Note: Been gone a while. Back on track. Still have a few chapters lined up now, hopefully I can keep ahead of the game. Updates might move to every OTHER week, as we're hitting the busy season on work, but no worries, this story will continue (Mass Effect: Andromeda aside)
Running On Empty: Why Do You Fill Me Up
The rest of the party went relatively smooth. Lady Vivienne was an excellent host and went through the motions of soothing her guests and making small talk of the incident with the Herald and the Marquis. I attempted to mingle with those around me, but my levels of anxiety had started to rise and the same nakedness I had felt before had returned. I said nothing to my companions, but the Iron Bull remained at my back, silent and watchful. He warded off any unwanted attention or talk and for that, I was grateful.
As the party started to dwindle, Josephine returned to us with the news that Lady Vivienne was going to travel with our company. My nose scrunched at the idea, but I said nothing. The Enchantress was under the impression that she was needed, and she was, but not desperately. Still, logic overruled my ruffled feathers; Lady Vivienne would have to take up residency in Haven anyway, and work with the Inquisition. Traveling with us allowed her to kill as many birds as she could with a single spell.
That didn't mean I was any more comfortable with having a new person at my back, but I trusted Bull, and Blackwall had wiggled his way into being another companion I could turn to for help. I suppose she could turn out to be the same way.
This is what had us packed up and marching toward Haven. In all actuality, I wanted to head toward the Hinterlands, to check on the progress of the watchtowers and if anyone had found the caches, as well as review Scout Harding's reports about the Fallow Mire. There was also the matter of Redcliffe and Grand Enchanter Fiona. I wasn't going to touch the Templar issue with a ten-foot pole, not yet.
There was a tug at my ear and instinctively I reached up and smacked the hand away. Bull's chuckle echoed in my ears and with a flush, I glared at him over my shoulder. He grinned at me, cheeky on top of his horse.
"What are you doing, troublemaker?" I said with a snort and rubbed at my reddened ear. Glancing around, there was no one else's attention on us. Lady Vivienne was at the front of the traveling party with Josephine, engaged in conversation. Blackwall sat straight on his horse, but the droop of his shoulders told me he was nodding off; our small group was making good time toward Haven.
"You were thinking too hard. I could see the steam come out of your ears." He gently urged his horse's pace to match that of Avonal's and came to be side by side with me.
I snorted again. "Was not, am not. There's... just a lot to do."
"Opinion time?" He offered, recalling the spotlight I had placed on him back when we had roamed the Storm Coast.
"Yeah, okay." I laughed. "Opinion time. So. We have the Hinterlands, again, always in a constant state of chaos. We have reports finally from Scout Harding about the Fallow Mire, but it has me worried because she normally doesn't take so long to survey an area." Avonal's ears swiveled at the sound of my voice, it was a rare thing that he got to hear his rider speak during travel. "Then we have this, this thing with the mages back in Redcliffe, also in the Hinterlands, and finally the Templars - who knows where the fuck they've gone."
"Hmm." Bull shifted in his saddle and scratched at his chest. I kept my eyes forward. "Well. We can follow in a straight line. We get to Haven, check up with everyone, do your paperwork, then after that we can head out to the Hinterlands and finish up loose ends there before heading down to the Fallow Mire." It was pretty much the same plan I had thought to take, but my self-confidence still wavered on the fence.
A sigh escaped me. "That's what I came up with, too, I just..." Second guess myself a lot. Bull was quiet as he rode beside me, his gaze on the traveling troops. A minuscule amount of shame iced my lungs. I shared nothing with the Qunari, I couldn't make decisions without second guessing them, I couldn't command troops without stuttering, I was incapable of standing tall in the face of danger or destruction.
I was the weakest link holding the wrecking ball where it matter most.
"We're going to head home," I forced my voice steady and raised my head, "check in with Cullen. We'll assess the situation of the Fallow Mire and depending on what we find, I'll either send the Chargers back to the Hinterlands and clear a path to Redcliffe or to the Fallow Mire to help with the rescue." My right hand came up to rub at my forehead and temple, a headache was forming behind my ears.
"Sure thing, boss." Bull answered lightly. The answer felt stilted, but I didn't know if that came from my own projections of uncertainty or if he truly agreed with my planning. I was too nervous to ask and so instead, let it go and stewed in my confusion.
The rest of the trip was quiet and we arrived in Haven within days. Once again my traveling companions were dashed to the winds upon arrival and Josephine and I were left to find space for Lady Vivienne back in the Chantry. I made the off handed comment to Josephine about giving up the cabin I stayed in for the enchantress.
"Are you sure?" Josephine asked hesitantly, her hands fidgeting with the papers on her desk. "We can surely find her somewhere else to stay...?"
I shook my head. "Josephine. I have no doubt that if she had to buckle down and rough it out, she could, but it's just easier if I pack up the nothing I have and sleep somewhere in a tent. Varric does it, why can't I?"
My ambassador remained stiff. "Yes, well, but you're the Herald. We wouldn't want you appearing tired or -"
"Josephine." I cut her off gently. I waited for her gaze to meet mine. "I'm always tired. The Mark never rests and neither do I. It's okay." Something crumbled behind her expression, a twisting pain that muted her eyes for just a moment. Guilt flirted with my organs and squeezed them tight, but I brushed it away. It was the truth. I only slept when I was exhausted, and I was constantly on the move, it was a never-ending game of borrowed time and energy.
"We'll see." Josephine rebuffed gently. "For now, we have a small section in the Chantry that is unused. She may stay there." I wasn't about to fight with my fiery ambassador as I had seen her talk down spitting nobles and righteous Chantry members. Meek though she appeared, she was still a head of the The Hydra and had no qualms about reminding me of it.
Quietly and with a wave to Minaeve, I left to do my rounds. I found the Commander in the War Room with Cassandra, pouring over the maps again. I shut the door behind me with a sigh and shuffled up next to my viper, leaning heavily against her side. Cassandra, bless her, made no move to dislodge me and continued with her planning, moving pieces and making notes. The Commander graced me with a curious look.
"I don't like politics." I answered his curious expression. Both he and Cassandra snorted simultaneously and a surprised laugh popped from my mouth. The Commander flushed along his cheeks and rubbed at his neck, his eyes cast down to the maps.
"I don't think anyone does, honestly." He grunted. "We've been attempting to field Chantry inquiries for weeks now and it seems to be getting worse."
"They're nervous." Cassandra shifted and I made sure not to slip. I leaned my hips against the table and rested my right hand on the surface, my Mark hidden behind my back. Cassandra rumbled low, her voice heavy. "They're trying to find our cracks and exploit them."
"Tell them I'm an abyss." I japed. "There are no cracks, only the fall." It was meant as a joke, but it may have been a bit too dark for my current audience. Cassandra and Cullen leveled me with worried looks and I gave them a sigh instead. With a wave of my hand, I looked down to the maps and tapped on the spot marked for the Fallow Mire. "What's the report from Scout Harding?"
"Leliana will have that." Cassandra answered briskly. "She should be finishing up with her people within the hour."
I nodded and turned to Cullen. "What's the status on the watchtowers?"
"It's been only three weeks since your departure, but we've managed to set up one. The other two are still in construction." He answered with squared shoulders. A heavy exhale rushed through my nose and I ran my hand down my chin, thoughtful. My eyes danced over the map and noted the different sections that had new pawns on them, new markers, notes stuck with scraps of parchment.
"Right." I murmured and caught their attention again. "Commander, depending on what I hear from Leliana, I need you to prep the troops for departure. I think - I want us to head out to the Fallow Mire and find our missing men."
Cullen stiffened. "... we've also found the men we lost on the Storm Coast."
"What?" My gaze was sharp enough to make him flinch the smallest amount. "When? Where are they?"
"Dead." Cassandra offered quietly. "For weeks, it seems, though we cannot truly tell as their bodies were swollen by the rains and rivers." I shut my eyes and tightened my muscles as a vicious shudder ran through my limbs. I lost men every day to the Templars and mages, to the unknowns that held rifts in their shadows, to demons and the like... but Harding had told me of these men and I had left them.
Knowingly I had left them to their fates, unaware if they had been dead or alive.
"Where's the Mercy Crest?" I asked lowly to Cullen.
The man swallowed and held the pommel of his sword. "It'll arrive within a few days time, Herald. The jewel took longer to set due to the quality of rock."
"Send it to the Storm Coast." I commanded with a rough voice. Anger soured under my tongue and sorrow warred under my breast and turned my stomach to bile. "Have Requisitions Officer Jenal hold it for me until I get there. Tell her to keep her men close and only push if she's encroached, but no more."
Cullen's eyes darkened and he nodded. "Understood, Herald. Are you headed to speak to Leliana, then?"
"I am." Gently, I placed a hand on Cassandra's arm. Her eyes turned to me, burning with the same anger I felt. "Assist Cullen with preparing the troops. We'll stop by Dennett's and get our horses. I'm not waiting anymore," My eyes turned to Cullen and a touch of a snarl curled the corner of my mouth, "I'm not losing more men in the Fallow Mire if I don't have to."
"Aye," Cassandra and Cullen breathed together with nods of their heads. I needed to hit something, but I also needed to finish this before I went off and acted like a child. My feet carried me through the Chantry and by the time I arrived at Leliana's tent, the last of her scouts were leaving. She noticed my approach and sighed with a tilt of her head.
"They told you." She said softly. My eyebrow ticked over my forehead and she sighed again. "I had asked them to wait, but I suppose now is better than never." She waved me over toward her table and there she had her own scrolls and maps spread out. She pulled up Scout Harding's report but didn't hand it to me. My reading comprehension was a slow progression, but now was not the time to test me. Leliana's eyes scanned over the document and flipped to a second page before she nodded.
"The Fallow Mire seems diseased." Leliana looked up to me. "According to Harding, there might have been a plague or something that ran through. There are no people aside from the Inquisition and perhaps a mage in the fog. Our patrol was taken hostage."
"When?" I asked with a cold fury that started at my fingers. "Are they dead? Is there a ransom?"
Leliana nodded. "They're alive, as far as we know. The Avvar Chieftain's son took them hostage and now demands that you come for them. He won't release them otherwise." I desperately tried to keep my anger from choking me. It was one thing when someone poked and prodded at me, when they spat my name and heeled it into the ground, but these men and women fought with an indomitable force of will that I admired and respected. No one was going to use these people like pawns, like chips in a game.
The Mark pulsed in my palm, trembling in my limb. I silenced it with a clench of my fingers.
"We head for the Fallow Mire." I told her and held her gaze. My spine was shivering and I held back the urge to scream. I had killed more than a hundred people since I had arrived, in brutal deaths with the end of my maul. I had nightmares of screams from the void that was the Veil and the dead that landed on my feet, faceless and nameless souls that swarmed me. These men and women, though, had faced the danger voluntarily, and to let them die...
The men I had lost at the Storm Coast to the Blades of Hessarian came to mind, and I swore I wouldn't let my people fall to my indecisions anymore.
"Herald?" Leliana tipped her head to catch my gaze. When I looked up, I could feel tears sweep down my face and I took a shuddering inhale. Shame made my body shake and the icy fury had crawled from my fingertips to my elbows and shoulders. My muscles itched and clung to my bones as the tension gripped me.
"If people want to pick a fight with me," I growled wetly, my chin trembling, "then they come after me. No one else. Anyone takes their frustrations out on my people and they're going to see hell." They didn't deserve it, these people beyond my inner circle were unaware of my inadequacies and trusted me to be the savior, the herald that they wanted. They trusted that at the end of all things, I had their best interests at heart. The fact that I allowed men to die on my watch for no real reason aside from convenience tore at my soul.
"Jaime." Leliana's voice softened in a way I hadn't heard in months. Her hands came up to my shoulders, then my neck and finally my face. She held me gently and the tears continued. Her thumbs ran over my cheeks and cleared away the tears that fell. "Oh. Oh, my dear. I forget so often how... strange this is for you." She played her words carefully, being out in the open where anyone could eavesdrop.
"It's been nearly a year." I hiccupped and held her wrists.
"I know, but that is not a lifetime of what is the norm for us here." She whispered soothingly. "Now I see why you were so adverse to my decision with our traitor. Jaime, you - we will lose people every day. I understand how this could cut so deep for someone who is not accustomed to it."
"We shouldn't let it be the norm." I muttered with a sniff. She paused and looked over my messy face. I shook my head in her hands. "If we let death and destruction numb us, we're no better than our enemies."
She smiled softly, an echo of empathy warmed her eyes. "... there are times when you say things... But, you are right. I am sorry. All I ask is that you do not become blinded by your emotions. See the path you walk and tread carefully."
"Yes, ma'am." I hiccupped again. She nodded and once again her mask fell into place, the ice of her position hardened her eyes and straightened her mouth. My lungs pulled hard and with a few careful, controlled breaths, I regained my composure. Leliana waited until my gaze finally focused on her again. My jaw was held tight, my words firm. "If the Fallow Mire is diseased, send the Chargers to the Hinterlands and have them liberate the road toward Redcliffe Village. I'll see who'd be willing to go with me to the Fallow Mire."
Leliana chuckled. "If you keep that expression on your face, I can think of several who would willingly throw themselves at the chance." A snort flared my nose and I nodded to her, excusing myself from her tent. She would get the word to Cullen. At the moment my soul was a cyclone under the cage of my ribs and my heart felt shrunk under the weight of my guilt. Leliana's words helped, focused me, but I still needed to work through my emotions before I threw up from the turbulence.
I couldn't go to Varric. For as much as I had come to love him like a brother and I missed him, to suddenly appear with the thundercloud of distress would alarm him enough to make him painfully nervous. Solas had been absent from Haven and from what I could gather, he had disappeared to study the Breach while he could (not that I blamed him, after our discussion about my Mark, he was probably worried about what he didn't know). Cassandra was busy with Cullen and Sera was a bit more of a handful that I wasn't ready to handle. Lady Vivienne was an unknown and Blackwall's intensity was more than I wanted.
My feet marched me toward the tent of the Iron Bull. I came down along the Chantry when a conversation floated toward me as I passed the corner of the humble church.
"Did I see you walk out of the Iron Bull's tent this morning?" A Chantry sister laughed, muffling it behind a hand.
The second one shushed her. "It was nothing, really... I just wanted to thank him for allowing his healer to help with some of the wounded. We've been able to save a lot of lives because of him."
"Is that why you're walking funny?"
"Well. I thanked him a few times, and then later, he thanked me in return." The second one snickered. "All in all, it was a very grateful night all around."
My stomach sank through to the soles of my feet and it only added to the turmoil of the thundering emotions that I had ringing through my ears. The fact that he slept with anyone in Haven shouldn't have surprised me, he was a free man to do what he wanted but it was so jarring to hear that someone else had been attracted to him. My feet continued to carry me with no true path ahead, just one step in front of another, all the steam that had propelled me forward now absent. It was ridiculous how the blow struck me, because he wasn't even mine to begin with, we had nothing.
It was a crush, but apparently I had reverted back to high school when I found out Tom Matthew gave me a flower but turned around to ask Ashley Winsy out to the local pumpkin festival. Why would I even feel any inclination of affection for him, anyway? The man wanted me dead because of the Mark on my hand, for all that he played the friend, the defender, I was out of my mind to forget that he and his people wanted me dead because I was connected to the hell-mouth that sat above us.
You're throwing blame that doesn't exist, my mind chided me gently.
A figurative bucket of ice water crashed over my head.
I returned to my cabin and was tempted to throw myself into my bed and curl up under my blankets and allow the sickened emotions roll their way through until I forgot or I feel asleep. My eyes found my maul leaned against my bed and weakly I renewed my strength and gripped my maul, straightened my leathers, and walked out through the front gate. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Varric follow my back as I walked away, and Lieutenant Aclassi blinked in surprised as I passed him down the stairs and traveled past the training dummies.
My soldiers couldn't see me lose my shit on a dummy. I wasn't Cassandra. I had the title of Herald that rested over my head and if the Herald was losing her mind and crying at the desperation of it all, it would not end well and then Josephine would get involved. I did not need that added to the pile of steaming emotional shit that had settled into my stomach. My maul was slung over my shoulder and I trekked through the snow past the lake. I was half-tempted to smash the layer of ice over the water, but saw that such childishness would endanger anyone not paying attention.
There I went, walking into the forest that surrounded Haven. A few tents appeared within them, the Bull's Chargers had kept their area small and contained. Cleaned the space around their tents to avoid fires or environmental dangers. I waved to a few who spotted me, but didn't stop to talk. I wasn't in the mood. I was being selfish, angry at the world and bitter with people who had done me no wrong, and yet. A sigh ripped through my body and I twisted the handle of my maul. My walk brought me toward a clearing that was smothered in snow and popping elfroot. Rams dashed away at the crunch of my boots.
I found a fallen tree covered in snow, the bark curling and cracking, some parts stripped bare from the rams or the deer that chewed on it for nutrients. My stance squared and I bent my knees, with a roll of my shoulders, I brought the maul around one side and then over my head, slamming it down on the trunk of the tree. The wood splintered under the maul's head and I blinked in surprised. I cleaved through it further than I thought I was capable, but months of training must have made me stronger than I realized.
I had walked the whole way with the maul on my shoulder like it was nothing.
A laugh echoed up from my stomach at the realization and I readied another blow. I don't know how long I was out there, smacking away at the trunk of the tree. It was firewood by the time I finished and I was sweating from head to toe, shivering in the mountain air. It was invigorating and the exertion allowed for a lot of my pent up frustrations to fly from my shoulders and through my arms into the maul. I could see why Cassandra did this on a regular basis. My chest was heaving and my knees were knocking together as I took a seat on the stump, my hands folded on the pommel of the maul and I rested my head in the crook of my elbows.
"Feel better?" Bull's voice traveled up to me from the shelter of the trees. There was an bubble of sourness that swirled in my gut at having been found and perhaps spied on by the last person I wanted to see, but the knowledge that I had gotten stronger, that I had learned something from my training, that I wasn't just a weak twig about to snap had done wonders for my psyche. I felt like I could fly despite the exhaustion in my limbs. I felt like I could sing. Excitement made me shake, not my tired, worn out limbs. My head came up and I couldn't stop the grin that flashed over my face.
Perhaps he did want me dead. Perhaps I jumped to conclusions. Perhaps I allowed the uncertainty of things strangle me, however; in this moment I felt every inch the person I wanted to be. I leaned my cheek against my hand on the pommel of my maul and nodded. His head tilted and with an easy step he approached me. His good eye wandered over the trunk that I had laid waste to and chuckled. There was a beat of silence as I glanced at it again, then chuckled with him with a shake of my head.
"Dummies don't like mauls as much as they like Cassandra's sword." I coughed, breathless. I was still attempting to relax from my sudden exercise. Sweat froze on my forehead and I reached up to wipe it away with the back of my hand.
"Yeah, and you got the added bonus of firewood." He smirked at me and my heart seemed to ignore all the previous disinclination I had toward The Iron Bull. I snorted at myself, though Bull took it as an answer to his jest. He turned toward me and again his head tilted, his good eye inspecting me.
"Have a painting done," came my response when he stared too long for my comfort, "it'll last you longer."
"You got a lot of fire in you today." He murmured, amused. "Want to talk about it?"
"Not really." I answered immediately and sat straight on the stump. My gaze found his face, I noted he was wearing the pants we had purchased for him in Val Royeaux. "There's a lot that I can't share with other people, and after months of just... biting my tongue. This." I gestured to the destroyed trunk and then rubbed at the back of my neck. Oddly, working myself to exhaustion was therapeutic and vastly different from the exhaustion I felt at the end of a day of traveling and worrying over my Inquisition.
Ha, I snickered quietly to myself, my Inquisition.
"Bottling things up isn't always healthy, Boss." Bull's tone was casual, no judgement or pressure to offer up information. Different than Solas, who worried for me and his curiosity sometimes won out over politeness. My assessment had been correct, at the very least; Bull cared not a lick what happened to me as long as I was capable of sealing the Breach and controlling the Mark. My shoulders slumped, relieved at the thought.
"Get in line," I teased easily, "you and everyone else wants to know what makes me tick."
"Don't share much, huh?" There was a tint to his tone, curiosity, maybe, or concern. My feet shifted in the snow as I adjusted for a position more comfortable. The maul swayed a bit in my hand and a half circle formed as its weight made it slide a bit to one side.
"I try not to." I answered honestly. He would most likely know when I lied about something that simple. My past was easier to hide from him, obscured by the bits and pieces Leliana and Josephine had so carefully constructed. "No point."
He blinked at me. "No point?"
"Nope." I shook my head and kicked my maul out enough so I could rest my chin over my hands on the pommel. "Doesn't get me from one point to another, just burdens other people with things they can't fix."
"No sense in burning yourself out, either." He rumbled with a studious glance over my face. "But I get ya. You've always seemed like the private type." I snorted again and hung my head down on my arm and bit my tongue. The overwhelming urge to blurt out the truth was a physical pain that echoed in my gut. Sharing experiences wasn't hard, but sharing emotions wasn't something I was accustomed to doing.
I shivered, my mouth working without consent. "Tell me about the Qunari."
"You writing a book?" The sarcastic response was swift.
"It's your culture." I fired back, eyebrows raised as my head came up to level him with a look. "And I'd like to know you better."
He hesitated, and then gestured to me with his chin. "Tit for tat. I give you a piece of my world, you let me know a little of yours."
"Deal." I said thoughtlessly. What could he ask that I couldn't fabricate, anyway? As if he read the thought before it finished fluttering through my head, he narrowed his eye at me and stepped forward, a stride's pace away from where I sat on the stump.
"The truth," he rumbled, "not whatever your spymaster has you parroting." I should fucking know better than to test fate the way I had, but my face remained impassive, as I had too many months with warring emotions and lying about the negative ones to let much more than a twitch slip past me. I wasn't as good as he was, I couldn't smile when I wanted to scream, but I could go dead inside enough to not give away anything. I was silent for a long moment, wondering on how to word it that gave him little to use.
"What about me set it off?" I asked quietly. Tension rolled through my body, whatever relaxation or peace that I had managed to obtain disappeared within the beat of a heart. His nose flared and he stayed in his position in front of me, his head tilted down and his horns lowered, a menacing sight if I had enough energy in me to care about it.
"Small things," he answered vaguely. He leaned against the nearest tree. "Don't get me wrong, the story is a good one, waterproof, almost. It's a few things here and there that seem... off."
A huff flared my nose. "But you picked up on it."
"Exactly. I picked up on it." He chuckled. "Not to boast, but I was trained to find inconsistencies. I doubt anyone else would think too much about it, or if they did, they'd assume it was something from your upbringing."
"I'm curious about which parts you believe." I inhaled deeply and straightened my back out again, nervous as to where this conversation was going. It was one thing to joke about blurting it all out to Bull and watching him flounder with the information, but it was another to actually have it happen. This was a dangerous time, and with all the turbulent emotion I felt, I could he hailed a lunatic and not a Herald.
Funny how times change perspective.
"I'll tell you," He answered with a tip of his head, "but I believe you asked, first."
I grinned at him weakly, still floundering with my rolling stomach. It was immensely exhausting going through all these emotions in the span of a day, but what was I to do? It wasn't as if the world was going to stop for me, this wasn't like back home where I could call off from work when my anxiety overwhelmed me, or skip out on visits because people ruffled my feathers.
"So," he cleared his throat, shifting against the tree and his arms came up to cross over his chest. "What do you want to know?"
Note: Don't kill me, please.
