Hi, i know i haven't updated in ages but I haven't abandoned this story lol. my mom died so i didn't feel like writing until now


Severus sighed audibly when at breakfast Vex delivered a letter from his mother, when he opened it the coins he had tried to send her clinked onto the table. He should have known better than to assume his mother would accept any of the money he was trying to give her, her stubbornness was bound to start showing more in full now that his father was gone and she wasn't letting herself waste away like she had before.

He had her attitude for sure. He skimmed the letter because he knew the contents of it practically, getting a scolding and was told to buy some Christmas presents or robes for himself. Then came the more unfamiliar part of the letter he would not have been able to predict even if his life had depended upon it.

Also, I would prefer if you would come home for Christmas break this year. I will not demand it, as it is your choice.

It had an underlying message to it, where she seemed to want to tell him that she wanted to spend a holiday with him. Which completely stunned him, and he closed the letter and set it down on the table. Trying to get the slight shakiness of his hands.

His mother asking him to be home for the holiday was completely unheard of, yet it brought a slight smile to his face. Never in his life had he received a letter asking to be wanted home, and he tried not to let it get to his head too much.

Severus was used to disappointment in his life so he forced down any excitement at the thought of actually spending time with his mother. She rarely spent time with him except to tell him off or send him off to go spend time with Lily. His mother being a mother was new to him and he was not going to get his hopes up she would want to spend genuine time with him.

Only time would tell.

Vex snatched some of his simple meal, enjoying it and demanding some scratches before taking off.

Severus pocketed the coins and letter before he was leaving breakfast, seeing Yaxley and his goons giving him a few glances. He had no idea when they would be trying to strike him, but the longer they didn't the more he wondered what they had in store for him. Having promised Regulus and Urbek he would watch them practice Quidditch, he left quickly, not dwelling on the thought of the hostile Slytherins any longer. He didn't understand the point of him being there but if they wished for him to be there he would. The two had had an early breakfast so he hadn't seen them this morning.

Just as he stepped outside the Great Hall when he was nearly knocked over by someone. He opened his mouth to give whoever had slammed into them a piece of his mind when he caught sight of a flurry of orange hair.

"Sorry, Sev! I didn't mean to almost trip you! I just wanted to catch up!"

Severus bit his tongue, righting her with a hand to her shoulder. "It's fine," he said dismissively, "what is it that you need, Lily?"

"I wanted to spend time with you, Sev! It's the weekend after all!" she exclaimed, a slight blush over her face from embarrassment from nearly knocking him over.

"I am going to watch Urbek's and Regulus' quidditch practice," he started as he began to walk down the hall towards the front doors to leave, "I suppose, you may, accompany me as long as you're alright with learning all the Slytherin quidditch teams secrets."

"I don't understand quidditch all that much no matter how often I watch it!" Lily defended herself as she hurried to catch up with him, "it's like a more violent version of Rugby, and I can't understand that at all myself despite how often Tuney and my dad watch it."

"I don't fancy the sport myself," Severus admitted lightly with a sigh, holding the door open for Lily. He hadn't expected her to try and spend the day with him at all but he wasn't going to shoo her away. If she wasn't going to spend time with her Gryffindor friends then so be it, he wasn't going to question why she wasn't hanging out with them.

"Guess we are in the same boat then, yeah?"

"Yeah."

They arrived at the quidditch field and climbed up into the stalls, the wind blowing into them as they got settled in a seat. Lily shivered while Severus kept up a stoic expression but even then the wind was biting into his skin. He really needed to go to Hogsmeade and get himself a jacket like his mother told him. The members of Slytherin that noticed them gave them some dirty looks for the fact a Gryffindor was there watching them, but they could not kick her out. Especially when she was with Severus, another Slytherin.

Lily hit him out of his musings and then pointed upwards, "look! It's Regulus!"

Glancing up he spotted said person, who was flying casually in the air searching for the snitch.

"That has to be a nice position to play," Lily mused casually as she leaned her elbows on the railing, her hair whipping to the right and hitting Severus slightly in the face.

He made a slight face as he moved forward to avoid the violent onslaught of hair, leaning against the railing himself as he glanced back up at Regulus. His hair moved and exposed his neck to the wind, causing some goosebumps to rise on his skin. "The whole team depends on you, you catch that snitch and win the whole game. You're the one everyone looks to to win, I believe that might be quite stressful."

"It also depends if you like the sport! I can't see either of us doing the sport willingly to be honest," she said as she looked thoughtful, "I would rather be inside a drafty potions lab than a drafty quidditch field."

Severus smirked at her, honestly forgetting how alike they were sometimes. "That sounds like a good day for me," he told her, waving when Urbek spotted them. His grin lasted only a few seconds before a bludger nearly knocked him off his broom.

Giggles erupted from Lily, both watching as he soared upwards to get away and signaled at Regulus. The Seeker glanced down and waved at them, suddenly in high spirits at the sight of the two.

"They're excited about seeing you," Lily pointed out with a small smile, earning herself an eye roll in the process.

"I'm not much to be excited about, they're grinning at you," he said pointedly, though he was joking. To someone who didn't know him they'd think he was serious, but she saw through him quickly and giggled at him.

The two watched the Slytherin team zoom around the field in silence, just enjoying each other's company and the mock game. Regulus caught the snitch several times, always looking over at the two and grinning when they clapped and cheered (Lily cheered, Severus just clapped). Urbek practically did the same thing whenever he made a complicated move and hit on the bludgers that came after him.

The Slytherins got into another practice game as Severus sat down, setting his bag down beside him as he relaxed a bit. Lily stayed where she was but turned more to face him, an inquisitive look upon her face.

He gave her a questioning look that snapped her into opening her mouth and saying, "I wonder what it's like in the Slugclub. I always hear about it, but neither of us have gotten into it yet!"

"Professor Slughorn likes influential people like Purebloods," he bit out with a slight frown, he had nearly forgotten about that blasted club. The last time he had been in one was when Harry Potter had let another student throw up onto his shoes, he had almost thrown the pair away out of anger before he had remembered cleaning charms.

Lily mirrored his frown as she glanced up at Regulus who had zoomed by blowing a gust of wind at them. "Like Regulus? I heard he was in the club, he's a pureblood."

"I reiterate, Slughorn likes influential people good at potions- so yes, he is I believe. I wouldn't worry about seeing Black or Potter in there any time soon."

"Yeah, they blew up their latest potion last class," she said with a chuckle as she remembered the chaos that had ensued afterwards.

"Dunderheads, the lot of them," he sneered slightly, remembering all the times when his students had done similar things. He had lost count of how often it had happened that he expected one potion to go wrong in every class he had taught.

"I can't argue with that, but- on the topic of the Slugclub, I honestly was curious about it, I want to get in."

"I don't see you have a problem getting in, you charm Slughorn and he'll be inviting you to every meeting," he said with a slight snort, he honestly hated the club with a passion. When he had gone to Hogwarts the first time he had been so desperate to fit somewhere, and the Slugclub seemed like one he could get himself into easily. Slughorn had crushed that especially early on when he just seemed to praise his potions and otherwise ignore him most days. He wasn't good looking or charismatic or even tied to an influential family, that would actually get him acknowledged.

He had gotten into it in the end, only by mentioning he was great friends with Lucius that seemed to drive the man to invite him if only for propriety's sake.

"That's sweet, Sev, but I wouldn't want to go alone! You could easily get into it, you potion whizz!"

"I think my attitude might delude that chance, Lily," he said dryly as he leaned back and watched Regulus catch the snitch again. He began to clap and Regulus grinned and gave him a thumbs up before he was setting it free and chasing back after it.

Lily stopped her cheer as she moved and sat down beside Severus, leaning into him as she said, "let's get into it together. I wouldn't want to have it any other way!"

Severus opened his mouth to tell her he didn't want to join when Tom Riddle's face flashed in his mind, the memory of him in a Slugclub party asking Slughorn to let him see more information about what he presumed was horcruxes which making him close his mouth for a moment in thought. "Alright," he said after a prolonged silence, agreeing to her request, "let's try and get in together. I hope you don't want to join just to have fancy dinner meals with Professor Slughorn and other pretentious students."

"So what if that was my plan, hmm? You couldn't stop me!" she exclaimed with a soft cackle, "if that is what I wanted to join for I could have just stopped by the kitchens and hung out with you and the house elves!"

He gave her a slight offended look, instead sniffing and turning his nose up into the air as he imitated Lucius Malfoy. "I'm pretentious, huh?"

The only response he got was a cackle.

Their fun ended sooner rather than later once the Slytherin team finally decided to wrap up practice, and Severus and Lily met up with them on the field. Urbek and Regulus filed away from the rest as they gave some waves.

"I was great today!" Urbek exclaimed, bumping shoulders with Regulus, "even better than old Reg here! I could have caught twice as many snitches!"

"You can't even catch one!" Regulus replied with a roll of his eye, a genuine smile on his face. More relaxed than he ever seemed to be otherwise.

"You were both adequate," Severus said sarcastically, getting elbowed by Lily immediately after.

"What he was trying to say is you both did great, no need to fight," she told them.

The four conversed as they headed towards the entrance of the field, Regulus and Urbek going to see them off before catching up with the rest of the team to get changed in the locker room. Once they got to the entrance they all stopped at the sight of Frank Longbottom, who looked flustered and lost.

Severus frowned lightly, the events of yesterday flooding his mind. It was due to rebound upon him and Black, but this quickly? Filch tended to prolong the time he would tell teachers off, at least when he had been a teacher. When a student skipped a detention he was usually informed a few days after it had happened.

"Snape! I was just looking for you-" Frank started as he closed the distance between them and himself with a light jog, "Evans?- you know what, never mind. Professor McGonagall requested you to her office."

"Alright, thank you," Severus said with an inaudible sigh, turning and looking at his friends, "I'll see you around."

Lily gave him a pinched look, trying to figure out what he could have done to be sent to the Gryffindors head of house's office so early into the weekend and whether she needed to be mad at him or not.

He saw the look, and he mouthed 'later' in explanation which seemed to satisfy his Gryffindor friend for the moment as he began to follow Frank back towards Hogwarts. She caught up to them to follow them back since she was going the same way, though she was going to have to make new plans now that Severus was off to McGonagall's.

"I'm heading back to Hogwarts anyway might as well come with you," she said when Longbottom gave her a questioning look.

"Bye!" Regulus and Urbek chorused, both turning back to meet back with the rest of the team.


Severus stared at Sirius as they both stood outside of McGonagall's office, unsure whether to be smug about his presumption being right or not. Longbottom hadn't mentioned Sirius also being escorted to McGonagall's office. Frank and the other Gryffindor Prefect, Bertha Jorkins, stood behind them to make sure the two didn't run off. Neither was very excited about the scolding they were about to get or the detention she was about to serve them.

McGonagall opened the door, staring at the two with a stern face. "Inside," she motioned, the two following her orders without a single word.

While McGonagall was dismissing the prefects Sirius leaned over towards Severus, whispering, "Jorkins got us lost twice, she's a complete idiot."

"Smarter than you," Severus shot back with gritted teeth, leaning away from him for being too close to him.

The transfiguration professor shut the door with more force than necessary, eyes blazing as she rounded on the two. "You!"

Severus almost flinched at the tone but held his head high.

"Both of you!" she continued with irritation, "you ditch your detention and expect to get off without trouble? I cannot believe you, I expected better from you Mr Snape!"

This time he did flinch, disappointment (anger and hatred mixed in as well) from McGonagall the last time had sent him out the window fleeing away from Hogwarts. He looked away from her, not exactly feeling contrite as much as he didn't want to meet her eye.

Sirius snorted from beside him, the smirk on his face wiped away when their professor gave him a glare.

"I expect this behaviour from you, Mr Black, but I had hoped maybe you would be better with Mr Snape there," she scolded as she moved over to her desk and conjured a desk with two chairs next to it, "I presumed wrong! Sit! You are serving detention with me right now!"

Severus moved and sat down, not willing to fight with his professor and to just get over it, though there was a deep irritation bubbling under the surface. This was exactly why he always isolated himself from the rest of the student body. He wouldn't have to deal with so many detentions, at least until the Marauders found him and caused trouble.

Sirius only followed when he saw that Severus wasn't arguing like he usually would, so he sat with a clunk and huff. Arms crossed.

McGonagall seemed calmer because they were cooperating with her, she set two large transfiguration textbooks down in front of them and set parchment on the other side. "I want you to copy pages three hundred through three hundred and two onto one parchment each, I would appreciate them to hand out in our next class."

She then sat down and began to ignore them both as she began to grade papers, scratching her quill harshly to the pages.

Severus had no qualms about this punishment, no matter how unusual it was and repetitive but it was better than Filch's punishment the night before. He pulled out his wand and began to flip to the pages in the textbook they would need for the copying; he tended to do this a few times a year when he taught for his more advanced classes.

This detention would be hardly a detention at this point, this was just mundane.

He began to carefully copy the words onto the parchment, watching as they copied themselves and floated onto the page. He got a few copies in when he earned a slight kick to his shin, and he looked up sharply at Black.

Sirius gave him a pleading look, none of his parchments done. "Is it the duplication charm…?" he asked in a quiet whisper.

Severus gave him a glare, and for a moment he debated just leaving him to struggle. Instead, he leaned forward and whispered the right incantation to use. He silently demonstrated the wand movement as he non-verbally casted the spell, the words floating and settling onto the page.

It took Sirius three attempts to even get the spell to work, whispering furiously as he tapped the paper. When he successfully copied one page he cheered, just a bit too loudly.

McGonagall looked over at them sharply with a slight glare, causing Sirius to wither a bit before he silently began to copy the next page.

Severus hadn't even glanced up, already halfway through his stack of papers. He was hoping to go out before Black and back to his usual weekend of studying, bothered by Lupin, brooding or being dragged around by his friends. When he had one more paper left to copy McGonagall threw another stack into his pile.

He had to take a deep breath to keep from looking at her and glaring, continuing his work. He nearly lost his temper when he was given another stack to do. Black still on his first stack as he focused on trying to make the spell work the right way, too distracted to even smirk or snort at Severus' misery.

After the third time, she added more parchment did Severus finally explode, "why are you giving me more when Black is being completely incompetent and not even through his first stack?"

He immediately backed down from a stern look from his professor, having to remind himself that he was not her colleague and she could give him a million stacks of papers to copy because she was his professor and he was her student who had completely disregarded his previous detention.

"Because you finished, Mr Snape, that is why you have been given more parchment to copy things upon," she told him as she added more papers to his for the snark.

"Yes, professor," he conceded as he grit his teeth, continuing to copy the pages but at a slower pace as he waited to see when Sirius got his second stack.

When Black finished his stack of papers, a near half an hour just to do it McGonagall turned to him and motioned to the door. "You're free to go, Mr Black," she said dismissively.

Sirius turned his eyes to Severus, who had several stacks of papers in front of him. His mouth was slightly ajar in some shock.

Severus bit his tongue as he continued to copy the pages, his jaw tense as he refrained from blowing up on his professor. Of course the Slytherin had to do more than the Gryffindor, she just had to favour and prioritize her favourite little troublemaker.

"What about Snape?" Sirius asked with furrowed brows as if he was confused as to why he was being let go when the Slytherin wasn't. In the past, he wouldn't have dared to question it and just hop up and leave.

"That matter is between up, Mr Black, you are dismissed," McGonagall supplied without any explanation.

Sirius finally got to his feet and gently moved towards the exit, giving Severus a sympathetic look before he disappeared and the door closed behind him.

This irked him more than he would like, he did not need pity, least of all Black's pity! He grumbled lightly to himself and went to copy another page before it suddenly swiped itself off the table and off onto a different desk in her room. He glanced up at her, his eyebrow-raising questioningly.

"Mr Snape, I believe I have been unfair to you," McGonagall started lightly, setting her quill down and clasping her hands together, "and I do not mean these past few weeks, skipping your detention and pulling a wand on another student is prohibited."

Severus stayed silent as she stared at her in disbelief, never had he ever had McGonagall admit she was wrong to him for favouring her Gryffindors whenever he was involved. Even when he was a professor himself, that had been a rivalry because he had favoured his own students because he knew no one else would do it. Not with Slytherin's reputation, no one saw past the stereotypes.

When he didn't respond she continued on, spurred by the moment, "it has come more to my attention that Black and Potter have been causing trouble to you in unfair fights."

"When has that ever been a secret to anyone?" he asked sarcastically, a scowl on his face as he cursed Lupin, who had most likely gone running to his head of house about his friends' treatment of Severus, "I don't believe a duel three on one can be easily hidden from staff and student body."

McGonagall sighed softly, shifting and summoning a tray of tea and biscuits. She set it between them as she took her cup of tea, adding some sugar in her cup. "I wish to discuss some things with you."

"I will not have a friendly chat over tea and biscuits if that is what you are trying to do," Severus bit out with a frown, some memories of when they would do this as colleagues after a grating day of grading. It was nostalgic but he had to remember what he was actually here for. He refused to pick up the cup or even indulge in a biscuit.

"No, I suppose that is not what we are doing. How are you, Severus?"

"Why do you care?" he seethed as he stood up, done with dealing with his professor for the day, "you have not cared a single day I have been here, I don't expect you to care now."

It was emotionally charged but he couldn't care right now, he turned and fled the office. Ignoring his professor's shouts of his name. He skirted down the hall with his wand clutched tightly in his hand and his bag hitting against his thigh painfully, stopping in a more abandoned hallway for a small breather.

Clouding his emotions his face began to pull back into a more neutral expression, calming his beating heart from how fast he had jogged- more like fleeing away from McGonagall's office. He had seen people die in front of him, beg for mercy, beg him for mercy for Merlin's sake! Yet, his temper continued to get the best of him with McGonagall.

He shook his head, scowling slightly as he turned to start down the hall towards a more reclusive part of the school when he had a foreboding feeling cloud in his chest. His head swivelled around just as he caught sight of a two boys throwing down a box into the hall and taking off.

Yaxley! Oh, how he was going to kill him!

The thought stopped short when the box rattled and burst open, and he froze with his wand raising into the air in front of him. The mass began to take shape, dark robes unfolding into a bony man. A death eater's mask was donned on its' face.

Severus hesitated, having expected Lily's body to be on the ground instead it was-

The thing removed its' mask and his face was sneering back at him. It was him when he had been a freshly joined Death Eater, full of glory and violence. Greedy for the things no one had ever given him the opportunity to have.

"No," he said, raising his wand but his hand shook slightly, "you're a boggart, not me."

"I am you," it spoke, taking a step closer as it pulled his sleeve down and showed his branded Dark Mark. A smirk on its face as it stared at him condescendingly, tilting its head as if observing him.

Severus was clammy as he finally shouted, "riddikulus!"

Suddenly it distorted into a unicorn, giving a snort of irritance at its new form.

"Riddikulus!" he shouted again and it turned into a teddy bear which he used a quick spell to shoot it backwards.

Another spell shot out from the end of the Hallway which made the box quickly snap down onto the Boggwart and lock it away. He turned and saw McGonagall at the end of the hall, her face slack from surprise at the situation she found the Slytherin in after fleeing her office.

"Mr Snape, are you alright?"

"I don't need your concern!" he snapped and turned and quickly disappeared down the hall, leaving the professor watching him once again fleeing. Thoughts buzzing around her head, turning and levitating the Boggart with her. A talk with the Headmaster sounded like her next stop.


Severus continued to wander the halls, refusing to believe he was fleeing as much as he was taking a scenic route around. A walk to clear his head of thoughts after all that had happened.

He could not be afraid of himself, it was preposterous!

Deep down he knew he wasn't afraid of himself, he was afraid of making those mistakes again. Afraid he would have to live the same life again, one full of lonely nights and betrayals. Stuck in between two worlds, the middle ground was the one he created that left him isolated from all those around him. Sacrificing his life for a cause and never knowing if his name becoming the synonym of coward and traitor was in vain or not.

He had no desire to live the same life he had, he wanted to finish what he had started before child soldiers were a passing thought in Albus Dumbledore's mind. Not that he wasn't one himself at this point, his whole purpose was to defeat You-Know-Who. Why else would he have been given a second chance, unless some higher being wanted to torture him.

Sending Lupin with him must have been for giggles because two people who didn't like each other would work together perfectly, right? It was completely ridiculous! He was going to-

"I've heard of you," a voice prompted from the corner, making Severus swivel around to face them, having been nearly plagued by his thoughts after fleeing away from McGonagall for the second time mere minutes before. Having rushed away in a slight panic, which probably did not fare well for him. She just had to question him today, didn't she? He cooled his expression within seconds and gave a glare.

Why couldn't he just be left alone?

"As I have you," he replied curtly, surveying the boy's facial features and recognising Raoul, nearly identical to Urbek if it wasn't for the short hair, which was wooly and fluffed around his head. Urbek had hair, which was voluminous and sleek and longer than Lily's.

"Urb says many brilliant things about you, Snape, am I able to assume he is correct?" His voice came out more pompous and strictly reminded Severus of a few purebloods he knew, which then made him wonder when this sort of tone would completely take up Regulus' and Urbek's mouth. The two still held a bit of a relaxed stance, and the two had defected from the Death Eaters, which was another thing that Raoul did not have in common with them.

"Depends on what he has said that I have credibility to. Do you trust him?" he said slowly, making direct eye contact with Raoul, "he looks at me in a certain light, I'd think he's biased."

"Yes, I'm well aware he admires you, but that can only obscure his perspective so much. He's not stupid, and I'd like to think he knows you well."

Severus was silenced at this, lost in thought. He looked over at the young man in front of him, and tried to figure out why this conversation was happening in the first place. He had never truly spoken to him in the past, seeing him only in glances during the second war, only having been introduced to Urbek this time around because of Regulus. Black wouldn't have stuck around as long as he had with Severus' original attitude, but they would have interacted with each other in the Death Eaters, as Regulus would have worked with him in the potioneering of questionable potions that Severus didn't really wish to ponder about.

He stood in a relaxed pose, one leg to the side and his hand on his hip. His pose was very different to Severus's own, hunched over with stress and closed off. There was something off about him, but maybe that was just because the last time he had actually seen him was over twenty years in the future, after Raoul had become a death eater. It struck him moments later when he realised that he had both of his eyes, something he lacked in the future. Severus remembered what he had looked like then, from the few passing glances he got.

He was disheveled with a scraggly beard and a mad look in his one working eye, though the glass eye he had did swivel and turn in odd directions as if charmed to do so and looked to be completely useless otherwise and was just for aesthetic unlike Alastor Moody's magical eye, leading Severus to believe that he could have been crass enough to be the one who killed Urbek for defecting; Bellatrix had no sympathy or remorse for murdering Sirius Black. A family member, a disowned family member at that. Raoul wasn't so different from Bellatrix Lestrange, or so he had assumed.

Raoul had looked awful, but no worse than any of the other Azkaban-fresh death eaters, and didn't necessarily stand out. He hadn't brought attention to himself during order meetings, showing some signs of intelligence amongst the masses. Comparing that terrible sight to the young man that stood in front of him now, it brought a strong feeling of dread and Severus tried to stop thinking about it. This boy has not yet made the choice to become the monster of a man he had been. Severus himself hadn't made the choices he made to be led down that path just yet, that had been him at sixteen. Hurting and confused and alone.

But what had led Raoul down that path?

"If you insist," he snapped in an even tone, flat and void of any emotions.

Raoul's composure seemed to falter a bit, though his posture stayed relaxed. He looked less like a pompous pureblood, which was a slight relief for Severus. He continued after a moment, casually sniffing, "I just wanted to see what kind of company my brother keeps, sometimes his judgment is clouded."

Severus finally saw the reason for the visit, a thinly veiled attempt at judging a sibling's company out of protectiveness. He relaxed marginally and leaned against the windowsill behind him. "Don't trust him enough to make good friends?" he snapped, no patience left, "afraid he is going to replace you?"

Raoul bristled, glaring at him, "no. Slytherins can be deceiving."

"And, you, as a Hufflepuff I precisely assume that your presumption is incorrect and ludicrous and your mind is insufficiently cultivated to understand my meaning."

This irked the other, but some understanding dawned in his eyes that he was digging into stereotypes as much as Severus was. Stereotypes that tended to cloud many witches' and wizards' heads.

"It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, isn't it? Everyone tells you what you are and you give up trying to be anything different," Severus sneered, turning and starting his way down the hall.

"Wait!"

Severus turned and looked at him, eyebrow raised as he waited for what Raoul had to say.

"You're not as bad as I thought," he said lamely after a moment.

"You're brother of the year, congratulations," Severus stated dryly, turning back around and continuing his walk back towards the main part of the school. It was bound to be lunchtime by now and he wished for Xenophilius to rattle on about something. He wished for Lan-Jy to come and bother him about the newest photos she had taken, Lily to drag him somewhere to rant about something insignificant, Lupin to be bothersome, Regulus and Urbek to prattle on about Quidditch strategies.

He wished for a distraction, a distraction to make him forget who he was and what he would have to do. He wanted a day where he wasn't worried about something or other and he just existed, but he didn't know how to live if he wasn't being controlled in some way or another. Whether it be his parents, the Dark Lord, or Albus Dumbledore.

Severus realised that he didn't really expect to survive past the Dark Lord's defeat, and that thought made his steps just slightly more sluggish.