A/N: It took me a while to come back to this story, mainly because I had my own grief to deal with out in the real world. I'm in a much better place now. A lot of things have changed, but I'm happy. This chapter is...a weird sort of reflection of that journey despite it being a shorter and more abstract chapter than what you guys have seen previously within this story. A key message of this story is having the strength to continue moving forward even when it seems like you can't. That's the essence of this chapter I think, but I'll let you guys determine that for yourselves. There's some other stuff I'm setting up too, which...well I'm gonna have to prepare myself for the onslaught of, "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" questions later. Anyway, enough rambling. Let's get to the chapter. I hope you guys enjoy it. Best wishes and God bless you all.
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Code Geass, and whatever other random anime got thrown into this, do not belong to me. This is merely a Fanfiction.
Warnings: This chapter is a bit more abstract than what I typically do. I think I had just finished watching Evangelion for the second time around the time I wrote the draft of this chapter. Additionally, I usually do two extensive edits on chapters before post. With this one...I only really did one because...well it's a shorter chapter and I want to keep things simple for myself because I'll be starting a new job soon and I'm tired. So, if there are any grammar issues and anything else kinda weird on a technical level, let me know. I don't mind coming back and fixing things.
Extra note: The past two chapters were named after the song This Silence is Mine by Chihiro Onitsuka
Chapter 58
This Silence is Mine Part 2
Silence.
Blissful, empty silence.
That's what registers first when I wake up.
Opening my eyes, an unfamiliar ceiling stares back at me.
No. Not unfamiliar. I just haven't looked at this ceiling in a long time.
"This place..."
I'm at home within the Juban District of Tokyo...resting in the silence of a new morning beneath the covers of my old comforter.
Peace settles over me for the first time in what feels like years...
But...
"This isn't real. It can't be real."
Exhaling slowly, I sit up in bed without any trace of pain or discomfort. For a few seconds I concentrate on my breathing, relishing in how easy it is when before...
I lick my lips then, expecting the metallic tang of blood along the corners of my mouth, but all I taste is small bits of dried drool caked along the left side. Not unusual for me, especially when I stay up too late and fall asleep an hour before I have to get ready for school.
This feels...so normal.
"Was all that..."
Sound slowly filters in from outside. A car horn here. Distant laughter there.
My gaze travels to the window. Past the cream, translucent curtains, I see my old view of the city as the golden hues of dawn transform into the usual glow of a cloudless, sunny day.
Watching the sunrise isn't something I typically do. I never woke up early enough to see it most days.
Today is different.
I'm different.
Phantom images of traumatic events race through my head for a few seconds. I see flashes of different faces and hear words that are tangled up somewhere deep in my psyche.
Monster...
My thoughts are interrupted by the shrill ringing of an alarm through my bedroom. My hand moves to silence it almost instantly, as if it had never missed a day of this old routine.
But still I...
Monster...
The time on the clock reads 6:30 a.m. I don't know what day it is, but if it's ringing it means I have school in an hour.
My finger flicks a switch on the clock, and the shrill ringing is replaced by the low hum of one of my favorite songs on the radio.
It's a somber song about wanting to return to the person you once were...
Monster...that's all you are.
The music continues to play, almost drowning out the sound of Artemis' yawning from his cat bed. Within seconds he's emitting a cheerful good morning, but I don't answer him. I don't even look at him.
All I'm able to do in those seconds is stare in awe at my hand.
It's so clean.
"Did I not steal life from others with this hand?"
"Mina?"
"Am I...did I..."
"Everything alright?"
Unable to say anything back at first, I glance over at Artemis and offer him a smile.
He returns the smile instantly. "Sleep well?"
No one will have the chance to forgive you if you don't live long enough to redeem yourself.
"I...had a nightmare." Sighing, I shake my head of disturbing images, discarding them as if they'd been subconscious trash from having watched too many action flicks lately.
But deep down I already know the truth.
That's why the next words out of my mouth are about the one person I can't bear to forget.
"Where's Joey?"
Artemis blinks, clear confusion plastered across his face. "Joey?"
"Yeah," I answer, kicking the bedspread away from me while stretching my arms above my head. "Where is he?"
"I...don't know who you're talking about, Mina."
The silence takes over again.
It wasn't long before Artemis started teasing me, stating his musings about my being stuck in dreamland and other such things. I didn't really hear it though. His voice feels like static in my ears.
My body moved on auto-pilot after that. Like clockwork I settled back into the usual morning routine of making my bed before heading into the bathroom to shower, brush my teeth, comb through my hair, and put on my school uniform.
And then, as I return to my room to grab my school bag...the smell of eggs and bacon waft in. The comforting scents of a homemade breakfast are followed by quiet voices exchanging pleasantries.
Artemis is by my feet, and I know without looking down at him that his good mood is shifting into worry for me because I'm not acting like my usual, bubbly self.
Could I even act like that now? Could I even pretend as I did before?
My hands start shaking atop my school bag.
The voices of my parents ring in my ears, filling my heart with joy and dread all at once.
"This isn't real..."
"Mina...are you not feeling well?"
"I don't know," I respond honestly, heaving out a breath that wanted to stay bottled up in my chest. "I don't know."
The radio is still playing the same song...
You say that you wanted this...
Biting down on my lips, I turn on my heel with my schoolbag in hand and march straight to the kitchen.
I force myself to smile as brightly as I can.
Weren't you tired of faking happiness all the time?
I don't listen to the voice. The second I enter the kitchen and see my parents, I race over to both of them. I give my mother a hug first, then run into my dad's arms.
"You better hurry, Minako," my mother says, smiling softly as she sets a plate in front of my usual spot at the kitchen table. "You only have thirty minutes to get to school."
"Can't I stay home today?" I ask, plucking a piece of bacon off the plate to munch on before sitting down in front of Dad. He chuckles and takes a sip of the coffee Mom prepared. Artemis is still by my feet, his previous worries forgotten as he covets the bacon I'm currently eating.
I don't taste anything as I eat. Don't need to right now.
"Your winter break starts tomorrow," Dad says after having had his sip of coffee. "You'll have several months off after today."
"So since it's your last day, do make an effort to actually be on time," Mom adds, lightly smacking the back of my head before taking a seat next to me.
"Oh, come on, Mom," I bark back, rolling my eyes. "I'm on time most days."
My mother smirks. "That's an honest surprise given how you leave here with only ten minutes to get to school every day. Not to mention all the calls I get from your teachers about tardiness."
"Ooooh..."
Dad is laughing again as he finishes the last of his coffee. Then with a flourish, he rises up from the chair. "Well girls, I'm off to work. And Mina dear, do mind your mother."
"I'll try," I answer back, to which my mother pinches my cheek before handing me an extra piece of bacon from off her plate.
All of this is a perfectly normal morning in the Aino household. Bright smiles, small talk, parental teasing, and Artemis begging for bacon is everything I'd grown accustomed to in my day to day life in the Juban District of Tokyo.
I knew nothing of Britannia, Domino City, Millennium Items, or Geass.
I fought as a soldier of justice alongside friends who would never abandon me.
This is the life I had wanted to return to.
"AAAAAAAH! I'M GOING TO BE LAAAAATE!"
You aren't this girl anymore.
Shut up! You don't get to decide that!
I'm part of you. I think that entitles me to a say in all this.
Leave me alone!
You are alone.
My feet carry me across the street towards the school. In the distance I can see Serena, Ami, and Lita standing in the courtyard.
Rei is absent.
Because she's dead.
Because she goes to another school.
"Ah! Minako-chan!" Serena cheers, having spotted me. "Good morning!"
Ami and Lita turn around, their smiles gleaming in the sun just as intensely as Serena's. "Good morning!"
"Hey guys!" Slowing my pace, I stop in front of them. "Whew! I need to start setting my alarm for an earlier time."
"Take it from me, it doesn't help any," Serena states, giggling. "Just makes you sleepier."
"You two really should take punctuality more seriously," Ami advised, chuckling softly. "Time management skills are especially important in the working world."
Lita's grin widens a bit. "Yeah, Mina. You want to be a famous celebrity, right? Remember how swamped Seiya, Taiki, and Yaten were?"
"I certainly do," Serena murmurs, her smile fading a bit. "Seiya used to tell me their schedules were a mix of studio sessions, rehearsals, fan meet-ups, press conferences, and concert tours." She pauses for a moment, her expression contemplative now. "Actually, he once told me a story about how one of their managers got really angry because he was skipping out on studio sessions to hang out with us."
A smirk tugs at my lips. "You mean to hang out with you..."
Serena's blush was instant. "Don't bring that up. I have Darien."
"And the rest of us are single," Lita droned, rolling her eyes before glancing at the clock on her wrist. "Guys, we better get in there. The final bell is gonna ring in two minutes."
"Oh dear," Ami answered, suddenly scrambling. "My first class is on the second floor."
"Might have been a good idea for us to walk and talk at the same time," Serena mused while watching Ami dash off without so much as a goodbye. It wasn't uncommon though. Ami had always been serious about her studies and being punctual. For her, being late was just as bad as skipping class altogether.
She'd really balk at what I'm about to do.
Serena raced ahead behind Ami, shouting out a "See you later" before charging into the school at record speed. Lita started to rush off too, but stopped after only running a few feet ahead.
Pivoting on her heel she looks at me, her expression screaming, "Aren't you coming?"
I couldn't give her an answer.
I was still stuck on what she'd said before.
"And the rest of us are single? But I'm not...aren't I..."
I... I love you, Joseph Wheeler.
"Mina? Are you okay?"
"Fine," I reply, clenching my fists. "I just uh...realized I left last night's assignment at home."
Lita stares at me oddly, her ponytail bobbing in the passing breeze. "Mina...today's the last day before break. We don't have any assignments due...just the last of our exams."
"That's odd..." I murmur softly. "For Ami not to mention it..."
There were other things off too. If this was supposed to be the final day before winter break...why were we dressed in our summer uniforms? Why aren't there any clouds out? Why is it so hot out today...
You don't like winter, remember? Is what's going on not sinking in yet?
Why am I here in Japan? Why am I talking to Serena, Lita, and Ami like nothing's happened?
"What's really going on, Mina?" Lita asks, concern swimming in her green eyes. "Talk to me."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"You abandoned me."
"What are you talking about, Mina..."
"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME! ALL OF YOU BETRAYED ME!"
The air instantly turns frigid, and I immediately fold my arms around myself to fend off the cold as vicious puffs of snow fly past, blocking my vision for a few seconds.
When I open my eyes, I find myself standing before the lake in Azabu Park.
"What..."
The word leaves my mouth and fades into the wind before I can think of what I really wanted to ask. In the still water of the lake I see my reflection...but something's wrong with it.
My gaze is on the water's surface, and my arms are still crossed in front of my chest.
My reflection's gaze is on her feet. Her arms rest by her sides.
I'm not speaking, but my reflection's mouth is moving rapidly, forming words at a frantic pace that's almost frightening.
All thoughts about Lita and the others forgotten, I try to read my reflection's lips.
I...
I want...
I want to...
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
Why...
Why...
Why won't you...
Let me...
Die...
Let me...
Die...
Let her...
Kill me...
Let her...
Kill you...
The reflection starts to laugh, but I don't hear it.
And soon that reflection is morphing into a new shape. The lines framing my body and hair all shift and twist into something taller, more muscular, and...with much shorter hair. The skin too has changed slightly, darkening by a single tone...
When the shape settles, I have to suppress a gasp.
"Joey...?"
His mouth moves in the same rapid way my reflection's had a few seconds earlier. Once more I study the movement of his lips, reading the words he says.
Please...
Die...
Please...
Live...
Don't come back.
Come back to me.
I love you.
I hate you.
I want you.
You disgust me.
I'm yours.
Don't come near me.
Hate me.
Love me.
The words of Joey's likeness contradict each other. This shadow can't seem to make up its mind on what it really wants...just as I can't decide how I really feel about anything anymore.
The blurry vision of a little boy crying as he stares at himself...
That vision isn't of Joey.
Don't die, Mina! Please! Joey needs you.
That other voice is someone I know but...
I can't place it.
You can still make things right with him and everyone else! I'll help you do that! I swear it!
Just like before, my right hand twitches...
Please...
The reflection in the water changes again, but the image is distorted.
Just like the familiar voice I can't place, I have no idea who this person in the water is.
But he calls out to me from the shimmering surface. His voice is clear and powerful.
Stay alive...
Move forward...
Don't give up...
The joys and sorrows of the past must remain in the past.
That's the only way we'll move on.
That's the only way we'll heal.
The setting around me changes once more. This time I'm in a room bathed in moonlight, standing before a bay window with a gorgeous view of a city I've never seen.
Before I can wrap my head around that, strong arms fold around my waist from behind. An instant later, I feel the light pressure of someone's lips along my neck.
Silence envelops us. There are no words in this space. Only thoughts, emotions, and a heightened sense of touch.
The man holding me stops kissing my neck after a few seconds, but the sensation lingers on my skin. His hold on me is loose.
I can break free if I want to.
I don't want to.
"What do I do?"
For a few seconds I balk at the question I voice in my mind. Under different circumstances, I would have been shouting, "Get your hands off of me you pervert!"
But I don't feel that way here in this man's arms.
A part of me would like to believe this is Joey...
But having been in Joey's arms multiple times...I can already tell that this is a different man.
The unfamiliar yet familiar voice I can't match a face to speaks in my head.
"The choice is yours to make, Mina. Not mine."
One of the man's hands leaves my waist. His fingertips graze the back of my hand, as if asking if he can hold it. I stare at his hand for a brief second then allow the palms of our hands to connect, his fingers slipping through the spaces in mine. His skin is a little darker than mine, more tan.
Definitely not Joey.
This should feel foreign and wrong, especially since this isn't Joey's hand I'm holding...but...
"Who are you?"
Who are you?
"You just called me by name. You know exactly who I am."
Do you know who you are?
"Of course I do! What kind of idiot are you!?"
If you know who you are now...why do you keep running back to the past?
The question stuns me into silence, and the man squeezes my hand. It's a reassuring pressure that calms the anxiety festering inside my heart.
"The past was better. I was a better person then. Why can't I go back to being that person?"
Because that isn't how life works, Mina. People change a little every day. Who you were in the past isn't who you are now. The life you lived before is gone. You have to accept this and move forward. You can't live your life looking back and wishing things wouldn't have changed.
"I didn't want to live anymore. Why are you talking to me as if you think you can make me choose life?"
The man pulls me against him and presses a gentle kiss to my cheek.
I'm not here to make you do anything. I understand how you feel. I don't want to live either...but I still have a reason to keep going in spite of that. So do you.
His lips return to my neck, and I lean into it despite wondering if this guy was just using my vulnerable emotional state to have his way with me.
Right now...I don't really care. He won't do anything I don't allow him to do. I know that from how tender his kisses are and how careful he is in how he touches me.
And because of that, I feel safe. I'm truly and utterly safe from whatever harm wants to claim my body and soul while wrapped up in this man's arms. These arms won't hurt me. They'll protect me, and I'll...be okay.
This certainty draws a few tears of relief from my eyes, but it's a fleeting sentiment I'm not meant to hold on to.
The mystery man trails a few more kisses along my jaw, and after those kisses he stops abruptly, leaving me a little breathless. At some point he let go of my hand, but his arms remain around my waist in a tight yet comfortable embrace.
"You the clingy type?"
It's the first words I've said aloud. The man chuckles softly. It's a rich and warm sound that slaps me back into reality like ice water.
"Maybe a little."
The silence disappears as the sounds of the city reach into the quiet of the moonlit room.
I know who the voice belongs to now.
I need you to live...because I... I love you too.
Pure disgust and regret tear through me so viciously I want to vomit.
How could I forget Joey so easily? He was the only one who stood by me through all this and I...
Even if all this is just a made-up scenario in my mind...
"Let go!"
Suzaku's arms leave me immediately, and when I blink again, I'm back at Azabu Park, staring at my reflection in the water. This time, the reflection is dressed in the orange and black battle-suit and Bakura's coat.
This image of me is drenched in blood from head to toe.
The reflection mouths a question to me.
Can you accept this version of yourself? Can you accept that this is who you are now? Are you ready to die with this truth in mind?
My right hand twitches.
"No."
That singular no forces me out of whatever hallucination I had been in, plunging me back into the grand foyer where my mother initiated her final attack against me.
With the golden blade in hand, I deflect her blade with a single wail of anguish. Her weapon flies out of her hand and clatters noisily against the dusty marble floor.
The sound isn't enough to drown out the awful voice clawing at the edge of my consciousness.
Then kill her.
Gritting my teeth, I inhale and exhale shakily and lock eyes with the spirit of my mother.
"No."
It was instinctual, the movement Minako Aino made to deflect her mother's attack within the ream of C. The Millennium Sword, a weapon crafted in an era long before this present moment, glowed faintly as Cecelia Aino withdrew by a few steps, her expression contemplative as she watched her sword clatter to the ground.
Having a clearer mind and stronger sense of what needed to be done next, Mina inhales and exhales a few times before locking eyes with the spirit of her mother.
"KILL HER!"
"Did you not hear me?" Mina whispers, addressing the voice in her head. "I said no."
Cecelia's expression shifts to one of puzzlement. "What's wrong? You want to die, don't you?"
Mina offers a single nod without any trace of hesitation.
"Then why stop me?"
The ribbon-wearing blonde takes her time answering while contemplating the hallucination she'd just come out of. She wasn't sure if what she experienced was a product of this mysterious realm, her mental instability, her Geass powers, or all of it put together.
In the end, what she saw and experienced amounted to one realization she couldn't ignore.
"Earlier you told me that I don't live for anyone but myself." Mina releases a sigh then, her sapphire eyes moving to her mother's abandoned sword. "As harsh as those words were, there's truth to them. I have no desire to move forward for the sake of those I hurt. I have no desire to face the consequences of my actions either. What I wanted was to return to the past and live in the happiness I once knew, but..."
Cecelia doesn't say anything, merely waists as Mina collects her thoughts.
"I don't deserve forgiveness or a future," she continues after a while, looking directly at her mother again. "There's no part of me that wants to earn those things either...but I must."
"And why is that?"
"Because I can't accept the monster I've become." With a flick of her wrist, Mina allows the golden sword to disappear. "I don't want that to be all I am in the end, and I don't want to run away from who I am in this moment. I want to erase her and become something better. There would be no peace for me in death knowing I'd sunk so low. For that reason alone, I have to keep living. Though not the only option available to me, it's the only choice with any hope of real redemption in my own eyes."
Cecelia's expression softens somewhat. "Is that your final answer?"
"It is," Mina replies, her resolve firm. "This isn't a question of duty or honor anymore. I've abandoned such things. But as you told me before, I have unfinished business in the real world, and I need to ask for forgiveness from someone who chose to love me in spite of my actions."
"Are you choosing to live for his sake?"
Mina's expression shifts slightly, indicating uncertainty and traces of guilt.
"I don't know. All I know is that I have to keep living, regardless of how hard it is."
The older woman doesn't say anything as she begins to walk toward her abandoned sword. As she moves, dust rises off the floor, quickly transforming into tiny diamonds of light that hover in the air. Glass and other debris soon join those particles in a waltz around them, but Mina's gaze remains on her mother throughout this process.
Little by little, the stains of blood and other fluids disappear from Cecelia's white clothes. Then, a small collective of the diamond dust gathers beneath the woman's elbow in the shape of an arm.
A flash of light blinds Mina for an instant. In the next, her mother's arm is whole again and her missing eye has returned to its socket.
"You worry me, dear," Cecelia says after a moment, bending down toward the ground to pick up her sword. Sheathing it, she continues, murmuring, "You cannot live solely for your own sake just as you can't live solely for the sake of others. There must be a balance."
"Balance, eh?" With a sardonic laugh, Mina pivots on her heel, turning her back to her mother and the palace slowly reconstructing itself. "I'll keep that in mind."
Cecelia laughs softly. "I would hope so. You were never the best at listening to instructions."
Mina smiles at that. "Isn't this more like motherly advice?"
"You have a tendency to fight me on everything," Cecelia replies, a hint of teasing attached to the words. "But you're a smart and brave girl, Mina. I know you'll find your way."
Those words break the dam walling up the grief and shame she'd been keeping inside. In an instant Mina looks over her shoulder, tears falling in earnest as she reaches out a hand to her mother.
Without words, Cecelia races over to her daughter and cradles her in an almost bone-crushing hug.
"We'll see each other again someday," she whispers amidst Mina's soft sobs. "Just do your best for me, Minako-chan."
Mina nods against her mother's shoulder, barely able to get out the words, "I love you."
"I love you too," Cecelia whispers, ignorant of the tears falling from her own eyes. "Now go. I'll be keeping a sharp eye on you. Be strong."
"Yes ma'am. I'll redeem myself and make you proud."
Cecelia laughs again, her hold barely tightening around her daughter.
"There's no need for you to worry about that. I've always been proud of you. You don't have to earn my love or forgiveness. Just work on loving and forgiving yourself...because that's the person you need love from the most."
Having given her daughter this last bit of advice, Cecelia gently extracts herself from Mina's hold.
The doors behind Mina open and the wind pulls at her, slowly drawing her away from the palace foyer.
She stares at her mother's beautiful face for as long as she can, then with a sad smile and a timid wave, she turns toward the courtyard and begins the path of her life anew.
Walking through a veil of light, Sailor Venus hears her mother speak one final time.
You'll be alright my dear. You won't be fighting alone anymore.
December 25th, 2017
Silence.
Blissful, empty silence.
That's what registers first when I wake up.
It's not that there isn't noise in the room. As my vision starts to clear, a slow but steady beeping makes itself known. Then I notice the hum of the air conditioner buzzing through the room. Once I'm able to make out the ceiling above my head, soft snoring reaches my ears.
Only then do I notice the slight pressure against my left hand.
I know without looking that Joey is the one beside me.
There's a dull ache in my chest and an oxygen mask over my mouth.
"Hospital..." I think groggily, closing my eyes again for a moment. "I'm alive."
This wasn't the outcome I expected or wanted...
But for the first time in a really long time...
I feel content.
And this silence is mine.
A/N: And with that, I think from here on we'll be moving on to the epilogue chapters of this story. There are several things to tie up, but we're in falling action territory now so...man this story has been a journey in and of itself. I'm not going to get all mushy about it here though. The story isn't over yet. I still have chapters to write. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Thank you for reading it! Best wishes and God bless you all.
