Act III: The Way Back Home
The next time I woke up, I was cold. There was a blanket pulled up to my cheek and I was on my right side with a dull ache in my wrist from sleeping on it. My arm had gone numb and it tingled when I shifted in the cot. Dorian was gone and by the lost heat, I assumed he had been gone for a while. I cleared my throat and righted myself on the cot. The skin along my back crinkled from the movement, but the pain had disappeared.
I wasn't about to stretch and change that, though.
Gingerly, I straightened the cloak over my shoulders and stood from the cot. My knees trembled threateningly with the slow increase of my weight as I stood. Once fully standing, I waited a moment or two to confirm I wasn't about to buckle and kiss the floor. Secure on my feet, I waddled my way toward the tent folds and peeked out.
I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't fucking ass-crack-of-dawn.
With my eyes tearing up from the blast of sunlight, my fingers rubbed into the bridge of my nose and eyes as I hobbled out. My Qunari guard was gone and there were no familiar faces nearby, but I was reluctant to leave too far from the tent unless I scared whoever my caregiver was into thinking that I was kidnapped. Searching over the area, I could see that there were outlines of bodies in the blood and dirt. Weapons were forgotten in the corners with barrels of supplies and crates with broken items that slipped over the tops.
Adamant's entrance gate was wide open and I could see Inquisition soldiers milling about inside, barking orders and hauling items in their arms. Clean up, perhaps? I hadn't planned on staying in Adamant Fortress, but Cullen and Leliana may have changed plans. I shut my eyes against the oncoming headache, I knew the Wardens would need a place to stay, as I wasn't about to send my share to Weisshaupt, even with Bethany Hawke at the head of it, so Adamant was a good place to plant them.
"Christ," I sighed heavily. What a mess. Even with a good chunk of Wardens gone with Hawke to warn the other side of the faction, there was still a chaos of people. Inhaling deeply, I tucked my cloak's edges into my armpits and shuffled uselessly back into my tent. I wasn't too keen on wandering out into Adamant with nothing but a thin fur cloak and trousers to guard me.
"You are supposed to be resting." Cassandra accused, her head suddenly manifesting between the flaps of the tent. I leapt out of my skin and caught the cloak as it slipped from a shoulder in surprise. I shot her a mild glare as I ignored the flutter of my heart.
"I did rest," I argued with a quiet cough, "it's too hot to sleep now that I'm conscious of the heat."
"Did you not live in a desert before, how is this any different?" Cassandra sassed and took a step into the tent. She reached for my shoulder to turn me around. "Here, let me braid this before it becomes unruly."
"Thank you, Cassandra." I muttered. My gaze focused on the walls of the tent, shadows passing idly by as soldiers hurried past. "What's the status?"
Cassandra sighed deeply, "I suppose I cannot stop you, determined as you are, naked and all."
"Half-naked, ma'am." I grinned at her over my shoulder. The braid was finished and she tossed it past my ear, a glare flashing across her face for a moment.
"The Commander is reorganizing the troops. Leliana deduced you would want to leave the Wardens here and go home as soon as possible to recover." Cassandra advised and crossed her arms when I spun gently on my heel to face her again.
"She would not be wrong." I replied, brow high. I had suspected that was to be the plan, but it never ceased to amaze me how accurately Leliana predicted my thoughts before I had them. "Goddamn, is she just reading my mind now? Have I become predictable?"
That was the absolute wrong thing to say.
"Predictable?" Cassandra snarled low in her throat, a flurried heat sparking under her breath. I flinched, the shock hitting the base of my spine and shooting upwards into my ears. Oh no. From crossed arms to a shaking finger pointed in my face, Cassandra swelled like a firestorm.
"Predictable would be waiting for us to arrive for the siege," Cassandra thundered, strangling her voice to keep her voice between us. "Predictable would have been assessing the situation and understanding the danger! Predictable would not have had you galavanting through the Fade like a madwoman!"
She exhaled through flared nostrils and hammered me with her best glare.
At the end of her torrent, my shoulders had inched far enough up toward my ears that I was nearly turtle-ing into the cloak's collar with my hands tightly tucked into my armpits. I had forgotten how scary she can be when she's in a rage. It had been a long while since she had been angry directly at me.
"Well?" She demanded after the silence stretched for too long. I struggled for a moment, unsure of what to say. I hadn't expected the lecture to come from my sarcastic comment, and I hadn't expected to be stripped to the bone by her words. Excuses bubbled up behind my tongue of 'but Erimond was on the run' and 'we had to stop the demons' all fell short. She deserved better than that.
I rolled my lips over my teeth, "I'm sorry that I caused so much worry, Cassandra."
"You could have waited!" Cassandra barked again, her hands thrown in frustration, nearly hitting the ceiling of the tent. "Jaime, can you imagine the — the terror of finding you gone, and your men surrounded by a legion of demons and Wardens?"
I winced. I hadn't, she was right. I hadn't considered the idea or even imagined it because I hadn't thought I would be sucked into the Fade with Clarel and a dragon. So many variables and they had all sprung up at once and my desperation to survive landed us in the Fade without a single shred of hope we would get out.
I swallowed, steeling myself as best I could in the wake of her heartbreak.
"I… I didn't know." I answered lamely. A vague memory swirled between my ears. Dorian and Solas had mentioned something about days that had passed while I was in the Fade. A new wave of guilt flooded into my gut.
How long did I leave them out here to fight by themselves?
"No! How could you have known!" Cassandra continued with grief cracking the last word. She glared at me with a glint of frustrated tears pooling at the edge of her eyes. "That is exactly what concerns me, you could not have known, and yet you jumped in regardless!"
Cassandra exhaled sharply and brought her hand up to her eyes and swiped back on her forehead, clearing whatever tears that had clouded her vision. The glare never lessened and I hesitated under it, uncertainty warring against the urge to defend myself. I wasn't arguing with a sibling, I couldn't use my gallows humor to slum myself out of the conversation, and though she wasn't quite the ranking officer that Cullen was, I still had to respect the line she drew through the sand.
Maybe this is what Blackwall was talking about. Goddamn it.
I shifted on my heels nervously, "I... I don't know how to apologize for what I've done, Cass, but please understand that I didn't do any of this lightly. In… in the situation we were in, Clarel was about to pull more demons through with Erimond's help. I had to stop it, but I didn't... I didn't know, I didn't know we were going to get sucked in..."
We stared at each other and for half a second I feared she would storm out of the tent. Instead, she rushed me and hugged me into her chest, her armor pinching and piercing my tender skin under the cloak. Unable to release my cloak and expose myself to the world, I adjusted my weight and leaned into her chest knowing she would hold me steady. Her hands came to the top of my head and shoulders, squeezing me tightly, her fingers curled into my hair as Dorian's had done.
"Maker, when we arrived, I thought it would be the Temple of Ashes anew." Cassandra whispered into my ear as she hugged me. "I thought we had lost you to the demons, just as we had Justinia. I could not bear the thought."
Fucking damnit, I'm going to cry again.
"I'm sorry," I murmured, tucking my forehead into her neck as my voice cracked, "I really am sorry, Cass."
"Please," she begged me quietly, her fingers tightening in my hair momentarily, "please do not do such reckless things again. I know I have no right to demand it of you, as I am much the same, but…"
"I know, Cass, I know." I answered as she released me. "I can't… promise I'm not gonna go ham again, but I can try."
I could very keenly hear an 'I told you so,' in Blackwall's baritone.
Cassandra laughed wetly, rubbing at her eyes. "I have no idea what you said, but I shall accept your apology."
"Yeah," I replied lamely, my thoughts spinning like a wayward top. "Um, Cass, if you don't mind, could we find me some clothes?"
"Yes, of course." She answered. "Vivienne was able to acquire some clothing from the supplies the Warden's had. It will have to do for now until we return to Skyhold."
"Anything better than betting against the wind." I answered with a weak laugh.
Like a wraith, Vivienne materialized through the tent flaps with the look of Disappointment on her face.
"Jesus, woman." I gasped, nearly choking myself with the collar of the cloak. Vivienne's dark eyes narrowed. She nodded to Cassandra as she stepped into the tent and glided to one side to allow the Seeker past. I knew I was in trouble when my sister-in-arms left me under the gaze of our Enchantress. I sighed to myself, everyone's going to give me a piece of their mind today, aren't they?
Vivienne watched Cassandra's back as the other women left and refocused on me once she was gone. In her arms she held a hefty bundle of cloth and belts, with a pair of commoner's boots dangling from her elegant fingers. If the mild annoyance that graced her lips had been absent, it would have been amusing to see such a contrast of clothing against Vivienne's visage.
"Am I in trouble with you, too?" I asked with a deep sigh. A rich eyebrow ticked and her lips tightened against her teeth, but she didn't immediately respond. She carefully sidestepped me and began to spread her bundle across my cot. Meekly, I followed and gingerly sat my ass on the furthest edge of the cot to give her as much room to work with as I could.
"Don't be so alarmed, my dear." Vivienne murmured with her gaze coming up to my face. "I heard the tongue-lashing the Seeker has given you and I am not one to steal another's words or work."
"So am I just going to spend the rest of today, tomorrow, and the next day explaining myself over shit I couldn't control?" I reached up and pinched the bridge of my nose, a horrid sense of putrid anger bubbled deep in my stomach and made me nauseous. Vivienne dragged the stool that had been left in my tent and placed herself upon it to face me, her legs crossing at the ankle with her hands folded neatly into her lap.
Great, I thought as I spied the position, therapy time.
"Should you?" Vivienne's challenge was absent of her normal aggression and fire, but her gaze bore into mine, demanding my attention. "Are we to be privy to your insanity, or shall we merely plod along in the hopes that you will one day bestow on us a benediction of your grace?"
"Ma'am," I said, that putrid bubble popping. "With all due respect, the fuck do you know what I went through?"
"Oh," Vivienne continued, her full brow raised, "I see we do have a spine."
"Vivienne." I cracked, exhausted by the tug-of-war between us.
"Oh, no, dear. Do not let me stop you. Clearly the Seeker only caught you off guard, otherwise I am certain you would have addressed her the same way." Vivienne reprimanded, her voice light and carefully sweet. I glared at her, lost in the sauce as to what she was trying to get me to understand.
"Are you upset that I am being rude to you? You came in here already disappointed in me." I snapped, fingers clenched into the edges of my coat.
"I am not disappointed," Vivienne corrected sharply, her gaze a razor across my face. "I am confused. Why, I would not go so far as to say I would have made the same decisions, but they were made nonetheless."
"They had to be made!" I snapped again, my knuckles white against the fur lined cloak.
"Then explain to me why I walked in here to see you cowering in the shadow of a bystander, when you, my dear, were the one caught in this maelstrom?" Vivienne returned my jab with a thin slice of her words, her expression set in the stones of her cheekbones and jawline.
"Cassandra was… upset, Vivienne." I reasoned quietly as I lost some of my bluster. "She had a right to be. I… I made a mess of things."
"Do not, for one moment, cower." Vivienne straightened and one of her hands reached out to lock onto my wrist. My attention was dragged back up to her face as she drew my wrist away and held it in her lap with her other hand.
"You did the unthinkable." Vivienne continued, her words a spear pointed at my throat, her gaze chaining me in place just as much as her hold on my wrist did. "You did the unimaginable. You delved into the Fade and returned. You threw open the gates of known damnation and by some miracle did not damn the rest us to an apocalypse of destruction and smite."
Her hands left my wrist and she placed her palms against my jaw and cheek, willing me with the fire in her eyes to listen.
"You are no god, my dear, but were I you, I would be damned to the Black City and back before I allowed anyone to accost me in such a way after the nightmare you survived." Vivienne's voice was electrifying, but her thumbs were gentle against my face. She held me in the warmth of her palms and with a passing swipe of her thumb pad I realized I was crying. My throat tightened at that realization and my lungs shuddered with a noiseless sob, not wanting to be left out.
"We cannot say for certain the effects of your interference in the Fade, but there is no right and there is no wrong in the face of such danger, only survival." Vivienne continued, her tone low and demanding. "When you leave this tent, do not allow them to shame you for your decisions. Do not allow them the grace to think they would have done anything better or different. You survived, and you will remember that."
A heartbeat passed between us. I collected myself and inhaled deeply. My hands left their grip on the cloak and I reached up to hold Vivienne's palms against my cheeks for a moment longer, counting the seconds until I could control the tumble of my words. The fur lined cloak slipped slightly down my shoulder, but I paid it no mind as I drew on Vivienne's strength and conviction.
"Yes, ma'am." I answered, shakily, but honestly. Vivienne peered into my eyes, searching for confirmation. She must have found it as she released me soon after. She leaned back on the stool, her composure settled over her head and shoulders like an emperor's responsibility.
"Good. Let's get you cleaned up and dressed."
-0-
My braid had been redressed by Vivienne after I had donned my new tunic, vest, and trousers after a quick dip in a very small bucket of water. The fur lined cloak was folded and left on my cot as the heat that poured over the wasteland was unrelenting. Vivienne excused herself to continue helping with managing the supplies and I braved the tattered and skeletal remains of Adamant.
Deep breath, Jams.
Adamant was bustling like a beehive as I walked out of my tent. Some soldiers took a moment or two to salute me as I walked past them or between them, mostly Inquisition uniforms. The Wardens didn't know what to make of me and frankly, I didn't have the time or the energy to give them my best impression just yet. Considering that my ass had landed out on their front lawn not less than a day ago, I figured I was allowed some leeway. My eyes searched for familiar forms, anyone from my inner circle really, because I needed a head count.
"They're busy." Cole's voice whispered warmly from my right. With a glance, I missed the boy's form as he shimmered away, his voice ghosting in from my left. "Everything's bright and burning. So many voices. They're scared. And ashamed."
"What about you, buddy?" I asked gently. I hadn't followed his voice over my shoulder, I knew then that Cole was attempting to avoid me, too. My decision to keep the Wardens when they had caused so much trouble must have cut him deep.
"It did." Cole answered my innermost thought. "They… hurt people. They take what isn't enough to give and they never… apologize." My brow furrowed. That sounded oddly specific when it came from Cole's lips. I threw a small glance over my shoulder, but Cole's form was absent in my vision. He was actively hiding, then. Hopefully I hadn't totally lost my spirit's trust with my choice.
"Did a Warden hurt you while you've been here, Cole?" I prodded, hoping that he hadn't completely left.
"Yes." He answered. And then; "No."
Okay, then.
"I was hurt, yes." Cole struggled to clarify, his voice tight as it fluttered through my ears. "But, not. Not here. Adamant's pain is different. Different pain, different whispers, different fears. They've made more scars."
"I know. I'm… sorry, Cole." There was an uncertainty that warbled my voice. My heels twisted me slightly in place, my gaze continuously searching the heatwaves that shimmered in the air for Cole. "I know that they haven't done their best, but I couldn't let them go."
"Yes, I know." Cole answered softly, his voice just a breath from the back of my ear. "I… I know. You are right. They can't hurt more people if we can see them. Like a light, shining on them. They can see us and we can see them."
"Yeah, and as long as they're within my reach, I can make sure they don't hurt anyone else." I replied firmly, willing him to believe that I had only decided on what I thought was the safest, surest option. "I'll make sure no one hurts you, Cole. No one will take you away."
"Promise?" A shifting vision of him spun at the edges of my peripheral vision. There was grief, small, broken, and cold at the edges of his whispers. A shudder wiggled up my spin and I wondered if that sensation had been his, or mine.
"I promise, Cole." I murmured back, dropping the weight of my affection for him into the air as I spoke. Believe me, I pressed into my consciousness. After a few seconds, the weight of his presence disappeared from my perceptivity. He had left with no reply, but I took it as acceptance. There was a lot to sort through, both emotionally and mentally for everyone. Much more for a spirit whose existence was tethered to the Fade as much as I was. Once more, as before, I was tremendously relieved that Cole hadn't been with us through the Fade.
He said they were busy.
With a small huff, I continued my search for any of my companions. Blackwall and Bull had been absent since my return, with only a temporary appearance from my Qunari as he had taken up the duty of guarding my tent. My heart seized behind my ribs briefly at the thought that he was hiding from me, just like Cole.
He hates demons. Spirits. You know he does, and he got sucked into his worst nightmare.
I desperately wove the justification that he needed to recover just like I did as the reason why he wasn't in my tent when I awoke. Even if he had been there all those previous times to make sure I was whole and alive, I was going to ignore the sting of rejection when now he wasn't. He had the right to recover, Jaime, damn to hell what your heart wanted from him. My shoulders squared themselves as I continued my hunt. It wasn't long before I finally, finally spotted a familiar face.
I rushed Blackwall like a child to its mother and slammed into his back with all the desperate, tattered pieces of my love for him. For the moment, gone were the memories of our arguments, my worries and suspicions, I was just so blissfully relieved to see him alive and in one solid piece. He had grunted in surprise when I knocked into his back, but as his gaze spied the top of my head, there was no hesitation in his arms as he turned to hug me.
"Blessed Maker, you're awake." He exhaled into the crown of my hair, his arms tight around my shoulders, smothering my face into his chest, the leather giving into the pressure. He held me close for a long while, both of us relishing the fact that we were together and not scattered into a thousand pieces of memory in the mists of the Fade.
"I'm so glad, Blackwall— holy shit, you have no idea how glad I am to see you." I babbled aimlessly, leaning back against his arms to look up at his face. There were dark patches under his eye's waterline, an exhaustion that tinted the edges of his eyes pink and the beard he kept so immaculate was in a state of curly disarray.
"I second that statement. I hadn't seen you after you arrived back from—" A pained, breathless chuckle escaped him. "Well, and they wouldn't allow you any visitors while you recovered, so I had to make due with Dorian's curt reports."
I blinked, alarm etching wrinkles at the corners of my eyes. "Oh no, this wasn't one of those 'she's been asleep for a week' situations, is it? How long have I been out?"
A truer laugh escaped him, "No, no. It's only been a day or so. Maker, if you hadn't awoken soon, I'm certain there would have been a riot." I laughed with him, the relief I had felt before overwhelming me again. I dove into the hug we still held up and pressed my face into his chest.
"Blackwall, I'm sorry." I started to ramble into the leather against his heart. "I'm sorry for… threatening you like I did, back in the Fade." The man stiffened in my arms and I pulled back to peer at him. His expression had softened into a pained smile, but it cleared up and was replaced with a subtler touch of warmth.
"Let's not dwell on such things," he cleared his throat and dropped his arms from around me, a free hand came up and touched my cheek for a quick reaffirmation of my existence. "The Fade is known to create the worst moments to find ourselves in."
"Jaime!" Sera's voice screeched from on high. Blackwall and I jumped in our boots as Sera's shadow swung from one of the upper levels of the fortress, her lithe body and skillful mastery of agility making short work of the descent. Before I could get a word out, Sera slammed into me just as I had done to Blackwall, careening us both into the poor man's chest. Blackwall laughed as he held us steady, his hands on my shoulders.
"Easy now, Sera. We just got her back, can't go about breaking her again." Blackwall teased, pushing at my back lightly to secure me onto the balls of my feet. With my arms full of a bubbling Sera, I was grateful for the assistance. Happily, the she-elf smacked a wet kiss to my cheek and hugged her arms around my neck like a released spring coil, her legs bent up and feet from the ground. It was only by Blackwall's strength that I was able to keep myself and Sera upright.
"Wot's the madder w'th you!" Sera demanded from high in my arms. "We left ya for safe w'th them boys of yers to come find ye've off a cliff nose first inta the Fade!"
"Okay, so to be fair, the first option was the Fade coming to me." I joked weakly, my arms trembling with Sera's weight. I must have lost a lot of my strength and stamina dealing with all that bullshit in the Fade. Gently, so as to avoid detection, I brought Sera down to her feet, but held her in my arms as she scolded me. Blackwall eyed me knowingly, but kept his tongue, trusting me to know my limits as I had argued with him about it before. My heart sputtered in my chest, my old suspicions and grievances rearing disgustingly in the recesses of my mind.
No, I pushed them back firmly, that's for another day.
-0-
It was a day for hugs, apparently, and I was not about to complain for one minute.
The moment Krem and I had spied each other across the courtyard, I was embarrassed to recall later, we dashed to each other like lovesick birds from a romance. We collided together with enough momentum that I swung into his embrace, his strength taking me off the ground for a solid heartbeat or two, his nose pressed against my temple. Just as quickly, Krem dropped me back to my feet like a sack of potatoes and held me by the shoulders and at full arm's length.
Dalish had seen Krem leave the group's edge, but she only smiled benevolently at us from a distance. Skinner wasn't having that and followed in Krem's wake with a much more sedate pace. Stitches had glanced our way, but whatever he saw must have reassured him that his company wasn't needed. Rocky and Grim were nowhere to be seen.
"Krem, it's all one piece!" I laughed as his eyes roamed over my figure critically.
"Maker's balls, you wouldn't know it with as little as the Chief was telling us." Krem groused, his hands cupping my face gently before he regained his composure and released me, dropping his arms back to his sides. "Heavens above, it was a battle and a half trying to get him to submit to Stitches, least of all talk to us about what happened."
"Has he told you anything?" A terrible chill shot through my heart. Is that why I hadn't seen hide nor hair of my Qunari? Was he injured, or worse? Krem sighed from deep in his stomach and pressed a thumb to his temple, wincing at the pressure. Skinner had saddled up behind me and just off to my left side, a sliver of her occupied my peripheral vision.
"Yes, and no. Half-truths, I suspect. He isn't eager to share whatever horror you've been through." Krem dropped his hand to his side, his gaze firm on my face. "We hadn't been there for it, when you dropped from the Fade, but seeing as the Chief was about ready to bite all of our heads off, it couldn't have been good."
Skinner snorted softly, and I took it as a sign of an understatement.
I winced as well, "Aie, yikes. I… yeah, I can believe that. I looked like a rung out blood rag of someone else's leftovers."
"Maker, don't." Krem pleaded with a croak and raised hand. "Seeing the blood stain was… bad enough."
"The… what?" I asked incredulously. "The blood stain? Like, you mean, mine? When I fell… out?"
"One in the same." Krem nodded sadly, the frown pulled at the corners of his eyes. "No one dared touch it, or cover it with sand to let it dry up. All the other bodies have been removed, and as much of the blood cleaned, but yours…"
"Yeah, no, I… get it." I interjected softly. Christ Almighty, Adamant already was a massacre, but I wondered what kind of pool I had left behind to make even the most staunch of warriors hesitate. The thought was pushed away for another time and I cleared my throat, intent on continuing a different line of dialogue.
"What about the rest of you? Did you lose anyone?" I asked, my fingers twisted together in worry.
"Thankfully, no." Krem answered as I could spy Skinner shaking her head just beyond my vision. "Grim and Rocky are currently out with Cullen and one of the senior Wardens to secure the area against the Venatori and… the dragon."
Another wince ticked my eye, "You know, I'm just going to forget that thing exists for a while."
"As right you should," Krem narrowed his gaze at me. "Last thing we need is you bloody and broken again. Give us a bit to recover, would you?"
Skinner snorted again, "She'll need a kennel to honor that request."
"Excuse me, I behave." I joked, shooting a playful glare at Skinner. Her brow rose defiantly. I relented, "I mean… usually."
"My point exactly." Skinner accused, her gaze shifted to something else behind me.
"Well, don't be surprised if you're watched like mouse by hawk in the days to come." Krem warned me. "The Nightingale and Commander want you home as soon as we can manage it."
"I'm not surprised by that at all." I sighed, running the palms of my hands over my eyes and face. "This whole thing has been a shitshow from start to finish, and I'm bottomed out, not gonna lie."
Krem resisted a snort of amusement, catching it in his throat. "Here's hoping once we're home, the Chief'll be more willing to talk."
"Where… is he, by the way?" I hesitantly asked. Krem paused, a debate flashing behind his eyes before his shoulders relented and relaxed, his mouth pursed over his teeth.
"Last we saw 'im, he was off with a weapon on his shoulder to deal with some Venatori stragglers. He didn't go alone," Krem added hastily, hands raised. "The Tevinter mage— Pavus, he went with the Chief. Said they'd be back by sundown to check on you."
I sighed. "Good that he's not alone, then. I guess I'll find Cullen and find out the estimate on getting us home."
"I'll go with you, Your Worship." Krem held a crooked arm for me and smiled warmly as I took it and leaned a good portion of my weight into his shoulder. As we walked deeper into Adamant's crumbling structure, I dropped my head against Krem's shoulder and exhaled from the bottom of my stomach.
It's good to be back.
Note: Jesus. 2 months away from another half a year without a post, the hell is wrong with me. I'm glad to see you guys are continuing the journey with me! I haven't abandoned the story, life (for many of us) is wild at the moment. Enjoy!
