. Just not right away."

"Yeah, no, I get it. No pressure," I respond, glancing over my shoulder when the door opens behind me.

Alex frowns, tilting his head to one side in question.

I aim the phone away from my mouth. "Gimme a second?"

He nods but hesitates a few seconds before he disappears inside again.

I stare at the closed door in silence, breathing in the space that's between me and Danny now. I don't know what we do from here, but I know that I want to see him again before I leave.

"Let me take you out before I leave," I say, hesitating a second before I plunge on. "There's a café that Jeff showed me, it's pretty sweet. Out of the way, no stupid crowd to fight, and their coffee is actually decently priced."

Danny laughs softly. "Dash Baxter – are you asking me out on a date?"

Heat washes over me insantly. "Would you say yes if I say I am?"

"Maybe," he teases, his tone playful and inviting me into this game.

I chew on the inside of my lip. "Then Danny Fenton… will you do me the grand honor of going out with me on Thursday?"

"I thought you'd never ask," he laughs. "Yes, of course. Text me the address?"

I lean my arms against the railing, lifting my stare to the sky.

"What if I pick you up instead?" I offer, wondering if Danny's looking at the stars from his bedroom window tonight. "Think your mom would let you out of the house with me?"

He sighs. "Probably not. But I can pick you up," he pauses there, hesitating a second. When I don't say anything, he plunges on. "Alex told me you're not supposed to be driving."

Ugh… of course he did. I don't know when he would have had the chance to mention that to Danny but of course he found a way to do it. I don't know why he's being so protective of me like this – I've driven on painkillers before. Hell – I drove myself to see Dad the night he was shot and I was so banged up, I could barely see straight.

"I can drive, you know," I mumble, knowing it's useless either way. Alex won't listen to me and neither will Danny. I have a feeling that the two of them knowing each other like this isn't going to work in my favor.

"Maybe but I don't want to chance it yet. Just rest up for now, okay?" he asks, hesitating a second before he speaks again. "Hang on, my dad's calling me."

I lean back against the railing, listening to his soft tone coming through the phone. I can't hear what he's saying but I don't care. His voice is soothing, even if I can't pick out the words he's saying.

"Hey, I gotta go but… let me know if I can pick you up for our date," he says softly, and I picture his teeth sinking into his bottom lip when he falls silent.

God, I wish I was with him right now. I wish I could press my lips against his and that we were on his bed, my hands all over him and-

I cough, trying to distract myself from the images my mind is teasing me with. "Y-Yeah, that'll… work. You want to come by around four?"

I don't know if Alex and Kendra have anything planned for Thursday, but I have my own plans now so… I'll have to work around whatever they're doing. Cause I want to see Danny so badly, it's ringing in my bones. And I'm not gonna let anything stand in my way.

"Okay – it's a date!"


I spend the next two days just getting through them. I help with the packing of the apartment and even though I know Alex wants me to try going to my place this week, I tell him that we don't have time. I promise that we'll get to it after the visit to Amridge.

Thursdayfinally gets here and I'm practically sitting on pins the whole day, waiting for Danny to show up. He texts me when he leaves his house, but I know it'll still take him a while to get to me. Which gives me plenty of time to change my mind about my outfit three times in a row.

I end up in the sweater he bought me for Christmas and a pair of jeans that I borrowed from Alex. They're distressed and they're a causal fit on me. Wearing them makes me feel like I'm less nervous about this date than I really am.

We've already kissed dozens of times and fallen asleep next to each other but… this is our first date. This is so much more official than the few kisses we've exchanged.

"You're going to wear a hole in the floor," Alex comments from the couch, the sound of a marker dragging across cardboard loud in the silence. "It's just Danny, you know."

He's labeling a few of the boxes in the living room while Kendra's making phone calls in the back room. They made a bid on a house with enough space for the three of us to exist together without being in each other's way all the time. It's a nice place and I think we could all be really happy there. But all the details are still up in the air right now.

"Are you packed for the trip?" I ask instead. I don't want to talk about how nervous Danny makes me.

Alex pushes one box off to the side, getting the tape from the couch. "Yeah. Anastasia's going to drop us off at the airport tomorrow. She says she'll be here at four, but you know how she is." He tapes the box closed. "Are you nervous about this visit?"

Right now, Danny has my nerves so twisted up, it's hard to think of anything else. But I am nervous about it.

My future is riding on college visits like this one – how am I supposed to be calm about it?

"Yeah, a little," I admit, pulling my phone from my pocket to check my hair again. I brushed it to the side when I got out of the shower and it dried that way. I almost like it, but I don't know what Danny will think.

Alex labels the box, the squeaking noise sounding throughout the room again. "I hope you know that… no matter the outcome, I'm proud of you." He caps the marker, looking at me with a quiet exhale. "I mean it. It takes guts to put yourself out there like this."

My phone vibrates in my hand and I drop my gaze from his with a shrug.

"Coach did most of the work."

Alex tsks softly. "Oh come on, no he didn't. He might have reached out to these colleges, but you're the one that's impressed them. It's you that they want."

That makes my chest tighten just a little and I have to read over Danny's text twice before it sinks in.

From: Danny

I'm here! :)

I let out a slow breath, stealing a glance up at Alex. "I-I gotta go, he's here, but… thanks for that."

Alex gives me a smile and stands from the couch, tossing the marker onto the cushion. "Why the rush? Invite him in for a minute."

I hold his stare for a few seconds longer before I type the message.

To: Danny

You want to come up?

Alex is asking about you

I drum my thumbs against the sides of my phone and nearly jump out of my skin when there's a knock on the door behind me.

"Jeez, you're jumpy," Alex says, folding his arms over his chest and leaning against the wall. I don't trust the wicked grin on his face. "Well? Aren't you going to let him in?"

I hold his stare for a few seconds. "Whatever you're thinking… b-behave, got it?"

He holds his hands up in surrender, but I still don't trust him.

I run my hands down the sides of my jeans, trying to wipe away the sweat gathering on my palms. I've never done this before. I open the door and Danny's there. Smiling. Taking my breath away. Making me ache from how much I want him.

"Hi," I squeak out and open the door wide enough for him to come in. "Y-You look good."

Danny smiles. "Thank you."

He steps inside and his face lights up when his gaze drops to my chest. He runs a hand down the front of my sweater, throwing my heart into overdrive. "You're wearing the sweater I got you! I told you it'd look good on you."

I can't breathe with him looking at me like that. But Alex clears his throat behind me, and I have to find my voice before he does. "S-So, we should probably be going, right? Wouldn't want to be-"

"Hey, Danny," Alex calls out, like he wasn't leaning against the wall, just waiting for me to let him in.

I turn to look at him and he's giving Danny a smile, crossing over to the two of us. Alex pulls him in for a hug and Danny laughs nervously.

"It's good to see you," Alex says, looking my way with a glint in his eyes. "Dash has been looking forward to this."

I know my face is flushed just from the heat I can feel coming from it. But Danny smiles and it makes breathing just a little easier.

"He's not the only one," Danny admits softly, a faint pink staining his cheeks when he pulls away from Alex. "Dash told me you guys are moving."

Alex smiles at that – a genuine, non-teasing smile. "Yeah, we are." His gaze shifts toward me. "Did he tell you about the college visit, too?"

"Yes, he did." Danny beams a little, looking toward me with a bright smile. "I'm really proud of him."

My face is beyond flushed at this point and I scoff, trying to disturb the feeling settling in my chest. "Thanks… can we go now?"

"Why the rush? We're just having a casual conversation," Alex teases and something about the look in his eyes unnerves me. He looks back at Danny, his expression shifting to something a little more serious. "So… I've got a question for you."

Danny's still watching me, and from the expression on his face, I think he wants to lean over and kiss me. But Alex earns his attention and he looks away from me, raising his eyebrows.

"What are your intentions with Dash?"

If it's possible, I think I spontaneously combust on the spot. I think I die of embarrassment and only Danny's small laugh brings me back.

Alex is still grinning despite the glare I shoot his way. I don't know why he does shit like this – Danny means the fucking world to me. I'm nervous already, why does he have to make it worse?

"W-We're leaving," I splutter, pulling my jacket halfway on before I touch Danny's elbow. "Come on, let's get out of here."

He glances my way with a small breath, nodding before he looks back to Alex. "I'll have him home in a couple hours."

"Sure thing." Alex's tone is teasing and even though he doesn't deserve my attention, I still turn to him when he calls my name.

That shit eating grin is gone from his expression and he reaches out to pat me on the shoulder. "Have fun. Don't get into too much trouble – you want to get some sleep before the trip tomorrow."

I nod, my gaze shifting away from him. "I'll see you later."

I practically breathe a sigh of relief when I slip out the door with Danny. He looks toward me at the noise, but he offers a smile instead of a question and I wonder what it's like for him. I wonder what his parents would say if it were me picking him up.

"Sorry, that was… god, I don't know why he did that."

Danny shakes his head, sliding his hand into mine. He leads me down the stairs outside Alex's apartment and over to his car. Before we part, he leans over to press a kiss to my cheek, and it's not nearly enough. But he's gone before I can chase after him for more.

I get in the passenger seat of his Hyundai, and almost have to sit on my hands when he gets in next to me. I want to drag him into a kiss and make him forget about this date we have planned. But I let him check his rearview mirror, and click his seat-belt into place first.

He looks at me, and no amount of holding back could work in this moment. I lean across the space between us and press my lips to his, a surprised noise leaving him at the contact. But he melts into the kiss, and slides his arms around my neck. I push my tongue against his lips, and he lets me inside, groaning at the sensation.

I love him. I can't speak those words so soon into this thing we call us but it's true. I love him. How could I not?


Danny puts some music on, but he keeps it low – leaving room for either of us to talk. If I could find anything other than those three little words to speak into the air between us, I would. Because I love hearing him talk. I love watching his eyebrows furrow in concentration. His smile, his laugh, god – I'd talk all night if I had the words.

"Are you nervous about this college visit?" he asks, in a way only he can.

I shift my gaze out the passenger window and chew on the inside of my lips. Nervous isn't the right word. I think I'm just scared of leaving behind everything I've ever known.

But… if everyone else is going after graduation, I should be going too. Even if it finally feels like my life's working out. Like I finally have a home.

"I guess," I say.

Danny turns the music off. "You okay?"

I am. I'm more than okay. I'm finally in a place where things are good but… I'm spending my days terrified that I'm making the wrong choices. Lately, my sleep has been made up of nightmares and the crushing fear that everyone I love is gonna disappear when I open my eyes again.

Danny wants me to talk to him about this stuff. To confess the way my heart is wrapped around my esophagus sometimes. To let him into my pain – my private hell.

I don't know how to do that. I'm not that kind of person. Kwan only knows some of this stuff because I've come to him in the past after Dad had done his worst. It's not some kind of switch in my mind – I can't turn it on and off whenever I want to.

"Did I mention… that I've decided to give therapy a try?" I ask, my voice strange to my ears. Like I'm trying too hard.

He's gone quiet next to me, and the silence settles heavily between us. I should be the one to break it – to give him details he wants but hasn't asked for. I don't know how to do that. This stuff isn't easy for me to talk about. I don't know what's too much and what's not enough.

"You have?" Danny finally asks, his voice soft on the words.

I nod, not looking away from the trees streaking past the window. We're almost at the turn for the café and I don't want us to miss it. But I think dredging up a little bit of truth for the boy I've fallen in love with is more important than directions.

I shift my gaze away from my window and look his way. I can't raise my stare much higher than his shoulder but at least I'm looking at him.

"I don't want to spend the rest of my life hurting," I confess, the words sticking in my throat on the way out.

I don't know if that's enough for him. I don't know if he wants to hear more, but that's all I have. He wants me to be honest and that part of me is rusty. I've been so used to lies and hiding, I haven't been able to shake the dust from my honesty yet.

Danny's silent for a few minutes and I tell him when we're at the right turn. He gives me a nod in response and takes the turn.

And I'm nervous energy, pounding heart, and screaming thoughts. I don't know if I made the right choice. I don't know how much he wants me to let him in or how much I'm supposed to keep to myself.

"Thank you," Danny says softly when he pulls the car to a stop at a red light.

He turns to me and I force myself to look up – to meet his gaze. He smiles and it eases the tension sitting on my chest. The breath I'm able to draw in isn't tinged with that lingering fear and I take that as a small win. I'm even able to smile back just a little.

He reaches across the space between us and puts his hand on my arm. "I know that talking about this stuff is hard but…I want to be here for you. I want to help."

I nod and when the light turns green, he looks toward the road again. I think I made the right call – letting him in like this.

I've spent most of my life not knowing what the right decision to make is but… I think I've just gotta trust my instincts. And since I met him, my instincts have been telling me to just keep falling for him – because he's gonna be the one to catch me.


Danny finds the café easily – even with my bad directions – and he's pulling his car into a parking space within a few minutes.

My insides are still twisted up from the truth I've spilled to him, but I force it from my mind. Long enough to take his hand when we get out of the car and start up the walk to the front door of the café.

He gives my hand a squeeze and offers up a wide smile when he looks my way. It eases the knot of tension sitting in the middle of my chest, and I let out a low breath, mentally telling myself to relax. It's just Danny.

"So, have you been here a lot?" he asks, letting go of my hand to push the door open and hold it for me.

I follow him in, running my hand through my hair to disturb the few snowflakes that have settled on top of my quickly growing hair. It's just starting to curl – I should get it cut soon.

"No, I've… only been here once. With Jeff."

Danny smiles, shrugging one shoulder like it doesn't matter, and gets in line. I stand next to him, my heart in my throat and my every nerve ending on fire just from looking at him.

"Derek?" Danny asks as the people in front of us leave and we're next up at the counter.

I look where Danny's stare is trained and see Derek, tucking his blonde hair under his cap. He looks up at the sound of Danny's voice and smiles widely, coming over to the counter.

"I've got this one, Cheryl," he offers, side-stepping his coworker to get to the register. He grins widely. "Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Was in the neighborhood, thought I'd check this place out," Danny says with a grin, his stare slowly drifting toward me. "Actually… Dash suggested it. He said he was here the other day."

Derek's still smiling as he looks from Danny to me. "Cool, good to see you again. Hey – how's Jeff doing? My sister said she was having trouble getting a hold of him yesterday."

I shrug one shoulder. "I haven't seen him since New Year's Eve. At Dale's party."

"Okay, I'll tell her I asked." He glances between me and Danny. His eyebrows drift downward, like something's clicked in his mind. "Are you guys here… together?"

He puts enough emphasis on the word that it'd be impossible to misunderstand. Still, I try to pretend he means anything else. Because my heart is picking up speed and it's gone silent between the three of us.

Danny looks at me and when his teeth sink into his bottom lip, I know he doesn't want to lie. He doesn't want to pretend that we're just two friends getting a cup of coffee. And it's just Derek. What's the harm? What am I afraid of?

"Yeah, we're… yeah," is how I choose to explain the way that I feel for Danny, but it still makes him smile. It still eases that tension between the two of us. Because despite the way my heart hasn't slowed down and the sick feeling in the pit of my gut, I didn't lie about us. I didn't pretend that I haven't fallen for him.

Derek nods. "Cool. Didn't know you liked guys, Dash – I might have sent a friend your way," he says with a wink, laughing softly when I keep silent. "I'm joking. What can I get for you?"

Danny rattles off an order easily, discussing at length how disgusting fake sugar is. Then it's my turn. And I'm so caught up in having successfully outed myself to one person that I just go with my classic – coffee, with room for cream.

As soon as we have our coffee, I lead Danny to one of the tables in the back. I pick one next to a window overlooking the street. From here, we can see the traffic passing by us and there's something comforting about it. About knowing that we're not the only two people in this moment anymore.

"I'm proud of you," he says as he settles down across from me. He smiles and places his hand on top of mine. "Seriously. I know it's not easy for you to do things like that. But you did and I'm… I'm just really proud of you."

I don't know how to take the praise. Shouldn't it be natural by now? What difference would it have made if I'd come here with Paulina instead?

Would I have faltered in saying that we were together? Am I supposed to care what other people think about the boy I'm holding hands with or am I supposed to let it roll off my back like it doesn't bother me? How do I find the balance?

I shrug, dropping my gaze to my coffee as I continue to stir it.

"Seriously," he insists so I look up with a smile that he seems to see right through. He turns my hand over, threading his fingers between mine. "What's wrong?"

Nothing's wrong. It's me. I'm just being an idiot again and I don't know how to stop myself. I want things to be perfect between the two of us. I want to be able to casually correct people when they assume that Danny and I are just friends. But it's hard.

I don't know how to speak the words I need to say and pull back on the hesitation at the right moment. I want to be myself, but I don't know why it matters so much. Danny knows I like him. My friends know I like him. We're figuring out a way to make this mess between us work.

What does a stranger need to know about my love for him?

"Alex wants me to go back to my dad's place and get the rest of my stuff before the move," I lead with, instead of spilling all the ways my heart beats for him.

Danny raises his eyebrows, letting out a soft breath. He holds my hand tighter. "Yeah? How do you feel about that?"

That's the worst part. I don't know. I don't want to face the mess we left my house in. I don't want to stand in my bedroom and remember the way Dad's hands felt on me. I don't know how I feel And it sucks.

I shrug one shoulder, dropping my gaze to my coffee. I take a sip and relish the burn, letting it keep my focus. Just until I can breathe again without cracking into a million pieces.

"Do you want to get your stuff back?" he asks softly.

He makes it sound easy. Like moving out of my dad's house is as simple as taking my stuff and turning my back on everything that happened there. It's still inside of me. Even if I move halfway across the world, I'll never forget all the things that happened in that house.

I can never get the sound of Mom's screams out of my head. Or the feeling of his cold gun against my forehead. I'll always remember coming home from little league games and curling up on the couch to watch cartoons. Or long afternoons lying on my bedroom floor with Kwan, pouring over comic books and arguing about which superhero was the best.

I'll miss waking up in my bedroom, with the sunlight peeking in through my blinds, waking me up early on the weekend. I'll miss Saturday morning running in the dead of winter and afternoon walks in the autumn. Passing my neighbors walking their dogs and the smell of warm food on the grill, drifting from somebody else's backyard.

I'll miss all of it. I don't want to go back there because I'm scared if I do, I'll never want to leave.

"Yeah, I guess," is what I answer his question with, but it doesn't feel like enough.

The unspoken truth sits heavily between the two of us and I want to just say it. To tell him that I'm scared to leave behind everything I've ever known. But I don't know how to give that much of myself away yet.

I lift my cup from the table and take in a long sip. "So. How are things with you?"

Danny's disappointed when I meet his gaze. I know he wants the truth from me, but I don't know how to give it to him. I'm not even sure I know how to give it to myself.

"Fine, I guess," he says, letting out a heavy breath when I raise my stare to his. "Okay, not so fine. My parents are worried about me. They think…" He trails off, casting a glance throughout the café like anyone could be listening in. "They think I'm seeing Blake again."

For a second, my world tilts. It reminds me that the space between the two of us is bigger than just the distance of this table. My heart starts to beat out of time – dredging up all the terrible things that have happened between us. All the times I almost lost him to the ghost of his former relationship.

But a deep breath in helps to reorient me with my surroundings. It helps to soothe my tight chest and keep my mind on the present. Danny's here with me. He's not interested in Blake – he's here with me.

"They do?" I ask, leaning over to steal another coffee stirrer. I don't look up at Danny as he lets us fall into silence. I just drop my gaze to his untouched mug of coffee, the foam settled on top slowly melting from the heat of the coffee.

He sighs softly. "Yeah. I don't… really know what to do because on the one hand, I don't want them to think that but on the other hand… it's almost like a perfect cover story for us." His face flushes when I look up at him. "N-Not that I want to lie about us for long, it's just… maybe it's better this way?"

I don't know if his parents thinking that I'm Blake even for a little while is a good idea. What if when he tells them the truth, they would have preferred it to be Blake instead of me?

"What do you think?" he asks, lobbing the ball back into my court.

I don't want to answer that. I don't want to wonder if his parents will think that his abusive ex is a better choice than me.

I lean forward, disturbing the foam on top of his coffee with the stirrer. I trace a few circles into it before I turn one into Saturn, taking care to draw several rings around it.

Danny lets out a breath. "Are you serious right now? You are such a nerd."

I smile but I don't look up at him, focusing on turning what's left of his foam into more planets.

I don't want to have this kind of conversation with him. I don't want to be the one to tell him to come clean to his parents. If he wants to let them go on thinking that he's rekindling things with his ex-boyfriend instead of starting something new with me… that's his choice. I don't feel like arguing about it.

"I don't care what you tell your parents about us," I say, and it's the most honest thing I've uttered since he picked me up today. He could tell them anything about us and I'll roll with it for him. Because as long as he's by my side and I get to place kisses on his skin, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of us.

He's quiet when I look up at him, but I recognize the look on his face. He's thinking hard about something – warring between letting me in and shutting me out of whatever's at the forefront of his mind. I have the urge to push – to ask him what he's thinking about – but I don't. I know Danny. Pretty damn well. And I'm tired of always pushing him for answers. He'll tell me when he's ready.

"I think Alex is more excited about this college visit than I am," I say, giving Danny a smile when he shifts his stare to meet mine. "He's practically told his entire family about it."

His serious expression gives way to a smile. "Yeah?"

I nod, dropping my stare to his coffee as I pull the stirrer from it. I lick the excess coffee clinging on to the side of the stirrer and when I look up at him, he's sinking his teeth into his bottom lip. I don't think he's realized yet what that does to me.

"I think he's proud of you, Dash," he says, his expression brightening as his smile widens. "I think they all are." His cheeks flush that pretty pink again and he lets out a soft breath. "I-I… know I am."

The look on his face is enough to flush my own cheeks and I can't hold his gaze for long. I think a small part of myself is proud too. Cause I want this and I'm not letting my own bullshit and fear cut this chance off before I can try for it.

"Well…thank you."

He beams and the silence we fall into is natural. Comfortable. Like there's no better place on this earth that I could belong. And if Danny can make me feel this way amidst all the chaos that my life has become… I think this has to be real. I think I really am falling in love with him.

"Will you come with me?" I ask softly, looking up to meet his stare. "When I get my stuff?"

It takes him a second to understand what I'm asking. But the look in his eyes is kind when it clicks.

He reaches across the table to take my hand in his and the breath I let out is shaky. It betrays how badly I need him to say yes.

"Of course, Dash," he promises, squeezing my hand tightly. "Whatever you need, I'm here for you."

That's the thing about Danny. I knew his answer even before I asked the question. He's selfless. Just like Alex. Kwan. Every good person that's ever been there for me. They're all so selfless and it's taken me years, but I'm starting to understand that it's okay to need them. It's okay to let myself be a little selfish. I'm even starting to think that sometimes… I deserve to be.


Sleep takes forever to find me. I'm nervous energy and shaky hands all night. Restless. Tossing and turning. Checking and rechecking that my bags are packed. I can't help it. It's the only thing that calms the way my heart has begun to pound.

I've never done this before. I've never gone after something like this. I'm putting my future in the hands of someone who could ultimately decide they don't want me. I'm more than nervous. I'm terrified at how this trip will turn out.

Alex is quiet when he gets up in the morning. I've barely slept more than an hour or two, but I lay on the couch, staring up at the ceiling and thinking over everything. Mentally reciting everything I'm taking with me to make sure it's in one of my bags, lined up by the door with Alex's.

My painkillers are packed away already, but I can feel the familiar ache in my rib. It's been almost four months since Dad first cracked it and though it's almost healed a few times, I've gotten used to the pain.

"Dash," Alex calls softly, coming into the living room.

It's still dark in the apartment – save for the light he's cut on in the kitchen – so making out his expression is hard. I know he's exhausted, I can hear that much in his tone. But I wonder what he looks like right now. If there's even a hint of regret in his expression. If he wants to turn back on going with me to this college.

"I'm awake," I say, my voice quiet on the few words.

I sit up on the couch, letting the pain from my rib ground me. Letting it remind me that I'm just one quarterback out of hundreds. Just because they're interested doesn't mean they'll take me. There's no need to pin all my hopes on what one college thinks of me.

Alex hovers in the entryway to the living room as I get up from the couch. My hands are shaky as I fold the blankets I slept under and get my phone from the floor. My clothes for today are laying on the back of a kitchen chair, waiting for me to change into.

"We'll get coffee on the way there," Alex reminds me for the hundredth time. But I nod anyway, and he leaves, coming back a moment later with my clothes. "Here. Anastasia's almost here."

He leaves the living room then, going back into the kitchen. I hear him turn the faucet on and I strip my pajamas off, shivering in the cold of Alex's apartment.

I dress quickly, goosebumps racing up and down my skin like they're a part of me today. Like my nervousness and anxiety is on my skin for everyone to see.

I leave my clothes where Alex told me to last night and get my shoes from in front of the couch. My shaky fingers manage to do the laces, but I can barely breathe past the anxiety coiling in my stomach.

There's a knock on the door and Alex leaves the kitchen to answer it. My heart is racing, and I desperately want to text Danny. But it's too soon. He's probably not awake yet and I don't want to disturb him. At least one of us should sleep until the sun rises.

Alex is talking softly with Anastasia in the foyer and I draw on the strength somewhere inside myself when I get up from the couch. I'm beyond nervous about this whole damn thing but I can carry my own luggage to the car. There's no need to make Alex and Anastasia take care of everything.

"Morning," I greet Anastasia with when I step into the foyer.

She's nodding at something Alex is saying quietly but she turns to me with a grin the second I speak.

"Morning yourself, you lazy fuck," she says, laughing when Alex calls her name softly. "Oh come on, I had to get up earlier than both of you guys just to get over here."

He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and thumb. "Keep it down, Kendra's still asleep." He picks up one of the bags lined up by the door and looks at me when he straightens. "You ready to go?"

I nod, my stomach tied in knots too tightly to let me speak. I get my own bags and follow Anastasia out of the apartment. She tells me to come with her as she goes down the stairs and we leave Alex to lock the door behind us.

"So… coffee first and then it's off to the airport for you two." Anastasia takes the bags from me and puts them in the trunk, turning to give me a grin. Whatever expression is on my face stops her short, the smile disappearing from her mouth. "You okay, squirt? You're not nervous, are you?"

I shrug one shoulder, but I think the answer is pretty damn obvious.

She touches my upper arm, casting a glance back at Alex who's coming down the stairs now. "You're gonna do fine," she promises, turning back to look at me. She gives me a wide smile and somehow, it makes the hollow feeling in my gut worse. "Seriously. If they weren't already impressed with you, why would they pay for you to get out there?"

I don't know how much of that I can believe. But her words stir something in my chest that eases the heaviness. Still… the bruises and marks Dad left are still littered across my face. Maybe one look at that will have this school changing their mind in a heartbeat.

"Thanks, Ana." I shrug her arm off me and start for the passenger side of her car. She catches my arm before I can get far, and pulls me into a tight hug.

She squeezes me. "Stop it, okay? You're talented. You're really talented." She pulls away to look at me and though it's hard to see her expression in the dark, I picture her mouth pulled into a frown, a look of determination in her eyes. "You've come this far, don't you chicken out now."

"I'm not chickening out," I scoff, pulling away from her as Alex comes to a stop next to us.

He moves around Anastasia to put his bag in the trunk and I manage to slip away from her. I get to the passenger side of the car and slide into the backseat, clicking my seatbelt into place as Anastasia opens the driver's door.

She plops down and starts the engine before she adjusts the rearview mirror. I know she's looking at me in the mirror but I turn my gaze out the window and keep it there. I've got a death grip around my phone and my right leg is jittering nervously up and down.

Alex closes the trunk and gets into the passenger seat, settling in with a heavy sigh. He drops his phone into the center console and talks softly with Anastasia about where to go for the coffee. She says something about Starbucks and pulls out of the parking lot.

I tune out of the conversation, staring out the dark window as blurry shapes pass by.

Anastasia turns the radio on, and I lean my head against the seat, my eyes slipping closed. The rhythm of the road is soothing, and exhaustion quickly pulls me under. I should have slept through the night instead but… I'll take what I can get.


Alex wakes me when we get to the airport. For how groggy I feel now, I almost wish I hadn't fallen asleep. But I take in a few mouthfuls of the coffee Alex ordered for me and hope that it wakes me up.

I get out of the car and Anastasia follows us up to the front door – pulling one of Alex's suitcases behind her.

"Thanks for giving us a ride." Alex holds out his arms for a hug and though Anastasia scoffs, she hugs him, fitting herself tightly against him.

When they break apart, she turns to me and I'm smothered in a hug too. I don't know how to do stuff like this. Get on a plane and fly to a college that might be interested in me.

Someone that used to be so damn important to me is in the hospital. And I'm going on a fucking vacation.

Anastasia pulls away from me, grinning widely. "Give 'em hell, kid."

"Thanks." I smile with the word and even though it's forced as hell, Anastasia takes it. And then we're heading into the airport, leaving her behind.

We're separated at the security point but it doesn't take long until we're both lounging in a couple of empty seats, our carry-on luggage at our feet.

I'm staring up at the ceiling, wondering if it's still too early to text Danny, and Alex is reading something on his phone. He shifts next to me and when I roll my head toward him, he's watching me.

I slouch down further. "What?"

"Ana thinks you're nervous." He lifts one eyebrow when I don't say anything. "You know it's okay if you are, right?"

I shrug, looking away from him. I can feel his gaze on me, but I let mine drift throughout the airport.

Eventually, he goes back to reading. And I try to convince myself that my heart's not trying to beat its way out of my chest.

We're only waiting for another few minutes before we start boarding. Once we're on the plane, I can't get one of my legs to stop shaking. I think Alex notices but he doesn't say anything about it. I can't decide if I want him to or not.

Thankfully, the plane ride is short, and it doesn't take us long through security. We're walking through the airport, Alex looking on his phone for a taxi company, when something catches my attention.

An older guy in a black suit is holding a sign with my name on it. Like he's waiting for me.

"Alex." I tap him on the shoulder.

He looks up from his phone and then at where I'm staring. For a second, neither of us make a move. We've come to a stop beside a row of empty chairs in the airport, people passing us by.

"Dash Baxter?" the guy in the suit calls out, vaguely looking my way as he scans the airport.

I don't think I would have made a move if Alex's hand wasn't on my back, gently guiding me forward.

"Here," I call, giving a little wave when the guy looks toward me. I can't tell if the smile I've forced looks natural or not but at the very least, it gets me one in response.

The guy steps forward to shake my hand. "Good morning, gentlemen. My name is Liam." He extends the handshake to Alex now. "Amridge University would like to welcome you to the wonderful city of Rockford."

"It's good to be here," Alex says.

I nod to his sentiment, earning another beaming smile from Liam.

"Mr. Daniels would like to take you both on a tour of the campus before sharing lunch with you. Shall I take you to your hotel on the way?"

Alex exchanges glances with me and though suspicion crosses his expression, he gives me a nod.

We follow Liam out of the airport and into the waiting car – a light gray Chevy Suburban – that's obviously been cleaned within an inch of its life.

We make idle chatter on the way to the hotel. Liam asks how our flight was, Alex asks how long Liam's been living in Rockford, and I try to keep up with everything. My heart has started pounding again and the nerves eating me alive are worse than it was on the plane.

When Liam pulls the car to a stop in the parking lot of the hotel, he offers to help carry our bags inside.

"We've got it. Thanks anyway," Alex says with a smile before he opens the door.

I slide out after him and the two of us get our bags from the trunk. The pavement beneath our feet is wet in patches, from where it must have rained earlier in the day.

I follow Alex into the hotel, watching the lines that the wheels on his luggage are leaving on the dry pavement.

Alex checks us in and as soon as we have the key to our room, we get in the elevator and head up. When the doors close after us, I lean back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling and willing myself to calm down.

"You doing okay?" Alex asks, leaning his shoulder against mine.

His warmth reminds me that my feet are on the ground and I'm not floating away. It keeps my heart inside my chest and not crawling up the back of my throat. I think as long as I have Alex at my side, I'll be okay. I think I'll get through this.

"Yeah, I'm good." I shift my stare to him and I can tell he's not convinced. So I give him a small smile. "Kinda cool that they… got somebody to pick us up, huh?"

Alex is hesitant for a second before he's smiling too. "Well, clearly they already recognize what a valuable person you'd be not only to the team but to the college as well. So… they've gotten a point with me."

My heart swells at that. Knowing that Alex is rooting for me and keeping score on this college. If I get in over my head, I know Alex is gonna be there to pull me out of it. I think as long as he's here with me, everything's gonna turn out the way it's supposed to.


Liam takes us straight to Amridge. The sprawling campus, covered in about six feet of snow, greets us as he pulls into the empty parking lot. He parks the Suburban in front of a building labeled Norris Hall.

"Mr. Hollins is waiting for you inside," Liam says, idling in the parking space. "When you're done, they'll call me, and I'll take you back to your hotel tonight."

Alex looks to me before sliding across the seat to open the door. "Alright. Thanks for the ride."

"Thank you," I echo, following Alex out of the car.

He shuts the door after me and walks by my side up to the front doors. I duck my chin further down in my jacket, the wind stinging my cheeks.

There's a man standing just inside the entry way of Norris Hall. He's leaning against one wall, typing something on his phone. He looks up when we step inside.

"Dash Baxter?" he asks, pushing away from the wall.

I nod, my teeth chattering too badly to speak. I never thought I'd find somewhere colder than Amity Park.

He comes our way. "Hi, call me Mark. I'm the athletic director here at Amridge University. We're glad to have you here today."

He shakes my hand and Alex's in turn, pocketing his phone with the other hand. "Michael – that is, Coach Daniels – is waiting for us in his office. He's excited to meet you."

I shoot him a smile that I'm sure is wobbly, but he just returns the gesture, motioning for the two of us to follow him.

Alex walks beside me down the hall to Coach Daniels office. With the way my stomach is all twisted up, I have the urge to reach for his hand, but I don't. I can walk down a damn hallway on my own.

Mark turns right and walks past a few gray doors before he stops. He raps his knuckles against the door and there's a soft "come in" from inside.

He gives us a smile as he opens the door for us. "After you."

Great, just what I wanted – to be the first to walk into this office. Alex shoots me a look like he'll do it if I want him to, but I square my shoulders and step inside the office.

Coach Daniels is seated behind an executive desk, windows open behind him to show the snowy parking lot. Across the room, there's several couches crowded around a glass coffee table. And his walls are adorned with several dozen framed photos of players – some in Amridge colors, some in NFL jerseys.

He's got his desk phone in his hand, receiver pressed to his ear. He holds up one finger and drops his gaze to his desk, nodding again.

Mark closes the door behind the three of us. He gestures for me and Alex to sit in the chairs across from Coach Daniels. I wait until Alex sits before I join him.

"Right," Coach Daniels says into his phone, writing something down on a piece of paper. "Yes, of course. We'll see you then. You take care."

He hangs his phone up and looks to Mark with a smile. "That was that kid, Joseph – the one from that high school in Texas?"

Mark frowns for a second before his expression clears and he's eagerly nodding. "Right, yeah. Did he decide on a visit after all?"

"Yep. Plan is next month but there's still some things up in the air on his end." He shrugs, his gaze drifting from Mark to me.

Anxiety creeps up into my veins again even though he gives me a smile.

"Hello, Dash. It's good to finally meet you." He leans forward, extending his hand toward me.

I shake his head. "It's good to meet you, too, sir."

"Please, call me Michael." He turns to Alex, frowning a little as he extends his hand. "You're his… brother?"

Alex lets out a short laugh as he clasps Michael's hand. "No. I'm his guardian. My name's Alex."

"Ah. Well, it's good to meet you, too." He looks between us before pushing his chair back from his desk. "You ready to take a look at our beautiful campus?"

I've been looking at pictures online, but I've heard that there's nothing like seeing it in person.

I stand when Michael does. Alex's hand brushes mine as he gets to his feet. He shoots me a smile when I look his way and I do my best to return it.

My stomach's in knots as we walk down the hall, but Michael starts to talk – pulling my mind far away from these nerves.

"You know, Amridge was founded in the 1940's. We've had so many students come and go through these doors. It's always an honor when they choose to study here." He looks to Alex. "What university did you attend?"

Alex falters in his step. I don't think Michael notices but I do. He's on edge now, quietly letting out a breath. "I didn't."

"Oh… well that's alright. It's not always the right path for everyone," he says, turning to glance at Mark. "Did you speak with Evan?"

Mark nods, sliding his phone from his back pocket. "He can't make it."

I try to catch Alex's eye but he won't look my way. His mouth is set in a frown, gaze drifting further down the hall.

Michael tsks softly, turning around to look at me. "Sorry – I wanted to have one of our players meet you."

I shrug, turning away from Alex. "It's okay. Thanks anyway."

"You've seen the photos on our website, yes?" Mark asks, turning to look at me over his shoulder.

"I have," I say.

He nods. "Good. As you can tell – we're pretty snowed over. I don't know how much you're gonna be able to tell about the campus today."

"Yeah, we usually like to have juniors visit us the summer before senior year," Michael says.

We come to a stop just before the exit doors and he turns to look at me. It's like he's studying me and something about the gaze sets those nerves alive in my stomach again.

"Up until the end of last year, I was unaware you were available for recruitment… the last I heard, you weren't interested in attending university." He places his hand on the door handle, raising one eyebrow.

I don't want to get into the shit storm with Mom. It's stupid and I don't even know if it's entirely her fault. She shouldn't have hid the college scouts interest from me, but it's not like I was looking for opportunities back then.

"I was figuring things out," I say.

Michael hesitates a moment longer before he pulls open the door. "I understand."

The four of us step outside together – back into the cold, snowy atmosphere – and start for the football field.

I bury my hands in my pockets, wishing I'd worn something warmer.

"We actually spoke to one of your teammates last year," Mark says as we start through the parking lot.

I slide on a patch of ice and nearly fall in a huge pile-up of snow next to several cars. Alex catches my upper arms and stops me from hitting the ground.

"You okay?" Alex asks, keeping me upright.

"Yeah," I say, turning to give him a smile. "Thanks."

He returns the smile, but I don't think it reaches his eyes. Something's holding him back now. It wasn't before.

"Careful there, it can get really slick," Michael says, turning back to give me a smile. "It's not far to the field."

I watch where I'm walking a little more carefully now, keeping pace with everyone. We walk along the parking lot until we reach the embankment, all covered in snow, that separates the parking lot from the football field.

As Mark jogs ahead to unlock the gate, I debate over whether or not to ask but… it's out of my mouth before I can stop it.

"If I can ask, which one of my teammates did you talk to?"

We come to a stop at the gate and Michael looks back at me. "Oh, Blake Weston. Smart kid. One hell of a player."

Blake? They considered Blake for this team?

Michael grins as he turns to look at the field. "Isn't it beautiful? There's nothing like a football field."

I follow him through the gate, my mind a million miles away from this campus now. I can't wrap my head around Blake being here.

"Did he visit here, too?" I ask, not sure if I really want the answer.

Michael shakes his head. "No, we spoke on the phone this past November. He let me know he wasn't interested."

Wait – Blake was offered something back in November and didn't bring it up? He loves to brag. Why wouldn't he mention it?

"Dash Baxter, your days of high school football are over," Mark says, doing a grand sweep of his arms, showing off the field. "College football is where it's at, kid. This fall, your name's gonna be up in lights."

"You'll bring the crowds in for sure."

Mark gives me a wink. "Not to mention the cheerleaders."

I don't know if I want to be the center of attention like this. And why the fuck did Blake pass this college up?

Michael closes some of the distance between us. He puts his hands on my shoulders, turning me to face the bleachers.

"We can fit over three thousand fans here. Just picture them all chanting your name." He squeezes my shoulders. "All your days of high school football have finally been recognized. You belongon a field, Dash. Our field."

A shiver runs down my spine and I actually can picture it. Autumn turning all the trees behind the bleachers into golden sunsets. Crisp air settling across our skin on Friday nights in late October. Fans screaming. The crowd going nuts over the winning shot.

I want this. I want to play ball.


Mark gets a text on his phone from some assistant, letting him know that lunch has been delivered to Michael's office. We all abandon the cold pretty quickly in favor of hot, greasy pizza.

Michael tosses his keys on the desk when he steps inside his office. He nods to the couches across the room. "Please, make yourselves at home."

Alex follows me over to the couches and I sink down on one end. He sits next to me as Michael carries the pizza box to the coffee table.

"I think today calls for a little Dom Perignon," Mark says, grinning widely as he sets a bucket of ice down on the coffee table. He produces a bottle of champagne from somewhere in the room and pops the cork. "Can I tempt you with a glass, Mike?"

Michael looks to him, nodding before he opens the lid of the first pizza box. "We're both meat eaters here but the one below is just cheese – if either of you would prefer that."

"This is fine," I say, sliding a piece onto a paper plate. Alex follows suit as Mark takes a seat to Michael's left.

Mark pours champagne for him and Michael before setting a glass down in front of both me and Alex.

"He's eighteen," Alex says.

Mark shrugs, giving me a grin. "We know how to keep our mouth shut here at Amridge. What's a few glasses between friends, huh?"

He glances to Michael, nudging him with his elbow. "I'd like to propose a toast." He looks back to me with a smile. "To you, Dash."

Michael sets his pizza down and picks up his glass, raising it up with a smile. Alex is looking between the two and it's like the uneasiness is radiating off him.

I drink with my friends all the time but… this is different. I'm used to parties on the weekend and beer pong. Not midday champagne over pizza.

"May your highlight reel simply be a snapshot in your long career in the wonderful world of football," Mark says, tipping his glass toward me.

I think I'm supposed to cheers him. Part of me doesn't want to – I'm eighteen. Why the hell are they serving me alcohol?

Alex is watching me as I pick up my glass. But I hold it out to Mark anyway. Michael joins our glasses and the three of us clink together.

And I down half the glass in a couple of swallows. It's only champagne. What's the harm in having a glass or two?

"Just think – in a few months, this will all be behind you." Michael winks. "You're an incredible player. Amridge is lucky to have you."

I don't know that they "have me" yet. It's a beautiful college and from everything I've seen online, it's a great place to learn and to play ball. But… I don't know that it's right for me.

We devour the pizza and every time my glass is empty, Mark fills it up again. I can tell Alex is uncomfortable, so I drink my third and fourth glasses slower. It's starting to make my head feel fuzzy and the taste is a little sickly, anyway.

Michael's going on about the players on the wall – telling me their stats when they were at Amridge. A couple of them went on to big names in the NFL.

"Every season grants at least one player a spot in the NFL," Michael says, gesturing to a photo just above my head. "Bart Matthews went on to the Green Bay Packers last fall. Best running back I've ever coached."

I look to the picture, taking in the guy's wide grin. He's smaller than I am – not quite as muscular. It's a good thing for his position. But still, there's such a difference between us. He looks like he belongs here – hanging on the wall of his old coach's wall. I don't know if that's me. I don't know if I could ever belong here.

"If you want to go pro, Amridge can get you there," Mark says, leaning forward to top off my glass again when I look to him.

Alex lets out a breath slowly, turning his gaze away from us. He shifts his stare from the awards and photos displayed throughout the room. I don't think he feels I belong here either.

"He's right. We hold our athletes in high regard here. You go with us and you'll have your pick of an NFL team."

"They'll all be asking about you," Mark adds, grinning when I shift my stare to his. "You sign with us, kid, and you'll have the opportunities most guys would kill for."

"You'll have choices, son. The sky's the limit for Amridge players," Michael says, his smile matching Mark's.

It's nice knowing they want me. And even though I'm not sure about going pro yet, having the option would be good. If Amridge can get me there, I'd be an idiot to pass this up.

But I'm not deciding like this. Not while I'm tipsy.

"I really appreciate everything you've done for me," I say, looking between the two of them. "Truly – you've really put it into perspective for me."

"Good, I'm glad to hear that," Mark says. "We can-"

"It's a big decision to make though," I cut him off, drawing in a breath as Alex looks back to me. "I'm going to take some time to think it over and let you know my answer soon."

Michael's expression drops and Mark lets out a breath. I think they were expecting me to agree right here. Maybe more players do – hell maybe this is the chance of a lifetime and I'm being an idiot. But I can't decide like this.

"Of course. We completely understand," Michael says. "You shouldn't rush something like this."

I get to my feet, extending my hand toward him. "It was great to meet you."

Michael rises to his feet, grasping my hand in his. "Likewise."

Mark shakes my hand next and Alex is quick to get to his feet. I think he's ready to be out of here.

"Thanks for having us," Alex says, shaking both of their hands in turn.

Mark picks up his phone from the coffee table. "Let me call Liam to pick you up."

"We'll wait for him in the parking lot," Alex says, stepping past him to open the door.

"I'll walk you out, then," Michael says.

I can tell Alex is about to turn down the offer, so I cut him off.

"Thanks, I appreciate it." I smile and he returns it.

He steps out of his office with us and I let him take the lead. Alex keeps pace with me, putting his jacket on as we walk.

Michael holds open the exit doors for us and follows us down to the parking lot. He's quiet as we walk, a contemplative expression on his face. I get the feeling that he wants to say something but he's choosing his words carefully.

The sun's hanging low in the sky, casting this golden hue over the snow piled up in the parking lot. It's beautiful like this.

We stand in silence in the icy parking lot for a few minutes. I'm starting to question Alex's idea to wait outside. I can barely feel my face anymore.

"I know we might have come on a little strong today," Michael says, breaking the silence. He's frowning when I look at him. "I want you to know that we really believe in you. In all the players we take on. We wouldn't have made you an offer if we didn't see your potential."

I nod. "I know."

He returns his stare to the pavement. And it's not long until headlights shine across the three of us as Liam pulls into the parking lot.

"If you need anything, give us a call, alright?" Michael says, patting me on the shoulder.

"Will do." I shake his hand again. "Thanks for today. I really appreciate you taking the time to meet with me."

He nods. "Of course. Take care, Dash."

I cross over to the Suburban and Alex opens the door for me. He follows me into the car and as soon as we're buckled in, Liam pulls out of the parking lot.

We're halfway to the hotel when I tug my phone from my pocket. It's been long enough, for sure.

To: Danny

Hey

How's your day been?

His response is immediate.

From: Danny

SHUT UP

HOW'S YOURS?

TELL ME THEY LIKED YOU

I can't stop the snort from leaving me and though I catch Alex's attention, he doesn't look my way for long. Good thing too – I'm not sure I'd be able to respond with him staring at me.

To: Danny

Yeah, they liked me

At least I think they did lol

My day was good but seriously, how was yours?

From: Danny

Can you Skype?

We're pulling into the hotel's parking lot now. Liam wishes us goodnight and I follow Alex out of the car. I'm exhausted but I think I'm too wired to sleep.

To: Danny

I should be able to. Gimme a minute – headed up to the hotel room now

Alex is quiet as we cross through the lobby. But as soon as we're in the elevator, he wraps his arm around my shoulders, holding me close to him.

"I'm really proud of you. You handled yourself well today."

I don't know if downing four glasses of champagne was really handling myself. But still… his praise sends that warmth racing through me again.

"Even… with the alcohol?" I ask, my voice small on the words.

Alex exhales out slowly, his gaze darting around the inside of the elevator. "It's not like it's the first time you've had it. In your shoes, I might have done the same thing."

He looks to me with a gentle smile. "I'm not upset or disappointed with you, if that's what you're wondering. I think you handled the situation well."

"Thanks. And… thank you for coming with me." I look to him. "I don't know how I would have done this without you."

He leans closer to me to kiss my forehead. "You would have done just as well without me there. Today was all you, amor."

I don't recognize the Spanish word and the elevator opens before I can ask.

"I'm gonna grab a shower. I'm thinking we should order room service after." He stretches his arms over his head as we start down the hall toward our room.

He pulls the key from his pocket even though we're still a few doors down. I hesitate for just a second longer before I catch his arm.

"Hang on. Can I… ask you something?"

He's hesitant, but he nods anyway. I don't know how to phrase it. He doesn't have to tell me anything. But… I can't ignore the way he reacted to such a simple question.

"When… Michael asked you where you'd been to college you kind of-"

Alex cuts me off, putting distance between us. He shakes his head, his stare set off into the hallway. "Don't. I can't."

What?

My voice comes out soft when I try again. "I was only wondering if-"

"Please don't." His voice is softer than mine now and he won't look at me. His jaw is set, hands clenched at his sides. Like he's holding back all these ugly emotions.

I don't want to push him like this. Whatever this is, it still hurts. I can't ask him to relive that pain.

"I'm sorry."

He shakes his head, opening his mouth to respond. He gives up after a few seconds of silence, starting for our room again.

"Do you want to shower before me?" he asks, fitting the key into the lock.

I join him in front of the door. "No. I'm actually… gonna Skype with Danny first. So, you go ahead. We can browse the room service menu afterward."

He gives me a gentle smile when he opens the door, nodding. "Sounds like a plan."

I get set up on the bed as soon as we're inside, my mind going over everything Alex said. What he didn't say.

He shuffles around the room – gathering his clothes, laying out his outfit for tomorrow across the desk, plugging up his phone to charge – and I text Danny, letting him know I'll be on soon.

It takes another ten minutes but as soon as Alex closes the bathroom door behind him, I'm logging into Skype. Danny's incoming call notification fills my screen less than a minute later and I can't understand the rush of anxiety that floods my veins. It's just Danny. But… then again, it's Danny.

I answer the call and wait in agony as my computer catches up, loading his face in just a matter of seconds. He's got his glasses on and he's wearing a pair of bright pink oversized headphones. He smiles when he sees me, and it sends my heart racing and lights my own face with a stupid grin.

"Hey,"he greets. The tone of his voice is subdued but his smile is genuine. At least… as far as I can tell over a webcam feed. "How'd it go today? Tell me they saw how amazing you are."

I blush at that. He knows how to fluster me more than anyone and I don't know if I'll ever get used to it.

He tilts his head to one side, watching as I awkwardly palm the back of my neck, trying to come up with the right words. He's patient as he waits and I'm not sure I could be if I were him. I guess that's why we work.

"I uh… I really like the place. I'm just not sure if Amridge is the right place for me," I admit, chewing on my bottom lip for a split second before I continue. "I mean… the coach is great. The athletic director, too. They were both really nice, it's just…"

"Not the right fit?"Danny guesses it easily and I only have to nod. "That's okay. It's not your only option. You can look around before you make a decision."

I want to ask him if he'd make the decision for me – so we could go to the same school – but I know how selfish that is. This is something I have to figure out for myself. I know I'll want his opinion about this school, especially. But asking him to decide isn't fair to either one of us.

"How's your day been?" I earn a smile from him with the question.

He ducks his head just a little and lifts his gaze past his computer screen.

"Good,"he says, drawing out the word before he looks back at the screen with that same smile on his face. "My parents are in their room. So, I'm trying to keep it down so they don't hear me." He taps the headphones with one finger. "That's what these are for. They used to be my sister's, but I'm borrowing them for now."

I can't help but grin. "They look good on you."

"Shut up."He rolls his eyes. "So… besides the college, how's it been going for you?"

I lean back on the bed, turning my gaze to the ceiling long enough to think. Whenever I'm looking at him, I can't focus on anything inside my head. I'm too focused on his smile or how fucking lucky I am to finally call him mine.

"It's been good. Alex is really supportive." I drop my stare back to the computer screen, catching the hint of a smile on Danny's face. "What?"

He shakes his head. "Nothing. I'm just… glad your day was good."

There's something about the way he says it and the smile on his face that fills my chest with the kind of warmth I've never had the right to own. He makes me happier just from a handful of words than I've managed to make myself in eighteen years. That has to mean something.

Fate, or destiny, or whatever it is let me have him. And I don't plan on ever letting him go.


Even a couple hundred miles away from me, Dad's reach is still so strong. It's like this sick hold over me. It invades my dreams – waking me in the middle of the night. Again.

Alex is still asleep next to me when I sit up. I guess I didn't scream this time. At least that's fucking progress.

I push my shaky hands through my hair. Sweat is pooling at the back of my neck and down my chest. I'd strip my t-shirt off if I wasn't still shivering.

Panic tears its way through my chest and tears sting my eyes. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to wake up with these feelings caught in my chest.

I just want to be normal.

Alex makes a noise in his sleep, and it spurs me into action. I can't wake him up. Not again.

I leave the warmth of the bed and move into the bathroom. My hands are shaky on the lock, but I manage to turn it. It's all I can do to collapse on the lid of the toilet and bury my face in my hands.

Shivers race through me and I struggle to control my breathing. The trick Danny taught me about is lost in my head. It's somewhere else – hiding out while I continue to panic.

I leave the toilet and turn the faucet on. I splash the cold water on my face, trying to snap myself out of this. It was only a dream. It's not real.

The water doesn't help. Nothing does. I don't know if anything ever will. It's like being trapped – halfway between life and death. Neither one wants you. So, hell holds onto you. Until one plane or the other decides to take you.

Tears prick my eyes and blur my vision. I pull a clean towel from the basket by the shower, sinking down on the floor. I can't do this. I can't fucking do this.

I bury my face in the towel, trying to smother the sound of my own agony.

It shouldn't be this hard. Thoughts of Dad shouldn't drive me to this point. A dream shouldn't tear me apart like this.

I should be better. I have to be better.


In the end, I get myself calm enough to sleep for a little while longer. And it's only a few hours until Alex's alarm goes off. I'm not asleep long enough to have another nightmare so… I count that as a win.

We leave the hotel early to head to the airport. We're checked in quickly, but our flight's been delayed. We're connected to a flight leaving a few hours later instead. So, we hang out in the lounge for a while, playing with a deck of cards.

"You start school back the week after next, right?"

I look up at the question, discarding one card from my hand. "Yeah, why?"

"Just curious." He lets go of one of his cards, too, and deals us both another one. He groans when he flips over the new card. "Fuck me, I'm losing."

"You should have folded." I grin, leaning over to swipe my loot.

Neither of us have anything to trade so we got snacks from the vending machines to bid on. I've just collected his last pack of gummy bears.

"You want to split that with me?" he asks, one corner of his mouth quirking upward into a smile. "Come on, I let you keep your Oreo's earlier."

"I was eating them."

He swipes for the pack, but I hold it out of reach. He narrows his eyes, leaning back. "You know, I could easily take that back. I just don't want to hurt you."

"Suuure."

I toss him the pack anyway, grinning as he tears into the plastic with his teeth. "What made you think of me starting school again?"

He shrugs, dropping two red gummies in his open mouth. "Nothing specific. Do you have everything you need?"

I could probably do with a couple new pairs of jeans. I think I've gotten the last few good wears out of the pair I'm currently in. And there's still a few at home that I don't have anymore.

The thought of home ripples through me, and my breath catches when I inhale.

Alex looks at me at the noise, his eyebrows drawing downward.

I drop my gaze back to the cards, gathering them up to shuffle. "I've got mostly everything. Probably just need a notebook or two. Maybe a new pair of jeans."

"Okay. Just make a list of anything you can think of and we'll pick it up sometime next week."

The speaker overhead crackles and we both look up as the announcement starts.

"Flights 331 and 407 have been cancelled. Please visit the front desk to be connected to a new flight."

Alex sighs. "We're never getting out of here."

He gets up from his chair, stretching his arms over his head with a groan. I could probably do with some stretching, too. We've been sitting here for hours.

"I'm gonna go talk to the front desk again – see if there's any way we can get out of here tonight."

I watch him head to the front desk, getting lost in the throng of the other passengers – all demanding to know when any of us will get on our flights.

He's at the desk forever, a frown creasing his features as he nods to what he's being told. From the look on his face, I'm guessing it's not good.

"Next flight's not leaving until eight." He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers. "You want to get something for lunch?"

"Sure."

We each stuff what's left of our vending machine finds into our carry-on bags, before heading to the dining area. It's gonna be a long wait, and nothing sounds better than a greasy burger and a pack of fries.

With a little perseverance and strong coffee, I think we'll make it through this.


After lunch, we go back to playing cards, this time with a mug of coffee for each of us. But it's not enough to replace the sleep I lost last night.

When we're back in the lounge, I end up passing out on Alex's shoulder for a while. I'm in some distant dream where Danny's spoon-feeding me cake when Alex wakes me up.

"Hey, we're not getting on a plane tonight," he says softly, watching me rub my eyes. "They just played another announcement over the intercom. This weather isn't going to clear until tomorrow morning."

Great. That leaves us stuck here for another night.

"Come on, we'll get a hotel room," Alex says, helping me gather up my stuff.

Exhaustion pulls at me heavily as we leave the airport. It's surreal. It feels like the sun should be up by now but it's just now getting dark outside. The barest hint of blue is lingering in the sky but from the way the clouds are hanging, I think the snow is going to take that away soon.

Alex whistles for a taxi and I try not to nod off in the middle of the street. As soon as we're in the backseat, he lets me have his shoulder again, and I'm out within seconds.

The ride to the hotel is bumpy and I wake several times before exhaustion drags me away again. It's been a long time since I've fallen asleep this easily. I miss it instantly when Alex wakes me again, this time outside the hotel.

I trudge in behind him and wait while we're checked in. Apparently, a lot of people have come from the airport so finding a room with enough space is tough.

We end up in a tiny room with barely more than a single bed and a bathroom, but I don't care. As long as I can get a couple hours of sleep in and down coffee in the morning, I'll pass out anywhere.

Alex leads me to our room, and lets me in first, taking my bags from me when we get to the bed.

"I'm gonna take a shower before I sleep. Do you want to take one, too?" he asks and nods when I shake my head. "Okay, you go ahead and lay down then. I'll try not to wake you."

I give him a final nod and while he starts getting his clothes from his bag, I kick my shoes off and crawl on top of the covers.

My eyelids are heavy and the last thing I remember seeing is a text from Danny, sent several hours ago. I don't have the brain power to read it, so I drop my phone on the nightstand and drift off to sleep instantly.


It feels like it's been hours when Alex gets in bed beside me. His movement drags me from sleep, and I roll onto my back, blinking against the darkness still pulling at me.

It's lighter in the room – Alex's left the bathroom light on, the door cracked open just a little.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you," he says softly, the scent of his toothpaste drifting toward me with the words.

I swallow, running my tongue along the front of my teeth. Ugh. I should probably brush my teeth, too. I feel like I spent the better part of a week in that airport.

"It's cool." I roll over to grab my phone, squinting against the brightness before I turn it down. I stifle a yawn, and open Danny's messages, trying to make sense of them in my groggy state.

From: Danny

I hope you slept well!

Oh and just so you know – as soon as your plane touches down, I want to be kissing you

I miss you so much and I know that's weird because we haven't been together that long

I'm just so damn crazy about you, Dash

Is that okay?

I can't imagine a scenario where it wouldn't be. He wants me. He's crazy about me. And it's not too much too fast because… I'm just as crazy about him.

To: Danny

It's more than okay

I'm crazy about you too

Can't wait to see you again. All flights are cancelled until tomorrow morning so I don't know when I'll be back

But I'll kiss you all over as soon as I am

Alex shifts next to me and I close out of Danny's messages, scrolling through the few that Kwan has sent me.

"You doing okay?"

I look up from my phone and find Alex watching me. There's worry in his expression and I don't understand it.

"Yeah…? I'm just exhausted."

Alex turns his gaze to the ceiling. He doesn't say anything for a few moments, and I wait him out. He's hesitating and debating and I wonder if has anything to do with what I asked in the hotel the other night.

He shut down so fast then, I can't imagine that he'd bring it up so easily now.

He chews on his bottom lip, draws in even breaths – anything to breathe that sense of calm back into his bones. I know how that feels. I've done it before. So, I keep my gaze away from him and give him space enough to collect himself.

"I heard you the other night," he finally says, exhaling heavily.

He finally looks at me, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip for a second before he continues. "The day we got to Amridge – you thought I was asleep, but I wasn't."

A cold flush washes over me and I fidget nervously, unable to keep his gaze. I don't want to be the one to say it. I don't want him to make me say it.

"I heard you crying," he finally says, his voice soft on the few words. His tone does little to soften the blow of the words.

I didn't expect him to hear me. I thought he was asleep. I turned the tap on to drown it out. Smothered the sound with a towel.

I close my eyes, wishing we were talking about anything else. I'd take his teasing remarks about Danny and how easily I blush over this. I'm fine. At least… I will be.

"Was it a nightmare?"

I choke at the question, the lump in my throat almost impossible to swallow past. It wasn't just a nightmare. I'm living my nightmares and I don't know how to stop. I can't let people in because that's not how I work. I don't know how.

Dad kicks my ass and I get the fuck over it. It's all I've ever known.

"I want to help you, but I need you to talk to me. You have to tell me what you're feeling – what you're going through," Alex urges, his tone still soft, but there's an underlying insistence now. Like he'll push me if he has to. I don't want him to. I can't handle that right now.

I swallow hard, blinking against the pricking sensation in my eyes. "Alex-"

I can't get much more than his name past my lips and my voice dies out halfway anyway. It's useless. I'm no good at this stuff – at opening up and letting people see what makes me tick. I've never had to do it before but… I have to now.

If I want to stop sewing my own wounds closed, and pretending that I'm not bleeding, I have to let people help me. Even if it goes against everything I've ever done before.

"I'm terrified," I admit, pushing my hand through my hair, knotting my fingers around several strands. I'm shaking just from two words, and I know it's only a matter of time before I completely shatter.

Alex wants the truth and I want to give it to him. But it costs me and right now… I don't know if I have it in me. I don't know if I can own up to how badly all of this is fucking me up.

Alex's shoulder is against mine as he scoots closer to me. "Of what? Howard?"

I shake my head, opening my eyes as I sit up on the bed, dragging in breaths just to keep from panicking. I can't talk about this shit. Not with the person that's doing everything he can for me.

He's helping me move into his place. He and Kendra have taken me with them to look at houses. Because they care and I'm… I'm just not fucking worth it.

Alex sits up next to me, his hand on my back. "What are you afraid of?"

Nothing. Everything. I don't know how to tell him the truth. That my panic has progressed from waking me in the middle of the night to fucking with me all day. Everything's different now. I've never changed this much at once.

I'm leaving Dad behind. I'm never going to see Mom again. I'm moving in with people who have become more like a family to me than my own flesh and fucking blood. I'm visiting colleges that don't know half of my shit and don't know that I could never deserve something this good. I'm kissing a boy made of starlight when I know something out there is gonna fuck it up.

I wasn't born for this kind of stuff. What gives me the right to have the things I want?

"Dash?"

I drag in a breath that feels like I'm suffocating and that dam I've tried so hard to build comes crumbling down. I can't hold back this river – I don't know why I ever tried.

"Everything is changing, and it terrifies me," I choke out, the emotion clogging up my throat – making it hard to speak. "I-I'm never gonna see my mom again and Dad's in the hospital and I-"

I press my fist to my lips, dropping my forehead into my other palm. I can't do this. I can't sit here and whine about everything I don't have. I have Alex. I have people that care about me. I have a boy so beautiful, he stops the whole world with his smile. That should be enough. Fuck, why isn't that enough for me? Why am I still so selfish?

"Hey, I know that things have been tough for you. And I know… that change is never easy." Alex slides his arm around my back, trying to pull me closer to him. "But I can promise you that no matter what comes from here on out, I'm gonna be by your side. You won't have to worry about anything because I'm going to be right here for you."

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why my first instinct is to run. To not believe him. I'm not wired this way. I don't know how to let pretty words and a shoulder to cry on be enough. To let it soothe my rattled bones and steer me far off the cliff I'm all too ready to jump off of.

I can't do this. I can't let Alex not be enough.

"I'm sorry, I-I don't know how to do this," I confess, only shifting my fist far enough to let me speak. "I'm not wired this way, I don't know how to… how to…"

Alex squeezes my shoulders and I push away from, desperately craving distance in this anxiety-fueled moment. I don't need his arm around me and I don't need words of comfort. I need yelling and broken bones and the taste of my own blood. It's the only way I know how to learn.

"I don't know if I can do this," I confess, halfway across the room now, my legs shaking beneath me.

"Do what?"

"This," I spit, turning around to gesture at him. "This college stuff, moving in with you – any of it. I don't… I can't do this stuff. I'm not built for it."

Alex stands, trying to close some of the distance between us but I keep it in place.

I back up until I'm against the wall, staring up at the ceiling and trying to breathe calm back into my bones. This isn't how I wanted to do this. I didn't want to confess the way my heart has begun to beat out of time again. How all these changes are starting to shake my core and scare me badly enough to consider running.

I hate admitting it, but I can't deny the way my mind has entertained the notion of packing a bag and disappearing in the dead of night. Skipping town worked for Mom – why can't I be that selfish, too?

"I think you're built for more than just this," Alex says softly, and I squeeze my eyes closed at his kindness. "I mean it. I think you're more capable of this than you realize."

I shake my head, swallowing past the lump in my throat. "I'm not."

"Yes, you are. You're one of the strongest people I know. And… I know that things are tough – hell, I know that things are scary right now. But it doesn't mean that you can't do this. That you're somehow not worth it."

He guesses it so easily – the point my soul has reached the past few weeks. I'm just a kid with a couple of shitty parents. There are tons of people like me out there. What makes me so special? Why do I get to be the one to leave it all behind?

"I don't want to leave him," I confess, feeling pathetic when my voice cracks. "I don't want to leave behind everything I've ever known. I don't… I don't think I can."

Alex closes the distance between us, his hands on my shoulders for only a second before he's pulling me into his arms. "You can. I'm gonna be with you every step of the way," he promises, trying to soothe my aching soul. I don't know how to tell him it's a lost cause. "He's not gonna touch you again. I'm gonna take care of you."

"It's not just my dad," I admit, my throat tight around the few words.

This is about so much more than Dad and his angry blows. I'm terrified to try for something that could end up falling apart. I've never known how I'm supposed to survive when something I've wanted for so long breaks apart.

"You… asked me why I didn't want to get my stuff from my dad's place yet." I grip Alex's shirt tighter. "It's… because I'm terrified of leaving behind everything that was once mine. I don't know if I… have it… in me to leave him."

Alex holds me tighter and he doesn't tell me that I can. He doesn't offer up words of condolence or tell me that he'll be there. He just keeps me tight against his chest, his closeness working to soothe all the anxiety trapped in my lungs.


A/N:

Yoooo! It's been a MINUTE

So. I took an unexpected hiatus from updates. It started with camp back in April and then I had issues with this chapter and then made a mistake timeline wise and… suffice to say, this chapter was a monster to edit

Thanks for sticking with me through the break – loyal readers are my fav

Let's get into this chapter, shall we?

The opening scenes with Dale and Mitch are some of my favorites I've ever written. I didn't know it was possible to ship your own OC's this much lol – thEY'RE JUST SO DAMN CUTE

Hello new character – Nik might just be Alex's second cousin but… stay tuned. I have plans for him ;P

Also… can we talk about the boys FINALLY going on their first date? I'm deceased, I never thought I'd reach this point lmao

So obviously Dash Baxter is the greatest quarterback the world has ever seen lmao. While Amridge may not be the right place for him, they do have connections to the NFL so like… he's gotta weigh the pros against the cons, you feel me?

The ending scenes gave me some grief during writing. I couldn't get their dialogue or reactions right. It kept coming across as kind of cardboard-y and dumb. To be honest, I'm still not really happy with this chapter but it's been 2 months and I've lost some of my sanity over this stupid chapter so… it is what it is at this point

The title of this chapter comes from The Wonder Years, "I Just Want To Sell Out My Funeral" – I remember when I was writing this chapter, the chapter title just kept coming to me. The full lyric is, "If I'm in an airport, and you're in a hospital bed – what kind of man does that make me?"

I just feel it so much with Dash's thoughts about his dad and these college opportunities. I don't know if it fits for you guys but I love it, so I went with it lol

Anyway though, thanks again for sticking with this story. I'll try not to wait so long between updates for 78. Which speaking of, next update you can expect some moving shenanigans, angst (like always), some little nuggets of truth shared with the boys, and quite a few make-out scenes… after such a long wait, they're definitely warranted ;P

See you next update!