Warning for onscreen panic attack, talk of both mental and physical child abuse, vomiting, and brief mentions of homophobia


Tuesday morning is easier. I'm up before my alarm goes off and Alex or Kendra haven't even left their bedroom yet.

I put the coffee on and wait at the kitchen table while it brews. I'm not as nervous as I was yesterday but my stomach still finds the need to tie itself into a knot. I don't know if I'll ever have a day where it doesn't anymore.

It's quiet in the apartment, the only sounds coming from the coffee pot and the distant noise of traffic. I wonder how Danny's morning is going - he's picking me up again today. I wish I could drive myself but my car's still in the shop. And… I guess letting Danny drive me does come with a few perks.

When the coffee's done, I make myself a cup and sit at the table with it. I don't know how today's gonna go. I'm hoping it'll be better than yesterday. I know my schedule now. Which class I'm going to first thing. And I won't have troubling finding the room this time.

My phone lights up with a new text notification and I can't help but smile.

From: Danny

Yo, just got in the car. Headed to you now

See you soon!

God, that exclamation mark at the end kills me. Like he's excited to get here. I just want him to be here already so I can kiss him. So I can hold him in my arms, feel his body against mine, and know that we fit. That we're perfect for each other and despite the odds, we're gonna be together. Despite everything, we're gonna be a couple.

To: Danny

Drive safe xx

It's fucking lame to send back a couple of kisses but, fuck I want to kiss him. And those stupid x's are gonna have to do for now.

The bedroom door opens and I click my phone screen off. No need for Alex or Kendra to see how horrible I am at flirting. It's enough that Danny knows already. I wonder if I was this bad with Paulina – I can't remember. Maybe I'll ask her one day.

Alex steps into the kitchen, surprise clear in his expression. I give him a smile that he just blinks at.

"Morning," I greet, lifting my coffee mug with one hand. "I was kind enough to leave a few drops for you."

He hesitates a second before he snorts, shaking his head. He doesn't say anything as he moves to the cabinet with the coffee mugs in it.

"Danny picking you up this morning?" he asks as he slowly adds sugar to his coffee.

"Yeah. He's on his way already," I say, swallowing a mouthful of coffee before I set my mug down again. "You and Kendra doing stuff with the house today?"

He shrugs. "Sort of. We gotta work out some contract details with our real estate agent first. But hopefully, yeah, we'll get to go over there again and see if there's anything else we need to figure out."

"That's awesome," I respond, grinning when he turns around to look at me. I decide to go for a little honesty. "It's… really exciting knowing that we're all gonna move in together."

Alex smiles, moving over to the table with me. "I'm excited too." He sits down across from me, letting out a breath. "When'd you get up?"

"Not long ago. Maybe like half an hour?" I guess, shrugging as I lift my coffee mug again.

He watches me swallow before he drops his gaze to the table. "We should talk."

I set my coffee down. "About what?"

He looks up again, giving me a pointed look. "You know what."

I don't – not at first. But the more he watches me, the more his stare drifts. He's not looking at me, he's looking at my bruises. And he wants me to talk about them but… what's there to talk about? It happened. It's done.

"Why?" I ask, my voice quiet on the one word.

Alex sighs, pushing his hair back with one hand. "Because… I want to help you. But I don't know how to."

There's nothing he can do. And even if there was, I couldn't ask that of him. He's always been there for me but this… he doesn't have to be here for me for this. I've always navigated this part on my own. The bruises heal and after some time, it doesn't feel bad anymore.

"I'm fine," I say, trying to inject as much sincerity as I can into my words. I can tell from the look on his face that he doesn't believe me so I try harder. "Seriously, I'm good. I'd tell you if I wasn't."

He gives me a look like he knows that's a lie. It's not entirely one. I think I would tell him if I was going through shit… but I suppose my track record for talking to him kind of sucks.

"Are you ever going to talk about what happened?" he asks.

I swallow hard, dropping my gaze to the table now. I shrug one shoulder, not entirely sure why we have to. "You already know what happened that night. I told you guys when we were-"

"I know you're holding back on something," he guesses, raising an eyebrow when I glance up at him. "What are you keeping from me?"

I groan, shifting my gaze away from him. Why is he dragging this shit up now? It happened, I'm moving on.

"Do we have to do this?" I ask softly, looking back at him with the question.

He pauses for a second, just watching me. When he speaks, his voice is clear. And we both know it's the truth. "I think you need to."

I've spent so much time hiding the worst parts of my dad's angry blows. I don't know how to confess them now. Especially to Alex. He's been through his own shit and here I am, dragging him into mine again. He doesn't have to listen to this. He shouldn't have to listen to this.

"It's… complicated," I confess, breathing out slowly. My fingers tremble when I close them around my coffee mug. I don't want to do this before I see Danny. I don't want him to always find me like this.

"I can keep up," Alex prompts.

His insistence drags a groan from me and he takes it the wrong way. He reaches across the table and places his hand on mine. I don't need him to hold me through this. I need him to let it drop.

"Alex, it's…" I don't know how to say it. I can think it or even write it out but saying it is harder. Once I speak the words, it becomes real. I bring someone else into this part of it and… I can't do that. I can't say it out loud.

I pull my hand from his. "Danny's gonna be here soon. I should… get my books together."

He sighs heavily, leaning back in his chair. He looks away from me and even though I really should get my books, I can't move. I know what he wants from me but I can't give it. I don't want him to know the ugly truth of it all. I can barely handle it most days.

"I just want to help you," he says softly.

I bite my tongue until I taste blood. "This isn't the way how."

He looks back at me at that and I can't quite meet his gaze. I don't know how to explain that pulling anyone else into this mess only makes it worse. If someone else knows the truth of the things my dad has done it tears at me. It fucks me up to know that all my dirty secrets aren't mine anymore. They belong to other people too.

"How do I help you then?"

I don't know the answer. I've spent days before, wracking my brain in desperation but I always come up empty. There's nothing he can do. Or anyone. It just sucks. And it'll keep sucking until it passes. Until I forget the cold metal against my forehead or how badly I wanted to taste that bullet. It'll haunt me until it just disappears. I don't know when that'll happen but it's not today.

Alex is still waiting on my answer but Danny's here. My phone vibrates against the table just as he knocks on the front door. I can't tell Alex anything even if I wanted to change my mind.

I get up from the table and go to the door, my mind still on Alex. How badly he wants to help me.

Danny smiles when he sees me, shivering as he steps inside. "Oh god, dress warmly. It snowed overnight and it's soooo cold out there!" he whines. He pauses for a second, grinning up at me. "Good morning by the way."

He pulls me down for a kiss and though it's a short one, I still hold it close to me. I still let it reach the darkest parts of myself, attempting to carry its light there. I don't know how much it works. But I smile when he pulls away from me.

"I just need to grab my books." I hesitate for a second but I know it's not right to leave this way. "Can you… wait in the car for me?"

Danny glances past me and I guess Alex must be there. Because Danny swallows hard before he gives me a nod. "Yeah, of course. Do you want me to take anything down with me?"

"No, I'm good," I tell him, leaning forward to press a kiss to his cheek. "I'll be down in a minute, okay?"

He nods again, squeezing my hand in his before he goes to the door. I watch as he closes the door, taking in a deep breath as I drag up what strength is left inside of me to get through this. Alex is the easiest person in the world to talk to. Maybe that's why this is so hard.

Alex is standing at the edge of the foyer when I turn around. He's watching me carefully, like he's afraid I might try to run. I think if things were different, I might. Because this is hard and I've always run from that. I've always gone in the direction of easy.

"Look, I don't really know what you can do to help me," I confess, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. "I've never done this before. I don't know how to."

His expression softens and he sighs quietly. He closes some of the distance between us, placing his hands on my shoulders. "That's okay. I'm just… I'm trying really hard not to push you."

I think sometimes I might need him to push. And other times, I think I'm gonna need him to back off. I don't know what to tell him. I barely know what I need most days.

"We don't have to figure it out right now," I say, nodding when he squeezes my shoulders. "We can just take it a little at a time and figure it out along the way. Is that… would that be okay?"

He groans softly, tugging me into a hug. He fits me close against his chest with a sigh. "Yes, that's fine. I just want to be here for you. However you need me."

I don't think I was ever able to need my mom or dad. They weren't there for me the way that Alex has been. I always knew to count on myself because most of the time, my parents weren't there. But Alex is. And I think he's going to be for a long time.

If I can figure this out, if I can find a way to let myself need him, I think it'll be good. I think it might end up being exactly what I need.


Alex makes sure I dress warmly. Won't stop pestering me until I've got a scarf around my neck and a hat on. I actually don't mind the hat – it goes with the scarf pretty well. But I know from experience that when my hair gets this long, wearing a hat is a big mistake. It just mashes my curls flat and there's nothing more unattractive on me.

I take a coffee to go along with one for Danny. Alex follows me out of the apartment, carrying my backpack even though I insisted I could do it. But I know this is his way of helping, so I let him follow me down to Danny's car.

Danny sees us coming and leans across the passenger seat to open the door for me. I lean into the car to hand him the coffee. "Here, this one's yours."

"Thanks, I didn't expect you to make one for me," he says, beaming when I hand it over to him.

I shrug. "I just hope I made it right for you. I know you like those mocha latte whatever's at Starbucks so… I put half the sugar container in yours."

He rolls his eyes and I grin, handing over my cup before I turn back to Alex. He hands over my backpack and I stash it in the floor in front of the passenger seat. There's some hesitation radiating from Alex. It makes my gut tighten. But I know I can't leave like this.

"Gimme a sec, okay?" I ask, closing the passenger door when Danny nods.

I step away from the car a little and Alex follows, shuffling his feet in the snow. He doesn't say anything. But when he looks up, I know he wants to hold me. So I close the distance between us and he wraps me tightly in a hug.

"I love you, you know that?" he whispers the words, holding me tighter. "You're just… god, I wish I could take all your problems away or fix them for you or… I just wish there was more I could do."

He's doing enough. He always does enough. It's not his fault that some days I need a little more. Or that… that some days I don't even know what I need.

I let out a breath that drifts higher in the air. "I-I love you too," I confess, feeling my heart squeeze when he holds me even tighter. It's the truth. I do love him. It's not just the things he does for me – it's who he is. His strong will and stubbornness. How fiercely he loves his family. The way he's ready to do whatever it takes to make things work out. I love it all. I love him.

"Have a good day at school, okay? And you know you can always call me," he says, pulling away far enough to kiss my forehead. He holds my face gently, one corner of his mouth lifting upward. "Anything at all – if you need me, I'm there."

I smile, nodding again before he lets me go. He pats me on the shoulder as I move away from him. I get into Danny's car, shivering in the sudden heat of the interior. I buckle my seat-belt in place before I turn to wave goodbye.

Alex waves back and Danny eases the car forward a little, slowly pulling out of the parking lot.

"Everything okay?" he asks as he leaves the lot, merging with the traffic on the main road.

I adjust the heat before I pick up my travel mug. "Yeah, it's all good. He just worries about me, you know?"

Danny nods, looking in the rearview mirror before he switches lanes. "Does he have a reason to worry?"

I think in his mind, he'll always have a reason to worry. Maybe it's because he's been through something similar. I don't know – but I think he's gonna worry about me forever. I don't think I really mind though.

"No, he's just… you know how he is about me," I say, shrugging when Danny glances my way. "I think he forgets sometimes that I've been doing this for a long time."

He shifts in his seat, glancing in the rearview mirror again. "Doing what?"

"You know… everything. The shit with my dad," I say.

Danny lets out a breath. "Can you blame him for being worried? You've been through hell."

"Yeah, but… like I said, I've been doing this a long time," I repeat, stressing it this time. "It's not like all of this just started happening. It's been going on since I was a kid."

"Maybe that's why he's worried," he says with a shrug. "You've been through it for so long, you've normalized it. To you, it's just a part of your life."

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I'm not normalizing anything. It's just… shit happens. I can't spend my whole life sitting around and complaining. So what if Dad beat the shit out of me growing up? It happens. It doesn't matter.

I turn my gaze out the window, counting down the minutes until we get to school.

"Nothing to say?" Danny prompts and I don't understand why he's doing this. It's like he's trying to push me for a reaction. I don't know what he wants me to give him. But I don't want to give him anything like this.

I shrug, letting out a breath slowly. "I don't want to fight with you."

"Why are you assuming we're going to fight?" he asks.

I don't know. Because he's pushing me. Because I've already had to get Alex to back off today – I don't know how much more of it I can do. And if Danny pushes anymore, I'm bound to snap. I don't want to break today.

He turns down the last road before the school and I can't think of the right words to say. I don't want to blame it all on him. But he's the one instigating this and I don't know else I'm supposed to explain this.

"I don't know. You kinda seemed like you wanted to fight," I answer honestly, looking toward him with a shrug.

Danny sighs, easing the car to a stop at the red light. He turns to look at me then. It takes a lot of effort to keep his gaze but I manage it.

"I just wanted to do something. I feel like every time we talk about this, you just brush it aside," Danny says, glancing at the few cars in front of us. "It's like you don't want to talk about it. At least, not with me."

He's right – this is ugly, painful shit. Why would I want to share that with him? It's not like it is with Kwan or Alex. Danny's… different. I don't want him to see me that way.

"It's not you," I lie, lifting one shoulder. "I don't tell Alex everything either."

Danny gives me a look like he calls bullshit. The traffic eases forward again and Danny scoots the car up a little. "I'm not an idiot. I know you have some weird hang up about this. Like…" He trails off, looking away from me as he thinks it over. "Like you think I'm going to break up with you or something if you tell me too much."

I don't think Danny's that type of person. I think I'm that type of person. I think I'll run if he knows too much. Because if he knows the truth, he knows the real me. And if he gets a glimpse of the real me, he might hate it. He might realize I can be an entirely different person sometimes. The kind of person I was when I hoped my dad wouldn't pull through in the hospital.

The silence has settled thickly in the car between us and when he raises his eyebrows, it's all I can do to shrug.

He sighs, easing the car forward when the light changes. "If that's what it is… I don't know why you'd be afraid. If what you're going through was too much for me, I'd already be gone. But I'm still here." He turns into the parking lot of the school. "I don't know why you're still holding back."

"It's just the way I am," I confess, blowing out a breath when he looks at me.

Danny doesn't say anything, just shakes his head. I hate this. I hate that I feel like I've done something wrong. I can't help that this is the way I'm wired. Or that letting people in is fucking exhausting for me.

"Why do you always bring this up?" I ask, trying to keep the frustration out of my tone.

He pulls into a parking spot close to the front doors. "I thought you trusted me," he says, turning to look at me with a shrug. "I don't know. You didn't tell me a lot when we were friends. I just… I thought it would change now that we're together."

"It's not you," I repeat, stressing the words this time. "I'm just… I don't know. Maybe growing up the way I did made me like this but… I just don't like talking about it."

"Or anything," he comes back with, looking away from me again.

I don't know why he's doing this. But it stings. It's not like I've never been an open book before. It's just… after everything I've been through, I don't know who to trust anymore. And I don't think I should have to justify that to my own boyfriend.

"If you want someone that's always going to tell you what they feel, then…" I hesitate, scared to say it. But I need it out there. "Then maybe you should be with someone else."

Danny looks back at me, his eyebrows pinched together. "I don't want someone else. I want you but-"

"But you want me to be different," I fill in for him.

He shakes his head even though we both know it's the truth. "That's not it. I just want you to let me in a little more. I'm here for you now. I just… I want to help."

"What about what I want?" I counter, drawing on the last of the courage left in my soul. "My whole life – everyone's just always assumed what I want. Or done their own thing anyway. You think my parents gave a shit what I wanted? You think my mom thought twice when she left me behind?"

He drops his gaze, all the fight leaving him at once. But I don't think it goes far – I think it spreads to me. I almost want him to push me now.

"I'm not saying that I'm never going to let you in or let you help but… god, I don't always have to tell you everything, do I?" I ask.

Danny sighs softly, lifting one shoulder. "Blake never did."

"I'm not Blake," I snap, almost flinching away from his wide-eyed expression when he looks up at me. "Stop comparing us to what you had with him. It's not my fault that he put you through hell."

He swallows hard, nodding slowly as he looks away again. Guilt gnaws at my insides but if I back down from this, I think it'll get worse. And we'll fight all the time and when we break up, it'll be explosive. It'll destroy me.

"Are we going to be okay?" I ask, the fight giving way to fear now. "I don't want to lose you. So… you gotta tell me if this is a deal breaker for you."

Danny lets out a breath quietly, shaking his head. He looks back at me then. "No, it's not a deal breaker. I just… I want to help you. But I guess if you don't want me to, I don't have to."

I think there'll come a time when everything I feel isn't so locked away inside. Or when I can confess my hurt without breaking apart in someone's arms. But it's not today. Or any day soon. And I can't keep saying this shit is my fault.

"I do want your help," I confess, reaching across the distance that's spread between us. I take his hand in mine, holding on tightly. "I just don't know how to do this yet. I'm still… figuring everything out. When I need you, I'll let you know. Just… maybe don't push me until then, okay?"

One corner of his mouth lifts up and it breaks into a smile. He nods again, squeezing my hand. "Okay. Yeah, that's fair." He brings my hand up to his mouth and kisses it. "I'll try not to push again. It's just… I worry about you."

"I'm okay," I promise, squeezing his hand back. "And even when I'm not, I still have Alex. He's not gonna let me self-destruct or anything."

Danny laughs. "Yeah, that's true. He'd never let that happen."

I grin and when he lets go of my hand, I take my seat-belt off. We take our time gathering our backpacks and coffee. I feel like the tension just melted away between us. I don't know if he's just putting this to rest for now or if he's really gonna try to stop pushing me. Either way, the weight of it slides off my shoulders for just a little while – long enough to steal a few kisses before that first bell rings.


Blake's not in social studies. It takes me a minute or so after I take my seat to realize he's missing. And when the teacher comes in, I pull out my phone. I still have him in my contact list so I send him a couple of texts.

To: Blake

Are you at the admin office with Ethan again?

You're gonna be late to social studies

I silence my phone and place it on the desk. Mr. Reynoldsstarts in on the lesson, his voice low and droning on in monotone. He starts writing out a couple of points on the blackboard when my phone lights up.

From: Blake

I wish

I'm skipping social studies today. Thanks for the heads up anyway

It's the second day back – he's skipping already? I don't like Mr. Reynoldseither but even I'm not ballsy enough to miss one of his classes yet. He needs to forget about my late entrance on the first day back before he'll let a skip pass so easily.

To: Blake

Are you crazy? Mr. Reynolds is gonna have your head

I wonder how often Blake skipped class before. I wonder what it was like for him in his junior year. After the summer he spent at conversion camp. I know Danny went through hell his sophomore year and it bled into his junior year too. But Blake… he's had his own shit too. I don't know if I'll ever figure out a way to let the shit he did to Danny go but it's getting harder and harder to not feel for Blake.

From: Blake

I honestly don't care

Damn. Maybe he's avoiding Zane – I think I would too given his situation.

I put my phone away and sink down in my chair, listening to the lesson drone on and on. I don't know where Blake is but I can't believe he doesn't have to suffer through this class with me.


When social studies ends, I walk through the halls for a few minutes before I head to the chem labs. I don't know if Blake's planning to skip the whole day or not but I'd rather not show up partner-less. I have a feeling Ms. Halliswould probably pair me up with two others in the class, making me an awkward third wheel.

I take my time getting there but Blake's still not in the labs when I show up. I groan, attracting the attention of a few guys sitting at the front of the classroom. I head to my table anyway and drop my backpack on the floor. I take my hat off and ditch it on top of my backpack.

Other students file in around me and I keep my gaze on my phone. I'm scrolling through Facebook when a shadow falls over my desk.

"Yo," Blake greets, sliding in the chair beside me. He drops his backpack on his side of the table. "Judging by your hair, I take it social studies was the highlight of your day?"

Ugh, fuck that hat.

I rake my fingers through my hair to tame it but I think it only makes it worse. "Shut up. It was dreadful – you should have been there suffering with me."

"Oh I was suffering, believe me," he responds, dropping his chin into his hand with a sigh.

I don't know what he means by that. I want to ask him but I don't think I know him well enough to. Jeff might know but… I'm not going to go behind his back like that. I'm curious but I'm not pathetic.

"I swear, today felt ten times longer than yesterday. He droned on forever," I say, leaning over to grab my backpack. "I took some notes if you want to look at them."

He shrugs. "That's okay. He actually emailed me the notes for today's lesson already."

"What?" I drop my backpack again, turning to look at him again. "Why would he do that?"

Blake turns his gaze out the window. "He knew I was skipping today. I gave him a pass yesterday and he asked if I wanted him to send me notes and I said sure. Figured it was easier than having someone do it for me."

What the hell? Why would Mr. Reynoldsdo that for him? I don't get it. He almost seemed like he hated Blake yesterday. Then again… maybe that's why he sent him notes.

"I don't get it," I say, more to myself than him.

Blake sighs, shrugging again. "Don't think about it too much. He just sent me notes. It's not like it's some big thing."

I don't know if that's some kind of code that I don't get. It's just notes… but he seemed so irritated with Blake yesterday when we came in with Ethan. Oh… maybe he's irritated because…

"Are you like… I mean, do you have a thing with him?" I ask, lowering my voice.

Blake gives me a look. "What? Just because I'm gay I'm obviously sleeping with the teacher?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying," I quickly try to back-track. "I just meant… you were flirting with Ethan yesterday and Mr. Reynoldswas really irritated with you and I-"

"Wait, hang on a second," Blake interrupts, frowning as his gaze darts around the room. "So… you saw me flirting with Ethan. And now that Mr. Reynoldsgave me notes for his class today… that somehow means I'm fooling around with both of them?"

God, when he puts it that way…

"That's not what I meant," I say, trying to choose my words a little more carefully this time. "I just thought… when you said that he was just sending you notes, I thought you meant that like… I don't know, like it was some kind of code."

Blake rolls his eyes. "God, I told you not to think about it too much."

"Hey, it's not my fault. You were acting like it was some kind of mystery," I come back with and it makes him snort. "Next time, give me some boring reason and I won't be curious."

"Oh sure, you not being nosy – that happens," he says, rolling his eyes again.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm not nosy. I usually don't give a fuck about what's going on with other people.

"Hey, I couldn't care less what's going on with you or anybody else," I respond.

Blake shrugs. "Sure. Unless it's Danny. Or Kwan. Or Keith, Dale, Mitch, Jeff, Paulina-"

"They're my friends!"

He grins. "Still counts as nosy."

"Oh fuck you," I say, fighting back against the smile I can feel tugging at me.

Blake props his elbow on the table, dropping his chin into his hand. "Just out of curiosity here… why do you care if I was fooling around with one of the teachers?"

I don't really. Blake can be with anyone he wants. There's just something about going out with a teacher while you're still in their class that kind of freaks me out. I don't know. It's weird.

He raises his eyebrows when I shrug. "Come on. You looked so weirded out when you made the guess. What – did you have a fling with a teacher once that ended badly?"

"What? No, of course not," I practically choke the words out but Blake doesn't look like he believes me.

He lifts one shoulder. "For the record, I wouldn't care if you did. I'd be a little surprised but… it's not like I'd judge you."

"I'm not… judging you either," I respond.

A knowing look passes over his expression. He turns away from me blowing out a breath. "Saw these little things, huh?" he asks, tugging the collar of his hoodie down just a little.

I get a better look at the marks across his collarbones now. They're pink, raised lines – like something hit him over and over again. I feel my own marks more deeply just from looking at his.

"Does that happen often?" I ask softly, afraid to raise my voice much higher than a whisper.

He shrugs, letting go of his collar. He smooths the fabric back in its place with a small exhale. I think he might be tired of the questions. Like people that care have asked too much. I know how that feels. But I can't hold back.

"Why didn't you call someone on him?"

He shakes his head, finally turning to look at me. "I tried. But whenever the police got there, my parents had a way of making me seem crazy. Nothing ever happened when I called someone so I gave up."

Fuck. I never called the police cause of who my dad is. But I think in a way, it might have been worse for Blake. He had the courage to actually call someone. But in the end, it didn't matter. No one helped him.

"And by the way, these beauties were courtesy of my mother." He places one hand on top of his hoodie where the marks lie underneath. "My dad doesn't use the cane. That's my mother's thing."

What the fuck?

I don't have the words to string together a sentence. He doesn't seem to be waiting for one. He turns his head back to the window, staring out like he can't wait to leave this town. He has every reason to. This place must be like a prison to him. Even more than it has been to me.

"Good morning, class," Ms. Hallisgreets us with. She gets everyone's attention but mine and Blake's.

I don't know how he's done it this long. How he's carried this secret on his skin in silence for so many years. I wonder how long Jeff's known. Kwan found out when we were kids. How long has it been for Blake? How long has he been alone in this?

"…which you'll be working through with your partner. So, get your supplies from the back closet and get to work," the teacher's saying, oblivious to how focused I am on Blake.

He keeps his stare out the window and I keep mine on him. When all of my shit was at its height – when Dad put me and then Mom in the hospital in one weekend, I was desperate to find someone like me. Anyone walking this same, scary road. I thought I was alone. But all along – Blake's been living in hell, too.

"You want me to get the supplies?" he asks, turning back to look at me. He raises an eyebrow at the expression on my face. "What?"

I make a move to leave my stool but I don't know what supplies we need. I think he can tell from the hesitation cause he lets out a breath and leaves his own stool.

"Just get us to the right experiment, okay? Page 34," he instructs, pushing his chemistry textbook toward me before he leaves.

I watch him go for just a second before I turn back to his textbook, flipping to the right page number. I wish I knew him better when we were younger. Maybe he wouldn't have gone out with Danny and he wouldn't have done what he did. Maybe I wouldn't have this hesitation in me now.

He comes back to our table with everything we're supposed to have to make today's experiment. He slides a pair of gloves over to my side of the table and puts his own on.

I have questions for him – more than I have the right to ask – but we start working instead. We fall into a rhythm as we follow the instructions laid out for us. And as we work in sync, I start to wonder if we've ever really bee that different from each other.


When the class is over, we gather our books in silence. He takes his time and I hesitate behind him, trying to decide if I'm gonna wait for him.

"You don't have to hang around," Blake says, glancing at me over his shoulder.

I shrug, sliding my backpack on my shoulders. "I'm not exactly dying to sit through History."

He smiles at that, rolling his eyes. But he puts his backpack on and we start out of the classroom together.

"I don't like History, either," he confesses, adjusting the way his backpack is sitting. "It's like… all that stuff happened years ago. Why should I care?"

"I think the point is to care about what your grade will be," I grin.

He shrugs. "I could ace through any class if I wanted. I just don't care to."

"Bullshit," I come back with and for a split second, worry races through me. That statement sounds like the old Blake. Bragging just to get attention.

"Honestly, I could," he comes back with. "My parents had me in a private school when I was a kid. But we moved here for my dad's job and-"

He abruptly stops talking. Halts his walk in the middle of the hall. His backpack slides off his shoulders a little as he stands rigid beside me.

"And?" I ask.

He doesn't respond, his lips parting just a little.

I hesitate a second longer before I touch his arm. "Earth to Blake, what's up?"

He doesn't say anything, just stares off into the distance. And when I finally look from him to where his gaze is, I see it. I realize what's fucking with him and for a moment – it fucks with me too.

Several feet from us, in a row of lockers like any other, his is painted over. Someone took spray paint to his locker – fag written across in bright pink. As if that word is supposed to define him or anyone like him. It's a fucking stupid word.

"Fuck whoever did that," I say, turning back to look at Blake. "Where's your next class? I'll walk with you."

He shrugs my hand off his arm sort of numbly. His backpack drifts further down his arms but he stops it from hitting the floor. He only stares at his locker for a second longer before he rights his backpack and turns to look at me.

I see the mask he puts on, the wall that he builds the second he meets my gaze. I have my own collection of masks. Built my fair share of walls. I know what it looks like. And I can't fucking blame him.

"I'm fine," he says, even though we both know it's a lie. He shrugs like he doesn't care. "It's just some idiot."

"Blake-"

He puts distance between us, nodding down the hall. "I gotta get to class. Let me know how History goes." He doesn't look back as he steps away, calling over his shoulder. "See you at lunch."

I feel like I should go after him. Like I should walk him to class anyway. But he doesn't want me to and I can't push him. If it were me, I think I'd want to be alone too.

I look to his locker again, wondering if I have anything on me to scrape that paint off – just to get that stupid word out of my face.


I can barely pay attention in History – it's hard to think about anything other than how shitty this is.

He didn't ask for this. And the old me would probably think he got a little of what he deserves. But… he doesn't deserve that. No one does.

Halfway through French, I'm called on to read aloud a passage of the French book we've been reading in class. My brain is so far away from this, I can't remember anything we were taught yesterday and I stumble over the pronunciations of every word. I don't think Mrs. Kellyis impressed with me but I don't care. There's a hell of a lot more important things to worry about than fucking French.

As soon as the bell rings, I'm the first one out the door. I look for Blake in the halls but he's not there. And I have no idea which class he's in right now. I retrace my steps twice before I give up and go to world politics.

I find an empty desk near the window and drop my backpack in front of it. As soon as I sit, my leg won't stop nervously bouncing up and down. God, I just want to get up and leave – go find Blake.

But… I don't. If he wanted to be found, I would have seen him in the halls. He's probably just counting down the hours until he can get the hell out of here.

Other students file in around me but I keep my gaze out the window. It's not until someone accidentally jostles me that I finally look away.

Jeff's getting settled at his desk. One look at his face lets me know he's seen the locker. His expression tells me just how pissed off he is. I'm not as close with Blake as Jeff but I'm angry too. I don't know why anyone would do that. Spray that word on a fucking locker.

He waits for a couple of students to pass by before he leans across the space between our desks.

"This is so fucking wrong," he spits in a whisper. "He's acting like it doesn't bother him but I don't buy it. It's fucking with him."

"I was with him when he saw it," I say, hesitating for a second before I give a little more. "His face went white and he just sort of froze."

Jeff swears under his breath, leaning back in his chair again. One of the cheerleaders passes by us to get to an empty desk. I can see the muscle working in his jaw as he tries to calm down from this. But I don't think there's any way to. It's wrong. Whoever did this is a piece of shit.

He leans over closer to me again. "Who was making fun of him in your class yesterday?"

"Why? You think he did it?"

Jeff shrugs, glancing behind us before he meets my gaze again. "Maybe. Just point him out when you see him and I'll take care of it."

"Are you kidding? You're not exactly a one-man army," I come back with.

"So it's a big guy," Jeff guesses, looking away from me as he thinks it over. "And you said he's on the basketball team…"

"Stop. If you two fight, you'll both end up in trouble. You know how it goes," I say but I can tell he's not hearing me.

He turns to look at me again. "Was it Marco? Marco Florence?" Jeff collapses back in his chair with an angry sigh when I won't say anything. "You'd rather just let him do whatever the hell he wants to Blake? What if it's worse next time?"

"We don't even know if there will be a next time," I point out.

He shakes his head, looking away. I watch him chew his bottom lip, his brow furrowed in concentration. I don't know what Jeff's gonna do – but he's right. This is fucking wrong.

"Zane," I say, hesitating before I continue. "Zane's the guy that was in class with us yesterday."

Jeff's expression shifts and he slowly nods, his gaze flitting around the classroom. I can practically see his thoughts written on his face – trying to figure out when the best time to catch Zane would be.

"If you're planning on doing something, let me help," I say.

He rolls his eyes. "Not only would Danny kill me, you look like a gust of wind would blow you over." He shakes his head. "No, I'll take care of it myself."

"I don't look like that," I respond, leaning closer to him. "Listen, I'm the one who told you-"

Ms. Brookscomes into the room, greeting us all. I fall silent at her voice, leaning back in my chair. I'm the one who told Jeff who it might be. I should be there when he goes after Zane.

As we settle into the next hour of world politics, my mind drifts to Blake again. How he's dealing with all this shit. If he really doesn't care the way he claims. I bet it cuts him the way it would me. I don't see how it couldn't.


Blake doesn't show at lunch. I keep watching the doors for him but after half an hour, it's pretty obvious he's not coming. I don't blame him.

Jeff grabs a few things for lunch but doesn't stick around – says something about needing to study. But I know he's off looking for Blake. I almost want to follow him. But… something keeps me rooted in place.

So I listen as Dale and Mitch and everyone around me talks like this morning didn't happen. Like that word was never painted on Blake's locker. And I envy every single person at this table – I envy their ability to move on when something like this happens. I envy their laughter and light-hearted conversation today.

I envy that shit like this doesn't completely fuck with them.


Danny sits next to me in English class. And I ache to hold his hand but after this morning… I settle for scooting my desk a little closer to his.

"So, I can't drive you home," he says, making a face when I meet his gaze. "I'm sorry. Apparently my mom scheduled a doctor's appointment for me and decided to spring it on me at the last minute."

I shift a little closer to him. "Yeah? What's the appointment for?"

His face colors and he lifts one shoulder. "Nothing. She's just paranoid." He drops his gaze from mine then. "Anyway… just wanted to let you know that I can't drive you home. So… you might have to call Alex?"

"Danny," I call his name softly but he still winces.

He sighs heavily, looking up at me again. "Fine, she's…" he glances over his shoulder before he shakes his head. "Hang on."

I wait while he pulls his phone out and when he starts typing, I realize what he's doing. He doesn't want someone else to overhear him. Which twists my stomach into a knot.

From: Danny

She still thinks I'm with Blake even though I keep telling her nothing's going on

She made an appointment to have me tested for STD's

He attaches an eye-roll GIF to our conversation and shrugs when I look his way. Is he being serious? God, that's… so weird. Even if Danny was with Blake, why the fuck would his mom make an appointment like that?

To: Danny

No offense but that's weird

From: Danny

Believe me – I know

I've been through this before. When Blake and I broke up, she did the same thing. I think on some level, it's her way of showing she cares

That or she's just creepily obsessed with my sex life lol

It's weird either way. I barely made it through a conversation with my own mom when she gave me the safe sex talk.

To: Danny

So, you've been to the doctor before?

How does that work?

He frowns next to me, raising an eyebrow as he reads my text – so I clarify.

To: Danny

Because you're different?

From: Danny

Oh, that

Yeah, I've been before. Blood work always comes back with a couple of things high or low but if my parents get concerned, I usually find a way to blow it off

I can go to the doctor. Just not for certain things. Like what you saw

He's keeping his wording vague on purpose. If anyone saw these texts, he'd find a way to explain it away. And I'd help him.

To: Danny

So no chance of getting out of this?

From: Danny

Nope. Sorry :(

But I can call you later tonight?

I'd rather he drive me home. We can listen to the radio and stop at Starbucks and make-out at the outlook again. I'd be more careful with my rib and we could take it farther than we did last time. Until we're both spent and he's lying on my chest and… we'd fit. We'd be perfect and happy and nothing could take that away. But he's got somewhere to be and I can't spend all my time with him.

To: Danny

You'd better


Rather than Alex, I text Kwan instead. I don't go into specifics – I just say that Danny's got an appointment. Kwan's text is almost immediate, telling me he'll drop me off.

So when my last class lets out for the day, I go to the parking lot to wait for him. He's parked his truck beside Keith's.I lean against the back of his truck and scan the parking lot. I don't see Kwan but I catch sight of Blake only one aisle over from where I'm at. He's walking with his head down to his own car.

I almost want to go to him but I don't know that he wants me to. So I stay put and he gets into his car. As he's pulling out of the space, I wish I would have gone to him. He could use friends right now. And I think, despite everything, we could still be that.

"I thought today was never going to end," Kwan says as he comes up to me. He leans against the back of his truck too with a heavy sigh. "I was late to social studies and I thought Mr. Reynoldswas gonna have my head."

"Yeah, well… I bet skipping lunch to make out with Keith probably helped with that."

His face colors when I look at him and he gently bumps my shoulder with his. "Hey – shut up. You'd do the same if you were in my shoes."

"I'm literally with Danny and I didn't skip lunch to be with him," I argue.

Kwan rolls his eyes. "It's different. You guys see each other every day now."

"So do you and Keith."

He groans but he knows I'm right. "Come on, let's go," he says, digging his keys from his pocket. He swings them around his finger before he looks where my stare has drifted to again. "What are you looking at?"

I don't even know. The space where Blake disappeared. That's what I'm staring at. It doesn't matter. Kwan doesn't know what Blake did to Danny. It's not my place to tell him and even if it was… I don't want to bring that up. After everything that's happened, it feels like ancient history now.

"Nothing," I say, shrugging as I turn back to him. "Come on, let's get out of here."

He doesn't look like he believes me but we get into his truck. He backs out of the parking lot, adjusting the heat with one hand as he drives. I almost want to ask him to hit the interstate. Blow off school for the rest of the week. We'd just keep on driving til his car ran out of gas and we ran out of shits to give. We'd sleep in shitty motels and drink stale coffee from any gas station we could find.

I don't know why the need to run is in my blood but I have to fight against it right now. Maybe that's why Alex hasn't fixed my car yet. Maybe he can sense this need in my veins. Maybe this is his way of fighting it too.


When we get to Alex's apartment, I invite Kwan inside. Kendra's car is parked out front but I don't see Alex's. He must still be at the garage.

"Okay but I can't stay long. Mom and I are going out for dinner," he says with a sigh. "I was planning on introducing her to Keith tonight but… she asked me this morning if I wanted to go out and I chickened out of saying anything about him."

I shrug when he looks my way. "You'll tell her next time."

He groans like he doesn't need a pep talk but he nods anyway. "Yeah, maybe."

We get out of his car and start up the stairs to the apartment. He follows behind me, rattling off how the last boyfriend introduction went. Like I could forget about Jared and his complete asshattery.

"Did your mom ever say what she really thought of him?" I ask, turning around to look at him when we reach the apartment.

Kwan shrugs. "Not really. After we broke up, she just said that she never really liked him. You pretty much said the same thing."

"I don't think that's exactly what I said," I say. I'm pretty sure the words "fuck him" were somewhere in what I said.

I try the doorknob but Kendra must have left it locked. I knock gently on the door, turning to Kwan instead. "I don't think Alex is home yet – but his girlfriend is."

"Did I meet her?" Kwan asks, his brows furrowing in concentration. "Kate?"

"Kendra," I correct, turning back to the door when she opens it.

She gives me a smile. "Hi, sorry. I forgot to leave the door unlocked." She opens it wider for us and I step inside, Kwan following behind me.

"Hey, this is my friend, Kwan," I say, gesturing to him. "He's gonna hang out here for a little while. If… that's okay."

Kendra waves her hand dismissively. "That's fine. Alex called me earlier to say he might be getting home late though," she says, pushing the door shut before she turns around to look at us again. She smiles at Kwan. "It's nice to meet you again. Are you boys hungry?"

I didn't eat much at lunch and I don't think Kwan ate at all. "I think we could go for something," I say, sliding my backpack off my shoulders. I drop it in the foyer and kick my shoes off. "What do we have?"

She brightens instantly and I follow her into the kitchen. Behind me, Kwan takes the time to ditch his backpack and shoes too.

"I'm actually in the middle of baking. So we've got some strawberry nut muffins and chocolate chip cookies right now." She says, turning to look at me. "We're going to Tatiana's over the weekend. Alex has kept the house hunt from her and wants to surprise her with the news so… I'm baking."

I snag a cookie from the cooling rack and Kwan follows suit. "Anastasia knows though, right?"

"Oh, yes. Her and Chuck are coming over on the weekend too. Tatiana thinks it's just a family dinner," Kendra says with a smile. "Alex is excited to tell her."

Kwan steals another cookie. "So you guys got the house then?"

I turn to look at him. "Yeah. I would have told you at lunch but you were too busy sucking face," I respond, sticking my tongue out when he blushes. "You miss a lot when you're ignoring me."

"Hey, I wasn't ignoring you!"

I look back to Kendra. "How come Alex wants to surprise Tatiana?"

She shrugs, checking the timer sitting on the counter. "Buying a house is a big deal for him. I think Tatiana has been holding her breath for Alex to say that we'd be leaving Amity Park. So… for him to give her this news – I think he's just excited for her reaction."

I think I am too. "She's probably gonna cry."

Kendra laughs. "I think he expects that." She turns back to the stove, swapping out one pan of cookies for another. She resets the timer on the counter before she turns to us again. "So, how was school?"

Could have been better, if I'm honest. I look to Kwan, trying to tell from his expression if he saw Blake's locker or not. I can't tell – and I don't really want to bring it up in front of Kendra anyway.

"It was okay," I say, shrugging as I look back at her. "You know how high school is."

She nods. "It was rough even when Alex and I were in it. I suspect it's only gotten worse."

"Big time," Kwan comments, leaning against the counter next to me. He bites into his cookie with a shrug. "I feel like this town's only gotten worse too."

Kendra looks between us and she must get the hidden context there. "It won't always be like that," she says softly, hesitating before she pushes a little more. "There are other places out there – filled with people that understand. You don't have to live here forever."

He gives a small sigh in response. "I feel like I'm gonna live here the rest of my life."

"Nah, you're probably gonna be out of here faster than I will," I say, grinning when he looks my way. "First chance to leave, you're gonna be on the plane out of here."

He rolls his eyes, bumping my shoulder with his. "Only if you're in the seat next to me."

I return the smile he's giving me before I look back at Kendra. "We'll let you keep baking. We're just gonna be in the living room, probably working on homework."

Kwan groans loudly. "I wanted to play x-box."

"Sorry, it's packed away. It's in Tatiana's garage," I say with a shrug. He groans again and I roll my eyes. "Come on, just go."

I push him out of the kitchen, snagging another cookie for the both of us on the way out. "If you wanted to play, you should have told me. We could have gone to your place instead."

"That'd defeat the whole purpose of driving you home," he says, sinking down on the floor in front of the couch. "Are you really gonna make me do homework?"

I sit next to him, passing him one of the cookies. "We probably should. I need to have a first draft of Lancer's paper done by Friday."

"Are you serious? That's due Friday?" he asks, collapsing back against the couch when I nod. "Ugh. This semester's gonna kill me."

I chew my cookie slowly, looking around the living room as I think it over. I don't know how to bring it up but I want to talk about it.

"Did you… get a look at the lockers today?" I ask softly, hoping he gets the hint.

He sits upright next to me and meets my gaze. There's a moment of silence between us before he blows out a breath. "Yeah, I saw that."

I lean my head back on the couch cushion, staring up at the ceiling. It's not like Blake and I are best friends. But I still feel the pang in my chest when I think of his locker defaced that way. And the way he froze in the hall… god, it sucks.

"Any idea whose locker that is?" Kwan asks.

It takes me a second to realize he's being serious. He has no clue that it's Blake's. And for a split second, I almost don't want to tell him. Neither one of us have ever gotten along that well with Blake but… I feel this weird need to protect him now. It's crazy. He hurt Danny. Why should I feel anything for him?

"It's Blake's," I say softly, turning to look at him when I say it.

I watch Kwan's eyebrows rise on his forehead and he lets out a breath. He slowly nods, looking away from me again. "Right… I almost forgot what Roxane said about him."

I don't think I'll ever forget that. I know Blake won't. Even after everything he did, he shouldn't have had to deal with that.

"Yeah," I mumble softly, turning my stare to the ceiling again. There's so much trapped inside my chest that I want to say. So much that I need to voice and get Kwan's opinion on. But I can't find the words and he doesn't ask. So I keep quiet and it settles over the two of us, making it almost impossible to puncture.

Maybe one day I can shatter this silence I keep us locked in but… not today. I'm still processing everything and if I'm honest… I'm not ready to hear someone tell me I shouldn't feel bad for Blake. I think I will either way.


Kendra makes spaghetti for dinner and when Kwan leaves, I go to the kitchen to help out. She puts me on garlic bread duty, instructing me on how to make it the way Alex likes it. It's a simple matter of adding about three times more garlic than what the average human should consume.

When Alex gets home, the three of us settle down together. He talks about work and when he asks about school, I skip over the part about Blake's locker. I don't know why but I feel the need to keep that to myself for now.

I'm halfway through a piece of Kendra's fucking amazing cheesecake when Danny calls. My heart jumps in my chest and I can't hide the smile on my face when I see it's him calling.

"Hey, I'll be back. I'm just gonna… take this outside," I say, getting up when Alex gives me a knowing look.

"Take your jacket, it's cold out," Alex says.

I answer Danny's call, pressing the phone to my ear as I start for the foyer. "Hey," I answer, wishing I was greeting him with my lips instead. "How was dinner?"

Danny lets out a sigh. "Not the worst… how's your day been?"

I look over my shoulder as I shrug my jacket on, catching a glimpse of Kendra feeding Alex a bite of cheesecake from her fork. He's got the goofiest grin on his face and I can't help but smile.

"Not bad," I say, stepping out of the apartment with a shiver. "How was… the doctors?"

"Same as it is every time. Clean bill of health. Mom wanted to know everything – Dad was super pissed that she made me go in the first place," he says, letting out another sigh almost immediately. "I'm sorry… you don't need to hear about this."

"Hey, I asked," I say, continuing when he stays silent. "Danny, I… I want to be here for you for stuff like this."

"Yeah, but you shouldn't have to be. Not for messed up shit like this."

I lean my arms against the railing of the balcony, staring out at the parking lot below me. I let out a breath and shift my gaze upward, watching it rise higher and higher in the sky.

"You think my shit is every day, normal shit?" I ask. "You always want to be there for me even when things are… really weird."

"Yeah, but-"

"No, no more buts," I say, continuing when he sighs. "We're here for each other, remember? Isn't that what we decided this morning?"

Danny's silent for a moment longer, but when he speaks, I can hear the smile in his tone.

"Actually… I thought what we decided was that I needed to stop acting like a dick and pushing you all the time," he says.

I can't help the grin that tugs at my face. "You weren't acting like a dick."

"Oh please, I majored in dickology," Danny says, snorting before the words have even left his tongue. "Oh my god, could you imagine if I had? An entire college class – devoted to the art of being a dick."

He dissolves into laughter and it makes me laugh in return. God, this is good. I don't remember ever laughing as much as I have since I met him. This thing we have… it's amazing. I love that we're able to share serious things with each other – and make each other laugh so hard that everything else disappears – even if for only a moment or two.


I wake in the night, sometime past four. My heart's racing, blood pumping, and my hands won't stop shaking. I can barely hold onto my phone, the trembling's so bad. I don't know why this is still happening.

I must have screamed in my sleep or at least made some kind of noise. Because Alex has left his bedroom and comes down the hall to me. I only know he's there when he calls my name.

I jerk my head up from where it's been buried in my hands. Alex stares back at me, his eyebrows raised high. I don't remember if he asked me a question. I watch his lips move again – form words that don't make it to my ears. My heartbeat's too loud to hear anything over.

What's happening to me? It was only a nightmare.

After a moment suspended in silence, Alex sits next to me, placing his hand on my back like it's second nature now. I guess it must be. I'm starting to do this often enough for him to get used to. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish a nightmare wouldn't rattle me like this.

I try to apologize for waking him but the words don't want to come out. They get stuck somewhere between my brain and my mouth and I end up staying silent.

"I'm sorry you're going through this," he says softly, smoothing down the material of my t-shirt with his hand. "I wish there was more I could do for you."

I want to tell him that he's doing enough. That he's always done enough. But the words still won't come to me and I can't force anything else out. It hurts too much to try to say words that aren't in me.

"Did you tell the therapist you saw about these nightmares?" he asks and I can barely nod in response. "Did she give you anything to try for them?"

I shake my head, clawing up a shred of strength left in my soul just to speak. "She… she said that maybe… being on a schedule would help. She said the… inconsistencies in my sleep schedule… could be contributing to it."

Alex nods, running his hand down my back again. The burns there still hurt but he's just trying to comfort me. And I can barely speak anyway.

"Do you want to put the air mattress in the bedroom?" he asks, still trying to soothe me.

My heart's a jack hammer in my chest and I shouldn't give in to this fear but… I don't want to be alone. It hurts just to breathe. So I give a nod and he wraps his arm around my shoulders, tugging me against his chest for just a moment.

"Okay. Come on." He lets go of me then and gets up from the couch. I'm frozen in place while he gathers my blankets from the couch.

I can still barely hold onto my phone so I slip it into my pocket. I numbly move down the hall, my legs trembling beneath me with every step. I wish I wasn't doing this. I wish I was strong enough to sleep on the couch and not have a nightmare fuck with me like this.

"S-Sorry for waking you," I whisper when we're outside the bedroom.

He turns around to give me a look and I know he doesn't care that I've woken him. His only concern is for me. Because he's more selfless than I could ever be.

"That doesn't matter," he says, pushing the door open further.

Kendra's sitting up on the bed when I step in, and she gives me a sleepy smile when she sees us. I look away from her - my insides twisted up inside.

"Sit, I'll get the air mattress," Alex instructs, gently guiding me to his bed. He places his hands on my shoulders when I sit and he pats me gently. "I'll be right back."

I watch him go when he leaves and my heart picks up its hammering again. I wasn't built for this. I'm not strong enough to withstand this kind of storm.

Kendra scoots closer to me on the bed, placing her hand on my shoulder. I'm ashamed of the tears pricking my eyes. I don't know why these nightmares always give way to fear. I wish I was tougher than this. I wish I could take a little more before I fall down.

"It's going to be okay," she whispers softly, oblivious to the screaming in my head. "We're here for you."

Of course they are. They're both selfless and I can only ever be selfish. They found each other again after whatever drove them apart. They're figuring it out but they're stuck with me. I don't think that either one of them resents it but I do. I resent it for them.

Alex comes back with the mattress and I wish I could help him. But he inflates it on it his own and I can only watch. My hands are still shaking and I feel like I might throw up this time. My stomach is twisting and my legs are so fucking weak.

He finishes the mattress and makes the bed for me, tossing my pillow toward the top and even piling on an extra blanket folded at the end of his bed. I don't know what to say. Thank you isn't enough. And I don't know if I could get my mouth to work long enough to say that anyway.

They can both sense that I can't move a muscle. So Alex sits on one side of me and Kendra scoots closer to me again. They're both touching me and my hands cover my face again. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough to do this. Danny could take nightmares and make them look easy. Keith probably handles his better than I do.

I can't stop the crashing of my heart and when my stomach convulses violently, I have to get away.

Alex calls after me when I get up from the mattress but I can't stop. I barely make it to the toilet before vomit spews from my mouth. It hits the water with a splash and it fucking burns. I shouldn't be reduced to this. But my dream had his hands around my throat and I… I was back there again. Trapped in my room with his hands around my neck, my vision tinting black around me.

I heave again, my upper body shaking from the force or the fear or something. But when I'm empty again, it's all I can do to lean back from the toilet and collapse on the floor.

I lean my back against the tub, my head in my hands again. I don't know how to do this without breaking apart. I've never had nightmares this bad before.

Alex steps into the bathroom. He puts the lid down on the toilet and flushes. He doesn't say anything, doesn't offer up any advice. Just kneels on the floor in front of me and pulls me against his chest.

I don't know how to stop this. I don't know how to keep my heart from shattering into a million pieces every time I sleep. I'd take Dad's hands and his fists over this. He could hit me forever if this would just stop.

Alex holds me tighter when I bury my face in his chest. I don't know how do this. I don't know how to let this go – let it stop fucking with me. But I know one thing. I've got Alex – and I know, despite everything, he's never letting me go.


I take the time to rinse my mouth before I leave the bathroom. And even though he's already made the bed for me, he insists I get in with him and Kendra instead. It's stupid. Like I'm a little kid climbing in bed with his parents. But Alex insists and I give in. I'm too tired to fight anyone.

When the three of us have settled again, Alex keeps his arm around my chest. Like he can fight the nightmares off if he just holds me tight enough. I wish that were true. I wish anyone else could fight these for me. I'm tired of doing it myself.

The exhaustion hits as the hysteria starts to wind down. And though tears are still gathered in my eyes and trickling down my face and across the bridge of my nose, I fall asleep. It's warm between the two of them and Alex's arm around me is strong. It feels safe between them. And maybe that's what I need for now.


It's awkward when I wake up. At least, I feel awkward. My alarm is going off and I have to roll over to get my phone from my pocket.

Alex is already awake and I can feel him watching me as I turn the alarm off. I keep my gaze on my phone even after the alarm stops. I shouldn't be waking up like this. Alex and Kendra might be taking me in but I'm not their kid. I shouldn't be crawling in their bed just because of a bad dream.

"Do you want to skip school today?" Alex asks, his voice still thick with sleep.

I shake my head even though my answer is yes. I want to just bury myself under these covers and pretend that last night didn't happen. When I speak, I have to work to keep my voice even. "No, I'm fine."

Alex puts his hand on my shoulder and says something softly in Spanish. At first, I think he's talking to me. But when I look up, Kendra's pushing the covers back. She gets up from the bed and a lump forms in my throat.

When she leaves, she pulls the door shut behind her and Alex scoots closer to me on the mattress. He runs his thumb along the side of my face and the lingering bruise there tingles at his touch. "I'm sorry you're going through this," he repeats from last night, heaving out a sigh. "Do you want me to call your therapist's office? See if we can get you an appointment for today?"

What does it matter? The nightmare's over. I don't want to spend today talking about it. I had a nightmare. It's over now.

"No, I'm fine," I repeat but I can tell he doesn't buy it. But it's not like I can stay here all day.

I push the covers back from my skin, shivering in the cold of the bedroom. Alex watches as me as I get up from the mattress. I don't want to go to school today. But I can't skip in the first week already.

"I'll drive you to school today," Alex says, getting up from the bed too.

I don't know if his presence will help or hinder me today. But I don't have the strength to argue so I shrug instead. If that's what he wants to do, I'm not going to fight him.

"Okay… I'll let Danny know," I say, unlocking my phone with one hand. I start for the door but Alex stops me. He just calls my name but there's so much weight in it. Like he's scared for me. I'm fucking scared for me. This isn't normal.

He comes over to me, opening his arms for a hug. I don't want to let him hold me. I'm scared all my broken pieces will only cut him.

I step into his embrace anyway, dropping my cheek against his shoulder. I've missed having someone around that hugs me when I don't really want it. Mom used to do that. But she took off. And I've never been any good at comforting myself.

"When we go to see your therapist on Friday, we can tell her about this. I'm not gonna let you keep waiting for a routine to sort this out." He holds me tighter at that. "We're going to figure this out, I promise."

I hope we can. I don't know how many more nights I can wake up shaking, tasting fear at the back of my throat until I vomit. I don't want to be this way forever.


Alex takes me to Starbucks first, ordering me the largest size available for my morning coffee. We sit in the school parking lot, drinking our coffee and eating blueberry muffins. I still feel weird inside. I thought once I got here – I thought maybe once I saw my friends, I'd feel better. But I'm watching them from the passenger seat of Alex's car and I still feel weird.

"If you need me at any point during the day… call me," Alex says, earning my attention again. He lets out a breath when I nod. "What do you usually do for lunch?"

I shrug, tearing off a chunk of muffin. "Eat with my friends in the cafeteria."

"Would it be okay if I pick you up for lunch instead?" he asks.

I know he wants the answer to be yes. But I don't want to rely on him this much. I want to go to school and forget that last night happened. It was only a nightmare. It's not like the world's falling down around me. I'll be fine.

"I'd rather just eat here," I say, trying to be gentle with my wording. He's trying to help me. I don't have to throw that back in his face just because my chest is tight and it's hard to draw in a deep breath.

Alex hesitates for a moment before he nods. "Okay. But you'll call me if you want to leave or anything?"

"Yeah," I respond, ditching what's left of the muffin in the bag it came in. I brush my hands together to knock off any crumbs and take a long pull from my coffee. I'm not ready for this. I'm nowhere close to ready for this. But I can't avoid it forever.

I turn back to look at Alex and he leans across the space between us to hug me again. He holds me close, his arms firm around my back.

"I'm only a phone call away," he says before he pulls away, placing both hands on my face. "I'll come get you immediately, mi amor."

He tugs me against him again and I shiver despite the warmth in his car. I don't know what the Spanish means but I trust the kindness in his tone.

"I'll call you during my lunch hour," I say, shrugging one shoulder. "Let you know that I'm okay."

He holds me tighter at that, turning just far enough to press a kiss to my hairline. He says something softly in Spanish that almost sounds like a lullaby. I lean against him a little more, wishing he was already picking me up from school. I don't know how I'm supposed to go in those doors and face everyone. But I have to – I can't hide out in the parking lot forever.

I get out of Alex's car, my backpack on and coffee in my hand. I carry it like a shield in front of me.

Danny's not outside but almost everyone else is. Star's sitting on the hood of Jeff's car, laughing at some obnoxious story Dale's telling. Mitch is sitting next to Star, looking generally embarrassed at what Dale's saying. Kwan's standing near the edge of the group, his pinky finger locked with Keith's. I guess they're still not ready to tell everyone they're dating.

Jeff is leaning against the front of his car and he notices me first. He gets something from my expression, I guess. Because he pushes away from his car and makes it look casual as he drifts away from the group.

He meets me halfway, leisurely strolling beside me as we walk toward the group. "Everything okay?" he asks, nodding when I shrug. "How come you didn't come with Danny?"

I let out a breath, keeping my gaze on the pavement as we walk. "Alex wanted to drive me instead."

Jeff nods again, falling silent as we near the group. Slowly, they all take notice of me. And even though they're not exactly staring, I can tell they're worried. I can't blame them. If I look even half as bad as I feel…god, I must look like a train wreck.

I take a long pull from my coffee before I nod to the front doors. "It's cold out here so… I'm gonna... I'll see you guys at lunch."

No one tries to stop me but Kwan breaks away from Keith and follows me inside. He doesn't say anything until we're walking through the front doors.

"What happened?" he asks softly, catching me by the arm when we pass the first set of lockers. "Did… did something happen between you and Danny?"

I sigh, rubbing my eye with my fist. "No, nothing happened."

"Then what's going on?" he asks softly, tugging me out of the way of passing freshman. They're all huddled together in a group and I remember when that was me and my friends. When we were awkward freshman trying to figure out classes and schedules and still getting lost in the halls even in the second semester... god, it feels like a lifetime ago now.

I take another sip of coffee like it's liquid courage. "It's nothing, okay? Alex just wanted to drive me. So he did."

Kwan frowns, tugging me further down the hall. "Dash, I can tell something's wrong." He waits for a moment – maybe expecting me to just say what it is. But when I stay silent, he lets out a breath and tries again. "Are you okay?"

I don't know the answer to that. If I was okay, I wouldn't be so out of it. But it was just a nightmare. I should be over it by now. Maybe I don't know how to be okay anymore.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I say, with a shrug. "I'm gonna go to social studies."

Kwan trails after me even though I don't need him to. "Do you want me to get you anything? We can get lunch off campus today if you want…"

I shrug, adjusting the way my backpack is sitting. "No, I'm fine. Thanks anyway." I touch him on the shoulder as I step past him, continuing down the hall.

For a second, I think he's gonna follow me. But I glance over my shoulder and he's heading back out to the parking lot instead. I watch the doors for another few seconds before I start down the hall again.

I try to get a straight shot to my classroom but up ahead in the hall, Danny's waiting outside his own classroom. And he notices me – raises his hand in a wave, a bright smile on his face.

My first instinct is to run – pretend I didn't see him and duck into my classroom. Not have this conversation yet. But I know it'll only worry him. And I'd rather get this over with.

I continue down the hall even though I've passed my classroom now. I only stop when I'm a few feet from Danny. Something stops me from reaching him all the way. He holds my gaze across those few feet, his expression curious. Hesitant.

Other students pass us by, completely unaware of the silence pressing in on me and the person I'm supposed to be the most honest with. The person I'm supposed to hand dark, scary things like this to and ask for his help.

But I've never been any good at honesty. And that ugly feeling from last night spikes in me, sending my stomach lurching. For a moment, I almost vomit. Almost show everyone in the hall how much this is all still fucking with me.

I breathe in sharply through my nose. Force a swallow down. Anything to keep that feeling at bay.

Danny closes the distance between us, offering up a small, hesitant smile. "Hey," he greets me with. "I missed you this morning."

"I… missed you, too," I say. I try to return the smile he's giving me but I'm sure it comes out as more of a grimace.

"At least we both still have Starbucks," he says, holding up his matching cup with a smile.

I drop my stare down to mine. It feels like a ten pound weight in my hand now. And my stomach's tied in too many knots to get any more of this down.

"I should… get to class," I say, not even looking up at him before I turn away. He only lets me get a pace away before he grabs my arm, turning me back toward him.

I meet his gaze. Watch his eyes search my expression. Try to figure out what's going on just from my face. I wish it were that easy. Wish I didn't have to speak the words aloud.

"I had a nightmare last night. Alex… Alex insisted on driving me today," I say, the words spilling out of me. I try to downplay them with a shrug but I see the concern on Danny's face when he frowns.

His eyebrows draw together and he tightens his hold on my arm. "Are you okay?"

I shrug, continuing when he tilts his head to one side. "It was nothing. Seriously – you know how Alex is."

"Yes… but I know how you are, too," Danny says, closing more of the distance between us. "You know it's okay if it scared you, right?"

I try to listen to what he's saying but my skin is prickling at the people lingering in the hall. I feel like they're watching us. Trying to figure out what we are to each other now. God, it must be written on our faces – all the things we've done and the words we've exchanged to one another. They can all tell. And fuck – we'll be lucky if all they do is deface our lockers like they did to Blake.

"You know I would never-"

"Yeah, I got it," I say, pulling my arm from Danny. Nerves flare to life in me, racing along my skin at the expression on his face. Still – I don't take back what I said. I just look away from him as I continue. "I'll see you at lunch."

I turn away from him and continue down the hall. My stomach's twisted into knots even tighter than before and it's impossible to think of anything other than the expression on his face. I think that hurt and confusion in his eyes will haunt me forever.

There's only a few other students in the classroom when I step inside. I take my seat and pull a notebook from my backpack, fill a page with random doodles. I keep going until I run out of space and the classroom has filled up around me.

Mr. Reynolds enters the room before the bell's even rung. He looks at the clock at the wall before leaving the door open behind him.

"Good morning, class," he greets us with, setting his briefcase down on his desk.

The class mumbles a general good morning back to him but Mr. Reynoldsdoesn't seem to notice. He's turned from his desk when a student's stepped inside the classroom. I glance toward the doorway but it takes a split second to register that it's Blake.

For a second, I think I must be seeing his sweatshirt wrong. But he's proudly displaying it, almost a hint of a smirk on his face as Mr. Reynoldstakes it in.

"Morning, Mr. Reynolds," Blake says, picking a piece of lint off the hem of his Some People Are Gay. Get Over It. sweatshirt. I can't believe he's wearing it. I don't think our teacher can believe it either.

Mr. Reynolds clears his throat, frowning when I finally tear my gaze away from Blake. "Mr. Weston, clothing like that is not permitted in school."

A look of surprise dawns on Blake's face. "Oh – it isn't?" he asks, his eyes widening in fake innocence. "I thought since my locker said something kind of similar, this would be okay."

Mr. Reynolds sets his jaw. "Remove the hoodie, Mr. Weston."

Blake smirks then. "I don't think you want me to."

"I think I do," he insists.

Blake shrugs, dropping his backpack at his feet. He slides out of the sweatshirt and drops it on top of his backpack. He takes the time to smooth out his t-shirt before he looks up again. "Better?"

Mr. Reynolds takes in Blake's I like my women how I like my wine – I don't. I like cock t-shirt with a stoic expression. I don't see how he keeps a straight face – half the class snickers and I can't do much more than close my gaping mouth.

God, he's really fucking going for this. I could never step foot inside school wearing either one of those. I don't know if I just don't have the confidence or if I don't want that kind of attention.

"You think this is cute? You think this inappropriate behavior is funny?" Mr. Reynolds asks.

Blake shrugs, folding his arms over his t-shirt. "So, which one do you want me to wear?"

"I want you to go down to the office. They can straighten you out," he replies, gesturing to the door. "Get out of here. I'll let Ms. Harrietknow you're coming."

Blake rolls his eyes but he picks his stuff up from the floor. He gives a mock salute to the teacher before he's out the door, pulling it shut behind him.

I almost want to go after him just so he won't be alone in this. But after typing a few things on his computer, Mr. Reynolds launches into talking about social studies and I lose my nerve. I hate that I don't have that kind of strength in my soul. Blake made it look easy. But I know I could never walk out of here like that.

Mr. Reynolds continues on with the lesson and I sink down further in my chair. I hope Blake can understand. Any other day, I might be able to find the strength to follow him. But not today. Today, I barely have the strength for me.


As soon as social studies lets out, I go straight to chem labs. Blake's not there yet but I sit down at our desk and wait for him. I almost want to ask what the hell he was thinking. Showing up here wearing something like that?

Everyone files in around me but Blake's one of the last to show up. He's still wearing the sweatshirt but he doesn't look as confident about it now. I wonder what the principal said to him.

I don't know what to say to him as he sits down beside me. It's the same shit with me – words aren't coming easily. But I force myself not to use that as an excuse right now.

"For the record, I like your sweatshirt." I'm surprised my voice doesn't shake on the words. I mean them. I could never pull off something like that. But he makes it look effortless.

He looks at me with a smile, mischief clear in his eyes. "I can only wear it when I'm not at home. And anyone that tries to stop me can go fuck themselves."

"Guessing your parents don't know you own it?" I ask.

His expression darkens but he shakes his head. "Nah. They'd kill me if they knew."

I think my dad would probably hate this part of me too. If he saw it, I think he'd try to kill it. I don't think there'd be a hesitation in his mind. I wouldn't be his son anymore. Because boys don't like boys. And he'd tell me I should know better.

Blake slouches down in his seat, blowing out a breath. I don't know if I have the right to ask but I can feel the conversation between us start to thin. And I don't want to sit in silence. Not right now.

"Did the principal give you shit for wearing it?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Not really. She just said that they haven't fixed my locker yet cause they're still trying to find out who did it."

"You'd think they could take a picture instead of leaving it," I say.

He slouches down further, looking up at the ceiling. "Yeah… I don't really care though." He looks to me with a shrug. "Everyone's already seen it. What difference does it make if it's gone now?"

I guess that's true. Shit's already been slung his way. That dark, selfish part of me wonders if maybe he deserves this on some level. After the shit that went down between him and Danny… what's a simple word on his locker?

I slouch down in my own chair, flicking my gaze to the ceiling now, too. I don't know how to do this. I've never been any good at finding a middle ground. Usually, someone's either good or bad in my eyes. But people are capable of changing and maybe he has. Maybe he still is. And maybe I don't have to decide if he deserves this or not. Maybe it is what it is and life doesn't pick and choose. I don't know anymore. I don't think I ever have.


One look at the crowded cafeteria and I know I can't do this. I can see Danny standing just inside the cafeteria, looking around for me. But I can't go to him. Not like this.

I double back through the hallway and raid the closest vending machine. I duck past people heading for the cafeteria, hoping I don't bump into anyone I recognize on the way to the library. But when I round the corner, I see Mitch and Dale – ducking into the library.

I let out a sigh, raking my fingers through my hair just as my phone vibrates in my pocket. I shift my vending machine finds into one hand and pull my phone from my pocket with the other.

From: Danny

Hey, I'll save you a seat at the table!

I groan softly and put my phone away before I duck into the closest bathroom. It's empty, so I take the largest stall at the end and sink down on the floor with my vending machine raid.

Danny texts me twice more during the hour I spend sitting on the floor but… I can't respond. I don't even read them. I just linger in the bathroom until just before the bell.

I can't avoid him in English but I pretend to be really interested in the lesson, taking diligent notes and writing down everything Mr. Lancer says. I think Danny knows it's an act – but he doesn't try to stop me. And when the bell rings, he only lingers by his desk for a moment. Until he realizes that I'm taking my time packing my things away.

He leaves with a soft, "See you later" and I wish he didn't have to go. Wish I could just open up and let him in the way part of me desperately wants to. But… I don't know how to do that in a crowd full of people I barely know.


When school lets out, I force myself to go to Danny's car in the parking lot. I lean against the back bumper and watch for him to come outside. He always stows his backpack in his car after school, even if he's working on decorating the gym.

I alternate between watching cars leave the parking lot and watching the front door. I drum my fingers against Danny's car, my breath catching my throat when he steps out of the doors.

He notices me immediately, his steps faltering for just a moment before he continues forward. He stops a few paces from his car and slides his backpack off his shoulders. He doesn't get any closer to me, so I close that distance between us.

"Hi," I greet him with.

Danny frowns and adjusts his hold on his backpack – shifting it from one hand to the other. "Hey… I missed you at lunch."

I drop my stare to the pavement. "Yeah, I uh… I didn't feel like…"

Danny waits a moment before responding. "I looked for you, you know." He nods when I briefly glance up toward him. "Checked the last class you were in before lunch, the library… I even went to your gross locker room."

That makes me laugh softly and I nod, keeping my gaze on the pavement. "Yeah, that place is pretty gross, huh?"

Danny's quiet for a moment before he prompts me. "So… where were you?"

"The uh… the bathroom on the second floor isn't a bad place to hide out with your vending machine raid," I say.

He raises one eyebrow – waiting on me to give more than that. To tell him what's going on. And it's such a delicate action, it has me spilling my guts out for him again.

I drop my stare to the pavement, palm the back of my neck. "I'm sorry, I just… it's been a really weird day and I didn't feel like being around people."

Danny lets out a soft breath and closes what's left of the distance between us. "Okay, I understand that. Do you… do you want to talk about it?"

I lift one shoulder in a shrug. And for a moment, I consider leaving it there. Consider keeping the dark truth buried inside me. But it's Danny – for him, I owe a little honesty.

"Last night was… rough," I admit, unable to keep his gaze as I continue talking. "I don't know, I thought I was fine but today was just…"

Danny makes a soft noise and takes my hand in his. "I understand. You don't have to explain."

Part of me wants to explain. But the other part of me – the part of me that's gotten so used to running wants to just leave. Never talk about this shit again.

"Thanks," I say, squeezing his hand gently.

"Is Alex picking you up?" he asks, continuing when I nod. "Okay… do you want me to wait with you?"

I shake my head, barely glancing up at him as I let go of his hand. "No, it's fine. He'll be here soon."

"Okay." Danny touches my arm, waiting until I look at him before he gives me a smile. "It's okay if the next few days are weird, okay? You've… got a lot to deal with."

"Thanks," I repeat, dropping my stare from his. "You should… probably go help with the decorating in the gym."

"Hell yeah, I've gotta get that place looking great – it's our first school function together," he says, grinning when I meet his gaze. "Can't wait to see you in your suit."

I know I blush at that – I feel the heat crawl across my face and slowly move down my neck. "Ha, ha. Are you putting your backpack away or what?"

I take the bag from him before he has the chance to disagree. He follows me over to the back door of his car and unlocks it for me. He waits while I put his backpack on the backseat. And when I pull my head out of his car, I recognize the look on his face. Feel the want in my own chest, too.

He glances one way, I glance the other. No one's looking at us. So we chance it – my mouth molds to his and for a moment, I forget about everything. I forget that anyone could see us right now. Forget about that word scrawled across Blake's locker, forget my nightmare, forget my problems, forget my father.

For a moment, with Danny, I forget everything.


I feel like time slows down until Friday hits. I've been sleeping on an air mattress on one side of Alex and Kendra's bed since Tuesday. I haven't had a nightmare since then but maybe that's cause I'm barely sleeping now. Insomnia's got a tight hold of me again. I don't exactly mind it right now. It's almost comforting not to be able to fall asleep when I close my eyes.

Even though Alex made the appointment for after school, I almost wish it was before. Because I spend most of Friday with my stomach in knots. I'm barely paying attention in my classes. It's lunch before anyone breaks the fog wrapped around my mind.

I'm sitting next to Danny, my head resting on the table, his fingers walking my spine, when Jeff calls my name.

He slides his phone across the table toward me. "Did you hear anything about this?"

Howard Baxter to be released from hospital Saturday following shooting. Fellow officers, friends, and townspeople to gather at hospital.

I'm just starting to read the article when Danny pushes the phone away from me. I shift my gaze from the table to him, catching the screwed up look on his face.

"Don't show him shit like that," he says.

I let out a breath, shrugging his hand off my back. "It's fine." I look to Jeff, nodding toward his phone. "Does it say what time he's being released?"

Jeff looks down at his phone but chews his bottom lip instead of answering me. When he looks back up at me, his gaze strays to Danny – like he's asking permission. It's not like I can't just look up the article myself.

"Are you gonna go to the hospital tomorrow?" Blake asks, scoffing when I shrug. "Seriously? You just got away from him. You're gonna see him again – just like that?"

I sigh, looking away from him. I stare out into the cafeteria, trying to find the words that I know are in me. It's hard to walk away from this. He's all the family I've got left. How am I supposed to turn my back on that and not give a fuck?

"You don't get it."

"Damn right I don't get it. What right does he have to see you again?" he asks, his eyebrows raised when I look back at him. "You're being stupid about this."

"Blake," Danny calls, giving him a look. "Shut up."

He leans forward. "So, you're telling me you're on board with this then?"

"That's not what I said," Danny says and I can hear the restraint he's trying to keep in his voice.

Blake glances toward Jeff, shifting his gaze to Paulina next. "So… you're saying I'm the only one who thinks this is a bad idea?"

Neither Paulina or Jeff will look at me. I don't care what anyone else thinks. It's my father. How can I not show up on the day he's getting out of the hospital?

"Blake, I really don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks," I admit, shrugging again when he meets my gaze. "It's my dad. I can't just not show up."

He stares at me in silence for a few seconds before letting out another scoff.

"You still haven't healed from the last time you saw him," Blake says, rolling his eyes when I shrug. "Fine, whatever. You want to go back and forth on something so fucking simple, then whatever."

He gets up from the bench, sliding his backpack on his shoulders.

"Blake," Jeff calls softly.

He turns back to look at us, his gaze scanning the table. "You all know I'm right. That guy doesn't deserve shit from him. From anyone."

"He's still my father," I say.

"Bullshit." Blake rolls his eyes. "He's not a father, he's a monster."

"Blake," Danny calls again, shaking his head when Blake looks at him. "Stop. It."

"It's fine, Danny," I say, dropping my chin on the table again with a shrug. I don't care what he thinks. And I think Blake gets that. Cause he shakes his head again and walks away.

The old me would probably have chased after him and explained why my dad's not such a horrible person. But Blake's right. My dad's never been great at the whole parent thing. But he's all I've got left. I can't let him leave the hospital without any family there.

Everyone else at the table stays silent after he's left. I don't know if they're waiting on me or someone else to break the silence. But when no one makes a move to say anything, I do.

"So… who's going with who to the winter formal?" I ask.

That simple question breaks the tension at the table. And my friends immediately dissolve into gossiping about our friends and other students. I keep my chin on the table, barely hearing what they're saying.

Danny knows I'm miles from here. He keeps his hand on my lower back anyway. Keeps me grounded here. And even though I want to drift off completely in my head, I love him for keeping me here. In this moment – surrounded by my friends and far away from the all the reasons not to run to my father tomorrow.


Alex is waiting for me in the parking lot when school's done. I'm ready to get the hell out of here but Danny calls my name when I'm halfway down the stairs.

I turn back to look at him and he meets me in the middle of the stairs.

"Got a second?" he asks softly, his eyes practically sparkling in front of me. I ache to kiss him right here and now but… people are coming down the stairs and pushing past us.

I shove my hands deep in my pockets, despite wanting to take his in mine. "Sure. But just a minute – Alex is waiting for me."

Danny looks past me, nodding once before he starts down the stairs with me. He leads me away from the crowd, over to where he parked his car this morning. He sinks down on the hood of his car and takes me with him.

He chances a look behind him before he leans forward to kiss me. It's a quick, chaste kiss – far less than what I ache for. But it has to be enough for now. I don't want to welcome the stupid comments from people if they see us together. I've heard enough from Dale and Mitch. And I don't think I'll ever forget the look on Blake's face when he saw his locker.

"You should come by this weekend," Danny says, intertwining our fingers. He's smiling when I look up at him, his gaze set on our hands. Like he can't believe how well they fit. Some days, I can't believe it either.

I don't want to leave Danny yet but I can see Alex's Challenger a few aisles down from where we are. And I don't want to keep him waiting.

"Maybe Sunday," I offer, turning back to give Danny a shrug. "I'm gonna be busy tomorrow."

He hesitates before looking up at me, chewing on his bottom lip. "Are you really going to the hospital?"

I don't know what answer he's looking for. It's not like I changed my mind in just a couple of hours. "He's my dad."

Danny sighs, nodding. "I know, I know. I just… I don't know. I guess I just don't really understand why you're going…?" he trails off, quickly adding. "I know that he's your dad but I just… I don't know how he could deserve that from you?"

It's not about whether he deserves it or not. It's about me. I want to go to the hospital and see him out. And I shouldn't have to get it approved from everyone.

"You don't have to understand," I say, letting go of his hand. I get up from the hood of his car and adjust my backpack. "I'll call you later, okay?"

Danny exhales softly, nodding as he gets up too. I feel like I'm leaving him with bruises from my own hands. I don't mean for my words to cut – for their sharpness to scrape against his skin like broken glass. But I'm really trying with my honesty. Even when it stings.

"You'd better call me," he says softly, pulling me back in for another kiss.

I close my eyes to the taste of his lips. I don't know if I've ever loved someone the way I love him. When I'm not with him, I want to be. And when I am, it's like no time has passed between us. Like it's been only seconds since I saw him last. I love that feeling.

When he breaks away from my lips, I chase after him for one final kiss. These next couple of hours are gonna be tough. Not to mention what tomorrow will bring. I need Danny by my side. But I also need to do this alone.

I break away from his lips, already missing the contact. I lean back from him, brushing a strand of hair back from his face. Something in me aches at the sight of him. Like maybe I'm leaving in the wrong direction. I wish I was going with him instead.

Danny gives me a soft smile and I know if I don't leave now, I never will. I'll get in his car, convince him to hit the highway, and we'll drive two towns away. Sleep in a hotel, order room service, and never come up from breathing in each other's air. I want that. But I have to do this first.

"I'll call you," I promise again, bringing his hand up to my mouth. I kiss the back of his hand softly and when he blushes at the action, I fall a little more in love. I've always thought that people that believed in soul mates were delusional. But looking at this boy in front of me… I don't know how I could ever think we're not meant to be.


Heat washes over me when I open the passenger door of Alex's car. He's sitting in the front seat, two coffees from Starbucks in the center console. He looks up when I open the door but doesn't say anything.

I stow my backpack on the backseat before I get in. When I shut the door behind me, the heat totally encases the both of us. I breathe into it, welcoming it like I've been cold my whole life.

"You doing okay?" he asks.

I don't think the answer's no. But a yes doesn't sit right on my chest. So I give him a shrug and I think he seems to get the unsaid meaning behind it.

"I got you a coffee," he says, nodding toward the cups. "I think I added the right amount of cream but I put a couple of extra creamers in the glove compartment if you need them."

He's so fucking thoughtful. I could have asked him to grab coffee on the way but he thought of it before I had to. I could have mentioned how much cream I like in my coffee but he remembered. Even brought extra in case I want more. He actually fucking cares about me.

"Thank you," I say, buckling my seat-belt before I look up to give him a smile.

Alex nods, turning his attention to the parking lot. He backs out of the space and even though I don't really want to go to therapy, I'm glad he's the one taking me.

"How was school?" he asks, easing past a car that's backing up. "Classes good?"

School was like it was every other day. Only… there was no new defaced locker today. And Blake was wearing normal clothing. I don't know. It was an average day.

"Fine," I say, picking up my coffee from the center console. It tastes almost exactly like when I make it. "This is good, thanks."

He smiles, nodding again as he eases the car forward. We have to wait a minute or so for the cars in the parking lot to thin out before we can leave. But we hit the road and Alex turns the radio on.

I turn my stare out the window, watching the world pass us by. I feel like I've been moving in slow-motion lately. And at the same time, it feels like everything around me has been happening at hyper speed. I don't know how to make sense of it. Maybe I don't have to. Maybe I have Alex and Kendra and everyone else that cares about me. Maybe that's enough. Maybe it always has been.


Penelope chooses the board game Sorry! for us to play this session. I still think it's weird to do an appointment this way but… whatever keeps her from rapid fire questions is fine with me.

"I spoke to Alex on the phone this morning," she says when I'm finished with my fourth turn.

We've chit-chatted about how school was today already. I guess we're getting down to business now.

I nudge my marker further onto its square. "Yeah?"

She nods, swiping a card from the deck. She moves her marker five squares before she looks up at me. "He said your nightmares are continuing to worsen?"

"I guess." I lean forward to turn over the next card. "Aha, I get to kick you back to start." I move one of my markers into her space, sending hers back to her start.

She groans. "Dammit."

"I mean, the name of the game is sorry." I set her marker back in the start space, looking up at with her a grin.

She smiles then, nodding toward me. "Do you think the nightmares have gotten worse?"

"Maybe." I shift on the couch, blowing out a breath as I nod to the board. "It's your go."

Penelope hesitates for a moment before she takes a card from the deck. She plays her turn before looking up at me again. "Can you describe the nightmares for me? Give me an idea of what happens after you've had one?"

I shrug, swiping a card from the deck. "I don't know. It's just nightmares." I play my turn before I look up at her. "I used to play this game with one of my friends all the time growing up. But he's such a sore loser we could only play it occasionally."

She smiles, nodding slowly before her expression softens. "That's the third time you've tried to change the subject."

What does she want me to say? Bitch and moan about how bad these nightmares have been? They're a part of life. Maybe not everybody's life but it's a part of mine. And I'm not gonna waste time complaining about it.

"I don't know what you want me to say," I confess, shrugging when she tilts her head to one side. "There's no point going on about what they're like. It's not like just talking about them is gonna make them go away."

Penelope nods. "I see. What do you think is going to make them go away?"

Oh fuck me. If I knew that, why would I be sitting in her office? Just for fucking kicks?

"I don't know. If I had any idea, I'd be trying shit," I say, feeling like I'm coming off way too harsh. It's not her fault that I'm irritated as fuck by this whole situation.

"When I spoke to Alex… he told me he didn't want you waiting any longer. He said he wanted you to have some kind of treatment to help when you have a nightmare," she says, continuing when I shrug. "I told him I can refer you to a doctor if you'd like me to."

A wave of panic rushes through me and I struggle to breathe for a minute. I don't want to go see anyone else about this. They're just nightmares. I'm not going to a doctor for them. Seeing a therapist is enough.

"I'm fine," I say, shrugging when she raises her eyebrows. "I've had nightmares before. They always pass."

She nods again, turning her stare to the bookshelf. "I think it would benefit you to have something in place to help. Something to put you at ease when you've had a nightmare."

Like what? A fucking night-light?

"I don't need it. I'll be fine."

She looks back at me. "I can't make you go see anyone, Dash. But I truly do think it will help you. It's not as if you have to go see someone and tell them everything you've ever been through."

"Why do I need medication to deal with this?" I ask, my face hot from the words I'm spitting her way. "I told you – I've had nightmares before. Why can't I wait them out?"

"You've woken up screaming before?" she asks.

My heart jumps in my chest. I only did that once. The summer before seventh grade. Dad used a belt across my arms and legs to punish me for staying up too late. In my dream, Mom didn't come home like she did in reality. I woke up screaming and Dad gave me a fresh taste of the belt.

"Yes," I say, almost breathless now. That night is so crystal clear in my mind. I did wake up screaming before. It was different then. Mom tried to come to me but Dad wouldn't let her in the room. He threatened to start in on her instead and she left me with him.

Penelope exhales. "Aren't you tired of it now?"

I'm tired of everything. Going through this shit, talking about it, waking up with my heart pounding. I'm sick of it all. But it's my life. No amount of bitching or doctors is gonna change what I'm going through.

"I guess."

"You guess," she responds, looking away from me again. Her stare drifts around the room and I suddenly feel exposed in front of her. Like she can see all the cracks that run along my skin and down to my bones. She knows I'm splintered – she's just waiting on me to admit it.

I lean back on the sofa, looking toward the door. I wonder if I could make it out of here and down the hall before she could catch me. I don't even know if she'd come running after me but… maybe it's worth a try.

"I heard your father's being released from the hospital over the weekend," Penelope says, abruptly snapping my attention back to the present.

Shit. Alex told her about that?

I let out a breath before I look back at her. I can't read the expression on her face and I don't want to give anything away with mine. So I shrug instead, pretend like I don't give a shit. "Yeah, he is."

She nods, watching me carefully now. "How do you feel about that?"

What a fucking question to unpack. There's so many things I feel. I haven't exactly taken the time to go over it all.

I don't have an answer for her – everything's still trapped inside my head. And trying to make sense of it now is a lost cause. I can't even sort it when I'm all alone. But sitting across from her, in this strange office with Alex out in the waiting room… it's not gonna happen.

"What do you want from this?" she asks, pushing for more words that just aren't in me.

I want a lot of things but it's never consistent. It keeps fluctuating. I want my family back together. But I still want to move in with Alex and Kendra. I want the three of us to leave Amity Park in our dust. But I still want to call this town my home. As fucked up as it is, Amity Park will always be my home. I want to go to college somewhere that wants me to play football. And I want Danny. In every way that I can have him. It's hard to say what I want – some days it feels like I want everything.

"I don't think Alex wants me to go," I say – the closest to an answer she's going to get.

She makes a soft noise. "Are you going to anyway?"

I lift one shoulder, exhaling out slowly. "I can tell that my… boyfriend doesn't think it's a good idea either." I chew on the inside of my lip before I continue, spilling words just to fill the silence. "A couple of my friends were trying to talk me out of it today. I don't know, maybe they've got a point."

Penelope clears her throat. "Dash, I didn't ask you what Alex wants. Or your boyfriend. I asked what you want."

"I don't know," I admit, the words falling from my lips like broken apologies. Like a confession spoken in the dark. I want my dad to be okay but I don't know that I want to see him.

He's my dad. How can I not go?

She watches me in the silence that encases us. I guess she's waiting on more truth to spill from me. I don't know if I have much left.

"Do you think I shouldn't go?" I ask softly, my voice threatening to break halfway through.

Penelope hesitates for a moment – it's just a slight hesitation. But I know her answer in that moment. Yes.

"I think that you need to do what you feel is the right choice," she says, watching me carefully when I look up. "I think you already know what the right decision is."

I don't. I'm too twisted up inside to find out what the right choice is. It's all fucking with me and making it harder to breathe every day. I'm tired of fighting against everyone telling me not to go. I don't want to. But I can't begin to imagine how much I'll hate myself if I don't go.

"I just want the day to be over with already," I confess, breathing out slowly as I look away from her. From the moment I heard about this on the radio, it's been at the back of my mind. Gnawing away every chance it gets. It'll be over tomorrow. But god – will it get worse if I go see him or if I stay the hell away?

She nods, waiting a minute or two to see if I have anything more to say. But I'm dried up and she can tell. Every fucking person around me can tell. I've got nothing left in me.

"I want you to think this through before you come to a decision," she says, pausing for a moment before she continues. "I think you need to search inside yourself for the answer. Don't ask someone else to tell you what you should do – you need to decide for yourself."

Fuck, she says that like it's the easiest thing in the world. I don't know what I should do. I don't even really know what I want to do. My heart's twisted up around my throat and everyone's just telling me to breathe. I can't. It's too fucking hard.

Penelope waits for me to say something but I don't. We spend a long time in silence. She's waiting on me to speak and I'm waiting to just fade away.

"I can refer you to a mental health doctor," she says, immediately earning my attention. She spins in her chair, picking up a piece of paper from her desk. "He's really kind and I think you could-"

"I'm not going to a doctor for this."

She turns around to look at me again, slowly letting out a breath. "You'd rather suffer?"

"No, that's not… why do you have to phrase it like that?" I push my hands through my hair. "I don't want to go see anyone else about this."

Penelope sits back in her chair. "So, what do you suggest you do about this then?"

"Wait it out," I mumble. I can't look at her with the words. She knows as well as I do, that idea's complete shit. But maybe it's not. I haven't had these nightmares my whole life – they'll pass. They have to.

She doesn't say anything. And the silence makes me uneasy. I flick my stare up to hers twice in the quiet but she doesn't break the silence.

My phone gives a little ding in my pocket and relief floods through me at the distraction. It's a Snapchat notification from Blake. I don't open it yet but I let my stare linger on my screen – pretend I'm reading something important.

Penelope wheels her chair across the carpet, closer to me. She holds out the paper toward me, her handwriting delicately scribbled at the bottom. "You don't have to set up an appointment with him if you don't want to. But you should have this in case you change your mind."

"I won't," I say, taking the paper anyway. Just to ease her mind.

She nods, leaning back in her chair. Her stare flicks toward the clock and mine's quick to follow. Only a few minutes left. I can do this.

"Can you tell me why you're against going to see someone else about this?" she asks.

I drop my stare from hers, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. "I don't know, I just… don't really see the point in it."

"The point is to help you. To make the nightmares stop," Penelope says.

I let out a breath, shifting my gaze around her office. "Yeah, but these'll go away on their own so…"

"So you'd rather wait it out?" she asks, letting out a soft breath when I nod. "Alright, well… like I said, I can't force you to go see anyone. But I do strongly suggest you think about it, alright?"

I nod, standing from the couch when she does. "Yeah, I will."

Penelope gives me a look like she calls bullshit but she nods toward the door. "Come on, I'll walk you up to the front."

As I leave her office, I feel half-finished. Like I've got more to say but it doesn't matter. The words wouldn't come to me even if I begged. So I close my hand tighter around her stupid referral paper and I leave.

Alex is in the waiting room and he gets up when I come out. He puts his phone into his jacket pocket and waits while I put my jacket on.

"Good to go?" he asks, looking past me at Penelope. I don't get to see the look she gives him but judging by the frown on his face, it's not a good look.

I step past Alex and make it to the door first. The cold air hits me full blast and I drag in a breath that hurts. The freezing temperature stabs at my lungs but it helps me focus. It pulls my mind far away from this paper burning a hole in the pocket of my jeans.

Alex follows me out of the therapist's building. He's frowning as he comes closer to the car. He's gonna want to talk – I recognize the look on his face. But like hell am I standing in the freezing weather while we do this.

I get in the passenger seat as soon as he unlocks the car. My hands are trembling and I think it's equal parts the cold and all this damn uncertainty racing through me. If seeing a doctor will make this all go away, why the fuck am I dragging my feet?

Alex gets in next to me and shuts his door. He only stops to turn the heat on before he turns to me. And something bubbles up inside me then, akin to acid and it burns just as bad. I can't keep it in.

"I don't care what she told you – I'm not doing it." I practically spit the words at him but I have to get them out of me. They'll burn forever if I don't speak.

He exhales. "You don't want to even give it a shot?"

"No."

"Why not?" he pushes, angling his body toward me. "What's so wrong with it?"

I push my hands through my hair, willing them to stop shaking. "There's nothing wrong with it. It's just not for me."

"It could help you."

"I don't give a fuck."

My face is hot and the breath I drag in is shaky. I don't want to talk about this now. Or ever. If I don't want to see someone about it, it's my fucking choice.

"Dash, you can't live like this forever." Alex's voice is soft on the words but it feels like he screamed them. And part of me wishes he would. If he was screaming – if he was demanding that I go see someone, then I could run. I could get out of his car and not look back. I don't know why I'm so quick to run. All I know is that I really fucking want to.

I shake my head, words not coming to me but it's nothing new.

"You're waking up almost every night now. And not even sleeping in the room with me and Kendra is helping."

He waits for me to say something but I don't have words. He should know that by now. I'm good for nothing and fucking shit with words. No doctor can fix that. Besides – this whole damn thing is temporary anyway. This isn't the only problem I'm gonna have. If this is too much for Alex to deal with, then… then he's better off kicking me out now.

"You can't go on like this," he stresses.

"Says who?"

"Pretty much everyone. Look, what's the harm in just seeing what a doctor suggests? It might even-"

"I'm not fucking going. And you can't make me," I spit, finally meeting his gaze.

He watches me in silence, his stare never leaving mine. And I can feel the anxiety and shakiness in my chest but I refuse to give in. This isn't up for fucking debate.

"You're barely sleeping now," he says softly, letting out a breath when I shrug. "You think I don't know when you're awake at night but I do. And the bags under your eyes pretty much betray how bad your sleep is lately. Not to mention-"

"Stop," I snap, grabbing the door handle. I can't sit here and listen to this. No one can make me go anywhere or do anything.

Alex hits the lock button before I can pull on the door handle. "Don't run away again."

"Why? It's not like it fucking matters." I'm losing it now, my hands shaking and my breath coming in gasps. I'm seconds away from hysteria and Alex is seeing it all. He's watching this motherfucking breakdown and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

"Dash, I know that things have been really bad lately but… it gets better, okay? Trust me, your life isn't always going to be this way."

"Oh grow the fuck up. You honestly believe that bullshit?" I hate myself for the things I'm spitting at him. He doesn't deserve these harsh words. He's done everything for me and I'm just throwing it back in his face because it's easy. And I'm so fucking sick of things being hard.

He lets out a breath slowly. "Yes, I believe it. You're going to get through this. And I'll be with you every step of the way."

Panic wedges itself into every breath I drag in. Every exhale that shakes. Every second that lasts too long and every tremble of my hands. I'm losing it. I'm fucking losing it.

"What are you so afraid of?" Alex asks softly, leaning closer to me - closing some of that distance that keeps me safe. Keeps him safe. Doesn't let all my wounds bleed all over him.

I can't help but shrink away from him. This panic won't let me get too close to anybody. It'll tear my heart from my chest before it'll let me speak this pain. And even if I wasn't fighting my own fucking mind just to speak – it's not like I have any words to say.

"Is it your dad?" he asks and I'm quick to shake my head. He makes a soft noise in the back of his throat before he tries again. "Your mom?"

It's not my parents. It's not even the fucking doctor. It's me. Something's wrong inside my head and I don't want anyone to know. And what if there's no fixing this? What if I give in and I go and they just tell me I'm broken? I already know that. I know I'm fucked up and pieces of me are missing. I don't need someone with a degree to see all the cracks in my skin.

"Does medical stuff scare you? Like is it a phobia?"

"No, Alex," I breathe out, everything in me shaking.

"Then what is it?"

I shift my gaze out the window, slowly exhaling through my nose. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does. If you-"

"I'm not going to a doctor," I say, turning back to look at him. I try to force this pseudo calm through my veins but I'm not sure that it does much good. Panic still races through me like my own damn blood. "So… whatever argument you've got planned just forget it. Cause I'm not going."

Alex mutters something under his breath, partially in Spanish, but I catch the word stubborn. He's one to talk. He's always trying to get me to back down from whatever the fuck I want but if I do it to him, somehow I'm stubborn?

"Whatever."

I turn back to the window, buckling my seat-belt with one hand. I need to go to the garage this weekend – fix the parts of my car Dad fucked up. As soon as I'm back to driving myself places, this bullshit won't happen anymore.

Alex puts his own seat-belt on before he backs out of the parking space. I watch the world slowly move by as he leaves the parking lot. I wish things didn't have to end like this. I wish every time we talked, it didn't have to end with some kind of explosion.

It's starting to feel like when I'm with Dad. Every little thing causes an argument. I don't want it to be that way with Alex. And I really don't want to go to a fucking doctor about these nightmares. They'll pass on their own – I just gotta wait it out. And… it'd be completely different if I even fucking deserved to get some kind of help. But I don't. They're not bad enough to warrant seeing a fucking doctor. So I'll wait them out. And anyone who has other plans will have to get used to disappointment.


A/N:

Merry Christmas, here's some angst ;P

Yooo! It's been approximately 35400 years since I updated this… I'm a senior citizen now lmao – sorry for the long wait. I had to take my time getting this update up to snuff and I didn't want to rush it

Despite the trouble this chapter gave me, I'm really happy with the finished result. I mean, sure, it could be a little tidier and definitely more concise – but it's a decent chapter and for now, I'm happy with that

I'm really excited to be in this part of the story. Where Howard's not directly interacting with Dash but you can still see the hold he has over him

Aaaand speaking of – please tell me what you think of the whole nightmare situation – I'm dying to talk to someone else about this. It's just… our boy's all grown up and dealing with emotional trauma!

Oh and I'd love to know what you thought of Blake's defaced locker. And his hoodie/shirt combo lmao your kudos will be the flowers on his grave when his parents absolutely END him

The title of this chapter comes from The Way I Am by Gavin Haley – you guys. It's so fucking Dash, you're gonna die when you hear it

Next chapter you can expect to find out what Dash chooses – if he goes to see his Dad at the hospital or if he stays far away – cast your bets now. What is our loveable, banged up quarterback going to choose?

Also in next chapter, you can see a heaping, helping of angst – it's delicious – as well as some adorably tender moments – you're gonna love 'em

Thanks for hanging on with this story. I promise one day you'll see the ending, I won't abandon it – you all deserve to see this end the way it's supposed to. And even though I say this every update, I really do mean it – this story is what it is because of you. Because your encouraging comments and kudos have kept me writing and kept me wanting to write on it. So… thank you for that. There's truly no way for me to express how grateful I am for all of you

See you next update!