Impasse

Lily had expected to be engaged for months, perhaps even a year before she married James. To her surprise, he insisted on doing it in a matter of weeks, choosing her 19th birthday as their wedding date.

"James, that's less than a month away."

"I know, but what's the point in waiting?"

As usual, he'd gotten his way, though Lily didn't mind. She was too excited about the upcoming wedding, spending most of her time sending out invitations or choosing flower arrangements. James's parents were sparing no expense, even purchasing a flat for them to live in after they married.

"Isn't it great?" James said as he showed it to her for the first time. "Just like real grown-ups."

"Well, one of us, at least."

"Hey!"

She giggled, ducking into the next room to try on her wedding dress. It fit her perfectly, cascades of white lace swirling around delicate ivory satin. She'd never looked more beautiful… would James think so, too? She couldn't wait to see his reaction.

"Lily?"

"Yeah?" Hastily, she slipped out of the dress, stuffing it back in the closet.

"I was thinking we'd go out tonight."

"Really? Where are you taking me?"

"Oh, sorry." He hesitated, sounding embarrassed. "I meant me and Sirius. Thought we'd meet up with Remus and Peter."

"Bachelor party?"

"Yeah, something like that."

She forced herself to smile, wishing she had friends of her own to meet up with. Then again, she still had a lot of preparations to make. James wasn't particularly helpful when it came to wedding stuff.

"That sounds like fun," she said. "Just make sure you're back in time for the wedding, all right?"

"I'll do my best."

She waited for him to leave before she gathered her things, heading back over to his parents' house. There was no need to Apparate – they only lived four doors down, part of a neat row of townhouses on a blissfully quiet street.

"Come in, dear, come in! You must be freezing!"

She followed Mrs. Potter into the kitchen, smiling as she accepted a cup of tea.

"Thank you."

"Oh, it's no trouble. No trouble at all. We're just so pleased that you decided to join our family."

"I am, too."

"And of course, you'll be starting a family of your own soon enough. Fleamont and I can't wait to meet our first grandchild."

She sputtered, nearly choking on her tea. "Um, we haven't really talked about…"

"Babies?"

"Or even just one baby. I know we're about to be married, but we're awfully young. Besides, we're quite busy the Order these days."

"Oh, I know, dear." Mrs. Potter reached over to pat her hand. "But there's nothing more important than starting a family. I would've happily done it at your age if I'd had the option."

"I know, but… well, we still have plenty of time."

"Yes, one would hope so, though there are no guarantees."

Of course, Lily knew James had been born late in his parents' lives. They were in their 70s now, perhaps even their 80s – their eagerness to have a grandchild was understandable. Still, she couldn't help feeling pressured, wishing Mrs. Potter would ease off a bit. It was her body, after all, not to mention her life that would drastically change.

"I'll talk to James," she said. "Maybe we'll be ready in a year or two."

"Well, there's nothing wrong with letting these things happen naturally. Relax and let nature take care of it, eh?"

She squirmed in her seat, desperate for a change of subject. Of course, she wanted to have children someday, but at 19? She still felt like a child herself, not sure how to handle her own life let alone anyone else's.

"Anyway, enough of that," Mrs. Potter said. "Why don't we check the flower arrangements?"

"That's a wonderful idea."


James had never looked more handsome, clad in the finest dress robes Lily had ever seen. He stood in the Potters' drawing room with Sirius at his side, his face breaking into a grin as he spotted her walking toward him.

"Ready?" he said, taking her hand as she drew near. She nodded, feeling a little faint as they turned to face the Ministry official.

"Is it your wish to join yourselves in matrimony?"

"It is," they said in unison.

The rest of the ceremony was a blur, for all that she tried to remember every second. She repeated vows, listening to James do the same as he slipped a ring on her finger. The next thing she knew, they were kissing, people pressing in on all sides as they offered their congratulations.

"Allow me to present James and Lily Potter!"

Somehow, it didn't seem real. Yet there was no denying she was married now, band of gold glinting beneath the candlelight as she lifted a hand to adjust her veil.

"How does it feel?" Remus asked her.

"Honestly? I have no idea."

It wasn't the most appropriate response, but no one seemed to care. The wine was already flowing freely, gifts piling up on the table as James led her to her seat. He sat down beside her, slicing them both a piece of cake.

"Happy?"

"Yes," she said. "Just a bit overwhelmed. I had no idea there'd be this many people."

"Friends of my parents, mostly. They'll be leaving soon."

He was right, she realized. The older witches and wizards began to depart, offering their best wishes on their way out the door. James's parents weren't far behind, kissing them both on the cheek before they headed upstairs.

Clearly, this was the opportunity Sirius had been waiting for. He got to his feet, swaying slightly as he cast a Muffliato.

"Here's to Prongs!" he shouted, raising his glass in the air. "Perfect nickname, wouldn't you say? Horniest bloke I've ever known, truly."

Horny? She did her best to hide her confusion, pretending to laugh along with the others.

"And Lily, sweet, beautiful Lily, who's chosen to saddle herself to a rutting stag for the rest of her life. Let's hope she can handle him, eh?"

Wasn't James supposed to be a virgin? How would Sirius know…

Lily shook her head, choosing not to dwell on it. Sirius was probably talking out of his ass – he was quite drunk.

"James?"

"Yeah?" He turned to face her, still laughing at Sirius's toast.

"It's almost 9 PM. Will you be ready to go soon?"

"Sure. Just a couple more toasts, all right?"

"Okay."

By 10 PM, she was starting to get annoyed. James's parents had gone upstairs more than an hour ago, the older guests having long since departed. It was just James and his friends now, laughing uproariously as they guzzled countless bottles of wine.

Perhaps it would've been easier if she'd had friends of her own to invite. As it was, even Petunia had refused to come, saying she couldn't condone Lily's poor choice of a husband. Not that she had any right to talk in that regard, but still…

Still, it was terrible to feel out of place at her own wedding reception, utterly forgotten as the others celebrated without her. She'd never felt more lonely, wanting nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed.

"James? James!"

"What? Oh, sorry, must've forgotten the time. One more toast, I swear…"

"Don't worry about it," she said as she got to her feet. "Just meet me back at the flat, all right?"

He nodded. "Be there shortly."

Slowly, she walked home, resisting the urge to cry. As pathetic as she felt, she didn't want to ruin her makeup, refusing to undress as she trudged into the bedroom. Despite everything, she still wanted to look beautiful for him, wanted him to be the one who undressed her. She'd been fantasizing about it for weeks, imagining his fingers unfastening the pearl buttons at her throat before he drew the dress down over her shoulders.

But that wasn't all. She'd even transfigured lingerie for him, too self-conscious to purchase anything so revealing at a shop. It was hidden beneath her wedding dress, pale pink and practically transparent, quite flattering in the way it clung to her curves. This morning, she couldn't wait for him to see it, but now…

She waited another hour before she took off her wedding dress. 30 more minutes and she got rid of the lingerie as well, stuffing it in the trash bin. She put on a warm flannel nightgown, deciding she wasn't going to freeze her tits off for someone who wasn't even there.

As the clock struck 1 AM, she cried herself to sleep, no longer giving a damn about smeared makeup.


"Lily?"

"James?" She sat up in bed, squinting at the clock. "Bloody hell, it's 4 AM!"

"I know," he said as he dropped onto the mattress beside her. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? That's all you have to say?"

"Look. I got carried away, all right? I'll make it up to you."

"How?! It's not like we're ever going to have another wedding night!"

"I know," he whispered, "but this one isn't over yet."

"You still want to…"

"Sure," he said, taking off his dress robes before he crawled into bed. "I mean, unless you'd rather wait."

"I'm tired of waiting. Let's just get it over with."

"Okay."

She didn't know how to react, trying not to cringe as he slipped a hand inside her nightgown. This was hardly the wedding night she'd imagined, her husband reeking of alcohol, breathing heavily against her neck as he fumbled with her breasts. After a minute, he pulled away, lying on his back as he unzipped his trousers.

"Should I take my nightgown off?"

"No, leave it on. Just… hold on a minute, all right?"

She frowned, sliding her thumbs beneath the waistband of her underwear. "Shouldn't I at least…"

"Shhh. Let me focus."

Only then did she realize what he was doing, his hand pumping furiously as he let out a series of frustrated grunts.

"James, are you having trouble getting…"

"Hard? Yeah, just a bit. If you'll give me a minute…"

Was this what sex was supposed to be like? She stared at him in bewilderment, listening to him curse under his breath as he jerked himself a little faster.

"Lily," he said, panting so hard he could barely get the words out. "Take your knickers off."

She slid her underwear down over her legs, gasping as he rolled on top of her. He pushed her nightgown up around her waist, urging her thighs apart as he shifted into position.

It wasn't going to work. She knew that much, despite her lack of experience. He wasn't hard enough for penetration, probing against her uselessly as he attempted to gain entry.

"James, stop."

He pulled away, unable to hide the relief in his expression as he flopped down on the other side of the bed.

"I'm sorry," he said after a moment. "Must be the alcohol."

"Yeah." She hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. "Why don't we try to get some sleep?"


Mrs. Potter opened the door, breaking into a huge smile as she spotted Lily on the porch. She ushered her inside, humming to herself as she prepared a tray of tea and biscuits.

"Nice to see you, dear," she said as she sat down. "Did you enjoy yourself last night?"

"I… it wasn't what I'd expected."

"No? Well, you must've enjoyed the ceremony. It really was quite lovely."

Lily nodded.

"As for the intercourse…"

Clearly, she'd chosen the worst possible moment to take a bite of biscuit. She nearly choked, sputtering as she reached for her tea.

"Oh, no need to be embarrassed. There's nothing wrong with talking about these things."

"With my mother-in-law?"

Mrs. Potter chuckled. "I'm not asking for any details, I assure you. I just wanted you to know that it gets easier."

"Really? How so?"

"The first time can be uncomfortable, perhaps even unpleasant. If that was the case with you…"

"Uncomfortable," Lily repeated. "Yeah, you might say that."

Mrs. Potter nodded. "That's perfectly normal. Once he calms down, learns how to be a little less eager, it'll be much more enjoyable for you."

Eager? Lily wouldn't have minded if James had been eager. What bothered her was his lack of desire, which she couldn't blame on the alcohol. He would've been sober when he'd woken up that morning, after all, yet he'd made no attempt to try again. He'd snuck out while she was still asleep, leaving a hastily scrawled note on the pillow.

Gone to practice Quidditch. I'll be back later tonight.

Maybe he was embarrassed? That didn't seem likely, though she was still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. They'd been married for less than 24 hours – wasn't it a little soon to assume the worst?

"I need to get going," she told Mrs. Potter. "I'm planning to cook dinner, then maybe James and I can have a quiet night together."

"That's a lovely idea."


Lily spent all day in the kitchen, using the recipe Mrs. Potter had given her to make James's favorite pot roast. She prepared buttered potatoes crusted with herbs as a side dish, baking a loaf of bread along with a lemon meringue pie.

By the time she'd finished, the sun had just begun to set. She cast a Stasis Charm on the food, cleaning the flat from top to bottom before she lit the sconces on the walls. She even used her wedding flowers to make a lovely centerpiece, setting it in the middle of the table.

Finally, she went upstairs to take a bath, anticipating the night to come.

"Lily?"

"I'll be down in a minute!"

Hastily, she slipped into a flattering black dress, running a brush through her hair. She put on a bit of lip gloss along with a touch of perfume, smiling as she headed downstairs.

"Hey Lily. You don't mind if Sirius joins us, do you?"

Both of them were already seated at the table, devouring the pot roast she'd worked so hard to make.

"James, that was for the two of us."

"I know, but there's plenty to go around."

"That isn't the point."

"Hey, I can go ahead and take off." Sirius paused, swallowing a mouthful of bread. "Wouldn't want to get in the way."

Lily nodded. "I really was hoping…"

"Don't be absurd!" James interrupted. "My home is your home, remember? You're always welcome here."

"Our home," she corrected, though neither of them heard her. They didn't even notice when she left the room, the sound of their laughter echoing in her ears as she stomped up the stairs.

It was the middle of the night when James finally fell into bed beside her. He mumbled some sort of apology, though she didn't respond, waiting to see what he'd do next. Would he try to kiss her, touch her, do any of the things that a husband was supposed to do?

Apparently not. He stayed on the other side of the bed, letting out a soft snore as her eyes filled with tears.


The next morning, Lily came to a conclusion. If James wasn't going to put any effort into their marriage, then she wouldn't either. If he wanted things to improve? Well, it was his turn to try and make that happen.

"Mind if I go out for a bit?"

She shrugged. "Do whatever you want."

Of course, he didn't bother to kiss her before he left. He hadn't done that since the wedding, had barely even touched her aside from his botched attempt to consummate their marriage. What had changed between them?

Before the wedding, he'd been attentive and affectionate. He'd gone out of his way to tell her how much he loved her, how beautiful she was, claiming he couldn't wait to sleep with her. Clearly, that wasn't the case, so why had he proposed? It couldn't have been for money or power or status, didn't have anything to do with family connections or marrying into the right bloodlines. She had nothing to offer other than herself.

His behavior continued to baffle her as the weeks passed. He only grew more distant, until finally, she couldn't take it anymore.

"We need to talk."

"Lily, I have to go. Told Sirius I'd meet him at…"

"Oh, bugger Sirius! The last time I checked, he wasn't your wife."

James sighed, closing the door before he sat down on the couch. "Okay," he said. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "The fact that you even have to ask…"

"Look, I know I've been preoccupied lately…"

"Preoccupied?! James, you haven't kissed me since the wedding! You barely talk to me anymore, you…" She trailed off, dropping onto the couch beside him. "I just want to know what changed."

"Nothing's changed! I've just been busy."

"Too busy to consummate your marriage?"

"I'm going to, all right? I just haven't…"

"Haven't gotten around to it? James, it's been two months! Why the bloody hell did you marry me if you didn't want to…"

"I do!"

"Oh yeah? Prove it. Go on then, take off your trousers. We'll do it right here on the couch."

He shook his head. "That isn't the way to…"

"Then what will it take?"

"I don't know, okay? You're kind of putting me on the spot here."

"Putting you on the spot? You've had months…" She trailed off, shaking her head. "Look, I don't want to be married to a man who has no interest in sleeping with me. If that's the case, just go ahead and say so. We can always get an annulment."

"An annulment?" To her surprise, he looked appalled by the suggestion. "We can't!"

"Sure we can. All we need is proof that the marriage hasn't been consummated. Any certified healer can take care of that."

"I don't want an annulment," James said. "I want…"

Before she realized what was happening, he was kissing her, reaching down to unzip his fly. She was too shocked to resist, gasping as he pushed her back against the cushions. He slid a hand under her skirt, using the other to stroke himself.

"Wait," she said, realizing he wasn't erect.

The truth was, she no longer wanted to have sex for its own sake. She didn't care about passion or pleasure, was even a little repulsed as she knelt between his thighs, drawing him into her mouth. But she did it anyway, desperate to prove that her marriage wasn't a sham.

Of course, she had no idea what she was doing. She slid her lips up and down, remembering bits of gossip she'd heard from more experienced girls as she teased him with the tip of her tongue.

To her surprise, it worked. She felt him growing bigger, shocked when she realized he was fully hard. He started to moan, his hands gripping her head almost painfully as he thrusted into her mouth.

Could this be the answer? Maybe he had been embarrassed on their wedding night, distancing himself out of fear that it would happen again. Maybe his difficulties were just some minor physical quirk, one that could easily be solved by what she was doing now. If she could just…

"Sirius…"

"What did you say?"

His eyes snapped open, his expression bewildered. "I didn't say anything."

"Yes, you did! You were calling for Sirius!"

"I… I wasn't calling for him! I just… I was just going to mention that he's waiting for me. Changed my mind, didn't want to spoil the mood."

"Yeah?" she shot back, gesturing at his deflating erection. "Too late for that."

"I'm sorry, all right? If you want to try again…"

"Forget it."

"Honestly, I really was enjoying…"

Trailing off, he looked up as an owl swooped in through the window. It dropped a scroll on the table, tapping its claws impatiently. Lily fed it a couple treats, sending it on its way before she turned back to James.

"What's wrong?"

His face had gone pale, his hands shaking as he set down the message.

"Dad has Dragon Pox," he said quietly. "Mum's taken him to St Mungo's."


Despite their best efforts, the healers couldn't save Mr. Potter. He succumbed to the disease just a few hours after James and Lily arrived at the hospital, whispering a final goodbye to his wife and son.

"Honestly," Mrs. Potter said as she sniffled into her handkerchief. "I don't know what I'm going to do without him."

Lily nodded, putting an arm around her shoulders. "We'll do everything we can to help you. I'm so sorry…"

She trailed off as Mrs. Potter sneezed, her eyes widening as the square of fabric caught fire. The older woman's skin suddenly took on a green tinge, a flurry of bumps appearing on her cheeks and forehead.

"Please, we need a healer!"

Mrs. Potter managed to hold on for several days, though unfortunately, it was only a matter of time. Like her husband, she was too old and frail to fight off such an invasive iillness.

"Can you step outside for a minute?" she asked James. "I need to speak with Lily."

Lily sat beside her, reaching over to take her hand.

"I… I need you to do something for me."

"What is it?"

"Give him a child."

Lily hesitated. "I'm really not sure…"

"Please, just one child," Mrs. Potter whispered. "Otherwise, the Potter name dies with him. My fault. I should've never…"

"Your fault?"

"Marrying another Pureblood. I should've known better."

Of course, that explained why Mrs. Potter had been so accepting, why she'd been so eager for their wedding to take place. She must've been thrilled that James was marrying a Muggleborn, assuming that would increase his chances of reproducing. An entire brood of healthy grandchildren… that would've alleviated her guilt, something she'd obviously been living with for much of her life.

Lily couldn't blame her for that, though it did lead to other, more distressing thoughts. Was this why James had married her? Had his mother pressured him into it? She didn't want to think so, yet…

"A child," Mrs. Potter whispered as her breathing grew more labored. "Please…"

"I… I promise."

"And take… take care of my James."

"I will."


Thankfully, neither James or Lily contracted Dragon Pox. She arranged the funerals while he found a buyer for their flat, insisting he wanted to move back home.

She couldn't bring herself to argue, knowing what it was like to lose both parents. Unfortunately, moving back into the Potters' home only made matters worse. He shut himself up in his old bedroom, refusing to come out for days or even weeks at a time. On the rare occasions she saw him, he was red eyed and reeking of wine, his clothes filthy.

"All right, Lils?"

She sighed, shaking her head at Sirius. "Is he ever going to come out?"

"Oh, sure. He just needs a little time."

"He's had time! It's been two months!"

"To be fair, he's doing much better than he was a month ago."

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't know. I haven't seen him since…" She trailed off, realizing that she couldn't even remember. Had it been two weeks ago? Three?

"He likes to be alone when he's feeling down. I wouldn't take it personally."

"Alone? Then why is he always letting you come in there?"

Sirius hesitated. "That's different."

"How so?"

"I'm his best friend."

"And I'm his wife! Don't you think…"

"Padfoot?" called a voice from above. "You coming up?"

"Yeah, mate, I'll be right there!" Sirius turned back to Lily, patting her on the shoulder. "He can be a pain in the arse. No one knows that better than I do, believe me. Just… bear with him, all right? I'll see what I can do to get him out of there."

She didn't respond, sighing heavily as he bounded upstairs.


A handful of Death Eaters are rumored to be meeting at a specific location this evening. South London, Muggle pub by the name of Hopkins' Hops and Barley. Will either of you be available?

I can come, Lily responded, using the enchanted piece of parchment she'd been given. What time?

9 PM. We'll be in the alley behind the pub.

She stepped outside at 8:45 PM, hardly able to contain her excitement. It had been months since she'd worked for the Order, weeks since she'd even left the house. Really, she should ask Dumbledore to give her assignments a little more often. He'd been leaving them alone out of respect for James's loss, but she wasn't her husband, was she? Why should she have to put her own life on hold?

Her destination was easy to find. She arrived a few minutes early, pacing up and down the alley as she waited for the others. Finally, she forced herself to stop, squinting into the shadows. Surely they'd arrive soon? It seemed strange that none of them were here yet.

She waited 10 more minutes before she pulled the slip of parchment out of her pocket. Igniting the tip of her wand, she muttered a spell, revealing the last message she'd received.

"Buggering hell."

9 PM? She was supposed to be here at 7 PM, Of course, the sloppy handwriting made it nearly impossible to tell the difference.

Sighing, she tucked the message away as she turned to leave. She'd barely made it two steps when a figure slipped into the alley, the light from her wand illuminating the contours of his mask. Slowly, he walked toward her, panic rising in her throat as he approached. She gasped, firing off a quick Stunner.

He deflected it effortlessly, though he didn't attempt to strike back. Instead, he lowered his wand, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Lily?"

"Severus?!"