I get back in bed under the pretense of sleep but I spend most of the night tossing and turning. Anastasia sleeps like a rock next to me and I wonder how much of that is from her alcohol consumption. I wish I got as drunk as she did last night. Maybe then I wouldn't have heard my phone ring.
Around nine, I hear my teammates voices out in the hall and I give up trying to sleep. Anastasia barely stirs when I get up from the bed, shuffle across the room and click the door shut behind me. Jeff's in the hallway, leaning against the wall as he talks quietly with Star.
He glances up when I pass by them and offers up a nod of recognition that I'm not entirely sure I return. I continue down the hall without a word and try to shake the headache coursing through me. Kwan's just stepping out into the hall and he gives me a look as he leans against the wall beside our room.
"Doing the walk of shame, Dash? Where'd you go last night?" he asks, a grin easily taking over his expression. "Did you hang out with Danny?"
I shake my head and slide the key from my pocket, opening the door in the silence. Kwan hesitates in the hall behind me, maybe like he wants to follow after me, but I close the door between us before he can. I don't want to deal with anyone or anything right now. I just want to get my shit and take a shower before I have to go home.
I walk further into the room, stepping over Kwan's bag to get to mine. I dig through my bag and look through the clothes I packed for this trip before I just decide to take whatever's clean. I don't care anymore.
All of my movements feel sluggish as fuck but I somehow manage to drag myself into the shower and stand under the spray. Everything feels like it's moving in slow-motion and I'm no different. Time isn't a factor on me today and I take as long as I can in the shower, even going so far as to shave the few stubborn patches of stubble on my chin, before I leave the bathroom again.
I pack all my shit away and sling my bag onto my shoulder, taking a final glance around the hotel room. All of the good that happened yesterday is colored by the phone call with mom. Where her voice sounded so broken and I was too fucking selfish to just give in and let her have what she wants. I know that we won the game last night but the sinking feeling in my gut makes me feel like I've somehow lost.
Jeff and Star are still in the hallway when I leave the room but they barely glance my way when I trudge down the hall toward the elevators. I have to wait a decade and a half for one to arrive but thankfully it's empty so my ride downstairs is quiet.
Alex is in the lobby when the elevator shudders to a stop. He's talking on his cell phone and though I can see him from where I'm at, he doesn't see me. And I don't think I want him to either. So I quickly skirt out of the lobby and leave the hotel before he has the chance to look my way.
I shuffle across the parking lot to my car in silence and I put my bag away in the trunk of my car. The sun is hitting my car in such a way that I can see my own reflection. And I look really fucking tired. Fuck, I am. I just want to go home and be by myself but I didn't make the drive up here alone. I just want to hit the road but he's still sleeping and I don't want to wake him yet. After everything he told me last night, I don't want to disturb him yet.
The silence finds a comfortable place to rest in my bones as I settle onto the trunk of my car, staring out at the road across from the hotel. The sigh I let slip from me feels like it should expel out every horrible thing I'm feeling but it doesn't. And I feel shitty for feeling shitty. Why does a simple phone call have to fuck with me so much?
I don't know how long I sit on my car, staring out at nothing, but it feels like it's only been a minute when my phone vibrates in my pocket. I'm pretty much frozen from the cold when I finally move to look at the text and my fingers fumble as I type in my passcode.
From: Alex
Hey! We're looking for you. Mom and I are rousing Ana from sleep and then we're gonna go out for breakfast. Bring Danny and Valerie, and meet us in the lobby in ten? :)
Another sigh is dragged from me at his words on my screen and I hate myself for feeling this way. I don't want to meet them for breakfast. I just want to get in my car and drive from here back to Amity Park. As soon as I'm home, I'm diving under my covers and I'm not resurfacing for at least a week.
I want to text back and tell him that I just want to go home or lie and say that I've already eaten something but Alex can always tell when I'm lying. And I don't want to let my shitty mood affect him. He spends enough of his goddamn time worrying about me. I can't let my own selfishness get in the way of what he wants again.
To: Alex
Okay
I don't have the energy for seeing Valerie yet so I text her with the plan instead but the thought of Danny has something stirring alive in me. I don't know if it's the full-blown butterflies from last night but it's something more than this shitty greyness.
Kwan's in the lobby with his mom and even though I want to just walk by him and not give a fuck, I can't. He's my best friend and last night we won the championship game together. So I stop when he notices me and I hold out the room key to him.
"Here. Your shit's everywhere in the room," I mumble, not entirely sure that's what I meant to say.
Kwan takes the key from me, nodding just a little in the silence. He hesitates a second before he looks up to hold my gaze, his face the picture of concern. "Are you okay?" he asks softly, stepping forward just a little to put his hand on my arm.
I wish I was capable of telling the truth. I wish I could just say no. That I'm not okay. That I'm so fucking angry at myself for not just giving mom what she wants. But words and I don't get along and I don't know how to force it out.
"Yeah. Just tired." I shrug, stepping back from Kwan. "Alex is waiting on me so… I gotta go."
I feel Kwan's stare on me all the way to the elevators and just as I reach them, he calls my name. I push the button before I turn around to him and he crosses the distance between us.
Kwan drags me into a hug, his arms tight across my back – not giving me even a fraction of breathing room. I know him better than I know myself most days. And I can tell that he's scared. I don't know if it's for me or for how I've been pulling away from him lately but he's scared. And I can do little to ease it.
"I'm fine," I mumble, dropping my chin onto his shoulder anyway. I wish I was fine. I wish I was more than fine. I just want everything to go back to the way it used to be. Before mom left. Before I found a family I ache so much to be a part of. Before I fell out of line and fell for someone I have no right to get involved with.
Kwan holds me tighter when a shiver runs through me but I push away from him. I can't stand here and let him hold me while I feel sorry for myself again. I don't want that to be the way his weekend ends. I fucking love Kwan but he doesn't deserve my shit.
"I gotta go. Text me later?" I ask, stepping back from him before I turn for the elevators again. One has finally arrived and I step onto it, not looking back at Kwan once I've hit the button for the right floor. My heart's hammering in my chest on the ride up but I force myself to breathe out and calm down. I don't want to drag my shit up again.
There's a nervous tremor starting in my left hand and I don't want to give into it. I don't want to let it affect me like it's already begun to. So I dig my phone from my pocket and check the text messages Valerie's sent me.
From: Valerie
!
Please not McDonalds, their coffee is shitty
I know you stomach it but Dash plz
I start to respond, say something about it not being my decision, but the elevator comes to a stop and I pocket my phone without a response. I start down the hallway but I almost stop when I see Alex hanging in the doorway of Anastasia's room.
Danny's room is only a few doors down from Anastasia's and I pray to whatever god is listening that he opens up before Alex turns around and sees me.
It takes me a good few minutes hovering beside the elevator before I have the balls to cross the distance to Danny's door. That nervous tremble is back inside of me and I'm practically shaking as I knock on his door. I'm hoping with everything in me that Alex won't notice me while I'm standing out in the hall. But fate has other plans and he looks my way just as Danny opens the door.
"Hi," Danny greets brightly, stepping back a bit to let me inside his room.
I silently accept his invitation and as soon as we're both inside, I close the door. Every nerve ending in me is on fire and I collapse against his door, closing my eyes in the silence. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I have the strength to be around Danny today and act like his every little thing doesn't affect me the way it does.
"What's up?" Danny asks and I open my eyes again to see that he's crossed over to the bed. His bag is open on top of the bed, a bunch of his shit surrounding it. I watch the way he puts a few things in his bag only to take them out again a few seconds later to rearrange everything.
He shoots a glance my way at my silence and I push away from the door, trying to shake the nerves from my soul. I trudge a few steps further into his room, trying to inject some kind of false happiness into my tone.
"Alex and his family are going out for breakfast. They want me, you, and Val to join them," I mumble, jerking my thumb toward the door. "Just come downstairs when you're ready. I'll be waiting in the lobby."
I turn for the door and I close my hand around the knob before Danny calls my name. My heart leaps into my throat and I force myself to breathe out before I glance over my shoulder. He's smiling, his head titled to one side as he watches me.
"You can hang out in here if you'd rather," he offers, his smile brightening just a little. "It shouldn't take me too long to finish packing up."
I want to hang around him while he puts his shit away but at the same time, I don't. I just want to go downstairs and let myself get lost as fuck inside my own head. I don't want to have to carry on a conversation and I don't want to let these damn butterflies make me feel better. I don't deserve to feel better right now.
"Thanks but… I'm gonna head downstairs. I'll see you in a bit." I manage to give him a smile before I leave his room but I notice the concern in his expression before I turn away from him. Fuck, please don't feel bad for me.
Alex is still down the hall when I step out but he's standing inside Anastasia's room with the door open now. I don't want to go out with them. I want to get in my car and go home because I know that Alex will be able to tell that I'm fucked-up just from one glance and Anastasia was there when mom called and Tatiana knows my fucking shit now and… fuck I don't want to do this.
I cross the hall to the elevators and step on the first one that arrives. After I hit the button for the lobby, I lean back against the wall, knowing that I don't have the energy for any of this bullshit. I should just cancel before I make a complete ass of myself around them. Fuck, I don't want to make this a big deal but I just want to be alone.
The elevator shudders to a stop at the lobby and I all but tumble out. A few more of my teammates and their families are in the lobby now and I pass by all of them, intent on getting as far away as I fucking can from all of this bullshit, before I eventually just collapse against the nearest wall. I hate that seeing my teammates with their families has stirred the jealousy in me.
Why do I have to feel shitty right now? Why can't I just be okay? I pulled this shit last night, what gives me the fucking right to do it again today? Shouldn't I be better at dealing with my shit rather than letting it fuck with me like this?
Somewhere in the midst of my mental bitching, I see Mitch across the room. He's fidgeting nervously with his phone, looking like he doesn't know what to do with his hands. He's pulling at the hem of his t-shirt and smoothing out wrinkles that aren't there. He's nervous. And of everyone in the lobby right now, I'm probably the only one that knows why.
I push away from the wall I'm leaning against and cross over to where Mitch is. He looks up as I come to a stop in front of him and he blows out a breath, immediately dropping his gaze from mine.
He fidgets again, keeping his stare trained on the ground, and I don't know how to do this. I don't know if there's something I'm supposed to do or something I'm supposed to say to make this easier on him. It's not like I can just say, "Sorry your boyfriend outed you in front of all our friends. Great game last night, huh?"
I'm not the kind of person that people seek comfort from. It's just not in my bones. I don't even comfort myself. And maybe Mitch needs comfort right now and maybe he doesn't. I don't know the difference, I can never tell.
"This town sucks," I mumble, leaning against the wall Mitch is standing in front of.
He looks back at me and hesitates a second before he steps backward, mirroring my position. His arm is against mine and he leans his head back against the wall, flicking his stare to the ceiling as a laugh is dragged from him.
"Yeah, it does," he responds softly.
I don't know what to say. I don't know how to broach that subject. I don't even know if I should broach that subject. All I know is that Mitch looks so fucking lost and I want to help. I want to extend my hand and pull him up through this confusing, terrifying, gay mess. But there's nothing I can do or say that'll mean anything to him. He doesn't know the way that I feel because I've never told him. So my understanding will only ever come off as pity to him.
"Amity Park sucks too sometimes," I continue, not sure where I'm going with this rant or if this is even the right time to be saying any of this. My breath sticks in my throat when Mitch turns to look at me but I keep talking anyway cause I don't know what else to do in this silence. "The people there have small minds and they're so fucking… stupid about some things and I don't get it. What the fuck does it matter to them?"
Mitch swallows hard when I manage to glance his way for a few seconds. His eyes are telling me that there's so much he wants me to say in this moment but he looks away from me before I have the chance to figure any of it out.
"Just… so you know, none of that shit matters to me. People can… be who they are with me," I say, knowing that I'm fucking this up. That I'm making this whole goddamn situation worse and putting Mitch in a fucking awkward position.
He surprises me when he looks up at me with a smile that quickly loses its hesitancy. "Thanks, Dash." Mitch's smile brightens a little and he nudges his shoulder against mine. "It's nice to know that you support this kind of stuff. Sometimes it's hard to tell who does."
Of course I support this. I'm this. Or I'm some variation of this. Or however the fuck it works. I'm something. And he's something too. And even if we weren't, I'd still support it. Cause my best friend is gay. Cause the boy I've fallen so hard for is gay. Cause I'm a fucking decent human being.
"People get so fucking stupid about this shit," I mumble, pushing away from the wall. Even though I could probably stay with Mitch and talk forever about all of this, I need to put some distance between us. This isn't about me. This is about him and the way he feels. No one gives a shit if the quarterback has the hots for his tutor.
I shove Mitch's shoulder just a little and jerk my thumb behind me. "Sorry man, I gotta run. Some friends wanna grab breakfast before I hit the road so… I'll see you back in Amity Park?"
Mitch smiles. It's not a happy expression but it's not entirely sad either. I get the impression that he's holding back in this moment but he doesn't say another word. He just nods and I slip away from him cause I'm too much of a coward to ask him what he's thinking.
I hide out in the hallway just beside the elevators, afraid that Mitch will see me and figure out that I'm just not in the headspace to talk about this shit. But when Dale comes out of the elevators, I can breathe easier cause I know that Mitch won't come looking for me now.
Dale still looks hungover when he stumbles past me but he stops only a few feet from me. I can see him hesitating but whatever's got him hung up, he gets over and turns back to me. His every movement is slow, like he's not sure how I'll react, but he blows out a breath and meets my gaze.
"You seen Mitch?" he asks and I nod toward the lobby. He exhales out a breath and runs a hand through his hair. It almost seems like he wants to say something more to me but he turns and walks away without another word.
The silence begins to scratch at me as soon as he's gone so I dig my phone from my pocket to give myself something to do. Texts from both Kwan and Valerie have piled up on my phone, along with a few snapchats from my teammates. I don't have the mental energy to look at any of them right now so I turn my screen off again and let my gaze drift through the lobby instead.
At first, I'm looking at nothing. Just watching my teammates and their families and the crowd of people that were watching the game last night. But in between families and random strangers, I see someone I recognize. Someone with a smile so wide on her face, I feel that shitty mood begin to crack.
"Dash!" Tatiana calls, waving to me as she makes her way across the crowded lobby. She tugs me into her arms when she's close enough and I breathe in the feeling of her kindness flowing from her. Her arms fit around my back and she holds me close and it feels so fucking right. Tatiana kisses my cheek and I find myself fighting like hell to keep from breaking in her arms. Cause she's so warm and I feel like my heart's been cold since I answered that call from mom.
Tatiana must recognize that I'm not as steady on my feet as I look cause she holds me gently and rubs at the knots in my back. I don't even realize I've fisted my hand in the back of her shirt until my fingers start to go numb from the tightness.
"Is everything okay, cariño?" she questions, continuing to rub at the tension building in the muscles in my back. I don't know how to speak without splintering so I slowly let go of her shirt and nod, even though everything is far from fine. Or maybe everything is fine and I'm just making a big deal out of nothing.
I reluctantly pull away from her, knowing that if I stay in her arms any longer, she'll realize how awful I'm really doing. Not that this shit is anything new. It shouldn't be able to fuck with me like it does but god. Mom needs help so badly and if she had a son that wasn't a piece of shit, she'd have that help. But I fucking suck and I won't just give her what she's asked for.
"Dash… are you sure?" Tatiana asks softly and I know she's thinking of what I told her in Danny's room last night. About my dad. About everything he's done to me. But this isn't about dad this time. This is about me. And how much mom needs me and how I just won't give her what she wants.
It's not fair of me to lie, and especially not to Tatiana, but I find myself mumbling that I'm okay. She and her kids have done so much for me, it feels cheap to give her anything other than the truth but I just can't today. I don't feel like dragging my shit out right now.
"Sorry," I say, attempting to wrench a smile from the depths of my bruised soul. "I was celebrating with my teammates last night and I might be a little hungover." I push out a laugh when she frowns, looking at me the way she looked at Anastasia the other night. Like she might have to scold me. But I'm not her kid and I think that's what stops her. God, I wish she would scold me. I wish I was one of the Moreno's and had a fucking normal life.
Tatiana smiles at me, shaking her head, and she unconsciously makes this a hell of a lot easier on me. With her smile, it's easy to convince myself that it's okay to lie about this shit. If I'm not dragging someone down into it, a lie is easier to swallow.
I pretty much zone out during breakfast but I try to keep up with most of the conversation. Both Alex and Danny give me a couple looks but otherwise, I don't think anyone picks up that I'm slightly out of it. Even if they did, I'd just come up with some kind of lie again. I'm good at that part of this whole mess.
When we've all eaten what we can, we leave the restaurant together. We stand in the parking lot together for a couple of minutes, talking about the game and this weekend, before Valerie asks to hitch a ride with one of us back to the hotel so she can get her car.
"Can you guys take her? I need to stop for some gas," I lie, this one slipping so easily from me.
Alex gives me a funny look, folding his arms over his chest. "Already? I thought your mileage could outdo my car."
I shrug, swinging my keys around my index finger. I know Alex can probably tell that I'm lying but it doesn't stop me from piling another one on. "Yeah, usually. But I didn't fill up entirely before I left Amity Park."
"Well, in any case, you get yourself back to Amity Park safe. And of course, Danny too," Tatiana says, looking his way.
Danny glances up from his phone and returns the smile that Tatiana gives him. She pats my arm as she passes by me to get to him. I feel some of my shitty mood lift when I see the way Tatiana squeezes Danny close to her chest. She's not my family and I have no right to think of her that way but… seeing someone I care about with the boy I'm completely struck by makes me hate the world a little less.
Anastasia and Valerie start arguing about who gets to ride in the passenger seat and I can't help the smile that tugs at my expression. Hearing them argue over something so stupid reminds me that there's a world outside of my own head. And I guess sometimes it's good just to remember that.
Danny's standing with Tatiana, the two of them talking quietly, when Alex crosses over to me. His arms are still folded across his chest and he comes to stand beside me, leaning back against my car. I hear him exhale out a breath and I look up toward the sky.
The silence between us is punctuated by Valerie and Anastasia's laughter as the two of them chase each other around Tatiana's beat-up mini-van. They look like they're just playing around but from the look on Anastasia's face, I wonder if there's something there for her. If she sees Valerie the way I do Danny.
"You did really well last night," Alex says softly, pulling me from my thoughts. He's smiling so widely when I look him and I can't help but feel like I don't deserve it. "Seriously. I don't think I've ever seen anyone with so much heart play this game. You… were amazing, Dash."
I force a smile for his benefit, nodding. "Thanks."
He slides his arm around my shoulders, tugging me close to him. "I mean it. I'm so proud of you, you know that?" he asks, not waiting for my answer before he continues. "You played with so much spirit last night. The crowd was going nuts every time you scored a shot."
"They were rooting for the team, Alex," I respond, hating the bite to my tone. I don't mean to sound like that. I just don't think that anyone in the crowd last night was there just to see me aside from everyone that's in the parking lot with me right now.
Alex loosens his grip around my shoulders for a few seconds before he pulls his arm away entirely. When I glance at him, he's fidgeting, picking at his nails like there's something he wants to say but doesn't have the words for it. I know the feeling well but I can't offer him any advice. I still suck at finding the right words.
"Dash… last night… in the car…" he trails off, glancing up at me and meeting my stare in an instant. The butterflies in my gut are telling me that I already know what he's talking about. But I swallow hard and feign innocence, raising my eyebrows in question.
Alex runs his tongue along his teeth. "The way… you and Danny were sitting… and talking. In the car, and in the restaurant and… I'm just… curious," he says, giving me a look like he hopes I understand what he's not saying. And I do. But it's not something I can easily talk about like that. Danny's only a few feet away from me and the thought of him hearing any of this has my heart pounding like crazy.
When I don't immediately respond, Alex exhales and asks it. "Are you two…?"
"No, we're not." I break the staring contest as I shake my head, pushing a hand through my hair. I turn my gaze upward and watch the few clouds drift across the otherwise clear sky. I should have told Alex this a long time ago. Because he knows me better than that. But if he hadn't seen us in the car last night, I don't think I ever would have breathed a word of this.
"But… you want to be?"
You have no idea how much my tired soul wants to be intertwined with his. I never knew the meaning of soulmate until I met a boy named Danny. I never believed in magic or had any hope for the future until the day he stumbled into my life, bloody and nervous but so fucking perfect. Wanting him is an understatement, Alex.
I nod and the simple action isn't enough. I need to spill my guts about Danny and everything. I need to tear my heart open and show Alex what's inside. All the things I feel for Danny. Everything my mom and dad have put me through. Every night that I lay awake, hoping that things will just get better. I want to open myself up and show it all to Alex but… he doesn't need that kind of shit put on him. He and his family might show up for football games to support me but they didn't take me in to raise. It's my responsibility to get through my shit. And anyway… a conversation about Danny shouldn't be tinged with all the darker shit of my life.
Alex swallows, his throat bobbing with the action, and clears his throat. "Dash-"
"You owe Anastasia twenty dollars," I cut him off, arching an eyebrow when I look back at him. He tilts his head to one side in confusion and I roll my eyes. "You guys have some kind of bet going? On when I'd c-come out to one of you?" I ask, and Alex's face turns red.
He scratches the underside of his chin, the blush creeping down his neck as he looks away from me. "Shit, how'd you hear about that?" he asks but then seems to realize there's a more important part to this conversation. "Does that mean you're…?"
I shake my head before I shrug. "No. Anastasia talked about it with me last night and… I don't think I'm… I-I think I'm like her," I say, hating the flush I can feel on my own face and the fact that I can't even say the fucking word.
Bisexual. It was easy to say in Anastasia's room last night – when it was late and we were both drowning in alcohol and our own stupid problems. But here, standing in an open parking lot with Alex and his family, I just don't have that bravery anymore.
Alex chews on his bottom lip, nodding in the silence. "I hope you know… that you're not alone. There are a couple of like… support groups, I guess? I don't know, Anastasia's the one who went to them a while back, when she was figuring this out. She could probably tell you more about it than I could. But… if you're interested, I could let her know and she'll tell you about it?"
I shrug, pushing away from my car. "Thanks. I should probably get going. I'll text you when I'm home to let you know I got there okay," I mumble, glancing over my shoulder at Danny. He's still taking with Tatiana, the two of them grinning, but he looks up when I call his name.
"You riding with me?" I ask and Danny quickly nods, looking back to Tatiana again.
I only watch them for a few seconds before I turn to Alex again. I run a hand through my hair, the nerves bubbling up in my stomach again as I shrug. "Thanks for… showing up for the game. It was cool to see you guys out there in the crowd."
"Please, it was the least I could do, Dash," he says, holding out his arms for a hug. I let him fit his arms around me and I drop my cheek against his shoulder and he holds me closer. Him and his mom seem to know when I'm unsteady and right now, I hold on to him like he's my life-raft in this stupid, tidal wave that's become my life.
I don't think Alex realizes how big of a deal this weekend was to me. If he hadn't shown up with his family, it would have only been Valerie in the crowd that I wasn't expecting. She's one of my best friends and I care about her a lot but Alex is… god Alex is more like family than he should be. I don't have a fucking right to call him that but he feels closer to me than just an employer. And the selfish part of me hopes that I'm a hell of a lot more to him too.
Danny makes idle chatter when we get into my car and I've never known him for that. At first, I think he's nervous – just making conversation to keep the silence away. But after a few minutes of listening to him talk, I realize it's probably Tatiana. It feels a little like she's brought him out of his shell and this new chatty, person is who he usually is. When his own anxieties and insecurities don't keep him hostage with all the things he wants to say.
I let him talk as long as he wants to and I don't interrupt him with anything I'm thinking. There's no chance in hell I'm chasing away whatever has sparked to life inside of him. And even after he's exhausted himself with words and is just sitting back, staring out the window, there's a smile on his face that I don't want to ever disappear. I want him to stay this happy forever and I'm afraid to speak and shatter it all for him.
When the silence settles between us, it's a little awkward at first, and I wish I could say something that wouldn't crack the fragile happiness Danny's got going on. But he's the one to break the silence and suggests we play some of the CD's littering the floor of my car. It eases the tension I could feel settling in the pit of my stomach and when he makes fun of me for my music choices, I make fun of him for liking it anyway. And it feels good to joke with him.
Somewhere around the hour mark of the drive, we make a stop to fill up on gas and get some snacks for the road and Danny buys something tacky from a nearby tourist shop. He says it's cute but I think ugly is the better term for it and he rolls his eyes at my insults. And after we're done, it's just a long stretch of road until we're home. Just miles and miles of endless driving and even though we talk for the majority of the drive, I'm not blind to the exhaustion pulling at Danny's features. With every song, he seems to sag against the passenger window just a little more and I let him sleep. I keep the music playing but I turn the volume down when Danny finally drifts off.
After a while, the roads start looking familiar and once we're back inside Amity Park, I find the way to the high school easily. One glance at the parking lot tells me his Equus isn't there. Even though, I should probably wake him up to tell him we're back in Amity Park, I don't want to. Not yet. If I wake him up and he goes home, then this weekend is over. And I don't want it to end here. So I pull out of the lot and start driving.
The sound of my wheels against the road along with the familiar hum of music played from summer mixes Kwan and I made ages ago create the perfect background noise. I find myself stealing glances at Danny every now and then as he continues sleeping and I keep the car going so I don't wake him up. I don't care that I've been in the car for hours and that I spent most of today feeling like shit. I keep driving cause he's so beautiful when he sleeps.
I don't know how long I've been driving but the sun has dipped beneath the clouds while I've been steering my car down every back road in Amity Park. Danny's been sleeping against the window since I pulled into the parking lot for the school and I haven't disturbed him once. Mainly cause he looks incredibly fucking cute.
Danny starts stirring as I come to a crawl at a red light and he blinks open an eye, surveying the road and the inside of my car before he looks at me, raising an eyebrow. His gaze streaks down to the clock and he blinks several times before he sits upright.
"Shit." He smooths down the side of his shirt where it's been hitched up for the past hour or so – not that I've fucking noticed – and shrugs his hoodie on. "Shit, Dash. It's past seven, why are we… how long was I asleep?"
I shrug, tapping the gas pedal when the light changes. Instead of turning down another back road, I keep the car going forward this time, reluctantly prepared to take him home. I don't want to see him go yet but I've had him to myself for long enough.
"Couple hours," I respond with a shrug. "You looked so exhausted, I just kept driving and let you sleep." I glance at him when he groans and I raise an eyebrow. "Why? Should I have woken you?"
Danny nods, scrubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands. "Yes. I told my mom I'd be home hours ago. She's probably freaking out." He digs his phone from his pocket and freezes as the screen refuses to light up. "Fuck, the battery's dead!" He glances at me, his eyes wide and I one-handedly pull my phone from my pocket.
"Here, use mine," I hold it out to him and he quickly takes it. For a few seconds, he just stares down at the screen before he remembers what he's supposed to be doing. He types in the passcode but hesitates on dialing his mom's phone.
Several long seconds pass in silence before he clicks the screen off and wordlessly sets it on the center console. I glance from the phone to him, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. It sounded urgent but he… didn't even use my phone?
"Not gonna call her?" I question, taking the turn onto the road that leads to his house.
Danny presses his mouth into a thin line, shaking his head as he keeps his gaze out the windshield. I want to ask him why not but I don't know if that'd be okay. I've pushed him before, I don't want to repeat it.
"You uhh… you gonna tell me why?" I ask, waiting for the inevitable shake of his head.
He surprises me by pushing out a breath and running it through his hair. "She… can wait. I'll deal with it when I get home," he mumbles. He glances up at the road and sits up a little straighter in his seat. "Turn left when you hit the light," he says, even though I've already hit my turn signal.
When I make the turn, he instructs me on what to do next even though I already know. Giving me directions seems to ease the tension I can see in his body so I let him, pretending that I don't have the way to his house memorized already.
By the time we reach his house, the tension has almost completely left him. He's still hesitant as I roll my car to a stop at the edge of his driveway and he doesn't seem to want to leave my car. He closes his hand around the door handle and lets out a breath, stealing a glance at me from under his fringe.
"Um…" he trails off, seeming unsure of what to say.
I'm hesitant too but for an entirely different reason. Still, I find bravery hidden somewhere in the depths of my soul, and I draw on that for this moment. Where I lean across the seats and tug him into my arms instead of against my lips.
Danny relaxes into my touch, breathing out a sigh of relief. "Sorry, I don't… I don't know what to say. I hope… you had fun these past few days. I know I have."
I hold him tighter as a way of response, knowing that words would be better. For once, I don't have the energy to hate myself for not speaking. Cause he's warm in my arms and I let myself be selfish for a few moments while I hold him for longer than a friend should.
It's a little awkward when we pull away from each other but I keep my gaze downcast until I manage to corral the butterflies in my gut back in their cage where they belong.
Danny meets my gaze as soon as I look up, his eyebrows pinched together. "Are you okay?"
I wish he wouldn't ask me that question. I don't know the difference between okay and not anymore. I'm wrecked from the phone call with mom. I feel better from everything Anastasia told me. The anger is gnawing at my bones as I stare at Danny, knowing what he told me about his ex-boyfriend last night. I feel on top of the fucking world cause my team won the championship game and Coach thinks I'll be getting more college offers… Summing up my emotional state into one word feels like it'll cheapen my experiences these past few days.
There's nothing for me to say to tell him how I feel so I offer a shrug and twist the keys from the engine. Evening has really settled in now and it's dark as we leave my car. We quietly move to the trunk of my car to get his bag and though he reaches the trunk first, he waits for me.
I twist the keys into the trunk and open it for him before I step back. I stand there in silence and fidget with my phone, checking and re-checking the time, while he gets out his bag. He struggles with it for a second before he steps back and slams the trunk closed. Danny takes the keys from the lock and hands them over to me, offering up a smile.
"I really did have fun with you, Dash. A-And Alex's family too, they were really nice," he says, leaning against my car, that same peaceful smile still on his face.
After a few seconds of watching him, I lean against the car too, pushing out a breath with a nod. I want to repeat his words back to him, tell him that I had fun with him too and that I fucking love Alex and his family but I don't. The words don't push to the front of my tongue easily and even if they did, I'd swallow them back.
"Yeah," is what I manage to cough out.
I know Danny's concerned. I can feel it in the way he hesitates before placing a hand on my arm. I can see it in the way the lines on his face pull deeper with the frown that disrupts his peaceful expression. I can almost taste it in the way his breath trembles as he starts to speak.
"Dash, I… want you to know… I-"
The front door to his house swings open and his whole face goes white. He drops his hand from my arm and stumbles back a step.
"Shit," he swears, darting a glance up to his front door. He grips the strap of his bag tighter and looks like he's ready to bolt when his mom starts down the stairs but he surprises me by staying put. He exhales out a low breath, leaning against my car again. "Prepare yourself," he mumbles, and I turn to glance at him just as his mom comes to a stop in front of us. She's a tall, lean woman, with a seriously pissed off expression. She's wearing a blue shirt, the sleeves pushed up over her elbows, and her jeans are slightly faded. Her short, red hair is cropped to her chin and though Danny has her frame, it's obvious from a glance that he takes after his dad instead of her.
She spares me a look before she's focused on her son, her arms folding over her chest.
"You have a lot of explaining to do," she says, apparently not concerned about lecturing him in front of his friends. She raises an eyebrow when he looks up at her. "I told you not to go away this weekend, Danny. What, did you think I wouldn't notice you were gone?"
"You don't usually," Danny mumbles, immediately sinking his teeth into his bottom lip as soon as the words leave his mouth.
Mrs. Fenton looks like he just slapped her. Her arms fall limply to her sides and for a second, it's silent between the three of us – save for the rustling of the trees and the grass beneath our feet.
Danny scratches the back of his head and I wonder if the silence is prickling across his skin the way it is mine. Making the night feel warmer than it is. Stirring the tension in his gut the way it threatens to in me.
"Look… I'm sorry," he says, turning to look at his mom. "I'll be inside in a second, okay?"
Her stare drifts from her son to me and I can't help but feel like I'm being scrutinized. I try to seem taller or stronger but the almost-glare she's fixed me with prevents me from moving an inch.
"You're Dash?" she asks, my name practically a swear on her lips. I wonder how much Danny's told her about me. Or how much his dad knows. I've never met his mother before and I can't help but feel like I'm making a horrible first impression.
"Y-Yeah," I stammer out, itching to hold my hand out to her. I feel like I should shake her hand. Say that I've heard a lot about her or that it's nice to finally meet her but from the way Danny's tensed up beside me, I can't find the words I should say.
Mrs. Fenton barely spares me a glance longer than a few seconds before her attention is focused elsewhere. She looks at Danny again but continues to address me. "So you're the one that Danny's willing to break rules for? Just how did you manage to get him to do that?"
"Mom," Danny stresses, shaking his head when she looks at him. "Come on, j-just give me a minute to say goodbye and I'll be inside, okay?"
She gives him a look like he's had long enough with me but after a few seconds of a staring contest, Mrs. Fenton starts away from us. She doesn't go back inside the house, hovering on the porch instead, and Danny groans.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, stepping back a little further so the back of my car conceals him almost entirely. He shakes his head, nibbling on his lower lip again, and throwing another glance toward the porch. "God, I'm so sorry. She's just really… intense sometimes."
"Yeah, seems like it," I say with a humorless laugh, running my fingers through my hair.
Whenever Danny talked about his mom before, it was fleeting conversation and without a lot of details about her. I feel like now that I've seen her, everything should make sense and I should understand why he's careful around her but I don't get it.
He hesitates a second before shrugging his bag off and setting it on my trunk. He opens his arms for another hug and I easily step into the embrace, tugging him against my chest. He fits his chin over my shoulder and turns his head slightly to the side, probably watching his mom.
I run my hands up his back, my fingers dancing over his spine, and he relaxes under my touch. A quiet breath leaves him and his hands curl around the fabric of my t-shirt. For a few seconds, I hold him tighter and he trembles just a little before relaxing.
"M'gonna… have to talk to her tonight," he mumbles, releasing the fistful of fabric and smoothing out my shirt. His voice shakes as he talks but he continues anyway. "I don't… want to. But I guess there's no avoiding this."
Danny feels too small in this moment, too tense to let go of, but I make myself do it. Cause he needs to go and I have to give him the space required to do so. Even if leaving him is the last thing I want to do, I make myself do it.
"Okay," I say. Bravery sparks alive in my chest and I reach a hand up to brush my thumb over his cheek. One corner of his mouth lifts and all of the shit this weekend and the tension growing in the pit of my stomach is worth that smile. "Text me when she's finished chewing you out?"
A laugh escapes him and he glances toward the porch with a sigh. I want to follow his line of sight back there and see her, try to guess what her expression looks like, but I keep my gaze on the boy in front of me. When he won't look away from her, I take his hand in my mine and gently pull until he gives in.
"You've got this," I mumble, feeling the tell-tale signs of a flush creeping across my cheeks. It's the truth though. He's got this. Whatever his parents or life or shitty ex-boyfriends do to him isn't enough to destroy him. I refuse to let the world crush this beautiful soul standing in front of me.
Danny smiles then, a real smile, and he nods. He looks like he wants to pull me into another hug but instead, he takes a step back and I drop my hands from him, my fingers instantly wanting to hold him again. He lifts his bag from the trunk and gives me a final smile before he starts trudging for the front porch.
I only watch him for a few seconds before I climb into the driver's seat of my car and start the engine. Halfway up the stairs, Danny turns around to give me a wave when I pull out of the driveway. I return it before I'm focused on the road again.
Danny's got his shit to deal with and I've got mine. Too bad we couldn't have just given a mental middle finger to our problems and just spent another few days at that hotel. Then again, If I'd had a few more time with him, that selfish part of me would have come out and I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from pressing my lips to his and making him forget his own name.
The light is on the living room when I get home and dad's car is parked in the driveway. I ease my car in beside his and kill the engine, letting out a pent-up breath as I stare at the house. I don't want to go in there tonight. But I don't want to run from this either.
Finding strength from somewhere inside of myself, I manage to get out of my car and grab my bag. I hesitate on the sidewalk in between my car and the house but after a few seconds of silence, I drag in a breath, find the key to the house on my keyring and continue up the sidewalk.
Turning the lock sounds so loud in my ears but I force myself to push the door open and step inside. Something's cooking, I can smell it in the air, and I do a quick sweep of the living room before I push the door closed behind me. The room's empty but dad's inside here somewhere.
I force myself to make a lot of noise, swinging my keys as I walk, practically stomping my feet as I toe my shoes off, and slowly, I make my way further into the house and toward the kitchen.
Dad's standing in front of the stove, stirring a pot of something, and it's like I'm seeing him for the first time in a long time. He's dressed in a dark blue polo shirt, jeans on, and feet bare as he whistles in front of the stove, oblivious to his kid standing a few feet from him.
He taps the spoon against the side of the pot and sets the spoon off to the side of the stove. Dad slides on a pair of oven mitts and lifts the pot from the stove, carrying it over to the sink where he drains the pasta he's made.
I swallow hard, feeling the tension pricking at my skin. I want to turn and escape upstairs before he can see me. Before he can get angry and I'll end up bruised again. But I'm tired of running and hiding out until he's gone.
Dad turns when I clear my throat and his eyebrows rise on his forehead. After a second of hesitation, he seems to remember that he's supposed to be draining the pasta cause he sets the pot on the counter as he shakes water out of the strainer.
He dumps the pasta back into the pot before turning around to glance at me. His stare almost makes me freeze and I find it hard to take a small step forward.
"Haven't seen you around lately," are the first words he speaks to me and he quickly turns his back as soon as he's said them. He adds a few things to the pot, stirring the noodles quickly before he returns to the stove to cut off the burner under a pot of sauce.
I manage to take another small step into the kitchen and I count it as a victory. Cause I want to just run and hide under my covers for the remainder of the weekend until I can escape to school for a couple hours. But I'm not running and I'm not hiding. I'm standing in the kitchen, having an almost-conversation with him instead.
"Yeah… th-there was a game," I mumble, running a hand down my face before he turns to glance at me. I drop my hand back by my side, shoving it deep into my pocket when I feel the need to fidget. "An… away game, the um… the championship game so…"
Dad raises an eyebrow when he looks at me but his gaze doesn't linger on me for long. He runs a cloth along the counter, wiping up water he spilled from the pot or maybe earlier on during cooking, before he looks back at me.
"Did you win?"
My throat constricts on the question but I nod. I think I even manage a halfway decent smile. He's actually asking me about the game. I think he cares about this kind of shit, he just doesn't know how to show it. At least… that's what I tell myself. "Yeah… yeah, we did."
Dad nods once and I pretend that's enough. He turns back to the stove and slides the oven mitts back on, lifting the pot from the stove and adding the sauce in with the noodles. He gives the whole thing a stir before he deems it done and turns to me.
"I made spaghetti, if you want some," he says, his gaze on me for longer than it's been since I stepped into the kitchen. It makes my skin prickle like it was earlier – when I was standing in between Danny and his mom.
The invite is clear in dad's tone and I could probably go for some food. Other than a few snacks Danny and I picked up when we stopped for gas around midday, I haven't had anything since breakfast with Alex. I should accept the invitation and set the table. Sit with him and talk about meaningless shit. Like we used to.
I want to be able to agree and just let this tension between us go. Cause I know it'll just keep building until one of us snaps. Most likely him. And the tension will finally break with bruises on my skin and harsh words spat at me like rocks thrown at my glass bones.
"I… already ate," I lie, feeling that bravery from this weekend evaporate from me in a single instant. I'm standing in the kitchen with dad, carrying on a conversation like I wasn't in the hospital two weekends ago cause of his hands. Cause of what he did to me.
The reality of this situation is clawing at my insides, begging me to get away, and I try my best to hold my ground. To just keep my feet planted firmly and face up to my demons. But I don't know how to stand up against someone that used to cheer me on at little league games and carried me on his shoulders whenever we'd go to the fair.
How does someone that once cared so fucking much for me make the breath stick in my throat just by the sight of him?
I take a small step backward, that bravery long gone, and I awkwardly nod toward the living room. "I'm just gonna take a shower and probably do some studying. …Th-Thanks though," I mumble, quickly taking my exit. I don't give dad a chance to respond before I'm grabbing my bag and shoes from the living room and starting up the stairs.
My hands are trembling a little as I gather up my clothes for a shower and I practically sprint across the landing and into the bathroom. God, how can he still fuck with me this badly?
This weekend was supposed to be a good one. I was supposed to return home triumphant and standing proud. Not some shell of who I was before I left, beaten down by not only dad but mom too. I've always tried to be a son they could be proud of but… I wonder if I've ever been the reason for their pride.
I practically collapse onto my mattress as soon as I get out of the shower. I try to figure out my homework a little but I really am exhausted so I give up after a few minutes.
Even though I'm sure insomnia's been lying in wait to fuck with me, I cut out my light and crawl under my covers in the hopes of falling asleep. Dad's watching television downstairs and the sound is more comforting than it should be. I've guess I've gotten used to being alone with only my thoughts as company because hearing dad downstairs, and knowing that it's not just me in the house, lets me relax and I can feel the tension from the day slowly slip away from me.
I'm exhausted but not to the point of sleep so I end up scrolling through notifications on my phone. There are a fuckton of notifications from snapchat and I let the app load before I groan. Of course over half of these are from Kwan.
The first one almost makes me chuck my phone across the room but I settle for furiously blushing as I swear under my breath.
It's a picture of Kwan standing in the lobby, half of his grinning face in the foreground of the photo. In the background is Danny standing with Alex's family, smiling at whatever Alex is telling him, and I actually want to kill Kwan for his caption of, 'leaving ur boyfriend alone? How rude ;p"
My face must be really fucking red cause I can feel the heat practically starting a fire against my pillow. Goddamn you, Kwan.
I settle for pointedly ignoring his first message and scrolling through the rest. A lot of the pictures he's sent me are more of the same really, pictures taken secretly, but thankfully the first one is the only one of Danny. There's one of a player for Lincrest's team, almost naked as he swims in the hotel's pool, a tight speedo being the only thing keeping him from skinny-dipping. The photo's a little shaky and taken from a high angle, giving me the impression that Kwan literally snapped the photo on the run and I snort at the mental image, glancing over his caption before the photo has a chance to disappear. "He's so hot, help?"
Once I've cleared away the notifications from snapchat, I browse Facebook for a while, occasionally ticking the like button on status updates and photos shared by my teammates. Most of the updates are about the game but some are just talking about the size of hotel rooms or drunken, rambling posts probably made last night.
In the middle of reading Jeff's post about how this weekend has gone, my phone lights up with a new text message. I hate myself a little for the hope that springs awake in my chest at the thought of it being Danny. And just a little extra hatred eeks out of me when I realize how disappointed I am that it isn't from him.
From: Keith
Hey, can I ask you something?
To: Keith
What's up?
I drum my fingers along the sides of my phone and wait while he takes a decade and a half to type. When nothing appears on my screen for over five minutes, I close out of the conversation and open Facebook again, hitting like on Jeff's post before I scroll further down my timeline.
Another text lights up my phone and I continue browsing Facebook. Somewhere down my timeline, there's a post I almost miss. Cause it's just Paulina talking about the game and how great the weekend was but… Danny's name is sprinkled among the others that have hit like on the post.
What the fuck…? When did they add each other on Facebook? Why have I just now noticed this?
I don't know why the fuck I've never searched for him before or why the hell I hesitate so long but I tap on his name and wait while his profile loads up. His picture is a photo of him and his sister, both sticking out their tongues and grinning up at the camera. The cover photo on his profile is of several constellations and I'm not even surprised. It fucking fits with him, the way that a photo of my car fits on my profile.
A lot of Danny's information is hidden and Facebook prompts me to send him a friend request if I want to see his full profile. The most I can see about him is that he's currently attending Casper High. Which I already fucking know.
I chew on my thumbnail and repeatedly move to tap the add friend option, somehow talking myself out of it every time. After the fifth or sixth time, I can't stop myself and I tap the button before I can talk myself out of it.
The request sends off and I exhale out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. God, it's just fucking Facebook, why does the thought of adding him to my friends list make my heart pound?
When another text comes through from Keith, I reluctantly close out of Danny's profile and return to my text messages, rolling onto my back so I can respond to whatever my teammate's sent me.
From: Keith
Just curious… what'd you think of the conversation last night on the balcony? About Danny and Kwan giving up dating until after high school?
From: Keith
Not that it's really any of my business but… don't you think that's a little soon to give up on dating? It's not like whoever they meet in high school automatically means they HAVE to keep dating through college and onward but… what do you think?
Honestly, hearing Danny say that he was done dating until he's in college tore at the tiny shred of hope I had of ever being with him. But hearing him talk about his ex-boyfriend just kinda solidified it for me. He's really not in a place to be dating. And as badly as I want to hold him in my arms and call him mine, it wouldn't be fair. Cause he doesn't want to be anyone's right now.
To: Keith
I think given everything Danny told us, it's understandable
Those words kill me to stare at and after a few seconds, I can't stomach looking at them anymore. I start to add something else but Keith beats me to it, sending off several texts rapid-fire before I have a chance to respond.
From: Keith
Okay, fine. Danny's got his reasons. But what about Kwan?
He told me about Jared so… I mean, I kind of get it
But it's still kinda early to give up, don't you think?
I scrub a hand down my face, waiting until his messages stop before I type out my response. Given the shit that went down with Jared, Kwan's reasoning is pretty understandable too. Paulina and I hooked up with other people all the time at parties but it never stung for me the way it did for Kwan. Probably cause Paulina and I knew we were a fucking train wreck together.
To: Keith
I guess. But whatever makes him happy is good enough for me
Kwan's been my best friend since we were kids and I mean what I send back to Keith. I really only want the best for Kwan and if giving up dating is what'll do it for him, that's fine with me.
From: Keith
But what if someone could make him happy?
It takes me a few seconds longer than it should but it finally fucking clicks why Keith was so argumentative on the balcony last night. And why he's texting me trying to figure out where my best friend's head is at in this whole mess.
To: Keith
Are you telling me you like Kwan?
From: Keith
WHAT
I never said that, I'm just concerned
Cause he deserves to be happy, I just want to make sure he knows he doesn't have to be alone to be happy, he just has to find the right person to be happy with
I'm almost choking over the laughter I'm trying to keep quiet so dad doesn't hear me. I don't know why it took me so fucking long to realize that Keith has a fucking crush on Kwan but it's so fucking obvious now. He likes Kwan, of course he likes Kwan.
To: Keith
Keith, you're a shit liar
From: Keith
I'm not lying!
I'm just looking out for him
I'm still quietly snickering over the pathetic responses he keeps sending me but I'm distracted when a notification from Facebook at the top of my screen stops me almost mid-snort.
Danny Fenton has accepted your friend request!
Shit, shit, shit, fucking shit. I didn't expect him to accept so soon. Fuck, he's gonna be able to see all the stupid shit I've posted in the past and everything my teammates put on my wall and anything Kwan decides to tag me in and-
I expel out a breath, quickly opening the Facebook app. Danny's profile loads as soon as I tap it and I quickly scroll through what I can see in his information now. Aside from telling me that he's a student at Casper High, his profile now boasts that he's a junior member of Amity Park Space Observers and links to the profile's of his family members.
Slightly disappointed at how sparsely he's filled out his information, I click on his wall just to check. Maybe he's posted about this weekend, who knows.
I'm fucking ashamed at how fast I freeze at the photo he was recently tagged in, less than three days ago. It's one that his friend Tucker shared and his caption is talking about how long it's been since he hung out with Danny in person but I can't focus on the nostalgia his friend is trying to inject his caption with. Cause in the photo Danny, Tucker, and the girl they used to hang out with – I think Danny said her name was Sam – are all in a pool somewhere, grinning up at whoever took the photo. And Danny's f-fucking shirtless.
The noise that leaves my mouth is awful and I run a hand down my face, trying to convince myself that I have no fucking right to want him this much. Fuck, he's too fucking cute… fuck, he really is. Shit, no, I shouldn't be focused on that right now. He literally just told me that he's not interested in dating again until college. My chance is pretty much gone. I need to stop thinking about him now.
I want to scroll down further on his wall and see everything that's been said to him recently but I close out of the app, mainly cause I'm afraid I'll pop a boner if I keep staring at that image. Studying his throat and collarbones and fuck.
Somehow, I resist opening the app again and try to focus on the texts Keith's sending me. But I can't, my mind is far from Keith and his inner crush revelation. If Danny's on to accept my friend request, that must mean his mom's finished lecturing him. Damn, sure took her long enough.
I have the sense to send Keith a text that's just the emoji with its tongue stuck out before I open up Danny's conversation instead. The last text I have from him is when I asked him come to meet me after the game. Staring at that message reminds me of how I felt when he stood between my knees and unknowingly stirred more than just butterflies in me.
Fucking chill out, you have no right to get a boner over a friend.
After a few seconds of hesitation, and making sure that I'm not about to get a hard-on just from staring at his fucking name, I slowly tap out a message to Danny. I second guess myself a shit ton of times, like always, but I eventually hit send.
To: Danny
You never texted me to tell me your mom was done with you ;p
I try to pretend that I'm not nervously watching for those three dots to appear on his end but… I'm fucking watching for those dots. Cause it'd mean he's typing back and I really hope he's able to talk for at least a few minutes.
Watching to see if he can talk is one thing but I'm fucking staring at the text I sent him for longer than I should be letting myself. It only takes me a couple of seconds to convince myself that I'm being pathetic and I reluctantly open the conversation with Keith instead.
From: Keith
I'm not lying!
I'm just looking out for him
Friends do that, you know that
To: Keith
;p
From: Keith
Shut up!
I'm his friend, we're just teammates, Dash.
Don't tell him about this conversation, okay?
Please?
C'mon, don't do this
Yes, okay? I like him a lot, is that such a surprise?
You're his best friend, you know how kind and interesting he is
Dash, please at least tell me this. Do you think I have any chance with him?
I feel more than a little guilty at ignoring his past messages. He sounds really freaked out. I know exactly the same things that are probably running through his head right now cause it's the way I'm thinking of Danny. Wish there was one of Danny's friends I could talk to and find out if I have even a fraction of a chance of being with Danny.
To: Keith
Relax, man, I won't tell Kwan anything
I don't think Kwan would give up dating for longer than a month or two cause that's just who is. But honestly, I don't know what he thinks of you. I can subtly try to feel out the situation for you
Keith doesn't respond immediately and I wonder if he's dropped off asleep already. It's not even ten yet but I'm sure he's exhausted. The day's probably been just as long for him as it has for me.
I try to type something else, offer up some kind of support but Danny's responded to my text and I'd be a fucking liar if I said I didn't completely abandon Keith's conversation to go to Danny's instead.
From: Danny
Yeah, sorry. She ran out of steam a while ago but my dad wanted to hear about my weekend and I had to plug up my phone to charge
I chew on my lower lip, trying to come up with a response that sounds cool without being too eager. As it is, I'm mentally counting the seconds in my head to gauge how long you're supposed to wait before you respond to a text message. A minute is still too eager but I can't make myself wait much past two.
To: Danny
Oh, cool. I thought your mom was mounting your head on the wall or smthn lmao
I've never been one to resort to chat speak but it makes me feel like I'm less invested in this conversation than I actually am. It makes me feel like my response is cool. Which it definitely isn't but that's not the point.
From: Danny
How's your night been since you got home?
Fuck. Why does a simple question about my day make me feel fucking filled with butterflies? They're not just in my stomach anymore, they've escaped and they're dancing inside my heart and through my veins – making me almost giddy as I type back.
To: Danny
Not bad. Just took a shower and crashed on my bed after
I tried to do some homework but my brain's dead
Keith responds to our conversation and I push down the part of myself that tells me I should check it. Instead, I continue chewing on my thumbnail and staring at Danny's conversation, waiting for a response.
Downstairs, I hear dad cut the television off and everything in me tenses up. I strain my ears to hear if he's gonna head up here or not. It's almost silent but I hold my breath, listening for the tell-tale creak of the stairs under his weight. It's quiet for five minutes or so and I take that as a good sign, relaxing back against my pillow.
From: Danny
Ahhh, you need your amazing tutor to come by tomorrow and help you? ;p
To: Danny
Maybe
Fuck, I want to invite him over tomorrow. Just let him into my bedroom and hang out with him. I know that as soon as we're alone, I'd find the bravery needed to plant kisses along his hairline and tell him that he's beautiful, regardless of how scarred he is.
But he is scarred. And as much as I want him over in my be- my room… I can't ask him to come around when I know that the awkward tension between us would only lead to him asking if I'm okay when I'm supposed to ask him that. Cause he's the one that's been dealing with all of his shit in secret. I've bitched to my teammates and Kwan more times than I can count. I thought I knew strength cause I was opening up but Danny… smiling and laughing with us at the beach and on this trip while suffering such a hard fucking pain. That's strength.
To: Danny
How about on Monday during our spares instead?
I close out of Danny's conversation and push out a breath. I want to ignore my phone for the rest of the night but I convince myself to open up Keith's text before I do.
From: Keith
Yeah, I'd appreciate that. Thanks, Dash
I'm not sure if I deserve that thanks or not. Cause I don't know what the fuck to tell Kwan and my mind's not really on Keith anymore. As much as I like my teammate, he's the least of my worries right now.
After a few seconds, I close out of the conversation with Keith, and I kill the sound on my phone before I slip it under my pillow. I can't think anymore. I just want to go to sleep and pretend that I'm not still listening for dad's footsteps or thinking about the phone call from mom. And I really wanna fucking pretend that I'm not wishing the pillow I'm clutching against my chest was Danny's body instead.
A/N:
Heeyyooo readers!
Sorry this took a while to get out there. I've been so beyond busy, it's crazy. Also Nanowrimo has started so I'm like fucking swamped. But I've written over 28k on this fic in the past eight days so that's something at least?
Anyway, welcome back to the angst! There's lots of fluff in this chapter to make up for the angst that Dash went through in last chapter. I felt like he deserved some little fluffy moments here and there because I put him through HELL in so many other chapters lmao
So our precious quarterback has now come out to a grand total of 4 people. If only he was out to Danny too, huh? Then everything would be okay… I mean not really cause poor Danny's not in a place to really date and because I'll never give these boys any kind of happiness. I mean…
Uhh hey, Dash has finally met Maddie Fenton! What do you think of that and of how she's acting with Danny? I'd love to hear any speculations you have, it's really fun to see what you guys are thinking
Also, Tatiana calls Dash cariño at one point which should translate to "sweetie." I hope that's correct but if not, don't sue me, I don't speak the language. I just really like having Tatiana call him pet names cause it's adorable
The title of this song comes from Story of My Life by One Direction. Technically, it's from the cover by Alexis Blue but you get the point. When I wrote this chapter, I knew that would be the perfect lyric for it cause it just fits so perfectly with the scene where Dash is driving around Amity Park while Danny sleeps
Anyway, that's all I really have to say for this chapter. Thanks so much for reading and be sure to let me know what you thought of this update in the comments and reviews! Or hit me up on tumblr, I really appreciate hearing from you guys. I hope you've enjoyed it!
Next chapter, look forward to Dash's birthday, REO Speedwagon, and a ghost plush... See you all next update!
