NOTE: I usually don't specifically ask my readers to trust me in terms of story elements, but this one is a bit of a surprise until the character explains themselves, I feel? Even then, it ends up feeling like there's more to the story, and there is, of course. So in advance of this (kind of intense) chapter, I am asking you to bear with me. I absolutely love it, but it's a shift, for sure.
Chapter Three: Stars, Hide Your Fires
During the next few days, everyone from Phoenix House worked very hard to help out at #12 Grimmauld Place. So hard that on Tuesday, Elodie complained to herself that she had barely even seen Sirius, Harry, or Remus except in groups of other Order members. This seemed reasonable on the first day, but started to worry her on the second day. Now that it was the third day, she started to miss her housemates.
Sirius had slept in the living room on the floor next to Harry on the couch both nights, but Elodie had no intention of saying anything to them about it until after Harry's court appearance.
For one thing, Elodie wasn't actually supposed to know much about how Harry thought about things, or what his everyday life was like at Hogwarts, but she was pretty sure that he was too lonely in the basement bedroom without his classmates. It was also probably too nice (or large) to remind him of life at the Dursleys, either. That was just fine with her, at least for now. Harry would feel like he belonged at Phoenix House eventually, and she didn't want to push it.
She dearly missed Sirius's presence next to her in bed, though. Sure, they'd formed a bit of a routine to their relationship, but that didn't mean it wasn't at times exciting and overwhelming, just as it had been when they'd started! At the same time, she didn't want Sirius to think of her as needy. Harry was the person who needed Sirius the most right now, and he was devoting almost all of his time to Harry. Elodie told herself not to be jealous of the natural way he was prioritizing Harry above everyone else at such a delicate time.
Then, there was Remus. Elodie hated the idea of needing to come to him as a supplicant and asking him to please take some time to talk with her about their couple subterfuge. She knew he was intelligent enough to know that, given their dynamic, he should be the one to come to her, but it hadn't happened, and all she could do was think about the consequences. They wouldn't be prepared, they'd look like naive idiots trying to deceive qualified and experienced aurors like Moody…
At least one thing had gone exactly as she'd hoped it would: the curtains. Walburga Black adored them, and her screams were fewer and farther in between, though there was a new subject on which she loved to holler.
She absolutely hated it when the wind of passersby shifted the curtains away from the 'just so' she liked them to lay at.
Elodie was waiting for her chance to say 'I told you so,' but expected it would be a long wait, given that her plan's greatest detractors had been Gryffindors.
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Well, it's Wolfsbane week, Elodie told herself as she Flooed to Grimmauld alone again. I'll haveto see Remus at some point today, unless he miraculously chooses today to be the first time he dips out his own goblet of the stuff.
She was probably being unfair, especially to Remus. His time had been taken up working to clear one of the attic rooms of its infestation of nesting doxies- pregnant, settled doxies. They were rare enough that even most magizoologists had never come across a colony of them. They were the most docile in the very early morning, which for pregnant doxies was the equivalent of waking a person up five or six hours after their bedtime, at their deepest sleep. They were also quite vicious and powerful even then, so Albus, Remus, and Alastor were the ones handling that room. Remus woke and left Phoenix House before the other three of them stirred. Sirius had taken to having Harry come with him on his morning runs, and it was more fun for them to go without having to worry about timing their return to the house. So they'd wake up around sunrise, eat something light, and leave, Apparating to an area close to headquarters once they were finished running.
Elodie checked the magical house layout scroll on the dinner table that listed where everyone was working. It was similar to the Marauder's Map, but the parchment was flimsy and it was clearly only temporary. The places that still needed workers were color coded, and Elodie spent the morning hopping from room to room, helping out as needed. She didn't see Remus at all, only saw the kids in passing, and only saw Sirius after most of the Order had lunch. Elodie had been helping Tonks and Hestia with a creature in the basement and all three of them had missed lunch. Elodie was the only one of the three who didn't need to go back to her house and change clothes, so she ate a quick sandwich in the kitchen while she waited for the other ladies to return. There was still some cleanup to be done before they'd consider themselves completely finished.
"Hello stranger," Sirius said, coming up behind where Elodie was standing in the kitchen sipping her tea. She smiled over her shoulder at him and he hugged her tight, his chest to her back. "Remus asked me to send you up when you are done eating."
"In the attic?" Elodie asked, finishing the last gulp of tea. Sirius nodded. "I miss you a bit," she mustered enough courage to say. "Glad you're with Harry so much, though."
"Yes," Sirius said, smiling contentedly. "I have… Merlin, a lot to say about him. Someday soon, yeah?" He shook his head like he was stunned and pressed a hand against his chest. She could read the strength of his emotions in every breath he took, and she nodded.
"See you later," she said then, smiling mischievously as she handed him her tea mug. Ordinarily she'd have cleansed it with magic, but she had just saddled Sirius with that job. He'd figure that out soon enough, Elodie chuckled to herself.
The attic at #12 Grimmauld Place was complicated to get to. It was an old, intertwined sort of house, with staircases and alcoves and plenty of dead ends. Sirius had told Elodie the secret, though. There was a kind of 'spine' to the house, and the corridors and staircases that made up that spine always had a gold color somewhere prominently in their decoration. Slytherin colors might be silver and green, but the erstwhile owners of this house still saw gold as a sign of wealth and status.
She was almost out of breath when she reached the top of the last staircase. In front of her were two rooms with a hallway between them. Sirius hadn't specified which room, so she skipped the first (it looked empty) and braved the dark hallway to seek out the second room.
This room looked empty as well. She walked over to check behind some stacked boxes to see if Remus was there.
Behind her, a voice said, "Elodie?"
It was Remus, and he looked surprised to see her.
"Hey there," she said to him. "Good job on the doxies! Sirius sent me up."
Remus raised an eyebrow. "Did he? Were you listening to what he was saying, or his body language?" he asked, sounding unhappy with her.
"I'm sorry, what?" Elodie said, vastly confused. "He told me you wanted to see me upstairs."
"Oh, Padfoot," Remus sighed. He scrubbed a hand through his hair and let his arm drop in frustration. "I suppose you don't see what he's doing."
A horrible suspicion bloomed in Elodie's chest. "You mean the way he's been avoiding me? You know why, then?" she forced herself to ask. She took a few steps sideways, noting the open room door and thinking she could position herself so she could move to close it and keep the upcoming conversation private, at least.
Remus chuckled mirthlessly. "You've managed to turn the most selfish wizard in Britain selfless, just through loving you. I'm impressed! And now, he's throwing us together," he said. It was half accusation, half revelation, and each half was wholly shocking. She shook her head at Remus, stepping back away from him toward the door. "He thinks it's best for everyone, I suppose. He assumes neither of us will have to lie, you see, and Harry will have a loving couple as his guardians."
"That's not-" Elodie tried to object, but Remus's voice just got louder as he continued. She hugged her arms to her chest and sidestepped again, never taking her eyes from him.
"He's forgotten a variable, though, hasn't he? Me!" Remus pounded his fist to his chest once, twice. "Any idiot can see that how you feel is no secret," he scoffed, and Elodie gasped, feeling like he'd just stabbed her. She tried to catch her breath, but Remus kept speaking as if he'd been holding all of these words back for months and was finally forced by the situation to tell her the truth. "Sirius is wrong. I would still have to lie. I can not, and will not love you. Do you hear me? Never!"
"Stop!" she whispered, covering her face with her hands.
"Come now, you're not stupid enough to-"
Elodie ran for the door, grateful to know that it was wide open. Her hands were still covering her face, but she didn't care. She felt the edge of the doorway, but then she ran right into another person. She threw her hands out to brace herself, opening her tear-wet eyes to see who it was.
It was Remus, his own eyes wide and horrified, his mouth open in shock. Behind her, she could still hear this man's voice coming out of her Boggart, saying horrible and cruel things.
She wrenched herself free and tried to run away from him, too.
"No! No, Elodie, don't, please. Ellie, no," the real Remus said, struggling to catch hold of her. He sounded desperate, but he was the last person on the planet she wanted to face right now.
The stairs were right there and she had almost reached them when Remus's arms came around her from behind, gentle but inexorable.
Wolf speed. Wolf strength. It was the start of his full moon week.
"Shit, Elodie!" His voice sounded completely wrecked.
Remus's grip held her arms against her body. She was completely unable to reach her wand, and she felt more vulnerable than she ever had as a Muggle. Elodie's tears kept falling, and there was something particularly horrible about sobbing without being able to touch your own face, without being able to hide how hard and fast the tears were falling, without being able to stuff a hand in your mouth to keep the sounds in as best you could.
Behind her, Remus was breathing heavily too. Elodie didn't want to know how much he'd heard, but the worst part had been the end, anyway.
I can not and will not ever love you, the Boggart had said.
"Muffliato," Remus whispered, without moving at all. She had no doubt that the wandless spell had worked, though, and it was a painfully kind gesture on his part. The sounds she was making were unmistakable, and if anyone heard them, they'd come running to see who was in such distress. He adjusted his grip on her and she was afraid he wanted her to turn around.
"Don't," Elodie repeated. Her voice sounded alien to her, raw and wounded.
"I have to. If I don't, we'll have no hope of convincing anyone we're fit guardians for Harry," Remus whispered. "Ellie."
He was right, and in that moment she hated that he was right. His Boggart was the moon, she knew that from the books, but it might just as well be Moony. Remus Lupin was so buttoned up that even his Boggart hid what he was truly afraid of, Elodie thought to herself viciously. She knew they would have to talk this out, but not now, not with her face wet with tears and her heart beating outside of her chest!
Her wand was unreachable, and she thought about what she would have done if it wasn't someone she loved holding her captive. Protego was cast on what the wand pointed to, she knew. Could she form that shield around herself?
Remus drew a breath to speak, and Elodie concentrated on tracing the wand movement in her mind and shouted out, "Protego," her hand pointing up at her chest.
She didn't manage to cast a fully-fledged shield charm, but it was something, and most importantly it was enough to allow her to slip free of his grasp and run down the stairs as if a dark creature was chasing her.
She knew she must look like a fright, but Elodie ran down one flight of stairs, then another, until she was on a level that Order members had been using rooms to sleep in. She threw herself through a door and warded it shut, hearing Moody's voice on the other side and ignoring him. The room she'd chosen at random was small, a servant's quarters perhaps, but it had a bed, and Elodie threw herself on it and wept as hard as she had ever cried for any reason.
After a long time, she fell asleep.
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Elodie woke up in complete darkness. She was confused at first, as she'd managed to get used to the fact that Sirius's bedroom didn't have curtains. Now it was Elodie and Sirius's bedroom, and it still didn't have curtains, so she knew she couldn't be there now, given that the full moon would be in about six days.
She rolled over onto her back and winced. If she'd been a robot, she'd have creaked, she thought. That mental image didn't dissuade her from thinking about the full moon, and about Remus.
"Oh, fuck, what a mess," Elodie groaned out loud. "Accio book of how to spontaneously die," she added.
An odd sound had her sitting up and scrambling for her wand to cast Lumos.
It was a small room, and in one corner of it stood her housemate.
Elodie lifted her chin. She would not cry. Instead, she asked, in an even but angry tone that made her proud of her restraint, "How the fuck did you get inside my wards?"
"Moody," Remus said. "He knows a spell that lets a person… slip through, without lifting them."
"Well, given that he is not here, I'll do you the favor of lifting them long enough for you to slip back out."
"That's, ah, going to be a problem," Remus said, rubbing the back of his neck with a hand.
She knew Moody. She knew Remus. His reaction undoubtedly meant Moody had cast his own wards, probably ones that locked them both in.
Elodie fell back onto the bed with a groan. A moment later, she got up and walked over to the window. She calmly opened it and noted the lack of screen. After she stuck her head out to see how far up the window was, Remus walked over to stand beside her.
"What are you doing?" he asked. The question made her want to laugh, but she ignored him instead, and pictured the object she wanted to conjure in her mind. After struggling for a few seconds with what word to use to bring it into being, she tried 'Producendum.'
A perfect replica of the emergency fire ladder that lived in her bedroom in Massachusetts appeared in her hand, complete with the hooking mechanism to attach to the window frame. It wasn't until she'd thrown the bulk of the cloth and metal ladder out the window and started to attach it to the sill that Remus actually understood what she was doing.
"Elodie, you are not going to climb out of that window."
"Yes, Remus, I am."
Remus let out a sound of frustration that would have garnered sympathy from her if it had been any other day. "I really don't know who to be more angry at right now. You, the Boggart, or Sirius," he groaned, inexplicably unbuttoning the light cloth vest he was wearing over his button-down shirt. The action was so odd that she simply watched him as he stripped the vest off and worked on unbuttoning the cuffs of his shirt, rolling them up to his elbows. His words were confusing, but his actions were bizarre.
Too late, Elodie realized that Remus had distracted her long enough to move closer, blocking too much of the window for her to escape. In another shocking move, he reached out and took her wand from her and tossed it out the open window. Then, he held his own wand up where she could see it, then tossed it out, as well.
"You're clever, I'll give you that," Elodie said when her shock had worn off enough to speak. She crossed her arms but didn't step back, even though they were standing inches apart from each other. It wasn't enough distance, so she added more by shutting her eyes.
"Don't do that. Don't shut me out," Remus said gently.
"Not shutting you out has always been the problem," Elodie said, scrunching her face up against the way her heart hurt to even say that. She shook her head and kept her eyes closed. "I'm fine with trying it now, for a change of pace. Will you back up, now, please?"
"No." She could picture him shaking his head at her.
"I assume Moody has taken it upon himself to meddle up some wards that will prevent me from simply walking over and leaving through the door?" Elodie asked.
"Yes. He… he was worried when he saw how upset you were. Wanted us to-"
"I am not going to talk to you right now!" she interrupted, feeling a surge of anger. Elodie looked at him despite her determination not to; she told herself it was to be prepared for whatever his reaction would be.
Remus pinched the bridge of his nose for a few seconds, then nodded as though he'd made a decision. In a voice that sounded as stubborn as she'd ever heard from him, he spoke.
"I can't make you talk to me, but I can make you respond to me, and damn Sirius back to Azkaban for showing me how!"
She backed away as he started toward her, and he didn't stop moving until she was trapped in the corner. He braced himself on the wall with one hand and leaned over to look at her directly. Because this was Remus, it wasn't until he used his free hand to brush her sleep-mussed hair away from her face that she really understood what he had meant. His comments about Sirius had been inexplicable unless they were about…
"You wouldn't!" she exclaimed, less of an argument than an expression of disbelief. She laid her hands flat on the wall on either side, afraid of how they might betray her if she touched him.
Remus looked away from her eyes to watch his own hand as he sank his fingers into her hair. His thumb slid across her jawline and pressed, tipping her head toward him.
"I am not my Boggart," Remus whispered, leaning in. "Talk to me, Ellie?"
"No."
Elodie felt like Remus was playing chicken with her, trying to make her dodge first. He wouldn't actually do anything more than threaten her with compliance, she was certain of that.
In a move of defiance, she twisted her head to break his grip. Now she was in control of the way her face was angled up toward him, but his thumb swiped back across her cheek and against the corner of her mouth.
Then, he kissed her like a conqueror, like this was about what he wanted, and not about her at all. Remus's thumb held her open for him and he chased her tongue with his, not allowing her to ignore him or what he was making her feel. This was no innocent kiss in the meadow or reluctant duty at the Third Task. It took all her effort to keep her hands still against the wall. His hand slid down to hook around her waist in a swift movement, pulling her closer against him. Her shirt rode up with the movement, pressing the skin of his arm against her bare back.
He was warm. His touch felt so intimate, certainly forbidden in many ways, and Elodie scratched her fingernails against the wall in frustration. This just led him to press his body against hers more fully, his other arm coming down to support her weight as he actually pushed her up the wall, more in line with his height. Remus was dominating her, and she'd managed not to do much more than enjoy it without kissing him back. Her resolve was beginning to break before he started kissing down her neck.
"Stop me. Put your hands on me. Push me away," he said, each word spoken between tastes of her. She shook her head. He'd said he was going to force a reaction, and Elodie was as stubborn as he was.
"Stop yourself," she countered, opening her eyes to see what he would do.
It was a mistake. He'd kissed over to the join of her neck and shoulder, and when she'd spoken, it was right into his ear, her lips brushing against it. He groaned at the sensation, and scraped his teeth against her skin. She gasped at the flash of pure desire that shot through her and her hands came up to grasp his shoulders. This pushed her body toward him with the loss of leverage to hold herself up, and he caught her with his hips. Without even thinking about it, she reacted to this by wrapping one of her legs around his, aligning them just perfectly for her to feel how much he wanted her.
They stared at each other. Elodie bit her lip, awash in desire for him that she couldn't repress, as if the Boggart had flayed open the space she kept her feelings for Remus, making them vulnerable for exploitation. Of all the times Elodie had kissed his lips and touched him, this was the one time there was no outside mechanism to explain or hide it away. There was no memory charm, no lycanthropic self, no dire necessity of saving her life this time.
"Stop," she whispered at him. She didn't feel like she meant it, and he looked like he could tell.
"Talk to me, and I will." His lips curled into a devious smile and his eyes lit up.
Elodie groaned and buried her head in his shoulder. She loved him so much in that moment that it physically hurt, and she wanted to kiss him until he gave up and believed her.
"Respond to me, then?" his voice rumbled in her ear, naughty and tempting.
Only bravery could have prompted her to lift her head to look at him, and prompt it did.
"You don't really mean that," she said, despite the evidence of him, pressed up against her. That was mere biology, she told herself. One plus one equals two.
"I thought it through while you were sleeping," he said. "We have court in three days, and we can't be-" he paused as she reached down and eased her shoe off of the leg she had wrapped around him, rubbing against him in the process. She caught her breath, and he finished the sentence with a groan. "-distant."
Elodie gathered up her sense of pride and said, in a small voice, "You think pretending you actually want me is going to make us look more realistic to strangers?"
Remus made a sound of frustration. "Do you think I could stand like this with your body against mine, your taste in my mouth, and not actually want you?" he whispered in a low, raspy voice. Remus spoke with his lips close to her ear. "'Stars, hide your fires. Let light not see my black and deep desires,'" he quoted. He kissed her shoulder, his breath hot through the fabric of her shirt. "Talk to me, or kiss me back, Elodie. Simple."
Elodie felt drugged with sensation and bittersweet dreams fulfilled. At the same time, he'd just basically thrown down a gauntlet, and she didn't have the discipline to ignore it. "'On purpose laid to make the taker mad,'" she quoted, sliding her leg back down to help support herself. "'Mad in pursuit and in possession so.'"
Remus looked so surprised that she'd quoted Shakespeare right back at him that she managed to wriggle free. Instead of chasing her, he rested his forehead on the wall she'd just vacated.
"Only you would quote a sonnet on lust in a bid to chastise!" Remus groaned. "Do you exist just to torture me?"
"If I did, Remus, I'd be halfway down the ladder by now."
He spun around to face the window, but Elodie had sat down on the desk across the room with her feet on the seat of its matching chair, using it as a shield. She took off her other shoe and tossed it to join its mate, over near where Remus was standing.
"All right, then." Remus slid his hands into his pockets gingerly. "The Boggart."
Elodie grimaced. "I think I preferred the poetry."
"'Had, having, and in quest to have extreme; A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe,'" he quoted, his voice husky and quiet. They were the direct next lines of the sonnet she'd quoted to him.
"Even if Hogwarts does teach Shakespeare in Muggle Studies, something tells me this one isn't in the curriculum," Elodie said, feeling both shocked and daring. Somehow, talking about sex and desire in poem form with Remus was almost as intimate as him unexpectedly kissing her. "I didn't learn it in school, either," she told him. "'Before, a joy proposed-'"
"Stop," Remus said.
"But you wanted me to talk," she said archly.
"Yes, about the Boggart," Remus sighed, rubbing one eye with the base of his palm. "I'm sorry, Elodie, but I believe I heard everything it said to you."
"I am not going to go over that, not today, not-"
He interrupted her again. "If I were Elodie, and the roles were reversed, how would I persuade you to talk about this?"
She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. He could talk all he wanted, but she wasn't going to participate.
"I would probably make a list," he said, walking into the middle of the room. "Does 'lies to refute' sound like a good title for it?" She refused to react, so he held up one finger. "Item one: Sirius is pushing you away."
Remus waited, and she knew why. The Boggart had called Sirius the most selfish man in the country, she remembered. That could probably qualify as the first thing to refute, but Elodie had been serious when she said she didn't want to talk about this today, so she didn't want to let Remus bait her into it just to correct his mistake.
"Item two: that Remus Lupin could never love you."
He'd used the third person, and she appreciated the distance. Still, she looked away, unwilling and utterly unable to let herself wonder what kind of facial expression he was making.
"Item three: that you could ever be considered stupid." His tone of voice was derisive in a way that it hadn't been for the other two points. This was gratifying, but also illustrated a problem.
Elodie had thought she could ignore him, but her Achilles heel was the fact that she loved him and therefore valued his opinions. There was no way she could continue to sit still and listen to this conversation in particular without being tempted to participate (which was his goal, damn him), so it was time to try a new tactic.
Remus Lupin wanted to talk about something Elodie Merriman did not? It was time to turn the tables on him.
"Remus?"
"Yes, Elodie?" His voice was wary.
"Why are you so… physical with me today? It seems so-" she stopped, unable to properly articulate the change. Remus seemed to always have a low-level current of self control that was a part of him, and that seemed to have deserted him, today. There was no way in hell Elodie could be more blunt about it than that.
"Yes, I suppose you were asleep for…" Remus muttered, seemingly to himself. Then, he squared his shoulders and took a step closer to her and spoke. "Moody… stopped me, when I had followed you, earlier. We talked for a long time. He had a lot of advice on whether the Ministry was likely to be suspicious of us, and what they would be on the lookout for if they were."
That wasn't at all what she had expected him to say! "Go on?"
"Well, as you know, Alastor can be rather blunt," Remus said, blushing. "I assure you that what I've… That is to say, my approach, what I've done so far, is- is a bit tame, in comparison to-"
"Holy fuck, what on Earth did he say? Wait, on second thought, don't tell me," Elodie blurted out, horrified.
"Quite," Remus managed. He wasn't making eye contact.
"So you went with the Third Task approach instead, sans potion?" she asked, taking pity on him just a little.
"Yes. I wasn't about to trick you or force you into something you weren't willing to- That is to say, I remembered you had responded- Merlin, this is-" he broke off again and walked over to the window without saying anything further.
"It's almost as if it's as hard for you to think I want you as it is for me to think you want me!" Elodie said impulsively, laughing ruefully as she spoke. Then, when she realized what she said, she covered her mouth with her hand and stared over to where Remus stood at the window.
The thing was, he had to know by now. If he hadn't known before the Third Task, he definitely knew by the time it was over. Vocalizing this was the taboo, because of Sirius. Elodie rushed to speak again.
"I haven't forgotten- I mean, no matter what I have said or done, I wasn't trying to ignore or forget that I'm with Sirius, that I love Sirius," Elodie said, leaning forward to reach for the back of the chair in front of her. She laughed bitterly, hating how hollow it sounded to her own ears. "I probably sound like a hypocrite."
"You don't," Remus said. She saw that he was facing the window, but his head was tipped up toward the ceiling. "It's an extreme situation," he said after a long pause. He turned to face her. "The solution is for everyone to be truthful. Everyone."
She thought maybe he was subtly scolding her until he walked over to stand a foot in front of her chair.
"I have no intention of coming between you and Sirius, barring whatever is necessary to make it appear as if we are a happy, comfortable with each other couple," he said. He looked grave and sincere, fidgeting as if he were nervous about her reaction.
"I believe you. I trust you. So does Sirius, come to that- or he wouldn't have come up with that plan with the potion," she reminded him.
He sighed, explosively. "I am both grateful and frustrated about that," he muttered.
"Oh?" she pushed.
He looked at her with honesty blazing in his eyes. "I could have lived without knowing some of what I learned that day. It does make the 'fake couple' situation somewhat easier, I'll grant."
Remus's demeanor was that of someone making a confession, but she wasn't catching on to the specifics.
"I'm not trying to be deliberately obtuse, Remus, but-"
"I was bitten as a child, Elodie. I did not and do not ever intend to subject a woman to the life of a werewolf's wife, and as it turns out, I don't have the temperament for casual sex," Remus said baldly. He dragged a hand through his hair, and Elodie saw that it was shaking a bit. His smile was self-deprecating. "I don't like knowing what I am missing."
Elodie said, "I can't imagine anyone would make a better kind, intelligent, and thoughtful husband than you would, Remus. Most people have more time being selfish and vicious than one night a month, and they don't even take a potion to mitigate it!"
Remus laughed.
"You're not helping," he whispered, leaning over to say this to her as if he were imparting a secret.
"Just doing my part as your fake wife," Elodie said as gently as she could. "Truth-telling, remember?" she added with an impish smile.
Remus shut his eyes for a few seconds, and when he opened them, she could tell he was about to change the subject.
"Speaking of which, come here?"
"Why do I have a feeling this is Boggart related?" she griped, climbing down from the desk.
"Because, unbelievably, that subject is less fraught than anything else we've said in this room," Remus said. He held out his arm. "Do you know how to take a pulse?"
She nodded, and stepped close enough to touch his pulse point. His heartbeat was steady and un-elevated.
"Promise me you'll take this at face value and not argue with me?" he said next.
"Remus, you just guaranteed the complete opposite, you know that, don't you?"
He leaned over, his face very near hers. "Try."
"Fine," she said.
"Good." He straightened, took a deep breath, let it out, and said, "Kiss me."
"Remus John Lupin!" Elodie exclaimed. "What-"
He held up one finger. "One: an attempt to establish an illusion of intimacy. Two: to refute any mistaken belief that I am unaffected by you. Three-"
"Using lists is manipulative as fuck, you know," she groused. "You know I love lists. Sirius doesn't even use lists."
He grinned at her.
"Three," he persisted, "-you really would prefer this option to what Moody suggested."
"Oh Jeez, fine, I concede that without even knowing what it was," Elodie interrupted, covering her face with her hands.
"And four: a wife wouldn't hesitate to kiss her husband if asked, and the Ministry may well ask."
"Well, that's just not true at all!" Elodie said. "I can think of at least ten reasons off the top of my head right now."
"Are you trying to raise my heart rate by frustration and thwart my experiment?" he asked her in a tone of pure exasperation.
"Oh, were you trying to use your pulse rate as some kind of proof of-"
"I imagined that would be preferable to other, more… intimate confirmation, yes."
Elodie made a rude, dismissive sound. "That's just biology, that's not really proof of anything."
"That's not true- what about Moody, after your duel. His heart rate was elevated due to shock, but do you imagine he was aroused by your kiss?"
"That's a poor argument, it wasn't that kind of kiss," Elodie said.
"Fine. If I were to go and bring Bill Weasley here, do you believe you could fire him up with a kiss, unprompted?" he pressed her.
"No, I barely know Bill Weasley!" Elodie said, loudly.
"So you do admit there's an emotional component to this!" Remus said, sounding pleased.
"All right, yes, but-"
"Good. Then kiss me," Remus ordered.
Elodie stamped her foot. "Fine!" she practically shouted at him. She marched over and saw that he was breathing as heavily as she was, and felt contrite. "I fucked up your pulse thing," she said.
"You have a talent for it," he said, clearly trying to suppress a smile.
"Oh, shut up," she said. Elodie looked up at him and frowned. "I can't reach you."
"I don't think being shorter would stop you if we were married," he challenged, clasping his hands behind his back as if to show her she was completely in charge.
Elodie wanted to make some sort of quip about how his wife would probably beat him up as often as she kissed him, but she knew that wasn't true at all, and she didn't want to picture married bliss with Remus right now.
She stepped closer, close enough that her chest brushed against his shirt. Elodie bit her lip and looked up at him, and she could see the way his pupils darkened when he looked at her lips. The situation was rapidly changing from thought experiment to a faux romantic moment, so she lifted herself up on her tiptoes and reached up, sliding around the back of his neck with one hand and grabbing his collar with the other. Elodie pulled his head down and kissed him, angling her head so she wouldn't bump noses.
He was right, of course. Everything about that moment was heightened because of who he was and what she felt for him. The instant that her lips touched his she felt a surge of affection and desire, and that was reflected back at her when he responded, opening his mouth under hers, offering her more. She wanted more, she wanted his arms around her, she wanted him to touch her. The intensity of how much she wanted those things scared the hell out of her.
Elodie drew back and slid her hands down to his chest.
"Remus, what are we changing?" she asked in a hushed, frightened voice.
His hands came from behind his back to rest on her shoulders, thumbs brushing gently along her shirt seams. "Everything," he said quietly. "It doesn't have to be negative, you know."
She laid a hand on one of his. "I don't want to lose you because of this. I don't want to lose Sirius because of this, either."
"The best remedy for that is the truth," he said. Then, he asked her, "Am I affected by you?"
This was a turning point, Elodie could tell. If she reached for his pulse, she would be placing a (reasonable, honest, caring) level of distance between them. They could overcome it for Harry's sake, but it would be risky. If she pressed against him and kissed him again, she would be placing a (dangerous, honest, necessary) trust in him and in the deception they were being called to perpetuate.
If she did the latter, Elodie realized she would never, ever be able to shake either the memories or the hold he had on her heart, even if she succeeded in everything she planned to do, saved everyone she meant to save, and died at a crazy old age with Sirius Black at her side.
Under her hand, Remus's heartbeat steadily increased.
"Elodie?"
Slowly, Elodie arched up and kissed the center of Remus's chest. Then, she kissed a bit higher, then higher, and with each kiss she pressed herself against him a bit more. When she got to his neck, he made a groaning noise and folded his arms around her, and she could feel how hard he was, how much he wanted her in particular.
When she got close to the edge of his jawline, instead of what she'd wanted to say -something encouraging, something loving, even- what Elodie really said was, "I'm sorry."
He was as smart a person as anyone she'd ever met, and she hoped he understood what she meant by it, even as she hoped he would never understand all of what she meant.
He deserved a woman who loved only him, someone he could love back without reservation, despite all his misgivings. She was sorry that he clearly felt enough for her that he could respond in the way that he had, because it was her presence in his world that changed things so that he didn't have Tonks.
The sonnet they'd been quoting to each other ended by saying that men still chased lust, even though they should shun it for the hell it wrought. When Remus turned his head to catch her lips with his, she wondered if Shakespeare thought that love brought the same, delightful hell.
