New chapter! Though, I'm afraid it gets worse before it might eventually get better. Many thanks to McKenna079, Raven with a Writing Desk, Erikawaskiki and Filisgirl251 for your reviews on the last one, I loved reading your thoughts! Let me know what you make of this one.
The druid was standing in front of the closed wooden door uncertainly, the hot bowl of mushroom soup weighing heavy in her hand. She had been standing here for a few minutes now, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, having knocked twice already. She had received no answer, though she knew that Fili was in there. Nine days had passed since the end of the battle, and still, Fili kept to himself at all times. It had begun to worry more people now than just his close friends and companions, and the druid shortly recalled her conversation with Dain that same morning. The older dwarf had taken her aside and asked her to try and talk to him, told her that Fili was needed outside his halls, that he was needed as their king. Arinna had not known what to say.
But still, she was standing outside his door right now, not because she wanted him to fulfil his duties as king, but because she needed to make sure he was alright. And because she missed him terribly. She could not deal with all this grief, pain and guilt on her own, and neither should Fili, she told herself, trying to remind herself of Balin's words.
She knocked again, leaning her head against the cold wood of the door to listen for footsteps, for any movement at all. There was nothing. With a sigh, she looked down at the soup in her hand, before she tried the handle without much hope, having found it locked for the past nine days every time she had tried. Her eyes widened in surprise when she heard the lock click this time, and the door opened with a slight creak.
For a moment, the druid was not sure what to do, though her instincts kicked in quickly and made her decision for her. Slowly, she pushed the door open further and stepped inside the dark chamber on the other side. It took her eyes a moment to adjust to the dim light, looking around the room. There was a large bed standing on one side of the room, though it hardly looked slept in. Another door led to a different part of the room, perhaps a bath chamber, Arinna thought for a moment, before her eyes found what they were looking for.
Fili was sat in an armchair in front of the burning fire, his shoulders slumped and his back turned to her. He did not move, making her wonder if he had heard her enter at all. Though it was hard to imagine that he had not heard her knock several times. She felt her heart constrict at the sight of him, after having been parted from him for so many days. She wanted to talk to him, wanted to step forward and hug him as tightly as she could, but she could not find it in herself to do so. Instead, she closed the door behind her quietly and took a few slow steps toward him, the hot soup sloshing slightly in the bowl in her hand.
Fili did not look up when she arrived at his side and Arinna looked down to see that he was moving something around his fingers, passing a small, green stone from one hand to the other and back as he stared absently into the fire. The druid opened her mouth, though no words came out. She closed it again, bending slightly to put down the bowl of soup on the small table beside the chair he was sitting in.
"Fili?"
Her quiet voice sounded oddly loud in the silent chamber, the only other sound being the noise of the crackling fire. Fili did not look up, though his hand clenched around the smooth stone, stopping in his movement.
Arinna felt her throat constrict at the expression on Fili's face, a look of empty sorrow in his eyes that she had not seen in him before, and never wished to see again. Her eyes were suddenly hot with unshed tears as her own sorrow resurfaced with a force, and she tentatively reached out a trembling hand to the dwarf's shoulder. Her fingertips had barely brushed against the soft fabric of his grey tunic when Fili flinched and shrugged her touch off roughly, getting to his feet and quickly taking a few steps away from her.
The druid flinched slightly at his obvious rejection of her touch, her eyebrows drawing together in concern as she watched him. She took a shallow breath, trying to steady herself.
"Fili," she muttered quietly, unsure of what to say. She knew there were no words to comfort him, his loss too deep and too recent for anything to alleviate the pain. Words escaped her as she stared at Fili's back.
"Please," Arinna began again softly, when he still did not say anything, taking a careful step toward the dwarf who still had his back to her. "Please talk to me, Fili. I know how you must be feeling at the moment but it is no use shutting yourself off from everyone. It will not help."
Fili did not reply and did not move, his shoulders stiff as he stared at the wall opposite him, seemingly not paying the druid's words any heed. His fist was still clenched around the green stone. Arinna hesitated, opening and closing her mouth, as he did not react. The druid's gaze lowered to the ground as she released a deep sigh, nodding her head ever so slightly. "Alright," she murmured in defeat. "If you wish to be alone, I will leave. But please, at least eat something. It's mushroom soup. Bombur made it especially for you."
She watched Fili's back for another few moments and when he still did not pay her any attention, she slowly turned away and made her way back to the door, however halting abruptly in her steps as she heard the blond dwarf's familiar deep voice echoing quietly through the room.
"You do not know," he said in a quiet rumble. "You have no idea how I am feeling."
Arinna turned back to him, her eyebrows drawn together in a small frown as she watched him shake his head, though his back was still turned toward her. She was glad to hear his voice at all, and was about to say something, when Fili continued.
"I've lost my family," he muttered, his voice suddenly sounding darker than before as he finally turned around to her, his eyes red from crying as he found her gaze. There were dark circles under his eyes and a hard line creasing his brows. He looked as though he hadn't slept in days. "My brother is dead. Do you not understand that?"
"Of course, I –" Arinna started softly, but was interrupted harshly as Fili's voice rose suddenly, making her flinch back slightly.
"How did he die?" the blond dwarf asked, his sharp voice cutting through the air like a knife. Arinna had never heard him speak like this and she inclined her head, more tears springing to her eyes as the image of Kili's death filled her mind once more. She took a shuddering breath, forcing herself to look at Fili as she answered his question. It took her several attempts to form the words.
"He tried to protect me."
Her voice was so small that it barely rose above the sound of the fire, but Fili inclined his head, as though he had expected this answer all along, as though he had already known.
"Of course, he did…" The blond dwarf muttered quietly, his thumb stroking across the smooth stone in his hand – the runestone that their mother had given Kili, as a promise for him to return to her. A promise that had now been broken. His voice suddenly rose again then, and Arinna flinched back as he bellowed at her, his voice cracking as he spoke, though it did not diminish the sheer force of his words. "He died because you could not protect yourself! How could you possibly know how I feel?! Kili is dead! He's dead, Arinna! I will never see him again! I will never hear him laugh or tell one of his stupid jokes again! I can never talk to him again, go to him for advice or even just sit with him in silence while he restrings his bloody bow!"
Arinna's eyes stung as tears began to stream down her face while Fili yelled at her, shouting out all the pain he felt, his words making the druid's stomach turn with how guilty she felt and how much, oh, how much, she wished Kili were still here. How much she wished to have been faster, to have been better. Maybe she could have saved him then, maybe he would not have sacrificed himself for her, maybe everything would have turned out differently. But she had failed him. And she had failed Fili. And so, she could only stand there and take in Fili's words, letting them hit her like bricks falling from the sky. She deserved it, after all, she thought.
"My brother is gone!" Fili continued his painful tirade, tears tumbling down his own cheeks now as he yelled at his beloved, raising one trembling hand to point an accusing finger at her while his eyes were unfocused as he glared at her, not even really seeing her. His voice grew louder with every word and the druid flinched again when he suddenly hurled the runestone across the room and it smacked loudly against the stone wall. "He is gone and you are still here! And that is the greatest injustice of it all. If it hadn't been for you, he would still be with me! That blow was not meant for my brother, it was meant for you! It should have been you, not him! It should have been –"
Fili's voice broke mid-sentence, leaving the room in sudden, painful silence, and he stared at the druid before him with wide, blood-ridden eyes. She took a sharp breath; the impact of his words having hit her with such force that she felt her knees buckle beneath her. Arinna felt her hands tremble, feeling as though she may collapse any second as she stared at Fili, her eyes wide with horror as hot tears rolled down her face.
"I –" She started almost soundlessly, her voice cracking before she could even form a sentence. She didn't know what to say, or what to think. And yet, she could not find it in herself to contradict him, for he was right. He had merely said out loud what she had been thinking all along, how could she deny that? Yet, to know that he thought the same as she did, caused her pain beyond belief. The druid found it hard to breathe past the sob that was desperately trying to escape her and that she held back with great force, only able to stare numbly at Fili for a long moment before she finally regained her voice, though it sounded strange and foreign to her own ears as she spoke next. "I should go."
It was at that moment that the anger and desperation in Fili's eyes suddenly turned to horror as he finally realised what he had said. He pressed his lips together, clenching his eyes shut for a moment, his face contorting into a pained grimace. There was nothing he could say now, he knew. Once such words were spoken, there was no way to take them back, even if he didn't think he had truly meant them. He didn't know why he had ever said them. He was just so angry, and sad and desperate and empty, all at the same time.
The dwarf raised one hand to his forehead and released a shuddering breath, tears rolling down his cheeks as he opened his eyes to find the anguish in Arinna's emerald gaze. The sight tore his heart apart, even further than it already was. Fili had not thought that was possible.
"Arinna, I –" he started weakly, but the druid shook her head and he closed his mouth in shame, not knowing what to say anyway. He watched her swallowing tightly past the lump in her throat.
"Please," Arinna mumbled numbly as she slowly turned away from him and made her way to the door. "Don't say anything more. Please."
Fili could only watch helplessly as the dark-haired woman reached for the handle and pulled open the heavy door, her head hung low as the tears kept streaming down her face. She halted for a few moments on the threshold, her fingers flexing on the cold wood of the door as she held it open. She turned her head slightly, not enough to meet his pleading gaze over her shoulder but enough for Fili to see the sorrow on her face as she spoke quietly.
"I loved him, too, Fili," she uttered, her voice filled with tears and nothing but a whisper in the quiet room.
Fili inclined his head, unable to say anything as the druid moved away from the doorframe and disappeared from his sight. The door fell closed behind her with a dull, final thud. And as Fili was left in the silence of the room, he couldn't hold back his sobs any longer, sinking to his knees where he stood and holding his head in his hands, as he realised that he had now truly lost everything.
