Truth
To Lily's relief, James was still asleep when she got home. She took off her shoes before she crept upstairs, sighing in relief as she locked herself in the bathroom.
She looked… different. It wasn't just her messy hair or rumpled clothes, her mouth still swollen from Severus's kisses. The change went deeper than that, something in her eyes that had never been there before. What was it? She couldn't say, still dazed by this strange new reality. To think that she'd finally had sex…
"Almost done? I need to piss."
She jumped, wondering how long she'd been staring at her reflection. Minutes? Hours? It didn't matter. As long as he was out there, she had no intention of leaving the bathroom.
"Taking a bath," she said, recovering her wits somewhat. "Use the toilet downstairs."
Was it her imagination, or did she sound different, too? What if he noticed? What if he saw that look in her eyes and somehow knew what it meant?
No. That was ridiculous. These were subtle cues, perhaps even nonexistent outside of her imagination. He'd be much more likely to pick up on obvious signs, like the unfamiliar, distinctly masculine scent that still clung to her clothes.
With that thought, she quickly undressed, casting a garment cleaning charm before she filled the tub with soapy water. The bath felt heavenly, relaxing her muscles as it soothed the soreness between her legs. She wiped a spot of dried blood off her thigh, wondering what Severus had thought when he'd realized he was her first. That must've been strange, to say the least, considering that she'd been married for six months. Hadn't he wondered…
"Lils?"
This time, it was Sirius who knocked on the door. She let out a heavy sigh, biting back a sharp retort.
"Yeah?"
"We're off to Diagon Alley. Back by dinner."
"Fine."
Of course they'd be back for dinner. Wasn't that the way it usually went? They'd stop by for an hour or two, expecting her to cook for them before they headed out for another adventure.
"Selfish gits," she muttered, waiting for the door to close before she climbed out of the tub. She cast a drying charm, relieved to have the house to herself as she finally left the bathroom.
As much as Lily wanted to confront James, she refused to do it when Sirius was around. Unfortunately, he never seemed to leave, a constant, infuriating presence she couldn't escape. He was there for breakfast. He showed back up for dinner. True, she had a few hours to herself in the evenings, but she always heard them come in, quietly fuming as she imagined what was happening across the hall.
Were they rubbing it in her face? It certainly seemed so. Now that she knew the truth, she couldn't be in the same room with them without seeing the signs. It was there in the way they looked at each other, their voices deeper, more intimate whenever they spoke. Even the way they touched…
She'd always thought these were innocent gestures. Slaps on the back, arms flung around each other's shoulders… wasn't that normal for best mates? Perhaps, though she couldn't help but notice the way their hands would linger, James grazing Sirius's neck with the tips of his fingers as he pulled his arm away.
How had she missed the obvious? Why hadn't she realized…
Realized what? That her husband was a lying sack of shit? That he'd been deceiving her all along? Both of those things were true, but why was she questioning her own behavior? True, she might've been easy to manipulate, but she wasn't to blame for his actions.
"Dinner ready?"
James was standing at the foot of the stairs, his hair even messier than usual. For once, he was alone, stifling a huge yawn as he wandered into the kitchen.
She shook her head. "I haven't started it yet."
"How long will it take? Need to leave in an hour."
"I don't feel like cooking. Why don't you make yourself a sandwich?"
"Can you do it? I should really grab a shower before…"
"James?"
"Yeah?"
"Make your own fucking sandwich."
"Well, you don't have to be nasty about it. I just figured since I'm the one who has plans tonight…"
Something inside her snapped, rage bubbling up like an overheated cauldron. She stormed over to the counter, gathering a few supplies before she turned to face him.
"Hungry?"
He nodded. "If you could just throw something together…"
"Throw? Sure." She grabbed a fistful of meat, hurling it directly at his face.
"Hey!"
"Would you like mustard on that?" She opened the jar, flinging the contents all over his jumper. "Oh yes, and mayonnaise. I'm sure you want plenty of…"
"What the bloody hell is your problem?!"
"My problem? You want to know what my problem is? I'm sick of your bullshit. You do nothing for me, yet you expect…"
"I don't do anything for you?" He hesitated, wiping a spot of mustard off his cheek. "Who paid for that dress you're wearing? Whose house are you living in? If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have…"
"You think I married you because I wanted a free ride?"
"I didn't say that. I only meant…"
"Oh, I know exactly what you meant."
"I didn't…" He trailed off, glancing at his stained jumper. "Look, can we talk about this later? I've really got to get a shower before Sirius…"
"Sirius?" The name was like a trigger. She narrowed her eyes, moving to block him as he tried to leave the kitchen. "Oh, yes. Let's talk about Sirius."
"What's your problem with him?"
"Only the fact that he's buggering my husband."
James recovered quickly, but not before she saw a flash of panic in his eyes. He shook his head, making another attempt to move past her.
"That is the most ridiculous…"
"Oh, give it up! I saw you with him. I opened the door to your room and the two of you were… well, let's just say you were a bit preoccupied."
"That's impossible."
"Not if you're so drunk that you forget to cast a Muffliato," she said. "That's how I found out, you know. I heard noises from across the hall, and I…"
"You spied on us?"
"Spied on you? Bloody hell, James, I thought you were having a nightmare! I went to check on you, assuming that was what a wife should do! To accuse me of…"
"All right," he said, sinking into the closest chair. "I'm sorry, all right? I… I never meant for you to find out."
"So you thought you could cheat on me and keep me in the dark about it? That's nice."
"What do you want me to say?"
"I want to know why you did it."
"Me and Sirius… we just…"
"No," she interrupted. "I want to know why you married me. Why did you fool me into thinking you were in love with me?"
"I do love…"
"Liar. Tell me why you did it."
"Lily, I…" He hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. "I had to get married. I couldn't carry on the bloodline without…"
"So you married me for my breeding potential. Nice."
"Isn't that the way it usually works? People get married because they want kids."
She shook her head. "Marriage is about love… two people caring for each other so much that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Having a family can be part of that, but it isn't the only reason. Or at least, it wasn't for me."
"I know, but…"
"But you already knew that, didn't you?" she continued. "That's why you made me believe…"
"What else was I supposed to do? My parents…"
"Why didn't you just tell them the truth? I mean, it's not like you're the only wizard who's ever fancied boys. I'm sure they would've understood."
"No," he said, sounding genuinely pained. "They wouldn't have. You don't know the pressure of being born into a family like mine. Any pureblood family, really, but especially mine. Our legacy goes back for centuries, Lily. If I don't figure out a way to continue it, the name dies with me."
"Okay, I won't argue with that, but it doesn't explain the deception. Why did you do it, James? Why did you act like you were in love with me?"
"Because if you'd known the truth, you would've never gone through with it."
"No," she agreed, "but it's not like I was the only option. Plenty of girls would've been happy to marry you for other reasons. Wealth. Family connections. Whatever. It's not like you had to lie to find a wife – surely you must've realized that."
"Yeah, but…"
"But you pursued me. Spent years trying to wear me down, even when I obviously wasn't interested. Why did you do that?"
"You're quite charming." He hesitated, clearly at a loss. "Beautiful, too."
She shook her head. "I wasn't the only one who was beautiful or charming. Besides, why did it matter what I looked like? You're obviously not attracted to girls."
"A pretty wife's still better than an ugly one." He shrugged. "Anyway, I enjoyed the challenge."
"The challenge of winning me over?" She hesitated, suddenly feeling sick. "Or the challenge of winning me away from Severus?"
James didn't respond. He didn't need to. The truth was written all over his face, a flash of disgust swiftly followed by triumph.
"You… you did it on purpose!"
"He wanted to be a Death Eater, Lily. Have you forgotten that?"
"He was my friend!" she shouted, her eyes filling with tears. "My closest friend, and you took him from me! You made me believe…"
"I didn't make you do anything. You were glad for an excuse to be rid of him."
"That isn't true! If you'd just left us alone…"
"What's done is done." James shrugged, leaning back in his chair. "Can't we put it behind us?"
"Put it behind us?! After what you did? Can't you see how wrong…"
"It wasn't wrong," he interrupted. "Snape was a wretched person, not to mention a terrible influence on you. You should be glad…"
"How do you know what kind of person he was? You never knew him! Never tried to get to know him. You decided to hate him right from that first day on the train, just because he wanted to be in Slytherin!"
"Isn't that reason enough?"
"No! No, it isn't! He only wanted that because of his family, the same reason you were desperate to be in Gryffindor!"
"What about the Dark magic?"
"You mean the Dark magic he learned from his mother? She was his only magical influence!"
"Why are you making excuses for him?"
"I'm not! Trust me, he knew I didn't like that stuff. My point is…" She hesitated, struggling for composure. "You never gave him a chance. No one did. Really, it's no wonder he started hanging around those awful people. The way you bullied him…"
"Are you expecting me to apologize?" James shook his head. "Well, I won't. He was a shit person who deserved everything he got. Honestly, he's lucky I even bothered to save his life."
"You did that to protect Sirius and Remus."
"Yeah, well, he's still alive because of me. I don't owe him a bloody thing."
"It's not about owing people," she said, fighting back another round of tears. "It's choosing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Can't you see how different it might've been if you'd at least tried…"
"Tried being nice to him?" James snorted. "He would've hexed me the minute my back was turned."
"Fine. Can I ask you one more question?"
"What?"
"Did you ever stop hurting him?"
"I did when we left Hogwarts."
"So seventh year, when you told me you'd leave him alone…"
James hesitated, then shrugged. "He deserved it."
"Yeah," she said bitterly. "That's what I thought you'd say."
"I need to see you."
Lily watched her Patronus take flight, pacing the kitchen as she waited for a response. Had she sent it too early? She hoped not. She'd hate to catch Severus at some inopportune moment, putting both of them at risk.
Still, she was desperate to see him. She waited another 10 minutes, anxiety gnawing at her insides as she stared out the window. Would he send his Patronus? Or would he just show up like he'd done at the cottage?
Either option was fine with her. She just needed to see that he was safe and well, needed to know that everything was okay between them.
She needed him.
It didn't make sense. Up until a week ago, he hadn't even been part of her life. They'd gone from friends to strangers, hadn't talked in years other than that night in the alley. How had he become so important to her so quickly? Why did it feel like he was the center of her world, the only thing that was keeping her sane?
Because they'd never been strangers.
She'd tried to separate herself from him. All those years ago, she'd given him up as a lost cause, telling herself that the Severus she'd known was gone. But had she ever believed it? Not really. Deep down, she'd never stopped loving him, hoping there was some small chance they might be reconciled someday.
Now that come back into her life? Well, maybe her need for him did make sense. All those years of thinking and hoping, missing him far more than she was ever willing to admit…
She lost her train of thought, her eyes widening as a dark shadow separated itself from the trees. In an instant, she knew that it was him, his robes billowing in the breeze as he approached the house with slow, cautious footsteps.
Asking him to come here of all places? He must've wondered if she'd gone insane. Still, he was willing to take the risk, lowering his hood as she ushered him inside.
"You've been crying," he observed, his brow furrowed. "Why?"
"I hate my husband."
"We have that in common, it seems. What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it. Can we just… pretend he doesn't exist?"
"That does happen to be one of my favorite pastimes," Severus said, his lips twitching. "He lives here, however, making it rather more difficult to ignore his existence. If he should return…"
She shook her head. "Full moon. He won't be back anytime soon."
"Ah. Out with the werewolf?"
"Yep."
He nodded, scanning the room before he returned his attention to her. The longing in his eyes was unmistakable, her breath coming a little faster as she closed the distance between them.
"Severus?"
"Yes?"
"Do you want to… you know…"
"For future reference," he said, his voice a silky murmur as he pulled her against him. "I always want to."
She shivered, moaning low in her throat as his mouth covered hers. This was what passion was supposed to feel like, worlds apart from the tepid affection she'd received from James. Severus seemed like he wanted to devour her, his kisses almost brutal as he slid a hand up her thigh.
"Wait," she said, forcing herself to take a step backward. "Let's go upstairs."
She led him to her room, leaving him to sit on the bed as she locked and warded the door. She turned around to find him watching her, his dark eyes glittering beneath the candlelight as she slipped out of her dress.
"Shall I take off the rest?"
"Please."
She nodded, reaching back to unfasten her bra. Tossing it aside, she slid her underwear off, removing the clip from her hair so it tumbled down her back.
"Your turn," she said, amused by how swiftly he managed to undress. His boots hit the floor, followed by his trousers, robe, and undershirt. The only thing left were his shorts, his erection straining against the thin fabric.
"Those, too."
"Right." Hastily, he took them off, his eyes meeting hers as he awaited her next instruction.
"Lie down."
How had she ended up in charge? She didn't know, but she certainly wasn't complaining. On the contrary, she'd never felt more powerful, more beautiful, holding his gaze as she placed her knees on the foot of the bed. Slowly, she crawled up the length of his body, not stopping until they were face to face.
"Severus," she whispered. "I want…"
"Tell me."
"I want to please you."
He made a strange noise, caught somewhere between a whimper and a groan. She murmured in response, kissing him slow and deep. Finally, she released his mouth, bringing her lips to the side of his neck. She teased his ear with the tip of her tongue, feeling him shiver as she moved lower, raining kisses across his chest and stomach.
Of course, she didn't intend on stopping there. She rose to kneel between his thighs, his eyes snapping open as he realized what she was doing. He cursed under his breath, burying his hands in her hair as she drew him into her mouth.
She'd tried this once with James, but again, Severus couldn't have been more different. He was fully aroused, unmistakably hard, groaning helplessly as she took him deeper, as deep as she could manage. She followed his wordless cues, mimicking the rhythm he set as he lifted his hips, thrusting gently into her mouth. By then, he was panting, releasing her hair to claw at the sheets.
"Lily," he rasped as she picked up momentum. "I can't…"
The rest of his words were lost, but she caught his meaning. Releasing him from her mouth, she shifted onto her hands and knees, kissing him fiercely as she guided him inside her.
"Severus…"
His only response was a shuddering groan, his hands skimming the length of her body. He kept his eyes fixed on hers, his expression mesmerized as she lifted her hips, bringing them down again and again with soft cries of pleasure. She didn't think it could get any better… not until his fingers delved between her thighs, rubbing her in slow, deliberate circles.
She moved faster, whimpering as he increased the friction. "Please," she gasped, her fingernails digging into his chest. "Don't stop."
"Never."
With that, he applied more pressure, her eyes squeezing shut as wave after wave of pleasure shuddered through her. When she opened them again, her head was resting on his shoulder, her body utterly sated. Only then did she realize that he wasn't quite finished. He lifted his hips, easing himself in and out of her, his expression a strange mixture of agony and bliss.
"I love you."
She hadn't meant to say it. Hadn't even realized she felt that way until the words left her mouth. Either way, the effect was instantaneous, his body jerking like he'd just been hit by a Stunner. She felt him pulsing inside her, muttering something that might've been her name as his body went limp.
"What you said…"
"I love you?"
"Did… did you mean it?"
"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't."
"I…" He closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. "You must know that I…"
"That you love me, too?"
"I always have. I'm just sorry that…"
Shaking her head, she pressed her fingers to his lips. "No apologies. Whatever happened or who was at fault, we can't change the past. All we have…"
"Is now," he finished for her.
She nodded, tracing the angular lines of his face. "Severus?"
"Yes, love?"
"What are we going to do?"
He let out a heavy sigh. "I don't know."
"If I left James…"
"Don't do that. Not yet."
"Why not? Surely you don't want me to stay married."
"Trust me, that's the last thing I want. However, your union with Potter offers certain… protections. He's a pureblood from an ancient family, one that the Dark Lord still hopes to win to his side."
"That will never happen."
"Perhaps not, but he doesn't know that. As long as he believes there's a chance, he won't strike out against you. Of course, it doesn't help that both of you are fighting for the Order now, but …"
"He knows?"
"He knows. You'll want to be extremely careful."
"I'm not going to stop fighting for the Order, if that's what you're suggesting."
"No," Severus said. "I know you too well to suggest anything of the sort. I'm only asking you to avoid unnecessary risks."
"Like sneaking Death Eaters into my bedroom?"
Lily cringed, worried she might've offended him. Instead, he snorted, his lips twitching.
"I suppose one is acceptable. Any more than that? No, I wouldn't recommend it."
"Severus?"
"Hmmm?"
"Could you stop?"
"Stop what?"
"You know… being a Death Eater."
He shook his head. "It isn't that simple. Those who try to leave… you can't imagine the things he does to them, nor do I have any wish to describe them to you."
"You've seen it?"
He inclined his head, his expression grim.
"But if the Order could help you, hide you…"
"Even if they could," he said, "why would they?"
"I'd vouch for you. I'd tell them…"
"It wouldn't matter what you told them. They'd assume I'd manipulated you, fooled you into believing I'd had a change of heart so I could gain access to the Order and all its secrets. No doubt Potter would reinforce that belief, aided by his despicable friends."
"You're right," she said quietly. "We don't have a lot of options, do we?"
He shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh. "All we can do is wait for the war to end. If your side wins and I can avoid being killed or winding up in Azkaban…"
"What if the other side wins?"
"Then I'll claim you as my reward."
"Your reward? That is the most degrading…"
"Degrading or not, I could offer you protection. Without that…"
He didn't finish. Didn't need to, really. She'd often imagined what her life would be like under Voldemort's regime, each version more terrifying than the last.
"I wouldn't stop fighting. You know that, right? Even if the other side wins…"
"I know," he interrupted, "which is why you and the Order must make sure that doesn't happen."
"You mean you want us to win?"
"If you'd asked me that question six months ago…" Severus hesitated, turning his head to stare out the window. "Now? Yes, I suppose I do. Whatever it takes to keep you safe… that's what I want."
She nuzzled his neck, caressing his face with the tips of her fingers. Slowly, he turned his head, muttering something unintelligible as his mouth found hers. Only then did she realize that he was still inside her, feeling him swell within her as his kisses grew deeper, more urgent. He shifted her onto her back, his hips rocking in a slow, languorous rhythm, warm breath making her shiver as he whispered in her ear.
"I love you. Whatever happens…"
"I know," she said, her hands sliding up to caress his back. "I love you, too."
With that, she gave herself over to the sensations, every nerve ending in her body begging for his touch. Awareness only returned in the aftermath, her stomach twisting in knots as she spotted a ray of sunlight slanting across the bed.
"Shit."
"What's wrong?" Severus opened his eyes, sucking in a sharp breath as he glanced at the window. He launched himself off the bed, scrambling for his clothes. In less than a minute, he was fully dressed, dropping a vial in her lap as he reached for his cloak.
"Someone's here!" she hissed. "They're coming up the stairs!"
"Fuck! Should I go out the window?"
She shook her head. "Someone might see you!"
He scanned the room, looking as panicked as she felt. "Apparition?"
"The house is warded against it. No Floo either except the one downstairs."
"What the bloody hell am I supposed to…"
They both jumped as someone knocked on the door, though Lily knew it wasn't James. The sound was far too timid, echoed by a squeaky voice.
"Lily? You in there?"
"Morning, Peter," she said, doing her best to sound casual. "I'd open the door, but I'm not dressed. Total starkers, actually. What did you need?"
She heard him shuffling his feet, a clear sign of his embarrassment. "Um, Prongs wanted me to tell you…"
"Yes?"
"He's decided to take a short holiday. Sent me back to check on you and grab a few clothes."
"A holiday?" she said, unable to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. "How nice."
"Yeah, we're going up to Manchester. Thought we'd…"
"Peter?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't care."
She heard a snicker behind her, rolling her eyes as she glanced back at Severus. He was standing by the window, his hand hovering near his wand.
"Yes, well…" Peter hesitated, followed by more shuffling. "Guess I'll be on my way then."
"Bye!"
Silently, they waited, listening to Peter as he rustled around in James's room. Finally, she heard the sound of his feet on the stairs, the front door opening and closing with a soft click.
"He has access to your home?" Severus said, finally daring to speak again.
"They all do."
"Why would you permit…"
"I wasn't given any choice in the matter."
He sat down on the bed, his mouth pressed into a tight line. "If you were my wife…"
"If I was your wife," she prompted when he trailed off. "What would you do?"
"I wouldn't leave you to go on holiday with my mates. I wouldn't be off drinking at the pub every night, and we certainly wouldn't be sleeping in separate bedrooms. You'd be beside me each night, the first thing I thought of every morning. I'd never neglect you, I'd…"
"You'd love me."
"Always."
She leaned her head against his chest, resisting the urge to cry. "I wish…"
"I know."
With that, he kissed her goodbye, slipping from the house like a ghost as she downed the potion he'd given her.
