Warning: Anxiety, talk of child abuse, and borderline flashbacks to said abuse
In the morning, I get up before Alex. I dress in the bathroom, and pretend that last night didn't happen. And thankfully, Alex doesn't say a word about it on our taxi ride to the airport.
Our plane takes off on time, and just a couple of hours later, we're landing in Amity Park. We get our luggage from baggage claim and head for the lobby – where Kendra's waiting for us.
I see her first – still several yards away – and turn to Alex to point her out. But his whole face has lit up, gaze lingering on her.
"Go, I'll catch up," I say, smiling when he hesitates. "Seriously, go."
He waits just a breath longer before he breaks into a run, headed straight for her. People in the airport glance at him as he runs but he doesn't pay them any attention. He heads straight for Kendra.
As soon as Alex is close enough, he sheds his bags from his shoulders like they're only holding him back, and scoops her up into his arms. He spins her around, the skirt of her dress twirling around her as he plants kisses all over her face and neck.
She's grinning, face flushed, and Alex can't wipe the smile from his expression either. They look so happy together. So in love.
I wish Danny was here, too.
The thought hits me square in the chest, sending this rush through me as I start for Alex and Kendra. I don't think I'd have the guts to run to Danny like that. But still – kissing him in the middle of a crowded airport is suddenly on my list of things to do in life.
"Dash, hey," Kendra greets as I approach them. She pulls away from Alex, holding her arms out for a hug.
I step into her open arms, sliding mine around her back. "Hey. I hope it wasn't too boring without us there."
She laughs softly before pulling away. "It wasn't too bad." She gives me a smile, pushing my hair back from my eyes. "Anastasia came over Friday and ended up spending the night."
Alex groans. "She ate all our food, didn't she?"
Kendra laughs again, fitting her hand into his. "Come on. Let's go home and get some lunch. I made that casserole your mom made at Christmas."
"Ooh, okay. I forgive Ana for whatever she took." He laughs when she rolls her eyes. He slides his arm around my shoulder, turning his head to kiss the side of hers. He looks back at me over his shoulder. "Come on. We should be home."
The three of us leave the airport and step into the blinding ten AM sunlight. Kendra takes the lead, but Alex is the one to pack our bags in the trunk of her MINI Cooper.
When we're in the car and have the heat running, she turns to look between the two of us. "So… I have some bad news."
Alex's hands freeze where he's buckling his seatbelt. "What bad news?"
She glances between us again, letting out a breath slowly. "We didn't get the house."
What?
"Damn it." Alex leans back in his seat, shifting his gaze out the window. He keeps one hand on his seatbelt but doesn't buckle it.
Kendra puts her hand on his shoulder. "I know. Angela called Friday to let me know."
He lets out a sigh, shaking his head as he stares out the window. Kendra makes a soft noise and squeezes his shoulder.
My stomach sinks, my heart going with it. Damn – I wasn't expecting this. I really thought that place was ours. It was just enough space for us and the neighborhood was good and… god, I just wanted this to work out so badly.
"I do have some good news though," Kendra says, quickly earning my attention.
Alex hesitates a few seconds longer than me. But eventually he shifts his stare to her, too. And she smiles as she looks between the two of us again.
"Angela showed me a house yesterday that I think might be even better," she says, continuing even when Alex sighs. "I know what you're thinking, but it's got all the space we're looking for. And it's in a really great neighborhood – even better than the ones we preferred. And… Alex, I really think you're going to like it."
She looks toward me again, brows furrowing together at Alex's reluctance. "I think you two should both see it. Maybe… before we head back to the apartment…?"
Alex makes a soft noise before turning around to look at me. His grip on the seatbelt loosens.
"What do you think? Are you up for it today?"
I wonder if he's picturing last night. When he cradled me in his hands so I wouldn't break apart. Even though it's been hours, the memory still makes my chest tight. But it's only a memory. I'm not breaking apart right now. I'm fine – more than fine.
"Sounds good to me," I say, giving him a thumbs up for good measure.
His gaze lingers on me but he smiles softly before looking to Kendra again. "Alright. I'm game, too. Let's do this."
She smiles brightly, turning around in her seat again as he clicks his seatbelt into place. She picks up her phone from the center console and holds it out toward Alex.
"Shoot her a text for me – tell her we are stopping by today." She grins when he looks up at her. "I told her I'd try to wear you down for a visit today."
He laughs, shaking his head again as he drafts the text she instructs him to. I lean back in my seat, watching the scenery around me slowly start to move as Kendra backs out of the parking lot.
I want to text Danny – tell him we didn't get the house – but something stops me. I get as far as his name in my text messages, but I can't get myself to open our conversation.
Last night races through me again, and I drop my phone into my lap. If he asks me how I am, I know what'll come spilling from me. I can't talk about that with him. Not now. Maybe not ever.
I keep my stare out the window as Kendra drives, finding the roads more familiar the further we get from the airport. I recognize the neighborhood that Kendra pulls into – Kwan's house is just a few streets over.
Alex whistles softly as Kendra comes to a stop in front of a two-story house. It's set back on a winding, paved driveway. Black shutters stand out in stark contrast to the white siding and red brick chimney.
"I've always liked this neighborhood," Alex says, unbuckling his seatbelt as he nods to the house. "If I had known there was a house on the market here we would have looked at this place first."
I've always liked it, too. All the nights I drove through here to get to Kwan's place – and far away from mine – there was always something comforting about this neighborhood. Streetlamps dot the edges of the sidewalk that winds in front of the houses, curving around the cul-de-sac at the end. The one Kwan and I used to ride our bikes around when we were little.
Kendra shuts the engine off, picking her phone up from the center console. "Angela should be here soon… she must be running a little late."
"Oh, she's parked across street," Alex says, gesturing to a blue Toyota across from the house we're in front of. He squints and leans closer to the driver's side window. "That is her car, right?"
Kendra makes a soft clicking sound in her throat. "Yeah, I think it is." She glances back toward the house with a smile. "Come on. She must be inside already."
I undo my seat-belt and follow them out of the car and up to the house. I pause halfway up the snow-covered drive, admiring the space it has. Plenty of room for at least two cars. Maybe even a basketball hoop – on the rare occasion I could get Kwan to play a game with me. Basketball's never been much of his thing.
"You coming, slow-poke?" Alex jokes, looking over his shoulder with a grin.
I can't help but grin back, jogging the rest of the way up the driveway to meet them in front of the house. Kendra lifts the door-knocker and raps softly.
A woman with short, brown hair opens the door. She's wearing a fuzzy sweater, and denim jeans – a pretty standard pairing during winter in Amity Park.
She has a few wrinkles around the corners of her mouth and at the edges of her eyes, which throws me – I pictured her younger. She looks like she could be Tatiana's age.
She pushes up the glasses resting at the edge of her nose, and breaks into a wide smile.
"Kendra, darling!" she exclaims, pulling her into a hug. She holds on tightly, patting her back once or twice before she pulls away with a soft laugh. "I'm glad you convinced your boys to come see this today."
My heart does a funny flip. I didn't think that Alex and Kendra were exactly keeping my living with them a secret, but… I get the feeling that Kendra's told Angela a lot about me.
Angela is quick to pull Alex into a hug next. She holds on tightly to him, too, swaying back and forth just a little with the hug.
She pulls away to smile at him. "It's good to see you again. You tell your mom I said hello when you tell her about this, alright?"
Alex laughs, and I catch a faint flush rise to his cheeks. He gives her a nod and she lets go of him. And my stomach flips again when she looks at me.
"Well hello there," she greets, stepping past Alex to close some of the distance between us. "I'm Angela – you must be Dash."
She holds her hand out for me to shake and I let out a quiet, relieved sigh. I'm not that into hugging strangers.
"Hi, it's nice to meet you," I say, trying to sound sincere with the words.
She smiles brightly, shaking my hand firmly twice before she pulls away. She clasps her hands together, spinning around to face Alex and Kendra.
"Alright. Let's get out of this freezing weather, huh? Come on, you're going to love this place."
I follow after her as she ushers Alex and Kendra inside. When they've crossed the threshold inside, Angela falls back, gesturing for me to go ahead of her.
Alex is standing just inside the house, staring up at the ceiling, his mouth parted just a little. Kendra's next to him, grinning as she studies his expression. I look to where he is.
The ceilings above us are vaulted, a large overhead chandelier hanging from the center. Three large windows are to the left of the living room, sunlight spilling in and illuminating the hardwood floor. Just past the living room, on the other side of the windows, I can see a staircase. Across from the staircase, it looks like the entry to another room.
"Great living room, huh?" Angela says, grinning when I look at her. Her gaze is on Alex as she gestures to the right. "Master bedroom's that way. You want to take a look there before we move on to the kitchen?"
Alex nods and Kendra slides her hand into his as they follow Angela. I trail after them, passing two closed doors in the hallway before we hit the bedroom.
"The bedrooms here are a little smaller than the other houses we've looked at," Angela says, turning around to give them a frown. "But when you compare it to the space the rest of the house provides, the smaller bedrooms aren't that bad of a drawback."
"Yeah, no kidding," Alex says, his gaze sweeping the bedroom before he nods to a door on the left. "Is that a bathroom?"
Angela beams, nodding. "Yes. And the en suite bathroom has both a shower stall and a tub." She looks to Kendra at this. "I know the crucial importance of a bath after a long day."
Kendra laughs, swinging her hand in Alex's before looking to him. "He still doesn't understand the appeal of one."
Alex shrugs, shifting his gaze through the bedroom again before he turns back to the door. "I want to see what the rest of the place looks like, but… so far, I'm impressed."
He turns back to give Kendra a smile and she's grinning so widely, it makes me smile, too.
I follow them out of the bedroom and across the hall to see two more bedrooms, nearly identical to the master – one even has a en suite bathroom, too.
When we leave the hall, we move further into the house to look through the dining room and kitchen. Alex gets excited at the latter, and starts talking about how easy it'll be to have everyone over for dinner with this space.
"There's a sliding glass door behind you," Angela says, nodding when Alex looks in the direction. "Yeah, that's it. Kendra and I popped out there when I showed her this place, but it's a bit colder today. There's a nice patio – great for entertaining – as well as an in-ground swimming pool."
Alex looks to Kendra at this, and there's something almost suspicious in his gaze. Kendra must know what it means, because she nods to the kitchen's exit.
"Come see the upstairs." She looks to me at that with a soft smile. "I think I know the bedroom you're going to choose."
I feel heat rise to my face as Angela chuckles softly. Kendra hasn't known me that long – she doesn't even know what my bedroom in Dad's place looks like.
When Kendra leaves the kitchen, I'm quick to follow her out and up the stairs. She gives me a soft smile, and pushes open the door on the left.
It's a little smaller than the master bedroom, but still plenty of space. Two large windows let sunlight in and the hardwood up here looks even lighter than it did downstairs.
"There's a walk-in closet on the right."
I look in that direction before looking back at Kendra. She gives me a soft smile, nodding toward the hall.
I follow her out and into the next bedroom. This room has vaulted ceilings, like the downstairs rooms do – it's the only bedroom that has them. I'm only distracted by that until I notice the exposed red brick wall on the right. It's different from the rest of the house, but something about it draws me in.
I'm distantly aware of Kendra watching me, but she fades from my attention as I move further into the room.
I instantly cross to the brick wall, reaching out to brush my fingertips against the rough texture. It's so bizarre to have something like this in a bedroom, but I love it.
"You like?" Kendra asks, giving a small laugh when I can only nod.
I turn from the brick wall, giving her a brief nod before I look away. I sweep my gaze through the rest of the room, noticing the large bay windows on the right. There's a window seat in front of them that I walk over to.
Kneeling on the window seat, I part the blinds with one hand. From up here, I can see the backyards of houses opposite us on the street that runs behind the house – just one over from where Kwan lives. The houses behind this one are covered in snow too, the road the only clear pathway. God, I'd bet the large trees in the house across the street would be beautiful in the fall.
I let the blinds close again and turn away from the window. Kendra's still smiling, and I feel that same flush from earlier color my face again. Damn. She really does know me.
Angela steps inside the room, giving Kendra a grin. "You were right, weren't you?"
"Maybe just a little," she says, giving me a smile just as Alex comes in.
He looks around the room, whistling once. "Wow. This really is your type of space."
I can't help but flush deeper.
"So, there's some details we need to go over, and then we-" Angela stops abruptly when her cell phone rings. She pulls it out of her back pocket with a frown. "Hang on, sorry. I've got to take this – should only be a few minutes."
She steps out of the room, answering the call with a polite 'hello'. I hear her voice drift further and further away as she descends the staircase again.
Alex steps further into the room, turning in a slow circle as he stares at the vaulted ceilings again. "God, Kendra. This place…"
He looks at her again, shaking his head. "It really is beautiful."
Kendra's smiling again when I look her way. "Isn't it? And I absolutely love this neighborhood."
"I do, too," I say, earning their attention. "It's um… one of my friends lives over here. Just a street away, actually."
"No kidding?" Alex asks, turning to Kendra again. "Why didn't Angela show us this place before? It's got everything on our list."
Kendra hesitates there, biting into her bottom lip. Something in him shifts at the expression on her face, setting me on edge.
"There's a catch, isn't there?"
She takes a few steps further into the room, her heels clicking softly on the wood flooring. It's almost like she's stalling the way she takes small steps closer and closer to the window seat. "It's… a little out of our budget."
He frowns, turning to watch her as she continues further into the room. "How far out? We have some room to bend, you know."
Kendra turns to face him with a small sigh. "Just under fifteen thousand."
My stomach sinks.
"Shit, are you serious?" he asks.
She nods, a sad expression quickly replacing the hesitation. "I know. I should have never looked when I heard how far out of budget it is. But… I saw photos online and it just… I knew it was perfect. Alex, you know this house was meant for us."
I feel it too. It's not just this bedroom – it's the neighborhood and the way I felt the moment we pulled up in front of it. This place is meant to be ours. We're all supposed to live here, I can feel it.
Alex runs his hands through his hair with an exasperated sigh. "I know, I know. But we can't go that far out of budget. We just can't."
Kendra closes some of the distance between them. "We can underbid the asking price. We'll have to go a little out of budget to do it, but… Angela thinks we can make it work."
He meets her stare then, shaking his head just a little. "I don't know if we can."
"We have to try."
I surprise myself with the words, and I think Alex too. He looks at me, and I take a deep breath in before I continue.
"I have some money in savings, we can put it toward this and maybe-"
Alex shakes his head, causing my words to die in my throat. "I'm not taking your money. This isn't your responsibility."
"Bullshit." My skin flushes again when he raises an eyebrow, but I try to ignore it. "We're in this together, right? Alex, I want to help."
"I don't care," he says, cutting me off when I try to interject again. "My decision's final. The answer's no."
Kendra lets out a breath, putting a hand on my shoulder. She offers up a smile when I look her way. "It's not that we don't appreciate the offer, but… really, we've got this under control, okay?"
"It doesn't look like it," I mumble.
She squeezes my shoulder before pulling back, turning to look at Alex. "At least… think about it, okay? You know we have room to bend. We can underbid if we go out of budget just a little."
Alex sighs. "Kendra, look at this place. It's not gonna stay on the market for long. What are the chances they'd take an underbid?"
Kendra's expression is pinched, but she touches his arm. Her voice is soft when she speaks.
"Have faith," she whispers.
There's something in her tone that sends goosebumps to my skin. It makes me want to believe in what she says. I think it's doing the same to Alex – his expression softens just a touch, and I feel this warmth rush through my chest.
Maybe we both need to have just a little faith in this – faith in us.
When we leave the house, Alex takes over driving. He takes us the long way back to the apartment, and I stare out the window as we go. Kendra's quiet in the passenger seat. It's like this unspoken tension has settled over all of us.
The feeling only dissipates a little as the day stretches on. Alex puts on a load of laundry – washing the stuff he and I took with us on the trip – and Kendra gets lunch re-heating.
I'm picking at the casserole dish she put together, when Alex finally breaks the silence.
"We can try an underbid. "
A rush of anxiety races through me at his words, and I lift my gaze from the table.
He's earned Kendra's attention, too. He looks between the two of us, shrugging one shoulder. "What's the worst that could happen, right?"
Kendra nods quickly, setting her fork down on the edge of her plate. "Exactly. Since the owners have already moved out, they're probably looking to just get it off their hands as quickly as possible."
He nods, dropping his stare down to his plate as he spears a few pasta noodles with his fork. "Yeah, that could definitely work in our favor." He chews the pasta slowly before looking at Kendra. "So… you want to go by Angela's office on Monday and we can make the offer?"
Kendra grins widely, leaning over in her chair to close the distance between them. She presses a kiss to his lips and he smiles when she pulls away.
"I knew you'd come around," she whispers, giving him a smirk before she leans back, settling in her chair once more.
I'm almost afraid to hope. Dad's always found a way to crush it every time I've tried. But… god, I want this. I want to live there – I want the three of us to make it our own and fill the swimming pool come spring, and have backyard barbeques and cook-out's this summer.
I want a home – a real one. Some place my parents never touched.
My sleep is broken through the night. I wake every couple of hours, but it's without the usual panic, for once. It'd be a positive to the shitty sleep, but… damn, I'm tired when I finally wake in the morning.
Opening my eyes in the morning light of Alex's living room is disorienting for a few moments. I think I've gotten too used to hotel rooms and giant beds with far too much space for me. It feels like I'm waking up in someone else's skin just being back in this apartment.
Maybe I've already gotten used to the time spent away. Or maybe it's because I know what I have to do today. What I have to admit.
I get up when the silence has stretched over me long enough to become uncomfortable. I could lay under the covers and browse the internet until Alex came out of his room but… that's not how I want to do this. I don't want him to think I'm giving in to what he wants. I want him to know this is my choice.
I'm the only one awake for a while. I pass the time with coffee and Facebook, intermittent with a couple of news articles. I'm restless waiting for him to wake up and maybe that's what drives me out of the apartment. I can breathe easier from the moment I step outside.
I end up sitting on the steps just outside the apartment, nursing a cup of coffee and shivering in the freezing temperature. Amity Park has been promised a fresh blanket of snow by day's end and if I'm honest with myself, I've been anticipating it. If Amity Park gets a new start, then maybe I can too.
The quiet of the morning turns to loneliness inside my chest and though I wish to be the kind of person that can be alone with their thoughts, I don't force myself to stay alone. I send Danny a text, just to see if he's awake. And even though I keep my stare on my phone, his quick response still surprises me.
From: Danny
Hey, hey :) What's up?
To: Danny
You're awake early
What are you doing?
I set my phone beside me on the stairs, leaning back on my hands to stare up at the sky. The clouds have gathered, threatening the snow already, but they haven't delivered yet. I'm starting to wonder who's gonna break first – the snow or me.
From: Danny
Back at you :P
I'm out for breakfast with my family. Some new thing they're trying, apparently
As long as it keeps them from fighting, I don't care
How about you?
Even though just the thought has my heart racing, I decide not to avoid this. I decide to be honest with him instead of keeping this part to myself. I think this is how we bridge that distance I'm so terrified of.
To: Danny
Waiting on Alex to wake up
From: Danny
Yeah? You guys doing something fun today?
To: Danny
Not exactly
It scares the hell out of me just to type it. But at some point, I have to learn how to say the things that I'm afraid of. And I think somewhere along the way, I won't be so afraid of them anymore. Even if it all feels like it's gonna go to shit.
To: Danny
I'm gonna tell him that I want to get my stuff from my dad's place
Even though the hard part's not even close to over, I still feel like a weight has slid from my shoulders. Sharing this burden with someone else lightens the load – even if it's still mine to carry in the end.
From: Danny
Whoa, big step
You sure you're ready for this?
I could easily lie – say that I've finally come to terms with how horrible the shit is that dad's always done to me. It is horrible. And I know it is. But that doesn't make me ready for this. It doesn't erase all the stuttered breaths I've dragged in just during this conversation. It doesn't fasten armor around my bones and make me capable of withstanding this hurricane.
I'm just a guy that can throw a football pretty well. What right do I have to leave my dad?
To: Danny
No, I'm not
But I'm gonna figure it out, you know?
I can't stay stuck in this endless cycle. Until I break away – until I leave behind everything dad's ever done to me, I can't move on. I'm gonna stay stuck forever unless I take a leap of faith and run.
From: Danny
Want to talk on the phone until Alex is up?
Danny is one of the most selfless people I know. He's with his family right now and things have been shit for him lately, too. But he's willing to step away from what he has going on just to be here for me.
To: Danny
You're not busy with your family?
I don't get another text back from Danny. I get an incoming call instead. And though I don't understand the rush of anxiety that creeps over me at the notification, I take in a steady breath and answer the call.
"No, I'm not that busy," Danny says before I can even ask. "So… any reason you've come to this decision?"
There are so many reasons why today's the day I need to do this. And yet… there's nothing important about it. No driving force or reasoning I can give for it. It's just time. I'm tired of being afraid. I can't live my life out of a suitcase. I need my stuff to fill up the empty room of the house the three of us move into.
"It's just time," I admit, exhaling out heavily. I watch my breath rise higher in the sky and thank whatever god let me have Danny. Because while I'd be pushing him for more, he lets that be enough of an answer.
"Good," he says. "I'm proud of you, you know. You're making all these changes so suddenly and you're just… you're rolling with it. I really admire that about you."
I can't help but smile. "Would it destroy the illusion that I've got it together if I told you that I have no idea what I'm doing?"
Danny's laugh is like music to my ears. It stirs that tension sitting like dust on my bones. It makes me laugh too. It drags me far away from the front steps outside Alex's apartment.
"Honestly, who on earth ever has it together?" He laughs again and I can picture him now. Sitting across from his parents, talking to me. I picture me with him. Laughing as he slides his hand in mine, introduces me to his parents. Calls me his boyfriend. I don't know what he would call me if I was there now but… the word has a nice ring to it when I picture it coming from Danny's lips.
I shift on the steps, wondering at what point my voice will die out in this conversation. No way I make it through this whole thing in one piece. But anything worth having is worth a little fear.
"Can I ask you something?"
Static passes between us for a split second. "Yeah?"
I exhale, that familiar anxiety racing through me. It's terrible timing and I know it's going to come out wrong. But if I'm not holding back with Alex, I can't hold back with Danny anymore. It's not fair. He deserves better.
"What am I to you? Like… are we boyfriends?"
I almost cringe just saying the word because it dredges up images in my head of Paulina and all of the crap we put each other through. I don't want to be that kind of boyfriend anymore. That's not the way I want to be with him.
Danny hesitates for a few seconds. "Hang on."
I hear him speak softly to his parents and I feel guilty for pulling him away from them. I know he's busy and he has his own stuff to deal with. But I want to know this answer more than I want to be selfless.
"Any reason you're asking me this now?" His voice is innocent enough and maybe I'm just paranoid but I feel like he's looking for something. Like he's searching for some kind of ulterior motive I've got behind the question.
I will the courage in my heart to liquefy into my words. To pour out of my mouth and into his ears.
"Because… I want to be your boyfriend."
Danny exhales into the receiver and for a split second, my heart stops, wondering if this is too much. If I'm wanting too much too fast from whatever this is between us. But I spent these past few days away from him and I can't remember missing anyone so much before. It was never like this with Paulina.
"Dash, I want to be your boyfriend, too," he confesses, sending my heart racing just from a few words. "I just didn't want to force anything too soon."
I let out a relieved sigh. "No, you're not… forcing anything. I want this, Danny," I admit, feeling like my voice might die out any second now. "I want you."
He groans softly. "I wish I was with you now. I'd just kiss you – forever. I'd never stop. Forget everybody else, it'd just be the two of us against the world."
That thought makes me laugh though it brings a fresh wave of heat to my face. "I don't think I'd stop kissing you either."
My heart is squeezing in time with his laughter and I could almost kid myself into thinking that this was the hard part. That telling Danny I want to be his boyfriend is what woke me early and drove me out into the cold. But when the door opens behind me and I see the curiosity on Alex's face, everything snaps back into focus.
He shuffles toward me. "What are you doing out here?"
I swallow down all the insecurity engraved in my soul. "Nothing, I'm just on the phone." I angle the receiver away from my mouth and that ice-cold feeling of anxiety runs through my veins. "I'll be inside in just a minute. There's…something I gotta talk to you about."
Alex hesitates – like he's preparing for the worst. Like whatever I could possibly bring up would be enough to rattle him. "Is everything okay?" he asks softly. "Did something happen?"
I shake my head and swallow hard. "No, nothing happened. It's just…" I fidget nervously, sink my teeth into my bottom lip. "I'll be inside in a minute, okay?"
Alex hesitates. "What is it?"
I suppress a groan, dropping my stare to the ground. He's wearing fuzzy reindeer socks that Tatiana gave him for Christmas. Despite the anxiety blossoming in my chest, I smile.
"Give me a minute and I'll be inside, okay?" I ask, looking up to him.
He glances from my face to my phone. "Is it something about Amridge?"
I shake my head, cutting him off when he tries to start another question. "Alex, please. Just give me a minute."
He exhales through his nose, giving me a small nod before disappearing back inside his apartment. And even though I haven't told him yet, I feel this sense of relief course through me. Half the battle is over.
As soon as the door closes after him, I feel that shakiness return. I've started this thing and it's only gonna snowball from here. I don't know if I'm ready for this, but I have to start somewhere.
"Now or never, huh?" Danny's voice comes through the phone, his soothing tone keeping my heart from pounding. "You nervous?"
I don't think nervous is the right word. It's more like-
"Terrified," I admit, running my hand down my face.
I don't know why I let myself build it up to this point. I should have told Alex I'd get my shit from my place before now. I should have agreed to it the day he brought it up. But I wasn't ready. I needed time and I… I think it's okay to be a little selfish with this.
"I can't imagine what you're going through," Danny says softly, letting out a shaky breath. "Can I do anything to help?"
I shift on the stairs, my heart picking up pace at his words. I close my hand around my coffee mug, stumbling over the words. "Well, you uhh… you still gonna meet me when-"
"You just tell me when we're going and I'm there," Danny responds before I've even finished the question. It floods my veins with the kind of relief I'm not sure that I should be feeling right now. I still have the rest of this stuff to go through. It's not like just asking Danny to be there for me is the end of it.
I get up, trying to take my time – make sure my voice won't die out when I tell Alex. "Even if we decide to do it today?"
"Hey, I said I'd be there, didn't I?"
Yeah, he did. Guess I'm just paranoid he'll change his mind. Or that his parents will keep him away from me.
"Go talk to him. I'll be a text away when you're done." He lets out a soft breath and I hear some rustling on his end before his voice comes back on the line, clear and strong. "Call or text me – whatever you need."
He's so selfless. I don't know if I deserve him. I don't know if I could ever deserve him. But he wants me. And I fucking need him. We're together now. I think that means it doesn't matter if I deserve him or not. I think that means he's mine.
My heart constricts inside my chest the moment I step inside the apartment. From the doorway, I can hear Alex talking softly with Kendra and my hands are shaky around my empty coffee mug. I tell myself it's the caffeine.
I close the door behind me and shuffle the few paces between the door and the entry to the kitchen. My stomach's tied in knots that are hard to breathe past.
The two of them are at the table when I step into the kitchen. Alex has his back to me so it's Kendra that looks up when I enter. She gives me a smile and Alex is quick to look over his shoulder. His eyebrows are pinched together, his gaze equal parts hesitant and curious. I hate that I've caused that. By waiting this long to bring it up. By my cryptic wording outside and by being so prone to panic in the past.
"You working today?" I ask Alex, hoping to ease into this conversation.
He hesitates, seems to weigh his options. I get the feeling that he's scared to push me. Worried that I might withdraw or straight out run. Push me, Alex. I need it this time.
"No." He pushes out a breath, sparing a glance back at Kendra before his focus is entirely on me again. "Is… everything okay?"
His hesitancy does little to calm the racing of my heart. I don't know if anything can help me right now. But the truth has to come out one way or another. I can't wait forever just because of a little discomfort.
I set my empty mug on the nearest counter and close some of the distance between the three of us, sliding my hands into the pocket of my hoodie as I come to a stop. Danny's words echo in my ears. Now or never.
"I want to get my stuff from my place." I drag in a breath, feeling the weight of the confession crash over me. "I'm kind of… scared to do it, I guess? But… I want to."
It's straightforward. It's one of the most terrifyingly, honest things I've said. I tried to figure it out a different way but… this is the only way I know how to say it. And I don't know what to do in the silence that follows. And for once, I don't try to force words out that just aren't there. I let the silence drown the three of us until I can breathe again.
Kendra stands from her place at the table and when my gaze shifts to her, she breaks the quiet with a bright smile. "Good, I'm glad to hear that." She takes a few steps closer and puts her hand on my shoulder. "Did you want to do it today?"
I look past her – at Alex – and shrug one shoulder. "Maybe…unless you guys are busy."
Alex gets up from the table, clearing his throat. "No, we're not busy today." He slides his hands into his pockets, sparing a glance at Kendra before he exhales softly. "I'll call Chuck."
He hesitates for a few long seconds. But as soon as he looks my way again, he closes the distance between us and pulls me into his arms. His touch eases the shakiness in my legs. Makes me feel like I can do this.
I drop my chin onto his shoulder, breathing out slowly as he rubs his hands in circles on my back. I don't catch what he says in Spanish before he presses a kiss to my hair. I feel tears prick the corners of my eyes, so I bury my face in his shoulder.
He doesn't say anything – just holds me tighter. And though it takes me a few seconds to pull myself together, I manage it. I pull away from him with dry eyes. I think I even manage a halfway decent smile.
He keeps one hand on my shoulder, moving his thumb in a slow circle. He studies me for a few moments in silence, but I can only keep his gaze for a second or two.
"I'm proud of you," he says so softly, I almost miss it.
His words bring a lump to my throat and though I swallow past it, I'm not sure that it does much good. I still feel like I'm choking. Or like dad has reached out a hand and wrapped his fist around my throat. Even across all this distance.
"It's… time." I swallow hard, nodding once before I look up at Alex again. "It's been time for a while."
Alex squeezes my shoulder once before he steps back, sliding his phone from his pocket. He turns away from us and when he starts dialing, Kendra clears her throat.
"Get dressed, okay?" She smiles, brushing the hair from my forehead. "Chuck and Alex can handle renting the U-Haul. You and I can pick up some of the packing supplies we'll need from the store on our way."
I nod once before I slip away. I get some of my clothes from the couch and I pull out my phone on the way to the bathroom.
My fingers tremble as I type but I send the text.
To: Danny
We're doing it today
His response is immediate and like a dizzying hit of oxygen to my lungs. I can't back out of this now. Whether I want it to or not anymore, this is happening. I can't take it back.
From: Danny
Okay. I'll be there soon, just need to ditch the parents
I'm proud of you
I drop my phone onto the bathroom counter and collapse against the wall, dragging in a shaky breath. Danny's proud of me. Alex is, too. From the look on Kendra's face, I think she's proud, too.
I don't know if they should be. I can hardly breathe just from the thought of this. But there's no going back. I'm taking my stuff from the place I used to call home. And somewhere in all of this mess, I have to find a way to make a new one.
Part of me feels like I've already begun to.
I don't think home is just a place with four walls anymore. I think it's the people I love. The ones that matter the most to me. I think it's Alex and his whole family. I think it's Kwan and Jeff and all of my best friends. I think it's Danny.
If home is supposed to be where the heart is, then… my home is everywhere.
I'm all nervous hands and shaky breaths on the drive. Kendra plays soft music from her stereo and I think it's supposed to be soothing. It feels like a lost cause on me. The only thing that keeps my heart from pounding out of rhythm is knowing that Danny will be there. If things get ugly – if I can't take it anymore – he'll recognize it and… I don't know what he'll do but he'll make it better. He always does.
Kendra turns the music off as she pulls into the parking lot of the store and scans the aisles for somewhere to park. "Okay, read me the list again?"
I open the note on my phone she asked me to make on the way here and read it out to her: boxes, bubble wrap, packing tape, drinks, paper plates, and plastic cups for when we order pizza today… everything we need to leave my home behind.
"Okay, add ratchet cables.I know Ana's bringing hers, but we might need more," Kendra purses her lips as I type it out, adding another item to the list. "They're probably at the U-Haul rental place by now…"
She finds a spot at the end of the aisle but glances my way for a second before she starts for it. "Can you text Alex? Ask him if Ana brought the cables with her and if he thinks we need more."
I send him the text from my phone and drop it into my lap as Kendra pulls into the space. She adjusts her rearview mirror before undoing her seatbelt. She turns to me with a smile. "Okay, if there's anything you want here, let me know." She puts her jacket on so I find mine and start doing the same.
When Kendra's finished with her jacket, she gets her purse from the floor of her MINI Cooper. "What do you want to drink with the food today? Dr. Pepper?"
"Vodka," I joke, smiling when she looks up at me. She cracks up at the look on my face and I shrug. "Dr. Pepper's fine but…" I straighten my jacket just a little, trying to keep my face from flushing as I think of Danny. "Can we get Coke too?"
"Sure thing," Kendra says, opening her door and stepping out.
I'm quick to follow her, pulling my hood up as I trudge in the snow toward her. Kendra's waiting by the trunk of her car and falls into step with me. We kick snow out of our way and sometimes, she even goes out of the way to kick the snow piles that have built up in the parking lot.
"I've missed winters in Amity Park," she confesses, smiling when I look at her. "There's honestly nothing like it."
I've never spent a winter away from this place. Amity Park is all I've ever known – and I was almost used to the idea of it being the only thing I'd ever know. But all these college opportunities already have my heart on a plane out of here.
I wonder if that's the way it was for Kendra. If a university called her name, pulling her far away from this town. Away from Alex.
"Where were you… before you came back?"
The question is out of my mouth before I even think it through. Her posture stiffens just a little next to me. Shit.
She ducks her chin further down into her jacket, letting out a quiet breath in the silence. She continues trudging up to the front door and the worry builds in my chest. I don't know what's okay to ask yet. I don't know her that well.
"I was sort of everywhere," she finally says when we reach the front doors of the store. She holds it open for me and waits until we're both inside before she continues. "I traveled a lot because… I knew if I didn't, I'd end up back here."
There's something in her tone and the way she looks away once she's said the words. It feels like she wants to tell me why she had to go and why she couldn't come back but… I don't want to push. I don't want to read too much into this situation and ask for more than she's willing to give.
"Where was your favorite place you traveled to?" I ask instead.
Kendra looks at me at the question, frowning just a little as she gets a shopping cart from a rack near the door. "Tough question. I'll have to get back to you on that." She sheds her jacket and puts it in the front of the cart along with her purse. "Okay, bring the list up?"
I let her take my phone and we work our way down the list. Alex texts me back, telling me that Ana's brought enough cables for us, so Kendra has me cross it off the list.
We keep thinking of things last minute and retracing our steps to get stuff. But it doesn't take us more than twenty minutes to get everything and check out.
She scans over the receipt on our way out the door and then we're in the car, on the way to my place.
Anxiety is making itself known again in the center of my chest and it's hard just to breathe in. I don't know how to make this feeling go away but I text Danny words I won't be brave enough to say when we're face to face.
To: Danny
I feel really weird
Anxious, I guess
I still want to do this but
I don't know. I just feel weird
My heart is pounding with every word I type and I guess that he's driving because I don't get a response. I tell myself it doesn't matter and I make idle chatter with Kendra instead. And even though every mile we drive puts me closer and closer to leaving behind the only family I've ever known, I tell myself that it'll be okay. I don't know how or why everything will suddenly work out just because I want it to but… fuck, I want it to.
I'm fisting my hands in my shirt as Kendra pulls her car to the edge of the lawn in front of my house. Chuck, Alex, and Anastasia are already on the driveway, leaning against the U-Haul. It takes me a second to realize the smoke rising from the three of them is actually coming from Alex.
He drops the cigarette on the driveway and extinguishes it with his foot before he waves in our direction. It only serves to twist my insides up even further. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea.
"You nervous?"
I don't know how I'm supposed to be anything else. This is my home. And I'm leaving it behind just because I feel like it? Fuck, the things Dad has done to me aren't worthy of this. He's in the fucking hospital and I'm leaving him.
Kendra puts her hand on my shoulder and I drag in a breath that sounds shaky even to me.
"I don't know how to not be," I confess.
She gently squeezes my shoulder, and I keep my gaze out the window. On my house. My former house. The place I grew up and learned everything I know now. Fuck, why am I leaving it?
"It's going to be okay, you know. We're right here," she says.
I exhale, feel the liquid courage turn to stone in my veins. Everyone keeps saying that they're here for me. But god, I've never felt so alone.
"You're going to get through this. You're stronger than you think."
Kendra's trying to make this easier. And I wish her words could ignite something in me – something akin to determination but just south of apathy. I don't want to care this much. But I want to care enough to walk up the sidewalk and get my fucking shit out of this hellhole.
I unbuckle my seatbelt and brace my hand against the door handle, trying to ease the panic in my heart as I open the door. Kendra doesn't say anything as I get out of the car and I keep my gaze down on the pavement. I don't even bother getting my jacket from the car. I welcome the shivers this weather is bringing me and slowly look to the driveway.
My beautiful Mitsubishi, still messed up from the car chase dad locked me into, is sitting next to the U-Haul. For some reason, the sight of my car is like a breath of fresh air and I remind myself why I'm doing this.
I don't have the strength in my legs to move up the lawn toward Alex and the others. But I have strength enough not to run when he starts toward me. It takes everything in me, but I stay where I am.
"Hey," Alex greets.
Kendra responds softly behind me and in that time, I drag in a deep breath and convince myself to look up. He's watching Kendra when I finally manage to look up at him. They're having a silent conversation and from the way he darts his stare down to me for a split-second, I guess I'm the topic.
"Are we ready to do this?" Alex asks, his stare lingering on me for longer than a second this time.
I exhale. Try to shake the panic from my bones. Old habits die hard.
Down the street, a car is slowly approaching us, and it takes me a second to recognize the Equus. But as soon as I do, it's like a rush of bravery floods my veins. Danny's here.
"Almost," I respond, slipping away from them before any of them can ask.
Danny pulls his car in front of Kendra's and backs up slowly, watching in his rearview mirror. I wait on the edge of the grass and practically run to the driver's side as soon as his car's in park. I don't know how my heart has been away from his for this long. It feels like it's been weeks since I've seen him, not a handful of days.
He turns his engine off and opens the door when I reach him. He barely gets out more than a simple "hi" before I'm crashing my lips against his. I throw the both of us off balance and he pushes against me to avoid toppling backward.
I'm breathless when he breaks away but he doesn't go far. His forehead rests against mine and his hands slide into my hair. "I read your texts at the stoplight." He pauses, breathing out. "I'm sorry."
I don't want his apologies. I want his lips on mine and to know that this is all gonna work out the way I want it to. That I'll leave here a stronger person. That just getting my fucking stuff won't be the thing that breaks me.
Danny doesn't stop me when I duck down to kiss him again without a response. But he doesn't let it go on for long. He's quick to end it and when he pulls away this time, there's more distance. I don't want to stop kissing him. And from the look in his eyes, I don't think he wants to stop kissing me either.
"We have to do this, Dash," he says softly, running his fingers through my hair. "You're going to make it through this, okay? I'm right here."
Hearing Danny say it feels better than when Kendra did. I couldn't find it in myself to believe her. But Danny… it's like my soul doesn't have a choice anymore. I believe him. He's been on my side this whole time. Why would he ever lie to me?
"You ready?"
I don't think the answer is yes. But Danny's with me. People that care about me are here. They're all willing and ready to do this just because I asked them to. If they're all ready then… I guess I have to be, too.
"As I'll ever be," I mumble, leaning forward to steal one final kiss from Danny.
He lets me kiss him but not for long. And when he pulls away this time, I give him space enough to undo his seatbelt and get out of his car. He slides his hand into mine and squeezes tightly, closing his door with his other hand.
My hand is warm in his. And his bright eyes are shining, making the whole world around us feel a hell of a lot warmer than it is. He could melt all this damn snow with his smile. But all he does is smile at me. Melt me. And when he tugs on my hand, leading me toward the driveway, I don't know how I could ever pull away.
Those first steps into my home are some of the hardest. The wood from the fire Dad used to burn me is still in the fireplace, charred and blackened from that night. The fire stoker is out on the floor from where he must have dropped it after I passed out. I don't remember where it was when I woke up. I've been trying not to remember waking up here.
"I'm assuming most of your stuff is upstairs but… anything down here we should know about?" Chuck asks from behind me.
I'm frozen, staring around at the mess Dad's left me in. He might be in the hospital but he's left me in hell. I don't even know where to start. I don't want to go upstairs and remember holding Danny in my bed, waking in the middle of the night with the taste of fear in my throat.
The glass from that picture frame that shattered on my head is still littered down the staircase and I remember carefully avoiding it with my bare feet the morning after. I remember the way it felt crashing down against my skull as I fell down the stairs.
Standing here in the living room is like reliving those twenty-four hours over and over again. The things Mom said to me that day. The cold metal of Dad's gun to my forehead as I begged him to shoot this time. To just put an end to all of the shit I've been through every fucking day. To let me finally leave behind everything that's ever hurt me and finally just-
"Dash?" Danny slides his hand into mine and it jerks me back to the present. Reminds me what I'm doing here. Everyone's watching me when I turn around to look and Chuck's question slowly registers.
I look to the TV stand and roughly gesture toward it. "Umm… my X-box is… it's hooked up to the TV. There's a few games with it too."
"Okay, Anastasia and I can start unhooking the system. Rest of you head upstairs?" Chuck suggests.
I give him a simple nod and though it takes a me a few seconds, I drag in a breath, and start for the stairs. This whole thing feels surreal. Like it's not actually happening and it's some sort of sick dream I can't wake up from.
"Watch the stairs, there's some glass on it," I say softly, letting go of Danny's hand to grip the banister instead. My steps are shaky and every one is a reminder of how hard it was to get down these stairs the morning after. When my bruised body and aching heart went down each stair just to get to Danny.
I don't think I'm fully breathing until I'm up the stairs and standing in front of the door to my bedroom. Alex and Danny are right behind me and even though it terrifies me, I twist the door handle and step into my bedroom.
They're giving me space as I take my time, going further and further into my room. It's like I'm waiting for him to jump out at me. Maybe it's because I can't stop picturing the anger on his face the night I came home. Or how I couldn't see him in the hospital and how Chuck called Alex afterward and-
"Let's start with the furniture," I say, my voice suddenly clear and calm, despite the mess inside my head and just beneath my skin. I can't control the racing of my heart or the thoughts running circles in my head, but I can control this. I can tear my room apart, searching for the meaning behind all of this.
Alex steps in front of the other two, earning my attention. "Okay. Anything you want to leave behind or are we taking all the furniture?"
My dresser is destroyed from that night. And my bed will always serve as a reminder of what happened here. Of being chained to the leg of the bed and all those lonely nights, trying to breathe past the pain of my own ribcage.
"I just want my desk," I respond, slowly letting out a breath. "The dresser is… wrecked so we'll take it with us, I guess? Drop it off somewhere?"
Alex slowly nods. "Sure." He sets a stack of boxes on the floor and holds one out to Danny. "Why don't you two pack up what's in your desk drawers? Kendra and I can start on your dresser."
I'm not sure that I do much more than nod, but I cross the room to my desk. Danny sets the box down on top, tearing off a strip of tape as he nods to the chair. "Sit. I'll tape this, you just… start going through what you're taking."
He doesn't look at me for more than a fleeting second or two but I think it's for me. I think he's giving me the space to be an absolute mess if I need to be. If I was here alone, I don't think I would have made it past the glass on the stairs.
I sink down into the desk chair and I don't think I should be this calm. But I pull out random stuff from the drawers and start sorting them into what's coming with me and what can just be thrown away or donated. I don't know if I need or even want half this shit anymore. It all seems so pointless.
"We're going to put all these clothes in a box for you to go through, okay?" Kendra asks from across the room.
I look up, long enough to nod before my stare is drifting around my room. Little league trophies and plaques are littered around my room and I don't know if they matter anymore. I don't know if I want to take any part of this place with me.
How much of me is in this place? …how much of this place is in me?
Danny finishes taping the bottom of the box closed and when I look up at him, he offers up a small smile. I think it's supposed to be some kind of encouragement. Some push to keep going and get this done.
"Can you hold this?" I ask, pushing the box toward him as I get up from the chair.
Danny takes the box from the top of my desk and steps back as I slide the top drawer completely from the desk. I tilt the drawer and let everything inside spill down into the box instead. I don't want to sit here and go through every little thing. There's time enough for that in the future.
"Just throw everything in a box," I tell Alex when he looks over his shoulder. "I don't care what it is, just put it in a box and I'll go through it later."
He's quick to agree and within a few minutes, Danny and I have the desk cleared out entirely. Anastasia calls from downstairs to let us know they're done with the X-box. One look at me and Alex calls back, telling them to join us up here.
It's like a rush to my system, clearing everything out from this room. Everything that was once important to me is gonna be in a box somewhere when we're finished with this place. And that doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. I hope it never will.
Chuck's up the stairs first and as soon as he's in my room, Alex gets up from the floor. He drops a shirt of mine into the box he and Kendra have been filling and looks at Chuck.
Alex dusts his hands on the back of his jeans before he pats the top of the dresser. "Can you give me a hand taking this down to the truck?"
Chuck looks over the front of the dresser and makes a face before he looks my way. A smile is tugging at his features. "What'd you do to this thing? Too many wild nights?"
I hear Alex call Chuck's name softly and that should be the end of it. I shouldn't bother to explain cause what the fuck does it matter? The dresser's broken. I'm not taking it with me. That's a good enough reason. But sometimes… sometimes there's simply more to say than I can hold back.
"My dad pulled it down on me the night he was shot," I respond, clenching my jaw at how silent everyone's gone around me. Chuck lets out a low breath and when he starts to mumble an apology, I cut him off. "Don't, it's fine."
I run my hand through my hair, trying to remind myself that everyone here wants to help me. As much as my brain is trying to tell me otherwise, I know that none of them are here just to watch me flounder. They want to help and maybe that starts with a little honesty.
Even though everyone else is too, it's Alex's silence that gets to me. He's never been a quiet person when it comes to shit like this. I know exactly how he feels about my dad. So, when our eyes meet and he hesitates, I can't hold the silence any longer.
"What?"
Alex shifts under my gaze, letting out a slow breath. "Nothing, it's not important right now."
I run a hand down my face, sparing a glance at everyone else in the room. No one's packing anymore and I should probably just drop it and get things back on track. The less time we spend here the better.
"Come on, what is it?" I ask instead, waiting forever for Alex to break the silence again.
He slowly looks at everyone gathered around us before his gaze lands somewhere around my feet. He shrugs one shoulder and finally looks up at me again. "You never told me how it happened here that night."
Kendra calls Alex's name softly and I don't know what to say. That night isn't something I want to relive, especially not here. But it's not exactly like I can just forget about everything Dad did that night. Or what I asked of him.
"A lot happened that night," I respond, slowly letting out a breath when he looks up at me. It doesn't matter if he drops it right now. He'll just pick it back up later. If I'm taking all my shit with me when I leave here, I might as well tell the story from the place it happened in.
I shift under his gaze, clenching and unclenching my hands into fists. "What do you want to know?"
Alex seems to be weighing his options – he glances at Kendra as if he's trying to figure out what he needs to say. And even though he starts to ask me something, he's cut off before he can.
My view of Alex is blocked when Danny steps in front of me.
"You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to." Danny's gaze is fixed on me when I look down at him. His blue eyes are all I can focus on in the silence that's begun to settle between us. One look over his shoulder and he lowers his voice. "Don't let them push you about this."
"I think he needs to talk about." Alex is watching the two of us carefully when Danny turns around to look at him. Alex is quick to break the momentary silence. "Danny, when you came here that night… what was it like?"
Danny gets a screwed up look on his face at the question. He practically spits the words at Alex. "Glass was shattered down the staircase. His dresser was overturned. There were marks all over his body and his blood was on the floor. Does it really matter? Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"Hey, I'm fine, okay?" I touch Danny's shoulder and he turns to look at me again.
There's something in his eyes that makes me want to lie – to tell Alex that I don't want to talk about it. But I do. Or… some part of me does anyway.
I feel the fabric of his hoodie underneath my thumb, the pilled surface catching against my dry skin. "This is all gonna come out one way or another."
He sighs softly and looks away from me as he shakes his head. A strand of his hair falls loose, laying across his forehead. I watch him for a moment longer, wanting nothing more than to brush the hair back and press kisses to his forehead.
But I have to do this first.
I glance up from Danny, running one of my hands down my face before I speak. "Look, I don't know if I'll ever want to talk about this again so… if you have questions, now's the time to ask. Any of you."
Alex chews on his bottom lip, avoiding looking at either one of us, and everyone else stays silent too. I look around at all of them but none of them will look my way for long. I don't know how long I'm supposed to wait for someone to speak before I get back to packing. But when a minute or two passes in complete silence, I let out a heavy breath.
"Fine. Then should we take the bed down as is or try to take it apart? I'm not taking it with me, we can donate it to the local-"
"Where did it start?" Anastasia breaks the silence, watching me when I shift my gaze to her. "He pulled the dresser down on you – did it start here?"
I let out a breath, shifting my weight. "Yeah, it started here."
Anastasia exchanges a look with Alex but when neither of them ask anything else, I look around at the others. And when no one says a word, I know it's not that they don't want to know. It's because they don't want to push me. They don't know how much I can talk about it before I break down like I did at Tatiana's place. I was strung out and really fucking scared then. It's different now. But I don't think any of them are going to risk asking a damn thing.
"I came home and we… argued," I start, side-stepping the truth of what we talked about. I don't even know how to process everything that happened with Mom or the things Dad said that night. But everything else – the brutal things Dad's hands did to me… I can process that.
Danny slides his hand into mine. I don't know if I need it or not but squeezing his hand in mine sends a rush through my system, pushing me to spill more from my lips.
"He was in my room when I came home and when he took a swing at me, I tried to leave." I nod toward the dresser. "That's when that happened."
Kendra winces and shoots a look at Alex, who's got his gaze entirely focused on me. His eyebrows are drawn down and he nods at everything I say. I don't know what this is like for him. Hearing the sordid tale of what happened that night. He and Anastasia have been through shit with their own father – probably worse than what I'm telling them.
I let out a breath, continuing despite the anxiety picking at my skin. "I got to the landing and he pushed me down the stairs. A picture frame fell off the wall and hit my head on the way down. That's what the glass on the stairs is from."
"Shit," Alex mumbles softly, his gaze shifting to my open door – toward the landing. Like he's picturing the whole ugly scenario in his head.
"I got to the bottom of the stairs and he… he came down after me. I didn't have a chance to get away before…" I let out a breath, looking away from everyone that's looking at me now. "Before he dragged me over to the fireplace. Practically threw me against it. Burned me a couple times with the fire stoker and that's when… that's when I passed out."
Chuck makes a noise in his throat. "Wait – he actually burned you?"
The disgust is clear in his tone and I look up at it. Of course Dad burned me. He was pissed off when I wouldn't tell him where Mom went to. He wanted answers – and nothing stops him from getting what he wants.
"Yeah, the marks are horrible," Alex answers for me. He shares a look with Chuck that I think I understand. I wonder how similar Alex's experience is to mine.
Danny squeezes my hand, giving me a sympathetic look when I shift my stare to him. "I'm sorry you've gone through all of this."
He says the words softly, but he still gains the attention of everyone in the room. And they all look at me. They're all waiting for my response. I don't know what they want to hear. I just know that I'm tired of being here, remembering all the horrible shit that's happened to me.
"So, the dresser goes down to the truck with the desk." I squeeze Danny's hand before I pull mine from his grip. "I'll get started on the shit under my bed so it can go next. I'm not taking it with me but might as well donate it."
They all look like they're debating on turning the conversation back to my dad. Back to all the horrors that happened here. But I'm not interested in talking about that stuff. And I'm sure as hell not going to drag everyone down that road with me.
Alex hesitates for a long time, even as Danny and I start pulling out things from under my bed. But he and Chuck start taking the dresser down and I hear Kendra say something about packing up my closet. I leave that for her and Anastasia. I just focus on the crap Danny and I are dragging out from under my bed.
"Do you want to go through this stuff now or pack it away for later?" Danny asks, shifting through a few things in a plastic container. It's all comic books, CD's, and everything good about this place. It puts an ache in my chest and I don't know how long I can stand to look at it here.
"I'll sort through it later." I swallow hard, nodding when he looks up at me. "I'll get a box and we'll just dump everything in there."
It's weird watching all of this happen. My room is slowly being emptied. All of my stuff is being put in boxes now. And soon… none of it will be here anymore. And this place I know better than my own skin won't be my home anymore.
I'll never fall asleep here again. Never wake up here. Part of me doesn't ever want to say goodbye to a place that knows the darkest side of me. But I think the other part of me already has.
We break mid-day for pizza. Anastasia and Alex keep the conversation going, telling stories from their shared childhood. Occasionally Kendra or Chuck will cut in to correct a detail that they swear Alex or Ana conveniently left out.
They get Danny laughing so hard he has tears gathered in his eyes and even my stomach aches with laughter.
Sitting around the kitchen table with everyone like this feels weird. The conversation's good and I can't remember the last time I laughed this much. But something nags at me the whole time and I can't put my finger on it.
I think I miss Dad. Cause on some level, this feels like the time I played poker with him and the other officers. God, everything felt so simple back then. He threw a fucking bottle at my head and I brushed it off. I should have run that night. Maybe that's why this ache in my chest is so familiar.
Maybe I don't want to be here. But maybe I never want to leave.
When we've stuffed ourselves with far too much pizza, we get back to work. And this time, it doesn't take long. Most of the furniture is already in the back of the U-Haul, all that's left is my desk and the final bit of my stuff to pack away.
Everything is sealed in boxes in less than an hour and all that's left is to take my desk and the rest of the boxes down to the truck.
Alex and Chuck take the desk and when Kendra takes a few boxes, Anastasia follows suit. There's only a few boxes left – Danny and I could take the stack down together. But I don't want to take mine down yet.
I'm not ready to go.
Danny picks up two boxes with a soft noise, but I don't move an inch. I'm stuck in place, staring at the room that used to be mine. Somewhere that used to be my home.
When Danny realizes I'm not following him, he turns around to look at me. There's a few seconds where we just stare at each other but I'm the one to look away in the end. I don't know how to admit the things running through my head. I don't know how to confess the way my heart has begun to ache.
He sets the boxes down again and crosses over to me. "You okay?"
I squeeze his hand tightly when he takes mine. I don't know how to be the kind of person I've been trying to talk myself into all day. I don't know how to walk away from everything I've ever known and not look back. Pretend it doesn't hurt. Of course it hurts. How can it not?
"I'm here for you," he says softly, sending a rush through my system.
They're all here for me. Because I asked them to be. Maybe not all of them. But they're still here because of me. Because they care. I'm not sure I deserve it. I can't even leave my fucking bedroom.
"What do you need me to do?" Danny asks, his voice soft on the words.
I don't know if there's anything he can do. I think this is supposed to hurt. I think that's the only way I'll remember that it happened. Everything that once mattered to me is gone. This room has been gutted and stripped of everything. I no longer have a room in this house. I don't have either of my parents waiting on me to come home. I have nothing left here.
Chuck comes up the stairs and into my room, quickly followed by Alex. I don't know what to say to either one of them but the look on Alex's face is telling me that he wants to come to me. Hold me. I don't want to fall apart. I asked for this – why am I falling apart?
"Can you guys take these boxes down to the truck?" Danny asks, effortlessly shifting the attention away from me. "We'll be right down after."
Alex seems hesitant to leave but Chuck passes two of the boxes to him and they leave my room together.
I wish this was easier. I wish I could let this shit go. But maybe it's supposed to hurt. Maybe that's the only way to know that it mattered. But god, I wish it wasn't hurting now. There's supposed to be time enough for that later.
"Do you want to stay for a little while longer?" Danny asks.
I shake my head, looking around the empty room again before I finally look at him. "No, I want to get out of here."
It's not entirely a lie. I want to get the hell out of here but… there is still a part of me that wants to stay. The small, fragile part of myself that still thinks Dad and I can save this. As if there's anything left between us to save.
Danny takes my hand in his again, gently pulling me toward the door. My feet feel far too heavy for the few steps I'm taking but I follow after him. Out of my room, down the stairs, and all the way to the front door.
I have to stop there, and I think Danny anticipated it. He lets go of my hand, but he doesn't reach for the door handle. He's giving me the chance to take it all in again. To retrace my steps, relive the good memories I had here. There aren't many… but each one makes my heart ache. I'm not coming back here. I'm never coming back.
Danny offers me a sympathetic smile when I turn to look at him. I love him for staying with me through all of this. But I think I have to do this part alone. I don't think I can leave this place with him at my side.
"Can you tell everyone that I'll just be a couple minutes?" I ask, reaching out to touch his arm. "I'll be right out. I just… I need a minute."
Danny nods and though he reaches for the door, he doesn't open it. He hesitates a second before he turns back to me and pulls me into a kiss I wasn't anticipating. But his tongue is warm against mine and his every noise floods my veins with electricity.
"I'm coming back to get you in five minutes if you're not out by then," Danny says as soon as we pull away. He brushes his thumb along my bottom lip and chews on his own as he looks up at me. "Okay?"
I agree with a nod and though he's hesitant to leave me, I can finally breathe as soon as he does. I don't think boys like me are supposed to have boys like him. Boys so kind, they give up their whole day just to help you move shit out of somewhere that used to own you.
This house is too empty and quiet with only me in it. It's surreal to walk through my dad's bedroom and see all of the things he left out of place the last time he was here. I wonder how long it'll take him to realize I've moved out. Will he even care?
All of the things out of place in his room pick at me. They remind me that he still lives here, and I don't. Not anymore. I'm turning away from everything I used to know. All the pain I've memorized by now. I'm leaving it all behind.
Some desperate part of myself wants to leave a note for Dad to find when he gets back. But I know I won't be able to stop myself there. I'll end up calling him and I'll regret it in the end. This is the right thing to do – leaving without saying goodbye. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.
The other part of me wants to do something reckless. Like take all the pictures down from the walls and smash each one. Or tear through Dad's room and wreck everything I can just so he knows that I was here. So he knows that I'm never coming back.
But in the end, I just leave. I pack up my broken heart and I leave the place I used to call home. I lock the door behind me, and I feel everyone staring at me even before I turn around.
Alex is at the U-Haul with Chuck and my broken heart aches to run to him. To let him hold me. But Danny's standing closer with Kendra and Anastasia so I go to him first. Even though I could use Alex's arms around me to infuse strength back into my rattled bones, I go to Danny instead.
"You okay?" he asks, placing his hand on my chest as soon as I'm close enough to him.
His touch is warm even through my hoodie and I capture his hand in mine, dragging his hand up to my lips. I kiss his knuckles gently, nodding even though I'm far from okay. It's too late to change my mind about any of this. I'm leaving this place behind. And I don't know why I feel like breaking down over it. This is what I wanted.
Kendra gives me a sympathetic smile when I drop Danny's hand and she offers her arms wide for a hug. I don't know if I'm worthy of it – not with the way my heart is warring over whether or not this was a good idea. But I let her hug me anyway. And I drop my cheek against her shoulder, relaxing into her warmth.
I'm so tired of hating myself over this. Over everything with Dad.
"it's going to be okay," she whispers the promise and I desperately want to believe her. I'm so tired of things being messy or complicated. I just want everything to be fixed. Even if someone else has to help me fix it.
I pull away from her then, too afraid of what I might say if she keeps holding me. I feel rubbed raw and the wind is cold against my skin. I fold my arms over my chest to keep warm and lift my gaze from the ground. I glance around the group of people all here to help me leave behind everything I've ever known.
I shuffle my feet in the snow with a sigh before I break the silence. "Ready to get out of here?"
Alex unsticks himself from the U-Haul and comes over to where I am. His hand on my shoulder is warm. I don't want to admit how good it feels to have him near me. He squeezes my shoulder once and though I want to go in for a hug, I stay rooted in place, my hands shoved deep inside my pockets.
"I need your keys. Chuck's driving your car to the garage."
I look up at that, shaking my head as I let out a breath. "I can drive it myself."
Alex shares a look with Kendra before he's focused on me, putting both his hands on my shoulders now. "I know you can. But we have to get your stuff to my mom's place and we need to get your car to the garage so I can fix it. It just makes more sense for Chuck to do it."
"I don't mind, either," Chuck pipes up, offering me a smile when I look his way. I don't care if he doesn't mind – I mind. It's my damn car, I should be the one to drive it.
I push Alex's hands off my shoulders and let out a breath. "I'm driving it."
Alex sighs but he doesn't get a chance to argue anything else. Because Danny tugs on my sleeve and instantly gains my attention. He smiles when I'm facing him. My heart skips a beat at the look in his eyes.
"I have to make a trip to the pharmacy so… why don't you ride with me? I can drop you off at Tatiana's afterward," Danny offers, shrugging one shoulder. "At least you won't be crammed in the front of the U-Haul with everyone else."
I don't care about that. I just want to get in my car and prove to everyone standing here that I'm capable of this. That I'm more than capable of this.
"Why don't you want me to drive?" I ask, turning back to Alex. "I'm not even taking the painkillers anymore. They've been out of my system for a few days now."
Alex frowns. "Why'd you stop taking them?"
"I don't need them anymore. I'm fine." I dig my keys from my pocket and try to step past Alex but it's Danny who stops me.
He turns me back toward him again and steals the keys from my hand. And though he looks fucking sexy with the smirk he's giving me, I'm not in the mood for this. I've just packed away everything that once mattered to me. I just want to get in my car and be alone.
"Danny, give me my keys."
He holds them away from me and there's a split second where we just stare at each other. But he breaks the tension by leaning forward to kiss me. His mouth molds to mine like we were made to kiss each other. And his tongue slides into my mouth and I'm ashamed of the obscene groan he drags from me. Nobody should be able to kiss like that.
As soon as we break apart, he tilts his head to one side with a smile. "There's more where that came from," he says, jingling the keys still out of my reach. "Still want to go by yourself now?"
Dammit. He knows what he's doing to me. He's using it to his advantage. If this were any other situation, I wouldn't care. But my insides are all smashed up and I don't know how to put any of it back together again. I don't want to be around anyone.
"Fine." I step out of his way and let him give my keys to Chuck. And it pisses me off that I care so much. What does it matter? What the fuck does it matter? So someone else drives my car in. So I go with Danny instead and we get to park somewhere and make out. So what?
I leave everyone standing on the walkway up to my house and I move down the lawn to get to Danny's car. He's still standing with the others, so I lean against the side of his car, shoving my hands into my pockets again.
I don't want to go with Danny like this. I don't want to let someone else take my car in. I can do it myself. Even if everyone around me thinks I can't. I want to prove them wrong. Show them that I'm stronger than all of this.
Danny comes down the lawn toward me, unlocking the car with the button on his keys as he jogs down toward me. I open the passenger door before he's even close to me and I collapse in the seat. Something tells me this car ride's gonna last forever.
He gets in next to me and adjusts his mirror before turning to me with a smile. He looks like he wants to kiss me. And I want to kiss him too. But I don't let myself lean across the seat and press my lips to his.
I turn my stare out the window instead, buckling my seatbelt in place with one hand.
Danny sighs quietly but I don't turn to look at him. I don't want to see the look in his eyes and back down from this. I think I have the right to be a little pissed off about this whole thing. I don't get it. I can drive my own damn car.
"I'm sorry," he says softly, taking the blame for something that's not even his fault.
I want to stay angry. To keep myself glued to the window and pretend like his apologies are falling on deaf ears. But he's not the one that made this decision. He didn't decide that I shouldn't be the one to drive. He's just trying to soften the blow and I'm being an asshole by pretending it's not working.
"You don't have to apologize," I say softly, turning toward him with the words.
One corner of his mouth lifts upward in a smile and he shrugs. "I know. But I am. I'm sorry that you're going through this and that it's hard on you." He lets out a soft breath and reaches across the space between us to take my hand in his. "I wish I could make it easier on you."
I wish he could too. I wish he could take all of this pain inside my chest and throw it out the window. Leave it bleeding on the road behind us as we drive away. I wish he could fix this broken part of me. But he can't. No one can.
"So, do you really need to go to the pharmacy?" I ask, gently pulling my hand from his to adjust my seatbelt. "Or was that just a way to get me in your car?"
He leans back in his seat, clicking his own seatbelt in place with a small laugh. "No, I really do have to make a stop over there." He turns to look at me, hesitating a second before he tilts his head to one side. "But if you don't want to go there, we don't have to. It's not like I need to go today."
I don't know where I want to go. I'm leaving the only place that's ever known my soul better than I do. I just want to go home. Not the one a few yards from me – I want to go to a different one. Where Mom never left and Dad never hit us.
A place I actually got to have my baby brother around.
I don't think I hear the shaky breath I drag in until Danny's hand is on my arm. His touch pulls me back to the present and when he looks at me curiously, I know I have to tell him or someone about it. Not here though. Everyone's still standing on the sidewalk or on the driveway and I can't have them watching me.
"The uh… the pharmacy's fine just… let's get out of here?" I ask, looking away from him as soon as the words leave my mouth.
Danny squeezes my arm gently before he pulls his hand away and starts away from my house.
I watch it pass by from the window and it feels like I'm leaving a small part of myself behind. I'm gonna miss it. Even if it's better this way. Even if this is a step in the right direction. I'm still going to miss it. Always.
Danny takes us to Starbucks instead of the pharmacy and he orders us both ridiculously overpriced holiday drinks. I don't think I care enough to tell him that he's wasting his money on things like this. No coffee should cost this much.
He parks near the back of the parking lot and when the snow begins to slowly drift from the clouds gathered overhead, I finally talk. Even though everything in me is screaming to just shut the hell up and not drag him into this, I have to tell him.
"You know… when I left your house that night?"
His posture stiffens just a little. He knows what night I'm talking about. I think months down the road, we're always going to remember that night. The one where everything almost ended and we almost let it.
"Yeah?" he asks softly, his voice hesitant – like he doesn't want to be talking about this. That makes two of us, Danny.
I want to reach across the space between us and take his hand in mine. Reassure him that the pain I'm carrying around inside my chest has nothing to do with him. But I don't have that kind of strength right now, no matter how much I pretend I do.
"I had to go to my mom," I say softly, feeling like he already knows this. He has to have figured it out – I was pretty fucking obvious when I left that night. But he doesn't stop me so I keep going. "She… changed a lot since I saw her last."
Danny reaches for me then. I let him take my hand in his even though my hand is cold. Even though I don't want to make him cold, I let him take my hand because he wants to. Because maybe on some level, I need his touch just to keep going.
"She had a baby."
It comes out ugly and blunt in the quiet of Danny's car. I feel it with the tension that settles comfortably between us. I hear it in the small breath he drags in. I taste it in the gross holiday drink Danny ordered for me.
"Dash," he breathes my name like it's a prayer and I want to tell him it's anything but.
I push my hand through my hair, leaning back in my seat. I don't know where I need to start with all of this. It hurts just to think about Mom starting over in a town that was too cold for someone like me.
It sucks – this whole damn thing sucks. But maybe letting Danny in on the parts that hurt is what helps. Maybe that's what makes me heal.
"I don't… really know how to do this," I confess and even though I don't want to, I make myself look up at him. His eyes are kind, his expression sympathetic and full of the concern I knew would be there.
Danny reaches for me and I let him hold me close to him. I don't know how to talk about this stuff and pretend it doesn't hurt. I don't know how to let Danny in and be strong at the same time.
Maybe the pain in my chest is what makes this all make sense. Maybe it keeps my focus on where it's supposed to be when all I want to do is collapse in Danny's arms and forget the whole world.
Danny holds me for a long time. Long enough for our coffee to go cold and the radio to run out of good songs to play. But I'm warm against his chest and I don't want to leave just because I'm not hurting as much anymore.
He's playing with my hair, threading his fingers through it and letting it fall again. It tickles a little but it's a good feeling.
"I need to get a haircut," I mumble, more to myself than him.
He lets out a soft noise and leans down to kiss the top of my head. "Noooo," he whines, burying his face in my hair. "I love these curls, they're so cute."
I feel myself flush at his words and I roughly scoff to clear the embarrassment from my chest. "Don't tease me."
He pulls away from me, a dead serious expression on his face when I look up at him. "No, I'm not playing. I really love your hair like this," he says, his cheeks stained pink with the confession. "It's… really cute on you."
God, he's gonna be the death of me. And when his blush darkens just a little, I think I fall in love with him a little more. He likes my hair like this. Thinks it's cute. And I think I could die happy right now cause my boyfriend likes my fucking hair.
"Really? You like it better longer like this?"
He lets out an embarrassed laugh, shrugging one shoulder. "I mean… yeah? I think you look good either way but… I don't know. The curls just kill me." He hesitantly reaches out, brushing my hair back from my face. "It's not like I'll hate it if you get your hair cut, just… maybe wait a little while before you do?"
I roll my eyes and he groans, leaning forward to bury his face in my chest. He really is gonna be the death of me.
The song on the radio has ended and when the DJ starts rambling on about the news and weather and all the shit that doesn't matter to me, I reach to turn it off. But he says a name that makes me stop and for just a second, I forget all about the boy in my arms.
"And our very own Howard Baxter, chief of police here in Amity Park – is expected to make a full recovery. In just a few days, he'll be discharged from the hospital. Several officers from the local station, along with some of the townspeople, have already planned to rally around him on his discharge day. His deputies are giving him an escort home in a couple of squad cars. Gotta tell you – it's good to know that we'll have our chief back again soon. And speaking of our great police force, there's currently an accident on St. Agnes road, just before the turn for Cherry Hill…"
I don't know what else the DJ says. I don't know that I breathe for a full minute after I hear my dad's name.
He's leaving the hospital already? People are rallying around him?
"Dash," Danny says softly, and I find it hard to look at him. But the second I do, the expression on his face is telling me that this isn't the first time he's called my name.
I can't hold his gaze for long, barely dragging in enough breath to keep myself up right. I lean back against the seat and he reaches past me to shut the radio off. I don't think it matters anymore – I already heard too much.
"Dash, look at me." He speaks softly but his hands are firm on either side of my face. He holds my gaze when I meet his and slowly lets out a breath. "Listen to me, okay? Everything's going to be okay. You knew this was coming, right? You knew he wasn't going to be in the hospital forever."
I drop my gaze from his and he calls my name again. But I can't look at him anymore. I can feel tears pricking the corners of my eyes. I can't let it happen. I can't cry over him again.
"You're strong enough to handle this. You can handle anything life throws at you now." He slides his hands down to my shoulders, squeezing me gently. "I know you can… and somewhere inside yourself, you know it too."
I manage to raise my stare to his again and the second I'm looking at him, I lean forward to meet his lips with my own. My kiss surprises him but he recovers quickly, matching my intensity in the kiss. He parts his lips for me and then my tongue is in his mouth and we're speaking an entirely different language now. His tongue is warm against mine and his every noise sends electricity through my veins and down my body. For just a moment, it makes me forget.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do from here. Danny's right – I knew my dad was getting out of the hospital eventually. I just didn't expect it to be so soon. I thought we'd be moved into the house when it happened. I thought I had more time.
Danny breaks away from the kiss long enough to shift me into a better position. And then he's straddling me, his pelvis against mine, and his tongue in my mouth. I don't know how I would have gotten through today without him. Thinking about everything else hurts too much so I think about Danny.
How strong he's been for me and how he's holding me gently and kissing me softly to keep me from breaking apart. I know I will. His kisses aren't bandages and even if they were, I'd pick at them eventually. This is supposed to hurt. I just wish it didn't have to.
He takes me to Tatiana's house the long way. I think he's keeping me on the road, so my mind stays away from my dad. It's not working and I think he knows that. How can I think of anything else after that? Even with his kisses and his constant reassurance, there's no way to get my mind off it.
When he pulls his car to a stop at the edge of Tatiana's driveway, the sun's started to hang low in the sky. It's only four but I have a feeling that the rest of today is gonna pass by in a blur. Somehow, it always does around the Moreno's.
"Do you want come in for a while?" I turn to him with the question and I can see the hesitation on his face. I don't want to make him stay but… I don't know that I'm ready to say goodbye yet.
He unbuckles his seatbelt and cuts the engine off. "Sure. I can't stay long because my parents are expecting me in a little while. We're supposed to meet up for dinner."
It sounds so normal. Like he just casually goes out to dinner with his parents. I wonder what that's like. I wonder if I ever had a chance of knowing what that's like or if I was doomed from the start. Was my dad always destined to beat the shit out of me and Mom? Was my mom always going to leave me behind, no matter what I did?
I get out of the car when he does and I pull my jacket on even though it won't help. This kind of cold will freeze my bones long after winter clears out. I think I was always destined to be cold.
Danny slides his hand into mine as we walk up to the house and even though it makes my heart race, thinking of Tatiana catching us like this, I realize I don't care. She can hate this part of me if she wants.
"You want to cancel on your parents and have dinner with me?" I joke, ringing the door bell with my index finger before I look at Danny with a smile. "I'm kidding. Mostly."
He grins and squeezes my hand. "I'd love to. But I'm pretty sure they'd kill me."
The door opens in front of us before I have the chance to respond and he pulls his hand from mine. I don't know why he does but I don't reach for him again.
"I was wondering when you slowpokes were gonna show up," Anastasia says, grinning as she leans against the doorframe. "What – you two love birds go off and get a little action?"
I can feel the heat on my face but Danny's practically spluttering next to me. Usually I'm the one that's a mess when someone comments something like that. But I guess for now, he can be the mess.
"Why? Need to live vicariously through us since you're not getting any yourself?" I come back with, grinning when she raises her eyebrows.
Anastasia leans over to flick me on the arm but she's grinning. "Good one, kid. I didn't expect that from you." She pushes away from the door frame, beckoning us further inside. "Mom, Alex – Dash is here!" She glances back at me for a second before adding, "He brought Danny with him!"
Of course I brought Danny with me. He's my boyfriend now. And if I want to invite my boyfriend inside, it shouldn't be that big of a deal.
I follow after Anastasia, Danny at my side, all the way to the dining room. It feels like it's been months since I've been here, not a couple of weeks. It makes the breath catch in my throat, remembering how Tatiana avoided me after she saw me kissing Danny. But it doesn't matter. If she hates that part of me, she hates it. Nothing I say can change her mind.
Alex is at the table, playing a card game with Chuck, but he puts his cards face-down when he sees me. He turns to give me a smile, his gaze slowly shifting to Danny. "Hey," he greets, nodding toward the table. "You guys want to join us?"
Kendra looks up from the open notebook in front of her. She closes the notebook before I can catch what it says, and offers up a smile instead. "Hiya, boys."
"Hi," Danny greets with a smile, turning to look at Alex. "What's the game?"
He shrugs his coat off and I pull a chair out for him. He glances up at me with a smile, his cheeks flushed. "Thank you."
"Five Crowns," Chuck says, looking up with a smirk. "And Alex is losing pathetically."
Alex tosses his cards toward Chuck. "It doesn't matter. Start a new game for them." He hesitates for a second before his gaze shifts to mine. He asks a question with the look but I don't have an answer to give him.
I sink down in the chair next to Danny, scooting forward under the table until my knee touches his. He instantly angles himself toward me a little more but he makes it look subtle. No one even looks our way as Chuck starts shuffling the cards.
Anastasia explains the rules to the two of us, but I don't really understand. I'm too lost in my own head to focus on a card game. So Danny shares his hand with me and we end up playing as a two person team. Which Anastasia is quick to tell us is cheating but Alex and Chuck let it slide.
Halfway through the sixth hand of this game, Danny's consulting with me about our next move, when Tatiana comes into the dining room. She's carrying a plate of cookies – fresh from the oven.
"I thought you all could use some cookies," she says with a smile, her gaze drifting around all of us. When she looks at me, I have the urge to kiss Danny just to see her reaction. But I'm not that kind of person. I just drop my gaze to the hand of cards I'm sharing with Danny, instead.
Chuck leans forward to grab a cookie. "Thanks, Tatiana. Your food is always the best."
"Kiss ass," Alex says, rolling his eyes as he drops his cheek into his hand.
I shuffle the cards I'm holding and I shift my gaze from Alex and Chuck. And I don't mean to meet her gaze but I do. And it's like all the oxygen in my lungs suddenly leaves me in a rush of emotion. I hate this feeling. Despise it. And though her gaze is filled with sympathy, it's not enough for me this time.
"Whose turn is it?" I ask, turning my gaze back to the pile of cards in the center.
Anastasia leans forward to draw a card. "Mine. And you're all going down, bitches!" She lays her cards face up in the center of the table. "Boom! That's another zero points for me, Chucky!"
Chuck looks up at the name and shares a look with Alex that feels connected to more than just this moment. Like they've been here before – losing to Anastasia.
"I almost forgot what a terrible winner she is," Chuck comments and Alex snorts.
"Hey!" Anastasia leans over to bat him on the arm. "I'm not a bad winner, you babies just suck."
Tatiana quietly slips from the room then and I guess I expected to feel some kind of relief but I don't. It's not like she owes me anything but… I don't know. I feel like I should just confront her about this so it's done. So it's out there in the open and we can both stop dancing around it. So, she hates that I love Danny. So fucking what?
Danny leans against me then, laughing softly at the exchange between Anastasia and Chuck. His shoulder bumps against my chest as he laughs. And this moment feels so perfect between us. Like we were always meant to get here. Like he was always meant to be the one that makes himself a home inside my heart. And I don't know why that could ever be a terrible thing to someone else.
I don't know how long we play the game for but when Danny gets a text from his dad, he gets up to leave and I walk out with him. It's cold without my jacket on but I don't care. He's worth a little shivering.
Danny zips his jacket closed as we walk down to his car and he opens the passenger door with one hand. He sets down a plate of cookies wrapped in tin-foil that Tatiana insisted he take with him before turning back to me.
He hesitates for a second but opens his arms wide for a hug. I step into his embrace and drop my chin onto his shoulder. He holds me closer and I wish we could stay like this forever. I wish he didn't have to leave to have dinner with his parents and I wish I didn't have to go back inside. I just want to go with him wherever he goes.
"Despite… everything that happened today," he starts hesitantly, letting out a breath as he holds me tighter. "I… really had a good time with you."
I give some half-scoff, half-snort kind of noise and it makes him let out a nervous laugh. I don't know if today was good for me but… it wasn't bad. Especially with Danny there. He made the rattling inside my chest feel more like distant thunder rather than the storm I've always known.
"I wish I could stay." He pulls away from me, one half of his mouth quirking up into a smile. He reaches up to my head, gently pushing my hair back. "These curls definitely kill me."
His words make me flush but I roll my eyes. And pretend like it doesn't send this rush through me, making my heart pound.
"Whatever." I meet his gaze and when I lean forward, he kisses me.
I don't care who sees us now. I love the way his lips feel against mine and when his tongue slides into my mouth, I draw him closer to me. He kisses like the way the sun sets. Eliciting all these feelings inside of me that I can't name – only feel. And I get drunk on it from just a little taste.
He pulls away from the kiss and I ache to drag him into another one. But I know he needs to go, and I need to let him. Even if I'll miss him until he's in my arms again.
I slide my hands around his waist, meeting his pelvis with my own. I hear the hitch in his breath, but I just give him a smile. "Hey, you call me later, got it?"
He lets out a stuttered breath and I watch that pink flush across his cheeks like a flower blooming right in front of me. He sinks his teeth into his bottom lip, raising one eyebrow. "Dash Baxter, are you telling me what to do again?"
"Maybe," I tease, leaning close enough to kiss him but I don't meet his lips yet. "Why? You like it when I do that?"
The noise he lets out is sinful and sends a rush of heat through me. He blinks and when his eyes are open again, they've changed color. This electric green is staring back at me and this warm feeling bubbles up inside my chest at the look he's giving me.
"You tell me," he says before crashing into my lips with his own.
God, I love the way he tastes. I love that he can fluster the fuck out of me with just a look. I never felt this way with Paulina. Fuck that, I've never felt this way with anyone. We've only been together a couple of weeks but I feel like I've known him for years with the way my heart is pounding. With how in time we move with each other. And I didn't even notice that somewhere in our kiss, I drove him back against the side of his car, my pelvis grinding against his like we both ache to close what little space is left between us.
When we kiss, it's like the world around us doesn't exist.
I'm the one to pull away this time, even though it's just to catch my breath. I lean my forehead against his, my heart pounding.
Danny makes me feel like this could last forever. And I don't want to think about how everything around me is changing because… it sets my heart beating out of time and I don't want to feel that way now. I want these kisses we've shared to soothe all the anxiety today has brought.
"I've gotta go," he whispers, leaning up to kiss me again before he pulls away.
I don't want to let him go. I want to chase after him for another kiss but I don't. I keep myself rooted to the grass as he slips away from me and goes to the drivers side of the car. I shove my hands into my pockets, aching to go to him.
He opens the drivers door and pauses there, turning to look at me again. He tilts his head to one side and gives me a shy smile. "So… I'll call you later, yeah?"
"You'd better," I mumble, with as much strength as I can muster. It still makes his breath catch so I count it as a win. I think I even manage to give him a decent smile too.
He gives me a little wave before he gets in the front seat and closes the door after him. I miss him already. It's stupid and probably a little fucking fast to feel this way. But god, he's just driving away and I already miss him.
I go back inside even though I want to stay out and give him a call. I'd convince him to talk on the drive over to meet his parents. But he needs his space and I need to go inside. Try to find some way to keep my mind away from Dad. I think I already know how that battle's gonna go – I've never been much of a winner.
Chuck stays with us for dinner, keeping Alex laughing. He tells all of us stories from when they were kids with a few recent ones thrown in. He gets Alex's full attention whenever he's telling a story that Alex wasn't a part of – like Alex is desperately trying to play catch up on the time they weren't talking to each other.
I still haven't figured out what happened between them. And I don't think it's my place to ask. If either of them wants to tell me, they will.
I find myself picking at my food the whole time we're at the table. I'm just not hungry anymore. And I don't think it's only because I'm across the table from Tatiana. I packed up all my shit from a place I used to call home. And my dad's gonna be out of the hospital in the next couple days. How can I eat knowing that I won't be able to stop myself from going to him when he's finally out of the hospital?
"Dash, you've barely touched your food," Tatiana comments softly.
It takes effort to look up from my plate with a blank expression on my face. I don't want to let on what's really fucking with me. But with all eyes on me now, it's hard.
"I'm not that hungry," I confess. I drop my gaze to my plate again and give the food on it another stir, before I look up again with a shrug. "Sorry, the food looks good… I'm just not hungry."
Tatiana hesitates for a second and when she looks away, I think she can tell that I'm lying. Or at the very least, I'm holding back.
I don't know how to confess the truth or how to say that everything is fucking with me again even though it shouldn't. I'm with people that care a hell of a lot about me. That should be enough.
"Danny… seems to like coming over," Tatiana says softly, looking up at me again.
I can't tell if she's pushing the topic because she wants to talk about it. Because she wants to accept it. I don't know what I want her to do. Part of me just wants to pretend that it never happened but I don't think I can do that. I think I owe it to myself to stand up even when it scares me.
"Yeah, he does. I like him coming around too," I say. "He'll probably be around a lot, honestly."
Tatiana nods, dropping her gaze to the table again and I realize how quiet it's grown around us. I can hear everyone's hesitation as we both struggle over what to say or what's too far to speak out loud. I want to tell her everything I'm thinking and I don't want it to matter. But either way… I just want the truth.
"Is there something you want to say about him?"
Alex calls my name softly but I ignore him. I'm tired of hiding from this. I'm tired of trying to pretend like it doesn't matter. Danny's my boyfriend. Of course it matters.
Tatiana's quiet for a few seconds that feel more like hours to me. Her silence scratches at me and the fear slowly starts to creep in again. All the worst things I've ever thought about myself are pounding into me now and I can't do anything to stop it.
That word floats through my mind again. The one Dad loved to toss around when he found out about Kwan. What that person in the mall called me.
Fag.
I push the food around on my plate until the silence is thick enough to choke me. I drop all pretenses as I set my fork down. I can't do this. I can't dodge the truth or exist in careful lines with another person. I did it with Mom and Dad. I don't want to do it here. Not with her.
"Do you not like us dating?" I'm blunt with the question so she can't ignore it again. I don't think I even care if the answer's yes. I just need to know what she's thinking.
She lets out a breath slowly, shaking her head she looks up at me again. She fidgets with her fork before she sets it down. "No, honey. I don't care who you see – if he makes you happy, then I'm happy for you."
I don't get it. I can't have imagined the way that she's avoided us when I'm with him. She doesn't like some part of this. And if it's not me and it's not him… then what the fuck does she have a problem with?
"So what is it, then?"
Alex sighs. "Dash, does it really matter?"
He turns to me with the question and the look in his eyes tells me the truth. He knows how much this matters to me. He's just trying to stop this from escalating. But I don't know how to stop it.
"I just don't understand what the big deal is. If there's something about this that bothers you, please tell me." I look back at Tatiana, dragging in a breath like it's strength when she meets my gaze. "Because… I don't want it to be like this forever with you."
Tatiana groans softly, reaching across the table to put her hand on mine. "I mean it – I want you to be happy. And if you're happy with him, then I truly am happy for you."
There's a hesitation behind her words that I know I'm not just imagining. And all it takes is a few moments of weighted silence for her to spill it.
She exhales heavily, squeezing my hand before she admits it. "I'm scared for you. It's not… easy to be yourself in a town like this." Her voice is soft on the words and she slowly strays her gaze toward Anastasia.
I wonder what Ana's seen on the other side of this. I wonder if something happened to her – something Tatiana can't shake.
"It's just…difficult to be who you are in a place with people who are… less understanding. Less accepting," Tatiana continues, turning back to give me a sympathetic look. "I know it can be frustrating but sometimes… it's easier to just keep it quiet."
"Doesn't mean you should," Anastasia cuts in, giving her mom a look when they lock gazes. "Look, I'm not gonna let you tell him to not be himself. Don't you think his dad would tell him that?"
Tatiana sighs heavily, pulling her hand from mine. "That's my point, Ana. If his father knew…" she trails off, looking at me again. "You can imagine my fear when I think of what he would do to you if he knew."
Her words send a rush of fear coursing through me. She's not alone in that. I'm terrified of the things Dad would do to me if he ever caught me with Danny. It wouldn't matter that he makes me happy. All that Dad would see is a boy. Someone his son's not supposed to love.
"I get it," I finally say, my voice quiet on the few words. I feel like I should apologize for pushing her about this but I'm not sure that I am sorry. I wanted this out in the open.
I shift in my chair, letting out a breath as I look up at Tatiana. "Anastasia's right." I look toward Ana, swallowing hard as I steel myself. "I know that it'd probably be easier to just… stay in the closet or keep this quiet or whatever but… I can't."
I look back at Tatiana now, letting out a breath that feels like it's been trapped inside my chest for weeks now. Things have changed. I'm not that shaky, scared boy that realized he wasn't straight that night in Kwan's bedroom. That person doesn't exist anymore – it's just a mere shadow of who I used to be. And standing in his place is me. I'll never want be afraid of this again.
"Truth be told, it's gonna be hard either way," I say, going for a smile to soften the blow. "It's my dad we're talking about. He'd probably be just as ticked off about this as he'd get when I'd come home late or forget to call him. It's my dad. It's just who he is."
Tatiana's practically wringing her hands across from me and she lets out a slow breath. "Dash, honey, I hear what you're saying but I just don't… I don't know."
"Mom," Alex calls, looking up at her with a nod. He speaks softly in Spanish, nodding a few more times as Tatiana fidgets nervously.
She sighs heavily, looking between us like she's warring with herself. I don't know what Alex said but it seems to put her on edge even more.
"What if that's not enough, Alexander?" She breaks off halfway through her sentence, her language shifting to Spanish. When she barely stops for air, Alex gets up from his chair.
He leans across the table to put his hand on hers and lowers his voice. "It won't be like it was, Mom."
She sighs heavily and drops her gaze to the table. She's blinking rapidly and when the breath she drags in shakes, I hate myself for bringing this up. I don't know why I do this. Why I push for things that I don't have the right to ask for. I shouldn't be here. I'm too selfish for a family like this.
Alex squeezes her hand a final time before he sits again Everyone at the table has fallen silent and no one's touching their food anymore. Tatiana sits quietly for a couple of minutes that seem to last forever. But she finally gets up, excusing herself softly, and I'm frozen in place until I hear her bedroom door shut. I caused this. Why the fuck did I cause this.
I get up from my chair and ignore Alex when he calls my name. I leave the dining room and I'm out on the front porch before I even realize what I'm doing. But I guess I've got a little of Mom in my blood. Because when I'm down the stairs and standing in the driveway, I run.
I run like I've got something to run from. Like my shoes pounding against the pavement will ease the pain in my chest. Like if I'm gone, everything will be better. Maybe it will be. Maybe nothing will change. Either way, I run.
A/N:
Yoooo! So…. it's been a bit. Like… three months worth of a "bit"…. What can I say? Life happens, bruh
It's been a long time, so let me just jump straight into this. I struggled for so long with this chapter during those three months away. I kept going back and forth over specific scenes and little details. I probably changed and put things back ten times over… it's honestly ridiculous lol
But, what you see here is a culmination of three months of half-assed work, with one solid week of intense checking and rechecking details – such is the life when you write a fic of this length lol
ANYWAY. I'd love to know what you thought of this update. The house they looked at in the opening, and Dash getting his stuff out of his old house, and the boys making their relationship OFFICIAL… they're boyfriends now, guys. We're never gonna find a greater love story
The title of this chapter comes from Cornelia Street by Taylor Swift. I've been playing her newest album, Lover, non-fucking-stop since it released. I really like the album as a whole but I felt like this song really fit this chapter. If you've heard anything off this album, let me know – music is my jam, my peeps
Thanks for reading this latest update, I hope you enjoyed. I'll try not to wait so long for the next one to release lol. Please let know what you thought of this update, I hope you enjoyed and are looking forward to the next one!
And speaking of, next chapter, you'll get to see where Dash runs to, as well as a heartfelt reunion, and possibly even a therapy session…. say whaaaat? Follow me on tumblr and Twitter to know when the next chapter drops. Or join the Discord server – hmu on tumblr for an invite link
Thanks again - see you next update!
