An icy wind whistled through the stands, buffeting the players as they dodged and dove, high above the Quidditch pitch. Maddy shivered. From where she sat, it was impossible to tell them apart. They were seven shapes dressed in flapping blue robes, woollen hats pulled low over their ears, scarves bound around their faces to protect them from the cold.
Freezing droplets stung Maddy's cheeks. She tugged the hood of her winter cloak forward to hide her face. No one in their right mind would be out in such weather, just to watch Quidditch practice. But, Maddy reflected, she had not been in her right mind for weeks, and she might not get a better chance than this.
When at last the captain called out the end of the exercise, Maddy climbed down from her perch, and stationed herself near the exit to the Ravenclaw changing room, trying to look as if she just happened to be out for a stroll by herself on a chilly Saturday morning.
The players emerged in twos and threes. Their captain came last - a stocky, brown-skinned girl, with hair cut shorter than Maddy considered proper or fashionable.
"Hey. Patil," Maddy said in a loud whisper.
Indira Patil halted, looking wary. "What do you want?"
The rest of the team continued up toward the castle, not noticing they had left their captain behind. That was a relief.
"I just want to talk," said Maddy. "Privately."
"What about?"
"You're a lesbo, aren't you?"
"Piss off," said Indira, turning back onto the path toward the castle.
Maddy hurried to catch up with her. "I didn't mean it like that. You are, though, aren't you?"
"What I am is none of your fucking business."
"Please," Maddy gritted her teeth. It was so hard to say. "I need help."
Indira stopped, giving her a closer look. "You've a funny way of asking for it."
"I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important," mumbled Maddy, not meeting her eyes.
"You're Ravenna Corbet's friend, aren't you? The Slytherin one?"
"She's my cousin."
"She's a gossip," said Indira flatly. "I suppose she's the one who's been talking about me?"
Maddy shrugged. "Maybe. I don't remember."
"So what's your problem?"
"It's ... personal."
Indira rolled her eyes. "I gathered. Have you been having feelings about girls, or something? Just snog one. I'm sure you'll figure it out."
"It's not that," said Maddy. "Someone put a hex on me. A boy. I thought maybe you would know what to do about it."
"Ah." Indira's expression changed. She turned and began walking again. "C'mon. We can talk in my dormitory."
Maddy kept her hood up even after the castle doors closed behind them, though there was no one in the entrance hall to see them. It was past breakfast, and too early for lunch. She cast furtive glances at each landing, as they climbed the great staircase toward Ravenclaw Tower.
"Ashamed to be seen with me?" Indira asked drily.
"I just don't want anyone thinking I'm ... you know," mumbled Maddy.
"A lesbian," Indira finished for her. "It's a proper word; you can say it."
"Well, I'm not," said Maddy.
"That's your business," said Indira.
A dozen or so people lounged in the Ravenclaw common room, huddled close to the large fireplace, reading or playing Gobstones. Maddy was relieved to note that Ravenna was not among them. Maddy kept her head down. Perhaps she could get through this without being recognised.
Indira halted near the top of the spiral staircase that encircled the tower, and stuck her head in at a door with a large bronze 6 tacked to the wood.
"There's no one else here," she told Maddy, opening it wider and standing aside.
Unlike the Slytherin dormitories, this room was round. Five beds with blue velvet hangings were arranged around it, with their headboards against the wall, and their feet pointed toward the centre of the room.
They hung their damp cloaks on hooks beside the door. Indira untied a brightly-striped stocking from a bedpost, and wrapped it around the room's outer doorknob.
"This way, my roommates will know we don't want to be disturbed," she explained, closing the door.
Maddy stared at her, scandalised. "Your roommates just let you have girls over?"
"We have an understanding," said Indira tartly. "Not everyone's as uptight as you Slytherins."
"I'm not uptight," grumbled Maddy.
"Of course not," said Indira, kicking off her shoes and gesturing for Maddy to sit down with her on one of the beds. "Do you have a name?"
"Maddy." If Indira did not know her surname, that was all to the good.
"All right, Maddy. Tell me about this hex."
"First you have to swear you won't breathe a word to anyone," Maddy said belligerently.
Indira held up her hand. "I swear not to tell. Is that good enough, or do you need an Unbreakable Vow?"
"It's fine."
Maddy reluctantly explained the particulars of the runic charm, without giving too many details of how it had come about, or mentioning Rabastan's name.
Indira's scowl deepened as Maddy spoke. "That's disgusting," she spat, when Maddy had finished.
"You're the lesbo," Maddy snapped.
"Lesbian," Indira corrected her. "And if you want my help, you might try not insulting me. I wasn't calling you disgusting. I meant the hex."
"Oh. Sorry," said Maddy, embarrassed. "I just thought you might know of another way to break it, since you do things with girls."
Indira frowned. "I'm not sure. I don't take Ancient Runes, so I can't help you with that part of it. Tell me what you've tried so far."
Maddy explained about everything from the cold water soaks to the numbing charm to the candle, her cheeks flushing redder and redder as she spoke. "I don't know what else to do," she finished. "It's like an itch that won't stop, no matter how much I scratch it."
"Trust a bloke to come up with a spell that can only be broken by a penis," Indira said scathingly.
"A - what?" said Maddy, bewildered.
"A cock. A prick," Indira clarified, waggling a finger in demonstration. "The proper word is 'penis'."
"It sounds silly," said Maddy. "My mum always called it a staff or a wand."
Indira rolled her eyes again. "It is silly. Men love for us to believe that their penises are magical, and that women are forever changed by them. Even muggle men. It's bollocks. Having a one in you doesn't change who you are. The whole idea of virginity is nonsense."
"But - can't they tell if a girl has done it before?"
"You think they know more about our bodies than we do?" Indira scoffed. "They don't even know where the hymen is, let alone whether it changes after a girl has had penetrative sex."
Maddy frowned in confusion. Indira was using a lot of unfamiliar terms, and she did not want to seem ignorant.
"But do you think doing it with a girl would count to break the hex?"
Indira's eyes narrowed. "Is that why you're here? You want me to have sex with you?"
Maddy hunched her shoulders. "I'd do anything to break it, at this point."
"Clearly that's not true," said Indira. "Otherwise you would have already had sex with the bloke who did this to you."
"Never," said Maddy, disgusted.
"So nice to know that at least you prefer a 'lesbo' to a rapist," said Indira, with grim humour.
"He didn't - he's not - it wasn't like that!" Maddy flailed in confusion.
"Wasn't it? Why not?"
"Because we liked each other!" Maddy exclaimed. "We were going to be betrothed!"
"He tried to magically force you to have sex with him, when you had told him you didn't want to," Indira pointed out. "I'm guessing he probably pressured you in other ways, too, and ignored your boundaries. That's what rapists do. Just because you liked him, and maybe did some other things with him, doesn't give him the right to do whatever he wants to you. Someone who likes and respects you would care about what you want or don't want."
Maddy's shoulders slumped. "I just wanted him to like me. I know I shouldn't have led him on."
"It wasn't your fault," said Indira, her tone kinder than it had been before. "It's normal to have feelings, and to want to do things with people. But you have a right to set boundaries, and decide what you're comfortable with and what you're not. If he took advantage of those feelings, he's to blame, not you."
"You don't think I'm a slut?"
"I think that's a nasty, judgmental word for someone who is curious, or who likes doing things that feel good. It's a word that's used to control women, and make them behave in a particular way, whether they want to or not."
"I never thought about it that way," Maddy admitted. "So, um, do you think we should try ...?"
She had not been attracted to Indira at first, but she found the girl's knowledge and confidence appealing. It was a relief talking to someone who did not think Maddy was at fault for the things Rabastan had done to her. The more Indira talked, the more Maddy felt drawn to her. She suspected Indira knew a lot about sex, and was probably very good at it.
Indira laughed. "Have you ever done it with a girl before?"
"Yes," said Maddy defiantly.
That surprised Indira. She gave Maddy a more considering look. "Did you like it?"
Maddy plucked at the bedspread. "At the time. But it turned out she was just trying to get me to go along with what R- with what my boyfriend wanted."
Indira gave a low whistle. "Helga's tits! You are in a mess, aren't you?"
"You don't have to tell me," said Maddy grumpily.
"I don't think us having sex would solve your problem, if using a candle as a dildo didn't work," said Indira. "The hex was designed by a bloke, to be broken by a penis. You're just lucky he wasn't able to specify that it had to be his penis. There are blokes in the world who aren't terrible. You may need to find one of them to help you."
"But if I let a boy do that to me, I won't be pure anymore, and I'll never be able to make a decent pure-blood marriage."
Indira made a face. "First of all, like I said, sexual purity is bollocks. Men can't actually tell if a woman has had sex before or not. Secondly, blood purity is bollocks. Pure-bloods aren't inherently better than anyone else. I'm guessing it was pure-bloods who did this to you? Thirdly, if you really want to get married someday, you'll be happier if you find someone who's a decent person than someone with a socially-approved pedigree. And finally, someone who really loves you won't care if you've had sex before or not."
"You're a pure-blood, aren't you?" asked Maddy. "Is that how your family feels about it?"
"It doesn't matter what they think," said Indira. "They're not getting a pure-blood marriage out of me."
"Well, my mother is probably going to pick someone for me," said Maddy. "And I'm probably going to go along with it. He can't be any worse than the bloke I picked."
"Probably not," Indira relented. "My brother had an arranged marriage, and they seem happy with each other. Sometimes those things work out. But whatever you decide to do about that, you'll have to resolve this hex first. If you don't, it will drive you mad."
"I know," said Maddy. "But besides all the rest, if I give in and do it with a boy to break the hex, it feels like letting the bloke who hexed me win, somehow. It's not fair."
"No," said Indira. "It's not fair. If you're a woman, even if you're a pure-blood, you're automatically treated as inferior. You have to fight like hell to be taken seriously. Your abilities are always secondary to what you look like. If you try to make yourself look good, people will say you're shallow, and looks are all you care about. But if you don't, they'll say you're letting yourself go, and you don't care about how you present yourself. If you want to get married and have children, they'll say you have no real ambition, but if you don't want to, they'll say you're selfish and cold. If you like men, and you act like it, they'll call you a slut. If you reject a man's advances, they'll call you a frigid bitch. If a man forces himself on you, they'll say you provoked him somehow, and he couldn't help himself. And Merlin help you if you decide you prefer the company of women."
Maddy stared at her, appalled. "Then what am I supposed to do?"
Indira shrugged. "Just because it's unfair doesn't mean you're powerless. If we keep treating men and pure-bloods like authority figures, and letting them make the rules, even when they do terrible things, we're just propping up the same old unfair systems, and giving them our power. It's up to us to be the revolution. Change only happens when people start asking questions and making new rules and doing things differently."
Maddy realised her palms were sweating and her heart was pounding with excitement, almost as if Indira had kissed her.
"I want to change things! What can I do?"
Indira gave her a sceptical look. "You have to start by changing yourself. The way you think. What matters to you. Worry less about what people think of you, and more about what you can do to help others, no matter who they are, and be willing to stand up for them when they are treated unfairly. It's called 'solidarity'. I stand up for you, and trust you to stand up for me, so that we both get what we need. Do you see?"
Maddy nodded.
"Things like blood purity only mean as much as we let them," Indira continued. "The more kinds of people you accept as equals, the more fair you make the world, and the more opportunities you'll have to love and be loved. You have to decide what really matters to you. Keep your options open."
"I guess that makes sense," said Maddy.
"Think about it," Indira advised. "If you can't win under their rules, you might as well do what you want, and try to be happy. Have sex if you want to, with a boy, or a girl, or whoever. Or don't. Sex is just a thing people do sometimes because they enjoy it; it doesn't change who you are. But if you do decide to have sex, go talk to Madam Pomfrey first. She can show you how to brew a contraceptive potion."
Maddy frowned. "Contra-what?"
"Contraceptive," repeated Indira. "A potion to keep you from getting pregnant."
"She won't tell my mum? Or my head of house?" asked Maddy, eyes wide.
Indira shook her head. "She would rather students were safe, than too afraid to talk to her about their health. And if you do accidentally get pregnant, and you don't want to stay that way, she can help you with that, too. She helped a friend of mine last year."
"Just like that?" Maddy whispered, wide-eyed.
Her mind was reeling. She had always considered sex and pregnancy and her reputation to be life-or-death matters, but if Indira could be believed, people were dealing with such things quietly and matter-of-factly all around her every day, and going about their lives, none the worse for their experiences.
"Just like that," affirmed Indira. "I don't know what else to tell you, except that you're probably better off not planning your life around a man. I'm not saying you should avoid them, or you shouldn't get married someday if you want to, but they're not always very reliable. It's good to have a backup plan. Being able to take care of yourself is empowering, and it will give you more options in the long run."
Maddy looked away. "I don't know what else I'm good at. I always just assumed I'd get married to someone from a good background, and he would love me if I was loyal and pretty and gave him children. I suppose you think that's silly."
"I don't know about silly," said Indira, "but I don't think that's a guaranteed recipe for happiness. If I were you, I'd try to find someone who cares about the things I care about, and wants me to be happy."
"I guess that makes sense," said Maddy dubiously.
She could not imagine a man or boy caring about her thoughts or interests or feelings. The idea seemed laughable.
"Hang on a mo," said Indira. "I've got something that might help."
She slid off the bed, and went to rummage in the trunk that stood at the foot. A moment later Indira emerged, beaming triumphantly, clutching a book. It was well-worn and cheaply-bound, with several loose pages sticking out at odd angles. She presented it to Maddy.
"Our Magical Bodies," Maddy read from the cover.
"It has loads of good information," said Indira. "You can keep it. It might not have all the answers you're looking for, but it can't hurt."
"Really?"
"Sure. I can always get another."
Maddy put her cloak back on, tucking the book inside it, and pulled her hood up, as Indira retrieved the striped stocking from the doorknob.
"Good luck," said Indira, leaning against the door jamb, arms crossed under her breasts. "I hope you figure out a way to solve your problem that you're OK with."
"Thanks," said Maddy awkwardly. "For the book, and for everything."
She hesitated, unsure how to take her leave. Up close, Indira was prettier than Maddy had originally thought. Her hairstyle did not seem so unflattering anymore. Or perhaps it was only that she was familiar now. Maddy wondered what it would be like to kiss her, and to do other things with her. How nice it would feel to touch and be touched by someone who understood her body, without any pressure to do things she did not want to do.
"Um, maybe once I've figured things out, we could ... meet up sometime?" Maddy suggested shyly.
Indira's brow furrowed. "What do you mean, 'meet up'?"
Maddy shuffled her feet, not looking at her. "You know ..."
"No offence meant, but you're not really my type."
Maddy scowled. "What's your problem? You like girls, don't you?"
"I don't have a problem, Maddy; you do."
"I said after -"
"That's not what I meant," said Indira. "Would you have asked for my help if I'd been a half-blood, or muggleborn?"
Whatever Indira saw in Maddy's startled expression seemed to confirm her suspicions.
"That's why," she continued. "Because I would have helped you, no matter what, for the sake of sisterhood, because no one deserves what that bloke did to you. I'd've helped if you'd been a muggle or a goblin or anyone. That's what 'solidarity' means. But you wouldn't even have spoken to me if you didn't think I had 'pure' blood. So maybe think about that. It wasn't a half-blood or muggleborn who did this to you. Goodbye, Maddy. Good luck."
She closed the door, leaving Maddy standing, speechless, on the stairs.
Maddy lay on her belly under the covers, wandlight illuminating the cheaply-printed pages, propped up against her pillow. Now and then, she paused to squint at a diagram, or to silently sound out an unfamiliar word. The subject matter was interesting enough to distract her somewhat from the effects of the hex.
There were sections on virginity, masturbation, sex, venereal disease, and pregnancy. There were also anatomical diagrams, and a chapter on spells and potions involving menstrual blood, which Maddy knew was illegal blood magic. She did not agree with everything the book said, but she had to admit that it made some interesting points.
By the time the last of her roommates' whispered conversations subsided into snores, Maddy had learned the proper names for all her parts, including the hymen and the clitoris (though she was still not certain how to pronounce it), and what they did. The knowledge gave her a feeling of control over her own body and destiny, for the first time since Rabastan had put his hex on her - perhaps for the first time ever.
Struck by the desire to explore her newfound knowledge, Maddy summoned her powder compact, and shed her underwear. Holding the mirror and her lit wand awkwardly between her legs, she peered in fascination at the sight they revealed. With careful fingers, she touched each part in turn, whispering their names.
Now that she knew what and where the hymen was, Maddy realised that if she were going to experience pain and bleeding, it likely would have happened the first time Rabastan put his prick part-way inside her, or even before that, when he had roughly fingered her. Did that mean she was not truly pure anymore? Or was Indira Patil right about sexual purity being made-up nonsense?
The book made a compelling argument that powerful men had conspired to create a system designed to control women's bodies, and put them under the ownership of men. The book called it 'the Patriarchy', which sounded very sinister to Maddy. The more she thought about it, the less sense it made to assume that men knew best, and deserved to be listened to and respected, just because they were men.
Maddy pushed the book under her pillow, and set aside her wand and compact on the nightstand. Her reading, and her conversation with Indira, had given her a lot to think about.
She wondered what would happen if she brought the book to Myrtle's bathroom and showed it to her friends. Perhaps they would be just as amazed and excited about its ideas as Maddy was. Perhaps they would change their minds about sex and purity, and see the importance of standing up to patriarchy, and making one's own choices. Perhaps Maddy would be able to talk to them about some of the things that had happened to her.
