"So, that's it then? She's okay to go?" Edmund looked back towards the bed, his eyes meeting hers for only a moment.
"We've done our part, Mr. Winslow," the doctor said with a smile. "The rest is up to nature. Think sticky thoughts," she whispered before patting Dinah on the leg and moving towards the door. "Feel free to call the office if you have any questions."
"Thank you, doctor." Edmund's voice sounded distant as he watched the woman leave the room and pull the door closed behind her. He turned back towards Dinah, his face betraying his conflicted emotions. "Do you feel alright to get dressed on your own? I can go pull the car around and …"
"Edmund, wait." She reached for his hand, desperate to find some sort of connection. Mere moments ago there had been something there, a closeness she'd felt as they'd watched the potential miracle begin. And now, there was something entirely different on his face. Guilt, worry, or perhaps, as she feared most, regret.
"Listen, I know this isn't the way you thought this would happen, but if we hadn't done something and done it now then …"
"I know, okay. I heard you the first twenty times." He pulled away and stood up, pacing across the floor to try and rid himself of the anxious emotions that welled up within him. "This is just … When Cassie finds out about this, she's …"
"She's going to know that her baby is on the way and she's going to come home because she's a mother and she's not going to walk away from her baby."
"That might be true," he said quietly, "but that doesn't guarantee that she's not going to walk away from me. Doing this was one thing, but you … you're …"
"Here and willing and able to do this and I think maybe you need to consider how lucky you are that I came here when I did because if I hadn't, you wouldn't even be standing here considering how Cassie might react when you told her because there would be nothing to tell. All your dreams, all your hopes, all your ideas of what your family could be like would be gone. Is that really something you were ready to give up?"
"No. No, of course it wasn't. Cassie and I dreamed of having a child together and I would have done anything to make that happen for the both of us." He looked at her for a long moment before letting his breath out. "And I guess I did." Edmund shook his head in a desperate attempt to rebuke the doubts that attempted to creep in again. "We should get you home so you can get some rest. Do you need my help or will you be alright?"
"I'll be fine." She saw his shoulders relax slightly. "It'll just take me a moment."
"Alright then. I'll go sign the papers and pick up the medications and then I'll pull the car around front."
She nodded and slowly swung her legs over the side of the bed. It was only then that she realized he hadn't moved. He stood frozen, watching her, his eyes following every move she made. "Edmund," she said softly. "Is everything okay?"
"Yes, It's fine. I'm going to go handle everything now." He swallowed hard and forced himself to walk from the room.
"Is there anything you need?" Edmund watched as she slowly moved around the room. "I can get you something to eat or .."
"I'm fine. I'm actually not hungry right now and I can call down for room service later if I need to. I was actually just going to lie down for a little while. I'm pretty tired."
"Right. Of course you are. I should go and let you do that. If you need me, you know how to reach me. Make sure to charge everything to my account and …" He let the words trail off. History didn't exactly give him proper training on how to handle a situation like this, probably because no one had ever been stupid enough to put themself in a situation quite this bizarre.
"Sure," she managed as she walked with him towards the door.
"I'll stop by tomorrow to check on you and to do the injections."
"See you then." She watched him walk through the door and closed it softly, letting her hands run down the smooth wood as she stood there silently.
Her mind had been spinning since they'd left the clinic. This had seemed like the right thing at the moment. Edmund was clearly concerned for her. In the last hour, he'd given her more attention, and treated her with more care and compassion than she could have hoped and yet she still couldn't push aside the nagging feeling of doubt, the dread that grew larger and larger and larger the more she considered the situation she'd potentially created.
Cassie and Edmund were desperate for a child and she could be the one to give them that gift. Edmund would be indebted to her forever. He'd learn to care for her and that could lead to love, but it would come at quite the cost - the cost of a baby she'd carry for nine months, the cost of a child she'd grow to care about and to love.
She sat down on the edge of the bed and let her hand rest on her still flat stomach. "They said I was unlovable," she whispered, "but you would love me, wouldn't you? And I would love you, no matter whose you are. I already do. I did this for the right reasons. I did. I swear." Her voice trembled as she leaned back against the pillows.
Everyone was right. She needed to change, needed to get her own life, needed to stop trying so hard to chase after what everyone else had, but what about what she wanted? What about her dreams? For as long as she could remember, she'd wanted a family. Parents that loved her when she was a child, and a child to show that unconditional love towards when she was older. She'd been pregnant before, more than once. The dream had been within her reach and then it was gone.
And now, she was going to what - willingly give her baby away?
It was the emptiness that had almost done her in. She'd felt alone most of her life even in the presence of others, but when she was pregnant with Laura and again with her sweet Rose in Europe, she'd actually felt complete.
"It should have been me." She pulled her knees to her chest as she turned away from him and pulled the pillow against her. "I would have gone in her place. I would have gone in place of my daughter. It's not fair. She should have had a life. She deserved that. I've done horrible things, but she hasn't. She was innocent. She'd never done anything wrong."
"That's not how any of this works," Hart whispered. "You didn't deserve this. No one does. It's just something that happens and we don't understand it, but we have to find a way to get through it."
"I don't think I can. She was the only good thing in my life. She was the only good thing I've ever done. Without her, there's no reason for me to be here."
"That's not true." He reached out to touch her and sighed as she pulled away.
"It is true. I'm just empty. I feel so empty. I'd rather be dead. I'd rather be with her."
She drew in a deep breath as she felt the warm tears roll down her cheeks. Her motives had been pure, but the consequences were beginning to feel impossible.
