A/N: Astoria isn't stupid; she knows Draco's been lying to her. Astoria's POV
i've had the song "she's all i wanna be" stuck in my head, so, here you go
this is also an answer to the question everyone asked
tw: infidelity
I never meant to write a part two to this, but I wanted to tell her side
Chapter 2: she's all i wanna be
He smells like her again.
The spot on my cheek he kissed stings; poisoned lips pressed to my skin before he walks across to the loo, pulling his tie off to shower.
"I'll be out in ten," he calls as he shuts the door.
I stand in the same spot, in the new dress he didn't notice. He never notices.
"Stupid boy," I mutter and pull the dress over my head, crumpling it in a ball on top of the dresser. I pull out a set of baggy pajamas and pull my hair up into a bun. Fuck dressing up for Draco Malfoy.
I don't even bother to leave a note before Apparating to Daphne's.
"I'm going to kill him."
"Daph—"
"Tori, I'm serious."
I laugh because she's the gentlest person I know, but she really does look like she could wring his neck with one hand at that moment. "I know, but I'd rather not have you in Azkaban if it's all the same."
Her face softens. I must really look pathetic. Feet tucked up on the couch, spooning the salted caramel ice cream into my mouth on a literal silver spoon, I feel pathetic. Silver wasn't good enough for him; I wasn't good enough for him. At least, I must not have been if he had to go for the golden girl.
My sister watches me spiraling and ducks her head so my eyes are forced to meet hers before I break my gaze away and go back to stabbing lamely at my ice cream.
"Astoria Selene Greengrass, I am not going to let yourself feel inferior over an arsehole like Draco fucking Malfoy."
"What does she have that I don't?" I ask quietly, poking the caramel strands without any enthusiasm.
"Loose morals, apparently," Daphne quips.
I shake my head. "I don't blame her. Not really. Have you seen him, Daph? Besides, it's Hermione Granger. I don't think she'd be doing it if she didn't lo—if she didn't care about him too."
"I don't bloody care if she's in love with him! He's your boyfriend!"
"I know." I do. Obviously. But...he's convincing. I know what it's like. I could blame her; it would be easier. Maybe if it were her fault I could pretend that Draco and I aren't over, but...just because it would be easier doesn't mean it's true. "I just wish I were more like her. More like something he wanted."
Daphne's silent long enough that I look up at her. Her lips are pressed into a thin line.
"What?" I ask.
She inhales. "You should tell him."
My eyes open wide. Has she lost her mind? "You're joking."
"No, I'm not. Astoria, honestly, this is...this isn't going to be pretty no matter what you do. Stop pretending. Stop letting him think he isn't hurting you. Say what you have to say, and then leave."
The tears spring to my eyes immediately. "But I don't want to leave, Daph." My voice breaks.
"I know." She pulls me into her side on the couch. "But darling you can do so much better than that git."
She's right. I know she's right.
It doesn't hurt any less.
I use the key for once. It's a Muggle thing, I know, but something about having to physically do something to get into the house, something about the process being slower than Apparition, gives me a sense of calm. There's time to think about what to say. Time to change my mind. Time for him to fix it.
If only.
I walk into our bedroom and see Draco lying there, gorgeous as he lies on his stomach without a shirt, muscles pronounced, blond hair falling just right, and I get a whoosh in my stomach followed immediately by what feels like my heart is being crushed.
I stand there staring at him for too long and then get into bed, wrapping him around me with my forehead pressed to his.
I'll tell him tomorrow.
Three weeks later, I still haven't worked up the nerve. I have started looking at other flats, just in case I have to leave here, but I'm not ready yet. I want more time.
No, he hasn't made love to me in the last few weeks; I can feel him putting distance between us, but at night he still holds me as tight as ever. Maybe some part of him doesn't want to let me go.
Could I be happy like this? Knowing and not knowing?
The choice is taken from me when I hear Hermione's voice at the door.
"I deserve better than this."
My heart clenches. It's happening. Something's happening. He's going to leave. Oh god, oh god, oh god, what am I going to do?
His half of the conversation is muffled and my ears are ringing so loud I can't hear the rest of what she says.
Draco appears in the doorway to the living room. He stares at me where I sit by the fire with a glass of wine. The couch was my grandmother's. Must remember to take it when I leave.
"Draco."
His name hangs in the air. He looks at me with a casual smile, but I see the worry in his eyes.
He closes them. "You don't have anything to worry about."
"Why did you close your eyes then? Look at me and tell me."
He can't. He rolls his eyes and walks away from me.
"You're being insecure, Tori."
I see red and chase him, my footfalls heavy against the solid wood floor. "I'm being insecure?" I throw my arm to the side, exasperated. "Are you serious right now?"
"Hermione and I are friends, Astoria. You know that."
"Stop lying to me, Draco!" I hear the hysteria in my own voice as I come to a stop, defeated. I thought he'd beg forgiveness. But he isn't even trying to fix this.
He says nothing.
"Tell me when I became so boring that you had to run back to your ex. Tell me how things changed so fast when I thought we were happy."
He stares at me and I see his throat move as he swallows. His arms are crossed and I can practically hear the facade disintegrate.
"I didn't plan for this to happen."
I close my eyes and feel the tears fall down my cheeks. I wonder if he can hear my heart shattering.
"I get it," I say, blinking to see him clearly. "She's got everything that I don't have."
He looks like I've slapped him, and his arms fall to the side as he takes a step towards me. "Tori, no—"
I back up, one hand out to halt his progress. "It's fine. It's true, after all. She's the golden girl. How could I ever compete with that?"
"That's not true..."
I shake my head. "Stupid, fucking, boys—you think we don't see it, but we do. You think I didn't know you were seeing her? You came back smelling like her, Draco. Over and over again. I get it. You want someone you can show off, someone who looks good in the press. What good is a pureblood girlfriend when the Malfoy name needs to be rehabilitated?"
He looks at me like he could break a diamond between his teeth. I've never seen him so angry. "That's not true. She's not a prop, Astoria." His spits my name like it's acid in his mouth. He's so angry—for her.
A short puff of air escapes me and I shake my head. We're done here.
I turn and walk toward the bedroom. "Goodbye, Draco."
"I live here, too, Astoria!"
He tries to follow me and I flick my hand upwards, hitting him with an unexpected stinging hex. I hear him swear.
Hermione Granger is not the only witch who can do wandless magic.
She's all I wanted to be—for him. And for what?
Fuck Draco Malfoy. And may the gods help Hermione; she's going to need it if she settles for someone like him.
