Catalyst

Lily froze, unable to move or speak. She watched Severus remove his mask, nearly forgetting the wand in her hand as his eyes met hers.

"Are you going to kill me?" he said quietly.

Kill. That one word brought home the reality of her situation, reminding her that this wasn't the Severus she'd known. This was a Death Eater, a stranger who'd chosen to be her enemy. True, he hadn't attempted to curse her yet, but that didn't mean his intentions were good.

"Kill you?" she echoed. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't."

He hesitated, lowering his eyes. "I have no reasons to give you. Not anymore."

"So you're saying you'd let me…" She shook her head. "This is a trap."

"It's not a trap."

"Yeah? Prove it."

"How?" he said. "Tell me what to do and I'll do it."

"Give me your wand."

To her surprise, he stepped forward, placing his wand at her feet. She bent down to pick it up, aiming her own wand directly at his chest.

"Foolish move, Severus."

"Perhaps." He shrugged. "Or perhaps it doesn't matter."

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean it doesn't matter if I have a wand. It's not like I'd use it against you."

"But you can't defend yourself either," she pointed out. "What's to stop me from cursing you into oblivion?"

He inclined his head. "Do what you must."

"Avada…"

He made no attempt to move. He didn't even flinch. Instead, he just stood there quietly, his eyes fixed on hers as he waited for her to kill him.

"Are you suicidal?"

"No."

"Then why…"

"Because I knew you wouldn't do it."

"Oh yeah?" She narrowed her eyes. "If you think I don't have the guts…"

"I knew you wouldn't do it," he repeated, "because I know you. You might be a good fighter, but I don't believe you could take anyone's life unless you had no other choice. Killing someone who has no means of defending himself? That's not in your nature."

"No," she agreed. "I'm not a Death Eater."

Her words accomplished what her wand couldn't do. He flinched, turning his face away.

"Whatever I've done…"

"Why?" she interrupted, her voice trembling. "Why did you do it, Severus? I knew you were thinking about joining him, but I always thought… well, I suppose hoped is a better word. I hoped you'd turn back before it was too late, that you'd realize…"

"I couldn't see it. Not at the time. Now I…"

He trailed off, his eyes narrowing. Before she could stop him, he snatched his wand out of her hand, pointing it directly at her face.

"Sev…"

"Shhh!"

She gasped, feeling the distinct trickle of a Disillusionment Charm. With that, he covered his face, turning to greet the hooded figure who'd just appeared at the other end of the alley.

"What's going on?" called the unknown Death Eater.

"Just taking a piss," he replied, his voice casual. "Let's go."


Lily had assumed Severus would be dead to her if he ever joined the Death Eaters. Perhaps that was why she'd chosen to let him go, unable to see how the boy she'd known could also be a follower of Voldemort. She'd never imagined him as both those things, his face, his voice, even the look in his eyes still painfully familiar beneath that hideous mask.

He could've killed her. She knew that now. There'd never been a second when he hadn't had the advantage, even when he'd surrendered his wand. He could've taken it back in the blink of an eye, something he'd proven when he'd cast the Disillusionment Charm.

He could've killed her, yet he'd protected her instead. Why?

"I couldn't see it. Not at the time. Now I…"

If they hadn't been interrupted, what would he have said? Would he have admitted that joining the Death Eaters had been a mistake? She wanted to think so, though she was hesitant to make any assumptions. He still wore the mask, after all, which meant… honestly, she didn't know what it meant.

"Hey, Lils."

She nodded at Sirius, passing him a plate as he joined her at the table. A couple seconds later, James entered the kitchen, settling himself in a chair before he helped himself to some chicken.

"Looks great," he said. "Thanks."

She didn't know what Sirius had done, but somehow, he'd gotten through to her husband. James had emerged from his parents' room, easing back into their normal routine. To her relief, he'd resumed bathing, too, ridding himself of the stench of stale alcohol.

"Going out tonight?"

James nodded. "Not sure how long we'll be, but…"

"I won't wait up."

There was no bitterness in her voice when she said it. Somehow, she'd gotten past all that, forced to accept that James was incapable of acting like a proper husband. Really, what was the point in trying anymore?

She waited for them to leave before she headed upstairs, filling the tub with warm, sudsy water. Lighting a couple candles, she slipped into the bath, glad to have the house to herself.

Of course, that didn't mean she wasn't lonely. It hit her hardest late at night, lying in a bed that was much too big for one person. Night after night, she'd cling to her pillow, wishing she had someone there beside her.

Someone, yes, but who? She knew it wasn't James she wanted. Her feelings toward him had changed, her attraction destroyed by long months of neglect. Why should she care if he didn't kiss her, didn't touch her, didn't bother to share her bed? These days, she didn't want those things either.

What she did want? Answers. She needed to know why he'd pretended to be something he wasn't, convincing her to marry him under false pretenses. That was the part that still hurt, a betrayal of trust she didn't know how to forgive.

Why had he done it? She suspected it had something to do with his mother, though she hadn't wanted to confront him while he was grieving. In the meantime, she'd had no choice but to accept their odd arrangement, a wife who was treated like some sort of casual acquaintance.

That wasn't what she'd signed up for. James knew that as well as she did, though he didn't seem to care. Really, it was no different than he'd treated her in their younger years. He'd been determined to get what he'd wanted, even if that meant using her feelings against her.

"Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

She sighed, casting a Drying Charm on herself before she put on a light nightgown. Yes, she wanted answers, but she wouldn't be getting them tonight. There was nothing to do but crawl into an empty bed, arms wrapped tightly around her pillow as she drifted off to sleep.


Lily sat up, trying to figure out what had woken her. She waited a few seconds before she heard it again, a distinct moaning sound that seemed to be coming from across the hall.

"Bloody hell!"

The words were muffled, but there was no mistaking the strain in James's voice. He shouted again, the words unintelligible, taking several breaths that sounded more like sobs. A nightmare? Or something worse?

Grabbing her wand, she slipped out of bed, stepping out into the hallway. His cries had only gotten louder, accompanied by a strange, rhythmic sound. Was he punching the wall? Why on earth would he…

"James?" she whispered, opening the door a crack.

Her husband was on his hands and knees, his naked skin sheened with sweat as he rocked back and forth. Even the bed was moving, headboard hitting the wall with each of Sirius's swift, pounding thrusts.

"What the hell?" she muttered, though neither of them heard her. She stood there frozen, pressing a hand to her mouth as Sirius flipped James onto his back.

"More," James insisted, groaning loudly as Sirius penetrated him again. He reached down to stroke himself, his other hand clawing at the bed sheets.

"You…" Sirius said, each word punctuated by a thrust, "are… insatiable…"

The wedding toast… what had he said?

"Horniest bloke I've ever known, truly."

It hadn't made sense at the time, but now

Somehow, Lily remembered how to move. She pulled the door closed, retreating to her room as the pounding noises grew more urgent. Finally, James howled, followed by a grunt from Sirius, plunging the house into silence.

Why hadn't she seen it? She shook her head, struggling to come to terms with what should've been obvious all along. James fancied boys. Not just boys, but Sirius in particular. That was why he'd insisted on waiting until their wedding night, why he'd been unable to consummate their marriage. She wasn't, nor had she ever been, what he'd wanted.

"I'm such an idiot," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.

The more she thought about it, the more stupid she felt. Sirius had always been more important than her in James's eyes, his excuse for so many things in their relationship. Why hadn't she seen it? Why hadn't she realized…

Because he'd gone out of his way to deceive her.

That was the cold, hard truth, one she could no longer ignore. He'd been lying to her since that first kiss, adapting his behavior to make him seem like a perfect boyfriend. He'd dismissed her doubts, blown through all her reservations, wearing her down until she'd agreed to become his wife.

But why had he done it? That was the question that haunted her, even more so than it had before. She wanted to storm back across the hall and demand answers, but it was just too humiliating, too painful, too much for her to deal with at this particular moment. She laid back down instead, tears soaking the pillow as she wondered how she could've been so blind.

"He's deceiving you, Lily. He's manipulating you and you can't even see it."

Severus.

He'd tried to warn her. That night she'd confronted him in the hall, furious over James's injuries…

"You ambushed him!"

"Is that what he told you? Well, I'm afraid it was the other way around."

Had he been lying? She'd thought so at the time, but now…

"Why don't you just apologize? I know you don't like James, but what you did was wrong. Can't you see that?"

"I didn't do anything wrong! He's the one who started it."

True, James had sworn he'd leave Severus alone, but had he really gone from one extreme to another? That didn't seem likely. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more it seemed like the opposite might be true. He'd always taken delight in humiliating Severus, hurting him, taunting him with cruel insults and mocking laughter. Why would he have stopped, knowing he could fool everyone into believing that Severus was at fault?

"Leave him alone," she heard herself say, remembering that day at the lake. "What's he done to you?"

"Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"

Severus hadn't been the aggressor that day. He'd been the victim, just as he had in so many other situations. Wasn't that why she'd asked James to leave him alone? The bullying had come from the Marauders more often than not, almost always with an unfair advantage. Severus without a wand, lying there defenseless, unable to move…

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

For the first time, she skipped over the memory of Severus calling her that awful name. Instead, she remembered his expression, fury and humiliation mingled with pain.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"

She'd been walking away at that point, so upset that she hadn't bothered to look back over her shoulder. At the time, she'd assumed it was just an empty threat, but now…

"Shit."

Suddenly, a different memory flashed through her mind, one that had taken place almost two years later. She saw Severus lying naked in the hallway, reeking of urine as he'd shivered in the chilly morning air.

"I don't know who did it. I never saw them."

He must've known who the culprit was, yet he'd chosen to keep that information to himself. Obviously, he hadn't expected anyone to believe him, even in a situation where he couldn't have been mistaken for anything other than a victim.

Why the bloody hell hadn't she seen it? How could she have been so blind?

Wiping her eyes, she lifted her wand, twirling it in a familiar motion. She whispered a message to her Patronus, watching it disappear before she got up to dress.


Severus shot up in bed, his eyes widening as he spotted the doe. She opened her mouth to speak, Lily's sweet, unmistakable voice echoing off the bedroom walls.

"Severus? I was hoping we could talk."

"Where?"

"That place we stayed when we were 10. Do you remember it?"

He nodded, picturing the cottage where Lily's parents had taken them on a brief summer holiday. That had been one of the happiest times of his life, a memory he often drew upon when conjuring his own Patronus.

"I remember," he said quietly. "When?"

"Now."

It was well past 2 AM, but what did that matter? He got up and dressed, his heart pounding as he Apparated to the cottage by the seaside. She couldn't have picked a better spot – the tiny village was far removed from the Wizarding world, practically invisible to anyone who wasn't familiar with the location.

"Severus," she said, her voice barely above a whisper as she opened the door. "I was hoping you'd come."

"Did you imagine I'd refuse?"

"No, but you might've been…"

"I wasn't working for him, if that's what you're suggesting. I was at home asleep."

"I'm sorry I woke you."

He shrugged. "I'm not."

Clearly, she'd been there for a while. She'd removed the covers from the furniture, clearing the dust that must've covered the floor. There wasn't much in the way of lighting, but she'd conjured a handful of candles, placing them around the room.

"Do you think it's safe?"

"Safe enough," he said as he joined her on the couch. "Who would think to look for us here?"

She didn't respond, staring at some distant point beyond him. Only then did he realize that she'd been crying, her eyes red rimmed and puffy.

"Severus, I… I wanted to apologize."

"Apologize?" He frowned. "For what?"

"For not listening to you. You were right about James, you tried to tell me…"

"What did he do?"

She shook her head. "Let's just say he isn't the person I thought he was."

"Yes, well…" He hesitated, biting back a sharp retort. "Potter fooled a lot of people. I wouldn't blame yourself for that."

"What he did to you…"

"It doesn't matter now."

"It does." She reached for his hand, her eyes filling with tears. "Please, Severus. I've been lied to so much that I… I don't know what to believe anymore. I need to know the truth, need someone to tell me…"

"Very well," he interrupted. "What would you like to know?"

"That day in the woods… what really happened?"

He shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh. "I was foolish enough to go off on my own. They followed me, caught me unawares. I challenged Potter to a duel, but when it became clear that I was winning…"

"They ganged up on you?"

"Of course they did. I managed to fend them off for a little while, but eventually, I was knocked unconscious. When I woke up, my injuries were… extensive. I was unable to Hogwarts until I'd recuperated."

"So you did heal yourself."

He shrugged. "That wasn't the first time I had to do so. Nor the last, for that matter."

"Unbelievable."

Lily's voice was laced with anger, though to his relief, it wasn't directed at him. What had happened since the last time he'd seen her? Something to do with Potter, obviously, though he wouldn't allow himself to imagine what that was. This conversation was going far better than he'd expected – he didn't want to spoil it by threatening to murder her husband.

"I asked James to leave you alone. He promised…"

"He lied. Hardly a day went by when I wasn't hexed, particularly during our final year. They stalked me through the halls, used some sort of tracking device to catch me unawares. They…"

"They stripped off your clothes. Left you lying there Petrified. They…" Lily hesitated, shaking her head. "They peed on you, didn't they?"

Severus flinched, refusing to meet her eyes.

"And you didn't tell because…"

"You already know the answer to that."

"Because you assumed that no one would believe you?"

"I didn't assume," he said, struggling to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "I knew."

"You could've at least tried. You could've…"

"I was sick of trying! Can't you understand that? When that happened… that was two years after Black nearly got me killed, only to be let off with a warning. A bloody warning! Dumbledore never stopped excusing their actions, McGonagall wouldn't even hear me out. They always assumed the worst of me, refusing to believe that their precious Gryffindors could possibly be at fault. Even you… what was I supposed to do? There was no one I could turn to, no one…"

"No one," she said quietly, "except You-Know-Who."

"Yes."

"Oh, Severus…"

He shook his head. "Don't feel sorry for me, Lily. Don't excuse my actions. I've done terrible things, I…"

"Did you want to do them?"

Hesitating, he thought about the Muggle family he'd killed last week. As usual, he'd had no choice but to put them out of their misery, bringing an end to the torture they'd been forced to endure.

"No," he said. "No, I did not. I thought… I didn't realize…"

"You must've heard the rumors."

"Yes, but I didn't want to believe them. All I saw was…"

"What you wanted to see," she finished for him.

"Yes."

"Just like I did with James."

He nodded. "We've both learned a great deal about deception, it seems."

"I wish… I wish we would've listened to each other. I can't help thinking about how different our lives would be if…" She trailed off, covering her face with her hands.

Not knowing what else to do, he pulled her into his arms, stroking her hair with the tips of his fingers. She didn't resist, something twisting deep inside him as she buried her face in his neck.

"It's all right," he said, his voice low. "Truly, this is my fault. I shouldn't have…"

"Severus?" she whispered, lifting her head to look at him. She'd never seemed more vulnerable to him than she did in that moment, tear filled eyes shimmering beneath the candlelight.

"What is it?"

"If you could go back and choose… I mean, between You-Know-Who and me, what would you…"

"I'd choose you. Without hesitation. Knowing what I know now, I could've never…"

He wasn't prepared for her reaction, his eyes widening as she pressed her lips to his. The next thing he knew, he was kissing her back, groaning low in his throat, tongue delving into her mouth much more forcefully than he'd intended. He kept expecting her to stop him, wondering if he was on the verge of waking up from yet another dream.

But this wasn't a dream. This was all too real, from the taste of her mouth to the warm, solid body he held in his arms. He eased her back against the cushions, and still, she didn't resist, sighing in encouragement as he moved to kiss her neck.

Why was this happening? He attempted to find some logical reason, only to decide that it didn't matter. Nothing mattered except the way she felt beneath him, shivers skittering up his spine as he imagined what it would feel like to be inside her. If he could have that, even just this once

"Lily," he said, his voice emerging as a harsh whisper. "If you want me to stop…"

"Don't stop. Please."

He let out a shuddering sigh, clumsy in his eagerness as he unbuttoned her top. Lowering his head, he rained kisses across her neck, along her jawline, practically devouring her mouth as he reached around to unfasten her bra. Her breasts… he was quite certain he'd never seen anything more beautiful in his life, teasing her nipple with the tip of his tongue before he drew it into his mouth.

The truth was, he had no idea what he was doing. While he'd read numerous books on the subject, he'd never actually…

"Mmmm…"

Well, perhaps he was doing something right.

Encouraged by Lily's reaction, he turned his attention to her other breast, sliding a hand beneath her skirt. He caressed her stomach, her thighs, holding his breath as she lifted her hips, allowing him to remove the rest of her clothing.

"Severus…" she whispered. "I want…"

"Tell me."

In response, she positioned his hand between her legs, showing him how to touch her. He mimicked her movements, rewarded with a shaky moan as he increased the friction. Her breathing grew faster, soft sounds urging him on, though of course, he didn't need any encouragement. He could've done this for the rest of his life, utterly captivated by the way she arched her back, seeking his touch. It was almost enough to make him forget about his own need, too intent on her satisfaction to focus on anything else.

"Oh god."

He'd never forget the way she looked in that moment, her face slack with pleasure as she quivered from head to toe. When she finally opened her eyes, they were hazy, unfocused, her lips curving into a small, satisfied smile.

With that, his own need returned with a vengeance. He nearly tore his robe trying to get it off, fumbling with what seemed like far too many buttons. Lily leaned forward to help him, her soft hands making him gasp as she freed him from his trousers. With that, she lay back down, offering an enticing view of herself as she parted her legs in invitation.

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath. He was already on the brink, fighting for control as he knelt between her thighs. He felt her hands sliding across his back, legs wrapping around his waist, her body stretching to accommodate him as he plunged himself inside her. She gasped, fingernails digging into his shoulders, his hips seeming to move of their own volition despite all his attempts to pace himself. He'd never imagined anything could feel so good, soft moans filling his ears as he drove himself deeper, intoxicated by the sensation of her tight, velvety heat.

"Severus…"

He groaned in response, closing his eyes as wave after wave of pleasure shuddered through him. It seemed to go on forever, yet it ended all too soon, leaving him utterly drained in the aftermath. It was all he could do just to shift to one side, pressing his face against her neck as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Are you all right?" she said, sounding faintly amused.

"I can honestly say… that I've never… been better."

"Me too. I had no idea…"

"What?" He prompted when she trailed off.

"I had no idea I could feel that way."

"You mean Potter hasn't…"

From the moment she'd kissed him, he'd been pretending that her wretched husband didn't exist, an alternate reality that suited him just fine. Yet on the other hand, he couldn't deny his… curiosity? Or was it pride? Either way, part of him desperately wanted to believe that he was the better lover.

"James really isn't interested in…"

"Pleasing you?"

"Yeah, I guess you could put it that way."

Six months of marriage and Potter had never managed to satisfy her? Severus couldn't help feeling superior, especially when he considered his own lack of experience. Unfortunately, his triumph was bittersweet, pride replaced by disgust when he thought about the implications. Clearly, the bastard didn't care if Lily enjoyed it or not. He'd rather use her for his own pleasure, as if that was the only thing that mattered.

"Your husband," he said, "is an idiot."

"Why do you say that? I mean, not that I disagree, but…"

"I could give you countless reasons, but in this case…" Severus shook his head, remembering the expression on her face when she'd lost control. Nothing, not even his own release, had been more gratifying than that.

"In this case," he repeated, "He's an idiot for neglecting your needs. Any man who wouldn't want to please you… that isn't mere idiocy. It's insanity."

"Really?"

Something about the way she said it… her insecurity was palpable, her confidence damaged, perhaps even destroyed by Potter's selfishness. Severus had never hated him more than he did in that moment, even as he hated himself for his own poor choices. If he hadn't alienated Lily all those years ago, if their friendship hadn't ended, maybe she wouldn't have…

No. There was no point in rehashing the past. All he had was the present.

"Really," he said. "I don't know why anyone would be stupid enough to take you for granted, but trust me when I say that Potter's failing has nothing to do with you. You are… an amazing lover. Beautiful and passionate, and…" He trailed off, feeling flustered.

Clearly, he wasn't the only one. Lily ducked her head, her cheeks turning pink.

"Thanks," she said. "You weren't too bad yourself."

He snorted. "I had no idea what I was doing. Next time…"

Of course, there was no guarantee there would even be a next time. For all he knew, this was an isolated incident, a moment of weakness or perhaps even a lapse in judgment on her part. She was still married, after all, even if…

"Shit."

"What's wrong?"

"It's getting light out," she said. "I'd better go."

He lifted his head, surprised to see that the sun had risen. The candles had long since sputtered out, replaced by soft rays of light that slanted across the room.

"What will you tell him?"

"Hopefully," she said as she reached for her clothes, "I won't have to tell him anything. He's a late sleeper."

He nodded, becoming painfully aware of his own nudity as he watched her dress. Summoning his trousers, he put them on, buttoning his shirt before he sat back down on the couch.

"Lily…"

"Yes?"

He opened his mouth and then closed it again, his mind buzzing with questions. He wanted to know why she'd done it, what it meant and whether she regretted what had happened between them. Would this be a single occurrence or was there some small hope…

No. This newfound understanding, this… connection was far too new, as miraculous as it was fragile. He wasn't willing to test it by putting her on the spot, afraid that one wrong word might break the spell.

"You'll want to be careful," he said instead. "If Potter found out…"

"Don't worry. I have a good excuse in case I need one."

"Yes, but it isn't just that." He reached for his cloak, withdrawing a tiny sack from the inner pocket. Enlarging it with a flick of his wand, he shuffled through the potions until he found the one he was looking for.

She frowned. "What's that?"

"Contraceptive."

"Oh, I didn't even think about…"

"You'll need to take it within the next few hours."

"Might as well do it now." She uncapped the vial, her face twisting as she downed the contents. "Ugh," she sputtered as she handed him the empty flask. "That's disgusting!"

"You've never had a Contraceptive Potion?"

She shook her head, conjuring a glass and filling it with water. He watched her drink, feeling sick as he considered the implications. Six months of marriage and she and Potter had never taken any precautions… was that just carelessness on his part? Or was he actively trying to get her pregnant?

Either way, the result would be the same. Surely Lily knew that. The fact that she'd never attempted to prevent such an outcome… did that mean she wanted to have Potter's child?

"I need to get going," she said, reaching down to put on her shoes. "I… I'll see you later, all right?"

"Of course."

He watched her leave before he put on his boots, Apparating back to Spinner's End. The drab little house was exactly the way he'd left it, right down to the half empty teacup on the bedside table. He might've believed it had all been a dream were it not for the whiff of perfume on his collar, a single red hair clinging to the front of his cloak.

Why had she done it? Perhaps he'd never know the answer to that question, though he supposed it didn't matter. He'd never regret the night they'd just spent together, even if it was the only one they were destined to share.