Chapter 68
Hermione had practiced what she was going to say and how she was going to say it. Draco would be angry and she was a little scared his anger would trigger him in some way, but she had her wand. She was prepared.
And then she'd explain the changing circumstances. They weren't always in love, and she had only recently figured out Kingsley wouldn't give him a pardon. She'd tell him that she understood, that he deserved to be angry and that she agreed with him. She knew it was wrong that she didn't tell him the truth about his father. He deserved to know.
And she'd apologize. She'd beg for forgiveness.
Draco would understand, wouldn't he?
But all her preparations flew out the window the minute he arrived. Hermione was overwhelmed with how much she missed him. Who even knew when she'd see him again? And there was going to be a raid. Before long, she was sitting astride his naked form on the bed.
Hermione lowered herself to capture his mouth with a pained whimper and she squeezed her eyes shut to stop the tears. She cradled the sides of his face, rubbing his cheek bones with her thumbs, and sighed into his mouth. Trembling as she kissed him, she wanted him to know that she loved him, that she was sorry, and that she was doing everything she could to make it right.
He cupped the back of her head, swallowing her pleas, perhaps thinking she was just worried about the upcoming raid. Hermione deepened the kiss, reaching out with her tongue, tracing the inside of his mouth while she ran her hands over his chest and shoulders. His hands slid up her skin, underneath the fabric of her camisole and pushed it up and over her head.
Draco stared up at her in wonder. She couldn't take it. He was looking at her as if she were some kind of goddess that could promise salvation. But his love and adoration was too much; she didn't deserve it.
His intense gaze trailed up and down her body and when the passion in his eyes met hers, he whispered, "I love you."
"I know," Hermione said with a quivering lip.
Draco furrowed his brow. He could tell something else was wrong. But Hermione didn't want to talk yet. She wanted him to have more time when he felt secure, adored and happy. When making love wouldn't be tainted by betrayal.
She wanted him to have one more time before… before…
Hermione was nervous. She didn't know how he'd react. She remembered the bruises leftover from their lovemaking, how he screamed at her to hurt him, how he restrained her wrists, bent over as the flat of his hand smacked her behind, and the way his lips twisted into a deranged smile as his fingers curled around her throat.
This betrayal was so much worse than simply going against his wishes, and she didn't know what he would do.
Before Draco could say anything, she got up on her knees and aligned his cock at her entry. He bit his bottom lip in anticipation and she sank down with a moan. He thrust upward to meet her and she rolled her hips and paused. For a few moments she simply sat with her knees spread, filled the hilt and enjoying his warm length inside her.
Hermione caressed the smooth skin of his abdominal muscles, watching goosebumps form in the wake of her fingers. His gaze locked onto hers and they continued in a slow, sensual push and pull, rocking rhythmically against each other.
Please, please, please… she begged silently, each time she tilted her pelvis into him. Please forgive me.
Hermione forced back tears, watching his eyes rake over her body, down to where he was inside her, over her stomach, her breasts and then back up to her face.
Please take this. Even though it's not enough.
They writhed against each other as a familiar heat spread between her legs. Would he even want her after she confessed?
Draco's palms rested on her waist before sliding up to cup her breasts. Stroking the skin lightly, his thumbs circled her nipples.
He reached out to touch her. Always coming to her, always so devoted. She placed her hands over his while he fondled her, wanting to keep his hands there. She tilted her head upward and arched her back.
Stay here with me.
Would he reject her? She didn't know.
Wanting to increase the contact with her clit, she leaned over him slightly, placing her hands on his chest to brace herself, rubbing against him with each thrust.
"Hermione." Her name was almost a prayer on his lips.
It wasn't right. She was failing him.
"Touch yourself. Let me watch."
Anything. She'd do anything for him.
Still leaning atop him, without breaking their rhythm, she reached between her legs to stroke her clit, knuckles grazing his pubic area. His gaze held her while she inserted her fingers where they were intimately joined, wetting them, and spreading her arousal around herself.
Hermione grunted as a sudden jolt of pleasure ran through her and his lips parted while he watched. She rubbed faster and his hands kneaded her breasts, tweaked her nipples, and then slid down her sides to cup her rear. Her climax was approaching and she rocked over him with her hair dangling down, brushing against his chest.
She slid back and forth faster along his length but he stilled her, fingers digging into her hips.
"Wait," Draco croaked. She stopped rubbing herself, panting, and looked down at him, concerned. "No," he rasped, "You keep going. I'll come too soon." His lips quirked upwards. "It's been a while."
She smiled and resumed circling her nub, holding herself taught with one hand on his chest. Fiery heat spread within and she clamped his torso with her thighs, whining as she strained forward, shaking.
Hermione jerked forward and heaved a breath, still throbbing below and he stared, grey eyes bright and entranced. The bursts of pleasure receded to tingles and she relaxed her hold on his chest.
After she came down, breathless, Draco moved her back and forth over his length again. Everything was slick with arousal and sweat and she slid against him, letting him guide her hips, watching as he approached his own orgasm.
Yes. Use me.
Draco's eyelids fluttered closed and his thighs stiffened underneath her, quivering slightly. Hermione didn't want it to end – she'd have to tell him. Maybe she could make his pleasure last longer. And so she stopped moving just as he was about to come. Draco's groan was agonized as he came close. He tried to push her back along his length but she dug her hands into his chest to still herself, squeezing his torso between her thighs again.
Draco opened his eyes, surprised. "Bitch," he panted with a smile. After a moment he said with a heavy breath, "Do it again."
Anything.
Hermione waited a few seconds until Draco's legs stopped shaking beneath her, and then she rocked on him again. His lips parted and his face flushed. Instead of pushing her back and forth along his length, he rested his hands on her thighs, letting her set the pace. She rode him and he canted his pelvis up to meet her. Watching his face closely, she saw his tongue peek out, his breaths come in short huffs as he bit his bottom lip, neck muscles straining. She waited until his thighs stiffened and shook before stopping.
Draco shuddered from the loss of his approaching orgasm. "Bloody fuck," he rasped. After a few pants he opened his eyes. "Again."
"You're sure?"
"I can take it."
"Can you?"
He lifted an eyebrow in challenge, as if Hermione were doubting his sexual prowess. But that's not what she meant. She didn't know if he could withstand the truth of her betrayal. If he'd be able to stay in control with the dark magic he was using. This war was taking so much from him, and he didn't have anyone he could rely on.
Not even her.
Draco breathed in heavily, looking as if he couldn't decide whether to continue or flip Hermione onto her back and ram into her. His loud exhalations tempered slightly and she started riding him again, almost immediately wrenching a desperate cry from his throat. His muscles tensed and he turned his head to the side, face contorted in agonized pleasure, blond hair damp with sweat. She rolled her hips and his pelvis jerked upwards as he released a pained grunt. Digging his fingers into her thighs, his arms shuddered and he whimpered. She slid back and forth and he exhaled sharply through his teeth, eyes squeezed shut.
Hermione undulated on top of him and his whole body trembled with strain. His fingers hurt where they pressed into her flesh but she kept moving, and then stopped again once he was on the verge of coming.
Draco winced, pressed the side of his face into the pillow and his whole body spasmed, jostling her upwards. He cried out and released her hips to grab at the sheets, his knuckles white. It almost sounded like he was hurt. Was he?
Head still turned to the side, he gritted his teeth. She made to move again but he stopped her.
"Not yet," he gasped.
She waited while his shaking subsided, and he heaved a breath of air. After a few moments to collect himself, he turned his head and opened his eyes to stare at her, face flushed with exertion. Her chest tightened in dread, he couldn't take much more of this and she'd have to confess. Slowly, he un-fisted the sheets and ran his hands up her thighs. She gave him another few moments to recover before clenching around him and sliding back down his length, preparing to ride him again.
Draco squeezed his eyes shut before hurling out a series of expletives with increasing volume. His whole body jerked and he pulled her forward, tight against his pelvis. She winced as his fingers dug into the flesh of her arse. He pushed his chin to the ceiling and Hermione watched, fascinated, as the cords of his neck strained through his skin. His muscles flexed and his whole body quaked with spasm after spasm. He bucked up with a whining grunt and she fell forward, covering his chest with her body.
Draco's cock pulsed with each burst of hot seed and she clung to him, wanting to feel as much of his body as she could. Holding back her tears, she waited while huffs of hot air blew against her neck. He shuddered, heaved another breath and slowly released her, head still tilted back in ecstasy.
With a groan, he lay an arm over his forehead and Hermione watched his breathing slowly even out. His chest was covered with a sheen of sweat and his eyes were still closed. She'd never seen him come like that. His orgasm looked as painful as it was pleasurable. After he calmed down somewhat, she brushed his lips with hers.
"Have you ever done that before?"
"Never," Draco replied with a quirk of his lips, eyes still closed.
"Are you okay?" Hermione asked, concerned.
"Yeah. That was…" His grin widened. "I feel like jelly."
She loved him so much, she'd do it all over again if he wanted, and peppered his mouth and jaw with light kisses. He was still smiling with a post-coital afterglow.
"Hermione?"
"Hmmm?"
"Stop moving," Draco mumbled into her lips as they travelled over his face. "C'mere."
Hermione nestled into his side and watched him breathe with a contented smile on his face.
She felt awful. Her throat was thick with unshed tears and she tried unsuccessfully to swallow them.
Feeling sick with anxiety, she reached her wand, and held it at her side so he wouldn't see.
It was time. It was time. It was time.
She had to tell Draco. She couldn't delay it anymore.
Summoning her courage, she tried to mentally prepare herself. Hermione loved him and couldn't keep lying to him like this. She was doing the right thing.
Her stomach lurched violently. She was going to retch.
"Draco, I have something to tell you."
His eyes snapped open and he glared at her. "You're going on some ridiculously dangerous mission for no reason again?"
"No." Hermione took a deep breath to steady herself, closed her eyes and then opened them to look into Draco's wary greys. "There…"
She had a whole speech planned, and couldn't remember a word of it.
Fuck.
The words spilled out.
"There won't be a pardon for your father."
He sat up abruptly, and she winced as the motion pulled on her hair. "What?"
Hermione swallowed nervously, there was no going back now. This was it. "Your father won't get a pardon. He'll have to go through the Wizengamot with the others."
"But… then…" Draco glanced to the side, as if searching for something. "Then he'll go to Azkaban."
"Probably." She cleared her throat, no use in sugar coating it. "Yes."
Agitated, he ran a hand through his hair. "Is this because I haven't demonstrated trust?"
She propped herself up and curled her fingers around her wand. Draco shifted his gaze to her hand and back up to her face, suspicious now.
"No. You have."
"Then…" He studied her, and then his eye twitched. "He was never going to get one, was he?"
Eyes starting to burn with tears, she shook her head silently.
He narrowed his eyes to slits. "You knew."
Heart beating furiously in her chest, she tightened the grip on her wand. "Yes."
"Since when?"
"Since the beginning."
Draco flinched, like he'd been slapped in the face. Hermione thought he'd be angry, but he stared out the window, and she couldn't see his expression.
"I never wanted to lie to you," she protested. "But we couldn't take the chance that you'd stop spying. You were critical to the war effort. You still are." She swallowed nervously. "Your mother will get one," she continued, trying to ease the pain of the blow. "But… but…" She couldn't get the rest out.
Slowly, he turned his head to glare at her and the blood froze in her veins. His eyes were cold and cruel, like when he tortured her in his house. He was a completely different person. "But. What?"
"I've… I've…" She couldn't stop stammering, and just blurted the rest out. "I've recently found out they won't give you one either. But I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to–"
"The fuck?" he cut her off with a yell and she jumped, wand at her side, ready if needed. "Trapped in this war and then trapped in a cell? So I've been endangering myself and my parents for nothing?"
Apprehensive, she reached out for his hand, but he yanked it away and she grimaced. "Do you really believe it's for nothing, Draco?"
He flared his nostrils. "You lied to me."
"You lied to me too," she reminded him. "And I forgave you. I understood."
He stared down at her hand resting on his thigh. For a moment she thought the conversation might change direction. But then he shook her hand off his leg.
His refusal of her touch stung badly.
"You used me."
"You used me, too."
"Oh fuck you, Hermione," he bit out, and she winced. "I didn't once I loved you. And I sure as fuck didn't use you the way you used me. I was desperate to leave! You knew that!" She blinked back tears. It was true. "Maybe we would have figured out how to leave if not for you."
Her tears started to fall and he sneered at them. "But I didn't know they wouldn't give you a–"
"You knew I needed the pardon for my father so I could convince him to leave," he cut her off. Everything he said was true. "All I ever wanted was for my family to get out," he spat at her. "I stayed for that pardon and you knew what it cost me."
He tore the blanket off his legs. Desperately, she wiped her tears and reached out to him but he hopped off the bed, away from her.
"You watched while I became a fucking experiment," he continued, summoning his trousers. Panicked, she realized he would leave if she didn't do something. "It doesn't matter how critical I am. I'm doing the dirty work of your fucking Order just so you can wash your hands of me when this is done."
That's exactly what Kingsley was doing. But she wouldn't. She wouldn't abandon him.
"No! That's not true!" Hermione got up on her knees and crawled on the bed over to him. "Draco, I'm not abandoning you. I told you, it's just you and me. I didn't lie about that. I'm here with you, I'm trying to–"
"You knew!" his voice rose to a roar. "The things I did to…" He pressed his fists into his eyes and cried out. "I– I murdered people! I tore myself apart, Hermione!"
It was all true, and his agonized cry cut her deeply. Her chest ached from the pain she caused him and tears streamed down her face. "But you don't understand!" she choked out. "I'm trying–"
"How can you claim to love someone and then watch while they slowly destroy themselves?" He threw his hands out towards her. "And you didn't tell me?" He sucked in a breath, glowering at her. "The timing of your confession is a bit convenient isn't it? After what you did now? Did you plan that too?"
Draco made her sound terribly Machiavellian. She was. But it counted for something that she was telling him now, didn't it?
"It seemed safer to tell you tonight," she explained, wiping the tears off her cheek. "You're not… your eyes aren't dark. And we have time to talk it out. Please stay?" She knew she was begging him. She didn't care. "I didn't want to continue lying. I know I was wrong, and I'm so sorry. I'm trying to make it right. I love you."
He stared down at her in silence, infuriated.
"You don't understand; I've been trying–"
"Oh, I understand perfectly," Draco pulled his trousers up over his bum and buttoned them. "I'm just as expendable to the Order as I am to the Dark Lord."
She winced. He was right. "Once you got what you wanted you wouldn't have stayed," she protested. "You said so yourself. We would have lost; we would have died!"
"That was before, Hermione."
"Yes!" she exclaimed, hopeful now that they agreed on something. "And you've changed! So I'm telling you now! I should have told you sooner, I know that!"
"So why didn't you?"
"I…" her voice faltered. "I wasn't sure you'd stay to spy, you wanted to come to the Order."
He narrowed his eyes at her.
"You don't get to decide. If I wanted to be manipulated by people who love me, I'd go to my parents," he spat out.
"But I changed my mind! I wanted to tell you! I did! I just, I put it off – you were tortured remember? I couldn't tell you then! I know I should have! And after that I was scared. When your eyes were dark! And I'd hoped that when I told you I'd have a way–"
"A way to what?" he cut her off impatiently.
"To force the person to give you a pardon!"
"And why won't they?"
Her throat caught on the answer. It was terrible to say it aloud. "Post-war politics."
He stared at her, wide eyed, and then burst out laughing. She watched in horror as he bent over, shoulders shaking, but completely devoid of humor. It was worse than his anger.
"The sodding Order," he stuttered with his mirthless laughter, "is just as fucking corrupt as those shitstains at the–"
"No! It's just one person, Draco! And I'm trying to fix it!"
"It's always the same, isn't it? Nothing we do matters."
"A oppressive government under You-Know-Who is completely different from–"
"Don't," he said, cutting her off.
His voice was cold now. Unfeeling. Hermione almost preferred the dangerous unpredictable anger and darkened eyes. She reached out for his hand, but he pulled it away, refusing to look at her.
"Draco, I–"
"I don't want to hear it," he said, pulling his T-shirt over his head he yanked the fabric down across his chest and grabbed his wand, glaring at her.
Hermione stepped off the bed, holding the sheet to cover her breasts with a rising sense of panic.
Draco was leaving. He wouldn't stay.
"Wait, Draco." She nearly cringed at how desperate she sounded. "Please stay, I'm trying to fix this!"
"You're trying? It's pointless! I'd say that you're fucking naïve but you're too manipulative for that. You should have been sorted into Slytherin."
Desperate, Hermione reached out to him again but he pulled back with a look of disgust.
"Wait, Draco–" she pleaded.
She winced from the crack of Disapparition.
Fuck.
ooooooooooooooo
"What were you thinking?" Tonks hissed at her. "And now of all times? Right before a raid?"
"He would never hurt our cause!" Hermione shot back.
"You don't know that," Tonks retorted angrily. "You said yourself he's getting more unhinged."
Hermione bit her lip and closed her eyes. She had been dreading this conversation with Tonks and it was every bit as painful as she thought it would be. Maybe Tonks was right. Did she make a mistake? Did she endanger everyone over her need to be honest with Draco?
No, he would never do that. He'd changed, and had endangered himself repeatedly for her, and for the Order by actively fighting and volunteering information. Tonks was wrong.
But Draco had been ignoring her pleas to talk throughout the day. She didn't know what he was thinking now.
"If you and Remus backed me up on the pardon," she continued in a wavering voice, "we could have voted and forced Kingsley to make the vow."
"And once he had the vow, what would Draco have done?" Tonks asked, eyes flashing in anger. "Would he have stayed to spy?"
"Yes," Hermione replied stubbornly, even though she wasn't sure now, after what just happened.
"He wanted to leave, he told you that himself. Stop making excuses, you're better than that."
"But he would have come fight with us. He offered."
"He's critical as a spy, we don't need another foot soldier."
Hermione's jaw dropped. Hermione had already suspected Kingsley thought this as well before she discovered his political ambitions. But Tonks was right. It was horrific, but she was right. Hermione agreed with her rationale, but she was convinced Draco would have stayed to spy anyway.
"You know as well as I do that you'd be outvoted on that vow." Hermione stared at the table, utterly defeated. "Maybe Minerva would have agreed with you but one word about Draco killing children from Kingsley and you wouldn't have had her vote either."
Hermione already knew that, but it didn't matter anymore
"But he deserves a pardon when this is over!" she insisted, slamming her hand on the table. "None of this is right!"
"That's an entirely different question, Hermione. And it doesn't matter that I agree with you. You made a big fucking mistake."
Hermione hung her head, chastened by the tongue lashing.
"I should have replaced you," Tonks continued, furious. "To hell with the secrecy of your mission. I could have replaced you with Harry or Ron."
"Draco wouldn't have–"
"Shut it!" Tonks yelled at her and then glanced down at Teddy, still nursing contentedly through the Silencing Charm placed on his wrap.
Hermione clamped her mouth shut. She didn't have the right to protest. She didn't have a right to say anything. She felt more ashamed and disappointed in herself than she had been in her entire life. She thought she was doing the right thing. Draco was putting himself through hell and back for her and for the Order. He deserved to know that things weren't going to turn out the way he had hoped.
"I stayed for that pardon and you knew what it cost me."
His cold, angry words still echoed in her ears. Hermione knew Draco had been clinging to the pardon despite not mentioning it in a while, but she hadn't thought he would abandon them over it.
No. Tonks was wrong. He was angry, but he wouldn't betray them. He wouldn't abandon them. And yet, a twinge of doubt asked, Would he?
Tonks had a point about Draco getting more unhinged, and Hermione had just made it worse. He needed the light at the end of the tunnel. He needed something – someone – to show him the way out of the darkness he lived with, a promise that things would be better. She had essentially just told him that after everything, after all he suffered, after all he put himself through, he may only have a cold cell in Azkaban to look forward to for several years.
What would that do to him?
Tonks was still cursing under her breath while shifting Teddy from one breast to the other. "I knew I should have removed you when I saw you were falling for him."
Hermione felt terrible. Her attempt to fix her betrayal of Draco had backfired horribly now she endangered the Order.
The clock was ticking. It was just a matter of time before Voldemort's Army hit. The Death Eaters were coming to the ware house, to all the safe houses. Any day now, at any time. They were coming. All at once.
Unless…
Hermione's eyes widened. "Tonks."
She snapped her eyes up from Teddy, furious.
"What if we blow up the safe houses? We can't go back to any of them anyway."
Tonks stared at her silently before speaking. "What if the raid happens before we can evacuate properly? How do you keep from killing one of us in the process?"
"Once a safe house roster checks out at the camp site, we trigger it. If we don't get a full roster, we don't set it off."
Tonks stared at her and flared her nostrils. "That's fucking brilliant," she muttered. Her jaw clenched, still angry. "Depending on how many of them are in the safe house at the time they blow, that would be a hell of a payoff." Tonks furrowed her brow in thought. "They'd have to be electronic explosives. Triggered remotely."
"Yes."
"We can get away with electronics once and only once," Tonks mumbling to herself, considering Hermione's idea. "When they understand what's happened, they'll use anti-electricity charms every time they attack with the anti-Apparition wards. Next time we use explosives it'll have to be non-electronic." She looked up after concluding her thoughts. "But we'll take a huge chunk out of their army. It's worth it."
Hermione nodded in agreement, slightly relieved now that Tonks' wrath had subsided at the thought of turning the Order's devastating predicament in their favor. She watched as Tonks shifted Teddy to her shoulder, patting him. He burped.
"We shouldn't do the infirmary though," Hermione added, biting her lip. "In case it's not attacked. It took too long to build up."
"Or Pinner," Tonks agreed, rubbing Teddy's back. "If they rescue the prisoners, then so be it. We can't hold them at the camp site anyway. And Justin wasn't the Secret Keeper for those locations."
Hermione watched the Auror as she raced through the details of Hermione's idea. Apprehensive, Hermione asked, "Are we good now?"
"No, we are not fucking good now." Tonks glowered at her. "Having a good idea doesn't change the fact that you endangered everyone. And Draco."
Hermione looked down at the table, ashamed. She heard an audible sigh and glanced up.
"Go fetch Lavender and Dean. We don't know how much time we have."
Tonks was done chastising her. But there was a problem with the plan.
Draco.
The older witch must have known exactly where Hermione's thoughts strayed to, and her features softened.
"You can warn him, but only once the Caterwauling alarms go off."
All the blood drained from Hermione's face.
"Why not now?"
"If you tell Draco any earlier than that, you'll put him in the position of having to warn his friends and his father. We've learned enough about him to know that he will. And then what?" Teddy burped again, and Tonks vanished the spit up on her shoulder. "He'll compromise himself, put his friends and father in danger, we'll lose our chance to leverage the electronic explosives and they'll know we knew about the raid. We'll be even more fucked than we are now and You-Know-Who will torture him to death."
Hermione wished she'd never thought of using explosives. She felt a claw slowly closing around her lungs and it became hard to breathe. Draco might get blown up in the raid. She had to take it back. They couldn't–
Her wand whipped out of her hand and Tonks caught it effortlessly while still pinning Teddy to her shoulder.
Her voice lowered. "Do I need to Obliviate you?"
"Tonks!" Hermione protested, horrified. "You can't! He's one of us! You can't treat him like that! You have to pull him out! If it were Harry, you'd pull him out!"
"If it were Harry I could pull him out. Would Draco even come without his parents?"
Tears started to pool in her eyes. "But with the vow–"
"Fuck the vow Hermione!" Tonks spat. "It's not going to happen! Will he come without his parents?"
"No," she sobbed. "No, he won't."
"So I can't pull him out." Tonks pointed her wand at Hermione's head. "Draco or the Order, Hermione. Choose."
She stared at the tip of Tonks wand, and then at the hard eyes focused on her. Hermione's blood pounded in her ears as the seconds ticked by. "If it were Remus or Teddy, what would you do?"
Tonks expression softened again. "If that were the case, then I'd be compromised, and probably wouldn't be able to do my job. I'm not in your position, but I'm currently in this one, and I take no pleasure in it." She shifted her grip, ready to Obliviate Hermione. "Choose."
She swallowed, and met Tonks penetrating stare. Even thought it was an impossible decision, Hermione already knew her choice. It had never changed. And Draco knew it too.
"The Order," she choked out.
Tonks studied her for a few moments before returning her wand. "Alright." Hermione wiped the tears from her face with her sleeve. "I am sorry, Hermione. I should have replaced you."
"Go to hell, Tonks."
She grabbed her wand and stalked out, slamming the kitchen door behind her as more tears streamed down her face.
Next chapter: Shit? Meet fan
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