The closer we get to Amity Park, the more I can see mom starting to revert back to the person I've known my whole life. The lines on her forehead come back. She won't stop biting down on her lip and catching her breath with every passing moment.
Worry seeps into her tone with every word she speaks and I know the feelings coursing through her. They're the same ones that keep me up at night, panicking even though nothing has happened to me. Because the fear of something happening is enough to choke me. Enough to wake me in a cold sweat and chill me to the bone.
Every red light she pulls up to gives her another chance to look over her shoulder and she flinches every time we pass a cop car. I want to tell her that nothing's gonna happen to her but I don't think it'd seem as sincere with the bruises still littering my face.
Mom pulls up outside of Kwan's house and after glancing around the neighborhood, she cuts off the lights with a sigh, seeming to relax a little. I wonder if she expects dad to be waiting around for her to show up and if she thinks that soon this will all be over. That after everything's sorted out with her attorney, she'll be safe. She's fucking kidding herself if she thinks dad will stay away just because of whatever a judge decides to say about this.
In the beginning, dad used to talk about her all the time – constantly looking for a way to find her. But sometime in the spring, he just stopped. He quit talking about her, stopped talking about wanting to find her… just stopped everything. About the same time he gave up, I realized she was never coming back for me and it didn't take me long until I was in the backseat of Valerie's car, fucking sobbing cause it finally hit me. She didn't just leave dad. She left me.
"Thanks for the ride back, hell of a lot faster than the bus," I say, trying to force a smile on my face when mom looks at me but I can't. I close my hand around the door handle but mom's hesitating and I can tell that she wants to say something before I leave.
For a few seconds, she just holds my gaze before she nods, looking away from me and down at the steering wheel instead. She runs her fingers along the edge of the wheel, letting out a soft breath. "Just… promise me you'll think about what we talked about? About… meeting with my attorney?" she asks, glancing at me.
I don't want to talk to anyone about this shit with dad. It's always felt like one of those things mom and I would just bury and only talk about in the dead of night but I guess this is her way of burying it. By trying to put up some legal shit that dad can't get past. I don't know why she thinks a piece of paper is gonna save her. I can't make a decision like this. Not while I'm still choking over everything Coach told me. I expected mom to get angry when I told her that college is an option for me now but she barely reacted at all. And I don't know what the fuck to do about it.
Mom lets out a quiet breath, looking away from me again. I don't want to give in and I still need a lot of time to think this shit over but I hate leaving her like this. Even though she left me with him, she's still my mom. She's still the one who bandaged what she could and helped nurse me through what she couldn't. She's the one who tucked me in bed at night and sat up with me when I couldn't stop shaking. She's my mom.
I put my hand on her arm and wait until she looks back at me. Words aren't coming to me but I force out what I can. "I'll think about it," I say, giving her a nod despite the way my gut is clenching. She smiles widely and suddenly pulls me into a hug.
I don't know what I expected her to do but this feels weird. It's different than the hug she gave me when I told her about the scholarship. It feels like it's been forever since she hugged me like this. Despite the fact that she left me and the doubts crowding my head about her, she feels like mom again. And I give myself a few minutes to melt into her touch and pretend she never left me at all.
Mom pulls away from Kwan's driveway and I stand outside, watching the taillights of her Audi disappear down the street. A shiver runs through me and I give a final glance at the empty street before I turn back to his house, mentally preparing myself for what's on the inside. I knock on the door a couple of times but no one answers. His car is parked next to mine from when I left it here last night but his mom's car isn't here. Which means that he's in there alone.
Since he's not answering, I find the spare key he gave me when I started working at Alex's and use it to get inside. I haven't had to use this key in forever and it's usually the middle of summer when I do but it's necessary tonight.
I know Kwan can hear the door open from his bedroom but I call his name up the stairs anyway, already knowing that he's there. When he doesn't respond, I kick my shoes off, pushing the door closed behind me, and start up the stairs. He might not want to see anyone right now and I'll sit outside his door if that's what he wants me to do. But I'm sure as hell not leaving him alone.
Kwan's on his bed, the covers wrapped around him, and he barely moves when I open the door. He's stacked pillows behind him and is leaning against the headboard of his bed, staring blankly at the television. He looks up when I close the door behind me but his stare is unfocused. Like he's looking right through me instead.
I cross the room to him and he sticks a hand out of the covers to mute the television. He swipes his hand down his face with a quiet sniffle and I can see how swollen and red his face is from crying. He leans back into his pillows as I sit next to him and he keeps his gaze trained down. He lets go of the remote before he pulls his hand under the covers again with another sniffle before he looks up at me. I can tell he's trying to put up a brave front but the sadness is welling up in his eyes again and I hate the way tears look on my best friend.
Even though my hand shakes, I lean forward to touch his cheek, brushing away a tear when it escapes his eye and tumbles down his cheek. He closes his eyes at my touch with a small exhale and he turns his head toward me before dropping his cheek against his pillow. Kwan lets out a soft breath, his eyes fluttering open as he stares up at me.
There are no words to say to heal the pain he's feeling right now and I settle for gently brushing the hair away from his forehead as we settle into the silence. His stare drifts around the room for a long time, occasionally looking up at me, before his eyes fall closed again every time.
I keep one hand on him at all times – brushing his hair back from his forehead, catching his tears, running my hand down his shoulder whenever he starts to tremble. I'm not good with words but I'm good with this. At least I think I am.
Kwan draws in a staggered breath, the sound shooting straight through me, and he shatters the silence we had settled into. His voice is shaky but somehow, he finds a way to speak that's a hell of a lot stronger than he looks.
"I-I was with him last night… w-we were… together… a-and afterwards, I went home. A-And once I was gone… he invited someone else over." Kwan squeezes his eyes closed tighter, the pain visible in his expression, before he opens his eyes again to look up at me. He sniffles quietly, the pain on his face like some twisted piece of art. "Wh-What do I do, Dash?"
My first instinct is to key Jared's car. Find some way to make him regret ever fucking with my best friend's heart but I don't think that's gonna help Kwan right now. The look in his eyes is so sad and I don't think revenge is on his mind at all. Even if all I can think about is painting Jared's face a nice shade of purple.
"He doesn't deserve you," I say, catching another tear that's started to fall down his cheek. Kwan lets out a shaky breath and snuggles down underneath the covers, drawing them up to his chin. I put my hand on his under the covers and squeeze gently. "It's okay… you didn't… do anything wrong. I don't know how he could do that to someone like you."
I squeeze his hand again and a soft smile tugs at Kwan's face. I'm quick to return it, glad that for once – my words are actually helping someone.
"Yeah, he's an asshole. Doesn't realize yet what he just threw away but he'll kick himself when he does. And if he doesn't realize it soon enough, I'll kick him instead," I say, unable to stop the grin on my face when Kwan laughs softly.
He sniffles again, shaking his head. "Thanks for the speech but that's not why I laughed." He gives me a soft smile. "Your hand's on my ass." Kwan laughs again when I pull my hand away and he rolls his eyes. "I asked you over here to make me feel better, not feel me up," he says with a grin.
I can only imagine what my expression is but my cheeks feel like they're on fire. "Sh-Shut up!" I say, looking away from him. He laughs a couple more times before he falls silent again and I know he's getting lost in his own head. I know what that feels like and how dangerous it is to be left alone to only my thoughts.
"Move over," I say, being careful of my hand placement as I push him over on the mattress. After a second or two of resistance, Kwan gives in and scoots over, opening up the covers to give me some. I crawl in next to him and swipe the remote.
The television's playing some romantic chick-flick and while normally, that's Kwan's go-to, I know it's definitely not what he needs to see right now. I switch channels a couple of times until I end up on MTV, watching some werewolf chasing a girl in high heels.
I cross my arms and settle back against Kwan's headboard. He keeps his gaze on the TV and for a few minutes neither one of us moves. But he sniffles again and shifts a little until he's resting his head against my shoulder. If it were anyone else, I probably wouldn't give them the opportunity to lay on me this way cause it's likely that my shoulder's gonna fall asleep, but it's Kwan. And he's hurting. Which gives him a free pass to do just about anything.
Words and I still don't get along but I huff out a sigh, turning the volume up on the television just in case his mom comes home, before I speak. "Let it out."
Kwan curls a hand around the fabric of my t-shirt and turns his head until his face is buried in my chest. He lets out a sob that I wasn't prepared for but I wrap my other arm around his shoulders, smoothing his hair down as he cries into my chest. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with Jared or why he'd leave my best friend in pieces like this but I know that no matter how long it takes, I'll hold him together. We both know he's done it enough times for me. But for his sake, I wish that I wasn't returning that favor.
Around nine, Kwan's mom knocks on his bedroom door before she steps inside. The bright smile on her face quickly fades when she sees her son asleep on my chest. She gives me a funny look as she steps further inside and raises her eyebrow in a silent question. I whisper, "It's a long story," in response and she draws her eyebrows down again, taking half a step closer to the bed.
She hesitates for a second or two but seems to trust my judgement and leaves me with Kwan. I keep the television low for a long time so Kwan can keep sleeping but out of sheer boredom at yet another vampire movie playing, I pull out my phone just after midnight. It takes me a couple of minutes of reading other people's text messages before I finally convince myself to look over Danny's.
From: Danny
I can't believe it's November O.O
Check snapchat and tell me what you think of my amazing costume ;p
or maybe not
Sorry, I didn't think about that
:T hopefully you aren't talking to me cause you're busy and not cause you're upset?
Snapchat says you haven't seen it yet soooo I'm guessing you're busy
The last text was sent about five hours ago and I exit out of his texts to check out his Snapchat instead. His is the only message I haven't looked at and I suck in a breath as his face loads on my screen. The picture looks like it was taken from a downward angle and the noise I let out is fucking sinful. In the photo, he's giving the camera a smirk that has my mind running with things I have no right to be thinking of and he's gesturing down at the outfit he's got on, the officer costume he donned last night. The caption reads, "If being sexy was a crime, I'd be under arrest ;p" and I don't think he realizes how fucking right he is.
With a blush creeping up my cheeks, I screenshot his photo before it can disappear forever, pretty fucking sure that my heart is gonna leap out of my chest just looking at it. God, I'm so glad Kwan taught me to screenshot images before they could disappear the first time I downloaded this stupid app.
"No wonder you like him," Kwan says suddenly, making my heart jump into my throat. He moves from my chest to give me a grin and I can barely muster up a glare to return with. He laughs, moving back to his pillows and rolling over onto his back. "What? I'm not allowed to notice that your crush is cute?"
I roll my eyes, ignoring the blush I can still feel on my face as I close snapchat and open up Danny's texts instead. I try to distract myself by typing out my response but I can feel Kwan looking at me in the silence.
"What?" I finally ask, trying to come off like I don't give a shit and attempting to punctuate the feeling with a glare. Kwan sees right through it and his grin widens.
"You're so adorable with this, you know," he says, rolling over to face me. He nods toward my phone even though the picture's gone. "If he'd seen you last night, I'm sure he'd be reacting the same way. You guys woulda made the cutest couple."
I look away from Kwan probably faster than what's necessary and he picks up on it, his silence a question that doesn't need words. I want to tell him about seeing Danny last night and flirting with him easily cause he didn't know it was me but I don't know if it's the right time. Kwan just found his boyfriend cheating on him… I doubt he wants to hear about me and my feelings.
Kwan pokes me in the side with his index finger, his eyebrows drawn down when I look back at him. "What is it?"
Now's probably not the time and I don't want to be selfish but he's asking and I want to tell someone and… maybe it'll help distract my best friend from the shit that's in his head right now. At least, that's what I tell myself in order to justify my selfish need to tell him about the way my heart is bursting over this boy.
"D-Danny was at the club last night," I say, my voice shaky as I speak. "I-I ran into him before I found you a-and… god, he was… so…" I can't bring myself to say the words in my head but I think Kwan picks up on it by the grin he's giving me.
"Cute?" he asks, his smile widening when I sheepishly nod. "If that picture is anything to go by, I'll bet he was even hotter in person." He stretches his arms over his head, groaning softly with the movement. "What'd he say about your costume?"
I let out a breath, dropping my phone against my chest. There's no point in bothering with a response to Danny right now. I can't focus with these thoughts running through my head and Kwan sitting beside me, eager to tease me at every chance.
"Th-That's the thing, he… didn't realize it was me," I say, my voice more like a whisper.
Kwan raises his eyebrows and props his elbow up, resting his head in his hand. "Wait… so you guys talked last night? And you knew who you were talking to but he didn't recognize you?" His grin appears again when I nod and he lets out a laugh. "Okay, I'm following. What happened?"
"I-I think I flirted with him?" I say more like a question and Kwan laughs again, rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. "Shut up!"
"Oh, Dash, you're killing me," he says, unable to stop grinning as he stares up at his ceiling. "So what then? Did you tell him it was you?" He steals a look at my face and judges from my expression. "I'm guessing that's a no. What did you say?"
There's no way in hell I'm gonna attempt to recall the conversation I had with Danny just so Kwan can have more things to tease me about. He'd be way too happy to hear some of the lame flirting I did. I slide down on the mattress until I'm lying next to him and I cover my face with my arm, attempting to hide the blush from him.
"It couldn't have ended that badly," Kwan says, nudging his shoulder against mine.
I respond with a groan before I say it, the sound muffled against my arm. "He said he's with someone else." I've been so distracted today by mom and helping Kwan feel better the past few hours, I haven't really given myself the time to process last night's interaction with Danny. But now that I'm lying here, with nothing to crowd up my head, he's all I can think about.
"Ouch," Kwan says suddenly, perfectly stating what I feel.
The fact that Danny's with someone is like a knife to the gut but that's not all. "Y-Yeah, I saw him leaving the club with some guy and… God, is it even right for me to be this jealous?" I mumble against my arm, knowing that Kwan's the only one I can have this conversation with.
He lets out a breath and I can feel his eyes on me but I won't look back at him. Not with the blush I can still feel on my face. That'd give him too much ammunition.
"I don't think there's anything wrong with being jealous, Dash. You want him to be with you. It's only natural to be disappointed that he's with… someone else," Kwan says, his voice soft again and without that teasing note to it.
I lift my arm to look at him and his eyes are downcast. I'm guessing he's thinking about Jared again and I wrack my brains for something else I can talk about that'll distract him. I almost start telling him about that guy clocking me in the face but I slept with his girlfriend so I can't really blame him… and that wouldn't be the best story to distract Kwan with.
"I almost kissed the bartender last night."
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I can't believe I've said them. They hang in the air between us and Kwan slowly looks up at me, his eyebrows high on his forehead.
The blush that had disappeared from my face quickly returns and I can't hold Kwan's stare, fidgeting nervously under his gaze. I don't know why I decided to tell Kwan this, it just sort of came out of my mouth before I could think it through.
"Are you serious?" Kwan asks, putting his hand on my arm. I chance a look up at him and his eyebrows are drawn down again as he stares back at me. He looks more concerned than he needs to be and I shrug one shoulder. "How… did that happen?"
I run Kwan through the whole thing, telling him about how I was bummed after seeing Danny leave with that guy and how I started draining shots. I skip over a few of the details with Gregor but I mention the part about my heart pounding and how I wanted to know what his lips felt like but I couldn't bring myself to kiss him when I wanted Danny instead.
Kwan's quiet for a few minutes after I finish and the silence that ticks around us is so much louder than before. I can hear every breath we both take and I finally look up at him with a shrug.
"So, y-yeah," I mumble, not sure what else to say. I drop my stare immediately and Kwan tightens his hold on my arm.
"Are you… still curious?" Kwan asks, meeting my gaze when I look up at him again. The expression on his face is some sort of cross between want and hesitation and if kissing my best friend would make him feel better about what Jared did, I'd throw my own selfish desires to the side and kiss him. But I don't think it's gonna help and I really don't want my first kiss with a guy to be with Kwan.
I shrug and he drops his gaze from me. "I don't think that's the best idea, Kwan," I say and he nods immediately, he probably realized it before I turned him down.
"Y-Yeah, you're right," he says, letting out a breath.
It's quiet between us again so I turn the television back on and let some horrible music videos take both of us far away from what we're thinking about. Him wanting someone to make him forget and me doing what I've become accustomed to. Wanting Danny.
In the morning, Kwan tells his mom what happened and if anyone could be angrier than I've been feeling since Kwan called me, it's his mom. She's almost shaking as she makes breakfast for the three of us, occasionally spewing out the swears I held back last night.
While Kwan tries to convince her that he doesn't need her to stay with him and to please just go to work, I tell Kwan I'm sticking around and she seems to relax after that. I wash the dishes while he takes a shower and I leave him parked on the couch in front of the TV while I head upstairs to take a shower myself. I stop in his room to grab the clothes he's laid out for me on his bed along with my phone before I step into the bathroom.
My phone's still on the unwritten text to Danny and I type out a response before I set it on the counter and step under the shower spray. Everything feels better in the warmth of a shower and I let myself relax into it, all the pent-up energy over the past few days easing out of me.
I feel like everything has happened all at once and I'm having trouble processing all of it. I almost kissed a guy, I flirted with Danny only to learn he's with someone, saw my mom again, and found out that Kwan's boyfriend cheated on him… all within two days. Shit, I need a break from this weekend. I almost want to skip school tomorrow so I don't have to see anyone.
A response from Danny lights up my screen as I'm toweling off and I pull on a pair of boxers and jeans before I pick my phone up, one-handedly drying my hair as I look over the texts he's sent back in response to mine.
To: Danny
Sorry, yesterday was kind of insane
From: Danny
No problem! I was just worried you were upset cause you saw my snapchat
Good to know you're not though
I have no idea why he thinks I'd be upset over the snapchat he sent me – especially cause he looks really fucking good in it – so I send back a couple of question marks before pulling my shirt on and leaving the bathroom.
Kwan's on the couch, some shitty soap opera on and I steal the remote as I settle down in the cushions. He glances toward me but doesn't object when I change the channel. I flip through a couple of different programs until my phone vibrates with a text from Danny.
I leave the channel playing some cartoon and I put the remote on the cushion next to Kwan, trusting him not to switch back to the soap opera. I open Danny's text, looking at Kwan from the corner of my eye before I'm focused on my phone's screen.
From: Danny
Um… okay call me paranoid but I kinda figured, your dad's a cop… and I don't know, I just thought that it might upset you?
I don't know what I was expecting but it definitely wasn't that. So my dad's a cop, what does it matter if someone dresses up like an officer? What the hell do I care? Unless… he's asking cause now he knows about the shit my dad does.
To: Danny
Doesn't bother me at all. It's a uniform, Danny. It's not who he is or what he does. It's fine.
Even though I hesitate a fuckton, I hit the send button and watch it appear on my screen. I don't know why but seeing Danny be careful around me cause he knows about my dad now feels… kind of nice. I don't know if 'good' is the right word to describe it but it doesn't feel awful. It's nice to know he cares about the way I feel.
"Hey, Dash?" Kwan asks and I click my phone off, instantly looking at him. He gives me a smirk and I already expect his words before he says them. "Anyone ever tell you how adorable you are with a blush?"
I'm pretty sure he totally deserves the pillow I chuck at his face.
Kwan doesn't ask me to but I spend all day at his place and without really asking, I know the invitation to stay the night has been extended. We're in his bedroom before 10, probably to avoid his mom more than anything cause neither of us are that tired. It takes him a good hour or so of talking about meaningless shit but he eventually asks about mom. I don't want to bring him down but I end up telling him almost the whole fucked-up story. I leave out what Coach told me and about her being settled in Dryden. I mainly focus on the part about her attorney and Kwan thinks it's a shitty thing for her to ask of me.
I change the conversation after a while because I can't think about mom anymore and we talk until we both drop off to sleep around midnight. Thankfully at the last minute, I remembered to turn off my early alarm so when it goes off in the morning, it's almost seven instead of five. God, I can't even imagine how exhausted I'd be if I'd gotten up for the first alarm.
I roll over in bed to look at Kwan, who's still asleep, one arm dangling off his mattress. There's still fifteen minutes before we actually have to get up so I let Kwan continue sleeping and I browse Facebook for a while before I end up staring at the snapchat I saved of Danny the other night.
There's no denying how cute he looks in that outfit and if I'd only seen it through this photo, it probably wouldn't have ruined me as much as it has. But seeing it in person was an entirely different feeling and I can still picture the way it clung to his skin and the smile he gave me as I did my best to flirt with him.
My mind isn't exactly going places it should be so I leave the warmth of the bed and take a shower, borrowing more of Kwan's clothes. It doesn't take me long in the shower, and when I get out, Kwan's awake, sitting up in bed and watching some news report on the television. I give him a smile when he glances toward me and he returns it instantly which eases the tension in my gut. He looks a little happier today and I want to believe it but… I can't help but wonder if maybe he's just taken pointers from me about masking the pain.
"Hey," he says softly, clicking the TV off. He gets up from the bed and gathers his clothes, tossing me a glance over his shoulder. "I really wish we didn't have to go to school today, yesterday was fun. I like it when we just… hang out, y'know?"
We mainly spent yesterday watching movies and playing games on his X-box. But to be honest, I had fun, too. Especially knowing that if I wasn't there, he would probably have been lying in his bed the whole weekend.
"Yeah, it was. I should stay with you for a couple days over winter break," I say, grabbing my phone from the mattress. There are no waiting text messages on my phone and I find myself the most disappointed at the lack of one from Danny.
Kwan softly hums his approval as he picks out his clothes and I carefully watch him as he moves. I fold the blankets he gave me to sleep under and he stands in front of his closet, looking at what he has hanging up but not taking anything. I watch him for a minute or two longer before I let the air mattress start to deflate. I try to think of something to say in the silence, some way to ask him if he's okay, but there's no way to put it delicately. So I do my own way of asking if he needs me.
"You want me to hang around here until you're ready to go? Or would you rather me wait for you in the parking lot with coffee?" I ask, grinning when he gives me a look.
He slides his closet door closed and returns my grin. "Do you even have to ask? I want the holiday drink if it's out already. A caramel latte if it's not," he says, rolling his eyes at the expression on my face. "Shut up, it's November. You can't shit on my parade for looking forward to the holidays already. Now, go and get me my drink. I'll see you at school."
"You cheated again!" Jeff yells at Keith as soon as he loses yet another round of rock, paper, scissors. What they're warring over, I don't know. I've been scrolling through my phone while they battle it out over something I probably missed.
Keith is grinning widely and Jeff is trying to convince him to make it best six out of ten. Star's laughing and poking fun of Jeff and I'm staring at the front steps to the school. Cause Danny's coming out of the school and it makes my heart race. What's he doing here already?
Danny's frowning down at his phone as he walks from the bottom of the stairs and further into the parking lot. One look up has him noticing me and he shoves his phone into his pocket, heading my way instead.
I slide over on the trunk of my car, offering the space to him without words. He drops his backpack at my feet and collapses beside me, jerking his hand through his hair with an irritated sigh. Everything about him screams tension and I know I shouldn't push it but I can't stand to see him this way.
"You were here early?" I ask, watching him from the corner of my eye. His throat bobs as he swallows hard and he offers only a single nod before he looks away from me. He's quiet as his gaze lingers on the school building and a million questions run through my mind in the quiet. Everything I need to ask him, everything I need to know is on the tip of my tongue but… my curiosity is not what's important. He's important.
I pride myself in the subtlety I manage to master when I scoot close enough to him to brush my hand against his. And though I'm gentle with my touch, he pulls his hand from mine instantly. He doesn't look back at me but with how hard he's biting down into his bottom lip and how quickly he's blinking, I know he's trying to hold back the floodgates of something I'll never understand.
"I'm not… gonna ask you if you're okay. C-Cause I don't think that's what you want," I say, swallowing hard when he gives me another nod. "And I'm guessing you don't want to talk about it. But… is there anything I can do?"
Danny shakes his head, letting out a breath that trembles far too much for me to pretend that it doesn't affect me. His shaky exhale rattles through me like I'm the one that's trembling. Like I'm the one that needs comforting words and soft touches.
"My parents and I are kind of in a fight," he says softly, his voice barely above a whisper with the few words he manages to speak. His eyes fall closed as he shakes his head. "I went out last night. And they…" he trails off with another sigh, this one sounding like it's coming from his very soul.
There's nothing for me to say and I know better than to push him so I stay silent, watching him as he tries to work out what it is he wants to say. Several expressions pass over his face, each one more concerning than the last, but the one he settles on has a shiver running through me.
"They don't understand me, Dash. And the worst part is… I know how stupid I sound."
I almost reach out to touch him – so he'll know my words are sincere – but I stop myself just before I start to speak. "I don't think that you're stupid, Danny." My voice wavers on the few words I do manage to say and I'm left with this feeling of not enough stirring inside my chest.
He exhales, opening his eyes to stare down at the ground. "No, Dash. What I mean is… no one's parents understand them. And some parents…" he trails off again, glancing up at me with a grimace on his face. "I have it easy," he practically spits through gritted teeth.
I hear the unspoken "compared to you" in the look he gives me. In the way his gaze is steady despite the flush high on his cheeks. In the way his hesitation creeps back in the longer I leave us in silence. I don't know how to say what he needs to hear and the things I'm burning to say at the same time. I don't know how to make what I want and what he needs the same thing.
"Please don't compare your parents to mine," slips out before I can stop myself.
Danny's biting into his bottom lip when I look up at him and I realize I don't regret the words I couldn't stop. Because if he can promise me one thing, this would be enough. I know what it's like to play the comparison game. To lie awake at night, convincing yourself that you have it easy. That you don't have the right to suffer just because of a few bruises. I hate playing that game and I hate that Danny knows how to play it too.
"It's different with me," I mumble, unable to hold his gaze despite the way he stares at me earnestly. It is different for me. Everything about it is different. His parents might not understand him but that doesn't mean the way that he feels is somehow less because my dad likes to use me as a punching bag. No one can help the way that they feel. Danny's pain is still valid even if his parents don't leave physical marks on him.
I angle myself toward him more and after a few seconds of hesitation, I manage to meet his gaze. "It's not… fair to say that… your suffering doesn't matter because… because someone else suffers too," I say, watching Danny's chest rise and fall as he stares at me, that flush darkening on his cheeks. "I don't want you… thinking that you don't have a right to the way that you feel just because I'm… because I'm…"
Danny lets his lip go from his teeth and exhales out a breath that shakes. I can feel his gaze on me but I can't meet his stare. I want to reach across the distance between us, hold him in my arms, and tell him everything's gonna be okay. Because he deserves to hear it. He deserves to have someone believe in him and for the rest of my life, that someone will be me.
"No one can tell you how to feel pain," I say, managing to find a shred of bravery within my exhausted soul and I use it to look up at him. To meet his gaze. To show him that I mean every word I say even if I can't believe it about myself.
He's the one to look away from me and I almost breathe a sigh of relief. I want to ask him about it – or tell him that his parents are clearly wrong for ever making him feel this way – but I don't get the chance to.
Kwan's car is pulling up a couple aisles over from where I am and I shift my gaze across the parking lot to watch him. He circles the parking lot once before he pulls his car into the space next to mine and parks. I can see him checking over his reflection in the mirror and I'm reminded that Danny isn't the only one I care about that's hurting today.
I spare another glance at Danny and he's looking Kwan's way curiously as my best friend gets out of his car. Kwan shuffles over to me and immediately sticks his hand out for his coffee. I oblige, handing over the cup to him.
"Just so you know, the barista looked at me like I was a freak when I asked if the holiday drink was in yet. So, caramel latte for you," I say, watching as Kwan rolls his eyes.
He sees Danny and for a split second my heart jumps as my best friend smirks behind his coffee cup, giving me a subtle glance. I don't know if the feeling sparking to life inside of me right now has anything to do with the way I feel for him or if it's simply because of our conversation that we didn't get to finish but… I recognize the look on Kwan's face as teasing. He takes a slow sip of coffee before he looks at Danny, the expression on his face back to neutral. Or… as neutral as he can get.
"Hey, how's it going?" Kwan asks, sweeping his gaze out to the parking lot to make it a little less obvious that he's talking directly to Danny. Kwan's my best friend so he knows I'd kill him if he says anything to our teammates but I trust him not to. Well… mostly.
Danny gives him a smile when Kwan looks back at him and slides off the hood of my car. He asks Kwan a question about their algebra homework and the two of them start in on a conversation that goes right over my head. I sip from my coffee cup in silence and Paulina calls my name softly, quickly taking the space Danny was just occupying. She gives me a smile that's easier for me to return than I thought it would be.
"You look like hell," she says with a laugh and I can't help but laugh too. It's true, I look like shit. Though the bruises are mostly fading, a lot of them are that sickly green color.
Jeff leans against the side of my car, apparently having given up on beating Keith in their game, and gives me a concerned look. "You… okay, man?" he asks. He's never really been one to worry about people but I guess learning about my dad kinda changed the way he sees me. Which is probably normal but I don't like being treated any different. So dad knocks me around sometimes, so what?
"Okay enough to do this." I set my cup on my car, sliding off the hood to grab Jeff in a headlock. He struggles against my grip before he resorts to pounding his fists against my arm, laughing hysterically as I keep my hold on him. He tries to get away from me but I'm a hell of a lot stronger than he is so I decide to be nice and let up.
He staggers backward a step, glaring at me as he straightens his shirt. The glare loses something with the grin tugging at his face and he shakes his head, looking away from me. "You fucking asshole."
I laugh at the expression on his face, feeling a million times lighter than I should. I'm still bruised from the last time dad worked me over, the boy I've fallen for has someone else that holds him, and along with my best friend, he's going through some really tough shit. But I feel better than I have in months and I gulp down my coffee again, sticking my tongue out at Jeff in between mouthfuls of delicious caffeine.
"Dash."
Kwan's suddenly next to me, his hand sliding into mine as he stares out into the parking lot, his eyes wide. His hand is shaking in mine and I try to look where he is. People are moving around the parking lot but I don't see what Kwan sees. I don't see the thing that's got him wrecked, that has his hand so tight in mine, I'm sure he must be breaking my fingers. Just as I start to turn back to Kwan, I catch sight of what's fucking with him.
Across the lot, Jared's looking around the parking lot and Kwan turns away from him, quietly breathing out. "Oh my god."
It takes me a few seconds to react but I'm not letting Jared get close enough to fuck with Kwan's head. "Hey, come on. Let's just go inside," I say, trying to be quiet but Paulina still hears me.
She glances between the two of us before looking where I was and I guess she figures it out cause she gets on Kwan's other side and the three of us start for the door. We're almost at the stairs when Jared notices us and calls out to Kwan, telling him to wait.
Kwan's shaking as he glances over his shoulder and I try to usher him up the stairs but he's frozen. "D-Dash, I can't do this," he whispers, his whole body shaking but he's not moving to get away from this. His stare is fixated on Jared who's spreading his arms out, like he doesn't know what to say, shaking his head as he gets closer to us.
"I'm sorry," Jared says softly and Kwan glances around the parking lot. Aside from our teammates and the cheerleaders, there aren't that many people that are close to us but a lot of people are looking our way, trying to figure out what's going on.
Jared exhales out, running a hand through his hair as he looks away from us. Kwan makes a soft noise behind me and I step in front of him, almost blocking him from view. He's said before that he doesn't care who knows that he's gay but I know my best friend. This isn't exactly the way he wanted to come out.
I glance around the parking lot too, trying to assess how many people will be able to see this go down and how fast the news will spread, when I meet Danny's gaze. He looks from me to Kwan and a sad look passes over his face, almost immediately replaced by determination.
Danny pulls his backpack off and lets it hit the ground, the noise drawing attention to him. He huffs out a breath and starts toward Jared, slamming his palms into the guy's chest when he's close enough.
"Yeah? Well sorry doesn't cut it," Danny says, pushing him backward. "I trusted you. And you betrayed me. J-Just get out of here, alright? No one wants you here."
Jared seems just as confused as Kwan is but it only takes me a split second to realize what the hell Danny's doing. He's trying to make everyone around us believe that Jared's apologizing to him, so the focus is off Kwan. Which is about the most selfless fucking thing I can imagine.
"I don't-"
Danny cuts Jared off by shoving him again and I think I'm the only one who notices the faint green glow around Danny's palms as he lands another hit. "Just get out of here! I don't want you s-so just get lost!" Danny yells, rearing back to slam into Jared's chest again. The glow around his hands is getting brighter and I wonder how long it'll take until he does to Jared what he did to our coffee cups the night he told me he's the phantom.
I leave Kwan where he's standing and grab Danny by the shoulders, carefully pulling him backward. "Danny, it's okay, stop. He's not worth it, stop," I say, turning him around so his back is to the crowd. "Your hands," I mouth and he drops his gaze to his palms, still glowing slightly green.
He makes a face and juts his chin out toward Jared. "I hate you."
Jared gives me a 'what-the-fuck' look and I let go of Danny, taking a step closer to Jared. I drop my voice so only he can hear me and I just barely manage to stop myself from trying to cave his skull in. "Get the fuck out of here. And don't bother Kwan again," I say, watching the way Jared seems to almost flinch under my gaze. He lets out a scoff, stepping back from me with his hands raised.
"Fine, whatever. Shoulda known, never fuck a high school kid. Too needy and stupid and-"
Danny's suddenly in front of me, landing a punch to the guy's face that I would have killed to throw. I just manage to hold Danny back from hitting him again and Jared starts away from us, looking back to glare at the boy in my arms.
After Danny yells after Jared a couple times, he lets out a breath, pushing against my hold and I let him go. He watches Jared for a few seconds before he turns around to face me, giving me a small smile. The crowd slowly starts dispersing, all giving Danny curious looks, and Kwan slowly makes his way over to us, watching Jared go for a few seconds before he looks at Danny.
"You… didn't have to do that…" Kwan breathes out, looking somewhere between hugging Danny and just collapsing on the gravel.
Danny shrugs, stooping down to grab his backpack from the ground. "I didn't want some jerk to ruin your senior year by outing you or anything." He pauses before a grin passes over his face. "Besides, I kind of imagined him as my ex and it made yelling at him kinda fun."
Ex…? At the club, Danny said he was with someone… did they break up after it too, like Kwan and Jared? Or was Danny talking about a different someone when I was flirting with him at the club?
"Everyone's… probably gonna be talking about you now," I say, my eyebrows drawing down as I look at Danny. I sure as hell didn't want Kwan to have to deal with whatever shit our classmates would say about him but I don't want it to happen to Danny either.
Danny shrugs like it doesn't matter. "Wouldn't be the first time." He looks at Kwan, his carefree expression disappearing. "You okay?"
Kwan nods, his gaze dropping to the ground as he shakes his head. "You really didn't have to do that for me… God, I can't imagine what people are gonna say about you… everyone's gonna know that you're… I mean, if you even are…?" he stammers out, not finishing his sentence but I think Danny gets what he's saying.
Danny gives him a funny look, glancing between the two of us before he arches an eyebrow higher. A stuttered laugh leaves him, like he can't believe what we're saying. "Uhh… I don't think anyone's gonna be surprised? Not after Paulina outed me in sophomore year, that was pretty unforgettable."
I look at Kwan at the same time he looks at me and we give each other similar 'what-the-fuck' looks. I don't… remember that at all. I would have heard about it before now, wouldn't I? Or does the student body move on so fast from news that I missed it?
"Wow, okay… Um, apparently it is forgettable." Danny rubs the back of his neck awkwardly and I'm pretty sure my face looks the way Kwan's does. Neither one of us are sure what to say and I really don't want to say the wrong thing right now.
Kwan runs a hand through his hair, exhaling softly. "I don't remember a lot of sophomore year it was… a really weird year for me." He glances my way and I know he's talking about figuring out his sexuality. Even though Danny's fully aware that Kwan's gay, I guess my best friend doesn't want to share the details with anyone but me.
"Y-Yeah, same," I mumble, feeling my face flush as Danny looks toward me. I didn't come to school a lot in sophomore year. Dad was really hard to handle that year and I spent more time in the hospital than I've ever spent in a single year before. But fuck, shouldn't I remember hearing something about this thing with Danny? Even just a whisper in the halls? Or was he so far off my radar back then that hearing something about him didn't faze me the way it does now?
After a second or two of hesitation, Danny shrugs, a smile easily pushing its way back onto his face. "I feel that, sophomore year was really weird. Besides, neither one of you knew me back then so it's not like it would have been a big deal if you'd known when it happened."
Considering the fact that my best friend is gay, if I'd known that my then-girlfriend had outed someone, I think it would have been a huge fucking deal. Even now that we're not together anymore and I have no right to get angry with her over this, I'm still practically shaking just thinking about it. I can't even begin to imagine what that year was like for Danny.
"Anyway, we should probably head inside before we miss the bell," Danny says, giving us both a bright smile that he shouldn't be capable of. If someone had ever told the entire student body about the shit my dad does or even how I was dealing after mom left, I'm pretty sure I would have just fallen apart and never come back to school. But Danny's standing in the parking lot, smiling at me and Kwan like nothing's wrong and I'd give anything to have his strength.
Kwan and I have history class together but I don't see Danny again until the bell rings for lunch. He's hanging around outside the cafeteria doors when Kwan and I head his way. It only takes one glance for Kwan to get what I want and he smiles at Danny before he passes by him and disappears into the cafeteria.
"Hey," Danny says, smiling up at me as I come to a stop. He glances behind him, his brows drawing down as he lets out a soft breath. He chews on his bottom lip as he looks back at me and the sight distracts me from his question. "Is… Kwan okay?"
I glance past Danny to where my best friend is, standing in the lunch line with Keith and Jeff, before I meet Danny's gaze as I shake my head. "No, probably won't be for a while. But he will be, eventually." I don't know how long it'll take Kwan to start feeling better. I have no ballpark figure to go off of cause whenever Paulina and I ended things, there was a lot of drama involved but it never really hurt. I missed her but it was never like I needed to be with her. At least… not like the way I ache for the boy standing in front of me.
Danny nods, glancing away from me for a second or two. He chews on his lip again before he meets my gaze, a smile stretching across his face. "Come on, we should get some food so Jeff can steal more of yours," he jokes, the smile reaching his eyes.
He starts to turn away from me but realizes that I'm not following after him. I really don't want to ask him any questions in front of my friends and I think he can see the hesitance on my face. He watches my expression, apparently waiting for me to do something.
"What's up?" Danny finally asks, leaning back against the doorframe as he holds my gaze. It's impossible for me to keep eye contact with him while my mind is running with all the things I want to do with and to him.
I don't have the words to ask what it is I want to know. What I have no right to know. It's none of my business how this whole shit storm went down with Paulina but it's scratching at me. It's carving out my bones until the constant questions hammering in my brain are enough to make me sick. I have to know. Because he's so fucking important to me and I need to know how deeply my ex-girlfriend hurt him. So I know where to press bandages to his scars and how to tell him that everything will be okay.
"If this has something to do with what I was telling you about this morning… I've sort of come up with a way to fix it. I know how to get my dad on my side at least. My mom's another story but as long as he's in my corner then I can do what I want," he says, his eyebrows drawing down as he watches me. "Unless this is about something else…?"
He falls silent when I nod and I clear my throat twice to distract myself from the flush continuing to creep up my skin. "Um…" I let out a shaky breath, forcing myself to meet his gaze. "Wh-What you said earlier… about Paulina…"
Danny's expression changes a little but he nods and I guess that's his way of letting me know it's okay to continue. Considering I seem to have made a habit of pushing him too far, I take his nod as a good sign.
I rub the back of my neck, trying to come up with the right words to phrase what's in my head. "I-I was wondering what you… Sh-She's just made it seem like… Not that I think you actually did anything, I just… ahh… you know?"
"Dash," Danny says, putting a hand on my arm. He frowns when I look up at him and shakes his head. "I don't know what you're trying to say." He pauses for a second before he pulls his hand back. "Start over."
He holds my gaze as I let out a breath and I feel more awkward asking it while staring into his eyes but I can't tear my gaze away. "I-I was wondering… what happened before she did that to you? From everything she's said about you… sh-she just kind of made it seem like you'd done something horrible to her a-and that's why she was always picking on you."
Danny's gaze leaves mine and his expression hardens a little. "Yeah," he mumbles with a shrug, before giving me a deadpan stare. "We were lab partners in the second semester of sophomore year. I knocked over a beaker and it spilled on her. She kinda freaked at first but she wasn't mad at me. She just kind of panicked." His stare shifts from mine and he lets out a breath. "Three days later, the cheerleading team did a routine during a pep rally and for part of it, they chanted something that told everyone in the room that I'm gay."
Shit. Fuck. That's a hell of a lot worse than I was picturing. God, why would Paulina do that? I can't wrap my head around it or figure out why she would do that to him. It's just so fucked up. Too fucked up to make any kind of sense. What the fuck did she do that for?
I let out a breath that probably sounds less frustrated than I am. Danny tries to shrug it off and act like it's okay but it's not. It's nowhere close to okay. It's completely fucked up and I can't understand why Paulina would do something like that. And why the fuck the other cheerleaders would go along with it. God, what the fuck is wrong with them?
"Come on, let's forget about this and go eat." He gives me a smile but it quickly fades and his eyebrows draw down again. "Please don't make a big deal about this, okay? Everything's finally calmed down and I don't want to stir anything back up again… you can understand that, right? I just want things to stay normal for now."
He gives me a pleading look and I don't think I have a choice. How could I ever deny Danny anything he asks?
I try not to look at Paulina as she sits with us at lunch, knowing I won't be able to hold back my anger or questions as soon as I see her. She had no fucking right to do that… and to Danny of all people? What the fuck did he ever do? I guess she picks up that I'm not interested in talking to her cause after a few minutes, she stops trying to include me in her conversations.
Danny shoots me a look like he wants me to be nice but I can't be right now. Not when I know that the boy sitting next to me stopped my best friend from being outed cause he knows what it feels like. Cause my ex-girlfriend did a fucking cheer about him.
Jeff leans over to slug me on the arm and laughs at the glare I give him.
"You deserved that," he says, cramming a wad of food into his mouth. "You should know better than to try and keep a headlock on the great Jeff Steele!" he practically shouts, pounding his fists against his chest and imitating a Tarzan yell.
Star rolls her eyes, looking toward Paulina with a small laugh. "He's so obnoxious."
"You love me anyway," Jeff says, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. He gives her a grin before his gaze shifts toward Danny and the smile fades. "Sorry… if this is bothering you."
Danny gives him a blank look and shakes his head like he doesn't understand. Jeff looks toward me but apparently, my expression is the same as Danny's cause Jeff looks away from both of us with a heavy sigh.
"Cause of… y'know… earlier," he says, slouching down in his chair before glancing at Danny again. "With your… boyfriend? Or ex-boyfriend I guess?"
It takes both Danny and I a second to figure out what the fuck he's talking about but Danny recovers faster than I do, offering up a shrug in the silence. "It's fine," he says, giving Jeff a smile that I'm pretty sure is supposed to look forced to sell this whole thing. "I'm not gonna ask you guys to stop or anything."
Jeff nods like everything's cool but I can tell from his expression that there's more he wants to say. Silence settles over the table but Danny doesn't start eating again. His hands are balled into fists in his lap and I wonder how much of that is for show.
"But he was your boyfriend, right? Like… you guys were together or something?" Jeff asks, glancing toward Kwan when he groans softly. Jeff looks like he wants to question the noise but Danny gets the focus off my best friend easily.
"Yeah," Danny says, his tone of voice the perfect blend of frustrated and upset. Like he's not sure if he should be mad at himself or at his ex. It's pretty much exactly what Kwan's voice sounded like the other night. Danny's either pulling from personal experience or he's really good at bullshitting.
He meets my gaze when I look at him but he quickly turns away, letting out a shaky breath. "It's just… he was such an asshole and it took me so long to see it. I feel like an idiot."
"You're not an idiot," Keith says, cutting off whatever question Jeff was starting to ask. Keith glances toward our teammate before he focuses on Danny, offering up a shrug. "A lot of people find it really difficult to realize what's right in front of them. Not to mention he was probably screwing with your emotions."
Danny lets out a humorless laugh and I don't think this is all for show anymore. His tense posture and the tightening around his eyes can't be acting. He's not just pretending for the sake of keeping the attention off Kwan anymore. He's talking about the ex he mentioned to Kwan and I in the parking lot.
Someone pushes away from the table and the movement draws my attention. Roxane stands up from her chair and picks up her bag, slinging it onto her shoulder. "If I wanted to hear about petty relationship drama, I'd call my sister." She rolls her eyes before pushing her chair under the table again, the seat nudging against my knee.
"I don't care about all this gay shit," Roxane says, glancing toward Paulina and Star. "Call me when there's something more interesting going on."
She's only halfway across the cafeteria when someone else decides to leave too and I don't think any of us are surprised to see Blake go. He tosses a glance back at the table before he follows after Roxane, practically trailing after her like a fucking puppy.
Blake's always talking to us about her in the locker room and listing off all the things he'd like to do to her. For the most part, it's big talk cause there's no way in hell she'd go for even half of what he wants to do. But I guess it's not all just talk. What a fucking time for them to pull this shit.
Danny won't look at any of us, his expression seeming like he really took to heart the stupid fucking things Roxane said. I don't know if I hate Paulina or Roxane more right now. Seeing the look on Danny's face, I'm leaning more toward Roxane.
"Assholes," Keith mutters, shaking his head when I look toward him.
I exhale out a breath that lets everyone know just how frustrated I am at this whole fucked up situation. "Keith's right. They're fucking pricks," I say, glancing toward Danny but my gaze strays over to Kwan, too. "There's nothing wrong with you."
Kwan drops his gaze from mine and to everyone else, it looks like I'm just talking to Danny. But my best friend knows how much of this is for him too.
"Seriously. You're not responsible for the way people feel about you," I say, dropping my hand into my lap as subtly as I can. "There's always gonna be somebody that thinks you're wrong. But at the end of the day, the only person you have to take care of is yourself. Anyone else can go fuck themselves."
Danny lets out a sigh when I nudge my hand against his knee. He drops his hand beneath the table to grab mine and I squeeze his palm gently. He glances toward me with a smile that I'm almost surprised to see is so sad. I wish I was sitting close enough to Kwan to hold his hand too but for now, at least I can help Danny. He doesn't deserve half the shit he's been through and I wish I could make life easier for him. Cause Danny's just been in one corner of the world his whole life, one that doesn't understand how beautiful he is. And he's not the kind of boy that belongs in one place. He deserves the whole fucking universe laid out for him like a road map.
"Livermore isn't gonna know what hit them when the Ravens show up," someone calls from behind me as I'm walking across the parking lot with Kwan, headed to my car.
Practice ran longer than it normally does considering who we're up against this week. Livermore has a track record of crushing their opponent and we're not willing to hand over the championship title to them for another year.
Most of the after-school clubs have left for the day, the only people still here are my teammates and Coach. But apparently Paulina decided to hang around.
"Seriously, you looked really good out there," she says, crossing the parking lot and falling into step beside me. Kwan acknowledges her with a smile but I can't look at her, still too angry for Danny.
Oblivious to my brewing anger, Paulina keeps up steady chatter as I continue on to my car. She talks about the upcoming game and how much she's looking forward to the weekend away. She mentions something about Jeff possibly hitching a ride with her and Star when we leave for the game.
"Are you guys taking the bus again or you driving there this year?" Paulina asks, pushing her hair behind her ear as she gives us both a bright smile.
We've stopped next to my car and I busy myself unlocking my trunk, leaving Kwan to answer. He glances toward me before letting out a sigh, offering up a shrug. "I don't know. I don't really care either. I'm just looking forward to getting out of Amity Park for the weekend."
Paulina hesitates for a few seconds before I hear her talk, my back to both of them now.
"Yeah, I… saw what happened this morning," she says softly and the tone of her voice makes my skin crawl. It sounds like she cares about him. How can she care about Kwan when she treated Danny like shit for the same thing?
Kwan leans against the side of my car, glancing at me in the silence. I meet his gaze for a second or two before I'm focused on tossing my duffel bag into the trunk. Paulina steps closer to Kwan, placing a hand on his arm. From the angle I'm seeing her at, she looks sympathetic enough but it's hard to tell if it's an act.
"For what it's worth, I think that guy was an asshole. I don't know the whole story but whatever reason you broke up with him for must've been a good one. And honestly, he doesn't know what he's missing." Paulina smiles at Kwan and I can tell that Kwan's returning it. I wish I could let this moment be a happy one but I keep seeing Danny's face, his eyes filled with tears, and I can't.
I slam my trunk closed harder than necessary and they both look at me. Kwan shoots me a look like I should chill the fuck out and he's probably right. It's been a while since Paulina outed Danny, there's no reason to bring it up now. He asked me not to make this weird. Not to bring shit up. I try to convince myself to listen to what he asked of me but when I look at her, I can't stop myself.
"Funny how it's okay for Kwan to have a boyfriend," I say, watching the way her eyebrows draw down. She glances between the two of us like she's confused and I roll my eyes.
"I don't… understand what you're talking about," Paulina says with a frown.
I lean my back against my car, ignoring Kwan's pointed look. I'm unable to stop the scoff from leaving me as I cross my arms. "Just wondering when your opinion on guys dating each other changed. Last year? This summer?"
Paulina still looks confused but all it takes is me spitting his name for her eyes to widen. She meets my gaze and we stare at each other as she lets out a breath. She looks away from me, barely glancing at Kwan before she speaks. "That was… I-I really… screwed up then," she mumbles and I hate that I can't tell if she's faking or not. She runs a hand down her ponytail, shaking her head slowly. "I mean I really screwed up. He didn't… that was my fault."
Kwan glances at me, probably wondering if I'm gonna let it go at that but I don't return his stare. He should know by now that I'm stubborn as fuck and there's no way I'm letting Paulina off this easy.
"Why?" I ask, waiting until she looks up at me to continue. "Why him? What the fuck did he ever do to you? And tell me you didn't actually do a fucking cheer about it."
Paulina opens and closes her mouth, dropping her stare back to the pavement in the silence. She fidgets with her bag, chancing a look toward Kwan as she lets out a quiet breath. "Um…" she trails off quickly, glancing around the parking lot. I wonder if she's looking around for anyone else, checking to make sure her reputation is still intact. I can't fucking care about what other people think anymore.
"God, just when I thought things were good between us, I find out about this shit." I push my fingers through my hair, letting out a low breath. "I just don't fucking get it, Paulina. He didn't do anything to deserve that."
Paulina makes a face, shaking her head. "No, he didn't… And I know that what I did was horrible. He didn't do anything, it was all my fault. And believe me, I think about it a lot, okay? If I could do it all over again, I would never do what I did, it was stupid. I'm sorry, I should never have hurt him."
"I'm not the one who should be hearing this," I manage to say without sounding like I'm trying to spit fire. Paulina immediately nods and tells me I'm right. I know I should let it go there, just accept her apology that shouldn't even be for me but I can't bring myself to stay quiet. Too many questions are crowding up my brain, demanding to be answered, and before I can stop it, one of them spills from me.
"How am I supposed to trust that you'll never out me like that?"
Her eyes slowly widen and she looks from me to Kwan. I feel the heat flood my face instantly and though my first instinct is to look away or just get into my car and avoid this awkward conversation, I'm determined as fuck not to run away again just cause things are little awkward.
Paulina shakes her head, opening and closing her mouth again like she's not sure what to say. I don't know what I want her to say but something would be a hell of a lot better than nothing.
"Y-You're… gay?" she almost whispers, taking a step closer to me. I welcome her touch when she places her hand on my arm and a shaky breath leaves me.
I don't know. I know I like Danny and that his smile makes my whole body feel like it's on fire. But I know the way I felt for Paulina hasn't just disappeared. Right now, I don't give a shit about her but I know as soon as I pull my head out of my ass and accept that what she did was a long time ago, I'll care again. And as much as I want to just say I'm gay and have that shit figured out, I think part of me will always have feelings for Paulina or girls in general.
I flick my gaze out into the parking lot, attempting to process the thoughts running through my head but it's all a jumbled mess. I like Danny but I know in the past, I loved Paulina. Right now a part of me fucking hates her but in the past… god, the past.
"I don't know," I mumble, running a hand through my hair. Everything is so fucking confusing and I really wish I could just pick between liking guys or girls.
Kwan moves to lean against the trunk of my car next to me, meeting my gaze when I glance toward him. I can tell his hesitation is cause Paulina's here but it's not like anything he says will surprise her any more than I already have.
"What is it?" I ask, giving Kwan the only push he needed.
He chews on his bottom lip for a split second before he shrugs. "I was just gonna say that…" He exhales out, shaking his head. "Um, gay probably isn't the right term for you. I know you mentioned something about still liking girls?" he asks, glancing toward Paulina who looks between the two of us again. "I don't know that much about what it's like to have feelings for both but I know there's a number of different sexualities that might fit with how you feel."
I've always looked at girls. Ever since middle school, they've been on my radar. I don't love Paulina anymore but I still notice girls. Even when I'm not trying to, I notice them just as much as I notice Danny. I almost kissed the bartender at the club the other night and even though I wanted to, I went home with some girl instead. God, what the fuck is wrong with me?
"Maybe I just can't make up my fucking mind. I'm just not normal," I respond, pulling my arm from Paulina. I gesture to my car, hoping that they both let me off easy. "I should head in to work, I'm on the schedule late tonight." I haven't been back to the garage since that car almost fell on me but neither of them need to know that.
"Who the fuck is normal?"
Paulina gives me a look when I turn back to her. "Seriously. Who gets the choice in defining what's 'normal'? Cause I don't think anyone in Amity Park meets that definition, Dash."
"You make your own normal," Kwan says and she glances at him before quickly nodding.
"Right, exactly. And your normal is whatever you want it to be," Paulina says, stepping toward me when I don't respond. She puts her hand on my arm again as a frown creases her features. "I don't want you to think that I… Dash, I would never out you, that's not… I'm not that person anymore."
She gives me a pleading look like she wants me to believe her. To just accept what is and not question it. I want to push her away and demand to know why she did what she did to Danny but I don't want to be an asshole. So I nod instead, dropping my gaze from hers in the silence.
Paulina's breath hitches as she inhales and her hand curls tighter around my arm. "Dash, are you… did you start to realize the way that you feel after you met Danny?"
My breath hitches too but it takes me longer to recover than her. I end up going with a nod but it feels too casual. Maybe I should say something about him but I can't think of anything. I don't know how to put into words that his touch causes my heart to race and that his smile makes my boring days better.
"Y-Yeah," I mumble, running a hand down my face as I let out a shaky breath. I don't remember what my days were like before I looked forward to seeing Danny and sitting with him at lunch. Before I checked my phone all the time and waited around for him to text me. I don't think I was ever this way when I was with Paulina.
"You like him?" Paulina asks, her voice practically a whisper on the question. She makes it sound so easy. Like it's just as simple as liking him. But it's so much more than that and I don't know how to say it. How to tell her that holding Danny's hand is worth all the stupid algebra in the world. And I don't know how to say that his smile is so fucking adorable, it makes my chest ache the longer I don't get to hold him. And that I just want to protect him from all this fucked up shit with the things he's able to do and the people after him and-
"He's… yeah," I say, pulling my arm from her so I can cross my arms. Look stronger. My response is too casual and I want to say so much more about the beautiful boy I've fallen for. I want to say that his smile sends my heart racing and that he makes the sky above us look starless with just one look in his eyes but I know I'll choke on the words.
Kwan puts a hand on my shoulder, giving me a smile when I look at him. "It's okay. You don't have to come to any kind of a decision or anything now. Just give yourself some time to figure this out."
Paulina's quick to agree, telling me again that she would never out me before she says that I can tell her anything. I know they're both trying to make me feel more at ease with all this shit and I want to just accept it but I can't. I like Danny but it doesn't feel normal. Kwan figured his shit out and went for it. Despite the people around us that might judge him for the way that he feels, he didn't care, he just started going after what makes him happy.
But outside of Danny, I don't know what makes me happy. If I like girls or if I like guys. I just know that I like him. His blue eyes. His kind heart. The way he selflessly protected Kwan. How is it fair for me to want someone so fucking amazing when I'm just fucked-up?
A/N:
Yo! Thanks for checking out this update – I really appreciate that so many of you come back every update just to check out this fic
Poor Kwan, amiright? He wanted so badly to make this thing with Jared work but unfortunately, he didn't realize he was dating such a dick. Also, what do you think about Dash's mom? Do you think Dash should just do what she wants him to do or do you think she's selfish in what she's asked of him?
I know what most of you are thinking about though… Paulina outing Danny, huh? She apologized to Dash and seems to really regret what she did, but does it make it right to you? Does she seem sincere in what she's saying or do you think it's all just an act? I'd love to know what you're thinking
About the title… How could I write a chapter about a break-up like this and not use the amazing song by Sheryl Crow? If you haven't heard the song "The First Cut Is The Deepest" you need to. It so fits with Kwan and… not to spoil anything but it DEFINITELY fits Danny a little later on ;p
Short author's note this time around because unlike usually, I'm writing this right before I'm about to hit publish. Ordinarily I get everything ready Monday night so it'll go live on Tuesday morning/afternoon fairly easily but that wasn't the case this week… it's utter insanity you guys, I can't even begin to explain it
Anyway, that's pretty much all I wanted to say about this chapter. Like I said, I'd love to know what you think of it so please let me know either in the reviews or on my tumblr. Special thanks to Astro for giving me the name of the team the Ravens are up against in the championship game. They rock, you guys. Hit them up on tumblr (astrophantompines) if you want
I hope you guys have a great couple of weeks and I'll see you all in 56. See ya!
