Quill, wearing his ridiculous Santa hat, peered nervously out of the viewport at the dust-ravaged vistas of the transit station they found themselves in as the solar wind that made it through the shielding mixed with the dust of the comet's tail and sleeted down like gritty sulphurous snow.

"Dammit, where is Drax! I told him to be back early! Doesn't he realise the danger we're in?"

"Of what? Gout?" said Gamora, peering into the tiny oven in the Milano's galley as Rocket made eggnog, his gas mask providing him some protection from the ethanol fumes. "Is that a whole velociraptor?"

"Rap-liz-fo: Raptor stuffed with lizard stuffed with frog; closest I could find to Turducken in the shops here, and that's besides the point, the point is Drax is out there somewhere, alone and vulnerable out there!" said Quill, striding though drifts of raptor feathers as he paced, nervously, to the sounds of the Elvis Christmas album.

Awesome xmass mix: Blue Christmas; Elvis Presley.

Rocket stepped back from the hob and pulled the mask off. "I sent him to the pub to get some more rum." He said, kicking on the extractor fan to dissipate the haze hovering over the stove before it could strip any more leaves of Groot, once again in his traditional Christmas tree garb. "The inn next door: This weaksause Xandarian stuff just isn't cutting it, I had to add some of my home made Rye to even it out." He said as Gamora stepped away waving a hand over her face: she'd accidentally taken a deep breath, and her bod-mods had just kicked in to stop the booze fumes going straight to her head.

"Dammit!" said Quill, pacing. "Okay team, I'll do the briefing without him. Fall in!"

Rocket and Gamora just stared. "Into what, your insane delusion that we're somehow a competent military team?" said Rocket.

"Humour him, it's Life Day." Said Gamora, as she Groot and Rocket got into something vaguely assembling a line, the sharp military effect only slightly hurt by the fact that Gamora was leaning on the kitchen counter, Groot ducking to avoid a low ceiling support, and Rocket wearing a "Bribe the cook and no one gets hurt" apron.

"Exactly!" said Quill "Life Day, Yule, god-dammed god-bless holly jolly Christmas, and for the last two years running we've got somehow sucked into dangerous and weirdly festive adventures! First there was that Scrooge wannabe who tried to expound the Milano, and last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day some douchebag assassin with a Dream-machine tried to kill me by convincing me I was in It's a wonderful life. Two years running we've been sucked into weirdly apropos festive mishaps, and it's not happening to me a third time! I know a pattern when I see it, so this year we're going to be prepared: Gamora, internal security: run interference, stop any festive storylines before they start and take down and disable any holiday themed intruders before they can start anything. Groot, Santa-proofing: I want the air vents and anything else that looks like a chimney blocked up and body-trapped, not a festive churchmouse should be able to get in, let alone old Saint Nick, I'm trusting in you, my main man! Rocket, I want a full anti-reindeer air-defence grid, elf-proof laser phalanx, Frosty the snowman anti-measures, motion activated flamethrowers at least but if you feel the situation needs it don't be afraid to break out the matter-scrambler or Quantum grenades! Someone starts walking on the air and singing a festive song about it, you take then down! If it's jolly, we can kill it! You ready team?"

Groot, Gamora and Rocket stared open mouthed with shock.

"Oh my god his mind's finally snapped." Said Rocket, horrified.

"You're actually complaining that he just gave you permission to use the matter scrambler?" asked Gamora, more amused than horrified.

"I'm not saying his deep an incurable insanity is all bad, but when he starts gibbering and jacking off in the corner that's on your head, sister."

"Hey, I haven't lost my marbles, okay? It's just after the last two Holidays we need to be ready for anything! Every Christmas destiny is trying to screw me! So I've switched off the com system, I've lowered the ships power output, and there are dozens of ships stopping over at this station to re-fuel and re-supply, so we might go unnoticed. All we need to do is lay low, stay indoors and avoid talking to anyone so we can't get sucked into any sort of festive narrative, and sit and enjoy our Life Day meal and wait for all this festive danger to blow over." Said Quill, helping himself to an eggnog and pleasantly discovering that not only was the spicing delicious but that Rocket had managed to keep the measure of liquor in it marginally sublethal.

Just as Quill raised the glass to his mouth, there was a knock on the lower hatch.

Quill froze up, and Gamora rolled her eyes.

"Quill, don't be paranoid: that's probably just Drax coming back."

Quill Blew a sigh of relief, and went down to the hatch and popped it open. "Okay, but so long as we don't get involved in any sort of Christmas allegory, then that's the important thing."

Drax was standing there, and he and another man, a Spartori, were supporting a Spartori woman, clearly heavily pregnant and in the early stages of labour, and wearing a blue veil.

"This woman needs our assistance." Said Drax, without preamble. The Spartori man nodded in agreement.

"Please, you have to help us, her time has come, and there's no room at the Inn!" he said, as the comet the station was orbiting hung above her like a star.

Quill stood and stared, eggnog in hand.

"Oh fuck you destiny, you son of a Bi-"

Sudden blare of Joy to the World As giant scrolling Star Wars title screen appears.

A Bit of Both presents

*The Guardians of the Galaxy Nativity*

Now 20% more sacrilegious.

"Fuck, fuck fuck fuckety fuckety fuck!" yelled Quill to himself, head in hands, while Gamora and Drax tried to get the woman comfortable, Groot I-am-Groot-ed to himself and Rocket took the opportunity presented by the distraction to methodically pick up and shake everyone else's Life Day presents, assessing them by sound and scent to see if they were worth stealing and throwing the one's he rejected away over his shoulder.

"Fuck! Oh my god oh my god oh my literal god, it's the nativity, it's the fucking nativity, space Jesus is about to be born in my ship oh my god…. I am not prepared for this." Said Quill, pacing.

"Peter, this woman is in labour, get over here an help me!" said Gamora, helping the woman get settled down into the medical bay and breaking out the breathing apparatus and setting it for a mixture of nitrous oxide and air. "Stop feaking out over some Terran superstition and help me! You too Rocket!"

"Hey, I'm helping: I'm child-proofing the ship by confiscating any small gifts that the little bastard could choke on." He said, helping himself to the festive earrings Quill had got Gamora.

"Speaking as a parent the risks of a new-born that is unable to move or swallow solids choking on such an item is remote at best." Said Drax, wetting a cloth and applying it to the woman's brow as her betrothed clutched her had lovingly.

"I was talking about Quill." muttered the Racoon, but he got up and padded over, pausing only to steal a can of air-freshener that was originally going to be his intentionally insulting gift to Quill but that he figured he could now get a refund for.

"So… what exactly am I doing here? Short of sticking a hand up there and pulling the damn thing out by its face what am I supposed to do? I don't know how it is with you fully developed humanoids, but I'm pretty sure this ain't something you can rush." said Rocket

Gamora and Drax shared a look as the woman yelped in pain as a contraction stuck and then Drax shrugged.

"The vulgar little beast had a point: her contractions are far apart, and while her water has broken I do not believe a birth is immediately imminent." He turned to the woman.

"How dilated are you?" he asked, and the woman screamed in shock at the sight of a huge tattooed stranger asking about the state of her nethers.

Gamora winced, and looked over to the husband and holding out a hand. "Perhaps we should start with some introductions before we start talking about dilation: I'm Gamora, the man with no subtlety is Drax, the short foul mouthed furry one riffling your pockets is Rocket, the tree is Groot, and the one crying in the corner is out captain, the great an feared Starlord." She said, sarcastically.

"-I mean If I'd know that space Jesus was about to be born on my ship I would have cleaned way, way more thoroughly. Or at least hidden the pornography better!" he said, hyperventilating into a paper bag.

"Quill!" hissed Gamora. "Come over and introduce yourself to the frightened pregnant woman and stop freaking her out!"

"Oh god…. Okay." Said Quill, nearly slicking back his hair and walking over to shake the hand of the woman and her husband.

"Peter Quill, people call me Starlord and I'm totally sorry about that one time I farted really loudly in church, please don't let the baby hold it against me!"

The man looked stunned, but then held out a hand a shook it, cautiously, as if afraid Quill might bite.

"J'Sef, and my wife Ma'ri." He said.

"Ehe of course you are. So, No room at the Inn, eh? Right before Life Day? What are the odds of that?" said Quill, his grin now awful and waxen as he struggled to process what was happening.

J'Sef nodded. "Yes, we were trying to find some shelter after her water broke, It's so unstable out there with the solar storm raging, we were happy just to find somewhere stable to shelter."

"Don't say stable!" yelled Quill, suddenly. "You're making it worse!"

Drax and Gamora shared a Quill's lost it Look, but Drax then spoke up. "Indeed, what motivated you to travel so close to the holidays with your wife in such a delicate state?" Drax asked J'sef.

"We are returning to Spartax, for the Pretorian census."

"Of course you are." Said Quill, grimacing. "Hey, bet you a unit and I'm sorry if this sounds hideously insensitive, but the kid, it's not yours, is it?" he asked J'Sef.

"Quill!" yelled Gamora, as Drax stared, Groot Groot-ed in shock and even Rocket paused in pilfering long enough to raise an eyebrow. J'Sef, however recoiled in shock.

"How did you know?" he said.

Drax and Gamora stared.

"What." Said Gamora, flatly.

"My wife…. My betrothed, if I'm honest, she was visited by a divine essence, and became pregnant without physical consummation..." He noticed the look the others were giving him. "This is the bit where you say I'm crazy." He said, clearly having had to do this several times. "But she was impregnated by pure light!"

"Yeah, well, that happens surprising often around here." said Quill, banging his head on the wall and gritting his teeth. "Just one damn Christmas without this allegorical shit, is that's all I ask, just one damn year! I wanted to get drunk and watch Die Hard but nooooooooo!"

"Rocket, Groot, take over the Gas and air for a second." Said Gamora, standing up and striding towards Quill. "And get an epidural ready, this is about to get painful."

"The woman does not yet need one." Said Drax.

"Who said anything about the woman?" Gamora said, grabbing Quill by the ear and leading him off for a brief and very to the point chat about the importance of not freaking out everyone. "Okay Quill," she muttered. "You seem to know something about all this that we don't so let's have a little chat out that." she said, setting her jaw grimly.

"Okay, where to start. Okay, so this is the story about Terra's most widely revered religious figure…"

"Kevin Bacon?"

"Ummm… close but no cigar. Look here it goes…"

Meanwhile, Drax Rocket and Groot were left with the happy couple.

"So." Said Drax. "Have you funds to care for a suckling babe on the reminder of your journey to Spartax?"

J'Sef shook his head. "All we had we spent on transit tickets."

Drax paused, and then passed over the woman's hands, clenching painfully tight with each contraction to Rocket, who yelled with pain and began to look panicked with the proximity to birth, as Drax walked over to his travel bags and took out his wallet.

"Here." He said, walking over and pressing a coin into the woman's sweating palm. "It is not much, but it is all the Spartori currency I have: one gold mark."

Groot noticed the gesture, and nodded. He needed to do something kind as well for the poor woman, but what? He turned and asked Rocket what a suitable gift might be.

"I am Groot?"

"What? I dunno…. Drax has given money, and we don't have anything else suitable for kids on the ship, no clothes or toys or stuff for them…. I dunno… kids stink, more than other bald bodies, anything to cover the smell of dirty diapers would be a safe bet."

Groot nodded, and held out a hand and started to cross his eyes in a slightly strained expression. After a few moments, the bark opened up on his palm and he started to extrude a dark, viscous sap that hardened almost instantly to a resin. Rocket watched, wanly.

"Is that the stuff you use as a disinfectant?"

"I am Groot!"

"Really? Well okay…. Hey, J'Sef, Groot says you can burn this stuff and it smells good." He said, as the tree man dropped a huge lump of sticky resin into the confused man's hands.

Drax and Groot looked meaningfully at Rocket, who balked.

"What? I need to get the little brat something? Ugg… this time of year is daylight robbery, and I should know." He muttered, reaching into his pants and handing over the can of air-freshener he was going to give Quill. "Here ya go, and don't worry, I got that from a funeral home, if it can cover corpse-stink it'll cover anything."

"Ummm… thanks?" Said J'Sef, confused and frightened.

"Okay team." Said Quill, re-appearing with Gamora. "We have a plan, and all we need to do is stop three wise men from turning up and giving the kid any sort of gifts and OH DEAR GOD did you give him presents? Did you just give him Gold, frankincense and… and corpse-stink-be-gone-2000?"

Rocket nodded. "Yeah, sandalwood and Myrrh flavour. So?"

Quill stood there for a long moment. "Shit. Well, at least you couldn't fit the bill for the magi any more if you tried…."

Ma'ri pulled off her nitrous oxide mask, and screamed. "Oh got this hurts so much, what I wouldn't do for a deathstick!"

Rocket fumbled in his pants "Ah, wait I think I got some from the last guy I mugged, give me a sec…"

"Mal-Bro?" asked the woman, hopefully.

Rocket shrugged, and held out the packet. "Camel okay?"

"Oh God!" yelled Quill. "You stole that line right out to the Moonlighting Christmas special. What is this, some sort of shitty holiday special or something? All we need is some dammed shepherds now. Where are they? Let's just get everyone in on this insanity… what?" he asked, seeing Gamora's face take a strange expression.

"It's nothing Peter it's just… Thanos used to say that history needed it's butchers as well as shepherds, and that all men were just sheep, easily lead to the slaughter. He always referred to false-flag operations as shepherding. That… that was my code name for a while: Shepherdess."

Quill stood stock still for a long time. "Yeah, sure why the FUCK not? That just about makes sense. DAMMMMMMMMMMM IIIIIIITTTTTTT!"

"Quill! knock it off, you're scaring the poor woman!"

"Right, sorry, sorry, didn't mean to freak you out, don't be afraid, I don't mean you any harm….." he said, turning to Ma'ri. "It's just that I….. wait, what did I just say?"

"Be not afraid?" said J'sef, nervously.

Quill turned and punched the wall. "Yep, that just does it doesn't it? What was it mom always said about my dad? He was an angel made of pure light? And I just told you all to be not afraid… oh god, it's the nativity. It's the fucking nativity!"

Gamora was about to reprimand him, when the woman, Ma'ri screamed, and clenched her husband's hand even tighter.

"Oh god, the baby's coming!" she yelled. "It's coming!"

Awsome Mix tape: Chris De Burge: a Spaceman Came Traveling.

Gamora instantly forgot Quill, and moved over to her. "Drax, keep the gas mix stable, Groot, get some blankets to wrap the baby in, Rocket, get an epidural, Quill…." she turned to see that Quill was sitting in the corner, praying. "Quill…. er… just keep doing whatever you're doing." Said Gamora, stating to wash her hand and prepare for the delivery. To her surprise, Rocket moved to the sink as well, and begun to scrub his paws with his usual brisk efficiently.

"You actually know how to deliver a Spartori baby?" the racoon asked out the corner of his mouth. Gamora hesitated for a moment, and then shook her head.

"No idea, but someone has to do something."

"Yeah well, I've got a fair bit of experience in combat medicine, and far more importantly my paws are far smaller and more sensitive than yours. You get the epidural, I'll handle this."

Gamora nodded, and went to prep the drugs. Peter, however, was having issues of his own.

"Hi god, it's me, Margret. Sorry, little joke to break the ice… so how are you? Sorry I haven't talked to you in a long time, still kinda pissed that you got me kidnapped by aliens on the same day my mom dies, I mean I know you have a plan and all, but that was kinda a dick move from my point of view.."

Rocket, however, made a start on the delivery."Okay, Uggg, and I thought you bald bodies looked bad from most frikin' angles…. Okay I can see a head, everything looks good, I'm going in, on my mark, you frinkin' push like there's no tomorrow, you got that lady? One, two three MARK!"

".. and to be fair, I was never sure about religion 'cause my mom's whole 'your dad's an angle' thing kinda weirded me out a bit, and telling other kids that didn't exactly make me popular at Sunday school, but if you are out there, and given the spooky similarity of all this to the nativity, if you are about to get born on my damn spaceship, then I'm really really sorry for all the drinking and swearing and killing and thieving I've been doing hell, I'll even apologise for some, but not all, of the fornication, but heck if you drop in uninvited what do you expect?…."

"How's it going?" asked Gamora.

"I can see a head!" said Rocket.

"Anything else?" asked Drax.

"Look, the view I got here ain't exactly pretty balldylocks, I can see a giant frickin' head and that's all I can say while keeping it clean, okay? Yeash… do baby humanoids normally have heads this huge?"

"That is normal." Said Drax.

"Normal? If you say so, bub, but this one is really ugly, I vote you eat it and start over Ma'ri."

"…. Humanoid's don't actually do that, Rocket!" yelled Gamora.

"Really? Well, that explains Quill I guess. Okay lady, one more big push and you're there. One, two Three!"

Peter had tears in his eyes. "And if this isn't a Christmas miracle, and the baby isn't some sort of space Jesus, then I'll still do my best to help, and welcome it to the world, because every kid deserves the best start in the universe that it can get, and I promise, I'll do my best to help, because I know what it's like to never know your real dad, I swear! And…"

Quill stopped, cut off by the sudden wail of a baby's first cry.

Rocket, bloody to the elbows, held the bundle, swaddled in an old blanket, and looked at it with a worried expression across his snout.

"Errrm is this normal? I mean is It's head meant to be that big?" he asked.

"Is is a boy?" asked Drax.

"A girl?" asked Gamora.

"Errrrr….."

"I… am M.O.D.O.K!" yelled a voice.

Ma'ri and J'Sef beamed, ecstatically. "At last, he is born, or saviour is reborn! This was totally worth killing the rest of our cultist cell to achieve, that I and only I would be the vessel of his dark re-awakening!" said Ma'ri, as J'Sef pulled back her vail, and kissed her on her devotional forehead brand.

"Yes, and ye shall be rewarded for I, the Mobile Organism Designed Only for Killing, is reborn, and I shall wipe out all who stand before me and .. and… why am I being held by a racoon? Who are all these people?"

"Hapless stooges, m'lord, who sheltered I your vessel in my hour of need!" said Ma'ri.

Modok considered this.

"There can be no witnesses to my rebirth. Kill them. Kill them all." He said, just before J'sef and Ma'ri pulled out automatic plasma pistols from in their robes.

Quill and the others stared, shocked.

"Oh darn." Said Quill, as the guns were pointed at him.

To be continued.